Joanna Claire: Hamlet was an optimist...

Purity Tesr

2009-06-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

Your result for The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test...

28% pure: Decidedly Perverted

You are just 28% sexually pure!

Take The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test at HelloQuizzy

Employee of the Year!

2009-04-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

Sounds kind of weird but I won this award, Employee of te Year from Jewish Vocational Service. There were 1200 people from the business community at a luncheon held at the Jukebox Marriot in San Francisco. Here is my acceptance speech.

When I tell people I work at CW Forensics, they usually think I'm like one of those detectives on CSI, examining dead bodies. Then I tell them the kind of living people I actually work with, and their eyes grow even wider.

You might think that working where I do would be difficult and draining, but the truth is, I love it. Previously I have worked in financial services, investing money for people. Before that I worked in jury trial consulting, helping lawyers in high risk litigation. Never have I had a job that was as satisfying as the one I have now. I feel privileged to work with people who have gone through so much, and are working so hard to improve their lives. Their striving is an inspiration for me. It is gratifying to know that the work I do makes a difference in my clients lives. Because of my work, fewer people are wasting away in jails, prisons, and mental hospitals or panhandling on the streets of San Francisco. I feel honored for my small part of their success.

There are so many people that helped me along the way. I want to thank a few of them today especially my supervisor, Greg, who has given me guidance and the freedom to create my own job. My colleagues in the Supported Employment program; Naomi, Caroline, Autry and Khary. All of you are a dream team! I also want to thank all the Case Managers at CW Forensics for their huge commitment to our clients and our program director, Kathleen, whose tireless efforts keep the lights on. Finally, thank you to Wells Fargo for sponsoring this award and to JVS for supporting me in my job search. I will always be grateful.

Oh my!

2009-03-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

My Goddess! I have a date tonight. The first in over a year and I'm positively thrilled. I've shyed away from men as they seem to treat me badly. Last night I met a bi-girl on okcupid. She wants to take me dancing! Maybe I can change from Ophelia to Titania. one can only hope!

Playing God

2008-10-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

"A man who sets out to make himself up is taking on the Creators role, according to one way of seeing things; he's unnatural, a blasphemer, an abominations of abominations. From another angle you could see pathos in him, heroism in his struggle, in his willingness to risk: not all mutants survive. Or, consider him sociologically: most migrants learn and become disguises. Our own false descriptions to counter the falsehoods invinted about us, concealing for reasons of security our secret selves.

A man who invents himself needs someone to believe in him, to prove he's managed it. Playing God again, you could say. Or you could come down a few notches and think of Tinkerbell; Fairies don't exist if children don't clap their hands. Or you might simply say: it's just like a man."

The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie

read this passage this morning and it seemed to address so many different parts of the transgender experience: the hatred of the religeous right, creating a new identity and the need to pass. It's left me with food for thought and I'm wondering if anyone sees things in it I missed.

Posthumous Coquetry

2008-06-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

When I die, before sealing
my coffin, paint
a bit of rouge on my cheeks,
a bit of black lining around my eyes.

Because in my casket,
as on the evening he confessed,
I want to stay rosy forever,
with kohl blackness around my blue eyes.

Pose me without the sallowness of immortality,
without a pillow embroidered with tears,
on my pillow of lace,
which my tresses inundate.

On wild nights, that pillow
saw our brows together as we slept,
and on the black sheets of our gondola
counted our infinite kisses.

In my pale waxy hands
reunited in prayer,
wind the opal rosary
blessed by the Pope of Rome.

I will unstring it in the bed
from which nothing rises again.
His mouth will place on my mouth
each Pater Noster and each Ave Maria.

Théophile Gautier

The Gloom

2008-06-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

When people think of dieing, they think of something in the final days of their existance. But that's not true. The moment we stop growing, we begin to die. Inperceptibly at first a lost hair, I line at the corner of one's smile. Then it accelerates, faster and faster the aches and pains accumulate. You can't eat this or you can't drink that. Your body just can't handle it anymore, By the time we check into the hospital for that final attempt to stave off the inevitable, death is already a fait accompli. All that's left is to close the eyes that one last time.

The Elevator

2008-05-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last monday I went to see my internist. She’s the doctor that attends to all my medical needs besides specialized liver stuff, the domain of my hepatologist. This was a follow up visit. I have them every 6 months now that I’ve been stable for so long. What we do is look at blood work relating to my overall health and how my hormone therapy is affecting the inside of my body. Everything was good on those fronts, except I’d put on a couple kilograms since November that I need to work on. An abdominal CT later this week and I’m clear for another 6 months.

While I was in the waiting room there was a man who was being kind of inappropriate towards me. It wasn’t that he was ugly, in fact some women might consider him attractive. I would guess his age to be mid to late 30s. What turned me off was his hygiene was a bit rough, like he hadn’t showered in a few days. He also looked like he’d just come from a party at 10:00 in the morning. Maybe hungover or still under the influence.

I was reading a magazine when he entered the room and shouted, “Hello, how you doing?” to me from across the room. I looked up and smiled and went back to my magazine. I caught him leering at me a couple times when I was called into the exam room.

When the doctor and I had finished I went to the reception desk to make a follow up appointment for November. While I was doing that Prince Charming came out from his doctor visit. He was accompanied by an older man that I presumed to be his father. Once again he looked me up and down. I rushed catch an elevator out of there!

In the elevator lobby the two men approached. They were having an animated conversation about where they were going next. When the elevator door opened I stepped in. It was only 5 floors to the bottom and with Dad present Junior couldn’t give me to bad a time. I would be safe. Then he stepped into the car and said to the older man, “wait here. I’ll go get the car. The adrenaline started pumping. Before transition I would not have considered this man a threat even if he were openly hostile to me. Now I was scared.

Dad stopped the door and the continued their discussion. Dad finally decided to join us for the ride down. Relief! When we hit the main floor I let them exit ahead of me. As they went through the front door, Junior looked over his shoulder leered at me and made a kiss toward me. Later that night I shared this story with a (natal) girlfriend of mine. She gave me a knowing smile and said, " Welcome to my world".

Sometimes it Seems Like a Lifetime

2007-09-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Six months since my last entry. Two years since I took those first tentative steps toward transition.

At my last entry I was looking for a job and a new career. I'm pleased to say I've accomplished both of those. Shortly after that post I received a call from UCSF. A mental health clinic run in partnership with The City was starting a vocational rehabilitation program using a Supported Employment model. Would I be interested in being a Life Coach? So began a long hiring process. It's not easy getting hired at the University of California. I had one interview in front of 15 staff members. After I received the offer it took another 6 weeks to do the paperwork. I finally started in July and I'm happy to have found a new direction in my career.

Spring Fever

2007-03-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

Along with a higher pollen count, a woman’s senses are filled with thoughts of love! Well, if not love than at least friendship and sex!

I’ve met a man who looks like he’s the friend with benefits I’ve been looking for. He’s a really nice man. Smart reasonably funny and best of all he treats me like a lady! He gives me the skin on skin cuddling that I crave. I feel safe, sexy and warm when he holds me in his arms. He wants to give me pleasure!

I don’t know how long this will last but I going to savor him while he’s here!

What a Difference a Month Makes

2007-03-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

March came in like a lion for me! All of the things happening to me are good or for the best. I n February my job at the mental health clinic came to ann end. It was sad for me as I had grown to love being there. My last months were quite eventful. I took a stress management course and came out with important new skills. I learned to let go. I learned to accept supervision without hostility. My interactions with my coworkers became much smoother. My program supervisor told me that she sees many clients pass through her program untouched but that I had made profound changes in myself in my quest to return to work.

After my last day I decided to take a little time off before I started to look for work. That lasted about 10 days until I got bored. I decided I wanted to be a peer counselor in the mental health field. The city had discontinued it’s program due to lack of funding so I had to look outside for nonprofit organization. With the help of my employment counselor I soon had applied for 2 great jobs.

One is with the Independent Living Resource Center helping mentally and physically disabled people to access the resources they needed to improve there lives. I’m happy to say that I’ve landed that one! I’ll start a six week training course on March 27.

I had my 2nd interview yesterday for a job as a mental heath consumers advocate with the Mental Health Association. This would be a much higher profile position that includes organizing consumer groups to advocate to various service providers and do some public speaking myself. My interview went well so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’m the best woman for the job!

Since I hate waiting for the phone to ring, I’ll be looking for other prospective employers next week.

2007-01-31T21:33:00.000-08:00

So, here I am 2 months later! Christmas was especially hard on me this past year. I found myself wishing I could drink a magic potion the day after Thanksgiving and no wake up until Jan 2. I did finally get into the spirit of it the week just prior to the day. I found a shopping plan for the people closest to me. Three gifts each each. Something for the head, something for the body and something for the heart. For my daughter I bought a subscription to Mother Jones magazine, a facial care kit from the Body Shop and a silver omega necklace.

New Years eve we got comp tickets to the symphony party that featured Strauss waltzes and Vegas style crooner. Loved the waltz, hated the crooner. My date and I felt like we should be sitting at the kids' table! Most of the revelours were much older than us! It was a good time though. Gave me something to talk about around the water cooler at work!

2007 is proving to be full of big changes. My job is coming to an end on 8 Feb 07. I've begun revising my resume and thinking about what my next brilliant move will be. I'm hoping to land a job as a peer counselor somewhere in the Dept. of Public Health or a non-profit organization. I spent most of my career making money for people that already have lots of money. Somehow I'd like to make a bigger contribution to humanity than that.

My personal life is looking like there will be big changes too. I expect to be living elsewhere soon, either in the Bay Area or maybe Montreal??? I'll soon find out.

Now, for Something Completely Different

2006-11-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

I had the strangest dream last night! I'd been on a tour of the White House, When I passed a sitting room I looked in and there was my cat, Callie, sitting on the couch! I went in to get her.

She decided to play Hide & Seek I was on my knees trying to get her from under the couch. Just then President Bush walked in with another man and sat at a table. The two men ignored me, taking me for a domestic cleaning up. They sat at a table and began to talk while eating their lunch which was Mexican food that miraculously appeared on the table (this is a dream after all). Bush and his companion talked politics while they ate and I continued to look busy and looked for Callie.

Bush went off on a rant about the Democrats. He said, " When a crises happens all they do is talk. They talk to each other then get on the phone and talk to everybody they can think of. They never Do anything, All they do is talk! " I got angry and walked over to the table and said, " Well at least they don't start killing people like Republicans do! ".

Bush looked stunned. He said, " Who are you and how did you get in here? " He seemed to be reaching for an alarm button under the table. I reached into his plate of food, scooped up the beans and rice with my hand and smooshed them into his face! I remember thinking ' You're going to be arrested for this, you know. Assault and battery on the President of the United States! "

The recently smooshed Bush got up and hurried out of the room with beans and rice covering his face, his lunch companion close behind. The cat then jumped on the table and gave me a mocking look and meowed. I said, " You think this is funny? I'm going to jail, you trouble maker! ". I scooped up another handful of beans and rice then smooshed Callie in the face, too!

Bad News

2006-11-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm officially non-op. I saw the Grand Poobah of doctors Tuesday (I have 4). He told me that it would be incredibly dangerous for me to have GRS. I could die or become very ill.

It wasn't unexpected. My health has improved in the last 2 years and I got my hopes up. One doc even told me that I could do an orchi and penectomy if I wanted. Without the vaginoplasty though, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I have a sense of disappointment. I'm going to have to make my way in the world as a chick with a dick. I could seek another opinion but I don't think I'd find another transplant surgeon who thought otherwise. I'm a pre-op liver transplant patient. The stress of the GRS could put me into liver failure and I would need an emergency transplant. If a suitable doner could be found. On top of that my blood doesn't clot.

My doctor didn't forbid me from doing it. He just laid out the risks and made a compelling argument against GRS. Ultimately it's my decision. I'm not ready to die yet so I'll have to live with it.

The truth is I knew it was a possibility but I hoped for improvement that would put me over the top. I didn't improve, in fact I'm a little worse than I was at the last appointment.

It was foolish of me to get my hopes up. On an intellectual level I know that I'm not going to get better. I'm stable and that may continue for some time but I'll never improve. Eventually I'll start to decline and need the TP.

As I write this I'm starting to cry. I feel damn bad about it. No GRS, a premature death and a life filled with disease. I caught HCV when I was 18 yo for Christ's sake. I tried IV drugs a handful of times. 20 years later I'm haemorrhaging in my living room. I never even new I had it!

Health, Meds, Depression

2006-10-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing as much because I've been having medication problems. It started on August 22nd. I'd stopped by my pharmacy to pick up some meds and took the bus home. I bought some new cosmetics, including a new lipstick, which I tried on the bus. When I arrived at my destination I got off the bus with my new colour and left my meds on the seat next to me. I took two steps away when I remembered where I left them and turned to find the bus pulling away with $1200 worth of my prescription drugs on board. My efforts to recover them proved fruitless. It looked like I would have to get by without them. The Celebrex I could live without. Joint inflammation isn't pleasant but it won't kill me either. Prevacid could be replaced with Prilosec OTC and with caution I could make it till refill day without a GI bleed. The real problem was Xifaxan. It controls a condition called hepatic encephalopathy, which CAN kill me. There is an alternative therapy, but it doesn't work nearly as well and you have chronic diarreah and dehydration to contend with as side effects. You could say it sucks!

I thought I could tuff it out for the three weeks before I could get my scrip refilled. I was wrong. The first thing that happens is I can't process incoming information very well and I start to get confused. That leads to frustration and from there I get angry. I started lashing out at those around me and when alone, crying uncontrollably and feeling depressed. I stopped sleeping and became more and more tense and out of control. By 04 Sept., I'd had enough. I called the pharmacy and ordered a 10 day supply for $300, enough to get me through till refill day.

The effect was immediate. I started feeling better but it took till the last week of Sept. for me to return to normal and a couple weeks of Ambien to restore a normal sleep pattern. I've contacted Aetna to see about adding lost prescription coverage to my policy.

BTW I have level C cirrhosis due to chronic hepatitis c. Things were looking pretty grim 4 years ago but I surprised everyone and got better, sort of. I need a liver transplant at some point in the future but I have this time of stability which will probably last for years. Hopefully enough time to accomplish everything important to me.

Returning home

2006-09-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'd like to say I drove up to the apt. with a dear tied to the hood of the car, but I emerged from the forest without a buck. It was probably for the best. All the T-guys I've met tend to be shorter than me by A LOT! Many are gay, too.

So here's what happend. I received no replies from any Female to Male guys. I recieved 2 replies from female genderqueers. They offered words of support and encouragement. They warned me about guys on T and offered their friendship. If either of you see this, thank you very much!

The other replies were from natal men that wanted to go to bed with me! What a surprise! It does you no good to ask for specific . They just ignore you. You ask for smart and educated, the illiterate reply.
And David, the guy that dumped me in July! Wrote to tell me he was getting some Viagra in a week. In the meantime would I like to stop by and do him with a strap-on?
That led to a string of emails where I expressed my anger. He gave up trying eventually. Why is it so hard for some people to say 'I'm sorry. I really fucked up but I'd like to try again.' ?

The Hunt

2006-08-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my long absence. I’ve been on hiatus for a few weeks. Either that or summertime blues had set in. Life has been kind of boring. My boss and I are back on good terms. Gifts of jewelry always work on me! She gave me a blue topaz set in silver necklace with a ring to match as well as silver hoop earrings. I look better in silver than gold but white gold and platinum work for me, too! Rubies over diamonds if anyone cares.

I haven’t had the best of luck dating. The guy I wrote about in July promptly dumped me! I was more angry than hurt to tell the truth. There is a therapist at my office who has a clientele that’s almost exclusively TG. I occasionally do a reality check with her. When I asked her about the TG dating scene she concurred that it really DOES suck. She also mentioned that one of her clients had a huge crush on me. She discouraged him from pursuing me because it could pose a problem with his therapy if I declined or broke-up with him. But it got me thinking....

I placed a personal ad for a transman on craigslist in the Miscellaneous Romance section:

Transwoman seeks Transman - 43
Reply to: pers-192292415@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-09, 9:42PM PDT

I'm a transitioning m2f. I have found the tranny dating scene just sucks! The men you encounter at nightclubs such as Divas come in two flavors: Guys that REALLY want to get in your panties, as in put them on. Second, "straight" guys that want you to top them. They're not gay or bisexual because the person they're having sex with has breasts as well as a penis. "Oh! You don't mind that I'm married do you?".

Enough bitching from me. I'd like to have a straight relationship with a man and I think a transman might be right for me. We have an understanding of each others experience that no g-girl or boy can possibly get. If you're interested in a friend and lover, let's talk.

All part's are original equipment with HRT modification. The hair is my own and I live as a woman full time.

To be continued

Dancing

2006-07-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling much better. Went to the doc's, they couldn't tell me shit, 'leave some blood at the counter and we'll get back to you'.

I discovered that the biggest cause of stress in my life is MUNI. I was relaxed when I left for the MDs but by the time I got there I was back to to my sociopath self. I need to seriously re think this public transportation thing.

I found a way to help me cope last night. Dance. I was listening to some tunes (Divinyls - I Touch Myself) and my head started movin' to the beat. The feel of my hair in motion and my earrings hitting my neck made me smile. I got up and danced by myself to that and 10 other rocky tunes and I felt happy again! I still am this morning.

I'm making my own 20 minute workout to songs I like to do 3 or 4 times a week. I'd also like to go out dancing once a week.

Know any retro clubs? I like 80s and 90s music best.!

The Healing Power of a Man’s Arms.

2006-07-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

I went on a date Thursday night. It was a first date so I didn’t have high expectations for the evening. I met Dave online several weeks ago and had exchanged pics and a few short emails. He seemed nice so I through caution to the wind and met him at a lounge . We had a drink together and talked, He had a charming since of humour and a goofiness that I found quite endearing. He stroked my hand with his as we talked and when he moved in for a kiss I met his lips with mine. After the drink we took a walk in the cool evening air . We paused in a doorway and kissed. The pilot was lit when he put his hand upon my breast but things weren’t going farther that night. He saw me to my train and I rode home wondering if he’d call again.

I went to work as usual on Friday morning. Thursday My boss told me that I was due for a review the next day and I wasn’t expecting anything major. Just the usual you’re doing great here, okay there and could stand some improvement in this area. Boy, was I wrong!

I was told that I sucked in almost all areas of my work performance. I was completely blind sided. I had never felt the impact of hormone therapy as acutely as I did in those moments. It took all my reserves to keep from bursting into tears. Still my eyes welled up and my voice quivered. I quickly regained some composure and reverted to the adversarial and business like tones I’d honed over my long career as a corporate game player.

“You’re being defensive”, the management safety blanket.

“How should I react when someone speaks falsely about me?” I replied.

I like my boss. I had always thought of her as a friend. While very angry I had hope we could resolve our differences. I left work early and went straight home. I was smart to have grabbed some tissues for the ride.

I woke up the computer when I got there and found a message from David waiting. He’d lost my phone number. Would I be interested in watching the sunset over the ocean? Yes!

I live a short distance from the beach so I kicked off the skirt and panty hose, through on jeans and a sweater and In half an hour Dave was leading me by the hand to the edge of the Pacific.

We found a sand dune to sit on. We smiled, laughed, talked and sipped coffee as we watched that big, red ball of fire drown in the coolness of the sea. After the last flicker of the sun’s light had faded the air began to cool quickly. By this time we were kissing deep and long so it seemed only natural to adjourn to his house. Once inside I quickly found myself naked on his bed.

It was as if this man had been making love to me for years. By magic he seemed to know just how and where to touch me. As i looked up at my polished nails against his tanned skin, my legs wrapped around his body I knew that this was exactly where I wanted to be. I felt the woman inside me stretch and coo in satisfaction. In the arms of a man was where I belonged.

Pride 2006

2006-07-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

San Francisco hosts the largest LGBT Pride event in the world. In fact we call it Pride Week because of the parties and events that go on all week reaching a climax on Sunday with the parade. Tens of thousands of tourists pump $100 million into the the City’s economy. I had never before marched in the parade so I decided this was the year to go for it. After all, walking down the middle of Market Street en femme in front of 100,000 people, you can’t get much more out than that!

There are lots of transgender people in the parade but most are of the drag queen variety. I don’t do drag so I had to finagle an invitation out of a more transsexual oriented group, which I did. Thank you, Dawn from TGSF! This was a special year for trans folk as a week prior was the 40th anniversary of the riots at Compton’s Cafeteria, the beginning of the LGBT rights movement in San Francisco. PBS airs an excellent documentary on the event called Screaming Queens!

I arrived shortly after 10:00 at the gathering point near the Embarcadero. It started late as usual and began with the traditional firing up of engines by the beloved Dykes on Bikes. We entered the flow about 11:15. In my rush to get out the door, I left with a Luna bar for breakfast and half a bottle of water. I thought I’d be able to buy food and water there, which I could have had I not forgotten my wallet. ‘No problem’, says I ‘The buildings will block the sun.’ So on with the parade I went. I wasn’t all that happy to be marching along the side of a float with a Beautiful blond, Queen of something or another, 5 feet above me. Not that moi is ever jealous or vain. On I marched down Market, Smiling and waving to the crowd!

I soon discovered that the pavement on Market is hardly pavement at all. It’s ventilation grates for the subway below. Quite a challenge in heels! The shade held out for a few blocks but I soon found myself in direct sunlight on one of the warmer days we get in the City. I started to overheat right away. I was a good girl and took my diuretics that morning and was soon dehydrated and hypoglycaemia followed quickly after. I came to the end and made a b-line for the subway only to find the parade crowed between me and the staircase. Did I mention that I’m mildly agoraphobic ? I was in a complete panic. Everything went wrong at once. I was ready to punch anyone that got in my way (I didn’t)! I made it out of the parade zone and called a friend who met me at the next train station with food and water in hand.

Sometime later sitting in Burgermeister with a glass of iced tea and French fries in hand I thought to myself; What an adventure!

Who Shall I BE?

2006-06-25T08:44:00.001-07:00

Transition is a lot like adolescence but without the zits. That period of separation and individuation we all go through between our first and second decades of life comes again. It includes the raging hormones of the first time, the fear of loss and confusion over my place in the world. What kind of woman do I want to be, anyway?

It seems to move at a more excellerated pace than the first time around and in the last 9 months I've tried on many different hats. I haven't found the right one yet but I've found a few I like to wear on different occasions.

Am I straight, gay or bi? The answer came in the way I responded to a man's touch. I liked it. I liked it A LOT! Would I be able to attract men? Will guys want me? I had sex with a few guys before I realised that finding men for sex was not the problem. Finding the right man to have sex with was. Haven't I heard this before? Like from every woman I know? So I guess I'm not a slut.

I'm marginally involved in the TG activist community. I'm very big on civil rights for all queer people, including marriage. But I'm not an out there in your face kinda girl. I look hideous in rainbow prints so I'm not going too wear them. I'm not into TG arts, either. Art stands or fails on it's own merits regardless of the gender of the artist. I will march in a march and write about topics but I'm really not a screaming queen.

I don't do drag and wear as little make-up as possible. My role models are the women I see every morning on the train, heading for work. The women I work with tend to be earthy, which I'm not, yet I still don't want to stand out like a painted lady. I strive to fit in, not stand out. I'm too large to withstand close scrutiny without being clocked.

Still, I have to say, What a Ride!

Joanna goes to the Gynecologist

2006-06-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

I had my first visit to the gynaecologist on Wednesday. I went after work and showed up early to complete insurance forms and give a medical history. The clinic I went to was very TG friendly and I chatted with several other TGs, including an f2m, while I was waiting. It was a pretty normal doctors visit. They took my vitals, asked me about my medical history and what I wanted to achieve with HRT and my experience as a transwoman. We talked about the risks of HRT and she made sure I understood what I wanted to do. She wrote a prescription for 4 months of transdermal 100-mg patches and ordered some blood work.

I mentioned that I was in the process of a name change but was having some difficulty with my bank, who insisted I present a drivers license with my female name on it. She said "I think we can help you with that, too!" She left and came back with a DMV Form DL 328, Name and Gender Change. It says that my gender identification is female, that my demeanour is female and that this complete. I need to go to the DMV, file the form and get a new picture and for most intents and purposes I will be considered a woman. If I can manage to get up early enough I'll go tomorrow. Soon my bank cards and CDL will read Joanna Claire Warner, Sex F.

Another exciting thing happened last week. I have some serious health problem and I've always assumed that SRS would not be possible for me. My internist told me that if I wanted orchiectomy and penectomy, that should be no problem. She wasn't sure about vaginoplasty but perhaps I CAN do it. It's something I need to think about.

Coming out and out and out and out.....

2006-06-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

There are so many different steps to coming out. I'm surprised by how long it's taking. I came out to my immediate family several years ago and thought that's it I'm done. But that's not the case at all! I keep coming out to different people every other day.

A month ago I stood up in a room and announced my gender change and transition to a group of my co-workers. I thought "Whew! It's over I've done it!". But there's more.

In the past I was willing to hide from various people. I'm a Scorpio, we're secretive. But I can't seem to do it any more. I find myself telling more and more people what is going on with me and that my new name is Joanna. Joni is good too.

I told my daughter yesterday. I think I had more fear around her reaction than anyone else. We've been very close and losing her would be devastating to me. Time to ride the 28 line devastating.

She was kind of surprised. She wasn't sure what transgender meant so explained it.

She said "Oh, I just thought you were bi."

She asked if I could act like her dad around her. I answerd "Of course, I'll always be your father. I'm still the same person. Just better." She asked if I would dress male around her at least for awhile. I said "Whatever makes you comfortable, Honey."

We talked about my being repressed for a long time. She said, "Dad, you should have been born 10 or 20 years later. When someone comes out now our reaction is 'Really! Cool!' " (Remember, we live in San Francisco).
She told me about a friend that is f to m. He's on testosterone and she catches him checking out her ass all the time. (Giggle, giggle!)

Then we went shopping and she helped me try on a dress!

Today I came out to my primary care doctor. I made the appointment months ago before any of this was going on. I dressed as a female office worker because that's what I am, and headed off. My doctor surprised me. She looked me up and down, smiled and led me to an exam room right away.

We went into the usual stuff. Blood counts, MELD scores and the general stability of my condition and a change in a cancer marker. Finally I told her that I was transexual and in transition. She told me that she'd suspected that for a while but this was the first time she'd seen me in full female mode. I told her that I wanted to go on hormones and would soon be seeing a specialist in TG hormone therapy. She said I needed to be cautious and let my gynecologist know about my other health issues as well as bring my hepatologist in on it.

Then she said to tell my gyno that once I was stable on a routine, she would be happy to take over the managment of the therapy. She looked at some discoloration on my calves and said it was probably related to my health problems.

"All I know is I won't be wearing any skirts with bare leggs."

"Just wear some tights, nobody will notice." She replied.

As I started to leave she gave me an appointment card and asked what I wanted to be called. I replied Joanna or Joni are both fine. "You'll be Ms. Wagner to me. Tell them to change your name on the system on your way out".

Not Sick

2006-06-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

A move is afoot to delist GID (gender Identity disorder) from the DSM. Gender roles are largely determined by society and culture. Therefore gender variance is a social problem, not a psychiatric one. Studies have found that gender role variance in itself is not harmfull while corrective measures frequently are.

For those seeking SRS, the 'disorder' definition is crucial to getting insurance companies to pay for it. So for business purposes we are stuck with a mental illness diagnosis that is incorrect.

TG people may have other mental illness to accompany transgenderism. Depression is a frequent companion as are substance abuse problems. PTSD is another problem trans people may have.

Google search terms: GID DSM-IV REFORM for further information.

What about love????

2006-05-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

I've been brooding the last few days over my love life, or lack of one. I do have a g-girl friend that loves me like crazy and I feel the same towards her. But I need a man in my life, too.

Meetings online have not worked out very well for me. It's always a hassle and then the guy usually turns out to be a goofus that's married anyway. Then there's the tranny scene. Going out to tranny bars and hanging with the other girls, maybe dancing and going home with someone you just met. Unfortunately for me, I don't drink. It's really hard to convince myself that a sow's ear is a a silk purse.

I'm not looking for someone to be my one and only. I want someone with whom I can share feelings and thoughts as well as my bed. Maybe pick-up bars aren't the best place to find him. Maybe admirers and fetish scene people aren't the ones that have what I'm looking for.

I'm considering leaving the whole TG dating scene behind. Compete out in the world with g-girls (and boys) for the kind of person I want. If I'm going to hang out in bars, why not bars where there's a mix of gay and straight people? Or participate in activities that attract a broad spectrum of people? I think I'd stand a better chance of finding someone special that way. I can always go back to Divas on Saturday night.

"Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities also has the power to make you commit atrocities." ... Voltaire (1694-1778)

Extra, Extra, Joanna Goes Legit!

2006-05-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

I've been overcome by an overwhelming sense of honesty! On Tuesday I told my therapist that I'd been using hormones on the sly. I told her I'd been doing it for years on and off. "So, why are you telling me now?", was her response. Interesting thing going on. My shrink doesn't believe that transgenderism is a disorder even though GID is listed as such in the MSD-IV. Like homosexuality, she believes it should be delisted. There is currently a movement to do so in the shrink community.

I want to get everything out in the open, especially to my MDs. So I'm seeing a gynecologist in 2 weeks. I've found one that specializes in the needs of lesbian and transgender women (only in San Francisco!). When I have my prescription in hand, I'll let my other doctors know.

Now, I wonder f I'll get to put my feet in the stirrups?

Hugs,

Joanna