ExDittohead.com

Rush Flip-Flops - The Return of The Waterboy

2007-03-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

Remember right after the November elections when Rush greeted the Democrats as liberators? And he said he felt liberated because he didn't have to carry water anymore for people who didn't deserve it? Well…apparently Rush doesn't remember that. And thus the modern conservative movement suffers its latest death spasm at the hands of its once mighty patriarch.

You'd think he would've learned something when he watched the Democrats go through the same thing back in '94. As my political tour guide at the time, Rush pointed out with glee how corruption and incompetence had cost Democrats their majority. How you have to be guided by principles, and you can't just wet your finger, stick it in the air, and do whatever the polls tell you. He was, in short, a purity troll.

Now, said troll has found another bridge, because have you ever heard a purity troll say this…

"You can sit there in your lofty perch and talk about, "We want competence and we want this, this will stand us in good stead in the future, we're fair," so many people don't understand, or just want to ignore the impact of the fight that this is about."

Indeed. Competence is overrated. What's this fight really about, Rush?

"See, there is no crime here. It is what we have been telling you after all of this started. There is no crime, and there is no scandal within the context of getting rid of these eight US attorneys. So the Democrats are trying to create a scandal by saying Gonzales came up to them and lied…"

Those damned Democrats, with their loud rock & roll music! They just don't get it! So Gonzales testified under oath that he didn't have anything to do with the firings, and in reality he had at least 5 meetings with Sampson. Don't they know that perjury doesn't matter anymore now that a Republican is President? It's so unfair! They already have a home court advantage in the courtroom!

"They stack the judiciary with partisan operatives, not judges. They go out and find legal people that are partisan operatives, they make 'em judges, district court judges, appellate judges, even Supreme Court nominees, if they can get there. They sit here and talk about this as though they are clean and pure as the wind-driven snow, never, ever governed by politics. It's just more of an attempt to literally criminalize conservatism, is what's happening."

Get ready to hear that last sentence over and over again. Every upcoming investigation is going to be about "criminalizing conservatism." Honestly, if conservatism is embodied by the actions of this particular President, it probably should be criminal. So, Rush, how have the Republicans responded so far?

"When I see the Republicans are worried, "We gotta get this off the table because it's taking us off message," if I hear this one more time, I'm going to blow a gasket. "We can't get our message out. The press won't cover us." I guarantee you, all it takes is one Republican to stand up there and call the Democrats on what they're doing and say what it is, and bammo, you're going to have coverage. They don't do it. Don't ask me why. You've been asking me why for 18 years and I don't have an answer. I don't have an answer other than the ones I've given you."

And what is that message?

"You see where this is headed. Of course there's a story somewhere in the stack, the Republicans in the Senate and the House are all upset about this because it's taking away their message. What message? May I ask the Republicans, what message? What is it about you that compels you to sit there on your hands while this is going on? You know full well what this is. This is an effort to get Gonzales, and then after Gonzales it is an effort to get Rove. It is an effort to keep on moving up the administration hierarchy as high as they can go on this, and they're not going to stop with this."

Rush set this angle up nicely when Bush finally fired Donald Rumsfeld. The day of the firing Rush said (paraphrasing), "this one scalp isn't going to be enough to satisfy the Democrats. There's blood in the water now, and you watch! The Dems are going to move up the food chain until they get to the President."

Of course, what's really happening is Bush is finally having his much talked about "accountability moment." It's like Bush borrowed dad's car, got drunk, wrecked it, killed some folks, and wants to blow the whole thing off saying "hey, look, mistakes were made! Why are you being such a dick about this?"

Intellectually honest conservatives are finally starting to see this. They are the ones saying "yeah…Alberto should probably go." They're the ones saying "yeah…we kind of blew it in Iraq." They're the ones saying "I'm not going to stand by the President anymore." Cynically, of course, you can say they're only turning this corner because Bush cost them their majorities. And you'd be right. But at least the corner has been turned.

Now Rush is left standing by the President saying "hey, let's stand by this guy because otherwise we're letting Democrats criminalize conservatism." So come down from your high "competence" tower and stand by your President, Republicans! The 72% of the American people who think this justice department thing is a big deal? They're "…a bunch of blithering idiots who have no idea what they're talking about." Forget them! Forget the voters! Forget the fraud! Forget the incompetence! Now is the time for all good conservatives to stand by their President! Not because he's good, competent, honest, or worthy of support, but because he's a Republican.

So to Arlen, John, Joe, Tucker, The National Review, and all the rest of you Republicans who are willing to throw Gonzales under the bus, Rush has 7 words for you – Shut Up and Pick Up That Bucket!

That water ain't gonna carry itself.

Rush’s Entertaining Apoplexy Over Libby Verdict

2007-03-06T13:10:00.000-08:00

Rush was full of hope this morning. He'd read AP reports that jurors on the 10^th day were asking questions like "What is this guy accused of again?," and he had to be thinking Libby was going to walk. Suddenly, tragedy (or for the rest of us "justice") struck just as the first chords of Chrissie Hynde's "My City Was Gone" announced the start to another 3 hours of "broadcast excellence." You've got to hand it to Rush. The Libby verdict was barely 60 seconds old before Rush was out there saying the jurors were D.C. residents with an axe to grind, that they were hopelessly confused as to the charges, and last but not least, Clinton did it. Ah, sweet, sweet Clinton did it. The rich glass of Balvine at the conservative feast of disinformation.

As a public service, I offer Rush's insightful analysis of the Libby verdict. These are the questions you'll have to be prepared to answer after lunch today, at work tomorrow, or with your family this weekend if you, like me, have dittoheads in your lives.

Rush Defense #1: Blame the liberal bias of the judiciary.

This fits pretty nicely with Rush's judicial worldview. The focus of most of the last 20-odd years of the conservative movement has been the "unchecked power of the 'selected not elected' runaway liberal federal judiciary." It creates in Rush's audience the idea that there's something out there beyond your control that could destroy your life forever! That's a powerful trump card in the face of the conservative notion that 'personal responsibility' can overcome any obstacle in one's path. Since the judicial branch is already held in the lowest esteem in the eyes of conservatives, it's not hard to blame the judge for the verdict. Specifically Rush charges that the judge wouldn't allow defense attorneys tell jurors that Plame was outed by Armitage, not Libby. Rush actually goes a step further and attributes motive to Armitage, saying that he was acting as a surrogate for Colin Powell. In Rush's narrative Powell was pissed at Bush for wanting to go to war in the first place, and that the outing of Plame was done to make Bush look bad. It was, to borrow a phrase from South Park's Eric Cartman, a "Serbian double-Jew Bluff." This was interesting to hear. I don't listen to Rush as regularly as I used to, and it marked the first time I've heard Rush throw Powell under the bus. He always used to speak so highly of Powell. Strange days.

Anyway, Rush is really just trying to change the subject. His point is to make his audience think that the case is a political witch hunt. That it's a bunch of Bush-hating libs led by Patrick Fitzgerald (who Rush calls "Fitz-fong" for some reason…I missed the set-up for that particular joke) who are just out to get the President. But you KNOW that if the tables were turned, and if Clinton were accused to exposing a CIA agent for political purposes he'd probably feel different.

The judicial bias doesn't stop with the judge. It extends to the jury as well. This is, after all, a trial being held in the liberal Mecca of Washington D.C. It would be impossible to find 12 people in D.C. who didn't have an axe to grind with this administration. It didn't help that the first juror to be interviewed happened to be an author who wrote a book about spying. "How did the Defense let this guy stay?" Rush asked, and I'm inclined to agree. I mean, if I were Libby the last thing I'd want is a guy who knows all about the damage done by leaking an operative's name. That's like letting a bookie sit on the jury of an athlete who's accused of points shaving. Rush also seems to think that the jury was so confused by the charges that they just decided "to Hell with it, we'll never figure this out so let's just convict him and go home."

Rush might have had a point if the jury had found Libby guilt of all 5 charges in, like 5 minutes. But they spent 10 days considering the evidence, and only convicted him on 4 out of 5 charges. It sounds to me like the jury did a very careful and thorough job. When they were unsure they asked for guidance, and I think they knew full well what the case was about.

But you probably won't find too many dittoheads who are going to buy that, so try this instead. Let's pretend for a moment that there literally isn't a single conservative in D.C. If that's the case, then you can move to have the trial held someplace else! If you don't like one of the jurors, you can kick them off (up to a certain number). From that perspective it seems like Libby just had rotten lawyers, not an insurmountable liberal judiciary.

Rush Defense #2: No crime was committed because Valerie Plame wasn't a covert operative

This is a semantic argument, and it's one of Rush's favorites. Because Valerie Plame wasn't wearing a trench coat hanging out in a dimly lit parking garage with a cigarette in one hand and a plain, manila envelope stamped "secret" in the other, then how can she be harmed by being 'outed?' "She was a desk jockey! She wasn't in any danger!" Rush likes to point out that Plame had "Non-Official Cover" status, so how can you get in trouble for outing someone who wasn't undercover in the first place?

Don't get sucked into an argument about the status of her cover. Whether or not Plame was buying a suitcase nuke from A.Q. Kahn at the time of the outing is irrelevant. The point isn't the harm done to Valerie personally, but what damage was done to the operatives of the company that she worked for – Brewster Jennings & Assoicates. I've never heard Rush mention Brewster Jennings before. Maybe he's addressed it, maybe he hasn't. But I've yet to find a dittohead who's heard of it, so I think they'll be surprised to learn that Plame didn't work alone in her basement. She worked for front company with the CIA looking into the proliferation of 'non-conventional' weapons. Raw Story stated in February of last year that at the time of her outing that Plame was working on WMDs in Iran. That in and of itself should be bad enough. Who's going to return Valerie's phone calls now? But beyond that, everyone who ever worked for Brewster Jennings has been compromised by the leak. And the truth is, we will probably never the full extent of the damage done (in intelligence or in lives).

Rush Defense #3: Since when is it a crime to defend yourself from people who are lying through their teeth?

This is the logical diving board Rush jumped off of during the show today. It sort of sounded like a last cry of the truly desperate. Point 1 – This was a witch hunt. Point 2 – It wasn't even a crime. Point 3 – And even if he did it, so what? Rush's final point was to say that, even if Libby was guilty (and it seems that the last remaining shadow of doubt was removed at around 12:03 p.m. EST) what's wrong with defending the administration from a bunch of liars. He then launches into a discussion of who told Wilson to do what, and what his motives were.

Look, it is technically true that Cheney never said "Joe Wilson, you go to Niger and report on what you found." It's also technically true that Wilson never made that claim.

This goes back to the same semantic argument you've probably had a thousand times with that "Olympic-ly" special dittohead in your life. "Joe Wilson lied about the Vice President sending him to Niger, and Libby was just defending the administration." I swear to God, you will hear this about a zillion times over the next 24 hours on right-wing radio. It doesn't matter how many times you say "Joe never said that the V.P. asked him to go!," that talking point has sailed. Instead, try walking them through the chain. It's not very complicated. Cheney asked the CIA to verify the Niger claim. The CIA went to someone with a background in WMDs and overseas experience (i.e. Plame) to verify the claim. Plame says "hey, my husband used to be the General Services Officer in Niger. He's still got some contacts over there. He could go and ask some questions." He goes, finds nothing, comes home, tells his story. It works its way up the chain of command where the guys at the top ignore him. He gets pissed and tells everybody.

You can say that the "telling everybody" part was a dick move. I won't argue. Personally I think it was a brave and conscientious decision made for the right reasons, but a hero to one can be an asshole to another (case in point – Rush Limbaugh!). The question I have to ask is "how is the guy who said there weren't any WMDs in Iraq the liar?" If the only thing you've got is this B.S. argument about the Vice President, then you really don't have much of an argument.

So, there you go, guys. My 2 cents on "How to Talk to a Dittohead about the Libby Verdict." I hope this helps!

One Former Dittohead’s Thoughts On the Rush Story

2006-06-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Did something happen with Rush Limbaugh in the news recently? Hmm…I must’ve missed it. Oh wait…there it is. Wow! That can’t be good. That brings up a whole host of questions, none of which the mainstream media are going to ask. The one question they will ask is “what affect will this have on Rush’s listeners,” and the answer is “none at all.” I was a big fan during the first ‘Rush in Rehab’ incident, and it didn’t affect me in the least. Frankly, I was more disappointed in his allegations of a ‘liberal sports media’ propping up an ‘overrated Donovan McNabb’ than I was about the drug thing. Now THAT was just stupid.

But Rush’s handling of is initial drug problems was brilliant. Step 1—Find a Scapegoat. From the word ‘go’ Rush would blame a partisan D.A. with a personal axe to grind as being behind the doctor shopping charge. Step 2—Admit No Guilt. Rush would assure the audience that he had done nothing illegal. That he had an addiction to prescriptions that he had acquired through proper channels. Step 3—Own the Problem. Rush did his last show before going off the air for a month to explain that he had a problem. It wasn’t a ‘disease’ or a ‘weakness,’ it was a failure. As such, he was going to overcome it.

Rush’s stroke of genius came at the end. Most folks who go into rehab do so from a position of weakness. They say things like “I apologize to my friends and family…I’m sorry I let everyone down…I need help.” Rush goes into rehab from a position of strength by saying “I don’t want you folks to think I’m a hero.” Initially there was no danger of the dittohead nation considering Rush as a hero. But after he said it, that’s exactly what I thought. “Rush is so selfless. He’s really walking the walk here. He’s taking personal responsibility for his actions. He really IS a hero.”

I’m not exactly sure how he’ll do it, but this time won’t be any different. If I had to guess I’d say the dittohead nations’ reaction would be, “He had someone else’s name on his Viagra prescription. Big deal. I’m sure all celebrities use pseudonyms for their prescriptions to protect their medical privacy.” It seems that medical records are the only records Rush considers sacrosanct when it comes to privacy rights. No matter how he spins it, though, Rush will come out of this looking like a hero to his audience. That’s what the mainstream media will cover, and they won’t ask any of the following questions:

Maybe the rules for ‘probation’ are different, but I thought you could only leave the state for business purposes and only then with permission. How did Rush get permission to take a vacation out of the country?

As vacations go, this one was pretty short. On Friday night Rush was in Washington D.C. hosting a big, masturbatory “We Must Torture Or We Will Die” panel featuring the writers from the TV series ’24.’ Then on Monday he’s detained at the airport after returning from has vacation in the Dominican Republic. Maybe it’s different when you have a private plane (Rush tools around in a Gulf Stream IV called ‘E.I.B. 1’), but I don’t normally take weekend vacations out of the country. Doesn’t two days seem a little short?

Kind of in line with the above question, the Dominican Republic is kind of known as a ‘Sex Tourism’ destination. Doesn’t it at least LOOK bad that Rush got busted with someone else’s Viagra coming back from a short trip to a country where the ‘service sector’ has overtaken all others as the largest employer?

Ah, but I’m sure it’s all harmless. He was probably just scouting out a tobacco field for a line of ‘El Rushbo’ cigars. And the Viagra? That’s probably just left over from the ’24’ panel.

Know what I mean? Eh? Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. That lade in the photo…does she ‘go’? Eh? Know what I mean? Oh, she’s a writer for ’24?’ Say no more!

Like I said, I’m sure it’s all harmless. But whatever the outcome remember this. Don’t think of Rush as a hero. He wouldn’t want it that way, and neither would I.

YearlyKos Day 3—The Circle Is Now Complete

2006-06-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the big day for me at the convention—Jeffrey Feldman’s panel on Communicating the Progressive Vision. Essentially a panel on framing, it featured John Javna (author of 50 Simple Things You Can Do To Fight The Right), Justin Krebs (founder of Drinking Liberally, Laughing Liberally, Cosmopolity, and no doubt countless other valuable organizations), Jeffrey Feldman (founder of Frameshop), George Lakoff (some asshole. I don’t even know how he got on the panel. !;) ), and me. I hardly got any sleep for a second straight night. My best guess is I was working on 9 hours of sleep out of the last 72. That’s okay. I’ll sleep when I’m dead…which could have been at any point on Saturday.
Before the panel we had the big keynote address from Howard Dean. If there’s some reason why I shouldn’t like Dean, I haven’t found it yet. The right loves to portray him as a fringe liberal (imagine that), but there’s nothing fringe about what he’s doing. Basically the Republicans have had a 15 year head start. Prior to Dean’s arrival the DLC strategy seemed to be sort of a rope-a-dope without the rope. Like maybe the Republicans would beat us up so much that they’d punch themselves out, but unfortunately Dems never got very good at the fighting back part. Instead they decided to focus on getting beaten up really well. No one takes a beating like the DLC.

I’ve been to three of Dean’s speeches this year, and here’s what I’ve noticed. Dean does not have a stump speech. Every time he speaks it sounds extemporaneous, which means he either writes his own material or Dean is our nations greatest living actor. As always Dean’s speech was poignant, inspirational, and funny. Mainly he was addressing the 50-State Strategy haters. It just amazes me that there are Democrats in leadership positions who want to write off huge sections of the country. Great strategy. Like Bush spending 5 hours in Iraq. “I just wanted to let you know, we’re here to support you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting the fuck out of here!” You can not retreat your way to victory, and kudos to Dean for recognizing that!

After the morning keynote, Jeffrey’s panel started (you can read a transcript here). I had heard that the panel was going to be broadcast on C-SPAN 2, and for some reason that made me extremely nervous. I don’t know why. The number of people in the room probably outnumbered the people watching at home, but I was freaked out anyway. The discussion itself went great! Jeffrey’s got the link up to the video over on Frameshop. Check it out if you missed it. I kinda flubbed my opening remarks (I had planned on saying something else entirely, but I got lost and went with what is basically my ‘stump speech’), but I think I made up for it with the Q & A. I had kind of a ‘fanboy’ moment when George Lakoff said he wanted to build on a point that I had made. I turned to John and said “well, that was awesome!”

After my panel was through I went back up to my room for a quick ‘power nap.’ Bush likes to take those, and he’s so good and what he does that I just want to follow his example. The nap lasted about 30 minutes, and though that may seem short, it’s still 30 minutes more than the administration spent planning for the repercussions of a quick overthrow of Saddam.

I kept the nap short because I wanted to be downstairs in time for the “War, Foreign Policy, and Activism” panel with Arianna Huffington. Since I blog over at the Huffington Post from time to time, I figured I should put in a little face time. Unfortunately I brought my laptop down with me, and I would up being totally consumed by work-related emails and correspondence. The panel began and ended, and I think I actually heard maybe two or three minutes of the discussion. So much for activism.

By 12:00 noon it was time for my ‘book signing.’ When I got there I found two signing kiosks. One was large and spacious with room for two authors and a banner. The other was like Milton’s cubicle in the movie Office Space—short, cramped, and full of boxes both full and empty. David Sirota was already seated in one kiosk. Guess which one I sat at. Actually, it didn’t bother me in the least. Maybe someday I’ll get to the “What!? That rabbit’s name over mine! This is an outrage!” level of ‘Celebrity Author’-dom, but for now I’m still too grateful for anyone wanting my book in the first place to begrudge my surroundings. Still, I kept waiting for Gary Cole to show up to say “Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you to go ahead and…just move your table as far into the corner as you can so we can get some more books in here…m’kay? Great.” That never happened, but I did get buzzed by Mission Accomplished Man who turned in my direction and shouted ‘Vote for Fear!’ before disappearing into the hallway.

I met a ton of great folks while doing my signing. The two ladies from Las Vegas, both of whom I hope to see again in San Diego for DemocracyFest in July. Joylette and Mozh (who you should NEVER bluff) hung out with me for a while. I got to meet Ilona, who affectionately referred to me as her “Ig brother.” That’s not a typo. Ig is the name of my publisher, and now it’s the name of Ilona’s publisher as well (Way to go! You guys plan on staying with me and my wife when you’re in Memphis!). I also got to hang out with the real celebrity authors who were doing signings next to me. I got to chat with David Sirota, whose giant belt buckle I can only assume comes standard issue when you move to Montana. Then after he left I got to meet up with Sam Seder again while he was signing copies of F.U.B.A.R. Three hours later it was time to move on and regroup with the ‘crew.’

I ran into Joylette and Mozh in the hall, and we rallied with Jeffrey Feldman and John Javna and collectively we merged with another group of bloggers with whom we had not hung out previously. We went to that restaurant at the Riviera that overlooks the pool and hung out for a while. Our plan was to go out for dinner after Harry Reid’s evening keynote, but some folks wanted to nosh, and I wanted a beer to celebrate the official end of ‘major combat operations’ during my time at YearlyKos. My responsibilities were at an end, and from here all I had to do was enjoy myself.

And enjoy myself I did! Our group was spread out over two tables, divided rather unfortunately into the two groups that already knew one another. Probably would have been helpful to mix it up a bit. Anyway, I started doing my estate tax stump speech wherein I mention that I’m a Certified Financial Planner ™ by trade and my job was to help people get around having to pay the estate tax. The old tax was avoidable, but the new Republican death tax will affect a lot of folks and there’s no way around it. Someone at the next table (who I hadn’t had a chance to talk with) says, “Sorry to interrupt, but did you say you’re a financial planner?” That’s right, I reply. He asks where I work, and I tell him about how I used to work with American Express Financial Advisors. Turns out he works for AEFA in their technology department. We swap war stories, and he asks where I work now. I tell him, and he says “Wow! You know who you should meet? That ‘former dittohead’ guy! You guys both used to work at Amex, and now you both work for the same company!” Our table erupts in laughter. The folks at the other table look at each other and go ‘what?’ Ah, the sweet anonymity of the blogosphere.

We wrap up at the restaurant and head off to Harry’s keynote. The doors weren’t open yet, so we all sort of smash together like cattle waiting to be loaded in the hallway outside. I see Maryscott O’conner and this guy who (I thought) really wanted to meet Maryscott within spitting distance of each other. So I elbow my way across the room to finally introduce the two. Turns out the guy really wanted to meet Gina, not Maryscott. He had, in fact, already met both. Oh…well, that shows what 9 hours of sleep gets ya.

We all file in for Harry’s closing keynote. Harry was entertaining, charming, and sincere (if a bit quiet and reserved). His speech wasn’t one of those moments where you’re ready to go screaming through a brick wall. It was more along the lines of making me feel like I’d made the right choice about which side I was on. Here’s this well-spoken guy talking common sense at what the media considered a partisan political event (where you expect to see politicos figuratively bite the heads off of ‘issue’ bats). It was a “proud to be a Democrat” moment. We need more of these.

After the ‘closing ceremonies’ were through, I bid farewell to Jeffrey, John, Joylette, Mozh, and company. My flight was leaving at 6:00 a.m., and that meant I had to get up at around 4:00 a.m. to get to the airport on time. It was too much to ask. I had to get some sleep.

After bidding my fond farewells, I decided to stop by Justin Krebs’ wrap up party. I intended to stay for about 5 minutes, thank Justin for all the help I’ve gotten from Drinking Liberally, and to get in a final (precious few) minutes of partying.

I should have gone out with Jeffrey & Co. I might have gotten to bed sooner.

What a riot this party turned out to be! Three rooms stuffed to the gills with folks. I wish I could tell you (or at the very lest remember) all the great conversations I had with folks from Andrea to Baratunda. In my exhaustion I only really remember talking with one person—Elana Levin from the Drum Major Institute. I generally like to keep my ‘wonktitude’ dialed one notch below the “Reading Papers from Public Policy Institute” stage, but after talking with Elana I had no choice but to read their stuff. The next series of blogs I do will be to discuss their recent “Congress at the Midterm: Their 2005 Middle-Class Record” report.

But before I do that I have to put this YearlyKos retrospective to bed. Literally. At about 2:00 a.m. I crawled back into my Murphy bed for the last time. I would reemerge two hours later, cram all my laundry into the thoughtfully given “Mark Warner YearlyKos Laundry Bag”, and caught a cab to the airport where I slept for about an hour on a lumpy row of seats before boarding my plane for home.

It’s funny how when the media is presented with something new and unfamiliar, the first reaction is to try to equate it to something they're familiar with. YearlyKos showed everyone how the Democratic base is getting organized. We're getting energized. We're taking our party back. And the reaction for the media is "well, this must be just like Rush Limbaugh in the early 90s." So the look, as they have been doing for the better part of a decade, for the "Liberal Rush Limbaugh." They think they've found it in Markos. They are wrong.

The left has no Rush Limbaugh, because the left needs no Rush Limbaugh. The thing they can't get through their heads is that the Republican Revolution was top down. This Democratic revolution, this 'people powered politics' ideal is bottom up. It couldn't be any more unlike what's happened on the right, past or present. Ah, but that kind of story would take time, and effort. Best to just drag out an old Limbaugh piece, hit F5, type 'Rush' under find, 'Markos' under replace, file the story, and get back to writing that book.

So from one ‘mind-numbed Kos robot’ to another, let us bid adieu to YearlyKos 2006. We laughed, we cried, we partied, we drank, but this much I can say with certainty—not one of us slept worth a shit. See you all next year!

Hello again Majority Report Listeners!

2006-06-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my 3rd appearance on the Majority Report, but my 1st with guest host Thom Hartman. I was especially excited to be on the air with Thom because virtually everywhere I go someone has told me "You should be on Thom Hartman's show!" I'm glad that finally happened.

If you want more I'll be on with Thom again this Friday morning when the hardest working man in political talk radio fills in for Rachel Maddow, and then again one week from today during Thom's regular show.

Thanks for stopping by!

YearlyKos Day 2—More Than Just The Warner Party

2006-06-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

Day 2 started entirely too early. The previous night I had agreed to attend Mike Stark’s panel on how to get on conservative talk shows. So around 7:45 (having just gotten to sleep at around 2:30 a.m.) I make my way down to the lobby. I noticed more of that ceiling spackle had fallen. This coupled with the fact that I inadvertently yanked my bathroom towel bar off the wall led me to believe that the entire hotel was falling apart. Breakfast for Day 2 consisted of a Snickers bar and one of my seemingly ever present Diet Cokes.

I got down to the meeting room, and not at all to my surprise Mike was running late. I figured he would be. I don’t think he left the Clark party until 3:30 a.m. About 8:05 or so Mike made it down and began the first ever Rush Limbaugh Call Seminar. Anyone who ever called into Rush’s show to disagree would always be accused by Rush of having attended a DNC seminar on how to get on the show. Like most of Rush’s boogeymen, I doubt this one ever really existed. As defined by Rush, these seminars taught attendees to tell the screener you’re a big fan and then switching to attack mode once you’re on the air. The on-air advice was basically to filibuster, spewing as much propaganda as you could before Rush cuts your mic.

Mike’s seminar did nothing of the sort. Here was Mike’s advice in a nutshell.

1) Hit redial a lot
2) Respect the screener, and be honest about why you called
3) Make sure you know the subject you’re talking about in detail
4) Be at your computer so you can Google stuff while you’re on hold
5) Maintain a respectful tone with the host—don’t get flustered

Wow! That’s some pretty nefarious shit right there! No wonder Rush always warned us about these “Seminar Callers.” I know what the ditiots are going to say. “You just said ‘be honest,’ but Mike lies about his identity! HA! In your FACE, lefty!” That’s why I said be honest about WHY you called and not who you are. There’s no reason for the average caller to use a fake name. I’d call myself ‘Jim from Memphis’ if I were to ever get through. But Mike’s kind of an exception to the rule. Mike calls a lot, and as such most screeners aren’t going to let ‘Mike from Albany’ on the air. To a certain extent I understand where this comes from. If you have the same caller every day then he’s not a caller anymore, he’s a recurring guest. I could also understand if he dropped a lot of f-bombs or otherwise made himself overtly offensive or inarticulate. He’s not, though. He’s actually a very interesting caller who does a really good job of articulating the ‘real’ liberal argument as opposed to Rush’s straw man. Ultimately that’s the real reason they don’t take calls from Mike in Albany--because they don’t like Mike in Albany. That’s why I call this one a ‘fair ball’ for Mike.

After Mike’s panel was done I went to see the “Outing Valerie Plame” panel. This story has always pissed me off. I don’t care if it was a Republican or a Democrat who did it, you burn a CIA agent and you should fry. I had a really aggravating discussion about this with my dad about this after I got back…I’ll get into that a little later.

The panel ended, and I returned to my Murphy bed for a little siesta. I woke up hungry, and, as I do every time I go to Vegas, I went over to the Hilton to eat at the Star Trek Experience. I know! I’m sorry! Here we were trying to portray ourselves as something other than a big Star Trek convention of bloggers, and I go over and eat at the Star Trek restaurant. Look, all I’m going to say is the Romulan Ale is fantastic, as is the Wrap of Kahn. KAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNN!

So I’m a dork. Don’t like it, read another blog. !8)

After lunch I went to the Meta panel discussion. I had a special reason for wanting to attend this particular discussion group—I had no idea what ‘meta’ meant. I’d always wondered, and I figured someone would tell me if and when it became important for me to know. But I couldn’t wait anymore. I HAD to know what a ‘meta’ diary was. Who is this ‘meta’ Jesus? And by doing what I do, do I make him cry? For a while it seemed I would never know. They had free wireless internet access at the conference (natch), and I got distracted by checking into stuff from my day job. I wasn’t paying attention to the discussion, and by the time I looked up they’d already defined ‘meta.’ Damn it! I guess I was never meant to know! (Actually, Jeffrey Feldman explained it to me later that day—blogging about blogging).

After the Meta panel I had to go back up to my room. My afternoon schedule was a little hectic. I was supposed to do a photo shoot for the unConventional book at 4:00. Then at 4:15 I was scheduled to be on the John McIntire show in Pittsburgh via the phone in my room. Then at 5:00 I was supposed to be on the Majority Report with Sam Seder. I wound up showing up a little early for the photo shoot hoping to get that out of the way so I could be a little more relaxed when I got to my room. I still get really nervous before going on the radio and need a little time to center myself beforehand.

The folks at the photo suite could not have been cooler! I walked in, they let me know what was going to happen, and had me sign a release. The release was something of a landmark moment as the line I was signing was labeled “model signature.” Add another name to my personal pantheon of ridiculous labels—Jim Derych, “Celebrity Author” and “Male Model.”

The photographer did an un-freaking-believable job. I do not photograph well. I have one ‘look’ that I give the camera, and I don’t mean that in a Derek Zoolander kind of way. I don’t have one look that I can subtly turn into a bunch of different looks. I just have my big, dopey smile and that’s it. But she really took some amazing candids given how little she had to work with.

While she’s taking pictures a guy walks into the room who for some reason I don’t recognize. Other folks seem to be excited that he’s here, and my little session stops briefly. The guy starts waving his hands saying “no, no, don’t stop for me. He was here already. I’m just stopping by to say ‘hey.’” He walks over to me, extends his hand and says “Hi. I’m Joe Wilson.” Um…Hi Joe Wilson…I’m nobody, really. I actually can’t resist the urge to say something stupid, so I say “I’ve heard a lot about you…I’ve heard even more about your wife!” Ba-dum-bump. Mercifully Graciously, he laughed. Joe was in the room for maybe 2 minutes, but in that time he completely destroyed this ‘arrogant asshole’ persona that the Right tries to frame him with. He was totally nice and totally personable in a private setting where assholes tend to be assholes.

Jumping out of chronology for a moment, after I got back I shared this story with my dad, leading with the fact that I had met Joe Wilson. “What, you mean that guy who outed his own wife?” It was such an unbelievable statement that I had no idea how to respond to it. It was so wrong on so many levels that I was briefly struck dumb. “Wh… how… WHAT!?” In dad’s world (shaped, as you may already know, by the right-wing noise machine) apparently “everyone knows” that Joe had a bone to pick with Cheney, so he leaked his wife’s name to the media and subsequently tried to frame the White House for it. This comment came at a bad time. I had an appointment in 15 minutes, and it was probably going to take me at least an hour just to get dad back to within sight of reality’s horizon. It means I’ll have more work to do later, but I had to let it go with nothing more than a “everything you seem to know about Joe Wilson is wrong.”

Back to Vegas. I left the photo shoot and returned to my room where I waited for John McIntire’s show to call. He was looking for a little YearlyKos recap, which I was happy to provide. By this point I was really in awe about how big the convention had become, and I was happy to spread the word. I was on John’s show for about 30 minutes or so. I kept repeating Markos’ theme of “people powered politics,” and how we were witnessing a rebirth of the Democratic Party. I talked about how in Memphis a grassroots movement sprung up to throw out the old regime that had been running the Shelby Democratic Party for generations (and like most regimes, had gotten a little fat, dumb, and happy), and about how the same thing had happened in Louisville.

We only took one call while I was on the air, but it was a telling one. It was from someone who was a higher-up with the Pittsburgh Democrats (John’s show airs in Pittsburgh), and he was…well, let’s just say he was not pleased. In his opinion this grassroots rebellion could only lead to less effective Democratic leadership as we threw out experienced pols in favor of less experienced ideologues. Pretty much a standard pro-establishment answer. I don’t know anything about local politics in Pittsburgh. The guy may have a point. But I’m more likely to believe the old Jefferson quote about the need for the tree of liberty to be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots (or tyrants, whichever the case may be).

After that I went back downstairs to the Air America studio suite for what I thought was going to be a panel discussion, but what became me and Gina on the air with Sam.

I have to do a little time traveling again, because I meant to write about this weeks ago and I never did. When I was doing my signing in New York City, Sam had me on the Majority Report with him and Janeane. I was on for two segments, and it has definitely been a Top 3 moment for me on the book tour (possibly even still #1…just waiting for YearlyKos stuff to finish sinking in). About a month earlier I had done my only other ‘in studio’ appearance on the Jim Bohannon show. I enjoyed it, and Jim was a very gracious host, but we largely sat in silence during the commercial breaks. There was very little (if any) personal interaction aside from the obligatory “how was your flight?” stuff. As such I kind of expected Sam and Janeane to treat me like something from the Antique’s Roadshow on PBS. I was something to be talked about, not to, in an attempt to ascertain it’s value. Some day I’m sure I’ll get tired of my preconceptions being so wrong.

Sam and Janeane were great! Unbelievably great! Both were engaging both on and off the air. So much so that I don’t even remember which stuff everybody heard and which stuff we said during commercials. Sam had clearly read my material and asked some great questions, and Janeane really put me at ease by being very easy to talk to (She also bucks the radio trend of speaking into the suspended or stationary microphone and literally does the show with a handheld mic like she’s doing standup). During breaks Janeane and I were able to kvetch about our respective dittohead dads (Carmine Garofalo and my dad could have been politically separated at birth). For the record, Janeane is uncomfortably attractive. On the Chowderhead Scale that puts her one step above “Wicked Retarded Hot.” I could never really tell from TV or film if she was ‘sexy’ or just ‘cute.’ She’s neither. She’s really, really hot. Angelina in her prime hot. Not that Sam is ugly or anything. Maybe in relation to Janeane, but…look, if I were so inclined, I’m sure I would find Sam to be attractive as well. I’m in enough trouble already at this point. I’d better get back to Vegas.

Sam inexplicably agreed to have me back on the air. Gina walked in at the same time, and was reluctant to accept Sam’s offer to be on the radio. Fortunately Sam and I were able to twist her arm and get her on the air to give her some richly deserved kudos. I was especially proud of Gina because she’s from Memphis (which, in case you didn’t know, is where I live). We went to rival high schools, and are about the same age. Here we were, a couple of Memphis kids in Vegas trying to change the world. Gina was a natural on the air, and the three of us had a great time. They had beer. That helped.

With the media appearances finally out of the way for the day, I joined Jeffrey Feldman, and two other folks (again, feel free to identify yourselves below) for dinner. Fed up with the crap hole dining conditions of the Riv, we went to a ‘real’ casino—The Wynn. Lots of folks are blown away by the Wynn, but frankly I just don’t get it. The thing cost billions of dollars, and other than having a really high ceiling I just can’t figure out where all that money went. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice. It’s just not “billions of dollars” nice. I’m thinking it must’ve been built by Halliburton. We ate at an Asian fusion restaurant named “Red.” The food was fine, but it was just laying the groundwork for the two parties that were left on the agenda—Mark Warner’s Stratosphere shindig, and Maryscott O’Conner’s party over at Circus Circus.

Much has been written about the Mark Warner party. Was he trying to buy our vote? Was he just showing that the blogosphere is legitimate now? Should we be excited? Should we be mad? Here’s my take. I had fun. Someone else paid for it. I know as much about Mark Warner now as I knew before the party—hardly anything. Consensus seemed to be that Mark was a nice guy, but a fairly conservative Democrat. If that means he’s socially conservative he could buy me a Lamborghini and I wouldn’t vote for him. I’m certainly not going to be swayed by a couple of drinks and a nice view. But who cares about WHY he threw the party. I’d rather talk about the party itself!

It was a Friday night in Vegas, and we had the entire Stratosphere to ourselves! Well, okay, we didn’t have the casino level on the ground floor, but everything up there at the top? That was our playground for the night. Mike Stark was there, and we started making the rounds. The observation level of the Stratosphere is basically like walking around inside a big donut, so we started walking the circle to see what we could see. The first think I saw was the martini bar. It was one of about 8 bars we found walking around, all of them open and paid for. Food, too. Sushi, carving stations, sandwiches, and the now famous chocolate fountain (Little known fact: Byron York was caught trying to dip his balls in it). There was “entertainment” as well which included a couple of guys doing the Blues Brothers schtick, and the worst Elvis impersonator I’ve ever seen (keep in mind I’m from Memphis. We execute bad Elvis impersonators). Basically it was like a baht mitzvah for one of Spielberg’s kids.

What especially interested Mike was the ability to ride all those rides up top for free. Most of them involve dangling you over the side of the hotel and centrifuging you in some fashion. I’ve done them all before, and the combination of spinning around at elevation and the amount of alcohol I’d already had would’ve meant doom for those walking the streets 1100 feet below.

We ran into Markos along the way, who introduced me to two reporters—one from Time magazine and one from the Weekly Standard. I was immediately transported back to my days as a Young Republican. Both were young, and both looked like they were above it all. In trying to look like dispassionate observers, I think they more sort of looked bored. Though it is possible that they really were just bored, and I should probably just give them the benefit of the doubt. Mike asked the Weekly Standard reporter “What do you think?” He said he was impressed, and that the whole YearlyKos thing was well executed, and very different from what he expected. Mike deadpanned, “Yeah, but what are you going to write?” The Standard guy chuckled, “The same thing.” I walked with Mike toward the elevator where he’d go up to Projectile Vomitland, and we parted company when I ran into Justin Krebs.

Justin started Drinking Liberally, and as such I owed him a lot. Everywhere I go on this book tour I run into folks who heard about me from Drinking Liberally. Largely that’s thanks to the work of Sarah Rutledge, the leader of the Memphis DL chapter. But I wanted to pay my respects to ‘the man,’ and introduce myself since we’d be on the same panel in the morning. Justin introduced me to the Denver chapter leader, and the three of us had a great conversation.

Finally it was time for Mark Warner to make his address. Learning nothing from Wesley Clark, Mark Warner did his speech without using the Stratosphere’s P.A. Instead of addressing everyone at once, he only gave his speech to those who happened to be near him at the time (to be fair, maybe these casino’s don’t let you use their PAs). Though this time at least he used an amp. The one that belonged to the Blues Brothers. And he was well lit, which was a bonus. I was totally going to listen to him, but I started talking to Dr. J (Jeffrey Feldman) and kind of quit listening to Mark. I know, I know. He paid, and I should have respected him more. I’ll find out more about him later, I promise.

It was getting late (again), I was working on very little sleep, and I was about ready to go home. Instead I let someone talk me into going to Maryscott’s party at Circus Circus. I’m glad I did because Maryscott was throwing a party more in line with what I’m used to. Instead of being served a Kos-mopolitan with a big, blinky plastic ice cube while rubbing elbows with bigwigs and politicos, I’d much rather just pull a Corona out of a bath tub filled with ice, sit in the hotel room, and shoot the shit. If they made a beer commercial for libs it would look like that party. Not to wax philosophical or anything, but the difference between Mark’s party and Maryscott’s sort of illustrates what separates the blogosphere from mainstream politics. One seemed to be more about who you know, and the other was more about who you are.

I think I left Maryscott’s at 1:30 or 2:00 a.m. My panel was going to start in about 7 hours, and I was in desperate need of sleep.

Two days down, one day to go!

YearlyKos—My Three Days with the “Fringe Left”

2006-06-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

Act One—They Meet

Honestly, when I first heard about YearlyKos I didn’t expect a whole lot out of it. I figured it’d be maybe 50 or 60 of us playing poker and knocking back brews (strictly a side note…never bluff a Russian). Instead it was the political Woodstock (minus all the sex and drugs) of the modern liberal era.

I wanted to get some observations out there while they were fresh on my mind. I keep trying to do this with the book tour, but between media stuff, my day job, my travel schedule, and spending downtime with my lovely and gracious wife, I keep forgetting. So here we go, starting with day one.

I arrived on Thursday night after registration closed (around 6:00 p.m. local time) and gave Jeffrey Feldman a call. He was nice enough to come to my book signing in NYC and we exchanged info for Vegas. I met him (along with John Javna and a few other people who shall remain nameless for privacy reasons) at the Riviera food court where we ate cheap Mexican food. For future reference, never eat cheap Mexican food at the Riviera food court. In fact, forget that last qualifier. Never eat chap Mexican food. Period.

After finishing our ‘food’ we were off to the opening night keynote hosted by Laughing Liberally’s Baratunde (a “funny, funny murf” as we would say in Memphis). Markos gave a fantastic speech, and Tom Tomorrow premiered a couple of strips. Hy-freaking-larious. Will Keenan wrapped things up with the “Mission Accomplished Man” video, and thus “Vote for fear!” became the hot phrase of the conference. It later became sort of like the D-Day sign-countersign “Thunder-Flash” thing. Folks would ask it as a question “Vote for fear?” and see if they got an enthusiastic “Vote for fear!” response, or the “oh God, what is this crazy person saying” look. Both looks were rewarding.

After the keynote we went to the Hard Rock Casino for Wesley Clark’s shindig. I was happy to go because I owed the General an apology. When I was a dittohead I once verbally abused a Wes Clark supporter. I’ve since been able to apologize directly to that supporter (which was very cool. Needless to say she was more happy that I’d seen the light than angry that I was such a dick. In fact, her exact words were “sure you were a dick! You were a dittohead!” Fair enough. Where was I? Oh yeah…), but I still felt like I owed one to Clark.

So we all head down to the taxi stand. For future reference, taxis don’t stop on Las Vegas Boulevard. It’s too dangerous, against local ordinances, and so you have to go to a hotel taxi stand. Lots of folks were waving hopelessly at cabs on the street. I hope they figured it out eventually…otherwise they might still be there. Anyway, we go to the taxi stand and there’s a line a mile long. Cabs don’t generally go by the Riv because it’s kind of isolated, and it’s not as big as it once was. So we’re waiting for a cab, and it looks like it’s gonna be HOURS before we get one. At around this point a guy from the Riv asks if we want to take a limo over. It’d cost more ($40 for the 8 of us), but we’d get there, you know, TODAY while the party was still raging.

So we’re riding over in the limo, and folks are talking politics. What should we do about Iraq (Duh! I already answered this one…give it to China! Hello?), how can we get the economy back on track, why are we mandating flex-fuel engines, that kind of thing. I couldn’t resist the opportunity to say, “Here we go…all you libs fixing the world from the backs of your limousines. You guys are SO out of touch!” It got a laugh.

We got to the Hard Rock and headed over to the party (after first realizing how much nicer the Hard Rock is compared to the Riv…which, sadly, is true of most hotels in Las Vegas). Problem was I didn’t have a credential since I got there after registration closed, so there was some concern as to how I would get in. So I just walked up and pretended like I had one, but that you couldn’t see it. I had a whole “Emperor’s New Clothes” idea I was going to use about why my credential was invisible, but I didn’t need it. The bouncer dude just slapped a wristband on me and we were off to the “Private Event.”

Clark held the event on the balcony level of the Hard Rock’s auditorium. It was cramped, crowded, oddly lit, and didn’t have anywhere near enough seating. When Clark addressed the crowd, he did so without a microphone despite the fact that there was a PA system piping in music. He didn’t have a podium either. He just stood on top of one of the bar tables. While this ordinarily might have had a populist feel, it was so dark up there that the General looked more like a dark, shadowy figure. The acoustics were surprisingly bad, and as a result I don’t think most people understood a word he was saying. I got as close as I could get given the crowd, and I still couldn’t make it out, so I went back to my group and the conversation I was having. This resulted in lots of folks ‘shushing’ us, which I understood, but it kind of seemed like maybe he could have gotten a mic and avoided the whole problem. I’m too fidgety to sit silently and listen to something I can’t hear.

I rode back in a cab with some folks I’d met at Clark’s event (you’re free to identify yourselves in the comments section). They asked why I was there, and I explained how I was the ‘Former Dittohead’ guy. Turns out they’d gone to the party with Mike Stark, and they were looking for me. How’s that for a coincidence? One of them calls up Mike and hands me the phone. We talk. I’ve long been and admirer of Mike, and told him so. Mike wanted me to be there for his panel the next morning to discuss what works and what doesn’t when talking to Rush’s audience. I told him I’d be there and got back to the hotel at about 1:30 a.m. Mike’s panel was at 8:00 a.m. This would be a recurring theme for YearlyKos. There will be stuff you want to do very late at night, and stuff you’d like to attend very early in the morning. Expect to sleep between 3:45 p.m.-7:00 p.m. and you should be fine.

I got back to the Riv. Walking down the hallway I noticed that part of the ceiling had fallen—you know, that little knubby, spackley stuff? Aside from being unfortunate I don’t give it much thought. Remember this stuff. It’ll come up again later. I go around the corner and enter my hotel room for the first time. One curious thing that I notice almost immediately—there’s no bed. This was a first. What exactly was the purpose of a hotel room with no bed? I was about to call the front desk when I noticed a handle on the wall. Pulling it revealed something I wasn’t expecting. For some inexplicable reason my bed folded up into the wall (my mother-in-law would later explain that this is called a ‘Murphy Bed.’ I don’t know who Murphy was, but my guess is he slept like shit. Probably that same dude who came up with Murphy’s Law. If I had to sleep on one of those for a prolonged period of time, I’d probably be about that pessimistic, too).

Finally, mercifully, I fell asleep.

God, three pages and I only managed to cover the shortest of the 3 days I spent in Vegas. Looks like this diary’s gonna have to be a series.

For Memorial Day Remember Lance Cpl. Jose Gutierrez--Illegal Immigrant, American Hero

2006-05-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe everyone already knows this or has talked about it and I just missed it. Maybe I don’t pay enough attention to the blogs, but in this whole immigration debate this was the first time I’d heard the following fact—one of the first U.S. fatality in Iraq was an illegal immigrant. Here is an AP story on the life and tragic death of Jose Gutierrez:

LOS ANGELES — One of the first U.S. servicemen killed in combat in Iraq was not a citizen of the country for which he sacrificed his life.

Lance Cpl. Jose Gutierrez, 22, a rifleman with the Marines, died in a firefight March 21 near Umm Qasr.

Born in Guatemala, Gutierrez held permanent U.S. resident status, which he obtained in 1999.
At 14, with his parents dead, Gutierrez followed the path of 700,000 of his countrymen to California. He made the 2,000-mile journey from his Guatemala City neighborhood without entry papers. He hopped 14 freight trains to get through Mexico. U.S. immigration authorities detained him.

Fernando Castillo, Guatemala’s consul general in Los Angeles, says the United States doesn’t deport Guatemalan minors who arrive without family. Gutierrez was made a ward of Los Angeles Juvenile Court. He was placed in a series of group homes and foster families. He learned English and finished high school.

When he reached 18, he got residency documents, Castillo said.

Marcelo Mosquera, a machinist from Ecuador, and his wife, Nora, were the last couple that sheltered the lanky teenager. They cared for two younger foster children, as well, at their home in suburban Lomita, said Hector Tobar, a family friend.

Neighbors told the Los Angeles Times that Gutierrez acted as the big brother, taking the younger kids to the nearby McDonald’s.

Tobar said Gutierrez talked of becoming an architect but put college plans on hold to join the Marine Corps a year ago. Jackie Baker, the Mosqueras’ adult daughter, told Spanish-language KVEA-TV here that Gutierrez “wanted to give the United States what the United States gave to him. He came with nothing. This country gave him everything.

The U.S. Embassy notified Gutierrez’s older sister, his only surviving relative, of his death. He will be buried in Guatemala at her request, Castillo said.

On this Memorial Day let’s remember that Jose represented the best of us. Someone who came to this country for all the right reasons, and who laid down his life in the pursuit of a liberty he only briefly knew. This country gave him everything, and he gave everything for his country. Some people go their entire lives wondering if they made a difference. Marines don’t have that problem. Semper Fi, Jose.

Rush Blames Bush Malaise on Iraq Victory

2006-05-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sending this over to the Huffington Post tonight. It's a little something I wrote while I was waiting for my flight in Charlotte. I saw this article on RushLimbaugh.com and I just couldn't believe it. Enjoy!

I have witnessed some pretty remarkable feats of mental gymnastics in my adult political life. Some of them I performed myself, where I could accept family values advice from Rush “Fourth Time’s the Charm” Limbaugh or Newt “Till Some Kind of Really Bad Illness Do Us Part” Gingrich. Others I watch from afar, like the debate over why Bush’s tax cuts failed to lead to more federal revenue throughout his first term, which conservatives will argue with all the passion of the Geocentric Solar System crowd of the Middle Ages. But today I witnessed the Keri Strug, gold medal winning, one-legged stuck landing of mental gymnastics—a little article on rushlimbaugh.com entitled (and I swear I’m not making this up) “Has Our Success in the War on Terror Made Bush Vulnerable on Other Issues?”

My first thought upon reading that headline was that I had once again inadvertently gone to the website http://www.rushlimbaughonline.com/, which is very different from the ‘original.’ My second thought was that maybe I had stumbled onto some new part of The Onion online news magazine. No one in their right mind would say that…would they? Intrigued, I clicked through.

It’s a transcript from a call that Rush took on his May 25th show. The caller has a theory as to why our congressional leaders seem “so out of touch.” See, it used to be easy for Republicans to transfer accountability for their policy failures to others—blaming Clinton and the Democrats for everything from 9/11 to Duke Cunningham. But given Republican control of the House, the Senate, the White House, and the Supreme Court, it’s becoming more and more difficult to find scapegoats. I’ve been told by two current dittoheads in my life that the reason Bush’s policies don’t work is because of the efforts of a nefarious, entrenched “liberal bureaucracy” that Bush can’t fire because of red tape. I had assumed both had heard of this bureaucracy from Rush, and I was looking forward to confirming its genesis.

I thought we were getting there when Rush gave the caller a verbal Scooby Snack for saying that the fault lies with leadership. “Amen! There is no elected conservative leadership -- and you're right -- these guys are just flying blind all over the place, self-interest ruling the day,” Rush intoned. Ah…here it comes. I’m not exactly sure what “no elected conservative leadership” means, but it sounds an awful lot like this liberal equivalent of Opus Dei.

The setup was perfect. Bush’s leadership failings, by the caller’s understanding, came from the fact that he’s not defending his administration enough. That he’s standing idly by while liberals and Democrats “are making outrageous statements against the United States' self-interests abroad,” and “harming our foreign policy efforts.” Yeah…that’s it. Bush is too nice for his own good. I guess Rove’s been too busy making brownies for orphans, and hasn’t had time to call Democrats “liars” and “traitors” lately.

To his credit, Rush doesn’t let the caller off the hook by blaming the Democrats. “…how do you explain the disconnect of the Republicans and the immigration bill, the disconnect in the Republican leadership in the house over this Congressman Jefferson business?” The caller turned again to the Democrats as being the ultimate culprits, saying that Republican’s mere proximity to Democrats is to blame. They party together, they hang out together, and the Democratic ‘evil mojo’ more or less moves from person to person by osmosis. But again, Rush doesn’t go for it and instead gives the caller credit for something he never said:

“I think that last is the bottom line. But it's all tied together with your original theory. There is no elected conservative leadership.”

So who or what, then, is to blame for the collapse of the Republican party and the failure of its policies? Wait for it…wait for it…

“[T]he Iraq war is already perceived to have been won, not that we're losing it. It's because we have won it, and the American people do not rank it as high on the list of things that concern them as, say, gasoline prices or immigration or what have you.”

There it is, folks! Don your flight suit and dust off that “Mission Accomplished” banner! The reason Bush can’t get any traction and Republicans can’t get anything done is because our proverbial asses are in ice cream! The American people know that the War on Iraq-o-bin-Terror-Laden-ism has been won, so we just don’t give a fart about Bush’s domestic policies anymore.

Any other time I’d just say this is Rush being Rush. Say something authoritatively, thump the desk, shuffle papers, make it sound like you know what you’re talking about, and the dittohead nation will believe you. But this is a little different, because a) the idea is bat shit insane, and b) because it’s so easy to prove otherwise. CNN/Opinion Research Poll--#1 Issue-Terrorism followed by the economy and Iraq. CBS News--#1 Issue-The war in Iraq. The Harris Poll--#1 Issue-The war. NBC/WSJ Iraq War ties for #1 with the economy. Pew Research—American’s top voting priority? Protecting the U.S. from another terrorist attack.

As to the ‘conventional wisdom’ that “everyone knows we’ve already won the war,” that brings up another set of issues. Most pollsters don’t have the balls at this point to seriously ask the question “have we won the war in Iraq,” so we’ll have to infer how the American people feel about it. Let’s see…majorities of Americans, some of them overwhelming…

Disapprove of the way Bush is handling the war
Think the Iraq war was a mistake
Find the level of U.S. casualties unacceptable
Believe the Iraq war has made us less save from terrorism
Have ‘not much’ or ‘no confidence’ that Bush will successfully end the war (ahh…that kind of addresses the ‘have we won the war’ question, doesn’t it?)
And finally, remarkably, 52% of Americans think Bush intentionally misled the American public into war with Iraq.

Yip-yip-Yahoo! Sounds like victory if ever I heard it! It’s just more evidence of what I said before. The so-called party of ideas is officially out of ideas. And all the mental gymnastics in the world won’t save them from Judgement Day on November 18th.

But, hey, at least it's good to know that we've won the war, right!?

I Love NY!—Some post signing thoughts and road notes

2006-05-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

So I did my signing at the Barnes and Noble on 6th Ave last night, and I just have to say I LOVE New York City! I’ve always suspected that this love is in some way genetic. Both my parents grew up near here (Dad in Little Ferry and mom in Bloomfield), and most of my family immigrated here within the last 3 or 4 generations. Never lived here, but it’s always sort of felt like home.

The signing last night was great! I got my usual crowd of 20 or so folks thanks largely (if not exclusively) to the efforts of JaneKnowles. Other fellow Kossaks in the crowd included ‘ask,’ this wonderful lady who’s name temporarily escapes me (you were the first one there! You deserve credit for that!), and Jeffrey Feldman of Frameshop fame. Since Jeffrey and I are on the same panel at Yearly Kos I was able to guilt him into buying a book. !8)

Today is my first “day off” since I got here. Two days ago I was in D.C. for a signing at Busboys and Poets. I got off the plane at Reagan National at about 2:15 p.m., and set off for the studios of RNN at 400 N. Capitol Blvd. I was scheduled to be on Richard French Live at 3:00, and made it more or less just in time. This was my first T.V. appearance, and it was way more nerve wracking than being on radio. I’m naturally a fidgeter, and I talk with my hands. It was very difficult for me to sit there like I was posing for a portrait. Still, it seems like the gig worked as sales for my book spiked after the segment aired.

The D.C. signing was a mixed bag. I had a pretty good crowd (10 to 15 people), and they asked a lot of questions and seemed to enjoy themselves, but I didn’t wind up selling a lot of books. I’m sure he was only trying to be nice, but the bookstore manager annoyed me afterwards talking about how great these events usually are, and how many people were here the week before for another author. Gee, thanks. Worse, because I took so much time answering questions I missed the 8:30 express train to New York City and I wound up having to take the 10:00 local. That put me in NYC at about 2:00 in the morning. Still, the train ride was pretty cool. I’ve never taken regional rail like that before, and sitting in business class I was way more comfortable than I’d be on a plane. As an added bonus I got to charge my laptop (why can’t planes have 120v plug-ins?) while I did a little blogging. I was hoping the train might have wifi or broadband, but sadly I had to use my cellular wireless card.

That reminds me, lots of people have asked me how I like the cellular wireless thing. I’m with Cingular and I use a Sony Ericsson cellular card to connect. The best way for me to describe the experience is to say that using cellular wireless is a lot like digging a tunnel with a spoon. Can you do it? Yes, but why would you want to unless you had absolutely no other alternative. On more than one occasion I’ve found myself splurging ten bucks on a t-mobile day pass at Starbucks rather than using my cell card.

Though I bitch about it, the card was still good enough to keep me connected to ‘Courtside Live’ at NBA.com, so I could keep up with the Dallas-San Antonio game. Friggin’ Mavs. Now I’m out of teams to root for in the playoffs.

By the time I got to NYC I was tired, already homesick, and a little bummed. Over the next 24 hours all that would change. The event at Barnes & Noble on 6th was great! Lots of people, lots of laughing, lots of questions, and we moved a lot of paper. Afterwards the local DL folks took me to Boxer’s and I was able to knock back a couple of much needed Boddington’s while having a great time talking politics.

So now I’m reinvigorated! Last night my ego got a boost, my book rank got a boost, and my blood-alcohol level got a boost—all three good things so long as you’re not driving (which I wasn’t). Today I got to just hang out in the city. I ate lunch at Chat and Chew on 14th near Union Square (free tip: get dessert), did some touristy stuff around Broadway and 42nd Street, and generally rode around on the subway like a ‘big boy.’ A couple of times during the day other tourists would ask me for directions. How cute! The think I’m a local! I got a kick out of that.

So now I’m sitting in a Starbucks near Times Square, just relaxing and enjoying myself. In about 5 hours I’ll be on the Majority Report with Janeane and Sam, which is a huge thrill. Then tomorrow I get to go home, which is an even bigger thrill! Still, I thank New York for the much needed energy boost!

Now I’m off to the station at Broadway and 42nd to catch the Q back to the L back to the R back to Brooklyn. At least I think that’s how I got here. Doesn’t matter. Folks will still ask me for directions. Must be in my blood.

A Modest Iraqi Proposal

2006-05-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something I posted over at the Huffington Post in case you missed it:

I don’t mean to name drop, but I’m friends with Jon Swift. No, seriously! Check it out! Nice guy. Reasonable conservative. Great with children. Anyway, he and I have great conversations, and as a result of our witty banter I’ve solved the problem in Iraq. We will soon be free to move on and focus on other issues.

What amazed me was how simple the answer really is. Take a look at the situation. The Iraq war is getting really expensive. Fortunately we’re not paying for it with our own money. That we reserve for things like abstinence-only education, faith-based initiatives, and pumping our seniors full of prescription drugs. Rather than soil our own cash with an endeavor such as Iraq, we’ve elected to borrow the money from China.

Using Chinese money, then, we have overthrown Saddam and brought peace and stability to the region—or at least that was how it was supposed to go. Sadly this part hasn’t gone according to plan. A violent insurgency persists. The Iraqi’s seem to prefer expressing their newfound freedom on a concrete canvas with blood and hot lead rather than the crinkly parchment of a Jeffersonian Constitution. Since we seem to lack both the will and the manpower to put down this insurgency, I say let’s outsource the problem!

What the world needs is a stable Iraq. What America needs is a quick way to pay off some of its credit card debt. And what China needs is oil. Lots and lots of oil. How to accommodate all three needs? Simple. Give Iraq to China. Bingo! Problem solved! Why not? They paid for it, didn’t they? And they’re great at putting down insurgencies! Best of all, they’ll be able to take care of their own oil needs without dorking up the rest of the world market.

China gets its oil, we get some fiscal leverage back, and the world gets a strong and stable government in Iraq. It’s a win-win-win! As an unintended benefit this solution frees up all those U.S. troops who we’re going to need for phase two of my “Plan to solve all of America’s problems”—the invasion of Mexico.
But that is another story for another day. For now I bid you adieu by simply professing that I, in the sincerity of my heart, have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country

My Unwilling Personal Corner of the Internet

2006-05-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I give up. My time as a Blog Gypsy has finally passed. I have fought with every fiber of my being the idea of starting my own blog. I figured there were plenty of opportunities for folks to read what I had to say on Daily Kos, or the Huffington Post, or My Left Wing, or Liberal Street Fighter, etc. And, to be perfectly honest, I’m just too damn lazy. It’s the same reason I didn’t really want to write a book—it seemed like entirely too much work.

I agreed to write a book because I’d already written so much material as to be more than half way done with it. Now I’ve finally decided to start my own blog because borrowing everyone else’s has become more work than doing it myself. Over at Huffington Post I’ve got to run with the breaking news of the moment. At Daily Kos it all comes down to a catchy title lest I wind up in blog-blivion. My Left Wing became kind of my blog junk drawer where I’d put everything else that was left up on their front page.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t really control what I write about. I’m sure the blogosphere will be crowded today and tomorrow with reaction to Bush’s border security plan. I may write about it, I may not, but I know for sure that I can’t compel myself to write about it. Something may occur to me this afternoon, in which case whatever I write will go over to the Huffington Post. Maybe it’ll be a couple of days from now in which case I’ll spend about an hour thinking of a title, throwing it up on Daily Kos and crossing my fingers. More than likely the issue won’t resonate at all with me, and I’ll write something about how I didn’t really like Skyline Chili in Columbus, Ohio. I mean, seriously, cinnamon in chili? What’s up with that!? Whatever it is, it’s unfair of me to subject Maryscott and others to it on the front page of an otherwise popular political blog.

And so it is with little fanfare and enthusiasm that I present to you “ExDittohead.com” the official website of “Celebrity Author” Jim Derych, and my book Confessions of a Former Dittohead.