If I Didn't Have You

i deserve it, right?

2008-05-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking about getting the flip!

2008-05-05T06:03:00.001-07:00

the kid has this pop up play tent and when we've had visitors stay over night in the past he has let them use his bed while he was more than happy to rough it out camping in this thing. a couple nights ago he pulled it out from behind his dresser and wanted to sleep in it that evening. now, i don't really prefer him sleeping in it on (pre) school nights because i don't feel he gets the best night of sleep. the floor is hard and the tent is not even big enough for his legs to fit in there, so come 3 am he's wrestling with the thing because his limbs are caught up in door zippers. kamil tells him "not tonight, it's cold out and you'll be too cold on the floor. maybe over the weekend when it warms up". good thinking kamil.

the next morning i sneak in hayden's bedroom to get something and see this:

the kids brilliant. if it's too cold to sleep on the floor, then i'll just put it up on my bed!

these are the kind of things that make a day good!

today however is a whole other story. the kids got a temperature of 103.2 and throwing up. the best part was over dinner last night at my dad's place. good thing i was wearing a red skirt to match the red hawaiin punch that was ejected from his stomach. it's actually ok, i don't fret about stuff like that. mom's worry about their kids, not their clothes. he slept in bed with me last night so i could keep an eye on him (the hubby got moved to the couch). his heartbeat was fast and my hand rested on his skin all night to monitor the fever. he woke at 2 am to get sick, that time i was smart and grabbed the garbage can next to me! yes, no puke on mom! from 2 am to almost 5 am the kid chit chatted with me, nonsense, i think he was delirious. ahhhh, sick kids are no fun. keep him in your good thoughts!

you know you're getting old when ...

2008-05-03T08:49:00.001-07:00

when we first moved into our home our neighbor's son was about fourteen. he always played basketball in his back yard, the ball would bounce over the fence and into our yard and i would get it for him because he was afraid of my dog. that, or he was just afraid to step in all the dog shit.

seriously, it's a small yard, it's not my fault she doesn't have a large area to take care of business.

our neighbors are from bangladesh, i don't even think his parents speak english so we mostly just wave to one another, nod our heads and only say "hello". the son is now in his fourth year of college and probably about twenty one. he's a valet for a restaurant downtown and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. he likes hayden a lot and always comes over to say hello to us when we're playing out in the front yard. the other evening he came over, stayed around for about five minutes chit chatting but as soon as hayden took off on his bike and i started engaging in conversation with him he looked down and then said to me "i think i hear my mom calling me, i have to go" and that right there is how i know i am not cool anymore.

2008-04-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

late thursday afternoon i got the call from one of my co-workers. "you're the phantom pooper, i've figured it out", "what???" i replied. apparently there is a pooper who can't quite hit the opening of the toilet at my company and they've now narrowed it down to two clues - 1) someone who sits in the middle of the building on the second floor, which is where i sit and 2) someone who has an early shift, which i also have. the poop incident has happened on numerous occasions now and it's definitely not an accident. the pile is left about a foot from the toilet for all to enjoy. i may have to provide a stool sample to prove my innocence.

another co-worker reminds me on a daily basis that i'm a grouch. in return, i remind her that telling me that doesn't make me any less of one. then i tell her she's the friend who tells me bad things about myself to keep me down. she then tells me i have skinny legs and nice hair. these physical traits have nothing to do with my inside autumn but it makes me laugh anyway.

i have been a pretty unhappy camper with the way things are heading with my job lately and yes i've been keeping to myself about things but i'm trying to snap out of it. these two co-workers together tell me i've been grouchy for the last two years. the last two years??? god, is it really that bad? have i really changed into a totally different autumn?

now, if you'll excuse me i have to go use the commode.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if there were a little more silence, if we all kept quiet ... maybe we could understand something.

- frederico fellini

2008-04-16T09:30:00.001-07:00

i took photos for a family (of 25) this past sunday. though i've been doing little side jobs like this for a couple of years now, i still get extremely nervous before a shoot. i am always afraid something is going to go wrong. i don't do well under pressure but once i get there and get to clicking i cool out, a little.

each time i do a shoot i learn from it. my new plan is: i am just going to tell people (especially in large groups) straight out "no flash!". i got a speedlight for my canon last year, but it's just not enough to cover a group this large in a semi lit room. i don't have the equipment for this and i assume if i just told people from the get go "no", it would save me from a lot of anxiety.

some of the things i learned this time around:

1) gray hair blows, and i don't mean from the wind - especially in front of windows. pa and ma looked like their heads were on fire. 2) these new transitional lenses are lame, don't shoot people in them when they've just come in from a sunny day unless you want ma and pa to look like vampires. 3) large groups .... um, don't like them! there's always someone not looking, goofing around or hiding there little head behind uncle fred's very large head. 4) people who show up with their own cameras need to be banned - this isn't helpful in any means. the subject matter doesn't know who to look at and i get all kind of googley eyes. they're paying me folks, now look up here damn it. 5) there is always some man there who wants to talk about cameras - cameras he has, cameras he once had, cameras he would like to have. i don't care. really, i'm a nice girl, but i'm trying to do a job here, not make friends. unless you want to take me out for coffee and some dinner, then maybe we can work something out ... 6) and the most important thing to remember always - take my time!!!

2008-04-13T13:26:00.001-07:00

"i'm scared" i said to kamil while looking out the back door, "you should be" he replied and then he turned away quickly. realizing what was about to happen - "no! i want to take the picture!" i shouted and we both made mad dashes for our cameras. meanwhile, hayden saw us running upstairs to the balcony, cameras at our side, and ran after his camera as well. a tornado never came, but boy did it look spooky out.

while heading back downstairs i heard an odd grumbling noise. i couldn't get down those stairs fast enough. i didn't want to scare hayden so i tried to talk in code. kamil i think our house is h - a - u - n - t - e - d, spelling out the word. the more nonsense i said the more annoyed kamil grew, but really i knew deep down i was starting to scare the shit out of him. i told him i heard a growling noise up there and he told me it was the wind coming in from the half open window in his studio. bs, i'm not buying it. i told him about the time i was talking on the phone while sitting on the back steps late at night and i thought i heard someone kicking. like someone trying to get out in a bad way. not a moment passed when we heard a faint knocking sound, did you hear that? kamil said and i thought to myself holy shit. i don't know how long it's been exactly but every night around the same time, usually around 9 p.m, i hear the same exact knocking noise and i've never been able to figure out what it is. "it's our neighbors coming home from work" kamil said. bs again, none of our neighbors our coming home at that time from work. and what it really is, is the time the people that used to live here but are now dead, gross and scary came home from work!!! i'm so outta here. i can't believe i am actually sitting here alone in this house when there are dead people upstairs.

why is the dog not barking? oh ... did you feel that? that, right there? that cold draft? did someone adjust the thermostat?

2008-04-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

i remember going to the bookkeepers with my grandpa as a young girl. everyone would ooh and aah over how adorable i was (because trust me, i really was). we would drive out in his car that seemed like the size of a cruise ship and then we would go back to his place. there i would get to keep any change i found lying on the floor of his office. all that change was amazing to me and i thought at the time he was the richest man alive. the change was from his business. quarters, dimes and nickels all from people buying chocolate, chips, gum and the all so great sugary sweet pop. back in those days, that money also came from the sales of cigarettes too (do you remember those old cigarette vending machines?). i still remember the way grandpa's office smelled because his business was passed on to my dad and it still carries that same familiar scent. the smell of cloth change bags, empty m & m cardboard boxes, paper invoices and dirty money.

the other day i was talking to my step mom and she informed me friday might be the final sale of the business. i told her that made me kind of sad. the business has been around my whole life and holds lots of memories. she said she couldn't seem to get a reaction out of my dad, whether it made him sad or not. i told her to leave that up to me.

my brother (who is five years older than me) worked with my dad as a child and i did the same. the summer before i turned thirteen i'd wake early and we'd hit the road together. i had really short hair at the time and hadn't yet developed (if only they could see me now) and the customers would say "your little boy is cute". um ... not a boy! that was the summer my parents split and i believe working with one another brought my dad and i closer together.

driving around in the work van, stopping at mcdonalds for lunch (this was pre vegetarian days and i was all about loving me some mcchicken sandwiches), we'd listen to WDET (back when they played music) and i would think "god, this music is weird! can't we find some janet jackson on the radio?". we would ride down to detroit for some of the stops (this was back when i lived in the burbs) and i got a feel for the city. i knew to lock the doors if my dad had to run in somewhere without me, i learned how to watch my back and i realized that just because people were a different shade of color then me or may look less fortunate they were still definitely a-ok. i remember those times sitting alone in the van eye balling the boxes of snickers and racks of hostess products and imagining how many i can shove into my mouth before he got back. i learned how to rip cans of coke products off their plastic rings and fly them into the machines at a really fast speed that summer. i became a pro. that was my job and i was good at it.

my friend and i would count cans in the summer. sometimes i would do this job with my brother too. anything that wasn't a coke product got side aside. we would later take bags and bags of pepsi cans up to the grocery store and the money was all ours. that job was bad. half the cans still held pop in them and sometimes cigarette butts from the factory workers that my dad maintained business with. old pop and cigarette butts = really stinky.

i know the business probably wasn't my dad's dream job but it was a living. it provided food for the family and kept a roof over our heads for many years. i get that. i'm doing the same thing for my family now. you do what you have to do. my dad was good at his job though, he's a people person. they all called him "the candy man" and would happily shout "hey steve" when they saw him come through the door (kind of like norm on cheers). he was well liked and i'm sure he will be very missed by everyone who got to know him over the years. and even though my son never got the opportunity to sit next to his side in the big van for a day of work like myself, he still had the chance to sneak stocks of chuckles from the garage.

you know how kids are always looking to their parents to tell them good job? well, i wanted to take the time to tell my dad - good job dad! i'm proud of you!

2008-03-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

in regards to my last post :

http://freegan.info/
http://freegan.info/?page=AnimalRights

or just take a big looksie at this - why i'm vegan.

2008-03-26T08:51:00.001-07:00

proof that he's just a freegan -

i don't know how many other ways to tell people we're raising him vegan ...

the above is a note written on the paper sack i had hayden's (soy) yogurt in for his afternoon snack at school. they wrote "his yogurt is in the frig. we had sherbert for snack". last time i checked, sherbert was not vegan.

serious, i'm asking for a discount on my next bill!

annoyed

2008-03-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

i really felt refreshed after i came back from my mini vacation in florida . i was making little efforts to make my days a little more sunny. i was trying to be more affectionate with the mister (just hugs and pecks, come on, let's not go crazy here). i was taking a shorter lunch at work to lessen that eleven hour work day. getting that extra twenty minutes of snooze time in the morning and getting home a whole whopping fourteen minutes earlier really was seeming to perk up my frown. but, i don't know ... something happened, because tonight i am a raging bitch.

maybe it started yesterday. i waited at least twenty minutes just in the waiting room to get my vagina serviced (serious, did i just say that?). the nurse called me in, but she called me in as "autumN", she said the "N", you don't say the "N"! and then she had the nerve to throw me up on the scale to prove to me i've gained back the eight pounds i lost before the end of the year. what's next? you're going to make me get all naked and hide under a pink paper cloth, that opens in the front, just so the doctor can look under it? yes.

maybe it started a couple weeks ago. i was uprooted from my position at work after being in the same department for eight years. i don't like change because i am old. i was put in a department that i know nothing about. things seemed good though, things were more lax, the department had less drama ... but i still seem to be answering to old management. communication stinks and i'm confused as hell.

maybe it started yesterday with the first day of spring. apparently michigan didn't get the memo because there was an effin snowstorm this evening and because roads were so icy they shut down the expressway i take to get ALL THE WAY home.

maybe it started tonight. i was beyond ecstatic after that drive to find parker posey had a new television show. i looove parker posey and if i knew anything about computers i would make the "ooo"'s in "love" into little hearts, but i don't so you'll just have to use your imagination. the show didn't get me where i needed it to. those little automatic laughs they throw on shows didn't even seem to match the punchlines. unless of course that was done on purpose, now that would have been funny. i'll give parker another chance next week just because i like the girl.

or ... just maybe it started nearly six months ago when she pulled that stunt. now time has gone by and people have moved on. but for some reason, this week especially, i feel like if i do then i'm just lying to myself. so, sometimes i relive the moment. the phone call at 7 a.m. alerting me she tried to take her life. the feeling of nausea and panic that came over me. not being able to breathe. the moment i saw her lying there in the hospital looking white as a ghost. the dried up blood i attempted to scrub off her body. rinsing out the washcloth in the sink across the hall. over and over and over. my cell phone ringing, people checking in, over and over and over. that morning seemed like an eternity and the night even longer. the hospital transfer. i had been there over twenty years ago, with her, and the surroundings became all so familiar. except now i wasn't the clueless little girl. i was the one in charge. the one who had to be responsible. standing there, alone, with my name written down as the emergency contact. the one who had rights to all her records. i remember the moment i went into the house and in my head played out the story she told me. my friend held me up but every room i walked through just seemed like a dream. i knew every detail because she had told told me earlier that morning and now i wish she wouldn't have. because now she's strong and all i really feel like doing is yelling at her. just to give her back a dose of how it felt for me, just for a second.

* note to self - call therapist, drink a beer.

2008-03-12T06:17:00.001-07:00

ice and snow are still in the forecast for next week. michigan can go f itself.

just a few days ago i was riding the waves in the gulf of mexico with dolphins swimming near by. honestly, at first i thought they were shark and i had to pull out my jaws material "get out of the water!!! everyone out of the water!!!". the waves were fierce but i wasn't about to let the opportunity pass me by, for i knew in a couple of days i would be back in my cubicle pounding away on the keyboard. in the water, anna (8) informed me "you're pretty cool for an old lady". i must say, i am pretty cool.

the three hour wait on (just) the run way to de-ice the plane was well worth it, even with a four year old who asked "can i watch my movie now?" six trillion times. i counted, it really was six trillion times.

we ventured out to a really nice zoo in tampa, played lots of wii (hayden is addicted and now even sleeps with a miniature wii flashlight), swam in the house pool (seriously, must be nice to have doors in every room that lead to your pool, ahem!), ate lots of food, soaked up some nice temperatures and had tons of laughs.

i am already homesick for a home that's not even mine. i really miss this crew.

(claire absent from photo/see more on flickr)

2008-02-28T17:40:00.001-08:00

perhaps 32 is too old to still be getting crushes but ... can you blame me?

during the middle of half nelson:
kamil: it is so obvious you have a crush on him
me: i didn't even say anything ...

moments after the movie:
kamil: you're totally having sex with him

the next day:
kamil makes some snotty comment
me: ryan never talks to me that way...
he only uses his lips for sweet kissing

(and that, is why i'm in counseling ...)

see lars and the real girl

2008-02-26T18:52:00.001-08:00

ohhh yeah!!!

this will be my pastey white legs in 8 days!

2008-02-20T09:53:00.000-08:00

when i first started this blog, "if i didn't have you" came to mind for a title because i had this song in my head from watching monsters inc previously with my son. the song is at the end of the film with the credits and it's really endearing.

i changed my header picture to a photo taken over the weekend. i've been friends with these girls for more then half of my life. though they aren't blood, they are still part of my family. years of support, laughter, tears and frustration have all played a part of our amazing bond. i have been through some pretty shitty things (as have they) and they've always had my back. if it wasn't for them i wouldn't be half the person i am today.

bridget moved to florida almost two years ago. we talk (usually) daily, either by e mail or phone. when we talk it really doesn't feel like she's states and states away but she is and it will hit me at odd moments. i'll then blurt out, weepy with wet eyes, "i miss bridget".

about seven months passed since our last visit. this is how our reunions go -

we'll hug, she'll start to cry, i'll tell her she's being dramatic, we'll hug again, i'll start to cry, she'll put her hands around my face and tell me i'm pretty (that's my favorite part) and then i'll think WHO IN F MOVED HER TO FLORIDA? after the first couple of minutes it will revert back to feeling like no time has passed. we can pick right back up where ever we left off and that my friends is something special.

(photo by raphie)

2008-02-13T07:58:00.001-08:00

3 more days and i will see my bridgie boo again!

rumor has it a few of us girls are getting a fancy smancy hotel room and living it up in luxury with their pools, booze and such ... and if it doesn't go in that direction, that's ok too. it will just be nice to have her home again!

all in favor for her staying for good, say i.

i!!!

2008-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

in october of 2005 we bought hayden one of those fisher price digital cameras you could drop on the floor a bazillion times or throw at your parents when you are mad at them and the kid wouldn't hurt a thing. i finally downloaded all of his pictures on to our computer and put up a little flickr site for him. i didn't edit, enhance or any of that fancy stuff, however i did take out about thirty photos of the television and about another two hundred photos of the back seat of my car. this camera is obviously not the best, but it seems to work for a kid his age. so, if you want to see a ton of photos of me and my husband making faces this is the place to go.

and because i don't have the extra money to put back up my other website right now, i also created another flickr page for myself to showcase my "work", for now ... i've got some possible jobs lined up this year - a very large family in april, a communion in may and a possible high school graduation shot. all of this makes me nervous, but i got to go for it.

2008-01-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

just incase i needed a reminder on why we haven't sold our home:

Yahoo - And now for the places you definitely want to avoid:

Detroit, Michigan: The job market is in chaos. People are getting laid off left and right. National statistics seem to point to a significant problem with job loss and job income not keeping up with inflation. As a result, many nice neighborhoods are now abandoned due to people leaving their homes. Inventories exceed one year (under six months is what we want to see), and the foreclosure problem hit Detroit hard. With fewer jobs to support home purchases, I don't see Detroit turning around anytime soon.

2008-01-28T16:37:00.001-08:00

i saw that new york movie this weekend.
you know the one where that alien is all sexually frustrated so she takes down manhattan.
i'm telling you, don't mess with us bitches when we are having a moment.
the movie was decent.
the end was a wee bit drawn out and all but i give it two thumbs up for entertaining me.
plus, the people were pretty in it ...

cloverfield

2008-01-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

i've pretty much been debbie downer the last couple of days.
not sure what my funk is ...
all weekend i just putzed around and moped.
i did manage to get out and take a few photos around town ...
(i will post more later)

about a year ago my company got bought out.
this is our first year of getting on track with their benefits and vacation time.
today is martin luther king day and we have off.
which is great and all but ...
now we have to work good friday ...
the day after thanksgiving ...
the day after christmas ...
and new years eve. yeah ... i don't get it either.

hayden and i went to see the bee movie today.
it was playing at the dollar show.
i hadn't been to this mall in years and almost every store in it but three were gone.
it's very strange, i remember going there in the 8th grade to buy spandex pants that had "inxs" written down the sides.
good times, good times ...

2008-01-14T12:57:00.001-08:00

i'm all growns up because i just made my first cd off of i tunes!

i kind of went for a retro theme today -

it all started because of this:
ever since i saw lars and the real girl, 2 months ago, i've had this song in my head. this song is great. i have a couple talking heads releases but none of them had this song on it. i had to pay the ninety nine cents, no question about it.

i had to throw more than this on there just because that scene made me love this song more than i ever did.

hayden loved that i chose this song. the kids got good taste in music.

and some of the other tracks i picked -
hong kong garden
alison
ceremony

... and that's what's in my ear.

2008-01-14T05:50:00.000-08:00

i saw the orphanage saturday night and i can't get this movie out of my head.
i've watched other things since then, but here it still sits.
the ending of this film was just ... so heartbreaking to me.

my friends now know that if they go see a movie with me, chances are they will have to stay behind while all the others have gone so i can collect my thoughts.

i don't know, i guess i just find stories, some stories, really moving.
i'm sensitive.
you know when the grinch lets love in and his heart grows ten times it's size? that's me.
i just can't help it. movies always seems to give me a good cry.

2008-01-08T18:18:00.001-08:00

back when life was so simple ...

i love this picture of my brother and i.
(i also LOVED my pink pleather jacket)

2008-01-01T13:57:00.001-08:00

i am sitting in jungle java and there are at least sixty kids screaming and laughing around me. in the corner a birthday party is taking place. there is a large circle forming in another corner by the basketball hoop and i wonder if the four year olds are starting a fight club. it is so loud in here but yet i can still write and yet i can still quickly catch the tear that has fallen from the corner of my eye without anyone noticing.

i have just finished a short story about a woman who had to take fertility drugs and go through numerous procedures to get pregnant.

as far as i know it was pretty easy for me to get pregnant with hayden, considering we weren't even trying. i loved being pregnant, as well as i can remember. it must of been all the "you look so cute" comments, even though i was as big as a house and i had too many chins to count. sure i had the heartburn and i felt quite sick, but i never actually threw up. i also never asked anyone to tie my shoes or help to clasp my bra over my bigger than pamela anderson sized boobs. i still took the stairs and i always drank my glasses of fresh vegetable juices when they were placed in front of me, even though the taste was putrid.

in my head i thought we would have sold our house by now and my plan was to have another child by the time hayden turned four. apparently we missed that boat. now we are still here and i can't imagine squeezing another antos under this roof.

waiting another year or so to start again wouldn't be so bad i suppose. i don't know how people pay for two kids in full time child care anyway.

this year hasn't been the easiest of the kid years. as old challenges have passed, new ones have arrived. i assume that's what parenting is all about. being a mother is the most rewarding job i can think of having. it's also probably one of the hardest, but i would never put in my two weeks. not to say that my son wouldn't survive without me, but i never want him to lose me. i can't imagine someone else comforting him when he's hurt or scared, or someone else cheering him on when he needs encouragement. this is my job and though it frustrates me beyond words sometimes, i'd do it all over again.

yesterday while we were out, our son, like other days had forgotten to clean out his ears. repetition was the word of the day. he wouldn't listen to anything. "i don't want another child" came from my husband's mouth and today that is why i am feeling particularly emotional, because i know it's not something that was said out of frustration, it was said from his heart.

so, now what ...

2007-12-30T17:53:00.000-08:00

lets face it, this year kind of sucked

i almost lost a parent
the other one went to the hospital
i fought more this year with the person i should be closest to more than i ever have
another year of gun shots in a shitty city for the new year celebration
a friendship turned sour (still not sure what that was all about ...)
our house, yet again, did not sell
the price of gas? went up
the price of groceries? up ...

but, then again ...

i laid on the beach for one week
i visited one of my favorite families in florida
i still have both parents
i started drinking (is this in the correct list?)
i photographed my first wedding
i gained new friendships
i received an incredible amount of support from those that have always been there
my kid turned four
my friend took me on vacation
i'm in therapy
and (drum roll) i saw interpol, and may have even wet my pants a little ...

best wishes to you for a wonderful 08'!

2007-12-30T17:40:00.000-08:00

i've said it before and i'll say it again. i am an asshole.

the kid loves trains, so for one of his christmas presents we got him a ride on the amtrak. he's been on the detroit zoo train plenty of times but never a real train. i decided it would be best to start small, so i booked a twenty-one minute ride, each way. the plan was to grab lunch, do a little shopping and head back home a couple of hours later.

we arrived at our station a half hour early as requested. the woman at the ticket counter looked at the tickets, then up at me and then back down at the tickets. "did you do these wrong?" she snickered. "um, no" (as if) i replied back. "we were looking for you guys last night", she said.

i booked the tickets for 12:30 a.m.!!!

i felt like such an idiot. i wanted to burst into tears. we had been playing this trip up all morning. how could i now break the boy's heart? i am an evil evil human being.

fortunately, there was a train scheduled to leave within ten minutes, just in the other direction.

"it's ok, it's just all part of the adventure" said my husband.

(see other amtrak photos here)