Chuckie Hacks

It Was a Great Run

2009-07-14T21:01:00.011-05:00

Yep, all good things must come to an end. Done. Finished. Over. Not a Favre-esque retirement, either. Our busy lives have allowed us only a half-assed effort for some time now. That’s no way to treat the best Wisconsin Sports Blog on the Interweb. Thus, we’re shuttin’ ‘er down.

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who has read/commented our garbage over the years. Especially Anonymous, that guy is awesome. We reached 400,000 hits, which is 380,000 more than I thought we would ever get. Thanks.

While we enjoy the ~~Albert Pujols Lovefest~~ All Star game, a retrospective celebrating CH is in order. Here’s some of our best/worst work since Day 1. I’ll now enter third person mode from here on out.

2007

Brad has an email read by Czaban on Bob and Brian. It was obvious at least 3 more people wanted to hear more of his thoughts. Chuckie Hacks is born.

Matt doesn’t hate Cubs fans, he pities them.

We get an inside scoop from a friend. Post it on Charles. It ends up on Brewerfan.net. Which starts a discussion on the very meaning of Brewerfan.net and blogs in general. Excellent.

Goldy signs free agent deal with Chuckie, makes the first of many Muppets reference.

The Chuckie Hacks fascination of mini-horses takes hold.

Matty Wise earns the first gas can reference in CH history!

Port Washington High School (Matt and Brads Alma mater) basketball goes to State. This happens with Hailey’s Comet-like regularity.

Matt documents Opening Day 2007 with this fantastic diary.

Deadspin picks up Brad’s “ESPN is a Fraud” post. Later, it will be mentioned in Deadspin founder Will Leitch’s book. No joke.

The gang votes on The Most Painful Moments in Wisconsin Sports History.

Matt predicts the Packers to go 3-13. They finish 13-3 and damn-near goes to the Super Bowl.

A harmless Marquette post turns into stories about Freeway trying to sexually molest people. This continues the quality content on Chuckie!

Ever meet “Captain D-Bag” on the links? Matt has.

Brad predicts the WIAA football playoffs based on mascots. His predictions go 1-6.

When GB was 11-2, Brad asks where the TT haters are. People get mad.

2008

CH management signs Woz off the waiver wire. He contributes immediately breaking down the MLB leaders in Cougar Poon.

Goldy, Matt and Woz vote Brent Favre as the best QB in football history. Their opinions may have changed since then. Well, at least Goldy's and Woz's.

Woz's life is complete - Gabe Kapler signs his Chipotle receipt!

Brad predicts the Brewers death on May 8th. Of course, they go on to make the playoffs.

We share a little bit of our not-so-interesting selves.

Brett Lawrie talks a big game - Woz comments on the size of his genitals.

A totally unbiased post on the Favre-Ted battle. Straight down the middle...totally unbiased.

Somebody likes Trenni. A lot.

Ned's infamous "Money Order." A great find by Matt.

We’ve been Yosted long enough. Ned gets fired. About 2 years too late, but fired indeed. Matt looks back at the Yost era.

The Milwaukee Brewers make the playoffs and party it up! The Kool Aid man dances!

Woz picks the Brewers over Philly in 4. Oops.

Goldy - probably not sending Favre a Xmas card this year.

A perfect College Football playoff is created in about 17 minutes. It's really not that hard.

The first (and only) Dave Parker Random CD of the Week. I really wish this would have taken off.

Chuckie Hacks gets mentioned on USA Today. Big time, folks. Big time.

2009

Chuckie Hacks represents at the Super Bowl

CH plays Summerfest, Goldy sets the playlist. From this day forward, whenever I hear Franz Ferdinand I think of Mark Mangino. Thanks, Goldy.

Actual research? On Chuckie?

OK Woz, this Trenni thing is out of control.

Exactly how do you lose to the same team 17 times in a row? Find out here.

Learning about us - Part II.

Woz heads to St Louis, good times follow.

Gym class was fun.

-----
In closing, go Brewers, Packers, Marquette, Bucky (I guess), Mini-horses, Gas Cans, Cobra Kai, Muppets, Obviously, and the Kansas City Bucks.

Peace.

St Louis' Mike Hunt

2009-07-14T11:56:00.002-05:00

H/T to Todd. Good lord, just read this beauty. It's terrible. I'm pretty sure if Pujols walked across the Mississippi river without getting wet, Cardinal fans would say "Yeah, he does that all the time," with a straight face. It finishes with a mention of Prince untucking his shirt, of course:

Cardinals fans warmed up to Prince and gave him applause worthy of a champion. Yes, even though Fielder untucked his shirt, just the way his Brewers do when they beat the Cardinals.

St. Louis cheered for Fielder, anyway. What a gracious and hospitable baseball town. Then again, Fielder was wearing a red jersey.

Prince Wins, JS Blog Responders Already Claiming this as a Bad Thing

2009-07-13T22:21:00.002-05:00

OK, I can't verify that title, but I am sure the yahoos on the J-S Brewers blog are already crying about how this is going to throw off Prince's swing for the second half of the season. In my opinion, that theory is a bunch of horseshit. If you ever watch BP, these guys are trying to jack bombs all the time.

Anyhow, congrats to Prince. He made a mostly unwatchable event watchable. I am also glad that he was still going strong at the end so Joe Morgan and his theory of Prince tiring out could suck it. Prince hit some bombs. The ones going towards the scoreboard were fun to watch. Many fair-weather Brewers fans are quick to crap on Prince for several unjustified reasons. I can understand why people are hitching their wagons to Braun because he signed the long term deal, but in my opinion, Prince is the heart and soul of the team. I also thought that it was pretty sweet that after he won, he untucked. Couldn't have happened in a better location. I am sure some random douchebag St. Louis writer is going to be complaining about this. I think the best thing to come out of this is that we now know that Prince's kids rock the Sideshow Bob hairstyle. Awesome.

In other news, Channel 12 reminded me that tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary of the Big Blue collapse. To be honest, the aftermath is one of the most surreal things I have ever seen in my life. My girlfriend and I were driving to Milwaukee from Madison the day after it happened and we drove past the stadium on I-94. It didn't even look real. I remember how the crane used to stand so majestically and you could see it from all over the city. The fact that it was the worlds largest crane was a source of pride. Seeing Big Blue draped over the first base side of the park and the associated damage was surreal. It seriously looked like a LEGO set that someone had partially knocked down. It's terrible that three guys died building our ballpark, however, I am amazed that there were not more deaths/injuries. Just a very scary thing and seeing the ballpark the day after is just one of those images burned into my mind.

On a more pleasant note, the MLB Network was showing the 1995 All Star Game from Arlington tonight. Wow, talk about a blast from the past. 1995 was the last year I played competitive baseball. As a senior in high school these were the players and styles I was trying to emulate. Thankfully I had a shaved head and wasn't rocking the 1995 Randy Johnson mullet. One highlight was muscular Ron Grant wearing a jersey that may fit Matt. Gant was a ripped dude and his jersey was probably a 38 or a 40. Kevin Appier was out on the mound for the AL following the Big Unit. That guy had a funky delivery. The most unfortunate moment was when Kirby Puckett was batting and they interviewed Dennis Martinez in the bullpen. If you recall, it was Martinez who accidentally hit Puckett in the face ending Kirby's career. Behind Molitor and Yount, Kirby was my favorite player, enough to name my first dog Kirby. But anyhow, it was great to watch the 1995 All Star game. Players from my youth, not my parents youth. Good times.

Random Home Run Derby Participants

2009-07-13T14:18:00.003-05:00

In honor of tonight's Home Run Derby, I give you the most random participants in the derby since its inception in 1985 based on my intensive research:

Hubie Brooks, Montreal, 1986.

Brooks hit 149 home runs in 15 seasons. You do the math. In 1986, he hit 14 bombs, with 58 RBIs. Predictably he hit 1 home run in the derby. There were 6 guys in the derby that year. Really? Hubie Brooks is the best they could do for the 6th guy? Did 25 other guys pass on the opportunity before they got down to poor Hubie?

Ozzie Virgil, Jr., Atlanta, 1987.

Ozzie topped out at 27 home runs in his magical 1987 campaign. He hit a total of 10 home runs in his career after 1987.

Damion Easley, Detroit, 1998.

When I think of Damion Easley I think of super utility slappy hitter. Apparently not - he was in a home run derby once! He did hit 27 home runs in 1998. He had 20 the year before. But in his career? 163 home runs in 17 seasons.

BJ Surhoff (O's), John Jaha (A's), Jeromy Burnitz (Brewers), 1999.

Good lordy, these guys were in the derby? Actually I knew about Burnitz (he damn near won it that year, I think) but Surhoff? Really? Jaha? Did he pull a muscle in the game?

Carl Everett, Boston, 2000.

Does not believe in dinosaurs, but does believe in entertaining the fans in a home run exhibition.

Hee Sop Choi, LA, 2005.

I'm not kidding. Hee Sop Choi was in a home run derby less than 5 years ago.

Braun To Bat Cleanup

2009-07-13T12:56:00.002-05:00

What are the odds that if Pujols hits two bombs, Braun will say it was because he was protecting him in the lineup? Even.

NL
SS Hanley Ramirez
2B Chase Utley
1B Albert Pujols
RF Ryan Braun
LF Raul Ibanez
3B David Wright
CF Shane Victorino
C Yadier Molina
RHP Tim Lincecum

AL
RF Ichiro Suzuki
SS Derek Jeter
C Joe Mauer
1B Mark Teixeira
LF Jason Bay
CF Josh Hamilton
3B Evan Longoria
2B Aaron Hill
RHP Roy Halladay

Is it just me, or does Paul Ibanez and Jay Bay look like pretty junk #5 hitters for an All-Star game?

Play at Your Own Risk

2009-07-13T08:35:00.001-05:00

How about a drinking game to make tonight's Home Run Derby tolerable:

1) Every time Boomer says "Back, back, back, back...GONE," drink.
If you're not passed out yet, continue:
2) When Boomer references a different Missouri city - I.E. "He hit that one to Columbia!" - drink.

3) A Prince nervous cough. Drink

4) When they flash to Ozzie Smith, drink.

5) Drink when they show an All-Star pitcher right after a huge bomb and say "(Fill in pitcher here) hopes he doesn't see (fill in batter) hit the ball like that tomorrow night, ha ha ha."

6) If they throw in a Lewis and Clark reference, drink double.

I'm rooting for Prince to win, then untuck his shirt. In St Louis, that would be sweet.

A Break from Your Brewers Blues

2009-07-12T20:40:00.001-05:00

Mattttt Daaaamon.

Well, those were two great games to attend

2009-07-11T12:23:00.001-05:00

Man,the last two games were rough games to attend. Not going to lie, unlike Thursday,I was expecting victory last night. Just not in the cards. This team is teetering on the brink right now. Up to this point, I have been chalking it up to the general ebb and flow of the season, but as of now, I am worried that this season is going in the tank. Even the bullpen has been brutal of late. Just not good times right now.

The Worst 10th Inning I've Seen In Some Time

2009-07-10T22:21:00.004-05:00

The struggling Carlos Villanueva enters the 10th for Milwaukee. Here's what happens next:

Ground Out
Walk
Triple
Intentional Walk
Infield Single which was clearly going foul only to have shitty Bill Hall try and make a play.
Walk
Grand Slam
The rest of the inning doesn't really matter.

12-6, Dodgers. WTF kind of 10th inning was that?? Villy's ERA is now 6.41.

Nelson Cruz - All Star??

2009-07-10T16:02:00.001-05:00

Who knew? Cruz fills in for Toriiiiii Hunter. At least we got Kevin Mench and Laynce Nix for him. (I know, settle down...that was only part of the deal. El Caballo for CoCo was also involved.)

Is That A Philco?

2009-07-10T08:28:00.003-05:00

Need a TV?

The Green Bay Packers are selling more than 450 used 20-inch TV sets that once adorned the suites in Lambeau Field.

The units are not HD-capable, but are cable ready and will work with cable TV systems. Available remote controls will be included with TVs on a first-come, first-served basis.

Maybe they can give a couple of these beauties to Nick Collins to make him happy.

Not Much of a Post

2009-07-09T22:28:00.002-05:00

Nothing much to say about today's game. OK, there is actually a lot to say about today's game, but I just don't feel like talking about it.

The one thing I do want to mention is that it seemed like the Cardinals hit a ton of foul balls off Parra. Like an amazing number. I don't know if it was because I was there and I was paying more attention, but it seemed like every batter was sending 1 or 2 balls into the stands. The other thing I noticed is that going to a game at Miller Park has officially hit NBA levels with the need to play some sort of musical number between every pitch. Ugh.

Old School - Gym Class Edition

2009-07-08T22:46:00.004-05:00

We were reminiscing at work about the good old days...gym class - the best hour of the day. Based on our discussions, here’s a few of the most memorable (good and bad) events in every child’s gym class. (Note: Dodgeball is not included, too easy. That’s an entire post by itself.)

6) Wrestling - Middle School: Weight classes were pretty much ignored. Especially with that one kids who matured earlier than everybody else. You know, the 6th grader with a full-grown beard. He went like 192 pounds and dominated pee-wee football. The next heaviest kid in class was like 161, which was unfortunate for him. But regardless of size, every weight class had the slow, stinky kid. You wanted no part of this guy. He smelled like a combination of drool, manure, and yesterdays lunch. And I'm supposed to wrestle this kid? Come on. Finally, there was the one kid who was a really good wrestler. In my class, it was (he might frequent this site) Ryan B. Not very big, but an excellent athlete - just took kids apart. On the last day, the teacher lined everybody up and we all got a chance at Ryan. It was like an assembly line, one after another. Kids who played the flute, math nerds, and the generally un-athletic all got their turn. The hopeless eventually just laid down as soon as stepping onto the mat. I managed to run in circles for a while, staying on the mat longer than most...and then succumbed to the inevitable. Pretty much everybody was excited to see the conclusion of wrestling in gym class.

5) Pickleball - High School - The other guys had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe it's a Port Washington thing. Basically, it's indoor tennis with a shorter net, an oversized ping-pong paddle and a whiffle ball. Good, no GREAT times! Matt and I were partners and rolled the competition until we met the gooniest set of doubles you could imagine. I'll save those details, but let's just say there wasn't an athletic bone in their bodies. Turns out, they were good. Really good. They revolutionized PWHS Pickleball by putting one player at the net and one on the baseline. We didn't know what to do....it was like seeing the wishbone formation for the first time. I haven’t seen Pickleball since, but would like to…it was pretty damn fun.

4) The Mile - Middle School - It was an annual event. As soon as the teacher declared "We're running The Mile next Thursday," kids were scrambling for excuses not to run. Some would "forget" their sneakers, many became sick, and a few would even mysteriously develop asthma over the weekend. At the sound of the gun, a few groups would soon develop: A) The Pacesetters - The future high school cross country folk who enjoy running from Wisconsin to Idaho on a "light run." Don't even try to keep up with these freaks. B) The Nerds - They would sprint for the first 50 feet, just so they could say they were "winning" at some point...and then fizzle out. Yeah, they might get straight A's in the classroom, but somehow forget there's another 5,230 feet to go. C) Biggins. As soon as the whistle sounds, they walk. The entire way. Zero effort. They were the same group of girls who made a circle in right-center field during softball. You'd purposely hit the ball in that general direction just to watch them scatter. D) The Cheerio Gang. A bunch of zeros. Our running course went around the football field, weaved through some tennis courts, then back around the gridiron. Well, the Teacher couldn't see behind the tennis courts, which made for a perfect opportunity for a few guys to bust out the smokes and fire up a Camel. During the Mile Run! Hilarious! E) Everyone Else. This group was down to about 5 kids by the finish line.

3) Gymnastics - Middle School. The rings, pommel horse, balance beam, bars...yep, this was about as gay as you would imagine. That rope hanging from the ceiling always made for good comedy. Some kids couldn't move up that thing an inch. Check that, a milimeter. Some would scoot right up to the top without breaking a sweat, like they were part squirrel. The rest? They'd climb up about half way and get nervous. I have no idea why. That quarter-inch thick blue pad 15 feet below would certainly break your fall. Or not. To close out the gymnastics session, there was a test. Everybody had to do a routine in front of the entire class using three pieces of equipment of your choice. It was pure hell. Falling off the balance beam while trying a somersault is bad…but not as bad as crashing to the ground it in front of 75 fifth graders.

2) Floor Hockey - Middle/High School. This was fun. It was a pretty sweet gym class sport. Unless you had the crazy guy in your class. The rule was simple: NO SLAP SHOTS! The blade of your stick had to stay below your knees. Nothing but wristers, right. Tell that to crazyman. There were always a few guys who’d wind up that slappy well over his head and let it fly. No chance of those tiny plastic shin guards stopping that freight train. Obviously, there was NO CHECKING. It's co-ed for Pete's sake. One guy in particular, Steve, thought otherwise. I like Steve. Good guy, funny. But a little off kilter…Junior year he read Mein Kampf just for the hell of it. Give this guy a hockey stick and it was on. Our high school gymnasium had a number of doors leading right into a main hallway. For no reason whatsoever, Steve decides to do a seek and destroy mission on an unsuspecting girl named Jenny. The puck isn't even remotely close to her and our friend Steve cross-checks her right out one of the doors and into the hallway. Checks her clear out of the fucking gym! A few moments go by before the poor girl opens the door, stumbling back into the gym all weak-legged and starry-eyed with tears running down her face. A classic gym class moment indeed!

1) Square Dancing - Frosh Year High School: WTF was the point of this, except to create the most awkward experience of your adolescent life? It starts on day one when the oversized gym teacher says "OK, everybody pick a partner." Of course there's only one decent looking chick in the class, who’s snapped up faster than you can say "promenade." So you're stuck dancing awkwardly with some creature you'll never speak to the rest of your high school days. And it didn't help that my movements were as fluid as a Holstein with a bad leg. Good God, the horror! And who’s ever used these square dancing skills since? Didn’t think so.

Had it all the way

2009-07-08T22:39:00.001-05:00

Not even a doubt. At no point did I say "shit" when Molina hit that ball. To celebrate, might I suggest listening to a little Cornershop?

I Hate Notre Dame

2009-07-08T21:28:00.004-05:00

I really do. To my dismay, their schedule is a joke.

Nevada
@ Michigan
Michigan State
@ Purdue
Washington
USC
Boston College
Washington State (In San Antonio, of all places)
Navy
@ Pitt
UConn
@ Stanford

Even USC is down (for USC standards) this year. Michigan is the only team who should be improved compared to last year. Pitt might be decent. That's a 10 win season by accident. And a 10 win season for Notre Dame means a BCS game. A BCS game for Notre Dame means an ASSLOAD of media love for the Irish and TV face time for Chuck Weis. Sorry to make you vomit.

Unofficial Chuckie Hacks Poll - Halladay Edition

2009-07-08T09:14:00.005-05:00

Roy Halladay is purportedly available in a trade. I heard on the radio that Jayson Stark hears that the Jays want "5 or 6 players, including your team's top 2 prospects" in order to get Halladay.

While that is ridiculous posturing on the part of the Blue Jays, if you ran the Brewers what would you trade for Roy Halladay? A package centered on Gamel or Escobar? Gamel and Escobar?

Personally, I'd give up Gamel or Escobar (not both), plus Parra (whose brain might work better in a country on the metric system) and I suppose another mid-tier prospect. I don't think the Brewers could do more than that, although Halladay is signed through 2010 at a relatively reasonable $15+ million next year. To be clear, I'm not saying the Blue Jays would take this package - it's just the most I'd give if I were Doug Melvin. Parra is a young left handed pitcher with physical upside, Escobar is the top SS prospect in the minors.

Halladay is a super pitcher who has done it for years in the tough AL East, and (captain obvious alert!!!) a rotation with Halladay and Gallardo at the top is much better than a rotation with Gallardo and ??? at the top. It might even make Ryan Braun happy.

How much would you give?

Classic

2009-07-07T22:37:00.002-05:00

Another Schroeder Post

2009-07-07T21:02:00.005-05:00

Top of the 6th, 5-0 St Louis, a wild pitch puts Cardinal runners on 2nd and 3rd. The camera shows Macha in the dugout and the following dialog takes place:

Brian: "Macha, wondering what he has to do here."

Bill: "Well, not much he can do. It's not up to him once he fills in that lineup card."

Really, Bill...REALLY? You do know the Brewers moved to the NL, right? Hell, if it's that easy, maybe Kenny can just turn in the lineup card and take a nap for 3 hours. Or perhaps I can take over innings 2-8, that would be fun.

Really, Bill?

Introducing...the Bill Schroeder Commentary Drinking Game!

2009-07-07T16:27:00.002-05:00

Similar to the "24" drinking game in which you take a shot every time Jack Bauer yells "Dammit" or "We're out of time! Give me a name!" or tortures a suspected terrorist...I'd like to try out an experiment before the all star break. I'm interested in how trashed one could get watching a Brewer game and taking a drink every time Bill Schroeder says one of the following:

"Where did that miss?"

"My Goodness..."

"Are you kidding me?"

"You betcha partner (said to Anderson)."

I'm confident there are a solid dozen shots each night if we stick with these original rules. If you'd like to expand on the game and report back your findings...we'd love to hear it.

Enjoy your beverages.

Goldy's Random Takes

2009-07-06T21:37:00.002-05:00

Well, the wife is watching some stupid stuff on TV, so now is as good a time as any to bore you with the random crap that pops up in my head from time to time.

Random teams I am a fan of: Houston Oilers (this has not carried over to the Titans), Toronto Blue Jays, Montreal Canadians, Golden State Warriors, Quebec Nordiques, Buffalo Bills, Los Angeles Angles.
I went to high school and started college at the height of the grunge movement. Thus chicks wore baggy pants and flannels, sweatshirts, or polo shirts. I think people my age lost out on the slut look. But we did win in terms of some great music. I'm not going to sit here and pretend to be some high on my horse music critic. I could pretty much listen to a loop of Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Alice In Chains with some Beasties sprinkled in. It should be an interesting fall with new albums from PJ and the Beastie Boys as well as a rumored album from Alice In Chains. To be honest, I loved Layne Staley's singing, but the new guy isn't terrible. Plus by the end, Layne was so fucked up that Jerry Cantrell took over a good portion of the singing duties. Unfortunately, everything Nirvana has already been released.
Having mentioned all of the above here are some completely random bands I don't mind listening to (and may be the subject of a "Dave Parker Random CD of the Week" at some point): At the Drive-In; Arcade Fire; Matisyahu; Crowded House; Alison Krauss; Godsmack; Wolfmother; Vampire Weekend; Triumph; MGMT; Liam Finn; Local H.
The group Sudden Impact. What can you tell me about them?
I really don't give a shit about the Braun/Melvin dust up. Braun shouldn't have said what he said, but he did. Doesn't bother me. The unfortunate thing is that this is all you will hear about until the All-Star break.
If you have some time on your hands, watch some Brandon Jennings clips on YouTube. You will be sold on this guy. I don't think he will be the man out of the gate, but the guy has style that could put people in the seats. I am not calling the Bucks a play-off team but I feel they are going in the right direction.
Now that I mentioned the Bucks, a handfull of assholes will feel the need to say something about how much they hate the Bucks and their only reason for waking up tomorrow morning is the hope that the Bucks move out of town.
I have 3 Richard Jefferson bobbleheads if anyone wants one.
I think a lot of it has to do with the amount I am working this summer, but I am not living and dying with every Brewers game like I did last season. That could change after attending back to back games on Thursday and Friday.
Some of my best memories of my life involve sitting down the 3rd base line at County. For some reason, my Dad and I always sat on that side. That place has been gone for 9 years now, but everything still seems clear in my mind. That's half the fun of Watching Major League. Yah, it's a great movie, but getting able to see County every time you watch it is awesome.
Hats for bats!
I suck at golf. However, if I played more than once a month, I am pretty sure I would shave about 10 strokes off my score. I just have no feel and I have no clue how far my approach shots are going. I think it would help if I played Ives Grove as well.
Little green home run heeter.
Went to Summerfest once this year. As always, some interesting folks there. Dropkick Murphys were great. The Offspring were about as exciting as a bag of dicks.
I am a fan of Megan Fox.
Played in a 3-on-3 basketball tourney this weekend. Good times. Thankfully everyone there was in their early 30's and we all crapped out at the same time.
Brewers will keep it interesting into September, but they just don't have the horses to win a division that is there for the taking. According to Richard Justice, the Astros have all the tools, so I am just waiting for them to put it all together and run away with the division. Oh, that's right, they suck.
Does Trenni even exist on the MLB network anymore? Has Woz kidnapped her?
'Til next time, good night and good bowling everybody.

Ranking the Brewers - Badass Edition

2009-07-06T20:43:00.005-05:00

With Ryan Braun's public tongue-lashing of poor Seth McClung and Mike Burns, it got me to thinking - Seth McClung is probably one of the last guys on Milwaukee's 25-man roster that I'd go after if I were going to pick on someone. Not that I'd pick on any of them. I wouldn't. Because I'm quite small.

In any event, here's my top 5 Brewers as far as guys I wouldn't pick on if I were a normal or above-normal-sized man with a propensity for fisticuffs:

5. Chris Smith. Something about that man screams "I have a knife stashed on my person somewhere and I have used it to filet much larger people than you." I don't know what it is, but I'm wary.

4. Casey McGehee. I can only assume that McGehee has the capability of pounding 14 beers and then pounding your face into a pool table. Or training table. Or card table. Really, any old table.

3. Seth McClung. This wookie would do some damage if angry. 6 feet 7 inches of red rage. Braun is probably watching his back tonight.

2. Jason Kendall. He would break your arm and then whip you with it. I don't care if he's 85 years old, he'll still be able to beat the crap out of you because he feels no pain. It's fact.

1. Prince Fielder. Just look what he did to poor Parra. His brain is still broken and it's been a year.

EDIT

While I was at it I thought I'd throw out the top 3 guys on the Brewers 25-man roster who I might pick on (again, assuming the normal/above-normal size and whatnot):

23. Mat Gamel. I'm willing to bet he'd forget we were in a fight or otherwise lose interest within a minute or two. Or he'd show up late.

24. Craig Counsell. He's just too nice a guy to get into a physical altercation. Though he is gritty.

25. Bill Hall. Can't hit righties. Heyoooo! I'm here all week.

Braun: McClung and Burns Suck, Help Wanted

2009-07-05T20:04:00.003-05:00

Ryan Braun, not pulling punches again.

Should the Brewers make a trade for a starting pitcher?

"I wish I got to make decisions like that," Braun said with a smile. "I wish I was in those conversations. I know he’s trying to make our ball club better. I know he recognizes the importance of making a move and making it soon.

"At the same, I think everybody has recognized there are a lot of teams still in the race. There are not too many teams willing to give guys up and if they are, the asking price is pretty high.

"That being said, it would be nice to make a move and it would be nice to do something to help us out for the time being. The sooner we do it, the better."

Why trade for a starter?

Braun said the Cubs' starting pitchers are "a lot better than ours."

"They threw the ball a lot better than our starters did," said Braun. "They certainly swung the bats better than we did as well. Clearly, they were the better team.

"It was nice to at least get one win but they clearly outplayed us and outperformed us during the series."

"Their starting pitching was clearly a lot better than ours in this series. All four guys we saw in this series are No. 1, worst-case, No. 2 type starters. They make big pitches in big situations. You’re not always going to get hits in those situations."

A decent point - when you're outplayed by the 4th place team in the division over the course of a 4-game series, you might want to consider some changes to shore up some weaknesses.

But Ryan, Dave Bush is hurt and Manny Parra's brain is broken!

"Regardless of the reasons, we’ve got to find a way to throw the ball a little bit better for us to have success. When you’re constantly behind in games, it’s not easy and not fun."

I sure hope Ryan hasn't hurt the feelings of Seth McClung or Mike Burns. That would be a shame.

Showbiz Drinks Chuck E. Cheese's Milkshake

2009-07-04T07:16:00.001-05:00

Best video ever featuring the Showbiz Pizza band. You need to go about a minute and a half in to the video to catch Billy Bob and the gorilla. Growing up, the Showbiz on 27th Street by 894 was the pizza/video game/skee-ball/animatronic show of choice. Blew Chuck E. Cheese out of the water. It was pretty heady stuff for a kid from Racine. By the way, this video is similar to what goes on in the Goldy backyard on a typical Saturday. Matt can confirm. Complete with the Saint Bernard.

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-03T09:35:00.003-05:00

Happy 4th. Safe travels. Have fun.

God Bless The CFL

2009-07-02T13:26:00.002-05:00

Love the CFL. It's even more awesome after this: After scoring the first CFL touchdown of the new season, a player for the Toronto Rocket Ismails took off his helmet, jersey, and shoulder pads - laid down in the end zone and mimicked being buried. Why? A tribute to Michael Jackson. Seriously. Top that Ochocinco and T.O.!

The league is looking into the matter for possible fines/suspensions.