Truth and Transparency

Jonathan Livingston Seagull

2009-07-12T20:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was another magnificent day full of gentle, subtle brushes with the Divine, so subtle that they so easily could have been missed, but a quiet and centered place of awareness allowed me to feel and hear the gentle touches and whispers of the one worth listening to.

It was our last day in Philly and once the girls were settled with their friends and off to the zoo with a group, I packed and then made my way out for a walk.

There are no lack of homeless people on the street. Beggars, pan handlers, those affected by both circumstances and their own lousy choices. But isn't this all of us? Aren't we all shaped by circumstances (how often do we see them as opportunities?) and our own choices, some made too quickly and without quiet contemplation and guidance. One reaps what one sows. This is true, and there are consequences to poor choices, and for some people it means life, or at least a period of their lives, on the street.

I walked past yet another one of these unfortunate souls, who rattled his cup at me as I passed him. I don't like giving money; my friend the other day proved to me that beer and being drunk prior to noon was the top priority. But I paused to ask if he was hungry.

"Yes, oh yes" came the reply, and I saw a glimmer of hope and life in his eyes.

"Well, I won't give you money, but I will get you something to eat."

And I continued to walk, went around the block and into the corner market where I purchased a large cup of hot coffee and a blueberry muffin and returned.

He looked surprised and his eyes lit up. I wonder if he really believed me when I paused and told him I would be back with food.

I continued on my walk and walked past Christ Church, the oldest church in Philly at 11, just as the second worship service was about to begin. That became my destination, and I heard God's voice through the message, about following God's plumb line which is always accurate despite what may be visible to our eyes. A wonderful and encouraging message.

But then came the true delight. A used bookstore across the street, where I just "knew" I would be able to purchase a copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, a story from my youth that I was recently reminded of.

Of course I remembered the book, I just didn't remember the story. It was probably wasted on my youth, but rang true to where I walk in life at the moment, and I am grateful to the one who reminded me of this as a word of encouragement.

"We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free! We can learn to fly." (pp.30-31).

Isn't that wonderful? To be free? No guilt, no shame, no blame, no condemnation and the ability to learn to fly at greater heights and speeds. Why stop at flying, why not soar?

So I invite you to fly and soar to newer heights with me.

Peace.

What's On My Mind...Future Ramblings

2009-07-11T11:50:00.002-04:00

Here's what's on my mind, for future musings and ramblings...

Living a BOLD Faith, based on the message I shared with my church on 6/28. I know, I have been meaning to write about this since then and well, you see how far my good intentions have gotten me.
Thoughts on Jonathan Livingston Seagull inspired by an encourager. Why it's OK to dream beyond the box.
Conspire...Plotting Goodness, a new magazine spearheaded by among others those living in community at The Simple Way, including Shane Claiborne.
More ways to be an ordinary radical. That doesn't mean troublemaker. It means moving from complacency to courage.
Nicole's sweet words to me from her week at camp.
Struggling and slogging through life, looking at it through the lens of what we can't see but are certain in what we hope for.

With all those thoughts swirling in my mind, I might have to write three times a day~Just kidding!

Musings

2009-07-11T11:00:00.004-04:00

I am a thinker. I guess I always have been, but for whatever reason there have been times I have gone through seasons of complacency and worse yet conformity, accepting others impressions and opinions without contemplating, questioning and at times disagreeing.

I suppose it has been in large part due to hang ups about not feeling good enough. We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes and regrets can really trap us and haunt us. What an incredible waste, especially for people of faith who are told by Jesus that in him they will find freedom.

Then why is there so often anything but within church? I suppose it is back to pursuing sinners or persecuting saints. For purposes of my rambling musings, sinners would be those separated from God, living captive to some degree of shame, blame or condemnation, and saints would be the church folks who project a perfect understanding that places them head and shoulders above the rest, peering down their noses at those honest enough to question, think, disagree or invite others into difficult, yet life giving and stretching conversations.

I am not a saint, I falter, make mistakes and try not to consider myself better than anyone else. But I fail there often as well. But I would rather fail at that then pretend to have it all together and project a set of rules and regulations that place God in a box and dull people to thinking and sharing. It is the role of the saints that kept me away from church for such a long time.

Thankfully I still met Jesus and it is all about relationship with Him, not with the saints.

I love to think about things and explore them from a variety of angles, not satisfied to be spoon fed information without looking at it, tasting it, and often picking it apart with my fork. And accepting the delicious nourishment Jesus has for me.

Yet we are all a melting pot, lovers of Jesus, saints and sinners. And may I remind us all that every saint is also a sinner, in this case one who is separated from God. None of us are perfect, even though many of us try to project our perfect faces. Sorry, I can't do that.

I recently read the following statements and felt affirmed and in agreement and relieved that there are actually some within the church having these conversations and making these statements:

Who you are is more important than what you do.
The church is not an organization, its' an organism-the body of Christ.
Stereotypes never carry more than 25% of the truth.
The cup God grants is always half full.
No one has a corner on the truth. But we had better have a corner of it.
Getting to know people always changes or o pinion of them.
Our default strategy is passive-aggressive.
When we avoid conflict, it usually gets worse.
leaders lead by making mistakes.
Leaders ask for forgiveness, not permission.
Jesus said, "Love your enemies," not, "Don't have enemies."
We can always learn more about about "agreeing and disagreeing in love."
Vision for the Christian is seeing things like God sees them.
It's not about us."

What do you think of those statements? I embrace them!

Who penned them? James Schrag the immediate past executive director of Mennonite Church USA. I believe these statements are worth thinking about; he has, and has been transparent enough to articulate them. I like that and I respect that.

Jesus welcomed thought. Good grief, he had to, or why would he have used so many parables? So let's think, discuss and as James Shrag says, "We can always learn more about 'agreeing and disagreeing in love'" it is the conversation that is important.

Shalom.

How My Morning Plans Changed...

2009-07-10T12:52:00.002-04:00

I am in Philly and had grand plans for this morning. I was going to write (and actually you can see that I am accomplishing a bit of that.)

But not as much as I wanted to because I was both way laid and interrupted.

First, I refuse to pay $9.95 for Internet. So it was Starbucks to the rescue. Buy a Starbucks card, register it, pay for your coffee with it (and get free refills) and connect to the Internet and write away.

So all was going well until a homeless guy came in and joined me. That was the interruption.

Or was it an opportunity?

An opportunity to model Jesus for someone. This after all, is what those of us who follow Him want to do, or at least say we want to do until the rubber meets the road. So how will we respond, and will it matter on who God brings us to model Jesus to.

He wanted money. A panhandler. "Do you have some money for breakfast?" he asked.

I said no, but asked him if he was hungry and offered to buy him a cup of coffee and a bagel and invited him to sit and chat. I remember a friend's incredible ministry stories about her time with homeless in San Fransisco when she served with a YWAM team.

So I decided to chat with the guy. Yes, it interrupted my writing, but we talked about God and Jesus and it was a pretty cool conversation until it became apparent that every time he left to let me write for a bit he had gone and gotten a beer and was too drunk to converse. That's when I told him he needed to leave.

Ultimately I suppose he wants the same things we all want; love, acceptance, peace inside the turmoil of his soul, which for him undoubtedly has been scarred, he mentioned some parts of his story, abuse, a recently broken arm preventing him from playing his guitar on the street (or was it?), an addiction, 13 DUI's and jail time and hungry, unkempt and a mess.

But to a certain extent aren't we all messes?

What would you have done? Ignored the guy, given him a quarter or bought him breakfast. What about time, would have you given the gift of time?

It's certainly not what I expected of my morning, but I do believe the human condition at its basis is much the same for all of us.

Peace.

Cutting Up Plastic

2009-07-10T10:50:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I finally made a decision to eliminate some of the plastic in my life. There is way too much plastic; some of it is Little Tyke Toys (Nicole has an orphanage you know, and as such has several cribs, high chairs and changing tables to care for them).

But then there is the other kind of plastic, as in credit card plastic.

It just gets me into trouble. I can keep my spending under control, what I can't seem to do is keep my son's spending under wraps. OK, so the next logical question is why does he end up with my credit card in his possession? (And I will admit that this has happened more than once.)

The last time I gave him the card to use it was when Howie and I were dashing off on vacation and Matt was in town and was going to need to drive my mom, who remained in PA, back to New York City. So since I didn't have cash, I gave him the card with specific instructions authorizing gas and a Hoagie at Subway.

Then he went to music show in Philly with his brother, missed his ride home and had forgotten to take the card out of his wallet and leave it on the kitchen island as I had requested. I don't believe it was malicious, just forgetful. But too easy to use when life threw some curve balls his way.

I didn't like the balance due.

So I cut three cards up, leaving me with one card and a debit card. No more cards to lend out. Too bad, so sad.

The next logical question is why I have so many credit cards in the first place, and the answer to that question is because I like incentives and rewards. So all of the cards I use have rewards, Delta, US Air and United. Oh, and then LL Bean. But I don't need all of them, or all the rewards they carry. Half the time when I try to book a trip using miles (especially on US Air) I can't. So why bother?

So I got on the phone to cancel the card. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to cancel a credit card. I'm sure these guys must get paid a bonus if you call to cancel and somehow they manage to convince you to change your mind. The person was doing a great job...I had to say no how many times...but I did prevail.

And then don't you know the next day we checked into a Hyatt in Philadelphia and there was the sign right in front of me that invited me to pay with my Master Card (now chopped in pieces) and receive 2500 bonus points. I love bonus points and free airline tickets. But yet I don't need them and didn't allow them to hold me captive to keeping more plastic than I need.

The question is do I need any credit cards? Unfortunately there are situations that really mandate the use of plastic. And I like the convenience of having certain monthly charges billed directly. So I keep it, but one is enough, probably in many ways one too many.

I attended a wonderful workshop last week at the Mennonite Church USA Convention on the Power of Enough.

I suspect that is my new mantra. May I live with simplicity and enough, so that what is excess may be shared.

Peace.

Sojourners to the Rescue!

2009-07-08T22:20:00.002-04:00

For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

- Romans 8:24-25

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.

- Abraham Lincoln

This was today's quote from the verse and voice of Sojourners.

It so, so spoke to me.

First of all, what is hope?

Is it a pie in the sky dream, or is what we know beyond know beyond know is true and just even if we can't see it and don't know when or even if in this lifetime it will become visible, but still hold on to as the ideal?

Hope for me is focusing on the end result without getting bogged down by the obstacles and doom nay saying voices along the way. It is holding fast to truth, no matter the cost. It is living according to the laws of the upside down kingdom.

Then what about those words of Abraham Lincoln?

I believe they speak to me in my personal struggles and are an encouragement to me as they should be to all of us dealing with struggles.

Coincidence? I think not. Just a whisper from God to my heart and soul. And that is what keeps me going.

Peace.

Protection and Blessing

2009-07-08T18:10:00.002-04:00

No one was hurt in this car when it went off the road.

And it did go off the road at three this morning near Clearfield, PA. There was a passenger in the front passenger seat, Matt's friend Carolyn. She and another friend were driving back from a music festival in Michigan and the driver fell asleep...and woke up half way into a ditch having drifted to the right and scrambled to correct to get back onto the highway.

While correcting to get back on to the road, the guardrail, which was just starting there (you know how it curves at the beginning) got caught between the front and rear passenger door and ripped the door, leaving it looking more like a half removed lid from a tin can.

As I said, Carolyn was in the front seat, just inches away from where the car struck and hooked the guard rail.

And neither one of them had a scratch. Thank you Jesus.

And thank you Jesus that there wasn't a guardrail for the front of the car to plow through...then there would have been airbags and they are nasty; that could have also been really bad. I look at the car and am overflowing with thankfulness and renewed belief in perspectives which value humanity, life, relationships and love more than objects or money. The car can be replaced. Lives cannot.

Then my mom called to tell me a taxi had jumped the curb on her street corner in NY and four people who were pedestrians had been injured.

Life is fleeting; we know that, some of us carry that notion with us because we have lost someone we loved recently, or even not so recently...and the pain remains. But these graphic reminders are also sobering and ought to shock us back to a place of compassion and living and loving well.

Peace. Go give someone you love a hug.

Does Media Matter?

2009-07-07T08:54:00.003-04:00

I want to weigh in on this one.

Of course Media Matters. And I am refreshed and relieved that the folks at Mennonite Media think so also.

If you have TV, radio or Internet (what about newspapers, or magazines, soon to bite the dust in the printed form I suspect).

A Sidebar: Just look at The Boston Globe, it is for sale...because it lost $50 Million last year. How much clean water could that have supplied? Now this will make my husband really sad, because he follows the Boston Red Sox, and in years gone by when we vacationed on Lake Winnepesaukee in NH we would tromp down to Camelot, a delightful and quaint, quintessentially NE newspaper, candy, book, gift shop. Well, guess what. The owner retired, we haven't been back to NH much and Howie reads the Globe on line, so the fact that the print version may evaporate doesn't really bother him. He gets it for free, can bring the scores right up and he is a happy camper.

I, on the other hand, am a hold out. I like the tactility (is that a word?) of turning pages and even getting newsprint on my fingers. Ah, I digress...

But I would venture to say that media matters in a huge way. It influences (if we allow it to) how we view subjects, how we interpret information and the perspective with which news is delivered. Are you a Fox News Junkie or do you prefer MSNBC?

I applaud Mennonite Media for taking an honest and hard look at tough issues: Recovery, Suicide, and others, and seeking to open dialog and add a voice to the conversation.

We listen to pop radio. There is plenty of junk on the air. But then again there is Jordan Sparks, too, and I do love her and when I finally got on the American Idol bandwagon it did expand my horizons and give us plenty to talk about...

Anyway, back to pop radio, Ryan Seacrest and 99.7 locally. There is plenty of objectionable content. Instead of barring it completely, I make my voice heard and open the dialog with my girls about why something is offensive or the message is wrong. Think if you flip the station they won't hear or know the lyrics to the song? Think again. Unless they are living in a totally bubbled world it will catch up with them sooner or later (and my younger daughter may be the one to teach it to others at the Mennonite Camp she is attending this week...oy vey, in trouble again...)

But my voice is being heard, and the conversation is open, and perhaps they (the teeny bopper pop crew) can also have a voice with their peers...

There is one song I find particularly offensive. I don't even know what the name of the song is, but there is a line about "Doing the Helen Keller and moving your hips." When it came on the radio in the car yesterday, I didn't even have to turn the radio off. Tianna, )my 12 year old daughter) who was sitting up front with me beat me to it. YAY! We had a passenger in the back who asked "why?" And I could explain that Helen Keller was an amazing woman of courage and integrity who was deaf and blind, and that the reference to communicating by moving one's hips (because they couldn't speak or hear) was totally disrespectful and totally unacceptable. Period. And she told me her mom didn't like the song either.

But we have to do more than not like the song. We need a voice to chime in on the conversation and say why.

Mennonite Media is doing this. Their documentaries have been aired on The Hallmark Channel and ABC and add a voice to the conversation. Kudos to them. We need this conversation in our homes and also in our churches.

Don't be afraid to speak up and be BOLD.

Join the conversation and add your voice.

In The News...

2009-07-06T23:36:00.003-04:00

OK, So I was going to go to bed, but the news caught my eye, and thus my mind...

Club Fed...Give me a break. Have you heard of this? Makes sense (Club Med, Club Fed...) So now, Bernie Madoff, who swindled many out of millions has Prison Consultants (who knew?) trying to get him a good bunk...don't get me started...

And then Rick Warren came under attack by the right of the right because he encouraged dialog between Muslims and Christians. May I also then come under attack.

Peace. It's what the world needs.

Miscellaneous Thoughts...

2009-07-06T23:14:00.004-04:00

There are so many thoughts rambling around inside my head, I can hardly stand it...

So here goes. Aside from my new found fascination with Pink, here is what else is new:

Nicole decided to go to church camp this week. Amen, Amen and more Amen...She will have fun, she chose to go, we do miss her (although not all the noise, but good grief, her sister even wrote her a letter...) and for this I am so thankful.

I watched a softball double header tonight and had great chats with my friends, but one is still sworn off my blog since one post that just put her over the edge last political season. See, it cost me a book contract, and a faithful blog follower...that makes me sad.

I joined Weight Watchers on line last night because I just don't have the discipline I need.

I am reading Kevin Lehman's book, Five Days to a New Child which affirms everything I know, but not everything I do. Why am I such a wimp?

Matt got home today from a music festival...please pray that he is directed to make good choices.

We have an ant infestation.

This time when Howie hauled all the branches off in my car he vacuumed, I noticed, and gave appropriate thanks.

We are going to Philly on Thursday; Howie has a conference, and when I go to pick up Nicole from camp, I may get to see Connie! Yippee.

We go back to the Lake in 12 days...already.

I am relaxed. I love life, and am trusting God to see me through; no micro management required.

Peace.

Being and Ordinary Radical

2009-07-06T22:50:00.004-04:00

I remember very clearly the day I committed to following Jesus. It was June 10, 2001. And I had absolutely no idea what I was "getting myself into." Becoming an ordinary radical, I suspect...

In fact, as soon as I finished choking, sobbing and spitting out my story which ultimately acknowledged that I did not, in fact, run the world, and sat down confused and dazed about what had just happened, my friend Jean, who had invited me to church that day leaned in next to me with more of a smirk than a smile on her face and said, "I can't wait to see what Jesus does with your big mouth."

Well, she had one thing right, I do have a big mouth! In fact, Third Way Media, the Media arm of the Mennonite Church was handing out stickers that said, "I have a voice." I inserted the word "loud."

I have a loud voice, and although I do so hate to admit this, there are times when it appropriately needs to be shushed. But there are other times when it needs to ring out, loud and clear.

And I seem to have a knack for really ringing out sometimes. But I suppose that is because I have an opinion. And sometimes that costs. But if integrity is on the line, it is absolutely worth it.

It cost me a book contract back in November, but looking back at where my life has taken me since then, I view that as God's protection.

Most recently, the controversial topic I have chosen to be radical about is homosexuality. There was a very large pink presence in Columbus, in fact, it even came up in discussion at tonight's softball games. I was amazed.

I attended the Mennonite Church USA Convention in Columbus and purchased a pink Menno T shirt. In fact, pink is and has always been my favorite color. Now it just has added meaning.

But that's OK. One of my major objections to the church (aren't we called to be the body of Christ?) is that it has tip toed around difficult issues, preferring to pretend they don't exist.

Come on. The church is the place we should be able to go for healing and understanding, but try telling that to your gay friend or family member, or your daughter who has had an abortion...so I wore my PinkMenno T shirt to church yesterday and then braced myself.

I have to and hate to admit that it took a deep breath of resolve to wear the shirt, shirking the "what will people think, will they misunderstand, shun, not like me" anymore...but believing that God does know my heart, and it is one that I hope is overflowing with compassion.

But the reason I wore it was to follow Shane Claiborne's call to become an "ordinary radical" that in the way of following Christ I can be a voice to summon others into conversation.

We had a great sermon at church yesterday, and the one point that really stayed with me (the speaker spoke about putting on the armor of God, Ephesians 6) and the sword of the Spirit, which is God's word. He noted and reminded us that it is the Sword of the Spirit, not the sword of believers to hack each other apart with. But how often do we do this when we disagree?

So I wore my pink T shirt in support of open, honest, provocative, self reflecting conversation. I think that is what Jesus did, and as a Christian I am a follower of Jesus, and if that means using my big mouth to shake things up a bit in the interest in caring and compassionate conversation, so be it. I think Jesus did quite a bit of that.

The truth is we all screw up. Yup, I said that. Mess up. Sin. Whatever you want to call it, but it separates us from God. And it seems to me if we cloak ourselves in a "Holier than thou attitude" we are becoming just a tad too self righteous...

Comments? Thoughts? Please share. And know that I love Jesus and others with a passion.

Shane Claiborne at Convention

2009-07-05T20:02:00.003-04:00

If you haven't read any of Shane Claiborne's writing, do.

As in the imperative: Do! The Christianity Claiborne describes and lives is one I am interested in.

He is an engaging, provocative and entertaining speaker. His laugh is contagious and I must say he effuses joy. He invites those of us tired of the status quo of religion to be co-conspirators with him in the way of Jesus and loving others. As a matter of fact, when recently asked what his occupation was, he responded, "lover." What a hoot!

I admire his ability to unabashedly address tough issues head on, yet speaking in love and a way that is disarming and thought provoking. It may be time for me to go back and re-read THE IRRESISTIBLE REVOLUTION.

I managed to catch up with him in the hallway long enough to thank him for writing an endorsement to my Bible Study I have releasing here in a couple of weeks; he handed me a copy of a magazine he is a collaborator on with Doug Pagitt, who was co-director of the Emerging Church meeting I attended in Memphis in December right after I lost my contract with Focus on the Family.

"Conspire" what a great name for a publication calling for a revolution in religion and church as we have known it. And as he handed me a copy he invited me to become a part of the conversation of conspiracy for Jesus.

Now that's exciting!

I Came to the Right Place...

2009-07-03T07:45:00.003-04:00

I do not Tweet. Nor do I want to....

But unfortunately this will probably be more like a tweet than a post, because of time (more appropriately lack thereof...)

Convention has changed my life and spirit. In a good way.

I needed to be filled; I came to the right place.
I needed to worship; I came to the right place.
I need to experience the fullness of God's unconditional love; I came to the right place.
I need to cast away judgement and pre-conceived notions; I came to the right place.
I need to serve God and learn how to use my gifts to do so, not promote my gifts; I came to the right place.
I need to know and believe God made me who I am and I am fine that way; I came to the right place.
I need to learn more to "let my yes be yes, and my no be no" and I came to the right place.
I heard Shane Claiborne speak; I came to the right place.
I need to be with others who love Jesus and find my way of continually expressing that to Him and others; I came to the right place.

May you find your own right place also.
Peace

Inspired in Columbus

2009-07-02T07:27:00.002-04:00

I tried to connect to blogger last night, and couldn't. I tried several times...my head and heart were so full of joy and thoughts I thought I would explode.

On a whim, I tried to see if I could connect now, and of course for some insane reason, it worked.

I still have the same thoughts and passion, but not the time to write about my experienced at Mennonite Church USA Convention.

It is 7:29 and Nicole hasn't had a shower in days. Brush her hair? Ha! And she isn't the fastest moving child on the face of the earth. Theoretically the kid's drop off is at the Convention Center a few blocks away at 8. Needless to say...

So hopefully the world of technology will cooperate later and I can share...

In the meantime be a conduit of joy!

Why Today Was Beautiful...

2009-06-29T22:09:00.002-04:00

Why today was beautiful (and what could have made it stink!)

Perspective is everything.

Today was beautiful because:

I got to watch my gorgeous daughter play softball. She is graceful, funny and into her team.
They lost. And may very well (OK probably will) lose their next game, but she wants me there to watch her. And I will be; I will leave the National Mennonite Church USA Convention two days early to be certain to watch her play.

My plumber came today and put a new pump in our well. We have gross water, full of iron and I may end up with stained toilets and laundry, but I have running water. And I have the money to pay the bill. This is someone else's livelihood and will help to pay their bills. I am grateful to have someone I trust be able to do the repairs.

I got my stitches out from my forehead today. I don't think I will have a scar, but if I do, you won't be able to see it because it is at my scalp line and I am blessed enough to have health insurance to pay for it.

I got to hang out on the phone with my dear friend Chara from second grade for a spell. Today is her 50th birthday. I went to see her in California last year for her 49th and didn't think she would survive much longer, and here it is a year later and she regaled me with some beautiful stories that brought me to tears.

Today Matt's college diploma arrived in the mail. A year ago I wasn't sure he would graduate.

And today I told my mother I loved her and didn't think she was crazy when she told me she was woken up abruptly by my father's voice calling her name. I told her I too have heard his voice and cherish those dreams and times.

I imploded a feather pillow in the dryer today. I could have set the house on fire and didn't. I am grateful.

Perspective. There is much we have to be thankful for.

Peace.

Dr. Seuss, Faith and Service

2009-06-26T11:12:00.004-04:00

I have so many ideas popping around in my head it's a wonder I don't get a headache.

Oh, I forgot, I do have a headache, but that is unrelated.

I love Dr. Seuss, and I have often mused about the spiritual applications of some of the pictures and stories. Someone else actually wrote a book about it...but I have had these pages pulled forever, wanting to put a talk together on the images and faith, but well, surprisingly enough I haven't had time. Gee, I wonder why that might be...

So I decided to blog about it, briefly, instead.

I love this photo...

I said "Go" and I meant "Go."

When God asks us to do something, how often does He need to repeat himself?

"Come on Kathy, I said go." As in now. Not later, not maybe, not when I get around to it, but now.

I said "go" is an imperative.

Yet generally we respond as if it is the least likely response in a multiple choice response to a question. Generally a question that has something to do with something we don't want to do or pursue and are looking for some wiggle room in our reaction.

Imperatives don't leave much wiggle room.

Then there is this image. I love this image. To me, it is the essence of the faith walk.

It is stepping out whether or not we know there is step (or hand) to catch us. But when we step out in faith, trusting that we won't fall (and that is the hard part) we are stepping onto solid ground, the Rock, not sinking sand, and God is there to catch, hold and carry.

Step out, respond to God's voice, and be blessed.

The Crater in my Forehead

2009-06-26T11:07:00.002-04:00

I was totally shocked when they showed me picture number one.

The purple lines are the markings they made where they made the incisions to create the skin flaps to suture the skin.

Then, the final result. There is a fair amount of suture also under the hairline.
It still is sore when I laugh, but since I prefer laughter to tears, it's just fine.If that doesn't motivate you to stay out of the sun...put on that number 70 SPF and wear a wide brimmed hat.

I have two, and they are both pink, which should come as no surprise.

Purging...

2009-06-25T22:34:00.002-04:00

Pruning continues, but now we've added purging to the mix.

For the first time in weeks I can see Tianna's floor! She sorted, folded and pitched. And I didn't pitch a fit. There was no sadness or remorse about letting go of things that were a bit pricey or momentary "must haves."

We stuffed garbage bag after garbage bag full of items that are no longer used, broken, don't fit, or simply have outgrown their appeal. There is someone who will enjoy these things, and I will enjoy the fact that they are no longer cluttering my house.

But we have a long way to go.

Today the computers were tended to. We have had Internet issues for weeks now. Well, apparently our computers, all of them, were quite ill. So that was today's pruning experience. I took my van to be inspected and was half expecting a huge repair based on the way things have been going, but a scheduled oil change and a couple of filters was all it needed.

I am speaking at our church this weekend. Our pastor is on sabbatical and I will be sharing the message. Pruning is part of what I will be talking about. I was joking with my older son about how things keep happening and he said well, it teaches perseverance. And he is so right, and it is Biblical, too. I added that we are to consider it "pure joy" when we are faced with trials of every kind because it leads to perseverance. And I have been smiling a lot lately despite all the nonsense. No effort to derail me or my purpose will be effective.

My head is healing, although it hurts when I laugh. There is something about the facial expression when I laugh that stretches the stitches. You know, my mom had a face lift a number of years ago. I am impressed. She had lots of stitches. It wouldn't have been worth it to me, but she was quite pleased with the outcome. Boy did she bruise. They told me I might, but I was compliant with my ice, so didn't.

OK, Sorry, I am rambling. Time for bed.

Peace.

Continued Pruning...

2009-06-24T11:40:00.003-04:00

Well, my forehead hasn't been the only thing to come under the knife; I am continuing to be pruned, if only it would take away the twenty pounds I wish (but still am not disciplined enough to attack for once and for all) would vanish between my naval and my knees...

I will post a photo of the dime sized pock/crater in my forehead before they put the stitches in. I have to take a picture of the picture and will get to it...the skill with which my surgeon created skin flaps and then sutured the incision is really impressive.

I did, however, neglect to consider the impact the surgery which involves my scalp and hairline (they needed to shave a bit of my hair away) would have on my hair appointment for today which included a much needed color. Oh well, I will remain three toned for awhile. Dark brown, auburn that has bleached to blond and grey. Maybe I can start a new fashion trend...

The best part of the whole procedure was bringing Nicole into the room before they cleaned me up, but after the stitches were in to make a strong visual point of what can happen from the sun. Now, I wasn't supposed to have this, I have dark olive skin, but she is a red head and prone to these things. The expression on her face clearly communicated understanding.

So today my morning was rearranged by a phone call. It removed all the indecision about what to do during the three hours Nicole would be at riding camp. (Yesterday's adventure was finding suitable boots that were horse worthy, fit, and also made a fashion statement. This was no small feat...)

We have had ongoing plumbing issues and the plumber called, which made my day. Perhaps a future of uninterrupted showers due to falling water pressure will be a part of my imminent future...

Well. not so fast. Because this is MY life we are talking about, right in the middle of his diagnostic work, well, actually more towards the beginning, the power went out. Not just my house, but the entire neighborhood, which is why I am now back at my favorite back up haunt, Dunkin Donuts.

No water or power. But its OK. Do you know how many people in the world live without water or power everyday?

The poor old cheese eating cat had oral surgery yesterday, eleven teeth out. Hopefully he will be able to eat better and his breath won't stink so much.

Other factors which conspire to push me off the edge find me holding firm. Falling off the edge, no matter how close I come some days is simply not, NOT, an option. My God carries me.

Peace, and may God carry you as well.

Words of Wisdom...

2009-06-22T21:38:00.003-04:00

I was going through papers again today and came across a sheet with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that had appealed to my dad. There were several copies in a folder and I imagine he had given out copies like handing out delicious treats at halloween.

"The characteristic of genuine heroism is its persistency. All men have wandering impulses, fits and starts of generosity, but when you have resolved to be great, abide by yourself, and do not weakly try to reconcile yourself with the world. The heroic cannot be the common, nor the common the heroic yet we have the weakness to expect the sympathy of people in those actions whose excellence is that they outrun sympathy and appeal to a tardy justice. If you would serve your brother, because it is fit for you to serve him, do not take back your words when you find that prudent people do not commend you. Be true to your own act, and congratulated yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant and broken the monotony of a decorous age. It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."

And my dad had underscored the last sentence and punctuated it with two exclamation points to emphasize the importance of the point, to "Always do what you are afraid to do."

But how many of us embrace doing what we are afraid of?

I must admit that I have faced my fair, well actually more than my fair share of Goliaths lately and I am weary.

But I am also persistent, motivated by seeking truth and justice. I am appalled at the amount of oppressive injustice there is in the world. It drags and whips around innocent people caught unaware by lurking evil with the suddenness of a fast moving violent storm that leaves a wake of destruction in its path so overpowering that the only thing that seems certain is the uncertainty if life will ever be the same.

My persistence will allow me to follow God, who urges me forward in facing and conquering fear and injustice.
It is not difficult to pay lip service to having faith. But to live in faith that despite circumstances that don't make sense or incite fear is to trust that God is in control. That is real faith. To live in an abiding trust that isn't dashed by circumstance or fear.

I do not want to weakly reconcile myself with the world. I don't like its standards. So I will be persistent, persistent in doing what I may be afraid to do, and give God the credit when fear doesn't win. That is courage. Living fighting for truth and justice despite circumstance, trusting that truth will prevail.

May you be persistent and also have the courage and faith to do what you are afraid of. You will be blessed.

Back Home...

2009-06-21T22:13:00.004-04:00

We finally are back home. I can't begin to express how happy I am to be home.
The unpacking is never pleasant, and the amount there is ahead to logisticize is impressive, but family and relationships first, and the rest will come.

It is my first Father's Day without my dad. I miss him, but that is nothing new. I continue to stand firm in honoring him, despite constant distractions and annoyances and evil nipping at my heels. Sigh. Two weeks worth of mail brought a few bills, lots of junk mail and not enough checks to cover the bills. Sigh again.

One of the adventures we had in the past week that I neglected to recount was that of the missing hermit crab. Yes, we have two hermit crabs (and four cats, a beta fish, a bunny and a frog...I think that's it). Well, the hermit crabs came on vacation with us, but somewhere between VA and SC one of them, aptly named "Stars" because of its red and white star studded shell, managed to get out of its box. We looked everywhere for it, and figured if it had ever made it into the car it must surely have been steamed.
Well, when we got to DC, Howie found it hiding in his dirty, sweaty sneaker. We figure the residual sweat provided enough moisture to keep it alive. We weren't sure it had made it at first, but when we got up the next morning to find it had relocated under the tree stump we celebrated!

DC was fun; at any rate Nicole really enjoyed herself, but I was reminded how difficult it is to go on these group trips. Consensus is difficult to say the least, and I admire and respect our leader for having pulled off this trip.

Matt is home and has reached a decision to explore permanent job placements in Utah. If you are a praying person, please pray that he finds a job that is a win-win scenario. We had a good talk this afternoon and I am guardedly optimistic that he is ready to take the next step in his life, despite feeling a bit uncertain at times. I know that feeling. I think he will go back to NYC to hang out with my mom for a few days and take care of the dog that he and Carolyn loved together, but now that they are split, he won't get to see so much. He loves Finn and will miss him and is eager to spend some time with him over the next couple of weeks while Carolyn is away. I did write that they broke up didn't I? Heartbreak and sadness, but opportunity for growth...

Tomorrow I am having my basal cell cancer on my forehead removed via Mohs Surgery. Howie has assured me it is painful. Gee thanks...then the cat has surgery on Tuesday (the old cat) and the rest of the week is also filled with appointments of many different varieties...

This "normal" stuff is a welcome relief.

Now on to the purging and pruning that is ruling my life.

Peace.

Serendipity Strikes Again...Amazing!

2009-06-19T22:41:00.002-04:00

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, mostly because I had a large latte from McDonald's on our drive from Hilton Head to DC and though I needed it for the drive, it continued to keep me wide awake after midnight. I had a feeling it would work out that way, but what can one do when one desperately needs caffeine for the road...

So at midnight, after reading in the book of Acts all about BOLD faith and power and the early church (why oh why can't today's church be like the early church?) I was overcome by an urge to call my friend Hallie from second grade in Salt Lake City. The last time we spoke was in February when she "happened" to be in NYC just after my dad's fall and she was invaluable in helping to make some incredibly important connections for me.

So at midnight I am overcome with the urge to call Hallie, who I have NOT spoken with since February and I wanted to give her an update and thank her for the introductions she was responsible for. Midnight EST, two hours earlier MST, not too late...unless as I hear the phone ringing on her end she happens to be on the East Coast, but then she answered and didn't sound as if I had just woken her up.

"Hallie" I said, "it's not too late is it? I mean its midnight here on the East Coast, but you're still up aren't you?" I ask, a bit nervous that in fact it was on the late side.

"No, I am still awake" she answered, "although I am on the East Coast."

It made me laugh and reminded me of the almost identical conversation we had in February when she and I connected in NYC and she showed up at my dad's office while I was there, not even knowing that I was there at the time.

Well, it looked like maybe we would be two for two.

"Where are you?" I asked. But I wasn't prepared for her answer.

"I'm in Bethesda at NIH for a meeting."

"What?!?!" I practically shrieked into the phone. "NO WAY! I am in Bethesda too."

Exactly 4.8 miles from where she was staying.

And so it goes. We had early morning coffee and a walk together, caught up, hugged, and smiled at God's Grace. It was a delight and reminder to always listen to the directive of the still small voice inside as it urges actions.

What a blessing I would have missed had I not called her last night. There are no coincidences, only diving appointments.

There is one waiting for you too; hear the invitation when it comes.

Peace.

Invitation to Become a Follower

2009-06-18T08:11:00.003-04:00

I have now re-written the first sentence to this brief post seven times.

It's not because I have writer's block, rather is reflective of the fact that I am having trouble with it because it seems a bit on the selfish or prideful side to me and I don't want it to be that way at all.

I just think my two followers may be lonely out there, so if you are a regular reader and check in anyway, would you consider keeping Pam and Connie company and become a follower?

There, I said it, and hope you decide to join them!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-06-18T07:39:00.004-04:00

Don't ever underestimate the perception or wisdom of children, in particular your own, who know you better than you think.

Yesterday Nicole made a remarkable observation; and rather than huff it off as hurtful nonsense, I absorbed it into my soul and accepted it for what it could teach me. And I am sharing it so it may also remind you of what is truly most important: relationships.

I continue to miss my dad, and lately there have been reminders of him everywhere; whether listening to Moon River in a movie, or now being in Hilton Head, SC.

Our family has spent much time on this island over the years; both my parents and Howie's parents own(ed) timeshare here, so it has been a vacation destination for us for years, but more recently our trips here have been limited to when Howie speaks at a conference, but for my parents it was where they spent Thanksgiving.

I can't help but reflect on memories as I look out over the ocean, and allow my soul to be soothed and my mind mesmerized by the waves and the tides.

So I mused out loud about the fact that grandma and grandpa came here every year, but my mom will not return this fall, as it is yet another reminder to her of her sadness and loss. It is an understatement to say my mom is lonely and empty without my dad. She is like an orphaned forlorn puppy not able to find its way home. But that is a story for another day.

We were in the car when Nicole made her comment (the battery has now not died in over 24 hours...but we have become paranoid and hyper vigilant in noting whether any dome lights or on and have become prone to making sure when we stop that every one jumps out quickly. This doesn't suit same sage daughter very well, who takes her time at everything...)

Anyway, Nicole pipes up from the back seat, (and this is not a direct quote, but close...) "It seems like you love grandpa now more that he is dead." Trying to figure out how she reached this conclusion I asked her to elaborate. "When he was alive you didn't talk about him that much, but now that he is dead you talk about him all the time."

I couldn't deny the truth of what she was saying. Yet I knew it wasn't true, but how were my actions being perceived and what was her take?

It lead me to the place where my mother is partially stuck: the world of regret. I know there are places in her story where she would like to hit "rewind" but isn't that true of all of us? And it seemed like Nicole was suggesting that I might also have one foot in that place.

But for the most part I refuse to acknowledge that place or put it on my top ten list of places to go. I know its not in the 1001 places to see before you die book, but Bellagio and Paris are, two places I have gone with my mom to create new memories.

It did invite introspection. If it appears to my daughter that I am paying more attention to him now that he is gone and didn't relate to him intimately while he was alive did he feel those things?

I would thankfully have to say no, because we had become very close and shared some exceptionally sweet times together especially over the last year of his life, when he would call me frequently and invite deep thought or conversation, or sometimes rant and rave about the people and situations that were driving him nuts. I listened and affirmed, something I have not always been so good at in the present tense life with my kids. So there is one lesson. I am certain my dad knew I loved him and cared for him deeply, as I also knew the same of his feelings for me. No regrets...

But certainly lessons. Do the people in my life know I love them? I mean know beyond know beyond know...a feel it to the core of one's inner soul that doesn't require (and defies) words or explanation. Kind of like faith and trust in God. I know beyond know beyond know He loves me and leads me, yet I can't explain it or adequately acknowledge it with words.

On the other hand, I have to admit that my mom and I, having a different and more complex relationship may not be as certain of that love. Part of what made that love easier for my dad to accept and abide in was his intimacy with God. My mom has put a wall up between her and God to protect her (presumably) from more hurt. A lost father at a young age, a mother who lived in the fog of grief that settled in around her for the remainder of her life, and now the loss of a life partner who loved her in the way she understood and needed.

God is there to heal and fill that place in her soul...but the wall is still too strong and high, enforced by years of hurt and loss.

Nicole's comment has brought me to a place where I am standing on the other side of that wall,and carefully removing it, brick by brick without collateral damage.

Every day the people who we cherish need to feel and know that love. Be certain to share it, in word and action. God is love and that truly is faith in action.

Peace.

Nature's Majesty

2009-06-17T22:46:00.002-04:00

Last night, after we came in from the dinner we didn't have, lightening continued to light the sky.

Howie could be a storm chaser...he is way enamored by storms...but he did get this great photo last night, patiently sitting with his camera to capture God's light show. Beautiful, powerful and majestic.