Clearly Crystal

Today is the 493820395th day of the rest of my life

2008-07-24T04:50:00.001-07:00

I slept ten whole hours, deeply. I fell asleep at 7:45 last night, which is quite early. Probably because the night before I got two hours of sleep. At the end of yesterday I could barely thread together a cohesive sentence, I was so tired. I did manage to whip up some food, ate it, offered it to others, then Seacrested-Out. I watched one episode of You Are What You Eat and found myself wondering again whether that Gillian nutritionist person has scoliosis. (I hope not; I hope she's just emaciated and hunched over from all the meatless entrees and merciless rants.) I also wanted to watch Flipped Out but realized forlornly that I'd watched all the episodes and then deleted them. The only thing more I can do at this point is move in with Jeff Lewis somehow, like into one of his fabulous properties. I love him and totally get him on a spiritual level.

I woke up in a haze. I'm wearing the robe from Canoe Bay and no shoes. But then, who wears robes with shoes? I ought to get a pedicure, I can tell you that. I thought I'd let you know, too, that I'd be gone all day and probably not commenting on anybody's blogs because I have shite to do. I'm a busy person with a busy schedule...today.

p.s.: did anyone else notice that someone commented to my vid yesterday and mentioned I'm Gillian Anderson's twin? It's like you think I prevaricate.

omg cheer! cheer for everybody!

2008-07-22T19:12:00.001-07:00

On the verge of stuffing things into my mouth at breakneck speed (and other worries)

2008-07-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

What can I eat today? As in, all day? I can't let myself get too hungry because then I'll make an entire pot of kettle popcorn and eat it with butter and cheese until I get sick. Not what I'm going for.

I've been doing great as a quasi vegetarian, by the way. Quasi means "vegetarian for the most part", except on Sundays when we put the robogrill to good use and make some kind of chicken breast dish. Because I use breasts and not thighs it's pretty damned vegetarian. The rest of the time, however, there's been a lot of hummus and flatbreads or pita, piled high with cucumbers and tomatoes. And tzatziki. And more hummus. All the recipes are on my food blog, and I swear, they're not there unless they rule.

But that doesn't help me today, and so back to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tiring of the hummus, in fact I'm a ridiculous creature of habit when it comes to food. I can eat the same thing every day as long as it's satisfying. But I'm out of hummus today, and that's the problem. It's what I'll eat between here and Whole Foods where I have to buy tahini and lemons that has me worried. I have to stop off at the coffee shop where they have these awesome lemon poppyseed cakebread things and I might want to eat those. Probably about four thousand calories to just one piece. That repulses me while I write this, but it will seem like much-needed sustenance when I am confronted with it. I have to leave soon. I have to see the cakebread.

For what it's worth, last night for dinner we had wild rice salad (also on my food blog, plz keep up) and honestly, I wanted to pee myself it was so good. Being a vegetarian is kind of fun, especially now that I get to lord it over people. I'm not a vegan however, which is pure absurdity, just a possibly functional for-the-most-part tree hugger, which means in a lot of ways I'm probably light years better than you. This is my whole point, ppl.

(yes, i cheated and changed the time stamp on this, all so i didn't have to load my own page and see the freaked out screen shot below. it's not vain, how dare you.)

Best Screen Shot Ever (followed by awesome vid featuring me)

2008-07-22T12:29:00.001-07:00

Really, Keller?

2008-07-21T06:17:00.001-07:00

So what you're saying then is that Moose doesn't look like this whacked out flying fairy creature from Neverending Story, only black?

Because I'm going to have to disagree.

Why so serious?

2008-07-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

I saw The Dark Knight on Saturday. Heath freaked me out a little bit. Christian Bale is also really striking looking, just fyi. Chicago looked glorious, as usual; the skyline at night was particularly pretty. Sometimes I feel quite proud of my city.

I hate when people write posts about weather. As if anybody lives in the same place as they do, or as if anybody actually cares, or as if it's as riveting as say, The Drudge Report. It's not. It's not as riveting. Having said that, it's bloody humid here today. We're having storms all day; the kind with cracking lightning and sheets of rain. It's been a weird summer in the Midwest. I have gardens though and they are loving it. I bet you didn't know I was an Earth Mother. I am. I grow things in the land and I harvest them with other people's hands. While I watch, having cocktails. An exalted position.

Last thing: my car is passe. I don't know what to do about this anymore; I'm on the verge of capitulating to the banality of it all. I feel honestly that I should be riding around in style, maybe even with an armed guard. But I'm not. I'm in this Mustang, and it's dusty. Nobody cleans it for me or anything. I have to pay for my own gas, and it's a lot. It's like there's inequity everywhere I look; this world is crazy. Most days I don't cry.

Most days I'm an example to people.

Diction Police Representative

2008-07-20T10:41:00.001-07:00

Ok, the following is a video from the guy who corrected my diction on YouTube. He's attempting to engage me in debate at this time about how pretentious I am, which is you know, better I guess than calling me a crack whore. Anyway, after blocking him on YouTube I actually looked into who he was, and that's how I came across this video. I have to say, excepting his blackface obsession and hard-to-miss coarseness, he's kind of funny. But also angry. Clearly he needs meditation and maybe to read a good spiritual primer. And to put down the guns.

But yeah, a little funny.

Discuss.

Wine

2008-07-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

In other news, last night I finally tucked into that $75 Cakebread Cabernet Sauvignon. I'd intended to do it numerous times before but always backed out because of the price tag. Last night, however, throwing caution to the wind, I drank two whole glasses, and can I just say? It was worth that $75. Seriously. It's a nice bottle to give as a gift (I think mine was a 2005, although I hear the 2004 is also quite good), or to have on your own with a friend, for example whilst eating cheese or even pizza. Which is how we ultimately cracked open the bottle. Over pizza. Pizza which I don't even like to eat. It was just time -- time for the bottle.

I woke up feeling a little yucky, truth be told. As I discussed somewhere else, liquor is apparently being phased out of my life at this time. Trying not to be bitter. Still, at least I had last night -- and I'll always have Cakebread.

Recommended to all my wine-o friends ... I think there are three of you.

Singular

2008-07-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, in a context I won't go into here, I was told that mine was a singular path. At first the person actually said lonely, and the idea stung so badly I actually started to cry. She corrected herself, however, saying it wasn't lonely necessarily, but rather singular. She needn't have bothered correcting herself. The reason I responded emotionally was because on many levels she's right and I knew it. When I am weak, I suppose I feel lonely. Most of the times, however, I just feel still. This is growth.

There was a time not too long ago when I was quite the social butterfly. Constantly doing something after work, constantly going out every weekend. It was comfortable knowing I could talk to a variety of people at any time of the day about any kind of thing. It felt like connection. It felt like popularity. Yet I wasn't connected; I was living superficially. People were an able substitute for other work I was choosing not to do. Perhaps I didn't know I needed to do it.

No judgment.

I was a member of many churches; lots of my friends came out of those places. When I finally became spiritual enough to leave church, I lost those friends. I gained others. I lost some of them too, over time. I find I am constantly gaining and losing friends, and for the most part it doesn't hurt me anymore. I think this is the natural flow of life. I think if we chase relationships we are acting out of an unhealthy idea of what our life ought to be. It comes from an inability to sit alone with the self, and to know ourselves more completely. I really believe this.

I want life to be exactly as it ought to be for me, now. I want no friction internally, no tension because I do not see this or that in my environment. This is called "practicing presence", I suppose, which also sounds faddish, but it's a very real idea to me. It's Being Here Now, in whatever form Now may take, and being happy in the moment because I am happy with me. Solitary as I am.

Loneliness is simply the state of being alone without gratitude. These days I am grateful when there is quiet. I am also grateful when there is laughter in the house. I still have unhealthy attachments to certain people, but life isn't interesting unless there is work to do, right?

hi.

2008-07-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

thinking about:

Ethan. Hoping he's all right, because he didn't deserve that.
Amy. Thankful we're so similar, that she's so wonderful.
Death Cab For Cutie. I want to be the girl in the video.
Renee and her wedding ceremony. You're a Lemurian priestess.
Lisa. I'm praying for you. Crap hand, but you're held in the light.
My tomatoes. Almost ready, sauce -- almost ready.
Rain. It's raining a lot. Seems fitting, since this day kind of sucks.

Good

2008-07-19T07:13:00.001-07:00

Life is rarely what you plan it to be. As it turns out it's usually less by half, and then we shove a stick in it and mix it all up, rendering life virtually unrecognizable. Whose life is this? How did this life happen? And then we begin adding things to life, stuff we never thought we'd ever like, or do, or expect, and we start making life even more weird and interesting than it was before, when we couldn't even recognize it. None of it makes sense; you've got what you got when you got it, and then you go and get the next thing.

My life's not perfect, see, and I'm certainly not perfect, but I guess I like what I've got, because honestly, what else is there but that? I'm good. Are you good?

I hope you're all good.

And it was all yellow

2008-07-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

So my husband was offered box seats to Coldplay next week and wanted to know if I'd like to go. I turned them down.

First of all, although I've had a love affair with Coldplay of long standing, I've already seen them. In a box. And I was bored. Second of all and most importantly, I think I'm over concerts, generally. They're just such a production. First you have to drive all the way to the concert-place, trying to angle your way through nine million cars and into a good enough stall so you don't have to walk ten miles to the stadium. Then after that you have to mill about with endless concert-type people, many of whom at a Coldplay concert are either wearing glossy European driving shoes or else those square black spectacles that make them appear cultured and academic. And they're all drunk. And American.

At present only two or three concerts would probably get me out of my house. First, Madonna, because duh, she's awesome. I asked Mike to get me and the Lee tickets to see her this year (Lee's first and only concert was in fact Madge, and of course she fell asleep after the first song) but he discovered they were $200 a pop for reasonable seats. $200? A pop? She's lovin' the pipe if she thinks I'm going to pay that kind of scratch just to see her -- again.

Second act would be U2, which I've seen many times already, but it's because they're that good. When Bono sings One? Or when The Edge starts the opening refrains of Where The Streets Have No Name? It's like a spiritual experience; it never gets old.

Last would have to be The Stones. I know, I know, these are well-established acts consisting of people barreling toward dirt naps, but believe me, they're hot live. I've seen the Stones multiple times as well, but tell me, how do you pass up the 110 pound Jagger and his geriatric crew? You don't. You can't buy that kind of awesomeness, I'm telling you.

That's it. Three acts. No Clapton (seen him), no Petty (seen him too, though I could be tempted because he is rad live), and certainly none of the younger bands I dig like Kaiser Chiefs or The Bravery. Maybe I'd get my coat on to see The D, but I'd have to have a good vantage point or else eff that noise.

It's just not my scene anymore. I used to be such a concert hound and now I get more jazzed watching The Ghost Whisperer. Times, they are a-changin.

Let's all be better than the internet

2008-07-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Whomever in '08

2008-07-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

I had a friend who used to be rabidly into the Democratic Underground. Recently he wrote to me and mentioned that, as a result of certain life circumstances, he'd been unable to pay as much attention to politics. As it turns out he is infinitely more happy and peaceful because of it. I couldn't be more pleased for him, and not because of his disengagement from a particular political group (I happen to share many of his convictions), but because he's no longer partaking in what I consider to be damaging and useless energy.

I don't partake in political activism of any kind. I find it negative, plain and simple. It's also, in this present era, bordering on hysterical. From where I sit, political activism for the most part consists of a group of thoroughly indignant people either commiserating with each other or else browbeating others for not feeling the same way they do.

I can only control myself. I can cast the one vote I am entitled to and if someone would like to ask me why I cast it that way, I can tell them. Sometimes I might even express myself on issues of import, but only if it's positively framed and coming from a personal perspective. I consider most all other political expression prostelyzation. And prostelyzation, as far as I'm concerned, is distasteful and crude.

And so I keep my mouth shut. I refuse to participate in the suffocating negativism overtaking this country and this world. Too many people with deep political convictions think they are helping the situation by providing illumination or forcing confrontation, when in reality what they are doing is deepening painful divides and spending vital time participating (and growing) negative energy. I don't care to do that.

"I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." -- Mother Theresa

Oh hay

2008-07-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

So I've taken to bicycling again. God help me, because I've already fractured two elbows over the years because of it. I used to think of myself as a "cyclist". You know those obnoxious types; personalities who fancy themselves Lance Armstrong and ride around your town, cutting into your lane, wearing some awful padded spandex shorts with palm tree prints on them. Yes, that was me. And it's exactly what I wore for this morning's ride. My legs hurt. It's 90 degrees. I'm an athlete.

In other news, hello, we got a face lift. I have to give credit where credit is due: the divine Miss Amy D did this template for me, as well as my other template, and my website, too. Yes, we're lesbian lovers and we do everything for each other, how could you tell? But seriously, she's fabulous. She should make all of your templates too, and you should pay her. Just fyi.

edit: Many of the previous comments have gone the way of the white buffalo. Swimmingly, however: so has the Haloscan.

Tony Snow

2008-07-12T09:01:00.001-07:00

I'm sad about Tony Snow. Politics aside, he seemed like a nice person. That guy was too young to die.

Curioser

2008-07-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

When did I start to truly doubt people? When did I begin to see right through them? I mean, I love folks and all, but I have little tolerance for their endless shenanigans. And not certain people -- like specific individuals I could point out right now in bullet-point style and with great personal satisfaction -- but most people. Like even Adam Corolla. Now there is an absurd person; why does he exist? But why do any of us exist? And so as I ponder this, along with my navel, along with Jesse Jackson's castration gesture, I have to wonder where I fit in, and whether my spiritual progress should somehow reduce me down to exasperation toward all people.

Maybe it's not that I'm exasperated so much as I disdain the earthly masks they seem to wear. Masks which allow them to tell others they are better, more right, more awesome, more astute, more politically correct, more beautiful, more whatever. It's all so meaningless. And it's just a way to sell something: themselves. Here, take a quick test drive, I'm awesome, I know everything better than everybody else, I make great homemade bread and money and jokes, and I'll let you have me at this reduced price if you just buy it!

Maybe in revealing (or uncovering) those things about myself which I detest, which are borne of ego and lack of talent or inclination, I also uncover the masks of each and every person, bringing about a state of Me which is antithetical to what I thought it would be. I thought it would be love. I thought it would be joy. Yet here I see how ridiculous everyone is, puffing themselves up and prancing about, and now what? How do I love them? How do I get THERE?

The hardest part lies ahead.

Charity begins on my road

2008-07-11T06:24:00.001-07:00

So my animal medicine card for today is the Mountain Lion. This seems fitting as it's a card of leadership in all areas of life, and in particular the world. Yes, I am here to lead the world in case you haven't noticed yet, Hawking. I have things to say to the world and they're valuable. In fact my very presence among you on this planet confirms God's benevolence to man. I am solitary like the mountain lion too, or like a guru, preferring to walk alone on the road so as to avoid other people getting in my way. That way I don't have to harm them. It's called charity, look it up. And I pray a lot too, mainly for myself, because who else is going to cook me fried chicken?

This entire post is a joke or worse, a prevarication. Please don't worship me. Yet.

Entrails

2008-07-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

So I yelled at a guy at Safeway today. Not a guy who works for Safeway, but this really skinny awful looking middle aged guy who was yelling at two Safeway employees. The older female cashier was laughing a bit with the mentally handicapped bagger guy and apparently this ruffled the customer's feathers. And so he says, "Hey do you think you two can knock off all this talk about snacks and get to work already? I've been standing here ten minutes!" Which he hadn't been, because we entered the line at the same time. He'd been there maybe two minutes. Wow, call the Bee Gees 'cause it's a tragedy.

So my kid was with me. I wrestled with just walking away because she was there, or tearing him a new one just because sometimes I hate people and want to kill them. I decided ultimately that the truth lay somewhere in the middle. And so as we walked out I patted the mentally handicapped boy on the shoulder and said, loud enough so the douchecicle could hear, I'm sorry not all your customers know how to be kind to other people. The guy heard me and said Yeah? You're sorry? Well I'm sorry these people don't know how to do their jobs! To which I said, Wow, do you feel better now, all yelling at the Safeway employees? Make you feel like a big man? Go you! And I walked out. As opposed to removing his entrails with my fingernails, which is what I really wanted to do.

I guess I am left not knowing whether I did the right thing. I'm sure the Dalai Lama would have been at Safeway all with his basket of vegetarian items and just turned the other cheek. So, one thing I learned for sure today is that I'm not the Dalai Lama.

Although, given the length of my hair, I'm pretty close.

Stallone

2008-07-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

I have to go get coffee now. A big one, with extra shots. Yesterday I tried one of those Andes Mint Coffee Coolers and they were rad, but had copious amounts of the white devil. Sugar rots the brain.

And speaking of rotting the brain, I watched that movie, The Devil's Backbone, directed by Guillermo del Toro. It was bleak; about as bleak as Pan's Labyrinth. All in, I cannot recommend it, mainly because the antagonist was just too evil and the tone, too grievous. Personally, I've determined that my energy sensibilities are expanding, to an almost hobbling extent. I can't tolerate too much negative input. This past weekend we watched the new Rambo (in which Stallone in all his steroidal glory prances around forests and wastes despicable Asian people) and afterward I could barely stand up. It's just not worth it. And what's the point? So we can watch truly horrible personalities abuse innocent people until they themselves are righteously gutted with a rusty machete? No thanks.

So, in summation, not only can I not watch The Sopranos, but now I can't even watch most movies. Next all I'll be able to watch is Sponge Bob. Though I hate that fricken sponge and his stupid friend Patrick, too. Wow, I got negative. Back to getting the coffee.

Love

2008-07-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." -- Anais Nin

"If I am not worth the wooing, I am surely not worth the winning." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all of life's hazards, save one -- neglect." -- James D. Bryden

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her." -- Mark Twain

"This is my beloved and this is my friend." -- Song of Solomon

Food is the hope

2008-07-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have the day to myself, which means, basically, that it's shaping up to be a good kind of day.

Not that I don't love spending time with my child; I do. She's delightful. Multi-faceted: able to sneer and eye roll all at once. Such talent. I'm sure you know where she gets it.

Sometimes, though, I like to just hear nothing. As in, no words -- not from people or even television sets. Dogs somewhat blur the lines, as they make noise and at times behave badly, but they don't actually speak words, therefore giving them a leg up over actual humans.

I'm solitary, what can I say. When all you womenfolk were running around America with your martinis and your Sex and the City plans, I was here at home, sitting on the edge of my tub, wondering why I didn't want to see Sex and the City, or even have a martini. Or why I had no friends. Yet the older I get the less I find I actually need human interaction of any kind, making me perhaps an isolationist or an avatar, and at the very least a Libertarian.

I'm ok with all three.

Oh well. I suppose I don't have to point out that it's actually July 4th weekend. Which means people with booze playing with objects that cause fires, usually sitting on lawn chairs or peering into grills. This too is not my scene, but at least there will be food.

Food makes all wrong things right.

Apparently we've sunk to poo

2008-07-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

If it's a boring day and you're looking to be deeply horrified just so you can remember you're alive, I highly recommend BBC America's You Are What You Eat. It truly delivers the goods.

First there is the terrifying display of food consumed weekly by the featured (and extremely unlucky) "obese" guest on the show, which typically amounts to tables full of pie, ale, biscuits, kebabs, soda and much, much more. And then there's the little Hilteresque devil-nutritionist who constantly beats said unfortunate person about the head and neck, apparently just because of their general fattiness in the world. Oh, and lest I forget, in every episode the aforementioned little devil-nutritionist insists on collecting a "poo sample" for analysis from each guest, which, as most of you probably suspect, is really just too must to take. Poo? Are you kidding me? The kind from somebody's ass?

We are crossing important lines.

Nonetheless, the parade of horribles is far too spectacular for me to look away, plus it inspires me to eat my Kashi Good Friends cereal in the morning with rice milk, as opposed to the huge onion bagel with cream cheese I'd really like.

Priorities and the greater good, I suppose.

It goes on and a on and on on and on

2008-06-27T06:35:00.000-07:00

The Russians are coming back today. They'll put in a new slab of granite and hopefully it will look right and be right, because this nonsense is getting to me. The Head Russian called me last night and said, "Christy, you stop pay on check." To which I said, "Yes, yes I did." "Why you stop pay on check? Why you don't tell me first?"

What can I say to that? "Because I want to get my granite, because it's a legal remedy and it would have been stupid to tell you I was doing it, and because I have no confidence at all that you'll finish what you started and that's because by this point I am through with all of you and am trying not to hate ever-body." And still I wanted to apologize for doing the right thing. And apologize for them having cracked the granite in the first place. And apologize and apologize, because I am a wimp and seriously, this is why I need a man.

In any case, we cannot fit the new fixtures until Monday, because the plumbers are busy this weekend, of course. Which means no cooking for me; a travesty. The weekend is the only time I really get to cook in the first place, but I also have to clean if I cook, don't I? And I'm not one to put up with dirty dishes littered around my kitchen or house, so yeah, it's not going to work. Gah.

My home woes, let me show you them

2008-06-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

So we had the granite installed. All throughout the kitchen and bar area. It's nice granite and all, except for, oh:

The huge crack from the sink to the edge. Yeah. Nice. First the garage guys, and now the granite guys. They tried to say it was a fissure. Really? That's a fissure? I think you mean crack, as in -- you're smoking crack if you think that's a fissure.

So now they have to rip it up and put another slab in. Yay for housey drama!

The fence guy is coming Monday afternoon to install the new interior fence. That one's going to go off without a hitch...right?