Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Delayed Interest

2008-08-20T07:47:00.000-04:00

Well, babies, I'm back again, limbs intact and ready to rumble. Well, sort of rumble. Actually, it's more like that "I'm not touching you" game you played in order to torture your siblings or younger cousins.

That's because I'm hard pressed to find anything that I really dislike about A Slight Delay, other than the fact that it reads like a community newsletter. You know, that small magazine you get every quarter, filled with well written articles that are vaguely interesting, yet spends six months on your coffee table because you swear you're going to read that piece on water conservation when you have the time. I mean, the subjects the author writes about aren't boring, per se, just not something that screams "READ ME" to me. Maybe they do to others, but I just can't be arsed to give a rip about writing the perfect copy, figuring out your audience, or a blog review on some architecture group.* Thankfully, the author uses the expanded post option wisely and saves a reader's sanity. Delay is a blogger's blog: technically well written, well thought out posts, and as dry as well done toast.

*full disclosure: my eyes glaze over when reading anything about architecture.

However, it's not all bread crumbs and butter, there were a few posts that I really liked. The obligatory post about telemarketers, an interesting little post about capital punishment that I disagree wholeheartedly with, and this fun little roundup of kitchen mishaps (as a domestic nerd who channels her inner homemaker every weekend, I'm kind of hot for food writing). Those three posts, alone, have saved this basically bone dry blog from my cruel words, so I commend you sir.

The template is a basic WordPress minimalist style that, while pretty boring, suits the writer's minimalist style. It's inoffensive and easy to read, although he may want to look into a drop down menu for the archives at some point.

I give it for clean writing, mercifully rolling up some of the longer posts, writing that has a clear point of view and obviously well thought out, and not completely boring me out of my gourd.

I'm not listening la la la...

2008-08-19T17:43:00.007-04:00

Has Joe the wind-up cynic barman shut the fuck up yet?

This was the most painful review I’ve had to do yet. Worse than the dummy spitting medical student even.

Jesus Joe, we get it, you can write. A lot. Every fucking day you shoot out a gallon of blog jizz like a top notch porn star. Unfortunately it made me groan through obligation to my job like one too.

Cheeky chappy Joseph only started blogging in June, so I decided to start at the beginning and work my way forward. By independence day I had lost the will to live.

Here is the problem for me, you talk too fucking much. You are intelligent, observant, even funny-ish, but you ramble on and on. Every entry is about 3 times longer than it needs to be.

Do you ever read back over anything you write? I bet you don’t. I bet if you did you would end up skipping over 85% of it. Just like I had to.

I admire your enthusiasm for writing, you have a lot of work under your belt, but it’s misguided and bored me to tears, it’s too big, too much, and too dull.

Quality over quantity:
-Too many posts, some are ridiculously inane, worthless and pointless. Honestly, not posting them at all would be better.

-The quality of each post suffers due to you writing so often just to get them ‘out there’, this for example could have been much better if you had real time to work on it but due to the rate you knock them out at, the result was a rushed job and it was dreadful.

-The quality of posts suffer also from the length and unnecessary wordiness of them, edit for the love of God. Re-read them.

I got a good vibe off your tone, I wanted to read you, but just couldn’t. You’re a (fellow) united fan, I wanted to read you, but just couldn’t. You’re an enthusiastic writer, I wanted to read you, but just couldn’t.

On and on and on and on you needily fucking droned like some sugar filled orphan on open day.

Go away, slow down, edit, and come back with less words and more writing.

P.S. Your template is cat shit.

Pigs and Rats Make Me Smile.

2008-08-18T00:01:00.006-04:00

Four lines into Ghost of a Smile, Heather applied the term 'douche bag' to our venerated Olympic Hero, Michael Phelps. I was laughing right off the bat.

Heather is a leftist, hippy, greenie. Her husband who advocates for wind farms, has a great site of his own. His is simple, effective and pleasing to the eye (that's a freebie mini-review, hubster). What a team. I could set up a commune with these folks. We'd live off the grid. Can I tend the rabbits, George?

Her content is great fun, easy to read and entertaining, although she says she doesn't know it. I have to admit that the one post that really hit home was about her purchase of a renaissance dress. In this day of economic crunch, it's a serious indulgence which says, "I am going to play with my baby girl and really get into it." I do this with my little girl. I know, you can't picture she and I in princess dresses, drinking tea, can you? I thought I was strange for doing it, but apparently I'm not.

I like that she's pretty dedicated to posting most every day. There are not weeks of lapses between writings. She's not a lazy blogger, but she usually picks one topic, covers it briefly - and that's it. She's not beating us over the head with every single detail of her day - unlike the vast multitude of twitter-pated mommy bloggers. She left me with more questions than answers in her posts. Those questions sent me into the archives for answers. I liked what I found.

There's very little crap on her page. Nothing glares, blinks or otherwise pisses me off. No counters, badges, or other gizmos. I didn't have to zap her colors. We don't know what the hell her weather is or where her visitors are coming from geographically. It's a clean page. However, she does have a rat on her front page. Are rats clean?

"I'm a hamster not a rat, you idiot,
let me out of here and I'll bite your arm off."

I really like her photos, especially this one. Heather's selected music clips are great and the listener decides whether or not to listen. I hate sites where autoplay music jumps out at me like a VC attack.

One thing that we know is that size matters. Heather keeps her posts fairly short, sometimes almost too short. But she makes a lot out of those words. Not every post is outstanding, but there are a lot of great things right on the front page. Why am I not complaining about too many posts on the front page? Because they are, for the most part, good reads. Keep it up, Heather.

Visit her toplisted links, they are all great and she puts them right up front where we can find them. The Wind in My Vagina, the name alone won me but the banner, content and setup held me. I just love it when one excellent blog leads me to others. It’s like striking gold. Her toplist links open in a new window, which helps keep traffic at home. Smart.

Here are my suggestions:
1. Shorten up your banner a bit. It's humongo-long.

2. I prefer monthly archives to weekly, seeing a month at a time makes it faster to read your work without having to go back and forth repeatedly. Keep it drop down. Move your archive box up in your sidebar.

3. How about adding a drop down category list? I’d love to see what else is out there that I might have missed. Avoid a long listing that mucks up your sidebar.

Heather, I love your site and have subscribed, you get:

Upcoming Reviews

2008-08-17T18:02:00.002-04:00

The Cynic's Bar - "An attempt at humoring the itch to bitch about anything and everything." (sorry for the delay)

The Ghost of a Smile - "My thoughts as ciphered out via my cat like attention span. A few photos, lots of worlds colliding. Very open and honest - nothing to loose." (so says you)

A Slight Delay - "Some bloggers are experts on PHP, Java, cooking, or sex. I'm not an expert on a damned thing, I'm just an opinionated bastard that loves to write. That's it, in a nutshell. You'll figure out the rest easily enough once you start reading."

Love N'These Times - "Love'n These Times is a blog written by a twenty-something female. Thoughts, opinions, poetry, fiction and more are contained within."

I'm Just a Blogger - "Just another random personal blog..just better." (oh, a few of my favorite words)

Wish I Had a River...

2008-08-15T00:01:00.002-04:00

The bitch is back. Long live the bitch.

Sorry, y'all. Do to some unforeseen circumstances (vacations, illness, the fact that Jobber's computer came down with an STD due to promiscuous porn usage), I'm pulling double duty this week. Shit happens. Life goes on.

I started reading today's blogger at the beginning of this week and started working my way back through since then.

I'll be honest: Sometimes reviewing is a huge, onerous chore, and I have to force myself to read a fair amount of a blog. It is tedious and horrible, and almost always, even after I've forced myself to do it, the author isn't happy with the review.

At other times, the assigned blog sucks me in and I am inspired by the reading. And, those days remind me why I still do this Ask thing in spite of being the surliest bitch south of Bedlam.

Flutter has issues. Hoo Lord, does she have issues:

Pills quite nearly took me, as I took them one after the other and dreamed to sleep without waking. My body took over when my mind could not, and purged me of my poison. But my will to die, for a fair number of years seemed to outweigh my will to live.

I carry two scars, they mar my white wrists in thin lines. When I shiver against the elements, goose bumps raise walls around them, but never through. I remember watching my own scarlet vein spill out over my hand. Poising a knife above to surmise if I needed to do it again. I thought of the way my room would smell, like meat gone past its expiration...

I thought of ending my life with a knife, just as he had intended to do.

I can relate, I have my own matched set of bags, all packed and full of assorted paraphernalia from 42 years of fucked up shit. I have my own anxiety attacks and my days of crying for nothing. I have my scars.

But, unlike yesterday's review, Flutter gives me HOPE. She doesn't wallow in the sadness. She, like so many of us, is damaged goods, some by her own hand. But, she is so much more than just damaged and sad. She has taken the pain and she has created something precious from it. She's seen her world destroyed, and rebuilt it herself, from the ground up. And that is a good and affirming message to read. We need those messages, because sometimes, when we least expect it, the windshield of life runs into us at full tilt, and before we know it, we're splattered everywhere, wings broken and tattered. And we need to know that as unlikely as it seems, we can fly again. It takes courage, it takes time, but it can be done. Flutter is doing it.

Her writing is good. I mean, really good. It's real, it's compelling, it's humorous, it's terrifying. It has to be therapeutic. I read Flutter's posts, and I am reminded WHY people SHOULD blog.

Blogging is at its essence, a beautiful thing. Sorry. I keep using that word, it's late and I'm running out of adjectives. But it is, really, when you think about it. Haven't you ever read someone's blog, and connected with that person, and you feel you KNOW them. And even, on some level, you LOVE THEM. You care about that person, you want the best for them, they inspire you, you want to inspire them. And then you realize: you ARE them. And THEY are YOU, and we are all connected in this big wide world by our shared humanity, our experiences, and even our scars.

At its best, blogging can be a tiny miracle, and god knows, we need more miracles in our heartless, cynical era.

At its worst, blogging succumbs to advertising, and memes, and superficiality, and narcissism. And, that makes me taste throw-up in the back of my throat.

But, at its best, it's gorgeous. TRANSCENDENT. There. There's the perfect adjective.

This is a beautiful, transcendent blog, and it speaks to me. My comments are merely superficial details, and they're all template-related.

Flutter:

1. Change your link colors. They're far too dark for the background of your blog, and make it difficult to see them. Change the link color on your commenters, as well. The dark red simply doesn't work. Go with a lighter shade of red, lighter gray, anything that will make it stand out from the black.

2. Get rid of the huge monstrosity of a blogher ad on your sidebar. NO. DO NOT LIKE. You have a beautiful template, and that ad makes it look totally unbalanced. If you must have ads, push them down at the bottom, in your footer, and put fewer posts per page.

Your sidebar is ruint by the ad.

3. Here are the basics your sidebar needs, in order:

about flutter (which you have). Georgeous pic, can you have a friend help you save it in a different, smaller format so that it takes less time to load?
Best of flutter (6-8 of your favorite posts).
Drop-down archive button so it is easier to go through your posts.
Link to your blogroll (you have this)
subscribe and other stuff.

If you do it in that order, it will be easier for people to navigate around your site. Those things should be ABOVE the ad, not below it.

And that's really all I have to say. Keep writing. Keep healing. Keep inspiring me.

Okay, let's all hug now and sing kumbaya. And smell like patchouli, and stop shaving our legs. Then, we'll have a drum circle....

Ah, shut the fuck up. I'm still the same bitch. But I dig this chick, and her blog.

Cry Me a Fucking River, Will Ya?

2008-08-14T00:01:00.028-04:00

Disclaimer: I freely admit that I am no judge of poetry. My favorite poets are Dr. Seuss and Bilbo Baggins. Therefore, I am not passing judgment on Amber's poetry. Thus ends the disclaimer. Back to the your regularly scheduled ~~bloodletting~~ review:

____________________________________________________________

After receiving this blog assignment, I found myself pondering this question: Why do we blog?

Some Possible Answers:

A. To better ourselves or our fellowman
B. To present news, comedy or address social issues
C. To generate income via ads or porn
D. To find an outlet for the sucking pit of our own self-absorption

If the correct answer is "D", then Gould Mourn is the quicker-picker-upper of them all.

Exhibit A:
An IBM Selectric could pound out a better template.

Meet Amber, serial review seeker and the author of this mournful site. It involves a template which doesn't even try to be interesting. No problem, because even the best template couldn't offset this dismal content. Her photography tries to be cutting edge and just comes off as creepy, for the most part. I did, however, like this photo.

Amber forces us to use a monthly calendar, rather than archives, to dig into her site. Funny, I didn't think that there was anything that I would hate as much as archives which dribble down the sidebar for miles. There you have it. I hate the calendars even more. Random hits on this navigational nightmare brought up gloomy posts, poetry, twenty freaking pages of twitter transcripts and some fairly horrible photos.

Exhibit B:
I twitter, therefore I am...pathetic.

If depression is your thing, then this blog's for you. Now, don't get me wrong, a little depression can be interesting to read about, but this writer kills my interest level by just being a whiny-ass baby about everything.

Exhibit C:
Now, act depressed. That's perfect, hold that look.

Amber, sweetheart, if your life sucks so badly, do something about it. Get off the fucking computer and go play outside. Take some Vitamin D for God's sake. Coming to us for a review will not help your depression, in fact, I'm pretty sure that it will just make it worse. See a doctor. Seriously. Depression is like cancer that eats away at your soul. Get some help.

I think that the premise of us following you through your thirtieth year might be interesting, that is, if your life wasn't one big ass suck. Folks, this is teenage angst in the body of a thirty-year old woman. She's an emo-wannabe, poem-writing crybaby, who just refuses to grow up. She needs to stop pretending that a twenty-year depression is actually a career path to becoming a poet.

I don't want to twitter with you or view your myspace. I don't wanna see your facebook, youtube or click ya' flicka '. I won't be joining the others who mainline your despondency. If I want to get sucked into a depression, I'll just call my bitch of a mother-in-law.

Pull your head out of your navel and get a fucking life. Twitter won't help you crawl out of your problems, but Prozac might.

Here are your ratings:

for the look and feel of your site

&

for dumping some major downers on the Mutha.

This little whine deserves a box of its very own...

2008-08-13T23:59:00.000-04:00

NukeDad writes:

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I have to wait 2 weeks to get reamed because you're on the rag and nobody will help poor little Love Bites do any reviews? You dust through the first 8 posts and render your "expert" opinion based soley on those? Oh, I stand corrected, you actually clicked through to the second page.

Look, Criticism I can take, but hypocrisy I can't. You're bent out of shape because we had 2 weeks to "clean shit up", yet you gloss over the fact that the reason it was 2 weeks is because you couldn't get off of your ass to do it.

It's obvious you would never have liked my blog anyway, which is fine, but do your next submitee a favor and leave whatever personal shit you're dealing with at home. Whatever pissed you off; it wasn't all me.

Thanks for all of the suggestions. Next time maybe you can do an actual review rather than write a manifesto to every guy who ever fucked you over. You are way more objective than this, LB, at least you have been.

Wow. And you think I have issues with menstruation.

Kudos, Nuke Dad. You win my whiner of the century award.

the best writing on the internet

2008-08-13T12:56:00.005-04:00

So says Mr. gingaTao

I don’t like creative writing, and I haven’t rated a poet since Samuel Taylor Coleridge, then again I haven’t read one since so what do I know. Add in the fact this guy is an Aussie who at times claims he has “the best writing on the internet” and we're off to a spanking start.

It’s not your average blog, in fact, it’s not a blog at all, but a collection of creative writings and poems.

Boring stuff first, the template is generally meh, at least it’s white. While I suspect you really couldn’t give a shit, I would suggest you sharpen it a little, dump that trash along the side, no one goes to your site to read the news, and fuck right off with your gingaTao store where I can buy a thong, or credibility, or some other such shit.

Tighten up those categories, structuralism etc, make it accessible for the reader to identify what you’re playing at. Give a newcomer a chance to figure out what you’re doing. That is, if it’s not too uncool for you.

I do find it hard to criticise anything you write because of it’s artistic and therefore subjective nature (although that seems to suggest that other blogs are of less artistic merit… who knows anymore).
Anyway, what you’re getting is my very personal opinion on what you do, while clearly it is something that runs through your veins, it’s not in the form of anything I would normally warm to.

The writing, you write your wee heart out, I love that. I found your best moments to be, surprisingly to me, a few of your short poems. A small boy holding flowers was delightful, to dust was a very good short piece on imagery that could have left you in cliché territory but didn’t, and some things are not ghosts is hushed and vivid.

I didn’t really enjoy your narrative pieces, personally I missed continuity, any real thread. Individually, they were quite good, but not substantial enough to leave me wanting more. Having said that, you did occasionally really hit heights.

Throughout, we read your observation of life around you, your opinion, your condemnation, your approval, but never your heart. You are always at a distance.

Where are your heartaches, your losses, your loves?

The closest you came was a post about your father, which for the life of me I couldn’t find when I returned to get the link.

You take a very clinical view of writing which left me a bit cold:

“my hatred of critics, of genre, of stuffy old grammar grannies, of all the postfacto analysis and name creating, postpostneoclassicism, knows no bounds, the only reason writing exists is to be read, being readable is the only rule”

Where does the emotion come into play?

Without it, you can write twice around the globe and remain dime a dozen.

As talented as you are technically, the only emotion you really stir is indifference.

Nuclear Fucking Holocaust

2008-08-13T11:48:00.004-04:00

Okay, ya'll, I'm seriously starting to worry about Nutjobber. He hasn't been seen on his regular blog in a couple of weeks. Either he's gained legal employment, or he's laying in pieces in someone's freezer. Calamity is on a much-needed vacation with her mama. And, apparently, Bitter Mistress has developed tennis elbow or some such from using her right hand repetively (sure, sweetie, I believe you, it was "data entry" *cough*).

Don't worry, fucking slackers, I'll pick up the pace. I know there are at least two more reviews in the hopper (including a much-deserved ass-reaming from the Mutha to be published tomorrow). So, don't despair. Much dark bitter goodness ahead, in spite of our short-comings.

Today, the victims are from Nuclear Family Warhead, who in spite of a two-week long advance warning, still wasn't able to pull things out of the suck.

Sorry, Dads. Not feeling the vibe. I had a vague hope you would be a gay couple, which might have added interest, or at least provided me with new window treatment ideas, but no. You're both straight. Meh.

Nuclear Family Warhead is written by two stay-at-home dads with waaaayyyy tooo much time on their hands. These guys are so bored that they've resorted to pillaging the dictionary for content. Sorry. Unless the big word is along the lines of cunnilingus or fornication, I'm not into it. I love words and all, but y'all don't even pick INTERESTING words. Efficacious, for god's sake? I consider and reject that word five times a day during writing for my job because it's a big word for the sake of a big word. No one with any sense uses that word. Effective is a far better word for the same context, and it sounds much less like you're a wanker when you say it.

It doesn't improve from there. We've got "Daddy Goes Back to Work." Yeah, been there, done that in 1993. We've got "Whee! It's my 100th Post! Oh, wait! It's only my 97th Post, but why stop just because I can't fucking count?" We've got "Shopping With the Kids." I do this every week at least a couple of times with my kids, do you think it is any less boring just because you both have penises? We've got "dead squirrel." What is it with men and dead shit?

Dudes...you've taken a shitty genre that I despise (mommy-blogging) and you've made it less interesting and more mundane. If you showed penis and moobie shots, maybe that would help. But there is nothing nuclear about this blog. It's boring. It's soulless. It has at least 6 times as many words in each post as are required for the subject. It isn't funny. And your photoshopping is pathetic. This blog may be my new replacement for Lunesta.

Your template isn't horrid, but your content is worse than watching 7 hours of Maury Povitch and eating junk food on a rainy day (actually, that would be preferable to me). It's all filler, no heart.

Either get a life, and start writing about it, or give it the fuck up. This shit makes my life sound like a fucking circus with clowns and popcorn.

I'm happy you waited so graciously for your review, without complaint, but I'm giving you a flaming finger because in spite of having notice that we were coming around your parts, you did nothing to improve.

List of Painful Rending

2008-08-11T09:18:00.003-04:00

Nuclear Family Warhead, which is a blog containing "observations on life and parenting from 2 stay at home Dads."

Flutterby, who writes that her blog is about "working through my shit. Recovering from sexual assault, telling fart jokes, spewing general nonsense and making fun of myself. Every once in awhile I make sense. But not often."

hello, gingaTao! who notes, on his application, that his blog includes "Writing, poetry, some music. Actually in blog directories I usually write, 'the best writing on the internet.'" We shall see.

I am a Dare, who tells us nothing at all. Whee! Surprises!

The Cynic's Bar who tells us his blog is "an attempt at humoring the itch to bitch about anything and everything." Lord knows, the world needs more bitching.

Enjoy.

Instead of reviewing you, I should be doing dishes/mowing the lawn/sweeping the kitchen floor/doing laundry/watching Dexter

2008-08-10T09:47:00.009-04:00

Dear Manager Mom:

You knew I had a weakness for Surenos gang members, didn't you? Did you pick your header image just for me? Truthfully, the Photo Shopping is a little bit blurry. I probably have a picture in the box of gang paraphernalia under my desk that could be edited to be slightly better. But I kind of love your sloppy Photo Shop jobs. They are hilarious. And your kids are just as funny. "I tried salami today and rated it a 2?" Genius.

Okay, so here it goes:

Stuff I love

Almost everything. To be more specific:

1. Sentences like this: "I have never met a run-on sentence I didn't like."

Or this: (As a sidenote, what in holy hell is HEADCHEESE? I thought it was the byproduct of a venereal disease, not something that anybody actually considered EATING).

2. Pictures like this.

3. Gear for love. Also, knowing your limits.

Lesson for others: If the choice is between posting solid (preferably, hilarious) posts less often, or posting crap more often, choose the former.

4. Lists can be funny, but some people should not EVER make lists. And, you know who you are.

5. Mealtimes with your family (which make me feel normal, because they sound EXACTLY like mealtimes with my kids).

Here's what I don't love:

1. The expandable posts that open in an entirely new window. FUCKING HELL. By the end of this review, I had 753 separate windows open, and my computer was yelling obscenities at me.

Stop that. Take out the target="_blank" from your expandable post link and figure out a way to only do expandable post summaries when ABSOLUTELY necessary, not every fucking post. It takes some smarts, but you are a highly trained professional, and I'm sure you can do it.

2. The fact that when I click on a single post, AGAIN WITH THE GODDAMN SEPARATE WINDOWS. NO. Just, NO.

3. The tweetery summary feeds on your sidebar. Stop it. A single, solitary "follow me on twitter" link would suffice, if you must twitter.

4. The badges, button, and shit on the sidebar. Worst of all: Facebook? SERIOUSLY? You need to protect and cherish your anonymity, MM. Especially if you work for a F500 company. Stop with the references to your last name. BAD. This can come back and seriously bite you in the ass.

5. The archive list. Fine right now, but soon you will need a drop-down archive list, and I'd suggest sooner rather than later.

6. Your footer. Ugh. Knock it off.

I love what you're doing here, for the most part, but the expandable posts and separate windows need to go, post haste.

I give you with the promise of more if you clean these little annoyances up.

Love,

Bites

Dear Manager Mom:

2008-08-08T12:05:00.001-04:00

Your review is coming, I promise. But, as a mom, I suspect you will understand when I say that the need to spend my day off with my son has preempted your regularly scheduled review. It will be up this afternoon or evening.

My apologies for keeping you on tenterhooks any longer than required.

Love Bites

Dog Vomit...Bitch Please.

2008-08-07T08:21:00.001-04:00

I'm known for having a strong stomach. I can eat a plate of lasagna while watching an exploratory laparotomy on the surgery channel, I can discus a child's raging case of scabies over lunch, hell, I can even make a poop joke over a vat of fondue. What I cannot look at is animal vomit. I especially cannot look at a picture of what looks to be said dog tasting his vomit. I can't read about it and I certainly cannot look at it. Having said that, I'm trying not to let this post taint (heh, I said taint) my overall view of Petite Gamine, even though she's kind of a mommy blogger.

It's no secret that I don't really like mommy blogs, but I can't help but like this blog, especially the posts about asses, getting discovered as a blogger by her hubby, and finding almost half her underwear collection in the pool drain. I'm down with the creative use of swears and her easy, breezy style of writing. She doesn't pretend to be a high-falutin' writer, try too hard to be funny, or take blogging too seriously, which is how I like my blogs. I doubt I'd become a regular reader, however, because she tends to get a little too Gymboree for me. The template is cute, suits the title, and she's got a rockin' pair of sweater puppets.

I give it for being the breath of fresh air of mommy bloggers, and a for scarring me for life with that dog puke post.

Grind It 'Til It Hurts

2008-08-06T00:00:00.004-04:00

I woke up bright and cheery this Monday morning, birds chirping at my window. I checked my email and received my victim for the week, The Daily Grind. I strolled on over and checked out her blog. The template is great, probably one of the nicest Blogger templates that I have seen. I had high hopes. Well, they say hope is a cruel thing.

Stephanie is an accountant. Her husband is a soldier. She posts about honoring the troops and tells a story of an airline flight where the passengers applaud the troops. I might have thought that cheesy, but I have seen it happen. One of my kids is a soldier, and once when I picked her up at the airport, she was in uniform and people left and right thanked her for serving. I guess people on planes are just thinking more about the whole terrorism thing, than those of us on the ground. Anyway, I give Stephanie credit for using her blog to support the troops.

Content:

Stephanie relentlessly talks about her money like a spoiled cheerleader. She shows photos of her brand-new Beemer (you can see part of it at the top of this review), which her husband just bought her for her birthday. Congratulations, I officially hate you. My husband can't remember to get me a card.

She takes care of her kids, with the help of an au pair. She tells us not to call her stuck up, but it seems like the shoe just might fit in this case. It's always in poor taste to brag about your bank account and possessions. Ditch that attitude.

We need things to keep us humble in life. Stephanie's got a mother that she doesn't quite get on with. That makes the writer more real to me. My mom's in the ground, and I miss her, but we had spectacular fights when she was still breathing. Once she called me a bitch. She was right.

Memes, Tuesday Toot, Wordless Wednesday and Friday Hodge Podge. 'Nuff said? These themes scream, "Give me a topic and I will dribble something out." Too often, in blogs all across the world, that something ends up resembling sphincter-blistering anal leakage, which goes on and on, like dry heaves of the ass. Stephanie, ditch the themes. Lead the pack of mommy bloggers out of the darkness, by coming up with your own ideas. If you must use themes to drum up traffic, write excellent, thought-provoking posts that shine.

Slepping Problems:

Don'tcha think that if you were going to request us to review your blog, you might at least check your spelling? Obviously not.

You're a professional woman, Stephanie. Invest the time it takes to spell properly. Do you ever mention your blog to clients? Can you imagine what they are thinking when they see that you suck at spelling and you're the one handling their money? Use your spell checker, it makes us all smarter. Learn how to use commas, periods and caps. Alternatively, you could just have your au pair type things up for you. She's on the clock, anyway.

The Sidebar from Hell:

You're ruining this gorgeous template with column headers which are intentional misspellings of your title. They are repeated twelve times down the column. It's like some sort of screening test to keep out the dyslexics. Ditch those, they're not working for you.

You have ads, banners, awards, and to cap it off, a category listing that is forfuckingever long with eighty categories holding an average* of 2.2875 posts each. I think that's a record, folks. Pare that shit down.

Roll up your archives and move them up in your sidebar. Banners, awards, move that stuff down. Link your top banner with your blog's web address (www.whalenmom.blogspot.com), this will help keep traffic at your site.

The Grand Finale:

At the bottom of the blog is a self-congratulatory banner, which proclaims:

Isn't that a kicker to the rest of us? She's the pinnacle, the rest of you schmucks can turn in your keyboards and go home.

You get the award for the spelling and grammar mistakes

and for the pundit blog banner and the bragging.

Clean it up, you have some devoted readers who deserve better than what you're giving them. I see good in your blog, but you're doing a great job of keeping it hidden. Come back in a year and see us again. I am sure there are stars in your future. Keep the rad template.

______________________________________
*Yes, I did the math. And I'm not even an accountant.

Wunderkind

2008-08-04T12:11:00.001-04:00

Coming back from a two-week absence to The Tome of Communism is like working as an exterminator and finding the legendary Lord Cockroach, the Moby Dick of bugs, taking up residence in your desk on Monday morning.

White type on a black background, text framed with clipart, Obama, McCain, Hilary? A title so annoying that it makes me wish that titles didn’t exist?

Indeed, it’s days like this when I fucking love being an exterminator.

But wait! Did I see you call somebody a "colossal soggy douchebag"? I’m intrigued. Is that a tongue-in-cheek defense of a pedophile? Not bad. A little bit of photoshop work to send-up Iranian propaganda? Nice. You, Woozie, main poster and, apparently, driving force of the blog...you’re eighteen? And you write like this?

Shit. Despite displaying all the earmarks of a shitty, shitty blog, well, I like these guys, I like what they’re doing. Some of the writing is cringe-worthy, yes, but there are bits of inspired pseudo-lunacy where the delivery is less important than the entertainment-value of what’s being said.

This is one of those blogs that will divide the audience here at Ask, I believe...and by "divide", I mean "everyone will disagree with me and hate on it".

Fuck it - short, stout, and to the point, I like it...this much, anyway:

No apologies - Lord Cockroach has befriended me, and I’ll have to squash a different bug next week.

List of Ignonimity

2008-08-03T21:19:00.002-04:00

Communist Tome

Nuclear Family Warhead

The Daily Grind

Petite Gamine

Manager Mom

Pinching Her Lemons

2008-08-01T00:00:00.018-04:00

Lemonade and Kidneys
Aug. 2008

Lemonade and Kidneys. It's not a new taste treat, thank God. Ruth has polycystic kidney disease, her young son has it, too. She's fighting the disease and raising money for woefully underfunded research. Ruth's blog is conversational. The detailed information about what it's like living with kidney disease is very readable. She doesn't shun proper use of caps or use strange punctuation (remember the guy who used two periods for each sentence?) to make her point.

She's trying to do something good for humanity, but I have some issues with her site. Am I rotten for picking on someone with kidney disease? Well, as a matter of fact, I am a card-carrying bitch. You can ask my husband. He'd probably lie, because I give good head and he doesn't want to endanger his sex life.

Anyway, Ruth covers a lot of ground blogging about polycystic kidney disease, her life, George Clooney, fund raising and cookie sales. I got a flash of what ADD must be like, as I jumped from topic to topic reading her blog. See? Saying anything negative about this lady makes me feel like I just kicked a puppy and it belonged to one of Jerry's kids. Oh well, life's a bitch. Moving on.

I spent HOURS in her archives, with nary a cookie to sustain me. There's some great content there, but quite a bit of it is mind-numbingly long. Ruth, child, you need to get out your scissors and trim your post's length, my love. This tiny snippet got my attention. This one, on weight loss, a subject near and dear to my Fatty McFaterson heart, needs some surgery. You have wonderful content, but it's hidden in laborious posts. Free it from the bonds of literary diarrhea.

Dramatic posts, like this one, grabbed me with both hands. While you've got me, could you rub down and a little to the left? Harder! Oh, that's it. By the way, about that post, I think those fellows were trying to flag you down to hurt you and I am damned glad you didn’t stop. Readers, if you haven't read that post, back up and read it.

Here are some easy fixes that will help your blog:

~ Seven posts on your main page are just too much, especially if you tend to be verbose.

~ Make that donation link at the top stand out better. That seems to be one of your primary areas of focus, but it's visually weak.

~ I don’t like the line of stars between paragraphs to set off different topics. Your choice, but that's my opinion. When the posts are so long that you need chapter dividers, get out the pruning shears.

~ A drop down archive listing would be better than what you currently have.

~ Consider using HTML code that opens your blog links in another window, this eliminates traffic loss from your blog as people visit your suggested sites. Let me know if you need that code. For that matter, import your blog to Wordpress, a much better place to live if you're a blog. You can make links open in a new window automatically.

~ Edit your content. Don't make me spank you. Now this doesn't mean every post has to be five lines or less. Just take out the extraneous stuff and polish up your lemons.

~ Enlivening your template. Your banner/footer is OK. The second line is hard to read on the lemons, but I am a fool for yellow. How about throwing some of that color elsewhere? Hang on here, I mean, without going nuts and making the whole damned thing yellow. Captivate the eye a little more. Patterns, colors and fonts make our visits more enjoyable. Your blog design is, quite frankly, a huge yawn. Although, I have seen worse. Much worse.

I give her because she needs to work on her dismount.

Ruth, punch it up and bring your juicy lemons back for another shot in six months or so. This topic and your own personal battles, are far too important to not let your blog shine.

Thus ends the review ... or does it?

_____________________________________________________________

For those who feel I was way too easy on the Geezer: I took a hard look at this blogger. I didn't cut her the slack that I did the old guy. But my personal opinion is that she fucking rocks for having the energy, devotion and sheer balls, to help others when she, herself, is ill.

Live long, prosper and feel free to bite me if you don't agree.

Sometimes You Just Know

2008-07-31T08:18:00.000-04:00

You know when you're out shopping and you see a handbag or a pair of shoes or a set of super sharp Wustof cooking knives just speak to you and you have to have it? You don't even care to bargain shop or research the purchase, hell, you don't even care if you eat for the next week, you just know you love it and want it RIGHT NOW? Yeah, that's how I feel about Girl G's blog (whom I've cruelly kept waiting on baited breath). I can't really say why it's great other than it is and I didn't even need to dig deep into the archives to find something to like about it. She has great stories about her travels, bittersweet stories about her students, cute stories about spending time with her niece (I think), and shocking stories on being black in America. Even though some of her entries are on the long side (and I find myself skimming a little), I still really, really love this blog (and I rarely really like any blog I've reviewed). She comes across as caring, fun, sweet, and smart without sounding too Pollyanna-ish and seems like your cool friend that moved out to New York without becoming a New Yorker (it's a Midwestern stereotype).

As for the template, well, since it's Wordpress, it looks basically like every other Wordpress blog out there except, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what the fuck that header image is. Seriously, it kind of freaks me the fuck out. I must know what it is because you don't even want to know what my mind is conjuring up right now.

Anyway, I give it because what else is there to say about a truly great blog by someone who really gets it?

Physician, heal thyself

2008-07-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

I must have been a really sadistic bastard in a previous incarnation to have been charged with the reviewing of this mass of singed pubic lice.

Tissues ready?

A just turned 20 year old medical student in India is having such a hard time of it, he feels the need for a ‘special place’, I think it may be due to the trauma of a busted button (which he blames on the tardiness of his 3rd or 4th man servant bloke).

Or, perhaps it’s the sheer degradation of (wait, are you sitting for this?) having to medically examine someone for his qualification, as, ummm, errr, ah yes, - a doctor.

How demeaning.

It’s a manky looking blog, tatty and dated, and this guy’s whining just about gave me liver failure.
His woe-is-fucking me attitude, in combination with his, admittedly remarkable, ability to turn a potentially interesting post about a coming of age, into a master class in inanity, is spread over this blog like snot on a tinker’s sleeve.

You wanted divine inspiration?
I reckon your best bet is to wrap your head in tinfoil, go find your special place, lie down, and wait for a lightening storm.

Seriously? Write more often, give us an idea of who you are, because the couple of posts a month don't help your cause.

Other than that, quit moaning, get doctoring and come back in 30 years when life has really fucked you over, and you have a more pixel worthy gripe than ‘not being alone’.

You are one fairly privileged kid, but I want to shake you until your neck makes funny noises, or until someone who's paid to comes running to your rescue.

One big warty, un-lubricated flaming finger up the anus for you, boy.

You can never have enough hats, gloves, and shoes

2008-07-29T09:11:00.006-04:00

I'm kind of obsessed with What Not to Wear. Clinton Kelly is one of my favorite people ever, and I want him to be my new gay best friend and tell me what to wear and that I look chic. And I want Stacy London to do that whole Cher-like face thing she does and tell me to shut up! because I look so fabulous. Sure, it's an embarrassing fantasy and I'm revealing a deeply insecure and superficial (not to mention girly) side of myself, but we're all friends here (except Driz), so I'm willing to let you all laugh at me. Probably because you have this fantasy, too. Don't lie, Nutjobber. You know you do.

So, when I clicked on over to Fashion Paramedic, I was all prepared for a new fashion guru. I was ready to see dramatic transformations with the help of artful makeup and flat-front pants and layered pieces. Possibly a kitten heel or two. Or at the very least some fashion CPR. I was disappointed, however, because this blog really isn't about reviving wardrobes. It's a total misnomer. Hello, fake out.

But I wasn't disappointed long because what the Paramedic lacks in actual fashion bloggage she makes up for with a breezy, conversational, and entertaining blog.

I might actually like the blog design if it weren't for that whole three-column thing. Otherwise, I like the blue and white, and I don't mind the header too terribly much. There's just way too much going on. Get rid of all the excess crap. Or at the very least dial it down to a two-column blog and put all that crap on a different page. Also, who cares what visitor I am? Why is that at the top of the dang page? Kudos, though, for having some nice organization across the top. You have some broken links, though, like this one and this one. And jesus damn hell, that's a lot of categories. You might consider pruning those.

It's kind of a mommy blog, but the good kind, the kind with a healthy dose of snark. She's ballsy, and funny, delightfully inappropriate, and she has some great stories to tell. I am, though, extremely upset that the one post about shoes contains the word "Payless." I forgive her, though, because her husband has fashion nonsense similar to my fiance's. We all have our crosses to bear. Also, she champions the most worthwhile causes.

I liked this blog, misleading as it was. It's fun, unpretentious, and light. There's not a lot of introspection or inner wounds bared or depths explored, but that's ok. It's good, (mostly) clean, rollicking fun, and I enjoyed the ride. The writing is easy and effortless and (mostly) well-constructed, if not particularly literary or lyrical. I am going to dock you, though, for pay-for-posts, you naughty, naughty paramedic. Just change that particular tag to "sell out."

Chances are I'll read this blog again. If she promises to tell me which porn stars she met.

*My title is stolen from style icon, Patsy Stone, who might need a paramedic to revive her in a pool of her own sick, but never for fashion advice.

Under the Pink

2008-07-28T10:39:00.006-04:00

I must confess that I was prepared to hate you, Formerly Fun. I cannot tell a lie. As soon as I saw the barftastic pepto bismal hues of your blog, I thought, "Oh, fuck me now. I can't do this today. Nothing good ever comes from a pink blog."

But you surprised me, you charming little minx. You totally did.

Your blog design is hideous. The header clashes horribly with the background color. They're both pink, and they remind me of the non-matching hues of my internal organs from a laproscopic surgery I had a few years ago. Your header, in case you've ever wondered, is the color of my kidneys. Your background is the color of my uterus. If that doesn't motivate you to change this template, nothing will.

And you should. You REALLY, REALLY should, because I fucking love your content. I LOVE IT. I would totally have a long weekend with your content, slowly sucking the goodness out of every single morsel, licking it laciviously until there was nothing left on my screen and my tongue was numb and raw.

It's delish. It's the perfect mix of snark and sarcasm and humor, all mixed up and spat out with just enough verbal acuity to make me moan with pleasure. In fact, I think there may be a wet spot on my office chair right now.

Oh, you're gross. Don't get me wrong. But you're gross in all my favorite ways. I'm still searching for a post to hate, but I can't find one.

And so, I say to you: please fix your fucking template. We have links on our FAQ to sites with some pretty, easy to use, templates. Fix the spacing between your posts, so the date of one post doesn't run into the title of another post. While you're figuring out how to update your look, create a tester blog like most of us do, a place to play with cascading style sheets so you don't muck up your main blog. Move your stuff "about you" away from your header and onto a page all of its very own. Roll up your archives into a drop-down button. Just figure this template shit out, because your writing deserves better.

And, keep writing. In particular, as a brazilian customer, I want to hear some funny, juicy, horrifying brazilian stories. I want to know what the person who is ripping my hair from my pudenda and vulva is thinking while she's staring down at my exposed vagina. I want at least one a week, and I know you have them. So, bitch, give them up.

And, then, just keep doing what you're doing, in spite of the annoying anonymous critics. Just keep on being you, because you seriously rawk.

I give you three stars, with the promise of an "I fucking love you" if you fix your ass-ugly template:

List of Damnation

2008-07-28T10:34:00.002-04:00

Formerly Fun

Someone Call the Fashion Paramedic

The Deluded Doctor

Girl G

Lemonade and Kidneys

Mutha's Hot For The Geezer!

2008-07-25T00:01:00.006-04:00

It is my privilege to present to you, The Whinging Geezer, a relatively new blogger. Now, when you look at his blog, the bloggy snobs among you are going to balk at the template. Sure, it's plain and homely, but give him a break - he's a senior citizen for crying out loud! Not only a senior, but one who is tech savvy enough to create this little spot of geriatric love in our nasty, cold blogosphere. View it in Explorer (Gag me with a browser - I'm a Firefox babe.), it looks better over there.

In a web-world of porn, crime, identity theft, child abuse and mommy bloggers, this dude is a breath of fresh air. He gives insight into what it's like to be a freaking gentleman. How long has it been since you have spent some time with a real gentlemen? Probably too long. My grandpa died when I was a kid and he was meaner than cat piss. I can only imagine what he would have blogged, but the Geezer blogs about the ten commandments of happiness (numbers 4 & 10 are hardest for me), being a caring person, having values, respecting others.

I know that there are ladies and gentlemen out there over the age of sixty who are in tune with the internet, but frankly, they are few and far between. It takes a special kind of person to get with the technology and launch himself headfirst into the web. Kudos to you, Big Guy, keep writing.

Geeze-baby, here are my helpful hints for you:

Pick some colors, man. The white makes me think of my Gramma's old Frigidaire, but maybe it's a personal statement. Either way, I can't count it against you, because my own husband once wore five different shades of red out in broad daylight, so I know not all men are great fashion guru's. Here's a hint, ask a gay man or a woman to punch it up for you.
Right below your photo, your "Who is the Geezer" link is off to the right and the line cuts off in Firefox. Try downloading Mozilla Firefox and check your blog in each browser when you make changes. Many internet users are hooked on Firefox because it is just hands down better than Explorer. A lot of sites look great in either Firefox or Explorer, but sometimes there are little things that just don't jive and then your site looks all funky. Best to double-check. I wrote a short story once and it looked great in Firefox, but was riddled with HTLM code errors in Explorer, best to be safe.
Your "Subscribe to the Geezer" button does not link into a subscription. It just loads a new front page.
I typically don't like three pane blogs, but since you have thrown all the ads off to the far right, I can go with it. They're easy to ignore. You're saving for your retirement, so you go ahead and keep raking it in with the ads, with my blessing. Although with your Exxon stock, who needs ads?
I see that you assign categories. Some of your categories are redundant. The How To Spot a Geezer post is assigned as geezer, manners, morals, old guy and old-fashioned. While I agree that it does fit all of those terms, each of those categories has only that one post. Try to pare it down. As time goes by you will fill up the categories, but try to remember that as your blog grows, your category list will grow like a tree and it will be harder and harder to prune it back. Stick to a single term that covers it, you can use more than one word in a category, for example: 'old-fashioned morals and manners'. That way you get descriptive without having people click all over the place only to come back to the same post.
Last, but not least, I like what you write. You tend to copy and paste a lot of stuff from the web and then comment on it. I find that your own words resonate more with me than that other stuff. If you find you are getting more feedback on your own stuff, wean off of importing news. You have it inside you already. Just let it out. Talk about you.

He needs more hits folks, so amble by and take a pick out of the category cloud.

I am proud to be this Geezer's very first subscriber.

what's the capital of israel?

2008-07-23T13:04:00.006-04:00

Our Lirun is a sensitive boy, but he needs a kick up the arse.

East Med Sea Peace is the stutter-inducing title of the blog which uses the tagline…

“WELCOME TO THE EASTERN CUL DE SAC OF THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA.. IN ITS CENTRE LIE ISRAEL AND LEBANON AND AROUND US WE HAVE EGYPT AND THE PALESTINIAN COAST IN THE SOUTH AS WELL AS SYRIA TURKEY AND CYPRUS FURTHER NORTH AND JORDAN HUGGING FROM THE EAST.. MY DREAM IS FOR US TO ALL LIVE IN PEACE..”

Thanks for frightening everyone off, and the geography lesson, but there’s no need. Scrap it, stick it on an ‘About me’ page, and fine tune it. Come to a conclusion, and tell us what the blog is about.

The layout is a simple template, poorly managed.

The navigation is a nightmare, impossible to navigate through posts in order unless you start at the latest and work your way back. This is an unmerciful pain in the hole if you want to check out something from the middle of last December.

Link your post titles for goodness sake, make it possible for me to link to one of them, without having to copy/paste the bloody title into the search box!

Your archive is a long list, and will just get longer, use a dropdown, or the standard blogger hierarchy to tidy it right up.

The ability to get to your blog's start page would also be kind of useful.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I'll say the lack of capitalization and full stops is somewhat intended, but you are a good writer, and you know better than that. That kind of stuff belongs on a t-shirt, not on a well written blog about politics and religion.

Never, ever, ever post entries like this or this. Link to external stories by all means, but at least give us the courtesy of introducing them.

Finally, I can get to the good stuff, content. You have a lovely quiet, whispering and rolling tone, very much in keeping with your belief in peace in the region, and in harmony on earth, and in chimes by your open bedroom window.

Unfortunately, this post sums you up. Lyrical, and soft, just nice, but with no bloody conclusion.

“i must confess that i am really struggling to form a view on this topic.. i have so many thoughts but so few convictions.. “ - Your own words.

All that aside, I really do like your voice. You have written some wonderfully poignant pieces, this being a special one and this opening up a world of a life story that I want to know more about. Touching and beautiful.

In the end, all the irritating things I mentioned about this blog are mostly cosmetic. Do yourself a favour and tidy them up, you’ll reap the benefits, trust me on that.
I wish you’d lose your 'zen' sometimes and roar a little bit, I’m an obvious outsider to the political and religious climate you write about, but overall the writing is thoughtful, always gentle, hushed, and lyrical. At times excellent.

I will be back to finish the archives if you make them accessible. In the meantime, even though they could have been more, stick these on your surf board.