Blogstorm

The reason why Bonestorm doesn't blog much anymore

2007-03-17T16:37:00.000+10:00

Meet Elise. She specialises in sleeping, shitting with explosive force (she can hit the wall at the opposite end of her bedroom when on full power) and draining Daddy Bonestorm's capacity for rational thought by enducing extreme tiredness.

I haven't forgotten about any of you, and just in case you drop by here some time, this is the reason for my slackness. Plus, I'm a slackarse.

Footnote: As I was writing this she woke up, and when we went to get her she gave us her first smile. Ever. Suddenly I feel energized again.

The truth about Santa

2006-12-21T09:02:00.000+10:00

I found out today that Santa doesn't live at the North Pole. He doesn't drive a sled or have dozens of elves scurrying around his feet.

Santa drives a bus for the Brisbane council.

Times are tough, eh?

I guess we've all moonlighted in jobs that we haven't been proud of at one time or another. In my younger days I picked watermelons to earn a dollar. Maybe I should say attempted to pick watermelons, as I had the job of standing in an eight foot cardboard box on the back of a truck as workmates threw watermelons in at me. Often more than one at a time. Or completely without warning. Or after I'd been hit on the head for the hundredth time that hour and was obviously unconscious, bleeding and in need of medical assistance on the bottom of the box. In hindsight it's a miracle I didn't get shipped off to market under half a ton of melons at some point.

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Santa.

I must say I was surprised this morning when the Santa bus pulled up to my stop, complete with miles of tinsel wound around the interior and on the windows, christmas lights, a tree and Santa himself in full gear at the wheel. I didn't spot a nativity scene but it was undoubtedly there somewhere.

Times have obviously been tough on the big guy of late, and he sounded a lot more like a grumpy Brisbane bus driver who was forced to wear a stinking hot red suit and beard on a warm day, but I'm probably just reading too much into things. I'm sure even Santa has his off days.

Anyhow, make sure you are all listening on Christmas eve for the screech of tires on your roof.

The new gaming demographic

2006-12-19T10:02:00.000+10:00

I saw an interesting thing on the bus yesterday morning. It was a person in the front seat entranced by a Gameboy.

Not normally noteworthy, I know. Unless you perhaps consider the specifics of the person, who happened to be a middle aged business woman in a power suit. Not your average acne riddled 13 year old, to be sure.

Probably even more interesting to me was how engrossed she was in it all. Not once in 20 minutes did her eyes leave the lcd screen, even when frustration got the better of her and she resorted to slamming the palm of her hand against the gizmo in fury. It reminded me of a recalcitrant chimp slamming it's hands against the bars of it's cage.

And I can't really be too critical of her here, since I've done some desk slamming with my fist during countless hours of Madden football, but at least I've had the decency to do it in the privacy of my own home.

She eventually got off at the stop before mine. The last I saw of her she was motoring up a ramp towards the street with her eyes still fixated on the Gameboy.

Fun with a shopping trolley

2006-12-04T10:21:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I went grocery shopping by myself, as Ms B was busy decorating ginger bread houses and christmas cakes with her mother. Shopping on my lonesome normally results in me doing a 'speed shop'. I hurtle down each aisle, flailing wildy at shelves as I speed past at high velocity. Sometimes I end up with the things I need, other times not. It all depends on what gets knocked into the trolley.

Either way, I'm done in fifteen minutes, which is all I really care about.

Yesterday I couldn't help but notice one couple, scrawny and heavily inked, who were pushing around three little girls in a trolley and screaming at them Don't touch that!! at regular intervals. As chance would have it, I picked the checkout with the slowest checkout person in the universe. This not only ruined my attempt at speed shopping, but also allowed the scrawny family to get through ahead of me at another checkout.

As I finally left my checkout, I noticed mother scrawny in the middle of the shopping centre walkway with the three little girls in the shopping trolley. To my horror she decided to play a game with the girls and gripped the trolley handle, spinning it around her in a circular motion as fast as possible.

On the first revolution, I wondered how she avoided cleaning up all of the innocent bystanders who were walking past. Shoppers were leaping out of the way left, right and centre as the trolley screeched around in a wide arc.

On the second revolution I could only only stop and stare and think that something bad was about to happen.

On the third revolution, something bad happened. The smallest girl in the end of the trolley lost her battle with centrifugal force and was catapulted out of the trolley, sailed through the air for a metre and a half, and then hit the unyielding concrete head first.

Thankfully she seemed to be ok.

But I could only wonder about the perils of mixing kids and stupid people.

Life on Mars

2006-11-30T09:01:00.000+10:00

Long have we looked to the heavens and pondered that tantalising question: is there life on Mars? Well, this morning I thought I had discovered that yes, there was life on Mars, and I was it.

This wasn't because I woke up dressed in tinfoil, green skinned and wielding a raygun. Ok, I do sleep in tinfoil more often than not but let's get back to the issue at hand. The reason for my disorientation was because of the somewhat jaundiced light that came spilling in my bedroom window.

It was so impressive that I actually walked out into the backyard and stared around at the martian landscape for a few minutes. I took a snap with my camera phone but it doesn't quite capture the colour. I briefly contemplated deceiving and cheating my blog readers by photoshopping the picture into a more startling orange hue, but I quickly realised I couldn't do that. Don't get me wrong, I deceive and cheat my blog readers on a regular basis. I just couldn't be arsed firing up photoshop.

I hear we have a dust storm to thank for our unusually coloured day here in Brisbane. I personally think it had to be some of freak carrot storm to turn things this orange. Freak carrot storms... they do happen. Google it.

And I promise that's my last attempt to deceive you for today.

Lunch with weirdo

2006-11-24T16:04:00.000+10:00

I met up with a mate for lunch in the city today, and afterwards stopped over in the mall for a drink before going back to work. As we sat at a table, some guy sitting by himself at the next table next to us looked over and muttered something about "Oh, you guys are just here to watch the cricket."

At first I wasn't sure he was even talking to us. He continued to look at as and mutter things though, and we tried not to pay any attention to him.

At one point he got up and started waving and talking to someone walking past, as if he'd been waiting for them to arrive. However, they ignored him as well and kept on walking. The weirdo returned to his seat and continued to mutter.

Eventually he got up walked over to us, saying "See you guys later." Then he took off.

It's always nice to meet new people.

***

I had to include this picture I took of a clients' mouse earlier this week. Apparently it's an ergonomic mouse. I haven't seen one before. It looks more like a sideways mouse to me and is an absolute bitch to manoevre. I would have had about as much success moving it with my nose accurately as with my hand.

Maybe that's why it's good ergonomically for your hands, because you end up not using it at all.

"Wow, my wrist is so much better since this ergonomic mouse came along. My nose is broken in three places, but my wrist is great!"

Mechanical Mishaps

2006-11-07T11:59:00.000+10:00

When things go wrong in Bonestormland, they really go wrong.

A couple of weeks back my trusty old washing machine went down in a screaming heap. It was an oldie but a goodie, and always had my dull, mind-numbing work uniform looking it's most mind-numingly clean. That was until it gave up the ghost and stopped doing anything in particular, except from making an irritating clicking sound. So I took it to the great washing machine retirement village in the sky (i.e. the dump) and we bought a newie.

Then, of course, two days later my PC's CPU died. That little situation was documented in a previous blog entry.

On the weekend, my TV felt left out and decided to do the equivalent of throwing itself off a bridge, and by this I mean emitting a loud bang and subsequently shutting down altogether. This is a 76 cm flat screen, less than four years old and not quite as cheap to replace as a washing machine, so it will be going to the repair shop for a (hopefully) not too expensive repair job.

So that's three things in two weeks. Lucky me.

Forget betting on the Melbourne Cup today. Bet on Bonestorm's next appliance to blow up. I'm thinking Ms B's hairdryer. That one doesn't effect me much so I could probably live with it checking itself out.

Spitting Image

2006-10-31T10:35:00.000+10:00

Kudos to Invader Stu for being the first to mention the origin of my avatar. It's not actually a picture of me, but it looks incredibly like me (in fact I've had friends come to this page and ask how I made a computer character of myself). The avatar is in fact from the opening scenes of Half Life 2, and he later re-appears at various stages of the game.

Stu has pointed out that a comic strip has been made of this character, so check it out if you're a HL2 fan. Thanks Stu!

**

I have given myself a Bonehead of the Week award for an effort last week when I was working on a laptop here in the office. It was a Toshiba, of which we don't see many, and after re-installing Windows I couldn't find a drivers disk or drivers on any of our servers. The Toshiba website had drivers but these turned out to be corrupt. Thank you Toshiba! Dickwads.

I then embarked on a search across The Internets to find drivers, and after an hour or so had everything working but the sound. The drivers seemed to install ok, but no sound was coming out. Windows has about 5 different spots where you can set the volume, so I made sure none of these were turned down. Another tech in the workshop told me he had worked on this laptp last year and had the same problem, and that 'only very specific drivers work', but he couldn't remember where he found them.

Another 3 hours and 10 different sets of driver installs later, I was wondering how much air time I could get if I threw it out of my four storey window. Still no sound. I managed to get a nice jungle rythm happening as I banged my head against the desk. Then my eye caught sight of a nearly invisible dial on the front of the machine, pictured. You guessed it, the volume dial was turned to zero.

I graciously accept this Bonehead of the Week award. I'd like to thank the academy...

Wednesday bits n pieces

2006-10-25T15:55:00.000+10:00

What is it with blank CDs these days? Five years ago blank CDs that I bought and burned as an audio CD could be played in pretty much anything I own. Three years ago CDs started skipping on my home stereo, which is 15 years old, so I guess I can't complain too much about that.

Now they are skipping in my car as well, which has a new-ish CD player in it. It's driving me nuts. I figure CD production standards have dropped as they are now being pumped out by the billion and as cheaply as possible. I'd gladly pay a dollar per CD if I knew they were going to work ok. Does anyone have a brand to suggest?

**

I'm eating Iced Vovos at work at the moment. Roughly translated, old person food. Bonestorm, 32 going on 70. I just need to start complaining about everything (CDs were soooo much better back in the good old days) and my transition to old fart will be complete.

**

My home PC's CPU died peacefully on Monday and I'm in mourning. It's under warranty but may take a month to come back (if the manufacturer deems I haven't used it improperly). This being the case, I've assumed command of Ms B's computer for the time being. There will be a funeral for the CPU on Friday and afterwards a wake, where I'll be serving Iced Vovos on a platter made out of ruined CDs.

How to prank a telemarketer

2006-10-17T14:58:00.000+10:00

I thought this one was worthy of a link:

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Snap, Crackle, Pop and Whistle

2006-10-12T11:45:00.000+10:00

Ok, be honest with me here guys. Am I a tard because I can't snap my fingers properly or whistle?

I have my own versions of these two things. When I snap my fingers, about one in ten sounds half decent. The others sound like chipmunk farts. Plus, my thumbnail manages to shred my index finger, even if the thumbnail is trimmed right down, so after a dozen shots at it my finger is missing about 6 layers of skin.

My version of whistling is just as bad. It's weak sounding and I can't vary the pitch much at all. It's a clayton's whistle to be honest.

And it's not like I haven't attempted perfecting these things in the past. When I was 13 a mate and I decided we'd try whistling until we got it right. For two hours we produced noises that varied from an alpaca with diarrhea to the noise you get when you blow on the top of a coke bottle. Eventually I went home in disgust. He kept at it all night on his back porch apparently, and the next day he was ripping off whistles you could hear in the next suburb.

Last week I even went looking for tutorials on the web after deciding it was finally time to master these impossible arts. Pitiful, I know. I gave up once again after I decided it wasn't worth the trouble which, I guess, has always been my problem.

Is anyone else incapable of snapping and whistling? Tell me I'm not the only one...

Bonehead Client of the Week Award

2006-10-03T16:30:00.000+10:00

Bonestorm's inaugural Bonehead Client of the Week Award goes to...

A lady who called me up from a hotel in Sydney, where she's staying at the moment. She couldn't turn her laptop on. Now we've all heard the stories of dumb end users calling up because they don't have their computer plugged into the power etc, but this one actually happened and I can verify it personally.

Award recipient: Nothing is coming up on the screen.
Bonestorm: So it doesn't boot into Windows? Is the power plugged into the wall?
Award recipient: Yes.
Five more minutes of this conversation continues
Bonestorm: Are there any beeps or noises when you turn it on?
Award recipient: How do I turn it on?
Crickets chirping.
...
...
Bonestorm: You don't know how to turn the laptop on? Is it your laptop?
Award recipient: Yes it's mine. Where is the On button?

I eventually talk her through turning the machine on, all the while wondering how she turns it on every other day... or wondering if her admin assistant does it for her. Conversation ends, I close the job.

Five minutes later the phone rings and I can see it's her mobile number again. This is going to be good.

Award recipient: Hello I've got the laptop started now.
Bonestorm: Very good.
Award recipient: But now I can't access the internet.
Bonestorm: Oh really? How are you connected to the internet?
Award recipient: Through the hotel's broadband system. The hotel told me that their broadband system is down and that technicians are working on it. Is that why the internet isn't coming up?
Crickets chirping. Lots and lots of crickets.
...
...
...
Bonestorm: I'd say that's the reason, yes.

I can only be thankful I didn't have to talk her through connecting via modem as she decided to wait for the hotel to fix it's connection. A worthy recipient of this prestigious award, I must say.

Intruder Alert

2006-09-28T13:50:00.000+10:00

There was a feline issue I touched on a few months ago here involving our cats marking their territory, which is nowhere near as bad as it was, but still happening now and again. It seems to have become a little worse since we opened up the windows and doors again for the warmer weather.

I'm pretty sure the cause of it all is next door's cats. There are two of them: a black one, who I call 'Ugly', and a stripey one I call 'Smelly'. Those pesky little buggers are always in our yard taunting our cats, who are housebound. In fact, our cats are housebound because every time we let them out there was trouble with Ugly and Smelly.

If it weren't for a very sensitive Ms B restraining me, I would have taken more aggressive action against the cats being in the yard, such as a big boot up the arse or a tennis ball between the eyes at high velocity. We've been checking some less harmful ways of preventing Ugly and Smelly wandering where we don't want them.

This ultrasonic gizmo has a detection range of about ten metres. When cats come a-wandering, this little baby emits an ultrasonic barrage on the cat and sends them scurrying. Or at least that's the theory. After a while the cat learns not to enter the region. This one sounded good to us, so we put in an order, but it ended up being cancelled due to an inability to stock the item. In my heart I wanted one that shot tennis balls at the cats rather than beeping at them, so I'm not too disheartened.

Scarecrow was the one I liked the sound of. It's a mean looking little contraption that detects movement and then shoots out water, once again sending the intruder scurrying. We ruled this one out due to the shocking water restrictions we have here at the moment.

The Scary Man is actually a bird repellent, but I included it because I love the picture. I actually see two scary men in this picture, which one arrives in your letterbox if you order it, I wonder?

I guess my other option is to sit out on my back patio 24 hours a day with a tennis ball in hand and my arm cocked. Or I'm sure my fellow bloggers will have some suggestions.

Favourite job of the week

2006-09-21T09:16:00.000+10:00

This job started off like most of my others. PC switching off a lot by itself, a common fault with the particular Dell model. Motherboard replacement, end of story.

So I went and got the PC and brought it back to our workshop, didn't even bother cracking it open since I already knew the fault. Logged the call. Dell tech came out the next day.

Opened up the box.

Found a nest of maggoty insects inside.

The machine came from a section that's renowned for being a bit grubby, but this sets a new benchmark. How in hell do you get insects nesting inside your PC? It's beyond me.

Anyway, the Dell tech replaced the mobo and then it was up to me to... cleanse the infestation. Oh joy. We have no vacuum cleaner or other appropriate cleaning tools, so my only option was to scrape this maggoty crud out with paper towels.

It was then suggested by management that I check all other PCs in that department for similar infestations. I guess my saving grace was that there were none.

Animation number 2

2006-09-19T10:20:00.000+10:00

Sure to feature at next year's Oscars is my second animation. I've improved the models and learned a bit more about the animation process so hopefully it looks a bit better than number one.

See it here:
TJ and Ash Episode 2 - Hunters

Hot stuff

2006-09-15T11:07:00.000+10:00

Like hot food?

A friend of mine in the office is now the proud owner of a bottle Mad Dog 357 Collector's Edition, which he had to import from the States to get his hands on. It's not wine. I guess with a name like 'mad dog' that's readily apparent. It's actually hot sauce. Or maybe hot doesn't quite do it justice.

Let's put this in context first. They use what's called the Scoville scale to measure the hotness of chillis or anything derived from chillis. This was named after some nutcase in the early 1900s who went around tasting really, really hot chillis, for reasons we can only speculate upon.

Tabasco sauce rates about 2,500 on the Scoville scale. So does a jalepeno. So 2,500 is reasonably hot, right?

Pepper spray, at the other end of the scale, rates 2,000,000.

The Mad Dog 357 Collector's Edition rates 600,000 on the Scoville scale.

That's right, this sauce is 250 times hotter than a jalepeno. It's a third as hot as pepper spray. The stuff they use to incapactitate criminals, or burn a hole through solid concrete, or whatever it is they do with it.

Suffice to say that my friend tried a drop or two of Mad Dog on his sandwich and was writhing around in pain for 20 minutes afterwards.

That's not the worst of it though. There's a sauce on the market called Blair's 16 Million Reserve. I don't have to tell you what the 16 million means, do I?

So in case pepper spray isn't hot enough to use on your hot dog, you can buy some of this sauce, for your eating pleasure, that is 8 times as potent as pepper spray.

I'm going to make the assumption that if a drop of Blair's doesn't kill you instantly, it will at minimum burn your face off and leave you wearing bandages ala The Mummy for the rest of your life.

I love a nice hot curry but to me this crosses the line between getting a chilli buzz and self immolation.

It's a girl

2006-09-15T09:23:00.000+10:00

Ms B and I had our 19 week scan yesterday and lo and behold we are having a girl. I expect the next few months I'll see more pink stuff arriving in the house than you would see at a Barbie convention but I guess that goes with the territory.

Although doctors have been known to make mistakes before. If it turns out to be a boy I wonder how he'll turn out if we make him wear pink dresses and little fluffy pink hats for his first few months of life?

Philosophical Post

2006-09-11T11:48:00.000+10:00

This one is for Madame Boffin who made a post with similar sentiments on her blog. Who would've thought the CEO of Coke actually had a soul.

"In a university commencement address several years ago, Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises, spoke of the relation of work to one's other commitments: "Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them: work, family, health, friends and spirit and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends and spirit - are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
"How? Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as they were your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time you live ALL the days of your life.

"Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us each together. Don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

"Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going. Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way. Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery and Today is a gift… that's why we call it The Present."

Song lyrics and weird brain stuff

2006-09-04T15:17:00.000+10:00

I have this happen to me a lot. I listen to a song initially, be it for days, weeks or months on end. After this I have an impression of the lyrics. Sometimes I can work out the whole song, no problems. Other times there are words or phrases that aren't clear, and I make a 'best guess' about what is being said, and usually the resulting word or phrase is nonsensical, but I live with it.

Then I hear the song again a few years later, and I immediately know the lyrics that I couldn't figure out before. I think this has happened about 3 times in the last week, and it must have happened a hundred times in the past.

Wtf is this all about? How does it happen?

My theory is that the subconscious brain has time to twist and turn these lyrics about and make sense of them. The old grey matter is doing the figuring out in the background. Then the song is heard, and BAM you know the lyrics.

Does this happen to anyone else, and if so, what are your thoughts?

Book meme

2006-08-31T21:56:00.000+10:00

Thanks to Sherdie you have to put up with me ranting about books I've read. Enjoy.

1. One book I've read more than once.
Watchers by Dean Koontz. This eventually became a very bad movie in the early 90s... in fact I think it became two or three very bad movies. But before then it was a great book, one of the best examples of Koontz in his best era (for me at least) in the mid to late 80s.

2. One book that I would want on a desert island.
Is Penthouse classed as a book?

3. One book that made me laugh.
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

4. One book that made me cry.
I don't think there's been one yet. I'll pass on this answer.

5. One book that I wish I'd written.
Rendezvous with Rama by Arthur C Clarke. Wow, what a book. Paper thin characters as is the Clarke way, but the ideas are fantastic and the way he explains the science makes it seem more like a documentary than fiction.

6. One book I wish had never been written.
One? I'll give you three, and they're all sequels to Rendezvous with Rama, written by Clarke and Gentry Lee. They basically throw away everything that was great about the first book and should be burned on sight.

7. One book I'm currently reading.
1984 by George Orwell.

8. One book I've been meaning to read.
Wow, this is a long questionnaire. You're going to pay for this Sherdie. Anyway, back to it. Erm... Moby Dick. I even have it around here somewhere so there's no excuse for not reading it.

9. One book that changed my life.
I don't know about life changing, but Magician by Raymond E Feist was very influencial in a lot of ways.

10. One book that made me think.
The Stand by Stephen King. It was one of the first post-apocalyptic novels I read and it certainly fired my imagination and started a life long love affair with stories and movies in that vein.

Done!

My first animation

2006-08-31T19:11:00.000+10:00

And no, it was not made by a 4 year old, even though it looks that way. This was basically a learning experience and I made a LOT of mistakes, did practically everything the long way (and the wrong way) but it was fun nonetheless.

There, I think I've made an appropriate disclaimer for how crappy it is. Click the link if you dare.

Google Video link

It's based on my two cats, TJ and Ash, and titled 'Sharing'.

Really smart or...

2006-08-29T12:48:00.000+10:00

...really lazy, I can't decide.

A few days ago I was driving behind a fellow resident of my complex and they had a novel idea for taking their empty wheelie bin back to their house from the front gate. They basically stuck an arm out the car window on their way past and grabbed it, and then hauled it along next to the car as they drove along.

Before you applaud the sheer genius of this idea and plan to do it yourself, I would suggest you have a healthy disregard for your car's paintwork. Cornering did not go well for the bin draggers I observed. The bin whacked and scraped against the car enough in a straight line, let alone when it was presented with a curve.

Their attempt to mount the curb to their driveway also had me wincing.

I guess it's the way with these genius inventive types, they're not always the most practical.

Three Dee

2006-08-22T15:04:00.000+10:00

I haven't been doing a lot of blogging over the last week or so, mainly because I've become obsessed with my new 3D modelling stuff. And when I mention 3D modelling, you probably think that sounds cool. Well, it's not. I'm teaching myself how to do it, and results are dodgy.

My spiffy 3D animal looks like a 4 year-old mashed some lego blocks together and then melted them in the microwave.

Maybe if I try modelling some melted lego blocks it'll end up looking like a 3D animal.

***

News during the week that Tool are coming to town in January put a smile on my face. Having those naked contortionists cavorting on wires above the stage caused my friend Robo to pass out at the last concert. Maybe all of the noise and flashing lights had something to do with it as well. As he slumped across my back I intially thought he was a fellow mosher getting a little too friendly, so I gave him a vicious back elbow that ended up collecting him in the throat on his way down. Then I turned around and saw it was Robo lying on the floor.

Luckily he was out before the elbow collected him, and I could blame it on someone else.

Anyway, looking forward to a bit of Toolishness early next year.

Fun with a squeegee

2006-08-16T10:26:00.000+10:00

I just took advantage of the Brisbane show holiday to head out and fill my car up with petrol. I'm not actually going anywhere in the car. The jaunt out for petrol was my excursion for the day. That's right folks, I'm making the most of my day off.

On my way back to the car from the cashier I noticed an old geezer at the pump next to me using a squeegee to clean his windshield. This caused me to think of the last time water touched my own windshield - about 18 months I reckon, about the last time it rained here.

I figured the old guy was onto a good thing, and I decided to wait for my turn at the squeegee. I managed to mill around the door of my car for thirty seconds or so, pretending to check my tyres, the bird crap that's welded itself into my paintwork, that kind of thing, while in essence I was waiting to hear the plunk of the windshield squeegee being returned to its bucket by the geezer.

Problem is, that didn't happen.

Eventually I gave up and just hopped in my car. The windshield could wait. As I took off, I glanced over at the geezer and realised why I never heard the plunk. He was busily thrusting away with the squeegee on his bonnet. That's right, the old guy was washing his entire car with a windshield squeegee.

Now I know the water crisis is bad. This is probably good thinking on his part. But I can't help but feel things have gotten to a pretty bad state when people are reduced to washing their cars with windshield squeegees at the servo. What's next for this guy? Stripping off stark naked and squeegeeing down his wrinkled carcass to save water from showering?

Let's hope not.

MC Bonestorm

2006-08-14T10:22:00.000+10:00

This Saturday night I'm MC'ing a wedding for some in-laws. This is not the first time I've MC'd a wedding, in fact it's the third. I have a very tried and tested method for approaching MC gigs.

1. Set stupidly unrealistic expectations about how funny I'm going to be.
2. Panic about point 1.

That's it. That's my strategy. Somehow it has worked in the past.

I'd be fine if all I had to do was get up and introduce people. Unforunately it's not as simple as that. People ask me to MC because they've seen me speak before, and because they've found me funny. And it's very flattering, don't get me wrong. But I can't help but feel a bit of pressure to bring the house down.

I guess most of these pressures are internal as I set high standards for myself, but that doesn't make things easier to cope with.

By nature I'm an introvert, I'd much rather be out of the spotlight than in it.

Anyway I'm trying to feel confident about it, and trying not to think about it too much. Not thinking about it too much at all. Apart from the fact that I rehearse the whole thing in my head about 3 times a day so I know it flawlessly. E.g. on the drive to work the radio has been off for the last two weeks as I go through it; I mutter to myself in the shower as I go through it; walking around work... but apart from that I'm not thinking about it. Not at all.

And this sounds neurotic but I think it's a necessary part of me dealing with the stress of it. I have to convince myself that I know it perfectly.

I know that on the day I'll be as nervous as hell but I guess that helps get me 'up'. It's an awesome feeling once it's over and everything has gone well, so I'm looking forward to that part of it.

And on the bright side, if I totally screw this up the demand for my services should quickly plummet.