ALWAYS ON

Happy Christmas!

2009-12-23T13:40:00.003-06:00

I thought I'd give an update before the end of the year. I can't say I'm back, at least partially because I'm not sure if I will be for sure and because I'm not sure I can say that a single post is "back."

I did want to wish you all a Happy Christmas. We are hosting it at my parents' house this year, and trying to have a proper English feast. With the flair of Scandanavian food that we normally have, since we are, after all, a bunch of Scandinavians in my family. It should be utterly delicious though.

News of the last few months?
1. I have a job now. I like it a great deal so far, and it is temporary, but it is a paying position.

2. HUGE fight with Ingrid. Well...not fight, but we are not exactly speaking. I hurt her feelings by not going on the trip to Florida, because I knew that I would have killed them by the time we got there. Turns out I was correct, as Ingrid and Cha-Cha got into it in Miami and Cha-Cha flew home two days early. Ingrid was horribly selfish on the trip, and almost never drove--and only was awake about half the time in the car while Cha-Cha was driving. Not good at all. Ingrid never told me she was hurt, she just indicated that she trusted my judgment and even told Cha-Cha at one point she thought it was really good that I didn't come because I would have been a nutcase (which I told her I would be...that's not insulting, just fact). Apparently she didn't truly believe that, because she hasn't talked to me since she's been there, except in response to my speaking first. Then she emailed my mom to explain her feelings (very high school), and I responded to explain myself and take as much blame as possible, since I think I did deserve a good portion because I didn't communicate enough, but no response for the last 5 days since I wrote. If she doesn't value our friendship enough to a) see my side and understand it a little too, and b) not be able to get over something that was primariily hurt feelings because I tried to control the situation and didn't go once I couldn't, then I suppose it is for the best. At 25+ I think we should be slightly more able to be grown-ups about the situation and at least agree to disagree on the situation and still be friends.

3. Still speaking to Naughty. I feel a bit bad about it on occasion, because it tends to be a bit of hit-it-and-quit-it since that is usually all I have time for, but I suppose that is okay too. it's very nice having someone on the other side of the screen telling me dirty things again, but that is the only thing I want or need right now anyway. I'm only home about twenty minutes a day that I'm not sleeping or washing up at the moment, so it's tough to do anything more. I feel a bit like a man sometimes, or that stereotypical man who falls asleep after sex because I usually have to get off the computer so soon after an orgasm. :-) It's sort of novel and empowering...although probably only temporarily. My cousin thinks it is greatly amusing, but mostly because she hates Naughty for me still. Which is her prerogative and duty as one of my best friends. :-)

Better run. Have to get things done for Christmas and finish up work too.

Just a warning. I might change up the format of this if I decide that I will for sure keep the blog going. Possibly "start over" with a clear out of some posts (mostly nekkie pics) and do it less as a sex blog, and just as a general blog. An online journal, with of course a bit of a sexual bent, because I'm me.

Happy holidays everyone! No matter what you celebrate (or don't).

Road-trip...?

2009-09-30T20:26:00.002-05:00

I love Ingrid and Cha-Cha, I truly do. And I'm (somewhat) excited to be going on this roadtrip that we start on Friday morning...but I admit to having some reservations. My parents might have something to do with the bit of pessimissm and worry that I'm feeling because they are pointing out all the things that could happen that could serious put a strain on my friendship with Ingrid and Cha-Cha...things that both Ingrid and Cha-Cha tend to do that drive me nutso. Cha-Cha and I tried to talk to Ingrid about our plans--i.e., planning where the hell we are going to STAY! I'm just not one of those people who is going to pick a random hotel whenever I get wherever I am going. Not happening. Plus, I have to fly home, which means I have to actually get a ticket. Ingrid has zero problem getting a ticket the day before. I do not work that way.

Ingrid got pissed that we had to plan this stuff out. She thought that because we had planned the day we were leaving that was good enough. Uhhhhh...no. At least Cha-Cha managed to do a little planning with me, but Ingrid was basically worthless. She also hasn't unpacked her car. At all. It is stuffed full of stuff. She can't shut her trunk. Even her passenger seat is full of crap. This means, she has only tomorrow to organize all of this stuff. The last time she had to do this, she had to postpone her trip home by 5 days. I've given up on helping her, I'm too pissed that she isn't taking this seriously at all. Frankly, I don't think she wants to move. Now she's actually speaking to her ex again. I don't even want to discuss that because it is ridiculous, but she has basically been languishing for four months talking about this guy and how much she is still in love with him. It's a little bit like talking to a domestic abuse victim. She feels the need to defend him at the same time that she is completely hurt and disappointed in him.

I'm ridiculously frustrated by her. She tells me to relax constantly about this trip. It's like she's never freaking met me before. I told Ingrid that we need to leave Friday or I don't go, I've just bought a $100 ticket now, so if we don't leave Friday I've just lost $100. She thinks it is just fine to go whenever and not worry about it. If we had no schedule, if I had to be nowhere and we were just going to sightsee, then whatever. Doesn't matter when we leave, we can just pick up and go and that would be fun. But this is not some four hour trip, or even just a fun girls trip. If we hadn't made plans with people in two different cities for the nights we are on the road then we could have dealt with going whenever, but we have made plans in two different cities for Friday and Saturday night. Ingrid constantly says how much she hates that she is always late to things, but never actually attempts to change it. I'm not entirely sure why she thinks it is so damned offensive that I have the requirement of leaving on time, but apparently she does. She's never given the impression that she CAN leave on time, so why she is surprised I am bugging her about it is beyond me. Cha-Cha at least gets that I need to leave on time, that it is just part of my DNA really, but Ingrid just thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I'm a little concerned that by the end of this I will want to take her head off, and she will want to take mine off frankly. If she doesn't want to leave, that's freaking great! I don't want her to leave, but if she wants to leave and wants me to go with her, then I don't think it is ridiculous to try and compromise to fit everyone's comfort level. We're moving her, but as far as I'm concerned she's being completely self-absorbed and expecting us to say, "How high?" when she says, "Jump." I'm not her bitch!

Ugh. I'm so anxious about this thing, and so annoyed right now that I've barely even been playing with myself. Tonight I am going to get off, just because I won't have a chance again until the 12th of October. Whoa. That's the longest forced abstinence I think I've ever had. Even when I did study abroad, and lived in the same room as four other girls, I managed to get enough alone time to get off. Don't think that will be happening this time around. Damn.

Wish me luck. I know I'm boring on here lately. I do apologize for that. Maybe I'll write some erotica on the road, since I'll be so frustrated. :-)

Friends with an Ex?

2009-09-10T20:37:00.002-05:00

I think I'm in a funk, which is part of the reason I haven't been around. I'm a little depressed about Ingrid leaving (she is heading out in a couple weeks, but is now visiting her parents in the next state until then--then she, I, and Cha-Cha are all going to drive down to Florida together and spend a few days, which will be really fun), and just in a funk in general from having no real job and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I've been rethinking if estate planning is my thing, or if I might want to do International law more. It's certainly a scarier prospect, but I might take the Foreign Service Exam and the Civil Service Exam to keep my options open.

Onto the title of this post--I have talked to Naughty a couple of times, at length, in the past month. He and his ex have ended things officially now, and I can't exactly say I'm surprised. In my experience, getting back with an ex rarely ends well for either one of the parties. Some people can make it happen, but if things end poorly? Or one of them wasn't happy the first time around? It's not going to happen for the long term. In the first case, trust goes completely out the window. In my own case with Naughty, it clearly ended VERY poorly. I was pretty heartbroken for awhile there, and I did hate him, but I got over that. I don't know that if the situation presented itself though I would ever trust him in a relationship again. It isn't because he's a bad guy, because as much as I did question every single thing about our relationship from the time he moved back to help her get back on her feet, I don't think he intentionally led me on and I do think he is a pretty decent guy overall. I think he really did try to not care about her in a romantic way, but I will hardly delude myself and say that he didn't handle the situation pretty damned poorly and that I was fairly foolish in letting things drag out last summer when I should have left him alone at the time. You just don't move to another country (even if that country is home) to take care of a female you used to date if there isn't a fairly serious hope of getting back together.

In the second case (that's "one not being happy the first time around" for those of you who can't follow my rants--which is probably most of you, haha, I know I babble), I just don't think people fundamentally change no matter how much you want them to or try to change them. Or how much they say they will for you. Even the changes that come with growing up and just getting older? No, I think we are fairly set in our ways by about 21. Of course that changes for each person, but I think most people are too comfortable by that point to go changing much.

So, the question is--can you be friends with an ex? I've felt like Naughty and I have had mostly friendly conversations (ok, I admit we did cyber both times we talked, but it was usually right before I had to leave, so it ended up being only a single orgasm--and I happened to be horny! Having someone on the other side is definitely tough not to miss!). Do I know if I want to start up anything regular again with him (regular meaning: talking/cybering, and NOT an actual relationship)? I don't know really yet. I don't easily forget my past with people, so a relationship is not likely at all, because of the trust issue. Friendship or friends with occasional benefits? Maybe. I don't know if HE is ready for that though either. Too easy to mistake friends for more when you're broken up about a break-up.

Only one of my friend's, that I know of, has actually stayed friends with an ex-boyfriend (actually with two exes) within only a year of ending things. Others have needed a whole lot of time before it seemed to be okay for things to be completely friendly without the awkward tension. And the one friend and her exes? The guys are/were, respectively, 1) still in love with her for a long time until he met his current wife, and 2) is STILL in love with her, even though he is married to someone else. She's finally realized this and has mostly had to stop talking to him because his wife is not exactly comfortable with the situation--even though my friend is madly, insanely in love with her hubby and actually hasn't been in love with the ex since a couple months after they broke up.

This doesn't exactly bode well for people who try to be friends after ending things. Do I think I can be friends with Naughty? Maybe. I think it is a hell of a lot easier now when I know my feelings of love for him have diminished to a platonic love. I'm not much of a piner anymore. I think I was in high school--ok, I KNOW I was in high school--but I think I have realized I deserve a hell of a lot better than to pine for someone anymore. Plus, because we never met in person and don't live anywhere near each other so we won't be randomly running into each other, that is helpful in keeping perspective at this point.

He asked me whether or not I feel "obligated" to speak to him when I am online. I must have been a bit short with him when he was on or something. I thought about it for a few seconds, because I wanted to be honest to myself about whether or not I felt obligated, and I don't. If I never wanted to speak to him again, I would have removed him from my friend list or would always be invisible to him, at least. The only thing I felt a little bit weird about in our two talks was that it felt a little too much like I was right there when he and his ex ended things (although we didn't talk until more than a week after), and I didn't want him thinking things would jump back to where we had been now that he'd ended things. As far as I know I made it fairly clear that when he went back to her, he chose her and I was no longer an option (ok, ok, so the cyber sex perhaps muddled things a little in that regard!) and wouldn't be waiting around. It really was my fault in terms of being right there though, since I did mostly initiate the cybering with him that first time. Oops. :-/

I don't regret talking to him. I don't regret cybering with him. And I will undoubtedly talk to him in the future. I like to think that I gave him someone to talk to about his situation, which I can tell he's still pretty upset about and a little embarrassed that he went through the situation in the first place. He still, very obviously, cares about her a lot (probably loves her a lot, although he didn't use that word), even though he's angry. I know what that's like, of course. Is it probably a little fucked up that I'm talking with him about the girl that he dumped me for? Ehhhhhhhhh...yeah probably. But no matter how much I think about it, I can't be angry at him anymore, and even my pride has rebounded to where it was before the whole situation went down. I feel bad he had to learn that the hard way, but I do think it was the best in the long run. As much as I had wanted it to work at the time, I really don't think it would have in the long run. Neither of our parents were happy about the situation, and as much as we would probably both say that we don't care what our parents think--we do, and if he didn't, I probably wouldn't have been with him as long as I was. And the distance? 5000+ miles is no small feat, and it would have been at least 2 years before I could have been there or really anywhere long term. As many times as I offered to come visit him, his enthusiasm never exactly reached the "ecstatic" mark that it should have, which I think is a decent indicator that we weren't where we should have been after that much time and after nearly a year? He should have been ready as I was--and maybe he would have if she hadn't come back on the scene, but we'll never know, and it is good I think. I would have regretted that trip once he left.

I don't know what his thoughts have been on the whole thing really--maybe he's thinking we were going to go back to the way things were, maybe he really just wants a friend. I just think I needed to write this out to myself. Ingrid pretty much hates his guts, as do Laney and Paige, for his past transgressions (as is there duty as friends really--just like I hate their exes, and trust me some of those guys deserve it way more than Naughty), so they are hardly going to encourage friendship with him.

PLEASE weigh in...I know at least some of you will look at both sides, no matter how much you adore me. ;-) Have you been friends with an ex? How do you NOT muddle things for the other person? Other than probably not cybering...cause really, that's muddle central, isn't it? I don't feel as though I'm in trouble of muddling, but one never knows I guess.

Pregnancy on the Brain

2009-08-20T00:39:00.003-05:00

Now, here is a classic example of why a parent may tell their child to stay a virgin until marriage: Kaj and Ingrid.

I love these two, don't get me wrong, they are fabulous to me, they love me unconditionally, but Christ almighty were they dumb recently. They've slept together on-and-off whenever they have both been unattached, for going on two years now. This summer, both have been unattached and so they took up sleeping together for the last two months approximately. Here's the dumb part:

This weekend they didn't use a condom.

You say, "Rae! I am surprised at you! The queen of loving creampie porn thinks not wearing a condom to be a problem?" Hold your gasping and confusion, because Ingrid isn't on birth control. Not only that, they both got "The Feeling" as I have come to call it. Both sort of looked at each other afterwards and said, "Uh...I feel like we literally just made a baby." Strong, weird-ass feeling that conception had literally just occured. My mom had this with both me and my brother--instantaneous knowing that she was pregnant. And she never had it any other time. So, I believe in that stuff.

Ingrid then took Plan B--which I later found out only works in 7 out of 8 women, so that made me a tad nervous--but she still feels weird.

Would this be so bad generally? No. If she were on birth control, I probably wouldn't think too much of it, even though that is how my friend Laney got pregnant. Both had complete and utter stupid moments though during this (no, I wasn't watching or something, Ingrid filled me in immediately)--1) Kaj said he didn't use a condom and "didn't pull out in time,"--am I the only one who was listening in health class? The "pull out" method? Are we still in high school?, 2) Kaj asked, "Women can only get pregnant really a couple days before their period though, right?" Ingrid actually had double-check with me to make sure this was true--which of course it isn't. I told them I'm enrolling them in "Rae's Sexual Health 101" ASAP.

AND YET...it manages to get worse. Ingrid takes Plan B yesterday and then this morning (!) THEY DO IT AGAIN! No condom. Still no freaking birth control. Not even an attempt at the stupid-ass "pull-out" method.

Ingrid is now freaked out, and she doesn't get her period for 3 weeks, so she can't even take a pregnancy test for at minimum a week, plus she's moving in about 12 days. So, you can only imagine her stress level. And mine. I'd end up taking care of the damned thing (this is not much of an exaggeration).

I almost think Kaj is, in his fucked-up way, trying to do something that makes Ingrid stay here instead of moving. It's the dumbest way I've ever heard of...but that's how it goes I guess.

This is killing my own libido too. I was a little weirded out when Laney got pregnant, but she's nearly 2000 miles away from me so I didn't experience that full-out. This? I feel like it is Dolby Surround-Sound and Technicolor blaring at me. I'm getting a stomachache just thinking about it. Over the weekend I was quite horny. Insanely horny in fact (sidenote--Kaj said to me today, "I think it is great that you think about sex as much as I do"--I feel a little screwed up that I found that to be a compliment, but I still got warm and fuzzy because of it), and in SUCH an "anal" mood. I was too lazy to break out the anal beads, but I was doing some finger playing for sure.

Then this hit...and seriously, this is anything shows how NOT ready for children I am. My libido takes a nosedive when I think of my best friend getting pregnant? Yeah, probably a sign for waiting on the children front.

I swear, this week has actually made me glad I am a virgin--in a totally different way than normal. I may actually have to start up praying for this damned situation. Probably without saying "damned" though. :-)

Post-Exam Update

2009-08-09T23:38:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't written anything since the Bar finished up at the end of July. Just quick update, because I haven't quite gotten all of my mental capacities back yet and so I haven't been prepared to come back full force or anything. In fact, the first time I'd gotten off in THREE WEEKS was Saturday. Holy crap. I got off three times, but it had been so long the first time practically hurt it was so good. The other two were just as good too.

The Bar Exam went well, but I don't find out if I actually passed until October, so that's frustrating. Now I'm looking for a full-time job, but until that happens I'm spending as much time with Kaj and Ingrid and Cha-Cha until Ingrid eventually moves to Florida.

I want to do some of the following...

-Commentary on Kaj and his ability to influence my belief in what I need in the right man for me
-Kaj's cute roommate (unfortunately with a girlfriend) and my new crush on him (it's been awhile since I've had a really proper crush, not counting Naughty since that wasn't exactly a crush--PS, it is his birthday tomorrow, so Happy Birthday to him)
-Sex, sex, and more sex of course!

I'll be back soon more regularly, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy some time with friends while it is nice out and feel like I am getting just a little bit of a summer! :-)

Write me (email is on my profile) or comment. Hopefully you're still around! :-)

Checking Out for the Next Three Weeks

2009-07-08T21:26:00.002-05:00

Well, next week starts the "official" study system for my Bar Exam. This means, that I will be limiting (or trying to) my online time and also means that I will be leaving you all until my Bar Exam finally finishes up on the 29th of July. I have a LOT of work to do before then! Trust me, after today's study session I have more than a lot. I have TONS.

Remind me why I went to law school again? Oh yeah, to avoid the real world for three more years. Yikes. It bites ya in the ass when it finally catches up!

I am goint to TRY to find some erotica entries in either my mind, or in old archives of things before the weekend so I can put them up easily over the next three weeks so you don't forget about me completely. :-) We shall see. You may only get one...or five...or none, one never knows what I'll find.

Interesting aside: heard from Naughty again. I just don't have the energy to talk about it at the moment. Wasn't bad though. Not truly. It was easy to fall back into talking with him, which I suppose is understandable since we really were great friends for a year and I told him everything during that time. He said he missed that...amongst other things (use your imagination). I can't think about it though, and it wasn't final or un-final really so I don't know what will happen there. I just have to concentrate completely on my studies for one more month. I can do anything well for a month, right? No...I should say that I can do anything well. Period.

I re-read Illusions by Richard Bach and was re-reminded why it is one of my absolute favorite books. It was seriously a needed read. It's philosophy/theology in a way, and I just feel soothed and calmer for having read it. I might re-read it again this month.

Ok, hopefully you will see some erotica up here (it will be here, and not on the Erotica blog so that we don't all get confused when I forget to link the erotica blog) in the next few weeks. W

Wish me luck!

Dear Master...

2009-06-30T19:54:00.004-05:00

A fun little something that I found going through some old things. Basically, I'm a tad lazy while working on the Bar Exam, so you're just going to get some old stuff that I haven't ever posted. Kind of a fun one. I've been feeling a little dominant lately (trying to be strong for the Bar I think), but this is a bit of a fun change to submission--pretty extreme submission in some parts. Haven't been horny as usual lately, but the stress is hitting me hard this week--officially less than a month until the Big Test. Oy.

Enjoy, you know I hate to leave you all hanging. Just imagine me kneeling, wrists locked behind me, collar on, head bowed in submission, in leather panties, my breasts tight and nipples hard, and explaining what I did for the day. Just a suggestion... :-)

I showered this morning, climbing under the hot stream and letting my own hot stream of piss wash away in the water, imagining you below me and feeling how good it would feel to piss while I squirted all over you. Remembered how sexy it felt that you wanted me to do that during our play this morning. You are so amazing to me Master. *kisses you softly where your chest and neck meet*

I admit, sir, I nearly forgot to not wear panties. I began to take them from my drawer, but remembered before they had even cleared the dresser and I put them back, pulling on a pair of black short and a white tank top, layered with a black tank top. I had to hurry as the interior designer was due to knock on the door in just a few moments. *offers my naked breast to you to suckle*

I met with the designer and then hurried back downstairs to photograph my ass labeled with your mark of "HIS." It wasn't easy, but I marked myself in permanent marker with the word and took a picture. *offers my ass for you to spank, right over the word "HIS"*

I forgot to do one thing though Master. I forgot to spank myself ten times. I'm very sorry sir, I suppose I rushed too quickly through my shower to do it. I will understand if you have to punish me, and I will remember to make myself a list of those things that you ask me to do from now on. No matter how little time I have, I want to please you very badly. If you would like me to take another shower and complete my task I will do that sir. Or I could take my paddle to my backside. I am very sorry again Master.

I'm very wet right now sir. So wet for you right now, just remembering all the things you wanted me to do today. All the things I did...and the one thing I did not do, that I am ashamed to have forgotten. My sex is throbbing for you, wanting you inside of me so much. Needing you inside of me. May I ask you to instruct me when I may swear sir? When I may use dirty words to refer to the things we do to each other? That would excite me. I'm panting just thinking about it. I do not know why it excites me so, but I would like to try that some time if you would be willing.

Happy 2nd Blogiversary!

2009-06-20T14:08:00.003-05:00

Today is by second blogiversary! I didn't realize this until yesterday when I saw that my dear A. Secret had just had her second blogiversary! Happy Blogiversary A. Secret! Thank you so much to my dear, dear readers, who make writing this worth it. Especially, Riff Dog, The Naughty One, Clem, JC (that isn't Jesus Christ), JH, A. Secret as mentioned above, Miss Belle, Shay, Eddie, and probably a few dozen others that I know I'm forgetting, but those are some of the people who have been there since the beginning or close to and stayed with me through it all. Thanks to you all for being such sexy men and women!

I have an erotica entry to put up, just in celebration, but I'm going to post it on here AND on the Erotica blog in celebration of the day. I remember when I started writing, thinking things were going one place, and I really ended up getting even more out of this than I ever thought. I'm still pretty proud of how far I've come in this whole thing, even though I've really fallen off on posting regularly. I'm guessing that is going to continue for awhile, just because of studying for my Bar Exam (which is seriously doing a number on my libido! Either I'm horny as hell all the time or can't even imagine getting off!).

HOWEVER...I do quite like the scene that I've written up--you know how I love discussing and writing about blow jobs, and it is exactly what it is about. For your enjoyment:

I can hear the groans coming from the other room when I walk in the door. It's so silent, the air conditioner off, the noises from the street blocked out by the walls. All I hear is the clock steadily ticking, the soft tick-tock-tick practically keeping time to the occasional moan on the other side of the half-closed bathroom door. I silently remove my shoes and silently shut the door. I silently place my purse on the floor. And just as silently I remove my shirt, because I know that groan. I can practically smell the sex mixed in with the spicy sent of his bodywash eminating from the bathroom. I'm left in only my bright blue bra and jeans. I didn't even wear panties that day, because I'd just shaved myself smooth that morning and wanted the feel of the hard seam of the jeans teasing my clit while I walk.

My bare feet pad across the cool ceramic tiles of the floor until I can see into the steamy bathroom in the crack in the door. He's stroking himself, but it's practically unconsciously. One hand is running a comb through his hair, that's just a little too long because he hasn't had it cut in awhile. The other is stroking his cock, the hardness pushing straight up to rest against his belly whenever he's not touching it. I can see how rigid it is, and I lick my lips in anticipation. My clit is already throbbing. I love watching him cum from his own hand. Sometimes it is almost better than anything, and the voyeuristic bent right now is driving me wild, making me feel like a stranger watching something I shouldn't be, but unable to turn away. He stops stroking, and puts his contacts in. He starts again, and I feel my fingers fumble on the button of my jeans, releasing it and then as silently as I can pulling my zipper down tooth by tooth. One hand strokes while the other dries his chest, then his hair, with his towel. It's like stroking his shaft is just part of his morning ritual. He doesn't even seem to notice, until suddenly his stomach clenches and he seems to shudder with another groan. He watches himself for a moment, as though just realizing what he is doing, but then he continues to ready himself for the rest of the day. After another few minutes he is finished with his routine, and he automatically stops jerking on his glorious, hard cock. I almost whimper in disappointment, and push the door open. I need more.

"Don't stop on my account," I tell him, and he looks up in surprise. Part of me wants to touch him, to wrap him in my arms from behind and take over the job, but right now I need to watch. He gets that devilish look in his eye, and his hand takes the towel and begins rubbing non-existent water from his chest.

"This?" he asks, and I nearly growl. But I can play that game too, and I push my jeans down my legs and kick them off. The towel drops.

"No," I say, and let my fingers wander down my stomach and over the soft smoothness of my pussy, dipping dangerously into my went cunt just for his eyes. His hand returns to his cock then, and he gives in just like that. He knows I love to watch.

His hand moves slowly, up and down his shaft, langorous in his movements and it drives me crazy, so I spread my legs between the door frame and finger my clit, groaning out as much for effect as for actual need. His hand moves faster then, and I see the precum begin to leak from the tip, making my mouth water and my head reel with the desire to lick every inch of his body--starting right at the tip of his cock. I encourage him by playing with myself and his fingers start to move faster, stopping every so often to spread the precum around the tip of his cock and making me shake with need. I want his fingers on me, in me. In every hole in my body until I'm screaming and cumming, but I want his cum so much more.

I stop my fingers, even though I'm so close to cumming, and step across the room. "Not good enough," I whisper, before I'm on my knees, my fingers raking down his back to his ass and pulling his cock into my mouth in one smooth movement. His hips flex and he pushes all the way into my throat. I can practically feel in him my cunt while he's in my mouth, feel him pumping in and out of both holes, and I pull one hand from his ass, where I have him grasped against me as hard and as far as I can get him into my body. I cup his balls, feel them pull tighter to his body, as I pull back finally and let my teeth very lightly scrape along the underside, then letting my tongue flick against that tip just at the back of the head of his cock--letting it press harder, and pushing one finger just barely into his ass...

Then he's cumming and I'm drinking him down. Feeling him cumming in my mouth as well as the phantom feel of him cumming deep in my cunt. The feeling is too much and I start to drown in my own orgasm. I'm screaming and choking around his cum spewing down my throat and his hands are on my head while he groans so loud and I'm fairly sure neighbors in three counties can hear him. I collapse farther on the floor, swallowing all his hot cum, and leaving his cock in my mouth, just where I want it.

He lets his cock sit there in my slutty mouth, and he is half collapsed against the shower door. His cock is going soft, nearly flaccid now, but I look up at him as he looks down, still sucking on his cock like a lollipop and I feel harden.

"Again..." he demands.

Who am I to deny him?

New Erotica Post Today

2009-06-08T19:18:00.002-05:00

There is a new erotica post up today. Something I found among some old documents that I hadn't posted. A little dirty, but we always love those don't we? :-) Hopefully I'll run across some more to post up too!

Fucking the Babysitter...and other fun porn searches

2009-06-01T16:53:00.002-05:00

So, for a couple years a was a bit fan of e-books. I'm still a fan, but I don't buy them as much as I do regular books. I like to have the tangible. But one of the e-books I purchased was "Babysitting for the Baumgarten's" by Selena Kitt. She writes really amazing erotica if you haven't heard of her. I purchased the book after reading an excerpt. You can find the first few chapters here. Seriously...so, so, so hot. Those first few chapters barely do it justice it is so good. I recommend a purchase if you're into that sort of thing.

It is one of my staples for masturbation actually. And that brings me to my own relationship with porn.

See, I'm a pretty visual girl. I get turned on by all my senses, but I really do love the ease of watching porn. In fact, I would be willing to bet that I watch as much porn as any of the guys out there. Seriously. Lately though, I just haven't been able to easily find what I want to watch and haven't really been able to decide what I want to watch anyway. Usually I go through times of really loving one thing--office sex, creampies, glory holes, whatever. But I've been looking at lots of different things because I can't find enough of the amateur stuff that I like. The pro stuff is fine and all, but I really prefer to see actual everyday people fucking or sucking or creaming. Today alone, with two separate instances of getting off, I looked at bareback gay porn, gloryholes, anal, creampie, Daddy Dom (which pretty much only brings up gay porn in the places I'm looking, or pro--which has not been good), and office. Oh, and prostate massage jack offs. Yeah, just a little bit diverse there. I just couldn't find what I really wanted to watch, so I decided that perhaps I should be reading something since I can't find what I'm looking for.

Creampies are my standard usually, in any way I can find them, but since YouPorn went to almost entirely professional (at least that I can find--all my absolute favorites are no longer there and it saddens me! Except the double pussy penetration that is just fabulous on there), I have a tough time finding really good ones. The best part is hearing a guy cumming deep inside a woman's pussy, and seeing the base of his cock right outside of her pussy pulsing hard as he cums...holy crap. Apparently I'm going to have to cum three times (or four) today.

So, I went back to Selena's story today (and nearly panicked cause I couldn't find the password right away for it), and read and read and read. Frankly, I played with myself for nearly fifty minutes before coming because it felt so fabulous imagining each of the scenes with me being in either of the female positions. Made me like the idea of a threesome (and I don't think I'm giving too much away there) all the more. Haha. I'm literally getting wet again thinking of the erotic and amazing scenes that are in that book. Like dripping, and might have to go and cum again even though I just came thirty minutes ago.

Can you tell I'm in a terribly horny mood? Like beyond turned on from nothing at all. I've even been feeling a bit more likely to write some erotica again, as it has been more than six months since I have posted anything in that regard. I won't promise anything, but some things have been mulling around in my mind.

So...okay, talking about it is just turning me on more. I'm going to go get off. :-)

Beat that, Victoria's Secret

2009-05-29T21:24:00.005-05:00

Well, okay. So, Victoria's Secret probably could beat that, but I still think they are hot. And look at that cute little areola, just peeking out to say, "Hi" in the last one. Maybe you'll get actual nipple next time. :-)

As you can see I was in a rather generous (and I don't mean my breasts) mood tonight. I just got a whole bunch of new bras....okay, so I got three, and you see two here, but still. I was so enamored, especially of the red one, that I just decided I had to take pictures of them! And hence the little fashion show of breasts right there. Did you guys even NOTICE the bras?

I actually got pretty turned on by the whole process. I hadn't felt much like taking pictures in a long, long, long time and so suddenly I'm kind of feeling frisky. Randy. Horny. (Insert word here). Pretty sure I'm going to go play with my clit as soon as I'm done writing this. No, you can't have pictures of that. Although, you can always dream that in the near future I'll feel extra frisky and will get a few pictures out to you.

Had a weird day last week...Naughty logged on about an hour after I'd written my blog post last week. Weirdly enough, that was the only time in the last four months that I hadn't called him a swear word, so maybe that says something. Or, I suppose he just wasn't scared of me anymore. Still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. It was a little surreal, mostly because it was just small-talk. We talked about television shows and Barack Obama.

..... *crickets*

Pretty much my reaction too. My curiosity was piqued, because I found the whole thing weird, and just sort of odd timing. My friends of course threw out any number of possibilities as to why he would suddenly come online after four months (or at least be online so that I could see him), some more sinister than others, but I don't even know that I want to think about it at the moment. I think I'm just at the point of, if he contacts me again, he does and I'll just deal with anything as it comes. Isn't that all I can do anyway?

Okay, I'm off to masturbate, because damn it, I'm horny as hell. But that is what happens this time of the month. I don't know why, I just get insanely horny all the time. Plus, the lingerie show turned me on even more accidentally. :-)

Giving up on 2009

2009-05-20T15:51:00.005-05:00

I had a very nice email froma fan of the blog a couple days ago, hoping and asking for more posts from me, and more pictures too. Well, I do like to try and oblige, so here is one that I don't believe I have posted before. It isn't new, but it is a pretty good one:

Just a little spanking one there. You can see the red mark I know from the paddle I have. Ouch!

As far as posts...well, I have many thoughts that have been running through my head about what to post, but none of them have been particularly sexy and I feel like I owe you guys some sexiness. I just haven't been feeling my sexy self. I'm definitely not saying I won't be, but I'm sort of thining of redesigning a little, maybe re-focusing a little on just the day to day. It will be probably awhile before I'm back to regular posting--although that is at least partially due to the fact that now that I've graduated, I've enter my prep course for the Bar Exam! Ewwwww! Everyday this week for 6 hours a day, just in class, and starting next week it will be about everyday about six hours with class and regular study time everyday. Seriously, ew.

Now, what else have I been up to? Well, I have decided that as far as my experiences with the male half of the population 2009 is a wash. yeah, only six months in and I'm quite over the men of my life. Well, my dad, brother, and nephew are still okay, but the rest of them close to me? Yep, total idiots.

We of course have the Naughty debacle (which I think I have even been able to half decide had its benefits, even the breakup part cause he just wasn't the guy for me), but then...my best guy friend managed to disappoint me and really sort of break my heart at graduation. He told me he was coming to my graduation party...and then didn't show up. Now, I don't mind if someone decides not to come to my party, but to say THAT MORNING that you'll be there? And then not only didn't he call to say he couldn't make it, but he didn't call me for two days until after he had asked half a dozen people if I'd been upset. I'm still actually really hurt by it, even though he's apologized a number of times and said he'd make it up to me. I think at this point he thinks he's off the hook since he has talked to me about it.

I'm also about ready to give up on Ingrid too. I refuse to bring up the mess that is still going on with her not-really-boyfriend, who really isn't her boyfriend, but who is still acting up. Something new has happened, but she said she won't tell me for a couple weeks until she gets back from her trip. Fine, as long as it isn't something death-worthy I can't really be bothered. Also, she said something interesting to me that really upset me when we were out one night. She was drunk, and was talking about one of our friens and how he said that there are people who have been "here" (which is low, in life) and then people who have been "way down here" (which represents a low that no one else could even imagine) and that Ingrid has been "way down here." But in between her explaining what the "way down here" was and her saying that he had told her she had been there, she turns to me and says, "And by the way, you haven't been down here," meaning at the lowest level. Now, I do know her shit. I know that she has certainly had some low moments, but frankly I don't talk about much of anything having to do with me. I mean, part of that is cause she can seriously talk and I'm more of a listener, but that she presumed to tell me that I could have never been where she's been? I nearly left her right there I was so offended that she would presume that. I don't feel the need to talk excessively about every low moment of my life, because I just have no real desire to relive my lowest moments and I don't think they are anyone's business--even my best friends. Paige and Laney lived through some of them, so they do know, but I'm pretty quiet about most of my life. Ingrid doesn't even know a quarter of what I felt about the Naughty thing.

I'm just in a bit of a funk really about my friends. The Ingrid thing happened weeks ago and it still really upsets me, and so does the thing with Kaj (that's who didn't show up) even though that was almost two weeks ago now too. Now I'm totally wary of even dealing with Kaj or relying on him for anything at all, and I'm not in nearly as much contact with Ingrid as usual. I'm sort of feeling like going into my hole.

Plus I'm PMSing, so you know it's an extra good week. :-)

I know, not sexy at all, but you're going to have to just deal with the picture for now! :-)

Polyamory and Same-Sex Marriage for Finals!

2009-04-27T20:08:00.002-05:00

So, I figure a final really just has to have rocked when I actually use the argument that the super conservatives who are against gay marriage and think that it is "just one step away from multiple-person marriage and polyamory in the civil system" should actually be SUPPORTING polyamory since they seem to think that marriage is all about making babies...what was the actual reasoning? Well, if you've got two men in a marriage with a woman, or two women in a marriage with a man, there is twice the probability that SOMEONE will be getting pregnant!

Yes. Yes, I actually did use that reasoning on my family law final today. It was a policy question on same-sex marriage that some Dr. Cere said same-sex marriage being accepted means that polygamy acceptance is right around the corner. Whatever, I'm not a lesbian and won't be marrying a woman, and I'm not into sharing, so I won't be marrying two people...but really, I don't think it is the government's business if I want to or not. I always find it so amusing that the conservatives generally think that we should have less and less government interference, but when it comes to abortion and gay marriage suddenly the State's can have all the interest they want in everyone's business.

I also got to argue for gay marriage in a case-law way. He actually had TONS on gay marriage on our Family Law final today. I'm guessing this is because it has so recently been in the news with Iowa (which, I have been so mired in finals that I didn't even know about it until about two days ago).

As for my "hissy fit" from the last post, it was probably a little passive-aggressive, but thanks to the people who wrote in support of me taking as much time as I need and also thanks to those who wrote to apologize for telling me to get over it already. I'm almost there, closer than I was a month ago (really, it's been a month since I wrote!), but still just getting past that little extra push. I think I'm actually over the Naughty part of it for the most part, but I'm not quite back to my self-confidence that I was at before him and during him. That I think is always a much slower process. I mean, my sex drive is just so not up where it normally is!

I haven't checked blogs in F-O-R-E-V-E-R and have been totally neglectful of emails. I do apologize, but stick with me for a few more weeks until both finals and my GRADUATION (!) are out of the way. I know, crazy. The end of about 21 years of education. Okay, so I'll have one more, but still...it's a milestone for sure. My brother and nephew are even coming up. :-) I'm very excited for that.

Hope all is well out there in cyberworld!

xoxo

Annoyance...

2009-03-29T21:23:00.002-05:00

Okay, ya'll know I adore you for reading and putting up with me, but can we cut out the emails telling me to get over Naughty already? I got a few today indicating, "Why are you still hung up on this?"

Um...I am aware that for you, not having to feel the feelings and everything, that maybe this is getting a little old, but hello? It is heartbreak for a reason, broken hearts don't just get a little glue and they are good as new. I am at about the 98% point here, this is amazing, since I was probably at about 68% point before I left. It was a year+ of my life, that's a lot to grieve for. I still grieve for dogs that died years ago! YEARS! I'm just sort of that type of girl, it takes me a bit.

I'll try and minimize the talk, but it might still take me a bit to get to that 2% done. That bruised ego still stands in the way...so no more from ya'll about just-get-over-it-already, and I'll try my best to say no more about it either, and suffer in silence if need be, deal? Great.

Sorry, in a bad mood. Excessive homework does that to me.

Balm to My Soul

2009-03-28T21:40:00.002-05:00

Well, I returned last night from my European vacation. Er...I guess really it was my United Kingdom vacation, since I didn't actually hit continental Europe. Quite literally, Scotland and England are probably my two favorite countries anywhere. I am pretty sure that will never change.

First, the bad...my cousin was pretty much impossible for me to travel with. Now, we aren't particularly close to each other anyway, and I will be the first to admit that I can seriously lack in the tolerance department those people who are maybe a little socially awkward, or at the least I can be a bit impatient when people aren't near my level of awareness of other people and just social norms in general. Maybe social norms isn't the right word. I have very little problem with those people who very deliberately dismiss those oft restrictive social norms in order to be independent and march to their own drummer. Hell, I think most people do that in some ways. I know I do. I definitely don't adhere to the supposed idea that you shouldn't talk about sex, religion, or politics. Politics I am not particularly comfortable with, but sex and religion? Best conversations! What I tend to lack tolerance for are those people who don't even bother to educate themselves about what the social norms are in general and then figure out what they are comfortable with, and what they think is stupid. Instead, they don't bother with being aware of other people, and maybe what THEY are comfortable with at all. They march to their own drummer, but they can't hold a damned beat. I have a number of cousins like that, and I seemed to have decreased my tolerance of over the years. It is mostly for family, which I suppose is normal that we have less patience with family anyway, but I definitely have a huge flaw of tending toward intolerance of social ignorance and what often ends up as total social rudeness.

Basically, it was this. 1) He pays absolutely no attention to anyone around him. He is the most socially unaware person I have ever been in the presence of, and I had to move him myself so people could get around him. 2) He didn't make a single decision. He wouldn't even admit if he was hungry or not. Ever. I am not someone who likes to make every decision, at least not without input from the other parties having to do the things. 3) He was completely rude, and insulting about a number of things--including saying that he thinks people who travel and go to see the sites really just want to impress people by saying they have seen the things. Thanks for the insult there buddy. I am sorry, but there is only one place in the world to see Edinburgh Castle, one place to see the British Museum, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, and all the other sites of London. Why wouldn't I want to see those things? They are magnificent. I love walking around cities and just being there, but I'd also been to Edinburgh and London before, and when you only have 3-4 days in a place, you want to see all that you can. He went to things, but he was completely uninterested in it all. I'd ask him how he liked something, and he would say, "It was okay." That's it? You saw a castle from the 11th century and it was just, "Okay"? He basically just seemed indifferent to everything--I think he might be sort of indifferent to life. I don't even know why he came if he wasn't interested in things. That just seems silly to pay that much to get out of the house.

Enough of that. I was completely frustrated the entire time with him, but luckily that didn't ruin my trip. Scotland was total balm for my soul, hence the title of this post. Scotland, and the Highlands of Scotland in particular are where my heart lies. I go there and I feel whole in so many ways. We went into the Highlands with a tour group the second day we were there and I had to stop from sobbing when we were on our way back. Somehow it just comforts me to be there. Frankly, it was a huge soother regarding my situation with Naughty. Just being there reminded me that I deserve so much better, reminded me of the things that I didn't want to think about. The things that happened that should have made me break up with him long before he broke up with me (i.e., I gave him my phone number, and he never used it, nor did he ever offer to give me his; when we first said "I love you" he basically took it back ten minutes later saying we were going too fast--I halfway think that he only used it because I was for that entire time; I shared real information about myself, which he didn't reciprocate when I asked him to, until months and months later--and not because he said anything like he wasn't ready for that, he always said he would share it, but just never did until I insisted; there are a number of those examples). I didn't want to admit to them, they embarrass me. That I didn't take them seriously enough, when I deserved a hell of a lot better than that. I deleted all of the emails I had from him, all of the conversations I saved, and I believe almost all the pictures and videos. I know all of the videos are gone, and for sure every picture that has his face on it. I can't bring myself to delete any of the videos that are not of him, but mostly because that just seems to be like a waste of porn (and Cary Grant).

Leaving the Highlands I just had a panic attack that I was leaving there. I leave my heart behind every time. My mom even said when I came home that she could see in my eyes how much a part the Highlands is of me. I tear up a little when talking about it, because I adore it so much.

Other than the Highlands, probably one of my favorite times was when I woke up Sunday and went to St. Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh for their 10am service. I think I cried the whole time. That is my absolute favorite church in the whole world (and I saw a whole lot during my study abroad time), and it was such a joy to be there for a service. It just moved me to be in that kirk, listening to their phenomenal choir and singing along (which didn't happen often since, like I said, I was crying the whole time), and it really was one of the best experiences. I also woke up at dawn on Thursday to go to Hampstead Heath and watch the sunrise. Hampstead Heath is this huge parkland in the north of London. I believe it is the biggest parkland in London. I was all alone up there at 5:30am, listening to my iPod. It was absolutely lovely. I wish it had been a little mistier, but it wasn't quite right conditions for that.

I'd missed London, and I was just so glad to be in Scotland. Next time though, I think I have to go by myself. Or at least with someone who is willing to separate for awhile, even for during the days, and then meet again later. Having someone follow me around, or be confused when I suggest that we may end up separated (like at the British Museum--it's gigantic and packed, of course we were going to get separated!), just is not my way of travel. I can't deal with that. There just will be no more traveling with that cousin.

So, that good thing that I thought would happen in Scotland did--I needed that bit of peacefulness that I gained. Needed that worse than I needed the Highland warrior I was hoping to come home with. :-) Next time! And next time I am getting a tattoo in Scotland. I am not of Celtic descent at all (maybe 1/16th or 1/32nd or something), but I have always wanted some Celtic design or some such thing as a tattoo. I finally decided what I wanted, but it was too late in Scotland when I decided on it exactly, so I couldn't get it there this time. Seriously, next time that is it.

It was great overall, just being in those places. Just feeling those wonderful feelings of peace in the Highlands, and sort of finally getting over Naughty. I really do think I finished that part of things. I don't expect him to contact me again, but more than that, I don't really want him to. A small part of me still sort of wants a minor bit of revenge, wants him to come crawling back, but that part is much much smaller than it was. My ego still just needs some soothing, I guess, but mostly that can come from anywhere. Now I'm just a little bruised, not hurt. I can't even say I love him anymore. That was worth the price of admission alone. :-)

Amazing trip. I can't wait for the next one.

Things on my Mind

2009-03-17T14:50:00.002-05:00

I'm slightly more relaxed than I was last week. I turned in my Bar Exam application yesterday, which definitely relieved some pressure from my mind, but I feel a little bit on some precipice. I have that feeling that something is going to happen once I get to the UK. Something good I am hoping, especially since I'm still a little wary of traveling with my non-cultural-sight-seeing cousin. I think it will be good though, that precipice feeling makes me feel like I'm going to fall...but like I'll have something good to catch me, that I'll enjoy the ride down (weird, since I am not a girl who would ever go cliff-diving or bungee-jumping).

I'm a little restless. I shaved myself clean the other day--and I've had wet panties ever since (it has been a bit since I'd shaved), and that's making me horny.

I'm also feeling a little more at peace with the whole Naughty thing. I'm 50/50 about whether I feel like their has been some closure of the whole thing. It was so fast it still seems unreal, but his parting words were also pretty final. Stupid, nonsense, I'm-a-grown-up-and-this-seems-like-such-a-caring-and-sensitive-thing-to-say. It wasn't, it was just cruel that he wished me well after getting worked up about me being mad about the whole thing (yeah, he got snippy at one point--what the hell right did HE have to be snippy?!). I'm just at the point where I realize I need someone who would have fought for me. I mean, he didn't fight at all. I at least tried to fight as best I could, I tried to let it be known what would be the ideal for me, that I wanted him around. I compiled my thoughts, I told him that he would be wrong to do what he did...but that wasn't good enough.

Can ya tell I've been thinking about this enough? I'm boring the crap out of most of you. Hell, I'm boring the crap out of me.

Another thing I have been thinking about is this (watch out this is super depressing and disgusting, humanely): http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29719277/

It's about rape in the Congo, in war-torn countries in Africa, in general really. These are the things that make me shy away from rape fantasies big time. I always think that I have no business entertaining the fantasy (even though, my rape fantasies are admittedly mild) when it is happening so cruelly to others. I think this coincided with the Pope's visit to Cameroon this week, where he said that condoms are not the answer to stopping the spread of AIDS. He drove home Pope John Paul II's idea that abstinence is the best way to prevent the spread.

Can I just say...

WELL, DUHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

This is the stuff I hate about the Catholic Church. That is the most obvious and simple answer to everything about sex. Yes, abstinence is the best way to prevent the spread of disease and extra-marital pregnancy (if that is what you're going for).

Too bad that isn't the real world!!! I don't think all Catholics live in that world (although my Harvard-educated cousin did not realize that oral sex can spread disease until she was 22, and she's Catholic, so clearly something was lacking in sex education), but it seems like the Pope and all his cronies really do. They only spout Catholic doctrine, they don't try and look at the world and see how their morals and ethics can realistically apply to it. Reaching for the ideal is great and everything, but that isn't the best way to create change.

All this is on my mind pre-Spring Break, which I am so ready for. I have to pack and clean my house tonight, and finish breaking in these brand new shoes that I'm bringing with.

And, of course, get off as many times as possible before I leave on Thursday so I am not climbing the shared walls of my hotel room. Oy.

Drowning...

2009-03-10T19:07:00.002-05:00

I am still being about the worst email pal EVER at the moment. Normally I average about 3 days for responses (such a bad habit anyway, I'm supposed to be responding in 24 hours as a lawyer! Yikes!), and I think at the moment I am averaging 8 days. Oy.

I'm totally in drowning mode in school. I think this is the absolute hardest semester I have had in my law school career. Between classes, the ethics exam I had to take last weekend, trying to finish applications for my LLM program options, and trying to finish my Bar Exam application (which of course takes precedence for the next four days until the normal application date arrives), and then dealing with my own personal issues and then my FRIEND'S personal issues...and not to mention getting ready for my Spring Break in 9 days!...I am feeling pretty damned overwhelmed. Clearly, we can all see I have been down to once a week posting on here on the average, and that is just the way it has to be until I get back from Spring Break.

Last night was the first time since February 26th that I've even gotten off! I know, you are all gasping in shock.

The stress, the crap, and school are all making Rae a not-very-sexy-OR-happy-camper.

One of my good friend's is going to the same country that Naughty is in for her Spring Break coming up, and I'm super excited for her, but I'm also reflecting too much on him the last couple of days. I'm trying to listen to songs about relationships being truly and completely over, which at least gives me a few minutes of power, but he's sort of been in the back of my mind. I think I've gotten to the point where I know that even if he did want to try again I couldn't do it. I mean, I am not a never say never girl, but I do have my pride and I think I was a doormat a lot of the time. I was too available whereas he was almost never available, he never put out there that he even wanted to make the move towards more communication beyond just emailing and instant messenger. I don't think he wanted to, now. I'm trying to keep in my head the one thing that I did actually learn from that movie "He's Just Not that Into You," and that's that if a guy actually wanted to be with you, he'd figure out any and everyway to do that. I think I was more convenience than anything, and a huge part of me does think that he was waiting and waiting for his Ex to come back into the picture. I mean, look what he did last summer--moving back home to take care of her. Would he have done that for me? No. I really don't think he would have. It was her, not just being that great of a guy. I don't think he would have done that for just anyone.

Once in awhile I sort of breakdown a little and want to write him, but that is the one thing I won't be doing. He doesn't deserve to hear from me first. Even if he gives a rat's ass if he ever speaks to me again (and I feel more and more that he really doesn't care if he ever speaks to me again), I broke down and wrote him last summer when I said I would give him time to think about it and that he had to be the first to write. I should have never written then. I sort of wonder if he would have written at all if he had to be the first one to write.

I'm borderline ready to just do a full purge--meaning deleting all the saved conversations I have with him, and possibly even going so far as to delete all 153 emails he sent me over the course of the year. The conversations I think will be easier than the emails honestly. I'm not there today though, but it gets closer everyday. I haven't read a single conversation between us since for sure the second week, although I did come across the one that he and I had the last time we spoke...you know, THE conversation of breaking up. I sent it to Ingrid and she berated when I wasn't ready to berate. It was kind of funny (her part), but now I see her comments a little more clearly too. He was already referring to himself and his Ex as a unit (as "we") at that point. That was pretty fucking low on his part.

I still hurt at times, but mostly I am just getting to that point of not wanting to deal with the drama of it. I have had to deal excessively with Ingrid's drama already (god, seriously it just gets worse, I can't even think about her drama on top of mine, but luckily I have stopped asking and that seems to be helping my end of the situation). I just want a really nice man, who has a good sense of humor, loves me utterly and completely, is not to possessive (except to the extent that he only wants me sleeping with HIM), is not jealous (only a tiny, tiny, tiny bit, once in awhile), never cheats on me, never thinks about another woman when he is with me (and only thinks of me when he's away from me), loves my body, my mind, my looks, and my soul (worships them actually), and looks like a Celtic god, with a really big penis (I'm in a mood, leave me alone--I don't even care that much if it is at least 5 inches erect and that he can make me come and is extremely interested in my pleasure, at least not normally--this week though? I want a big, thick one). Really is that too much to ask?

I'm going to the United Kingdom for my Spring Break, by the way. Scotland and London. I don't have a damned clue why I picked somewhere cold, even though I do adore the United Kingdom, since we have a whole bunch of snow and cold going on here at the moment. I'm going with my cousin, which should be interesting since he is interested in pretty much nothing of any historical value. Harrod's Food Court was the only thing he showed any interest in, that and where we would eat every night. I just decided to plan all the hours we won't be eating, and he can play the hours where we are eating. Seriously, I could live off British chips for the entire trip and be more than happy, so he was barking up the wrong tree on that one.

How Many is Too Many?

2009-03-05T19:32:00.002-06:00

First, my apologies to those I haven't written back to in awhile, I've been in a really awful pen-pal mode. I'll get you soon I promise, as soon as my Ethics Exam is done this weekend. :-)

Now...we all know that my dear friend Ingrid and I don't see completely eye-to-eye on her relationship with her kinda-sorta-but-we-can't-call-him-that boyfriend. He's done some other stupid stuff, but he is very, very (VERY) slowly making progress to stop lying about inconsequential stuff. I've removed myself from sort of getting in the middle of things, happily, and I'm just letting them deal with it.

Today though, Ingrid and I were out at lunch (having amazing burgers from this great little hole-in-the-wall) and she sort of randomly said, "How many would be too many for you?" At first I didn't know what she was talking about, but then I figured out she was talking about how many SEX partners would make me uncomfortable, for my mate to have slept with. It's one of her "issues" in terms of dating someone. She likes guys with a smaller number generally, and she just found out that her boyfriend has slept with 23 women. About 20 of those have been in the last 7 years. To me, that doesn't seem like an excessive amount. To her? That is at least 3 too many. She has only been with about 5 guys, including him.

She asked me what my limit on that was, but I'm not sure I have one. I mean, it isn't something that is overly important to me. In fact, I'd probably prefer that he had slept with 100 one-night-stands than that he slept with 10 that were really, really important to him. That was one of her comments, she wants to be "The most special." Now, I don't find the number of women a guy has slept with to be mutually exclusive of me being the number one in his life. My best friend, Paige's, husband had slept with more than 100 (and 99% were one-night-stands) and she had only slept with four, including him. She didn't love it at first so much, and was a little nervous about it for a few days, but mostly that was more "Am I going to be any good in bed if he's slept with that many?" than anything else. Ingrid thinks that her guy having slept with 20+ means he has no respect for the sexual act. She is such a contradiction to me sometimes. She's at least as much of a nympho as I am, and loves sex, but she definitely has some very traditional sensibilities. Her ideal number that her future husband had slept with? Within probably three or four of her. Definitely no more than 10 total. She said she does get that guys are a bit different than girls in that type of thing (which I don't believe is quite as true anymore, but I think it is still somewhat true), but still wants someone who hasn't slept really into the double-digits.

Anyone else think this? I just don't proscribe so much to whether or not my mate has slept with a lot of people, as long as I am the ONLY one he is sleeping with when he finds me. I DO expect to be the most special person he has EVER slept with (now THERE was a problem with Naughty) and for him to never want to sleep with another person again (of course this is for my ultimate husband--I best have my glittery fairy pussy for my husband, that's a romance term for once he meets and falls for me he can't even think seriously about sleeping with another person), but do i think that is at all connected to how many he has slept with before? Nah.

Fill me in. Anyone else want someone who is more experienced, definitely NOT more experienced, less experienced, than they are? I don't want a virgin, I want to be the only virgin going there, so I defintiely want someone at least somewhat more experienced that I am.

Tell me, tell me, tell me. And tell me why! :-)

Ready to Cum

2009-02-25T21:36:00.002-06:00

I haven't cum in...goodness, five days? Certainly since last Friday. I totally blame the fact that I let myself get pulled into the middle of the latest (and I think last) fight of Ingrid and her boyfriend. He lied...again...and then he wrote me on Facebook. I checked with Ingrid that I could message him back, and that led to me basically giving him projects and advice on how to try and stop (because he does understand this is a big deal and that if he were to get her back again he really couldn't fuck up again).

Enough of that, it was a mess and I finally pulled myself out of it today. I am an advice-giver by nature I think, and it was starting to get messy for me. And totally killing me, because he does have lots of good points (LOTS), and because he sort of acts like scolded puppy. I would give her 10% blame, because she is an attacker, and no matter if he tells the truth or not she still holds some sort of grudge about it and keeps hounding about the past lies. Just not good.

Again...ENOUGH. Ok, so I'm getting damned horny though. I really need to get off. My parents have left for the weekend to visit my brother and nephew, and so the house is quiet and all left to me! Which means screaming orgasms! Yes!

A very nice guy has sent me a few really hot stories, so tonight I think it will be me, my fingers, my toys, and stories and porn. And tomorrow...same thing. I'm damned excited to get wet, that nice pulse going in my pussy, creaming in my panties. The latest romance novels I have been reading have been so damned hot I can hardly contain myself. One hero said to his heroine when they were about to have sex (in a little bit of a slightly forced scenario--forced to begin, then turned into very unforced) that ifshe wouldn't put the condom on him he would be more than happy to cum deep inside her, over, and over again and get her heavy with his child, because nothing would make him happier.

Damn near creamed my panties right then. Such an amazing fantasy, just thinking of it...her legs wide open, held open by his hands so that her pussy is revealed beautifully, his cock bobbing delectably in front of her wet cunt. He is poised to take her, ready and rock hard for it, sweating with the effort of restraining himself...

If she had not put the condom on it would have been even more delicious. Him thrusting into her in one deep slide, her back arching and her diamond nipples raking down his chest as he is above her, her pussy contracting around him in near-orgasm and her nails scraping down his back in ecstacy.

Fuck...yeah, I have to cum soon.

Mad Mad Virginity

2009-02-19T20:16:00.003-06:00

I had to laugh the other day, one of the first days that I laughed after the whole Naughty business went down, when The Naughty One asked me if she could ask me a personal question. She and I haven't actually met in person, and frankly I can talk about pretty much any and everything, and yet we are always unfailingly polite in making sure that the other person knows when a doozy of a question is coming. This one wasn't actually that much of a doozy, but it was still nice of her to warn me.

I must have been giving off some crazy or desperate or something vibes, because her question was, "Are you a virgin by choice or just from lack of opportunity?" I seriously did laugh, because when you expect a horribly painful question and get one that you are pretty comfortable with you get that giddy relief. I laughed again a few days ago when I got an email from someone who asked if I was still a virgin since I talked about sex with Naughty so much. He just wanted to clarify that I was talking about cyber-sex and not real sex. He even congratulated me on losing it as a precaution! That was kinda cute, I admit. I wrote him back and said no, my virginity is still intact (even if my sex toys broke my hymen years ago).

Firstly, two years ago I would have said that I am a virgin mostly from lack of opportunity. I still am fairly inexperienced in the dating scene, we all know that I haven't given a blow job, or been eaten out, or really done anything beyond the kissing and minor breast (outside the clothes) groping in the sexual realm (at least not with another person! Heehee). I will admit that I am picky, because I have had a few opportunities that I just didn't take and didn't want to take for any number of reasons.

Now though, I would probably put myself more into the camp of virgin by choice. I was probably more virgin by choice than I recognized back then anyway, but between self-consciousness and general insecurity I felt more like it was lack of opportunity. My blog also helped in this regard, because my self-esteem has increased exponentially in the last year and a half. It's been in a drought for the last month, but it's slowly coming back.

I will give props (and it kills me to do this at the moment) to Naughty, as well as to Phone Sex Guy from last year (remember him? Check out December 2007 archives if you don't), for making me recognize that 1) I'm kind of a traditional girl at heart when it comes to my virginity, not a full on wait-for-marriage-itself type, but I could see myself waiting for engagement, and 2) I value my virginity like a damned Regency heroine!

Now, the last thing might be a little melodramatic, but I do sort of prize my virginity in a way. I'm the last girl I know (or at least that I know well) who still has her virginity, and I don't really see myself losing it anytime soon, because I'm a lot more comfortable waiting for the right guy on that end of things. I thought Naughty was going to be that guy...but we all know how that went (badly, for those of you just tuning in).

I do like feeling desired, and I have had a number of emails that have helped greatly in that regard. Even if they don't know what I look like, and are imagining Heidi Klum instead (which means they clearly haven't been reading this blog very long if they could imagine Heidi Klum--I'm way too short for that *wink*), I still like it.

So, the virginity stays intact, and all the other inexperience along with it, but that's pretty okay with me. I'd rather concentrate on me, and being the best me I can be (cheesiness alert!), than worrying all the time about when I'm going to be losing my virginity. I might value it, but it isn't so important that I'm going to concentrate on it everyday until it's gone. For now, I'll just hone my imagination and imagining all those delightful blow jobs and cum sessions that I will bestow on some lucky fellow. ;-)

Dominatrix Schooling

2009-02-18T10:27:00.002-06:00

I've been obsessively listening to "Crazy" by K-Ci & JoJo (look up the lyrics and you'll figure it out), which admittedly is not a song that inspires dominatrix ideas in my head, but that is exactly what I have been researching for the past two days.

I'll provide this warning/admission: I am no dominatrix. Other than some switch fantasies I actually would put myself more into the submissive category for the most part. However, I am open to just about everything in the world of BDSM (leaving out the more violent, the blood-drawing, and the weaponry paraphilias), and so when my dear friend said she had a new project for me I was quite excited.

The project is literally to teach her/give her some information on going Domme on her boyfriend. This is Ingrid, so she is very uncomfortable talking about sex without some liquor most of the time. She was even sober when she told me about it! Her family is pretty traditional/conservative and while she is very open sexually and willing to do lots and lots of things, she just cannot talk about it. But her boyfriend is into the idea of being Dommed, and she is into the idea too...hell, she just kind of Domme's him naturally. Sounds like he is a bit of a switch, because he wants her to tie him up, but wants to tie her up sometimes too (and does). If you really don't believe someone can be comfortable with sex and not be comfortable talking about it, she just read my most recent Erotica entry (I emailed it to her, not ready for her to actually LOOK at my blog!) and didn't bat an eye about it (including that there was piss play in it), but she just said "pussy" for the first time in her life on Saturday, and had to say she had said "the p-word." Is it weird that pussy is so ingrained into my vocabulary that I thought, "Penis? Why's that a big deal?"

I give myself some kudos for having taken her out of her shell a bit on the talking about sex. I mean, she whispered "Dominatrix" but she did say it in public! Trust me, she would have formerly needed to take me into the bathroom and make sure no one was in there before she would say it.

Now, I know some of my readers are truly into lifestyle BDSM and there are probably one or two Doms and Dommes out there too, and I would ADORE your opinions on how someone who really hasn't played with this could get more into it in a slower way (I don't think she is much for really beating him up--I don't think either of them are there). I'm pretty confident she can get into it, and am trying to find some toys and outfits (he's very into the outfits and that "traditional" Dominatrix look of thigh high boots and black vinyl corsets, and she loves costumes) that she might be comfortable starting with. Frankly, from what I know of her and from what I know of her comfortableness with talking about sex and the generally "vanilla" world that she has lived in for sex up to this point, I think something like sensory deprivation and general sensation play is the way for her and him to go starting out. There will definitely be some bondage in there as well, but I hardly need to teach her how to tie a rope, as they will have some sort of cuffs for sure.

I do apologize to everyone out there that I will probably seem ignorant to about this...and I am for the most part...but I am also big on research. "Safe, sane, consensual," will definitely be a discussion she and I have. I wrote her a little manual on the basics (from my standpoint--and it probably isn't 100% complete) of dirty talk, and even dirty talk from my few experiences Domming Naughty. She found it very helpful, which I'm glad for. I just thought it was best she start off slow in that vein. Luckily, they have already begun discussions about what exactly he is hoping for. She is open to just about anything, except those more violent sides that I discussed above briefly. He doesn't want a collar, or anything around his neck, and she got she impression things like gag-balls would not be good.

Any opinions from anyone? I promise I won't just send her off with whatever information I have, I plan on sending her excessive amounts of literature on the subject over the next few days, and helping her figure out more of what he expects and what she is comfortable with.

Safe, sane, consensual...that's the next discussion for her. Send me thoughts!!! I love them!

Cocksucking Repost

2009-02-15T12:07:00.002-06:00

This is actually a re-post of one of my stories from my Erotica blog (I know, I'm so bad at updating that thing). For some reason I have been feeling love-hate with the idea of sucking a cock lately. I know, I know, you are all thinking, "I think you've been feeling love-hate with a whole LOT of things lately." I have, I am aware of this entirely, but frankly that there is still the love part there is a boon and somewhat of a surprise. I've held onto it, so I'm happy with that for now.

Last night I was looking for porn to get off to, and really wanted to see an awesome video of a woman sucking a man's cock. Amateur for sure, and just watching her enjoying it as much as I feel I would. Doing that to Naughty, and just making him cum even when I couldn't (like when I was at school), always made me so damned wet. I adored describing it so much and knowing how to drag it out, and then just what to do that always seemed to set him off.

I got a whole heck of a lot of comments on this following "story" on Always On Erotica, and it is definitely one of my proudest acheivements in the erotica category, so I think it is due for a repost. Enjoy m'dears...

Sit back. Let me simply admire you in that suit, just home from work. No, don't get up, I like kneeling between your legs, my head resting on your thigh while we discuss our days apart from each other. Those text messages you sent me were...enticing. I nearly ran to the bathroom at work and fingered myself, but instead I sat at my desk, pressing my thighs together to try and assuage the ache between them in the hot, wet folds there. I squirmed and rocked on my chair while I read your texts over and over, telling me all the things you would do to me. They drove me wild and I couldn't wait to get home.

No, don't touch, I just want to unzip your pants and pull them down around your ankles. Already hard, huh? Mmmmm, I love when you whisper that you've been hard for me all day--that you were hard when you wrote those texts. I should have known, you're like my very own animal always ready and willing. Just like me, my pussy is always hot for you, always ready to be filled by your fingers, your tongue, your cock.

Did that hurt? That little bite to your thigh? Good, it was just a tease. I love your thighs, naked beneath my hands while I run them up and down, not quite grazing your cock which I'm mesmerized by as it bobs up and down the slightest bit of precum leaking from the tip. Good, I like that you aren't quite ready.

My fingertips trace up the sides of your cock as I kiss along your thighs, caressing you and tasting you with my tongue. I like not touching your cock right away, not tasting you quite yet. Letting my anticipation build as much as yours does. I can already feel the heat gathering between my thighs, soaking my panties and making my pussy lips slide sensually together. I love the groans you give me when I tell you I've shaved myself bare for you.

I taste your balls first, giving little licks to the sac between your thighs, hanging down low from your cock. That musky taste of them drives me wild, knowing it's your own taste on my tongue. I suck them into my mouth, letting my tongue play more fully and sucking on them ever so lightly. Hold yourself back from grabbing my head, from forcing me down onto you--you know I hate that, I need to take my own time. I need to drive you insane with it.

I cradle your balls in my hand, wet from my saliva, and place soft kisses along your cock, covering each inch of your taut, heated skin. Velvet-encased steel that feels so good on my lips. My tongue flicks out to touch that sweet little spot behind the head of your cock that I know drives you crazy, that I know will make you scream if I give it the proper attention. Finally...I hear you groan that one word when I take just the head of your cock into my mouth and suck sweetly on the tip, letting that hot precum leak onto my tongue. Now you are pressing me down, thrusting up with your cock at the same time, trying to force your cock deeper, but I'll have none of that. Even though it makes my pussy throb to know that I can drive you so wild with need for my mouth that you feel the need for more, faster, I pull your hands away, and push your hips back down, letting the head of your cock pop from my mouth. I scold you with my eyes, but ruin it with a laugh. You smile, slightly annoyed but mostly amused--you love the tease as much as I do. Your head falls back as you beg me for more, and I'm only too happy to oblige.

The head, an inch, another, another, another...soon I have taken in all of your inches, gagging slightly on your cock and pulling back to breathe more easily. I know you like that little gag that you haven't fucked out of me yet, and I don't mind providing it to you, to hear you groan loudly and feel you shiver with desire at the sound of my slight discomfort. I bob my head up and down on your cock slowly, my tongue wrapping around your cock, my hand coming in to stroke the rest of your cock in time to my mouth's ministrations. That tangy, acrid precum is coming out more quickly now, dripping onto my tongue with more regularity. I see your hands gripping the arms of the chair, white-knuckled, and I know you'll cum soon. I adjust one of your legs and straddle it as best I can to relieve some of the ache in my pussy, but I know I won't cum. Not like this. I just want to enjoy it as you cum for me.

I suck the head again, adding a couple extra inches to suck on you, sucking harder until I feel your cock begin to twitch and then I hit that spot with the tip of my tongue--that spot that drives you wild--as I squeeze your balls lightly and taste that hot, sticky cum spurting onto my tongue, hitting the back of my throat it comes out with such force, and drink it down. The sound of you groaning, shouting my name, and the feel of you grabbing my hair to keep my mouth on your cock (as if I would release you now) makes me shake with desire and I squeeze my legs together knowing my time will come.

You release my hair, spent. I lick up the last traces of cum on your cock, and lick my lips of the salty taste of you, sitting back and watching your eyes drift shut, your chest still heaving with exertion.

Then you tackle me, taking me completely by surprise as you throw me to the floor and begin ripping off my pants. "Your turn..."

Boycotting Valentine's Day?

2009-02-14T20:37:00.001-06:00

Valentine's has never really bothered me until this year. I blame this 1) on Naughty, 2) on the fact that all of my friends have Valentine's this year (!), which I swear has never happened before, and 3) on the movie, "He's Just Not that Into You."

We all know why I blame Naughty, and the second one isn't hard to figure out...but it also goes back to number 1 anyway, because I probably wouldn't notice as much if it weren't for Naughty's defection.

For #3, I just saw that movie, and while I think it had some empowerment moments (i.e., you should never be the "rule" for a man and settle, you should be the exception to everything for the right man), it also had these moments of utterly destroying hopefulness. It was a movie that afterwards I thought, "I hate men right now. Hell, I sort of hate women too. I hate dating. It sucks, it's stupid, and men play way more games with a woman than a woman could ever play with a man (and we let them! And expect it!)."

It was a movie that also shows that men have way more power than women. Yes, partially because we let them.

I walked out pissed as all hell at Naughty, and pissed at my friend Ingrid for the shit she pulls on her boyfriend, and pissed at my friend ChaCha for the same thing (she and Ingrid tend to treat their boyfriends kind of shabbily), and pissed at the movie for taking away all of the good things I was still thinking about Naughty. Makes me feel like I was foolish to believe anything he said--at least for probably the last six months of the relationship. There weren't really any mixed signals for the first six months, I knew there was love and delight in me and he cared deeply for me. But the last six months...? Ah, the last six months were a veritable smorgasbord of mixed signals, and I had to make a whole hell of a lot of excuses for him much of the time. Now, I can't say he didn't care for me, because I don't think that just goes away, and I would still say now that he cares for me, but that movie definitely made me think he wasn't into me like I was into him.

I really hate that it made me think that because I am quite a bit of an optimist, and frankly I LIKE being an optimist. I don't think I run into the naive territory, but I definitely err on the side of optimism versus negativity. I spent quite a bit of time in my life being a bit cynical, and wrapping that around myself in many ways as a protection, but I always felt a bit mean and a bit ridiculous being as cynical as I was and I feel like between Naughty and that damned movie I am moving back into the world of cynicism.

It makes my heart hurt to be that cynical. It makes me want to cry most of the time, that that is something that was taken away from me (even if it is temporary--and I have enough optimism left in me to believe it will be). I'm still feeling angry and weepy because of the whole situation...and Valentine's sure as hell doesn't help when their seems to be a bombardment of romantic movies and things all over the place that I never really noticed in years past.

Weepy, cynical, and angry...is it any wonder I'm trying to boycott thoughts of Valentine's this year?

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2009-02-11T05:54:00.001-06:00

Today is my 25th Birthday! Oddly enough, it is also my 225th post. I know, that isn't really odd, but it is 225th, so we're going with it.

Please, no presents, I'm just too old for that (except from my parents and significant others of course--but apparently that will just be the former this year), but I always welcome well wishers! And, I actually have a sort of birthday present for all of YOU (excuse my ego for a minute--just push it out of the way), in the form of V-Month at The S Spot, where I am Cuntblogging Wednesday 34! It's already up too! I just adore Shay over there, I always learn so much from her. :-)

My birthday, as it is wont to do, turned into really a birthday week, rather than a birthDAY. Last Friday I went out to a delicious, fancy schmancy steak dinner with my parents and my two best friends here, Ingrid and Kaj. It was an amazing dinner, as it always is at that steakhouse, and while Ingrid, Kaj, and I tried to get up the effort to go out afterwards, Kaj was the only one who really made it to that. That much good food settling into my stomach just made me want to nap. I made it until midnight (which, granted was about three hours after dinner was done) before I finally had to just go home and sleep. The next day was another big day...

Saturday was my final (sad!) Law Prom for school, and I think it was the most fun I've had at a Law Prom out of the three. It is also the first time I've had enough to drink to get just a little drunk in about two years. I was just at that everything-is-a-little-funnier stage, which felt surprisingly nice. I'm still not much of a drinker, but that bit was pretty nice for the most part. And I looked hot, even though I wore the same dress to Law Prom for all three years (!). Paris Hilton I am not. :-)

As for "other things" and those referring to a certain man formerly in my life, I am doing fairly okay. I haven't read any of his emails again (although I haven't yet been able to erase them entirely--but they are tucked away somewhere else and out of sight), and I am still not staying logged online much at all. Sometimes I can't help logging on, but usually I log right off because there is a certain fear in him logging on and also because I am defintiely still in that anger zone at him. I was REALLY pissed last week after I watched the movie, "P.S., I Love You" (throughout which I sobbed...the entire time). It was a matter of being pissed at him that he didn't love me enough, that he didn't treat me well enough when he ended things, that he made me believe he loved me and could then just give me up completely for someone who didn't want him before. It makes me angry just thinking about it now.

Everything seems to make me think about the situation or reminds me of it at least. It hurts when I think about it still, because 1) I feel foolish, 2) everything between us I still question--I wonder if he didn't really think about me as a booty call and he only loved me as a friend. He had his romantic moments, his really adorable moments of acting like a good boyfriend, but there were a number of times when we (and I can't take myself out of this entirely, because I know I did it too) just cybered and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, I can't even hang onto the anger parts for that long (or at least not the really, really pissed off parts) because I know he did have all the good parts too, even if they weren't all the time, and even if I wanted more, but it still kills me that he didn't love me enough, when I deserved to be loved like crazy--like the be all and end all. Especially since that is what I gave to him. We didn't not talk about the future is the thing that kills me. It wasn't like we never discussed being together, living together, marriage and children (not tons and not in great detail, but I know I wasn't quite there anyway and we knew there was a couple years before that was going to be possible anyway, but we still discussed it as the idea of something that WOULD eventually happen).

Something I think is funny is that even though he was honest with me about things, he still managed to destroy my trust in him. I think so many people think that trust can only be taken away through lies, but going back on one's words--even if there wasn't ever a real lie--it still destroys trust. Ingrid has a problem with her current boyfriend where he lies over small things when he panicks, and even if they aren't big lies they still chip away at her trust for him. She loves him, and she can admit that finally, but she still doesn't trust him entirely to tell her the truth, and it makes her do things that are a little crazy to me.

But I wonder too if she doesn't have it right. She is somewhat manipulative, she plays weird games that I just can't understand, she gives her boyfriend shit over EVERYTHING and never lets him live ANYTHING down. She will bring up every minute lie he has told over and over and over and over. He knows he was the in the wrong and so do I, because he lied about the most idiotic things, but even I sometimes think, "How the hell does he stand it? I would feel like a shrew if I were her." But she also has him at her beck and call. He apologizes constantly, and he does let her know when he is fed up with her crap, but that is also pretty rare. He deserves a lot of it, but I would be ridiculously uncomfortable saying the things she says even if she ends up having him even more in the palm of her hand than ever.

In the same vein, I was listening to talk radio the other day about how to get a man that you want to marry (Cosmo radio) from the Millionaire Matchmaker, and that is to give a man boundaries and to sort of play games without actually playing games. One of the big things is not to have sex too early, and to never be a booty call. Having been booty call to Naughty before we developed past that I sometimes think it was foolish to have continued in that vein after we told each other we had more feelings than that. That was one of the other aspects of the discussion--don't you feel better if you haven't given a man the sex and it ends? I used to say that I was punishing myself as much as Naughty if I were to ever try and withhold any sort of sex, so I never really tried that, but I am sort of rethinking that in some ways.

I'm just in total man-hater mode now, and between my birthday and Valentine's all in the same week, without anyone to celebrate those with, I'm just feel craptastic. This week is quite a bit more unfortunate for me regarding the break-up than it was last week.

I just deserve so much better than this. Even knowing that though, it never really hurts less does it?

Ironically, I had another marriage dream about him last night. The wedding went much better than the last time I dreamt about that, although for some reason we always have issues with dealing with jobs and things once the marriage starts, in the dream. Ingrid would say that's a sign...maybe it is.

I'm just going to enjoy my birthday today (with Almond Cake--one of my favorites! Although all cake is my favorite), and enjoy my night out on Thursday night with my friends. Apps and drinks, and maybe seeing the movie, "He's Just Not that Into You"...I know, I'll prepare myself for another sobfest, but I'll probably be watching "PS, I Love You" again, so I am just preparing for a sobfest the entire weekend.

I think I'll get Valentine's for my friends too. They're the loves of my life at the moment anyway...and my dog, but she'd probably just eat a Valentine card. :-)

Moving Forward...Slowly

2009-02-03T20:30:00.003-06:00

Well, one full week has come and gone following the Naughty debacle (I prefer that to referring to any sort of breaking-up: such an ugly turn of phrase). Am I still a bit down about the whole thing? Yeah, definitely. Yesterday was particularly crap-tastic, since it was one week since, and because it was a Monday--which really just makes all other things worse, frankly.

Funnily enough, last night I also had a dream about Naughty. In the dream, we got married (I have had three or four dreams about that PS--and the weddings themselves are always a little crazy and never go quite perfectly) and were living together after. It was the wedding and then the few days after or something like that. I was definitely happy about the marriage in the dream, although I was annoyed at how things weren't going according to plan (makes sense--I'm a bit of a perfectionist in my normal life too, why not in my dream life?).

I logged on this morning to MSN.com and what is the first thing that catches my eye? "Weird Dream? See what it means!" Turns out that getting married (and being happy about it) in a dream indicates something really good is going to happen soon to you, possibly even a marriage. Dreaming about an ex-lover? It could be 1) they are thinking about you extensively and sending telepathic wavelengths your way, and/or 2) you have unresolved questions about the lover and nothing was completely resolved.

Christ. Really? Ya think? I told Ingrid about it and she said, "Well of COURSE you still have unanswered questions and things that aren't resolved!!! Hell, I have about a hundred questions I want to ask him myself!" I won't lie, I do wish he was longing for me at the moment, but I'm putting a lot more stock in the second one than the first. If for no other reason than my sanity.

So, I'm looking forward to something really good happening soon. :-)

Again, I have to give big dollops of thanks to everyone out there who has been helpful for the last week-plus. The guys who wrote me nice notes about how awesome and sexy I am, and The Naughty One who has been a total rock and was super awesome this weekend looking at different kinds of porn that we are both interested in on XTube from across the state lines (it's a very weird variation on guy fantasies that, I would imagine--of course, I have cyber threesomed with her a few times, so this is pretty normal for us I would guess). And, inadvertently the following two bloggers have helped me get some general perspective, even without knowing they were helping--so thanks to PixiePie (that particular entry--especially the first couple paragraphs--really gave me some good perspective) and David (TNO sent me that link--and it is good not only for me right now, but for life in general I think). Ingrid and my cousin Cake have also been super helpful, because even though I am not willing to hate they know how to hate just enough for me to make me laugh with the shit they come up with. :-)

I didn't think I would ever think this, but frankly the distance between us makes this whole thing just way easier on me. I never have to worry about seeing him as long as I don't give into looking at any pictures of his that I have (and I have yet to do that).

I am still in MEGA-horny mode though. Holy crap. Yesterday is the only day out of the last five where I haven't been just itching to frig myself silly. The Naughty One is partially to blame, because we share some kinks and so we were looking them up on Xtube the other day and I got so completely turned on the whole time! I kept telling her, "Geez! I have got to cum soon!" I wasn't even playing with myself either. I waited until after I got offline and then came my brains out for awhile. So delicious.

Normally it takes a two or three weeks for one of my batteries on my favorite toy (a little pocket rocket that only takes one battery) to go out, depending on how often I am playing with myself, but I seriously destroyed that thing this weekend. I put a new one in on Wednesday I think and it is getting towards dead mode now. You know I love creampie videos...just imagining the guy cumming so deep inside of my pussy and it leaking all out.

*shudder* I have to stop talking about it. I watched them this afternoon too, and it was just delicious. There was this one guy that made videos of him cumming inside of a woman, and he really gets vocal when he cums...and let me tell you, that drives me right over the edge when I hear a really vocal guy getting off. Oh wow. I mean, there is nothing better than hearing a guy cum while seeing him cum. I love seeing the guys cumming inside when their cocks are just far enough out of the woman's pussy that you see his cock pulsing over and over while he cums.

Damn, kills me.