Melanie Marie - My Journey

Life is a mystery

2008-05-22T17:44:00.002-04:00

Mr. P and I are still together and I have never been so happy. Last week I realized that because of him, I finally realize that 'I' matter. My dad says that is something he has been trying to get my mom to realize for almost 36 years. I hope she realizes it soon, cause it is an awesome thing to know.

To be honest, I have always been a loaner. In order to spend time around people I had to have a lot of time alone. I was worried that it was going to be really hard to live together in such a small area. We have now been here almost 4 months and I am still excited to get home from work. I actually feel like I don't get enough time with him!

Settling

2008-03-14T10:29:00.002-04:00

The wise and pretty Mir said that its better to seek than to settle. She was talking about finding the right church home but I find that this applies to where I am at in my life too. I don't want to settle and I am starting to buckle under the stress. I just don't know how to do what I need to do without crushing someone. How do you push someone away when they have nothing and no where to go? I can't do that, even if it means more stress and pain for me.

We had a fight and I'm covered in bruises...

2008-02-25T10:32:00.007-05:00

The two are completely unrelated!

We had our first official fight. It started yesterday at lunch and continued into the wee hours of the morning. As of this morning, we have it mostly resolved. Mostly. I still have a few things that I need to discuss and I have a feeling he wants to just forget that it ever happened. But I am a person who needs to have resolution and understanding. I hope he can deal with that. We both avoid conflict at all costs but I know that is not good for me, him or us.

I hope he is willing to be a partner in this relationship because right now I feel like I am alone. I feel like he is looking out for himself and barely regarding our relationship (let alone looking out for me and my well being).

As for the bruises, Mr. P LOVES fish. In addition to bringing 2 cats with him, he also came with a 5-gallon fish tank, a 10-gallon fish tank, a 20-gallon fish tank and a 55-gallon fish tank (there is also a 2-gallon tank being kept in the closet at the moment). I used to have a fish tank of my own, but decided it was way too much work and got rid of it before I moved into this smaller apartment (less than 800 sq. ft). Needless to say, we have fish coming out our ears!

Mr. P has a beautiful fish in the 55-gallon tank, it is just too aggressive for some of the other fish and needs a new home. We decided that we would set up a 55-gallon tank in my office, then manga, the 2 barbs and orangie will have a new home. It was my job to wash the gravel for the new tank... all 75 pounds of it. I spent most of yesterday afternoon on my knees in front of the shower. I had a big bucket filled with 25 pounds of gravel and water. The cleaning process was like kneading bread dough... except with rocks, and on your knees, covered in cold water. Today, my forearms have huge swollen, bruised spots where I was leaning on the tub for leverage. (Also the same EXACT part of the arm that rests on your desk when you type...) I got about 35 pounds cleaned... and I think that is all that I have in me. Poor fish, they better hope Mr. P is willing to clean the rest.

This is a big week, its going to be my nephew's 3rd birthday this weekend! I get to have my own little party with him tonight and I'm in charge of the birthday cake! I think I will make him one in the shape of a hammer or wrench, he is ALL about tools right now.

ch-ch-changes

2008-02-19T20:52:00.003-05:00

I never imagined I could be so happy or feel so good. Mr. P moved in with me 3 weeks ago and I can't believe that I lived so long without him! I love having him here, I love being together. I feel much happier, more content and stable than I ever have.

We have been together for six months, I can't believe how much my life has changed in that time. I'm not sure what is instore for the future but I am excited to find out, no matter what it is.

Still Alive....II

2007-11-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Obviously I am taking a break from blogging. Not only are things crazy in my personal life, work has taken over every spare minute that I have.

Things are good, still dating Mr.P. Work is going through reorganization and restructuring of both companies. Since they are businesses that my father started and I'm now one of the managers, my involvement goes far deeper than if I had another job!

I've also been up and down with my health. Currently I'm dealing with gallstones and scheduling surgery to have my gallbladder removed.

Hopefully I will be back soon to start blogging again. I miss it and all the wonderful, funny people that I met. I've also not had time to keep up with my friends blogs and I hope to have time for that again soon!

PS- as far as the Tom saga goes... I'm still hearing from the idiot! But thankfully his psycho ex has stopped harrassing me. But it has been 2 weeks since he has last contacted me and I have high hopes that I will never hear from him again! HA! We will see!

Tom Update Part 1

2007-09-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

I had to look back to see when the last update I did on Tom was. WOW. Have I got shit to tell you guys. I also realized that this is going to have to be in multiple posts because there is too much good stuff to try to cram it all in one post.

About a month ago I signed into my yahoo acct to check my email. It showed that I had an offline instant message waiting from Tom. The message was as follows:

:)

My reply consisted of : ????

When I got home that night I checked to see if he had responded. He had, and he was online waiting to talk to me. This started the strangest conversation of my life. We chatted back and forth. He asked if I missed him and what I missed most. I tried to get him to explain what the hell happened, why he just stopped talking to me and why on earth he was contacting me now. It was a very confusing conversation as he was avoiding my questions and telling me how the current/ex girlfriend (depending on who you ask) was the greatest thing in his life. That she was so good, kind, caring, loving sweet and WONDERFUL. During his explanation of how perfect this woman is, I was trying to get him to answer some questions but he would just ignore me. He started asking me what I missed the most about him and was NOT satisfied when I said that I missed just having him to talk to. He tried to get me to change my answer over and over. Just when I was starting to get pissed off, my cell phone rang.

Me: hello?
Caller: This is Jennifer
Me: Jennifer..........??
Caller: Tom's girlfriend... I wanted to tell you that it is not Tom you are talking to on the computer, it is me.

WOAH. Let's just pause here and admire the level of this woman's craziness.....

The phone call lasted well over 30 minutes (I know, I know... I wish I was better at being rude to people but I am one of those dumb asses that cant hang up on a telemarketer). Jennifer had demanded that Tom give her his password to his computer and he GAVE it to her. Very Nice.

Jennifer was wanting to get me to hate Tom (like I needed help with that) and like her (um.....NO). She said that Tom had done 'this' before, meaning finding women to talk to just to piss her off. She reassured me that she did things to piss him off too, but that deep down they were meant for each other. She said that she had contacted all of the women that he has done this with and was now good friends with all of them (um...... FUCK NO). This crazy, psychotic woman was wanting to be FRIENDS. I made it perfectly clear that I wanted nothing more to do with either of them. I told her that the last person that I had contact with in this relationship was HER when she was emailing me through myspace. She started getting pissy when I wasn't falling in to best friend mode with her.

So now thanks to Tom, little miss crazy pants has my phone number, email address as well as my home address. Which she made very clear at the end of the conversation, she would use to find me to beat me senseless if I ever had anything more to do with Tom. I finally ended the conversation by yelling FUCK OFF into the phone and then promptly chucking it across the room.

Update 3.12

2007-08-25T04:16:00.000-04:00

Ok... dad was released from the hospital yesterday. Still on drugs and still in pain but getting better bit by bit.

I am doing better. This morning I got up to go to work and my car was dead. I had to get my mom to come over and give me a jump. By the time I got to work I was able to stay for 20 minutes before I was in tears. So doing MUCH better.

The redneck piece of crap, never want to think about it let alone blog about it saga is STILL going on.

To top it all off, I just had my first official fight with Mr. P. I am NOT a fighter. It was horrible. It was a combination of both our faults and a direct result of being in a long distance relationship.

I'm exhausted. I will post tomorrow... I swear.

One Step At A Time

2007-08-21T18:21:00.000-04:00

My dad's still in the hospital and will most likely be there for a few more days. But things have not gotten worse for him so that is good.

I'm off work for the rest of the week on doctor's orders because I have strep throat. What fun!

Hopefully I will be able to give a post on the Redneck-Soap-Opera-Smack-Down as apparently it is still going on! Oh my god!

Prayers Needed

2007-08-19T23:03:00.000-04:00

I went down to see Mr. P again this weekend and got a call this morning from my sister. My dad was admitted to the hospital this morning for a Staph Infection. I've yet to see him but it sounds like he might be doing a little better. They will keep him for a few days. I will post once I get the time but it might be a bit. Please send prayers in this direction.

Mr. P

2007-08-15T09:29:00.000-04:00

I cracked up when I logged in and saw my title from my last post. I'm Survived. Nice.

I want to include a little disclaimer. I am not going to hold ANYTHING back. If you do not want to read about my sex life then for the love of Pete.... STOP reading! To my sister and brother.... stop reading NOW! :) OK, you've been warned.

On with the show. I drove down to Indiana on Friday afternoon. I arrived at the hotel around 7:30pm and called Mr. P to let him know I was there. I also called my mother to let her know and I had talked to my sister on the way down.

He arrived at the hotel to pick me up to go to dinner. Nothing has ever felt so awkward. We just kind of walked up to each other and stood there. No kiss, no hug, just a whole lot of anxiety and nerves. We arrived at the restaurant and had to wait for a table. MORE awkwardness. We just sat there and tried to make small talk. Mr. P is a really quiet guy normally and then if you add a huge case of nerves on top of it.... he clams right up.

We made it through dinner, he had a drink to try to relax and I didn't have a drink to try to avoid throwing up on him (successful on both sides). We decided to take a drive to see some of the amazing mansions around there. I was afraid that he was NEVER going to make a move on me but I didn't want to make the first one either so I took his hand. Apparently that had the right effect. Soon he pulled the car over by a residential lake and he leaned over and kissed me.

The End.

OK, not really but that WAS the end of my hope of not sleeping with him that weekend! :)

I have never experienced such an amazing first kiss! If I hadn't been sitting down I think my legs would have buckled!

The rest of the weekend is a blur of sex, sleeping, eating and more sex! It was wonderful!!!! We also did some other things (like feed the ducks at the park) but really it was all either sex or a short break from sex.

Yes, we did talk and we had an amazing connection on an emotional level but I know that you guys really are not interested in that! :)

So back to the sex. It was AMAZING. He knew exactly where to touch me and what to do. Let me tell you about his tongue. This man has the most amazing tongue in the entire world. I practically had an orgasm just from kissing him.

It was also a VERY educational weekend for me. I'm very inexperienced in all things sexual so this weekend included a lot of new things for me. Let me say... Mr. P is a VERY good teacher! I learned that I really enjoy the male body and all the wonderful things it can do and that I like the things I can do with it!

Alright, that about sums it up. Well, not really but I'm getting way too turned on remembering all of this! Have questions? Please ask!

Next post will hopefully be an update on the STILL continuing saga of the 'Redneck Soap Opera Smackdown.'

I'm Survived!!!!!

2007-08-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

I just got home.

I had the BEST time of my life!

More info after I get some sleep!

Update on #4

2007-08-09T09:58:00.000-04:00

I wanted to give you an update on #2 but I don't have the time to do it justice at the moment. For now you will have to settle with #4, which should be twice as good as #2 (ha ha ha, shut up, I need sleep).

I met this guy in a chat room and we have really hit it off. He lives about 4 hours away from me and I am going down to meet him this weekend. I have never done anything like this before but I am really excited.

I will post his full name, address, phone number, email address, screen name, pin number and mother's maiden name before I leave town. If you don't hear from me by next week, you will know what to do. Please God, don't let him be a serial killer (or someone who likes poetry... I hate poetry).

In other news, I have lost about 30 pounds (in three months), which is great. Except I lost most of it in my boobs, which is not so good. Except my boobs were HUGE to begin with and now they are normal sized. I went to the store that is owned by the 'Bra Nazi' as I like to call her. They have all sorts of amazing underthings and you also get a free feel up with every bra! Nothing I like better than standing topless in front of a strange woman only to have her put a bra on me and then start adjusting my boobs. I found out that I went down 3 cup sizes and 2" in band size. I got this wonderful new bra that raises my boobs to about eyebrow level. Its so sexy. I keep getting startled by my boobs. All of a sudden they pop out of no where. Very strange.

Still Alive....

2007-08-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

WOW.

Boy did I have a weekend!

This is a brief update brought to you in list form. (I know, I'm such a tease)

1. I've gone on to have many more flashing sessions over the Internet but this time I knew what I was doing. (Just kidding Mandy, seeing if you are paying attention)

2. Friday I heard from Tom. That is where most of the WOW comes from.

3. Girl's Weekend was fun.... lots of drinking, gabbing, shopping and laying in the sun!

4. I met someone new. He is awesome!

5. My computer has a virus and I have an ear infection... we are spending so much time together that we share everything. Soon our cycles will be the same!

5. The salad that I ate for lunch made me kinda gassy. (you're welcome)

I will provide more on #'s 2 and 4 shortly and email me if you want to hear more about my gas.

My Encounter with a Flasher!

2007-07-31T08:45:00.000-04:00

I have been chatting online with someone new for a few days now. I don't expect it to go any where but it is fun so I'm going with it. I have a web cam that I bought when I first started talking to Tom, he is the only person I have used it to chat with besides my brother. Well this guy (Mr. X) has a cam and in the beginning of talking I told him I did not have one. He was fine with that; I have pics that I can share and I'm more comfortable doing that. Last night he brought it up again (wanting to see me) and I felt fairly comfortable with him at that point so I decided I would hook up my camera.

Cue the dramatic music.

We had been chatting away for a while when all of a sudden he stood up. My heart flipped in terror. If you are not familiar with chatting online with web cameras.... well let's just say that if you don't know the person you can NEVER know what to expect to see.

Thankfully he just walked away from the camera, basically showing me what he looks like (yes, with clothes on). He is from a different country and his English is not the greatest (that is why I'm sure it is not going anywhere) so sometimes it takes a little work to figure out what he is trying to say. For example when he was trying to say that he wanted to see me on camera he actually said that he wanted to see me on him. Which was a little awkward. But we finally straightened it out. :)

Some important details you should know. It was about 10:30pm and I was in nothing but my silk robe because it was hot out and I had my A/C turned warmer than usual. I live alone and am comfortable walking around my apartment half dressed. I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch and my laptop was on the coffee table. All he could see on the camera was above my shoulders.

After he showed me what he looked like from head to toe he started asking me to do the same thing. I told him no. I explained that I wasn't dressed and that would be embarrassing. We went back and forth for quite some time about it, just having fun teasing each other. At one point he turned his chair around and refused to look at the camera, trying to get me to comply. I just laughed at him. We went on to talk about other things but soon he came back to the subject.

At this point I was starting to get annoyed and even if I had thought about standing up, he had bugged me too much and I was refusing just because he was being annoying. Then as 'punishment' he shut his camera off. Which was no big deal to me. In response I shut my camera off. So we were basically having a Mexican stand off. Both of us sitting there with our cameras off and both waiting for the other to say something. I had been sitting on the floor for a few hours at this point and I was getting a little sore. So I leaned back on the couch and stretched my arms out to the side.

It was at this point he started typing something. I couldn't understand what he was saying so he typed it again.... 'nipple'.... came up on the screen. I sat there trying to think of all of the things he could possibly mean... then I glanced up and saw the little green light on my web cam still lit up.

I had closed MY view of my camera. It was in fact still on.

I was sitting there with my robe untied, which was no big deal until I leaned back and stretched my arms. At that point my robe must have come all the way open. I had just given Mr. X a full frontal shot while refusing to show him what I looked like FULLY DRESSED.

I have never been so mortified. On the plus side, Mr. X assured me that I have lovely nipples. (Someone shoot me now).

A Brand New Me!

2007-07-28T19:46:00.000-04:00

Or at least some brand new feet! I had my pedicure this afternoon and it was wonderful! I had the whole salon listening intently at my update on the Tom situation. I've not been there in 3 weeks and the last my technician knew things with Tom were great. So needless to say, everyone was laughing and Cindee (my tech) was so angry at Tom! I offered to give her his address so she could vent her anger! Then all of the women there were giving me advice on where I should go to meet guys and one even wanted to hook me up with her son! Uh... thanks! :) Then I spent a little too much time in the sun and now I'm supposed to be cleaning but I'm chatting with a bunch of different people on the puter! Time for a martini!!

Friday Fill-in

2007-07-27T14:00:00.000-04:00

Janet is sponsoring 'Friday Fill-in' and it looked like some fun! My answers are in bold

1. Yesterday I was excited about a possible new relationship.
2. Today I am missing my old relationship.
3. Tomorrow I will get a pedicure.
4. Someday I'm going to go to Alaska.
5. I will never say I will never do something (unless it involves eating bugs)!
6. I might get a tatoo.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Girls Night Out!, tomorrow my plans include sleeping and cleaning my apartment and Sunday, I want to fall in love! (or at least watch a good movie!)

SPF Friday!

2007-07-26T18:53:00.000-04:00

Ok the theme for this week was "Rainbow" and you can't tell cause the little goober made a move to grab my phone as I was taking the picture but there is a rainbow of colors on top of the lions head on her bib. I decided to use this picture because Ella more than anything is my rainbow. She is bright, colorful and full of life!

Email from a Friend

2007-07-25T13:06:00.000-04:00

One night, I had a wondrous dream; One set of footprints there was seen. The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
"Those prints are large and round and neat, But, Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones. "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait.

You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of-faith you would not know. So I got tired and fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt,

Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Captivating

2007-07-23T20:27:00.000-04:00

I have had the book "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge for years. I have attempted to read it a few times but found it too painful. I clearly wasn't in the right place in my life where it would have been helpful to read. I arrived at that place about 4 months ago.

It's a very nice place. I've never been here before. I found it so new and exciting that I ran ahead on the path and tasted some of the wonderful things to come. Now I'm retracing my steps a little to get back in step with the Lord and rejoin Him on my journey.

The book starts off with a quote that really speaks to me
"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

I have been on a very specific branch of my journey for about a year and a half. I have come such a far way in such a short time that I can't even believe it. It is taking a lot of time and pain but the results have blown me away. The best part is that it's not even close to being over. I'm not close to being done! This is just the beginning!

I have no idea what lies ahead for me but I am certain that it is wonderful, beautiful, painful and priceless.

I have struggled with depression for so long and have been barely alive. When I came to the place that I'm in now, I just ran. Ran as far and as fast as I could from all the 'bad' feelings. I didn't want to remember the pain. I wanted to bathe in the happiness, pleasure and contentment. And that was fine for a while, it was a nice vacation. But I still have a long way to go and I don't want to stop and settle down here when I know that better things are waiting for me. I must remember what it was like in order to really appreciate what a miracle it is that I'm here.

I started this blog as a way to get myself to journal more. Then as I got more involved with reading other people's blogs it changed. I wanted people to be able to get to know me (like I was them). I've always struggled with being a 'good girl', wanting everyone to like me. It was my sole goal in life to please everyone and to make sure they were happy. You can see where the depression comes in, can't you? I've slid back into that role with this blog. I want to make people laugh, to let them know that they matter... to be important to them. Slowly, that became the purpose of this blog.

I'm taking my blog back to it's original purpose. I'm going to use it as a journal for this leg of my journey. For some reason it is easier to get myself to journal when there is a little 'publish' button involved. Oh, well, what ever works. I will be writing for me and so I'm might not take the time to explain the back stories or try to clarify what I mean. I'm sorry if it turns out to be confusing but, well... it's my blog! :)

I'm sure that I will still have the random posts that are really weird (or just dumb). I might be funny from time to time (it could happen!) after all I am a weird and funny person. But I will wade into the deep end of the pool from time to time... you've been warned!

Down and Out

2007-07-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

We I got hit by something at then end of last week and right now I'm so sick that just walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water leaves me short of breath. Good thing I have this 800 page book to read! Except, do you have any idea how heavy an 800 page book is?? I swear that it must weigh about 40 pounds! (OK, I might be exaggerating by a pound or two but come on! Its freaking heavy!)

I had to cancel my pedicure yesterday because salons are hard enough for me to handle when I'm feeling fine (different smells, chemicals etc. are asthma triggers). Then late yesterday I ventured over to my sister's apartment and I just about died on the walk over. It's like a tenth of a mile from here. My visit there was short and then I came home and went to bed.

Today I have spent all day just sitting around reading. I finally got in the shower about 2 hours ago and by the time I was done I was exhausted. As I'm sitting here I sound like a kitten purring I'm wheezing so loud. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those nights when I wheeze so loud I wake myself up! Good times! :)

On the plus side, I'm on page 554 of the Harry Potter book. I'm enjoying it but I will be sad when it is over. I didn't read the first book until last year, I never thought I would like them. One day I was stranded at my mom's house and didn't have anything to read. I found my brother's copy of the 1st book and started reading it. That night I went to the book store and bought books 2-6. I finished them all with in 2 weeks. I love them!

I Tried to be Good!

2007-07-20T21:45:00.000-04:00

I'm all wooted out! I was a good girl and did not stay up all night last night wooting. But I wooted all day today and up until about and hour ago. It's over now and had a crappy ending but I had fun!

Fair warning, I'm getting the Harry Potter book delivered here tomorrow morning so I won't be posting until after I'm finished reading it! I do have to take a break from reading to go get a pedicure but I figure that will ensure that I take a shower this weekend and change out of my pj's at least once! :)

I'm so excited for that stinking book! Who lives? Who dies???? The anticipation!

I'm being good... I swear!

2007-07-19T12:23:00.001-04:00

It was well after 10 am before I checked on Woot. Turns out that they are having a Woot-Off right now. Thankfully I was up all last night sick with asthma so I was in no shape to monitor the Internet. (Yes, I just said I was thankful that I was suffering from asthma... there is something seriously wrong with me!)

OK, so I am going to allow myself to keep track of what is for sale but I must make myself stay away from the forums. That is what sucked me in last time. I made some friends and we talked and talked for 3 days straight! Must not chat!

In other news, I have made a few changes that I wanted to point out. I created a section called "Awesome Artists I Know" and I really encourage everyone who stops by here to check them out. They are really gifted people! Miriam is going to be taking a little break from performing to have her first baby! We went out to Boone's Restaurant last weekend to see her perform, I'm sorry, we went to see her AND her brother perform. She is so beautiful and talented! Now she is 7 months pregnant and still rocks!!! If you go to her website you can get a sample of her music!

To Woot or Not to Woot

2007-07-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned Woot before but never explained what it is. Woot is a website that puts one thing up for sale at 1am EST. They don't tell you how many they have for sale and once they are gone, they are gone. First come, first serve. You can find some amazing deals on lots of different items.

Then once in a while they have something called a 'woot-off'. They put something up for sale like normal but then when it sells out, they put something else up for sale. This can go on for days. They had one a couple of months ago and I spent way too much time, energy and money on the thing. I know it was a waste for me. But here's the thing. I received their newsletter and in it they allude to there being another woot-off on Thursday. Meaning tonight.... I know that I should stay away but it is fun and exciting and like crack... how can I say no???

On the other hand, I had just decided that I need to stay away from the Internet until I receive and read my copy of the last Harry Potter book. I don't want anything to be ruined. Just this morning I stumbled across some stuff that could have potentially ruined it for me... on Woot's website. I never imagined that I could run into trouble there!

What's a girl to do?

Who Knew?

2007-07-18T10:16:00.000-04:00

You can have so much more energy when you can breathe properly! It's amazing, now if I add a little food to my day... I will be unstoppable!

Wonderful World of Medicine

2007-07-17T09:22:00.000-04:00

I got the results from my ultra-sound back and the doctor says that I do have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.... just without the cysts. So my ovaries looked normal.

But she says that having cysts on your ovaries is not a mandatory part of having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Uh, yeah... I'm thinking second opinion. I'm sure she is right but if a doctor told me that I had a brain tumor.... except for the tumor part.... I would get a second opinion on that too. Just in case. :)