bloggy blog blog blog

funny rock vs. joke rock

2006-05-27T11:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Blog,

I had a rock revelation this morning. More like the first actual step in an ongoing rock revelation really. Why not coin the phrase for a genre called "funny rock" and/or "joke rock"? Logjam being the obvious stepping stone, but it goes much further. So I've created a myspace group called FUNNY ROCK INTERNATIONAL in service of spreading this gospel.

There are many funny bands in the history of rockdom, so why don't they join together and embrace their inherent foolishness. NRBQ for instance is often funny. And they even had an offshoot joke rock band that was more expressly jokey, The Dickens. Or XTC with their joke psychedelic band Dukes of the Stratosphere and their rousing anthem "25 o'clock."

The list goes on... But I think this idea has some legs, as they say in the business.

Signed,
S. Foxx

Back in the U.S.S.S.A.

2006-04-30T15:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Blog,

I have been back on U.S. soil for one week and I am still recovering from my Japanese festivities and jet lag. I feel extremely out of shape -- possibly due to the daily indulgence of copious amounts of fried and otherwise rich food and beer and sake. (This is all well documented in the three posts below this one.)

Last night I had my first burger since returning. Its delicious-ness didn't have anything to do with not eating a burger for a while, though. It was the master culinary skills of Pops and Cammy that made it so swell. A fine burger is the only burger worth eating.

Which brings me to my next topic, this silly blog. I think I will attempt to focus on food and in turn reveal the secrets of the universe through my personal diet. Also, seeing my emails from Japan reposted as a blog makes me realize how excruciatingly long a blog post can be. With that in mind, I will now end this post.

Photos from the trip are here: www.flickr.com/photos/efaxx/sets/72057594118192559/

My grandparents went to Japan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt (email from Japan April 19)

2006-04-30T15:25:00.000-04:00

The themes of this episode are: pornography, gastronomy, technology, generocity, and rock and roll.

***

This past Sunday I got completely naked with dozens of naked Japanese men, including Lisa's entire family. The women did the same, but in a separate section of what is called an onsen - a bath house. It is perhaps one of the oddest national pastimes, in which literally the entire family gets together for an entire day of steam rooms, natural hot spring baths and sometimes specialty activities like lying down on specially treated rocks that contain minerals or something in a sauna room for twenty minutes while mood music plays (clothed in a robe for this part). It was some fine steaming and my skin looks ravishing. There is not much else to say about this, the pornographic portion of this email, so I will move on to the gastonomy/food pornography section of now.

Preceeding the onsen, we ate an obscene amount of pork, because the onsen was part of a pig-centric complex in the town of Saiboku, known for its award-winning pork. I think they actually raise the pigs right there, but I didnt see them. What I did see was thinly sliced pork for shabu-shabu (you pick up a slice of pork and some vegatables and dip them in a communal hot broth to cook, then dip in your own sauce - I suppose the whole activity does relate to the onsen on some metaphysical level), as well as thicker slices of pork for yaki-niku (you cook the pork and vegetables on a communal hot plate), pork nuggets, and various pork sausages. In short, a lot of pork was eaten. Then, the pork-fest culminated when the waitress brought out udon noodles to cook in the shabu-shabu broth and thin soba noodles to make a yaki-soba (fried noodles and vegetables) on the yaki hot plate.

After the onsen (apologies for the time jump in my yarn here), the Saito family went on a pork shopping spree. Lisa's college-age cousin Yusuke bought two pork shoulders, an entire pig tongue and these little gross bits of pork in a package that he explained to us was the pig's throat. Apparently this is considered appetizing. When we got back to the house later, they actually busted out one of the shoulders to go along with the requisite beer drinking. Until now I have neglected to mention that Lisa's family actually has a beer tap in their house. Anthropologists note this is not typical for Japan, just Lisa's family.

Onto technology (with a little bit of food mixed in moentarily). Some things in Japan are super advanced (see butt washing, from my first email), and some things are not so much (old school doo doo hatches, ibid.). Case in point: the bicycles here seem very basic, no frills, no flashy colors. Side note: they also don't really lock them up, even in the city, most people just lock one wheel in place. One of the family automobiles weve been getting carted around in, however, has the most advanced stuff I've ever seen in a car. First off, there's no key. Just a little remote control that lets you in, then you press a button to start the car. And, the dashboard has a computer with GPS, that talks (!!!) to tell you the directions to whatever destination you enter. Plus, the same screen controls the heat/a.c., radio, cd player, a DVD player and live TV. Also, the cab doors open and close automatically here.

On the food/technology tip, we went to a conveyor belt sushi place in Yokohama (where they chefs send little plates of sushi around on a conveyor belt and you pick whatever you want) and at the end of the meal, they tally up the bill by waving a scanner over the plates, which each have a computer chip embedded in the bottom, to determine your total. Another side bar: a brief run down of some uncommon sushi dishes I've tried: raw shrimp (not so good, cooked is better), scallops (delish), swordfish (pretty good), tuna with nato (not good) and tuna with torroro (grated Japanese yam, pretty good).

Okay, so generocity. This is another case of yin and yang at work. On the subways, the people are absolute savages. Nobody ever says excuse me, they shove really hard during rush hour to pack onto the trains, they don't get out of your way if you are about to walk into somebody by accident. Altogether its like being on the L train during rush hour in the morning but even if you wait for the next 3 trains, they'll all be equally packed and annoying.

But, when you go visit somebody, the gift-exchanging is so extravagent it's hilarious. First off, Lisa, her mom and I travelled to Japan with literally three large suitcases just for gifts: dried fruit, chocolate, t-shirts, key chains, etc. etc. Lots of crap. But the other day we went to Yokohama to visit some relatives, and they gave us three bags of gifts -- rice crackers, food stuff, sweets, and we were visiting them! Then, our host paid for dinner (whoever invites you to
a meal just discreetly goes off and pays the bill before you even have a chance to offer money). Plus, when we got back, we were admiring the resident grandma lady`s folk art sewing things (hard to explain -- they're like balls with yarn wrapped around to make pretty designs) and she just gave us one. Not to mention the rest of Lisa's family paying for everything. You can't even argue. We tried at lunch yesterday and it was met with a vehement refusal that could be understood in any language.

Finally, rock and roll: we went to a rock show last night to see The Fucking Champs (from the US), Metalchicks (Japan, they kick ass, it's the singer from Buffalo Daughter and the drummer from OOIOO), Texas Leatherman (typical Japanese stage histrionics/weirdness, a surf-rock style, drummer had a big gong) and the Bi Bom Bom Boys or something like that (the Japanese Logjam, they came out in Hawaiin shirts to sing two acapella numbers, then played ska-ish stuff for too long and had a lot of probably somewhat funny banter). Anyway, its just like going to a rock show in NY, a semi-bored-looking crowd, semi-unfriendly staff, one haggard old rock chick standing off to the side, crappy domestic beer in a can for $5, it started a half hour late, the bands took too long in between and so on. But, to Japan's credit, it all began at 7pm so even with delays and nonsense it ended by 11. Also, the venue looked like a typical Williamsburg firetrap, but had an excellent sound system (screw you Todd P) and had a real bar. Also, Lisa still got bored. Some things are universal.

***

So, that about covers the themes for today. In final conclusion, as this will likely be my last email from here, I will provide evidence that Japan has something for everyone. Here goes:

For people who like bunions - all the women wear high heels all the time.

For fans of slim-fitting black suits - all the young business men wear them all the time.

For fans of passive aggression - you will definitely get shoved at least once on a train.

Fans of hooters - owls are a common theme for wall hangings, knick knacks, etc.

Fans of monkeys - the morning news seems to have at least one story about a monkey every morning.

Dog and cat fanciers - there are multiple magazines dedicated to dogs and cats (always separate) in every book store.

Fans of confusion - there is no grid system on the streets of Tokyo. Also, theres about 20 train stations that are as big and confusing as Grand Central in Tokyo.

Fans of extravagence (dog related) - $50 t-shirts for dogs are a common item here.

Fans of extravagence (human related) - $70 t-shirts for humans are even more common in the department stores.

Environmentalists - they separate all their garbage into four categories and are totally dedicated.

Anti-environmentalists - everything you buy has about five layers of wrapping.

Fans of Paris Hilton - in Shibuya many of the young girls have fake tans and blonde hair.

Fans of second-hand smoke - theres smoking everywhere and nobody has any qualms about it.

Alcoholics - beer is available everywhere in vending machines.

Strange and disgusting foods - two other dishes that I havent mentioned or tried yet include horse meat and fried fish ovaries.

Syonara,
matt

domo arigato mr. roboto (email from Japan sent April 15)

2006-04-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

Honorable American Friends,

First off, I have a confession to make: I tried the fried shrimp (ebi-fillet) sandwich at McDonalds. We had time to kill at the Kyoto train station before returning to Tokyo and Lisa agreed to indulge my foolish curiosity. I was duly not-rewarded with the exact same salty
fried pseudo-food flavor of virtually every McDonalds product around the world. And no ketchup for the fries. Needless to say my bowels paid the price later. I probably should have just tried the green tea milk shake and called it a day.

Later that night, to further reward me for my poor judgement, Uncle Kyoshi-san had some KFC (I shit you not) waiting for us when we arrived back in Tokyo. The chicken seemed to be of better quality, the biscuits, though served with a tasty maple honey sauce, were not as good. Needless to say my bowels probably paid the price two-fold.

Onto matters less fast food-related, Uncle Kyoshi-san is a fascinating individual. He is more than 70 years old, yet still walked faster than everybody else in our party as we toured Kyoto. He also insisted on paying for everything. Usually he just walked ahead of the pack, paid for everybody and then handed out tickets. Which is no small potatoes in Japan, where everything is indeed very expensive. He is surprisingly tall for an old Japense dude -- about the same height as me, bald on top, with glasses, and kind of looks like a taller version of Mr. Six from the Six Flags Great Adventure commercial -- but Lisa got mad when I said that, so don't pass that on.

Among Kyoshi-sans other fine qualities, he is a high-ranking member of the Hino City Lions Club, enjoys golf, sake and beer, and keeps a mumbling, running commentary of uvuncular jokes on virtually everything going on at all times -- kind of like a Japanese Hunter Thompson but more coherent. One of his most impressive stunts thus far was when he literally appeared from thin air on the other side of the turnstile when we returned to Tachikawa station in Tokyo after spending an extra day in Kyoto. Later that night his steeze was further confirmed when upon nearing the end of each glass of beer he supplied me with, he had a SECOND full glass ready so I would never be without ample suds. Earlier this evening he was wearing his Lions Club ball cap backwards at the dinner table lording over an obscene amount of yaki-tori (chicken, chicken skin, liver, garlic, etc.) and Japanese pizza (crab, asparagus, sausage, ham, bacon, etc.). The nickname for old man in Japanese is ogee-san (Oh-Gee-San) and this dude is totally the O.G.

**
(A quick explaination of our itinerary because Im being confusing and jumping back and forth here: we are mainly staying in a suburb of Tokyo called Hino City, near Lisa's family. For two days this past week, we went to Kyoto with a bunch of family members, and Lisa and I stayed an extra day to go see Nara. Now we are back in Tokyo for the duration.)

On Friday, Lisa and I took a day trip to Nara, a small city south of Kyoto that was the original capital of Japan (first it was Nara, then Kyoto, then Tokyo). A charming little burg, it was much less crowded and more managable on foot than Kyoto or Tokyo. One of the main attractions here is the fact that wild deer run free throughout the big park where the ancient Buddhist temple (from the year 1200 I think) is housed. There's a thousand deer just hanging out in this
park, staring at passers by, harrassing little children, trying to eat paper if you are holding any, looking ugly -- basically being deer. It was believed that deer were messengers of one of the Buddhist gods, hence they are allowed to roam free. Something you dont see every day.

Nara also seemed to have the official number one pedestrian mall for retirees in Japan. We stumbled across one where we found a splendid lunch deal -- for about $8 or $9 we got tonkatsu don (breaded pork cutlet with egg and rice), udon noodle soup, the ubiquitous Japanese pickles that come with everything AND some tuna sashimi. Illuminating once again the severe and confusing price fluctuations where by a single banana costs $1, cds are really expensive (more on this in a moment) and yet you can find a huge meal for next to nothing. As Yakov Smirnov once said, what a country.

(If you're not a music nerd you might want to skip this paragraph.)
Back to Kyoto with some time to kill -- before the ebi-fillet fiasco at McDonalds -- we went into a mall and found a music store -- in a mall bear in mind. First off, the prices are ree-donkulous. Im talking 25 to 30 clams for a normal new release, and $45 (!!!!) for the new
Franz Ferdinand DVD. But, the famous Japanese attention to detail/total command of what is cool, is astonishing. Let me say again, this was a music store in a SHOPPING MALL, and here are some titles they had on prominent display: the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, the "No New York" no wave compilation and This Heat -- THIS HEAT on prominent display. I've never even heard a This Heat song personally, but I do know its about the coolest of the Williamsburg Cool Guy albums you could reference, and these crazy Nihon-jin have it on display in a shopping mall.
(back to your regularly scheduled programming)

***

One more brief annectdote before I stop flooding your inbox here -- the Japanese predilication for strange and specific interests is well documented. But seeing it up close is a completely different experience. We've seen the standard issue Japanese hip-hop guys, fake Rastas, rock and roll dudes, etc. Today, after taking a drive up Mt. Fuji, Lisa's family took us to the Kawaguchiko Music Box Museum. First, you walk into this Disney-ish replica of a European village with swans in a man-made lake and a water fountain show. Then you walk into this elaborate hall that is essential a giant music box you are sitting inside of with ornate decorations and creepy little statues up on the walls ringing bells and playing horns. Then you go into another building where you see these old player-piano type machines displayed and a Japanese guy in a tuxedo explaining at length about each of them. Then the coup de grace, they drag out four white fellows who are a string quartet from the Czech Republic to do two brief numbers. And the Nihon-jin absolutely LOVE every minute of it. Truly a sight to behold. I was definitely the only honky in there and it was a trip.

Okay, enough already, I hear you saying uncle,
thank you good night,
signed,
baka gainjin

konichiwa (email from Japan sent April 12)

2006-04-27T10:01:00.000-04:00

Herro Baka Gaijin,

I write to you from the future. Japan is so advanced, it is 13 hours ahead of NY here. (The Yankees will win on Wednesday.)

But seriously, stupid foreigners, I am in the lobby of the Kyoto Royal Hotel, where Lisa's uncle Kyoshi is graciously putting up a party of eight including us, Lisas mom, and five people who barely speak any English. So far I have learned how to say, "Thank You," "Where is the bathroom?" "This tastes good" and "That tasted good."

We came here to Kyoto from Tokyo yesterday on the bullet train and it travelled at about 200 miles per hour. The future is fast people.

Speaking of food, here are three things I have eaten in Japan that I had not really considered before:
Whale (deep fried, oily, not good)
Nato (a glutinous soy bean mixture you add soy sauce and mustard to and eat on rice -- surprisingly good)
Pizza with shrimp and tuna flakes on it (again surprisingly delicious)

Still speaking of food, last night was a 12 course keiseiki style (traditional Kyoto-style) meal served in a tatami room, sitting on the floor with a window looking out on a little zen garden and a lady in a kimono serving it. I seriously thought I was going to die by the end it was so much food. It started with some savory egg custard and octopus and miso soup (I think, it was all a blur) and ended with a wonder of craftsmanship - a grapefruit gelatin-like thing that was
served in a real grapefruit peel and shaped into a perfect wedge. Highlights in between included an assortment of sashimi, tai kama (the face/neck of a red snapper prepared in a soy based sauce - A+) and crab and eggplant tempura served with Mongolian salt (they use salt
for tempura here, not sauce). And of course plenty of sake and beer. Lisa's family is so dedicated to their beer and sake drinking, in fact, they decline the usual rice served alongside most meals to leave more room for booze. How about that!

On to culturual matters, most toilets here do have butt-washers and I have seen a few heated seats as well. Conversely a "Japanese Style" toilet is a glorified porcelain hole in the ground similar to what you'd see in France. It is a country full of old and new, contradictions and agreements, amenities and inconveniences, most of which can be seen in the bathroom.

In poorly written non-conclusion, here's some other random observations--

7-11 is a ubiquitous presence, as is McDonalds (although their current popular item is a fried shrimp sandwich) and there's a KFC near where we are staying in Tokyo.

The Harajuku area in Tokyo is like a cross between St. Marks and Soho with trendy shops selling T-shirts with botched English (one store name I remember was Glitzy Chest) and super hip stuff like a Taschen store where you can flip through a $3,000 giant-size book and they
don't even look at you funny.

Kyoto is really amzing with cherry blossoms (sakura) and gigantic zen temples from hundreds of years ago and gardens and so forth.

The way they sell porn in the hotels is genius -- you buy a card in the hallway and put it in a reader nex to the tv, so it's completely anonymous.

The train stations in Tokyo are all like Grand Central station but with way more food for sale and completely clean.

There are no distinctions about what is eaten for breakfast vs. other meals -- there were many salarymen eating hot dogs and tuna sandwiches for breakfast at the train station yesterday. Lisa's aunt Sakiko served us nato, salmon, miso soup and pickles for breakfast one day.

Also, the keyboards have both Japanese and English, watch this:

；lj化ds歩いウェrプイ尾；lkjdsfl；kj；lkjウェイ尾ルポ言うウェr歩いうぇうりうい

Syonara,
Matt