UNCLE EDDIE'S THEORY CORNER!

I CAN'T FIND MY KEYS

2009-11-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

EXT. THEORY MANSION:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "(Cry of anguish) Aaaaagh! I can't find my keys! I have to be somewhere and I can't find my keys!"

INT. THEORY MANSION:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Tracy, you're my secretary...do you know where my keys are?"

TRACY: "Sorry Uncle Eddie, I haven't seen them. Have you tried the living room?"

INT. LIVING ROOM:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Florence! Have you seen my keys?"

FLORENCE: "Keys? Hmmm...no keys around here. Maybe they slipped into a crack in one of the sofas."

BAMBINA: "I just looked. Nothing in this sofa."

YVETTE: "Nothing here either, Uncle Eddie! Have you tried the kitchen?"

ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Hi, Weirdina. Have you seen my keys?"

WEIRDINA: "Sorry Uncle Eddie, I can't think about that now! I'm writing a poem. It's about famine and pestilence and man's inhumanity to man!"

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Oh, uh...right. Sorry I interrupted."

INT. KITCHEN:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Penelope...do you know anything about my keys?"

PENELOPE: "Keys? Mmmmm, no. No keys here."

CHARLOTTE: "They're not up here either, Uncle Eddie."

PENELOPE: "I don't see anything down here."

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): 'Monica, have you..."

MONICA: "Nope, sorry. Ask Tracine."

ON THE BALCONY:

TRACINE: "Maybe you left them in the car. (Then, shouting down to the street) MINERVA! SEE IF UNCLE EDDIE'S KEYS ARE IN HIS CAR!"

ON THE STREET:

MINERVA: 'Keys? Okay!"

MINERVA: "Hmmmm, let's see...keys, keys, keys...hello, what's that?"

MINERVA (VO): "...They're here! I FOUND THEM!"

MINERVA (VO): Hi, little boy! Will you take these keys and give them to Uncle Eddie inside the house?

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Oh, thanks, kid! Tell, you what...go downstairs and tell the chef I said he should make you any kind of sandwich you like. Tell him to put lots of paper parasols and little plastic swords in it. Come to think of it, I'll go with you. I'll just get my jacket and...

...hey wait a minute! Where's my jacket!? TRAAAAACYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

THEORY CORNER BOOK REVIEW: "SUNDAGGER.NET"

2009-11-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

Hello! This is Chico Cognoscenti, book reviewer for the Theory Corner literary magazine. Today we're going to explore the strange world of the modern woman's novel. The book is "Sundagger.net" by Margaret Murray.

It's a Tony Hillerman-type novel about an Anglo woman who's invited by modern Indians to participate in their sweat lodge ceremonies. It's not my thing, but I'd hoped that reading a little bit of a novel written by a woman exclusively for other women would give me some insight into the sex, and I wasn't disappointed.

Let's read a few paragraphs, shall we?

"Sara hurried, untying her hiking boots, pulling off her sweater, her black Levis, unhooking her black lace bra. the door creaked as one of Vera's seven cats, an all black streak of fur with one white paw, slipped in and meowed. Sara threw her thick, green socks in the duffle along with the clothes and slipped on the caftan....

...She saw herself in the mirror with her caftan ballooning around her ankles. Before she had time to disapprove of her big-boned face, her bright blond dyed hair, long and fuzzy, unraveling from the batik scarf she'd wrapped around her head an hour ago, she spied the gleam of her silver earrings and her turquoise choker. Quickly she took them off as well as her watch and Australian opal ring, a gift from her ex-husband, Paul, the year Dan was born. Sara dropped her jewelry in her cosmetic bag, along with her car keys, picked up her bagfull of clothes and rushed out, nearly slamming into a young woman outside the door...."

"She had a perfectly oval face, smooth peach skin, and almond shaped black eyes. Her thick, shining, black hair was twisted up in a gold and feather hair ornament. She wore a tiny orange halter and skintight blue jeans showing her perfect belly button. Sara couldn't help thinking how Deborah Yu (her co-worker) alternated between wearing similar designer tank tops made of silk with Calvin Klein jeans and logging boots...

So here was another newbie....who invariably wore skimpy bathing suits or tight short-shorts and T-strap tops without bras. This girl's firm, smooth body curved seductively...she looked both excited and fearful, her pert breasts bobbing beneath the orange jersey top."

"[This contrasted with Sara, who had] two large towels, one old and frayed to sit on inside the sweat lodge, another thick one for afterward when she would be streaming with sweat, and a pair of shapeless cotton underpants that she didn't mind getting soaked and dirty from sitting on the ground..."

Gee, women certainly seem to be fond of their underwear. It's hard to imagine a man describing his BVDs that way.

Come to think of it, women are always changing their clothes in this book, in the part I read anyway. I guess they really get a kick out of stuff like that. Of course it helps to have a cute, fluffy animal present, or to change in a room with memorable characteristics , like mildew on the floor or cold stones or peeling paint on the walls. I don't think men really care where they change. For us a toxic waste pit is just as suitable as a palace.

If you can trust the author, women are also obsessed with the details of life, and mementos...they LOVE mementos. One of the things I learned from this book is that if you're a bachelor, and you're going out with a girl, be sure to give her a one-of-a-kind gift that she can use to remember the experience...even if she didn't like you. Girls are strange, alien creatures. They don't know how silly it is to be sentimental like that, so we should take the opportunity to make them happy.

So, what's my review? My review is that I'm a guy. It's not meant for me. I'm glad I read a few pages, though.

BTW: To be fair to the author, I did some editing to highlight the clothing descriptions.

DINNER WITH "THE MIRACLE WORKER"

2009-11-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION.

SON (VO): "Meanin' no disrespect Father, but Helen's deaf and blind. Maybe you expect too much of her."

THE COLONEL: "Tarnation! What makes you think I expect too much? I let her eat off my plate don't I? I simply said she'd benefit from some table manners!"

THE COLONEL (CONT): "Bless her li'l heart! It's not her fault that she's filthy and disgusting, and possibly evil. She needs some tender, lovin' care."

THE COLONEL (CONT): "That's why I hired The Miracle Worker!"

ON THE MIRACLE WORKER: She's doing some serious chowing down. She pauses to wave when she hears her name, then resumes eating.

FATHER (VO) (CONT): "She's a Yankee gal, but she knows that finger talk."

FATHER (VO) (CONT): "Maybe she can do some good."

SON: "But Father, maybe we don't need The Miracle Worker. Maybe Helen's never going to be better than she is right now."

SON (VO) (CONT): "Look at her. She spontaneously eats the food of others. She's a true child of nature."

SON (VO): "Maybe she's better off not knowin' the rules of man."

SON (VO) (CONT): "I envy her her. She lives in a simple world of gentleness and calm..."

SON (VO) (CONT): "...a gossamar, wispy world where the only emotions felt are those of happiness and love."

SFX: FWAP!!!!!

SFX: WHACK!!!!! She hits Helen with the spoon!

SFX: WHACK!!!!!!!!!

SFX: CRU-U-UNCH!!!! She bites Helen!

SFX: CLOOOONG!!!!!!!!! Helen hits The Miracle Worker with a baseball bat!

THE MIRACLE WORKER: (ROARS)

COLONEL: "MISS MIRACLE WORKER! I INSIST...I say I INSIST that you STOP this instant, before someone gets hurt!! Helen, you come outside with me! Poor child! You must be a bundle of nerves!"

EXT. OUTSIDE ON THE LAWN:

THE COLONEL: "Oh my Gosh! Look at this! She can hear and see! It's a miracle! The Miracle Worker has done it again!

THE END

ITALIAN INSULT GESTURES

2009-11-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I wanted to try doing pencil tests on Flash so I thought I'd do a little YouTube film of Italian insult gestures. It never came about. I had so much trouble getting the program to work that I finally walked away from it and did something else. Now I have a trial download of Digicell Flipbook, and the tiny film seems try-able again....except....

...except I just looked over my incomplete notes for the gestures and I can't remember how some of them worked, or what some of them meant.

This drawing (above) for example. What does it mean? It fell out of my notes, and I have no idea what I was thinking when I drew it. It's something I used to see in high school. Sometimes it provoked laughter, once a fight. But why? What does it mean?

And what is this (above)?

I forget what the top finger-pinch (above) means...my guess is that it says, "You mean less than dust to me!"

The bottom drawing (above) is one of the oldest and best insults: you simply turn your back on the other person. They're not worthy of your front.

Once the back is turned (above) the insulter has the option of intensifying the insult with a butt shake...

...maybe followed up with a tooth flick.

Some insult gestures (above) are so strong that to use them is to make an enemy for life. I have no idea what the above gestures mean, but I suspect that a mother's virtue is being questioned here.

All these little finger gestures...what do they mean? They look pretty nasty.

Whatever it is, it can't be good.

This one (above) had me puzzled, but I figured it out while posting it. It's the first of two drawings (the second one must be missing) showing a man about to do a pushing away gesture, as if to say, "Your existence is an offense to me! Go away! Just GO AWAY!"

What makes this special is the extreme anticipation to the push (above). It's not just a simple prelude to a push, it's a statement of obliteration. The pusher is so disgusted by the other person that he chooses suicide if necessary to avoid having to look at such a fool for a moment more.

I wanted to end the film on a cheerful note, maybe with a quick little story demonstrating some of the most common romantic gestures. I haven't found all the doodles yet, but I remember how it started:

A boy is sitting with his friends when a beautiful girl walks by. He does a startle response (above), then pushes his friends aside, maybe upturning the table, and he runs ahead of her and introduces himself. The boy puts on a good show but, since she gets hit on 50 times a day, the girl gives him a bored look and keeps on walking.

The boy runs to catch up. After trying everything, he pulls out his big gun...the thing that never fails...his most irresistibly charming gesture. He symbolically plucks off the girl's cheek, retrieves it and kiss it...kisses every finger of her cheek (!?)...then blows it back to her.

The poor boy! The girl is unaffected. She just walks on. The boy, outraged and broken-hearted, shakes the kiss from his hand, does a "Heck with you!" gesture, and returns to his friends, who are doubled over laughing.

As the speaker says in this video (above), Italy is fast losing it's gestural heritage. What a pity! I read that it used to be most intense in Naples, which was a noisy city where everybody hated everybody. The gestures were a way to argue between balconies when the clatter from the streets made spoken insults unworkable.

This video (above) is completely off topic. I found it when I was searching for gesture videos on youTube. It's only a minute long. See what you think.

FIRST EVER BLACK HOLE CREATED ON EARTH

2009-11-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

About a month ago New Scientist magazine ran a story which claimed that Chinese scientists had succeeded in creating a mini-black hole (above), or something which mimics black holes, in the laboratory. That's amazing! I don't remember seeing that in my local paper. Maybe it was buried in the obituary pages.

Evidently the hole they created isn't exactly the same kind we encounter in space (above). This one only absorbs microwaves, though the lab that created it claimed that they'll probably be able to make one that absorbs optical light by the end of the year. This would be a very, very significant event!

It's significant because the black hole absorbs the waves and emits the energy again in the form of heat, and heat powers engines. This means that black hole solar cells could run cars (above), and do it much more efficiently than solar cells can do now. No directional solar collectors would be necessary. The cars would simply absorb the ambient light around them. Maybe this would make them appear as black silhouettes to observers.

I forgot to say that this Chinese black hole was created without benefit of a super colider like the one at CERN (above). This was done on a tabletop device made of printed circuit boards arranged in rings around a cylinder. Two Indiana scientists figured out how such a machine would work in theory and the Chinese surprised everybody by actually building it.

Thanks to Milt Gray for telling me about this.

WIGS, HANDS AND PUPPETS

2009-11-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd put up a couple of the wigs and hands (above) that I scored at Halloween time. This rubber giant's hand is a thing of beauty. The photo doesn't do it justice.

Expect a story about a giant soon. I've gotta give this baby a test run!

And here's (above) the new Moe wig! What do you think?

It's (above) really versatile. Tilt it forward a bit and you get the emo look.

No, wait a minute. Emos (above) comb their hair over to one side! Here I'm a bright and happy side-combed emo.

Here (above) I'm a sad, dimwitted one.

Roll the wig back a bit, and you get Spock from Star Trek!

SPOCK: "Klingons on the starboard bow, Captain!"

Roll the wig forward and I'm Bones, the Enterprise's tempramental doctor:

BONES: "I'm a DOCTOR Jim, and I'm not going to have my sickbay turned into an amusement park!"

Spock again (above):

SPOCK: "It's LIFE Jim, but not as we know it!"

Let me turn on the color (above), so you can see what my new Esmeralda puppet looks like in blue.

I know what you're thinking: "Where's her arms?"

Here's one (above)!

And here's another (above). She appears to be shocked at something.

Boy, I love Halloween!

THEORY CORNER FOR MEN: " THE GIRLS OF CARL'S JR."

2009-11-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

I think Playboy already did a "Girls of McDonald's" spread. Bah! Let them have McDonald's! Everybody knows the real babes hang out at Carl's Junior!

I grant you, McDonald's (above) has the best fries.

But Carl's gets the best people (above). More artsy types hang out at Carl's than any other fast food chain, at least in my area.

Here's (above) one of Carl's artsy customers relaxing at home. Orange dress, orange throw pillows, and orange walls...that takes a certain boldness...

...a boldness no doubt inspired by the orange food at Carl's.

I admit that all those burgers can put on the pounds (above) if you're not careful.

Interestingly, some people manage to stay slim no matter how much they eat. I used to be one of them.

Here's (above) another slim customer. Holy Mackerel! This girl is perfectly dressed for the Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary. Theory Corner women, take note!

Carl's does seem to get a lot of worldly women (above). The young innocents seem to prefer Denny's.

The restaurant also gets a certain number of people who are utensil-challenged.

Some women bring their evil boyfriends (above).

Some women (above) bring their cell phones, which is much worse. I've learned from eavesdropping on loud cell phone calls that lots of Carl's women complain to other women about their controlling mothers.

P.S. Thanks to John for the nifty title!

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD" WITH CHARACTER ARCS

2009-11-07T17:14:00.001-08:00

Character arcs are overused today, and I blame that excess on all the how-to-write books that are on the shelves nowadays. Most of the books take a simple, boring premise and shamelessly try to pump it up by character arcs.

I don't know how the people who write these books sleep at night. They've ruined a whole generation of writers by convincing them that story is less important than character embellishments. They obscure the simple fact that writing is about story. The story can and should have character conflict (like "The Odd Couple")...it can even be about character arcs (like "Twelve Angry Men")...but there's gotta be a story, and it's gotta be a really good one. You have to watch out because obsessing over character arcs can distract you from the fact that your basic story sucks.

Well, I've said all that in previous posts. What I want to talk about here is how misapplied character arcs can subvert a story that already works. "Little Red Riding Hood," for example. The original story...which has no character arcs at all...is wonderful. It's evocative and magical, and manages to dig deep into the human psyche. Not only that, it's told with great economy. Would that story be improved by adding character arcs? Let's outline a rewrite and see....

Since we're rewriting for character arcs, it'll be necessary to firm up Riding Hood's personality at the outset, so the reader'll be able to understand how she evolves during the course of the story. For that, we'll need a sequence to establish her carelessness, and show how this worries her parents. Maybe we add a few farm animals and see how vexed they are when Riding Hood neglects to feed them.

Of course we want people to like Riding Hood in spite of her flaw so we'll need some incident to set that up, too. We can forget the economy that characterized the original...our story will take a while to get off the ground.

When her mother finally gets around to sending her to Grandma's house and orders her to not to talk to strangers, we'll need to see Riding Hood's disdain for what she thinks is her mother's paranoia. Remember that we want the reader to like Riding Hood, so that disdain will have to be carefully expressed. We'll see the worried look on the mother's face as Riding hood disappears into the forest. To tie up the father's role, maybe he joins the mother and puts a comforting arm around her shoulders.

Since the arc is so important we'll need Riding hood to mutter to herself in a disgruntled fashion while walking through the forest. Maybe we should give her a pet dog so she'll have someone to voice her thoughts to. Of course we'll need to establish their relationship. We'll also need some time to establish the dog's personality, and what it thinks of what Red is saying. And...oh, yes...we may need to get rid of the dog later so we should also take time to establish that it likes to chase squirrels, and is prone to get lost in the forest.

Aaaargh! All these arc helpers are going to need time to play out. That's okay, we can buy time by eliminating details that added texture to the original story, like the "What big eyes you have" litany at the end. Character arcs are voracious eaters of time. You end up cutting the guts out of a good story just to shoehorn all the arcs and extra characters in.

Well, that's all I have space for here. You can tell from what's here already that the arcs drastically slowed down the story, gave too much attention to minor characters, trivialized atmospheric elements, and drained the story of the deep psychological/archetypal resonances of the original.

I love the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Her walk to Grandma's house is the most famous walk in Western fiction. What a pity that it can be rendered so banal by modern storytelling technique.

Good writers know they're home free when what they've written is so primal that it lends itself to satire, as in the Tex Avery remake of Little Red Riding Hood shown above. Think about the woman on the ice flow in "Uncle Tom's Cabin," or the orphan who asks for more gruel in "Oliver Twist." These are tragic figures but you can't deny that they inspire humor. Can you say the same about the arc rewrite we just did?

Would the rewritten, formula version inspire countless puppet shows, as the Brothers Grimm version did?

Could you get a Betty Boop cartoon out of it?

Would it inspire funny drawings like the one (above)?

MORE FROM MY FAVORITE PORTRAIT STUDIO

2009-11-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

Here's more from Retroatelier, my favorite portrait photography studio (link on the sidebar). They publicize their work using pictures of models in retro settings, then offer to do similar types of photos for paying customers. They're so well-known in the Ukraine that they occasionally pack up their props and do road tours.

Believe it or not, this (above) is a recent picture.

I could see a woman getting a nude portrait if it was done as well as this (above).

Men (above) photograph particularly well when they act in front of the camera.

Hollywood-style glamour photography!

A Marlena Dietrich pose above).

This (above) could have been taken by Man Ray.

A Symbolist picture (above)! I can't believe the length these guys will go to to get an effect.

This (above) is their most versatile model. She does sci-fi, Art Nouveau, gritty 30s realism, and 50s pin-up, all with equal conviction.

So far as I can tell, a good portrait (like the one above) requires at least two sittings. The first time a lot of experiments are made. It's important to do a lot of quick and dirty pictures to find out what the camera will accept from the subject.

Here the camera has decided to accept "mean." The subject might have been the nicest person in the world, but the camera decided she was mean, and that's how the picture was taken.

Very nice (above)!

What a great idea! This (above) is portrait photography disguised as journalism. The newspaper print is fake.

A portrait (above) that suggests good times had in France in the 1930s.

Above, an imaginative way to take the portrait of a man (above) who flatters himself as being analytical.

Man, these guys are great!

AAAAARGH!

2009-11-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

This is a whole post about hentai, which is a type of sentimental Japanese animated porn. Anonymous wrote to say that he preferred hentai women to real women and he was so passionate and eloquent in his argument ( https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=28525168&postID=2532221069718799560 ), and the genre is so influential in animation circles, that I felt compelled to answer. I don't really know anything about the subject, and I'll probably get in over my head, but here goes:

As you probably know, hentai is all about cartoon women who have sex. It can be pretty raunchy...

...but it also can be amazingly innocent and sensitive, something you don't expect to see in porn.

One of the appealing things about it is that it's fan based, and not as corporate as the American product.

Hentai comes in lots of styles. The clips I just watched were full of glassey-eyed, sad girls that were soooo cloying. They're that way in some Japanese sci-fi too, but in this kind of hentai it's more frequent and more distilled. A commenter said that this is consistent with the Japanese idea of sex, where one partner is always very submissive.

Like so much of Japanese animation, hentai is sometimes wedded to cuteness and fashion in a way that cartoons never were before. The girls frequently look like they just came out of the beauty salon, and just went shopping for expensive clothes.

Maybe that's one of the reasons hentai has so many girl fans. Some girls really like this stuff!

It's a new synthesis. It mixes a male taste for porn and heroic idealism with a female taste for cuteness and relationships. This kind of hentai is a unisex thing, which nudges fans who take it seriously into an emo lifestyle. So far as I can tell, anime and hentai (and indirectly, J. D. Salinger's "sensitive" novels) had more to do with creating the emo movement than musicians did.

Hentai fantasies can be so appealing that some male fans can't relate to women in the real world. Imagine how much more severe this problem is going to be in ten years or so, when virtual reality and holography finally mature.

Guys who suspect that they have this problem should read Peter Thorpe's "Why Literature is Bad for You." Literature has a dark side. It ought to come with a warning label, because it can fire you up for unrealistic life strategies that handicap you. It's a kind of propaganda for lifestyles that can make you weaker. My suspicion is that men who can't deal with real women will develop trouble dealing with other men as well, and that can't be a good thing.

But I don't want to end on a negative note. What I like about hentai is its street smarts. It assumes that young people crave meaningful relationships at the same time that they crave sex. It assumes that young people are smart and idealistic and take life seriously. It seems so attuned to basic human cravings that you find yourself wondering why no one ever thought of it before. Even sooooo.......

WHAT MY HALLOWEEN WAS LIKE

2009-10-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

Actually I had a terrific Halloween. I didn't make a "Tunnel of fear" this year, but I made lots of paper witches and goblins which I put out on the porch, and I got lots of really cute little kids at the door.

By far the most common costume was Snow White (above). There were zillions of plump little Snow Whites on my steps!

More than a few adult Snow Whites (above) too.

That's the "sexy" Little Red Riding Hood costume above. Boy, those "sexy" costumes sold big this year! I didn't actually see any Riding Hoods tonight but I show it anyway for the edification of my male readers.

Forgive me; I digress.

Now I'm a pretty good keeper of Halloween. That's because I realize that the whole kid year revolves around Halloween and Christmas. I don't know any other holiday where you can make so many people feel good with such a small investment of time and money. But....I confess that even I, Halloween enthusiast that I am, had one big lapse.

My name is eternally written in the Book Of Infamy, because one horrible year, maybe ten years ago, I darkened the house and pretended I wasn't home. I can't remember why, I just know that I'd been been feeling rotten and curmudgeonly all month. Maybe like Scrooge, I reasoned that kids should be working in textile mills and eating gruel for dinner on dirty benches. It was the winter of my discontent.

When the night came I parked my car a block away, so people would think I was out carousing. I darkened the entire house, which was devoid of decoration. It was a moonless night, and the trees and shrubs on either side of my lawn kept the house as dark and black as I've ever seen it.

The only light inside was the light from the TV which I kept so dim and nearly silent that I could hardly make out was going on...and even that was shut up behind closed drapes. It sucked to sit there in the dark like that, but I figured that I was at least safe from trick or treaters.

Well, to make a long story short, I wasn't safe. Millions of kids knocked on my door. I don't even know how they found the door without tripping in the dark. They even knocked on my window, with me sitting only a few feet away! I could hear them talking about me, wondering what happened to me.

Every new group had one kid who was an expert at ferreting out hiding adults. Just when the group would be ready to give up and leave, this kid would catch a stray photon from the TV and bring everybody back. I had to listen to whole debates about myself.

One line in particular stands out in my mind. I heard a mother talking to her kids as she approached my house with a flashlight, and she said "Wait'll you see this house. He always does something for Halloween, wait and see." She knocked and knocked, then I heard disappointed groans from the kids. Man, that hurt.

The next day seemed normal enough on the surface. None of the neighbors said anything insulting, but I could feel an icy radiation coming from them. It took six months for people to talk to me normally again.

So I'm a faithful keeper of Halloween again...not only because I love the holiday, which is so rich in color and imagination...but because I felt the lash administered to those wretches who fail to keep it.

MY HALLOWEEN MASKS

2009-10-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

I guess everybody collects something. For me it's funny Halloween masks. I line the tops of my book shelves with them.

Here's (above) one of my favorites. Look at the planes in the face, and the beautiful lines! It has that combination of strength and grace that characterizes true art, and it's funny, too! I wish I could meet the artist who sculpted this.

A mask (above) derived from Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks." The film was fatally flawed but it had some great moments, and the Martians were originally designed by Wally Wood.

Of course, the mask doesn't do justice to the magnificent creature in the film.

Another brain Martian (above). We can only hope that real aliens from other planets are ugly bloodsuckers like this one.

Oliver Hardy (above) wearing a fez.

A Frankenstein mask, with wonderful detail in the face.

The Penguin from Batman #2!

Remember when Max Headroom's face (above) was all over the billboards and toy stores? The fedora doesn't fit, but it'll do until I can get one that does.

Here's my Bobby Bigloaf mask (above), which is sadly bland and brittle now. When I tried to restore the old shape by stuffing the mask with newspapers, it started coming apart in my hands. I lost a lot of masks that way: my old Sadie Hawkins mask, the Nairobi Trio caveman, and my Roy Orbison and Borneo cannibal masks suffered the same fate.

I'm afraid to use Amour All-type preservatives because of outgassing, and I don't want to keep the masks in plastic or in heat-safe areas where I can't see them. *Sigh!* I guess nothing lasts forever.

Haw! Mike F. just sent me this (above) Halloween news item. See what you think!

PROPER ATTIRE FOR THE LADIES AUXILIARY

2009-10-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

After posting the Muskrat piece it occurred to me that I goofed up the part describing proper Ladies Auxiliary attire. I offer my humble apology. I should have realized that no real lady wants to wear a moth-eaten, old coonskin cap. Ladies of good upbringing and refinement prefer traditional straw hats with flowers.

A net on the hat is a nice touch.

Fur pieces and pearls are welcome additions if you happen to have them. Phony fur is OK, even preferable, since nobody wants to think of an animal actually dying for this.

Here's some hats (above and below) that work okay. All the women in my house left for a vacation back East, so I'm stuck with modelling them myself.

Aaaah, the traditional lone sunflower (above) on a straw hat.

Here's a hat that's a bit racy, but still okay. Maybe it belonged to a wicked city woman, or a widow who was looking for a second husband.

Easter baskets (above) make great hats.

More acceptable hats (above): pretty "out there," but still good for The Ladies Auxiliary.

Unacceptable hats: too minimal, too tasteful and too understated. They don't give testimony to the pride a woman feels for being a member of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary.

Also unacceptable: too avant garde. The Ladies Auxiliary is already cutting edge. Farther than the edge is...chaos...what can I say?

So what is the preferred attire for a member of The Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary? It's what club women wore in the golden age of women's clubs, circa 1900 - 1960. Dressing this way doesn't limit Auxiliary women's full participation in Muskrat discussions and activities.

I thought you might find it interesting to see what club women were like in 1953. Here's a commercial showing several club women assembled for a washing machine demonstration. The range of women in the room is amazing. At one end is Betty Furness, who comes off as a super intelligent star ship captain, and at the other is a woman who sounds just like Aunt Bea. The commercial only lasts for a minute or two...just skip the rest.

MEETING OF THE ROYAL ORDER OF THE MUSKRAT

2009-10-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM: Members of The Royal Order take their seats.

The chairman, called The Grand, Exalted, Imperial Muskrat with Oak Leaf Clusters, pounds the gavel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this meeting of the Royal Order of the Muskrat is called to order!"

GRAND MUSKRAT: "All rise for the Muskrat salute! 'Hail, Noble Muskrat! We, thy brothers and sisters, salute thee!' "

"Snork! Snork, Snork!"

"Chortle! Chortle! Chortle!"

"WOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"(Ahem!) You may be seated! Now let's see....the first item on the agenda is..."

"...the first item is an expression of thanks to The Ladies Auxiliary for the fine pies they've baked for us tonight! I think a round of applause is in order."

On the Ladies Auxiliary.

(SFX) Applause.

MOOSE LADIES: "Excuse us. We're the Ladies Auxiliary for the Fraternal Order of the Moose. Do you know which room they're meeting in? (THEN) Gee it's cold in here."

"Um...Fraternal Order of the Moose?...they're...um..uh...um, next door, across the hall."

MOOSE LADIES: "*Thank-yoooouuu*!"

The ladies exit.

"The Chair recognizes Brother Norton!"

BROTHER NORTON: I just want to say that we should send a delegation to those women to apologize for for exposing their delicate skin to the rigors of our cruel, masculine air conditioning. It's only right."

"You're right, Brother Norton. Thank you for proving that chivalry is not dead. I say we give them our pies as a token of our sorrow."

!!!!!!!!!!!

"On second thought, HALF the pies should be adequate compensation."

"Huh!?"

SERGEANT AT ARMS: "Mr. Chairman, one of the ladies bumped her leg on the way out."

The chairman pounds the gavel.

CHAIRMAN: "ALL the pies! That and our entire treasury!!!"

"Um... don't worry about the details. I can deliver the pies myself."

"It says here that the next item on the agenda is a demonstration for new members of The Muskrat Handshake. As this sacred handshake is for the eyes of members only, I request that the Sergeant of Arms lock the doors."

"When two Muskrats meet on the street an identifying handshake is in order. The member standing most Northward is always the initiating greeter. The greeter proudly thrusts his arm out horizontally, signifying the with his assertive attitude, the noble bearing of the North American muskrat."

"The out-thrust arm is met by the equally assertive arm of the member being greeted. The two arms align at the forearm."

"A slide is initiated, commemorating the movement of the glaciers thousands of years ago that gave rise to the woodland habitat of the modern muskrat. At the end of the slide the thumbs are engaged and the hands pivot to a new position."

"Watch closely. What happens next is full of meaning and tradition."

"The fingers stiffen then are quickly and decisively withdrawn, reminding us of the regrettable intolerance showed to muskrats by hunters and hound dogs."

"A vigorous shake of the hand symbolizes the hardships suffered by muskrats on their yearly migrations."

"And finally, the diddled-fingers-hand-to-nose represents the exalted triumph of the muskrat who, though he eats the babies of other animals, always chitters a cheerful 'Thank you!' for the meal."

"Well, I think that just about wraps it up. Any more new business? Any

old business? No?"

SFX: (raps gavel on the podium)

"...Then I declare this meeting adjourned!"

"Be well, my brothers and sisters!"

"Pssst! Sergeant at Arms! I'll deliver those pies now!"

NOTE TO READERS: The Royal Order of the Muskrat is REAL! It really meets every month or two here online at Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner. We discuss animation and cartooning, and most other subjects except politics. Members receive a discount at the Theory Corner Store, which I'll try to put up soon.

Membership is free but to be a member you must participate in at least one meeting. If you're a guy and you'd like to participate, then post a picture of yourself on your own site wearing a coonskin cap (no substitutes unless you can tinker something together that really looks like a coonskin hat), dark jacket, fringed epaulets, white shirt and a tie, and send me a link to the picture, which I'll post. Homemade versions of the epaulets are OK. (I made my own). You may post a question or comment below the picture and I'll print them when the next meeting comes up.

Girls may join the Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary. All the above membership information applies, except the jacket and coonskin cap are unnecessary. Girls attire consists of what proper clubwomen wore in the golden age of womens clubs, 1900-1960: a straw hat with flowers, old-style dress, and (optional) white gloves or pearls. Skill at making pies is helpful, but not necessary.

There's no pressure to be a member. Reader response at the meetings is entirely unnecessary and, frankly, I'll be amazed if anyone actually does it. It's only for people who feel the need to participate.

P.P.S.: Kern, Hunsecker, Lester, Ardy: I am SOOOOO sorry that I accidentally deleted your comments from the previous post! I deserve death, I know!

HOW TO FIND THE MATE WHO'S MEANT FOR YOU

2009-10-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I'm always happy to look at wallet photos of people's families, especially if the person showing them to me is someone I find appealing. That's because looking so often reveals couples who look genuinely happy in each other's company. That's no small thing. I find pictures like that to be bracing, and seeing them makes me feel good for hours after.

Some people manage to find that one in a million person who's exactly right for them. Take the people in the picture above. You can tell the guy loves to tell his wife jokes, and you can tell that she loves to listen to them. Isn't that interesting? Man, someone pretty with breasts and a charming personality to laugh at your jokes...that's Heaven on Earth. What more could you ask for?

The amazing thing is that nice people like this manage to find each other. What are the odds? I mean the person who's right for you could be selling cigarettes in Khazakistan. How on Earth would you ever find that person? I have an answer, but I warn you...it's not logical.

My utterly unprovable belief is that that a supernatural power finds that person for you, and makes sure that you collide with each other on the street. It's as simple as that. If the cigarette seller in Khazakistan really, really is the right person for you, then a supernatural force will arrange for that person to be in your town, on your street, and bump into you. Bam! There go the groceries all over the sidewalk! All you have to do is not be a loser and ignore the gift that's just been given to you.

One of the cool things about finding the right person is that you'll have cool children, and when they grow up they'll also have cool children, so you'll have a little dynasty of coolness going for a couple of generations. Somewhere down the line your progeny will turn into serial killers who can never find their keys for all the heroin needles that are lying all over the house, but there's not much you can do about that, so why worry?

Above, an example of cool children. I could look at pictures like this all day.

Many thanks to CAM Thompson who told me about the site where I found these pictures, a blog called "Sexy People." Jorge Garrido turned me on to something else, which I direct you to below....

....a caricature of me by Aaron Philby! I look like I'm 95 years old here, but the age gives me...gravitas. Thanks, Aaron!

http://aaronphilby.blogspot.com/2008/08/caricature-of-eddie-fitzgerald.html

ABOUT A CERTAIN STORE......

2009-10-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

Haw! I almost feel sorry for Walmart because the recent spate of "People of Walmart" pictures on the net are going to cost that chain millions of dollars in lost sales. I say "almost," because it's hard to shed a tear for that store. Besides being a major outsourcer, Walmart's prices are fairly high relative to their production costs. I wonder if the the small discount we get at the cash register really compensates for the lost manufacturing jobs.

There are legitimate bargains in the store, but you have to have an eye for finding them. An awful lot of what's on the shelves sells for the same price competitors charge. Amazingly this doesn't deter the customers from buying there. Maybe people some people go just to watch the human show.

My guess is that people deliberately dress weird (above) when they know they're going to Walmart. There's a kind of year-round Mardi Gras going on there and you don't want to get caught dressing conservatively when every one else is cutting loose.

Notice how Walmart men flaunt their beer bellies. Outside on the street a gut is something to be ashamed of, but inside the doors of Walmart it's carried proudly. You park yourself in a whole aisle devoted to ketchup and mustard and just be, just allow people to admire the belly.

Not to be undone, the ladies strut their stuff.

You may think this woman (above) is revealing a lot...

...but it's all relative.

The store is bleak and ugly but to be fair, there's plenty of color. It comes from things like fluorescent cookie boxes and day glow juice containers.

I kinda like these women (above).

What do you call this (above) style? Is this what people mean when they talk about "Glam?"

Of course goths would shop at Walmart. It was made for them.

You do see a lot of hot pants in this store. I wonder if there are doggie hotpants in the pet section?

Lots of cheerfull tee shirt slogans (above).

More tasteful tees (above).

A Mohawk and out-of-the-pants boxers.

Fascinating!

Red people.

More red people. This (above) is my favorite picture in the post. I like the combination of the red family with the red vending machines, and the phone and out-sized doorknob are a nice touch.

Where do you buy shirts like this (above)? At Walmart?

I'll restrain myself and not make a tasteless joke about finger-sniffing. Oops! I just did!

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE SICK

2009-10-18T21:25:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid I'm still down with the flu. I'm just too zonked to write a blog. Cold pills help a lot, but when I take them too frequently I get dizzy, so I have to go off them once in a while...like now. Anyway, I thought I'd post some of Don Martin's drawings, the ones where the characters look the way I feel. Nobody draws sickly and gruesome like Don Martin!

Here (above) the character is depressed rather than sick, but the guy sure looks sick. That first drawing where he drinks and claws the bar is genius. Click to enlarge.

Here's how I feel (above) when I'm not on cold pills.

Sick people (above) are self-absorbed and oblivious to the world's problems. That's one benefit of being ill: you're closer to the zen ideal of being in the here and now. It's strangely comforting to put your worries and anxieties aside and see yourself as a shellfish on a beach struggling to survive.

The next time a family member gets sick, I highly recommend cleaning their room for them and giving them fresh, clean sheets and a meal in bed. Do it for them even if they're not quite sick enough to need it. Being pampered when you're under the weather is one of life's great pleasures. If you were hit by a car and had minutes to live, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the images that would flash before your mind was how good it felt to slip between crispy sheets and have a smiling face give you a cup of soup.

MORE ON THE GREAT CARTOONIST MASSACRE OF 1905

2009-10-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with a flu, struggling to put together coherent thoughts and sneezing all over my keyboard...do you mind if I make things easy on myself by revisiting an older subject? I thought I'd return to the subject of early comic strips that failed to find a public. Maybe I'll get closer to the articulation that eluded me last time.

Most of these strips are from 1904-1906. Evidently that era produced a glut of funny cartoonists who learned their craft in the 19th century book and magazine illustration. First-rate cartoonists were a dime a dozen; they were everywhere you looked. It was too good to last, and it didn't.

Within the space of a few years the public taste changed and a cartoon depression settled in. Suddenly books and humor magazines preferred more realistic drawings with funny captions. Some humor publications folded altogether. Tough luck for cartoonists who had families to feed.

A few cartoonists were able to bail out into the newly emerging medium of the newspaper strip but the culling process was brutal. Most illustration-trained cartoonists just couldn't adapt. They couldn't tell a story and create memorable characters. I shudder to think what happened to many of these people.

Here's an artist (above) who would probably have been more at home drawing illustrations for Dr. Dolittle books, but who is forced by necessity to try his hand at comics.

Poor Zim. He was such a funny illustrator, but his newspaper comic pages just didn't take off.

Evidently there was a perception among newspaper editors that Germans had a special feel for the comic strip. That's natural I guess since they pretty much created it. Lots of now forgotten strips had German characters who looked like they just stepped off the boat.

Newspaper cartoonists tried lots of experiments in their quest to tell stories. Here's one (above) that resembles a film clip.

Here's (above) a little-known strip by Opper who, as we all know, did make the transition from illustration to storytelling. No static and repetitive panels for Opper...his whole page has a visual flow that carries the reader along and invites him to take the characters more seriously.

I imagine the great number of unemployed illustrator-cartoonists must have regarded the comics cartoonists with envy and acrimony. Probably the new style of cartooning (above) looked too simplistic to the older guys. "Sure it has flow," I imagine them saying, "but that's all it has. The drawings suck!" Well actually that's true, though there are exceptions. Overly simplified drawing styles eventually killed the comic strip.

Man, that's a depressing note to end on! See what happens when you try to write when you're sick? I've gotta take the curse off that ending...maybe with something on my desk...maybe with...Hmmmm....okay, here, I've got it! I'll just whip this (below) on the scanner...

...how do you like it? My new toupee! I got it a few days ago. It looks like a giant bug and I constantly have to resist the temptation to stomp it. John says it should have come with a conspicuous string to hold it on.

Okay, I'm going to get some cold pills.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT UPSIDE-DOWN HOUSES?

2009-10-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking: that this is a trivial subject for a post. Well, maybe, but it might turn out to be a pretty important one. We'll get to that in a minute.

Believe it or not, upside-down houses aren't that uncommon now. I'll bet every big city has one or two (I claimed more than that originally, but Lester caught my exaggeration). Los Angeles has at least two, and probably has a bunch. I'm guessing that the reason is that lots of people built them thinking they'd be the only ones. Imagine their grief when they discovered that the world was packed with "only ones."

I think I understand why people built these things. Every kid lies on his back and imagines what it would be like if the ceiling was the floor. That may be the main reason kids think they're superior to adults, because they think of things like this and we don't. It's a stretch I admit, but this superior genius fantasy that kids have could've been a contributing factor to the whole youth rebellion in recent times.

The thing to understand is how many kids have had this reversed house fantasy, how many believed it was actually a good idea, and how deeply it effected their development. Lots of kids grew up thinking they were keepers of the flame of imagination. They were all so convinced of the genius of this house idea, that they developed contempt for what they considered dim-witted adults, who were obstacles to it. They reasoned that only a dinosaur-brained adult could fail to see something so obvious!

Actually I think it's kids who are the stupid ones. Imagine the staggering inconvenience of living in a house where all the furniture was on the ceiling, and you had to take an upside-down bath. The whole youth movement was based on a dumb idea. It's funny how things happen like that.

Maybe kids like the idea because they're so short that they don't have to worry about hitting their heads on the ceiling furniture.

Now if somebody ever figures out a way to actually walk on the ceiling.......

But I shouldn't monopolize the conversation. Let's see what Theory Corner commenters think about this stuff:

BEAULAH KRATZ: "I don't know Uncle Eddie...that's really a stretch, even by Theory Corner standards. You should take a rest."

GLADYS PINWHIPPLE: "It's a dumb idea, but I've decided to believe it anyway. I like the thought of little rugrats buggering everything up because of a stupid fantasy."

HALLOWEEN STORY

2009-10-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

PSYCHIATRIST (V.O.): "You're just in time. Have a seat on the couch and tell me about this recurring dream of yours."

DREAMER (V.O.): "Okay...I'll tell you about the one I had last night. It's fairly typical."

DREAMER: "Just like in all the other dreams, I dreamed that I woke up on the floor of my apartment."

DREAMER (V.O.): I got up and took a look around. I can't explain it, but everything was off kilter somehow. And why was it so quiet? I could hear the sound of my own heart beat."

DREAMER (V.O.) : "I went downstairs to ask my landlady about it, but the house was empty."

DREAMER (V.O.): "And the streets, too. Something happened while I was asleep, but what?"

DREAMER (V.O.): "If there was an answer it had to be in the city, but getting there required crossing the bridge. I had to be careful. Giant shark attacks had been all over the news lately."

DREAMER (V.O.): "In the city the public buildings were empty. There were a few people on the street, but not many."

DREAMER (V.O.): "What was that in the sky? It looked like a zepplin, and it was searching for something."

DREAMER: "Like I said, the buildings all seemed to be deserted, but...wait a minute... I thought I saw someone in a house. Good Lord! That man just pushed a woman down the stairs! I shouted, 'Police! Police!' "

DREAMER (V.O.): "Then, at my side..."

STREET KID: "Shhhh!"

DREAMER (V.O.): "Huh?"

DREAMER (V.O.): "Nearby in a plaza a train circled endlessly while a crowd watched. I ran over to tell them about the murder...to get help."

DREAMER (V.O.): "That's when I saw the zepplin again. I think it was following me."

DREAMER (V.O.): I tried to speak to the train watchers but no one was interested. They just stared at me out of the sides of their eyes..."

DREAMER: "Most looked indifferent..."

DREAMER (V.O.): "...but one face in particular was positively malevolent. It seemed to take pleasure in my frustration. I got the feeling that it wished me evil."

DREAMER: (Gasp!)" That's when I saw that thing again! Something in me snapped."

DREAMER: "Who are you!? What do you want with me?"

DREAMER (V.O.): "Why don't you leave me alone!?"

No answer.

DREAMER: "The zepplin made it's way into the distance leaving me stranded on the tower. Night was creeping in. I'd never be able to climb down in the dark, yet to stay up here was impossible."

DREAMER (V.O.): "I saw weird things up there in the heights, things I just never bothered to notice before."

DREAMER: "It was getting cold and windy. I knew I'd never last the night. Then I thought, 'Maybe I could use my jacket to glide down down to the rooftops below.' It was a one in a million chance, but what else could I do? I braced for the jump."

DREAMER (V.O.): "Holding my jacket edges firmly, I leaped into the air, but I'd calculated wrong. The wind blew the jacket off almost instantly. The ground rushed up...it was horrifying!!!"

DREAMER: "That's when I woke up. I always wake up before I hit the ground in these dreams. I don't know how I know, but I have a strong intuition that if I ever did hit the ground that I'd die for real. "

PSYCHIATRIST: "Fascinating! Well, that's enough for today. Next time we'll induce sleep and let you finally hit the ground. I think that'll end the dreams once and for all..."

PSYCHIATRIST: "...yes sir...once and for all!"

"OLD DARK HOUSE"

2009-10-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

Holy Mackerel! The complete version of James Whale's "Old Dark House" is on YouTube! Fragments of this are put up from time to time but are always taken down soon after. This will probably disappear as well, but we have it for a short time, so let's make what we can of it.

I want to focus on the extraordinary acting in two sequences. The first is the one (above and below) where Elspeth Dudgeon (thanks to Jenny for the name correction) plays an old, bed-ridden man who warns the young couple of the danger of staying overnight in the house. Dudgeon's's performance is done in what I imagine is an old, 19th Century acting style, one which is grounded in live theater and an appreciation of classic literature, and not in acting classes. Compare her style to the more modern elocution style of Raymond Massey in the same scene.

The first part of the video is filmed in a static, old-fashioned manner. I recommend fast forwarding past that and starting at the 3:45 mark. Start there and play it to the end. The Dudgeon scene continues on the video below.

Dudgeon's performance ends about two minutes in (above), but watch the whole of this second video, because the action sets up the stunning appearance of Saul in the third video below.

I don't know the name of the actor who plays Saul (above), but he also seems to be grounded in the 19th Century acting style, and what a killer style that is! I love the elocution style of acting that you see in 30s films...I don't mean to criticize it...but for me this earlier style is a pearl of even greater price.

I call it "eccentric acting" because it attempts to build on an actor's unique gifts and vision of the world, and doesn't try to fit him into a cookie cutter mold the way later acting theories do.

I also like the way eccentric actors were informed by literature. Their devotion to the printed page gives them an oratorical style, as much akin to oral interpretation as to acting. Compare Olivier's reading of the St. Crispin's Day speech to Branaugh's. Both are good, but Olivier plays with the words...filters them through his love for the music of the English language and of subtext, and his own complex personality. In this sense, Olivier is what I would call an eccentric actor. Shakespeare wrote for the eccentric acting style and so did Dickens.

Well, there it is. Watch the excerpts as soon as possible because they could be taken down any time...maybe even later today.

"SPACED PATROL!"

2009-10-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

ANNOUNCER: "It's the "SPAAAAAACE PATROOOOOL!"

ESTABLISHING SHOT: EARTH -- OUTSIDE SPACE PATROL HEADQUARTERS -- ON THE SPACESHIP, "GALAXY EAGLE."

COMMANDER (V.O.): "Crew, I'd like you to meet our new recruit, Lt. Buzz Buzzly."

CAPTAIN SAVAGE: "Have a seat, Buzz! You're just in time for an urgent video transmission from the planet "Effluvia!"

EFFLUVIANS (VIDEO TRANSMISSION): "Earthlings! Your ambassador has contracted a rare Effluvian disease that's turned him into a giant."

EFFLUVIANS (CONT) (V.O.): "At first it was okay. He just sat around reading the newspaper."

EFFLUVIANS (CONT) (V.O.): "But then he got bored, and started ripping up houses. Whole towns have been wiped out!"

EFFLUVIAN: "The Counsel has ordered us to shoot him, but if you can get here fast with the antidote, we can cure him instead of killing him. The antidote is chocolate. You can't get that here, so we need you to bring some...fast!"

BUZZ: "Captain! I have all the chocolate you could ever want in my briefcase! I took it with me just in case the ship's food sucks. Er...No offense!"

CAPTAIN SAVAGE: "Good for you, Buzz! Then we'd better be taking off! Um, Buzz...you know how to fly a spaceship, don't you?"

BUZZ: "Fly a spaceship? Me?"

BUZZ: "Haw! Do I know how to fly the spaceship!? Oh, that's a good one! Do I...Oh, you sure know how to tell a joke, Captain!"

BUZZ: "Hmmmmm."

DOCTOR PATRICIA: "Accute G force trauma. The Commander will live, but he's paralyzed below the waist."

CREWMAN: "Look! There's Effluvia, up ahead! Good thing you didn't leave that briefcase Back in your apartment!"

BUZZ: "Yeah, good thing!"

BUZZ: "Huh? Apartment!?"

BUZZ: "Ooooooh, I did a bad thing..."

COMMANDER: "What? No...no...tell me you didn't forget your......"

BUZZ: "Don't worry, Commander Sir! I'll go back and get that doggone briefcase and we'll be up again in five minutes, wait and see!"

BUZZ (HOURS LATER): "#@&%X futuristic cities! I can't find my apartment!"

BUZZ: "There we go, five minutes like I said."

DOCTOR PATRICIA: "G force trauma again. The Commander will survive but he'll be reduced to begging for the rest of his life, in a suit of filthy rags."

CAPTAIN SAVAGE: "Buzz, perhaps you'd like to introduce us to the lovely guest you invited on board."

BUZZ (V.O.): "Oh, that's Sally. I brought her along to guard the chocolate."

BUZZ: "She has disdain for anything fattening, so I figured the chocolates would be safe with her."

SFX -- (LOUD EATING) Crunch! Munch! CRuuuunch! MNCH! Muuunch! Crunch!

SALLY: "Um...er, sorry. I couldn't help myself. The candy looked so good."

BUZZ: "Don't worry Commander, Sir! I have more chocolates in my desk drawer on Earth! I'll grab a box and we'll be in the air again in five minutes, just you wait and see!"

BUZZ (HOURS LATER): "#@&%X!"

BUZZ: "Five minutes, like I said."

DOCTOR PATRICIA: "More G force trauma. The Commander will survive but he'll need to drink and speak through a pin-sized straw for the rest of his wretched life."

EFFLUVIANS (ON THE SHIP'S VIEW SCREEN): "Earthlings! We're very sorry, but we had to shoot your ambassador. He was eating us out of house and home!"

BUZZ: "Gulp! Does this mean no lunch?"

MILDRED PIERCE REVISITED

2009-10-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

NOTE: IF THE SPACE ABOVE IS BLANK, JUST CLICK ON THE EMPTY SPACE.

With all this talk about typography and movies, it might not be out of line to talk about the trailer (above) for "Mildred Pierce," my favorite 40s melodrama. The trailer is a self-contained work of art, but it's also typical of the high-end trailers of the period, and I thought it might be fun to pick it apart and see what makes the previews of that era so appealing.

As we get into it you'll see that rules of film logic that you clung to til now are repeatedly violated, and with good effect. The violations work! No doubt about it, this trailer will have you re-thinking what you thought you knew about film.

BTW, If this analysis looks familiar, that's because it is...I did this before in July, 2007, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I think I can do a much, much better job now. If I miss something please let me know.

Well, it starts with a tumultuous fanfare and a title that reads, "WARNER BROS. invite you to witness the first scene of a motion picture the whole world will TALK ABOUT...." [You expect to see the main title 'Mildred Pierce' here but nope, this is just a teaser. The filmmaker is deliberately stimulating a curiosity that he has no intention of satisfying yet.]

DISSOLVE to gunshots heard in an underlit room at night. BAM! BAM! Cut to a figure falling to the floor as the unseen shooter pumps more bullets into him. With his last, dying breath he says the word..."Mildred."

More quick shots and an announcer says: " 'Mildred'...a name gasped in the night...the one last word of a dying man...but one word that tells a thousand stories of a WOMAN...who left her mark on every man she met." This is the last time we hear the announcer. They only used him for one, long sentense at the start!

[I'll interrupt here to say that I read the novel the film is taken from, and the way Mildred is treated in the trailer is much more sensational and lurid than the way she's treated in the book. In the book she's not a femme fatale, but a hard-working, obsessed mother. But let's not quibble. The trailer sucks you in, that's the important thing.]

PLAYBOY: "Mildred had more to offer in a glance than most women give in a lifetime."

HUSBAND: "Mildred knew what she wanted and wasn't too particular about how she got it."

SLEAZY BOYFRIEND: "Loving her was like shaking hands with the Devil!"

Notice that we haven't heard any Mildred dialogue yet. Come to think of it, we haven't heard any dialogue by any character yet. The three men I just quoted were addressing the camera, just selling the film.

[None of this (above) fits with the tone of the book. I guess the Hollywood wisdom was that a film has to be about somebody interesting, and you relentlessly and single-mindedly sell that person before you do anything else. The plot is totally secondary.]

A TITLE sweeps up from the floor: "It's JOAN Crawford....(new title, building music)...in her most DARINGLY DIFFERENT portrayal...(big, new title and furiously building music)...'MILDRED PIERCE'."

[The music reaches a crescendo, and the trailer seems to want to end here, and it almost does...but wait... the filmmaker hasn't told us about the plot yet. Amazingly, after almost drawing to a close, the film music winds up again and we segway from an exit theme to a sentimental fresh start. This isn't a fluke. I see this technique in trailer after trailer. It violates all the rules, but it works beautifully!!!!!! Go figure!]

Do we get to hear dialogue from the film yet? NO! Instead we see clips of Mildred with different men and a new title sweeps in..."THE INTIMATE AFFAIRS of a WOMAN...(new title)...who refused to live BY THE RULES--

Wow! Can you believe that! Even after the new start, they still wouldn't let us hear Mildred!!!!!! Man, they're witholding her until we're drooling with frustration! Finally, we get some dialogue (it's about time), but the dialogue is interrupted by another title: "She tried TO KISS OFF a crime!"

Huh? Crime? What crime? The shooting was a long time ago, back at the start of the trailer. This kiss-off-a-crime title appears between clips of romantic dialogue. The filmmaker deliberately doesn't sync the titles with what's happening on the screen. Once again, the rules are broken! But it works! Watch the film again and see if you don't agree!

Well, the trailer goes on, and there's lots more I could comment on, but I better end here. So, what have we learned? I learned that selling personality is everything, that an audience will tolerate more postponed satisfaction than I ever dreamed possible, that an audience actually wants to be tortured with denial of climaxes, that it's okay if a story stops and starts up again, that visuals don't have to sync with the dialogue, and that film making is a mischievous game that you play with an audience.

SOME INTERESTING FILM TITLES

2009-10-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Mark Simonson, the artist who designed my "Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner" banner, has hooked me on typography. Here's are some examples of interesting film lettering gleaned from the links on Mark's site. See what you think.

I'll start with a fairly normal title card (above) from the 40s. It's straight-forward, flat poster art (above)...very effective when accompanied by good music.

More exciting were the titles that were laid over action. Usually these occurred at the end of trailers. The titles at the beginning of the film itself were usually more conservative.

I love how dramatic titles (above) often were done in a tiki style, as if they were ripped from canoes on cannibal islands. The incongruity of stark, primitive lettering over modern city backgrounds promised a story filled to the brim with raw emotion.

I assume this title (above) is also from the trailer, and not from the film. The title floating over the crowds and cars seems to convey a point that's not emphasized in the film, i.e., that we're going to see a story about grimy, sweaty, but somehow tragic and heroic urban man. It's a manifesto that declares the filmmaker's belief that modern man is a fit subject for great literature. I love manifestos. A film should convey passion. It should grab you by the collar and try to convince you of something.

I also love it when a film's graphics make points that aren't overtly contained in the script. They're best when they address the subtext rather than the text.

Here's a common Noir technique: The title appears over a city background but is framed by fuzzy black borders. You get the feeling that we're looking out at the world through malevolent, satanic eyes. Or maybe we're pulling down the slat of a blind to look at a scene in Hell.

I said that trailers usually contained better graphics than the film, but there were exceptions. Here's (above) a perfectly fine trailer end title...

...and an even better title graphic that appears at the start of the film. Once again the typography conveys weird, primitive, psychological energy, but it's laid over a classical, Rubenesque color scheme. The card promises thrills, but assures us that we're safe in the hands of a master storyteller.

Here's (above) the end title. In a comment Lester said the constable seems to say "Alright, folks, move along. There's nothing to see here. Nothing to see," and that's exactly right. It's a terrific counterpoint to the high-intensity drama we just witnessed.

I would add that there's something weird about the shot. The graphic seems to say, "The story is over now...you can go home and relax...but impish, malevolent magic is still at work in the world, so don't relax too much. "

BTW: The link to Mark's site and the Annyas screenshots that Mark linked to:

http://www.marksimonson.com/

http://www.annyas.com/screenshots/

CREATIVITY

2009-09-29T17:27:00.001-07:00

Here's (above) David Lynch on the subject of creativity. Frankly I don't think either of the videos I'm posting here offer a good explanation of creativity. I only put them up to show how inadequate the current thinking on the subject is. Both of these men (David lynch and Edward De Bono) are frequently cited on the subject, and each has nothing memorable to say about it...no, wait a minute...strike that...De Bono has one thing useful to say, which I'll expand on here.

BTW: I do believe David Lynch is creative, I just don't think he's very good at articulating how he got that way.

De Bono recommends lateral thinking, which is his way of saying that creativity is enhanced when you think about a problem in way that relates it to something not normally associated with it. That's good advice.

By way of an example, suppose you're trying to think of an original melody for a love song, but you're getting nowhere. Using De Bono's method, you try to relate melody to something outside of romantic music, but still relevant...something like the rhythm of a lover's quarrel or of making love. If that sort of thing doesn't work then De Bono recommends that you try relating melody to something absurd like a chicken or a picket fence. Picket fences have a stacato visual rhythm of steady beats...until you hit a knot hole or hit the gate, which swings in and out, and has cross-beams; a possibly interesting analogy to musical structure. Thinking this way forces you to see your problem in a new light.

That's a good insight, well worth hearing, but it'll only take you so far. You need a knack for finding the good comparisons.

Here's (above) an article I saved from Psychology Today that you might find interesting. The author compared the brain waves of creatives and non-creatives and was surprised to find that the subjects who were most focused and most capable of great concentration were usually the least creative. Here's how he said it in his own words (below):

According to the author, mental focus and creativity are inversely related...If you're good at one, you're probably not good at the other. He had special disdain for Transcendental Meditation and bio-feedback (below).

Wow! That's a pretty big slam!

My own experience is a little different than the author's. What I see is that creativity involves both concentration and a relaxed mental state. Creative people are obsessed. They'll think of a problem dozens of times til something useful happens. Maybe the problem is so thorny that it doesn't resolve even then. In that case the thinker pushes it to the back of his mind where it resides as an ember waiting to flare up in a dream or in a relaxed moment when his conscious mind is busy thinking about something else.

There's more that I'm dying to say, but I'll save it for another post.