Lesbian Mommy

History is Being Made in California Right Now!

2008-06-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

Up until about 5 minutes ago the County Clerks office in Los Angeles had marriage licenses available for couples with a Bride and a Groom. Their office has officially changed the licenses to include same-sex couples by changing the wording to say Party A and Party B. At 5:01pm same-sex couples across the state will begin to flood the website to apply for a marriage license to wed here in the State of California. This is a historic event!! Congratulations to all of the couples participating in a marriage ceremony soon - your time to apply for an application is almost here!!! HUGGGGSSSSS!!! Sincerely, ~JuliePhineas~

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

My Lesbian Wedding Part Two: Plotting and Planning

2008-06-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

There is a mass wedding for same-sex couples being held at 7pm on Tuesday June 17 at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Long Beach, which is close to my neighborhood here in Southern California.

With two children, a teenage sister, two cats and a dog named Buddy living with us, the plotting and planning of our lesbian wedding is getting complicated. We've had to discuss and decide on many important things as a couple and as a family in the past few weeks such as, should we get married at a mass wedding? Do we add homophobes we're related to on our guest list? Do we even want to get married under these circumstances, knowing we might have to tell our children our status was taken away in November?? Let me tell you friends, it has been an 'emotional rollercoaster' these past few weeks. Dealing with the different aspects of the plotting and planning of my lesbian wedding have left me physically tired yet even more determined than ever to marry Gina because she is the love of my life and the one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. At this point, after all the drama, Gina and I have decided to keep it simple.

After we found out that we had rights, we were extremely excited and we told the family and friends that were closest to us and had shown us support all these years.

What was very surprising was the reaction happened to be a very mixed reaction, rather than a united front of congratulations. I felt like some of our very dearest family and friends still viewed us as ‘second class citizens'. We were very hurt and I’ve done a lot of crying lately. Writing the guest list became an emotional event, and it really scaled back the plans that we had. Our first thought was to of course go all out and have a big wedding. Finances combined with the need to marry by November crossed that off the list and the next option was a small ceremony with about 100 guests, possibly in a banquet room at the local Marriott, with cake and champagne afterwards, plus apple cider for the kiddos. Our guest list has about 100 people that are just close family, so we had to cut out a lot of other people from the list at that point. We decided we would take a nice photo on our big day and send out announcements to the people that we couldn’t invite.

Then another reality set in - our families are not going to help us with the cost… we’re on our own here!

When I think about it, I just spent a ton of money defending myself in family court where I got totally financially screwed because I am gay (there’s no other way to put it!); and I’ve also spent a ton of money to secure my children’s future plus change my last name because those things don’t come with a domestic partnership. Plus I have to go back and appeal the family court ruling, file a complaint against the judge, and request transcripts too… it gets very expensive! Looking at our final guest list, we realized we were inviting people who we know don’t support our relationship just because they are closely related. It really made me feel like I was about to put my household in a financial bind to make sure that every body else, including those who don't support our relationship, would have a nice time on our big day. Sorry friends, but I just can’t bring myself to do that!

This was a nice change for us because we were able to let go of a lot of the stress of planning a big wedding in such a short amount of time.

We decided we would keep things small and just do a civil ceremony at the County Clerks office. I looked into the website for the Los Angeles County Clerks office , and found that we can apply for our marriage license online after 5pm here on June 16, and then we can pick it up as early as 8am on June17th. We can schedule an appointment for our ceremony at the time that we pick up our marriage license, and we are hoping that we will be able to get married the same day. The County Clerks office in Norwalk is where we will be going to pick up the license since there is no appointment needed, and they will be performing same sex wedding ceremonies that day until 8pm on a first come, first serve basis (article). Each of the County Clerks offices in California is handling the event differently, for example the clerks office in Bakersfield which is opting simply to not marry anybody anymore, gay or straight (article). The County Clerks office in Nevada City is planning to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples starting 8am on June 17th (article), while the county clerks office in San Francisco has pulled some strings to start doing so at 5:01pm on June 16th. They are asking couples to BYOB – bring your own bell – wedding bell that is! You can read more about that here. Plus here is an article with “Reader questions and answers on gay marriage“ by the LA Times, and an article titled “What Do I Need To Know About Getting Married In California?” on the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center website here .

In the meantime, Gina and I are getting ready to put on some white and head down to the Clerks office on Tuesday.

We’ve started an online wedding registry here which donates to the Equality for All Campaign. Any couple can register online here. We’re getting ready mentally to handle our big day and become Mrs. and Mrs. Phineas, even though we’ve lived as though we are married for about 5 years now. Some of our friends and family have been asking us what we plan to do, and there have been a few opportunities to have our ceremony on TV. In the midst of everything we are trying to stay connected and focused on our family and home life. After all of the details are worked out, the bottom line is that we love each other, and we want to protect our wishes in regards to our relationship and family with the marriage rights that we deserve.

Both Gina and I have come a long way from wanting the big flashy wedding in front of everybody, to simply cherishing a hugely symbolic moment in time that is shared only between me and her.

We are getting the wedding jitters but we are committed to each other and our life together so any talks of prenuptial agreements, divorces, and even bucking the establishment by not getting married were met with laughter and a kiss. After an initial shock of the reality of it all, and going through the pre-wedding planning in such a short amount of time, we are still committed to spending the rest of our lives together. Since there is no big wedding to worry about, we are just spending these few days preparing our minds, scheduling the babysitter, and deciding how we’re going to do our hair. Let the naysayers say what they will, but we are moving forward with our love and our life together, and Tuesday we hope to take the final step towards equal rights for our relationship together. I’ll definitely keep you posted, when I post part three of My Lesbian Wedding… Our Big Day!

Until then, thank you for all of the congratulations that I have received and for the well wishes on our big day!

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

Bloggers Raise Awareness for LGBT Families

2008-06-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today is the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day and throughout the day you will find blogs across the internet posting in support of LGBT Families.

Each blog who posts in support of Blogging for LGBT Families Day is listed on the list of contributing posts in an effort to raise awareness for LGBT families and the blogs who support them. This event is brought to you by The Mombian Blog which offers “Sustenance for Lesbian Moms” and is sponsored by The Family Equality Council .

Posts are being added all day long, and so far there are some pretty interesting posts to check out.

Here is a list of my favorites so far:

Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: Laws for LGBT Families with Children -
link

Alabama Blue Dot: Family by Fate and by Choice - link

BlogHer - Denise: Blogging for LGBT Families Day: Just like you, except for the hate thing - link

Cheryl’s Mewsings: Introducing COLAGE - link

Damn Straight: Not really an issue … until it is an issue - link

Parenting Beyond the Pale: Coming Out’ at Costco - link

3 Garzas & La Gringa: Family Day …Every Day - link

You can find the entire list of contributing posts here, which is being updated throughout the day.

You can find the entire list of contributing posts here, which is being updated throughout the day.

If you would like to participate in the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day to help to raise awareness and show support for LGBT Families, simply post an entry on your blog and send the link to lgbtfamilies@mombian.com. Also be sure to visit the list of contributing posts for more blogs like this one who support the rights of families in the LGBT community. There are some great blogs showing support this year so you'll find some new favorites to add to your feeds and bookmarks. A special thanks to Mombian and The Family Equality Council for putting this web event together, and for helping to raise awareness for LGBT families around the world!

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

My Lesbian Wedding Part One – We’ve Got Rights!

2008-05-29T19:29:00.001-07:00

Four years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room with my mother, who was about 10 years into her battle with diabetes.

The day is vivid and the moment is forever burned into my life – George W. Bush was re-elected. (article) This is a very emotional subject for me because when that happened a deep truth hit me hard… there would be no chance in hell for gay marriage rights for the next four years. I had been holding it together for my mom, keeping a brave face; but the moment the news flashed the story I broke down and cried… it still makes me cry for such a grave injustice to have happened. Now flash forward four years, and my mother has been back in the hospital since January. (Please send prayers!) I happened to be sitting with her overnight on May 14th and I had the TV on with her when the news flashed a story that brought me to my knees; A vote was to occur the next day over whether to overturn the ban on gay marriage in California or not! As luck would have it, CNN reported that The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage and now gay and lesbian couples have the right to marry in the state of California!! Tears of joy began to flow on May 15th, 2008 and they haven’t stopped since!

My mother is still in the hospital, and there are many other situations in my life right now that have been causing distress and pain; but now... now we have something beautiful to hold onto.

Since that day, many of my friends have sent congratulations and well wishes once they heard the news. Some of the gay friends I have are getting nervous about their partner expecting a wedding, too. Isn’t that funny? I have read stories of gay couples who have been together for decades who have been waiting to marry each other. They are finally planning their weddings! It just makes me so happy and full of joy that so many people are finally able to have the wedding experience with the love of their life. I am telling you that I always cry at weddings; and now that gay marriage is legal in California I have had so many joyful crying spells I am starting to get embarrassed about it. There is definitely a wedding buzz around here as we prepare for the ruling to take effect so that we can file for a marriage license which is currently projected to be June 17, 2008. Gina and I have had to get it in gear and really think about our ‘lesbian wedding’. It’s hilarious the things we get to go through that we didn’t before such as debating issues like pre-nuptial agreements and seating charts. *LOL We wonder if we will run into the press at the county clerks office and if there will be a shortage on wedding dresses when we go to buy ours. *LOL It’s also interesting to notice that the gay friendly businesses are coming out of the woodwork and the LGBT community has more of a guidepost of which places we are able to plan our weddings with pride.

Even big names like Macy's are showing support for the LGBT community by encouraging gay and lesbian couples to use their bridal registry for their big day.

Online gay jeweler, Love and Pride Jewelry, is now offering a 10% discount on all bridal rings in celebration of marriage equality in California, and Cherished Weddings Vows Chapel in Torrance, CA has set themselves up online with a series of blogs catering to the increased demand for weddings in California. You can stay up to date on the latest in LA Weddings at one of their new blogs, The L.A. Wedding Resource . Of course there have always been websites online that cater to gay marriages and lesbian weddings such as Alt Wed and The Rainbow Wedding Network , even Two Brides.com and Two Grooms.com. As Gina and I continue to think out and plan our big day, we have come across items such as gay and lesbian cake toppers at this site , lesbian friendly wedding invitations at OutVite.com , and LGBT wedding favors at the GayWeddings.com online store.

Any way you look at it, marriage equality in California is a boost to the US economy.

Whichever route we take to our big day, it will be painted with pink money! Weighing our wedding options we are looking at a pretty penny to walk down the aisle together, and we aren’t even planning a big wedding! We have to consider my wedding dress, and what is Gina going to wear? She really doesn’t do dresses. There is the wedding cake, and the wedding favors, the invitations and thank you cards; plus we have to consider a honeymoon and what about bachelorette parties?? There will be the flowers, the marriage license, and all the other little things that will surely add up. Since May 15th, Gina and I have been working more overtime than ever to pay for the event!!

Because of a November ballot initiative to ban gay marriage in California it looks like it will be a summer wedding.

There is a certain pressure to get married quickly in case we never get this chance again. As the NY Times reports here, the ruling in California has fueled the same-sex marriage battle rather than ending it. Amidst the joy and excitement, there is still the dread of the possibility that our right to marry can be taken away in November. It’s sad to think that we could go through all the same motions that a straight couple does for their wedding, but we could end up with exactly zero change in status or recognition, plus zero stability and security for our children from the government in the form of social security, taxes, and more. According to the NY Times article:

“California has more than 100,000 households headed by gay couples, about a quarter with children, according to 2000 census data.”

I have tried to be very vocal with my friends and family so they know how important their vote is this November. All Californians should come out to the polls and vote this November and have their vote heard in this historic time. What everyone can do right now to voice our vote is to sign the Million for Marriage petition from The Human Rights Campaign. The anti-gay initiatives are backed by funding that pro-gay initiatives have not been privy too, and they have gathered over a million signatures for their initiative. We need to surpass this amount and demand that marriage equality in California be here to stay, which will help other marriage equality initiatives in the future. For now, please take some time to visit the Million for Marriage website and sign the petition to let your voice be heard!

Whichever way things go in November, Gina and I are going to proceed with our lesbian wedding, and we will keep you posted through it all.

The next step is going to be plotting and planning our lesbian wedding, our big day, the honeymoon, and then ‘waiting for November’. Right now we are living in limbo and waiting for June 17th so that we can make an appointment to get our marriage license. Then from there we can set a date and go from there. There is still a possibility that the anti-gay initiatives will stop the licenses from being issued before then, so we won’t terminate our Domestic Partnership (article). As you might guess, I have been surfing online and finding out everything I need to know to make the process go as smooth as possible. FYI, here is where you can get information on obtaining a marriage license in Los Angeles County. For those couples who are planning their own gay or lesbian wedding, here is a list of books from Amazon with information on planning your gay marriage and more:

Amazon.com Widgets

The next few months are going to be interesting to say the least, and I am looking forward to a beautiful wedding day and relaxing honeymoon!

The guest list is longer than we thought it would be, and finding a reception area with one month notice is asking for a miracle… but, after the California Supreme Court ruling on May 15th, I know that miracles can happen.

Stay tuned for part two, the Plotting and Planning of My Lesbian Wedding.

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

Zazzle Merchandise Made by Lesbian Mommy

2008-05-29T16:31:00.001-07:00

create & buy custom products at Zazzle

I'm Turning into an Angry Lesbian

2008-05-22T11:25:00.001-07:00

Happy Go Lucky 366
Originally uploaded by Repoort

Hello world… how are things?? I hope that all is going well for you and yours.

Unfortunately my friends, despite the fact that California recently granted rights to gay and lesbian couples to wed in our state, things have not been going that well for me. You may have noticed that I haven’t posted here since March, although I did write an article for Lesbiatopia about Buddy G.tv that you can read here. I have to be honest with you all that the reason that I haven’t been writing online lately is because I have had a lot of things happen in my life lately that have slowly but surely turned me into an Angry Lesbian. This is mostly because I have been overwhelmed with situations in my life that call for me to deal with other people in highly emotional situations. During these situations, many times homophobic words will come out of a person’s mouth that first and foremost stuns me, and secondly sends me into an angry spin! I didn’t want to post anything un-productive on this blog and basically I needed some time to blow off some steam.

To see another human being hurt or suffering causes me deep sorrow and angst; and to know that someone would cause another to suffer intentionally is something that flat out makes me mad.

I have always been the type to help another in need if I could, and I find myself coming to someone’s aid more and more these days. With this deep sense of wanting to help the world and those who are less fortunate, it pains me to know that I myself and the rest of the LGBT community are truly less fortunate when it comes to simple and basic rights that we would have if only we were straight. I am very blessed to have had opportunities to grow and evolve as a person and reach the point that I am at in my life. On the other hand, I walk my life knowing that others around me could possibly want to keep their kids away from me or my children; that I could be denied seating, jobs, a proper greeting from wait staff and many other ‘minor’ things – only IF they find out that I am a lesbian. Most of the time in my mind I am saying to myself, “Do I tell them? Do I not? Do I let them find out on their own?” Well you might guess what me and my hot-headed self over here decides to do – I always tell ‘em.

I live my life ‘out of the closet’ and anybody who cares to notice can tell that Gina and I are a couple, and lately that has been working completely out of our favor.

I have a younger sister who is 15 years old and recently came to live with us. Through all of this stress it comes to light that my father was living under the impression that Gina and I were only ‘roommates’. I wrote an article about it here called The Pain of Having a Homophobic Parent. Within the same week I also got an email from a blog directory that I have submitted all of my blogs to in the past called Blog Explosion. This site proceeded to tell me that this blog, Lesbian Mommy, was declined for their directory because of nudity. I was so confused! There is no nudity on this site, but the photos of two girls kissing in my posts about The Reasons I Like Being a Lesbian were on the homepage at the time so I speculate that’s what it was. The funny thing is that if you read that post, the photo I am referring to is of the two Flavor of Love girls – New York and Pumpkin (both straight) – and the article simply comments on how the media portrays the LGBT community in comparison to the straight community. Then around the same timeframe my wife and I come to find out that we weren’t invited to a family members baby shower because we are gay. Okay – that one hurt! So I have all these things happening at once and then a homophobic anonymous poster on Lesbiatopia posted hateful messages and really sent me on a spin!! Here are the related comments and you can see how that played out:

Anonymous said... May 7, 2008 7:34 PM
Lesberita--

normal people don't think about transgendered issues because we don't care. and when we do think about them, it's because faggots do something stupid like try to teach a nine year old that HE is a faggot too.

1. Paula the Surf Mom said... May 8, 2008 3:26 AM
You know Anon I realize that you choose to use the word faggot to shock and deliberately cause offense and also to show that somehow you think you self superior, but in reality all you just did here was expose your ignorance to the world and let our reader know that there are still people like you out, that need to be educated and challenged.

I can also see from your comment that someone who lives life in a manner quite different that you do represents a threat to you, a threat to your ego in the sense that maybe your own choices may prove not to be optimal.

Yes Anon I see nothing but fear in your comment, a fact that was only emphasized by you choosing not to leave your name. Could it be you know that most “normal people” reading your comment will view your use of the word faggot in this context as ignorant? Did not want to be held responsible for your comment because you know that expressing your thoughts as you just did that most “normal people” will think you nothing but a stupid bigot?

Yes I can see you hate “faggots” but I can also see you know that ‘normal people” hate bigots.

2. Paula the Surf Mom said... May 8, 2008 3:40 AM
here is another thought for you Anon...

Someday the way the Haverford school system handled this situation with be the way all school systems handle it, because they would rather piss off anonymous ignorant bigots like you then see anymore dead kids and that you can take to the bank.

5. Anonymous said... May 8, 2008 8:08 PM
dear paul the surf retard,

shove fucking off. i was mildly amused by your gay-rights-handbook psychoanalysis, but your theories are pretty silly considering we don't know each other.

also, your prediction about "all school systems" is absurd. if you step out of your fag community bubble for five minutes, you'll find that everyone who is not a hippy or die-hard leftist thinks your lifestyle is filthy.

-anon

p.s. shut up randomkid.

7. ~Julie Phineas~ said... May 8, 2008 8:57 PM
WOW that anon person is really angry at gays... you know what that means ladies - anon is projecting! And you know what, I put my name out there and yes I'm a big faggot lesbo - oooh big deal. I still have to pay my freakin taxes!! So I have as much a right to live my life being what you call 'filthy' as you do being an asshole - yeah I said it, so piss off and go find some bigot blog to post on. You know you only found this site cause you were lookin for lesbian pics anyway - well here you go you got us!! And guess what ANON, we care about everyone's rights, even yours, so leave the 9 yr old kid and Paula alone, and feel free to find another forum for your unproductive opinion.

Peace and Blessings to You and Yours ANON!

Signed,

~Julie Phineas~

8. ~Julie Phineas~ said... May 8, 2008 9:01 PM
PS Dear Lesbiatopia...I'm sorry for yelling. Please resume your lesbian reading duties. Thank You. ~JP~

So as you can see I was a ‘lil mad. =0( Sorry Lesbiatopia readers!!! I really don’t like to feel the way that these situations were making me feel and I seriously noticed the anger building up inside of me at all of these homophobic experiences, which was starting to spill out of me.

Even still something even more dramatic was to follow, and really put me to the test as an Angry Lesbian – I was discriminated against in Family Court.

A routine child support modification was already worked out between my ex-husband and myself and all we had to do was get a new order from the judge. Instead, the judge ordered that my domestic partner and I are not to claim the two children on our taxes even though they live with us, because – and I quote – we “won’t be getting rights anytime soon”. The judge said some other derogatory things and had a very hateful attitude towards Gina and myself. As you can imagine I was pretty angry at the judge for her snappy comments such as telling me that I am “giving my children away to my domestic partner and throwing money in the trash”. (Mind you, she didn’t even look at our taxes or my ex-husband’s taxes so she had no clue as to what our tax refunds looked like.) The hardest part of the whole experience was the way she talked down to Gina, who was in the audience, when she has been raising the children with me since they were in diapers. The judge treated her like she was someone I met in the hallway.

When you are standing before a judge in a court of law, there is no room for anger, backtalk, or emotional outbursts.

There were so many things that I truly wanted to say to the judge, and everything in me wanted to defend my wife’s honor and my own pride by snapping back with a dose of Truth. What is horrible in this situation is that I knew if I said anything to defend myself I would have been risking custody of my children. When I tried to present any argument to her judgment she dismissed me with a wave of her hand and made me out to look like a bad mother for having a domestic partner. At a certain point, I just put my paperwork away and sat there and took it. I let her make her judgment, and walked out of the court. That evening I contacted the ACLU, and in the following days contacted the NCLR, HRC and other gay and lesbian activism websites for legal advice and basically to report the incident to them. It was sad to find that this particular case of discrimination by a lesbophobic judge is not rare at all, and many lesbian moms have been discriminated against in a court of law, even losing custody of their children at times because of their sexual orientation. This of course, just makes me even more angry. Arrgh.

What’s a lesbian to do???

I can’t imagine how the couples who are together for decades have done it, but I decided to look into some serious therapies so that this anger does not consume my life. First and foremost I Google’d the keyword ‘anger management’ and found a great site with an article called Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You that has some great insights and advice on managing anger. Plus I picked up a book I have read before called The Anger Diet. When I read the book before, I just brushed over it and didn’t sit down to do the exercises, promising my self to do them at a later date. Well it seems that date is now because I really need to let some of this anger go. I already have in a way, because I am determined to live my life and be happy.

No person can stop me from loving my wife and that is another big win for team lesbian. *wink*

But I am also taking some extra measures to avoid the pitfalls of being an Angry Lesbian, such as possibly being held in contempt of court. I have to work on the situation with my father, and I’m not going to stop blogging because one site says girls’ kissing is nudity. Plus anonymous commenter’s can’t spew hate on this blog because I moderate my comments anyway!

On the inside though, I’ve got a ways to go before I can be ‘okay’ with the way that things are for the LGBT community. I’d like to see the straight community make more of an effort to show support for LGBT rights, so that things with the LGBT community can be ‘okay’. But mostly, I’d like to know that the friends and family of gay and lesbian couples across California will stand by us when elections come in November so that the rights for us to marry here aren’t taken away. I guess we’ll see what happens! Until then, to turn my anger into something productive, I created a T-shirt on Zazzle for angry lesbians below:

Angry Lesbian T-Shirt
by

life_changes

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

I also created a coffee mug here and a bumper sticker here. They all say "Angry Lesbian." on them and you can customize the products for your personal taste. I felt like this was a good way for me to get my emotions out without hurting anyone in the process, so I hope that you'll enjoy these items. That being said, thank you for taking the time to read this post. Stay tuned for more on my up and coming Lesbian Wedding, and stay well in the meantime!

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

The Reasons I Like Being a Lesbian

2008-03-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well my friends… here you have it. I am about to bust out with a serious display of lesbian pride and give you a list of reasons why I like being a lesbian!

I am also going to keep it real and give you a list of reasons why I don’t like being a lesbian too! (All in good fun of course. *wink) Now, you may or may not have read my article on Lesbiatopia.com or Olivia.com which is titled How I Became a Lesbian Mom. To give you a short idea of that post, I talked about how I committed to my partner Gina after divorcing the father of my two children. The marriage to my children’s father lasted about five years, and at this point in my life Gina and I have been in a committed relationship for five years. Today, at this point in the game, I can stop and reflect on the differences between being in a committed lesbian relationship and being in a straight relationship. It’s truly interesting and funny to me to think about how my life has gone from one end of the rainbow to the other end of it – and I mean that literally!

I hope that you will enjoy reading what I think are the best things about being a lesbian.

Just keep in mind that these insights are based on my own personal experiences as a lesbian, and are not intended to be taken as advice or reasons to become a lesbian. That is totally up to you!! Whether you are a lesbian or not, I don’t mean to provide this list to help others figure out their own sexual orientation. I just thought it would be a good read because I noticed some funny things about lesbian life that made me realize that I really like being a lesbian as compared to being in a straight relationship. Before I guess you could say I didn’t want to fall into some type of ‘man hater’ category of lesbians, and I truly don’t want that to be the case now. But honestly, there are some perks to lesbian life and I sometimes feel like being a lesbian is a luxury! So that being said, I decided to share some thoughts I had about being a lesbian, and the reasons why I like being a lesbian.

I thought I would start off by sharing this video that I found on YouTube that was made by a lesbian in Norway called The 10 Best Reasons to Be a Lesbian.

**Caution: she uses adult language so if you have children around you right now be aware before watching.

The woman in this video speaks from the butch perspective and talks about how it is nice for her not to have wear makeup to impress men, and other reasons she chose to be a lesbian. My list of reasons to be a lesbian (or rather the 5 reasons why I like being a lesbian) are from the perspective of a femme lesbian in a relationship with a butch lesbian.

So now that you know that, here is the list that I put together with the pros of being a lesbian; or good things about being a lesbian from my perspective:

#1 The number one thing I have to say is the best thing about being a lesbian is that you can SHARE STUFF! Gina and I can share most items that are geared towards women such as facial products, body wash, shoes, hair styling accessories, and clothing. So for example say I am tired of the scent of my body spray… I still have her collection of body sprays to choose from! We can choose from each others hair accessories, lotions, jewelry, and sometimes clothes and shoes fit the both of us and we can share. This did not happen when I was in a straight marriage! Plus, there are many things that Gina and I can buy one of and share like women's vitamins, hair color, Midol, etc.

#2 The next best thing about being a lesbian is the unique advantages. This includes advantages such as having a knowledgeable female on hand to turn to for female things such as help with a pedicure, or home breast exam. Because we are both females we can go into the women's restroom together, and sometimes we can pass ourselves off as being ‘just friends’ in places that are not-so-gay-friendly. Another unique advantage to being a lesbian is that straight women tend not to view you as a threat for stealing their man and are more likely to be friendly rather than, how can I say it… bitchy. LOL

#3 The third reason I like being a lesbian is because instead of a spare room, we’ve got a spare womb!! When it comes to having another baby and expanding our family I can totally pass the buck to her! There are more reproductive options actually, it's quite suprising. Either one of us could carry a child, or we could both carry at the same time. We could even opt to have one of us carry and the other take medication to make her lactate and breastfeed. This was definitely not happening in a straight relationship, although in a Transgendered relationship it is possible to have a 'spare womb' as well.

#4 Next I would have to say a difference between the straight relationship that I had and the lesbian relationship that I am committed to now would be that we do a lot more stuff together. Since we are the same gender we enjoy many of the same things, have a similar perspective on certain ideas, and seem to be pushing the same agenda in life. We both enjoy shopping together and watching The L Word, plus we both don’t mind watching ’chick flicks’. We both like to watch The Oxygen Channel and Lifetime too; and we both have the type of relationship with chocolate and carbs that only a woman could appreciate. We shop from the same stores for clothes, shoes, and personal products; and we can both appreciate some good Tupperware and a good pair of tweezers. As you can imagine, we have very many of the same interests and because of this we spend a lot of our time doing things together rather than apart.

#5 The number 5 reason I like being a lesbian is having someone to talk to. Being a lesbian I have another female to talk to, share stories with, discuss makeup and hair styles with, get fashion tips from, and spill gossip to. When I ask Gina what she thinks about my outfit, I have confidence in her answer! Plus, I trust the advice that she gives me on hair styles to try, or makeup tricks to apply. I don’t have to pick up the phone to call my best girl friend for advice or gossip, I have access to her around the clock! Plus, because my spouse is another female, she understands me and my unique concerns as a female (and vice versa!). One big difference I noticed is that as a lesbian there is less pressure to maintain a certain weight or image as a ‘trophy wife’. The most important issue to my wife is my happiness, and she understands when I get caught up in emotional eating, obsessing over losing weight, or other things tied to image. We give each other a break from having to be ‘superwoman to society’, and can understand each others mood swings and irrational behavior around certain times of the month. I can always turn to her no matter what I am going through, and she can always come to me for support as well. We know that each understands the other. This is one of the biggest bonuses in our relationship.

Okay, so there you have it! Now here is my list of reasons why I don’t like being a lesbian, and for extra fun this time I am going to go backwards!

#5 The number 5 reason I don’t like being a lesbian is this… loving another woman keeps me on my toes! Batting my eyelashes to get my way doesn’t work because she can do the same right back, and leaving a trail of lingerie to the bed is not viewed by another woman as sexy it’s viewed as laundry. *LOL Plus, she really notices my fashion faux pa’s and bad hair days, and I get no sympathy for my PMS since she has to deal with the same thing. Both of us can be stubborn and emotional, and we both cry at weddings. Our house can be ‘all feelings all the time’, and sometimes it feels like I have stepped into an episode of The L Word with all the lesbian drama.

#4 The fourth reason that I don’t like being a lesbian is because it can be hard to know which ‘role’ to take in the relationship. In my past straight relationships, the roles were assumed for the most part. Gina and I had to decide which of us would be in charge of taking out the trash, taking the children to and from school, preparing meals, handling the finances, etc. Sometimes there are roles that we both expected to fit, such as being invited to baby showers, and Tupperware parties; and there are also roles that neither of us are expected to fit such as when it comes to handling automotive repairs or heavy lifting. I imagine that every relationship whether a gay, straight, or transgendered relationship has some level of determining the roles of each partner; but this is one part of being a lesbian that I do not like. In my past straight relationships I remember feeling frustrated at the assumptions of roles based on gender. Now, in a committed lesbian relationship I feel frustrated that we are still expected to maintain certain roles as women by society, when that is not the case in our daily life. The roles can be very unclear because society has no precedence set for the roles in LGBT families. In school my children are clearly taught to give mommy flowers on mother’s day and daddy a tie on father’s day. There is never a thought to the possibility of gay families with two moms or two dads, or for that matter families with a grandmother as the mother figure, an older sibling as the parent, or that a dad might appreciate flowers rather than a tie and vice versa. The issue of roles is very frustrating to me and one of the downers of being gay, because discussing the issue of ‘who takes which roles’ in the relationship can be an emotional power struggle… add in the fact that we are two stubborn and emotional women and then you can understand why this is the fourth reason that I don’t like being a lesbian.

#3 The third reason I don't like being a lesbian is because the female health concerns are doubled in our household! As we grow old together, Gina and I are guaranteed to face menopause together twice, plus we face double the risk of facing infertility, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer, breast cancer, and other female health problems. On a smaller scale we deal with double the PMS and associated mood swings, and double the bill on feminine products and medications. Plus with two women fighting off the signs of aging we spend twice as much on feminine anti aging products than a straight couple would spend.

#2 The number two reason that I do not like being a lesbian is because of the negative media portrayal of gays and lesbians, and the existence of Lesbophobia.

Many times you will see straight women kissing each other for attention which is somehow okay, but the LGBT community is usually portrayed in a sexual context which leads to the common mis-perception that we are "sexual deviants". As a result my wife's and my existence are considered mature content and not suitable for children. (hilarious isn't it!?) For example, a cartoon of Postcards From Buster showed a two mom family and was protested so heavily that it never made air. It has also happened more times than we know that people who have a mis-perception about the LGBT community have resorted to violence against us to prove their mis-informed point.

#1 And the Number One Reason that I Don't Like Being a Lesbian is... getting hit on by guys for threesomes!!! I don't know what makes a man think that it's OK to ask if he can come home with us once he finds out we are committed lesbians. I never had a man ask me if he could come home with us when I was in a straight relationship! LOL Anyhoo... yeah, I could live without that factor.

So there you have it! Being a lesbian has its ups and downs like any relationship should, LOL. I think that lesbian life is for me personally, and I have finally found my calling!

I hope you enjoyed reading about the reasons that I like being a lesbian, and the reasons that I don't like being a lesbian as well. Feel free to comment on this post and let us know what you like about being a lesbian from your own personal perspective, or for that matter if you are gay or trans let us know what's good from your perspective as well! Thank you for visiting, and I hope that you visit again soon. Stay well!

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

Lesbians and PCOS

2008-03-13T02:09:00.000-07:00

*
Originally uploaded by simpsontwin

I knew that I had PCOS before I knew I was a lesbian.

I read an article in a magazine that talked about PCOS and I had many of the symptoms that were mentioned in that article. Honestly at the time I just thought I was imagining things and didn’t look into it at all; I pretty much forgot about the article until later on. The many symptoms I had would eventually make me prone to miscarriage and infertility, amongst many other things. After losing a few pregnancies in the early weeks, I was blessed to have the two children that I have now. I was diagnosed with PCOS (which stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) after I had my first child, because that was when I started to get really sick. It started slowly at first, just a couple of days off of work for the flu here and there. Then other health problems started to come up, and my being sick was starting to look like a trend.

It was hard to diagnose at first, because I kept being directed to doctors who were trained for my symptoms, but not in the cause.

What I didn’t know when I read that article was how new the illness was to the medical world. None of my doctors put all of my symptoms together to discover a single cause. I had seen a cardiologist, urologist, and neurologist, when what I needed to diagnose me was a gynecologist! Fortunately much time has passed since then and people are taking this illness a little more seriously. I myself had to take this illness seriously as soon as I had my children. When I started to see my health decline I was especially worried for them. I fought for my health to be here for them and I had to do my homework to figure out how to keep this illness from impacting my family life in a negative way.

During my research on PCOS I was astonished to find that the 32% of heterosexual women have polycystic ovaries but in lesbian women the occurrence is a whopping 80%!!!(article)

Eighty percent is pretty darn close to one hundred percent in my book! That’s a lot of lesbians with polycystic ovaries!! Are you a lesbian? Do you have polycystic ovaries?? If so, you could also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The studies show that 14% of the heterosexual women in their study had PCOS, while lesbian women in the study with PCOS were a drastically higher 38%.

Here is what the U.S. Department of Health Women’s Health website has to say about PCOS:

Polycystic ovary syndrome can affect a woman's menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. About one in ten women of childbearing age has PCOS. PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility (not being able to get pregnant). The cause of PCOS is unknown. Women with PCOS tend to have a mother or sister with PCOS. Researchers also think insulin could be linked to PCOS. For many women with PCOS, their bodies have problems using insulin so that too much insulin is in the body. Excess insulin appears to increase production of androgen. This hormone is made in fat cells, the ovaries, and the adrenal gland. Levels of androgen that are higher than normal can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and problems with ovulation.

Here is a list of common symptoms of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome:

-Irregular or No Periods and/or Irregular Bleeding

- Pelvic Pain and/or Pain during Intercourse

- Infertility and Higher Rates of Miscarriage, Gestational Diabetes, Pre-Eclampsia, and Premature Delivery

- Increased Hair Growth in Unwanted Areas (Hirsutism), Male Pattern Baldness or Thinning Hair (Alopecia)

- Skin Tags and Darkened Patches of Skin

- Acne, Oily Skin, or Dandruff

- Weight Gain and/or The Inability to Lose Weight

If you are a lesbian, you have a high likelihood of developing PCOS!

If you find that you are suffering from some of the above mentioned symptoms, don’t be like me – do something about it now, don’t put it off! Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome can lead to other health problems as well such as High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, Thyroid Problems, Insulin Resistance, and/or Type 2 Diabetes. Fifty percent of women with PCOS will develop Type 2 Diabetes which in turn can lead to Cardiovascular Disease, Kidney Failure, Vision Loss, Circulation Problems, and Liver Damage. Plus, women with PCOS are at a higher risk for Endometrial Cancer, Heart Attack, and Stroke… gee, doesn't this all sound so sexy???

If you are facing these symptoms, see your gynecologist ASAP to develop a program for you that will tackle this illness head on.

There is no cure for Polycystic Ovaries, but you can manage your symptoms and reduce the risks for developing more serious illnesses later on. One of the most important goals in treatment should be to have a regular period each month. When you have PCOS, the fundamental problem is that regular ovulation does not occur and most time you can find that there are cysts on your ovaries. These seem to be eggs that were not able to fully leave the ovary like with normal ovulation. This triggers a domino effect because then you don't have your period, your hormones get out of whack, and it triggers symptoms throughout your body which are basically a response to the imbalance of hormones in the body. Not having your period once in a while, say during pregnancy, is okay. But if you are going years with irregular or missing periods, this contributes to the thickening of your vaginal walls - thus the increased risk for Endometrial Cancer. (I know I know - more sexxy talk!)

Seriously my friends, if you (or a woman you know) is facing the possibility of PCOS you have to become aware of this!

idbracelets
Originally uploaded by A Touch of Glass

Studies are now showing that women with PCOS are highly likely to have a mother or sister with PCOS. My family history will show that my maternal grandmother (who died at age 37) had ovarian cysts. She died from an aneurysm, and also had severe migraines and vision loss in one eye. My mother at this moment is a young age 52, yet she has been plagued with medical problems her whole life. I can recall her losing babies during pregnancy when I was growing up and basically being sick her whole life. Now she is living on dialysis and with cardiovascular disease as a result of her diabetes. I have 4 sisters as well, and we all have our own form of female problems. All of these women - my grandmother, mother, myself and 4 sisters – have had to work within a medical world unaware of the big picture of PCOS. I myself was very diligent in getting care because my symptoms were pretty severe. I have had a lot of doctors look at me like I was an idiot and even tell me that I need to stop believing everything I read on the internet. (*LOL) Now things are different, and there is more comprehensive care; plus there is more research being done on PCOS as well.

This is how they found that there is link between PCOS and lesbians; the study was done between 2001 and 2003.

The findings that 80% of lesbian women in the study suffer from polycystic ovaries raised the question of whether this hormonal imbalance could contribute to our sexuality. I have had people ask me the probing question of why I think I am a lesbian, and I have to say that this is a whole new blog post, my friends! What I will say on this right now though, is that this for sure is an interesting line of questioning to pursue!! What I can contribute to this is that I have 4 sisters with female medical concerns, plus myself as well… and we are all gay. Well, I have one sister who has a husband but he is aware that she is a lover of women as well. (*wink) So yeah… LOL. That’s a fun fact for you that might make you wonder what’s really going on here, just like I do! I mean, why do so many lesbians have cysts on their ovaries, and why are all my mother’s daughters lesbians?? Hmmmm…

In any case, that question will take it’s time to get answered and in that meantime, I am here dealing with the fact that I am a lesbian with PCOS.

Like I mentioned above, there is no cure for this illness. The good news is that you can reduce your symptoms and manage your condition with some simple lifestyle changes. Remember that the main goal is to ovulate regularly, which you will know is happening when you have a regular menstrual cycle. There are a lot of different types of medication that a doctor can prescribe for you when you have PCOS. Some medications are for you to have a period, stop having your period, birth control, fertility pills, and/or diabetes medication. Sometimes you will need minor surgical procedures, alternative medicine treatments, and/or hormonal intervention.

If you do your own research on the internet you will find that PCOS is only the tip of the iceberg – there is also Auto Immune Syndrome, Metabolic Syndrome, and Insulin Resistance to look into as well. PCOS is a hormonal imbalance and hormones act like triggers for many functions in our body. When you have an imbalance of hormones it affects many different areas of your body. Every woman has a unique program they have to follow to achieve their desired results within their given circumstances.

Here are some things that you can do on your own to help manage your symptoms if you do have PCOS:

1. Recognize that you have what is called an “Invisible Illness”. Nobody can see that you are sick from the outside, including yourself. There is a lot going on under the surface that you have to be mindful of. Recognize that you have an illness and make your health a priority! (Read my article titled My Invisible Illness here.)

2. Make great efforts to reduce the amount of stress in your life! Stress reduction is a HUGE factor in balancing the hormones in your body because stress does its own hormonal damage aside from any you might experience as a result of PCOS. Stress + PCOS = Hormonal Havoc. Read more on the impact of stress in women here. (The most stressful period of my life was the years of going through a divorce and coming out as a lesbian – this was also when I had the most visits to the hospital!)

3. Get plenty of rest! Sleep has its own hormonal contribution to your health, so make sure to get enough of it. Changes in the way you sleep, how often and how long you sleep, and what time of day you sleep can disrupt your body’s chemistry so this is something to keep aware of. If I don’t get a good night of sleep, I will feel very sick in the morning. If I get a good night of sleep then I am okay. Part of the reason I started to get sick so often after having my first baby was because that was the end of a good nights sleep! For women with PCOS who have a baby to wake to each night, be sure to take the advice “Sleep when the baby sleeps”!

4. Diet and Exercise are important to everybody’s health, but to women with PCOS even more so. Insulin and sugar levels have a lot to do with how you feel and maintaining a balance is crucial! In all honesty there is no need to add sugar into our food at all, except out of pure love for a sweet taste. Avoiding processed and sugary foods is a smart thing for everybody to do! Women with PCOS have a greater interest in avoiding sugar since the consequences are so severe. We have to take it a step further and avoid any food item (even a natural unprocessed food item) that will raise our glucose levels. Watch out for anything that is high in carbs. I tell you, if I eat a too many potatoes or carrots I will get reeaalllly sleepy. Can anyone say sugar coma?? Focus on complex carbs which have more fiber such as whole-grain products. A simple change from white bread to wheat bread can make a significant difference in your health! Foods made with Splenda instead of sugar are a smarter choice and so is taking a daily multi-vitamin. In addition, exercise helps to lower blood sugar levels and even a small loss in body weight can make a woman's cycle more regular.

5. Reduce the amount of environmental toxins you expose yourself to and drink plenty of water. In our current society we are practicing a lot of habits that man was not naturally intended to. There are so many man-made elements involved in our daily life that it’s easy to overlook the impact that they might have on us long term. The bottom line is that women with PCOS can benefit greatly from reducing their exposure to toxins in foods, the environment, and in the personal products that they use as well. Labeling laws are not in favor of the consumer, so I try to stay away from packaged food items in general, as much as I can. If you live near a store like Whole Foods or Trader Joes, that is a good place to start for more natural food items. I also purchase nature-based home and personal care products from a members only catalog online. I am starting to see products like these available in the stores more as well such as with Seventh Generation and Method brand household products. In addition, drinking plenty of water is a good way to flush some of the toxins from your body and replenish any fluids you may have lost throughout your day.

6. You might also want to look into alternative therapies for your symptoms. Holistic healing methods address illness through the whole body and can help to alleviate many symptoms. Detoxification, such as with detox foot pads, is something I encourage but you should discuss this with your doctor. Other ideas are daily meditation, deep tissue massage, and aromatherapy.

7. Take some time to work on YOU. The emotional side effects of PCOS are real. Dealing with the unattractive side effects of polycystic ovaries does a number on your self esteem and depression is common. Anxiety and the tendency to withdraw socially are common as well. To alleviate this you have to make the time to work on your appearance, talk to someone, have a picnic, go for a road trip, and basically enjoy life! If you can afford it, regular waxing and facials can be a big boost to your self esteem. Dancing is a great way to let off some steam and get in some cardio at the same time as well. Be creative and tap into your passions to find emotional outlets that work for you. Reach out to others and create a network of friends you can count on for support when you need it.

If you are a woman with PCOS, lesbian or straight, be sure to reach out for support and to learn from others who have the same condition.

Some websites where you can reach out to others with PCOS are:

PCOList.org – The Lavender List
PCOS.net
Daily Strength.org
Soul Cysters.net
Project PCOS

Plus you can visit the following websites for more information:

Lesbian Health Info.org
Insulite Labs
Women to Women
4Women.gov
Polycystic Ovaries.org
PCOS Info at MayoClinic.com
INCIID
PCOSupport
and
www.Hormone.org

You can also reach out to me as well!

I have another blog here on Blogger called Wellness is Wholeness (here) where I post about what I have learned on my journey towards health and wellness. Plus I keep my favorite health and wellness graphics in my MySpace photo album. There is a discussion group for this blog and for my wellness blog also where you can chat with other readers and with myself as well, links are at the bottom of each blog.

I’ve had my ups and downs with PCOS and can point you in the right direction if you are facing this same condition.

Whether you are a lesbian with PCOS, a straight woman with PCOS, or any woman who is facing infertility, I strongly suggest the lifestyle changes that I mentioned to you above. If you are dealing with an aggressive form of PCOS then you might have to take more drastic measures. I felt a lot of relief of my symptoms after I had a laparoscopy a few years ago, and have managed to avoid medication thus far. Not stressing out when life gets rough is a big factor as well. Like I said, each woman’s situation is unique so confer with your doctor to see what is best for you.

Thank you so much for reading this article on Lesbians and PCOS, and for visiting the Lesbian Mommy blog. I hope that this post has helped some of you, and brought some awareness to those of use who are dealing with PCOS. Take care until the next post and thank you again for reading!

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

Estate Planning for Committed Lesbians

2008-02-28T12:26:00.001-08:00

Paper Clips!
Originally uploaded by Tyler Howarth

As a lesbian mom, I have unique concerns when it comes to my legal issues and financial estate.

I am in a committed lesbian relationship with children from a previous marriage. The issues of child custody, visitation and support are a given whenever children are involved in a relationship. However, a heterosexual marriage is afforded many rights automatically upon union whereas a same-sex relationship has limited to zero rights in many parts of the world. Whenever a person enters a committed relationship they are entering a form of partnership. There are certain responsibilities relevant to the relationship that each party is expected to maintain. The government sometimes has laws and/or programs in place to provide aid and support to those people who might need it if they are experiencing problems with their relationship/partnership. The concerns of the gay and lesbian community are not included in many government systems, and in some parts of the world homosexuality is frowned upon and sometimes illegal, which means zero rights and support for the gay men and lesbian women in committed relationships.

I am fortunate enough to live in an area of the world that offers access to aid and support for the needs of my relationship/partnership concerns.

I have to say that Estate Planning is a must for any family with children, and any persons in a committed relationship. Now when I say committed I mean committed! I don’t mean the girl that you U-hauled with last week, or the guy you’ve been dating on and off for a month. What I am saying is that if you have a stable and healthy relationship and you want to make it permanent (or at least semi-permanent LOL) then you need to consider Estate Planning.

Gay and Lesbian Estate Planning is a whole new frontier!

The goal in taking this path is to provide some security for your estate in the future; especially during the unforeseen ‘hard times’. If you are raising children together, this should take a priority in your life because you have to provide a secure future for them regardless of whether times are hard or not! You can read more about Estate Planning on Wikipedia where you will find a portal with links to all things related to Estate Planning in general.

Be sure to look into information about:

~passing the greatest amount of estate possible to beneficiaries
~paying the least amount of taxes
~avoiding involvement in probate court
~providing for and designating guardians for minor children
and
~planning for disability or incapacity

There are a few special concerns for Gays and Lesbian when it comes to Estate Planning and planning for retirement:

LGBTI individuals are less likely to have strong family support systems in place to have relatives to care for them during aging. They are twice as likely to enter old age living as a single person; and two and a half times more likely to live alone. Because institutionalized homophobia as well as cultural discrimination and harassment still exist, they are less likely to access health care, housing, or social services or when they do find the experience stressful or demeaning. - Gay and Lesbian Retirement on Wikipedia

There are many resources available to those of you in the LGBT Community when it comes to securing the future of your ‘estate’.

Because the rights of gays and lesbians are limited in most areas, you will have to research what LGBT rights are available to you in your area. As for myself, I am a divorced mom in a long term committed lesbian relationship in the State of California. I have access to Domestic Partnership which we did file to legalize our relationship. We had to go to a notary to sign the paperwork and then take it downtown and file it. It wasn’t a big deal when you look at the process, but we are a legal relationship in the eyes of the State which IS a big deal when you consider others who don’t have this freedom. Our status as Domestic Partners gives us the opportunity to qualify for health benefits for the family through Gina’s job which was a big saving grace on our finances. Some places offer limited marriage rights thru Civil Unions, while others offer full marriage rights thru Same Sex Marriage. To find out what the rights are available to you in your area visit this site.

Other things to look into if you are a lesbian in a committed relationship:

~Legal Name Change for Matching Last Names

~Power of Attorney for Authorization to Legally Act on Each Other’s Behalf

~Durable or Medical Power of Attorney for Authorization to Make Medical Decisions on Each Other’s Behalf Up Until Death

~Living Will or Advanced Directive to Make Note of Your Wishes upon Incapacity

~Last Will and Testament to Make Note of Your Wishes upon Death

~Living Trust to Ensure the Timely Settlement of Your Last Will

~Determining Your Financial Beneficiaries and Naming Them as Such on Your Bank Accounts, Retirement Fund or Pension, Life Insurance. (and anything else that pays a death benefit.)If you are fortunate enough to live in a country that offers Social Security Rights for the Gay Community then you should be sure to list your partner as a ‘permanent partner’ with the Social Security Department.

Plus you might venture into:

~Adopting a Child Together or Second Parent Adoption

One of the sponsors of this blog is Legal Zoom, because I personally use them for my legal needs.

This is not a lawyer service, but a legal preparation service. If you do not have the money to hire a lawyer and want to take the do-it-yourself route, then you should look into Legal Zoom. I'll give you an example of why you would want to do this. When I had my last name changed to match Gina's last name, I looked for info online and ended at Legal Zoom.

I ordered their Name Change package for $139 and what I got for that was:

~all the forms I needed
~precise instructions on how to fill out the forms
~the exact directions to follow to process my name change
~directions to the nearest court house and all the phone numbers I would need for filing fees, fee waivers, newspaper announcements, etc.
and
~complete information on what to do after my name change was complete such as for changing my passport and social security card, drivers license and more

There are also self-help resource centers in most court houses that can not give you 'advice' but can give you 'information'. They can review your forms with you and tell you what you need to do if you are not sure.

I recommend any time you have legal stuff to handle that you and your partner block some time out and make a day of it.

Prepare to get in line early, grab lunch together, bring a newspaper to read - whatever it is you do but it will take you lots of time to handle these things if you do it on your own - and bring your checkbook. If you have the finances for an attorney, make sure that it's a good one and save yourself the hassle by hiring them! If not, it can be frustrating to know that you are standing in line for 2 hours to change your name because you are gay. If you have to take the self-help approach to Gay and Lesbian Estate Planning, I say Legal Zoom and the Self Help Resource Center at the courthouse are huge resources for you!

Here are some other resources for you that you can take a look at online as well:

Why Gays and Lesbians Need Estate Planning
Article: Estate Planning for Gay Couples
Article: Estate Planning for Gay and Lesbian Couples
Estate Planning on Rainbow Law.com
Estate Planning for Gay and Lesbian Couples on Self Growth.com
Same Sex Estate Planning from LA Tax Lawyer.net
Domestic Partner Health Insurance 101
Estate Planning for Gay and Lesbian Couples Who have NOt Entered Into a Civil Union or Registered as Domestic Partners
GayLaw.org

Plus here are some books that I found on Amazon that might help you in your journeys:

A Legal Guide for Lesbian & Gay Couples
Estate Planning for Same-Sex Couples
Estate Planning for Domestic Partners
Valued Families: the Lesbian Mothers' Legal Handbook
Every Trick in the Book: The Essential Gay and Lesbian Legal Guide
and
Everyday Law for Gays and Lesbians: and Those Who Care about Them

Thank you very much for reading this article.

Securing your family's future is important whether you are gay or straight. Feel free to comment this post with any other ideas you might have for Estate Planning for the gay family. Plus you can always visit the discussion group for this blog on Yahoo! to discuss this article and connect with other readers. Thank you for visiting and please come back again soon. Take care and Much love!

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.

Shopping for A Two-Mommy Family

2008-02-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

In my adventures as a lesbian mom, I have realized that my life has changed on every single level since I became domestic partners with Gina.

Something that was a subtle change for me was my shopping habits. What I noticed when I shop now is that I am buying items for another woman as a spouse, and that I’ve joined a unique category as a consumer that isn’t always accommodated in the retail world. For example, when shopping for gifts for each other, my wife and I have had some pretty interesting experiences in explaining to the salespeople what we are looking for. We are totally cool with coming out to the people who are providing customer service so that they can help us find what we’re looking for. It’s mostly an issue for my wife, who is more butch than I am. Say she goes to a lingerie store looking for lingerie as a gift for me, the salesperson might nervously ask her “Is this item going to be for you… or will it be a gift?” *LOL My wife is not the lingerie-wearing type, nor is she the type to wear perfume; she wears cologne. The perfume counter might ask her something like “Is this item for your mother?” It’s a very subtle probing question, and I think the real issue is that some employees aren’t trained to be sensitive to the needs of shoppers who might not necessarily be out to purchase something for an opposite sex partner.

It’s not always the salespeople who are probing, sometimes it’s the other shoppers.

I’ll give you a great example of what I am talking about…

Today I went to Target and was shopping the Valentine Card section for cards for the wife and kids. Well there is not a Gay and Lesbian Gift Card Section so I was choosing a card from the section titled “wife”. The sensation of being watched crept up and I noticed that to the immediate left of me were 3 women reading cards in the “husband” section and one was eyeing me with curiosity. Maybe she knew I was gay, maybe not. Who knows, who cares. Point is – there should be a freakin’ Gay and Lesbian section for gift cards and everything else too!! *LOL

Although, buying clothes for each other is not so bad.

Most people don’t pay any mind to a woman who shops for clothes. (*wink) I think that going to the shoe store falls into the same category as clothes. Buying office supplies is unisex, and so is going to the mall or buying fast food. Another unisex shopping experience is going to any stores that have to do with the kids such as GameStop. (Nobody cares whether you are butch or femme at GameStop.)

Some funny shopping experiences are shopping for the house at places like Home Depot and for personal products at the pharmacy.

Like I said we are out so we are calling each other the usual pet names and holding hands like every other couple; plus the kids are calling both of us Mom so it’s no secret that we are a lesbian couple raising kids together. We pretty much go everywhere as a family together, and we'll all 4 be together at Home Depot and the workers will usually tell my partner all the instructions and details since she’s butch. They don't consider the fact that they should be talking to me because I'm the one with the lipstick on, when I’m the one who does the dirty work when the toilet needs a fixin’. That’s just how we roll - sometimes she bakes and sometimes I fix the toilet. (*LOL) Recently we had some fun with the people at CVS too, when we had to buy some pregnancy tests. Come on… you know they were wondering which one of us it was for! HAHAHA

Dining out, traveling, and checking into hotels is an interesting experience as well.

We went on a cruise to the Bahamas in 2006, and we stayed in Florida a few nights as well. We rented a car from the airport, stopped for breakfast at IHOP and checked into the Ramada. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife when my wife and I walked into those places. People will ask us if we are sisters and we're holding hands. Sometimes I would think to myself "Dude - you would rather believe I am kissing my sister than fathom that there are real live lesbians standing in front of you?" In any case, we’re aware of how others are looking at our actions so we are sure that we keep it real and don’t let people keep us from enjoying ours meals, etc.

Some places that I do like to go together are the spa, getting our hair done, and going to the beauty supply store.

The workers at these places are usually very welcoming to the both of us because we are both women, and this can be a refreshing retreat from Home Depot since we are being regarded as equals. (*smile) Another place that treats us this way is the internet so we do a LOT of shopping online. We don’t do our grocery shopping online, that’s one thing we like to do is go grocery shopping together. The only weird tensions come from other shoppers who actually care enough to realize that we are lesbian moms, and might be uncomfortable with it; but honestly that doesn’t happen that often at the Albertson’s that we go to. We’ve never had that experience at Ralph’s, although we do like to go to smaller type grocery stores sometimes and that’s always a toss up on how it’s gonna go.

The issue of shopping for a two mommy family has been a really subtle experience that I’ve noticed recently and thought that I would share with you.

I hope that this post has made you think a bit about how you shop. Every dollar you spend grows a business somewhere. Stores exist because of consumers and some of those consumers are gay! Companies should expand to include products for the LGBT community - and other under-represented communities as well - if they want to continue to prosper in the New Millennium. Society is evolving towards an attitude of acceptance and consumers like me notice the subtle differences.

Thank you so much for reading this post and I hope that you’ll visit again soon. Take care until next time! Sincerely, ~Julie Phineas~

About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more and view her photos by visiting her page on MySpace.