The HumorSmith Chronicle

Cardiac Unrest

2008-07-24T00:00:00.016-07:00

Years and years into this love thing, and I still don't get it. All I know for certain is it's very hard on the heart. Even with the plethora of dating sites and advice books available, I am still looking for my babe in the woods...or wherever else she may be hiding. I am not fond of the bar scene, and online dating sites scare me, but how else am I supposed to meet women?

If you have not been to one of those sites, let me save you some time reading the profiles...all the women love to laugh. Wow, what a revelation, eh? They also like travel, and they like cuddling and holding hands and kissing, but mysteriously, the "s" word never appears.

All the men like to laugh also, and they have dogs and interesting hobbies around the house, but again, that word is missing. Honestly, I believe as many women as men are hoping for some action from these sites, but it just ain't right to come out and say so. Why, that would mean people would have to admit they like....sex! *gasp*. Don't worry about it; it's just part of the double standard, Puritan/libertine mind dichotomy in the US, and another reason love and sex are so confusing for many people.

Do you realize admitting you like sex can consign you to eternal damnation? Or is that eternal frustration? It figures, though. For many, a good mind f*** is perfectly fine, and they want us to join them. Not me, though, I've got my preferences. And calluses on my hand. And glasses. Oh, and when I looked up calluses, here's what I found: "A localized thickening and hardness of the horny layer of the skin." So apparently when someone says they are really horny, they mean it.

The key question is, "what do women/men want, and is it ever the same thing?" Yeah, right. You've got a better chance of making a moon landing in a Hummer. Or of getting a hummer whenever you ask. When the hormones take over, it's libido time and everything is terrific. When the logic circuits kick in, things are still okay, but sometimes they look, well, ordinary, which is never a good state for love. What can you do? Why the hell are you asking me? If I had love figured out, you can be pretty sure I'd have something better to do at night than blog.

I also keep hearing and reading about how much women love comedians. C'mon....do you think Carrot Top gets laid every night? If you know he does, keep it to yourself, or I'll have to eat my gun. Trust me, this blog has gotten me zero female companionship, though I did hear from a lovely therapist. She sounded wonderful. She even wanted to see me three times a week....at $350 an hour. I know better places to spend that much with better results.

Thing is, I'm still as relationship challenged as when I started, but I am very sure Dr.Phil is a moron, so I guess there is a positive side to this mess.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Assault And Bat

2008-07-23T01:03:00.013-07:00

What's the world coming to when you can't trust a hero? Dark Knight Christian Bale was arrested by London police after his mom and sister accused him of assault. Are they batty? I can't believe the Caped Crusader would beat up on his family. Sure, Batman's got issues, but they cause him to don black latex and creep around the city all night, and when he does batter, it's only deserving villains.

I guess Christian's out on....bale. See, now that's more painful than anything he's been accused of, and nobody's pressing charges against me. I find it interesting that the cops waited until after the premiere of Dark Knight in London before they busted Chris. Courtesy, or did they not have enough evidence? His family showed no signs of battery, in fact they said Christian only pushed them. They must have been pretty peeved at him, though. In my family, inappropriate actions usually resulted in a stern lecture and/or lack of outside the house privileges for a week or two, but nobody ever thought of involving the law.

I have a sneaking hunch mom and sis want some of Bale's money, something like: "If you don't give us a million dollars, we'll have you jailed." I would have just asked him nicely, but I'm strange that way. Seems counterproductive to arrest the bat that lays the golden egg; jail seriously impairs a man's ability to make a living, and if Bale ain't workin', he ain't earnin'.

On the other wing, he could just cash in on the entire incident with a new film: The Batman of Alcatraz

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Brassholes

2008-07-21T23:07:00.014-07:00

I think counterterroism dollars should be spent on counterterroism, but the Air Force brass thinks differently. Terroism is a big concern, so the government keeps telling us, and yet some Air Force officials would rather spend the money on comfort zones in the air. Y'know, it doesn't make much difference how comfortable you are, when your ass gets blown up it all works out the same. I hate to think I could be next to some building that blows up and then get buried under a ton of debris while those guys are flying overhead in very soft chairs and watching dvds and talking on the phone and ordering champagne. How exactly does their comfort protect us?

I'm amazed they have the chutzpah to do this with our money while many of us...okay, a few of us are cowering in terror. If we all get obliterated, would you feel better knowing some military big shots are happy and relaxed and able to press a button and shoot missiles at the folks they think bombed us?

How about if we allow them to go ahead with their plans with the stipulation that in event of an attack, their planes automatically fly into the tallest buildings in the homeland of the terroists? They'd still blow up with the rest of us, but at least they'd go smithereens in style, and for a good cause. Now that's unity!

Of course, those Islamablama ding dongs don't have a specific homeland, so probably all we'd hit is tunnels, but still...it's the thought that counts.

Either you believe terroism is a real threat and you plan accordingly, or you spend the money wisely. I don't see either of those scenarios in this story. Since 9/11, they've all been scaring the hell out of us, and we've been properly frightened, but now all of a sudden they want to use the money for flying entertainment centers? This is American consumerism gone mad. What the big guys are not telling us is they also ordered new uniforms for the USAF personnel aboard their cloud lounges:

"Okay, we may die any moment, but look at that big screen tv, and check out the full-length mirror and the crew."

I almost go along with the rest of it, but a full-length mirror and sexy uniforms? What the hell? Why would they need those at all? It makes me wonder exactly what they plan to do in those "comfort capsules".And why are they so concerned about comfort in the event of war? If war gets comfortable, it'll never end. War should be extremely uncomfortable; it certainly is for the fighting men and women.

Besides, with these airborne dens of inequity, all Air Force jets carrying the top brass should be easy to spot, which will just make it easier for the fanatics to shoot them down: That's all we need; our Air Force commanders looking like scared...rabbits.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Angelina's Crowning Achievements

2008-07-20T16:56:00.028-07:00

"Shameless whoring on my part. Just testing to see if a picture of La Jolie will drive more traffic to my blog."-HumorSmith

I have to admit I was really excited when I read the headline about Angelina Jolie and the twins, until I realized it meant her newborn babies. Apparently she and the Pittstop sold the first photos of the kids for $11 million, which they will donate to charity. I must remember to write them about my charity organization that helps the humor challenged worldwide. The HumorSmith Foundation is nonprofit, just like me.

All this fuss about celebrity babies is just SOP in the media, and that will never change. I don't seem to recall a big deal being made over my birth, although my parents were pretty thrilled. I think the Tillamook Headlight-Herald offered them $5.00 to put my picture in the paper. Or did the folks have to pay $5.00 to the paper? Oh, now I remember. The newspaper and town council offered them $500.00 if they promised never to mention I was born there. Well, good luck getting your cash back gang!

I had hoped the star duo would adopt me and that Angelina planned to nurse, but with the twins added to the other kids they've taken in, that wish looks a lot less realistic than in the beginning. I mean just how much house do you think they can afford? It's not like they're rich or anything. They have to work like everybody else. Okay, not like everybody else; I doubt most of us have to spend that much time putting on makeup. I don't know where Brad finds the hours.

I wasn't going to let this out; in fact I promised Brad I wouldn't, but, well, he hasn't returned my calls in a while, so screw him. Here's a pic I got of him without makeup:You'll notice he still gets the girls, even in his natural state. Yeah, I know what you're gonna say, but think about it. Have you ever seen Verne and Brad together?

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Airstrip

2008-07-19T13:35:00.014-07:00

Did you hear the one about the naked man on the airplane? On a flight from Boston to LA Friday, a man came out of the restroom nude. He was confronted by the New England Revolution soccer team's general manager who told him to put his clothes back on, to which Mr.Buff said, "I don't hear you. I don't see you."

Seems like I saw this movie. It was called "Amazon Women On The Moon", and in it Ed Begley, Jr. played the Invisible Man and ran around naked. Only problem was he wasn't invisible. As for Captain Naked, he got dressed again, then tried to open the exit door, at which point he was subdued by angry soccer players and tied up in a seat. He should feel lucky; we all know soccer players are really good at kicking really hard. I can't imagine what the guy was thinking. Nude skydiving usually requires a parachute and it doesn't work real well from a jet. Ask D.B. Cooper, who wasn't nude, but wasn't a successful jet skydiver either. Imagine if there'd been a soccer team on that flight. Maybe we should look into using them for security instead of Air Marshals. Nothing discourages air terror like a good swift field goal attempt to the nuggets.

Of course, I have often fantasized about being naked on a flight, but my fantasies also involve a naked female flight attendant, a blanket and soft moans. I would certainly never walk out of the restroom without my clothes. Perhaps the guy went in there to change suits and forgot he had no carry-on luggage. It could happen. On the positive side, nude passengers would certainly make the skies safer. Where could a terrorist hide a bomb? Ewww...don't even go there, all right? There's hardly enough room for their heads in there as it is.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Space Racist

2008-07-17T18:52:00.010-07:00

The county commissioners in Dallas, TX were having a meeting last week, and a White commissioner remarked the county commission's collections office has "become a black hole." Uh oh...look out....that sent Black Commissioner John Wiley Price right over the edge, and he corrected Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield immediately, saying what he surely meant to say was "white hole". Now, you all should realize if Wiley hadn't reacted, I wouldn't have to label the participants. But since the race card was dealt, there ya go.

Wow, this makes two stories this week that practically wrote themselves (see "Sockopath)". Wouldn't it be really neat if sanity made a sudden reappearance in this country? As a Caucasian, I am not offended by Wiley's substitution of "white hole". I am offended by his imbecility. What gave him the idea Mayfield's comment had anything to do with race? The only race to which the term black hole can be applied is the space race, and that is the kind of thinking that was sorely lacking in this meeting. Where's HAL
when we need him?"I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. I think you should sit down, John, and shut the hell up."

If only he had. Later outside, Price told Fox News, "So if it's 'angel food cake,' it's white. If it's 'devil's food cake,' it's black. If you're the 'black sheep of the family,' then you gotta be bad, you know. 'White sheep,' you're okay. You know?" And if you're a complete goober, it doesn't matter what shade you are! To paraphrase Rodney King, "Can't we all just get a long, long, really long far distance away from this joker?" Imagine if you lived in the county that elected him. Keep in mind this particular meeting was televised, so we all may very well have elected idiots running the show, we just don't get to hear everything.

Sorry about that, I lost sight of reality for a moment. "Elected idiots" is redundant.

And ignorance is color blind.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Raiders Of The Lost Bank

2008-07-16T13:19:00.024-07:00

Depositors waiting to get their money from IndyMac

Cue the John Williams music: dah da da da duh da da....

So many panicked people, so little cash. In the adventures of IndyMac Jones, the real search is happening in darkened vaults and safe deposit boxes. Of course, if you have less than $100,000 in their bank, you're okay, but any amount over that and you could only get fifty cents on the dollar. That's one of the worst rates of return I've ever seen. Who's the FDICkhead who made that rule?

I thought insured meant insured. Ah well, another lesson learned. To all the folks making a run on IndyMac, go home. You are not helping things. Your money is, for the most part, okay, and you're kinda freaking the rest of us out.

Also, you confused souls who lined up outside Bernie Mac's house need to leave too. He doesn't have your money, and I don't think he's federally insured anyway. Sheesh! You people. Lose some bucks and you just go crazy. If it makes you feel better, you folks who spent the weekend at Bernie's aren't half as screwed up as the crowd that descended on McDonald's demanding their money.

Repeat after me: IndyMac...Indy!

Coming soon, IndyMac Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Numbskulls

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

A Kirsch Upon You

2008-07-14T18:25:00.014-07:00

Everyone's favorite student scammer is newsworthy again. She entered a guilty plea in Philly today, and when she's sentenced in October,she'll most likely get 6 years. Jocelyn, Jocelyn. There was a possibility of a less severe sentence if she'd behaved herself, but little Miss I Want It Now couldn't stop the fraud. Prosecutors contend she was stealing identities while working at a Starbucks in CA and living with her mother.

"That'll be $4.55 please. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Excuse me miss, could I have my card back please?"

"Next!"

"Miss? Miss?"

Any day now, I expect to hear Howard Schultz has put out a hit on her. I mean, ripping off your neighbors and friends is one thing, but stealing from Starbucks customers! Does she have any idea what that'd do to their image? I hope the staff counted the coffee cards when she left.

This girl is incurable. She doesn't even stop while she's waiting to plead her case. I referred to Kirsch and her boyfriend Ed Anderton as losers before, and they are, but Jocelyn is just dumb. How is it possible to think up all those creative ways to rip people off and yet not have enough sense to act contrite when you're caught and promise to do everything right from then on?

Maybe since daddy's a plastic surgeon, Jo figures he can turn her into an honest celeb like Ashlee Simpson and she can hide where the law won't find her. Good luck with that one. Counted the paparazzi around Ash lately? How about disguising yourself as her unborn child? Nobody would ever find you there Jocelyn, and it'd give you a fresh start. It would be easy, because emotionally you're an infant anyway.

Here's a better idea: try disguising yourself as a human being. I guarantee not even your best friends(?)will ever recognize you.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Sockopath

2008-07-13T13:10:00.057-07:00

James Dowdy of Illinois likes to break into homes and steal women's socks. Really. This kind of behavior is not only socially unacceptable, but he could end up getting shot by a homeowner. Think about it: would you like to die for swiping socks?

This guy has been jailed at least a couple times for the same thing and he is a registered socks offender; among other things,neighbors must be notified when he moves in, and he cannot reside within 200 feet of a shoe store. I have read about some truly odd fetishes before, but this is a new one to me. Maybe an addiction to sock puppets would be as bad, but that usually doesn't involve breaking and entering.

The news article mentions Belleville, IL police Captain Don Sax, who's getting pretty fed up with Dowdy's antics, so of course that makes Dowdy a sax offender as well. I couldn't make this stuff up. It's as though this whole thing fell out of the comedy Twilight Zone. Dowdy has not sought treatment, which I find a bit odd. Wouldn't you think the guy would want help? This probably makes for some interesting date conversation too.

"What do you do?"

"Oh, I work in retail."

"Oh. Do you have any hobbies?"

"Well, I like to break into houses and steal women's socks. Is that a problem?"

Wonder if it's as much a kick for him to steal the socks from a date's dresser or if he needs the thrill of stocking...um, stalking his victims. Think about how many innocent clothes dryers have been wrongfully accused of eating socks over the years when it was really this joker.

When he does get treatment, the therapist will undoubtedly write a book to cash in, but it'll never sell. Too many footnotes.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

ChEPAning Life

2008-07-11T17:01:00.047-07:00

Worth It? Well. Scarlett is anyway!

Here's some news for you folks who covet a bigger role for government in our lives:

The ”value of a statistical life“ is $6.9 million in today's dollars, the Environmental Protection Agency reckoned in May — a drop of nearly $1 million from five years ago .

By Seth Borenstein
Associated Press

Nice to know how much at least one bureaucratic agency figures we're worth. This amount is used by the EPA to calculate how many lives would have to be saved before it became cost-effective to adopt a new regulation or two. Put another way, if some new reg is going to cost 18 billion, and just 1,200 lives might be saved, then it's not worth it to the government. And what the hell? Isn't it enough we're aging, now we've gotta depreciate too?

Can we apply the same logic to deciding how much fuel to put in Air Force One? How about the rent on all the capitol buildings in DC? I don't know when it became all right to put a price tag on people, but I feel so used right now. I also want to know if I can borrow against my value? I could use a couple million.

What happens when someone dies? Does their net worth get factored back into the calculation? Or does some politician get a slice? I suppose we can feel good that we're worth as much as a celebrity. Oh, wait...I forgot their salaries. Well, we're getting closer anyway. Now I think of it, why not add the movie stars' earnings into the equation along with EPA dollars and save a few more lives from death by pollution? Although we could do that by just avoiding some of their movies.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

For Guinness Sake!

2008-07-10T18:05:00.006-07:00

It's great to have goals. This guy

(Associated Press)Jim Purol took a seat at the Rose Bowl, and then another, and then another, until he broke a world record.

The Anaheim man set a Guinness World Record on Wednesday for "Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats.

seems to have a lot of time on his ass. I'm guessing you can become famous for just about anything if you apply yourself or your heinie diligently and contact Guinness. The world records book was started by the famous Guinness beer company, so I suppose you could do a combo platter and earn recognition from Guinness for downing the most Guinness in one sitting. That'd have to include time to give the beer back, naturally. Hmmm..wonder if there's a record for that? And what kind of person would want to set it? Don't recall seeing an entry for "Longest continuous pee stream" in the books yet, but it's only a matter of time. Woops...here 'tis:

The longest pee delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

Found that on WikiAnswers, although it's certainly not an official record; the police arrested the peepeetrator instead of calling Guinness.

With the abundance of reality tv shows like Jackass and Fear Factor, there appears to be a huge number of creative ways to achieve notoriety, embarrassment or incarceration. At least Seat Man's stunt doesn't look dangerous, and that's a refreshing change. Since he's broken the record already, and the rest of his work is just gravy, I wonder how long he'll remain top-seated? Who'll be the next contender?

Oh, and don't bother to go for the gusto; Guinness eliminated all alcohol themed records from their books beginning in 1991. But I bet a lot of you are going for the unofficial title. I hear someone's offering $500 and a new liver donated by the runner-up.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Cookie MADDness

2008-07-09T23:12:00.027-07:00

*UPDATE* "Apparently the police lab tests were erroneous,and the cookies contained no illicit substances. Disappointing....I was gonna ask the kid for his recipe."-HumorSmith

So this 18-year old Texan doing court-ordered community service for Mothers Against Drunk Driving delivered LSD cookies to several police stations. What was his plan? The thought of stoned cops patrolling the streets scares me silly, even more than stoned criminals, which we can't do anything about. But we can prevent drugged cops for cryin' out loud. Just hustle them into doughnut treatment centers, fast.

I can see the police reports now. "I observed 7 foot tall male suspect with purple ears and yellow spots holding up a liquor store. He had the store approximately five feet off the ground when I pulled my piece....haha, I said 'pulled my piece'..haha...wow, man...ummm...got any Doritos?"

Fortunately the officers caught on and arrested the jerk. Did he actually think he'd get away with this? I mean, come on, after the first two dozen cookies, they're gonna know, especially when Officer O'Doole starts raving about the beautiful multi colored acoustic ceiling tiles. How can a kid this young be flashing back to the '60's and all that peace and love goin' on because most of us were too stoned to cause a hassle, man? Matter of fact, we were too messed up to get much love, either. I knew at least one dude on the commune whose goats never did come back after one of our parties in '66. We were pretty peaceful, however.

Maybe the law had been especially hard on this cookie pusher, and he was out for revenge. He didn't get MADD, he got even. As for me, well, every weekend I smoke a couple Acid cigars. No cookies, though.

"Imbedded advertisement. Shameless, no?
At the very least I'm hoping for
a free box of Kuba Kuba."-HumorSmith

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Gone Bust!

2008-07-07T19:28:00.037-07:00

"First time I've ever prayed for crop failure!
All together now, 'Lettuce pray.' "-HumorSmith

58 posts into this, and my most viewed article? "Opportunity Knockers", about Florida bikini boat hostess and teacher Tiffany Shepherd. Last week in a fit of pique, I took down the photo of her sans bikini top, because even though she was lying on her stomach, and not much was showing, that photo was accessed by every horny bastard with a computer. Did anyone read the words accompanying the image? Nah, there was a possibility of tits, so of course every man's attention span shrank to the size of a pinhead, and the pages may as well have been blank.

In fact, all of the hits I got for Tiffany were only visits to the photo. *sigh* And people wonder why I'm bitter? Now the picture's gone from the article, my hits counter is pretty inactive, but that's okay. I much prefer visitors interested in a laugh rather than titillation. Yep, I chose that word on purpose.

My fit of pique was short-lived but effective, and now people will have to get their pique-a-boob pictures somewhere else. Don't misunderstand, I will more than likely have pictures showing cleavage, or bikini clad women, or other beautiful images in future, but I will not delve into the nudity trough again. There are plenty of sites for that. I want visitors to laugh, think, react, chortle, see things differently. Ah hell, I'm happy with a grin and a nod. Breasts have their place, (I've been single for 2 years, they haven't moved, have they?), but I don't want them to be my blog's focus. People who know me are going to cry "hypocrite!", and I don't blame them, but this is my blog, my creation, my art and craftiness, and I don't want my audience, (both of you), to be distracted by...distractions.

Good to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading, and I will always strive to keep you abreast of world events. The beauty part is, this entertainment won't cost you so much as a nipple. Hopefully, one day, you will look back fondly at my musings and say "Thanks for the mammaries!" Sorry about that, it was hard to know where to stop.I'm getting pretty thirsty, so I'm off now to locate those jugs of milk I bought last night. Ta tas for now.

The Green Party Candidate
& The Horse He Rode In On

"No wonder the economy
is a bit pokey."-HumorSmith

©Prema Toy Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Face Value

2008-07-05T15:03:00.040-07:00

"Give 'em Hell, Harry!"-Samuel Gallu

"I never did give anybody hell.I just
told the truth and they thought it was hell."-Harry S. Truman

"Maybe you should've played dirty, Harry."-HumorSmith

An article in today's paper says looks are an important factor when it comes to who gets elected in America. Don't know if I believe that wholeheartedly. If appearance was a real big consideration, then we'd be choosing between these two,

and getting all the info we need to make an informed decision from here
instead of hard news sources, you know, the ones that make you think about things like the candidates' stand on Iraq, the economy, unemployment, immigration and other issues we hardly notice, because, well, Iron Man is a great movie, and there's some cool things to watch on tv, and what are you reading this summer? Oh sure, we're pretty fed up with gas prices, but no politician seems to have a good answer for that one, so have you heard the new Coldplay cd?

The story goes on to say we like faces that show strength and leadership, warmth and compassion, and a steely glint in the eyes doesn't hurt, either. In other words, nobody will get elected this year. That's the trouble with studies and reports like this; they overanalyze the sitch. It shouldn't be this hard, especially if you keep in mind no matter the winner, nothing will really change. That's one reason we have so much to distract us. It keeps our attention away from things that would scare the hell out of us.

It's like being in an airplane. You're pretty sure you know where you're going, but you don't get to see the view through the windshield, just everything zipping past you. Whatever's about to happen is unknown, and the events that have already occurred are quickly behind you. All you can do is strap in and hold on.

I think since America needs a straight talking, straight shooting, strong, charismatic and forceful, decisive leader, then the choice is obvious.

Copyright © 1971Warner Bros Inc. and The Malpaso Company

"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six missiles or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I've kinda lost track myself. But bein' this is the United States of America, the most powerful nation in the world, and would blow your country clean off the map, you've got to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

He Said She Said

2008-07-04T02:34:00.008-07:00

Neighbors complained about the noise a couple was making fighting with each other. It was loud, it was disturbing, and it sounded like it was about to become violent, so they called the law. When Phoenix officers responded, they found a man and...well, that's all, actually. A man. Yelling in a falsetto and his normal voice. Playing both sides against each other. One guy. I suppose this was the next logical step in relationships. We've got hetero couples, gay couples, and now, single couples.

I know it's tough to find the one, I know it's a struggle to make two equal harmony, but this seems a bit extreme. I think this guy just gave up on finding someone to love him as much as he did, so this is the result. I call it lazy. Sure, there are times in the heat of battle when we are beside ourselves, but this fella (?) took it literally.

The more I thought about it, the more sort of twisted sense it made. I mean, he certainly wasn't going to get nagged constantly about the housework. I'm pretty certain that was equally shared. Who would cook? Obviously, s/he would. Laundry...same answer. Sex? What the hell, most guys are in love with their hand anyway, so this doesn't seem like much of a leap. How could s/he ever not be in the mood? The age old question, "Does this make my ass look fat?", is no longer a trap. The answer is, "Well, half of it anyway."

Matter of fact, the only drawback I can see is if in the midst of a heated discussion he tells her to go screw herself. That's one image I definitely don't need, thanks very much.

As for buying clothes, there's only one answer. The annual 1/2 off sale. Physical fitness may be tricky, though. If s/he enters a marathon, I figure instant disqualificaion would ensue. After all, it's a marathon, not a drag race.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Are We There Yet?

2008-06-30T17:15:00.010-07:00

"Guess I was Bourne under a bad sign."-Matt Damon

"Saw a sign in the park the other day. It was in a neighborhood plagued by taggers. Said 'Keep Off The Sign'. Oddly, all the grass was trampled down."-HumorSmith

The city of Columbia, SC hired an out of state company to put up some signs in town. Good idea, huh? It was all going pretty well until someone noticed some signs were pointing motorists away from the intended destination. Not being especially psychic, I've never seen bad signs so clearly before.

I'm sure the company was hired because theirs was the lowest submitted bid, and I applaud the city fathers for trying to save money. However, it ended up a lot like many other things our elected officials get involved in. At least it probably didn't cost billions, and I doubt the errant sign posters will get a trip to a nice resort, (see previous post), but still...wouldn't you think somebody would've paid attention?

It's especially irritating when you consider many people today turn to our state and federal institutions for guidance, and they could end up going the wrong way entirely just because the sign told them that was the right direction. We look to our leaders for help with life, and look what happens.

Let's be honest with ourselves; we love being told what to do and where to go, because that way when it doesn't work out, we don't have to accept responsibility. Sure, that all sounds very neat and simple, but it can lead to problems, even when the answers are in plain sight. One time a few years ago, I was attempting to leave a mall in Seattle and wound up in a group of about a dozen people standing in front of the exit doors, which were not sliding open as they should. God knows how long those folks had been standing there before my arrival, but you should have seen their relieved expressions when I walked to the doors and opened them.Admittedly, that sign helped a bit, but evidently I was the only one whose vision wasn't clouded by the sheer terror of being trapped in a mall. Point is, we need to remember to read all signs with a grain of salt. Some are good, some are bad, but if you take the time to read them, you will be able to decide for yourself if you want to take responsibility for continuing down that path. Unless you're in Columbia, SC of course. Then I would suggest Mapquest and GPS. Let them take the blame.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Caught With Our Guard Down

2008-06-28T14:19:00.015-07:00

The National Guard is reportedly saddled with a $47.5 billion deficit in their equipment accounts, so when it's time for the leaders to assemble for one of their thrice-yearly conferences, you can bet budget restrictions will severely limit the places they'll go. For instance,last week's meeting, called "Guarding Paradise With Culture and Spice" was held here:

This no frills, $240 a night, (at government rates), hotel is on the godforsaken, barren, depressing island of St.Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands.

They also brought their spouses. Hang on, it gets better. This is all being paid for by.....us. The citizens of this great country. I don't know about you, but I would've booked 'em into a Motel 6 in Poughkeepsie and called it good. Or better yet, why not make the pinhead(s) who lost (misplaced?) the $47 billion pay for the trip?

Think about this: what would happen to you and your company if a $47.5 billion shortage was discovered? If you were involved, I'm guessing jail time. If it was the company's fault, bankruptcy. Oh, wait. I forgot about Bear Stearns. No problem, the government would find the money to help, I'm sure. It's a safe bet no one would be rewarded with a trip to the Virgin Islands.

This sort of thing gets tiresome. I keep expecting the folks in charge to use common sense. What the hell is wrong with me? The lesson is clear: if you follow the rules, you get screwed. If you make huge mistakes, you get to do really nice things, and everyone else gets to pay for it. This would seem like a good time to call for more government oversight, but remember it's the government and its agencies that keep pulling this overwoven wool over our eyes. That is the double edged sword of a democratic society; we have a bunch of morally lax reprobates in charge, but we put 'em there. Maybe next time we'll elect some less morally lax reprobates.

This is still the greatest country on earth. There are still millions of terrific people here. It is still possible to accomplish virtually anything you wish. Especially if you are in charge and can play with other people's money. The National Guard vacation/conference probably got planned and approved in an un-Guarded moment or three. Look at it as playing a game of Monopoly where only your opponent gets to buy the expensive property and only they can put up hotels, but they take the funds out of your bank.

I used to hope for a level playing field; now I'd just like a chance to play.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Loan Ranger

2008-06-27T16:18:00.012-07:00

Seems we're on the verge of licensing loan officers in Arizona. Silly me, I thought they were always licensed. If the info I have is correct, currently about 14 states don't require licenses. Hmmm.....they license mortgage brokers. So, why not loan officers??

Might cut back on conversations like this: "Who was that masked man, anyway?"

"I dunno, but he left this silver certificate."

"Hm. Must've been the Loan Ranger!"

Of course, out here in the still pretty wild west, we still have lots of cowboys, so maybe I'm not the only one who thinks the fastest gun shouldn't be writing up our financial contracts. The current lack of fiscal fitness in this country is certainly due to more than one or two issues, but I can't help feeling if lenders were induced to be much more scrupulous, not so many homeowners would've gotten scruped.

Do you really want your lender to be "all hat and no cattle"? Isn't it enough that the economy is ready to buy the farm, do we have to throw in the ranch? I really want the idea of being "licensed to bill" to catch on. So many of these guys stole away into the night or went bankrupt after giving out mortgages that some regulation would've been nice.

The Lone Ranger is a hero. The Loan Ranger is someone who talks a good story but the closest he's been to a hero is at a delicatessen.

Please keep in mind none of the above is meant to tarnish the good reputations of these folks, or this gang either.

"A good humorist always practices CYA."-HumorSmith

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hey, My Career Is Unemployment....

2008-06-22T15:58:00.015-07:00

Rush Hour

Main Street

Or that's how it seems. Less than a month into the new gig and I'm back in Phoenix and unemployed. I just spent 5 weeks in a small town. Not just an everyday, average small town. Nope. A violently, emphatically, rabidly, adamantly small town.

The company was pretty silly and had very little clue they were doing business in the 21st century. As for Tinyville? Yike! One horse town okay; this was a half-horse town, and that one got ridden on the sidewalk, of which there was one. 1 movie theatre showing new releases once a night at least one month after initial release date. 2 pizza places. A Sonic, a McDonald's, and a Dairy Queen. Safeway and Basha's. A laundromat. And that's about it for entertainment. Anything else is 50 miles away down an elk infested road. An elk versus a Mustang? I would lose that one. This place was Mayberry without the charm.

First morning I was there, a (the?) cop followed me into the parking lot to tell me the speed was 35, not 51. I thanked the nice officer, threw him a stale doughnut and he drove away on his moped.

I do not want to slam any religion, but one group in particular has a chokehold on that town, and the policy is very anti-growth, unless you're talking families. Not the warm fuzzy Corleone kind of family, either. The stick up the rectum holier than you and me kind of family. Small towns are fine, but this one was a definite buzzkill. I am glad to be back, but not glad to be looking once again for a job. My life seems to be circular at best, redundant at worst.

I will blog further.....

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Don't Touch That Dial!

2008-05-17T00:28:00.006-07:00

I will be posting sporadically the next few weeks, because I am moving, I will be staying in a motel while training for my new position, and I do not have a laptop. I will most likely be library blogging, but I don't know how often. I apologize for the interruption of this program, and thanks for your patience.

See you soon.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The Wedding Closet

2008-05-15T23:00:00.024-07:00

There's a reason I haven't blogged about being unemployed lately: I'm not anymore. Can you believe it? I finally got a job. No, I won't tell you with whom, because like all crusaders for truth and justice and perversion, I must maintain my secret identity. Suffice to say it's in a real small AZ town and it is retail. Whoa, no more angst! About what shall I blog? How about this?

"No, dammit! I said I'll lead!"

Okay, this is America, and everyone should have equal rights. Fine. So let same-sex couples live together, give them benefits and medical coverage and call it good. What's the flaming(sorry!) need to get married? I lived in sin, (that's a small place just north of Vegas if you're curious), for 24 years and I'm hetero. If it's good enough for hets, why isn't it good enough for gays? Besides, look where gay marriage could lead:

1. Who will pay child support?

2. RKO will sue to keep rights to the movie title, "The Gay Divorcee"

3. They'll remake "Married With Children" as "Married With Adoptees"

4. All homes in the future will feature closets without doors

5. Cher and Bette Midler will never retire

6. "Will and Grace" will get its own cable channel

7. It's Ellen's world, we just live in it

8. Family holiday dinners will be real interesting

9. The wedding gown industry will disappear

10. Who will wear/throw the garter?

11. "YMCA" will replace "The Wedding March"

12. Really confused kids on "Parents' Day"

13. 2 words: "Julie Newmar"

14. No one will wear the pants

15. Who will tell the child about "the birds and the birds"?

16. Two best men

17. On "Two and a Half Men", Jon Cryer's character will finally be outed

Wake up people! Let's put hetero marriage on the endangered species list before it's too late.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hemp Hop

2008-05-14T23:30:00.010-07:00

There aren't any good hanging songs anymore. I just watched "3:10 to Yuma", and in it Ben Wade, (Russell Crowe), sings a song about getting hanged, cheerfully, I might add, and I realized it's been years since I've heard a song like that. Now maybe it's because hanging is not such a popular form of execution anymore, and it's really tough to rhyme "lethal injection" with anything. I don't know what the reason is, but I think it's sad.

The people who wrote such songs were most always the condemned,and that's what makes the lyrics so heartfelt. Nothing gives you focus like imminent death. It does make collecting royalties tough, but it definitely gives your writing punch. In the cowboy era, they wrote songs about damn near anything, so why so skimpy with the "noose" wave music? Maybe hanging songs are unpopular because of the name. How about calling it "Hemp Hop"?

C'mon, you had songs about tumbleweeds, apple pie, John Brown's body(?), and even a bobtail nag. But a dozen or so really strong odes to rope dancing? Neigh! I can't help but feel today's songwriters just aren't living on the edge and their music is getting flabby. Even The Monkees tried to get in the game with "What Am I Doing Hangin' Round?" , but of course the censors wouldn't let them go with the original lyrics. I thought artists were all about the bravery and defying convention, but not lately. If any of you have suggestions on how to turn this situation around and bring back the hanging music, let me know; I'm about at the end of my rope.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Wages Of Sin

2008-05-13T12:10:00.012-07:00

"That reminds me, Joc. We still need to go mountain climbing."

About $50,000 a year if I calculate correctly. At least, that's while Jocelyn and Eddie were free and running around with other people's money. Apparently she is going to accept a plea deal and avoid serious jail time; sentencing guidelines say about 5 years. If that's what she gets, that'll knock her net down to around 20K a year.

Jocelyn is not only a thief, but a serial liar according to those who know her. She loved to pass herself off as Lithuanian. I wonder if their government will sue her for defamation of character? Or maybe she'll just have to worry about people with violet eyes coming after her. This chica is a real piece of work. I'll bet all the men she slept with checked to make sure their equipment was still there afterward.

Suppose she'll have to make restitution? That might be tough if she keeps her job at a California Starbucks; latte mixology doesn't pay all that well. Is there a job market for folks like her? I doubt she'll have much to worry about; for sure there will be movie and book offers. I also heard they're coming up with a tv show for Joc and Ed, about people who don't work but still have rich lifestyles. It's called American Idle.

" Sorry, I've looked in all my dictionaries, but "work for a living" doesn't translate into Lithuanian."

Five years doesn't seem like nearly enough time. These two jackoffs seriously messed up at least 16 people's lives, and show very little remorse. I think they should be unable to get credit cards or open charge accounts or buy anything beyond the basics for about 20 years. That should do for a start. Then how about community service for life, so they can get a feel for what it's like to actually work. The real problem with characters like these is I'm sure they've inspired lots of wannabes who are itching to try it themselves. Nothing sounds sweeter to many folks than getting lots of something for nothing. It's the wave of the future: living somebody else's American dream. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Jocelyn offered to pay back the money with a personal check.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Opportunity Knockers

2008-05-11T12:31:00.024-07:00

Like I keep saying, this is a great country. Just ask poor lil' Tiffany, the former teacher who had to take a job as a bikini hostess for a charter company in Florida because her teacher salary was pitiful. Well, she says the school district fired her when they found out about her other gig, and they say it was because she had 30 unexcused absences.

Not to worry; this being the land of the horny, Tiff will make loads of dollars off her rack. Among many offers, she's considering one from Playboy, reportedly for $25,000 per picture. That's $12,500 per boob! I wish I could make money off my body, but so far the only queries I've had are for donor parts, and I pretty much need every organ I've got right now.

There are so many ways of turning a profit, as opposed to tricks, and this seems like one of the best ones. I am curious though, about Tiffany's statements that she doesn't work topless. What's up with the Internet photo?? She has said it was not taken on the job, but rather when she was enjoying a cruise with friends; however, she claims to have used it in ads to attract potential clients. *Ahem* If you aren't working topless, why advertise wearing half a bikini?

Wow, there's water in this picture too. Good thing she's wearing those flotation devices!

I can only imagine how this has increased Smokin 'Em charters' business, and it certainly has done wonders for Tiffany Shepherd's potential income. One thing for certain: between the side job and the Playboy deal, for Tiffany opportunity knockers twice.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The Dumbass Crown Affair

2008-05-10T18:30:00.024-07:00

The Gin Mills Of Your Mind

At last, a worthwhile use for stolen identities.

Those two solid citizens above, Jocelyn Kirsch and her boyfriend, Edward Anderton, traveled the world on stolen credit cards and identities. Police also found keys to several neighbors' apartments and mailboxes in the couple's apartment, as well as a big ass machine for making ID cards. Wow, now that is true ambition. Enough with this penny ante identity theft jazz, where the felons buy a few appliances and a meal at IHOP. Nah, let's go to Paris.

Jocelyn & Ed getting an eyeful in Paris

It warms my heart to see this kind of drive to succeed. Naked greed? I've always said if you're gonna do something, do it big. Imagine if they'd put this cunning and talent to use in legitimate jobs. They'd probably be heads of major corporations by now, in positions where this sort of behavior is expected. Afterward, when they'd run the company into bankruptcy and stripped employees and investors of all profit, Kirsch and Anderton would have a huge severance package and the ID making machine to fall back on.

That's the trouble with some young folks today. They're always in too big a hurry and they want it all right now. If they'd just wait and spread the greed out over a few years and shell companies and Cayman Island accounts, then no one would ever notice. That's the way big business does things, and it's working so far; we still buy what they're selling.

You bought some very pretty things,Jocelyn. The earrings aren't bad either.

I think these guys saw "The Thomas Crown Affair" too many times and just didn't get it. Crown stole from museums and billionaire businessmen and others who were heavily insured and could afford to take the hit. Stealing from the middle class to enrich yourself is beyond pathetic; it smacks of elitism and the worst kind of entitlement. Best to not be a thief at all; but if you must, don't be a bad neighbor and friend as well. Take from rich folks you don't know.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle