mooky hatey

Chantelle

2006-05-12T14:36:00.000+01:00

Chantelle, the flea ridden skank, who won the loathsome excuse for a television programme "Celebrity" Big Brother has signed a deal for her life story. The stupid cunt, who was lobotimised at birth, tragically entered our view after appearing on the rancid filth that sadly keeps loud-mouth bore Davina McCall's career alive. The deal is worth £300,000 and comes from Random House of Idiots Publishing.

The three questions, which have yet to be answered are:

1. Why the fuck would anyone care what's happened in the silly bitch's uneventful and highly offensive life?

2. Which genius thought it was worth £300,000?

3. And as the cow is only 22 what will the book actually include?

Although her name will be on the cover, Chantelle herself cannot read or write. With a head full of sawdust she struggles to remember her own name. But unfortunately "celebrity" books seem to be where we are these days so we thought we'd have a stab at the content. Although we'd obviously rather stab her.

She had a passing career as a Paris Hilton lookalike. Probably because she's white, blonde and pig shit thick. That'll be one chapter. She had a failed career as a model. Probably because she is ugly, has a moustache, which is still very evident in spite of the industrial bleach she applies and crap tits. Two chapters.
She was on the Muppet Show, or Celebrity Big Brother as its officially known. Most of the chapters. She is being balled by a barely famous mockney wanker who has one sqinty eye and dresses like he's been kitted out by Oxfam circa 1970. The rest of the chapters.

No doubt the book will include vomit inducing pictures of the ridiculous slit eyed freak inanely smiling, with Preston hovering sheepishly in the background wondering if it's too late to call the whole thing off... once the cheques from OK, Closer and Heat have cleared of course.

The biggest concern raised by the continued presence of this vacuous clown though is that the UK is so lacking in talent, so devoid of culture, that as a nation we not only want more Chantelle, but have nothing better to offer. Sadly this means that her career, and the wretched bitch herself, might persist for years to come like a pus ridden tumor.

Usher

2006-04-30T13:15:00.001+01:00

Ugliest man in pop: fact.

Sideways shaver on Gillette advert

2006-04-30T13:15:00.000+01:00

What the hell are you doing racing your three-bladed razor horizontally across your chin at 70 mph? That really is the height of cuntiness. If the advert went on for a few more seconds we'd see a trickle of blood slowly appear, followed by a massive flap of chin skin dropping off your face. That'll look good with your chiselled jaw won't it? Reckless hoob.

Pete Doherty

2006-04-30T13:14:00.002+01:00

Sweaty, drug addled, baby-faced cunt. Did I leave out 'spoon-faced'? Sorry. He's an arrogant, mildly talented, supermodel marrying, spoon-faced cunt.

Missy Elliott

2006-04-30T13:14:00.001+01:00

Fat idiot incapable of producing anything other than bouncy teeny pop kak. "Is it worth it?" Not if you've put your name to it you blinged up, hoop-eared panda cunt.

Michael Winner

2006-04-30T13:14:00.000+01:00

What have you won? Nothing you cunt. Another bizarre example of where a celebrity of some creative merit (emphasis on 'some') spunks it all away by doing a ridiculously annoying advert. 'Calm down dear?' I am calm, it's just that you're a massive tosser.

Michael Caine

2006-04-30T13:12:00.000+01:00

Monosyllabic, mockney old tit. Stay in America where they think the shitness of your delivery is just a quirk of the English accent. Daft cunt.

Jeremy Paxman

2006-04-30T13:11:00.000+01:00

You smug fool. Clearly a man who was (deservedly) beaten up daily at school. Petit, shouty, little bully with a face like a haggard rectangle. Instead of trying to win arguments by questioning the syntax of every sentance, why don't you ask intelligent questions? Oh you can't? Is that because you're a fraudulent cunt? Ah I see, well then, take your cheap suits and unblinking eyes and fuck off. Devil's Advocate? Crusty spunk on the Devil's cunt flaps more like.

Jeff Brazier

2006-04-30T12:55:00.000+01:00

The chav-faced adonis who used to stick his widdler into pig-faced Goody. 1/ Who are you? 2/ Why do you keep opening your mouth? 3/ You look like a bleached bog brush. 4/ You're about as newsworthy as a fart in a sewage plant.

Jade Goody

2006-04-30T12:54:00.002+01:00

Who the fuck is this flabby slab of offel? Keep your disgusting pig-nosed face/snout firmly nuzzled in a trough - preferably one filled with shit.

Going up at the end of every sentence

2006-04-30T12:54:00.001+01:00

What on earth do you think you're doing? Think about how what you're about to say would look if you wrote it down. If there's no question mark there don't fucking add one you annoying turd.

Derek from Big Brother

2006-04-30T12:54:00.000+01:00

Because he talks like a complete cunt.

Delmonte, the man from

2006-04-30T12:53:00.001+01:00

Stop putting your hands all over my fruit. Unhygienic git.

Davina Mccall

2006-04-30T12:53:00.000+01:00

Condescending, parrot-nosed bitch who shits out kids like she's got diarrhea of the cunt.

David Schwimmer

2006-04-30T12:52:00.001+01:00

Speaks like a puppet that's being bummed and punched in the stomach at the same time.

Daniel Bedingfield

2006-04-30T12:52:00.000+01:00

Is he even a person? If he is he's a fat one. He can't respond to even the most mundane question without acting like a drug-crazed, 'high on life' cunt. Someone give this talentless ADHD shitbag a Ritalin overdose before we razorblade ourselves to death. Greasy haired, fairly-fit-sistered fuck.

Crazy Frog

2006-04-30T12:51:00.001+01:00

Pipe penis-ed little shitfuck. About as fun as leprosy.

Colin Farrell

2006-04-30T12:51:00.000+01:00

What a massive cunt. Poor man's Pitt with a shiny face that looks like it's been covered in handfuls of his own semen. An actor of great merit featuring such facial expressions as: "furrowed brow" and "sultry brood" - what more could anyone ask for? Perhaps "fuck off you tar-lunged, hairy-faced cunt"?

Billy Elliot

2006-04-30T12:50:00.001+01:00

Big little gay geordie.

Ashton Kutcher

2006-04-30T12:50:00.000+01:00

Ashton Kunter more like. Insisted on wearing his "I'm a Madonna rimming, fad religion worshipping", Kabbalah red bracelet through the entire filming of his new movie (which they then had to spend a fortune digitising off his wrist). Speaks in a mixture of shouts a bit like he's talking to someone who's as spastic as he is.

Akon (aka "Lonely, so Lonely")

2006-04-30T12:49:00.000+01:00

Lonely eh? Do you know why that is Acorn? It's because you're an irratating, chipmunk chorus loving turd that's why.