Damn, I Screwed Up !

My Screw Ups Are Masters of Their Domain

2009-07-04T18:00:00.001-04:00

I strongly believe in my limitless potential to screw up. I have made a considerable investment towards a new home for my screw ups on the basis of this conviction. I understand that it may seem like an unreasonable gamble to many. They may find it preposterous that I could screw up any more.

I intend to prove such naysayers wrong at :

Http://DamnIScrewedUp.com

Behold! And tremble in the face of my screw ups.

Navel Lint Gazing

2007-11-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hm. In my quest for spiritual enlightenment, I realize that I have not made much progress today. I did get a little introspection done. Also some reflection. I guess daydreaming and falling asleep while eating lumpy cereal in front of the TV could count as meditation. Also, I like to chew my food a lot before I swallow. So I guess rumination is covered right there. Oh hey, funnily shaped piece of dandruff. And right there, I actually just managed to squeeze some contemplation into my schedule. I now need some more self-absorption. And an aromatherapy kit.

Brooding and Mysterious

2007-11-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

I racked up yet another significant achievement last night: I finally remembered to take a shower. However, I was so overwhelmed by my accomplishment that I collapsed into bed and fell asleep with my hair still wet. This evening, I woke up to find that lacking the strong paternal authority of the hair-dryer, my hair escaped from juvie and vandalized itself. Today, Don King has better hair than me. But wait! This can only enhance my Misunderstood Poet street cred! All I need is some angst and a substance-abuse problem. I already got the beat-up vintage coat.

Dear Santa

2007-11-10T23:45:00.000-05:00

Although I have made considerable improvements over last week through diligent application and close study, I forgot to flush the toilet after I used it, for the fourth time this week. This Christmas, I shall ask for the gift of basic hygiene.

Din-Din Does Me In

2007-11-09T22:53:00.000-05:00

I had a satisfying and nutritious dinner of many ice cream sandwiches tonight. As I feared, I am now hearing several rumbles of discontent from the help working below my waistline. Leave it to the proles to totally miss the big picture. Thanks for sabotaging my grand new plans to have all-dessert meals from now on, tummy. Excuse me for thinking you could handle a little extra fat and sugar in return for a warm glow of well-being. You agitator types just have no vision.

Sock Sorrow

2007-11-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

I don't believe this. It turns out that the saga of my long suffering shirt has a sudden and poignant twist: my socks have remained unchanged since yesterday. And to think that all this time while I was duped into feeling so much sympathy for my shirt's problems, my socks are the real victims here! My socks' tales of trauma are way more moving than those of some mere shirt. What those socks have endured. Dear God. Get over it, shirt. We all have problems.

Everything is Ruined

2007-11-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

I have forgotten the words to the 'Golden Girls' theme song. Now I will never know why some lady thanks someone for being a friend. What did this friend do? Did this friend pay for all the body shots every time the Golden Girls went out? Did this friend bail out Bea Arthur and Betty White when they got busted for curb-stomping a rude bouncer? Did this friend help Estelle Getty and Rue McClanahan get new passports for their Colombian trip so Estelle could bring back bags of powdered sugar and baking soda to make her famous carrot cake? Who can tell?

Longtime Companion

2007-11-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

I have worn the same shirt for four days now. Or is it five? Time can be so mysterious. Who can understand the way it flows? So hard to pin it down to something as ephemeral as a few days.
Who can say when I'll wash this shirt, when I'll rinse the dirt?
Only time.
Enya should write a song for my shirt. You know actually, maybe for my deodorant instead. It works a lot harder.

A Pyrrhic Victory Over An Uppity Onion

2007-11-08T21:07:00.001-05:00

I am conflicted. I was frying some onions but I ended up burning them. Hmm, a setback, to be sure. On the other hand, my undisputed superiority over the vegetable kingdom continues. I feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that as much as the members of this rotund, yet startlingly unapologetic, family make my eyes sting as I chop them, I can still burn them to cinders. Yeahhh, onions, make me cry now, bitch! Oh that's right, you can't. I just turned you into charcoal. Who's weeping now, you crunchy sulfurous bulbs?
Oh crap, they're gonna taste so bad.

Living on the Edge

2007-11-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

Mother of God, I reached up to scratch my eye and my hot-sauce anointed finger almost touched it before I realized what I was about to do and I totally yelled "S-tt-o-o-opp-p" and my finger only got an eyelash instead. Now, If I can keep myself from blinking for the rest of the day, I should be able to get through this trauma just fine without getting up to rinse my eyelash and finger. It should be a challenge to refrain from blinking for the next four hours. But I'll do it. Because I believe in freedom.

Spicy Keyboard

2007-11-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

I have made an uncharacteristic lapse of judgment. I typed away on my keyboard with my hot-sauce anointed fingers. Finally, my keyboard will go great with hot dogs.

I Make Contact With An Ancient Enemy

2007-11-08T17:33:00.000-05:00

I am filled with seething resentment against the smug lid of the bottle of hot sauce that is my constant companion as I toil at my desk. The nozzle of the lid is covered in a primordial goo of hot sauce drops from many moons ago. As I reached out to give the bottle a reassuring pat, I touched the goo encapsulating the nozzle instead. Now, my finger is sticky and gummy and covered in primordial hot sauce goo from many moons ago.

Burrito of Death

2007-11-07T22:17:00.002-05:00

My burrito just attacked me. But I endured. Burrito waited until I had downgraded my usual Anti-Falling-Food Threat Level rating from Lilac Dream to Coral Wonder and then...Burrito unleashed a ZRG 4000 Beanatron Mouthful straight from my open mouth down to my pants. NOOOOooo...No, not my white-striped pants ! Pantsy, don't you die on me, stay awake, don't close your eyes...But then, in a singular act of courage and determination, I scooped up the fallen piece from my leg, and I ate it. And that too in slow motion. In yo' face, tasty snack! THIS IS SPARTAAAA

My Left Foot

2007-11-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

I sat on my left leg for too long today. My left foot is rather numb. If I had a foot fetish, I could give myself the foot version of The Stranger.

Plastic for The People

2007-11-06T21:57:00.001-05:00

I forgot to activate my new check card and the old one expired. If anybody asks why I'm not paying for anything, I shall explain that I am taking a stand against the rampant greed of this evil consumerist society and I'm striking from now on against the wretched exploitation that comes from paying for stuff I want. Someone has to be a visionary, a pioneer and take a stand against big corporations that profit from brainwashing us into mindless simpletons!
Note to self: borrow five bucks for new Scooby-doo toothbrush and drinking cup set.

Alas...

2007-11-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

I lost a sock this morning. Good bye, friend sock. Your odor absorbing capabilities will be greatly missed. May you play happily in the great dryer in the sky with my dearly beloved Spongebob underwear.

I Scream for Ice Scream

2007-11-06T21:37:00.000-05:00

I recently consumed a fairly large quantity of ice cream using a quick and efficient technique of bites and gobbles that I developed. The biggest advantage of this technique is that it leaves your hands free to pursue other very productive and personally gratifying work. Sadly though, tests reveal that a significant portion of the ice cream ends up on the eater's face and not just the gullet. The quest for the George from Seinfeld Trifecta of Pleasure continues...

I Haven't Posted To This Blog Since Last Summer

2007-04-14T07:42:00.000-04:00

Damn, I guess I screwed up.

Just Say No To Constipation

2007-04-14T07:28:00.000-04:00

I OD'd on Immodium two days ago. Kids, I know all your buddies at school might tell you to just go swallow an Immodium pill when you don't feel so good. It's all part of this ridiculous 'if it feels good, do it' moral relativism crap that hippies have been throwing at us. But all the cool kids do it, you say. Hey think about this: maybe it's cool to stay away from Immodium. Maybe you can just contain urgent gut-busting diarrhea by getting high on life. That way you'll live a productive life exploring your limitless potential to poo when you need to.

I Kill Some Innocent Ramen

2006-05-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

In a senseless and random act of destruction, I inflicted mayhem upon the ramen noodle community. Last night I burned a pot of ramen as it stood cooking upon the stove. The close-knit ramen packet neighborhood is said to be devastated. Many of the council members have called for vengeance. If I ever reach for a ramen packet again, there'll be a slippery noodle on the floor with my name on it.

Burger Trouble

2006-05-08T23:28:00.000-04:00

At an outdoor bbq, I made myself a delicious burger. I ate half of it. Then I lost it.
Burger, if you're reading this, I want you back baby. I swear, I'll treat you good from now on.

Geriatric Tomato

2006-05-06T13:30:00.000-04:00

This tomato I bought a while ago has gotten really old and wrinkly and soggy. His prognosis is quite negative. Sooner or later I will have to admit him into my trash can. At least there he'll have lots of other decayed vegetable matter for company.

Nailed !

2006-05-06T13:28:00.000-04:00

My fingernails are way too long. So they hurt me when I sneak in a quick discreet ass-scratch. Which takes all the fun out of the quick discreet ass scratch.

Lost

2006-05-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

I went and lost four rechargeable batteries today. I have no idea where they are. Where the hell do lost things go? I wonder if this could be counted as evidence towards a parallel universe.

Goddammit

2006-05-05T00:08:00.000-04:00

I did not update my blog today, and I had all these cool fuck ups.