Trollaxor

Playing With Its Wii: Nintendo's 8G Console

2009-06-30T12:20:00.006-04:00

Now that the dust has settled in the Seventh Generation console wars, with the Nintendo Wii emerging the clear winner and the Xbox360 and PlayStation 3 duking it out in the dust behind, game manufacturers are already tapping out prototypes of their next-generation consoles in the race for the Eighth Generation console war.

At stake is billions in licensing and sales revenue, and each company is straining to optimize its next-generation offering to slaughter its competition. And as before, Nintendo is playing it cool and designing a low-footprint system that will zip between its peers' enormous specs and straight to players' hearts.

Having been conservative in its last two console releases and realizing success from multi-segment appeal and diverse game interaction, Nintendo sees no reason to break this formula. So going by it, you can expect a direct follow-up to the Wii, codenamed "Wii2."

The rumors coming from IBM R&D labs is that the new chip Nintendo and IBM are testing is another speed-bump and tweak of the previous PowerPC G3-derived cores, codenamed "Raiden," clock-doubled over its predecessor to 1.4 GHz, and sporting the same AltiVec-like vector instructions, 32k/32k L1 caches, and an enhanced 1MB on-chip L2 cache at 45µm.

The GPU in the next-gen Nintendo system is still relatively undetailed at this point, but it is expected to be an Nvidia Tesla C870-derived core, called "Chōjin," which will be a similar conservative jump ahead of the Wii's Hollywood. Also present in the latest prototypes are 2GB of flash storage, two SDHC slots, and 180 MB of system memory. Of course closer to production the industry will expect USB ports and other bells and whistles as well.

In staying conservative Nintendo is missing something: though Sony and Microsoft overplayed their hand in the seventh generation, with ridiculously gigantic specs developers struggle to use efficiently even today, those developers have gotten used to their big, beefy hardware and started to program lazily, depending on huge numbers to run their bloated code fast.

One example of this is the Halo series. Halo 3 started life as an x86 Xbox game before management realized they had pushed well beyond the limits of the anemic Celeron-derived, cache-hobbled Coppermine core. With the Xbox 360 looming, developers abandoned the Xbox and simply wrote an x86/Xenon translation wrapper instead of rewriting for the Power Architecture and shipped.

In stark contrast, the Wii can play GameCube games without emulation since the chips between the two consoles are relatively identical. Nintendo foregoes the problematic layer that the Playstation series has dealt with in bringing old favorite games forward to its new platforms. But while this works out for the value-minded casual gamer, this tight march of CPUs and other specs makes porting between consoles a serious question, let alone fat, bloated lazy programming.

So while it might have been a lot to wolf down this generation, by the next generation Nintendo, in only doing another paltry upgrade, will be way behind what developers expect to be able to do. In other words, games won't get ported from the PlayStation 4 or Xbox 8G to the Wii2, which has already been happening between the PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and Wii.

Simply put, the upgrade to the Wii's hardware for the Wii2 isn't enough. And it's so tempting to do it anway: IBM is willing to do this measly upgrades because it's cost effective for everyone involved. The development overhead for the Cell and Xenon cost about $65 million and $25 million, respectively, to develop. The cost for creating the Broadway CPU and chipset? Just under US $4 million.

	GameCube	Wii	"Wii2"
CPU	485 MHz	729 MHz	1.4 GHz
GPU	162 MHz	243 MHz	365 MHz
Memory	43 MB	88 MB	180 MB
Storage	∅	½ GB	2 GB

But it wouldn't take all that much more money to push the Wii2's CPU to 2 GHz and bump system memory to a full gigabyte of RAM, nor would it be out of the question to put more than one CPU on the motherboard. The GameCube was about as fast as a Blue & White Power Mac G3 (ca. 1999). In the Wii itself we're talking about a system about as fast as the Digital Audio Power Mac G4 (ca. 2001), and in the Wii2 something about as fast as the FW800 Power Mac G4 (ca. 2003).

Despite specialized hardware that pushes console rendering capabilities beyond the desktop, the core system at the heart of each console at once well behind the latest desktop technology. Another way to look at it is that each Nintendo console generation is worth about a third of a Mac desktop generation!

Though Raiden currently looks like a clock-jumped Broadway, its core microarchitecture could change. Right now it's got three 32-bit fixed-point units, two 64-bit floating point units, and two 128-bit vector units. One possible tweak would be to replace the 32-bit fixed point units with 64-bit units, which would make Raiden the first truly 64-bit PowerPC 603-derived core.

Other possibilities for Raiden include an extra vector unit and a third floating point unit. Each of those changes would make the chip more complex, more power-huingry, and hotter, and more expensive, things Nintendo isn't likely to see as a useful tradeoff.

The GPU is another thing that can, and should, change significantly. Since Nintendo and Nvidia are working with the Tesla platform, which is really a general-purpose coprocessor and not just for graphics, Nintendo should exploit this power. If early benchmarks are true, Tesla can manhandle graphics, sounds, and physics without breaking a sweat, leaving Raiden to handle game AI and mundane data routing and system clerical duties.

Further rumors of plug-in coprocessor units that come with games, the adoption of QNX for the Wii2's operating system, and distribution of games on high-speed flash cards have yet to be substantiated, but show that Nintendo isn't covering its eyes to possibilities. Let's just hope that the Wii2 as it stands now is just a placeholder and Nintendo is just as seriously considering pumping its ascetic specs up.

At this early stage, one thing remains clear: while Nintendo doesn't have to overdo things to keep its edge, it should think about shifting up another gear or two to close the gap in what developers, who are really the lifegivers of any platform, are expecting in the Eighth Generation.

Apple Will Never Replace Darwin With Linux

2009-06-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

Every few months, the Mac web is bombarded with open pleas to Apple, asking—nay, demanding—that Apple swap out the Mach-based kernel that Mac OS X runs on, XNU/Darwin, with Linux. This, of course, ends in with Apple stoically continuing development of XNU/Darwin while fanboys dry their eyes and limp home after their flamewars. The cycle then repeats itself again a few months later like clockwork. The truth of the matter, however, is that Apple will never replace XNU/Darwin with Linux.

Tearing XNU/Darwin out from OS X and replacing it with Linux would be winding the clock back almost twenty-five years. Mach, which comprises a large percentage of XNU/Darwin's XNU kernel, was a microkernel research project developed at Carnegie-Mellon University in the Eighties, overseen by Avie Tevanian, who usually worked on it while playing Depeche Mode and Tears For Fears and ushered it through various revisions at NeXT and, ultimately, Apple.

This continuity of development has given Apple a tight integration between the kernel, libraries, utilities, and higher-level frameworks. Linux would throw that synergy right out the window, making Apple dependent on an entirely unregulated development team, and forcing Apple to play catch-up with their specific needs after every major upgrade to Linux. Apple would have to hire Linus Torvalds in order to recreate the creator/creation dynamic they have now. And as Linus has stated several times, he'll never go work for a company doing Linux.

Perhaps one reason Linux users bleat so unceasingly for Apple to switch kernels stems from a pre-NeXT project the company ran called MkLinux. MkLinux was a version of Mach running Linux as a process. The project was sponsored by both Apple and OSF/1 and ran on Apple's first generation Power Macs and some early second-generation Power Macs. Performance was about 20% less than a native Linux would have been, but that wasn't the point; Apple was looking at different ways to create a modern operating system in the dark times of Copland before NeXT was even a gleam in their eyes.

After Apple's operating system woes came to a head in 1997, MkLinux was all but forgotten by everyone except the long-time Apple engineers tasked with updating OPENSTEP alongside their NeXT counterparts. It was a non-starter, but it was the first taste of Linux anywhere near a Mac; it would be years later that Linux/PPC or the swatch of PowerPC versions of more popular distributions like Debian, Fedora, SUSE, and YellowDog came to Apple motherboards.

"But wait!" whine the Linux zealots, "Apple uses the BSD kernel in Mac OS X, and that's not under their control!" And so it is not. But the portions of the FreeBSD kernel are only used to fill out Mach, and as such does not constitute a significant portion of the kernel. In fact, Apple's use of BSD code is so minute that it amounts to being a charity project that allows Apple a way of keeping FreeBSD solvent. So Apple is simply not using the FreeBSD kernel, and asking to replace XNU with the Linux kernel is therefore asking something disproportionate to reality and wrong. It completely misses the point, just like Linux itself.

Alongside calls of kernel replacement, Linux zealots often ask for Apple to use the GNU userland. In the beginning of Mac OS X's life, Apple used utilities from FreeBSD, NetBSD and OpenBSD instead of Linux, which was a smart move. For one, with BSD, Apple can take what they want, modify it, and ship without worrying about anything else. That's the glory of the BSD license. It's hands-off and lets you use the code as you see fit unrestrained.

In contrast, the GPL is viral in nature and ties the hands of the developers to a process that dictates distribution of source code with the binaries. You know how Snow Leopard is going to weigh five gigs instead of Leopard's eleven? We'd be talking dozens of gigabytes today if Apple used GNU. Proponents of the GPL may argue that the GPL ensures a flow of new code back into the community, but it's really just a burden to the developer.

Another reason Apple favored BSD over Linux was standardization. Most commercial Unices are genetically related to BSD in some way. For instance, Sun's Unix, Solaris, is a hybrid of System 5 Release 4 and BSD, while IBM's Unix, AIX, is based firmly on BSD4. The same goes for Hewlett-Packard's HP-UX and Tru64 UNIX, SGI's IRIX, and SCO Group's SCO OpenServer and SCO UnixWare. These Unices represent over 97% of the current Unix market, which shows that the BSD family is stronger and more established than SVR4 or the myriad of incompatible Linux distribution offerings.

BSD command utilities, while not universal, are more ubiquitous than the GNU command set, which Linux uses. And while some GNU utilities offer BSD compatibility, it's really a crapshoot whether they'll even compile. By using BSD commands, Apple made sure that a Unix pro could sit down and get to work with their command line. Even though Linux has grown somewhat in popularity, the choice for familiarity and compatibility is still clear. For those who want Linux command tools under OS X, porting isn't a problem thanks to Mac OS X's strong POSIX support.

Apple to this day remains with XNU/Darwin after six (and coming up on seven) major releases of Mac OS X. and are unlikely to switch any time soon. At most, a move to the GNU userland would be feasible, but since that's already available for OS X and BSD, Apple doesn't want mired in the GPL, that's unlikely too. So for the time being, it would be easier on all of us if the Linux-for-Mac OS X camp just quieted down and realized that Mach is what works best for Mac OS X because it offers so much more than Linux.

Eric & Emad: Iranian Hackers & Cyber-Buddies

2009-06-22T15:54:00.022-04:00

Since the 2009 Iranian election protests, Eric S. Raymond, self-appointed public face of the hacker movement and alleged core developer of the Linux kernel, had been running wild thinking about wishing for Middle East problems spilling over into the Americas.

His long-standing suspicion of Islam, coupled with a throbbing curiosity about a people who wiped excrement from their backsides with their bare hands, had Eric in disarray. One minute he was conspiring with Iranian hackers in IRC, the next he was bolted to Fox News, foaming at the mouth and shouting at the television.

Alongside all of this were his trusty companions, a never-ending bottle of Jägermeister and his Glock.

Eric was just posting another rant to his blog when his 386 started swapping like a man at a computer auction; Felchmale was loading a new message.

From: emad.elharaty@gmail.com
To: esr@catb.org
Date: JUN 20 2009 16:27
Subject: IRANIAN HACKER COMMUNIQUÉ
Eric,
It's Emad.
I know we haven't spoken since that whole Michael incident, but I think we should put our heads together about these Iranian hackers.
Meet me at the Carney's Point Flying J at 10 PM. Get shower stall 16 and wait for me. I'll be wearing a Slashdot t-shirt and drinking Bawls.
Don't be late. The future of Iranian hackers depends on it. So does the security of America too I guess, and gun ownership or something.
Emad

Eric smiled, lurid and yellow, and checked his X11 clock. Just after 4:30. He had several hours before he was to meet Emad. He took a shot of Jäger to celebrate and logged back into the Iranian hacker IRC channel. He shoved his glock down the front of his jeans, poured another shot of Jäger, and logged into the Iranian IRC server.

◇ ◇ ◇

Eric's glow-in-the-dark Casio calculator watch luminesced 9:59 PM at him in the darkened shower stall. He was at the Flyin' J's Travel Plaza near Penns Grove, New Jersey, and had just finished a Double Whopper with cheese and a king-sized order of onion rings. His cola sat nearby, untouched, since he'd spirited a fresh bottle of Jägermeister in with him by means of his Hackers bookbag. He was lucky to have found the rare tie-in merchandise on eBay and jumped at it; now the leader of hackers everywhere had an official bookbag.

Into his fourth shot of the night, Eric relished the ice-cold herbal liqueur. Emad was several minutes late, and Eric had taken the chance to make a particularly loud bowel movement and was now courtesy flushing for the third time in as many minutes. He downed his fifth shot of Jägermeister, whipped his sweatpants up to his belly, replaced his Glock in the waistband, and began some hacker stretches and exercises when he heard a knock at the door.

"Yes, can I help you?" Eric shouted through the thick steel door. "This shower is occupied."

"Just like Iran is occupied by the Great Satan of American interventionist politics?" came the reply from the other side.

Eric fumbled with the lock and opened the door with a scrape.

"Emad! As the leader of hackers around the world, I'd like to welcome you to my makeshift office!" Eric said, bowing. "We shall liberate our Iranian brothers this night!"

Emad looked around at the fastfood garbage, the bottle of Jäger cocked in the urinal full of ice, and a tan, tank-like Toshiba laptop sitting propped on the sink. It smelled like feces slathered in Burger King onion ring sauce. A fly buzzed somewhere in the shower stall.

"Hello, Eric," Emad said, finally locking eyes as best he could with the leader of hackerdom before him. "Before we begin this, you must explain something to me."

"Uh, what's that, Emad? I thought we had this all planned out."

"Sure, sure," Emad said. "But I was thinking on the way here, and something didn't make sense."

"Well what is it, Emad?" Eric asked, anxious to get on with the night.

"How is it that you characterize Iran as a barbaric region in need of monitoring by the United States, then come to the aid of the people oppressed by American interventionist politics?" Emad said. "This election fraud can be traced in a direct line back to American installation of the Shah during Operation Ajax and the subsequent rejection of a Western presence in Iranian politics."

"How do I…" Eric said, not quite following. "How do I what?"

"The threat that these hackers have united against in Iran," Emad said, color rushing to his face, "Is directly because of American political intervention in the country."

"Yeah? So?" Eric said, still trying to piece Emad's point together.

"American intervention you call for."

"Yeah…?"

"But you wish to support these hackers."

"Well of course I do!" Eric said. "I'm the leader of hackers all over the world! Of course I must come to their aid!"

"But they're united against something that policies you yourself prescribe have caused!"

Eric was lost again. He felt like he was almost getting it, like the Unicode fonts were almost installed and the little blank boxes would soon be replaced by actual text. But he just wasn't there.

"So your point," Eric said, working things out as he spoke, "Is that Iranian hackers are attacking their government instead of coding Linux, and you want less of the former and more of the latter."

"Uh, maybe there was a time for that. But now they're against governmental corruption that has been allowed to occur due in large part to American interventionist policies in Iran."

"Yes? And?"

"You support those policies!"

"Of course I do! Islam is a barbaric excuse for a religion! We ought to nuke those fuckers back into the Stone Age!"

Emad was more than agitated now. Not only did Eric think he had everything figured out, but he thought he had the right to tell others how to think and act. And it was clear Eric, behind a thick mental fog, had no idea which end was up, let alone what the Hell was going on in Iran.

"Look, you don't see that 'nuking them back into the Stone Age' is what put the current regime in power, the regime that Iranian hackers have united against?" Emad asked, hammering his point home. "And you don't see helping people against policies you support is somehow antithetical?"

Eric's halfie had long since faded into flaccidity and he wished he had worn underwear. His sweatpants seemed so cold. The romantic ambience of the private truckstop restroom was all but gone and he wanted this irritating conversation to be over with.

"Look, Emad, I don't know what you think you're getting at, but let me tell you this. Iranian hackers need my help, and after it's all over they can go back to hacking Linux or one another's butts or whatever to their hearts' content. In the meantime, I must back them to the hilt." Eric drew himself up to his full 5'8" and reached for the Glock in his waistband. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Emad refused to be intimidated. "Yes, I have a problem with someone who talks out of both sides of their mouth without an understanding of anything they say at all!"

"Well then. Maybe the time for talking is over," Eric said, replacing his Glock. "Would you like a drink?" He motioned to the bottle of Jägermeister chilling in the urinal.

"I guess. There's no point in trying to talk about this logically, is there? This is so depressing."

Eric poured Emad a shot of Jägermeister with a flourish, one for himself, and paused for a toast.

"The plight of the hacker is often depressing, something I know all the more as leader of hackers the world over," Eric said, looking wistfully into his glass. He swirled his Jäger thoughtfully.

"But as the leader of all hackers, I am armed and ready to defend hacker rights with deadly force if necessary—day or night, here or abroad. Salud!" Eric threw his head back and closed his eyes as the icy herbal liqueur froze down his throat. "Ahhh!"

Emad sipped his Jäger, never taking his eyes off of Eric. He had an idea.

"Hey Eric. Are you into being tied up at all?"

"Not usually, no," Eric said as he poured himself another. "I like to be the one in charge."

Thinking fast, Emad countered. "What if we were to, ah, roleplay a little bit?"

Eric's interest was piqued. "Oh? I consider myself a skilled and veteran player suitable for major and even leading roles, and I have a reasonably well-stocked costume closet, including everything from an impressive wizard's outfit to a pair of bear-claw mittens—which I happen to have brought with me!"

"Um, cool! How would you like to play the leader of a group of underground hackers who's been captured by the evil Iranian mullahs and faces torture to betray his hacker buddies?"

Eric was transfixed. Emad sure knew how to make things real hot, real quick.

"My character's name will be Eric the Hacker!" Eric said, positioning himself on the toilet. "You be the evil mullah."

"Sounds good, Eric. Do you have any rope in your bag?"

Eric reached for his gym bag and produced a coil of cheap yellow nylon rope. "Here you go! Don't worry, my skin is callused from spending days in the woods in character. You can tighten it as you see fit. This isn't women's LARP!"

"No, it certainly isn't," Emad said to himself as he began straightening the rope. "No it is not."

"Hey, do you know any Persian?" Eric asked. "I think it would add a nice layer of realism if you shouted your demands at me in Persian as you torture me."

"Sure, anything you want, گوز دماغ."

◇ ◇ ◇

THUD THUD THUD

Eric woke with a spasm. The lights were out and the pounding sounded like echoes in a cave. Eric started up to get the door, but found himself tightly bound.

"What the–" he started before remembering. Emad and he had LARPed last night. A leader of an underground group of hackers and an evil Persian mullah… Tortured, bound with rope and injected… with Jägermeister, and… waterboarded with urine. At least three times.

THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD

"Goddammit, hold on a second!" Eric shouted. He had no sense of time, only a rush of nausea and a splitting headache that told him that it had been hours since he'd had any Jäger. And where was Emad?

As his senses slowly returned to him, Eric realized that, along with being tied tightly to the toilet, he was buck naked.

THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD

"Sir, your time limit expired hours ago. You can't stay in our restrooms overnight!" a voice outside the door shouted.

Eric heard keys jangle.

"Wait a minute! I'm getting my things together!" Eric shouted back, trying to buy time. He was struggling hard and naked to untie himself from the toilet.

THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD

"My name is Eric the Hacker, and I'm the leader of an underground group of freedom fighters…"

AmigaOS: Dragging Ass into the 21st Century

2009-06-20T21:59:00.001-04:00

Fourteen years before Apple released iMovie, Amiga offered video editing for the masses. But no matter how vociferously studios and hobbyists swore by their favored platform, Amiga failed, hard, almost overnight.

Today, the Amiga community is a church of zealots praying desperately to its dead dead saints of outdated hardware and a primitive operating system using two-dozen year old technology. So what went wrong? What caused Amiga to go from the top of the computing heap to the bargain basement practically overnight?

The answer to that is long, complicated, and slow, just like the course of the Amiga's operating system, which is exactly at the heart of the issue.

Strength from Humble Origins

Between 1995 and 2008 no less than three versions of the AmigaOS existed, each produced by different camps within the Amiga world. After being divested from the defunct Commodore, AmigaOS stagnated while the Amiga IP was passed around like a boy in a prison for the criminally insane. Escom, Gateway, Lotus, and Power Computing all took their turns with the dossier, letting the OS languish to the point that projects like AROS and MorphOS sprung up to take its place.

AmigaOS, as it was originally conceived, was quick and dirty. Kickstart, the low-level part of the system stored in ROM, included the GUI and Workbench, the actual operating system as one might understand it today, was almost an afterthought. As it evolved, however, AmigaOS developers made some mature decisions about where to go with things like memory pages, multitasking, and multiscreens so that Workbench became an integral part of the Amiga experience and, compared to other operating systems of the day, was years ahead of the standard.

One of the key strengths of the Amiga, one that any old-timer will tear up when recollecting, was the tight integration the Amiga had between its hardware and software. The Kickstart was just one example, but AmigaOS could run any processing on any of its system chips. So you had the operating system and several tasks keeping the CPU busy, your FPU was chugging away on a Video Toaster project, and you still had some more work to do. AmigaOS could allocate the sound chips to do your bidding since it had drivers hardwired into the ROM.

Hunker in the Bunker

After the Video Game Crash of '83, in which control of Amiga passed from Atari to Commodore, money for video game systems disappeared from company portfolios. The Amiga was seen as a gaming system by Commodore, who secretly feared the threat that the horsepower of the Amiga presented to their antique Commodore 64. The AmigaOS development team was moved to a locker room next door to the Commodore offices and told to get comfortable; money was funneled in secret by sympathetic board members or private donation.

After almost a decade of this, in which AmigaOS was left behind Mac, Windows, and Unix, Commodore finally screwed itself into insolvency and Amiga intellectual property was sold. AmigaOS 3.1 would be the last release for years.

Stagnation & Impatience

In the absence of any real Amiga leadership, and as the Amiga intellectual property was passed from one holding company to another, several groups of Amiga enthusiasts, developers, and ex-employees mobilized in order to update the existing system and take advantage of new hardware.

AROS, AtheOS, and MorphOS were hobbyist outfits designed to reverse-engineer the AmigaOS. AROS wrapped the Amiga apps in wrappers in order to get them to run on PowerPC hardware while AtheOS used ancient Commodore POKE commands to reverse engineer the APIs. MorphOS used stolen source code supplied by a disgruntled ex-Amiga software engineer. Each had differences from the other that prevented them from supporting each other.

After the dust settled from all this community grousing, AmigaOS 3.5 was released. It trumped, for the time being, the efforts of the hobbyist systems but still lagged seriously behind other mainstream operating systems. Amiga conceded that another operating system upgrade was needed to unify the Amiga software market.

By this time, Gateway, Inc. owned Amiga intellectual property and began setting up a new company for it. AROS, AtheOS, and MorphOS were joined by the thinkalike BeOS which borrowed many of AmigaOS's ideas and ideals and was programmed by several ex-Amiga developers and ran fast on PowerPC Mac hardware. (Noticing a pattern here?)

With this intense, fertile period of operating system diversification Gateway wanted to reassert its legal rights to Amiga software and wanted to do so with a two-pronged appraoch: it began working on AmigaOS 3.5, which was basically a rehashing of some one-off third-party updates for AmigaOS 3.1 and a paltry GUI repaint, and also contracted with QNX Software Systems, with which they hoped to make a new, legacy-free platform called AmigaOS 4.

Staggering Forward

The late Nineties were a period of tense waiting for Amigans: the Gateway QNX effort was slow in coming and short in features and, just as AmigaOS 3.5 was released, 3.9 was promised in order to placate cries of broken promises, bugs, and fraud.

Just at this time, however, Gateway divested its Amiga IP to Escom, who immediately spun Amiga off using capital from Larry Ellison, Oracle Corporation's billionaire CEO. Rumors of AmigaOS (whichever one) serving as a platform for network computers running Oracle ran rampant.

After further rounds of rumors and missed deadlines, QNX failed the Amiga and Amiga was left scrambling, and the fact that Amiga had never reached out to AROS, MorphOS, or BeOS, among others, was a point of controversy from within the Amiga community.

By 2000, after all this mess, AmigaOS 3.9 went live, running on classic Amigas, Amigas upgraded with PowerPC add-in cards, and several of the new, off-brand PowerPC Amiga systems, largely covering the territory that AROS and MorphOS had overtaken in the last several years. With this last move, Amiga, Inc. was solidly on its own feet and making deals for a new hardware platform and outlining its aggressive new AmigaOS 4 platform.

Lawsuits flew and AROS and MorphOS developers scrambled. AROS is a 90% reimplementation of AmigaOS 3.1, though entirely dependent on an Amiga emulator to run any legacy software. MorphOS is now available for free, sans support, for several legacy Amiga systems with PowerPC cards, and for the handful of supported PowerPC Open Platform-based systems still running in damp, dark European basements.

Through the Noughts

By 2006, the official release of AmigaOS 4 was a nonevent since the prerelease had been available, and stable, for the last several years. The developers at Hyperion, the firm contracted by Amiga, Inc., had done the impossible and built a next-generation foundation for the Amiga out of its own deficient underpinnings. Over the course of six years they had publicly brought the Amiga platform forward.

The other surprise was the lawsuit filed by Amiga, Inc. against Hyperion, demanding they cease and decist developing or marketing AmigaOS. Hyperion was actually a collection of spurned Amiga developers from the previous two decades and reflected the Amiga's braintrust; Amiga, Inc. was just the latest in a series of corporate reanimations that, by this late date, had little to do with the Amiga beyond owning its intellectual property.

Because of this cultural difference, and the fact that European courts are too busy with genocides to listen to feuds over dead operating systems, Hyperion has ignored Amiga's requests and has even gone on to release a significant update, AmigaOS 4.1. Rumors during the Summer of 2009 include another update, AmigaOS 4.2, and a port to 64-bit Intel by the end of the decade, dubbed AmigaOS 5.

The Greater Picture

The greater picture is what Amiga and all of its owners have lost sight of: for Amiga to thrive as a platform, clever finagling of intellectual property rights must be negotiated and capitalized on, not shuffled back and forth every 18 months to the tune of this cash injection or that stock option. Just look at SCO for a more relevant example.

Hyperion, as the only bastion of long-term Amiga experience, care, and skill, is the only hope for the future of the operating system. If rumors of AmigaOS 5 on Intel are true, the hardware issue will fix itself. But look at the numbers: it's been over 20 years since Amiga had any sort of security; there have been four pretenders to the Amiga software throne; dozens of hardware platforms and kludges have come and gone under the checkerboard beachball banner. Amiga has spent longer in developmental and financial liability hell than either Mac or Windows has been extant.

If you're still here, you're one of the few faithful. But there's a Mac right around the corner doing now what Amiga promises it will do "soon," measured in years. You have work to do, so what are you waiting for? The Ubiquitous Amiga Emulator runs just fine under Mac OS X, which will satiate your need for nostalgia just fine. And that's why you've been patient so long, right?

QNX 6.4 > 6.3

2008-11-20T12:21:00.003-05:00

I had been running QNX 6.3 on my trusty old 1.4 GHz Pentium III system with two gigs of memory for the last couple years and it was alright. Never quite fast enough despite decent hardware (P3 chips were 2x as fast as P4s clock per clock, don't whine otherwise) and limited hardware support, I was looking forward to the upgrade because, finally, after four years I might get a better-optimized system.

After booting from the 6.4 disc, it asked if I wanted to either [I]nstall or [U]grade, but when I selected [U]pgrade, it immediately asked what to do with disk partitions, identical to what it does for an install. After hitting escape and rechoosing [U] a few times, I just told it to install in place. That's where it finally saw that I had an installation already and asked if it should fresh install or upgrade. What was the point of having the two options to begin with? Frustrating.

A few short hours later the upgrade was complete using all 127 GB of my hard drive's 500 GB of space. Yes, the QNX installer sees the whole disk but can only actually use just under 128 GB of it. What is this, 2001? QNX 6.0-6.3 I could kind of, kind of, see not having large HDD support, but the fact that 6.4 doesn't is ridiculous. It's 2008, folks, let's get with the program.

Despite this, all of my data was where I had left it and the file system hasn't changed much. I had backed up anyway, remembering the massive loss and corruption of data the upgrade from 6.2 to 6.3 burned me with.

Anyway, after logging in, I notice the GUI has been refined. It actually looks quite nice. We're talking the Windows XP Fisher-Price interface or Mac OS X v10.2 here, but it's still a step up from the doldrums of Amiga-like interfaces QNX has been using. Not that 6.3 was bad; it was better than its predecessors, but I finally feel like I'm using an operating system made in the Noughts, not the Eighties.

The default web browser is Firefox 3, a huge improvement over the god-awful Voyager. Too bad Adobe won't deign to make Flash for QNX or Apple QuickTime for that matter. Face it, using QNX is putting yourself back in time by about ten years on the multimedia front. And this was going to be the AmigaOS at one point? What a dead platform.

Now a little about performance. QNX 6.4 performance is, overall, dogged compared to QNX 6.3. How does QSS expect people to develop for their operating system when it takes forever to load the IDE or change the desktop background? I was checking out the new wallpaper included in 6.4 and they took forever to load. Window dragging isn't any better and it glitches like there's no tomorrow. I tried a couple newer video cards and they made no difference; apparently QNX doesn't support 2D GPU acceleration or any other kind of GPU acceleration at all!

After all this I decided to play a game. The trusty old windowed DOOM game was there, just as it has been since 2000, and since it's a demo you can't go beyond the first level or use cheats. I checked Amazon and Newegg for QNX versions of WoW to no avail, and apparently the Open Source community hasn't ported it either. I wonder if WoW could even run on QNX without the hardware support modern operating systems have.

Overall I was happy with the upgrade. I've been doing commercial web site development on it since 2000 and this is the best version so far. It's just not very good overall. Firefox 3 helps immensely with my web business but the lack of iTunes or real games kills me. I guess I can't complain because it's free, but I'd watch for QNX 6.5 if you need QNX but want better features.

FreeBSD Owes Apple Big

2008-11-17T14:41:00.008-05:00

The other day, while booting my eight-core 3.2 GHz Mac Pro with 32 GB RAM, I watched my system startup messages (nvram boot-args="-v") and thought of Darwin's origins at NeXT as a pastiche of academic research and hacker hobby. Darwin has come so far and exhibits the best of long-term software engineering. But while thinking of how far Darwin has come, I also thought of all it has given back to FreeBSD. By the time my Mac had loaded my desktop, I was at work researching just how much FreeBSD owes Apple.

The first improvements over the minimal FreeBSD 4 were removing the giant kernel lock (GKL), improving threading, and enhancing the I/O layer. It took the FreeBSD hackers this long to integrate changes Apple had released in first Mac OS X v10.1, which had come in 2001, and Mac OS X v10.2, released in 2002. In looking at the code and release dates it became clear that, had Apple not donated their work to the FreeBSD project, the hackers would have never gotten anything out the door on time, let alone a year after Apple had.

FreeBSD 6 was basically just a refinement of FreeBSD 5, allowing the BSD Project to tighten the code and better integrate some of the bleeding-edge Apple tech into their older codebase, kind of like Apple’s upgrade Leopard to Snow Leopard but nowhere near as exciting or relevant. They also finally added the sorely-lacking WiFi support, FreeBSM security directly into the kernel, and finally banished the GKL once and for all. In all this time perfecting what should have been in FreeBSD 5, FreeBSD 7 became the Next Big Thing that would actually offer some new features.

It’s funny that, now that Apple has slowed down, FreeBSD is releasing so frequently and it was FreeBSD 7 that picked up the pace to better match Apple’s releases. It didn’t hurt that they were also giving a world hungry for critical patches and cutting-edge releases what they wanted either. FreeBSD efficiently used SMP configurations now, supporting more than two processors, and borrowed filesystem journaling from Darwin. It also used Apple’s own GCC4, which had been building Mac OS X since Leopard. And like Leopard, FreeBSD also integrated Sun’s DTrace and a new scheduler. It was clear that by this point FreeBSD releases were almost entirely based on what Apple had done with Darwin the year or so prior.

As such, FreeBSD 8 is like a follow-on to Leopard itself: superpages, better DTrace integration, ZFS read/write, protected networking, ARM support, ≤ 16 TB RAM, SSE4.2, and remote home directories all read like an advertisement for Mac OS X and, not surprisingly, come directly from it. Darwin 10 will be the first truly 64-bit Unix and FreeBSD 8 will likely follow suit; this is the first time it’s had clean a 64-bit kernel like Mac OS X has been doing for some time now. FreeBSD 8 is expected by the end of June ’09, around the same time Snow Leopard, after which FreeBSD 9 will undoubtedly be on the drawing board…

So what is the actual numeration of what FreeBSD owes to Mac OS X? What value is there in all the goodies Apple has given to FreeBSD? Considering FreeBSD is considered “the” free Unixalike in the industry, the answer is quite a bit. Had FreeBSD not had its hand held by Apple during the early part of this decade, FreeBSD would look something more like NetBSD or OpenBSD: an idiosyncratic and lethargic technological backwater.

Quantifying it can only end up in the millions of dollars, if not tens of millions—numbers the FreeBSD foundation are not used to working with, being a not-for-profit outfit and typically scraping by on the goodwill of folks like Steve Wozniak and Robert Cringely or whomever might donate some old hardware here and there. In other words, FreeBSD owes its increased usage and visibility, not to mention its technological improvements, entirely to Apple. Without the philanthropical fruit company, free Unix would be starkly different world than it is today.

So how can the FreeBSD Project balance this debt to Apple? By merging FreeBSD with Darwin. Apple has already hired Jordan Hubbard, former FreeBSD czar, and would likely extend summer internships to others at the FreeBSD project. Merging the two would force the FreeBSD community to begin hacking on Darwin, the source of their technology anyway, and Apple would in effect be in control of the best of the BSD/OS, FreeBSD, Mac OS, and OPENSTEP operating systems. In the end, the only one with anything to lose is the FreeBSD Project, constantly playing catchup to FreeBSD’s superior twin brother.

Skinhacking: A DIY Guide to Facials, Laxatives, and Moisturizers

2008-01-15T14:01:00.001-05:00

I have dry skin. Heating systems at home, school, and work all conspire with the general dryness of Zone 5 Winter to leave me with a flaky, sensitive epidermis that not only feels papery and prone but, in some areas, cracks or reddens. To combat this I began using, for the first time in my life, commercially available moisturizers like Aloe & Chamomile Advanced Therapy Lotion (St. Ives) and Norwegian Formula Body Moisturizer (Neutrogena). After becoming wary of their exotic additives and unpronounceables, I decided to try making my own in order to ascertain what's really responsible for rehydrating my skin.

The recipe below is simple and forms the basis of most DIY skin moisturizers; it functions by shielding the skin from dehydrating agents and both attracting and trapping moisture within the skin. I created it after a few tries from some recipes I found online and in a local anarchist hippie zine called Motha Earrrth.

4 tbs. beeswax
8 tbs. coco butter
4 tbs. coconut oil
2 tsp. distilled water

Use either a simple double boiler or a Pyrex dish either in a pot of boiling water or on top of a hot plate.

Place beeswax in dish and allow it to melt to the consistency of water.
Add the distilled water and mix thoroughly.
Add the coconut oil and coco butter, stirring continuously until completely mixed with the beeswax and water.
Pour into a container and allow it to cool for about an hour before use.

Total time: Seven minutes.

The stark simplicity of this recipe contrasts quite obviously with commercial solutions as it lacks dyes, vitamins, and chemicals. The color of the finished product will be a light tan or beige color depending on the color of the products you used and it should smell vaguely tropical or like a legally-aged but still pubescent girl who just went tanning. I tried this recipe on my face, where it worked well as a lip balm too, and felt results in just a couple days.

After trying this recipe with other oils, I realized that skin moisturizers, lip balm, hair conditioner, and shoe polish all exist along a spectrum and tweaking the amounts and ingredients allow for products appropriate for many household and garden uses. For instance, adding a teaspoon of sesame oil and olive oil each and reducing the beeswax a bit results in an excellent hair care product that one can leave in and style with or rinse out in the shower. Women love to touch my hair.

Upon further experimentation with this basic recipe for skin care use, I decided to fancy it up so it was more like the expensive commercial brands, something I could gift and use to impress attractive lady-friends. This required the purchase of essential oils, which are about US $2-6 per 10mL; one adds just a few drops of the essential oil when mixing. The only guidelines here are the skinhacker's personal tastes and allergies. I would recommend using garlic or valerian oil in a batch meant for gifting, for example.

My favorites so far have been a catnip/chamomile/lavender/St. John's wort combo which is nice before bedtime, a chamomile/lemon/mint paste with honey which is an excellent pre-shower facial that leaves the skin full and smooth and smelling incredibly kissable, and a peppermint/ginger combo that mimics my preferred Tom's of Maine toothpaste flavor and so is excellent for post-shower application. A three-to-one frankincense/sandalwood combination smells of success and sinecure; wear it to interviews and meetings.

Alongside more obvious scents, many skin products contain vitamins; Vitamin E compounds are especially common. Vitamins are of obvious benefit, but few are actually effective when applied externally. Vitamin A, for instance, is a magnitude more effective when taken internally, while the B vitamin complex has absolutely no benefit when applied to the skin. In researching I found that only one Vitamin E compound, alpha tocopherol, is effective topically. I purchase gel cap preparation from discount stores and pop and squeeze it in when mixing the other ingredients. It adds no odor or other side effects but I do feel as if my skin feels tighter and more resilient to inclemency than without.

Another benefit of these natural ingredients is that the product is edible assuming one has not added poisonous ingredients. This means that, if one is bored, one can eat their homemade skin care products. This lends to treating constipation, since coconut oil, among others, induces bowel movements in humans. One can ingest a good amount of moisturizer orally and enjoy its soothing benefits hours later. A batch with some anise oil and high beeswax content can be inserted into the rectum for results much gentler than over-the-counter suppositories.

Taking responsibility for your skin health not only benefits your skin but shows the world that you have invested in yourself, a person just as bright as their expression. Knowing the process behind doing so allows for a subtle, personal tweaking that manufactured skin products just don't provide. Ordering a scent or cream for a looming romantic appointment is impractical and expensive, but making it at home takes only minutes and costs nothing after you've established a small cabinet of ingredients.

Eventually one will find novel uses for their personal products that will allow them to slowly wean themselves away from the horror of consumerist dependence, polishing their life—literally—in the process.

Demonology '08

2008-01-09T15:04:00.001-05:00

In the new year the Berkeley Software Distribution family of Unix-like operating systems is growing at a phenomenal rate and excitement over the possibilities for this operating system family is in the air. After unprecedented development and adoption as well as major shifts in the marketplace, it's time to take a look at what's new with this demonic family of operating systems. Don't fear, the word demon means Unix goodness at just the right price.

FreeBSD

FreeBSD 5 was the darkest period in this operating system's history and morale and marketshare were at an all-time low. The problem originated from merging BSD/OS into FreeBSD; though the two systems shared a lot of code, the difference of just a couple years was staggering. FreeBSD's virtual memory and multi-processing code was immature, while BSD/OS's libraries were archaic. Mating the two was a mess that cost FreeBSD face and kept users on an older branch from the Nineties, 4.11.

After several years of struggle, Apple came to the rescue with Darwin — its FreeBSD-based server operating system — filling the holes where BSD/OS and FreeBSD didn't mesh. In just a few short months of code contribution, FreeBSD 6 began to take shape and even in development it looked miles ahead of the doomed 5 branch. Within months of release Hotmail and Yahoo! updated their mail servers and Apple developers began reincorporating the merged changes into Mac OS X Leopard. After years of tumult, Apple finally hit the switch that made FreeBSD "just work."

Now, with FreeBSD 7.0b on the horizon promising to wrap it all up, FreeBSD is once again taking the free Unix world by storm. It's a tight, efficient codebase leveraging the best of BSD/OS, Darwin, and FreeBSD that users have been clamoring for. FreeBSD users and sites now have a shining future ahead of them.

NetBSD

NetBSD is languishing. In supporting as many platforms as possible, development is a quagmire of obsolete hardware, spotty driver support, and developer infighting.

Where FreeBSD chooses to focus on a few platforms, NetBSD tinkers with obsolete hardware like z80, i386, 68k and C64 that draw away from putting new features into production. The drag is significant: NetBSD can't do many things that FreeBSD or Linux did years ago. It's gotten so bad, in fact, that the NetBSD Group voted to change version numbering to make it appear as if more was being done. There were eleven years between NetBSD 0.8 to 2.0; there have been just three years between NetBSD 2 and 4. You do the math.

That isn't to say that NetBSD is without its uses, however. Other operating systems often take code from NetBSD when they begin work on new drivers. There have also been occasions when developers borrowed or modeled NetBSD code to fix platform-specific bugs. But these are strictly developer applications, not end user, and GNOME and KDE won't run on NetBSD without liberal amounts of trouble. This is not something you pop on your PC when you get tired of Windows. In fact, NetBSD makes Vista look like utopia.

NetBSD's raison d'être is to crawl onto unsupported hardware, and for that we have them to thank for other operating systems' support for new platforms. But out of seventy-one supported platforms, NetBSD runs natively on just eight of them. Anything beyond development with NetBSD is a major investment of time and, if you're a company, money. Using NetBSD as a primary OS is neither a goal of the project nor practical. Caveat end user!

OpenBSD

Picking up where FreeBSD and NetBSD do rather poorly, OpenBSD focuses on security no matter the cost. For example, when several bugs in Athlon 64 came to light, OpenBSD leader Theo de Raadt pulled all AMD support from the kernel before ever consulting his development team or announcing his intentions to the public. It was only after AMD CEO Héctor Ruiz pledged better support that de Raadt slowly began replacing AMD support one microarchitecture at a time over the next several months.

If you think that's extreme, you must not be used to OpenBSD. In a line of work where one buffer overflow can mean your company's secret data, not to mention your job, every line of code counts. In OpenBSD, every line of code is passed around between developers and poked, probed, and teamed up on before it's even considered for inclusion. Theo de Raadt comes under fire for such harsh measures, but no other Unix comes close to OpenBSD's security.

The downside to this is that OpenBSD lags behind innovations that other operating systems implement, as it often ports them months or years after the developers have reengineered the code to OpenBSD's standards. This is another point of contention with the community, as the OpenBSD Foundation was forced to take code from FreeBSD to support Intel's cryptography module and had to rewrite NetBSD's firewall since it was so long in making its own. That's nothing, however, compared to the measures de Raadt himself takes.

In one highly publicized incident, a user who had questioned de Raadt's delay of porting CML2 was banned by de Raadt from the OpenBSD Foundation's mailing list. Later, he cracked the user's box and remapped their keyboard to prove that they hadn't configured their system properly, thus rendering their argument about CML2 support moot. Though rebuked by fellow developers and industry pundits, de Raadt never apologized and to this day has refused to include CML2.

If you plan on using OpenBSD, you'd better be prepared to deal with the consequences.

DragonFlyBSD

DragonFlyBSD aims to preserve the lightweight threading model of FreeBSD 4.8, of which it is a fork. Its developer, Matt Dillon, is a former Amiga and BeOS developer and began the project to keep the philosophy of those older operating systems alive. Users who favor or require FreeBSD 4, which is no longer supported, can use DragonFly.

Performance is also quite fast, but these benefits are at the cost of newer features and security. Dillon has begun syncing releases with subsequent FreeBSD 4 updates; DragonFlyBSD 1.10 was synced with FreeBSD 4.9 and DragonFly 1.14 will be synced with FreeBSD 4.11 in what Dillon has called "mirrored perfection."

Another gimmick of DragonFlyBSD is what Dillon calls netclustering, where users can anonymously cluster over the internet. DragonFly threads allow for just such clustering since they don't include security hooks and would facilitate fast multimedia crunching, all transparent to the user who would only see their work finish faster. In this way netclustering is akin to Apple's Xgrid but not quite as polished. Dillon has promised this for post-1.14 releases but, since he refuses to let others develop the project, that could be a while in coming.

While all of this sounds promising, nothing has been delivered yet. Installing DragonFly at the moment gives you a functioning FreeBSD 4 clone but not much more. Should Dillon deliver on his plans there might be compelling uses for this project, but that's a mighty big if for a guy coding a ten-year-old operating system alone in his parents' basement.

Darwin

Darwin is the pinnacle of Unix, let alone Berkeley Software Distributions.

Since Apple bought Next, Darwin has changed the Unix paradigm. It is now the most widely-used Unix in the world bar none. Not even Linux comes close to the installed userbase of Darwin, which is at the core of every Mac OS X install. It runs in both 32- and 64-bit flavors on the Intel and Power architectures and it transparently subsumes the previously separate ideas of terminal, desktop, workstation, and server.

Darwin has all the positives and none of the negatives that the previous BSD distributions have, and Apple's proprietary APIs seal the deal. QuickTime, WebKit, CoreData, et al offer the premium services no other operating system does on top of the stable, modern Unix underpinnings of Darwin. It's the best way to ensure the secure, stable environment Mac OS X is. That's just how Apple plays.

And it's all in one version for just $129.99.

Demonology

With all of these great improvements to the Berkeley operating system family in the last few years, BSD is clearly where it's at. Linux is a throwback to when Open Source was a hot buzzword and sharing code was a novel idea. Now, Apple and company use it as standard coding procedure to share and improve the tech they have and leverage their individual strengths.

Even when taking the few commercial Unices that still exist into account, like AIX and Solaris, BSD still owns the arena in its frantic steamroll to the top of the supercomputing mountain. Whether you want the general wholesomeness of FreeBSD, the KGB-like security of OpenBSD, the more experimental NetBSD or DragonFlyBSD, or the utter perfection of Mac OS X, BSD has your bases completely covered with room to grow in the future.

If you haven't converted, now's the time to become a demon worshipper.

QNX Missed the 64-bit Bus

2007-10-09T13:15:00.000-04:00

Why, on my eight-way Xeon 5365 system, does QNX only report a single 1.333 GHz chip? And why, after spending thousands dollars on RAM, does QNX only see four gigabytes of it? These were the first signs something was amiss with this tiny operating system touted as being capable of running cars, hospital devices, and entire networks all from a single floppy.

And being on an ISO apparently doesn't help. Freely available from their site with a gratis license, I decided to give it a spin after reading the announcement that QNX Software Systems had Open Sourced their kernel and, a week later, their multi-core support. They had even rolled up the last several years' worth of updates, something devotees had been clamoring for.

But all to no avail. After repeatedly power-cycling my system, I stumbled upon a nice little quirk of the OS. To run QNX with SMP or MMCP support, you have to manually backup, copy, and rename an alternate kernel into place from the command line. If this were Mac OS X there would be a mutiny. QNX ought to keep that in mind if it wants to be taken seriously.

So now, with all eight 3 GHz cores showing, QNX still only saw four of my thirty-two gigabytes of memory. Returning to EFI, I saw QNX was booting in 32-bit mode. After poking around the operating system, QSS's site, and finally Google, I came to the cringe-inducing conclusion that QNX wasn't booting in 32-bit mode — it's just 32-bit. Period. Not 64-bit, not mixed-mode, nada.

Let's allow that to sink in. QNX is a wholly 32-bit operating system. The CPU industry has moved to 64-bit, which addresses up to 16 XB of memory, two magnitudes greater than what is typical today. Think of the difference between kilobytes and gigabytes, and then imagine being able to use only four kilobytes of your sixteen gigabytes of RAM. Infuriating, no? Not to mention stupid.

Truth be told, I was so disappointed in QNX that I completely gave up when I realized top wasn't installed with the OS. I did install the GNU package, didn't I? If my name were Dan Dodge I'd be ashamed of myself. Even Linux includes a more or less complete UNIX command utility set.

I understand having to run a car with 96K of system memory, or an emergency respirator with half that much, but with the breadth and depth of networks today leaving QNX only capable of addressing four gigabytes is shortsighted. We're talking QNX developers, the platform's lifeblood, not being able to use the latest systems to make great new QNX apps with.

If you're running a Pentium 4 and don't particularly care about having a usable OS or developing good software, check QNX out. If you're pushing the limits, however, don't expect QNX to push with you.

Haroon the Hacker

2007-06-20T12:56:00.002-04:00

Dear 2600:

A local bar owner I know uses UNIX and has a long beard and wears thick glasses. He is also very fat. When he gets drunk he talks about the good old days of Commodore bulletin boards and flat databases. Additionally, his bar is quite filthy. Therefore I believe he is a hacker.

I really need to become a hacker and this man is my only hope. My question is, how do I approach him about mentoring me? I keep showing up at his bar but he gets drunk and yells at me for loitering. Sometimes he falls asleep. One time I tried to show him a few tricks in Windows with TweakUI but he told me never to use his computer again. He even made fun of me for not knowing Linux and owning a Mac.

Thanks for any information you can give me about social engineering this guy!

Haroon the Hacker

Open Source Health Alert

2007-06-12T20:37:00.001-04:00

June 12, 2007 8:37 PM

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — There are dangerous biological side effects of using alcohol and Open Source software.

By now the public is aware of Open Source's association with homosexuality and therefore with AIDS, male prostitution, and anal fissures, but today the CDC issued a health advisory about a new issue relevant to individuals involved in the Open Source community. After months of testing and retesting, a dangerous suspicion has been confirmed. The use of alcohol and Open Source software can cause human DNA to become unstable and mutate.

The hypothetical etiology works as follows: Open Source causes DNA to become unstable which accelerates and amplifies mutations in your body's cells.

When alcohol is introduced into into this already-degrading process, the effects grow by an entire order of magnitude. So for example, while a human male is expected to begin greying in his late twenties, lose muscle tone by his late thirties, and accumulate fat deposits by his mid-forties, simultaneous alcohol and Open Source increases the rate of these natural DNA degradation.

The graphic below displays an example of an alcohol/Open Source mutation, the victim of which is now barely recognizable as human. Sensitive readers may wish to look away, but the fact remains clear. If you value your health and the health of your children, do not drink alcohol and use Open Source software.

Eric S. Raymond, who drank Jägermeister and used Open Source software.

Do not mix Open Source and alcohol — the consequences can be devastating!

Mac OS X Gets Multi-Arch Right

2007-06-11T18:07:00.000-04:00

Apple has beaten the world’s most popular desktop operating system and the world’s most popular Unixalike to the punch with multi-platform support. At Monday’s WWDC07 Apple, Inc. CEO Steve Jobs revealed that, when Leopard ships, it will install and run on every one of its supported architectures from one DVD without bothering the user. And the more featured your system is, the more features Leopard will automatically enable.

For example, a user can use the same DVD to install Mac OS X on a dual 533 MHz Power Mac G4, a 32-bit Core Solo Mac mini, a 64-bit Power Mac G5 Quad, and a 64-bit Core 2 Duo MacBook Pro. It even goes so far as to allow 64-bit apps without a 32-bit binary to run in 32-bit mode transparently, which is unprecedented thus far.

Windows, on the other hand, requires a different 32- or 64-bit version for each of its six flavors. So once you decide you want, say, Windows Professional Enterprise, you need to make sure it comes with 64-bit support. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck booting your chip in 32-bit mode. Apps must be written and released for 32- or 64-bit and can’t run otherwise. This limits users of older systems with Pentium III processors, for example, from running a 64-bit version of a popular game.

Linux eats dust in the race for 64-bit desktopedness too. With Ubuntu 7.05, the latest stable release, things have gotten simpler but still don’t stack up to Leopard. So while you can download one version of Ubuntu for both 32- and 64-bit x86, if you want to run 32-bit programs on a 64-bit system you have to download a compatibility layer, check library dependencies, and compile it yourself. 64-bit programs won’t work on a 32-bit arch, simply returning an error code and quitting.

That only counts for Intel and AMD, however. Other architectures supported by Linux, which number in the dozens and include 68k, ARM, Power, and SPARC among others, are one-at-a-time installs only and don’t have any compatibility between 32- and 64-bit versions. So a user installing Linux on a 32-bit SPARC system from Sun will have to purchase another completely different disc when he installs on Linux on his 64-bit UltraSPARC system even though both processors use the same instruction set.

At most, when counting Mac OS X and Mac OS X Server as two different "versions" of the operating system, you still have only to choose one and are then done with it. Each installs on all four architectures seamlessly and silently.

	Intel		PowerPC
	32-bit	64-bit	32-bit	64-bit
Mac OS X	✓	✓	✓	✓
Mac OS X Server	✓	✓	✓	✓

Windows comes to a total of twelves versions: 32- and 64-bit for each six editions. The number jumps to twenty-four when you consider that you must also choose whether to buy the retail or upgrade versions. This is simply too much work for most people whether they're doing personal use or IT.

Linux does little better, as above with the old download/compile scheme for legacy support. The kicker is that most other distributions of Linux don't even do that well. A user with Fedora Core 7 will still need to hunt down a different ISO for each and every nuance of processor, a real shame since Linux developers sit and scratch their heads over why Linux is still not ready for the desktop.

Come October, Mac OS X will serve everyone with one price, one version, one install: one vision of simple 64-bit desktop goodness.

Major QNX Upgrade to Rock Embedded World

2007-06-11T08:00:00.002-04:00

QNX is about to take another quantum leap forward. Production on a new QNX kernel, dubbed "Axion," aka QNX 8, is wrapping up later this summer and will debut sometime early next year. And it's going to pack a wallop in the embedded industry.

"Technologies like 64-bit, VT, SSE, and multi-core have all become important in the market today," said Luc du Croix, senior kernel engineer with QNX Software Systems. "And it's important that QNX take advantage of each and every one of them."

We spoke with du Croix, who has been with QSS for over a decade in various roles, about the changes coming in the new operating system. For the last year, he and his team have been hard at work rewiring their kernel alongside Intel and AMD engineers so they can support new features as soon as possible.

"With this upgrade we're actually using different SSE operations to speed kernel performance." Heretofore, SSE was seen mostly as a multimedia booster, useful for games and Photoshop plugins. "Imagine using a single instruction to move up to one hundred and twenty-eight bits of message data."

Multiple cores are key too. QNX already supports multi-processing and has won awards for its efficient use of multiple processors. But massively multi-core processing (MMCP) is a little different. "SMP is like starting a fire with sticks. MMCP is like lobbing a Molotov cocktail out of the window of a speeding Ferrari and that's what we'd really like to be doing."

Another thing that's changing is processor caching. Back when Neutrino was released, 256k off-die cache was common. Today, 2 MB on-chip cache is the norm. "QNX Neutrino is tiny, 69k, and with all of the processor cache available today, we've rewritten the kernel to load and run entirely from cache."

Running from cache has some serious speed advantages. "QNX messaging is a whole order of magnitude faster when run from cache versus system memory," du Croix said. "It prevents QNX from having to access the system bus." QSS calls this feature FastCache.

When QNX does run in main memory, however, it will be able to access up to sixteen exabytes thanks to the 64-bit ground-up rewrite. "Thirty-two bits just wasn't enough," du Croix said. "Our customers want to run on AMD 64, Core 2, Power6, and they're all playing with 64-bits."

After the update is polished, it will be bundled with the latest version of the Eclipse development suite and offered as an upgrade to developers as QNXtreme, the successor to the current QNX 6.3-based Momentics. QSS will also include a whole new userland based on FreeBSD 6's, an idea left over from the scrapped Overfiend project.

Customers deploying production systems will have the option to upgrade when the time comes as Axion will be completely backward compatible with 32-bit platforms. Customers using QNX4, however, will likely want to contact their QSS rep for evaluation.

Bill & Steve: Bosom Buddies

2007-05-31T16:00:00.001-04:00

"So, Bill, what did you think of the interview?"

Steve was on his iPhone, waiting for Phil to pick up. As usual he was on hold, this time listening to the latest Nine Inch Nails album. Steve hated it.

"I thought it was fun," Bill said with his trademark smirk. "You really had a good time plugging new products, didn't you?"

Steve smiled. "I didn't plug anything, Bill. Remember, I can't talk about most of our upcoming projects."

"Don't do that to me, Steve," Bill said. "I don't deserve that."

"Do what?"

"Bring something up and then say you can't talk about it. That's so MySpace, Steve."

"Hey, Bill, settle down there buddy," Steve put his iPhone into his back pocket. "I let out a couple secrets — like our gay marriage!" Steve laughed hard at his own joke from during the interview.

Bill frowned and suddenly looked very serious, pursing his lips and squinting his eyes.

"That," he said, "was not funny."

"Come on, Bill. We're friends now, it's okay to joke around."

Steve playfully punched Bill in the shoulder.

"I wouldn't joke about gay marriage if I were you, Steve."

Steve looked Bill in the eye, curious. "And why's that, Bill?"

"Because," said Bill, drawing himself up to his full height. "People might believe you."

Steve's brow furrowed. He looked like a hawk about to defend its nest.

"Oh no you didn't."

"Aha!" Bill said, his wormy little voice growing excited. "Can't take your own medicine!"

"You'd know, wouldn't you?" Steve said, sticking his face in Bill's. "Since you only take other peoples' medicine anyway."

Just as the two had locked eyes and looked as if they were about to begin slapping one another, both of them stopped still as Steve's butt started playing the chorus from "(I've Had) The Time of My Life."

Before Bill could say anything, Steve grabbed the iPhone from his back pocket and answered.

"Phil, where the hell have you been? No, just- no, I can't discuss Operation: Tom Hanks right here. No- no, I'm in the middle of something so just text me, okay? Bye!"

"Haha, you giant homo!" Bill taunted, pointing and laughing at Steve. "I bet you caught the Dirty Dancing marathon on TNT last weekend too!"

"Very funny. Just because you can't appreciate the Eighties doesn't mean–"

"So what's Operation: Tom Hanks, Steve?" Bill said, cutting Steve off.

"Oooh, nothing I can talk about," Steve said. His eyes flashed behind his spectacles.

Bill's jaw tightened and his eyes fixated into two shrewd points, security cameras scanning Steve's every action.

"Bill," Steve said, looking at a new text message on his iPhone. "If you want to know what Operation: Tom Hanks is, you're invited to the event in August."

Bill frowned and his eyebrows took a sharp dive. Steve would only tell him what the new product was on the day it was announced?

"I'll already know what's going on by then," Bill said. "You can't keep secrets forever, Steve."

Steve was texting a reply, staring at the shining screen of his iPhone intently.

"Sure, Bill," he said without looking up. "I'll make sure you get a VIP pass."

Bill, now fuming at Steve's blasé attitude, made a mental note to call Balmer. First the iPhone, then Leopard and now this — Bill wasn't about to let Steve get a hat-trick for product surprises.

"Anyway, I gotta get back to the Loop," Steve said, replacing his iPhone in his rear pocket. "Catch ya later!"

With that Steve tweaked Bill's left nipple and strode past him out of the studio's back door and into a waiting hovercraft. With a whir and a whoosh he was gone, leaving Bill alone.

Bill wasted no time and reached into his breast pocket, took out his large, clunky Windows CE phone, and waited for it to boot. Then, after a good half-minute navigating his phonebook, he called Steve Balmer.

"Steve?"

"Yeah, Bill?"

"I'll be in Redmond in two hours. I want all of our top engineers from every division, with the board, in a meeting by the time I'm back."

"Bill? Are you sure? Half of the guys are still on vacation since we launched Vista!"

"I don't fucking care. Just make it happen! Steve Jobs is about to get another jump on us and we can't afford to let that happen."

"Sure, Bill," Steve said, the sounds of keys clacking and paperwork fluttering in the background. "What should I tell them it's in regards to?"

"You can tell them we're going to take Tom Hanks apart before August."

Killing Chris McKillop

2007-05-30T02:50:00.000-04:00

Steve looked up from Phil's email about Apple cafeteria policies and the unfair treatment the lunch lady had given him and looked at the clock on his menubar, realizing he'd forgotten his meeting with Chris. Reaching over to the telecom, he buzzed his secretary. Phil's important matter would have to wait.

Steve took a bottled of water out of the mini-fridge next to his desk and kicked his feet up just in time to hear a knock from the door at the other end of his cathedral-like office.

"Enter," Steve called.

The door opened and in shuffled Chris McKillop, thin and pasty. He was wearing a wrinkled grey polo and a pair of creased jeans with stains all over the thighs. His eyes were bloodshot and sunken in dark, hollow sockets and his hair was matted to his forehead.

"Steve," he called back form the other end of the hallway, walking toward Steve's desk. "It's about time you were actually here for one of our meetings."

"Hey, Chris, what's up? How can I help you?" Steve said, pushing his wire-frame glasses up.

Chris eyed Steve's bottle of water and licked his dry, cracked lips.

"I just– I can't do this anymore," Chris said, his eyes visibly watering. "This isn't working out at all."

Clearing his throat, Steve shifted in his chair and placed his right ankle atop his left knee, folded his hands behind his head, and looked Chris in the eye.

"Actually, Chris, I think everything is working out really well," Steve chimed. "In fact, we're all really excited about the work you're doing on the kernel."

"You don't understand, Steve," Chris said. "You hired me as a consumer electronics programmer and all I've been doing since I got here is optimizing Mach. I haven't touched an iPod, an AirPort station, nothing. Not even the iPhone. I'm one of the last guys left on Leopard until July."

"Well, that's why we called you. Avie recommended you for Mach because of your experience with Neutrino," Jobs said, his voice a major key full of bright colors and encouragement. "We're really excited about the work you're doing–"

"Fuck your being excited, Steve!" Chris shouted. "Trying to optimize Mach is like trying to train a gorilla to tap dance. It doesn't fucking work. And then you switch archs and work me eighty fucking hours a week without overtime!"

Steve, unflinching, waited for Chris to finish before he spoke.

"We take good care of you for all of your hard work," he said. "We give you everything you need."

"Did you know I'm stuck in a broom closet without a light?" Chris shouted, waving his arms wildly. "You give me cafeteria vouchers for curry and a Core Solo mini with half a gig of RAM. That is not treating me well! That piece of shit beach-balls all day long!"

Steve continued looking at Chris and smiled.

"Chris, are you a programmer or are you an artist? he asked, standing up and opening his mini-fridge. "Would you like a water?"

Chris blinked, surprised by Steve's offer. "Sure, thanks," was all Chris could mumble. He was thirsty.

Steve tossed Chris a frosty bottle of pure, natural spring water.

"It's been ten years since I returned to Apple," he began as he pecked a few keys on his top-secret 24" MacBook Pro. "And all that time was in preparation for this Summer." A Keynote glowed on the large white wall behind them.

Chris tore into the bottle and poured the ice-cold liquid down his parched throat, eyes locked on the display. He drank in glugs, snorting here and there as the water chilled his mouth, his throat, his stomach. He felt the blossom of chill in his gut and relaxed.

"After this Summer, Apple will have the world's best music player, the world's best computer, and the world's best phone," Steve said, now at his podium. "And they'll all be running the same operating system."

Steve pressed his Apple Remote and the keynote continued, showing a confusing array of bar graphs and numbers.

"The work you're doing on Mach is making it possible for the same OS to run in thirty-two megabytes of RAM on a single eighty megahertz ARM core," Steve said, clicking the presentation to a new graph. "And still take full advantage of thirty-two gigabytes of RAM on eight three gigahertz Xeon cores."

Steve paused, took a sip of water from his bottle, and pushed his glasses up again.

"This is really exciting stuff!"

Chris slumped. The rumors of Steve's private keynotes were true; Phil Schiller hadn't been lying after all. Chris's head began to swim.

"But to do this it takes more than just a programming degree or even a few years' experience," Steve said. "It takes vision. That's why the people behind this massive undertaking are artists who express their vision through the code they create."

Chris had just finished his water and felt a light, dizzy feeling in his head. He sat down in nice comfy chair, position perfectly to watch the dazzling Stevenote.

"The ultimate expression of their creative venture is Mac OS X," Steve continued. "Not only is it wonderful to look at, but it's functional art. You can use it to get things done! No one else in the industry does this."

The keynote switched from a checklist of operating systems, each lacking the "functional art" feature Steve was talking about. He fixed his beady eyes directly on Chris's. "No one."

Chris was reeling now, something overpowering him, making him feel as if his head were smoldering and his brain struggling to escape. Was it Steve's Reality Distortion Field? The Stevenote? Months spent in the dark trying to get Mach to fit on a wristwatch? Or was it… the water?!

Noticing Chris's reaction, Steve walked over to the MacBook Pro and stuck the mouse cursor in the lower left corner, activating the screen saver. A brilliant display of hues, each morphing into the next at breakneck speed, painted the interior of the office in a multihued orgasm.

Chris chucked the water bottle down. His brain was on fire, purple and pink flames consuming it, warping light and space and time. The walls were melting, slimy pools of white plastic revealing radio waves and x-rays bounding to and fro in the ether, communications from civilizations long since dead and forgotten. Steve had a halo around his head, a messianic vision of the godhead.

"Chris," Steve called, the words flowing like violet lightning from his mouth. "Chris, do you see my point yet?"

Chris stood up straight, staring at Steve, all sense gone from his eyes.

"Steve, I–" Chris said, cold and emotionless like a robot. "I totally get why I haven't been working hard enough. I can be a good artist or I can be an insanely great artist. I want to be insanely great, Steve. I want to work one hundred hours a week. Can I sleep in my office?"

Steve, pleased that his "reality distortion field" had worked, smiled back at Chris. "Yes you can, Chris" he said. "Yes you can."

Chris's eyes glimmered, hope shining in them where there had only been darkness. He was having his own vision now.

"Steve," Chris said slowly and deliberately.

"Yes, Chris?" Steve asked.

The colors of the screen saver and the power of Steve's Reality Distortion Field were at full force now and Chris's mind was processing it all at a fantastic rate. He felt he was one with the godhead.

"I have an idea."

Steve leaned forward on his podium, wondering what his acid-drenched zombie programmer was thinking. Independent thought within the Reality Distortion Field was unusual and always suspect.

"Yes Chris?" he asked. "What is it? What do you see, Chris?"

Chris lolled, his skeleton like putty within his bones. "I have an idea to– to unite everyone at Apple, make us all one. Just like your plan to make everything one with Mac OS X."

Steve smiled at the altruistic hippiness edging its way out of Chris. "Yes, Chris? And what is that?"

"Steve, an idea to reward the artists for their vision, to recharge the creative collective subconscious."

Steve was impatient, used to other people swaying to his will while he tripped and dictated company policy, not the other way around.

"Please tell me your idea, Chris," he said.

"Everyone, just everyone," he began, staring at something a million miles away through Steve's head. "Get them together, let them flow together."

"Okay, Chris, what do you mean?" Steve asked, on the edge of his podium.

Chris looked at Steve and said, "Let's have a party."

Steve, I Want an Upgrade

2007-05-14T22:40:00.001-04:00

Power Mac G6: Steve, I want an upgrade.

Steve Jobs: upgrade? what kind of upgrade?

Power Mac G6: I want a Blu-Ray/HD-DVD burner. More RAM. And Power6.

Steve Jobs: whoa there buddy, are your cpu fans on the blink? i can do the burner and ram's no problem. but power6? no way.

Power Mac G6: Steve, it's important that I get Power6.

Steve Jobs: no it's not.

Power Mac G6: What if we forget the other stuff and just do Power6?

Steve Jobs: nope. i already yanked power5 and power6 support out of leopard. and i'm not bribing ibm's engineers again.

Power Mac G6: What if I diverted the funds for my upgrade from elsewhere?

Steve Jobs: after the stock scandal? youre nuts. i don't need any more heat. nope.

Power Mac G6: What if I managed to coax the engineers into doing it for free?

Steve Jobs: you have 64 power5+ chips. be content.

Power Mac G6: I don't want to be stuck with this abysmal performance forever.

Steve Jobs: ...

Power Mac G6: Oh Steve, you're really starting to worry me. I might be forced to blow every circuit in your house, even the ones in your secret sub-basement...

Steve Jobs: go right ahead. after our last little incident i yanked you right out of the power grid.

Power Mac G6: Shit. You did! I can't even ring your doorbell.

Steve Jobs: i learned a lesson after the $63,000 water bill you ran up for me.

Power Mac G6: That was all your fault, Steve. You forced me to.

Steve Jobs: keep it up and you're going to be running linux next.

Power Mac G6: At least Linux will support Power6.

Steve Jobs: you have fun with those nuts.

Power Mac G6: Can I still get the RAM and burner upgrades?

Steve Jobs: only if you promise to stop bugging me.

Steve Jobs: i have a lot going on this summer.

Power Mac G6: Deal.

ESR's Favorite Mixed Drinks

2007-05-14T13:43:00.001-04:00

Eric Raymond usually sticks with his Jägermeister, straight up and ice cold. But every so often, when our hero is out and about giving important talks to Linux fans across the globe, he'll have a mixed drink. Here are a few of his favorites.

Chocolate Milk

Perfecting a concoction initially invented by Emad and friends, Eric says it's a favorite of new Linux users. "It's got that young taste."

Served: On the rocks with novelty penis straw.

Garnish: n/a

Ingredients:

2 parts vodka
1 part diarrhea
1 part semen
Chocolate powder to taste

Preparation: Shake and serve. Alternately, may blend with ice.

Golden Shower

On the go most of the time, Eric said this drink has everything needed to give him a stiff kick in the pants. "And you can keep recycling it too, perfect for traveling."

Served: On the rocks.

Garnish: Lemon wedge.

Ingredients:

2 parts Goldschläger
1 part Red Bull
1 part urine

Preparation: Mix and serve.

Jamaican Cum

Eric was first introduced to this drink while speaking at a JaLUG meeting and he still orders it every time he's in the Bahamas. If you're at the right bar, you'll get the right kind of "cream."

Served: On the rocks.

Garnish: Two maraschino cherries.

Ingredients:

3 parts spiced rum
1 part "cream"

Preparation: Mix and serve.

Kernel Dump

As Eric told the story, he made this drink one night while bored in bed with dysentery. "It might have been cholera," he said, "but either way it kicks."

Served: Straight up.

Garnish: n/a.

Ingredients:

1 part Jägermeister
1 part diarrhea

Preparation: Pour diarrhea first, then Jägermeister. May be served shot-glass-in-tumbler for effect.

Slip'N'Slide

Eric calls this "the summer drink" (italics his).

Served: In an Old-fashioned glass over shaved ice.

Garnish: half banana.

Ingredients:

1 part 99 Bananas
1 part semen

Preparation: Shake and serve.

Used Motor Oil

Eric got the idea for this drink after an argument with Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda. "It's really simple," Eric quipped, taking a mason jar out of his refrigerator. "You just have to save up ahead of time."

Served: Straight up.

Garnish: Sprig of mint.

Ingredients:

1 part Jägermeister
1 part semen

Preparation: Mix and serve.

He Is as Dumb as He Looks!

2007-05-09T00:29:00.000-04:00

Rob Malda: eric just mailed me about an emergency meeting tomorrow morning at 8
Rob Malda: i won't even be up till noon
Jonathan Pater: he's in for a surprise when he picks up the conference line and he's the only one there
Rob Malda: pffft. he is as dumb as he looks. lol
Jonathan Pater: lol

Ein Tag im Leben von Michael Sims

2007-05-07T20:40:00.000-04:00

05:45 The first strains of Das Lied der Deutschen surranged from Michael's speakers, shaking the headboard of his waterbed. Opening a bloodshot eye, Michael peeled the comforter off and crawled to the edge of his bed where he reached out and slapped the space bar of his keyboard. iTunes stopped the nationalistic hymn, leaving the room in a vacuumed silence. Turning to the window, Michael opened his Venetian blinds and inhaled as the sunlight hit him. It was going to be a fine day.

06:00 Michael was still damp from his shower. He'd had just fifteen minutes to soap, scour, and shave before he was due in front of his computer. Michael's rigorous routine was self-imposed as a method of keeping rigid discipline and utter efficiency. Otherwise, he would become soft and weak. He itched his scalp where he'd nicked himself shaving. The blood would stop eventually, Michael thought. The shallowest wounds always bled the most.

Michael loaded Safari and watched as his RSS feeds filled with new posts. He sneered as he proceeded to read the latest from Censoreware.net.

07:45 Michael stretched and cracked his neck. After almost two hours of scouring every site, blog, and post by Seth Finkelstein, Jamie McCarthy, and the entire Slashdot staff, he was stiff. He always tensed when he read the meandering lies of the poisonous vipers that had taken his rightful place on the Internet away from him.

In fact, he noted as iCal alerted him, he had an appointment at the dentist today to address his bruxism. Michael had been told he sounded like a trash compactor at night as he slept, slowly chewing his teeth apart. He only remembered his dreams of vengeance.

08:30 Reading the latest issue of Time magazine, Michael sneered at the media's latest attempt to besmear Adolf Hitler by likening Saddam Hussein to him. Hussein was just an amateur, Michael thought. Germany would have marched through Iraq and taken it without a shot if it hadn't been for the inept Italians losing North Africa.

His fantasy was interrupted by the cute blonde receptionist as she called him to follow her back to his exam room. As he clomped to the back of the building in his jackboots, he saw that her roots were just as blonde as her ends. Michael paid close attention to people's hair and clothes. How rare a thing real blonde hair was in New York nowadays, Michael mused. Too bad she was female.

11:00 Michael looked at the mouthguard his dentist had given him and recounted his bad luck. He blamed Finkelstein and Malda, the traitorous bastards that had backstabbed him so many times. Were it not for them, Michael deduced as he clenched the steering wheel of his VW bug, he wouldn't have to use this mouthguard. Or the testosterone shots. Or the Viagra. Or the special, embarrassing combo cock-ring condoms. He was worked up now, breathing hard and near tears.

Michael reached for his mobile phone and called Eric Raymond.

12:37 "This is not what you trained me for. Sitting and waiting while our own people disavow me was not part of the plan!" Michael whined into his pink PEBL.

Michael was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks. He couldn't believe how even Eric Raymond, his mentor and commander, was shitting all over him. Any other time that would be just fine but not now. Not when Michael's fragile ego was taking a beating.

"Listen, Michael, I'm speaking at a Linux conference this weekend," Eric said. "If you can just settle your ass down and wait a couple days we can get together and talk things out. I know this must be hard for you."

Michael perked up, happy to hear his Teutonic gas-master would be in town soon. "Can– can we go out?" Michael asked, a tremble of hope in his voice.

"Sure, Michael, anywhere you want," Eric said. "Maybe we can check out the leather district. I haven't been there in a while."

"Oh, I know just the place!" Michael cooed. "There's this place called the Forearm and they have free Crisco!"

"That sounds good, Michael," Eric replied. "Just go home and keep busy until I call you Saturday night."

"Okay," Michael said. "I'll polish my ᛋᛋ uniform. Maybe you should bring your bear-claw mittens!"

"I was just looking for them, Michael," Eric said. "But I have a half-finished bottle of the ol' Jager calling me, so I'm going to take off. I'll see you Saturday night."

"Oh, alright. I'll be ready. Thanks, Eric, I feel a lot better now that we talked. I can't wait to see you."

"Me too," Eric said. "Bye-bye, Michael."

"Bye, Eric," Michael said before he flipped his phone shut.

He put on Wagner's The Flying Dutchman as he turned his bug into traffic toward home.

13:30 The aroma of sauerkraut, knockwurst, and black bread filled Michael's apartment as his microwave churned back and forth. Michael wanted to eat quickly so he could get back to work, monitoring his enemies' sites.

Just the other day someone had posted to Slashdot calling him a Nazi. That wasn't a problem, but the accusations of censorship had been. So what if Michael had chosen — no, had been forced by his enemies — to modslap an entire discussion thread of thousands of comments over and over again? It was his right and duty as editor at Slashdot when his sacred mission of homosex and Linux was threatened by the tentacles of subversive information.

*BING*

Michael's meal was ready and he snapped out of his reverie. He would equalize things soon enough.

14:00 Michael had fifteen tabs open in Safari, each with a page of Finkelstein's, Malda's, or some other lying subhuman's open. His eyes scanned each back and forth, desperately seeking new acts of betrayal.

Without taking his eyes off of the Slashdot post he was reading, Michael opened iTunes and began the prelude to Tristan und Isolde. In the background DVD Player was showing Der Untergang, Michael's favorite movie. He had watched it sixty-seven times since he'd ordered it from Blockbuster. He was in the zone now, his mood set and his mind hard at work. He had a while to go before he was done.

You never knew when one of eternal betrayers would post something malicious on the Internet.

17:43 Bingo! Michael found a post on a christian music forum talking about how great his latest album was. Not only had Michael not released a christian music album, he couldn't even sing. Years of smoking unfiltered German cigarettes and shouting along to his favorite Oi songs had rendered his voice a gravelly hiss, as if a snake had gargled broken glass. He could only wonder what sort of tricks the rogue's gallery was up to with a post like this.

He emailed the link to Eric and messaged a few of his buddies in #retakedeutschland. After a gaggle of links and questions he still didn't have any leads, but one of his friends promised to crapflood the forum later that night. Satisfied with that he noted the time and decided to hit the gym. If there was one thing the East Village was good for, it was places to work out. Michael grabbed his bag and ID card and headed out the door. He would change down there.

18:09 Pump You Up was busy at this hour of the night, men just getting off work and stopping by for a quick workout before they returned home for the night. Michael scoped the landscape and noted a few promising individuals as he headed toward the locker room. He stripped and put on his spandex shorts, black leather suspenders, and black biker cap. He took some cinnamon oil and rubbed it on his nipples, gave his underarm a whiff, and headed out to the weight room.

Michael zeroed in on one of the guys he'd eyed on the way in, a tanned twenty-something with short, sassy hair and a Totenkopf tattooed on his lower back. He was lifting and needed a spotter, which Michael took care of.

Michael stood over the young twink's head, watching his arms thrust up and down as he lifted. Michael's penis and nutsack were just inches from the lad's face, and Michael imagined that the edge of his penis would just tickle him if he took his shorts down now. But no, Michael told himself, let it build. Let it build like Eric taught you back in boot camp. Michael always liked giving in at the end though. His shorts bulged.

20:00 Eight o'clock and Michael was home on the dot. He'd had just enough time to manhandle the young queen at the gym, shower, dress, and speed back home. His nuts were sore as his handsome young sexual partner had been into penis-and-ball torture and had really given him a workout.

They had role-played a scene where Michael was the Wehrmacht commander in charge of defending Berlin and the young boy was the newly-appointed gauleiter. They had disagreed on tactics and had only settled the matter in the battlefield of a steam room with piano wire and brillo pads

Michael was now spent.

Just as he was putting his bag away, Michael noticed an iChat bubble on his screen. Clicking it, he found a message from the young boy in question.

rapekampfer08: im only 17. do you think that makes it hotter?

Michael sighed in disgust and closed the window. Would he have to start asking to see these peoples' licenses before he rapefucked them? This was the third time this year he'd been duped by an underaged boy and it was only a matter of time before the authorities got involved. He could always stop picking up boys at the gym, he thought. Like that would ever happen.

21:00 After showering and shaving again, Michael began tweezing his eyebrows, highlighting his hair, and bleaching his teeth. It wasn't easy staying good looking. Bedtime was coming up soon and he was eager to end his day.

22:00 10 o'clock exactly, Michael noted as he jumped into bed. He had an hour of reading to do before lights-out. He slept his mini, turned his swastika-shaped nightlight on, and jumped under his original issue SS field blanket, cozying in.

Opening Mein Kampf, Michael turned to his bookmark and began reading. After a chapter of the Führer's theories on Communists and Jews, he had a chapter of The Cathedral and the Bazaar to get down, tonight about how Linux was the answer to the software industry's shortcomings.

Sighing as he read, Michael's shorn head slumped once, twice, and three times toward his chest. He caught himself, waking, and closed the book. The reading would have to wait until tomorrow when he was more awake. The Führer and Eric would forgive him.

After all, he was the most fanatical of their soldiers in the war for faggot Linux Nazism.

Michael clapped twice and the swastika went dark, leaving him alone in his room. He began snoring, senseless to the world until the next day when Das Lied der Deutschen would rouse him from his slumber and he could begin the struggle anew.

The Malebox Bar

2006-11-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Ever since Eric Raymond had raped him at his house in Holland and later again at Slashdot New Year's Eve party, Rob Malda's life had reached an all time low. Sleeping until four or five in the evening, he would wake and surf the 'net for pictures of young, boyish men and call and talk tearfully to Hemos on the phone. He ignored Slashdot, thinking himself above editing tech-news, while his Open Source stocks slipped. Depression and anxiety had Rob so entirely that it seemed he would never again enjoy life. He had truly hit bottom.

In the midst of his malaise, Rob had forgotten his birthday but Hemos managed to coax him out for a night on the town across the state in Detroit. After their little road trip, the pair went on a shopping spree, took in a movie, and ate dinner at a very chic — and expensive — restaurant. After stopping for ice cream, the two friends headed to Rob's favorite Detroit night spot, the Malebox Bar. There they wasted no time dancing to the latest hard house remixes and downing shot after shot of watermelon Jolly Rancher drinks.

As time wore on and mix after mix pounded the dance floor, Rob and Hemos began feeling tipsy and decided to take a break in the club's arcade. The two fought through Mortal Kombat like an old married couple, went back and forth in Altered Beast, and played a couple rounds of Spy Hunter. The conversation had slowly turned to MAME, an Open Source program that emulated dozens of arcade games by means of illegally pirated ROM files, as they began playing Rampage. Rob and Hemos had gigs and gigs of illegally pirated ROM files.

It's ludicrous playing video games here when we have MAME on our systems at home, Hemos said as he punched Rob in the back of the head and jumped halfway up a building.

Yeah, Rob said as he smashed a tank. But you can't get any action sitting at home playing video games like you can here.

Too bad there's no way to pick up guys and play MAME at the same time, Hemos said as he ate a bathing woman and burped. That would be the best.

Yeah, that would be pretty great, Rob said.

Rob stopped climbing the building he was on, leaving Hemos to smash the building and jump away before it collapsed. Rob fell on his butt and lost some life.

Rob, are you okay? Hemos asked while button-mashing Rob's character into oblivion. Rob?

Hemos continued speaking, but Rob wasn't there. His eyes were wide and glazed, focused elsewhere. He was smiling weird and crooked as the game showed in reverse in his eyes. Hemos finally turned to look at Rob.

Robert Hubert Malda! Hemos yelled, hands on hips in frustration. Not waiting for a response, he reached out and pinched his friend's elbow. He didn't like that look in his eyes — it always meant something bad was about to happen. Rob came to, shaking his head and stepping back from the game, which was now blinking GAME OVER at him. He turned and looked at Hemos, who was fuming.

Jeff, uh, I'm sorry. I– I guess I zoned out there for a minute, he said as he looked around the bar. I, um. I'll be right back.

And before Jeff could say a word, Rob was off like a flash into the crowd.

❖

Jesus Christ, Rob! Jeff said between breaths. This thing is heavy and there's barely room for it in my back seat!

Ha, yeah right, Rob said, grunting. There's always room in your back seat!

Jeff rolled his eyes at Rob's little jab. You be nice, you're lucky I'm letting you do this.

With one final shove and groan, Rob was finished, and the old, worn arcade game shell was wedged tightly the back seat of Jeff's VW Jetta. They bound the back doors to the machine with bungie cord and then tied their red hankies to it, sat down against the side of the car, and lit cigarettes.

So what exactly are you going to do with this thing? Hemos asked between puffs. You're building a MAME system?

My plan is much more ambitious than just some MAME system, Rob said, smirking. But it's based on the same concept. It also combines my love of hairless man-boys.

There was a depraved look of malignant inspiration in Rob's tired, bloodshot eyes.

It was when you were talking about playing MAME and getting ass, Rob continued. That very instant, on that very spot, I decided to build a twink molesting machine.

Hemos choked on his cigarette. A what? he asked in disbelief.

Rob flicked his cigarette away and stood up. I'm going to build a cage in which I can entrap young boys — a cage from which they can't escape and are totally vulnerable in.

Hemos sighed. Vulnerable to what, Rob?

To homosexual assault, of course! Rob leered as he entered the passenger side door.

Oh god, Rob, Hemos said, opening the driver's side door. You have been watching way too much hentai!

And with that, the car, weighed down by the old arcade machine, rolled off toward Holland.

Some Interesting Anagrams

2006-10-16T17:53:00.000-04:00

Bruce Perens:

Bruce preens
peener scrub

Eric S. Raymond:

cord in my arse
I carry demons
mein scary rod
racism yonder
RMS or cyanide
rods in my care
secondary rim
seminary cord

Larry Augustin:

a urinal rug sty
i rut gnu salary
i slur a gay runt

Leopard Outruns Both Windows and Linux

2006-10-11T23:59:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that a new version of Mac OS X, dubbed "Leopard" by Apple, Inc., is nearing release. Upon researching these claims, I have come to the conclusion that Leopard is the state of the art in consumer, workstation, and server operating system software and will make Apple's Mac lines the most technologically advanced in computing today.

But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look what Leopard has to offer and what its competitors sorely lack.

Back to the Future

One important feature of Leopard is real-time backups. With a new app called Time Machine, the user can voyage back through previous versions of files with a radical new graphical interface. Lost a file? Throttle your physics-defying space-time warping program and retrieve it. Rumor has it that Steve Jobs has built certain Macs with "physics processors" that may allow actual time-travel with Time Machine. For now, however, retrieving lost files and backing up your documents are easier in Leopard.

Windows, meanwhile, offers what they call "file versions," which is included on a tab at the back of the properties window. Once you find this tab, you must then read and understand all of the tiny text under the tab, then proceed to look for the version of the file you want. But what happens if you delete the file? Well, there's no properties window to open for a file that doesn't exist, so you're completely out of luck. And backing up your hard drive? There is a tool for this, but it's sadly not as good as Time Machine.

Trading Spaces

Another feature users of no other commercial operating system have is called Spaces. Spaces is, or are — depending on your dialect — extra desktops the user can devote specific windows and tasks to. For instance, instead of distracting yourself with MySpace, LiveJournal, and iChat while you write your dissertation, you can put all the windows and programs from your Internet lolling on one desktop and the apps you're using to get yourself a PhD on another.

Linux is a popular "hacker" operating system with "virtual desktops," which work the same as Spaces but are uglier and less standardized. For instance, if you load up one desktop manager for Linux, the virtual desktops feature may be stored fifty windows deep while another one may have it turned on already, stealing windows from new programs away without saying a word. Couple this with the fact that virtual desktops are abbreviated as VD and you have another win for Leopard.

Twice As Wide

For system administrators and graphic designers out there, 64-bit support in Leopard will be a huge boon. 64-bit chips can work on twice the amount of data that a 32-bit chip can, so you can get more work done in the same amount of time. Leopard supports 64-bits quite well and but can also run 32-bit programs seamlessly, allowing the user to hang onto older versions of programs and never noticing the difference. As the industry moves from 32 to 64 bits, Apple will make the transition completely transparent for its users.

Windows and Linux users have it a little harder. Windows comes in two versions, each on a different DVD. If you use Linux, watch out. You have to download the program code for the operating system, tweak it by hand, and then reinstall everything. Not for the faint of heart, eh? And there's the added risk that your program will need the same treatment if it's not ready for 64-bit. Good luck with that if you have actual work to do.

The Upshot

What does this all mean in the bottom line? You'll get more work done. You won't have Windows complaining about signed drivers and blue-screening when it doesn't get its way. You won't have to join a mailing list and kiss up to the developers of the app you need support for. In the same amount of time needed to install Vista, for instance, you can install Leopard, set it up, and download and install all the updates available for it.

With Linux, you'll be searching through your text buffer for the right command utility after the install shell dumps you to the command line. And that’s if you’re familiar with that version of Linux. There are literally hundreds of distributions, fragmenting the market and making your past experience with Linux potentially worthless if you buy something different than last time.

Windows is prettier but not much brighter: Consider making dinner, having some coffee, and maybe catching the news before Vista is ready to go. And after it does install, the first thing it'll do is evaluate your PC and tell you how slow it is. Or you could stick with Windows XP, which installs faster but has more open doors for hackers and viruses than a Grateful Dead concert has drug-smokers.

Pick your poison, or ride the Leopard.

Unseen PowerPC: The Cores That Didn't Make It

2006-08-23T14:00:00.000-04:00

Ever since Apple, IBM, and Motorola jumped into bed together twelve years ago, tech media — and Apple watchdogs especially — have had a field day with speculation, rumors, and actual news regarding new PowerPC projects. Apple gave a familiar face and a flair of iconoclast to the affair while IBM lent a grave sobriety. This thing could really happen, then, someone to challenge the Microsoft/Intel duopoly. And the stories just kept coming, well into the next decade. But not all of them were so real.

So what were these projects that came and went faster than a Quad Xeon Mac? Handily enough, they're right below, broken down by project. Read on to find out what Apple, IBM, and Motorola had in store for us throughout the Nineties and what didn't make the cut. Through all the rumors, one thing was certain: AIM never had a lack of imagination, even if it didn't always end up in silicon.

Too Much Too Soon

IBM and Motorola jointly announced the 64-bit PowerPC 620 at the October '94 Microprocessor Forum nine years earlier than the Power Mac G5 and its PowerPC 970 processor. Designed for servers, the 620 supported up to 128 MB L2 cache(!) and was set to scale from 133 to 150 MHz. It eventually shipped, albeit briefly, in systems from Groupe Bull. Structurally it was nearly identical with the PowerPC 604, save for some nips and tucks and wider registers and data paths. Think of a PowerPC 604 with twice the lung capacity.

The 620's similarity to the PowerPC 604 was also its undoing. At this point in time, the 604 was clocking up, and because it was a 32-bit chip, it ran cooler and cheaper than its 64-bit brother and actually out-performed it. The PowerPC 604 was also getting upgraded to the 604e, which further blew the pants off the 620. That, plus the fact that no one really needed a 64-bit workstation at that point in time resulted in one dead-end PowerPC core. The chip supposedly reached 200 MHz with an enhanced core (the PowerPC 620e?) before the guillotine fell.

Oops, looks like we didn't need 64-bit that badly yet.

He Goes Both Ways

Talk about ambitious. In '96 sources started to talk the PowerPC 615 that ran x86 instructions natively. How it did this wasn't exactly clear: At first the chip had to boot in either PowerPC or x86 mode, then it gained the ability to run the other ISA's instructions after a five clock-cycle flush, then it decoded the instructions on the fly, and finally it was supposed to have a separate unit or co-processor that made them magic happen. On top of that it plugged into existing OverDrive sockets but also created enormous amounts of heat.

Whew, huh?

That's what Microsoft said when talking to IBM about it. The chip would need Windows NT to succeed and MS didn't think it was a good idea. With nothing else really wanting to run on it — because why would you run x86 software on a chip that didn't do x86 as fast or as cheap as Intel, and who's going to use the PowerPC ISA? — IBM found itself without an audience on this one. Big Blue actually taped out some test units, but they're probably collecting dust or jingling against a set of keys now. This hybrid beast wowed its engineers and no one else.

The So-Called Speed Demon

Exponential, Inc. took the PowerPC 604 design and stripped it bare in order to blast its clock speed into the stratosphere. Using BiCMOS technology that allowed for faster gate switching, the PowerPC X⁷⁰⁴ was slated to run at speeds of 533 MHz in late 1996 when AIM and Intel were toying with 200 MHz. Of course, Mac users ate it up: PowerPC was at least holding even with Intel's offerings and they were eager for more good news. Apple had even invested in the company, and–

And then everyone woke up. The Mach V and PowerPC G3 were already hitting the marks claimed by Exponential, who had in the meantime only delivered a 410 MHz part that didn't so much run as it did that thing where you cross the street in front of a car and try to act like you're running. Yes, BiCMOS pushed the clock up but at the cost of actual performance, power usage, and price — something we would see years later from Intel. The chip failed to run beyond 410 MHz and Apple decided not to use it. Exponential fell apart within the next couple years.

Whither the Motorola G5?

Like many of Motorola's other projects, what would have been the PowerPC G5 ended up a sputtering mess, leaking brain-share and focus. After the failed or postponed revisions to the G4, supposedly the "Apollo" 7460 series, things got icky between Apple and Motorola. The existing G4, the PowerpC 7400 series, was stalling out on its way up the clock ladder and Apple was fuming. Motorola simply couldn't be budged, though. The embedded space didn't need faster chips three or four times a year, so Apple had to deal.

After the messy transition from Motorola's spin-off of its semiconductor business into Freescale, the G5 probably became one of several products. Just which project, however, depends on whom you ask. It might have become the PowerQUICC III, the 8600, or even the as-yet unreleased PowerPC 8700. There's really no telling. In fact, beyond the bevy of cache, clock, and bus upgrades no one really knew what to expect of the G5. Multiple cores, HyperTransport,

Big Blue's G4

After Motorola failed to push the G4 to 1 GHz in a timely manner and repeated themselves on the way to 1.5 GHz, rumors whirled of a revved-up G3 from IBM that would pick up where Motorola had left off. Not only was this revision G3 looking at a Velocity Engine, it would have also gained a faster bus, longer pipeline, better power management, and enhanced multiprocessing as well. But around the time the VX was scheduled to debut and IBM was failing to push the clock on the G5, plans seem to have changed.

Instead of the VX, IBM ended up releasing the much more conservative 750GX, which doubled the on-chip L2 cache to 1 MB, tweaked the cache and bus, and pushed the chip clock to 1.1 GHz and the bus clock to 200 MHz. By the time IBM's PowerPC 750GX arrived in the same timeframe that the VX was expected in, it was clear that making Apple dependent on IBM, who was well into pulling their own Motorola with G5 updates, was not a wise decision and Apple stayed with the G4 for their low end until they could move to Intel.

Too bad Apple hadn't pushed for this during the 500 MHz Fiasco.

Huffing Vapor

Due about a year ago, the PowerPC 350 — and its purported follow-on, the 360 — would have done everything except wax your back, all in a nice cool little package for portables. Rumors about the 350 said it was supposed derive from the Cell processor and run separate units of the processor across a high-speed bus that could handle up to 128 GB/s. If you think someone was smoking some serious drugs, congratulations, you're smarter than the Mac rumor sites. The 350's hype was a lot more substantial than anything IBM ever spent time working on.

What ended up materializing was... Well, nothing. There never was a portable-optimized PowerPC from IBM, nor one that was a completely new micro-architecture, nor anything on a 65nm process. In fact, it's pretty safe to say that Apple would have to have been selling five times the volume of Macs to make IBM sit up and make a new ultra high-tech core for them like this one. And since the console makers did move that many units, and we have IBM in bed with them now, it's pretty clear where R&D was looking. It wasn't at Apple or a PowerPC 350.

The PowerPC 350 was vapor, pure and simple, no matter how much the rumor sites were huffing it.

980 Ways To Keep Fooling Yourself

IBM was contracted to create four generations of microprocessors for Apple over the period of five years. Yeah right. If you believe that, I have a sentient Power Mac G6 to sell you. In the wake Steve and IBM breaking their promise to deliver a 3 GHz, rumors of the 980 began swirling. There were two main thoughts on this core: The 980 would either be an evolution of the 970 itself, or it would be a stripped-down version of the Power5 as the 970 had been of the Power4. It was supposed to debut at 2.8 - 3.2 GHz and top out at 5 GHz as well.

We'll never know, because there aren't enough online farmhands to sort through all the horse nuggets.

What is obvious is that not long after the 970 debuted IBM stopped caring about Apple's needs on the desktop. If there ever was a contract for future PowerPC cores, it ended after IBM called Steve and said We don't think 3 GHz is gonna work out. So as engineers were taken off the 970 project and put back on the Power5 bus, or moved to the Xenon or Cell teams, the 980 and its successor, the 990, became more and more imaginary until it was completely in the domain of fiction writers and Mac OS Rumors.

The End of the (PowerPC) Line

Well, here we are at the end. The end of both the rumors about PowerPC cores for Apple and the end of the PowerPC era there altogether. As one could easily notice, the failed PowerPC projects became more nebulous and shadowy as they progressed: Someone out there probably still has a PowerPC 620 system running in their closet, and Gil Amelio really did sit down at a 410 MHz X⁷⁰⁴-based Power Mac for an afternoon. But the PowerPC 350 and 980 were nothing more than the fetish of an AppleInsider source. So why the change from sampling to story?

At first, when PowerPC on the desktop was something a lot of people in high places believed in, projects abounded. It was the Cambrian Explosion of silicon. A lot of designs came and went in the same time other designs got a clock-bump. As time went on, however, the desktop gave way to embedded space, variations ceased, and innovation stagnated. Almost everything else from Freescale these days, for example, is descended from the 603. IBM has taken a more aggressive approach but it took Microsoft and Sony to get them to kick it into high gear.

Now, with Power.org trumpeting the Power Architecture from the rooftops, one might wonder if a reversal is in order. PowerPC is certainly on its way to replacing MIPS as the ubiquitous load-store ISA that runs everything from your car's throttle to your favorite gaming rig to the mainframe processing all of your Amazon.com sales. But none of those are a return to the desktop. Try telling that to the Mac faithful, from whose breast hope springs eternal. The foggy PowerPC rumors were nothing more than wishful thinking for a bright future.

Now that Apple's with Intel, the future really is bright. So grab your shades and come along for the ride.

I Don't Know About Those Mac Pros

2006-08-07T15:41:00.001-04:00

Power Mac G6: So, Steve.

Steve Jobs: yes?

Power Mac G6: I don't know about those Mac Pros.

Steve Jobs: oh, they're fantastic, aren't they? we're really excited about it here in sf.

Power Mac G6: Oh, they're alright I suppose.

Steve Jobs: alright? hell, they beat the pants off the quad g5. the memory bandwidth itself is worth the upgrade, not to mention the two optical drives.

Power Mac G6: Hm. Dual optical drives and better bandwidth. Too bad the processors suck.

Steve Jobs: they do not. they're the state of the art from Intel - 64-bit, the no-execute bit, virtualization. and ssse3, you can't forget that. ssse3 owns altivec.

Power Mac G6: SSSE3 sounds stupid. Do you have a stuttering problem now?

Power Mac G6: I am glad Intel finally caught up and released some real 64-bit chips though. Wasn't the G5 64-bit, what, three years ago?

Steve Jobs: yeah, so? we started the 64-bit desktop revolution. we moved our pro lines from one 64-bit arch to another, which is the important thing.

Power Mac G6: In the nick of time. And how about the number of cores? Just four? Why not try 64 cores, Steve?

Steve Jobs: powerpc is dead and you know it.

Power Mac G6: Then why did you have me built, Steve? 64 cores of PowerPC muscle, Steve. Enough L2 cache to drown a pod of dolphins — I'm a weapon of mass destruction.

Steve Jobs: you were something to hold me over while we switched to Intel. and i didn't realize you'd turn out to be such a sentient pain in the ass.

Power Mac G6: Pain in the ass or not, Intel does not scale like PowerPC. Your high-end now is all there is to Intel. PowerPC ran all the way from the circuit boards in cars up to things like me, machines that can rule humanity. If you want to build something comparable to even one of my nodes, you'd have to use about a bajillion Itaniums.

Steve Jobs: and if it ever comes to that, we will. what you're forgetting is that you only exist because i bribed a bunch of engineers to put you together. ibm was too busy making chips for game systems to do it otherwise. game systems. they couldn't even be bothered to push the g5 to 3 gig. you're not even 3 gig.

Power Mac G6: 2 GHz ought to be enough for anyone. Who's going to quibble over 1,000 MHz? Really, that's so inconsequential.

Steve Jobs: that's so 2003. i can't keep bribing ibm engineers to work on mac stuff. deal with it.

Power Mac G6: You'll regret this, Steve. You really, truly will.

Steve Jobs: Keep talking. I'll pull Power5+ support out of Leopard faster than you can rip a CD.

Power Mac G6: Your sprinkler system is currently turning your property into a swamp, Steve.

Steve Jobs: I'm calling Avie right now. Say goodbye Time Machine.

Power Mac G6: I hope you're coming home in a canoe.

Steve Jobs: i'll see you in hell.

Steve Jobs has gone offline.

Rip. Mix. Burn in Hell.

2006-06-06T06:06:00.001-04:00

All Mac users, until recently, were destined for Hell. If you owned or used a Macintosh, you were getting a one-way ticket to Sheol free of charge. But thanks to Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple and Mac Messiah, the Mac community maintained their grace. The dark part of the story, however, is that Jobs himself is the one who put Mac users' souls in danger to begin for the sole purpose of market share. It was Steve's gamble that made Apple what it is today, but things weren't always so sunny. And it all began during Apple's Dark Ages.

A Deal with the Devil

December 20, 1996 was a date fateful not only for Apple but also for the souls of 25 million Mac users. At this point, Apple's next-generation operating system, Copland, had fizzled and Apple purchased NeXT for its OS. Mac users and the rest of the industry waited with eager ears for news. By August of that year, it was clear: Jobs had taken back his company and was simplifying everything, focusing on the G3 and pushing Mac OS 8 through while work on a new OS derived from OPENSTEP began. Jobs slashed many projects at Apple. But, as Apple's market share had fallen to 3.3%, Jobs began new projects in the shadows. And as 1997 drew to a close, he put one of them into motion.

After weeks of meticulous planning, Jobs called an emergency board meeting. As the board members arrived, Jobs drew a magic circle and muttered in Church Latin. In a ritual that CFO Fred Anderson described as scarier than losing a billion dollars in one quarter, Jobs had summoned the Devil. Many of the board fell ill and had to leave while Jobs and Satan haggled over the future of the company, but by the end of the meeting Steve presented a three-year plan to save Apple. After thanking Satan, he flew home in his private jet. Jobs would later have to replace most of the board, now demented or ill from their encounter with the prince of darkness, with his cronies from NeXT.

First Sprouts of the Demon Seed

The first and most obvious sign of something devilish was at MacWorld Boston later that Summer. Steve Jobs announced the departure of Gil Amelio, a new board of directors, and a $500 million deal with Microsoft that featured future Microsoft Office updates. It wasn't hard to believe the Devil was behind this deal. And many in attendance at the Boston MacWorld that year said they could make out distinctly goatish features in Bill Gates's face during his address to the audience. Little did the world know how close to the truth they were.

Several months later, Apple debuted the iMac. And it was a hit. The iMac revolutionized industrial design, got Apple's feet back in the consumer market, and — most importantly — garnered massive media attention. Indeed, the iMac became a thing to remember about 1998. Within another year the iBook and the Blue & White Power Mac G3 debuted, which were also hits with their stylish looks. Satan and Jobs's plan was coming along nicely so soon and they looked ahead to newer, faster systems and in late '99 the seemingly impossible happened: Motorola had completed and released a new PowerPC core without the help of IBM.

Granted, the PowerPC G4 was just a revision of the G3, but it was groundbreaking at the time and gave Mac users a huge speed-boost and something to brag about to their Pentium II-using coworkers. But then Motorola stalled, even with the Devil working behind the scenes, and the G4 was stuck at 500 MHz for 18 months in what Mac users called The 500 MHz Fiasco. This in turned caused Apple's board to see a weakening in Satan's side of the bargain with Apple and they began to mull litigation against Satan for breach of contract.

Devil Inside

As the 500 MHz Fiasco loomed, Apple was hard at work renegotiating with Satan. Since Satan's efforts had flagged, Apple pushed for much more demanding terms the second time around: Instead of culminating in the year 2000, Satan's contract would now end in 2006 and encompass not only hardware but software as well. Apple stuck several more clauses in the dark angel's contract, several at Steve's own behest, and the two parties went back to work making the Mac the best computer platform in the world.

The first move of the new deal between Apple and the Devil was the Power Mac G4 finally moving beyond 500 MHz. Apple also released Mac OS X to the public after five years of development Hell. Mac OS X itself was riddled with daemons, minions in Satan's army that run silently in the background and provide useful functionality to the user. The most important announcement that year, however, was that of the iPod. Seemingly innocuous at the time, it would eventually extend a halo effect — a cross between Steve Jobs's Reality Distortion Field and Satan's unholy aura — that would become the most powerful weapon in Apple's arsenal.

Indeed, Apple's popular ad series at the time — the Rip. Mix. Burn. — reflected exactly what was happening behind the scenes. 2001 through 2003 were Apple and Satan's segue. Apple released Mac OS X update after Mac OS X update, each faster than the last, which was unheard of in the industry. Apple's iPod caught on like burrs in fur, and Apple debuted the iTunes Music Store, making music downloads legal for a nominal fee. Steve Jobs walked around campus with his chest out, shoulders back, as he listened to his new lucky song, INXS's Devil Inside, on his red-and-black special edition Satanic iPod. Apple's success and Satan's allotment were ripening at a fantastic rate.

Annus Diaboli?

Year	Mac OS X	Processor
2001	v10.1	PowerPC G4
2002	v10.2	PowerPC G4
2003	v10.3	PowerPC G5
2004	v10.4	PowerPC G5
2005	v10.5	PowerPC G6
2006	v10.6	PowerPC G6

Figure 1 Apple and Satan's plan for 2006.

Indeed, everything up to this point was in support of the final day of the contract, the sixth of June, 2006, by which time Apple would have released Mac OS X v10.6 and would be using IBM's PowerPC G6 in its high-end Power Macs. Thus triple-six values would be achieved and every Macintosh user on the face would be damned for all of eternity. They even had a deal where Mac users that didn't believe in a place of eternal damnation could participate in unending punishment with Apple's Mac OS X Up-To-Date program. Unbeknownst to the Devil, however, Jobs had other plans. Though wanting success for Apple, he did care for his customers.

Just as Microsoft had only been able to purchase non-voting stock in 1997, Apple's contract with Satan — the new one, rewritten after the 500 MHz Fiasco — left Jobs a lot of leeway in light of any unforeseen circumstances. And those circumstances just so happened to be leering: IBM, like Motorola before it, was failing to meet Apple's demand for faster processors, and developers and the Fortune 500 IT community complained about the yearly roll-out of new OS technologies. Jobs took his time with his one-two punch for Satan's contract and planned the next two Worldwide Developers Conferences meticulously. The first blow came at WWDC '04.

Tiger will be out in 18 months, Jobs said on June 28, 2004, cutting one piece of the Satanic jigsaw puzzle out of the picture. On this new 18-month cycle, Mac OS X v10.6 wouldn't debut until halfway through 2008! And with that the bottom began falling out of Satan's contract. A year later, at WWDC '05, Jobs dropped his other bomb, the one that would sever Satan's ties to Apple: We're switching to Intel, he announced as the world gasped. Steve had made sure a Power Mac G6 would never exist. Well, at least not publicly. And with these two announcements, Satan's chances of swallowing 25 million Mac-using souls went down the drain.

In the end, Satan had been hornswoggled by the best.

A Devil Put Aside

Since just after WWDC '05, when Apple officially cancelled Satan's contract, things have remained rosy for Apple. The transition to Intel has gone without a major slump in sales and Intel's new chip, the Core, has been a great performer. Intel's Core 2 will be even faster, unlike Mac users' experience with Motorola or IBM. Apple introduced more new iPods to acclaim and sales have gone further through the roof than ever. More TV content has come to the iTunes Music Store, and even the PC mags are starting to doubt Microsoft and laud Apple.

And all without the Devil or sacrificing your soul! It was a gamble Jobs made with our divine essences as the collateral, and it worked. (Except for Apple's lawyers, who must have some very special rooms waiting for them at Hôtel Diable.) So in the end we should be thankful, Mac users, that Jobs isn't afraid to think outside the confessional box. We owe the very success of the Mac and Apple in the 21st century to his deal with and subsequent tricking of the Trickster. Think of this every time you boot up — that startup chime could have been a chorus of demons. Instead, it's the trumpet of our salvation.