papel-blog

blog interrupted

2009-02-18T10:26:00.002-05:00

Five things that led to the accidental hiatus of this blog:

1. The more Jonathan Papelbon became a walking self-parody, the harder it got to come up with new and original funny things to say about him, and it always felt weird to transition into being just another Red Sox blog, because there are so many great ones out there already.
2. Blogspot sucks.
3. Josh Beckett’s oblique injury broke our hearts.
4. Blogspot really sucks.
5. Blogspot really, really sucks.

So given that we’re stuck in the tall grass of the worst time of the year for any sports fan (football is over, NBA is still stumbling back from the All-Star Break, 42-year-old pitchers are ambling around Florida pretending they enjoy doing wind sprints), we figured the time was ripe to set up a new, more grab-baggy sports blogging set of digs.

don’t quit, don’t even quit.

We’ll still be discussing Papelbon’s K/9, the Josh Beckett Press Conference Drinking Game and the upside of trading Julio Lugo for a bag of balls and then using the bag of balls to throw at Julio Lugo. But we’ll also mix in Kelly’s desire to attend a PFLAG meeting with Jeff Garcia’s mom, Katie’s March Madness bracket and, of course, the fact that A-Rod slaps balls. We hope you’ll join us!

break out your styx river dogs cap and jacket

2008-09-11T12:11:00.003-04:00

In the middle of the 13th inning, I thought to myself, "You know, no matter what happens, the bullpen has really stepped up tonight. Seven scoreless innings from Okajima, Masterson, Delcarmen and Lopez? With Papelbon unavailable, this was huge. No matter what happens, you've got to feel good about that."

Unfortunately, "no matter what happens" logic never ever, ever, ever holds up in the morning unless what happens is that your team wins.

i woke up and remembered that we lost that game and i was angry all over again.

2008-09-10T10:14:00.002-04:00

Really, Paps? On my birthday? Really?

back, ready, rested

2008-09-09T09:21:00.002-04:00

Yeah, we stopped posting again, and I could come up with a catchy excuse about why, but who cares? These are the times that ~~try men's souls~~ try a Papelblogger's liver. The Red Sox are engaged in a three-game set to determine who will emerge in first place in the AL East, and I can't spend the duration of the series making jokes about Derek Jeter's sexual orientation in order to cope. And judging from what went down in Foxboro on Sunday, football is not going to be the stress-reducing distraction from the pennant race that it has been in previous years.

Thoughts on last night's staring contest with the Rays:

[x] Jon Lester, let me know what you'd like to name my first-born.

[x] I love the re-animated corpse of Coco Crisp! But where did he come from? I credit the haircut.

[x] Jason Bay, your face is made of plastic, but sometimes you hit towering home runs. I don't think there's any need to try and resort to white guy dreads, I think we can make this work.

[x] Papelbon grabbing the mic from K.Tap to say, "Cinco Ocho, he don't know how he do, he just do," during his post-game interview officially has me slightly more worried than usual about his mental state. But as long as he keeps that K/9 and K/BB in double digits, he can do whatever he wants, I suppose. But when is Cinco Ocho going to demand his own locker? It seems inevitable.

[x] Rumor has it Derek Jeter's had a bottle of Champagne on ice in his locker since he heard about ARod's divor-- okay, okay, I know, we're playing the Rays for first place, I know, I just can't help it! Old habits die hard.

Seriously, this time we're back for good. If you can't tune in to see if Dustin Pedroia will win the batting title, what can you tune in for?

what happened to kansas city, a free win with every visit?

2008-08-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

I always feel like there's nothing worse than having Daisuke Matsuzaka turn in one of those agonizing performances where he, say, stretches 109 pitches over six innings but there were definitely points during the game when it seemed like he only might go 4.1 innings, and he only gives up two hits but he also gives up five walks and he gets away with only allowing two runs by striking out nine and stranding seven guys on base. When all's said and done it was a quality start with an impressive number of Ks, but you also felt like he was going to start blowing chunks at any moment.

Oh wait, THOSE WERE GIL MECHE'S STATS LAST NIGHT. Now I know -- it's torture watching Daisuke pitch what passes for "well" this season, but it's much, much, much worse for the other team.

Also, seriously, when was the last time Tampa Bay lost and the Red Sox won on the same night? They had Cliff Lee and you had the Kansas City Flippin' Royals and you couldn't get me a game in the standings? Do you want to push me over this ledge?

three games / five stages of grieving

2008-08-04T11:03:00.001-04:00

Weekend with the Athletics

Friday
I did not think it was possible that I could want to shank Julio Lugo more than I already do, but now that Jed Lowrie is playing while Lugo's on the DL, Julio Lugo is actually making me hate him more while doing absolutely nothing. Recently I learned that Jed Lowrie is from Salem, Oregon, where I spent three of the most miserable years of my life (AKA college). I wonder if he would have watched the 2002 World Series with me when none of my friends would and I ended up watching the entire thing alone in my studio apartment eating rice with peanut butter and drinking tap water, because I was a) broke and b) under 21. That would have been cool.

Jason Bay is like the new step-dad who is trying really, really hard to let you know that we're all one big happy family now. Every time he takes me out for ice cream, I worry that I'm being disloyal to Manny.

Saturday
Jon Lester had some spectacular starts in the month of July (thinking about his two games against the Yankees makes me weak in the knees), but Saturday's game was the kind of game that makes me think that he's really turned the corner and good Lester is not an illusion. After the home run and high pitch count disaster of a first inning, it looked like we were heading for a 4 runs/5 innings performance at the very best, but instead he toughed up and turned in six scoreless innings. I said this a couple times about Beckett last year -- your ace is the stopper, but he's also the guy who realizes he does not have his best stuff that day but is also able to keep you in the game and eat innings. Jon Lester appears to be that pitcher this season. The baby crab is officially all grown up.

Also on Saturday I saw a guy wearing a Manny jersey shirt and I felt like he was wearing a hot pink mini-dress to a funeral.

Sunday
I am a mostly sabermetricly-minded person, but, last year, there was a certain part of me that was like, "Beckett has 21 wins! 21 WINS! Give him the Cy Young already!" (Although I still think the argument can be made that he deserved it because of strength of opponents and park factors.) I feel like Daisuke Matsuzaka is on a one-man mission to punish me for having those feelings, as he is probably going to be the most frustrating pitcher to ever win 18 or 19 games in a season. Daisuke, I just want you to know: every time you take a batter to a 3-2 count, a kitten DIES.

You know how sometimes on the news, the anchor warns the viewing audience that the following footage may be disturbing to some viewers? I wish NESN would do that every time they show highlights of Manny in a Dodgers uniform.

then why was it all so good?

2008-08-02T20:44:00.001-04:00

Our belated thoughts on the Manny trade, thanks to a couple days spent locked out of the blog because Blogger erroneously thought we were spam.

kelly:
Recently Joe Posnanski wrote this great post about Brett Favre. Basically, he said that everything that made Brett Favre one of the greater quarterbacks ever is everything that's making Brett Favre the guy who doesn't care about untidying his legacy. I like this idea, because sometimes it's easy to forget that star athletes aren't actually fictional characters. They may show up on my TV more often than a Law and Order re-run, but there aren't any show runners behind the curtain scripting them into narrative arcs. There aren't very many happy endings in sports. Sometimes there's no real definitive ending at all.

Oh, Manny. I should have known that everything I loved about you was everything that was going to make it so messy when it was time for you to go.

katie:
So, Manny no longer being Manny, at least in Boston. So much to say, but thanks to Blogger thinking that we're spam (I sort of understand-- I mean, Papelbon is a bit of a walking advertisement these days -- maybe he's started hawking Russian mail order brides or something and google-bot got confused), we're a little late getting to this and the emotions have settled. Mostly, I'm annoyed at the attitudes involved and yes, as Kelly points out above, everything about Manny makes his childish exit unsurprising. Which is true and it's not so much him I'm irritated with -- I stopped being irritated with anything Manny does a long, long time ago.

What I'm actually sick of is every single time the Red Sox send a player who is popular with the fans out of town, there's always a series of conveniently-timed leaks from the front office about how unhappy everyone in the clubhouse is with the player, about how the organization tried to make this a good exit/keep the player but were unable to due to their inherent uncooperativeness, etc, etc, etc. It happened with Nomar, it happened with Pedro, it sort of happened with Schill, and it's happening again with Manny. I'm not saying it's not true. if I were a player on that team, I'd probably be irritated with all the superstars. But only to a point. I mean, professional athletes are used to insane, overpaid, and over-pampered prima donnas. and more than any player before, everyone knew how exasperating Manny could be. But just once I'd like to see a classy response from the front office about how the player has given a lot to the organization, but a business decision is a business decision so thanks and goodbye that isn't then undermined by playing on the Boston media's tendency to turn on any player with the slightest provocation. I mean, maybe they're not doing that, but it's awfully coincidental, you know?

Unrelated to all that, Jason Bay! I like that if we're going to add another boring white guy to the team that it's a Canadian one with (hopefully) neutral feelings on religion and not too much interest in making himself a New England folk hero. He seems like a decent fellow, really.

kelly:
Having spent a couple days telling people that I would like to sell them Viagra and XXX porn (you know, the usual spammer stuff), I've calmed down a little bit. I agree with Katie, the front office stuff is frustrating. It's like, yeah, all the rumors that are coming out are most likely true, but it doesn't make me feel good to have learned that stuff, you know? It increases the time between when I was bummed that Manny left and when everything was a fuzzy memory of good times, shenanigans and towering home runs.

I am prepared to embrace the Jason Bay era. Although, with Manny's departure and Lugo's trip to the DL (get well ~~soon~~ never!) the team has gotten ... awfully white. This is exacerbated by Bay, Drew and Lowrie batting right in a row, they look like the world's most WASPy, non-threatening set of triplets.

the glass is most decidedly half-empty

2008-07-29T21:30:00.003-04:00

Despite all the things that are going wrong with the Red Sox lately (and they are many, although I wouldn't know, exactly, because the shenanigans regarding a certain person with the initials M.A.R. have sent me into a rage-induced media blackout), at least we can add "is the kind of guy who breaks up a no-hitter in the ninth inning" to the legend of Dustin Pedroia, the scrappiest mighty midget to ever play the game of baseball.

At least that's something, right?

three friday afternoon things

2008-07-25T13:12:00.001-04:00

1. After my last post, I was walking down 4th Ave in Downtown Seattle and I heard some guy shouting out of a cab to someone on the street. I looked up to see what the guy in the cab was shouting about and, hanging his entire head out of the cab like a golden retriever was Jonathan Papelbon. No clue what he was shouting about, though.

2. Apparently JD Drew was a virgin until he was 26 years old. This explains a lot about fan complaints that he's passionless. Obviously he has a lot of experience keeping his emotions bottled up.

3. Beckett versus Joba tonight! I hope Beckett destroys him and makes his spleen into a hat.

field trip at safeco

2008-07-22T11:23:00.001-04:00

Once again, we fail at posting, and we don't even have a good excuse this time! But I did want to drop a quick note to let you all know that I am at least 67% responsible for last night's Christmas in July miracle, a win at Safeco Field.

Apparently, my attendance at a game is the anti-bellwether of the Red Sox home/road splits during the 2008 season. I've seen six games this season, two rare Fenway losses (the game where Lester had to start on three days rest, the frustrating Buccholz return two Fridays ago) and four rare road wins (the two games of the opening series that were played in Oakland, the comedy of errors 15 inning game in Baltimore and last night's game). So even though the Sox had just been swept by the Angels, I had no doubt that they were winning last night.

And, well, the pitching Jon Lester (let's all just forget about that nonsense in the eighth inning, baby crab is a motherfuckin' stopper) didn't hurt either.

P.S. - We ate lunch at a steakhouse on 3rd Ave, and the waitress looked at my shirt and said, "Oh, you just missed one of your players, he was here with his girlfriend." I asked to go find out which player, and she said, "Josh ... Buckett?" Good thing Katie wasn't with me, she might have wept. So I highly recommend Von's Grand City Cafe, they have a 34oz beer that they call a personal pitcher and Josh Beckett eats there.

P.P.S. - Continuing my near-misses with Sox players, I also jaywalked on the same street as Manny. I don't blame him, that entire area is a botched abortion, apparently they don't start running city buses until 90 minutes after the game ends. I actually missed the Green Line!

P.P.P.S. - No time to get caught up on everything we've missed, but -- Papelbon is going to name is baby Megatron, y/y?

trapped in tiny house

2008-07-02T09:46:00.000-04:00

Katie has a friend who is -- really and truly, and not to mention bravely, given that she lives in Boston -- a Tampa Bay fan. At Katie's birthday party a couple weeks ago, I was sitting next to her and I said, "I'm really happy for the Rays. Seriously! It's awesome! It must be so great for you guys." And probably a bunch of other stuff. I was kind of drunk. We were at Deep Ellum, and they have this beer that tastes just like gumdrops, and -- but I digress. I really have been happy for the now-reformed Satanists and their suffering fans over the last few months. But that happiness has a limit. And it turns out that I reached my limit during the first inning of last night's game.

Ugh.

81 games

2008-06-27T19:06:00.006-04:00

With 81 games in the books and 81 games remaining, many of our fellow Red Sox bloggers have posted mid-season progress reports. Many of these have been well-thought-out and educational. This mid-season report is neither of those things. We are going to grade the Red Sox players' performance based on how we would react if the individual player was on fire.

ranked in order of VORPOF (value over replacement player on fire)

JD Drew, VORPOF = 27.4 If I saw that JD Drew was on fire, I would just assume it had something to do with the Rapture, and that after spending a season suffering for our sins, JD Drew was clearly the second coming of Jesus Christ. Too soon to start calling him JC Drew?

Kevin Youkilis, VORPOF = 24.5 I would be so enraged to see Youk on fire that I would throw my batting helmet in the base path, slam something very large and heavy into the club house wall, and scream loudly in Manny's face in hopes that one of these things would appropriately convey to the world that I was ANGRY.

Manny Ramirez, VORPOF = 24.2 Consult with team to see if there is a "Manny Accidentally Set Himself on Fire While Trying to Juggle Firecrackers with His Kids" protocol. There's got to be, right? Don't you imagine that this happens, like, once a week?

Jon Lester, VORPOF = 23.7 He survived cancer, came back to win the clinching game of the World Series, pitch a no-hitter and emerge as the 2008 first half ace. For him, being set on fire is probably the equivalent of being tickled by your kid brother.

Josh Beckett, VORPOF = 16.8 You know how sometimes guys who want to show that they are total bad-asses will lick their thumb and their index finger and then snuff the flame of a candle that way? I imagine Josh Beckett would do something like that if he was engulfed in flames. Unfortunately, he might then give up a couple homeruns, but the man just single-handedly saved himself from immolation, are you really gonna complain?

Dustin Pedroia, VORPOF = 15.3 Approach cautiously. If this is some kind of behavior modification technique that will help him increase the number of walks he takes, I don't want to interfere.

Jacoby Ellsbury, VORPOF = 14.7 Jacoby is fourth among all rookies in VORPOF (second is Fukudome, and I'm dubious about whether or not he should count) and second among all AL rookies, so maximum effort should be made to assist him if he happens to catch on fire. (Maybe it occurred as a result of his lightening quickness on the base paths?) However, I am pretty sure that Jacoby's 286,598 future wives currently residing in the Boston Metro area (he is Mormon, after all) will sacrifice themselves to save him, so he'll probably be okay.

Mike Lowell, VORPOF = 14.0 Before attempting to put out the fire with the shield of my own body, briefly make sure that the line of succession is in place for the presidency of NHCaPRSFWPNtBiMH218i2010! (The propaganda machine formerly known as NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML).

David Ortiz, VORPOF = 13.9 Is this some sort of wacky holistic treatment to rehabilitate his wrist? At this point, I would be willing to try anything. Get well soon, Papi, get well very, very, very soon.

Tim Wakefield, VORPOF = 13.6 When a dude signs what's essentially a lifetime contract, you gotta figure he knows that eventually they're going to set him on fire, it's just a matter of when. Still, his zen-master old-dude acceptance of his inevitable fate doesn't mean I wouldn't use Craig Hansen's hair to beat out the flames.

Daisuke Matsuzaka, VORPOF = 13.6 Whether or not I would lift a finger to help put out the fire strongly depends on whether or not Daisuke had just taken an at-bat from 0-2 to 3-2.

Sean Casey, VORPOF = 10.2 Keep an eye on the situation, but briefly do nothing, wait around to see who comes to his aid, whether he's really the most likeable player in baseball.

David Aardsma, VORPOF = 10.0 If David Aardsma caught on fire, would one of the local papers finally write something about him? How is it possible that we still do not know anything about him, other than that his last name is a colloquial term for certain male grooming habit. Amalie Benjamin, I know that trying to tame your many flyaways is a full-time job, but can't you see the man is on fire here? What else does he have to do to get you to write a nice, folksy article about him?

Julio Lugo, VORPOF = 9.9 Two words: lighter fluid. And I don't care that, statistically, he is in the top ten among Red Sox position players in VORPOF. Julio Lugo is the one player who turns me into Joe Morgan as far as valuing sabermetrics is concerned. (Katie can't help but add: Julio Lugo's continued presence in this plane of existence makes me want to set myself on fire, so I would actually put the fire out so that I could revive his lifeless body and set him on fire all over again.)

Justin Masterson, VORPOF = 9.7Justin Masterson may have a Major League VORPOF of 9.7, but his VORPOF among players who began the 2008 season in AA ball is something like 262.5. Pretty spiffy.

Hideki Okajima, VORPOF = 8.4 Did you know that Okajima's pitched 33 innings, has given up 33 hits, and has 33 strikeouts? Does that seem creepy to anyone else? Is it possible the flames are a sign that he may have sold his soul to the devil? I mean, how else do you explain his performance last year? Not to mention that creepy song.

Coco Crisp, VORPOF = 7.8 Hmmm ... well. I mean. He's a nice guy, right? And he's batting over 250. Sure he whines a lot, but he rarely has the chance to bunt on the lead-off pitch anymore. Oh, wait, the flames have reached his catching arm. Well, I guess there's no point in doing much of anything, then ....

Jonathan Papelbon, VORPOF = 7.4 Silly, those aren't flames -- that's just a Dunkin' Donuts ad.

Javier Lopez, VORPOF = 7.3 If there's any justice, it's a case of self-immolation over the ridiculousness of his statistical VORPOF compared to his VORPHSBSOF (value over replacement player who should be set on fire), which is a stunning -97.8.

Manny Delcarmen, VORPOF = 6.8 I would put them out. Immediately. Have you seen the small child this man has to live for?

Alex Cora, VORPOF = 2.2 Surely his often-touted genius-level baseball intelligence will get him out of this?

Bartolo Colon, VORPOF = 1.9 He's going through a rough patch at the moment, but I would put out that fire as quick as his delivery to the plate. That's how much I love quick workers.

Jason Varitek, VORPOF = 1.1 No need for alarm. Varitek isn't afraid of fire, fire is afraid of Varitek. Fire is afraid of Varitek the way that I was afraid of his 2 for 27 slump.

Kevin Cash, VORPOF = -0.6 I would assume that he will emerge from the flames like the sword of Excalibur or some such, ready to hit 3-run bombs that land on the Lansdowne Street parking garage. Or any other explanation that makes absolutely no sense.

Clay Buchholz, VORPOF = -1.4 I don't know. The fire is probably just one in the series of mysterious injuries the Sox are using to convince him he could use a little more time in AAA.

Craig Hansen, VORPOF = -3.0 It's gonna be difficult to figure out this particular fire's source of origin. Grease fire starting with his hair? Tragic bong-in-the-bullpen accident?

Mike Timlin, VORPOF = -5.3 Tip my cap and wish him the best of luck pitching for the Styx River Dogs.

but at what point will jerry remy day get me a day off work?

2008-06-24T22:29:00.001-04:00

Tonight's game was --

-- ~~the third game in a series of absolute failures in offensive production.~~

-- ~~possibly, now that JD Drew's inhuman hot streak has cooled off, what this offense is going to look like without David Ortiz.~~

-- difficult to even recognize as a baseball game, it was so full of Remdawg Day shenanigans, causing my roommate to repeatedly ask, "Do they ever talk about the game?" and "Does he know he's on television right now?"

-- ~~not was I was expecting when everyone said, "No, they're losing Ortiz at the best time possible, when they're going to be tearing through interleague play!~~

-- ~~the kind of game where I was glad I was only listening from the kitchen while I made black bean enchiladas with from-scratch tortillas.~~

-- YAY AWESOME DUSTIN PEDROIA YAY MIKE LOWELL YAY VARITEK YAY PAPELBON YAY YAY YAY.

[falls over]

and on eck's mustache day, we rest

2008-06-22T18:53:00.001-04:00

Okay, I'm hungover as shit (Katie's birthday party last night, I made her a card with a picture of Josh Beckett that said, "Hope you execute a happy birthday") and the Sox are trying to avoid getting swept by the freakin' CARDINALS, it's time for a live blog!

(I'd like to dedicate this live blog to Uncle Bill, who says we don't post enough any more. If the Sox lose during said live blog, I will take this as a sign that we should post even less.)

pregame
I am saying right now before ~~God~~ Eck's mustache and everyone, I am thinking about Jon Lester, the former Mr. Inconsistent McInconsistency, and what I am thinking is, "Oh great, it's our stopper!" This should be interesting. I reserve the right to come back and delete this if he makes me look like a complete idiot.

rain delay
Jesus Christ. Do they not understand that I planned my entire hangover recovery schedule around this game starting at 1:35?

top of the first
Well, so far so good.

bottom of the first
Joel Piñeiro. Hilarious. Can we set up an exchange student program where we send our mediocre relief pitchers to the National League and we get them back six months later as serviceable back-of-the-rotation starters?

top of the second
Lester getting some very nice looking swings and misses.

bottom of the second
This ump's strike call is ridiculous. Is he calling a baseball game or gunslinging? Also, that graphic that showed Jason Varitek's batting average since May 24 made my eyes bleed. And just like that, he hits into a double play. Great!

top of the third
What the hell is that necklace that Brendan Ryan is wearing? It looks like it belongs on a lady who lunches ... in New Jersey. Meanwhile, Lester pitches around Ryan's fluky automatic double.

bottom of the third
Is this Joel Piñeiro evil twin Kal-El?

top of the fourth
Remy talks about how home/road split statistics make no sense, and there is no explanation for why certain players hit better on the road. Um, park factors? I guess they park factors didn't come up in conversation during the last episode of Sox Appeal.

In non-vitrol related news: That water slide catch that Jacoby Ellsbury made to end the inning is certainly a vote for the theory that the run prevention of the Ellsbury/Crisp/Drew outfield balances out a significant amount of David Ortiz's run production.

bottom of the fourth
Don-O talking about Joel Piñeiro's last complete game shut-out. Kelly wondering whether or not it would be problematic to resort to hair of the dog.

top of the fifth
Coco apparently has something to say about the power of run prevention. Two outs in the inning and I am now officially hoping that the game goes official before the rain starts so that we don't waste this great Lester performance. Lester then strikes out Larue and, oh yes, as I was so presciently saying a couple hours ago, Jon Lester is a motherfucking stopper.

bottom of the fifth
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. The worst inning yet. On the other hand, I just heard some pretty righteous thunder, so we may not have to watch this pathetic offensive performance for much longer.

Although, that reminds me, on Friday I was at home in Somerville watching the game and it was clearly raining pretty heavily during the duck boat portion of the pre-game and it was not raining in the slightest outside my window. I know Somerville is across the river and all, but I didn't realize it was in a different ecosystem.

top of the sixth
Shit. It all falls apart quickly, starting with back-to-back doubles to lead off the inning, and St. Louis scores twice. A two runs over six innings performance is perfectly good performance, but Lester is probably going to get the our-offense-sucks-goat-balls loss.

bottom of the sixth
Runner on second with two outs, JD Drew at bat. I think, "he could tie the game by going yard," and it doesn't seem completely preposterous. And then JD reminds me that there is still a Nancy lurking inside of him by hitting one right at Joel. Great. This is the worst live blog ever.

top of the seventh
Lester able to bounce back in the seventh. Only makes lack of run support more painful.

bottom of the seventh
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUK!

top of the eighth
Lester back out for the eighth. Interesting. He gets one hit and one loud out and that's the end of his day. Nice standing ovation. Maybe the crowd could start hitting in the nine hole. This is followed by a really nice performance by Run MDC.

bottom of the eighth
HAH. Ankiel just fell flat on his ass trying to make a catch in center and Coco leads off the inning with a triple. If the Sox squander runner on third and no outs, I will proceed to light myself on fire. Lugo somehow manages to not ground into a double play (you know he wanted to) and the game is tied.

Pedroia gets a two-out hit! Pedroia steals second! JD takes a walk! Manny takes a four-pitch walk! Mike Lowell takes ANOTHER four-pitch walk and the Sox take the lead! I'm not even going to bitch about how they left the bases loaded. This is the best live blog ever!

top of the ninth
Ankiel strikes out so hard on that Papelbon fastball that I thought he was going to fall on his ass again. Molina proceeds to strike out looking. Four pitch walk? DO. NOT. WANT.

And then some other stuff happens that displeases me so much I cannot even talk about it.

bottom of the ninth
More stuff I cannot even talk about.

top of the tenth
Okie sucks briefly, sacks up.

bottom of the tenth
Ellsbury leads off with a double, Pedroia executes a great bunt and gets Ellsbury to third. JD strikes out, eliminating the possibility of a sac fly, and I want to light him on fire. Sean Casey pinch-hits, flies out. Garbage.

top of the eleventh
I love Craig Hansen

bottom of the eleventh
Bases loaded, one out and you can't score? I fucking can't even.

top of the twelfth
Kelly + Craig Hansen 4eva

bottom of the twelfth
Lead off double from Pedroia. Whatever. I refuse to get excited. They will find a way to screw this up, I just know they will. Yep, there we go. Inning ending double play.

top of the thirteenth
Oh great, Javier Lopez. Lopez sucks, predictably, but Drew throws a bullet from right field and Varitek makes a great tag at the plate, and the beat goes on. I've been half-dressed and wanting to go to the grocery store for, like, two hours.

bottom of the thirteenth
YOOOOOOUUUUUK! Youkilis realizes that this scoring on base hits shit is not going to work and hits a two-run homer to win the game. Yes! If I had sat through this entire debacle to watch them lose, I would have stabbed myself in the face! So my face and the Sox tired bullpen both live to fight another day. And I'm not even upset that Lopez vultured another win.

about last night

2008-06-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

Since all the other Sox blogs are breaking character and posting about the Celtics, here is my story about the clinching game:

Katie and I watched the game at Mike's in Davis Square. We got there a little early so we could snag a booth before it got crowded. One person who also got there early was a lone Lakers fan (who really, really strongly resembled Jaleel White, we spent the whole game trying to decide if it was actually him) who was wearing a Kobe jersey and loudly talking smack to anyone who would listen. The whole first half, I wanted to start jawing back at him, but Katie wouldn't let me, because it's her job to keep me from getting arrested. As the outcome of the game became more and more inevitable, he started to quiet down (except when he would try to start "Fire Phil!" chants with … himself), and when there were about three minutes to go, when the game was effectively already over, he tore off his jersey and shouted, "FUCK THE LAKERS!" Everybody in the bar cheered. As annoying as he'd been all night, that moment was totally worth it.

And then, you know, the Celtics won the NBA title.

fail boat

2008-06-16T21:03:00.001-04:00

Now pitching for the Styx River Dogs, Miiiiike Tiiiimlin!

this could all be settled with a simple big buck hunter tournament of champions

2008-06-12T16:06:00.003-04:00

As seen, uh, everywhere, Papelbon attempts to make up for having not been caught on camera administering purple nurples during the brawl with the Rays by issuing fighting words here.

Two questions:

1. Other players have scheduled appeals with regard to their suspensions, pleading that their actions weren't really that bad, and they deserve to be suspended for fewer games. Do you think Papelbon tried to schedule an appeal to explain that he really was much more of an animal during the brawl than the camera managed to catch, and he probably deserves to be suspended for two or three games?

2. Doug Mirabelli memorably arrived to a game in a cop car in 2006? Will the next series with the Rays end with Papelbon leaving in a cop car?

bizarro sox

2008-06-10T19:59:00.002-04:00

Uhh ... JD Drew and Manny Ramirez, the best 3-4 combination in baseball? Yeah, right, and I'm abandoning this game in the fifth inning to go watch the Celtics play a NBA Finals game.

[...]

Hey, wait a second!

some notes from the FOX Saturday afternoon game circle of hell

2008-06-07T18:43:00.001-04:00

& I fucking hate Richie Sexton. Primarily because he attempted to kill my beloved Typo, but also because he's a human freak show. Everybody knows he's tall, but have you ever noticed that all his height is in his torso? I was walking him walk back to the dugout after he struck out swinging in the second, and I noticed that the distance between the bottom of his numbers and his waistband is about twice as long as everyone else on his team. Human freak show.

& The only thing more fantastic than Manny hitting a homerun into the deepest reaches of the parking garage is the fact that he's wearing one #24 and one #34 wristband today. Manny, you magnificent bastard.

& Of all the solutions that people suggested as a stop-gap during Papi's injury -- greater emphasis on small ball, Chris Carter, players like JD Drew stepping up their offensive production, Barry Bonds -- I would have predicted that Barry Bonds would be getting his XXXL size neck fitted for a Red Sox jersey before I would have predicted JD Drew going on a scorching hot streak. I'm seriously not kidding.

& Announcers confused that fans are chanting "BEAT LA!" when there is still the remainder of this game and tomorrow afternoon's game between now and Game 2 for the Celtics. Apparently they are unaware that Bostonians have been starting random "BEAT LA!" chants every day for the last eight days, at Red Sox games, on the MBTA, in the liquor store, etcetera. I started a "BEAT LA!" chant with myself in the shower on Thursday morning.

& Dear Youk: The best way to ensure that you don't go back to the dugout and slam the equipment around in frustration? Hit scorching doubles. See how much fun that is? It's a shame that Remy and Don-O aren't calling this game. With an 11-2 lead, they'd probably be giving themselves giggle fits role playing a Sox Appeal date, doing play-by-play of their Tic Tac Toe game or some other ludicrous nonsense.

& I know that the save statistic is a ridiculous and artificial statistic, but why does Papelbon always seem to give up garbage runs when pitching with a greater than three run lead? It makes me think there might be something to clutch situations. Fire Joe Morgan is going to take away my Blogger account.

& 9th inning blip notwithstanding, excellent win. Anytime you can put up 11 runs with five regulars out of the line-up is a day for puppies and ice cream.

not so triumphant return

2008-06-06T21:45:00.001-04:00

Hello out there to anyone who is still listening! Katie and I apologize for falling off the map for a minute there, there was work and then it was springtime but now it's cold and rainy and like a Stockholm Syndrome conditioned resident of New England, that is the weather I associate with baseball, so let's play along with tonight's game and also catch up with the events of the last several weeks.

top of the first
Oh jeez, I hope we can blame these two runs on unlucky defense, because I am enjoying the Bartolo Colon era so much, I would hate to see the wheels come off.

(I have great affection for every member of the Red Sox rotation, active, on the DL, currently demoted to the minors and otherwise. Unlike my co-author, I even enjoy the blogging styles of Curt Schilling. But the rotation feels overly populated with slow workers: Dice-K, who needs to figure out if he wants to go 3-2, 3-1 or 3-0 before attempting to actually make an out, Josh Beckett, who just needs a little extra time to perfect his menacing glare and then, of course, there's Wake, who may not necessarily work slowly, but the speed of his actual pitches always seems to guarantee you a 3.5+ hour game. Coming into tonight's game, Bartolo Colon has been a strike throwing machine. He throws a strike, he gets the ball back, he throws a strike.)

bottom of the first
NANCY! Nancy is certainly blossoming in the three spot, but we'll say no more about it because then he'll go out next inning and break his fingernail and be out for five games.

(VERTIGO? I MEAN. SERIOUSLY. VERTIGO? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I would be remiss, of course, if I failed to mention the reason that Nancy is currently inhabiting the three spot, the wrist injury of David Ortiz. I know many people are gnashing their teeth over whether a -- god forbid -- season-ending injury for Ortiz might mean a spot on the roster for Barry Bonds, but I believe we previously discussed that I am one of the last three Barry Bonds fans left on the East Coast. The first rule of being a Barry Bonds fan is that you never attempt to justify for Barry Bonds fandom, so I can't really get into it, but it's an awkward position. If you think that's bad, wait 'til you hear about how I hate both Lance Armstrong and Magic Johnson.)

Also, do you think Papi has figured out how to bedazzle his cast yet?)

top of the second
Okay, three up, three down! That's more like it! I can't tell you how much I have come to love Bartolo Colon in such a short period of time.

bottom of the second
Here is my thing -- if a player is going to get upset because the second baseman is blocking the base, or because the pitcher throws at him, he should be upset because these actions aren't letting him play to his full offensive potential. Coco Crisp's at-bat with two outs with the bases loaded: fouled off home plate, fouled off own foot, fouled off home plate again, couldn't hold up on a pitch that was set up outside. If this is your full offensive potential, don't bother charging the mound.

(Which is not to say that brawls are not wonderful. I'm just disappointed that there wasn't a camera guy following the bullpen out into the fracas, because I have been wondering since the summer of 2005 how Papelbon would react in the middle of a full-scale throw-down and I rewound that sucker about 18 times on my Tivo and still don't have the shot of Papelbon giving Scott Kazmir a wedgie at the bottom of a pile that I have to believe exists. But let's give out a few brawl awards:

Player I was most surprised to see acting the peacemaker: Julio Lugo
Player I was most surprised to see throwing punches: Sean Casey (?!?!)
Player I expected to bite a few more ankles: Dustin Pedroia
Player who looked like a wimp when his attempts to pull people off Coco were limited to tugging at the backs of their jerseys: Jacoby Ellsbury
Former Red Sox player I missed the most during the course of the brawl, 1a: Julian Tavarez
Former Red Sox player I missed the most during the course of the brawl, 1b: Pedro Martinez)

top of the third
Have I ever mentioned that Ichiro has a really weirdly pear-shaped ass? Seriously, watch him the next time he's up to bat. It's weird. Weirder than Derek Jeter's surgical ass implants. The Mariners scored again this inning. It was lame.

(I'm loving this Josh Beckett titanium necklace commercial. He moves his head around way more than is natural when he's adjusting the necklace, and ends up looking like one of the characters from the "Night at the Roxbury" SNL skit. Fantastic.)

bottom of the third
How many runners must they leave in scoring position during the course of this game? Do they want me to drink Drano?

top of the fourth
I was told that the Mariners were terrible. I would really like to see more evidence of this. I realize that the results thus far might have more to do with the Sox three throwing errors and less with the Mariners' lack of suckitude, but I still do not care for this one bit.

(Clearly I picked the worst game ever to do a "Hey, I'm still here! I still love the Red Sox!" running blog. Without an appropriate segue, let's just cut to the highlight of our three-week absence, Jon Lester's no-hitter. I wasn't watching the game, I watch an unhealthy number of the 162 games the Sox play each year, I figured a good game to skip in order to have a boozy dinner with my friends Martha and Anne would be a Jon Lester Monday night start against the Royals. I was getting ready to leave their house and I said, hey, can we check the Red Sox score really quick and it was the end of the sixth inning and I was like, "Uh, I know you guys don't like baseball that much, but I'm not leaving your house until this is over." This is the third game I've watched with these two friends in the last year, the first one was five-run comeback against the Yankees last April, the second one was the sixth game of the ALCS. I hope they think it's cool when I show up at their house on a random night and demand that they serve as my human good luck charm.)

bottom of the fourth
Don-O is pointing out that the silver lining is that at least King Felix has thrown a lot of pitches. Oh, for Christ's sake.

(Speaking of announcer boy -- I moved in with a new roommate last September, and while we get along great and have a lot in common, she has zero interest in baseball. I have been slowly brainwashing her, and it's coming along well. I keep meaning to start writing down the questions she asks me about Remy and Don-O. She'll walk in the room, look at the television, they'll be giggle-festing about Sox Appeal or some such and she'll be like, "Do they realize that they're on live television?" From the mouths of babes, man.)

top of the fifth
I've pretty much given up on this game. I'm not going to lie, I spent this entire half-inning looking at pictures of Barack and Michelle Obama. Please regard their fist-bumping! She's pretty foxy, also.

bottom of the fifth
Well, at least we were spared the indignity of stranding a runner in scoring position.

top of the sixth
AAAAAAAARDSMER! Sweet! I have not managed to learn any new facts about David Aardsma since was last spoke. I feel like we're really overdue for an Amalie Benjamin puff piece about him, yes?

bottom of the sixth
Ugh, seriously, this sucks. After all the injuries, the suspensions, the bizarre slap fight between Youks and Manny, it sucks to see the team come out flat against freakin' Seattle. Maybe deciding to get back to posting was a jinx. Maybe I should delete this entire post. But I've already written about a billion words, if I delete them now, I'll never get back on the blogging horse.

(This is getting way too depressing for a team that's going to be first place in their division at the end of tonight no matter what happens. Let's talk about Manny's 500th home run! Katie and I were actually at Camden Yards for the game before the 500th home run game, the epic, ridiculous thirteen inning game. So I can report that the total Red Sox fan hegemony is completely accurate. The game we were at coincided with the sixth game of the Celtics/Pistons series, and there were many "Let's go Celtics!" chants at many points during the night, which is kind of douche-y if you think about it, but endearing. Manny? Manny is Manny. You know what I mean.)

top of the seventh
So Javier Lopez actually get a ground out double play, which will convince Tito that he's actually useful for another couple months, great.

bottom of the seventh
Can the Red Sox finally score a run? No! No they cannot!

top of the eighth
More Lopez times!

bottom of the eighth
Roommate: "But why do they sing 'Sweet Caroline?'"

top of the ninth
Well, Lopez shouldn't be able to pitch for about three days after this three-inning appearance, so I guess that's a positive.

bottom of the ninth
This guy who is pitching for Seattle has a very long name. Is this the Australian guy? Hey, it is! Sox have Casey on second with nobody out and can't even get him home for the dignity-saving run, they lose 8-0.

I'm sure we all missed my cheerful optimism. We'll try to get back to posting more often.

strange things are afoot at the circle k

2008-05-13T22:52:00.002-04:00

Tonight, I did what I oh-so-frequently do on Tuesday nights, which is drink whiskey and watch the Red Sox try and set the world record for runners stranded in scoring position. The game -- let's not talk about it. If Coco Crisp decided that he couldn't take it anymore and got sick to his stomach, can the viewer be blamed for doing the same? So the Red Sox lost, and that was garbage, but then a weird thing happened. I was taking schadenfreude in Marino Rivera giving up a walk-off win in Tampa Bay, but then the Rays knocked the Red Sox out of first place in the AL East. I know it's only May 13, but seriously. Up is down? War is peace? Freedom is slavery? What the hell is going on?

In other news, the release of Julian Tavarez (RIP Batshit) contributes to my suspicion that David Aardsma is going to be around for the duration. I know three things about David Aardsma: 1) He walks more batters than I would prefer. 2) Alphabetically, he is the first player listed in the Baseball Encyclopedia. 3) He rocks the stirrups. I haven't gone out of my way to learn anything else about him because he had the look of a Joel Pineiro 2.0 about him; he would stink up the joint for the Sox until he was finally DFA'd and then he would go be an All Star for the St. Louis Cardinals. But now it appears that Aardsma (or as Remy would say, Aardsmer), is going to stick around, here are three more things I have learned:

1) His sister is a former Miss Colorado Teen USA
2) He is developing a reputation among his teammates as a ruthless Go Fish champion.
3) When he pitched for the Cubs, their fans decided that to "aardsma" someone was to dry shave their testicles.

Yeah, I made one of those things up. Obviously we'll only really know if Aardsma is being accepted in the clubhouse if Papelbon decides to teach him craps.

times like these

2008-05-13T09:24:00.002-04:00

kelly called yesterday to tell me that my beloved carnie king had been designated for assignment. she thought it was important I hear it from a friend, and she was right. I've been pretty focused on basketball and other trivial things lately, but it's losing someone like this that really make you focus and take stock. I just hope he ends up in a better place. I hear Colorado's sort of like heaven...

*

in other depressing news, the thing with papelbon is that we love him. obviously. but sometimes, you have to have words with those you love. and I think the time has come to suggest that perhaps our boy consider taking a quick break from working on his folk-hero image and doing dunkin' donuts ads and work on executing pitches.

I mean, julio lugo, I know. trust me, I know. but really? last time I checked jonathan papelbon didn't need to depend on julio lugo for his saves. he knows better than that.

so come on, show us all that that was just a fluke, paps.

correspondence

2008-05-08T09:26:00.003-04:00

Fr: Katie
To: Kelly
Sent: 1:08AM Thu, May 8
-------------------------
We're putting a hit out on Julio Lugo. You in?

(Yeah, yeah, I know, many good things have happened since we last spoke. Youk hit about 86 home runs, and Kevin Cash had a three hit night, and Mike Lowell is back from the dead and and Wake pitched a two-hit shut-out for eight innings and Manny and Papi went back to back for the first time in almost two years but Julio Lugo has a way of sucking all the joy out of the universe like an error-committing black hole.)

(Kelly: I posted your text message.

Katie: You can't do that, then they'll know it was us!

Kelly: I don't think we're the only people in the city of Boston who are in the process of trying to put a hit out in Julio Lugo.

Katie: That would be the hardest case to solve ever.)

wretch

2008-04-29T14:42:00.000-04:00

Since we last spoke, the Red Sox have inexplicably lost five games in a row (including a sweep at the hands of the ~~Devil Rays~~. The ~~DEVIL~~ RAYS), Mike Mussina has won two consecutive starts and I know this isn't baseball related, but the Celtics have spectacularly lost two playoff games and that was really awful, and it was glorious spring and now it's pouring rain and everyone had the flu for a thousand years and tonight the Sox have to play the Blue Jays and I hate David Eckstein and everything is terrible.

Ahem. Here is a feeble list of positives:

[1] (Hat-tip to Red Sox Monster): Jonathan Papelbon is more awesome than ever.
[2] My friend Martha located on the internet the bad-ass band of ninjas behind the Papelbon street art campaign. They have a bunch of photos here, and there are also t-shirts! Did I mention my birthday is coming up? It's actually not at all, but can we pretend it is?
[3] Tonight's game might get rained out, and during the course of that rainout, Julio Lugo might slip in a puddle and fracture his suck bone.
[4] Jorge Posada is on the disabled list.
[5] Mike Lowell is back in the line up.

Okay, let's do this.

"julio lugo, unassisted triple play?" "pretty much, yeah."

2008-04-24T00:15:00.004-04:00

you know when you go to fenway and they talk about the "code of conduct" and there's a video of the players reading the items on the code? at the end of that, they make an announcement that you should call a fenway hotline if "anyone hinders your enjoyment of the game" and they give the number.

well, I haven't tried it yet, but the next time I'm there, I'm going to call that hotline and tell them that julio lugo is hindering my enjoyment of the game and request that he be removed from the ballpark. because, no. unacceptable.

tonight's game, I believe, was the first annual all-backup player game, I think. for the price of admission we got kevin cash, jed lowrie, AND sean casey. thankfully, we didn't really pay that much because we had standing room tickets.

we did get to witness the almost-triumphant return of craig hansen. oh, craig. we believe in you! now you guys say it too-- if we all believe in curtis hansen and we all clap really loudly, we just might be able to resurrect him. come on, clap louder. keep clapping. just keep clapping, okay-- it might take a while.