Pangolo Junction

Chopping Belleful

2008-04-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

(Max and Nat listen as Zack expostulates over some matter that is obviously agitating him.)

Zack: ...and when she put the food in front of me, the eba was only three quarters of its usual size!

Nat: Come on, Zack. Your wife is a financially prudent woman. I'm sure that if she served you a smaller amount of eba, then there must have been a good reason.

Zack: Well, the gari seller told her that farmers have had a special order for their cassava elsewhere, so they are selling it there and this has created something of a scarcity so that prices have jumped by fifty percent. They say that once the order has been fulfilled, prices will return to normal - but we know how temporary price rises have a habit of becoming permanent.

Nat: Fifty percent? That's nothing. At the local buka that I eat at during lunch time, the madam imposed a unilateral one hundred percent increase across the board for all meals. Of course, all her patrons - including me - protested, but she said that for the last few months, she has been suffering the rising cost of raw food alone while sparing us the pain. But she went on to say the pain has become too much to bear alone - and it must now be shared by us all.

Max: A hundred percent? You should count yourself lucky. At my regular eatery, Delico, prices have jumped by two hundred and fifty percent! And to add insult to injury, they have not just increased the prices, they have also simultaneously reduced the portions as well! Honestly, if things continue like this, I'm seriously considering looking elsewhere...

Zack (contemptuously): You're just making noise. I've been telling you for years that that place is just for people with more money than sense. What they charge for a small glass of water is enough to buy a meal to fill you for the entire day at Nat's buka.

Nat (grinning): But as Max will tell you, the place has (mimes Max's voice) claaaaass. I don't think Max would be able to impress the kinds of ladies and clients he chases if he took them to Mama Risikat's joint. (To Max) So don't come looking to us for sympathy if you want to waste your money on things like the decor of the place or the neat uniforms of the waiters instead of the actual food.

Max (airily waving aside the teasing): There are enough classy eateries in this town - I don't have to be chained to just this one. But we were talking about your domestic crisis, Zack. I'm sure you put your foot down and told Lizzy that this travesty would not stand, eh?

Zack (shrugging): I did, but honestly my heart was not in it. I just did it to fulfil the 'Man of the House' script - but even she could see that I was going through the motions, and she just kept on staring at me with this 'when-you-have-finished-making-noise-let-me-know because-I-have-other-things-to-do-elsewhere' look. In the end, I just tailed off. What would the point have been, anyway? I know that she wasn't lying.

Nat (shaking his head): It's really scary. I was reading an article about this the other day, and apparently unlike before, high food prices are no longer just a Naija problem - it's happening everywhere now. Even people abroad are beginning to feel the effect.

Zack (scornfully): About time, too! Now they'll have an idea how we suffer here - perhaps it'll make them less arrogant and condescending towards us.

Nat: Come on, Zack. The magnitude of suffering can never be the same. To people in the West, high food prices are an irritation, an inconvenience. To people here, they are the difference between eating or not eating in a day. So I think they're still far away from having an idea of what high food prices are like here. But back to the article - it said that the price rises were being caused by increased demand from people in emerging economies like China and India. The richer people in these countries have become, the more food they've been able to buy, and the higher this has pushed prices.

Zack: This is why we should grow our own food. That we don't have to depend on what happens in the rest of the world.

Max: Well, by saying that growing our food will solve the problems of high food prices, you're making a lot of assumptions. Who exactly is going to grow this food? Is it peasant farmers who own most of the agricultural land but who don't have the technology to help them boost crop yields? Is it big business who would rather go into less risky ventures with high return like importing and exporting? And even if everyone rushed into farming, why should they sell their food here cheaply when they can make more money by exporting it?

Zack: There's no reason why the government can't sponsor research into high yield food varieties and make available the result of its research to farmers to use. The government can also make banks set aside some money to be lent to agricultural ventures. And government can place a ban on exporting food to prevent food scarcity.

Nat: Hmm... these solutions of yours worry me, especially because of this word 'government' which seems to recur with alarming regularity.

Max (mockingly): Exactly! Why don't you just call upon a host of angels to descend from Heaven and take charge of your programme? after all, they are more likely to respond to your prayer than this government is to implement any of your ideas. (Holds up a hand) And no, don't give me your usual answer that your policies would work if we had 'a serious and committed government' - for once, could you come up with some ideas that would work with the corrupt and irresponsible government that we actually do have?

Zack (irritated): All right, what would you propose?

Max (amused): Me? Propose a solution? There's no need. The matter will resolve itself in the end. Sooner or later, some smart people will recognise that there's money to be made from going into agriculture, and before you know it you'll find lots of money being poured into agricultural ventures.

Nat: I think you're being over-optimistic. First of all, it's not as if you can just walk off the street and grab as much land as you want. Remember that discussion we had about the crazy way the government manages land? That's a major disincentive for anyone going into the farming - you never know who is going to show up waving documents, or worse still, machetes, and saying that you should get off the land!

And that's not all. Even if you are able to get ahold of land, you have to deal with the pervasive lack of infrastructure. It's all well and good growing your own crops, but you'll have a difficult time getting them to market over poorly maintained roads.

Zack: And that's not all. Farming is still seen by many people as 'bush' - who wants to be consigned into the back of beyond when you can be wining and dining with the rich and powerful in the big cities? It's not even as if you can just start making money straightaway - you not only have to pray that the weather doesn't disappoint, you also have to hope that locusts, weaver birds and other pests don't regard your farm as one vast open-air bukateria.

Nat: But the kicker is that farming is getting to be quite a technology intensive business - and that's expensive technology! Fertiliser, herbicides, pesticides, machinery, storage facilities - these don't come cheap, you know. And the price of all these are usually beyond the reach of the average peasant farmer.

Max (waving dismissively): You guys are barking up the wrong tree. The kind of farming I'm talking about is not the hoe and cutlass kind of venture. I'm talking about big agribusinesses that will farm square kilometres of land. They'll be so big that they'll use political clout to get whatever land they want. If they can't influence the government to build infrastructure, they can build it themselves - and likewise, they can also afford the technology that is needed to get high yields on farms. And as to attracting people away from the cities, there's nothing like the smell of money to attract the right kind of person. After all, not everyone likes the city with its crime and congestion.

Nat (wagging a finger at Max): I think you are underestimating how difficult it is to get land in Nigeria. Those hoe and cutlass farmers that you mock have a deep emotional attachment to their land... they would need to be starving before they sold it to anyone. And there's only so much so-called free land that the government can allocate before the big business will need to deal with these farmers. I think a better idea would be to encourage peasant farmers to form co-operatives so that they could negotiate for better deals for getting farm equipment and technology.

Zack: But is it a good idea to rely so heavily on imported technology, anyway? What is the point of replacing dependence on the West for food with dependence on the West for technology if we want to be self-sufficient?

Nat: Well Zack, there's no way we can feed Nigeria based on the old slash-and-burn methods alone any more - we're going to have to use some technology. But it doesn't mean we can't be developing our own technology for higher yields at the same time.

Zack: But what about other things? I thought you were the one complaining a while ago about the use of fertiliser - that it had a negative impact on the soil?

Nat (smiling): I'm sure I said excessive fertiliser usage was the problem. There's nothing wrong with fertiliser usage - but you know how our people are like. If you tell them that one bag of fertiliser will increase yields by fifty percent, they compute that ten bags will increase yields by five hundred percent.

Max: Anyway, fertiliser usage may be a thing of the past soon. I hear that some mad scientists abroad are hard at work making all kinds of seeds that can grow anywhere. Even if you put them into hard concrete, they have some special qualities that allow them to extract the nutrients.

Zack (incredulously): Really?

Max (keeping a straight face): Oh yes! Not only that, the crops yielded by such plants will be in unbelievably large quantities! Yams as big as a sack of gari! Tomatoes as big as melons! Bananas as big as a man's forearm! It'll revolutionise farming for ever!

Zack (suspiciously): Are you serious? How long will it take for these seeds to be available?

Max: They are currently putting finishing touches to the seeds. They want to add a certain amount of intelligence to the plants that will grow from them so that when the farmer cries out 'Harvest time!', the plants will drop their fruits neatly into bowls that are held underneath them.

(Max looks at Zack's outraged face as he realises that Max has been teasing him, and he dissolves into laughter, with Nat joining in.)

Nat (choking down his laughter): Don't mind Max. He is kind of right, though - there really are companies that are working on genetically modifying crops so that they have special qualities, like being resistant to insects or having higher yields. But I'm not entirely convinced that they are a good idea.

Zack: Why not?

Nat: Well, as I recall, the process involves directly modifying the genes which are responsible for giving the plants its characteristics instead of allowing these genes to evolve by cross breeding, as has been done for centuries. I don't know whether there may be some side-effects to doing this - should we be messing around with God's work anyhow?

Max (indignantly): Nonsense! You see something that could help to end hunger, and you're worried about messing around with Nature? Isn't that what we've been doing for a long time now? Don't you think it's unnatural for us to take artificial medicine to cure illnesses instead of allowing Nature to take its course and finish us off with germs? Besides, it is essentially the same process that occurs in cross-breeding, except that the scientists will know exactly what qualities they want instead of using trial-and-error as happens with cross-breeding.

Nat: This is different. With medicine, if something goes wrong with a drug, it can easily be recalled. But once modified genes are out there in the wild, if we find out that there's a problem, what happens then? I'm not against the technology... I just think that we should tread with caution, that's all.

Zack (in a gloomy tone): I'm still not sure that this will be the answer. After all, the technology is still imported. Won't it still translate to a higher cost of farming and of food as a whole?

Max: Not necessarily. You can import manufacturing equipment to make shoes that are cheaper than any shoe in the market, even if the equipment costs millions to import from abroad. And it's possible that one day, the technology will become as widely understood as plant crossbreeding, so it won't need to be imported.

Nat: I admit that if the technology can be proven to be safe, then the possibilities are endless. (Dreamily) We could develop special varieties of yam that are soft and easy to pound... or varieties of tomato which practically taste like cooked stew so that you don't have to spend time cooking them... or blue beans shaped like little cubes...

Zack: Stop o! You're beginning to frighten me. Why would you want blue beans?

Nat: Why not? After all, you have white beans and red beans. Why not blue beans?

Zack: We're talking about food here, not some kind of fashion parade. If I saw blue beans on my plate, I would think that something terrible had happened in the kitchen. I don't want people performing all kinds of frivolity on the food I eat.

Max: Anyway, the day when this technology makes food so cheap is still some way off. So it looks like we'll have to do without chopping belleful in the meantime. Have you figured out what you're going to do about your reduced meals, then?

Zack: I don't know yet - but I have a friend who has a few plots of land outside town which he currently hasn't developed yet. I'll talk to him about leasing some of the plots so that we can grow food on them. Then I'll tell Lizzy about this and strategically place a cutlass and hoe next to her cooking utensils.

Nat (incredulously): You mean that on top of the all the work she does, you want her to do some farming too? You might want to think about blunting the cutlass that you give her, in case she is tempted to use it on you!

A Load Of Rubbish

2008-04-09T01:47:00.000-07:00

(Zack walks into the Junction to observe Moses berating the owner, Philo, and the rest of the Junction patrons, including Max and Nat, looking on.)

Moses: ...and you seriously say you aren't going to do anything about it? That is an abdication of responsibility! You are behaving like a typical power-drunk Nigerian!

Philo (shrugging): If it bothers you so much, I can give you a bucket and shovel and you can deal with it yourself.

Max (grinning): Yeah, Moses! Put your muscles where your mouth is!

Moses (raising his voice louder): It is not my responsibility to deal with the state of your environs, and you know that. Left to me, you should be sued for negligence of duty. Anyway, I will not stay a moment longer in your shameful establishment - I am going elsewhere where the owner cares more about the state of his premises. Good day! (And with a bitter expression on his face, Moses shuffles out of the Junction, leaving Zack staring after him in bewilderment.)

Zack (making his way to the table that Max and Nat are sitting at): What was all that about? I know that Philo can upset most people with his don't-care attitude, and I know that Moses is a perennial complainer, but this evening seemed to bring out the worst in both of them.

(In response, Nat motions Zack to stand up, leads him all the way to the back of the bar, and points out of the window to a huge pile of rubbish.)

Zack (scratching his head): How did that happen?

Nat: Well, from what I can gather, there was a party or some sort of celebration held at the Junction yesterday, and this is the result. Apparently, the party organisers said they'd be happy to clear the rubbish, but as you know, Philo is a man who never lets an opportunity to make money pass him by. So he has asked for the party organisers to wait until those people who scavenge for rubbish have first come round and picked whatever can be recycled.

Zack (outraged): Really? How come nobody else is complaining?

Max (shrugging): What's the big deal? It's his backyard, and the rubbish is only there for a short while - it will be cleared eventually.

Zack (disgusted): And while its there, his patrons - the people who his business depends on - must endure the sight of this dump. He should have put the rubbish in containers away from the public view.

Max (innocently): If you are so heated up about this, why don't you complain about the heaps of rubbish that the government allows to lie around in public?

Zack: Who told you that I haven't complained about the heaps of rubbish on the road? I think it is a terrible thing that the government allows garbage to pile up in public without doing anything about it.

Max (raising his eyes to the ceiling and scratching his head as though pondering a great mystery): Hmm... what a pity that the government ministry responsible for ensuring hygiene and public health isn't doing anything about it. (Turns to Nat) Brother Nathaniel, isn't it terrible that government civil servants employed in the State Ministry of Health seem only to be able to complain about the problem instead of taking action? What a pity that complaints alone are not enough to shift rubbish.

Nat (grinning): As you say, Max, it is a great pity!

Zack (embarrassed on realising he has walked into a trap): OK, that's enough of the indirect attacks! My ministry has launched no less than three campaigns in the last year directed at sensitising the public to the need to maintain a neat environment. Is it our fault that nobody pays any attention?

Max: Perhaps the fault is less in the people and more in the campaigns. Did we not talk about this the last time when I suggested ways of getting people to pay attention to the threat of malaria?

Nat: Anyway, it doesn't matter. Even if people cleaned up their environs, there would still be a problem. Look at the programme that the state government launched recently - 'Operation War On Rubbish' - where residents have to clean their neighbourhood every second Saturday of the month.

Max (annoyed): Don't talk to me about that programme. A complete waste of time in our area. Nobody does anything, and it just messes up my weekend schedule because I can't go out until it's finished. I hope that's not your brainchild, Zack.

Nat (nodding): Me too. Anyway, In our neighbourhood, we dutifully clean everywhere and collect the piles of rubbish in one place for the government refuse disposal lorries to collect them. Of course, the lorries never come, and the rubbish is usually dispersed to the four winds.

Zack (defensively): You can't expect the government to do everything, now. Why not help the government by arranging for a private refuse disposal lorry to carry the rubbish away?

Nat (hotly): What! Are you serious? It's bad enough that the government is messing up our weekends and burdening us with the task of cleaning our environment. But you seriously expect us to start paying to have our rubbish removed as well?

Max (enjoying himself): This is a truly momentous moment. Not only am I witnessing Zack - the arch government critic - defending the government, but he is also proposing a solution that involves the private sector making money. So you don't mind if these private refuse disposal lorries exploit the citizens, as you're always accusing we businessmen of doing, eh?

Zack (irritated): All right, I agree that it's not an ideal solution. If you don't like that, you could always burn the refuse.

Nat (shaking his head vehemently): Burn it? No way! You need to see some of the dubious-looking containers that we sometimes collect as rubbish. Only God knows what the contents of those containers are. And only God knows what would happen if we burnt them - if we were lucky to avoid an explosion, we would probably be tear-gassed out of our houses!

Zack (throwing his hands up in surrender): All right o! I admit it - I am the person who has been going round dumping and scattering rubbish all over town. Oya, do your worst - crucify me, if you like. Are you happy now? Is that what your ears have been itching to hear?

Max (grinning): That's better, Zack. The sight of you desperately digging yourself deeper into a hole in a futile attempt to avoid losing an argument is a most unbecoming spectacle.

Zack: Government action or no government action, I still can't understand how you can sit back and relax while that pile of rubbish remains out there. (Points to the heap in the backyard.)

Max (shrugging): I'm not saying it's ideal - but I'm so used to seeing rubbish in public spaces that I just regard it as a natural part of the landscape and it doesn't bother me that much.

Zack: Really? So you don't worry about the germs that are breeding in rubbish heaps finding their way to you?

Max: Not really - I don't go looking for trouble with germs. I'm careful about what I eat and drink and I usually stay as far as possible from garbage dumps, so I should be OK. Anyway, what's this paranoia about rubbish all of a sudden? If rubbish was as toxic as you're making out, then from the amount of rubbish that's left lying around, we would all have been dead a long time ago!

Nat: See, you're behaving like most people who take a short-sighted attitude to the problem. Because rubbish doesn't directly threaten their livelihood or safety, they assume there's nothing to worry about. Then when the problem is out of control and there's a health epidemic, it will be too late to do anything. Being careful about what you eat and drink and where you go won't be any use then, because the disease will be so widely spread that someone near you will be likely to have it and pass it on to you.

Zack: Exactly! And because people are so used to seeing rubbish around the place, they don't feel any guilt about throwing away their rubbish in public instead of taking it with them as they should.

Max: Come on, Zack! How can you expect people to carry their rubbish with them? What if I've just eaten a juicy mango - you expect me to carry around the messy seed and skin with me? That's just too inconvenient!

Nat (pensively): You have a point. Perhaps the solution would be to have waste bins, like they do in developed countries.

Max (shaking his head): Bad idea. Vandals would end up stripping so much material from the bins that what would be left would only be fit for - guess what - rubbish. And even if the government managed to make the bins out of some indestructible material or fitted them with devices that gave a would-be vandal an electric shock, it still wouldn't matter. Faced with a choice between going all the way to the end of the road to drop a scrap of paper and dropping it where they are, most people would definitely choose the latter.

Zack: You guys are making too many excuses for anti-social behaviour. Those people who you are saying don't want to carry their rubbish with them - I tell you, they would suddenly discover how rubbish and their personal effects can co-exist peacefully in one bag if they knew a hefty fine was awaiting them for littering. Look at what happens in Singapore - they impose very heavy fines for littering, and it works!

Max (with a wry smile): Zaaaaaack... you know what will happen if they introduce a similar litter law here now, don't you? Rather than turning the town into a spotless paradise, it'll breed a host of law-enforcement agents who are never around when the likes of Chief Onitiri are dumping truckloads of rubbish in the main road but who emerge from the shadows just as you are flicking an atom of dust from your shirt to impose punitive fines on you. And needless to say, such fines are not destined to end up anywhere near a government treasury.

Nat: Perhaps we're looking at this from the wrong angle. Rather than trying to fix the problem of accumulation of waste, it would be better to even prevent waste from being created. For example, instead of throwing things away, we should find a way of reusing them.

Zack (scornfully): You're preaching to the wrong congregation - that's a message that you should direct to the West and our brethren in diaspora. Over there, they throw appliances away just because they've been given an almost invisible scratch or because a new model has come out. Over herenew we use, reuse and re-reuse until even the electrician is sick of seeing us and we have squeezed the last atom of use out of the appliance.

Nat: Hmm... you have a point.

Zack: I haven't even talked about how they waste wrapping material. The other day, someone sent me some software from abroad. When I receive the package, it was in a big box. I opened the box, and buried underneath so many layers of wrapping paper and foam was one ordinary CD. I was bitterly disappointed - I was thinking that this must be one powerful software package to come in such a big box! If I had bought the package at the local computer market, all they would have given me would have just been the CD in the case.

Max: It's all about marketing, Zack. Whether you like it or not, if you had seen the CD in its nakedness side by side with the shiny pretty box, you know that you would have picked the box. Even you admit that you thought it would be powerful software.

(Just then, a truck pulls up, and a man jumps out followed by several boys. The man enters the Junction, spies Philo and after greetings are exchanged, they engage in conversation.)

Max: Ah - those must be the garbage collectors who've come to pick up Philo's rubbish. Which gives me an idea - one way out of this problem of litter could simply be to get people to see that not throwing rubbish away was good for their wallet. They could do something like what Philo is doing and collect all their rubbish so that they could sell it back to people who want to reuse it. I'm sure that all that plastic that goes into making pyo-wota wrappers could be put to good use instead of blocking gutters and causing floods.

Nat: The problem is that the reward of keeping all that material does not justify the amount of energy and hassle it takes. If you collected a thousand wrappers, I'm doubtful if you would get more than N100 for your labour - and that's not enough to encourage even people who are desperate for money. I think it's great if people want to recycle their rubbish - but I'm afraid that money is not as good a motivator as the desire to prevent unnecessary wastage.

(There is a sudden shout of anger and the man who entered the Junction a few minutes ago can be heard cursing and shouting abuse at Philo, who just stares impassively back. The man then storms out of the bar, hastily followed by his retinue of boys.)

Max (ruefully): Well, looks like you were right, Nat - it seems it is hard to get a good price for rubbish in this part of the world. I sense Philo was hoping for way too much for his pile of precious garbage - so it looks like we'll be stuck with this view for a while.

Zack (in a determined voice): No way am I going to endure this site for an indefinite period. I think I need to make one or two phone calls to my people in the Ministry and drop them a hint of a certain bar proprietor who is violating state hygiene laws. (Picks up his phone and starts dialling.)

Nat (smiling): I guess being in the Ministry of Health can have its drawbacks when your friends joke about its poor performance... but it does have its occasional perks!

Crossfire

2008-03-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

(Zack and Max are whiling away time in the Junction when a flustered Nat bursts through the door.)

Nat (apologetically): Sorry, guys! I was held up by our Security Manager. Apparently, the bank is worried about the recent upsurge of armed robberies and they want to educate us on what actions to take to prevent this from happening, as well as informing us on what to do when a robbery is in progress.

Max (amused): What else can you do when a robbery is in progress other than do what the robbers tell you to do?

Nat: Well, the manager said that we should not try to do anything dramatic in order not to endanger our lives. However, his focus was more on how we could prevent such robberies from being successful.

Zack: What did he say you could do?

Nat (smiling and shaking his head): Sorry - they only thing I can tell you of what he said is that we shouldn't divulge the bank's security policies.

Max: Aha! But since the non-divulgence of bank security policy is also part of bank security policy, then you've already divulged bank security policy by divulging that you cannot divulge bank security policy! (Grinning) So you might as well tell us the rest...

Nat (still smiling and shaking his head): I didn't understand a word of what you just said there, so I shall hold to my policy of silence.

Zack: The bank would be better off petitioning the government to beef up the police force so that it would be more effective in tackling armed robbers.

Max (contemptuously): The police force? (Gives a long hiss.) Spending money on the police force to fix armed robbery is like pouring water into a leaky bucket, followed by a stream of acid to make the bucket even more leaky. The only way armed robbery will be stamped out in Nigeria is when people are given the right to defend themselves.

Zack (rolling his eyes): You've come again with this your mad idea of arming every single Nigerian. I thought we had already discussed this and decided it was unworkable?

Max (shaking his head vigorously): Uh-uh. You decided it was unworkable - I still think it's a great idea. Right now, when armed robbers approach your house, you have two options - bail out through the back window and hope they don't spot you, or wait and receive your punishment like an emasculated victim. Either way, your stuff is going to be stolen. However, if the government followed my suggestion and allowed everyone to own a gun, armed robbers would think twice before storming into people's houses.

Nat (sceptically): And you don't think that will escalate the problem? Before, when armed robbers came visiting, they would come with machetes. Now that they know to expect an armed response, they will come with rocket launchers!

Max (patiently): You need to understand the psychology of the armed robber. He is opportunistic in nature; he will only target the areas where he knows he will encounter least resistance. How many armed robbers do you find going to Aso Rock to try and rob the President? So when they see you fire back at them, they'll go and look elsewhere.

Nat: Well, the only reason armed robbers don't go to Aso Rock is because they know in advance that it will be too difficult for them. But they believe that Mr. Okon of Ubot Road will not have the resources or firepower to give them the same problem, so they will target that area.

Max: Eh, so after Mr. Okon and neighbours have welcomed them with several rounds of gunfire, the armed robbers will add Ubot Road to their list of areas to avoid, alongside Aso Rock and the Nigerian Army Headquarters.

Zack: I still don't agree. Nigerians are simply not used to fighting off criminals with guns. I'm sure there are many people who don't even know how to hold a gun - if they had to do battle with robbers, they would probably hold the gun with the barrel pointing towards themselves.

Nat: Plus the fact that guns are waaaay too dangerous to be left in houses where children can get ahold of them and treat them like playthings. Imagine the outcry if a young child was to be shot dead from such an accident!

Max (wagging an admonitory finger at Nat): Hey! I've warned you against using that cheap trick of using the image of dead or injured small children to win an argument. Progress cannot be halted just because a child will die. Instead, let natural selection take its course. Then eventually, the only children left alive will be the ones that are smart enough not to fool around with a gun and get their heads blown off - or better still, those who are smart enough to fool around with a gun without getting their heads blown off. These are the children that will grow up so comfortable with a gun that armed robbers will have to think twice about attacking their neighbourhoods.

Zack (vehemently): You're not serious at all! If we were to go by your natural selection idea, then there's no need to do anything at all! After all, armed robbers are the superior group - they deserve to remain the last people standing, since they are powerful enough to finish off all of us weaklings!

Max: No, they're not powerful - it's just that the government is stopping us from fighting back with our own guns, that's all.

Zack (sarcastically): Of course they're powerful! Imagine - even a whole government cannot stop them from getting guns. I say that we deserve to be exterminated by these superior beings! (Raising his voice) Come armed robbers, and kill all of us!

(There is a sudden silence as nearly everyone in the Junction turns and fixes the trio with hostile glares.)

A Patron (loudly and angrily): Zack, if you want to be killed by armed robbers, can you kindly leave this place first and then go to that place under the flyover before announcing your intention? Don't involve the rest of us - as tough as life is, we still want to enjoy it with our friends and families!

Zack (embarrassed): Jerry, abeg no vex. I was just telling a story of a friend who was challenging some armed robbers to a machine gun fight.

Jerry: The next time you tell your stories, please try and keep the volume down. You don't know who is listening these days!

(There are murmurs in agreement, and everyone returns to their business.)

Nat (worriedly): One day, this your loud voice really will put us in trouble! I'm sure you could have made your point in a less dramatic way.

Max (grinning): Zack - sarcasm really doesn't suit you. And you weren't even making a good point. I'm not campaigning for anarchy - all I'm saying is that if the government cannot defend its people, it should allow its people to defend themselves. What's wrong with that?

Nat: Well, first of all, think about this. Guns are rather expensive - so assuming that the government allows us all to have guns, and we are responsible enough to keep them locked away for only serious incidents, then ultimately, only areas with people rich enough to buy guns and ammunition will be able to put up enough of a fight to discourage armed robbers from visiting. But you think the armed robbers will see the futility of their current existence and turn to holy living? No way! They'll just turn to the poorer, less threatening areas to rob. So the problem won't go away - it'll just shift.

Max (dismissively): As long as it's no longer my problem, that's fine by me. At least I will serve as inspiration for the residents of other places that the armed robbers visit - if I could shift armed robbers away from my neighbourhood, they can, too! And to those who are too poor to afford a gun, well if they're too poor to afford a gun, they're probably too poor to have anything worth stealing anyway. Or they can always put up notices saying "Armed Robbers - Beware! We May Look Poor, But One Resident In This Neighbourhood Is a Gunsmith!"

Zack (disgustedly): Typically selfish! Anyway, unfortunately for you, the armed robber is as motivated by greed for money as he is by fear of the gun. In fact, I think that an armed robber is typically so recklessly optimistic that he won't even think about the danger of gunfire - he'll convince himself that he is such a superman that no bullet on earth can touch him. And if he can't convince himself through his self-confidence, then he'll convince himself using igbo or ogogoro. So having a gun is no guarantee that your neighbourhood will be free from armed robbers - the threat has to be so high and the reward so low that the armed robber will simply not consider it worth his while.

Nat (wearily): Why all this focus on firepower as a way of stopping crime? I'm sure that there are many other ways of deterring criminals that are not potentially lethal.

Zack (scornfully): Like what? Pleading with them? Telling them that their mothers will be angry with them? My friend, be serious - the only language these men of the underworld understand is force!

Max: Wait - Nat may have a point. You could warn the robbers that you have surrounded your house with powerful juju - for some reason, Nigerians seem fear juju more than they fear God. Or you could tell them that your house is infected with an incurable illness worse than AIDS that will cause their genitals to shrivel up and drop off. Nothing would terrify a red-blooded armed robber more than the prospect of his fellow robbers mocking him for his lack of 'equipment'.

Nat (smiling): Well, actually I was thinking of equipment like mace canisters which could immobilise robbers without killing them.

Zack (exasperatedly): Immobilise without killing? What's the point of that? How will that prevent future crimes when the robber regains mobility and resumes his robbery? I tell you, armed robbers are like cockroaches - they should be stamped to death and ground under with a heavy studded boot!

Max: Plus mace canisters have a rather limited range, and are no match for the firepower of the robbers. Face it - it's got to be crossfire if you want to engage with them. But I'm not as bloodthirsty as Zack - I don't care whether my gunfire frightens them away or kills them, as long as it keeps them away from my house.

Nat: But still, all this is just dealing with the symptoms rather than the actual root cause. There are few or no academic studies about what drives armed robbers in Nigeria to steal. Even in this discussion, we've been making assumptions about whether the robber is more driven by fear or greed. If we really understood the mind of the robber, we would not only have a better idea about how to respond to his attacks, but we would also know how to rehabilitate him.

Zack (furious): Rehabili-what? Nat, you are unbelievable! These... these vermin storm into a householder's property, steal everything he owns, injure the householder, rape his wife or daughters - and you want to rehabilitate them? (Looks at Nat suspiciously.) Or do you have armed robber confederates?

Nat: It's not about loving armed robbers - it's about viewing human life as sacred. You make a lot of noise about stamping on this and shooting at that, but when push comes to shove, if I gave you a gun and told you to kill an armed robber in cold blood, I'm not sure you would have the guts to do it. (Zack starts to protest, but Nat waves him down.) In addition, I would rather have a reformed armed robber who used his experience to help combat armed robbery than a dead armed robber who was no use to anyone.

Max (mischievously): Nat, you have a point. Perhaps this is a case of giving a dog a bad name. What if we actually showed armed robbers the love we have for them? When they came robbing, instead of barricading ourselves in, we could invite them in for a good meal of pounded yam and bitterleaf soup. We could ask them how the evening's robbing had gone so far, and how they planned to relax after it was all over.

(Zack explodes.)

Show love to armed robbers? Yes - I can see it now. (Loudly) Let's just invite all armed robbers to all our houses, and let's just tell them to take everything! EVERYTHING!!

(There is another cold silence in the Junction as everyone again turns to Zack with hostile glares.)

Max (whispering) Like I said, Zack, sarcasm really doesn't suit you!

I've Got The Power!

2008-03-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

(Max, Nat, Zack and Jonah are in the Junction chatting.)

Nat: So Jonah, what's the latest gist around town?

Jonah (with a wry smile): Oh, the usual. Rich men using their power to oppress poor men.

Max (eagerly): Oh? Is there a story you want to share?

Zack (disgustedly): Look at you. You can't even contain your pleasure at the prospect of hearing how poor people suffer.

Max (shrugging): Enough of the party political broadcast already! I'm just waiting for Jonah's gist. If you don't want to hear it, feel free to cover your ears. (To Jonah) Abeg, continue!

Jonah: Well... you guys have heard of Chief Kanganka O. Kanganka, right?

Nat (puzzled): "Chief"? I thought he was a Barrister?

Zack: No - he's a retired Air Vice Marshal.

Max (impatiently): Who cares? Maybe he's all three! Just continue, jo!

Jonah: Anyway, you guys also know Jamiu, right?

Nat (smiling): You mean Jamiu, "the Original Sufferhead"?

Jonah: Yeah. For some reason, he was at Express Bank today to conduct business. Don't ask me what - maybe his usual Demon of Bad Luck had been on holiday recently, and someone had sent him money.

Max (smirking): Given the guy's talent for attracting bad luck, it's more likely he was there to pay a hefty fine.

Jonah: Whatever. Anyway, he had been waiting all day at the bank for someone to attend to him - I think he wanted to process a special transaction and the bank needed the authorisation of some officer or other from another branch, but the officer was not on seat. Anyway, after many fruitless attempts, the teller had finally made contact with the officer to give the authorisation when the Chief entered.

Zack (contemptuously): I suppose he was ushered straight into one of those air-conditioned private rooms they reserve for dealing with big men.

Jonah: I guess he could have chosen that option, but - no. For some reason, he decided that he was going to use the services of the teller. Maybe it had something to do with the fact the teller was very young and very pretty - I don't know. Anyway, he marched to the counter and demanded that she serve him.

Zack (angrily): What!? That's outrageous! I hope the teller refused his request.

(Max lets out a bark of laughter.)

'Refused'? You must be joking! When a lowly teller has to choose between a big chief - who is probably pals with her MD - and a sufferhead like Jamiu, who do you think she will choose? Sometimes, I think that you live in a different continent.

Jonah: Unfortunately, Max is right. The teller curtly asked Jamiu to wait while she attended to the chief.

Nat: Didn't Jamiu complain?

Max (shaking his head): Come on, Nat - do you live in the same fantasy continent as Zack? When confronted with the magnificence, opulence and affluence of the Nigerian Big Man, what do expect the poor man to do? I'm sure he just accepted that as a poor man, it was his fate to be pushed to one side.

Jonah (smiling sadly): And I'm afraid that Max is right again. Jamiu murmured some words of complaint, but it was as though he had never existed. And to add insult to injury, the Chief wasn't even using his time to transact his business - he spent more of the time trying to chat up the teller.

Zack (shaking his head in disgust): Shame on him! Dirty old lecher!

Jonah: Well, the teller didn't look too unhappy at his attentions. Whether it was out of fear of being sacked for not playing ball, or out of the lust for naira, I don't know. Anyway, to crown it all, after wasting thirty minutes doing his business, the Chief left, and the teller announced that the bank was closing for the day - so Jamiu should come back tomorrow.

Nat (sympathetically): Poor Jamiu! It looks like his Demon was only taking a short break today.

Zack (angrily): This is the kind of behaviour that makes me wish that I was ruler of Nigeria. The first thing I would do would be to ban this kind of arrogant behaviour.

Max: Then it's a good thing you're not ruler. How can you start banning arrogance? That's arrogance in itself!

Nat (thoughtfully): Would you really want to use your power like that, Zack? That sounds rather frivolous.

Zack: Come on, you understand my point. What I mean is that I would use my powers for the benefit of the common man. If he was being oppressed, I would stand up for him.

Nat: OK, I'm curious, now. Supposing that your power wasn't just limited to ruling Nigeria. Supposing it was extended to making anyone do whatever you wanted. What would you do?

Max (covering his head as though the ceiling is about to fall in): Ah! If that happens, we're all done for! Zack will make us line up in queues like his hero, Idiagbon. He'll make us sing the National Anthem when we wake up and before we go to bed. He'll ban all foreign goods from the country. He'll outlaw parties and other social gatherings. In short, he'll turn Nigeria into one big, boring graveyard!

Zack: And what is so bad about having order in our lives? You like the disorganised state of affairs where rubbish is left on the streets and people drive anyhow?

Max: Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that other people don't like it. You just want to impose your way on everyone without consulting.

Nat: Come on, Zack. What would you really do if you had the power to make people do what you wanted?

Zack (musing): Well, I would make everyone obey the law for a start. Once people obey the law, ninety-nine percent of our problems would disappear. There would be no corruption, so money would be channelled into the infrastructure projects that it is meant for. And the security situation would improve, because there would be no armed robbers.

Jonah: What about the laws which may not be fair? You're always going on about the law that grants politicians prosecution from immunity - will that be one of the laws that you'll make people obey?

Zack: Er... no. I will go through the entire list of laws and change the ones which I think are unfair. Then I'll make people obey those.

Max (triumphantly): Aha! But how do you know whether a law is unfair or not? How can you decide by yourself? What if the law refers to something you have little knowledge of, like complex accounting procedures?

Zack (getting confused): Well... I will convene a National Conference to discuss all the laws so that the laws that I make people obey will be fair laws.

Max: But you can't say for sure that they will be fair for long. A law that was perfectly reasonable in 1908 would be completely archaic in 2008. What happens when the situation changes and your laws become outdated?

Jonah: Personally, I think you'll end up just making up the laws as you go along. What if they want to pass a law that works against you? I'm sure you'll find it hard to resist the temptation to change their minds. I think you'll just end up being power drunk.

Nat: Not only that - the problem with your approach is that it relies on force. So you would have to use your power all the time, because the temptation to break laws is always present. In the end, they'll just become dependent on you to make them do the right thing - and when you're no longer around, they'll just fall back to doing what they used to do.

Zack: Well, by the time I'm no longer there, they will have grown used to obeying the law.

Nat: Yes, but because they've never really been used to thinking about why they were obeying the law, they won't have the sense to figure out whether they should obey any new laws that are enacted. In other words, they'll just become a population of docile Jamius, ready to be used by the next dictator that comes along to do whatever he wants, instead of independent-minded people who can't be bullied around.

Jonah: What of you, Max? What would you do if you had the power to do what you wanted?

Max (grinning): Me? I don't have any plans to be a Messiah like Zack here. I would just use my powers for personal gain.

Zack (snorting in disgust): Typical!

Max (grinning even wider): Yes. I would play the stock market and make billions. I would then use these billions to live a lifestyle of luxury in which I would relax as my every whim was indulged.

Jonah: I think someone like you who is used to hustling for money would get bored very quickly with that lazy lifestyle.

Max (emphatically): Bored? No way! You'd be amazed at how much fun you can have with limitless wealth. For example, I could hold competitions in which people would compete for fantastic prize money - like Nigeria's Fattest Man, or Nigeria's Biggest Female Backside, or...

Nat (hurriedly): OK, I think we get the picture. What about you, Jonah? Would you get people to do what you wanted? Or would you just get naira to do what you wanted?

Jonah (modestly): Oh, I wouldn't do either. In fact, I wouldn't use the power unless I saw that it was an emergency case.

Nat: But what qualifies as an emergency case? Are we talking about life and death?

Jonah: That's it - just life and death.

Zack: So what about someone who is looting the treasury so that there's no money to build hospitals, and thousands die as a result? Would you intervene, then?

Jonah: Eh... yes, I guess so.

Max: What if someone was helping to rig this looter into office so that he could loot the treasury and cause deaths to thousands? Would you intervene?

Jonah: Er... I'm not sure... how do I know whether he would loot once in office?

Max: Come on! It looks like you've joined Zack and Nat on that fantasy continent. How can someone be rigged into office and not loot - or allow looting - to go on?

Jonah: Well, I don't want to intervene too much in people's affairs. I might end up being a dictator like Zack.

Zack: Well, what is the point of only intervening in one or two cases to save lives when millions more lives are being lost? If you are going to save lives, you might as well deal with the root cause, instead of attacking the symptoms.

Nat: You know, all this discussion has made me think that if I had this power, I would reject it completely. I think it's too dangerous to be in the hands of a single human being. In fact, better than that, I'd use the power just once. I'd use it to make everyone - including myself - incapable of using the power any longer.

(There are howls of protest from the other three.)

Nat: You can protest as much as you like. but I think it's wrong to seek to control your fellow human being. People should do what they do out of their own free will.

Zack (scornfully): I can just picture the scenario now. A man is being beaten up by area boys because he has refused to hand over his wallet. You pass by, and the man begs you to help him. But you respond by saying "I'm sorry, it would be wrong for me to prevent these hoodlums from exercising their free will". Thank heavens you don't run the police force!

Nat: Well, I would rather have a few innocent men beaten up by thugs because I didn't use my power than millions of innocent men enslaved by me after becoming intoxicated with power.

Jonah: You're not being fair. I don't think everyone is liable to become power drunk. In fact, the person who says he doesn't want the power because he fears becoming power drunk is a very good candidate to have the power. That's because they are aware of the terrible effect it could have if they misuse it. It's the same reason why you would rather let a mature adult drive a car than a teenager - the adult is aware that if it is driven badly, the car could kill someone.

Zack: I don't agree with you. Someone who doesn't want power may not know how to use it when he gets it. Look at Shagari - he had no vision, because he never thought that he would ever lead the country.

Jonah (shaking his head): It's not the same thing. You can be a perfectly good leader without having the power to compel people. In fact, you are a better leader if you can convince them to do what you want by persuasion rather than by force.

Max: So Nat, what Jonah is saying is that you should be crowned Emperor Nathaniel the First. But Jonah, don't you think it would be a good idea for Nat to have a Council of Ministers who have to vet his use of this arbitrary power? After all, despite his best intentions, if he becomes intoxicated, then they will be able to reign him in.

Nat (smiling): That's a good idea. I'll then use my power to make myself unable to control people, unless the Council approve. That way, I won't be able to use my power arbitrarily. In fact, this doesn't just apply to me - if anyone is going to be given a great deal of authority, whoever is giving them the authority should also provide a way to ensure that they don't abuse that authority.

Max: And of course, you need to make sure you choose the right people to be on this Council. Allow me to propose the Honourable Jonah Olaleye as the Minister of Gist. (Makes a bow to Jonah.) His responsibility will be to advise you on which sweet stories you should make people spread or not spread.

Jonah (beaming): Thank you, sir!

Max: Then, allow me to nominate the Honourable Zachariah Kwashi as the Minister of Fire and Brimstone. (Grins and makes a bow to Zack, who looks at him disdainfully.) His responsibility will to advise... no sorry, coerce you on which areas to inflict maximum damage through various means - including, but not limited to Fire, Explosives, Lightning, Flood, Napalm, Nuclear Strikes and other Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Zack: Well don't expect me to nominate you in return. After all, there can be no room in the Council for a Minister of Shady and Dubious Deals or a Minister of Lookery.

Nat (rolling his eyes in despair): With all this bickering between two of you, I'm probably thinking that it may not be such a bad idea to assume absolute power after all. And you know what? The first thing I would do with it is to bind both of your mouths so that we could have some peace and quiet in the Junction!

The Cult of Culture

2008-02-22T02:29:00.000-08:00

(Nat and Zack are in the Junction chatting with a third man.)

Nat: So Chike, when are you going to see this exhibition? You sound so passionate about it.

Chike: I'm thinking of going down there this afternoon. I'm very impressed by Obadina's work - they say that he is one of the new wave of artists in Nigeria who is spearheading a new cultural renaissance in the nation. He blends a neo-classicist approach in the depiction of life forms with a realist use of imagery and vivid colour.

Zack (scratching his head): Erm... I'm sure that he must be very good if you say so. So... what are his pictures like?

Chike (in a slightly condescending tone): Zack, you can't just give a description of art like that. You have to experience it... to feel it... to be submerged in it. You have to take in the full visual drama as the various bold strokes and shades of colour engage and interact in a meaningful relationship...

(As Chike is talking, Max enters the Junction, smiling and whistling merrily to himself. As soon as he sees Chike, he stops whistling and rolls his eyes.)

Max (sighing): I see you have once again come to grace our humble abode, O Lord of High Culture. (in mock puzzlement) But what is this you are talking about? "Strokes of colour" being involved in extra-marital affairs with "shades of drama"? Is this a new soap opera or what?

(Chike turns to Max with a wry smile.)

Hello, Max. I can see that your mind remains impervious as ever to the subtle and refining influences of culture. I suppose that it's too much to expect from someone who worships Money as his god.

Max (shrugging): At least with money, I know where I stand. The rules are simple - the more you amass, the happier you are. But this culture that you're always going on and on about? It has no head or tail - we have to come to High Priests like you to educate us.

Nat: I don't think anyone needs Chike to tell them anything. He's enthusiastic about this new artist that he's just discovered, and he was sharing his passion with us, that's all.

Zack: And to be honest, the work he has shown us is quite good. Do you have that brochure, Chike? Show Max.

(Chike brings out a brochure with photos of some paintings and passes it to Max, who flips through the pages, pausing every now and then. He then hands the brochure back to Chike.)

Max: Very interesting... but rather dull, don't you think?

Zack (in astonishment): Dull? Can't you see that colourful picture of the woman cradling her child? Don't you think that's really artistic?

Nat: Or the painting of the sunset at the beach, as the fishermen pull in their catch for the day? Doesn't that take you back to a more carefree earlier age of innocence, when we didn't have all the problems of today?

Chike (gesturing): See, Max? Your friends get it - but as I keep on saying, you are too blinded by the pursuit of the pound and the dash for the dollar to see what I'm trying to tell you.

Max: Oh, I get it all right. I can see that these paintings are calculated - yes, that's the word - calculated to arouse feelings of patriotism and affection for our national culture. But (waves a dismissive hand across) they're all fake! Fake!!

Nat: What do you mean, fake? Explain yourself.

Max (scornfully): These kinds of paintings always dwell on these images of a time gone by, when our culture was relatively untouched by modern life and was supposedly much 'purer'. But who cares about those times? Why do we want to keep on living in the past? I'd like to see more contemporary images!

Nat (smiling): I think Max has a point. I like the paintings... but I think we've been conditioned to accept that there are certain kinds of paintings and sculpture that are culturally authentic in Nigeria. You know... the kind that show drummers, or dancers, or village life... that kind of thing.

Zack: And what is wrong with that? You don't disagree that all these things are part of our culture, do you?

Max (rolling his eyes): But are they the only aspects of our culture out there? I mean, our culture didn't stop in 1925, you know! What about paintings of an okada rider swerving on a potholed road in between two giant trailers? Or of a policeman receiving egunje? Or of people running helter-skelter in the middle of a torrential downpour? Or of goats looking for food in a rubbish dump? Now those I can relate to!

Chike (shaking his head): Those scenes you describe are too mundane. There is no great inspiration to be derived from gazing on a rubbish dump, or potholed roads. The artist seeks to celebrate that which lifts our spirit to the stars, not that which hurls it to the ground.

Max: And who are you to tell me where to get inspiration from? Some of my best ideas have come from looking at fowls and goats as they rummage around rubbish dumps. In fact, the scenes at the rubbish dump where people scavenge for recyclable material are a very suitable metaphor for the current state of Nigeria; wastage, poverty and resourcefulness in spite of it all.

Zack (scornfully): Huh! While most people are inspired by people like Nelson Mandela, monuments like the Statue of Liberty or ideals like Patriotism or Justice, you are inspired by rubbish dumps! Well at least that explains the worthlessness of the thoughts that you sometimes express here.

Nat: But don't dodge the question that Max has been asking since. Who is the final arbiter of culture? Why should I listen to you rather than Max?

Chike (drily): Well, I take more of an interest in these matters than Max. I follow the trends on which artists, cultural norms and styles of art are currently popular; I study exactly what medium these artists use to depict culture, and the motivation behind their work; I meet regularly with other people who follow these issues as well and we exchange information. So who would you trust more to give you an informed opinion on matters of art and culture?

Max: Chike, I'll allow that you are the expert when it comes to 'art'. In fact, you are the Holy Priest of the Religion of Art, complete with all its mumbo-jumbo about adultery between Mr. Red Colour and Mrs. Green Shade. But please do not try to make yourself a priest of a Cult of Culture. When it comes to Nigerian culture, I am infinitely more knowledgeable than you!

Zack: I don't believe that - you don't usually talk much about the various traditions and cultures of Nigeria.

Max: See? This is exactly what I've said already. You seem to have this strange idea that Culture is something special that is kept locked in a box, only to be brought out on special occasions, like when foreign dignitaries come visiting. You seem to feel that we need special experts like Chike to tell us all about culture. Well, you're wrong! Culture is not about holy artefacts - it's what we live, eat and breathe everyday! It's not just about the stereotypical images that the West have of Africa... it's about the good, the bad and the neutral events that we experience in our lives on a day-to-day basis.

Nat: Hmm... So - you're saying that Nigerian culture could include activities like eating in a bukateria? Or boarding a danfo bus? Or being disturbed by an itinerant medicine seller in the bus?

Max: Exactly! or arriving late at a wedding... ...or watching mechanics working in an open air workshop... ...or listening to the choir of generators as the soprano tuke-tuke 950 W generator sings along with the baritone diesel generator...

Nat: ...Or getting frustrated at the slow connection in a cybercafe filled with 419 boys... or being 'wedded' by a bus conductor to another passenger because there's no change for both of you... ...or buying groundnuts from a roadside seller to effect a quick 'divorce'...

Max: ...Or having power supply disrupted just as you're about to iron your clothes for tomorrow... or having the same power supply restored just as you're lying in bed being tormented by mosquitoes...

Nat: ...Or having church service extended by thirty minutes because the pastor had a special message to deliver... or seeing small boys make rams fight each other before being slain on Id-el-Kabir.

Chike: Well, these events may be part of culture - but as I said before, they aren't really worth celebrating in art.

Nat: This is what Max was accusing you of - trying to create a kind of separate High Culture from ordinary culture. Don't you know that by only celebrating the events that you consider special, you are cutting your art off from the masses? How is someone going to relate to an event which he rarely ever sees?

Zack: That's the whole point. There are many events that we rarely experience, but we still can relate to them. In fact, it is because we don't experience them frequently that we value them even more. And I think it's right that we should celebrate and value events that are special - just as we value clothes that we wear on special occasions too.

Max: Hmm... that gives me an idea... you say that the rarer the event, the more likely it is to be valued?

Zack: Er... what evil idea is about to enter your mind, now?

Max: Oh no, Brother Zachariah, this idea is not evil at all. In fact, I think you'll like it!

Nat: Oh go on, share.

Max: Chike, do you think it would be culturally authentic to produce a realistic painting of Ibrahim Babangida being chased by a pack of wild dogs who have succeeded in ripping the trousers of his babanriga outfit, but are still desperate for more? After all, this would be a very rare event, and I'm sure it would be very highly valued!

(Chike, Nat and Zack burst into laughter.)

Chike: I'm sure it would be highly valued, but I think that is too unserious to be regarded as worthy of an artistic subject.

Zack (vigorously): Nonsense! Since when did art have to be serious? Max, if you know anyone who has painted this picture, please let me know - I would definitely buy it.

Max: See? I knew you would like the idea. But why should I sell it to you when I can sell it to someone else for a much higher price?

Nat: Who do you have in mind?

Max: Babangida himself, of course! The alternative would be to have the picture displayed in a public gallery - not something I think he would be too happy about.

Zack: You know that this your idea has the whiff of blackmail about it.

Max (affronted): Blackmail? Moi? My friend, this is art! I am exploring several themes in this work; the raw expression of fear; the thrill of the chase; and the intense desire to sink teeth into a pair of juicy buttocks. In fact, I'm offended that you even think I'm capable of such a thing. All I would be doing would be giving Babangida the right of first refusal, since he is after all the subject of the work.

Chike (with a wry smile): You know you're not fooling anyone, Max. You really need to set aside this your obsession with money if you're going to learn to appreciate art and culture.

Nat: Speaking about cultural appreciation, you never did tell us when you were going to see this exhibition. Where is it holding again?

Chike: Oh, it's holding at the Excelsior Exhibition Centre.

Zack (suspiciously): Isn't that the centre where they usually charge a N5,000 for admission only? Where only really rich people usually go to for events?

Max (accusingly): And you were criticising me for being obsessed about money. I take it that your artist isn't planning to donate proceeds from his exhibition to the poor, is he? I think the words 'pot', 'kettle' and 'black pigment used in artwork' come to mind...

Intellectual Property Over Internet Protocol

2008-02-06T00:09:00.000-08:00

(Good evening. Wait - what's that you say? Well, it's evening here, so you'll just have to deal with that. Anyway, you join me, Atala Wala Wala as I eavesdrop from the rafters and listen into the goings on in the Junction...)

(Max and Nat are whiling away the time when Zack walks in clutching a packet.)

Max (beaming): Aha! Beta don land. Come on, Nat - get off that chair and let our good friend Zack be seated.

Nat (angrily): Why don't you get off your own chair if you care so much about Zack's welfare?

Zack (shaking his head): By the time two of you have resolved this battle, I will be dead of varicose veins from standing too long - so I'll get a chair from another table. (He dumps the packet on the table and goes looking for another chair. While he is gone, Max seizes the packet and tears it open.)

Nat (annoyed): What's the matter with you? Can't you wait? Zack isn't going to be too happy when he gets back!

Max (still unwrapping the packaging): Wow! That is great! I don't know how he's done it, but Zack has been able to get ahold of Harry Mosco's 'Country Boy'! (Sees Nat's look of utter incomprehension) Oh, you've probably never heard of him.

(Just then, Zack returns dragging a chair with him.)

Max: Hey, Brother Zachariah! (Waves the CD at him.) How did you manage this miracle?

(Zack's annoyance at seeing his package prematurely opened turns to smugness.)

Ah... well, Lizzy and myself were at this party last weekend, and there was this guy who was selling CDs from the olden days. I took a look at his collection, and I found this gem!

Nat (puzzled): But if it was from the olden days, how come it was available in CD format? Has it been reissued?

Max (dismissively): Who cares? All I'm interested in is that beta don land o!

Nat (irritated): Of course someone like you with the ethics of a rabid hyena wouldn't care! (Turns to Zack): So - how come the this album is available as a CD?

Zack: Mmm... I can't remember now, but I think the man said something about copying the music off a vinyl record and recording it onto a CD.

(Nat's expression turns to one of disapproval.)

I'm disappointed in you, Zack. How could you do this, especially when you're always preaching against corruption and stealing by our politicians?

Zack (surprised): What are you talking about? Who is stealing what?

Nat: You don't think that it's wrong to purchase stolen goods? Do you think it is right for the vendor you bought that CD from to make illegal copies of it?

Zack (still surprised): I don't know what you are talking about. Stealing is when I take from you so that instead of you having and me not having, I now have and you don't have. But in this case, the owners of Harry Mosco's music still have their music - so how can it be stealing?

Max: Exactly. What is your own business if someone is making a living selling stuff and nobody is complaining? Busybody!

Nat: It's still stealing, because you didn't get permission from the company with rights to the music before taking it.

Max (mockingly): So - what you are saying is that everytime that you use something that I own without asking me for my permission, you're stealing? In that case, I'm going to sue the living daylights out of you!

(Now it is Nat's turn to be surprised.)

Sue me for what? What are you talking about, Max? When did I ever use something of yours without permission?

Max (triumphantly): See - you just did it again!

Nat (in exasperation): OK, enough of your games! Explain what you are talking about or... (expression changing as he realises what Max is talking about) oh, I get it now. You're talking about your name, eh? (Max nods.) Come on - that's different. There's no way I can deprive you of income by using your name without your permission.

Zack: What are you talking about? Who is depriving the record company from making money? As I said - they still have the man's music, so they can sell it and make money if they want.

Max: But you know the funny thing? They aren't even selling the music any more - so why should they now try to block anyone from enjoying the music? That's the kind of dog-in-the-manger attitude that big businesses have!

Nat (smiling): That's a strange reaction coming from a businessman like you. But think about it this way. If the company allowed people to distribute its music because it wasn't selling it, the people would get too used to distributing that company's music. And before long, they would even start distributing music that the company was still selling! It's like allowing a squatter to set up a shack on your piece of land - before you know it, he starts parading himself as the owner of the land.

Zack: I still don't understand why you are making so much of a fuss about this. It's not as if the company are going round threatening people who use their music illegally. Who knows, maybe they even want to encourage people to distribute the music! After all, if I now start playing this CD, my neighbours will hear the music and ask me who Harry Mosco is. Then interest will develop and the company will be able to sell new copies of the record. So my purchase of the CD will actually be to their advantage!

Nat: That's just a self-serving argument. At the end of the day, it's still their music - only they have the right to decide how it should be used. Imagine if you bought a piece of land, but you didn't have the money to develop it right away. Let's say then that you left this land fallow for a few months. How would you feel if someone came along and said that you must allow him to sell it to you so that he could build houses on it to benefit everyone? Of course you wouldn't agree!

Zack: Well, I don't even agree that it is totally their music. Are you saying that they invented the instruments that were used in the song? Did they come up with the words used for the lyrics? What about the melody - they must have used do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do to make it, and who doesn't know about that?

Max: Exactly! As the Book of Ecclesiastes says in chapter 1, verse 9, "there is nothing new under the sun". Any so-called idea is really a clever rearrangement or combination of older ideas. And since many of those older ideas were got for free, how fair is it that we should pay for the new idea? As Jesus himself said in the Book of Matthew, chapter 10, verse 8, "Freely you were given; freely give".

Nat (amused): You don't fool me, Max. You're just supporting Zack because you're hoping to get a copy of the CD. I know that beneath this born-again bible-verse-spouting music-for-all attitude you're putting on, there lies the black evil heart of the profiteering exploiter that we know so well. (In a sceptical tone) So you're telling me that if you came up with a new song that people were crazy about, you would really be happy for them to make money off the sweat of your labour without lifting a finger?

Max: Ah - wait o! That's different, because they are trying to make money at the same time as I am trying to make money. As the originator of the song, I should be allowed a certain amount of time in which I am the only person who can make money from it. After that, well, anyone can try their luck with it - I'm not that greedy.

Zack (astonished): Max! You've just done a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn! Weren't you saying just now that no idea is new and we must freely give? How can you now be saying that you must have the exclusive right to profit from something that you got free?

Nat (chuckling): See? What Mosco has joined together, it looks like love of profits is about to rent asunder.

Max (smiling): There's no about-face at all. Of course the raw ingredients of the song are free - like the concept of rhythm, melody and so on. But there is creative work that goes into turning those raw ingredients into something that you and I can enjoy - that's my intellectual property, so it cannot be free. In fact, it's like cooking food. The value is not in the tomatoes, or the pepper, or the onions - it's in the culinary magic that the cook has used to turn all these into delicious stew. That's what you pay for, either in cash or in compliments.

Nat: Exactly! In fact, the problem with Nigeria is that many people are like Zack. They value concrete things, like machines or houses, but they don't value the more important abstract things, like the software that helped to design the machine... or the architect's plan that described the design of the house. So the creators of such abstract things are discouraged from producing them, and Nigeria becomes a place where we just end up imitating rather than originating.

Zack: All this big grammar that you are spouting makes no difference. The reality is that piracy is here to stay, and rather than preaching about abstract and concrete, you're better off learning to live with it. Look at the Nollywood movie makers - they have learnt to adjust they way they do business so that even though pirates make copies of their videos, they still manage to make money!

Nat: And you think that the movie makers are happy about it? Don't you think that it would be better if they received the money that the pirates are getting so that they could plough this back into making movies with higher technical quality?

Zack (sceptically): It makes no difference. They would just pocket the extra and continue to make more poor quality movies.

Max: But it's still their money, not yours - so they can do what they like with it.

Nat: Zack does have a point about the inevitability of piracy, though. In the olden days, most people had no choice but to buy CDs at exorbitant prices, because the technology to produce them was very expensive. Then the equipment to make CDs began to fall in price, and CD piracy increased. Now you don't even need CDs any more - you can just download songs, movies and software over the internet. My friend who is into these things calls this phenomenon '1'.

(Max and Zack look at him uncomprehendingly.)

Nat (smiling): You don't get it? OK, let me explain. Well, you know that software and music are intellectual property, right?

(Max and Zack nod.)

And you know that the one of the rules that power the internet is called 'Internet Protocol', right?

Zack (irritated): How are we supposed to know that?

Max (gesturing): Please continue.

Nat (enthusiastically): OK, so that means when download songs over the internet, you are transmitting intellectual property over internet protocol. Or if you like, you are sending IP over IP. And as you know, in mathematics, when you say something over something, you are dividing that thing by itself and you'll get 1. Therefore, IP over IP is 1!

(Max and Zack look even more confused than before.)

Zack (to Max): This must be one of those computer jokes that only ten people in the universe can understand, and only two can find funny.

Nat (flustered): OK, don't worry about it. The point is that piracy is so hard to stop that maybe the only solution is to offer people all the songs they want for download from the internet if they'll pay a fixed fee.

Zack: That's madness! The music companies will lose so much money, offering everything they have for just a small amount.

Max (musing): Mmm... maybe not. I remember that once when I went the UK on holiday, there was this restaurant I went to where they said that for ten pounds I could eat all I wanted. I thought "Ol' boy, awoof don' land" and I sat down and unbuckled my belt to expand my carrying capacity. You won't believe it, but after a few plates, I was full - in fact, I'm sure that if I had bought the plates I had eaten for the actual value, I wouldn't have spent up to ten pounds.

Nat: That's the point - people will get fed up downloading so much stuff when they realise they don't even have the time to listen to it. But they will like the service, because it will give them the choice to get whatever they want.

Zack: Well, your idea may work abroad - but here in Naija with unreliable internet connections and even more unreliable power supply, we're still some way off from that happening.

Max: Anyway, enough of all this talk - let's hear the CD. Philo has a battered CD player that we can test it on. (He gets the CD from Zack and walks over to the bar where Philo, the barman is serving drinks. After much pleading, Philo reluctantly agrees to hand over his CD player, and Max walks back triumphantly to the table holding the player aloft.)

Max: Zack - Oya, put it in - it has batteries, so don't worry. Nat, clean your ears out well, well - you're about to hear some good stuff!

(Zack puts the CD in, and presses the play button - and after a few moments, the melody of 'Country Boy' can be heard. But after a few seconds, the song begins to skip. Annoyed, Zack takes the CD out, looks at the underside and exclaims in horror.)

Oh, no! There's a nasty scratch underneath. How did that happen? This has completely destroyed the CD! (Turns angrily to Max) Who told you to open it? I'm sure you're the cause!

Max (defensively): Hey - don't blame me. You should know better than to buy pirated stuff that is of dubious quality.

Nat (chuckling again): Eh, Max - can you really be the same person who was not so long ago supporting the right of people to sell CDs as long as nobody is complaining? You're doing so many turnarounds tonight that you'll end up going almost as fast as that CD was going in the player!

Compliments and Complainments

2008-01-08T01:11:00.000-08:00

(Max and Nat are in the Junction chatting, when Zack walks in wearing a brand new pale blue shirt.)

Nat (turning admiringly towards Zack): Wow! That's a really nice shirt.

Zack (beaming): You think so? Lizzy got it for me as a gift. I'm not really into all this fashion stuff, so I am never really sure how these things look - but it seems that from the reaction I have got so far, I'm right to trust her in these matters.

(Max turns round to look, and rears back as though he has been stunned. Then he gives a wolf-whistle.)

Yes o, Zack - that shirt is fiiiiiiiiiine!

(Zack suddenly stops beaming and gives Max a suspicious glare.)

Zack: All right, what is your agenda?

Max (taken aback): Agenda? Agenda?? Here I am, your friend, complimenting you on your fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine new shirt, and you are accusing me of having an agenda??? (Raises his eyes to the heavens.) See me o, people! As our dear ex-president Obasanjo would say, I am being maligned, insulted and wrongly accused for trying to spread good cheer in the house!

Zack: Good cheer my withered toenail. Either you are being sarcastic, or you are trying to get something out of me. Is that how normal people give compliments?

Max (in mock sorrow, holding his hand to his chest as though he has been stabbed): Zack! How can you say such a thing? And to me - your twin brother who was separated from you at birth! (In mock indignation) Anyway, why aren't you attacking Nat? After all, he praised you too.

Nat (in a warning tone): Hey! Don't drag me into your wahala.

Zack: Anyway, Nat is different. He often compliments others - unlike you.

Max: Do you really think I don't compliment you enough?

Nat (grinning): I think it's a perception thing. The compliments you give him are buried under the insults that you throw at him.

Max (thoughtfully): Is that so? Well, as it is a new year, I hereby resolve in the presence of both of you and all the patrons present in the Junction that I will offer at least twelve compliments to Zachariah Kwashi on each occasion of meeting him.

Nat (shaking his head): I have a bad feeling about this.

Zack (waving a warning finger at Max): Look, I'm not interested in your so-called compliments! I survived quite happily without them before, and I will continue to survive without them.

Max (looking at Zack through half-closed eyes in a dreamy tone): Zack. Do you know, for the first time, I'm noticing the dazzling shine of your balding head. I find it captivating... alluring... how I never noticed it before is beyond me. Lizzy must be a very fortunate woman - imagine being the only person to experience the joy of caressing that smooth surface... (He gets no further as he is interrupted by an explosion of laughter followed by the sound of spluttering and choking as Nat struggles to clear his throat after some kunu has gone down the wrong way.)

Zack (beating Nat on the back to clear his passage): You can see why I would rather accept a curse from the Devil than from praise from you? Please keep your compliments to yourself - I don't understand why you have to be so malicious.

Nat (straightening up and clearing his throat): I don't see what your problem is, Zack. So you believe that Max can never ever be sincere in his praise towards you?

Zack: I would believe he was being sincere if he was serious. But he must always play the joker - so I have learnt not to believe him unless tears are coming from his eyes.

(Max turns to Nat.) Nat, that is a fine wristwatch you are wearing. I like the choice of leather - very solid, very... distinguished.

Nat (smiling): Thanks, Max.

Max (shouting out to Philo across the bar): Philo, your kunu is top-notch A-grade this evening. It's the kind of kunu that can make a man put a bullet in his brain because he knows that from now on, any other taste will always be a pale shadow of the real thing.

(Philo waves back in acknowledgment.)

Max (turning, smiling and gesturing to Zack): See? Compliments given... compliments accepted. My friend, paranoia does not become you.

Zack (grumbling): You're just doing this to prove a point. There have been times that you have been sarcastic and insincere in your praise towards Nat.

Nat: I don't think it's just Max. I think you tend to be suspicious of people's praises unless you know them.

Zack: Well, this is Nigeria. Everyone is always looking for something from someone. Don't you remember your cousin Peter who came some months ago to get money from us? See how full he was of praises. In fact, because of the way Nigerians use compliments, they have been completely devalued. For heaven's sake, we even pay people to praise us - how crazy is that?

Max: As long as the praiser and praisee are happy with that arrangement, I think it's very reasonable. In fact, it shows how valuable people consider praises. Would you pay for something that you didn't value?

Zack: But those aren't genuine praises - a real praise would come from the heart.

Max (scornfully): And who told you those praises aren't from the heart? Imagine - someone has just buttered your bread by spraying you with freshly minted thousand naira notes. How much more heartfelt can your praises of him be after that?

Nat: Come on, Max. Half those praise singers don't even know the person that they are praising. They just make up some generic praise that could apply to anyone. Real praise is all about something that applies to the individual. When you praised my watch, you were talking about something that I owned, not just anything. That showed me that you were paying attention to me, that you were really interested in me.

Max (shrugging): And you are now the final arbiter as to what is praise and what isn't? My friend, don't complicate the picture. If I say something to you and it makes you happy, that is praise. Full stop. Anyway, let us leave that topic for now - I want to deal with this knotty problem we have of Zack not believing that I am sincere when I compliment him. (A determined edge comes into Max's voice as he turns to Zack) In fact, none of us is going to leave the Junction until you are convinced beyond reasonable doubt that when I compliment you, I mean it!

(Zack leans back, and regards Max with interest.)

All right, go on - compliment me.

Max: OK, the problem here is that you aren't convinced that I am sincere. In other words, we have a credibility gap here.

Nat: So - how are you going to bridge this gap?

(Max and Nat ponder the situation for a while, while Zack looks on with a mixture of amusement and scorn.)

Nat: I've got it. Public praise is the answer. If someone doesn't like you but wants to praise you to get something off you, they will prefer to praise you in private. That way, other people won't think the person likes you - and that will suit the person, because he may not want people going round and saying "Look at that friend of Max". But if they like you, they don't mind telling everyone about it.

Zack (grinning): Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Oya, Max - start going from table to table singing my praises.

Max (shaking his head): No-o... that won't work. First of all, I don't think that Brother Zachariah really wants me to do this because it will convince him that I am sincere. I think that my personal embarassment is top on his agenda here. Besides, I want Zack to hear my praise - he can't do that if I'm going from table to table telling everyone else.

Zack (still grinning): Then stand on this table and shout your praises for me at the top of your voice! I promise you that I will hear you loud and clear.

Max (still shaking his head): No-o... that won't work. Think about it - if I stood on top of this table and screamed my praises for you at the top of my voice, everyone might think I was mad. And tell me - what will people think of a man that is being praised by a madman? No-o, we can't have that.

(Max and Nat ponder some more, and then Max exclaims.)

Max: OK, let's recap. The problem here is that you think I'm lying when I'm praising you. In other words, when I say 'black', you are convinced that I mean 'white'.

Zack: Exactly.

Max: And when I say 'good', what you really hear is 'bad', right?

Zack: Uh-huh.

Max: So all I have to do is to exploit the situation and offer reverse praises.

(A confused expression comes over Zack's face.)

Nat (with a widening grin): I think what Max means is that if he insults you, you will believe the opposite of what he is saying and conclude that he is praising you.

Max (smiling): Exactly, Nat. So Zack, do you think that a torrent of abuse will convince you of my sincerity?

Zack (gesturing in resignation): You see? A leopard can never change its spots. Insults, insults, insults - that's all you know.

Max (in mock exasperation): Man, you're a difficult man to please. (Gets up) Anyway, I have to be going. Business meeting, etcetera, etcetera. It's been great talking to you guys - although I don't exactly how to convey my feelings to you, Zack since you believe I'm lying when I'm telling you good things and I'm telling the truth when I'm telling you bad things. I'll see you guys around! (He waves and walks out.)

Nat: I think you were being a bit harsh on Max with his compliments about your shirt. I think sometimes it's better to give people the benefit of the doubt unless it is obviously clear that they are definitely out to insult you. Imagine - you go through life viewing everyone through suspicious eyes. How happy can that make you?

Zack: Come on - you can see how Max always is. He is always out to mock me.

(Just then, the national anthem is played as Zack's phone goes off. He picks it up.)

Lizzy - is that you?

Lizzy: Hello dear. Are you coming back soon? I want to know if I should get your food ready.

Zack: Yes, I'm returning soon. We were just having a discussion about that shirt that you got me.

Lizzy: Oh, did everyone like it?

Zack: Yes, except for Max. You know how he is - always sarcastic, always criticising.

(There are a few moments of silence at the other end.)

Lizzy: Well actually, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Max gave me the money to buy the shirt for you. In fact, he specifically pointed out the kind of shirt that he thought would look good on you.

(Zack is stunned. He then thanks Lizzy and rings off.)

Nat (noting the change in expression): Hey, Zack - is everything all right?

Zack (in a sombre tone): I think you're right. We often look to words to judge whether people really appreciate us... but we forget that most times, actions speak louder than words...

Just A Number

2007-12-09T01:48:00.000-08:00

(Nat and Zack are in the Junction, whiling away the time, when Max enters with a big grin on his face.)

Zack (suspiciously): What's making you so happy?

Max (affecting an affronted tone): Ah-ah! What's your problem? Can't a man sing and rejoice when he feels like? Isn't there enough bitterness, sadness and anger in the world that my happiness should be treasured by all like a ray of sunshine on a dark night?

Nat (amused): I don't know what kind of world you live in where the sun shines at night.

Max: Oh be quiet, you. Must you nitpick at everything?

Nat: Anyway, what is making you so happy?

Max (grinning even wider): I ran into Mad Dude on my way here. He says he'll be here shortly.

(Zack and Nat let out long groans.)

Zack: Why did you tell him we were here? I should have known - for you to be happy, it definitely has to mean that someone somewhere is being very unhappy. You know I can't stand the man when he starts behaving like he's some... what does he call himself... 'gangster'.

Max: Oh, come on, my friend! You are always grumbling about something or other. If you aren't careful, you'll become as bad as Moses. Anyway, the Dude is always good value for entertainment.

Zack: No - the guy is just an embarassment, plain and simple. He's one of those people who you keep a significant distance between when you are walking together in public so that you don't end up being guilty by association. And please don't call him 'Mad Dude' when you know that his name is really Ahmad - you're just encouraging him in his foolish fantasies.

Nat: And the worst thing about it is that he is completely oblivious to his embarassing behaviour. The more you point it out to him, the cooler he thinks he is. (Shakes his head, as though pondering a lost cause.)

(Just then, a middle-aged man wearing a baseball cap, several chains, a sweatshirt and very baggy jeans walks up to the trio with a very exaggerated side-to-side swaying motion. He stops and lets out a loud whoop as Zack shakes his head in dismay and Nat covers his face in embarrassment.)

The Man (in a loud voice): Wazzup, my main homies! Yo ma dogs, how's everyone hangin'?

Nat (sharply): Ahmad, will you just sit down and stop attracting attention! And for your information, I am a human being - not a dog!

Ahmad (turning to Nat): Zack, don't be down on a dude! Don't be hating a playa. (Turns to Zack who is still shaking his head) Zacky man, ma numba one nigga! How's it rollin'?

Zack (furious): Please do not call me a nigga! That is how when white people start insulting you with that word, you will start complaining.

(Ahmad looks at Zack, momentarily taken aback.Then he smiles.)

Ah, Zacky man, you're having a bad day! But that's OK... you're still my n... (he looks at the murder in Zack's eyes and hesitates) you're still my main dude.

Max (grinning): Don't mind them, Ahmad. They're just jealous because they aren't as cool as you.

(Ahmad beams, then turns to Max and engages in a complicated series of handshakes, fist touches and hand slaps, half of which miss their intended target. Then he pulls up a chair and sits down.)

Max: So Mad Dude, what's happening in your universe?

Ahmad (beaming): Yeah Max! You know I'm the number one guy, the guy that everyone wants a slice of, the numero uno...

Nat (wearily): Since we're going to have to listen to you go on and on about how wonderful you are, can we at least ask that you drop the fake street slang and communicate in the plain English that we know that you're capable of? Then you don't have to torture yourself to speak and torment us to listen.

Ahmad (slightly confused): Er... yeah. (Brightens up again). Yeah, life is good, my friends, life is very good. Like yesterday, I was at this night club... you know the one near the big roundabout...

Max: You mean Glitterspot.

Ahmad (noddding enthusiastically): Yeah, that's the one. The place was seriously bubbling... good music, good drinks and good looking women.

Zack (sarcastically): I suppose you are going to tell us that you were the cynosure of all eyes, then?

Ahmad (exclaiming): Of course! When I got down on the dance floor, everyone just cleared a space for me to show them my electric moves. And man, I really showed them... like this! (He abruptly gets up and starts shaking his body and flailing his arms and legs around to demonstrate his dancing. Max looks on in amusement, but the other two stare in utter disbelief.)

Max (clapping his hands): Excellent! Excellent! I especially like that move where you spin round and round with your arms stuck out! Really cool!

Ahmad (turning to Max and beaming): Thank you, my friend. That was one move I only just thought of a few days ago - I thought I would use it on this night out.

Nat: I would certainly say that your... er... dancing is... erm... very original and indvidualistic. It's definitely one in town - impossible for anyone to attempt to copy.

Ahmad: Of course, now! As a trendsetter, I have to be very creative with my moves - I can't just be copying some old steps that someone has already thought of. (He turns to Zack.) So - what do you think?

Zack (bluntly): If you think I'm going to lie or be diplomatic, you are very much mistaken. Your so-called dancing reminded me of someone who was being electrocuted by high voltage electricity. No co-ordination, no rhythm, nothing! I'm not surprised everyone cleared a space for you... who wants their eye taken out by an arm flung wildly in their direction?

Ahmad (shaking his head): OK, I can see you don't get that particular dance. Let me show you another of my moves. (He gets up to demonstrate, but Zack waves violently at him to sit down again.)

Zack: If you try any of those your alleged moves again, don't blame me when someone calls for an ambulance because they think you're having a fit!

Ahmad: I don't blame you. You know that your time passed twenty years ago, and you're just jealous because I can still get it on while all you can do is to look forward to your pension.

Nat (quickly interrupting Zack's response): So... how did they respond to your... er... moves?

Ahmad (smiling again): They absolutely loved it! They were laughing and pointing at me - I was virtually the centre of attention.

(Zack snorts in disgust and rolls his eyes, while Nat gapes in astonishment.)

Nat: They were laughing at you, and you thought they loved it? Ahmad, I'm sure you know that when people laugh and point at you, it means you are an object of ridicule, not an object of admiration.

Max: Nonsense! Did he say that they were laughing at him? He said they were laughing - full stop! Is it not possible to laugh with someone rather than laugh at them?

Ahmad: Exactly, Max! I see there's too much dissing going down here. Is it my fault if I'm so good?

Zack (with contempt): Look at you - a grown man deceiving himself that he is still young when all his mates have left their youthful exuberance behind them. Instead of behaving like a respectable grown up person that the youth can look up to, you are busy disgracing yourself amongst them. Do you seriously think that young boys and girls are going to accept you as one of their own and take your dress and dance style as gospel?

Ahmad (hotly): For sure! I mix with them, talk to them, play with them, dance with them... of course they will feel comfortable talking to me and listening to me. But for you, it seems that all you care about is 'respect'. You want them to call you 'sah', you want them to be quiet when you are talking to them, even though you are boring them to death, you want them make all those 'respectful' gestures even though they don't connect with you at all. I'm telling you, tomorrow if any of those youths has a problem, who do you think they will come to - you or me?

Nat: But do you have to go so overboard in trying to fit in? You know, it's still possible to be approachable and not do everything that young people do, if it's approachability you're looking for.

Ahmad (getting even more heated): Why can't you guys understand and accept that I actually like going out to place where young people go and doing what they do? Don't you know that age is just a number? Do you want to be one of those people who retire to their home village when they hit sixty, even though there is still plenty of energy in their bones? One of those people who says "Well, I would have loved to carry on doing what I'm doing, but if I carry on, everybody will say that I'm not conducting myself properly - so let me retire"?

Zack: That's completely false. Society has no problem with older people continuing to work, even when they are very old.

Max: I think you're missing the Dude's wider point - that you guys are more interested in what society thinks about what you do than you are in doing what makes you happy. (Ahmad nods his head in agreement.) If you carry on like this, one day you'll wake up and realise that you've wasted so many opportunities to enjoy life because you were too scared of what people would say.

Zack (sarcastically): Oh, of course! I can see that not getting down on the dance floor to boogie when I was eighty-five is a definite cause for regret!

Nat (smiling): You see, you too are guilty of the crime you are accusing us of. You claim that we are trying to fit into society instead of being ourselves - but did it occur to you that it actually makes us happy to do what we do, and that we aren't doing it because of what society says?

Max (in disbelief): You mean to say that you prefer to live the adult life prescribed by society with all its burdens and responsibilities, when you could be living a much more carefree life like the kind you enjoyed when you were younger? When you didn't have to worry about bills, marriage, work, social status, armed robbers and all that?

Nat (still smiling): Those spectacles you are using to look at life when younger have some serious rose tint in them o! Have you forgotten the restrictions that were imposed on your movements, the unreasonable household rules you had to obey, the lack of privacy and most of all the lack of cash?

Max: I still don't agree. Why can't you have the best of both worlds - the freedom and the cash - when you're older?

Nat (with a wry smile): In an ideal world, it really shouldn't matter what you get up to. But unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. We have to interact with people whose opinion of us is based on how we conform to society - and if they end up with a low opinion, then it could mean a loss of status, and even worse, a loss of livelihood. So you might have the freedom... (shrugs) but not the cash.

Zack: That's true. Even Ahmad here recognises this - I remember years ago when you were actively involved in running your import and export business... you always used to be dressed in sharp business suits and ties. Then I don't know what happened - you caught this mad idea that you had to be 'young' and started dressing like a hoodlum.

Ahmad: I got to a point where my business was doing all right and I could take my foot off the gas pedal and do what I had always really wanted to do - get into youth culture. So I employed people to wear the suits and deal with society while I now enjoy myself dancing and having fun how and where I want to.

Nat: What I really don't understand is why you also have to dress the part. I mean, do you really need all this jewellery? (Absent-mindedly reaches out to finger the chains on Ahmad's neck, but Ahmad sharply bats his hand away.)

Hey! Don't touch those anyhow. Do you know that these are the finest, most authentic 22-carat gold chains I could find?

Nat (puzzled): Why do you care about buying the finest gold chains if you're just going to enjoy yourself by dancing?

Zack (grinning): Could it be that not wearing the right clothes means that you won't be readily accepted in that social setting? (Turns to Nat) I think that what we are seeing here is someone who has exchanged the restrictions of one society for the 'chains' of another society. (Turns back to Ahmad) Or if I'm wrong, perhaps it won't matter if you go back to Glitterspot wearing a danshiki with nothing underneath? After all, that will allow you to gyrate more freely... and if your danshiki flies up while you're spinning round, that will provide the opportunity for everyone present to laugh at... sorry, I meant with you!

Smuggle Na Bad Biznes O!

2007-11-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

(It's near closing time in the Junction and most of the patrons have departed, but Max, Nat and Zack are still around discussing issues over chilled glasses of kunu. Suddenly a figure dashes into the bar and heads straight for their table.)

Nat: Joe! Long time no see. How are things?

(But Joe is clearly too agitated for pleasantries, and he hushes him quickly)

Look, you guys - if any policemen come in here asking after someone of my description, you haven't seen me, OK?

(And before the stunned trio can say anything else, Joe makes a mad sprint for the far end of the bar and dives out through one of the open windows to hide in the backyard.)

Zack: What was that all about?

(But before anyone can respond, three policemen come marching into the bar with menacing looks.)

Policeman 1 (in a loud voice): Where is the proprietor of this place?

Max: Philo? He's in the back room counting the day's takings. Can I help?

Policeman 2 (in a louder voice): Shut up! Who asked you to talk?

Max (apologetically): Ah, sorry o, Oga Constable. I was only trying to be a good citizen and "help the police to help us". OK, I will shut up.

Policeman 1 (to Max): Shut up! Who asked you to shut up?

(Max mimes the act of being confused and looks from one policeman to the other.)

Policeman 3 (intervening and addressing Max): Mister Man, we are looking for a thin man with an unkempt goatee. He was wearing a faded shirt, tattered jeans and battered shoes. We believe he must have come this way and entered this place.

(Zack gestures as though he is about to speak, but Max makes an imperceptible sign to hush him.)

Max: Ah, sorry o Oga Constable, but we haven't seen anyone all evening. We've just been sitting here discussing how our wonderful police are busy catching criminals up and down the country.

(Policeman 1 is suspicious. He turns on Max, loudly)

Are you sure? Because if we find out that you are hiding this man, we will make life very difficult for all of you! We will throw you into a police cell, and you will smell pepper before you can come out!

(Nat and Zack show signs of agitation, but again Max hushes them with a hidden gesture.)

Oga Constable, why should I lie? I just don't want to waste your time. (Shrugging) If you like, you can spend your valuable time searching this place - but by that time, your criminal will be getting farther and farther away from you. It's up to you, sha.

(The policemen confer amongst themselves.)

Policeman 3: OK, we will go and look elsewhere. But if you see the man come in here again, ring us on 0803 192 7460.

Max: Can we have an alternate number in case there is network congestion?

(The policemen stare at Max. Then they grumble amongst themselves.)

Policeman 2: OK, you can try 0802 779 6621 if you cannot reach us on that number.

Max: OK... but I just realised that I am low on credit. Can I have a recharge card in case I run out credit while calling you?

Policeman 1 (in a threatening voice): Look, Mister Man, whether you have credit or not is none of our concern! Just call us if you see him, OK? (And with that final pronouncement, they storm out of the bar.)

(The trio allow a sufficiently safe period to pass, then Zack gets up, goes to the window, and roars out in anger.)

Come out of there, you criminal coward!

Joe (poking his head up from his hiding place and whispering): Is - is it safe?

Nat (yelling out): Yes, it's safe. Come and tell us why you almost landed all of us in jail tonight.

(Joe emerges fully from his hiding place, dusts himself down and joins the others at the table.)

Ah, Max, you are a genius - facing down those thugs in uniform like that. I owe you big time o...

Max (curtly): Yes, you definitely owe me - you'll be buying us all a round of kunu tonight.

Zack (to Max): Please do not ever pull that kind of stunt with the police again. Those guys are like wild dogs - you never know what kind of reaction you will get if you try to be cheeky with them.

Max (waving Zack away): You're just not as used to dealing with them as I am. (Turning to Joe): OK, Mr. CEO - tell us why you have disturbed our quite evening with your wahala.

(Joe asks Philo who has now emerged from his back room to serve a round of kunu for everyone, including himself. Then he takes a deep gulp from his glass, inhales, and starts talking.)

Well, I had just been to see a supplier of a new product which I was going to be selling in Nigeria. It's called the Soundcaster, and what it does is to allow you to record any sound you like, and when you play it back, it will sound as if the sound is coming from somewhere else.

Nat (puzzled): Apart from pranksters like Max, who will it appeal to?

Joe (impatiently): Don't you read the news? Haven't you heard of the upsurge of robberies in town lately?

Nat (still puzzled): I'm sorry, but I still don't get you.

Zack: I think I see where he is going. Let me guess - if you are accosted by men of the night, then if you have recorded the sound of a siren on the device and you play it back, it will sound as though the police are coming and they will disappear, right?

Joe (beaming): Exactly, Zack!

Nat: Hmm... interesting idea. So what problem did the police have with it?

Joe: Well, I was walking back home with some samples, and these policemen stopped me. They started asking me all kinds of awkward questions, like did I have a receipt, and what was I doing out at this time of the night. I answered all their questions scrupulously, and it looked like they were going to let me go.

Then one of them decided that my goods had been smuggled into the country, and declared that he was not only going to impound them, but impound me as well. Of course, there was no way I was going to let three stupid policemen get in the way of me and my millions, so I pleaded with them to let us settle the matter like civilised gentlemen. While they were trying to decide how the matter should be settled, I took to my heels. I had the element of surprise - I'm sure they weren't expecting me to take off - so I was able to find a place to hide before they could catch me.

(Zack peers at Joe suspiciously.)

Were these... soundblasters... really smuggled?

Joe (shrugging): Maybe - who cares? The important thing is that the Nigerian who is worried about crime will get protection.

Nat (frowning): You don't seem to care about whether the goods were smuggled or not.

Joe: Why should I? After all, if they were brought into the country through customs, they would either get seized, or I would have to pay a fortune in both official and unofficial levies.

Zack (annoyed): And to think that we nearly put our lives on the line for a criminal like you. Can't you see that smuggling is bad? It deprives the government of revenue, and it allows foreigners to dump cheap goods in Nigeria and drive hardworking businessmen out of business.

Max: Wow - this is a first. Zack, you are actually supporting the government here. This is the same government that you spend day and night condemning.

Zack: You're missing the point. It's a matter of principle - just because the government is mismanaging people's money doesn't make it right for people to avoid discharging their obligation to pay their taxes. That's like saying that two wrongs make a right.

Nat: And besides, once people get used to the idea of not paying one tax because they believe the government isn't performing, then they start using that argument to justify not paying any tax - even when the government changes and starts performing. They become used to getting things for free without paying the full value for them.

Max (waving his hand dismissively): OK, fine - let the government raise its money. But let it look for some other way - like levying taxes based on the size of your house or the make of your car. It should just leave trade alone. Can you imagine how prices would skyrocket if the government were to clamp down fully on smuggling and tax everything that entered the country?

Joe (enthusiastically): Abi o! Show me a Nigerian that condemns smuggling, and I will show you a hypocrite of the the deepest dye.

Nat: Just because the majority of Nigerians enjoy its benefits doesn't mean still doesn't mean it is good. Think of all those substandard goods and fake drugs that are smuggled into the country without being checked. Are you honestly saying that you would praise smuggling if your brother's child died from taking smuggled fake drugs?

Max (shaking his head disapprovingly): Nat, that is a low, shameless tactic. Don't you know the first rule of discussions in the Junction is never to invoke the death of a child in an argument?

Joe: In other words, that is a blow beneath the belt, aimed squarely at the groin! A cheap shot!

Zack (grinning): In other words, you admit he's right.

Max: Not necessarily. Our customs officials may also allow fake drugs goods to slip through the border.

Zack: That may be true, but ultimately, every country has its goal to improve its customs organisations so that they check to ensure that what is being imported is fit for consumption. On the other hand, a smuggler will always think of how much money he can make from trading, whether it kills little babies or not.

Max (wincing): Haba! Do you have to bring children up again? Haven't you guys made your point already?

Joe: Anyway, I still think that right now that smuggling is the lesser of two evils. You may get fake drugs - but at least you get cheap fake drugs. If everything was to be routed through customs, with the state of corruption, you would get expensive fake drugs after the officials had taken their cut. And worse still, you might not even get any drugs at all if some crazy official decided tomorrow that drugs were the work of the devil, and that we should pray and fast to cure our sicknesses.

Max: That's true. Government import policy is so arbitrary that you never know what to expect tomorrow.

Zack: Then work to change government policy, instead of trying to circumvent it by smuggling. There's no getting round it - as Jimmy Johnson used to say in those ads years ago, "Smuggle na bad biznes o!"

(All of a sudden, there is the sound of loud voices coming from outside.)

Nat: What's that?

Zack: Shh... let's listen.

(The sounds are becoming more distinct.)

Voice 1: ... told you they were lying ...

Voice 2: ... sure he is in that bar ... let's check again ...

Voice 3: ... if I catch him there, I will make sure that all of them are put in that cell ... you know, the one that that madman, 'Rambo Slaughter' is in ...

(Joe, Max, Nat and Zack stare at each other in horror for a few moments. Then they scramble madly to their feet and frantically dash for the nearest hiding places out at the back.)

Dreams and Prophecies

2007-11-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

If you are still visting this blog (and I can't blame you if you aren't :) ), then you'll see that the Junction is active once again, so sit back and enjoy as our trio ponder one of life's ponderables.

AWW

(Max and Zack are discussing animatedly in the Junction, while Nat looks on, struggling to keep awake. At intervals, he leans forward as he nods off, but he is jerked awake when his leaning body makes contact with the table. After a while, Max notices this and breaks off his conversation with Zack.)

Zack: So you agree that there's no way we can allow landlords a free hand to terrorise tenants with arbitrary rent rises, then?

(Max motions to Zack to be silent. Then he gets up and with much effort, keeping Nat stable so that he does not lean to one side, he slowly and gently moves Nat in his chair so that he is all by himself a few metres away from the table. Then he skips back to his chair in glee and waits expectantly. He is not disappointed - after a few moments, Nat leans forward again, but as there is no table to warn him of the impending disaster, he leans and leans until -)

Nat (sprawling on the floor in confusion): Aaaaaargh! Wha- whe- who - why am I here? (He looks at Max cracking up with laughter, and a look of annoyance comes over his face.) Sometimes, I think I agree with Zack - you can be very childish.

Max (still laughing): Come on, you're just saying that because you are on the receiving end of my little joke. I'm sure that you would have been killing yourself with laughter if Zack had been the one to fall like that.

Zack (scornfully): I should let you know that if I am disturbed while dozing off, I react instinctively and violently - so I cannot be held responsible for the broken teeth or cracked skull that you suffer if you are foolish enough to try that prank on me.

Max: You? Please don't make me laugh. At least Nat had the presence of mind to wake up once he fell off the chair. If it were you, you would still be snoring away on the floor. (Turns to Nat) Anyway, what are you doing sleeping during an interesting discussion on housing?

Nat (dragging his chair back to the table while yawning): Oh, I've been having problems sleeping at night.

Max: Problems? Is the bank thinking of another round of redundancies?

Nat: No, nothing like that. It's just that... well, I've ben having these strange dreams. In them, I'm holding a box and I'm walking through a forest.

Zack: Hmm... interesting.

Max: What do you mean, 'interesting'? Have you now started dabbling into prophecy like Charlie?

Zack (rounding on him): Please do not under any circumstance compare me to that fraud!

Nat (raising a hand): Guys - can I carry on?

Max: Sorry, Nat - you were saying?

Nat: OK, so I'm walking through this forest. Then the path begins to slope downhill, and I find the undergrowth getting denser and denser with the canopy of tree branches getting thicker and thicker. It gets so dense that it becomes hard for me to pick my way through it... and the trees are almost completely blocking out the light.

Anyway, finally, when I can hardly see anything, I come across a hut. The door is locked, as I find when I try to open it, but when I knock on the door, it opens very slowly. I peer in, but all is dark. So I advance slowly, and when I am in the middle of the hut, I hear a noise behind me.

Max and Zack (expectantly): And...?

Nat: And I turn around and wake up.

(Max and Zack groan in dismay.)

Max: What kind of stupid dream is that? How can you go and wake up at the climax?

Nat (indignantly): Hey! Don't blame me. I don't have any control over the dream.

Zack (with his expression turning thoughtful): And... how long have you been having these dreams for, now?

Nat: Well, I've been having them on and off for the last couple of weeks. Why do you ask? Do you see any significance?

Zack: Well, from what I know of dreams, I would say that it means that you are about to go through a tough period in your life.

Max (mimicking Zack): "You are about to go through a tough period in your life". (Mockingly) Is that really the best you can do? That just sounds like those horoscope predictions that are vague to the point of being meaningless - the ones that say things like "your day will be filled with good fortune, unless it is filled with bad fortune, in which case it will not be filled with good fortune".

Zack (defensively): Well, why else would it feature darkness? A dark environment in a dream usually means danger.

Max: Danger my right buttock! How do you know the dream isn't simply telling Nat that there will be prolonged power outages where he lives? You're just making it up - if you're honest, you'll admit that the only thing dreams are good for is entertainment!

Zack: You're talking out of ignorance. I'll admit that I'm not an expert at interpreting them, but dreams definitely have deep meaning for those who can understand them. They may be a way of God communicating his message to you.

Max: More nonsense! If God wants to communicate his message, why can't he doing while I'm wide awake and paying attention? And why can't the message be direct - why does it always need a middleman to interpret it? I'll tell you - the only reason people give dreams the time of day is because they are so strange. If your dream made complete sense and you could relate it to what you did on a day to day basis, then you wouldn't take it any more seriously than you take blinking or breathing.

Nat: Actually Zack, I agree with Max that not all dreams are about sending messages, but I also agree with you that dreams aren't completely meaningless either. I think that what's going on is that when we sleep, the mind does some housekeeping. In the process, it shakes up many memories and thoughts that we've accumulated over our life - some recently, some many years ago - and those show up as dreams. That's why we usually have dreams that involve experiences that we have had - after all, when was the last time you had a dream about Outer Turkmenistan?

Zack: Well, I actually did have a dream that came true once.

Nat: Really?

Zack: Oh yes. On that night, I dreamt that a coffin was being lowered into a grave, and I saw my aunt weeping. I woke up feeling very disturbed, but I thought it was just a dream. Then a few days later, I received the news that my uncle - my aunt's husband - had died after a short illness.

Nat: Well, perhaps you had already received information that your uncle was ill, and perhaps you had been thinking that he might die, so these thoughts of death that were in your mind at the time must have given rise to the dream.

Zack (shaking his head vehemently): Not at all. I hadn't heard from this uncle for a long time - so it was definitely nothing to do with that.

Max (sceptically): I'm sure it's just coincidence. How come you don't have these dreams everytime someone wants to die? And more to the point, what is the point in someone passing you a message that your uncle is about to die? (mockingly) It would have made more sense if the dream was from one of his creditors, and there was a message saying that you should quickly contact your uncle before he expires and there is no chance of this creditor getting his money back.

Zack (shrugging): How should I know? It's not everything that we experience that we need to understand right away.

Max: Anyway, I don't take dreams seriously at all. Some of the dreams I have had are so bizarre as to be completely meaningless.

Nat (amused): Really? Let's hear them - perhaps Zack the Prophet can interpret them.

Max (scornfully): If his interpretation of your dream is anything to go by, I don't have much faith in his abilities.

Nat: Oh, go on. Zack, please don't mind him.

Max: All right. In the dream, there was this passenger bus that was waiting at a bus stop, and many people were boarding it. The strange thing about the bus was that people just kept on entering without it getting full. Then the driver sounded the horn, and instead of moving the bus began to give birth to little buses.

Nat (glancing at Zack): I think this dream may be beyond your prophetic abilities o!

Max: Each of the little buses was the size of a human being, and it had two legs. After emerging from the bus, each little bus jumped up in the air, and landed on a motorcycle that had appeared out of nowhere. Then the bus revved the motorcycle and took off. So there was this huge sea of buses which were riding motorcycles on the road.

Eventually, the buses got to a junction with traffic lights. The strange thing about these lights was that there were four lights. The red light showed a picture of Obasanjo; the yellow light showed a picture of Atiku; the green light showed a picture of Yar'Adua... and there was a fourth blue light which showed a picture of Abiola. The lights kept on flashing on and off at random, but if a bus tried to pass when all four lights were on at the same time, it would disappear, and in its place there would be a motorcycle with two legs riding a bicycle...

Zack (clapping his hands over his ears): Enough! Are you sure you weren't under the influence of controlled substances when having this dream?

Max (sweetly): What? Are you telling me you can't interpret it?

Zack: I'm dubious about whether you really had this dream. For all I know, you might have made it up.

Max (in mock indignation): How can you say such a thing? Were you inside my head when I was dreaming this dream?

Nat (chuckling): But that your dream, e get as e be. Anyway, I wouldn't even want to know what my dream meant if it was a message about the future. I would rather experience the future directly, whatever it holds.

Max: Abi o! You don't know whether by running away from the danger that your dream is 'predicting', you might end up running into a bigger danger that your dream didn't foresee.

Zack: You're just being hypocritical, Max. I'm sure that if I could offer you a cast iron prediction of share prices over the next month, you wouldn't care whether you were running into a trailer load of trouble by listening to my prophecy.

Max: But that's just hypothetical - because you're yet to demonstrate your prophetic skills. Oh, all right - let me give you one more chance. I'll tell you about this other dream that I had. In this dream, the three of us were all in the Junction, and we were consumed by this raging thirst. Then you volunteered to get up and buy round after round after round of kunu for all of us. The strange thing was that as you bought each round, your wallet became fatter and fatter. (Gazes upward stroking his chin, as though deeply puzzled) Now I wonder what the interpretation of that dream could be?

Zack (laughing): It means that I should steer clear of con artists who are too miserly to buy their own drinks!

The Mystery Madam

2007-07-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

Before I begin, I'm afraid to say that this will be the last post from me in a very long time. The Junction will be boarded up while I attempt to deal with what will be a very trying time involving a fair amount of personal upheaval over the next few months. But I assure you that it is NOT for lack of ideas - it is at times like this I wish that I could buy time from those who have too much of it. There are still loads of discussions that our Talkative Three are yet to have (like a discussion on Nigeria and climate change which I've been planning forever but which unfortunately hasn't made the cut-off this time).

So I will be back - it'll just take a while longer than usual. In the meantime, feel free to click on the archive links in the 'Previous' section and entertain yourself with previous posts. One thing I try to do is not to make my posts so topical that they become out-of-date - so hopefully, you'll find them just as enjoyable as when I wrote them.

Cheers, and thanks for sticking around,

AWW

(Nat and Zack are chatting in the Junction when they are interrupted by Max who walks up to their table, trailed by a man dressed in outlandish garb.)

Nat (enthusiastically): Charlie! Good to see you again. How is business?

Charlie: Business is blessed, my brother, business is most definitely blessed.

Zack (with ill-concealed contempt): As the Bible says, wherever there is a carcass, the vultures will gather. I'm not surprised you're doing well - there is enough misery in the land for you to make a fat profit many times over.

Charlie (with a sad smile): It is as you say, Zachariah - there is much pain and anguish in the land. And it would have been much worse - were it not for men like me who act as a bulwark against the Evil Forces from the Astral Area of Azartakada. And if only you could let me banish the spirits of bitterness and rancour that dwell within you, you too could unleash your full spiritual potential in the never-ending battle against these evil forces...

Zack (in anger): I would rather be thrown into a septic tank filled with the foulest waste and crawling with the fattest maggots than allow you to lay a finger on me in the name of exorcism. (To Max) What are you doing bringing this charlatan here?

Max (evasively): Oh, just business, you know... Aaaaaanyway, what are you and Nat discussing?

Nat: Actually, I'd welcome the views of Charlie and yourself on this matter. Do you remember that story I was telling you a few weeks back about this woman who I helped when it looked like she wasn't getting any service?

Max: Oh yes, I remember... this is the woman who rewarded you for your diligence, right?

Nat: Yes, that's right...

Zack (smirking): Except that it seems that she didn't feel that she had 'rewarded' him enough.

Max: What do you mean?

Nat: Well, she showed up at the bank again today asking after me. She said that she was really, really appreciative of what I did that other day, and she was so sorry that she hadn't really thanked me enough, and could we meet up for a meal somewhere this weekend?

Max (surprised): Really? She said that?

Charlie (pensively): Hmm... interesting...

Zack: So - what do you think it means? I've been telling our friend here that the woman is obviously smitten with him and wants to start something, but he doesn't believe me.

Nat: Why must you always assume that people have some hidden agenda? I told you that the woman was dressed like a 'big madam' - what could she possibly want from someone like me? No - I believe that she was just simply impressed by my honesty and my diligence.

Charlie: Hmm... did you say that she was dressed like a 'big madam'?

Zack (contemptuously): Why does it matter to you whether she is a big madam or not? Are you already scheming about how you can sink your fangs into her in order to suck her blood?

Charlie (in the manner of one trying to explain something to a child): Zack, I am trying to divine what her aura is so that I can channel my energies into working out what her motivation is... but perhaps these matters are beyond your understanding.

Max (interjecting before Zack can respond): I don't know... I must say that it's very unusual for a woman to be so forward in our society. You know how our people jump to the conclusion that such a woman has 'loose morals' - whatever that might mean. So I don't know that she would be bold enough to do that for that reason - perhaps she sincerely just wants to treat him to a meal, that's all.

Zack: Come on, Max! You're talking like you aren't aware of the rise of sugar mummies in Nigeria. Perhaps she is one of those women who are so strong-headed that they don't care what society thinks. Maybe she has so scared off all eligible men with her forceful ways that she has been driven to look for toyboys like Nat here.

Nat (irritated): What is the matter with you, Zack? You haven't even seen the woman, yet you have already concluded that she is a fire-breathing dragon! Anyway, I can tell you that she wasn't like that at all!

Zack (with an all knowing look): Ah... that's how they operate... they pretend to be gentle and loving as they draw the fly into their spider's net... then when it's too late... (claps his hands loudly) GBAM!

Max: And why do you paint it as such a bad thing? If she wants to have Nat as a boyfriend and Nat is willing to have her as a sugar mummy, why is that any concern of yours?

Zack: So you don't think that there will be trouble when our friend becomes a puppet to a sugar mummy? First, she'll make him give up his job, because she wants him to spend more time with her. Then she'll cut him off from his friends. And finally she'll make him a virtual slave because he will now be completely dependent on her. And that is a good thing?

Max: Zack, you're painting the picture of this relationship in unnecessarily dark colours. Sure, she'll make him give up his job - but only because she can help him set up a multi-million naira business. Of course she'll cut him off from those of his friends who are a drag on his progress - but in their place, she'll connect him with the mighty and influential, so that eventually he will take his place as a man of timbre and calibre in society, a man that she will be proud to call her husband. And that is a bad thing?

Nat (very annoyed): What is the matter with both of you? Discussing my business as though I can't make my own mind up. When did I say anything about looking for a sugar mummy?

(While the other three have been speaking, Charlie has had his head bowed, his eyes shut and his hands clasped, as though communing with some other entity. Suddenly, he lifts his head, opens his eyes and smiles.)

Nat, I have worked it all out. I have unlocked the Karmic Lock, queried the Akashic Record, and I can finally reveal this woman's innermost intentions to you.

Nat (expectantly): Perhaps you can tell me something reasonable, unlike these two (gestures dismissively at Max and Zack). So... what is she thinking?

Charlie (suddenly changing to a stern tone of voice): That woman is a top level agent from the deepest, darkest pits of Hell! She has been sent by Beelzebub himself to corrode your integrity, corrupt your morals and capture your life essence. My friend, as we speak, you are in mortal danger!

Nat (incredulously): Really?

Charlie (full of urgency): Of course! But there is no time to be lost. You will contact her and agree to a meeting with her. But when you meet, bring her here - tell her that you need to drop in and see a friend first, before going to your final destination. Do not look left or right - just come here straightaway, so that I can exorcise her of the demons that give her the strength to carry out her diabolical deeds. (Rises) I must go now - I have several powerful incantations to practice in readiness for her appearance. (Turns to Nat) Remember! This is of the utmost importance. I shall be expecting her to show up within the next twenty-four hours. Any delay could result in catastrophic consequences - the Holy Stronghold of Muazzadin could end up being breached! (And with these words, Charlie strides out of the bar. Max, Nat and Zack hold straight faces for a few seconds after he has left before falling about with laughter.)

Zack (still laughing): "Exorcise her of the demons..." The only de-mon he is going to exorcise is de-money!

Max: But you've got to admire his boldfaced confidence. Come on Nat, I'm sure that if you hadn't seen myself and Zack struggling to stop ourselves laughing, you would have robotically obeyed him and delivered your madam safely into his waiting arms.

Nat: No way! I find Charlie intriguing and even somewhat amusing... but I don't take him too seriously when he starts getting all dramatic. Still though, it does look like you need prophetic powers to try and divine the motives of people sometimes. If this woman really likes me and wants to start something, why can't she come out openly and say so? I mean, wouldn't it make the whole game of romance much less complicated if people could just declare their intentions?

Max (shaking his head): Are you mad? Leaving aside what I said earlier about society frowning on 'forward' women, the whole fun in the game of romance is the tension and suspense that comes from not knowing. Remove that, and the whole point of the game is destroyed. Instead of being a series of beautiful, intricate steps, it would become as mundane as applying for a job.

Nat: So what's wrong with that? If we can treat something like applying for a job with so much seriousness, shouldn't we treat something that is even more life changing - looking for a girlfriend - with even more seriousness? Both parties should put their cards on the table so that there is no time wasting. If you like what I have and I like what you have, then we can sign a marriage contract there and then and have done with it! Abi?

Max (with a wry smile): I admire the cold logic and reason of your solution... but really, it wouldn't work. Why should I tell you the truth about what I have if it will 'spoil show' for me? And why should I tell you the truth about what I want if it will make you think worse of me? Think about it - let's say that a man is looking for a curvy sexy lady, but he believes that what women want is a stable, responsible man. Is he likely to tell a potentially interested woman "I'm looking for a really hot babe!" or "I'm looking for someone who will provide a good home to raise a family in"?

Zack: Nonsense. You're talking like women can't see past these games. I'm sure they must suspect that men know what they might want, so they'll be on the lookout for answers that are too well-designed and tailored.

Nat: I'm confused - won't the men know that the women suspect that the men might know what the women want? And won't that mean that they will customise their answers even further?

Zack (scratching his head): Huh? Now I am confused. You make it sound like an arms race of deceit!

Max (smiling): See, Nat? No matter how hard you try, these games will work their way into your perfect solution!

Nat: So what are you saying? That the only way to find out if someone really is interested in you is to approach them and ask?

Zack: Well, of course! In fact, even if the woman isn't initially interested, she will be impressed enough by your boldness to reconsider.

Max: Don't be so sure. Just as there are smells that no amount of perfume can cover, so also there are physical appearances that no amount of attitude and personality can compensate for. And for people with such appearances, it would be a sheer waste of time to use Zack's scattergun approach. Instead, it would be better for them to approach people who are more likely to give them a favourable reception.

Nat: I take it that you have an alternative suggestion, then?

Max: Naturally. The thing is, if you want to find out what people are thinking, it's more important to pay more attention to what they say with their bodies rather than what they say with their mouths. People are often aware that you're listening to what they're saying - so they take great care to say the 'right thing' - but they're not often aware that you're paying attention to their body language, so that's more likely to tell you what they're really saying. So you need to look for the signs, Brother Nathaniel.

Zack (sceptically): Hm. I agree that people's body language can tell you some things about what's on their mind... if I saw Lizzy slouched down with her head in her hands, I would know that something was wrong. But I can't believe that there are special signs that tell you that a woman is interested in you.

Max: Well, there are. First of all, if you look and her and smile and she smiles back at you, then that's a sign that she's interested.

Zack: That doesn't mean anything. What if she's smiling because she's seen you alight from your Mercedes-Benz car wearing a gold Rolex watch?

Nat: Or worse still, if she has noticed that your flies are undone and there are holes in your underpants, and she finds that hilarious?

Max: Come on guys, at least she's interested! But you'll still want to gauge the level of interest, so once you've established contact, you'll look away and observe her continued reaction out of the corner of your eye. If she still steals glances at you, then you know it's not just passing interest, and after a respectable interval, you can casually wander over to where she is and introduce yourself.

Zack: But Mister Casanova, what if she then introduces you to her six-foot-six two-hundred-and-sixty-pound muscular boyfriend who you unfortunately failed to spot because you were too busy looking at her "out of the corner of your eyes"?

Max (in mock annoyance) Gah! I don't know how I put up with you and your pessimism. Just trust me that the woman wouldn't be making eyes at you if her boyfriend was in the vicinity, and let us assume that you're finally deep in conversation here. So how do you know whether her interest in you is fading or whether it's burning brighter than ever? This is where you need to study that body language again. Is she maintaining regular eye contact with you, or is she fidgeting and looking around? Is she mirroring your movements - when you nod your head, does she nod hers too? Is she leaning forward to get a bit closer to you, or is she leaning back like "Whoa, this guy is freaking me out!"?

Zack: All that still doesn't mean anything. My friend, you are greatly underestimating the cunning of women. What if she already knows that you expect all these body reactions from her and is faking all those gestures?

Nat: More importantly, it still doesn't tell you why she's interested in you. Is it your face? your body? your money? your personality?

Zack: Ah, well according to Professor Body-Language, if it's your money she's interested in, when you bring out your wallet, her eyes will widen, her tongue will hang out and she will begin to salivate uncontrollably.

Max: Well, you can mock if you like, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Every time I have used these techniques, I have been successful.

Zack (derisively): Of course you've been successful. In fact, as we speak, we are in danger of being crushed to death here, because the space in the Junction (gestures round the half-empty bar) simply can not accommodate your ever-expanding harem of beautiful ladies!

Nat: Well, it's great that your advice works for you, Max... but I don't think I'll be needing it. See, I decided that she really had thanked me enough, and there was no need for any further gesture, so I won't be meeting her. I guess I'll never really know what her true motives were.

Max: Really? And how did she take it?

Nat: Well, I told her that I was otherwise engaged, but I thanked her for the offer. She seemed to take it all right.

Zack: Ah - you should have told her in unequivocal terms that you were completely uninterested in her. Mark my words, she'll be back to pester you with another possible date. Well, at least when Jennifer sees you with her, maybe it'll make her take you more seriously!

Max: Spoken with the usual Zack Kwashi level of diplomacy and tact. Actually, the person who I really feel a bit sorry for in all this is Charlie - why didn't you let him know that there would be no meeting?

Zack (grinning): Well, what has happened has happened. But Nat, you shouldn't really deprive Charlie of the opportunity to meet your mystery madam, now.

Nat (surprised): Do you really mean that? That's very big-hearted of you, Zack. I thought you couldn't stand Charlie.

Zack: Well, maybe I'm feeling magnanimous today. I suggest you call Charlie and tell him that your madam will meet him at Chop-Rite on Saturday.

Nat: But how will I contact the woman to let her know of the meeting?

Zack (grinning even wider): Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I'm sure that Charlie will use his psychic karma or something else to summon her to the venue so that he doesn't waste his time going all the way across town through very busy traffic to Chop-Rite...

Anger Management

2007-06-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

(It's another evening in the Junction. Max and Nat are discussing Zack, who happens to be absent.)

Nat: ...So I told him to calm down, but that was a big mistake - he turned on me and started yelling that how could I be asking him to calm down in the face of such an outrage, and did I expect him just to lie down and accept this fraud...

Max (shrugging): Why am I not surprised? Of course he turned on you - the vendor who sold him the 'recent' magazine that turned out to be a year old was miles away at that point. Also, you know how he can reason sometimes - "he who is not for me is against me" - and since you weren't joining in his vocal condemnation, you had automatically allied yourself with the Forces of Evil.

Nat (resignedly): But what was yelling at me going to achieve? It wasn't as if it did him any good - at one point, he was ranting so ferociously that some saliva went down the wrong way and sent him into a coughing fit, and if there hadn't be a glass of water ready, perhaps we would be having a different discussion today.

Max: Well, you can put that question to him yourself, since he's just walked in. (Turns to Zack, who has walked up to their table) Hello Max, we were just talking about you.

Zack (suspiciously): Talking about me? Why?

Nat (to Max): See? This is the kind of behaviour I was talking about. An ordinary person would just accept that these things happen. After all, that's what your friends do - they talk about you. But for Zack - oh no, he has to apply his Great Big Magnifying Glass and try and unpick the motives and agenda behind an innocent conversation.

Zack (irritated): What are you talking about? Is it wrong for me to know why I'm being discussed? Have you considered that I might be able to shed some light on the matter, since I know myself better than you or Max?

Max: You think you can shed some light on this matter that we are discussing?

Zack: Well, tell me what the matter is first!

Max: Are you sure you can do this?

Zack (getting more irritated): Why all this drama? Tell me now!

Max (with a glint of mischief): Are you really sure you can do this?

Zack (now really annoyed): I said tell me what matter you want me to shed light on first!

Max (now openly grinning): Are you really, really, really sure you want to do this, Brother Zachariah?

Zack (furious at this point): All right, don't tell me! You think I don't have better things to do than listen to you play your stupid childish games? I think you should be ashamed of yourself, behaving like a big-for-nothing fool... (He breaks off when he notices that Nat is sighing and shaking his head.) What is this? Some sort of joke? Nat, I'm very disappointed in you. I don't expect any less from this... this... (gestures contemptuously at Max, who is still grinning) but from you?

Nat (still sighing): All right, perhaps I should tell you what we were discussing, then. It was your tendency to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation, which you have just amply demonstrated.

Zack (bristling): Slightest provocation? You call that slight provocation?

Max (gesturing expansively): See? You're even provoked at the suggestion that you're easily provoked.

Zack: Wouldn't you be annoyed if I had asked you those foolish questions you were asking me earlier?

Max: Actually, no - I wouldn't. And I doubt that Nat would be, either - we would just be curious, or we'd lose interest if you weren't forthcoming about the matter. Face it - you, my friend, have a serious anger management problem. (Smiling) And don't try to angrily deny it, or you'll just be proving my point.

Nat: And this is also what I was discussing with Max - what is it about you that makes you get angry so easily? I mean, do you enjoy getting angry? Or is it an involuntary response? Personally, I can't really see that it's an enjoyable experience - your voice rises, your breathing gets faster, your heart begins to race, you begin to sweat, and even when the moment has passed, you can't think of anything else for the next few minutes.

(Zack is pensive for a few moments.)

I think that you guys are confusing anger with indignation. There is pointless, useless anger which is directed at things that are of no consequence. And there is indignation, or righteous anger which is directed at wrongs, and which spurs the person feeling the anger to change the wrong to right. (Smiling) I think you'll find that most of the time, what I experience is indignation.

Nat: Zack, I think you'll find that everyone will claim to experience indignation. After all, what is the point in getting angry with matters that are of no consequence?

Max: Yes, we challenge you to think of a single case of pointless anger.

Zack: All right, what of when someone gets angry over because someone has refused to offer him a bribe?

Max (surprised): What are you talking about? In the eyes of the prospective bribe-taker, that's holy, righteous anger! As far as he is concerned, it is right for him to receive 'compensation' for his 'good deeds' - so it is a matter of Grave Consequence when someone withholds this 'compensation'!

Nat: I thought you were going to give an example where someone gets angry over a politician stealing money from the national treasury. Now that's definitely pointless anger.

Zack: What is pointless about that? I think that that is actually a very good example of righteous anger - getting angry over people's wrongdoing.

Max: I think the point that Brother Nathaniel is trying to make is that this kind of anger is impotent. It's not going to spur you to get an AK-47 then go out and mow down the politician in a hail of bullets, which - as I'm sure you'll agree - is the only fitting punishment for him.

Nat: In fact, it's worse than the ordinary anger you experience when someone calls you a fool - because at least, you can do something about the source of your anger, maybe by throwing an insult back. Here, all you can do is stew in rage. In fact, come to think of it, you will be the one doing yourself harm, raising your stress levels and blood pressure. How ironic is that?

Zack: Well, there's still a point to feeling angry about these things. Think about it. If a politician steals money and you're indifferent to it, what does that tell you about the state of your morality?

Nat: You're making a mistake. We're not indifferent - we just don't get excited about it the way you do. Let me put it this way - do you get furious about politicians stealing money in Turkmenistan?

Zack (puzzled): Turkmenistan? Where is that?

Max: See? You probably disapprove of the act - but you don't know enough about Turkmenistan to care deeply enough about whether money is stolen, and therefore, you don't get really angry. That's the whole point - you have to care to get angry, and Nat and I have decided that we don't care enough.

Nat: Actually, correction there, Max - I didn't decide not to care. I just woke up one day and found that I no longer cared enough. In other words, it just happened - I had no real part to play. And perhaps that's what goes with Zack too - he gets angry not because he has considered the pros and cons, but because he can't help himself.

Zack (shaking his head vigorously): No-o, Nat! The way you say it, you make it look like I have no say in the matter. On the contrary, my anger is a by-product of my highly developed sense of right and wrong.

Max (scornfully): Highly developed sense of right and wrong my right buttock! More like highly developed sense of bitterness and envy at those who are enjoying what you've been denied. Not that you would be pacified if you were in their position - oh no, you would direct your 'righteous anger' towards those who were bitter and jealous of your good fortune.

Zack (holding out his hands as though to ward something off): Hey! My friend, don't project your warped morals on to me. I don't recognise this world of bitterness and envy that you're going on about.

Max (dismissively): Why would you recognise it? Is it not the case that the he-goat is so steeped in its own smell that it cannot distinguish it from other smells? Not that I have a problem with your anger coming from your bitterness and jealousy - at least, that sounds more real than this strange idea of your anger that reminds you that you are a moral person. Who cares if you're the holiest of holies if your anger doesn't move you to do something about your situation?

Nat: Yes, Zack - I agree with Max there. Surely actions are more important than feelings?

Zack: And who says that my anger won't eventually drive me to do something about the situation? If it's very difficult to resolve, don't you think it would be madness for me just to charge out there trying to fix it when I haven't even sat down to think through the solution? That would just be hot, unfocused anger. Me, I prefer to channel my anger constructively so that at the end of the day, I have a solution which actually works.

Max (smirking): So based on all the times I've seen you get angry since I've known you, I guess that by now you must have enough anger channelled to solve the problems of global hunger, poverty, disease and strife.

Nat (smiling): I think that when you go into that small, dark room where neither I nor Max can see you, you'll admit that you do display a lot of hot anger.

Zack (exasperatedly): All right, I blow off every now and then - but what is so bad about that? At least I'm honest about my anger - when I get angry, everybody knows. And once I have vented, that's the end of the matter. But you, Nat - you are a different proposition altogether.

Nat (defensively): What about me? I hardly ever get angry.

Zack: Ah, but this is the thing. Your anger is of the silent, cold and deadly variety. If someone offends you, instead of announcing it to the world as you should do, you harbour it inside yourself and allow it to simmer and burn until one day it just explodes without warning. And even before the anger has burst forth, you will be taking style to land some 'stealth jabs' at the target of your anger instead of coming out directly.

Nat (hotly): That's a lie! I don't know what you're talking about.

Max: And that's the proof - just see that display of hot anger.

Zack: Oh? Remember that time a few years ago when I borrowed your camera and I forgot to return it? Instead of you to come out and say that you weren't happy, you just went cold on me - and if Max hadn't let slip that this was the reason, we could just have continued like that.

Nat: What are you talking about? I reminded you at least twice about the camera, and you still refused to return it. In fact, the second time I reminded you, you acted irritated like I was bothering you!

Max (smirking): You see the negative effects of hot anger, Zack? If you display it too excessively, people will simply avoid you - after all, who enjoys being shouted at?

Zack (surprised): Did I really tell you not to bother me? My brother, I'm sorry o! Maybe I was in a bad mood that day. The day my friends are so scared of my anger that they keep their thoughts to themselves, then I know that I am really in trouble!

Max (smiling in mock innocence): So... shall I take that as official permission to reveal my thoughts about you, whether they are to your liking or not?

Zack: Of course! It's not as if you have every asked for my permission before.

Nat: Ah - but for him to have your official permission... now that's another story. That would be like asking a Nigerian policeman whether he wants to be stationed at a checkpoint which is passed only by cars carrying rich people whose vehicle papers are not in order. And I'm talking about rich people who happen to like Nigerian policemen and who are in a good mood, too.

Zack (in a relaxed tone): Oh, I'm big enough to take whatever he has to say.

Max: Are you sure?

Zack Yes!

Max: Are you really sure?

Zack (beginning to get irritated): I said yes - or are you deaf?

Max (grinning evilly): are you really, really, really sure???

Nat (covering his ears and thinking to himself): All right, this is where I stand by for another explosion of hot anger...

The Law of the Jungle

2007-06-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

(Max, Nat and Zack are listening to Joe who is lamenting over a recent business misfortune.)

Joe: Can you believe it? We had set things up to import this electronic ruler...

Max: Wait! Joe, what in the name of Kokorioko is an electronic ruler?

Joe: Oh, it's the latest technology from Japan. The ruler has these electronic lights and an inbuilt speaker. You lay the ruler against the thing you want to measure, and when you have read off the measurement and lift the ruler off the surface, the lights flash on and off in different colours and the speaker plays a special ringtone.

Nat: And then...? (Raises eyebrows and spreads out hands in a questioning gesture.)

Joe: And then what? That's all. Don't you think that's cool?

Zack: Joe, perhaps we're missing something here, but... are you telling me that the lights and the ringtone play no role at all in telling you the length of the thing you're measuring?

Joe: I wasn't interested in that. All I was interested in was that our research indicated that there was a large demand for this ruler. Anyway, we had placed an order for the ruler, and we were happy because we were going to make Big Money at last!

Nat: But unfortunately for us, you're still here torturing us with stories of your get-rich-quick schemes. So something must have gone wrong along the way.

Zack: Perhaps there was no electronic ruler. Remember that this is the guy who tried to raise funds for a non-existent party and seek investment for a spurious impurity detector.

Nat: Not to mention the time when he tried selling those 'special chargers' that were supposed to pack ten times the normal amount of charge into your mobile phone's battery. (To Joe) The slight flaw in your plan, as I remember, was that the chargers would always blow up and destroy the phone when you tried to use them.

Joe (annoyed): Why are you guys behaving bringing all this up, now? Do you want to kick a man when he's down?

Nat: OK, continue. Let's assume that your electronic ruler is real.

(Joe gives Nat a look of annoyance and continues): Anyway, when we tried to process the importation, we were told that there were issues to do with licences and regulations and all sorts of crazy stuff that nobody had mentioned before. Bottom line - it meant we could not import those rulers. And that was the end of my dreams of finally becoming a billionaire. (In an anguished voice) Why does the government have to frustrate honest, hardworking Nigerians with its stupid laws? Why? (Voice rises to a scream) WHY??? (Gets up and storms out of the bar, shaking his fists and repeatedly screaming 'Why?' as Max, Nat and Zack look on in astonishment.)

Nat (after a long stunned silence): There goes a truly embittered businessman. I've never seen him like that before.

Max: Well, do you blame him? It's bad enough to be frustrated by a competitor - but at least, you can fight back by offering superior product or service. But when the government decrees that you can't do business, what can you do?

Zack: I'm sure the government must have had a good reason. Perhaps those rulers constituted some sort of health hazard.

Max (scornfully): Health hazard my left buttock! Since when did the government become so interested in such things? More likely, the government officials saw the word 'ruler' in 'electronic ruler' and thought that Joe was thinking of importing some alternative head of state to contend against the current president.

Nat: Or perhaps one of Joe's competitors got wind of his plan and bribed someone to frustrate his plans so that he - the competitor - could take make use of those same plans. That's not unheard of in this country.

Zack: Hmm... that's possible, too. After all, this is a country where connections are all important.

Max: That's what irritates me about the way the government operates - always poking its nose into the market and banning this and that, thinking that it knows what is best. It should leave the people to decide whether they want to buy something or not.

Zack: Ah, no-o! You can't say that. What of if the thing that the importers want to sell is a health hazard? Or if the product claims to be something that it isn't? The government has a duty to protect its citizens from being killed or deceived.

Max: But it's not as if the government is even performing that duty. It would rather ban something for some flimsy reason - perhaps because it's 'immoral' or 'unpatriotic'. What it would not do is to ban it because it's a danger to health. If only the government would just concentrate on protecting people's possessions and stopping them from being taken from them either by fraud or by force. Then businesses can be free to compete against each other, and the more they compete, the better products we get.

Nat: So the whole point of getting government to get out of the market is to increase competitiveness, right?

Max: Pretty much.

Nat: And competitiveness would be increased because the government wouldn't be unfairly using its power to stop one or more businesses from competing, right?

Max: Yep.

Nat: But why should it just be the government that should be sanctioned for using its power unfairly? Shouldn't any organisation be sanctioned for such unfair use of power?

For example, let's say that I ran a company whose product was so successful that consumers were virtually dependent on it. Then if I saw a potential competitor trying to get their product off the ground, would it be fair for me to use the power I have over consumers to threaten to stop supplying any trader with my goods if I caught that trader selling that competitor's product?

Zack: No!

Max: Yes!

Nat (smiling): Aha. So we have two different opinions. In the blue corner, we have Mad Max Ugwi, and in the red corner, we have Zealous Zack Kwashi. (Claps his hands) Oya, let battle commence!

Zack: Of course it's not fair. How could such a competitor make headway if he faced a virtual lockout from being able to sell his products?

Max (shrugging): Maybe he's not supposed to make headway. There's no golden rule that says that there must be more than one business in a particular market. If the successful business is good enough, why introduce another? I'm sure if the successful business was producing rubbish products, then consumers and traders would defect to the new competitor even if the successful business threatened fire and brimstone.

Zack: The successful company may not be producing rubbish products, but if it's the only game in town, there's nothing that will encourage it produce good products. Surely that's the whole point of competition? In fact, I'm surprised that you seem to be doing a U-turn here - just a few minutes ago, you were the one hailing competition amongst several businesses!

Max: I'm not doing a U-turn - I'm definitely for allowing companies to engage in competition. In fact, what will keep the successful company on its toes will be the fact that at any time, a competitor can enter the market and challenge it. In fact, that's why it can never rest and take it easy - if it were to do so, a competitor could just emerge and easily challenge it. Or if you like, "Uneasy rests the head that wears the crown". Of course, it would be a different matter if there was no possibility of anyone else entering the market... perhaps because the government banned people from doing so.

Nat: So you don't consider the successful company's use of its 'power' to cut off the supply of its goods from disobedient traders a kind of 'force'?

Max: No, it's not - because if someone comes up with a better product, then they're not compelled to use the successful company's product. They can always switch to the new product. It would be force if they had no choice at all.

Nat: But isn't that like saying that if someone points a gun at you and tells you to hand over your money, then he's not really forcing you to do anything, because you can always connect his groin with a well aimed Matrix-style kung-fu kick followed by a double uppercut? It's possible - but it's highly improbable - because it's very difficult. And it's just as difficult for a competitor to come up with a product that is so good that it'll make people and traders switch, irrespective of what barriers the successful company tries to put in their way. So while there is no alternative product, it is force!

Zack (slapping his hand on the table): Exactly! So instead of the successful company dominating for one year then being overthrown by a competitor who has a slightly better product, you have someone dominating for twenty years before being overthrown by a competitor only because they have been able to develop a stupendously better product. And that means that the consumers have to suffer for an extra nineteen years, just because the government didn't want to intervene by preventing the successful company from using its power to scare people away from its competitor.

Max: That's an unfair description. I've already said that the successful company will not stand still for all those twenty years, because it knows that it could be overthrown at any minute by this competitor with the stupendously successfully product. So during that twenty-year period, the consumers will still be enjoying improvements in the product. And at least, you do admit that eventually, the successful company will be overthrown - after all, nobody has a monopoly on creativity.

Zack: But you admit that there is an element of force if the consumers have no other alternative. And it is wrong to allow the consumers to be subjected to this force for such a long time if the government can do something to hasten the growth of competitors - for example, by preventing the successful company from using those scare tactics.

Max: Well, there are very few products that are not only produced by only one company but also don't have alternatives. I agree that the alternatives may not be ideal - but at least, they can be managed so that if things become absolutely intolerable, the consumers can always manage the second-class alternatives. For example, if the successful company were the only company that could sell electricity to consumers, people would still have the second-class alternative of using a generator or a battery-inverter combination. Not ideal - but still an alternative.

Zack: Max, you're going to extremes to defend this anti-competitive behaviour. (Sarcastically) I suppose you'd be happy if we threw out any rule stopping companies from doing what they want. Oh yes - Nigeria would be a competitive heaven for sure!

Max: Hmm... actually, now you mention it, why not? What did the government ever do for us? Why not give anarchy a go?

Nat (alarmed): I'm sure he was just joking. How can you seriously consider that? Haven't you seen what the Law of the Jungle has done in places like Somalia? The death, the disease, the famine?

Max: Hold on. I'm talking here about organised anarchy. The problem with Somalia is that it sleepwalked into its current anarchic state without people ever being properly prepared for it. So you got people who were ill prepared to defend their property - people who had no training on how to use arms, and who were therefore slaughtered by those who did.

What I'm suggesting here is that first of all, every man, woman and child will be supplied with all kinds of weaponry, which they will be trained to use to defend their property. Once this happens, an Age of Anarchy can be declared, and Nigeria will be en route to a Golden Age of Peace and Prosperity.

Zack: Now I know that that frayed rope which has always struggled to anchor you to reality has finally snapped. You arm one hundred and forty million people with weapons and you expect peace and prosperity? Unless you are talking about prosperity for the vultures and hyenas that will feast on carcasses from border to border!

Max: Come on, Zack. We all know that Nigerians are cowards at heart. Who wants to go and attack someone when he knows that his opponent will respond with several rounds of machine gunfire? Who will be so suicidal as to try and steal someone's property if he knows he'll get a few rockets from an RPG for his trouble? No - think of it like a gigantic Mexican standoff. Nobody gets killed because nobody kills, and nobody kills because nobody wants to get killed.

Nat: I'd rather think of it as a giant keg of gunpowder. Sure, nobody gets killed as long as everyone is rationally thinking of the consequences - but this is the same country where we riot from time to time for irrational reasons mostly to do with religion or ethnicity. I tell you, once the first gunshot is fired, may God help us all! It'll be coast-to-desert mayhem!

Max: Nonsense. As I said before, the reason that riots are prolonged is because the rioters can run amok with little opposition from those they are lynching. There's nothing like returning gunfire with gunfire to douse whatever passion moved the rioters to riot in the first place. I know my idea sounds counter-intuitive - but trust me, it would work. Since people wouldn't be able to use force to get things done, they'd be force to use their brains for once in their lives.

Nat (shaking his head): I don't know - it sounds way too crazy for me. Plus there are large gaping holes in the plan - how do you train so many people to use arms responsibly, anyway? And who is going to train them - the same government who is going to be irrelevant once they're fully trained? You should know that chickens don't vote for Christmas!

Zack: Don't mind Nat - he's the original Doubting Thomas. As for me, as crazy as your idea sounds, I'm ready to give it a chance, if you can run a pilot test. (Grins evilly) This is what you need to do, though - first, get as many guns as you can lay your hands on. Then go to that flyover where all those area boys and lunatics congregate to smoke igbo after a hard day spent harassing law-abiding citizens. Propound to them your theory of Prosperity Through Anarchy, distribute your guns, and settle down there for a two-week of rational debate and intelligent discourse. If you're still in one piece after your adventure, then perhaps I'll concede that your idea has legs...

The Gift of Philanthropy

2007-05-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

(Nat and Zack are in the Junction with Jonah who is telling them about the latest story in town.)

Jonah: So the chief threw this massive party to celebrate. You should have been there - the food and drinks were overflowing, the music was the kind that just dances you - in short, the atmosphere was simply p-a-r-t-y!

Nat: Really? It sounds like you had a great time.

Jonah: Of course! The high point was where they revealed this really elaborate cake that had been sculpted to be like a statue of the celebrant. They even had the statue wearing clothes made of edible material. I don't know how they did it - but it was fantastic! Everyone was amazed!

Zack (disdainfully): Typical money-miss-road Nigerian. Why are you boring us to death with what another Nigerian big man does with his ill-gotten gains?

Nat: Come on, Zack - you don't know that these gains were 'ill-gotten'.

Zack (snorting): To say a rich man in Nigeria hasn't made his money by dubious methods is like saying that a night-soil man has been able to carry out his duties without ending up with a bad smell about him. Of course they were ill-gotten gains!

Jonah: So... you're saying that you would have less of a problem if Chief Onitiri's wealth was acquired legally? Not, of course, that I'm saying that it was illegally acquired.

Zack: No - they're both wrong. Stealing money is bad enough - but to rub people's face in it by lavishly spending it is to add insult to injury.

Nat: Of course it's wrong to steal money, but I don't understand your problem with people spending their money as they want.

Jonah: Don't mind your friend. He wants all of us to celebrate by eating groundnuts and gari!

Zack: Come on, Jonah! We're talking about someone who is throwing a lavish party because his child was promoted from primary three to primary four! What is that supposed to tell those people who are struggling to make ends meet? I really think it is time that the government banned, or at least levied very punitive taxes on these kinds of lavish parties!

(Just then, Max enters the Junction, catching the tail end of Zack's rant.)

Max: Who's throwing a party? And how come I wasn't told?

Jonah: Ah Max, come and help me o! Your friend wants to crucify me because I'm supporting the right of people to spend their money and have fun.

Max (dismissively): Oh, you know Zack and his controlling instincts. The only thing that he would love more than drawing up a list of Rules and Regulations governing our behaviour for everything from Picking Your Nose to Scratching Your Behind is installing cameras in our houses to monitor us for compliance with his rules and regs.

Zack: I'm not surprised at your reaction. But I think that such an attitude is very short-sighted. If you were a rich man in today's Nigeria, would you really want to live in a society where people are so poor that they are constantly looking at your wealth with envy, malice and thoughts of criminal activity?

Max: Well, as a rich man, you can always move to one of those exclusive estates that are being built around town these days - that way, the stench of your wealth is kept away from the pure noses of the poor.

Nat: Hmm... I still don't agree with Zack that people should be made to spend their money in 'authorised' ways, but I see his point about it being stupid to be so ostentatious in the middle of poverty. Wouldn't it be better to use your money to try to lessen the divide between yourself and the poor? That way, there is less likelihood of social unrest.

Zack: That is exactly what I'm saying, but these two (gestures contemptuously at Max and Jonah) cannot see past their noses what I'm talking about.

Jonah (raising hands in surrender): Hey, Zack - I only deliver the latest gist - I don't judge the way people spend their money. If you have any issues, don't shoot the messenger - go and complain to Chief Onitiri himself.

Nat: So how would you spend your money if you were that rich? Don't tell me that you wouldn't throw lavish parties like that - the way you were reporting the chief's party sounds like you were really enjoying it!

Jonah: Ah - but there's a difference between attending a party that someone else is throwing, where you don't have to spend a kobo - and attending a party that you are hosting, knowing that you are going soak gari for the next few months!

Nat: Jo-nah! How selfish! (Shakes his head in mock despair) Anyway, that doesn't answer my question. If you wouldn't spend your wealth on parties, what would spend it on?

Jonah: I'm not like you, Nat - my head begins to hurt if I start dreaming up elaborate plans about the future. But if you give me a billion naira, I will be able to answer your question in detail.

Max: In other words, you are afraid of Mr. Attack Dog here (gestures at Zack) who is waiting to pounce on you if you dare say that you intend to have fun with your wealth.

Zack: What about you - no, don't tell me, let me guess - you wouldn't spend it on making life better for the poor, would you?

Max: Brother Zachariah, I don't know where you have got this totally false idea that I'm some sort of monster. Of course I would spend my money in a way that would benefit the poor.

Nat: Really? Now that's a surprise.

Max: Yes! Think of all those caterers that will have to prepare food, all those fashion designers that will have to design new clothes, all those musicians that will have to perform and all those refuse cleaners that will have to tidy up the mess left after the shamelessly extravagant parties that I hold. Of course thousands of poor people will benefit! And for those who are even too poor to do those kinds of work, they can always eat the remains of any food that is left over.

Zack: If that is your idea of making life better for the poor, then may God not let us see what your ideas for making life worse for the poor are. (Crosses himself.)

Max: I tell you, my parties will set new benchmarks of decadence and opulence. The plates and cutlery on which my food will be served will be solid gold and for one time use only. And the food we will serve will be the most exotic, out of this world cuisine! In fact, we will literally chop money at my parties - there will be meals in which crisp, mint naira notes are seasoned and sautéed for guests to eat.

Zack: Disgusting! (Shakes his head.) Absolutely disgusting.

Max: I'm glad you approve, Zack. By the way, for entertainment, I will put you in a cage and hoist you high above the revelry. That way, the partygoers can be amused by your facial expressions as you watch all this going on.

Jonah (laughing): That would definitely make your parties the must-attend event of the town!

Nat: What would you spend your money on, Zack? Something tells me that it wouldn't be parties.

Zack: Of course not. I would spend my money on charitable causes, building schools and clinics and sinking boreholes. Things that would actually make a lasting difference to people.

Max: How very dull and unmemorable. I'm sure your sainthood is waiting for you in Heaven, though.

Nat: How are you sure they would make a lasting difference?

Zack: What do you mean? If poor children have access to schools and clinics, then they can be educated and remain in good health so that their chances of living a good life are improved.

Nat: But you're forgetting one thing, Zack. Schools don't teach students - teachers do - and clinics don't heal patients - doctors do. I'm sensing that from the way that you've talked about schools and clinics rather than teachers and doctors, you feel that the buildings are more important than the people in the buildings in the same way that Nigerians believe that a showy church building is more important than the congregation in the building.

Zack: Well, you do need a well equipped school and clinic if you are to provide education and healthcare. But I get your point - the people are more important than the buildings, and I would certainly include spending money on staff too.

Jonah: Yes, I agree with Nat, too. You may not even have buildings, but you can have well motivated staff teaching students under trees.

Max: I tell you, the real reason our budding philanthropist wants to build schools and clinics rather than spending money on staff is that he wants to be able put up a big sign saying "the Zachariah Kwashi Memorial School" on his building - he knows he can't do that with teachers. He may try and deny it, but he wants to show off as badly as those of us who want to host lavish parties - except he's being hypocritical.

Jonah: What's your problem? Even if he wants to put up signs everywhere in his school, at least he's still contributing towards improving people's lives - that's better than those redundant attempts at philanthropy that you see around town, like those road signs that have name of the road in tiny letters and then have "DONATED BY AMULUMALA SOCIAL CLUB" in gigantic bold letters.

Nat (laughing): Or those stupid city beautification initiatives where they plant flowers on a traffic island in the middle of a busy road. When I see this, I wonder what the donors are thinking - if the traffic fumes don't kill off the poor flowers first, then the local area boys will harvest them for firewood.

Max: All right, I agree - Zack is a holy man, and I'm a selfish bastard. (Grins) But I don't like the idea of giving people these things, even if it looks like they can't afford them. First of all, if you give some thing to someone free, it makes it harder for them to appreciate the value of what you're giving them. Secondly, if you give someone something and they can't give you something in return, it makes them feel of less value. And lastly, I think that giving breeds a dependency culture where people feel that someone will take care of them rather than trying to stand on their own feet.

Zack: So you would charge people? Then how are you using your money to help the poor?

Max: No - I wouldn't charge them full fees. I'd subsidise the service - and I'd accept payment in kind. And it means that the school would be more sustainable than if I was giving everything.

Zack: Even if I didn't charge, the school would still be sustainable, because those people who have benefitted from the school's free education would themselves be motivated to donate money back to the original school.

Nat: I don't agree with you there, Zack. For one thing, even though education will improve the chances of students being materially comfortable, it won't guarantee that they will be rich enough to contribute money back. And even if they are, you can't compel them to contribute money.

Jonah: And you, Nat? What would you do as a philanthropist?

Nat: I'd follow Zack's example and try to improve the lives of the poor - but I'd focus solely on spreading ideas rather than erecting structures.

Zack: Eh? What do you mean?

Nat: I think that what really makes a difference to people's lives is information and knowledge. Imagine how people's lives would be improved if they knew simple measures they could take to prevent illness. Imagine how much more productive they could be if they had a better understanding of how to run small businesses. Imagine how much more powerful they could be if they had the knowledge of how to form and organise civil groups to protest against violations against democracy.

And the great thing about knowledge is that with the right tools, you can spread it faster than you can build buildings. With buildings, you have to wait for the beneficiary of your building to become rich enough before he builds for others - and this may not even happen. But with knowledge, once someone understands something well enough, he can start spreading it to other people within weeks or even days. And because it can be spread in this way, it has great multiplier effects - its benefits don't just stop at the first person you tell.

So my main goal would be to spread simple ideas to improve the lives of people in the area of health, technology, business and political awareness. I wouldn't teach the ideas like they are taught in school - I think that this is a real turn-off. Instead, I would use creative methods to spread my ideas - examples, analogies, interviews, cartoons, competitions, jingles and drama.

Zack: If you're trying to spread all these different ideas, your organisation will lose focus and nobody will know what it stands for.

Nat: Ah, well I'll use different organisations for different kinds of ideas so that they don't lose focus.

Jonah: Sounds interesting... but the problem is that unlike parties and buildings where people can see your achievements, you might not get much credit for the benefits that spreading your ideas brings.

Nat (shrugging): Well, I guess I just have to accept that that may be the price of making people's lives better.

Max: It doesn't have to be that way. What you could do is to tie all these ideas that you want to spread into one bundle and call it a new religion - NathanielEkpenyongism. That way, it'll last for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

Nat: Sorry, but I don't fancy myself as a cult leader. I'll be happy just to spread the ideas as they are.

Jonah: Well, that's very interesting - all those ideas on how you'd spend your wealth. Of course, I can't see an end to the hosting of lavish parties, though. There will always be some rich people who want people to know how wealthy they are.

Max (looking at Nat): Oh well - I guess as long as that's going to continue, it looks those organisations of yours might want to concentrate on spreading ideas such as "Musical Performances That Unlock Celebrants' Wallets" or "Getting Big Men Addicted To Your Catering and Cooking"...

Bribery and Corruption

2007-05-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

Good day. Once more, you are privileged to be privy to the goings on in the Junction as our friends meet up after a hard day's work to discuss what has been happening in their lives.

(Max and Zack are listening to a very animated Nat talk about a workplace incident.)

Nat: ...So I was bored of being in the backroom trying to figure out what script to write to retrieve the data, and I decided to wander down to the banking hall to chat with one of my colleagues at the front desk.

Zack: Do they allow you to do that at your bank, then? Weren't you telling me that since the consolidation exercise, your MD had declared 'Operation One Hundred Percent' where he was aiming for a one hundred percent year-on-year increase in the bank's profits? If that's the case, shouldn't they be monitoring staff to ensure that nobody takes an unapproved break?

Max (scornfully): You can talk! We all know that when it comes to ministry officials, it's not so much a case of having rest breaks during a 9-to-5 period of work - it's more a case of having work breaks during a 9-to-5 period of indolence!

Zack (blustering defensively): Nonsense! If you measure the amount of work done per naira paid for the work and consider the pittance we get paid as civil servants, you will find that we do far more work than so-called businessmen who engage in dubious deals. (In a raised voice to drown out the start of Max's retort) Aaaaaanyway Nat, you were telling us about your unauthorised break.

Nat (relieved at the fizzling out of a potential war of words): Yeah, so I was in the banking hall looking for Tunde, and I noticed this very well dressed lady...

Max: What? You're now looking at ladies other than the lovely Jennifer? She won't like that o!

Nat (laughing): No, this was a much older lady. She looked like a big madam - like the wife of some 'big man'. She also looked somewhat lost - like she wasn't quite sure what she should be doing.

Zack: Not a proper Nigerian big madam, then. If she were, then she would have been throwing her weight around, pounding on desks, shouting "Do you know who I am?" and demanding to be served this instant.

Max (mockingly): Hm... sounds like someone is talking from his rich experience of having to deal with irate citizens who are quite rightfully annoyed at his lackadaisical attitude to his work.

Nat (hurriedly interjecting to forestall another war of words): Well, I don't know who exactly she was... but as I said, it was obvious that she needed help. So I walked up to her and asked her if I could help her. It turned out that she wanted a bankers' draft prepared for her. She had asked a cashier to help her, and he had gone away and disappeared for over fifteen minutes, and she had no idea of where he had got to.

Anyway, I got a description of him from her and told her I would look for him to find out what was happening. It turned out that the reason he was taking so long was that he had been hijacked by a manager to do some other work while in the back. He hadn't thought the manager's work would take so long, but unfortunately... Anyway, I helped to get someone else to sort out the woman's draft, and in five minutes it was ready. She was so grateful to me that she offered me a gift of five thousand naira. Of course I refused, saying that I was just doing my job, but she insisted, so... (he spreads his arms outwards, shrugs and smiles).

Max: Lucky you! No wonder you're so happy today. Of course, as your friends, we must celebrate your good fortune with an extra glass of kunu - not so, Zack?

(But Zack slowly shakes his head disapprovingly.)

You mean to say that you went ahead to accept money from this woman?

Nat: Yes, I did - what's the problem there?

Zack (still shaking his head): That is as good as accepting a bribe.

Nat (surprised): What are you talking about? I didn't ask her to give me the money before I helped her. For heaven's sake, I didn't even know she was going to give me money before offering to help. And I even refused her offer of money at first. So how can that be like accepting a bribe?

Zack: Think about it. Supposing she returns to your bank in the future and you see her waiting around the hall looking for help, are you not going to be more disposed towards helping her? And would that be fair - giving precedence to one customer over another?

Nat (slightly annoyed): Zack, honestly I think you're overreacting here. First of all, you wouldn't normally find me in the banking hall anyway - so it's not likely that she would see me there. Secondly, even if I did see her on a subsequent occasion, my decision to help her would have nothing to do with whether she had given me money in the past.

Max: Don't mind Zack. To hear him talk, you would think that his ministry people were paragons of virtue who even paid you for allowing them to serve you. And even if you chose to be partial to the woman, whose business is that? After all, we are all partial to different people for different reasons. I mean, if Jennifer was waiting to be served, are you honestly telling me wouldn't give her preferential treatment?

Zack: Come on, don't talk nonsense. Nat knows that he is supposed to treat each customer fairly and equally. If he now starts favouring customers who have given him or who may likely give him money, can you not see how this will warp his sense of duty? Instead of him thinking "Who needs the most help?" he will start asking "Who is more likely to reward me with a tip?" And worse still, after a while he will start expecting that he should be rewarded, rather than regarding it as a possibility. He might start hinting that payment for his service should be obligatory rather than voluntary.

(Max begins to retort, but Zack holds up a hand to continue.) And before you bring up Jennifer, it's not the same - even if he treats Jennifer preferentially, the reasons he does so are very specific. So he isn't likely to extend the same treatment to other customers in the same way that he would if he was only interested in serving 'paying' customers.

Max: I still don't agree. By Nat focusing on wealthy customers, he is performing a valuable service. Think about it - when customers who are too poor to offer a tip see that they are spending a longer time waiting at the bank, they'll withdraw their services and leave. Conversely, richer customers who offer a tip will notice that their service improves, and they will spread the word to their friends about "this fantastic bank where you're in and out in five minutes". That means more rich customers, which means bigger profits. There will also be the side benefit that such customers will no longer have to mingle with the riff raff and endure their terrible sense of fashion.

Zack (disgusted): Oh, you think you are too good for us now, eh? Talking of banning poor people from banks because of the way they look! I suppose you'll be telling us that you're too good for this place, and that we should start meeting at 'Nite Lights', that fancy restaurant on the other side of town!

Max: Cool down. You know that I have no problems with anyone's social status - but I can tell you that this is how rich people are. They want to keep themselves to themselves, and that's why they live behind big fences in secluded estates.

Nat: Anyway, your argument is flawed on so many levels. For one, since consolidation, banks have to be more competitive to make money - and that means making money not just from a few rich people but also from the emerging middle class in Nigeria today. Secondly, you're assuming that all rich people will want to tip bank staff. They might note that the staff of other banks don't ask them for tips and still give good service and wonder why should they offer tips at this bank.

Zack: Abi o! Then our money-mad friend here is forgetting that sometimes, rich people may send someone to make a bank transaction on their behalf, and that person may not be disposed to pay out tips. But the worst thing about this idea of a bank saying that it's all right for its staff to solicit tips from customers is that it now makes the whole process of doing business with the bank unpredictable and arbitrary. If I go to the bank hoping to cash a cheque, I don't know how much money I need to take along in tips to ease the process. I haven't even spoken about the stench that will hang about the bank's public image when it is perceived as "that place where they encourage their staff to take bribes".

Max (hotly): I object to that last sentence of yours, Zack! A tip is not a bribe. In fact, there are very subtle distinctions between these financial transactions that you should take care to make instead of confusing issues.

Nat (amused): Oh? Would you care to share?

Max: Of course. First, you have the reward, which is something you give after a service has been rendered to you. It may be unsolicited - in which case, you offer it to express your thanks at having the service rendered - or it may be solicited - in which case you offer it so that you don't get cursed for being an ungrateful bastard. Then there is the tip, which you offer in advance of a service being rendered - usually 'to induce promptness' of service. Again, this may be solicited, if you think it'll speed things up for you or it may be unsolicited, in which case you know it'll speed things up for you.

Nat: Interesting... please, go on.

Max: It gets a bit murky from here. There's the dash which is what you give to forestall the possibility of hassle, even though you may be on the right side of the law. This is almost always solicited, and it is what most Nigerians refer to as a 'bribe' even though it technically isn't, really.

Zack: Hold on, Professor of Bribery and Corruption! What's the difference between a solicited tip and a dash then? After all, if I don't offer a tip that has been solicited, my service is going to be poor.

Max: That's a good question. Well, it's a question of degree - if you don't offer the tip, you won't get bad service. You'll still get the normal level of service, only that it won't be as good as it would have been if you offered the tip. On the other hand, if you don't offer the dash, you might end up being unbearably delayed or you might not get any service at all. And of course, if it's a law enforcement officer asking you for a dash, you had better make sure you know your laws and rights inside out, else he'll find a way of turning the situation from one where he asks for a dash into one where you have to offer him a bribe.

Nat: I guessed you were going to get to that soon.

Max: Oh yes. The bribe - which again may be solicited or unsolicited - is where you offer something to cause Black to turn into White and Wrong to turn into Right. In other words, the bribe is like a magic wand that causes irritating laws and regulations to disappear in a puff of smoke. You may offer a bribe for two main reasons - first, because you want to obtain something good, and there's a law standing in the way - and second, you've misbehaved and want to avoid the full weight of the law falling on your head.

Zack: From the lack of condemnation in your voice, I'm sensing that you've given a few bribes in your time.

Max (in a hurt voice): Zack, how can you say such a thing about me? I'm just an honest businessman trying to make ends meet in this harsh country of ours. If I have ever given a bribe - and I'm not saying that I have - then the blame lies not with me but with the federal and state governments that introduce ridiculous and counterproductive laws which serve no purpose except to hamper and frustrate businessmen so that they are forced - yes, forced - to bribe government officials.

I mean, look at the other day when the state government enacted a law decreeing that all business premises must have a portrait photograph of the State Governor. Of course they conveniently added that only officially approved photographs should be used, and such photographs could only be obtained at the Ministry of Information at an exorbitant price. Tell me which businessman wouldn't be tempted to make that law vanish with a wave of a wad of naira notes?

Zack: Don't use the excuse that the government passes lots of stupid laws to justify giving bribes in order to escape sensible ones. If that was the case, we might as well abolish laws altogether - and you know where that would get us. And really, the right thing to do is to publicly campaign for the stupid law to be scrapped. If you choose to bribe your way round it, then you're just encouraging the government to come up with more of these stupid laws to make more money for government officials.

Nat: So Max, are there other kinds of payments we should know about?

Max: Just one more - the extortion payment. This is pretty much as near to robbery as it gets without it actually being robbery. Here, it is made clear to you from the outset in no uncertain terms that you are expected to give something, sometimes in return for performing a service of dubious value, sometimes in return for nothing. The important distinguishing factor is that failure to give could result in something very unpleasant like property damage or physical abuse. In fact, the only thing that stops me from calling it robbery outright is that the people who make the demands are not as aggressive and threatening as an armed robber might be - indeed, they can be quite polite.

Nat: I guess you're talking here about those area boys who converge on your vehicle at night if it's broken down and 'kindly' offer to push it to safety, right?

Max: Yep, Brother Nathaniel - that's a good example.

Zack (dismissively): I think all that you've just said about all these categories is just an attempt to create confusion. For me, all of them are branches from the same stem - the stem of corruption. Once you try to excuse one type, you are opening the door to excuse the rest - and that is wrong. We must adopt a zero-tolerance approach towards these kinds of behaviour if we are ever going to eradicate corruption from this country!

Max (shrugging): Well Zack, that's certainly your point of view - but you won't get many people who will share your view that someone accepting an unsolicited reward for services provided should be dealt with in exactly the same way as someone seeking a bribe in order allow someone to dump toxic waste on farmland. The reality is that a lot of people weigh up the benefits against the costs of either giving a dash, bribe or tip on the one hand - or dealing with the hassle of going down the legal route on the other. And in a country like Nigeria where law enforcement is weak and arbitrary, the former option is often more attractive. (Clears throat) Anyway, enough of this talk. Nat, how about those two celebratory glasses of kunu?

Nat: Two? Who isn't drinking?

Max: Who isn't drinking? Our incorruptible civil servant, of course. The last thing we want is for him to be sacked for enjoying the ill-gotten gains of corrupt practice!

Defending Democracy against Riggery, Thuggery and Skullduggery

2007-04-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

(Nat and Zack are sitting at their usual in the Junction table with their heads bowed down in silent gloom. Every now and then, a head is raised, a sigh breaks forth and the head returns to bowed despondency. As they are sitting in this pose, Max enters the Junction whistling cheerfully, but he stops short when he sees the other two.)

Max: My friends! What is going on? I hope nobody has died o!

Nat (with his head still bowed): Actually, we are mourning a death.

Zack (raising his head): Yes - we are mourning the death of Nigerian Democracy, which was abducted at machine-gun point, then beaten up, repeatedly raped, tortured and then cruelly hacked to death at the last gubernatorial elections.

Nat: And to add insult to injury, the corpse was disembowelled, flung on to an open refuse tip and left to provide a feast for flies, vultures and other scavengers.

Max (cheerily): Is that why you guys are wearing such long faces? Come on - cheer up. Nigerian democracy hasn't even been born yet. What you saw was just its bastard brother.

Zack (in a low voice full of anger): Please Max, if you have nothing meaningful to say, don't say anything. We're not in the mood for your jokes.

(Max looks silently at his friends for a while.)

All right, Nat, Zack - I'm sorry. I can see that you guys are really upset about last Saturday. But really, what did you expect? That a government that rigged elections in 1999 and 2003 would all of a sudden realise the error of its ways and do the right thing? That an electoral commission that couldn't handle a registration exercise would become a paragon of efficiency?

Nat (wearily): Yes, we saw. But we hoped - we hoped that even in the face of all that, the government would see the determination of the people not to have their votes stolen from them.

Zack: Yes, we hoped that they would see us trooping out en-masse to go and vote and take that as a sign that we were prepared to defend our democracy as we defended it during the 'third term' saga.

Max: Nigerians defended democracy during the third term saga? (barks out a laugh) Please get real and stop deluding yourself. Nigerians don't defend democracy. Instead, they sit in their houses and make a lot of noise about how things should change. They devise all kinds of crazy impractical ideas from splitting Nigeria into one thousand different states to calling down God to set up a Holy Dictatorship. But what - they - definitely - do - not - do - is to go out on the streets demonstrating against plans to subvert democracy. That third term defeat? It had more to do with politicians who were trying to preserve their power and less to do with citizens preserving democracy.

Zack (defensively): Well, you can say what you want, but if people hadn't made such a loud noise about it, I doubt that the politicians would have had the courage to vote against the attempt to extend Obasanjo's stay.

Nat: Well Zack, from the evidence of what we heard over the weekend, it looks like the government really doesn't care about the loud noises that the people make.

Max: Was your experience really that bad, Nat?

Nat: Actually, my own story wasn't a case of vote stealing - it was more a case of vote losing. I got up early in the morning, because I wanted to cast my vote and go about some other business that I had lined up for the weekend. I got to the polling station just when voting was supposed to be starting, but I found that the INEC officials hadn't yet turned up. No problem - I assumed that they were just observing 'Nigerian Time'. However, when they still hadn't shown up after four hours, I decided that this was stretching the 'Nigerian Time' concept just a little too far. I was about to abandon the whole idea when they showed up, claiming that they had had problems getting the materials they needed.

Anyway, the voting exercise started, but when it got to my turn to vote, I found that I had been assigned to vote at a station at least three kilometres away. I was determined to vote, so I trekked the distance to the other station. However, when I got there, their records said that I was supposed to vote at the original station. I protested that I had just come from there and demanded to be allowed to vote, but they refused. I was so disgusted that I trekked back home straight away.

Max: That looks like plain incompetence, but you never know. Perhaps someone looked at the details that you submitted during registration and decided that you fitted the profile of the kind of person who was likely to vote against the government - so your details were 'accidentally' mixed up.

Zack: At least Nat can claim that there is a possibility that his vote got lost. My own case was worse.

Max (smiling): Of course, Zack. The world would not be complete if your own case wasn't worse.

Nat: Don't mind him, Zack - tell him your ordeal, as you told me.

Zack: Well, unlike Nat, I decided to take my time in getting to the polling station, because I know how Nigerians are with our timekeeping. I got there about an hour late, and to my pleasant surprise, voting had already started. I joined the queue, and everything seem to be going all right - people were being orderly, the officials were efficiently locating names and handing ballot papers... it was like a dream.

Max: And I'm sure you're about to tell the part where the dream turns into a nightmare.

Zack (sighing): Of course, it was too good to be true. After an hour of voting, from nowhere, some rough-looking, wild-eyed hoodlums descended on the polling station wielding machetes and demanding to have the ballot box. Everyone took to their heels - the first law of survival in these situations is "Never argue with a man wielding a machete, especially if he looks like he would really like to use it".

Max (incredulously): Everyone? Didn't you have a policeman attached to your station?

Zack: He took to his heels too. After all, a machete will cut through a policeman's neck as cleanly as a 'bloody civilian's'.

Max: Didn't he have a gun or something? What is the point of attaching a policeman to a polling station if he can't defend the ballot box?

Nat: Come on, Max - you know how chronically under-resourced the police is. They likely had to ration out guns and ammo, and maybe Zack's 'policeman' was one of the unlucky ones.

Max: So everyone just ran like that. (Turns to Zack in mock incredulity, eyes popping open.) Even YOU???

Zack (defensively): Stop looking at me like that. Of course I ran - I have a wife and two children, you know.

Max (shaking his head in mock disbelief): I can't believe it. (Rubs his eyes theatrically and pops them open, craning his head directly into Zack's face.) You of all people??? You that swore to defend democracy with the last drop of your blood???

Zack (irritated): All right, I'm a coward! Is that what you want to hear? What would you have done, O Protector of the Universe?

Max (amused): Me? I would have rendered my services in helping them arrive at suitably credible figures. These thugs have no idea about how to concoct believable election results - did you hear about how they declared that there was a 90% turnout in Rivers State, with 90% of the votes cast going to the PDP? (Catches Zack's glowering expression and backtracks.) No, I'm just joking. You know what I feel about party politics already, so you wouldn't catch me within a kilometre's radius of a polling booth.

Nat (despairingly): So is that what elections are all about? Whoever has the largest amount of money to pay the most violent thugs wins?

Zack: Not necessarily. Even if thugs visit a place, the elections there can be declared null and void if enough evidence is gathered to prove that this was the case. And this is how people can defend democracy - by acting as witnesses to any attempt to wreck it. After several rounds of election annulments, one of two things will happen. The politicians will get fed up of paying thugs to steal ballot boxes when doing so doesn't result in victory for them. Or since the elections in the polling stations that don't have thuggery problems will have been successfully concluded, this will free up the police to concentrate on the problem areas and deter the thugs.

Max: Ah. But you're assuming that the government will respect the evidence of the voters and annul the elections. What if they just tough it out and say "to hell with the voters - we're going to install our people!"?

Zack: Then the people will take to the streets in protest. No serious government will ignore that.

Max: Of course not. How could the government ignore a heaven-sent opportunity for its soldiers to test their whips, teargas and ammunition, especially when it knows that the sight of a mere machete (grins and winks at Zack) is enough to send even the boldest of Nigerians scurrying for cover?

Nat: Anyway, no sensible Nigerian will go out and protest. Who wants to die when they know that their death will be in vain?

Zack: Both of you are talking nonsense. Do you think that if we came out in numbers of up to a million, soldiers would dare shoot us? If we came out in those numbers, the protest would be assured of victory, so the issue of dying in vain wouldn't arise.

Nat: Zack, please be realistic. Do you think it's a simple matter to click your fingers and order one million Nigerians on to the street?

Zack: Hmm... I think Nigerians would come out onto the streets if they found something worth getting angry over. Like an attempt to steal their hard-earned votes.

Max: You're deluding yourself again, Zack. Votes aren't like money whose benefits are immediately evident. You steal one thousand naira from someone, you see murder in his eyes. But you steal his vote - and he complains a bit, then shrugs and says "God dey". This is why I was advocating hooking up money with democracy the other day...

Nat: And people aren't that passionate about democracy - it's still seen as something that big men do. Perhaps the solution is to give people another reason to be so angry at the government that they'll come from all corners of the country - from Uyo, from Zuru, from Lagos, from Maiduguri - and descend on Aso Rock to throw out Obasanjo.

Zack: There are enough reasons already - we're talking about a man under whose watch Nigerians have suffered terribly, a man who has conducted a shameless feud with his deputy and put the stability of the country at risk, a man who...

Max (yawning): Oh Zack, please spare me the lecture. None of what you're saying will have any effect - if people already know this, why has no riot happened yet? No - the solution is to tap into those twin issues that set off the most primordial feelings in the heart of all Nigerians - ethnicity and religion.

What you do is that you start a rumour amongst the Yoruba that Obasanjo regards them as sheep who will blindly follow him in whatever he tells them to do, so he doesn't need to worry about them disturbing his plans for a future government. Then you spread a rumour amongst the Igbo that Obasanjo has said that while he lives, they shall never taste power because they have not finished paying for their sins of the civil war. Then you spread yet another rumour amongst the Hausa that Obasanjo said that they are deluded if they think they will ever hold power, because he plans to manoeuvre Yar'Adua out of power after only a few months so that a southerner can take over. Oh, and put it about in the Niger Delta that Obasanjo is planning to invite the Americans to launch a full scale invasion and level the entire Delta so that Nigeria can enjoy its God-given natural resource.

Then for a finishing touch, spread the story that Obasanjo plans to abolish Sharia completely amongst Muslims, and the story that he plans to allow even states like Lagos to adopt Sharia amongst Christians, and you will finally have set the stage for a full-scale civilian invasion of Aso Rock which will result in the utter obliteration of Obasanjo from the face of the earth.

Nat (aghast): I can't believe that you're even seriously considering that. Have you stopped to think about the possible cross-conflicts that your irresponsible rumour-mongering would cause? How it would cause Christians and Muslims to be at each others throats, for example?

Max: Well, at least it would get rid of Obasanjo, which is what you guys want.

Nat: Not at that price - that's like firebombing your house to get rid of cockroaches.

Max: Of course, there's always the possibility that we get through all this in one piece, and some of the economic reforms that have been pushed by Obasanjo begin to take root. Then these will create more jobs and more wealth so that people feel more empowered to stand up and protest when democracy is under threat, so that thugs no longer feel obliged to go down the route of thuggery to make a living.

Zack (gloomily): I'm not as sanguine as you about this. I see more hardship for the common man if this kind of rigging continues.

Max: Cheer up! For all you know, what you experienced last weekend might not even be rigging. Perhaps they were those men who go round collecting waste paper for recycling and they were just a bit desperate to meet their targets?

My Coconut or Your Coconut?

2007-04-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

(Max and Zack are chatting in the Junction when Nat enters with a smile on his face and something under his arm.)

Zack (turning round): What's making you so happy? And what's that under your arm?

(Nat holds out the object out for them to see.) See! A round, juicy coconut!

Max: How do you know it's juicy? You can't tell that kind of thing from looking at the outside of a coconut. For all you know, it might be shrivelled up and full of maggots.

Nat (still smiling): Well, my philosophy in life is - when I have two equally valid and probable interpretations of the same event, I always choose the one that makes me happy. Therefore, I declare this coconut juicy and succulent!

Zack: What's so special about this coconut that's making you so happy anyway? It's not like coconuts are that hard to come by - you can get one for a hundred and fifty naira.

Nat: Well, the manner in which I got this coconut almost makes me believe it was a gift from God. I was rushing to get here today after a meeting at work that overran, and I hadn't had enough time to eat lunch so I was seriously hungry! I was hoping that I would meet one of those hawkers who sell stuff on the way while taking the bus down here, but it seemed to be my unlucky day. Then just as I was about to enter the Junction, I was passing the coconut tree just outside when... gbam! this coconut drops right in front of me! Is that cool or what?

(Just them, a loud clearing of the throat is heard from behind the bar. The sound is loud and distinct enough for our three friends to know that it isn't accidental, but is designed to draw their attention to the throat clearer - who is none other than Philo, the proprietor of the Junction.)

Philo: Nat, did I hear you say that you got that coconut from the tree outside the Junction?

Max: Correction, Philo - if you were eavesdropping intently instead of minding your business at the bar as you should be doing, you would have heard him say that the coconut delivered itself to him - possibly on the orders of the Almighty Himself.

Philo: My friend, don't talk nonsense. Anything I hear inside this bar is my business. And what I definitely heard was that Nat picked up a coconut that dropped from my tree.

Max: Hold on o - Nat never said that it dropped from your tree. All he said was that he was passing your tree and the coconut dropped in front of him. For all we know, it could have flown in from a tree on the other side of town. Remember, we are talking about the possibility of divine intervention here.

Philo: Did you not hear me earlier when I told you not to talk nonsense? Who ever heard of a flying coconut? (turns to Nat) You know fully well that that coconut is rightfully mine, so please let me have it right away!

(At this, Max, Nat and Zack chorus in dismay, uttering statements such as "Come on, Philo - it's just a coconut!", "Why are you behaving like a dictator, now?" and "How do you think God will feel if Nat throws His gift back in His face?". But Philo is unmoved, and he raises his voice threateningly.)

If you guys don't surrender that coconut, then I will have to consider whether I want my bar frequented by people who steal coconuts from me, as well as people who move with such people!

(Grumbling, Nat gets up and reluctantly drops the coconut on the bar worktop, then returns to his seat. Philo nods his head and retires to a room at the back, presumably to store the coconut away.)

Zack (annoyed): You should have dropped that coconut with enough force to 'accidentally' crack it open. This is one of those times that I'm tempted to look for a better place to go and relax after hours. I mean, is there a law that says that any tree within a particular distance of your house is your own?

Nat: Hmm... I don't think that Philo was operating under written-down laws... I think he basically decided one day that this was his coconut tree, and since there was nobody there to challenge him, he began acting like it was his tree. Obviously, everyone else who has come by since has seen him acting like it's his tree, so they've assumed that he must have some backing from some 'higher authority' and they've gone along with the idea that it's his tree.

Max (musing): So... if we now challenge him, everyone else will come to his defence saying that he owns the tree, even though the only reason they say so is because he's always acted like he owns the tree. Interesting... so I could ask Zack to lend me his mobile phone for a few days, then go round town posing like it's mine. Then when he comes to collect it back, I turn round to everyone and exclaim in indignation that he wants to relieve me of the phone that they all know is really mine. Cool!

Zack: And yet again, you reveal your criminally psychopathic tendencies. But it doesn't matter - your plan would fail, because as Nat failed to mention, it would only work if there isn't an equally powerful counter-claim - and unfortunately for you, there are large numbers of people who would be able to vouch that I have owned the phone for a longer period than you.

Max: But I'd pose with the phone in front of many more people, so the number of people supporting me would be bigger than those supporting you! Hah!

Nat: But it's not just about getting a bigger army of supporters behind you - I think the quality of your supporters matter as well. The people you would get to vouch for you wouldn't be as passionate about your cause as those backing Zack. This is because his supporters would include friends, family and co-workers who know him very well and who would be passionate about his case - whereas your 'supporters' - the people who you would supposedly be relying on to come to your defence on the basis that they had seen you with the phone - would just be strangers who you'd passed in the street, posing with the phone. So they would just melt away rather than confront Zack's army - after all, why should they care about you?

Zack: Anyway, I think this 'my-army-is-bigger-than-your-army' approach to defining ownership is not only confusing but it is also very unfair! Imagine a situation where I buy a house and then shortly after, I go away for a few years. Imagine that a squatter then takes over the house and pretends it's his own. So when I come back, I find that the squatter has set himself up as the landlord, and nobody in the neighbourhood believes me because he has done a good job of convincing everyone else that he's the real owner.

Max: Well, it would be your fault for not visibly staking your claim in such a way that everyone knew you were the landlord.

Nat: Don't mind Max. Despite what he says, you have a force backing you that is bigger than all of the people in the neighbourhood - and that's the government's law enforcement agencies. If you really did buy the house, then a record of the transaction should be in the land registry's office, right? You'd have the deeds to the house to prove your ownership, not so? And with those, you can take your case to court and have a good chance of winning.

Max (snorting in contempt): Court? Abeg, don't make me laugh! The case will drag on for so long that either you'll end up being pauperised by legal fees or when it's finished, you'll find that the squatter has defaced your house so badly that you might as well level it and start all over again.

Zack: Come on, Max - you know that Nat is right. We need the government to properly protect what we own so that we don't have anarchy in the land.

Max: Oh, I don't have a problem with government protecting what we own. The problems are - one - the government doesn't seem to be interested in doing that, and - two - the government doesn't seem to be able to do that. In fact, I doubt if the government is really sure what exactly we do and we don't own. The stories I could tell you about what happens when people go to buy land... (sighs)

Nat: What stories?

Max (still sighing): Stories about what happens when the government issues you a certificate of occupancy document that's supposed to give you the right to occupy the land - well, I say "right to occupy the land", but really the government is going to seize back with one hand what it is 'giving' you with the other...

Nat (confused): What on earth are you talking about?

Max (wearily): Don't you know? I'm talking about the Land Use Decree which declares that as of 1978 - when the bloody decree was passed - the government has the ultimate right to determine who occupies and who uses land. When people say they own a plot of land, what they really own is a leasehold on the plot till 2077 - that's ninety nine years after the decree was passed. After that, the government has the right to reclaim your land.

Zack: I think there's a good side to this... for example, if the government decides that railways or roads should be built to connect one part of the country to another, then it's a good idea for it to be able to easily acquire the land that it needs to do this without some enemy of progress blocking the plan because his plot of land happens to be in the path of the railway.

Nat: Hm! You can talk, Zack... until it's your plot of land that happens to be in the path of the railway.

Zack: So are you saying that the government's plans for the majority of people should be held hostage because some selfish so-and-so refuses to give up his land?

Nat: Well, if the government wants it, the government should buy it at a reasonable price - not use the excuse of the Land Use Decree to seize it.

Max: It's funny that Zack should bring that up, because the decree talks about the government exercising it's power to acquire land "in the public interest". (Smiles wryly) I always shake my head whenever I see that phrase "in the public interest", because it is the backdoor that government officials use to smuggle all sorts of unsavoury practices on board. For example, it's not uncommon to hear of a governor deciding that some land with a potentially high value should be acquired "in the public interest". Of course, in this case, "the public interest" means issuing certificates of occupancy to his friends and relatives left, right, up, down, back and forth!

Anyway, you can see that having one of these certificates of occupancy means that you have the government's 'blessing', so to speak, to do what you want with the land. And so you can also see why any prospective landowner will want to have one of these certificates. So it's not difficult to imagine that a 'smart' government official will quickly realise that the more of these certificates he issues, the more 'settlement' he can receive - even if the certificates are for the same property.

Nat: But surely there's some sort of register which tells who owns what property?

Max: Yeah, there's a land register - and in the ideal world, the official issuing the certificates should use this to confirm the status of the property he is issuing a certificate for. But why let an irritant like that stand in the way of egunje? Anyway, the official will probably convince himself that the register is highly unreliable.

Zack: You know... now you mention this, I'm not even sure if the certificate of occupancy is enough to give the landowner peace of mind. I'm reminded of a story where this person I knew had bought some land that had been acquired and allocated by the government. He was quite relieved after obtaining his certificate of occupancy because he believed that this was the most problematic part of the process, but when he started to erect a fence round his property, some people came calling.

Nat: Who were they?

Zack: Well, they said that they were the traditional owners of the land, and as far as they were concerned, they knew nothing of any government acquisition of their land, and this man should make payment for their land, or else... (makes threatening gesture)

Max (smiling wryly): I guess that's an example of the natural law where you assert your right because you have a large army of supporters.

Nat: So what did he do?

Zack (shrugging): What could he do? In a civilised society, he would have waved his C of O at them and that would have sent them scurrying with their tails between their legs. But this is Nigeria, where even the government officials will encourage you to settle with the traditional owners instead of giving you the backing that the document promises you.

Max: So Zack, it would be nice to have a formal structure where we just rely on the government - but when the government is so incompetent, what else can you do?

Nat: I get the feeling that a lot of the problems are due to poor record keeping and restriction of access to this information. It's like the government officials in the land registry benefit from having this information locked away so that people have to go and beg them with money.

So I think that what would be a good idea is to computerise all this information. The government could have a central database which would hold information such as the address of a property, the co-ordinates of that property, a detailed survey plan of the property, a map showing where the property was located and the name and details of the person or organisation that held the title to that property. This database could be the single reliable authority so that people could cross check the authenticity of a certificate of occupancy against it. And it could be available on the Internet so that people wouldn't need to make expensive trips to their local government office to verify the status of land they were thinking of buying.

Max: Very laudable, Nat - but there's still the gargantuan problem of trying to decide who owns what in the first place. Remember that there are loads of duplicate C of O's flying around pointing to the same property... not to mention those traditional communities who haven't even registered their land in the first place.

Nat: The problem may be huge - but it's still possible to resolve. For cases where there is land in dispute, the government can set up specialist courts to resolve land cases speedily. The courts can dispense with much of the formalities that you see in everyday courts, and they can make all people coming to settle disputes that they should bring all their evidence ahead of time or risk having their case struck out. As for people who haven't registered their land, the government can impose a generous time limit beyond which if people haven't registered their land, it could potentially be forfeit.

Zack: And just to back Nat up, I believe that the Federal Capital Territory Minister, Nasir el-Rufai is trying to do something like this. He's asked all owners of land to re-register their properties, and he's even getting all that information computerised - there's this system called the Abuja Geographic Information System where not only the information about certificates of occupancy of property are recorded in the system, but also the geographical coordinates of the property on the ground are recorded as well.

Nat: So it is doable, Max. Hopefully, when other indigenes of other states see what is happening in Abuja, they will press for their own governments to institute similar policies.

Max: That would be wonderful... then we wouldn't have greedy bar owners telling us that they own coconuts which are quite clearly not theirs.

Zack: Why are you going on and on about this coconut? It's not like it was even your coconut. Talk about a case of the outsider weeping louder than the bereaved!

Max: It's a matter of principle... but I don't think you would understand. (Gets up.)

Nat: Where are you going?

Max: It just occurred to me that if a coconut could fall down from the tree when you were passing by, then the same thing could happen to me as well.

Zack: You're forgetting that divine intervention may have been involved... and the last time I checked, you proclaimed yourself not to be a believer in such matters.

Max (chuckling): Oh, don't worry. The coconuts will fall when I pass by that tree all right. It may take some shaking, some stick throwing and possibly even some climbing... but trust me - they'll fall...

Do or Die

2007-03-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

(Max and Zack are once again deeply engrossed in a game of oware. Nat is nowhere in sight.)

Max (grinning): I'm sure you're going to play at some point in time. You can frown until the wrinkles on your forehead become permanent - but I can't see any way out for you this time!

Zack (irritably): Why must you always chatter like a monkey when you think you are in a position of advantage in this game? Always yapi-yapi-yapi-yapi-yapi-yap! I don't blame you... it's not often you find yourself in this situation.

Max (grinning even wider): Do I detect the sound of bitterness and frustration? Eh? OK, I agree - I am a baboon! I am even an orang-utang if you like! Just plaaaaaay, my friend!

(Just then, Nat stumbles into the Junction with his clothes torn and a cut in his forehead. Max and Zack turn to face him in shock.)

Max: Holy Kokorioko! Nat, what happened?

Zack: Come and sit down - are you all right? You look terrible!

(Nat settles down in a chair, gesturing for a drink of water. Max gets a drink, which he gulps down with impressive alacrity.)

Nat: Ah! That's better. My friends, sometimes I really despair over the behaviour of some Nigerians.

Max: Don't we all, Brother Nathaniel?

Zack (impatiently): So what happened?

Nat: Well, I left work about an hour ago to get to the Junction this evening to meet you guys. I boarded a bus coming this way as I usually do, and everything was OK until we got to one police checkpoint where the policemen motioned the driver to pull over.

Max: So far, so usual.

Nat: That's right. Except that in a change to the script, the bus driver declared that he had already paid enough to these thieves today - and there was no way he was going to pay yet another fifty naira. So instead of pulling over, he went into 'actor' mode - he hit the accelerator pedal and drove through the checkpoint, scattered the pole and drums the policemen used to set up the barrier and sent them scurrying for their lives!

Zack (laughing): Excellent! I would have loved to be there to see their panic.

Nat: Except it wasn't a laughing matter for those of us in the bus - we were panicking even more than the policemen. Attempting to run over a policeman - that is tantamount to signing your own death warrant. What if the policemen started chasing us and one of us got hit with an 'accidental discharge' from a gun?

So all the passengers began to plead with the driver to let them get off before the policemen commandeered a vehicle and caught up with them. Unfortunately, I think the driver had realised the enormity of his action and decided that it was best for him to make his escape by driving as madly and furiously as he could. And I tell you, I have never experienced such driving in my life, nor do I ever want to experience it again. Bumps o - potholes o - narrow gaps o - he treated all of them like they didn't exist. And we poor passengers were shaken around like stones in a rattle - thrown against every hard surface and sharp point in the bus!

Max: So that's how you got your clothes ripped.

Nat: No-o - let me finish! Anyway, it seems the driver was right to flee - after a while, we began to hear the sounds of shots being fired. One of the passengers looked out of the window and saw a bus some distance back filled with mobile policemen - some even hanging out of the bus - and some were firing their guns into the air, while others were beating a path to our bus through the traffic by using whips to clear the way. Man, I was so terrified I almost did my business there and then!

Max: That would have been too bad, especially because I know for a fact they don't have mobile shalangas in buses.

(Zack glares fiercely at Max.) You think this is a joking matter?

Max (contritely): OK, I'm sorry. Please continue.

Nat: As you can imagine, the other passengers were also terrified - they didn't know whether to choose between stopping and meeting the devil of the policemen, or carrying on with the driver and meeting the deep blue sea of a possible accident. But I wasn't ready to leave my fate to chance. I was sitting near the door, so when I noticed the bus was slowing down to negotiate a particularly sharp corner, I flung myself out of the bus.

Zack: What? Were you mad? Did you want to kill yourself?? What if a car had been coming in your path?

Nat: Well, fortunately for me, the bus was close to the edge of the road, so I landed in a bush, but unfortunately for me it was a very thorny bush (smiles wryly).

Max: Well thank goodness that you escaped relatively unhurt! What happened to the driver?

Zack (rounding on Max): Are you mad? How do you expect him to be worrying about the policemen and driver when he has just managed to escape with his life intact?

Max (defensively): OK, OK... I don't know what your problem is. I just wanted to know how the 'tori' finished, that's all.

Nat: Actually, I don't know what happened to them, and quite frankly I hope I never see either of them ever again. I was too concerned about hiding in the bush so that the policemen didn't pick me up and vent their anger on me.

Max: Actually, that was a wise move. Man, that was some scary adventure - I'm even surprised you still made it into the Junction. If it were me, I would have just gone home to recover!

Nat: No, it wasn't that bad. And besides, the point I jumped out at was nearer the Junction than my flat. But the whole episode really does depress me in other ways.

Zack: How?

Nat: Well, look at it. All this happened just because a bus driver decided that it wasn't worth it stopping for policemen and paying a trifling amount of money. Imagine the lives that could have been lost just because of fifty naira!

Zack: Well, it was good that the driver was standing up for his principles...

Max: You're talking rubbish! What principles? Didn't you hear Nat say that the guy had already settled various policemen along the way? Principles my left buttock!

Zack: So what are you saying? People should never protest? We should all just roll over and let whoever wants give us a good kicking?

Nat (sighing): I'm not saying that. But look at us - look at the things we protest over. A conductor and a passenger will start with a quarrel over ten naira change and finish with a battle royal in which they beat each other senseless. People from two ethnic groups will start with a quarrel over whose right it is to use a shared facility and finish with all the houses of both ethnic groups in the neighbourhood being burnt down. Why do we bring this senseless attitude of 'do or die' to these petty, petty things?

Max: Abi o! Life is too short!

Nat (still sighing): And it's not just when we're resolving disputes that we adopt his attitude. Look at how people say "I must pass this exam or else I'm finished" or "I must get married before I'm thirty or else I'm done for" or "I must make my first million before I'm forty". Why do we put these unnatural pressures on ourselves? Will the world really end if we don't meet these goals?

Max: Ah - that's different o.

Nat: How?

Max: Well, you need to put some pressure on yourself to achieve these goals, otherwise you'll just let things drift by without doing anything about them.

Nat: There's nothing wrong with setting the goals and trying to achieve them. But surely something is wrong when the person who wants to pass the exam now resorts to cheating? When the person who is looking to get married now settles for the first person who comes along out of desperation? When the person who wants to make a million engages in some fraudulent activity so that he doesn't miss his target and consider himself a failure?

Zack: Now that's the kind of senseless do-or-die-ism that I disapprove of! But you know the really funny thing? When it comes to the big things - the things that really matter - we run and hide under our beds. We are very happy to squabble and stress over relatively minor things like bus fare change or exam results - but when it comes to defending democracy against tyrants, we are nowhere to be found. When it comes to protesting against violations of the rule of law, we pretend like nothing has happened. I tell you, this country has problems!

Max: I think you're being unfair, Zack. You know that people can see the relevance of ten naira much more clearly than they can see the relevance of big words like 'democracy' or 'constitution'. Perhaps what we should do is to personalise democracy in a way that people can relate to it...

Zack: How?

Max: How about we have a voting lottery? Say every time you go to vote, you pay fifty naira. Then at the end of voting, random voters are picked as winners of the lottery and they get half of the sum contributed - that would be about one billion naira. The rest will go to pay for the cost of organising the election. I tell you, not only would you get people participating in every election - even the local ones that people don't care about - you would also find people demonstrating violently if anyone was mad enough to truncate their chance of becoming a multi-millionaire by truncating democracy.

Zack (with contempt): Max, I've always regarded your ideas as ethically suspect, but with this you have sunk to a new low. Treating voting like a lottery! Sacrilege! Abomination! Democracy is supposed to be something you defend because you are passionate about it, not because it will make you rich!

Max: I don't see your problem. We already know that Nigerians are passionate about money, so the best way to make them passionate about democracy is to hook democracy up with money.

Nat (holding his hands up): All right guys, enough already. Let's save the debates for another day. (Sees the oware tray in one corner of the table.) Actually, I wouldn't mind playing a game with one of you guys.

(Max notices only too late as Nat starts rearranging the piles of seeds.)

Oh NO!!! NOOOOO!!!!!

Nat (startled): What?

Max: The game wasn't finished! In fact, I was on the verge of defeating Zack when you came in. (mournfully) Why, Nat? Why do you always have to disrupt my game when I'm about to win?

Nat (apologetically): Max, I'm really sorry - honestly, I didn't know.

Zack (grinning): Eeeyah! What a pity. Well, don't take it to heart, Max - I'm sure you'll get another opportunity at almost defeating me in the next five years or so. After all, it's not a do-or-die matter...

Shalanga International

2007-03-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

Before you get down to the business of the day, a couple of announcements.

I really do enjoy writing these posts - doing so provides an outlet for a creativity that I don't get to use while doing my day job. But unfortunately it takes of a fair chunk of my time as well, and it's over the last few weeks, it's become obvious that I can't sustain this. I'm also thinking of starting a new blog to comment on economics, science and technology stories pertaining to Nigeria/Africa, and I know that my work here will definitely take a hit.

So this will be the last weekly post for now - from next week, I'll be publishing roughly every two to three weeks from now on, but never longer than three weeks at a go. Hopefully, things may change and I may be able to get back to a weekly schedule, but we'll see.

Now I should warn you - if you are about to eat, are eating or have just eaten, you may want to stay away from this post for a while. You have been warned once! You have been warned twice!!

Still here? All right - let's get down to business...

(Nat and Zack are in the Junction, waiting for Max to turn up.)

Nat: Very odd... I rang him on my way here, and he said he'd be here tonight.

Zack: You're sure? Has he fully recovered from the incident of Chief X and his henchmen?

Nat: Yes... I got fed up of him staying in my flat so I called Jonah and got him to speak to him to clear up that issue. Apparently, the mysterious chief has his sights trained on some other hapless fellow. (Grinning) Jonah wanted to give him the full story, but I think he has learnt his lesson - he rang off before Jonah could say any more.

Zack: So what could be holding him up, I wonder?

(Just then, Max enters.)

Zack: Ah-ah, what took you so long? Were you listening to some smoking hot gist? (Max pretends not to hear, but Zack just grins wickedly and carries on.) Perhaps the story you were listening to was one about this guy who was so terrified of being beaten up by men of the underworld that he hid in his friend's wardrobe for three days and three nights? (Laughs out loud.)

Max (shrugging): No... I hadn't heard that. But then again, I guess that peddlers of such baseless rumours know that I don't believe everything I hear, so (fixes Zack with a knowing look) they look for some other gullible person to pass them on to. And they couldn't even have found me if they tried, because I was having a change of scene and spending some time with my good friend Nat. (Turns to Nat) Abi not so?

Nat (thinking to himself): It's not me that's going to be the grass that suffers when these two elephants fight. (Aloud) So, Max, what happened? I'm sure you said you were already on your way when I set out from work.

Max: Well, I was... but midway, I got caught short, and I needed to ease myself. So I looked for a hidden corner to do the business.

Zack (in an indignant tone): I can't believe you actually did your business in public! And tomorrow, you'll be the one complaining about how stinking the environment is.

Max: Relaaaax! I was just urinating, that's all. And I did say it was a hidden corner - it's not like people pass by the place I was urinating regularly.

Zack: That still doesn't make it right. You sound like a thief who, when caught stealing says "Well, the person who I stole from is rich enough not to miss his money."

Max (irritated): All right, what should I have done? You know that we don't have public toilets in this town.

Nat: Well, you could have used... (he stops suddenly)

Max (mockingly): Go on - finish what you were going to say - "...the toilets in the Junction", right?

Nat (sheepishly): Actually, yes.

Max (in the same caustic tone): And you know why you stopped before you finished, don't you?

Zack: All right, no need to make a song and dance about it. We all know that the toilets here are known by names such as 'Sewer Central' and 'The Zone of A Thousand And One Stenches'. We all know that the flies in this town hold their annual conventions there. But you know what I blame for this?

Max and Nat (together): The government!

Zack: All right, apart from the government, you know who else I blame for this?

Max and Nat (together again): The President!

(Zack glares at them.) Are you guys going to be serious about this? All right, I'd better tell you. I blame the fact that we have blindly and foolishly thrown away our traditional systems of sanitation in favour of what the West has to offer. Look at us - we can barely maintain our roads and our infrastructure. And yet we are stupid enough to install in our houses plumbing fixtures as fragile as water closets - fixtures which break under even the mildest of usage.

Max: I don't see the problem. In the West, they seem to use these fixtures without any fuss.

Nat: Haven't you been listening to Zack? In the West, they have the money to maintain and replace these fixtures - we don't.

Zack: True. And besides, in the West, they eat light food like cornflakes, salad and rice, whereas we eat heavyweight food like eba, fufu, amala and pounded yam.

Nat: Not forgetting pupuru and lafun.

Zack: True. So you can imagine that when we sit down on the toilet seat to 'do battle', we have to exert a considerably larger force on the bowl rim to expel the denser matter.

Max: So what are you suggesting? That we return to shitting in the bush?

Zack: Come on, no need to go that far back. Don't you know anything? In the days of our forefathers, we had the shalanga - the pit latrine. It was a simple affair - you went, you squatted, you dropped, you washed, you left. No need to worry about leaking pipes, no water for flushing or blocked waste pipes. Zero maintenance!

(Max leans forward and squints at Zack as though trying to make out something from his expression. After a while, he leans back.)

You really are serious about this, aren't you? (Zack nods his head emphatically.) So you're suggesting that people who live in on the fourth floor of a block of flats should dig their own pit latrines, eh? I can imagine that being very popular with people on the third, second, first and...

Nat: What is the matter with you, Max? Come on - Zack isn't suggesting using the pit latrine in its pure form. The idea is to customise the design so that it's like a squat toilet. In other words, you do away with all that expensive bowl-and-cistern nonsense. Instead, you just squat and do the business in a shallow pan on the floor - like you do with a shalanga. Then when you're done, you clean up and use a small bucket of water to flush away the waste. The waste will travel down a hole in the pan which is connected to the same waste pipes as you have with conventional WC fixtures, so people who live in multi-storey buildings will still be able to use them.

(While Nat has been talking, Max's face has been screwing up into a tighter and tighter grimace, and when Nat is done, he bursts forth.)

Max: That is absolutely disgusting! You are actually telling me that my shit will be in this pan while I'm squatting - within actual touching distance of my behind? And there will be no water to mask the smell? That's even worse than a traditional shalanga!

Nat: It's not that bad. It is a pan, so there will be a slight depression which means that your 'job' will still be some distance from your behind. And as for the smell... come on, Max - tell me the person that doesn't mind the smell of his own waste.

Zack: And if you think that is disgusting, I could tell you a story or two about what happens when you use the WC system in our dear country!

Max (doubtfully): Do I really want to hear this?

Nat: Oh, go on, Zack.

Zack: Well, this is about the toilets in our hostels back my university days. Usually, when we had water supplied to our toilets in the hostels, things weren't so bad - but on the many frequent occasions the water supply dried up, man - I tell you, the state of the toilets would definitely give the Junction toilets a run for their money.

Anyway, when the toilets got into this state, most sane people would avoid the place altogether. But of course, there were some hardy souls who still insisted on doing their business there. Obviously, there was no question of sitting on the seat, since the whole of the WC was overflowing with... well, I'm sure you can imagine. So they would do something called a 'Spiderman'.

Max: Huh?

Zack: No, I don't know why they called it that, either. Anyway, you know that the WC is located in stalls whose walls are near each other? Well, what the guys would do would be to stretch their arms and legs, push against the walls and carefully manoeuvre their way up the stall up until their backsides were directly over the 'target'. So in effect, they were suspended directly over the WC without touching it at all.

Nat: Interesting... and I can see why they called it 'doing a Spiderman' now.

Zack: Anyway, one day, this fellow was in the toilet doing his business after having done a 'Spiderman' to get into position high over the WC. I should mention that this particular toilet bowl was in a particularly disgusting state, even by the low standards of the university toilets. There were even maggots... all right, I'm sure you get the picture. I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm guessing that this fellow must have been trying to expel the remains of a particularly heavy meal, so he must have had to use some extra push. Whatever the case, unfortunately while dropping the bombs, he slipped and...

Nat and Max (in horror): NOOO!!!!!

Zack: Absolutely. It was said that for days afterwards, he took no less than five baths a day with strong disinfectant to scour himself completely of the faeces and the experience - and remember, this was during a water shortage too. I don't think he was ever the same person afterwards.

Nat: This is why we should reintroduce shalanga-style toilets in public buildings at least. If your university had had these kinds of toilets where the flushing requirements are minimal, this wouldn't have happened.

Zack: Not only that. Shalanga-style toilets promote squatting as opposed to sitting - and this is a much more optimal position for expelling waste with minimal effort.

Max: That is just nonsense. How do you expect people to feel comfortable if they have to squat for long periods of time in the toilet?

Nat: But that's just the point - squatting will reduce the period of time you spend in the toilet. I mean, what are you doing there, anyway? Remember we're talking about public toilets here - other people are waiting, so it's even good if the toilet makes you feel so uncomfortable that you can't wait to get out.

Max: I still say it's nonsense. Let's fix the water supply and drainage system instead of going back in time and reintroducing technology that the whole world has left behind.

Zack: Well, you're wrong about that. There are many other places in the world where they use these toilets. Apparently, they are quite popular in Japan.

Nat: Don't mind Max. Leave him to his broken-down WCs and walls in hidden corners. Instead, let us celebrate the reliability, utility and versatility of the shalanga.

Zack: You know? Perhaps we should even form a society to celebrate the virtues of the shalanga.

Nat: Yes... we could call it - 'Shalanga International' - just like the human rights organisation call themselves 'Amnesty International' - to celebrate the universal nature of the shalanga.

Max (dismissively): If you want to know what I think of your idea, just take the first two letters of the first word and the first and third letter of the second. In fact, I think that would make an excellent acronym for your proposed society...

Toxic Gist

2007-02-24T06:21:00.000-08:00

(Hello... and I have to commend you on your impeccable timing, as you are just in time to see our three friends at their usual table in the Junction. Max and Nat are hunched close to a fourth person who seems to be barely able to contain his excitement, while Zack looks on at the proceedings with some distaste.)

Nat: So Jonah... what it is you have for us this evening? On your way in, you said there was some hot gist to tell.

Jonah: Yes o... this gist is hot!

Nat (impatiently): Eh, so don't waste our time, now - let the gist flow!

Zack (disdainfully): You guys should be ashamed of yourself. Listening to gossip, like old women.

Max: Nonsense - this is not gossip. It is factual and analytical gist, delivered by one of the most reputable and established spreaders of gist in town (gestures to Jonah). In the West, they have the Internet - in Nigeria, we rely on people like him.

Jonah: Abi o, Max! I tell you, this gist is red hot... smoking hot! It is so hot that it is making my insides vibrate like the engine of an okada doing 160 an hour!

(There is a period of silence as Max and Nat look on at Jonah expectantly.)

Nat (breaking the silence): Well...? Are you going to talk or not? Or has the gist become so hot it has burnt your tongue?

Jonah (smiling): No... I'm just letting the gist simmer in my head for a while to give it more 'flavour'. (Closes his eyes and carries on smiling.)

Zack: More likely, he's thinking of more 'fabu' to add!

Max: I'm warning you... for keeping us on edge like this, this gist had better be worth it!

(Jonah opens one eye, winks at Max and closes his eyes again. Finally, when it appears that their patience has reached breaking point, Jonah snaps both eyes open.)

Jonah: OK, I've had a rethink. Perhaps I shouldn't tell you guys the gist after all.

(There are howls of anger from Max and Nat on hearing this.)

Max: You're a useless man! How can you dangle juicy gist like this in front of us and then yank it just as our jaws are about to close round it?

Zack (smirking): Serves you both right. So Mister Gister, what made you change your mind?

Jonah: I'm sorry, but it just occurred to me that if this gist gets heard by the wrong person, there could be... consequences.

Nat: What sort of consequences?

Jonah (with a knowing look): You know what I mean... consequential kind of consequences.

Zack: Consequences for who? You?

Jonah: Look, the gist is about one prominent person - let's call him Chief X - who is involved in a scandal. If I reveal the gist, I could put the source of the gist in trouble - Chief X will find out who leaked the story and descend heavily on him.

Nat: Eh, don't worry. Your secret is safe with us - we won't tell.

Jonah: Ah - I can't take that chance o. It's not that I don't trust you - but I know how difficult it is to keep hot gist like this inside. Look at me, for example - see how I was burning to share the gist. And if I hadn't reconsidered at the last moment, I would have shared it too!

Zack (annoyed): I don't know what your problem is. Surely if this your Chief X is involved in a scandal, you should be thinking about the greater good - how to expose him, not how to protect your source.

Nat: Zack, I'm surprised at you. Doesn't the violation of trust mean anything to you? How would you feel if you told me something, and I broadcast it to the whole world?

Zack: Nonsense. (Turns to the others.) Tell me, if someone swore you to secrecy then told you that they were going to kill an innocent man, are you telling me that you would stand by and do nothing?

Max: Ah - that is a toxic secret o. I would rather not even be told about that.

Jonah (mockingly): Well, look at you. Were you not the one complaining about me keeping you on edge? You didn't even try and find out whether I was going to deliver toxic gist.

Max: Well, as the deliverer of the gist, it is your duty to tell your audience how radioactive your gist is before we decide whether we want to hear it. We can't read your mind, you know.

Jonah (shrugging): And how do I know what exactly qualifies as radioactive gist? Look at your friends (gestures to Zack and Nat who are still arguing over whether it is right or wrong for Jonah to reveal his information). If they can't decide, how can I?

But it's too late anyway. As far as consequences to yourself are concerned, telling you that I have this radioactive gist is as good as telling you the gist itself.

Max (alarmed): Haba! What are you talking about?

Jonah (smiling): Well, think about it. If the gist were to leak out through some other means, Chief X would start trying to find out who else knows about the gist so that he can silence them. Of course, he would know that I know, and therefore he would know that you know as well. Prominent people in this our society can be very... persuasive... in getting you to reveal information. And I can assure you, this man is very persuasive... with a lot of thugpower at his disposal.

Zack (pausing in his argument with Nat to turn to Jonah): For someone who might be 'persuaded' any moment, you don't sound worried at all.

Jonah (still smiling): Oh, there's nothing really terrible about the whole persuasion process, as long as I play ball and tell him what he wants - the thugpower is just in case I'm stupid enough to be heroic about it all.

Max: But there's no need to tell them the truth - you can just simply say you haven't told anyone his secret.

Jonah (smiling sadly): You see, the problem is that people have already seen me talking with you. They may not know anything of what we've said, but they'll certainly report back to Chief X that we spoke... so it would look bad for me if I didn't reveal this if he questions me.

Max (getting desperate): Eh, can't you say that we were talking about something else?

Nat (grinning): Max, relax - I'm sure that getting beaten up is a not as bad as it sounds. After the first few blows, I'm sure you won't feel a thing.

Max (angrily): Be laughing there. You think you aren't affected? People would have seen Jonah talking not just to me but to you as well!

Nat (suddenly panicky): Eh, yes - we are talking about something else! (In a raised voice, presumably to draw people's attention) Er... oh yes, did you watch that match between Chelsea United and Manchester Villa? Very interesting football match!

(Max and Zack are mortified and hide their faces, while Jonah's voice rings out with laughter.)

Nat (carrying on in the same loud voice, oblivious to Max and Zack's reaction): Yes, very interesting match. Did you see how Manchester Villa were awarded a penalty after they got three corners in a row?

(At this juncture, several people in the bar are sniggering. Zack cannot hide his embarrassment any longer and grabs Nat's shirt.)

Zack (hissing with anger): Will you shut up! You're disgracing all of us here.

Nat: But aren't you worried about the threat of violence?

Zack (still angry): Which threat? Jonah is just having fun at your expense, that's all. (Jonah chuckles as if in confirmation.) How realistic is it that this fictitious person will send his thugs after everyone who might have heard his secret? Not only will he have to send them after every person that that Jonah has spoken to, but he will also have to send them after every person that every person that Jonah has spoken to has spoken to as well.

But the real reason Jonah brought all that up was (turns to Jonah) you don't want to answer my question: why are you hiding information that could expose a criminal? It is this attitude that we have of going 'sofry, sofry' with our leaders that allows them to get away with murder!

Jonah: Come on, my friend. This is gist - it may be true, but it's not court-room standard evidence. Do you seriously believe that you could convict this man on the basis of gist?

Zack: You may not convict him, but revealing the information will help to stir up people to indignation, and this may drive some of them to seek a conviction by looking for evidence.

Nat: That's very unfair. First of all, the gist is unverified. Secondly, it biases the people against the person, so they might even end up fitting whatever evidence they find to match the crime that he is accused of.

Max: I don't care whether the man is guilty or not. What concerns me is that there is gist to be heard and I cannot hear it. Did you actually promise your source not to reveal anything?

Jonah: No... but sometimes, you can tell when it is all right to reveal something or not by judging what will happen if you do reveal.

Max: Can't you just 'leak' the gist? After all, there's no way that prominent person could know that it was your source in particular that revealed the information - anyone could else could have done it. Just drop a few hints... you don't need to name names or places.

Jonah: Well, my source is one of a small circle of people who knows about it. If the story leaks, Chief X will likely use his thugs to beat the truth out of each of the people in this circle until he finds out who divulged the information. But wait - you have an idea there. I guess I could modify the story to protect the 'guilty'.

Nat: I'm beginning to wonder... what was the point of your source giving you this gist if you can't spread it in its true form?

Zack: Yes, I was thinking about that. Perhaps I think your source must have been burdened with the need to share it with someone... and that someone was you. And now you are burdened with the need to share it with someone too. So it looks like his reasons for sharing it were more selfish than you would think.

Nat: In fact, the more I think about it, the less I want to hear it. I don't really fancy having this gist that is burning inside me that I can't share with anyone else.

Zack: And since you know that I want to go public with this, there's no point in sharing it with me. So maybe Max will be willing to be your 'confessor'.

Max: Yeah, don't mind them. Abeg, let's hear the gist - adulterated or not!

(Jonah leans close to Max and begins to whisper into his ear. Max's expression changes from excitement to puzzlement and finally disappointment.)

Max (when Jonah has finished): Is that it? Is that all there is?

Jonah (satisfied): Yeah - what do you think?

Max (shaking his head): Jonah, you're losing your touch. This is old gist - and it's not even true. (Turns to Nat and Zack.) Remember that story that was going round last year about Chief Okorie who was involved in ritual murder? Well, he's changed the names, but essentially, it's the same story.

Nat (mockingly): Jo-nah! All that drama just for this!

(Jonah gives Max an odd look.)

Jonah: Is that what you think the story is about?

Max: Well, yes - isn't it?

Jonah: OK, if that's what you think, don't worry. Anyway, now that I've delivered my gist, I have to go now - I'll see you all soon. (He gets up, turns to look at Max again with an unreadable expression, then walks out.)

Zack: I wonder what all that was about? Why was he talking like that?

Max: I don't know. Basically, he was telling me...

Nat and Zack (together, waving him off): Wait o! Wait!! STOP!!! We don't want to hear your gist - it's toxic! (They both get up and leave before Max can say anything more.)

Max (musing to himself): Well, let's see... did I get the story wrong? Well, he spoke about a prominent chief who sent his men to kill other people... he didn't really mention the word 'ritual', so perhaps I was wrong there. I think he also said that this chief was planning to kill one or two other people as well, especially one who he had recently done a deal with over some electronic spare parts, because the parts were inferior. Hold on o... didn't I recently do a deal involving spare parts? Who was the person I dealt with now... I can't remember his name, I think he must have been fronting for someone. (Thoroughly alarmed now) Supposing I am the one Chief X is after? I must get in touch with Jonah and find out. I hope he hasn't gone far. Jonah! JONAH!! (He gets up and runs out of the Junction shouting.)

The Daily Amebo - Government Sets Out 'Fuel for All' Plan

2007-02-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

I'm sorry that due to a snowstorm of commitments, I'm not going to be able to recount the goings-on in the Junction this week. However, rather than leave you with a blank page, I've decided to publish this article which is a satirical take on the Nigerian Government's handling of the fuel shortages. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope to be back next week with more tales out of Pangolo Junction.

Cheers,

A.W.W.

The Daily Amebo - Government Sets Out 'Fuel for All' Plan

By Basketmouth Jagbajantis

Staff Reporter

Concerned by the incessant fuel shortages being experienced in the country, the Minister of Energy, Dr. Edmund Daukoru has set out a 'Fuel for All' strategy to solve the problem once and for all.

Addressing journalists at a press conference held today, Dr. Daukoru said that he had been personally ordered by the President to devote his energies to dealing with this problem once and for all, now that the president has been informed of how serious it is. "I have it on good authority" said Dr. Daukoru, "that the President was notified of the fuel crisis while he was abroad attending an international convention on the Blueprint for the Evolution of Good Governance in the African Region held in Washington, D.C, where he was photographed no less than twenty-seven times with various global movers and shakers.

"In fact, he was notified by no less a personality than his good friend, President George Bush of America who was the host at the conference. Mr. Bush seemed surprised to see him at the conference, and asked him whether he had managed to obtain the aviation fuel needed to fly to America on the black market. When the President expressed ignorance of what he was talking about, Mr. Bush joked that he must have made a mistake, and that of course the eighth largest exporter of crude oil in the world couldn't really be suffering from a shortage of petroleum products.

"Anyway, as soon as he returned, the President ordered a high-level enquiry on the situation, and after months of deliberation and investigation, I am glad to announce to all that he has concluded that the stories of a persistent shortage of petroleum products are indeed true. This means that we can now proceed to take action to deal with the problem."

Dr. Daukoru announced that the first step to be taken would be declare than henceforth, petroleum products would be given away free of charge. "In the course of our investigations," he went on "we found out that high prices on the black market and fuel shortages seemed to go together. We also found out that lower prices on the general market and general fuel availability also seemed to go together. We therefore concluded that that the lower the price, the more available the fuel seemed to be. Consequently, we have decided to make the fuel free so that the availability will reach infinite proportions."

But Dr. Daukoru said that this regime of free fuel will have to be carefully managed. "As I speak," he said "there are enemies of this nation - I will not mention names, but the retired customs official knows himself - who are plotting how they will cause these measures to fail for no other reason than being bitter, jealous, inadequate and frustrated at the achievements of the President. It is for this reason that we will have to take special care to ensure that the fruits of this new measure are enjoyed by all."

Dr. Daukoru then declared that with immediate effect, all supplies of refined petroleum product would henceforth be transported to Abuja and stored in a huge underground reservoir to be constructed in the backyard of Aso Rock for this purpose. The President would personally watch over this reservoir day and night with cutlass in hand if need be. In fact, he had declared that he would treat it like one of the chickens on his Ota farm, and woe betide the bunkerer who thought he was smart enough to steal a gallon or two of petrol. "As the President put it, 'he will see the naked redness of my eyes'", finished the Minister.

When asked how Nigerians were expected to enjoy the benefits of the free fuel if it was under lock and key at Aso Rock, Dr. Daukoru said that anyone who wanted fuel was free to travel to Abuja and pick it up. "After all, since fuel is now free, the transport fare to Abuja should be ridiculously low, enabling Nigerians far and wide to travel to partake of this latest 'dividend of democracy'. However, anyone intending to pick up fuel would have to submit themselves to inspection by the President to ensure that they were not planning to use it for nefarious purposes "such as supporting certain ex-customs officials".

Dr. Daukoru went on: "Not only will there now be free fuel widely available, but now fatal explosions resulting from vandalised pipelines will be a thing of the past. And eventually, in phase two of his plan, the President even plans to dig up the entire Niger Delta - minus militants, of course - and move that also to the backyard of Aso Rock for safekeeping, so that oil companies can drill in safety without worrying about being kidnapped. So as you can see, all angles have been covered to ensure that Nigerians continue to enjoy access to abundant fuel."

As might be expected, reaction to the news has been mixed. While most Nigerians welcome the news that fuel is to be made free, there are some who are concerned about the repercussions of moving the entire country's fuel supply to Abuja. The Daily Amebo spoke to Kola Adenekan, a self-described "common man", on the streets of Lagos, and he said that it showed that the President was a listening president. "But he should complete what he has started. Instead of just making the petrol free, he should also give each Nigerian N500 along with each litre of petrol that we collect. After all, we should have our own share of the national cake", he finished, to cheers of bystanders.

There was some disagreement expressed with this view by Emeka Onuora, an importer of fuel. "This is an outrage!" he exclaimed. "The government is going to put Nigerians like me out of business! How will I be able to feed my family? Moreover, how can the government afford to spend so much money either refining or importing fuel only to give it away free? This is madness! Madness!!" However, he was unable to finish his speech, as he was cut off by booing, jeering and shouts of "Exploiter! Exploiter!!" from bystanders.

"If Obasanjo likes, he can hide the fuel in his underpants - we shall definitely find a way of bunkering it", said Hassan Okwego, Chairman of the National Association of Bunkerers, in reaction to the announcement. "We shall deploy our extensive resources to bribe, flatter, beg, threaten or cajole our way into that reservoir. And once we have access to the fuel in there, we shall bunker to our hearts content."

The reaction from Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta was more even more hostile. "If the President thinks he can uproot the Niger Delta and leave us behind, then he has lost all touch with reality", spokesman Jomo Gbomo declared. "In case he has forgotten, we are the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta. In other words, our main mission is to emancipate the Niger Delta, whether it is looking out on the Gulf of Guinea or securely locked in some mad man's backyard. And emancipate we shall!

"Indeed", he went on, "after the successful emancipation of the Niger Delta, we may decide that the initials M, E, N and D still have a useful purpose - except that they will now stand for Movement for the Emancipation of Nigerian Diesel from the Aso Rock reservoir. After all, it is the least we deserve after our land has been ravaged by oil exploration."

However, there were some people who gave their complete and total support to the new measure. Speaking from his newly acquired mansion located a stone throw from Aso Rock, Brigadier-General (Apostle (Chief)) Kanganka O. Kanganka (rtd.), a seasoned political veteran said: "Yet again, this government has shown us how masterful it is solving problems that have defeated lesser administrations. I tell you, this strategy is absolutely petrolicious! It is kerosational! It is... it is.. dieselightful! In fact, to show my solidarity with the President, I shall be recommending my services in personally transporting a huge chunk of the fuel to the reservoir."

When asked whether he was not concerned about the danger of concentrating such a large amount of fuel so near a residence, Air-Vice Marshal (Engineer) Kanganka (rtd.) shook his head, smiled and said: "You journalists have come with your scepticism. Tell me, in the history of the universe, have you ever heard of an explosion happening when a reservoir is built near a Head of State's residence? No? Exactly. So don't worry... everything is going to be all right."

Who are You?

2007-02-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

(Hello again. You join me just as Nat is walking into the Junction to meet our two other protagonists.)

Nat: Hello, guys! (Takes a seat.) I've just had this very strange encounter.

Zack: What happened?

Nat: Well, I met this guy I haven't seen since my uni days. We used to be very good friends, so I was very happy to meet him again, except... (a puzzled look comes over Nat's face)

Zack: Except what?

Nat: Except he didn't seem to recognise me at all. He said yes, he went to the same university and yes, he also studied electrical and electronic engineering, but no - he didn't recall seeing someone like me.

Max (incredulously): Really? Perhaps he was 'taking style' to snub you?

Nat: Well, no... he looked just as puzzled and as anxious to clear up the mystery as I did. Very strange indeed.

Zack: Perhaps he did study the same course at the same university as you, but he did this in a different year and you have confused him for your friend?

Nat: Hm... that's possible. I didn't ask him which year he attended the uni. But it just shows that faces aren't as reliable an indicator of identity as most people seem to think.

Zack: But they are still very reliable in the overwhelming majority of cases. Think about it - isn't that why you're so surprised that you've got it wrong today?

Max: Well, they may be reliable today - but who can tell what will happen tomorrow? With the growth of plastic surgery, perhaps in a hundred years time you'll have people changing their appearance like they change their clothes. (Grins) That'll be sweet if you want to avoid your creditors.

Nat: Well, that may not be such a good idea. Remember, just as your creditors will find it more difficult proving that you are you, so also you will find it more difficult proving to your debtors that you are you.

Max: That can easily be dealt with. You'll send a message out to all your debtors that you plan to change your appearance, and you'll include a photo of what you plan to look like.

Zack (grinning): Ah, but then an enterprising debtor might demand for a discount in his debt and threaten to reveal to your creditors what your new appearance will be if you don't agree to his terms.

Max: Ever heard of the phrase "the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing?" Would I be so stupid as to tell my debtors who my creditors are?

Nat: Or he might decide that "what is good for the creditor is good for the debtor" and decide to change his identity without telling you.

Max: Hmm... well, it's clear that we won't be able to rely on faces as a means of identifying people. I can imagine that there'll be all kinds of interesting fallout as a result - I'm thinking of those situations where a man and woman who have undergone plastic surgery are attracted to each other purely on the basis of looks. They might be thinking "I want to marry this person because we're going to have really beautiful children". So they go ahead and get married, but when they have children...

Nat (laughing): It'll be a case of the wind blowing and exposing the nyash of the fowl when they see how unbeautiful their children are! You can change your face, but you can't change your genes.

Zack: So perhaps genetic testing will become a standard way of identifying who people are?

Nat: I don't know... it might be appropriate for situations where you need to formally identify someone, perhaps if a serious financial transaction is supposed to take place - but I can't see it being used in more informal, social situations. All that cutting, spitting and pin-pricking to get hair, saliva and blood for testing would be too awkward and cumbersome.

Max (making a face): Not to mention disgusting and potentially unhygienic. Anyway, it won't work in Nigeria. Too many people will be worried about their body parts ending up in some shrine or other.

Zack: So perhaps a better way of identifying people is how they behave in various situations and what memories of their experiences they have. For example, let's say someone rang you and said they were me. Then you'd try and find out if they know certain things that you know only I know about. (Grinning) Or if they said they were Max, you could respond by saying "This is Nuhu Ribadu of the EFCC calling to enquire about one or two questionable deals you've made in the past". If the phone line went dead before you had finished saying "Ribadu", then you would know it was Max for sure.

Max (smiling wryly): The phone line would go dead, because I would realise that I'd dialled a wrong number and got a joker on the line - Nuhu Ribadu would never say that, since he knows that all my deals are always above board.

Nat: That's an interesting idea - identifying people based not on their physical characteristics but on what you remember of their behaviour. I'm thinking about how this gives rise to the idea of virtual identities that are less tied to a person's physical being but are more tied to their words and behaviour.

In fact, with the the proliferation of online forums, e-mail and long distance phone calls where people interact without seeing each other, these are becoming more important. Someone who communicates using these means may never have seen the person he's talking to, but he still has a very firm idea of that other person's virtual identity - simply because of what he remembers of that other person words and behaviour from previous interactions.

And as the use of the virtual identities grows, you'll have different types of identities developing... people having several virtual identities... several people collaborating to create a single virtual identity... mass produced identities... throwaway identities... fictional identities... identities created by identities... and it'll be difficult telling one identity apart from another.

Max: I can imagine. For example, you could read a story about three identities who sit down in a bar and discuss whatever topic happens to be floating around in their heads, and you could end up wondering whether they're fake, real or a mixture of the two.

Nat: True. And I haven't even begun to talk about the kinds of virtual relationships these identities will form. I don't think they'll be any less intense than relationships in the real world - you only have to look at how people insult and curse themselves out on online forums - but I think that as people invest more and more of themselves in these virtual relationships, they'll want to know whether the person behind the identity is real or fake so that they know that their investment is worthwhile.

Zack: Why can't they just meet the person in the flesh? You guys are just going over the top with all this talk of virtual identities.

Nat: Why? How about lack of time? Or lack of money to make a long distance flight?

Max: Not to mention lack of visa. Or even lack of desire to meet the person.

Nat: Lack of desire? Surely there comes a time when where you absolutely want to see the face and hear the voice behind the identity.

Max: Not necessarily. Sometimes, you just know the reality cannot match the hype - and you really don't want to find out how far the reality is from the hype. There was this girl who I was once corresponding with online who I definitely didn't want to meet, because I sensed she was 'fronting'...

Zack: ...or more likely, you were 'fronting' and you didn't want to be found out!

Nat: But back to the real world of flesh and blood, and I guess that Zack is right. If someone believes that only you know certain things and only you behave in a certain way, then if you can show him that you know those things and behave in that way, he'll decide that you are you.

Max: It's a bit risky to rely too heavily on what someone says to decide he is him. For example, look how a con man operates if he wants you to think that he is another person. He first finds out a few significant facts that the person knows, and then he mentions those facts to you in order to convince you that he is that person.

Zack: That's true o. How come he can successfully pass himself off as the person even though he only knows a few facts about the person?

Max: Well, you have to look at how he does it. First of all, the few facts he knows are usually highly significant, and he can combine that knowledge with open-ended questions to get more information from you about the person. Secondly, the facts he has have a short shelf-life, so he's under pressure to make them pay dividends fast. He usually does this by injecting a huge dose of emotion to help him - like greed, when he says you are about to win a million naira - or fear, when he says your father is on his death bed.

Nat: And when emotions enter the picture, they end up scrambling your brain so that you completely forget about asking him lots of questions to determine whether he really is the real deal.

Max: But let's not assume that having someone assume your identity is always a bad thing. Look at students who aren't smart enough to sit an exam - that's why some of them get someone else to pretend to be them to sit it for them instead.

Zack: That may be good for the student - but it's bad for potential employers who will employ this dim student based on the grades that someone else got for him.

Nat: Yep - no matter how you slice it or dice it, there's always the potential for someone to suffer when identities get confused, whether by accident or design. And that's because every time you mistake a person for someone else, you say or do the wrong thing based on your ideas about how that person should or shouldn't behave.

Max: So all this identity palaver is really just to help you decide how you should behave towards someone?

Nat Yeah... pretty much so.

Max: And the decision you take is based on the assumption that a person with a particular identity will always behave in a particular way, so a particular response from you is appropriate for that particular behaviour, right?

Nat: Er, yeah... look, where is this leading up to?

Max: I was just thinking... supposing I vary my behaviour so randomly that nobody can predict how I will behave ten minutes from now? Then instead of having one coherent identity, it will be like I have many short-lived identities following each other in rapid sequence. There would be no point in trying to tag me with an identity, since that identity wouldn't tell me anything about me.

(Smiling) Then I would be free to do whatever I liked... slap a mobile policeman in the face... eat at a fast food restaurant and leave without paying... break noisy wind in a jam-packed danfo... and if anybody challenged me, I could say "That wasn't me. That was my identity of ten minutes ago."

Nat: Well, I can spot at least one flaw in your plan - you might be able to get away with all sorts of things, but conversely only someone of unsound mind will now want to have dealings with you. How would they know which of your many serial identities they would be dealing with?

Zack: And enlarging on the theme of unsound minds, there can only be one way for the public to regard a person who is so suicidally reckless that he slaps a mobile policeman and excuses himself by saying it was one of his multiple identities that was responsible. In fact, for you to have thought of this idea, one of your more insane short-lived identities must be taking over already...

The Empire of Wiu-Wiu

2007-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

(Zack, Nat and Max are sitting at their regular table discussing goodness-knows-what. Just then Nat gestures to Zack to stay still.)

Zack: Wha - what's going on?

(Nat frowns and even more insistently motions to him to keep still, while his eyes are trained on Zack's face. Suddenly, Nat deals Zack a heavy slap. Zack falls out of his chair, exclaiming in anger, shock and hurt.)

Zack (scrambling to his feet): Are you crazy or what? What was that for?

Nat (apologetically): Sorry, Zack - but there was a mosquito feeding on your neck. Unfortunately, you moved at the last moment and I missed. At least I don't think it got the chance to suck any of your blood - are you itching?

Zack (irritably): Did you have to use so much force? Are you sure it was only the mosquito you wanted to kill? Why stop there - why not carry the whole table and use it to break my head?

Max (grinning): What's your problem? Do you expect him to stroke the mosquito and gently beg it to come into the warm embrace of his killer palm?

Zack (jokingly): Take your time o! If you keep on talking like that, I might 'discover' that there are mosquitoes which have settled on your arms, head, neck, legs and body - mosquitoes which need to be killed with - very - heavy - slaps and blows.

Max (in mock surprise): You - you mean would actually do that for me? You would be willing to place your life at risk by undertaking the suicidally dangerous task of slaying the deadly killer mosquito? I'm truly touched. Indeed, I say unto you, greater love hath no man than this, that he be willing to stain his hand with a mixture of mosquito and human blood for his friend.

Nat: I'm a bit surprised that this mosquito didn't announce its arrival in its usual manner before settling on you, Zack. Did you not hear anything?

Zack: No... it may have just been too noisy. But that just shows you how stupid mosquitoes are, anyway. Flying around with that whine before biting is just like a thief sending you an appointment letter before burgling your house.

Max (shrugging): Who knows? Perhaps the whine serves as a decoy. Maybe mosquitoes operate in pairs... one mosquito says "OK, Iiiwuwiwu, I'll distract him by buzzing around his ears, and while he's waving me away from his face, you bite his feet." The mosquito may not be as stupid as we think.

Zack: Come on, Max - don't complicate a simple scenario. There is no point to the whine - the mosquito is simply too stupid to realise that its noise not only reduces its chances of getting a meal, but drives human beings so crazy that they declare all out war and try and stamp it out.

Nat: Really? I thought that the reason that we were trying to exterminate the mosquito was because it spread malaria - at least in this part of the world.

Max: We're trying to exterminate the mosquito? Nobody told me about that. I thought that with all the open gutters and floods around, the state government had launched a special 'Mosquito-Breeding' program. I don't quite know why, though - perhaps the government is tired of begging parents to bring their children for vaccinations and has decided to use the mosquitoes as a means of 'naturally' injecting the vaccines, instead. (Grinning evilly) In fact, that reminds me - Zack, I think your Ministry of Health would be directly responsible for this... would you care to shed some more light on this?

Zack (sighing): Those people in the ministry aren't serious - they're more interested in chopping money from issuing contracts. The sad thing is that if this government were serious, the mosquito would have been eradicated a long time ago! It's a simple enough matter - all the government needs to do is to have a regular programme of spraying stagnant water in public areas with insecticide, and to educate the populace on personal measures they can take to prevent infection and mosquito breeding - like ensuring there's no stagnant water nearby, and using mosquito nets.

Nat: You put it down to government incompetence. I put it down to citizen poverty. You can talk all you want about educating the citizenry, but try telling that to someone who has to choose between eating for the day and buying a mosquito net. Try telling that to someone who has to work so many hours a day that they are too tired to think of clearing their environs when they return in the evening.

Zack: I can't believe that someone would be so short-sighted to put a meal ahead of their health. For heavens sake, a mosquito net is not that expensive! And I don't buy that 'too-tired-to-clear-their-environment' argument either. What are Saturday and Sunday for?

Nat: (patiently): Zack, you're overlooking the fact that the more precarious a person's existence is, the more short-term his vision is. The possibility that a poor person might catch malaria in the future means less to him than the certainty that he is hungry right now - even though the consequences of catching that malaria are more serious. In short, anything that isn't geared towards immediate survival - be it clearing environments or buying mosquito nets - simply does not show up on his radar.

Max: And that's the problem, Zack - your ministry simply does not do a good enough job of terrifying citizens into taking malaria more seriously than getting their daily meal. I mean, I remember when I dropped in to see you at the ministry a few weeks ago, and I saw this poster with the slogan "Please Protect Yourself Against Malaria - Buy A Mosquito Net". Man, that was so dry I could feel my life being sucked out of me. What your ministry should be using are messages like this:

"Malaria will first cause your blood to heat up like fire. Then it will tear your joints apart one by one. You will begin to leak blood from your nose, mouth, eyes and ears. Your skin will burst forth in a thousand sores full of pus. You will convulse like someone who has been given several electric shocks... and finally, you will end up dying in extreme agony in a pool of your waste and vomit.

"And then, having completely destroyed you, malaria will start on your friends... your family... your loved ones... and just because you were too lazy to get a mosquito net."

Nat: Is it ethical to bend the truth like this, even if it is so that people take malaria prevention seriously? Don't you think people might take the ministry to court if they don't come down with these symptoms?

Max: Nonsense. This isn't America where people sue at the drop of a hat. And it's not like the ministry have signed some sort of contract with the populace to ensure that they get experience these symptoms. Heck, the whole point is to discourage them from catching the illness and experiencing the symptoms!

Zack: Max, we're a serious organisation! We can't go round making all sorts of wild and ridiculous claims - if people realise that we're trying to scare them by distorting the truth, then we lose our credibility as an impartial and reliable source of information.

Max (in mock surprise): The Ministry of Health is an impartial and reliable source of information? Obviously nobody has told me about that... I thought it was just a vehicle for the aggrandisement of the minister and the state governor. In fact, I seem to recall you mentioning this yourself in one of your tirades.

Zack (defeated): All right, all right. But if we are to aspire to be credible, we can't do what you're suggesting.

Nat (musing): Of course, it would be much easier to resolve this matter if mosquitoes were an intelligent species.

Max: Are you out of your mind? Look at what happens now when mosquitoes are as dumb as they are - we're still having a hard time exterminating them. Imagine what would happen if they became intelligent - they would be our lords and masters! Instead of the many nations that we have now, we'd have the Empire of Wiu-Wiu, ruled over by His Imperial Majesty Emperor Iiiiuwiiiwiiiuiwuiiiu III!

Nat: Not necessarily. Think about it - the reasons mosquitoes bite us now is because they are too stupid to realise that it ends up annoying us and it brings further destruction upon their heads. Also, their stupidity means that they can't communicate with us, and we can't tell them how annoying their whine is or how deadly their bite is. If they were intelligent, we could communicate with them and come to some sort of arrangement.

Zack: What arrangement? That we offer sacrificial humans who will willingly submit themselves for a round of biting in return for peace and quiet for all mankind?

Max: No - wait, Zack. I think Nat may have a point. If they are intelligent and we have something that they want, then there is the wonderful prospect of trade. An enterprising person can arrange for people to sell human blood to the mosquitoes in return for various services that they can provide.

Zack: What can a mosquito do that we might be interested in?

Max: Think numbers, my friend - numbers! A trillion mosquitoes could form the backbone of a very efficient and secure transportation network. For example, instead of transporting fuel through those pipes that are always being punctured by vandals and thieves, we could arrange to have mosquitoes suck up the fuel and fly it to its destination. Of course, I'm assuming that since the mosquitoes are intelligent, they will have developed a way of lining their stomachs so that the fuel doesn't poison them as well as increasing their carrying capacity.

Nat: More worryingly - how do you propose to get the human blood?

Max: What are you talking about? Don't you see those people who are always hanging around hospitals so that they can sell blood to people who have been involved in accidents? I'm sure there are more people like that who will be happy to trade their blood for money.

Zack (shaking his head): This is a very unsavoury slippery slope. One day, you'll hear of people selling their blood for money... the next day, you'll hear of people who are forced at machete-point to sell their blood for money... and it won't be long before people are killed for their blood to be sold for money.

Max (rolling his eyes): Na wa for paranoia!

Nat: It'll be much safer if we can invent some alternative fluid which we can sell to the mosquitoes instead. After all, mosquitoes can live off plant nectar, so they don't really have to drink our blood.

Max: I protest! As an advocate for mosquito rights, I challenge your attempt to curtail the mosquito's God-given right to feast on whatever meal it likes, especially where nobody is being harmed. How would you feel if the mosquitoes dictated to you what to eat or not?

Zack: You're not fooling anyone here. Advocate for mosquito rights? More like advocate for Max's pocket. And tomorrow you'll start complaining when we accuse you of being prepared to kill your fellow man just to make money.

(Just then Nat gestures for Zack to be still.

Zack cautiously mimes the act of a mosquito flapping its wings, points to himself and raises his eyebrows questioningly.

Nat nods his head and again motions him to be still.

Max gestures to Nat to take it very easy.

Nat lowers his hand slowly... slowly... until he is within striking distance.

Then just as his hand begins to move, he hears a high-pitched whine so loud that even Max can hear it. This makes him swerve and cause his hand to go off target and connect with more force than intended...)

Zack: AAARRGGGHHHH!!!

Max (wryly to himself): The agents from the Empire of Wiu-Wiu strike again...

Jennifer

2007-01-27T07:01:00.000-08:00

(We're in the Junction again, and Zack is talking to Nat who is looking very, very dejected. Just then, Max turns up.)

Max: My brothers in kunu! How are you?

Zack (irritably): I'm fine, but your friend here is... well, I don't know what his problem is anyway.

(Max turns to Nat, and for the first time observes how unhappy he is.)

Max (in a concerned voice): Brother Nathaniel! What is the problem?

(Nat just sighs in response.)

Zack: That's how he has been all evening. He's just been sighing, shaking his head and saying "I don't want to talk about it" in response to everything I've said.

Max: And it doesn't look like you're helping his case. (to Nat) Come on, you can talk to Uncle Max.

(Nat looks at him with a look that says, "You cannot possibly begin to understand my problem" and sighs again.)

Zack (exasperatedly): I've asked him whether any of his relatives or friends have died, whether he's having problems at work, or whether his pastor wants him to take on more responsibilities, but he's just been shaking his head non-stop.

Max: Have you asked him if Starcomms have cut off his home internet connection? Perhaps he's experiencing acute withdrawal symptoms.

Zack (in annoyance): Can you not be serious for one moment in your life?

Max: I am being serious. Our friend here takes his online life very seriously indeed. (Looks at Nat who seems to have ignored his last response) But obviously, that's not the problem, so let me see... (he bows his head deep in thought, then suddenly he jerks it up) Aha! It could only be one thing...

Zack (with dawning realisation): Of course... it has to be...

Max and Zack together: Jennifer!

(Nat sighs again and nods his head, while Zack snorts in contempt.)

Max (resignedly): OK, what is it this time?

Nat: I don't know... I just feel that there is a connection between us, and we should be moving beyond just being friends.

(Zack rolls his eyes and shakes his head as if to say "What a sad, sorry situation this is".)

Max: But we've had this discussion before. You approached her, you told her how you felt about her, she smiled, she said she liked you too but she wanted to "take things slowly and see how they developed". In other words, she likes having you around, but she doesn't like you enough to consider having you as a boyfriend.

Nat: That's a lie. Why hasn't she got a boyfriend, then? At least, you won't deny that she's beautiful and intelligent enough to get any man she wants. I'm sure she's waiting for the relationship to mature... but it's such a long wait.

Max (patiently): Look my friend, I know you don't want to hear the truth, but she's probably very picky and is looking for someone very, very exceptional.

Nat (in a disappointed voice): So... you're saying that I'm not up to her standards?

Max: Come on! The way you say it makes it look like you've been condemned to an eternity of pain and torture. So what if you're not up to her standards? Look at Zack - I don't think he is even on the radar when it comes to her standards, and yet he seems to be very happy with his life.

Zack: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Standard Measurer, but it will also interest you to know that she is not even on the radar when it comes to my very high standards.

Nat (defensively): Why? What's wrong with her?

Zack: She's too caught up in all that 'image' thing. She wants someone who looks this way, dresses that way, has this car... that kind of thing.

Nat: That's a lie. When we talk, she hardly dwells on those kinds of topics. She always talks about deep things, imaginative and interesting ideas, the goals that she has for the future, that kind of stuff. It's very rare to hear her talk about who bought what or who is wearing what.

Max: Eh, now - she might not talk about that kind of stuff with you, but you know how it is - we have different friends for different reasons. So you're her 'Ideas' friend, and she probably has her 'Clothes' friends and her 'Events' friends, and so on and so forth.

But I don't think she's materialistic in the sense that she dwells on material things endlessly to the point where those are the main things in her life. I think she's actually a very smart and classy lady. (Thinking to himself) And if she had never been involved with you, I might have thought of making a move on her myself. (Aloud again) The thing is, wearing good clothes and looking after herself is such a deep part of herself that she doesn't even have to explicitly make a show of doing so... and I suspect that she wouldn't come out openly and say she wants someone who looks like this or dresses like that - but she would feel subconsciously uncomfortable if she was with someone who didn't match her in the dressing department.

Nat (even more disappointed): So what you are saying is that my dress sense is rubbish?

Max: Well, Nat... with your 'koko' trousers that can't quite decide whether they're long shorts or short trousers and your shirts that look like they're two sizes too large, let's just say that your dress sense is... erm... well, it's just you. But it could definitely do with some improvement if you are interested in getting Jennifer to pay more attention to you.

Zack: Rubbish, Max! Why are you encouraging this guy to pour money into a bottomless pit? It's clear that she's just using him - he should cut loose and find someone else who will appreciate him for who he is - someone who he can truly be himself with.

(At this juncture, Max bursts into laughter. He laughs so hard that he falls off his chair and lands heavily on the ground. Even then, he continues to roll on the floor laughing his head off. The other patrons are beginning to congregate to make sure that everything is alright, and Philo is thinking of calling his 'boys' to deal with the source of the disturbance when all of a sudden, Max stops laughing and gets to his feet.)

Max (to the assembled crowd): Move along, now- nothing to see here. Have you never seen someone enjoying a good hearty laugh before?

(As the patrons return to their seats, Zack rounds on Max.)

Zack: What's so funny about saying that he should be himself? Are you saying that Nat should live a fake life in order to attract this girl who isn't even interested in him?

Max: No-o... you're getting me wrong, Zack. Tell me - how did you end up marrying Lizzy?

Zack: It was a straightforward matter. I saw her at a party that a relative was hosting, I liked what I saw so boldly approached her and I told her that I liked her. Then I suggested that we should get together and start going out... and a few months later we were married. Simple.

Max (slightly taken aback): Er... OK, maybe your own case is different. Maybe Lizzy was so impressed by your boldness... or I don't know, maybe she was actually so terrified by it that she had no choice but to agree. I mean, are you sure that you only 'suggested' that you both get together? You didn't 'order'? (Zack glares at him, so he hurriedly carries on.) Anyway, you'll find that when a man meets a woman, certain 'games' are in order.

Nat: Games?

Max: Oh yes. The man has to 'sell' himself to the woman - he has to present a CV that shows him as a caring, sharing, emotionally sensitive yet strong, confident and stable individual. He has to be funny but not unserious, financially comfortable but not money-obsessed, image conscious but not inordinately vain, and of course fantastic in bed.

Zack: I notice that you didn't put any 'but' in that last criterion of yours.

Max (carrying on): But of course, no man born of woman is like that, although some men come quite close, like yours truly for example. (Zack mimes the act of someone's head swelling up.) So what you have to do is to put your best foot forward and present those aspects of your personality that will meet with her favour. You have to polish those aspects that are not quite up to scratch. And you have to put on a new image which will showcase features that she likes that you may not already have.

Zack: In other words, you have to lie.

Max (in a mock hurt tone): Ah-ah, Zack - I said it's only for the duration of the introductory period. Once she's become comfortable with you, you can drop the image.

Zack: You think that a relationship founded on lies can endure? (To Nat) Listen - just be yourself. Let's say you follow Max's advice and become Mr. Fashion just so that you can get Jennifer, and it works. Then you want to drop back to your own style, and she now starts dropping hints that she doesn't like to see you like that. Will you be able to deal with her continuous complaints?

Max: Rubbish! By that time, she will have fallen in love with you - so it doesn't matter whether you dress like Charlie with his prophet's robes.

Nat: There is a problem with your suggestion, Max...

Max: What?

Nat: It wouldn't work with me. I'm not very good at lying - you know that I'm a very open, honest and transparent person. So it would be very obvious that I was trying to be someone I wasn't, and that would be a huge turn off to Jennifer. Besides, she already knows how I dress - so if she saw me being fashionable all of a sudden, she would suspect that something was up.

Zack: Exactly, Nat. Just forget about her altogether. I'm sure that if you look around, you will find that there are many young women who are dying to get to know you if you would allow them space in your head...

Nat (miserably): It's not as easy as that - even if I want to get Jennifer out of my head, I can't...

Zack (exasperatedly): OK, you know what? Let's do it my way. What you're going to do is to go up to her and demand an ultimatum. Let her know in no uncertain terms that either she agrees to be your girlfriend, or you walk. If she says no, you cut her out of your life completely. End of story.

(For the second time that evening, Max bursts into laughter and falls off his chair as a result, although the patrons don't congregate round this time - some can be heard to murmur "only God knows what is in that kunu he is drinking".)

Max (after he has picked himself up from the floor): Can you imagine that Nat will have the courage to approach darling Jennifer - the Apple of his Eye, the Soloist of his Choir and the Goat-Head of his Peppersoup with such a decisive ultimatum that could banish her from his sight for ever? No way!

(Just then, Nat's GSM phone goes off. Nat picks the phone up, and his countenance changes completely from despair to radiant happiness. After a few minutes of murmuring words into the phone, he ends the call and rises to his feet.)

Max: Jennifer, right?

Zack: She wants you to meet her somewhere, right?

Nat (beaming): Yes - there's this event that she just heard was happening somewhere, and she has a free ticket, so I'm out of here to join her. Thanks for your advice guys - I'll see you around some other time!

(As Nat leaves the Junction, Max and Zack shake their heads.)

Zack: I think the words I am looking for here are 'dog', 'return' and 'vomit'.

Max (sighing): I know what you mean. But the truth is that we can advise our friends on what we think they should do, but we can't compel them to do what we want. Otherwise, we stop becoming their friends and we become some authority figure, and in so doing we lose the closeness that makes them want to confide in us in the first place.

Zack (sighing too): I guess you're right. But it's very hard to stand by and watch a friend wasting away his life.

Max: He'll learn eventually - I'm sure that she'll find someone soon enough to replace him. It'll be tough - but he'll get over it. Anyway, tell me more about this meeting between yourself and Lizzy - are you serious that she just agreed like that?

Zack (smugly): Well, I sometimes wonder about it myself... I wonder whether it was my manly muscular build, or whether it was my rugged handsome looks, or my confident poise or... (Zack carries on in this vein, as Max mimes the act of someone's head swelling up.)

Moaning Mister Moses

2007-01-19T16:28:00.000-08:00

(Max and Zack are chatting in the Junction, while Nat has momentarily detached himself to engage in a spot of people watching. Then Max notices a thin sour-faced man shambling into the bar, and he breaks off what he is saying to Zack.)

Max (whispering sharply): Guys - look out o! Moses has entered the building.

Zack: You mean Moaning Moses?

Max: Yeah, that's right - Miserable Moaning Mister Moses - no, don't turn around - just look to your seven o'clock out of the corner of your eye. All he does is moan, moan, moan, moan and moan! I don't want him coming over here and drowning us in his tales of misery.

Nat (turning round): Sorry, Max - what was that you were saying?

(Unfortunately for Max, Moses notices the sudden movement, changes course and starts shuffling towards the three of them.)

Max (whispering angrily): Thanks a lot, Nat!

Nat (in dismay): Oh no - it's Moses. (exclaiming with false cheerfulness as Moses reaches their table and slowly settles into a chair) Moses, good evening o! How is life?

(Moses stares irritably at him for a few seconds.)

Moses: What kind of foolish question is that?

Nat (taken aback) Ah-ah, what now? I'm only greeting you.

Moses: Did I ask for your greeting? What good is your greeting going to do for me?

Nat (lifting his hands as if in surrender): Ah. OK o. I'm sorry o. It seems as if something has seriously annoyed you this evening.

Moses (in a low voice): Do you want to know what has annoyed me this evening?

(Zack and Max are frantically and surreptitiously gesturing to Nat to say "no", but unfortunately he doesn't notice.)

Nat: Yes... why not?

(Max slaps his forehead and rolls his eyes in despair while Zack grinds his teeth in fury - but Moses doesn't seem to notice, as he is readying himself to deliver his tale of woe.)

Moses (raising his voice): Then I'll tell you what has annoyed me this evening! In fact, I'll start by telling you what has annoyed me all day! First of all, when I woke up, I found this big fat mosquito feasting on my arm. I killed the evil thing, but I ended up staining my shirt with its blood.

Max (in an aside to Zack): Technically speaking, it was probably his own blood...

Zack (back to Max): I don't agree... the act of sucking the blood means that the mosquito is now the de-facto owner of the blood...

Moses (carrying on as though Max and Zack don't exist): Then when I got out of bed, I found that my wife had thrown away my chewing stick. Imagine! The stupid woman thought that I had finished with the thing, when there was still at least a good inch of chewing left. I think that that woman was put on earth to frustrate me and prevent me from achieving my potential.

Nat: That's a harsh thing to say about your wife, surely...

Moses: Nonsense! What other conclusion can you come to about a woman who cannot manage a household of five people on five thousand naira a month because she's probably spending it on frivolities? Imagine!

Max (in astonishment to Zack): Holy Kokorioko! I spend more than that a day on recharge cards when I'm chasing a woman.

Moses: Then I got out of bed and I realised that I had to take my bath with a bucket of water in the common bathroom.

Nat: But - you always take your bath with a bucket of water in the common bathroom.

Moses: And should I be doing that? Why should I, a fully responsible adult, have to take my bath with buckets of water when we have a government that should be laying pipes to provide us with water in the privacy of our bathrooms? Imagine! Am I a lesser human than the people abroad who enjoy such comforts?

Anyway, after having my bath with the pitiful amount of water I was able to collect from the leaking tank, I dressed to get ready for another eight hours of under-appreciation and drudgery at work. Then I picked at the badly prepared meal thrown together by my wife which she alleges was made from real food, and I picked up my briefcase and prepared to do battle with the world...

(Moses continues in this vein for another ten minutes, complaining about how hellish his day has been, while managing to heap the blame on President Obasanjo, the Federal Government, the PDP, the proprietors of his children's school, the Nigerian Police, PHCN, God, the IMF, women in general, the State Government, the military, Charles Taylor, area boys, NNPC, amala and ewedu, lizards, advance fee fraudsters, religious extremists, religious moderates, the Nigerian Stock Exchange, President Obasanjo again, the African Union, the West, Dora Akunyili, President Obasanjo yet again, Bill Clinton, his boss at work, street hawkers, Saddam Hussein, the rainy season, INEC, the Internet, West African dwarf goats and finally President Obasanjo for making his day a study in suffering.

While he is doing this, Nat sits listening while doing his best to conceal his utter boredom and stifle his yawns. Zack and Max attempt to be polite at first, but as Moses drones on, they throw all decorum to the wind and make increasingly derisory comments which Moses either ignores or pretends not to hear.)

Moses: ...and on my way here, I boarded a bus in which all the seats were as hard as stone. As if that was not bad enough, the bus was bouncing up and down along the bad roads in this area, so by the time I got off, I was in agony! Imagine! Of course, I blame the greedy conductor and driver who wanted to make money without caring about my comfort. I also blame the greedy owner of the bus who put pressure on the driver to make as much money as inhumanly possible. Then I blame the grasping relatives of the owner of the bus who were probably disturbing him to give them money - most likely for a frivolous party. I blame the musicians who frequent these parties and encourage them to continue, I blame the businessmen who sell these musicians the instruments they practice on, I blame the banks that help these traders finance the import of these instruments, I blame the staff in these banks whose work keeps the bank afloat, and finally, I blame the bus drivers who ferry these staffers to work!

Zack (throwing his hands up theatrically): Won-der-ful! Behold - a Virtuous Circle of Blame. Moses, you have shown that when it comes to spreading fault around, you are truly an impartial distributor.

Max (shaking his head): I've seen some dubiously tenuous chains of deduction in my time - I've even spun a few myself - but that has got to be the most fantastically contrived and logically unstable string of statements I've heard in a long time!

Moses (turning to Max and Zack with contempt): Well you can babble on as much as you like - but I am the kind of person that tells the truth as I see it. It's obvious that even though this country is finished, I'm the only one who seems able to see it. Everyone else is just deceiving themselves thinking that things are all right, or that things will get better. Well, keep on deceiving yourselves! Don't let me stop you from living in your fool's paradise!

Zack (patiently): Look Moses, everyone here knows that things are not as they should be in Nigeria. In fact, we spend most evenings here discussing what is wrong. I even spend more time than these two criticising the government. But we don't dwell on the negative endlessly - we try to come up with answers sometimes, and most importantly we admit the possibility of improvement. After all, if you don't believe that things can improve, why stick around?

Moses: Have you not heard what I've been saying all evening? There is no hope of improvement - so I don't waste my time coming up with solutions that I know won't work.

Nat: So why do you stick around? If things are so bad, why don't you go somewhere else?

Max (to Nat): It's obvious - he wants to grind everyone else down to his level of negativity so that he can derive some kind of perverse happiness. Besides, where could he go? However paradisiac the place was, he'd end up stinking the whole place out with his relentless pessimism.

Moses: You call it pessimism - I call it realism.

Max: OK, Mr. Realist, you say that there's no hope for Nigeria so there's no point in coming up with a solution, right?

Moses: No - there's - no - hope - for Nigeria. (Shakes his head vehemently.) No hope.

Max (smiling): But of course, that's because Nigeria is led by idiots and buffoons, right?

Moses: Idiots, buffoons, ignoramuses and nincompoops!

Max: Yeah, that's right - not people like you.

(Moses gapes for a while. Then he slowly responds.)

Moses: I don't know what you mean.

Nat: I think that what Max is driving at here is that you probably would do a better job if you were president.

Moses (shaking his head): Well, I'm not president, and I'm not likely to be president, so let's not bother about it.

Max: Oh, come on! You're honestly telling me that if you had the power of the President of Nigeria, you couldn't do a thing to correct even one of the problems you've been wailing about all evening?

Zack: Think about it - a whole President of Nigeria!

Moses: I told you already, I don't waste my time...

Max: OK, OK, I can see that you are a man with your eye not just on power. Let's say that you're not just President - but you're President, and the price of oil has shot up to five hundred dollars a barrel!

Nat: Yes, and let's say that oil has been found in abundant quantities in twenty-eight of the thirty six states of the nation. Think of it - money and power!

Moses (less confidently): Look, I don't know...

Max: Man, you drive a hard bargain! OK, forget about President of Nigeria - that's obviously not enough. You're now Supreme Life Dictator and the Holder of the Keys of Life and Death of Nigeria. You have absolute, total and complete power resting within the palm of your hand. Now tell us how you would go about fixing Nigeria's problems.

Moses (hesitantly): Well... er... I would... erm... I would put measures in place to ensure that things were all right...

(Max looks at Zack and Nat in disbelief. Then he turns back to Moses.)

Max: My friend - you are the virtual god of Nigeria - and all you can do is to "put measures in place?" Are you that completely bereft of any idea of how to solve Nigeria's problems? Is it really just "complain, complain, and complain?"

Moses (protesting): Look Max, honestly I don't think very much about these kinds of things...

Max: ...and it shows! So if you ever accidentally become president - and accidents do happen - may God have mercy on all our souls! Then we really would be finished!

Nat: You know, Moses, as Zack said earlier, we guys sit here and chew out pretty much the same kinds of people that you complain about as well. But you know what your problem is? Whereas we don't take ourselves too seriously and we have fun while doing it, you treat it like some sort of death march mission. Listening to Zack criticise the government is like eating bitter leaf soup. Listening to you criticise is like chewing Nivaquine pills.

Zack: And not just any Nivaquine pills - we're talking about the kind that make you itch all over!

Max: So lighten up! Even if Nigeria is doomed, surely it's better to spend your last moment with a smile on your face rather than a bitter frown.

Moses (obviously uncomfortable): I have heard what you've said. Look, I have to go now - I just stopped off to have a drink. (He gets up and shuffles out.)

Zack (watching him leave): What do you think? You think he will go forth and spread glad tidings of joy amongst all men from now on?

Nat: I doubt it. Such habits aren't unlearned in a day. In fact, I feel sorry for him, because I'm sure he wasn't always this way - he may have developed this attitude as a coping mechanism.

Zack: Well, I wish he would learn to 'cope' in his wardrobe or his toilet or somewhere else where nobody can hear him. Thank God he's gone.

Max: Come on, you don't fool me! The real reason you're glad that he's gone is that while he was here, you actually had to put your moaning on hold. Imagine! Anyway, now that he's gone, you can resume where you left off on your diatribe on that Senator...