Chewing the Cud

Lyrics - "Gnome Overboard"

2009-04-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Three men and a gnome went out to sea

to slay the mighty whale

but they never came home to kiss their wives

for their ship went down in a gale

as they floated on down to their watery graves

to make the seabed their home

Tim Flannery Hall turned to his two friends

and said, “Just blame the gnome!”

Five curses and spite live in each gnome

this truth can't be ignored

The best way to get rid of a gnome

is to throw that gnome overboard.

Their souls were taken by the judge of the deep

Old Roper was his name

Said the judge to the four, as was his want

which one of you is to blame?

The men did discuss, quite fast and quick,

with a grunt, a grumble and a groan

Said John McNash, with a finger upraised

“It was that grat bloitting gnome!”

Five curses and spite live in each gnome

this truth can't be ignored

The best way to get rid of a gnome

is to throw that gnome overboard.

The men went to heaven and the gnome to hell

As Roper justly decreed

And the men sat looking down on the gnome

just watching his spirit bleed.

When an angel with a rock came floating by

and said “What should we do with this stone?

Pat Callaghan laughed and pointed at hell

and said “Let's all stone the gnome!”

Five curses and spite live in each gnome

this truth can't be ignored

The best way to get rid of a gnome

is to throw that gnome overboard.

Script - Inventing Swear Words 5

2009-04-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

Scene 01

Setting: Darkshore, northern Kalimdor. Ox, Stag and Mort are standing on a dock. Scene is gloomy, kind of spooky.

STAG

Why didst ye pick such a remote place to meet-eth?

I'll get to that in a moment. I wanted to talk to you guys because I feel like we've been neglecting something.

MORT

Ya, Stags been neglecting to bathe, ftl!

STAG

(huffily)

Well, you doth be neglecting to learn-eth English!

No, that's not what I mean.

STAG

Oh, so ye have neglected to treat-eth thy bed sores too? Aye. They canst be painful. I use-eth a cool gel made from kodo drool and tallstrider egg-yokes. I just massage it into the wound and--

No, no, I mean we've been neglecting our invented swear words!

MORT

What were our invented swear words again n00b?

MORT faces the camera.

MORT

(slowly and hammy)

Because I need a reminder.

Uh, sure, you remember, Bloit, Blit, Chak, Flak, Grat and Wolsh.

MORT

Ah, thanks, now I'm up to speed.

(whispering)

Dude, stop breaking the fourth wall!

MORT

(whispering and quickly)

Ok, sorry.

Anyhow, after all we've done, they just haven't caught on with the bloiting public. I mean sure, Mort got married and all, but that hasn't really furthered our cause.

STAG

Where doth be Lacy, anyway?

MORT

Shes at home with the kids.

STAG

You mean... your dead-cowbies?

Scene flashes to Lacy with her dead-cowbies.

LACY

Leave your brother alone! You know his horns are about to fall off. Now pay attention. Today I'm going to teach you how to pick maggots out of your hooves.

Scene switches back to the docks. There is a pause, then both Tauren shudder.

Right, well, look, I think it's time we finished this whole swear-words thing. I have a plan that is so brilliant you could use it to read at night.

STAG

Do go on.

Why thank you, I will.

As Ox talks further, scene switches to foreshadowing, like you did with APE and his Dark Temple blurb.

Far away, deep in the Northern Sea, lies an island with a castle. This is Blizzard Entertainment's Headquarters. Inside the castle is the Chat Filter, filled with all the words people use in-game. All we have to do is find the most common swear words in the book, and replace the censor with our invented swear words. Then, whenever someone swears, our words will come out instead!

STAG

Brilliant!

Thank you.

MORT

Pretty smart.

Well, I do my best.

MORT

So how we gonna get there n00b?

STAG

Can't ye just summon thy three dragon friends again?

MORT

No.

STAG

Well why not? It would-eth sure save-eth us time and--

MORT

No.

Mort's right, if we just appear there in the next scene after a fast dragon ride, it looks too convenient. The audience won't feel like we've earned it.

Pause.

STAG

Whatever. Eth.

Besides, I've heard rumor that there's a boat that can ferry traveler's to the island. It is said that every day it arrives right here at noon.

STAG

Well, what time doth it be now?

It... just so happens that it's noon.

STAG

All right, now tell-eth me how that LESS convenient than summoning dragons.

Shh, now look out to sea.

The trio look out to sea. There is a fog on the sea. Slowly we see the front of a boat emerge with someone standing it.

Look, the rumor is true!

STAG

(patronizing)

What a shocker.

The mist fully clears and we see the Master of Euphemisms.

MOE

Hello friends. Ye be needin' a ride to Blizzard Headquarters?

Hey, it's the Master of Euphemisms!

MOE

Oh, hey all. Haven't seen you in a while.

MORT

What U doing way out here?

MOE

Well, that's kinda personal. I'd... rather not say.

Come on, you're the Master of Euphemisms. Surely you can tell us in a round-about way.

MOE

Well...so I met this filly who made my champion peppy. She was keen and her approach was navigable, but when I failed to rise and shine, she left me for some red-blooded crackerjack. So I took this job to pass the time.

Pause.

(turning to Stag)

Wow. I regret ever asking.

Stag

(turning to Ox)

I regret ever hearing.

MOE

So, can I take you guys north?

Sure thing, and with as few words as possible, please.

The three board the boat and the MOE shoves off.

Scene 02

During this scene, the boat filled with our heroes sails north, past... well if you have it in Icecrown, then past nothing, if in Duskwood, past the rest of the continent and then past Northrend.

STAG

Wow-eth, I feel like I'm in one of those pirate movies where the heroes doth sail on accompanied by some low, minor-key sea-shanty.

STAG

Yo, ho. Yo, ho. Hey-o, howdy-ho.

Yeah, you totally can't sing.

MORT

Lol omg you failz0rz IRL!

STAG

Giveth me a break, it doth be hard to sing in this helmet.

MOE

I know a good sea-shanty.

Really? How does it go?

MOE starts to sing and Mort and Ox (maybe Stag) join in as they sail on. As they sail further out to sea, the sky fades to black, or some sort of Matrix-esque background... no, black I think I like better. And then the sea fades out into a neon green or blue grid. An island appears in the distance, and on it is the castle. Make sure there is a sign there that says “Blizzard Headquarters” clearly. So the characters arrive just as the song ends.

SONG: Write a sea-shanty with the MOE contributing the primary verse, and with OX and MORT chanting the chorus. MAYBE there is a low, bass humming by both characters as MOE sings.

Scene 03

The three characters hop out of the boat.

Thanks for the lift, Master of Euphemisms.

MOE

Want me to come?

Uh... well... it's just that--

MOE

Oh, I see. Three's company, but four's a crowd, right?

Yeah, besides, finding dialog for multiple characters is pretty tiring.

STAG

Tell me about it.

MOE

Ok. I'll just sit here and mind the boat then.

All right, well, thanks again!

The three wave and walk towards the castle wall.

STAG

Wow-eth, this thing is huge!

MORT

Omg how R we get in d00dz?

Dunno. I doubt they'll let us in if we just knock on the door and say, “Hey Blizzard, we're here to put graffiti in your Chat Filter book.”

MOE

(from behind them and quietly)

You could try climbing through that ventilation shaft over there, which is conveniently positioned low to the ground for easy access.

Oh. Thanks man.

MOE

You're welcome. And don't worry, I'll stay out of the story now. Just sittin' here minding the boat.

STAG

(as he is speaking, Mort is crawling into the vent)

Nice, an easily accessible vent that happens to go right into the castle. What were you saying earlier about things being too convenient?

Just... get in there.

Ox kicks STAG who gets thrown into the vent. As he climbs up, the vent engorges and screws and stuff pop out. Ox follows suit. When they are all gone we see a front view of the vent and hear MOE's voice in the background.

MOE

Yup, don't mind me. Just sittin' here miiindin' the boat.

Scene 04

The three heroes are now inside the vent. They are grunting and wheezing as they move along. Perspective switches to Oxhorn looking up at Stag.

Ugh, Stag, come on, do you ever change your gratting armor? I'm smelling something seriously rancid.

STAG

That doth be the scent of a healthy Tauren!

Ugh, smells like curdled milk mixed with... three-week old cottage cheese.

Scene switches to room interior. The vent is at the top of the room, clearly visible, and it goes from the left corner to the right corner. There is a table in the middle of the room with men sitting around it.

LEADER MAN

Ok, so here's my idea for the next hero class. We'll call it “Lightning Templar”. They have one-million HP and can shoot lightning bolts out of their eyes. They can summon giant storm clouds that instantly kill an enemy, with a cool down of five seconds. They get a free epic flying storm cloud mount at level 70, and can teleport to anyplace in the world with their super-sonic thunderclap ability. They have five stuns, all on different cooldowns, are immune to fear, polymorph, disease and stun, and have an ablative spell that causes anyone who touches them in battle to be electrocuted to death. That sounds balanced, doesn't it fellahs?

The group in the room cheers and claps and lavishes praises on him. As they cheer, the three heroes flit past through the vent. When the Tauren come by, the vent engorges.

Scene switches to another room which has the vent exit. The three of them fall down from the vent and land on the floor.

Whew, thank God that's over.

The three peer from behind the corner.

Ok, so where are we.

MORT

Look d00dz! I see the book over there, zomg!

Camera shows a first person perspective of the book lying on a podium in an adjacent room with a light beam on it.

STAG

But how in the flak will we sneak-eth past those employees?

Stag says this while the camera focuses on the book. Camera pans as he is talking to a group of employees chatting with each other by a water-cooler. Scene switches back to the shot of the three peering from behind the corner.

Quick, adopt your disguises!

The three retract and you hear some scuffling and so forth. Camera then switches to the reverse shot—we see two corners, the one the heroes had been hiding behind and the one they are going to. Between them is the open area with the water cooler and the men chatting. Ox, Stag and Mort are underneath cardboard boxes to the left. They stand up, and you see their feet sticking out from under the boxes. They walk across to the other side. When one of the men turns around quickly, the heroes stop, hunker down and pretend they are boxes. The guy turns back around and the heroes continue. This happens maybe once more, until they reach the other side. Very MGS-esque.

Camera switches to a waist-high shot of the heroes standing up and discarding their boxes.

Whew, good thing we were able to fit those boxes in our pockets. Now where's that Chat Filter?

STAG

There it doth be!

Camera switches to the book on the podium with the light shining down on it. The three heroes surround it and ooo and ahhh.

STAG

(reverently)

Canst ye believe, that this chat filter contains every word ever spoken by gamers?

MORT

And every word invented by gamers, l33t hax, ftw!

Just then a GM stands at the doorway. We hear the MGS sound effect when Snake is caught, and an exclamation point appears over his head.

Oh no, we're caught! Mort, quick, change the filter while Stag and I stall them!

Stag and Ox walk off. We hear Ox trying to sweet talk the GM while Mort looks at the book.

MORT

OK, expletives, expletives. Ah!

Camera shows the book with censored expletives and *** for their filter result. Mort goes down the list, inserting the invented swear words and saying “pwnt!” after each one. Camera switches back to Mort's face.

MORT

There. All done, XD.

He pauses for a moment and looks at Ox. He is still talking with the GM. He turns back to the book.

MORT

Ok, conjunctions, conjunctions. Ah!

Camera switches to the book which lists all conjunctions that equal themselves. Mort takes his pen, crosses out “and” as the equal for “and” and inserts “roflmao!” while saying “roflmao!”. He roflmaos to himself while turning towards his friends and walking to them.

OX and STAG are talking with the GM.

And that, sir, is everything I think you have done wrong with the latest expansion. Now that you know my opinion, I am sure that all of Blizzard Entertainment will bow to my wishes and change the game based upon my suggestions.

(tired)

Look, I don't know how you guys got in here, but I'm sorry, I have to teleport you back to Kalimdor.

STAG

Wait! I dost haveth a serious complaint!

(sighs)

And what is it?

STAG

Every other class is more powerful than me! I think that Warriors are too weak.

(irritated, incredulous)

What...

STAG

I demand that you nerf everyone but me!

GM zaps Stag and he vanishes.

Oh, me too! All other classes besides the Druid are overpowered! Why just yesterday I actually died in PvP. Me! I'm not supposed to die! This proves that the classes are unbalanced!

GM zaps Ox and he vanishes. GM turns to Mort.

And you?

Mort pauses for a moment and draws his swords. He runs up to the GM and starts trying to attack him, but does no damage.

MORT

Roffle-waffle, pwnt! Pwnt! Pwnt! Pwnt!

GM sighs and zaps Mort. We see the Spore teleport. Fade to white, and when we fade back in we are in Mulgore, by the rock. We hear a sort of tinny, other-worldly yell or scream before each character appears. Then each character appears with a pop, a few feet above the ground, and falls into place beside each other.

Whew, we're back. Mort! Did you change the chat filter?

MORT

Yep, I'm ubar ubar l33t!

STAG

How do we test it to make sure it worked?

Well, we need to find some place that is filled with people who lack so much self-control and decency that they spout a steady stream of crass profanity in every-day conversation.

There is a slight pause.

ALL

Orgrimmar!

Scene switches swiftly to Orgrimmar—do an Edgar Wright transition. The three walk into the center of town, maybe standing on top of that hut, or hanging outside the auction house.

Ok, now pay attention guys, listen carefully.

Camera passes between people having conversations. We hear them saying our invented swear words instead of their own crass profanity. Maybe throw in roflmao for “and”. Camera switches back to our heroes.

STAG

I think... it worked!

All right! After all these years, we have succeeded!

ALL

Cheering, yahoo, all right, wee! And clapping.

Pause.

STAG

So what now?

MORT

I'm going home to Lacy, woot!

STAG

I guess I'll go wash my armor.

And I'll ride off into the sunset, or do something equally dramatic and picturesque. And now, gentlemen...heroic pose!

ALL

Hiya!

All three leap into the air striking a heroic pose, like the end of MMMGU. Then transition to the next piece, while music carries on.

Have a sort of “ending it all” credits sequence set to music, with the names of the characters, and a brief snippet of what they are doing in their daily situation. Mort goes home to Lacy and plays with the dead-cowbies. Stag jumps into the drink with a big long brush and bathes himself. And Ox jumps on Busco and rides off into the sunset, perching on a bluff overlooking a pretty sunset or the sea or something, where the film fades out and the credits roll.

CREDITS

End—MOE rows by in his boat humming the song.

Child Molestation Reduced if Nuclear Family Increases

2009-02-08T14:10:00.001-08:00

A man who was a manager of the Pueblo McCain campaign office is charged with child molestation. References are at the end of this post.

Don't these idiots realize that what they do affects the people around them? The obvious victims are the innocent children this pathetic person has scarred for life. But whose name is on the Digg headline? Is it his? No. It's McCain. Because of this man's selfish deeds, he has smeared the name of McCain, and if you read any of the comments to the article, the name of the Republican Party, the name of Conservatism, and the name of Christianity. Because this selfish man decided that his orgasm was the most important thing, thousands of people, by close or remote association to him, are dragged into disrepute.

Why don't more “enlightened” people hail him as a hero? After all, he put into practice a philosophy that has long been touted by the Enlightened--that personal desire, freedom and ambition are the most important things, and that an "enlightened" individual will not restrain himself from acting on them. I find a striking comparison between child molestation and abortion (as angry as I know this will make some of you). Both are products of an individual indulging his desires. Both lead to the harm of an innocent child. Both oftentimes impact numerous people around them. Yet one is rightfully condemned by the Enlightened while the other is championed.

I think I blogged about this earlier, but it is a notion I feel is important and is due repeating. There is nothing wrong with self-restraint. I come from Seattle and have spent a lot of time in San Francisco. In both of these places, self-restraint is not a quality that is highly thought of. In Fremont, Washington there is a yearly parade where unshaven and oftentimes middle aged and lumpy hippies march down the street with their nude bodies painted in a manner reminiscent of the aftermath of a vomiting child. In San Francisco there is a similar parade, called the "Love Parade". Vandalism of private property with paint is seen as personal artistic expression, not a crime. Smoking pot is seen as a harmless if rebellious activity that is encouraged by Hollywood in all its "stoner flicks" like the recent Pineapple Express, and when role models like Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps lose endorsements because of their pot smoking, it leads to anger and confusion from the Enlightened.

The child molester Bartleston has something wrong with him, surely. His desires are sick and depraved, and I am sure psychologists could write whole books on why his behavior stems from one time when he was eight and he saw his brother naked in the shower or something, and how that event froze his sexual maturity and confused him, which explains why he is attracted to young boys, or whatever. But I don't see that helping. Sure, it might be fine and dandy understanding why a depraved individual like Bartleston behaves the way he does. But what needs to stop is the behavior. If people like Bartleston have a deep-rooted respect for the law and other people, and a deep-rooted hatred of his own evil desires, then he would not act on them. That is what we are trying to get at. A man who desires to murder his neighbors because they refuse to shut up their noisy dog, will, if he is a rebel who values his own desires more than he respects other people and the law. If he has self-restraint, he won't. Does this change the twisted mind of the man who would seriously consider murdering his neighbors in the first place? No. But it delivers the results we want.

So yeah, I'll go on record as saying that self-restraint is a great thing that people need more of. Fat people like me need some self-discipline, and need to refrain from eating that extra muffin during the day. Alcoholics need self-restraint to drink in moderation, smokers to smoke in moderation, and cussers to swear in moderation. Angry people need to decide to not be angry, violent people to not be violent, and sexual perverts to not molest children. This doesn't happen by making smoking, booze, cussing and violence illegal. It happens when parents raise their kids to value things like the law, other people, and to practice as children some self-denial. If kids get everything they want as children, they will pursue whatever they want as adults. If they are denied things as children and taught that their desires are not always good, as adults they will have greater self-restraint and respect for others.

I really believe that many of our social ills start in the home. A child needs one mom and one dad, not a dad and a step dad, or a clan of aunts and uncles, or two mommies or two daddies, or an older sibling that acts like a parent, or a babysitter that you know better than your mom, or a public school system that you entrust to raise your child instead of doing so yourself. The "nuclear family" may no longer be normal in America, but it is important and leads to social stability.

References

http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_11637020

http://crooksandliars.com/john-amato/man-who-was-led-sen-john-mccains-presid

http://digg.com/politics/John_McCain_s_manager_arrested_for_child_molestation

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D965NSIG0&show_article=1

Another Christian Scandal

2009-02-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

The pope recently “rehabilitated” a bishop who believes that there was no holocaust. This means that at one time the bishop was excommunicated—cut off from the church and denied eternal salvation—but that the pope has lifted his excommunication (for an explanation of my claim that excommunication denies a man eternal salvation, please read my responses to this post). The reason this is becoming an issue for the pope is because of the bishop's reluctance to accept that the holocaust is a real, historical event.

The pope was not aware that the bishop was a holocaust denier when he lifted his excommunication, and has since released a statement that the bishop would have to renounce his beliefs if he wanted to have any episcopal functions. Regardless, this is becoming a huge event, with “controversy” and “scandal” being thrown around by the media. One church official asked for the pope to resign because of it. Others are saying that the bishop's beliefs are too horrible for him to be a Christian. Vienna's cardinal and archbishop said, “He who denies the holocaust cannot be rehabilitated within the church”.

This whole problem instantly vanishes if we get rid of the idea that the pope has the power to grant or relinquish salvation to or from a person (again, see my explanation in the comments below--excommunication does deny a man salvation because it cuts off a man from receiving the Eucharist, per Catholic belief). Being a Protestant, I'm sure you won't be surprised at my belief that only Jesus holds the keys to salvation, and no man, including the pope, can take it away. The entire notion of being excommunicated and rehabilitated is not scriptural and rather silly, and this controversy would not be one if the catholic church abandoned it.

One thing I find interesting is that many people want this bishop to be denied eternal salvation because of his twisted view of history. The holocaust is an historical event that really happened and affected millions upon millions of lives. The tragedy of it is hard to encapsulate with words and is certainly undeniable by any rational person. But we live in a free society. We should be free to be irrational. Yes the holocaust was horrible, but to deny a man salvation because he doesn't believe it happened? That seems a bit much.

Some people don't believe we ever landed on the moon. Are they nuts? Yeah. But they are free to be nuts. A man's eternal salvation should not be dependent on his acceptance of history. It should only depend one one thing: does he love Jesus? That's what the Bible says, and last I checked, Christians were all about the Bible. The bishop believes many crazy things—that the U.S. planned and executed 9/11, and that all Protestants (like me) receive orders from the devil—but his salvation is personal and between him and Jesus. This is just one example where I think certain practices of my Catholic brothers and sisters lead to unneeded controversy and a whole bunch of useless messiness.

One thing that is frustrating me about this “controversy” is how it has spread like a wildfire within the media. Everyone with a keyboard and an opinion (yours truly) is writing an article, firing off any letters and thoroughly bashing the pope—most of whom aren't Christians. The German chancellor said “This should not be allowed to pass without consequences”. Excuse me, but I thought the world wanted to be SEPARATE from Christianity? I thought we had a division of powers, and that we all wanted to live in a happy little utopia where all the real and important things happened in the secular world and all those silly Christians with their silly beliefs kept them private and within themselves? Then what the heck are you doing telling Christians who can and cannot be part of their faith? Who the hell are you to tell the pope that he has to excommunicate some guy for believing some way? This is a Christian matter! It doesn't concern you! Why do you care?

What is even more outrageous, to me, about how the media is handling this is how they completely ignore Muslims. Hello, am I the only one to remember this, but did or did not the president of Iran—a Muslim nation that is working on building nuclear weapons—recently head a big-ol' get together with all of his fascist buddies and have a “scientific conference” about the “realities” of the holocaust? Did or did he not invite the Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan to be a guest speaker? And does or does he not continue, to this day, to deny the holocaust, chalk it up to being some big global scam by “Zionist Jews” so that they can take over the world, and does he or does he not continue to threaten Israel with violence?

When has the Pope threatened Israel with violence? When has he denied the holocaust? When did he hold a conference with all his Christian pals and invite Klan members, and where is he building his nukes? It seems to me that the world is in serious need of some perspective.

Hello! The pope is not the problem! The pope is no threat to you! You want to throw a tantrum about people being insensitive? Iran is that way! Forgive me if I take no grievances by the Jewish community or by world leaders against the pope seriously while they completely ignore Iran. The day world leaders publicly show outrage where it is deserved is the day I start to care about their little feelings.

References:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article5653201.ece

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.8f87fb2a7e55fa1a4415bdfd6c915b3e.521&show_article=1

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090204/ap_on_re_eu/eu_vatican_jews

http://www.bild.de/BILD/news/bild-english/world-news/2009/02/04/pope-brother-georg-ratzinger-critcises-angela-merkel/over-bishop-williamson-holocaust-rehabilitation-scandal-criticism.html

Man on Wire -- Glorifying Narcissism

2009-01-30T03:23:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching "Man on Wire". It is a BBC documentary about a French man named Phillipe who tight-rope walked between the World Trade Center twin towers in 1974. In that the documentary is entertaining, thought provoking, visually stimulating and well-produced, I recommend it, so if you plan on watching it I must warn you that this post contains spoilers. I want to use this documentary as an example of everything that is wrong with the mindset of our current world society.

The documentary of course sets out to present Phillipe's tight-rope-walking deed as spiritual, beautiful, amazing, bold, harmless, artistic and poetic--which is partially justifiable. I'm getting in a dither over this documentary, though, because here we have a man who, shamelessly, broke the law to fulfill his own all-consuming passion. He is a narcissist, whose own ambitions and interests are more important than law and other people. He, I think, is a great example of this current world's philosophy of self-importance and rebellion, and the consequences of such a philosophy play out even in this little documentary, which he produced himself, based on a book he wrote about himself.

Many people do things that are illegal because they think they know better than the law. Drunk driving, smoking pot, digital piracy, etc.--all illegal things that people think are harmless which somehow justifies them doing it. This was the mindset Phillipe and his companions had when they attempted this death-defying feat, and yet, despite the narrators' constant reiterations that it was "beautiful" and "harmless", I couldn't help noticing how totally non-harmless it was.

They put other people's lives at risk. Yeah, he put his own life at risk, which I am sure he felt every right to do, but I have to wonder whether he realized that he was putting the lives of the people below him at risk too. What if he fell? He would die, sure. But what if he fell on someone? Or on many people? They would die too. Did he think about that? And if he did, what can we say about the mind of a man who concludes that fulfilling his own desires is more important than other people's lives? Yeah, he was a pro. He walked between the two towers eight times, and lasted up there for forty five minutes. And he did not fall. But he could have dropped something. In fact, he did drop something. Spectators on the ground saw a black bit of cloth fall. What if that had been the construction helmet he had been wearing? Or what if it had been his balancing pole? As beautiful as his acrobatics were, they were not harmless. He put other lives in danger, and that is why it is illegal.

Aside from the immediate and what I think are obvious dangers of what he did, I was greatly dismayed by how his whole world-attitude affected everyone around him. Many of his friends helped him in his adventure. He would have never succeeded in traversing between the towers if not for the help of the six-plus people that helped him attach the wire, sneak into the trade center and so on. I am particularly upset over how he treated his girlfriend. Here was a woman that devoted her life to him. She gave up all her interests and followed him—I'm not just assuming this, she flat out said it in the documentary. She helped him practice his tight-rope walking. She supported him in everything he did, to the point where it exhausted her. She was concerned for and awed by him every time he went out there, even to the point of tears. Did he ever think about what his narcissistic actions were doing to her?

In the documentary, Phillipe said, "You have to exercise rebellion". There is a reason, however, that rebellion is not really that cool of a thing. Yeah, he rebelled against the law by doing something he thought was harmless (which really wasn't). But this rebellion displayed itself in every aspect of his life. After everything his loyal and loving girlfriend did for him, what did he do when he got out of jail, after his antics were displayed on the front page of every newspaper around the world? He locked lips with the first girl that clung to him from an admiring crowd, and spent days in a hotel room having sex with her, a "magnificent explosion of pleasure", as he described it. And he bragged about it. He called it "passion of the flesh" and defended it. He rebelled against the norms of monogamous romantic love--loyalty to one person. I was crushed watching his girlfriend, at the end of the documentary, try to describe the changes that came over Phillipe when he became famous, and then try to explain why they quickly broke up, and then, after all that, try to say why it was a "beautiful thing". She was still head over heels for the man after all those years. And he had long since forgotten her.

This man's narcissism hurt more than the woman closest to him. His French friends, whom he'd known as a child and who helped him on every tight-rope walking adventure he went on, were completely abandoned by him after he succeeded. One of his friends in particular, whom he was closest to, explained how their relationship got somewhat strained during the months of planning because Phillipe's safety was foremost on his mind. Phillipe was ready to throw caution to the wind, but his friend went out of his way to make sure he didn't get hurt. Immediately after he succeeded, Phillipe completely cut off contact with his friends. I watched his friend interviewed at the end of the documentary. He explained what happened to their relationship like so: "There was something broken in our friendship. It doesn't matter, because we did it...I mean you cannot take away what happened, and uh...yeah what happened is that, uh..." and then he burst into tears. While Phillipe had his name on the front of every newspaper, had all charges dropped if he agreed to do a juggling act for some kids, and ran off with girls he didn't know for "magnificent explosions of pleasure", his friends were expelled from the United States and told to never come back.

His seemingly harmless ambition, the thing that drove this man, resulted in the endangerment of innocents, the betrayal of the woman that loved him, and the severing of his closest friendships. These are the results of chasing your desires, at the expense of all else. These are the results of living for yourself, of putting your own ambitions above the law and decency because "you know best". In the end, you don't even get what you hope to get, or what you do get is not what you thought it would be. I can't count how many times I heard Phillipe and the cast of other narrators explain how beautiful and uplifting the whole thing turned out to be, but I don't see it. Yeah, at the time it made headlines around the world. And in a week he was forgotten. So he wrote a book, to make people remember him again, and after what I'm sure is a charming read, the reader shelves it alongside all his other books, and forgets. So he had this documentary made, and yeah, it won awards, got on the BBC, and had much critical acclaim. And after watching, people will shelve the DVD right next to their copy of March of the Penguins, and forget about him.

Everything this man has lived for is fruitless. Celebrity is volatile at best. The only things that have the potential to remain with you for the remainder of your life are they very things he freed himself from as soon as he got the temporary celebrity he wanted--his friendships. Where are the groupies who slept with him after he got his picture in the paper? Who knows. He probably doesn't even remember their names. Where is his fame? Encapsulated in a DVD that may be watched off and on for a while but which is sure to become completely obscure in a few years--even Mozart has masterpieces no one has heard of.

The less controversial position of this post and one which I'm sure 99% of readers will agree with is that relationships are more important than fame, and that celebrity is fleeting. The point I really want to drive home, however, is that rebellion and self-gratification are the seeds of all behavior that leads to the ruination of these very relationships, and yet these are behaviors our society celebrates and rewards. We celebrate sensual gratification and personal expression and repudiate temperance and order. This is a tragedy.

Update: 01.12.09

2009-01-12T09:51:00.001-08:00

01.12.09

Glorious day to you all on this, the beginning of the second week of 2009. May your silos be full and your horses well shod! Oh yes. Well shod.

WeGame turned one year old last Friday. My own one-year anniversary at WeGame is coming up soon too. It really doesn't feel that long to me, but such things never do.

I'm working on a new episode of Dynamic Action Team, which I should finish shortly. I've posted some "in the making" images on Flickr, which you can see here:

Our very own Adreena has had her creative pen busy, and she's provided us with two new fan art pictures:

Just for fun, I released a short "the making of" video for video review #50. Set to some cool Brobdingnagian Bards music, I show you a time-lapse of me making the video review:

Making the Video Review

I've added a few new Wrath of the Lich King panoramas. be sure to click "all sizes" and then "original" to view it in high resolution:

That's it for this week! As always, you can follow me on Twitter for my moment-by-moment updates and watch all my new movies on my channel at WeGame. Here is last week's video review:

Weekly Video Review #50

Weekly Update 01.05.09

2009-01-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

01.05.09

Happy Monday every-peoples! I hope your New Year's celebration was scrumptious and scrummy in every way.

Our Christmas contest ended and the results were announced on Friday. Here they are!

FIRST PLACE

Northrend Wonderland
fireboltpro

SECOND PLACE

Kippos X-Mas
X-Cross

THIRD PLACE

WuaG: The Winter's Veil Whiners
Mushanga

FOURTH PLACE

To Home for Christmas
BaronSoosdon

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Winter Weapons
Selserene
Kael'thas and the Santa Claus
ibeckman67
Go Turbo Go!
Calixworld2
Snow After Tomorrow
DMGaina
Trev and Eroth's Dwarven Christmas
Fudgewartz
His Favorite Christmas Story
Gamelol

We had so many great entries that it was really hard to judge! Here are some other entries that caught my eye in one way or another:

The Colored Christmas
Ribeeto
Randalph the Christmas Zombie
ZeeShadowfox
Christmas Deja Vu?!
HyperScreams
Christmas with the family
ZeeShadowfox
A Winter Veil Special
SiQux
u-psA 2 bi-anual non-denomical holiday season time special
Bysen
12 Days of Halo
reidypea
We Are Mounties Christmas Contest
SnoBahr
Pryophes' Winter Veil
Hoofbeard95
Headcrab Wonderland!
Nade-Target
Do you Believe?
ABloodProduct
Christmas Party Smash
SoulReaver

Thanks again to everyone who entered! We had around 40 entries and gave away nearly $3,000 in prizes. I'm looking forward to the next contest!

As for me, I'm working on a new episode of our Dynamic Action Team. It won't be a regular episode, but is rather a special just-for-fun episode.

Speaking of “just-for-fun”, I started making World of Warcraft panoramas. Here are the ones I've made so far, if'n ye be interested. Be sure to click "All Sizes" and then select "Original" to see them in high resolution. If you have any requests, shoot me a line on the forums.

That's it for this week! As always, you can follow me on Twitter for my moment-by-moment updates and watch all my new movies on my channel at WeGame. Here is last week's video review:

Weekly Video Review #49

Update: 12.29.08

2008-12-29T16:59:00.000-08:00

12.29.08

Whew, that was a couple of crazy weeks. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I sure did!

If you missed it, last week I released my Christmas movie. Feedback has been great! Thanks all for your comments and "digg"s.

Oxhorn's Christmas Tree

Here is some more fan art—thanks all!

I Heart Oxhorn by uber l33t rockerz boxerz

I've hit a few new milestones recently. My YouTube profile finally exceeded one million views, and I'm at over 35,000 subscribers—up by nearly 10,000 from a few months ago. Its been a great year!

I've been working on a CD for a few weeks now. I hate to just put in it all the music you have already heard, so I'm coming up with short little skits to compliment the CD, which will be available on iTunes. This takes time but I'll make it worth it! In the meantime, you can listen to most of my songs for free using the streaming MP3 player below.

I've received all the submissions to the Christmas contest and I am judging them now. We'll announce the results during this week's video review, on Friday.

In addition to my CD, working on the website and so forth, my next machinima project is the next episode of Dynamic Action Team. My goal is to get it done in two weeks. Hopefully it will take me less!

Thanks again all for watching my movies and making 2008 a great year for me. As always, you can follow me on Twitter for my
moment-by-moment updates and watch all my new movies on my channel at WeGame. Here is last week's video review:

Weekly Video Review #48

New Movie: Oxhorn's Christmas Tree

2008-12-22T12:13:00.000-08:00

Check out my new Christmas movie "Oxhorn's Christmas Tree":

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Oxhorn_s_Christmas_Tree/

If you like it, please "digg it" for my by following this link and clicking "digg it"

http://digg.com/pc_games/A_Christmas_Special_In_World_of_Warcraft

Script--Oxhorn's Christmas Tree

2008-12-22T05:39:00.000-08:00

Oxhorn's Christmas Tree

OXHORN (OX) and STAGHORN (STAG) are standing by the dock of a bay, fishing. Each time they cast, they whistle a little bit more of “Good King Wenceslas”. MORT rides up on his kodo.

MORT

Hey N00bs,. What R U doin?”

Fishing. I'm trying to find some for the big feast we're throwing.

STAG

And I doth be trying to catch-eth the Pecan Trout that OX told me lives here.

Yeah, about that... I have to come clean. There's no such thing as a Pecan Trout.

STAG

What?!

Sorry, but it was the only way I could get you to come fishing with me.

STAG

But I could-eth be eating pecan pies right now!

Yeah, but now that you're here, you can't tell me that this isn't fun.

STAG

Yes, I suppose that's true.

The two turn back around and cast again while whistling.

MORT

D00dz stop ur fishin' and come with me. LACY finished decorating the tree.

OX & STAG

Yay!

Here we have the heroes do a long epic riding of kodos to Mulgore set to music. Only when they reach the first zeppelin, they stop and we hear elevator carols. Then they get on the kodos and it gets epic again, until the next zeppelin, when they hear more carols (they are coming from Northrend. The camera and our heroes arrive in Mulgore and see the tree.

LACY

Hello boys.

STAG

Wow-eth! That dost be the prettiest tree I hath ever seen!

Its mighty fine! Look it even has elf ears on it! *sniff* All my dreams are coming true.

Just then the other dinner guests arrive, headed by MR. EVIL (APE).

APE

This had better be worth it. I was about to experiment on a baboon.

Hey! Glad you guys could make it. Did you bring the kodo-eggnog?

APE

Of course! And I brought a little something extra to make the eggnog... drinkable.

QUINTUS walks up.

QUINTUS

Mind if I crash the party?

APE

How dare you show your ugly face here! You stole my job you jerk. Get out!

APE kicks QUINTUS.

Just then there is lightning and thunder. Clouds emerge in the sky.

MORT

Omg wtf? What's happenin' d00d?

STAG

It's doomsday! Quick! Where's the pie?

A magical dome suddenly appears around the tree.

Oh no, the tree!

OX runs towards the tree. He jumps into the still-forming magical sphere and kicks the tree out of the way. But before he can escape, the magical sphere solidifies over him and he is trapped.

STAG

OX!

The sphere reverberates and flashes or something then vanishes. OX is gone.

APE

What the blazes just happened?

STAG

Look, a note!

MORT walks up and picks up the note. He pauses for a moment as we see his back, then he turns around and shrugs.

MORT

D00d I can't read this. It's in English.

STAG walks up and snatches it from him.

STAG

Give-eth me that.

STAG reads the note aloud.

STAG

“Dear Oxhorn and Friends,

We, the Night and Blood Elves, have stolen your tree because of Oxhorn's elf hatred. We won't give it back until we receive an apology. And some tofu-turkeys.

Sincerely,

The Elves

P.S. A little humus spread would also be quite nice. Original flavor. Thanks.”

Camera pans towards the tree which is lying on its side.

STAG

They didst try to take the tree but nabbed-eth Ox instead. We have to do something!

MORT

Where did they take him d00d?

STAG

I guess... either Darnassus or Bloodsomething city.

APE

That particular magical dome has the hallmark of Blood Elf magic. I'd say Blood-city is the safest bet.

STAG

I see. Well then, it doth seem that we have been given a quest of epic proportions.

MORT

Oh boy.

Here the scene gets all epic and stuff with lots of contrast and glowing rays of light.

STAG

Duty calls, lords and ladies. We must rescu-eth our friend!

HAT runs up from the side.

HAT

Oh! Let me come too!

STAG kneels to speak with the turtle and chuckles a bit.

STAG

Ah, ye have-eth a stout heart young warrior--

MORT

UGH.

STAG

--but can ye wield-eth a sword? Can ye carry-eth a shield?

HAT

No... but I will fight as best as I may!

STAG

Hah! Come then, brave singing turtle, and meet thy destiny!

HAT

I'm so excited!

MORT

This is unbearable.

He turns and whistles. Butcher, Gusher and Thrasher, the dragons from the last episode, arrive.

APE

Hey guys, wait a minute.

STAG

Farewell mine friends, for we may never meet again!

APE

Wait confound you!

With a roar, STAG leaps upon the dragon, and is followed by MORT and HAT. As they ride into the distance, you can hear STAG say:

STAG

On Butcher! On Thrasher! On Gusher! On to glory!

MORT

You make me physically sick nub.

Fade to black. Text and voice over appears:

Oxhorn's Christmas Special will be right back, after these messages.

Commercial.

Break ends. Scene fades in to OX's face, close up. It then zooms out to reveal that OX is tied up to a wall, spread-eagle.

Wh-what do you want?

Camera turns 180. He is in some sort of magical elf facility, or maybe outside (would be easier to edit later). There are also cameras standing around, with a Blood Elf flag behind OX, reminiscent of a jihadist propaganda film. Our good Engineer Elf (ENG) from IPU is standing there.

ENG

Isn't this amazing. My plan has exceeded my wildest expectations.

What are you talking about!?

ENG

We've all heard about how much you hate elves, and now you are here among us. You are a much better prize than your simple holiday tree.

My what?

ENG

Your holiday tree.

...Oh, you mean my Christmas tree?

The elves in the room gasp. Some scream in the background, “oh, my ears!”.

ENG

Don't call it that!

Call it what?

ENG

You know... THAT! Some people get offended if you don't call it a holiday tree. You shouldn't be incentive!

RANDOM ELF

Incentive!

But... wait, most people like calling it a Christmas tree, and actually get offended at the term “Holiday Tree”. If you force them to change their terminology, doesn't that...make... you, insensitive?

Crickets chirp. Camera pans to ENG. Background Elf turns and scratches or something. Camera switches back to OX. Then back to ENG.

ENG

Look, that isn't the point. What matters is that you are now under our control, and we have a few demands.

Ok, shoot.

ENG

First, you must give us 500 lbs. of humus.

Uh... sure.

ENG

Original flavor.

Ok.

ENG

Second, since we don't have any food prepared to celebrate the (emphasis) HOLIDAY, you must buy us a really big tofu-turkey.

All right.

ENG

And make it taste like a real turkey as best you can. Lastly! We want an apology.

For what?!

ENG

Why, for hating us elves, of course!

Look, I don't “hate” you in any malicious, I just hate your long ears, and your flawless skin and your... stupid dances!

ENG

Blasphemy!

And I hate how everyone and their mother wants to be an elf because they saw The Lord of the Rings and fell in love with Orlando Bloom. You're just so bleeding... trendy!

ENG

Apologize.

No.

ENG

Apologize, or else!

Or else what?

ENG

Or else we will torture you.

Oh no... what, will you shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails?

ENG

No.

Will you pin me to the ground, cover my nose in honey and then pour fire ants on me?

ENG

No.

Well what then! Tell me your plans!

ENG

We will dance... on top of mailboxes.

Camera points at OX. He pauses.

You heartless beasts.

ENG

So then you apologize?

Big dramatic music. Camera pans in close on OX, and he lowers his head.

I will never apologize.

ENG

That's it! Elves, do your worst!

A curtain is drawn backwards revealing a host of mailboxes with scantily-clad Blood and Night Elves dancing on them.

No! It's horrible! The dancing... is so bad! Oh, put some clothes on, have some decency! RAAAAARGH!

Scene switches to outside the Blood Elf city. The dragons fly away.

STAG

Bye Butcher, by Crusher, by Thrasher—fare ye well!

MORT

(waves)

Later doodz!

The trio (HAT is there) turns around to see APE and the crowd there waiting for them.

HAT

Woah! How did you gents get here?

APE

I can cast portals you know. I tried to tell you before you flew away.

STAG

Wait... I thought you were a warlock.

APE

(haughtily)

What I am, my dear fellows, defies explanation.

MORT

Whatever nub-cakes.

APE

Shut up you.

Just then they all hear OXHORN's scream coming from the elf compound.

STAG

I dost hear-eth the sound of a friend in dire need. My spirit awakens within me, and my soul is stirred for battle.

MORT

Lol, rox0rz-box0rz omg? Cut the stupid talk and let's just pwn those nubs with our ubar l33t hax, ftw!

STAG

As our good MORT has suggested...

He faces the camera and draws his weapon. APE flips into LCV and everyone gets in battle mode.

STAG

Charge!

Here the music turns into a traditional Christmas tune, but composed specifically for this movie. I want it to be up-beat and catchy, to be in stark contrast to the slow-motion fight scene that will ensue. The heroes charge into the Blood Elf base and attack the dancing elves. HAT leaps through the air and snaps OX's shackles with his mighty jaws. The song ends with a glorious Christmas-ish crescendo and the scene fades out, with our heroes victorious, standing amongst the ruin.

The next scene takes place back in Mulgore. The guys are well into their Christmas party and a Christmas tune is playing in the background. OX is walking around, making sure everyone is having a good time.

How's that kodo eggnog?

STAG

(slightly drunk)

It's tasty! But I think Mr. Evil did something to it.

He turns to face-off camera.

You're a naughty little zombie Mr. Evil -hiccup!- you know that? Naughty zombie.

Enjoying the turkey?

THUNK

Turkey! Turkey for everybody!

Good, I'll take that as a yes. How about you MORT, having fun?

MORT is off with LACY, who is blushing a lot. He turns around when OX addresses him.

MORT

Leave me alone n00b, I'm seducing LACY.

But... she's already your wife.

MORT

Just cuz we're married don't mean I can't flirt with her.

LACY

Oh! You scoundrel.

Awww, that's gross.

OX walks outside the camp (it's night) and stands by a nearby fire to look at the stars. Just then he sees the ENG and HIPPY ELF from the fight come walking up.

Oh! What, you guys wants some more?

ENG

Um... no... actually, the elves fired me as their Protest Organizer and I'm... kinda out of work at the moment. And I'm... hungry.

Oh. Um... w...ant something to eat?

ENG

(after a pause)

Don't you want me to apologize first?

Hah! Nah, just come in and have some eggnog.

ENG

Thanks. As long as its spiked.

Hey, do I look like the kind of guy that would serve plain eggnog?

The camera is above them and slowly pushes away as they talk idly while walking into the camp. Movie closes with a resounding Christmas music finish. Snowflakes fall, as do the credits.

FIN

Weekly Video Review #47

2008-12-22T05:37:00.001-08:00

Watch the review here:

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Weekly_Video_Review_47_2/

Twas the video review before the Christmas video review,
and all in Jared’s house,
there was a parrot a-biting–
like a horrid, cheese-starved mouse!

Videos:
http://www.wegame.com/watch/Ret_1v2_s_MUST_WATCH/
Champskies

http://www.wegame.com/watch/gta_IV_weird_stuff/
Moscowkent

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Father_Frags_Best/
Kwolfe

Screenshots:
http://www.wegame.com/view/Team_Fortress_2_Screenshot_by_kex_2008_12_17_11_49/
Kex

http://www.wegame.com/view/Irdeen_with_his_pet/
Calixworld2

http://www.wegame.com/view/Happy_Spy/
Weclock

Weekly contest winner:
http://www.wegame.com/watch/Best_Hair/
Kex

Next Weekly Contest:

Best Pet! Send us a video or a screenshot of the best pet you have
found in a video game to weeklyreview@wegame.com

Update: 12.17.08

2008-12-17T11:10:00.000-08:00

Gah, TWO days late on the update! I need like a weekly buzzer or something.

The Christmas contest is going well! The deadline is December 24th, so you have about a week or so to get in your submissions. We have nearly $3,000 in prizes, including a new MacBook, so head on over to the contest forum and check out the rules.

I've been posting a number of "sneak peek" images of my Christmas movie's production, if you are subscribed to me on Twitter or Flickr. All primary video editing is done and the After Effects are done for the first four scenes (there are 6 in all) I'll let you know when it is finished!

I've secured a new domain name, oxhorn.com! It should redirect here by the end of the day. To all the families out there with "Oxhorn" as their last name--sorry, hehe.

That's it for this week! As always, you can keep tabs on my day-to-day movie progress via my Twitter page, chat with me on the forums and browse all my movies on WeGame. Here is last week's video review:

Weekly Video Review #46

UpdateL 12/09/08

2008-12-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

12.09.08

Gah, a day late on the update! Let's do this fast and with spelling errors.

The Christmas contest is coming along just fine. I extended the deadline to December 24th, so all of those who felt a time pinch, breathe easy! We have nearly $3,000 in prizes, including a new MacBook, so head on over to the contest forum and check out the rules.

My Christmas movie is coming along fine. If you are subscribed to me on Twitter or Flickr, you'll have seen steady "sneak peek" images of its production. The movie has five scenes, and the primary editing is done for the first three of them. At this rate, I'm sure you'll see the movie before Christmas. You can see a promo I made for the contest here.

New fan art is in, this time from Kadroin who made us an awesome poster for the Dynamic Action Team series. Thanks Kadroin!

Dynamic Action Team Poster

Weekly Video Review #45

Weekly Video Review #45

2008-12-05T08:47:00.001-08:00

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Weekly_Video_Review_45/

Arrr, hoist the Baldy Roger! Gorndt and Oxhorn are back with Joe Chow (sp), our fine piratical parrot.

Be sure to start now on your entry for the Christmas contest! This month will fly by if you aren't careful :P

http://www.wegame.com/forums/Christmas_M...

Videos:
http://www.wegame.com/watch/I_Challenge_...

http://www.wegame.com/watch/nnz_Exact_PI...

http://www.wegame.com/watch/NERD_PVE_GRI...

Screenshots:
http://www.wegame.com/view/of_to_work/
Eohek

http://www.wegame.com/view/GG_China/Suic...

http://www.wegame.com/view/Zombie_Butt/F...

Last week's contest was Best Monster, and the winner is NiennaTelrunya!

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Terrifying_R...

Congratz Nienna! She'll be winning either a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com or ThinkGeek.com. This week's contest is Best Hardware Mod. Find an image or video of a really cool case/hardware mod, upload it to WeGame and send us the link at weeklyreview@wegame.com. You could win a (virtual) chest full of (real) booty! Arrr.

This week's topic is Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD. Find out more about the game here:
http://games.capcomdigital.com/streetfig...

Update: 11/24/08

2008-11-24T16:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday! I've released the latest episode in my series. Check it out here!

D. A. T. Ep. 05: "Stay a While and Listen"

I hope you like it, and be sure to leave me a comment. I'm now diving straight into my Christmas movie. Mark who plays Staghorn came by last week and recorded his lines, and I'll be recording mine today, so stay tuned! I should have it done before Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, sales in my shop have been going up, I assume in preparation for Christmas. No complaints here! I released some Christmas ornaments last week which should look pretty on your tree. I know I'll be getting some for my tree, heh. If you have any requests for shop items, let me know. I can now offer customizable but ridiculously expensive mini-camcorders to whomever is interested :P

I'll be out of town for Thanksgiving, but its my goal to get my music up on iTunes during that time. I've been getting your messages and emails--I'm working on it :)

Well, back to work for me. Enjoy the latest episode and I hope to see you on the forums!

Here is last week's video review:

Weekly Video Review #43

New Movie: D.A.T. Ep. 05 "Stay a While and Listen"

2008-11-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

I've released my latest episode of Dynamic Action Team! Check it out here:

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Dynamic_Action_Team_Ep_05_Stay_a_While_and_Listen/

Our three long-suffering heroes have been stuck in an eight-year-old, two-dimensional game for the past few weeks--Diablo 2. As they struggle to find a portal out of the place, they reminisce on their frustrations and mishaps. Who will be first to talk about running out of bag room?

Is this the first Diablo 2 machinima? Let me know!

You can read the script here:
http://blog.wegame.com/2008/11/24/script-dat-ep-05-stay-a-while-and-listen/

Script: D.A.T. Ep. 05: "Stay a While and Listen"

2008-11-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

Dynamic Action Team Episode 05: "Stay a While and Listen"

Our heroes stand at the entry room before Baal's room. They have just defeated a horde of monsters and are gearing up for the next fight.

FRANSWAH

So, you're sure this is the final guy?

GUSTAV

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Maybe after we kill him we'll find a way out of here.

MOP

What a rotten couple of weeks.

FRANSWAH

Now Mop, be sure not to use up all your potions like last time.

Flashback to a scene at the very beginning of Diablo II. Mop is standing in the field right outside the Rogue Encampment. He sees a group of little red demon things in the distance which say “rakka-dee-shu!”.

MOP

Oh no, demons! I'd better get my potions ready.

He flips open the inventory screen as the demons come towards him and start attacking.

MOP

Ok, so how to I place my potions in my belt again... oh yes, right click.

He right clicks all his potions and uses them up.

MOP

Wait... oh no.

Mop dies. Return to present time.

MOP

No that's a n00b mistake, and I'm a pro now.

FRANSWAH

You don't look like a pro.

MOP

Well looks can be deceiving.

GUSTAV

Come on FRANSWAH, you can't give MOP a hard time. It's your fault we didn't get any of the loot from Diablo.

Flashback to the three just as Diablo dies. He dies and loot goes spewing out all over the place (is this what really happens when Diablo dies?).

GUSTAV

We hit the jackpot boys! Could someone loot? My bags are full.

FRANSWAH

Mine too.

GUSTAV

MOP, could you loot up for us?

MOP

Aww, I can't either, my bags are full too.

GUSTAV

With what?

MOP

Gems, rings, potions... the usual.

GUSTAV

Yeah, same here. My stuff is too valuable to drop. FRANSWAH?

FRANSWAH

Nope, I don't have room.

GUSTAV

Well, what are you carrying.

FRANSWAH

...I'd rather not say.

GUSTAV

Come on man, we just killed Diablo, we can't just leave it. What are you carrying?

FRANSWAH

Well...

His inventory pops open and we see his bags filled with wood.

MOP

Wood?

GUSTAV

Ok that it. What is it with you and wood?

FRANSWAH

My father was a lumberjack, ok?

GUSTAV and MOP start snickering.

FRANSWAH

What? Wood has sentimental value to me!

GUSTAV

So... your father was a lumberjack... and that's OK?

MOP

Did he sleep all night and work all day?

FRANSWAH

What?

GUSTAV

Did he put on women's clothing--

MOP

And hang around in bars?

The two start snickering again.

FRANSWAH

Oh, very funny. Look everybody, we've got a couple of comedians on our hands!

Just then a player runs up and steals all the loot, then runs away. The three see what happens and pause, stunned. After a long while GUSTAV turns to FRANSWAH.

GUSTAV

I hate you so much.

Return to present time.

FRANSWAH

(sheepishly)

Yes, don't worry, I left the wood in my private stash.

GUSTAV

Ok so I'll disguise myself as Diablo and sneak into Baal's chamber. I'll engage him in idle conversation and then attack when the time is right. You two just need to keep quiet or else you'll blow my cover. Got it?

MOP and FRANSWAH

Got it.

Scene transitions to Baal inside his lair. Diablo (GUSTAV) comes up.

BAAL

Oh, DIABLO, is that you? I was expecting someone else.

DIABLO

Sure is old bean. Just came to pass the time. Fraid things are rather dull down my way.

BAAL

Terribly blow chap, terrible blow. Seems I've been popular of late. As it happens, I was expecting three heroes to come barging in here to kill me.

DIABLO

Nasty fellows.

BAAL

Yes, no civility in this modern age I tell you, no civility.

DIABLO

At least the weather's nice.

BAAL

Is it? Oh I just love a sunny day. I get so few down here, you know.

DIABLO

Oh look! A starling!

BAAL

Where?

GUSTAV stabs BAAL in the back as he changes costumes. BAAL dies his horrible death and the other two run in.

MOP

Did you get him?

GUSTAV

Yeah. Though I kinda feel bad.

Tyrael comes down and starts talking.

FRANSWAH

Wow, how long is this guy going to go on.

MOP

Maybe we should ignore him.

The THREE mumble their agreement and then look straight ahead. Movie fast-forwards through Tyrael's speech until he casts the portal.

FRANSWAH

Ah, finally.

GUSTAV

Here we go! Cross your fingers for home!

The three jump into the portal and end up...

in Left 4 Dead. They appear in a pitch black room. We see things from Franswah's point of view.

FRANSWAH

Uh, that trip makes me seasick every time. Where are we. Why is it so dark? Oh, wait I have a flashlight. Ok where is everybody.

MOP

Over here.

FRANSWAH

MOP is that you?

MOP

Yeah, its me.

FRANSWAH

Where's Gustav?

They hear the child crying.

FRANSWAH

D-do you hear that? Sounds like a little girl crying.

MOP

Wait... approaching a lone little girl in an abandoned and creepy building in the middle of the night probably isn't the best idea. I mean, that's like right out of every scary movie since Children of the Corn.

FRANSWAH

But she could be in trouble! Let me just see if shes ok.

MOP

Wait!

FRANSWAH

Oh, hello little girl. Is something troubling you? Would you like us to take you out of here? Hello?

Weekly Video Review #43

2008-11-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

Watch the review here:

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Weekly_Video_Review_43_2/

After shooting this video review, I now know Gorndt's main weakness--the cold! This info shall come in handy, mnyes, very handy indeed.

This Saturday is another Community TF2 Game Day! Join us at 1pm to watch Jeff die a lot. AGAIN, bwa-ha-ha.

IP: 69.147.244.102
Port: 27016
Slots: 32
Pass: Wegamar

Participate in the Lugaru contest here:

http://blog.wolfire.com/2008/11/lugaru-contest/

I'm pleased to announce WeGame's Christmas Contest! The contest starts today and ends Monday, December 15th. This gives you nearly a month to make a really cool Christmas machinima movie. To enter, upload your video to WeGame and then select the "Christmas Machinima Contest" tag. We will not consider your movie unless you select this tag. You can see all current submissions to the contest here:

http://www.wegame.com/videos/browse/tag/xmascontest08/

And you can talk with all the participants in the contest forum, here:

http://www.wegame.com/forums/Christmas_Machinima_Contest_2008/

And you can view the complete rules here:

http://www.brandonmdennis.com/images/wegame/WegameChristmasContestRULES.pdf

I'm looking forward to seeing your submissions!

This week's videos:

http://www.wegame.com/watch/WoW_on_Crack_2/
Calixworld2

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Things_You_Need_48_hour_film_project/
StoneFalcon

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Cool_things_I_saw/
Oosdi

This Week's Screenshots:

http://www.wegame.com/view/gorden_freeman_break_in/
Eohek

http://www.wegame.com/view/Left_4_Dead_Poster_2/
theineffablebob

http://www.wegame.com/view/The_room/
maniacjelly

Our topic for this week is Battlefield Heroes. You can learn more about the game on their website, here:

http://www.battlefield-heroes.com/

Last week's contest was Goriest Headshot, and the winner is anorexiconos with his Left 4 Dead HS montage!

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Left_4_Dead_HS_montage/

This week's contest is Best Box Art. Find some really cool box art for a game, upload the screenshot to WeGame.com and send us a link at weeklyreview@wegame.com. You can win a $25 Gift Card to ThinkGeek or Amazon.com.

That's it for this week! See you tomorrow :)

Blog Got Attacked

2008-11-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

Well! It seems CAPTCHA for Blogger doesn't work very well. Over the past hour I've hand-deleted over a hundred foreign language spam replies on all my blog posts going back to last year. I'm not sure exactly why they thought my blog would be great for their business, but whatever.

I've changed the way replies are posted now to prevent this from happening again. Now I'll get an email whenever someone posts a reply, and I'll have to accept the reply. I hate to do it, but it's my only option. I'll only reject a reply if it is spam :)

And now, back to work. All work and no play makes Brandon a... better machinima guy.

Update 11.17.08

2008-11-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

11.17.08

Happy Monday all! I released the fourth episode in our Dynamic Action Team series last week. Check it out here!

D.A.T. Ep. 04: "The Spice Must Flow"

My goal with this series is to make it enjoyable, even for those who haven't played the games. Let me know if I'm on the right track!

It's almost Christmas! Wait... it's almost Thanksgiving. That's right. You know, there is just something a little odd about going to a store and seeing all the Christmas decorations and hearing the Christmas music when it isn't even Thanksgiving yet. But, they obviously know something I don't, so I've got some Christmas ornaments up in my shop.

Oxhorn Brand Christmas Ornaments!

If you have any suggestions on what kind of items you would like to see in my store, or any new designs, let me know. Right now I have all the usual fare—shirts, mugs, mouse pads—and some other cool stuff, like teddy bears, throw pillows and beer steins. Cafepress FTW.

I removed my Pownce button to the left and have stopped using Pownce, mainly because I know no one who uses it, and because it just seems rather redundant when I have Twitter. The only other one I'm still on the fence about is Delicious, because I'm not sure how useful it is. Oh well, for now I'll keep using it.

I'm working on Episode 5 of Dynamic Action Team, and I also finished a script for a new Christmas Special! My friend Mark Pfaff, who plays Staghorn in my Inventing Swear Words movies, is in town for a few days, and he'll be doing some voice acting for the Christmas Special. So, if I get Episode 5 done in time, you should see a Christmas Special this year. Wee!

Weekly Video Review #42

Weekly Video Review #42

2008-11-14T13:56:00.000-08:00

Watch the video review here:

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Weekly_Video_Review_42/

This week we were at Ghiradelli Square in San Francisco, which I hope to visit more often since they have the BEST ice cream. You can find more about the place here:

http://www.ghirardellisq.com/ghirardellisq/food.php?id=16

This Saturday is another Community TF2 Game Day! Join us at 1pm to watch Jeff die a lot.

IP: 69.147.244.102
Port: 27016
Slots: 32
Pass: Wegamar

Videos:
http://www.wegame.com/watch/Dowhop_Diddly_Doo/
Calixworld2

http://www.wegame.com/watch/HAZZ_SICK_1USP_D_D/
Liames

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Homeworld_Style_Hyperdrive/
CDBarrett

Screenshots:
http://www.wegame.com/view/HOOODAY/
ManiacJelly

http://www.wegame.com/view/You_won_t_be_sapping_this_Sentry/
TheIneffableBob

http://www.wegame.com/view/It_gets_cold_in_China/
Mastrmind

This week's topic is Battletoads! If you remember this old chestnut, then you'll know how exceedingly frustrating the game was. You can play a flash version of it here:

http://flashgamesite.com/play1056game.html

This week's contest winner was Darkmage with "You Spoony Bard!":

http://www.wegame.com/watch/You_Spoony_Bard/

He'll receive a $25 gift card to either Think Geek or Amazon.com. This week's contest is "Goriest Headshot". Record the goriest headshot you can find, upload it to WeGame and send us a link to weeklyreview@wegame.com. You could win $25!

That's it for this week. See you next week!

New Movie: D.A.T. Ep. 04 "The Spice Must Flow"

2008-11-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

The next episode is released! You can watch it here:

http://www.wegame.com/watch/Dynamic_Action_Team_Ep_04_The_Spice_Must_Flow/

Franswah, Gustav and Mop have been stuck in SPORE for the past few weeks. How did they cope? How many species did they make extinct? How many planets did they blow up?

And as far as I know, this is the first "real" SPORE machinima :P (correct me if I'm wrong, heh).

You can read the script here:

http://blog.wegame.com/2008/11/11/script-dynamic-action-team-ep-04-the-spice-must-flow/

If you have SPORE, you can download and play with all the things I made for this episode here:

http://www.spore.com/sporepedia#qry=usr-SporeFan|2262866271%3Assc-500181159910

Script: "The Spice Must Flow"

2008-11-11T12:56:00.001-08:00

Dynamic Action Team Episode 04: "The Spice Must Flow"

Scene opens with FRANSWAH. He is in his space ship hovering over a planet trying to sell some spice. The interactions mainly happen through the UI.

FRANSWAH

What? You’ll only give me 200 Sporebucks for my spice? But this is red spice! Why would my starting planet have red spice if the stuff is only worth 200?

Creature says something ridiculous and silly.

FRANSWAH

Um… sorry, didn’t catch that.

Creature says it again.

FRANSWAH

…yeah, I’m going to… go now.

Creature says it again.

FRANSWAH

You too.

FRANSWAH leaves orbit and as he flies, he mutters to himself.

FRANSWAH

(muttering)

Of all the worthless planets in this galaxy, why did I have to appear on one with red spice and eyeball trees. I mean, come on. Where’s the sense in trees with eyeballs on them. How do they pollinate? (mutter)

He arrives at GUSTAV’s planet.

GUSTAV

Yeah?

FRANSWAH

Hey GUSTAV, I need some money to buy a Planet Buster to get rid of an annoying neighbor of mine. Need any red spice?

GUSTAV

You’re kidding, right? I’ve got more red spice than I know what to do with. Use it to season your steaks or something, I’m not buying it.

FRANSWAH

ARG! That’s it, I’ve had it with this place! First we got molested by ridiculous hybrid-moose-hamster creatures, and then we had to go through three stages of evolution to get to the Space Stage so we can sell worthless spice to a bunch of ungrateful and ridiculously dressed space aliens. I mean, what’s the point, really!?

GUSTAV

Calm down FRANSWAH, you’re forgetting all the fun we had customizing ourselves, our cities and our spaceships to get here. I’m actually really enjoying the Space Stage. What was your favorite stage?

FRANSWAH

Well… I guess the Creature Stage. I made myself look pretty cool, remember?

Flashback to the Creature Stage. Three creatures stand in a semicircle facing the camera. They have the bodies of SPORE creatures and the heads of TF2 characters.

FRANSWAH

Look at this! I’ve got dragon wings! I can fly all over the place. Now if only I could breathe fire.

GUSTAV

Wow, where’d you get them?

FRANSWAH

Oh I found them in a pile of bones. Yeah I just pulled them out and stuck them to my back here. They tickled for a while but now they feel great. And they look fantastic.

GUSTAV

That’s cool. Hey, how do you like my horn?

FRANSWAH

What, the one sticking out of the middle of your face?

GUSTAV

No, the other one.

FRANSWAH

I…don’t see another one–

GUSTAV

Yes I know, I was being sarcastic.

FRANSWAH

Oh. Yeah, looks nice…. but, does it have to be right in the middle of your face like that?

GUSTAV

Oh yes, there is no better way to charge my enemies than with a horn coming right out of my face.

FRANSWAH

Ok, well I lied… it actually looks stupid.

GUSTAV

I prefer to design myself based on function, not on how pretty I look.

FRANSWAH

Suit yourself.

FRANSWAH turns to MOP, as if noticing him for the first time.

FRANSWAH

Woah. Mop, what’s that jazz dangling above your head?

MOP

Isn’t it cool? It’s like a big dangling pimple!

GUSTAV

And… what on earth is that on your…

GUSTAV is referring to the giant nipples sticking out of his chest.

MOP

On my what?

FRANSWAH

Um… are those…

MOP

Yes?

GUSTAV

Nevermind.

FRANSWAH

I suddenly hate this stage.

Scene cuts back to FRANSWAH and GUSTAV in space.

GUSTAV

All right that was pretty lame.

FRANSWAH

What was the stage after the Creature Stage?

GUSTAV

Um, Civilization?

FRANSWAH

No, no there was one before that.. oh yeah, it was the Tribal Stage, remember?

Flashback to Tribal Stage. FRANSWAH, GUSTAV and MOP are just standing doing nothing inside their tribe town. Little duplicates of themselves are running around the place. The three are looking straight ahead with confused looks on their faces. This stage lasts for maybe five seconds and immediately cuts back to GUSTAV and FRANSWAH talking.

GUSTAV

Nope. I don’t remember the Tribal Stage.

FRANSWAH

Yeah, me neither.

GUSTAV

But then came the Civilization Stage, and you got to use your powers of oration to convert non-believers.

Flashback to Civilization Stage. A giant hologram of FRANSWAH is floating above an enemy city:

FRANSWAH

(HOLOGRAM)

Come, join me, and together we can cut that woood! You don’t want to be slaves to money, and the last thing you want is war, right? So join me, and we shall demolish entire forests with zeal!

Camera switches to one of FRANSWAH’s cities being captured by GUSTAV.

FRANSWAH

Hey! GUSTAV, what are you doing?

GUSTAV

I bought your city! Money equals power buddy, money equals power.

Just then MOP comes by with a fleet of tanks and aircraft, tearing FRANSWAH and GUSTAV to shreds while laughing.

MOP

Hahahah! I’m a warlord! Military trumps Economy and Religion! Come my little sandwiches, attack!

Flashback to Space Stage.

FRANSWAH

That reminds me, where is Mop?

GUSTAV

Take a guess.

Scene switches to Mop dropping bombs on his enemies.

MOP

Hahaha! Oh, whats this? A little city all on its own? Time to taste my BOMBS, ahahaha!

MOP starts dropping bombs on the city. Switch to MOP at another town.

MOP

Oh, hello little flock of critters. You look mighty tasty, but guess what would make you taste better? If you were FRIED! Hahahahaha!

MOP zaps the herd of creatures with his laser. Scene switches to Mop hovering above a city.

MOP

Hi there, over-populated city. It’s alien abduction time! Hahahaha! Oh, you want me to put you down? Ok! Bwahahahah!

MOP released the citizens and they all plummet to their death. Just then FRANSWAH contacts him via his intercom.

FRANSWAH

MOP, hey MOP, stop messing around and come to GUSTAV’s planet. We’re getting out of here.

MOP

Awww, but I haven’t reduced this planet’s core temperature causing it to freeze over and thereby exterminating all life on it yet.

FRANSWAH

Tough luck! We’re tired of this place and we’re getting out, now come on.

MOP

Ok.

Intercom goes out.

The three ships converge in space, or in a planet’s atmosphere, whichever is easier.

FRASNWAH

Oh good, there’s MOP. Ok, so here’s the plan. Everyone I talk to keeps mentioning the center of the galaxy, as if the Galactic Core has some special power. I think it can get us out of here, and I suggest we try it.

GUSTAV

All right, but we need to be careful. An alien race called the GROX guards the Galactic Core, and I hear they attack all ships on sight. I’ve got a cloaking device so I’ll just cloak and meet you there. How will you guys get there?

MOP

I’ve got some friends that will come with me, so I’ll just fight my way through. What about you FRANSWAH?

FRANSWAH

Um… I’m not sure… I guess I’ll just stock up on Energy and Repair Packs and use them as I need.

GUSTAV

All right, sounds good. Meet you there!

FRANSWAH scrolls out and appears at the star map. He talks to himself as he heads towards the core.

FRASNWAH

All right, so there’s the core… doesn’t look too far, I’ll just… hop between these stars here…

He gets attacked by the GROX.

FRANSWAH

Hey. Hey leave me alone. Look, I’m not being hostile, I just want to see what’s at the center of the galaxy. Come on, leave me alone. Ugh, are you seriously going to do this the whole way?

Scene cut. Text appears that says, “Three Hours and 800 Energy and Repair Packs later”

FRANSWAH

Ugh, I can’t take it anymore!

He scrolls in on a GROX planet and hails them.

FRANSWAH

Hey, what is your problem, I’m just trying to get to the Galactic Core and your ships wont leave me alone.

GROX

We hate you and everything you stand for.

FRANSWAH

Why? You don’t even know what I stand for!

GROX

Ok, you have one chance to explain.

FRANSWAH

Very well then, let me tell you about the joys of cutting wood.

Slide appears that says “Fifteen Minutes Later”.

FRANSWAH’s ship arrives at the Core, where MOP and GUSTAV have been waiting for him.

GUSTAV

Wow, what took you so long?

FRANSWAH

The GROX wouldn’t leave me alone, so I had to give them a stern talking to. Now they’re collecting wood for me throughout the galaxy.

GUSTAV

Huh. Well, at least we can say that we left this place better than we found it.

MOP

So where will this Galactic Core take us? Back home?

FRANSWAH

I hope so. Hey, have you guys wondered what the other guys are doing at home?

Scene switches to the ENGINEER in a room with six computers.

ENGINEER

All right, I’ve installed SPORE on all six of my computers so that I can share my wonderful creations with my friends. Now to log onto the game and design my next masterpiece.

Screen zooms into a monitor desktop. ENGINEER double-clicks on the SPORE shortcut and a window pops up with text on it. He reads it aloud.

ENGINEER

“Warning: EA has detected that you have installed this game on too many computers, violating our DRM policy. Since you are such a naughty boy, we are now going to blow up all of your computers. Thanks again for playing SPORE!”?

Camera pans out to show the six computers with the ENGINEER sitting in front of one. They blow up, and the ENGINEER screams and falls backwards.

Scene switches back to the Galactic Core with our heroes circling it.

GUSTAV

Nah, they probably haven’t even noticed that we’re gone. Anyhow, let’s do this thing!

Before they can jump into the Galactic Core, the screen gets all squiggly while the three heroes mutter:

FRASNWAH

Eh? What’s going on?

MOP

I’m scared!

GUSTAV

What the heck?

The screen burns away like movie film burning before a hot projector. They find themselves standing on a black field. They are quiet for a moment.

FRANSWAH

Oh come on, this is getting ridiculous.

GUSTAV

We were almost there too. I feel sick.

MOP

Well at least we aren’t in that horrible world of endless grass like last time.

They all mutter together: “Yes, That’s True, Yep”.

Suddenly a Diablo-esque Tome of Town Portal appears in the blackness next to them. The three exclaim and step back.

FRANSWAH

Oh sure, like that isn’t bleeding obvious.

MOP

Well, I guess it’s our only option.

MOP enters the portal.

FRANSWAH

Wait! That’s what they want us to do!

GUSTAV

Yeah, but it’s not like we can stand here in darkness forever. Come on, let’s see what’s on the other side.

GUSATV enters the portal leaving FRANSWAH standing alone. After a time, FRANSWAH talks.

FRANSWAH

Oh gee, I wonder where I’m supposed to go next. Surely not this inconspicuous big blue portal.

He pauses.

FRANSWAH

Really? This is my only option? Can’t you send a town-car? Or perhaps I could get a private jet, eh?

He pauses again.

FRANSWAH.

Ugh, fine.

He leaps into the portal. The warp animation plays and he arrives in the middle of some Diablo 2 town.

There is a pause.

FRANSWAH

Yep. Totally didn’t see this coming.

FIN

Update, 10.20.08

2008-11-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

WeGame has undergone a makeover! We've completely redesigned the site so that it is cleaner, more intuitive, with better user interactivity and all sorts of new goodies. You can now subscribe to my channel and the channels of all your other favorite authors on WeGame, so head on over and check out all our new features.

I am SO close to finishing the fourth episode of Dynamic Action Team. I should publish it in a day or two. I'll be sure to alert everyone subscribed to me on Twitter, subscribed to my Blog and following me on WeGame. Which reminds me, since I publish the D.A.T. episodes with my BMD account, be sure to subscribe to it as well :P

My movie Mighty Morphin' Midget Gnomes UINTE! got lost somewhere in the site migration so it isn't available on WeGame for the moment, but we should get it up here shortly. I'll let you know when it is back.

I've appeared on StumbleUpon, and you can check out my account here:

Oxhorn on StumbleUpon

Weekly Video Review #41

Machinima Neglected

2008-11-09T12:38:00.001-08:00

Machinima is probably the most useful way for a video game company to promote its game, and yet I think it has been sadly neglected. Even though in the hands of a talented author, machinima can make a game appealing to a potential player who would have never played otherwise, and even though a video game company would get free advertising from all the potential authors out there if they released some machinima tools, few game companies to date have developed such tools for their games.

Recently I've been making machinima with World of Warcraft and Team Fortress 2. There are machinima tools available to both games that are powerful, but all these tools are insufficient, lacking in many ways and little attention is paid to improving them by the game companies.

For instance, the user-made WoW Model and Map Viewers for World of Warcraft allow you to do some great compositing, but there is no tool available to the machinimator to summon characters or monsters in an actual 3-dimensional environment (aside from using a private--illegal--server), which would lead to greater realism, and there is no lip-syncing mechanism. Indeed, the best way to convey expression or emotion with WoW is to use emotes, but you can't speed or slow these up in-game—thus you are forced to composite.

Team Fortress 2 (and other Valve games) has a tool called Faceposer, and it in conjunction with the real game and tools like Garrys Mod allow you to do many complicated things, including lip-syncing, facial expression manipulating, and even bot-programming. All these tools, however, are over-complicated, clumsy, with poor interfaces and a very steep learning curve.

Gaming companies need to invest time and money into developing machinima tools for their games that have clean, intuitive interfaces and give the machinimator absolute control over character expressiveness, design, cameras and world interaction. The most important thing, however, is that the game is, itself, a great game. Any game that has focused exclusively on machinima has failed for one reason—people watch machinima because it is made with game artwork they recognize and enjoy. The fun of machinima is seeing a character model that you see every day, but seeing it do something it doesn't do in the real game. The Movies, a game released a few years ago with the sole purpose of allowing the user to make a movie with video game art, is shutting down this December for just this reason. No one watched The Movies machinima. It wasn't from any real game, no one had any attachment to the characters and other artwork, and there was no built-in audience of people who could relate to it. If people want to watch an animated movie, they'll watch something that looks good—a CGI Pixar-ish movie. The only reason people watch machinima is because they relate to the game (or genre, like MMO) the movie is made with because they've played it.

Gaming companies who are producing new games have a real opportunity to spend some time designing machinima tools that will give their players the abilities they need to make charming, potentially viral movies that will advertise their game. Before SPORE was released, Will Wright was interviewed and asked about machinima. He said that SPORE had some built in machinima tools, but now that the game is released, we've discovered that there really are none. Yes, you can take screenshots, record movies and make animated gifs. But none of this is useful for making machinima. You can't even hide the user interface in the game. You have to go out of your way to make machinima with SPORE, and because of this, I see very little of it being made in the future, to EA's own detriment.

To write a list of all the tools a machinimator would need is too big of a task for this post, but I'll end by saying that the next game that is a good game AND releases well-polished tools for the active machinimator will see more user-generated free advertising than it could ever buy.