life, apparently

missing you

2009-08-08T19:34:00.002-04:00

dear blog,

i miss you. but i'm totally paranoid about the whole tenure thing. and so instead i think of you often and ponder the day when i'll return. (other things in this category include: drinking with colleagues, exercising, vacation, expressing my opinion, etc)

love,
apparently

I see you in my sleep

2007-10-23T08:49:00.001-04:00

So last night I had a crazy dream where I went sailing with Articulate Dad and then we met up with The Here and Now (a blogger that doesn't actually exist)* for lunch.
First, I don't sail. In fact being on any body of water makes me nauseous. Second I don't actually know Articulate in real life. Third, I have been barely blogging at all for quite some time (as you are aware) - so why am I suddenly dreaming about it?

*Ok, I just looked it up and there is a thehereandnow.blogspot.com that involves LOTS!!!! of WORDS IN ALL CAPS!!! and even more exclamation POINTS!!! so I'm not linking because I'm pretty sure I don't want to meet this person in life or in my dreams. It appears to be written by someone with the name JAYE which reminds me of my very first college roommate Jae. She was younger than the rest of us - 16 or 17 or something like that (shh, I was promised to secrecy) and was obsessed with finding a bodybuilding partner. She introduced herself to everyone and I mean everyone like this: "hi I'm Jae J-A-E" Her real name was Jill (shh, another secret). She had posters of boys wearing spandex sitting on bikes hanging in our room and a gigantic Garfield bean bag. I told her she was a perfectly fine roommate but I didn't want to be her friend and she slept in the hallway with Garfield. She moved to another dorm over Thanksgiving and later dropped out. The End.

The Week in Quotes

2007-09-09T19:31:00.001-04:00

"Bunnyhopper!" [TheKid] - A new phrase we taught TheKid to use when he is angry, instead of hitting or throwing something. It's fun, try it.

"You are treating me like a man and I don't appreciate it one bit" [TheHusband] - Because I keep asking him to do home improvement related things and doing none of them myself.

"YES! YES!" [TheHusband] - While doing this [pictured] home improvement project. See - he likes home improvement projects.

"How about I split it with you?" [former landlord in Isolation U] - They attempted to charge us $175 for cleaning up the most disgusting basement ever. Problem - the basement was the most disgusting/stinky basement ever long before we moved in. If anything they should have paid me for cleaning it up when I moved in. His argument, understandably, was that I should have called and complained when I moved in. My argument was that there was no way they could have thought it was clean and stink free before I moved it so I guessed it was a consequence of renting a house built in 1900. I'm happy enough, I guess. He was reasonable and my 45 minutes on the phone paid of.

"hey Daphne" [TheKid] - He is madly obsessed with Scooby Doo lately. He always plays Scooby, TheHusband is Shaggy, and I'm Daphne. I tried to tell TheHusband that Daphne was Fred's girlfriend, but he is persistent.

"mama, I'm hot! I need a Popsicle" [TheKid] - upon waking up to an unexpectedly hot morning.

"and I understand she is very busy" [TheChair] of my dept when introducing me to someone. That's good, right? Now I just need to produce something.

Regrets

2007-08-23T08:12:00.000-04:00

This round of the postdoc carnival is dedicated to regrets. I'm a new assistant professor following a 3 year postdoc and I definitely have a few regrets.

I was very successful in grad school, coming from a top lab with many publications - I had my pick of several postdocs. The decision about which to select wasn't easy and I'm not even sure if I can remember why I decided against several of them. I finally decided on PostDocLab because my 2nd choice would require me to learn all new software and hardware and I didn't want to waste my time. As it turns out, they changed hardware during my first year, so it wouldn't have been an issue at all. PostDocLab was also close to my parents and I had just found out that I was pregnant. I guess the point is that it was the safe choice - presumably easy transition, close to home, famous guy, how could I go wrong? My first regret is the lab I picked. It's not that it was awful or anything; we just never clicked and were not productive as a result. How could I have known? Well, it would have been nice if people in his lab were honest. They completely misled me about his management style and availability. Maybe they just don't know any better. Maybe I asked the wrong questions.

Our plan was to work on projects in the same field but using a different technique and incorporating more information about one aspect. Let's say my field is Popcorn. In grad school I studied techniques of making popcorn in an WhirleyPop and which WhirleyPop creates the best popcorn. In my postdoc, we planned to study techniques of making popcorn in an air popper taking into account the chemical structure of popcorn and how that interacts with the air popper. The problem is that the air popper cannot be dissected and to really understand how it works (given that I just can't take it apart and look) is sort of a black magic. PostDocAdvisor is the inventor of the air popper, so it shouldn't have been a problem I thought. Except it was. One hour per week when he was in town was not enough time to understand the air popper no matter how hard I tried. And besides I already know how to make popcorn in the Whirley Pop and every time I tried and failed to make popcorn in the air popper, I thought "but I can already do this in the Whirley Pop and the Whirley Pop makes far superior popcorn in my opinion, so why bother" I didn't really give the air popper a fair chance but that is partially because the goal of simply learning to use the air popper is not a meaningful goal as a postdoc. Unless the air popper can do things the Whirley Pop can't do and I'm not convinced that is the case. I should have persisted and learned about the chemical structure of popcorn because that is useful regardless of the mechanism for making popcorn. But I didn't. I decided to continue studying the Whirley Pop because I knew I could pump out a few publications easily. I essentially just informed PostDocAdvisor of my uses of the Whirley Pop but didn't really collaborate with him in any meaningful way. My second regret was not formulating a solid research agenda for my postdoc.

At the core of both regrets are that I did not push myself hard enough and/or outside of my comfort zone. Part of this is just my cautious nature. The other part is being too worried about # of publications rather than acquiring new knowledge. Now, I'm trying very hard be open and receptive to new areas of research, even if it means I have less knowledge than a first year grad student. I'll let you know how it works out.

The return of Thursday Confessions: Dumb and dumber version

2007-08-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

I finally received a new (to me) filing cabinet. I've been waiting quite some time and was anxious to finish unpacking. I tried opening all the drawers to organize the remaining boxes that had been sitting on my office floor for entirely too long. Some of the drawers would open, some would not. Repeat for 30 minutes. I kept trying to figure out exactly which drawers did and did not open because it seemed to be a random selection each time I unlocked the cabinet. Locking and unlocking (maybe one didn't "catch" the lock mechanism or something like that I thought) them. Pulling and tugging to try to get them to open. Poking the metal lock bar (or whatever) that appeared to be the problem. I received a 5 inch scratch. And another 2 inch scratch. I yelled silently. I whispered threats and ultimatums to the filing cabinet. (I don't want my new colleagues to think I'm a complete nut, at least not yet!) I quit, extremely frustrated and sent a note asking for a new filing cabinet. Then after a break, I decided to try again -- I really wanted to finish unpacking! Repeat swearing, tugging, and turning the lock for another 15 minutes when an innocent person walked in to tell me something (not related to filing cabinets). Seeing the desperate and forlorn look on my face, he asked what was wrong. He turned the key and opened each drawer in turn explaining that it is a safety precaution that only one open at a time. Guess I haven't had a new filing cabinet in quite some time. Models from the 1960s don't have that feature.

We have a snow blower purchased for an incredibly good price before we moved from IsolationU. We recently purchased gas to put in the snow blower despite it being August because (apparently) they must contain all relevant liquid products or things stick or gum up or some such problem. (Liquids were emptied before we moved per moving company guidelines.) TheHusband filled up his much-loved-snow blower with oil and gas and then tried to start it. It didn't start. Repeat approximately 55 times. He quit, came into the house and spent lots of time looking on the web for solutions. The next day he tried to start it again. It didn't start. Repeat about 15 times. He quit, came into the house and called the manufacturer. They told him of qualified service people in the area. He called service people, who told him that it was "Lawnmower Season" and they don't look at snow blowers during Lawnmower Season (obviously!) They said to call back in the middle of Sept (apparently that is when SnowBlower Season begins, mark your calendars.) Yesterday he tried again. Once. It started. I asked what he did, and he indicated that he noticed a small problem. Clearly trying to distract me by talking about flowers and grass and dinner plans, I became even more interested and asked repeatedly until he answered. He didn't put the key in the ignition the first two days. The snow blower works just fine, as long as you put in the key.

Which is dumb and which is dumber? I don't know, you decide.

YEEEESSSS!

2007-08-20T11:54:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to fix 2 problems on my (brand new) computer for hours and hours and hours during the past week. I've tried everything. I've even restored the system to a previous date (which is a frightening thing to do). I've unistalled and reinstalled a bazillion pieces of software. I've restarted the computer six hundered thousand times. Finally, finally, finally I fixed it! And it was such an easy ridiculous fix that it is almost crazy. The router claimed to have the most recent update but I ignored that and manually reinstalled the update and tada everything works! I can't concentrate on work because I am so thrilled that I finally solved this problem. I feel like I deserve a vacation.

In other news, we went to a nearby lake this weekend and it was just beautiful. We went on a short boat excursion. We ate fish sandwhiches and fried oysters in a lovely little garden. We sat by the lake and watched kids skateboard. I love exploring new areas. If the act of moving wasn't such a gigantic pain, this love would be enough for me to move every few years. But I hate moving. So I'll just have to explore the area around NewUnivCity until I know every little town and village within a 3 hour drive.

Is it strange that wearing a sweatshirt in August made me insanely happy? Fall is almost hear!

Welcome to the Neighborhood

2007-08-19T12:12:00.000-04:00

(as we get into bed last night)

apparently: did you lock the car doors?

TheHusband: no

Apparently: arrgh, why not?

TheHusband: we have an alarm, what difference does it make?

The correct answer is hours of sleep, that is what difference it would have made.

At about 3:30 this morning, I awoke to my car alarm. Of course, it took several seconds to register that the noise was. And what felt like several minutes to first turn off the house alarm*, find my way downstairs, and find the car keys. As I picked up the car keys, the alarm stopped. And then it went off again. I walked over to the window to look out, holding the house alarm key in my hand** and wondering if this was a smart move. I saw no one, but noticed that the light inside my car was on. So I went upstairs and woke The Husband who was sound asleep*** and called the police. The Husband wanted to go outside but I told him just to wait. The police came and noted that the car door was open. I checked and nothing was missing. The only possible things to be missing are: an umbrella stroller, reusable grocery bags, a car seat, medical records for The Kid that are patiently waiting to be dropped off to the new doctor, about 78 cents, a few pens, a coloring book or 2, the requisite umbrella, flashlight, and jumper cables. I guess the alarm scared off the would-be-thief of 78 cents. The police didn’t take a report, I guess it is not illegal to open up a door. Though, quite frankly I think it should be illegal to wake me up (and presumably a few neighbors) at 3 in the morning.

I already have a slightly paranoid mind when it comes to personal safety so I’m not happy about staring this chapter of my life feeling uneasy. I am, however, very grateful that we had a home security system installed the week after we moved in or I would definitely not be able to sleep at night.

* because we have motion detectors and it will (allegedly) sound if we go down the steps without turning it off

** it has a panic mechanism that call the police automatically, if only I could remember how to activate it

*** who wakes up when he senses that The Kid is awake even though The Kid has not made a sound, but somehow sleeps through 2 rounds of our car alarm

modesty

2007-08-18T14:18:00.000-04:00

apparently: oh look, a butterfly

TheKid: awe, dat budderfwhy is cute. jus wike I am cute.

Maybe you should just call it 1-14 day delivery

2007-08-14T22:04:00.000-04:00

I received a notice that my photo order has shipped along with the following nonsense:

3-10 day delivery orders experience a range of delivery times. Most orders are delivered very quickly (within two to five days), but 3-10 day delivery time depends on distance and internal 3-10 day delivery factors, and therefore cannot be guaranteed. US West Coast deliveries often arrive the next day and many US East Coast orders arrive in as few as three days. However, 3-10 day delivery can take as long as 14 days, regardless of destination. If your order has not arrived 14 days after receiving your shipping confirmation email, please contact us at T@rgetPhotoSupport@Kodakg@!!ery.com.

UPDATE: I received one package today (1 day delivery for those who are counting) with a note that I'll receive 3 or more shipments. I have a feeling that we are going to span the entire range here.

This is not good

2007-08-14T09:53:00.000-04:00

Mr.Apparently,

Can you please talk to TheKid about keeping his hands to himself. TheKid likes to put some of the kids in head locks or he will grab them from behind pull them to the floor and jump on them. I told him he needs to have safe hands and a safe body but he still continues to do. So if you can please talk to him about it.

Thank you
ScaryTeacher*

We found out today that he is being mean to Emily - who he tells me everyday is "my new bess fwend" I guess best friends let you beat them up? I'm shocked. (I'm pretty sure the head locks are just aggressive hugs but the pushing and jumping is just plain nasty behavior). We had a talk. TheHusband also had a talk with him. I hope it is all over.

Yesterday at the grocery store, TheKid points to a bald guy and excitedly yells "Hey, hims has on his head jus like Daddy's head" Take it as a compliment bald guy.

*TheKid is at an inclusive preschool with a max classroom size of 8 kids with disabilities and 7 without. They have 6 (or more?) teachers and this one takes the role of TheScaryOne. When we visited, the director said that non-disabled kids model good behavior for the disabled kids who have behavioral issues. hmmm, we got that role wrong now didn't we.

UPDATE: TheKid had a great day according to everyone and he told TheScaryTeacher "is not nice to push are fwends" Let's hope for another successful keep-your-hands-to-yourself-day tomorrow.

Saint Dymphna

2007-08-11T16:56:00.000-04:00

I was just planting a few flowers when I dug up a Saint Dymphna coin, Patron Saint of those suffering nervous and mental affliction . How did they know we were coming?

settled in

2007-08-09T10:09:00.001-04:00

Oh Blog, how I've missed you. The thing is that at least 2 people from NewU City have been spotted reading you and so I'm sad and scared*. I'm scared of being discovered (pre-tenure anyway) though I'm not sure why - I don't say anything particularly interesting academic or otherwise. Every day I want to post something but then I go through this whole evaluation process where I try to decide if it will identify me or not. I think I might be over it for a little while anyway. I might become very very good friends with sitemeter.

I'm all moved in finally. Everything is unpacked except an old typewriter that I bought as a decoration. It is missing a home so it sits at the top of the stairs in a box, waiting. Even TheSportsTeamRoom is unpacked which was no small feat. TheHusband has been planning for this room since he realized he was an adult and might actually own a home someday. For the past 3-5 years he has been buying random decorations for TheSportsTeamRoom. TSTR is missing a bar so there is still a full box or two of bar stuff waiting to be unpacked. The problem is that all the furniture appears to be from the 70s so buying a new bar at the store doesn't quite work. Anyone have a smallish 1970's bar they want to get rid of?

The best part of my new home is that I have my own office with lots of windows. Only it is so bright in the morning that I need sunglasses. Seriously. Because the walls are windows. All of them. I took a picture for you but TheKid's new hobby is taking pictures and when he was finished yesterday he threw the camera to the ground like he does when he is done with all of his toys. I think the camera has a boo-boo.

The other best part - we have a real dining room table and chairs. In grad school we had an outdoor bar type thing for a table. In postdoc-dom we had Japaneese style table and sat on pillows. Which I loved. For a while. But my back hurts and it is hard to get up and apparently I'm an old lady and I need a real table. (not the best picture and I guess PierUno doesn't have any furniture online?? so I can't show you the chairs)

The worst part of the new home situation is that we spent entirely too much money. As in we found the limit on our credit card. Half of that is moving expenses which are being reimbursed but still, it is scary.

I've started the new job and I'm still trying to feel comfortable. But it is hard because no one (and I do mean NO one) is there. Where are these people? I've always been surrounded by 20-hour-a-day, what is vacation? -types. So I'm sort of confused by the absence of people during the summer. I guess I'll get used to it - in 7 years when I'm tenured. Until then it is me and the secretaries working in the summer.

Now lets see if I even have a blogger account anymore. Anyone remember my password?

*TheKid's new saying. Every night he claims to be sad and scared so that we'll lay down with him. What is he scared of? Yesterday he didn't know, Tuesday it was mama's bedroom, and Monday it was a dinosaur.

My paper shredder works for the state

2007-06-28T17:42:00.001-04:00

My paper shredder works for approximately 15-20 minutes then requires a 20 minute break. It is driving me insane.

My mother convinced me at a young age that I absolutely must keep every piece of paper that entered my hand. She has years and years of phone bills, cable bills, etc. She keeps every receipt she has ever received. Honest. Upon receiving a credit card bill, she finds the corresponding receipt for each charge and staples them all to the credit card bill, then files that bill. I think maybe she gets rid of the "paperwork" as she calls it every 20 years. I vaguely remember her telling me recently that she shredded 1983.

I try to keep about a year of paperwork, mostly to keep my mom happy. Turns out this can be useful on occasion, like when my bank starting charging me a $12 monthly fee and told me that this has always been their policy. I looked back through all of my statements and showed them that they were liars.

In preparation for the move, I am purging and shredding and converting all bills to email delivery. I guess I forgot to request a non-union shredder. It is going to take months to shred all this stuff at this rate. Do you think he'll work overtime if I pay double? Has it been 20 minutes yet?

What is your goal?

2007-06-28T10:41:00.000-04:00

I'm so annoyed by this that I have to tell you. We close on our house in less than 2 weeks which means that we need to find homeowner's insurance right now. I tried to get a few quotes last night but only one company provides them online (hello - welcome to 2007 insurance companies, get online). I did fill out some forms answering a million silly questions that I don't actually know the answer to (how far from a fire hydrant - no clue) then reportedly I'd receive quotes by email. I also entered all relevant dollar amounts so that (or at least I imagined) the quotes would be for the exact same coverage. First thing this morning, at a bright and early 10:30, an insurance dude called. The conversation follows:
Dan: "hi apparently, I'm "Dan from StupidQuestionInsuranceAgency"
apparently: "hi"
Dan: "Are you moving to our area?"
apparently: "yes"
Dan: "And you are buying a house in our area?"
apparently: "yep"
Dan: "As you may know there are many different options for homeowners insurance and so before I look for a plan for you, I'd like to get an idea of your goals"
apparently: "OK"
long pause because I didn't realize that this was not a statement, but a question
apparently: "can you ask a more specific question"
Dan: "Lets imagine a worst case scenario where the house burns down and damage is so bad that you need to remove anything valuable and tear down the house. Do you rebuild?"
apparently: [imagining a pick your own ending book] I don't know, it depends on a number of things. Does the mortgage co. require that I rebuild?"
Dan: "no"
apparently: "I really don't have an answer for that." [thinking - isn't there a default answer here? - I just woke up I don't want to imagine my house in ashes. What do I care anyway if I rebuild or buy new if the bank doesn't care?]
Dan: "You've bought a house and you are moving to our area?"
apparently: "yep" [thinking - we already covered this moron]
Dan: "When you are calling companies and filling out forms to get a quote - what is your goal? What is your goal in getting a quote for a homeowners insurance?"
apparently: [internal monologue comes out] "dude, this guy is bothering me I can't talk to him" and hangs up

What does this guy what to know? What is my goal? In a 3 minute converstation he asked me what my goal was 3 times. WTF do you think - I'm calling insurance companies to get a quote which means I want to know what your price is, you know, a QUOTE. I put in all the relevant dollar amounts in the forms so that the different compannies would be comparable. There are really only 3 decent companies in the area (in my opinion and according to jdpower, epinions, ambest, etc) and all I want to know is who is cheapest. It is pretty simple. We don't need to discuss my goals. I give you numbers and an address, and in return you give me a price. The end.

So I guess we won't be going with StupidQuestionInsuranceAgency. Let's hope the gas company doesn't ask about my goals when I call them or we might have to live without hot water.

UPDATE: Dan (whose real name it turns out is Eric) sent the following email:
-----------------
From: Eric
To: apparently
Subject: hanging up

(body of email)
very rude. not nice.

RealNameof StupidQuestionInsuranceAgency
contact information
-----------------
The good thing is that I know the real name of SQIA so I can be sure to avoid them. The other good thing is that this is hilarious. TheHusband thinks I should reply. "cell cut off. fuck you." I have a small inclination to call his boss, given that I know their actual name now, and tell them that Eric is incompetent, unprofessional, and they lost a customer. But I won't do either. I'll just laugh and laugh and laugh.

back and better than ever or at least the same as always

2007-06-19T14:50:00.000-04:00

The next time I disappear for months, it is probably because I've been jailed for yelling at, questioning, or otherwise objecting to the conduct of the TSA. I just can't take these ridiculous travel rules anymore, the inconsistent application (and invention) of rules, and the fact that it takes 8 people to watch me walk through a metal detector.

But this absence wasn't due to the TSA, in fact it was just a vacation.

If you define vacation as

attending a conference
two trips to NewTown one of which involved buying a house
packing parts of current house because my moving allowance which purportedly covered the entire cost of packing and moving was $1300 less than the actual cost!
scanning every paper that I own to eliminate dragging 12 boxes of papers to my new digs
hosting The(pregnant)Sister and TheNephew for a week vacation
sleeping a.lot.
trying not to strangle anyone while TheHusband was out of town and TheKid was sick and therefore the most grouchiest grouch in town
traveling to TheParents for various family functions
writing a paper
attending a great wedding, so great that we missed our return flight
prepping a new class - I have to say even I think this class just might be TheFun and as a student I hated this class. Hated it. I skipped too many classes to count, slept through a number of others, and still pulled out an A. Part of my motivation in making it TheFun was to prevent having any students like myself.
having a yard sale where we sold one dishwasher for $100 and $400 of crap - seriously people love our junk. I don't know why, it is just your typical junk. When we left GradSchoolTown, we had a yard sale in the parking lot of our apartment complex (classy, I know) and made $500 on crap ($100 on a camera and $100 on a treadmill). I think it is the fun price stickers I make. A few samples "have no clue what this does 25cents", "sometimes work, sometimes doesn't $5", "makes excellent bread, I'm just too lazy to use it $8", "fan works, cover is broke, if you want to fix it, its yours, free"
donating to Obama

yeah, so I'm back

Visual DNA

2007-04-17T19:48:00.000-04:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

seen first at timna's

Because I couldn't possibly say it better

2007-04-17T19:03:00.000-04:00

go read this

Irrational?

2007-04-16T10:10:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to make an offer on a house today. It has a gigantic in-ground pool that is newly renovated and beautiful by all accounts. A rare luxury in NewCity.

Problem: I don't swim.

Thursday Confessions

2007-04-12T21:59:00.000-04:00

My father's birthday was last week and I didn't acknowledge it.

Here's the story. My parents were married very young (age 15 & 18) and purposefully had children two years after they were married. [My mom's 30th birthday was quite a production and I remember every detail because I was in high school. Isn't that crazy? I turned 30 a year after my son's birth and almost no one noticed.] They divorced when I was 5 and my mom left custody to my dad because he had a reliable job (she had never had a job) and a house (which I assume she didn't think or want to fight for in court). She still feels guilty about this decision. My father was abusive. My mother didn't know or didn't recognize his behavior as abuse (which is not surprising given her own father, after all my sister and I never required medical care unlike her and her sisters). My father was (and still is as far as I know) an alcoholic and drug addict and dealer. It is not the physical abuse that haunts me. I without any question received the vast majority of abuse (in fact, I'm not so sure my sister would claim to have been abused herself) but I always viewed it as 1) protecting my sister and step-sisters and 2) as his problem - I had a keen awareness that I (all of us really) were quite good children and that he must be so angry for reasons unrelated to us. What haunts me is the abandonment. In 6th grade I ran away (all the way across the street) and decided that I wanted to move it with my mother (who was just about to get remarried and had what appeared to be a stable life finally). As it turns out I ran away on Father's Day and my father told me that day that if I left, he'd never speak to me again. He also demanded a reason. I told him it was the drug abuse and he denied using drugs. So I told him it was because I didn't like my step-mom (which was actually true but not reason enough to move out). He did speak to me again. My sister moved with me but not because she wanted to, really, but because she didn't want to be alone (she was always a daddy's girl). We did the every-other-weekend thing for a while but soon after the move I was banned from returning because I was too mouthy. They went on vacation without me, celebrated holidays, etc. I can't exactly remember how long my sister continued visitation but I think it was pretty much until she had her first serious high school sweetheart and decided that weekends were for boyfriends instead of dads.

My dad had a sort of interesting approach to keeping in contact with me after the move. He sometimes sent birthday and Christmas cards and/or gifts. He sometimes didn't. He sometimes sent these for my sister (her birthday is less than a month after mine) but not me. I can't tell you how many holidays ended with a good long cry wondering why I wasn't important enough for my own father to remember.

Before my wedding (almost 5 years ago) I spent many sleepless nights wondering what I'd do if my father failed to show up at my wedding. I decided not to invite him and I sent him a letter (a year in advance) informing him why and telling him that he had a choice. He could continue his behavior as is or he could chose to perform the bare minimum duties of fatherhood and contact me on holidays and even (gasp!) on an occasional non-holiday. We talked on the phone after I sent him the letter and I could tell that he was upset about it. He apologized and explained that this was how he thought a father should behave, it was what his father taught him. His philosophy was that he sent me into he world prepared for anything and I would contact him if I needed anything. (In fact, he was always eager to respond to a request for anything (usually money) a fact my sister took full advantage of. I do have this semi-bizarre sense that my father would do anything I asked of him except just being a father and or a grandfather.) His behavior did not change and I did not invite him to my wedding.

That was really a life changing event for me. I (for the most part) lost my guilt over not being the perfect daughter and lost some sense of embarrassment/shame/? that I wasn't good enough for my own father to love (though not all of it). Until my son was born. Then I felt some obligation to try to allow him to be a grandfather. I sent pictures and notes. He sent cards and money the first year. Nothing the second year and then this year he sent via overnight mail so it arrived in time, a birthday card, note, temporary tatoos, and money. And a Christmas card and money. I never responded. I thought about it but I don't want to play games anymore. I told him pre-wedding that he has to be in or out of my life I can't take anything in the middle. So Christmas passed with no card or call and his birthday passed with a twinge of guilt but no card or call. I worry that when he dies I will not recover from a surge of guilt, shame, sadness, etc. but I push that away for now and focus on ensuring that my son knows that I love him endlessly with no reservations (despite the fact that he is of the .05% of toddlers who clearly and unquestionably prefer their father to their mother for any and every event in life*).

*no I'm not bitter or jealous, why do you ask?

Who Doesn't?

2007-04-11T12:47:00.000-04:00

(in the car on the way home)

TheKid: Tell me wha-chou need mama.*

apparently: I don't need anything TheKid. I'm good, thanks!

TheKid: You need da popcorn mama?

TheKid: Here, here da popcorn fo you mama [handing me imaginary popcorn].

apparently: mmm, that is good popcorn! I did need that! Thank you TheKid!

*don't ask me where this came from

Nice to know where I rank

2007-04-11T12:38:00.000-04:00

During the past 2 weeks, TheKid has adopted all sorts of new sayings. He has started declaring things he loves and things he does not love. His inaugural profession of love for the one who lugged him around in utero with 5 months of "morning" sickness and 4 months of 24-hour heartburn went like this:

TheKid: I wuv mama

apparently: speechless while reveling in the adorableness of this sweet sweet child, total time of 0.045 seconds

TheKid: I wuv my backet ball whoop

RBOC: why I hate airports

2007-04-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

I've had so much to say the past week or so that I've said nothing because I don't know where to start. Today is apparently mow the lawn and cut the trees day. It took me about an hour to drive to my office, weaving around various lawn mowing companies with 20-something boys smoking cigarettes while standing next to big trucks, fail to find a parking space without a 'do not park here' sign, and return back home. And so, I am annoyed and resort to blogging rather than anything requiring thought and/or effort.

Visit to FriendWithKids was eventFUL. Turns out our kids don't play together so well. OldestBlondeBoy was happy to share as long as toys being shared were chosen by him and played with as directed. TheKid is not so good at following directions, especially those given by a 3 yr old and of course only wanted to play with toys OBB had in his hand. Instead TheKid decided to steal from, push, and maybe even step on TallBabyBoy. TBB on the other hand was a perfect angel. If TheKid was so well behaved at 11 months I would have had 2 more by now.
FriendWithRestlessLeg had remarkably restful legs and I must say is a brave soul. I would surely have lost my mind if I spent days with other peoples misbeavin' kids.
Father of TBB and OBB is a saint. He voluntarily spent the entire day with all 3 kids so us girls could go to TheBigCity. I have to say it was a pretty great, if a bit cold, day (for us, not so much for him).
Flight home was cancelled with no announcement. When we checked-in the board said 'on time'. We found food, found the gate, and hung out until I got nervous when there was no plane, no gate agents, and the sign said some destination other than home, at 10 minutes til departure. I went to investigate (expecting a gate change) and found out that our flight was cancelled. They tried all kinds of crazy re-routing including taking a taxi to other airport and flying home, taking a taxi to yet a different airport and flying directly to GradSchool, waiting until tomorrow, etc. I had made the mistake of truthfully informing ticketing agent that TheKid was 2. After 30 minutes of trying to put me in a taxi or a hotel, a supervisor came over, pushed a few buttons, and said to me "He [TheKid] is under 2, right?" to which I enthusiastically responded "YES" and we were on the next flight home. I wasn't exactly thrilled about holding a sleeping, grouchy, dirty* kid on my lap for the flight home but I was happy that I'd still catch my flight to GradSchool.
My connection was now too close to walk out exchange Kid for computer and re-enter through security so the wonderful ticketing people at America West arranged for TheHusband to get a gate pass (who knew this was even possible post 9-11? really, who knew?). We met at the gate and like Superman I removed one child, one backpack, and one coat handed them to TheHusband, spun around, and accepted one computer and one carryon then dashed off for my other flight.
Of course that flight (which was originally delayed 1.5 hours) was now delayed another 1.5 hours. When I arrived at the gate, many angry people were talking to the gate agent and I learned that there was no pilot and no flight attendants, thus the delay. Early morning flight was full but mid afternoon flight had seats. I decided that I could not spend any more time in any airport, called TheHusband before he left, and exchanged my ticket for afternoon flight.
Luckily (?) TheKid's luggage was lost so TheHusband hadn't left because he was still waiting for it to come flying down the ramp.
We filed a lost luggage form and went home.
As soon as we arrived, TheHusband called airline and they confirmed me on early morning flight (rather than afternoon flight) and booked me a taxi.
Flight to GradSchool was fine** (shortened) trip was great.
Return flight, as you might have guessed by now, was delayed 3.5 hours. I had 2 gigantic margaritas (what else to do?) and caught up on some blog reading.

*TheKid and 5 yr old MilesfromNewState were the best of friends at the airport. They played a game where MfNS rolled (most of the time anyway) a ball to TheKid, then ran down to retrieve the ball before TheKid could, and handed it to TheKid. TheKid then rolled (and/or threw) the ball to MfNS's end of the airport with a 50% chance of hitting an innocent bystander before MfNS had time to run back to his station at the other end of the airport and retrieve the ball. Some people were not happy. At all. Especially when they were hit in the head with the ball. It was foam, so I wasn't too worried. No one actually complained to me, so I pretended not to notice. I figured being hit in the head by a foam ball was better than listening to a 2yr old scream and throw himself to the ground. Maybe some people disagreed, I don't know and honestly I don't care.

**Although when I arrived at the airport they announced that they needed 5 people to volunteer to be bumped (of a 30 person flight) and that our flight crew was not present and we would be delayed. I nearly freaked out. Somehow everything magically resolved itself when I went to the restroom and though we took off late, we actually arrived early.

Thursday Confessions

2007-03-29T19:41:00.000-04:00

TheKid and I are flying to visit FriendWithKids (said kids and husband) and FriendWithRestlessLeg. I am bring (lots of) chocolate for the purposes of bribery. Because I'm a good parent like that.

We return Tuesday but I will literally walk out of the gate, exchange 1 suitcase and 1 child for a computer and a new bag, and return through security to catch another flight. I'm going to GradSchoolTown to accept an award. I feel sort of greedy(or something), I received my PhD years ago and I'm still winning awards. I sort of feel like it is someone else's turn for glory (not that it is exactly glorious but whatever). But how can I complain? I am eternally grateful for the insane level of support I receive from BestAdvisorEver. He is THE BAE!

Expect light blogging ahead (not that there has ever been heavy blogging around here in any sense of the word).

Dear Roofers,

2007-03-27T09:04:00.000-04:00

first, how can you be so incredibly f*d up at 9 am? second, do ya really think it is a good idea to come to work f*d up? your job involves climbing up tall ladders and standing on sloped surfaces. I wouldn't do it sober, I'm just sayin.

love and sobriety,
apparently

ps - my entire first aid kit includes a blood pressure monitor, elmo band aids, and malox leftover from my pregnancy, so please don't fall. thanks!

Mondays are for Martinis

2007-03-26T08:10:00.000-04:00

Chocolate Martini

4 oz vodka
3 oz chocolate liqueur
2 oz coffee liqueur
splash of cream

shake with ice, strain, pour, drink

(we used these but I'm sure there must be equally good and less label-happy brands)