we make such great company

and while we're at it!

2009-05-22T03:13:00.001-07:00

here is a picture of my partner and the man i love.
i'm a lucky girl. he is a sweet sweet amazing man.
i look all jacked upjet lagged in this.. but it's still prettty

and the picture...

2009-05-22T03:10:00.000-07:00

i realize that my new picture is HUGE!!

and it's pretty late and i can't figure out how to make it medium size so you get to look at my BIG picture and pretty pretty flowers.

straight up love, bitchez.

three things and two ways

2009-05-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

1. life is amazing and love filled in all facets. for this i am grateful.

2. i've determined that my obsessive updates on facebook sap my creative energy for writing longer things. so, the facecrack weaning is beginning. and if the relationship is indeed inversely proportional then the writing here should increase in turn.

3. My next few weeks are going to be amazing and I'm fortunate to have made the time to turn inward to do some good spirit work. I'm helping out at a fast next week and will be completely without phone or email and living out in the country and serving for a week. The following week is chill time USA followed by some island time in the San Juans and then off to Hawaii for a women's leadership embrace abundance workshop with an amazing group of women. Again, I am grateful for these direct experiences of spirit.
------------------
and two ways:
i love this quote: "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - A. Einstein

you can get with this or you can get with that.

2009-05-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

wow. it's been a month since i've written.

working on a balance between using computers for facebook scrabble and actually doing something creative or productive. i can feel the difference of all the energy getting locked and stuck in my head when I'm being zombie computer person.. vs. the free flow of creative energy.

things are good in the land of kathy j.
i am feeling like i am in harmony with the seasons these days. did alot of thinking and resting over the winter and then slowly planting seeds and growing new shoots in the spring. nature is a nice simple model to follow and i am finding the more i'm in harmony with nature, the easier things tend to be. for everything there is a season, yes?

so, i'm in love. which is great. i could not have imagined such a wonderful beautiful man and continue to pinch myself. it's easy. he's fun and loving. i look in the mirror and i am like holy shit, i have never been this beautiful. it's not an ego thing ... it's seriously this light and love coming through and i feel all shiny all over.

it's surprising and breathtaking.

he came over this morning for a sunrise walk around the lake capped with some qi gong. the best part may have been the simultaneous squeals of delight when we both saw the first baby duckling! or maybe it was when he waved and said hi to a super cute dog or maybe the super wonderful technicolor kisses. it's a tough call.

it's so neat to get healthy with another person and to be healthy in myself. every single trial, tribulation and scary thing i had to face the last few years was SOO worth every moment of this bliss.

i am realizing that my spiritual life is incredibly important to me and got a little concerned that kevin is not on such a spiritual path. but what i realized is that i freaked out that he was not on MY spiritual path...which is ridiculous because we all have our own paths. So we talked about that and laughed.. like am I expecting him to wear flowing robes and get all crazy crystal dude? (reminds me of the part of this article that talks about Shaman cologne) I respect him for where he is and support him on his path. Lovely.

my practice is coming along well. i am not putting much energy in that direction right now but am getting clearer on what i want to practice and the space that i want to hold. i've decided to go to the island part time this summer.. and have my practice here 2 days a week.. it really is the best of both worlds.

i realized that the most important thing to me is freedom of time. and i look at my life and realize that i have achieved this and that this is no small feat. so i applaud myself for coming this far. i'm no longer chained to a desk and have the freedom to do what i need to do in the moment (for the most part). it's a nice feeling.

people keep showing up in my life to help me with my practice in really amazing ways. i hope that i am giving enough in return. i exist in a state of constant gratitude for all that is.

my bacon business is super fun and there is a ton of energy heading into that. i'm stoked to see where this goes and think that it has alot of potential.

i set the intention for 2009 to be about building community and it's panning out that way whether in my mentorship community, building my practice, or meeting strangers and laughing about little felt bacon people. it's all about building the community.

moving from the conceptual understanding of "we are all one" to the embodiment of it. like all things in life there is a huge difference between understanding something cognitively and actually living it.

i feel that i'm in the living stage right now and it's a daily practice and i am incredibly grateful for that. savoring the slowness of everything opening up and sprouting.

the next few weeks are going to be simply amazing. i'm headed back east on monday night for a very quick trip to family in PA and a wedding in Atlanta. Then I have a week of preparation for the upcoming fast in my community. A week of being in fast (more on that later) and then a few more weeks to chill before I head to Hawaii in mid-June.

I'm excited and grateful and enjoying the ride.
Sending love your way (and taking it in, thanks!)

up down turn around

2009-04-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

it's spring in seattle and there is no better place to be.

last week i was almost bawling as i drove through yet another torrential downpour on the 405. i was at the point of pleading for the rain to be over and luckily my prayers were answered with an incredibly brilliant sunshiney 70s week.

seattle turns technicolor in the sun.
the rain scrubs the air.
and there is seriously no better place to be in the spring.

my apartment is half a block from this incredible lake with a 3 mile walking path and the trees are blossoming all around the lake. i spent sunday afternoon reading under a cherry blossom tree next to some huge cedars. it really doesn't get any better than this.

and the EXTRA bonus of this spring is that i am in LOVE!

spring plus LOVE = awesome.

but that's not what inspired me to write this evening.

i found out tonight that my brother has a neurological disorder called dystonia.
coincidentally enough. .it's a neurological disorder that causes the muscles to stay contracted.

my brother is 27 and looks disfigured. this started the last few years and has progressively gotten worse with time. his neck is contorted to one side.

his entire body is kind of misaligned as a result of this and he's been super depressed the past year and made a number of bad decisions.

i've been doing some research on frontal lobe injuries and he seems to exhibit most of the characteristics associated with this. when he was in second grade a table fell on him and he was in a coma for a few weeks.

it was completely heart breaking to see my little brother in the hospital and then rehab center. i just remember that he seemed so fragile. he had to re-learn how to do basic things like hold a spoon and i can remember his little hand shaking as he tried to move the spoon to his mouth.

it is weird how my parents decided to handle this situation. my parents do not seem to believe in mental health or mental health problems (although my mom is now on antidepressants and swears by them.. although frankly i don't think she's actually dealing with any of her problems, just numbing them.. and there's something to be said for that i guess)

so.. my brother never really had any counseling or neurological follow up. he wasn't held back a grade and he had the incredibly difficult task of being the fourth child and first boy in our family (following three incredibly lovely and headstrong overachiever older sisters).

there was a marked difference in andrew's personality and no one in the family would ever talk about it ... except that he was raised always with the background of "before the accident"... so basically it's like the first 8 years of his life was some sort of idyllic time that he could never revert back to .. even if he tried.

he is a sweet man but he is prone to really insane temper tantrums. this is sort of like my father so i think we all just passed it off as that.

i guess what is hitting me hardest with the news of his diagnosis is both a sense of relief that his ailment has a name.. and a sense of sadness that my brother is disabled. it's not about him trying harder or being lazy.. it's that he's really disabled and while that shouldn't limit him it does present real limitations.

i sooo wish i was in pennsylvania to work with him and try the energy healing with him. but i also need to remember that i don't have to take care of my family anymore and that this is his challenge to bear in this lifetime. still i want to be supportive and sharing my gift is the best thing that i think i could do at this point.

i'm reading this book called the four insights and it talks about the different levels of perception. the way we perceive things is what creates our reality.

there are different levels of perception.. physical, emotional, soul and spiritual. it is a hierarchy of perception with the spiritual being the ultimate place of perception and existence.

the idea is that if there is an anomaly or problem on one of these levels, the problem can be solved by solving it at the next highest level. so, for example, healing on the emotional level can heal a physical ailment. healing at the spiritual level is the most effective healing because it then cascades to the different levels.

this concept of healing the energy body (or spirit body if you will) to quickly clear the physical and emotional dissonances keeps coming up for me.. both in my readings, my mentorship and my practice.

it also talks about how we are suspceptible to family patterns if we don't clear them out.. but that if we do clear them out we do not have to fall victim to these patterns. i find it interesting that my brother repeats many of the mental health problems of my father.. and that my mother's uncle also had a physically disabling disorder due to brain trauma (it may actually have been dystonia as well)...

so there is apparently some sort of healing that needs to take place in my family and my brother kind of got the brunt (?) end (is that supposed to be butt end?) of the deal with this physical manifestation.

so, those are my thoughts. off to finish watching the love boat and head to bed (interestingly the lvoe boat episode i'm watching is about the business of love.. i'm gonna have to wind all these stories together with mine)

much love my dears!

joy IS in the voice of love...

2009-03-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

so, things are aiight in the land of kathy j.

my massage private practice is starting strong. i had my first paid energy work client this week and this is definitely the kind of work that i want to be doing. it's incredibly effective and i am so grateful for my mentor and time spent learning these techniques the past year.

the energy work that i'm practicing is a mix of osteopathic techniques (craniosacral, muscle energy technique, visceral manipulation), chinese medicine (using the energetic meridians) and native american healing. it operates on a deep level and is primarily all about resolving dissonances in our energetic body.

it operates from the place that we are all light and that anything that is blocking us from that light is a mistaken belief. it jives with the hawaiian healing axiom of healing on the spirit level first and then moving to physical.

as a practitioner, my role is to listen. it's really subtle work but actually takes alot of energy to be clear, holding back and just observing without projecting your shit onto the client. i absolutely love it.

in other news, i'm dating this awesome sweet guy. being in relationship is bringing about a lot of things for me. especially around my sexuality and how i use that. i realized that sexual energy is the creative energy and most powerful energy that we can all tap into. so if i'm ignoring that sexual energy, i'm blocking my creative energy and my whole self.. so i've been embracing that and really enjoying exploring that side of my life. (without the use of being high/drunk/distracted).

It's pretty amazing to share such an incredible connection with someone. It's a shift for me from an obsessive "my life would suck without you in it" to "my life is so awesome and having you in it makes it even cooler".

back to the hawaiian saying of 3 things that make a happy life: 1) something to do 2) something to look forward to and 3) someone to share it with.

I'm really grateful for this man in my life and feel like I've won the bonus round.

I'm remembering to inhale (as my mentor suggested! sometimes i get so excited that i forget to just take it all in). :-) And it's incredible.

I was talking with my brother today and we got to talking about said man in my life and the conversation went like this:

Matt: "so, what's this guy's name?"
K: "Kevin."
M: "WHAT?!? OMG he has an actual name!!?? Not like monster cock or silver fox?!"

And then we just laughed hysterically. Yes, this man has a name and it's Kevin and he's awesome and I'm realizing that I deserve the awesome.

I am so grateful for where I am in my life right now. It's been worth confronting every "monster" (cock or otherwise - ha!) and I feel like it's just time to keep having fun with all of this.

I'm creating and surrounding myself with an amazing community of friends and family and am so incredibly grateful for all of it and for YOU!

Inhaling deeply.

p.s.

2009-03-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

i am so grateful for today and the relief that it brings from my monkey mind.

i'd also like to note that while i was feeling suicidal last night and wrote about it, i would not act on it. so don't worry your pretty little head.

it was worth observing the intensity of these feelings.

started the day with some qi gong and meditation.

my mentor suggested that i find what was causing the "hunger" for the addiction. what need was unmet.

so i asked the grandfathers this morning while meditating and came up with the answer of unconditional love.

i do not feel that i have unconditional love from my upbringing and this has left a bit of psychological isolation.. thinking that i can not connect truly with anyone else or that anyone would ever love me.

i decided that this is definitely a mistaken belief and that i have to start by giving myself unconditional love. it starts with me.

but i'm late for my massage gig... and will ponder and write more later.

in the meantime, thanks for your love and have an amazing day!

an addict through and through

2009-03-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

what is the etiquette of updating your facebook status to say:

"contemplating shooting yourself in the head?"

i am on the low end of an addictive cycle. i haven't been here in awhile and i'm trying very hard to detach and just observe this for what it is.

i woke up, did some qi gong, meditated and then started plowing through my "ready to heal" book on love addiction. it's ugly stuff.

so, i know that i have this addiction to relationships/love and i have been actively avoiding dealing with it for awhile now. i took a year off of dating and hooking up which was super fantastic to get my head clear. but now that i want to be in a relationship again, i am facing the full force of what this addiction is.

i think this is probably my primary addiction and it's a very painful and difficult one for me to deal with. the core of this addiction is my absolute feeling that i do not deserved to be loved.

no matter what anyone on the outside says, it is difficult for me to see how fantastic i am sometimes. at my core i have a mistaken belief that i am unlovable and i think people are lying when they tell me that they love me.

the up part of the addiction (like any addiction) is the high... in this case the high from the buzz and excitement of a new relationship. new relationships are completely exciting and intoxicating.. no doubt about that.

the "problem" comes in when i sacrifice my self care and obsess on the relationship.

i had dinner with my friends and mentorship group tonight. my heart ached so intensely then felt a bit doctored after being there... then by the end of the class i found myself feeling incredibly angry and just burst into tears in my car.

i honestly don't know what the fuck is going on here except that i'm at the next level of healing and clearing shit out. the pain that i felt while sobbing in my car driving home was very similar to the pain that i have felt throughout much of my life and reminded me of the depth of anguish that i felt the times that i attempted suicide. and as i drove around the lake, i thought, well, seriously what IS the point of this life...

but, i know that i am on the brink of the next big healing and so just have to roll with this.

the bright spot in this is that it actually hasn't affected my work with clients. i am super stoked and proud of this fact because i feel really professional and tapped in that i can separate professional and personal.

i did my first full energy work session today and it was completely awesome. even though i felt like shit when i was home. when i showed up to the office it was no longer about me and the spirit moving through really helped.

back to the addictive piece.. i feel like complete shit about this and am trying to be compassionate with myself on this.. i have been here before and it's just time that i clear this out. be brutally honest with myself and remind myself that i am held by an amazing group of friends and family. the fucked up part about this is that i tend to trust no one when i'm on these down cycles.

gentle
gentle
gentle.
breathe.

so, i'm picking my scabs of denial. denial (aside from a river in egypt) is a nice tool to guard our wounds. it makes sense that starting a new relationship will bring up shit around these wounds... especially since i have been actively avoiding it for so long.

i have no idea what to do here except to turn it over to the higher power/grandfathers or whatever you want to call the spirit life force that is beyond us.

i'm feeling rough, i'm feeling raw, i'm in the prime of my life

2009-03-17T23:26:00.000-07:00

i'm fascinated by songwriters and lyrics these days.

the last few weeks have put me in a whirlwind of awesome. it's a kind of love buzz and a kind love buzz.

this feels real and amazing and like nothing i've ever experienced. there is potential here in a neat way with an adorable loving hilariously fun man.

but, it's only two weeks and so i need to slow down the pace a little bit. we've been spending a ton of time together which is rad.. but i had a little reality check with my therapist today and she's like hmmm sounds addictive.

so i spent an hour in therapy today talking about how i like this dude and we're having a good time and blahblahblah... and left really feeling like shit about myself. and feeling completely stupid to think that i could be falling in love so quickly and insert other random awful feelings here ---> ( )

this was a low that was part of the high/low cycle i have often found myself in. and it was triggered by therapy and feeling like i was fooling myself that any of this existed or that i even deserved such love.. or that maybe i was just substituting this guy's love for my parents or BLAH BLAH BLAH

part of my just wants to say.. FUCK THERAPY!
but then the other part can see the rationale in working through this stuff.
but if i don't believe that i have a problem, do i have a problem?

it's a tough call here. because i know that there are shadow side parts of me with relationships that stem from childhood trauma, emotionally unavailable parents and all of that shit.

but honestly, i am so tired of living in the past and feel that in many ways it is completely irrelevant.

except.. i am also fucking clueless and very confused on relationships and dating.. hence the usefulness of the talk therapy. but does talk therapy or any therapeutic model trump listening to my intuition, i don't think so.

so, i had a great talk with my therapist and kevin about all of this and decided that i need to slow things down a bit (i.e. we've been spending every night together since saturday and i've been running on little sleep for the past few weeks and it's tiring. can't sacrifice the self care. but to be fair, i've also been feeling incredibly inspired, keeping up with my exercise and eating really healthy)

i'm stoked because i think there is the beginning of something really special here and want to do the work so that i don't try to control or obsess about this relationship. it's very organic and makes me feel incredibly special and loved. it's weird to go into therapy and have a person kind of shatter the reality that you think you have been creating. i am more confused since therapy.

so, i made some cupcakes and hung out with friends and talked about stuff and feel a bit better.

we'll see how it goes and if this relationship stands the test of time. it seems like such a serious and boring approach to things but i suppose it's the "right" way to do things.

feeling uninspired by rationalizing all of this and wondering if the talk therapy is a way to entrap yourself into your monkey mind.. or if this is just my ego resisting change and release of a bad habit.

nothing to do but to take it one day at a time i suppose.
i do feel a real love for this dude and can't understand how someone else can tell me that love is not true. how does that work?

and the reason that i was awake and this moment...

2009-03-15T05:10:00.000-07:00

so it's now 5:11 am and my monkey mind has settled a bit thanks to writing the thoughts out into cyberspace.

so i just cleaned my apartment a little bit, in anticipation for waffle making fun with kevin in less than 5 hours... and then snuggled into bed with a harvard business review and found an article on launching products successfully.. and this little nugget of wisdom:

"it takes a great deal of courage and confidence for people anxious to take the world by storm to sit down, think, explore all the possible options, and be ready to pull the plug if the information points away from success...By bringing thinking and doing into proper balance, we feel much better prepared to meet the future."

this brings me a lot of peace because it reminds me that starting a business is a rational logical thing and that there are concrete steps to make it happen. when things seem so nebulous, i'm reminded that i know how to make this happen.. i just need to do the work step by step.

i then went to the harvard business review website and on the front page is a study on stress in the workplace.. how great and relevant is that?

so, i think i figured out why i am up at 4am ... to be reassured that there is a way for all of my dreams to come true. i just have to keep working in the direction of that dream. (confidently)

focus on the positives

2009-03-15T04:20:00.001-07:00

it's 4am and i'm wide awake. i went to bed around 12:30 and have already woken up a few times.. so I've just decided to go where the energy is leading me and hoping that writing will quiet my little monkey mind.

so, some kind of super amazing things happened this week.

i am doing a trade with my friend. he is an awesome web designer and we're trading massage for website design for my massage website and my bacon blog. what's completely amazing is that he is launching a business that does EXACTLY what i need to turn the bacon blog into an income generating site. it's super exciting and another indicator that i am in the flow with all of this. even if it's making fun felt bacon people!

i re-discovered my love of snowboarding on wednesday. my first trip since breaking my leg and my first trip where i actually felt that i _got_ it.

in other news i am having an incredibly awesome time with kevin (aforementioned cool guy). it seems really organic and more than anything is just super fun. we've spent a bunch of time together last week, which honestly threw me out of balance, but i've readjusted to pull back a little to make sure that my self care doesn't get sacrificed. (my tendency in these things is to throw ALL of myself in at once and kind of drop everything else in my life.)

i find that when i'm with kevin i don't dwell on the past or the future, just very present moment. there's alot of creative power there and i'm enjoying the process of tapping into it. i've been asking for an amazing partner and am grateful that one so amazing has been delivered my way.

he is totally outside my general "type" and i think that is a very good thing! (especially since my typical "type" is loser alcoholic/addict)

i think what i like best is that he puts his heart out there which takes a lot of courage. and he's left handed and just a neat guy. he is super fun - we're going on a rollerskating date tomorrow? fun!

it's an incredibly interesting process to watch myself and my emotions and behaviors in this relationships. well, it's half interesting and half annoying. at times i wish i was unconscious and not analyzing anything.

but, again, it's all about balance and this feels like i'm headed back into balance after an initial week of late night make out sessions around town (can anyone say dancing and kissing on the shores of lake washington in the light of a full moon? fun!)

i'm also really proud of myself for not obsessing on this relationship or where it's going. i'm reading a book about sex/love addiction and it's really interesting to read other stories with my patterns and see what kind of childhood experiences tend to bring these relationship addiction patterns.

the biggest thing that leads to these addictions is not having an emotionally available/supportive female caregiver and then combine this with an erratic male caregiver with anger issues and it's not a surprise that i'm a bit fucked in this area. i'm over "blaming" my parents for anything. i truly believe that they are just human and were just doing their best at the time.

reading about the psychology of these addictions is uncomfortable and again, sometimes i wonder if it's better just to be unconscious about these things. but i can't seem to move backwards in this process of self excavation...so it continues.

it's 439. still feeling awake so i suppose that i will continue creating. it's a very weird and exciting period of my life. i am half terrified on how i am going to make rent on all of my spaces after April.. but i'm hoping to channel this energy into getting off my ass and focusing on what i need to do to get income. i really have nothing to fall back on now and dwindling funds so i guess this is the time to really make the magic!

thanks for all your love and support. i definitely appreciate and need it right now... and am sending it back your way.

mucho loveo
k

aloha - to love is to be happy with.

2009-03-10T18:35:00.001-07:00

it's been awhile since i've been feeling the aloha for writing on this blog type thing. i've been using other methods (mainly physical and verbal) to work through the stuff that has been coming up the last month or so.

whether you know it or not, if you are reading this you are part of my healing process. and for that i am grateful.

so, what's been happenin' in the land of kathy j. frankly, a bunch of really awesome things.

i have been really stuck and scared about opening my own practice. fear was not an emotion that i expected to feel in this process of launching my business. and it's one that i knew that i had to confront if i want this business to be a success. you can't launch a business based on fear. (at least that's not the kind that i want to launch)

on a core level, i can feel and SEE the success that is going to come from this business... and it's not so much because i rock so hard, but because I know that I am in alignment with what I am supposed to be doing and that I love what I am doing.

I find myself completely dissociating from the concept of "normally"... i.e. like, "normally, i would be completely depressed about this situation", "normally, i would be psycho about this relationship". i've faced a lot of my shadow side these last few years and there is no "normal" guideline for living in the present moment.

i have been asking for guidance and building my relationship with the grandfathers. in native american tradition, the grandfathers and grandmothers are considered your spiritual guides.. and I realized (with the help of amazing friends and community).. that building a relationship with the grandfathers is like building any kind of relationship...

it takes time...and giving and listening and receiving. so i've been working on strengthening that relationship with more meditation and prayers to them.. and expressing gratitude for when my prayers are answered.

i've also decided to just go with the flow and detach from my ego side of "this shit is crazy" when talking about praying or energetic healing. these things I'm experiencing, learning and the guidance and love that is available to all of us is real. we are all responsible for creating our own reality and that is an incredibly empowering thing.

it is also daunting and takes a lot of courage because part of our realities consist of our shadow side. and we spend so much time trying to ignore, dismiss or chastise our shadow side that it can become an unwieldy beast and generate so much fear.

whereas, if we just look at our shadow side, sit with those "ugly" parts, observe them without judgement or attachment, we can see them for what they are. just another part of ourselves to be respected, loved and dismissed if it no longer serves us.

in launching this practice, my final hurdle was overcoming my ridiculously low self-esteem. this has haunted me my entire life. i have never thought that i deserved to have a voice...and i recently realized that i thought that i had nothing to offer the world.. that the world would not and could not possibly want anything that i had to offer it.

so, i have lived most of my life keeping my light on the downlow, making excuses, and doing things that i thought would be respectable in the world's eyes. i've had a damn good time doing them and have zero regrets.

but, in the present moment, i realized (again, with the help of an amazing friend - i honestly think that this is all that we are here for - to be mirrors of each other and help each other in our development)....that doing massage is so connected to my heart.

i LOVE what i do and that can be incredibly scary to put your heart out.. not just to another person.. but to the whole world. but the more that i realize that there is no separation between people... that energetically, we are all one.. i realize that we expose our hearts to each other everyday whether we know it or not.

in huna (hawaiian healing), to love is to be happy with. this is the best definition of love that i have ever read or heard and it seems so incredibly simple and right on target. (and will save me alot of money in therapy and self help books)

if we are vibrational beings (which i also believe) .. then living in the love is the highest vibration that we can live and grow and thrive in.

so, i've hit a break through. i've looked at my shadow side that tells me that i have nothing worth giving. and i politely thank it for it's input but also let it know that it can go fuck itself and if this thing fails, it is also partially responsible for it.. because i am putting my heart into it. i'm at the point where i am just going for it. (i got this idea from a talk that elizabeth gilbert did at TED)

and i've found that as soon as i shifted to completely focus on my practice, things are moving at light speed all in the direction of awesome:

-i found a new practice space with amazing healers on the water in lake union (with a view of the space needle!).

- i've found a vision to hold onto for my practice. i think it's really important to have a clear vision of what you want to manifest. for me, this has been difficult.. but I realized that what I want to manifest is a practice using massage therapy for treating addiciton. it's what i know and what i love.

-i've got clients interested in said approach.

-i've got support coming from all over for this venture.

-i have met an incredibly awesome man. he is sweet, kind, funny and in integrity. this kind of came out of left field and definitely took me by surprise. i met him at the beginning of the year at a mutual friend's new years day brunch.. and then a few other run ins.

we went out on a couple of dates the last month and i'm really enjoying spending time with him. it feels grounded and real and is inspiring which is exactly the kind of energy that i need right now to help launch this business (love!!). i am incredibly grateful that this man popped into my life at this moment in time. i feel like yelling, BONUS! and am grateful (have i mentioned that? :-) ) to find someone to meet me where i am and meet them where they are.

to love is to be happy with.
right on.

He 'oina leo ka ke aloha... or... Joy is in the voice of Love

2009-02-10T23:37:00.000-08:00

so i quit the consulting job

i feel like i walked off a cliff and have no idea where i am going to land. (and it feels fucking great! sweet freedom!)

but at first i seriously panicked. my colleague asked multiple times if i was _sure_ and i started thinking...

you are fucking CRAZY for quitting a job in the middle of a recession.. how are you going to support yourself.. blah blah blah.. and other such fear-based shit...

but I stuck to my core and kept saying that i was sure (even though i was like AHHHH WTF AM I DOING!?!?!? inside)...

when i hung up the phone i totally panicked. i was like holy shit. what did i just do? i threw all sense and semblance of security OUT the window! ... mind goes crazy.. all "sensible" lessons go out my head.. the image of my brother in law's disapproving glare comes in...

and then.. i sit with the fear.. just kind of observe it... and take a couple deep breaths and i realize that one side of the fear is all of the things that i've mentioned above... but!

the other side of the fear is... that..

this is totally happening...

i am living the life that i want to live.
insides matching my outsides in a way that totally resonates.

i've created a life that i want to live
and that kind of scared the shit out of me..
there is no one else to blame, nothing to prove, no one to report to... and i believe that i deserve to be happy and live this.. seriously.. that, for me, was just as scary as all the "normal" fears.. to truly believe in myself..

i've created exactly what i wanted... freedom to create. waking up each day and doing exactly what i fucking want to be doing!

and that is an incredibly exciting place to be.

as my dear friend david said... when you walk off that cliff.. there's only marshmallow fluff and orgasms at the bottom... and if more people realized that there'd probably be more people taking the plunge into living the life that they really want to live...

so, the lesson for me, i guess, is that there really is nothing that you can't accomplish if you can dream it...and it can be totally fucking scary and that's OK too... if you're not debilitated by the fear you can see it for what it is.. a total illusion of your own mind.

so, i'm grateful. i have no idea what is going to happen but things are moving back in the right direction again.

thanks for having my back.
i am incredibly grateful to be in this present moment.

2009-02-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

i had a really major breakthrough this evening that i can't really discuss here but this song kind of caps off the evening and my renewed focus on what matters to me.

i especially like these lyrics

I am aiming to be somebody that somebody trusts with her delicate soul
I don't claim to know much except soon as you start to make room for the parts
That aren't you, it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love, love, love, love

eek! (or, it takes one to know one)

2009-02-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

i am reading a book called "why is it always about you? the seven deadly sins of narcissism")

and... yikes!

the experience is evoking similar feelings from the first time i read a codependency book a few years ago... and had to squirm through every page (fyi codependent no more is a great starter book in this field)...

it's a feeling of relief in being able to name and identify some of the shit that is driving me crazy in my head or behaviors.. but also a severe feeling of dread that i actually identify with such "ugly" behaviors...

eeek!

so, that is how i am spending my friday night. for some reason it occurred to me that it is indeed a friday and perhaps i should be doing something to distinguish this day from any other day of the week. decided to spend tonight learning more and practicing compassion with myself.

i've decided to quit the consulting job.
and, frankly, it's kind of scary.

but it's not really an option NOT to quit it at this point. it's like i CAN'T live in that old way anymore. i keep thinking of this drawing that my friend ory did for me when i left my corporate job the first time... it was a picture of me on a road walking away from "those boys" "corp ho-ing" and moving to "doing what i love", and "being what I love"

it's really an inspiration for me and so i'll repost it again here.
i can't really go backwards on this road. see, her shoes are pointing FORWARDS!
ory, i did not realize the true genius of this at the time. you rock. :-)
(it also reminds me that i want to go back to blond and long hair)

i'm also stoked to have this narcissism book enter at this exact phase (thanks wendy). i think part of my fear of really putting energy into my own massage practice is that i HAVE to be this HUGE success and that i can't fail. totally shame based and a pattern that i tend to have repeated since my epic mental meltdown of 2000 (and probably much of my life)...

it's like i pick things... jobs, relationships... where i know that i will be safe because i have some form of control over them. so i pick weaker or less than healthy situations .. like constantly picking "weak" addict emotionally unavailable men...and getting rid of the nice ones...

so, this book is very insightful and i highly recommend it if you're looking into your own behaviors or living with a narcissist (and honestly, who DOESN'T know one?) narcissism is heavily shame based and starts early in childhood...

so i find it VERY interesting to see how this pattern repeats in my family over time.. like my father is a complete narcissist (sweet man but really emotionally stunted).. but then you look at his mother.. and i have her writings that say shame and sadness played a huge role in her early childhood..

so, the pattern repeats. and a very cool thing about this is that i can see how to break the pattern.. and how my nieces are being raised in very emotionally intelligent ways...

so, although this makes me squirm i suppose it's all a part of the purging process. it's really making me think about how and who i am spending my time with and what my personal boundaries are.

thanks for having my back, y'all.
and thanks ory for the inspiration.
lovelovelove

and alex, i may actually get to the point where i can start writing song lyrics..

you can't always get what you want...

2009-02-04T23:39:00.000-08:00

but if you try sometimes you might just find.. you get what you need.

i have figured out what i need.

which is.. to quit this consulting gig and focus specifically on staying healthy and dedicating myself to the healing arts and my bacon blog!

so, that's what i'm gonna do.

i spent 5 hours in front of a computer today putting together this patent search. and while i can do it well, i completely hate it and felt like a completely drained zombie. devoid of life. so, i'm just not going to do it anymore.

i can't move backwards to living in my head when i've tasted what it's like to live in my heart.

and as a follow up...

2009-02-03T20:20:00.001-08:00

all that i REALLY want to do with my life is

-make and play with felt bacon people

-have a successful massage and energetics practice

-make cupcakes

-laugh with good friends (don't need a ton, just good ones which i'm already more than blessed with)

-live part time in hawaii with a strawberry papaya tree outside my house.

-have babies

-give lots of love to a partner.

that's it.

up down turn around please don't let me hit the ground

2009-02-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

there are times in my life when i have no fucking idea what i need or where i am.

it's this unsettled feeling that, in the past, would cause me to act out in all sorts of excessive ways... mainly grabbing onto whatever or whoever i could get my hands on to get my fix.

once sedated, i wouldn't care as much what i needed and would laugh that i even bothered to ask myself such questions.

here, in the now, when i'm stuck somewhere in my life i take a hot shower, drink some water, make some hot tea and then cozy up to my trusty macbook pro and write
and
write
and
breathe
and generally something comes up that seems to answer my question or guide me to what i need.

so i realized tonight that i can not do everything.
and i am not so confident that this consulting gig is resonating with me.

actually, i know it's not resonating.
the CONCEPT of the work is interesting.
but, the actual work of it is not interesting to me anymore.

the people are lovely.
but, seriously, people everywhere are lovely.
i have that ability and gift to see the light in other people's eyes and there are few people that i have ever had a problem working with.

alot is coming up for me in a lot of areas in my life.
i moved into a new place a week ago and it is still in a complete state of chaos.
it is very unsettling to me.
aside from the fact of physically shoving 4 years of objects into an apartment that is 3x smaller... there is the emotional component.

i do not have much physical stuff in the grand scheme of things. i've moved alot in my life and it was always important to me to keep my possessions small. however, i lived in my last place for 4 years.. and apparently had a bit of an amazon.com book buying splurge during that time...

so, i'm in the process of purging.
and many of the objects are beautiful gifts from relationships past.
pretty paintings, lovely little boxes, this hilariously adorable snow globe with a picture of an ex boyfriend and his dog in it (seriously, so dorky but was so cute)...

and like, what the fuck do i do with all of this stuff?

so, i am taking all of these boxes and shit to goodwill.
and releasing alot.
and i think that is taking a toll on me emotionally a bit.. which is manifesting as physical illness.

i'm in this physical environment of complete chaos and purging and rebirth...i feel like my head should be spinning but even now.. there is a calmness to the unsettled feelings.. more like an observer of my situation than attaching to my situation...

and i'm finding that my attachment to these _objects_ or rationalization of why i "can't get rid of that just yet" ... is not just about these fucking tchotchkes but has been a position in much of my life...

rationalizing the fear away.

and i'm not beating myself up because i know everyone feels this and blah blah blah (there i go again justifying my feelings)...

but, i really hate this old world of patents...
and i can justify it with all of the fear based things that i want to..
some common ones...

1) the pay is good for the hours worked
2) it's easy (if mind numbing and sometimes frustrating) work
3) it's only a small portion of your week/life
4) the people are great
5) shouldn't make emotional decisions...
6) give it a chance it will get better
7) you really could be starting your massage practice at the same time as this

and the thing is that i know that i am good at massage. i have lived a life as just a massage therapist and fucking LOVE it and can support myself with it.

soooo... why am i not doing that??? well, probably because i'm scared that my life can actually be that good.

so, i'm reminded to work on receiving.
it's only a few weeks into this consulting thing but I do not foresee that it is going to last much longer.

i just re-read over all of this and i am thinking that my lesson is not to settle.
i have created a situation in the NOW where i do not have to settle for anything less than what i need to nourish me.

my head is killing me right now.
i don't feel the overwhelming sense of relief of enlightenment that i normally get from writing.
but it has become a bit clearer that what i need right now is bed.
and to be done with this project.
and to take the fucking leap and just create my own practice.
i know in my gut and in my heart that i can build a successful practice.
time to put my energy where it feels best and is nourished by my spirit.
wow, that's ultimate freedom.
grateful for this.

integrity.

2009-01-22T22:34:00.001-08:00

it's been another interesting day followed by another interesting night.

i can not imagine a dull life and therefore don't experience one.

sooo here's a little laundry list of things i did today. please pardon the "and then, at band camp" kind of format. i don't have a table here in my tiny apartment yet and for some reason i can't think to write when i'm hunched over sitting on the floor like this.

so today i started my new daily process of waking up and doing qi gong and meditating.

one little known fact about me is that i usually wake up in the morning in a panic. it hasn't happened as much lately but used to be a constant way that i experienced life.

i would wake up with an anxiety attack about what i am/was supposed to be doing and immediately start freaking out. needless to say, this was a terrible way to start the day.

i've since chilled a bit but there is usually a little bit of an edge of panic there when i wake up.. it's like i freak out that i'm late or fucking something up by not doing things. it's a remnant of my human doing instead of human being phase and i assume that it will continue to dissipate into obscurity.

anyway, the qi gong and meditating chilled me out. i did it rather groggily this morning upon waking and am looking forward to incorporate it into my daily routine. i did this daily on the island this summer and found it was really grounding.

when i was in hawaii i came to the huge realization that i really want children at some point in my life. and during the trip i embraced this as something that is definitely going to happen for me and it is very exciting.

i also told my friend ra that i wanted to have silver fox's babies (i'm sure that i've written about him somewhere on here. apparently we've been doing our "thing" since 2005.) silver fox is a wonderful man who i adore whole heartedly. he is the only man that i've met so far that i would really want to replicate by having babies with.

so, i was talking with silver fox on the phone today about my hawaii trip (he used to live there) and out of the blue he says... so, if you ever want to have babies i would be willing/able to do that with you. and that he wanted to throw that possibility out there because he knows that things can't be created without a possibility first existing.

so, basically he offered to be my baby daddy.
which is frankly a very weird thing for someone to say to you!
but perhaps even weirder that it kind of makes sense.
the sticking points here are mainly lifestyle things..

he lives in a beautiful place outside of san fran but i really don't want to live on a golf course or in san fran...
he's much older which really doesn't bother me but does lead to basic questions of that nature like how long he'll be around, the societal judgements ,etcetc... he's one of the healthiest people i know (probably healthier than me) and i would prefer to think about the 20 or 30 years of life together that we would have instead of the other way around...

he's a really amazing person and we have a really incredible connection.
there are advantages of dating a guy my age-ish. mainly that you get to go through all of the same things together.
but there is also the coolness of being with a much older guy who really has his shit together.

the other sticking points are how we would work this out...like i don't want to be a single mom and i don't want to move to san fran and there is no way he would move here.

anyway, it's something to consider and we will see if that manifests. i am reminded ONCE AGAIN to watch what words i use as they seem to manifest pretty quickly these days.

finished the night with an awesome time with my gal pal from this summer. i absolutely love having good friends! it's nice to enter into this phase of really surrounding myself with people who love me and i love back. it feels honest.

OH, and then i started my consulting gig today. it's part time and perfect while i get my massage biz set up. the project i'm working on is super cool.. it's doing patent analysis for a government.. working with tech policy experts around the world... the country will then base it's tech policy direction on this analysis! how cool is that!?!?

anyway, i'm praying that my upstairs neighbor stops being loud.. this will be a long 5 months.. i can't tell if he's fucking and has a short timespan or if he is doing sets of situps obsessively. he's an ATF agent so i am guessing that it might be the latter. he is also hot so it could be the former. i don't really want to hear it either way.

anyway, life is good. living in integrity and resonating with who i am and where i am more and more.

aloha, loves!

omg omg omg omg !!!

2009-01-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

returned from an amazing week on the big island in hawaii.

pictures here.

(and for your viewing pleasure.. here is a link to the pics from my last visit in april 2007 when i had an actual camera that focused!)

i had a few major breakthroughs on this trip.
1) everything is OK in the present moment.

2) it's time to CELEBRATE!

2008 was a really rough year and i'm grateful for all of the points of introspection. i've grown a ton and wouldn't change it for anything (nor can i change the past so no point with the wishful thinking thing).

i performed a little ritual at the main lava vent in kilauea ...literally gave up my need to control and have officially surrendered to just going with the flow. at the mouth of destruction is also creation. i've spent alot of time re-creating my world view and am in a much healthier happier place than i've ever genuinely been before.

i've gotten a little bogged down in the muck of introspection at times and am really ready to fully EMBRACE my fun side and just run with that for awhile. i was looking back at all of my flickr photos tonight and i've had a damn good life and am a professional "fun" maker/haver..time to lighten up and get back on that train. (thanks wendy for the inspiration. you mean the world to me)

3) i'm sooo ready for a partner to share this awesomeness with.

there is a hawaiian story that says you only need 3 things in life:
#1 to have something to do
#2 to have something to look forward to
#3 to have someone to share it with

#1 and #2 are pretty easy to figure out how to do and are largely a result of the effort that you put into the energy on the material plane

the third, they say, is a blessing.

so, yay for me.
yay for you.
and when i feel like actually writing something more coherent, you'll be hearing back from me.
for now, it's time to play.
lovelovelove

hawaii-5-0 and new stuff

2009-01-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

argh! for some reason firefox just crashed and erased my post...i'm using some unknown internet connection in my apartment building.. can someone be IN my internets?

things i wrote about:

1) i started a bacon blog. it's fun and satisfies my obsession with making these bacon people and posing them in everyday life.

my short term goal is to send out bacon people to my friends and start an etsy store selling these bacon bendy people and then have people take pics of bacon doing fun things to populate the blog.

my present and long term goal is FUN and spreading the gospel of candy meat.

2) i have a new apartment.
it's tiny but after spending the afternoon here i've decided that i like it.
it's nice to have a quiet space to call my own.

i was really emotional leaving my sister's house yesterday. i went upstairs to send madeline and anna off to school and it was so adorable and i got all teary. i'm going to miss having these two little pockets of love hugging me and telling me they love me in the morning.

my new place is half a block from greenlake and i can see the space needle in the distance from my front sidewalk.

it's a basement apartment and def the tiniest place i've ever lived. but i strangely like how cozy it is to live in the ground.. perhaps this will change in summer when i'm craving sunshine.. but it's a 6 month lease and i may end up back on the island in june.. so it's all good.

3) i'm leaving for hawaii tomorrow.
it's a week long trip.
my awesome friend ra bought me a ticket in exchange for driving.
i thought the trade off was rad as i love hawaii and we got a convertible.

it's going to be the year anniversary of breaking my leg on monday. what a way to celebrate!?!?

in a word, i'm stoked.

this year has been incredibly transformational and i am so amazed and delighted with the process.

definitely parts that majorly sucked but as i've gone on and on about.. breaking my leg was really the best thing that could have happened.

my practice is up and running and i got a fill in gig at a local massage therapy clinic. i'm ready to start rocking out with everything when i get back. it's time to move it on up.

i'm setting my intentions for the year when i'm in hawaii. it includes being open to finding an amazing partner, building a successful massage practice and continuing to live in integrity with myself.

in the land of quotes.. happiness is when what you think , what you say and what you do are in harmony. (gandhi)

i'm feeling this resonance with my authentic self more and more and it's truly delightful to free fall in heart centered living.

i had an amazing mentorship class this week. my mentorship group is where i meet with a mentor who is a native american shaman (?) and body worker and we learn how to work with the energetic body.

it's totally incredible work and has facilitated so much of my "quick" healing over the past year. i am a huge fan mainly because i have experienced the thoroughness of healing that can be achieved with these methods.

i have been aware of moments when i am living in a truly non dualistic state. it's this incredibly peaceful place. no judgments of myself or others. no freaking out (after catching myself freaking out and then realizing it's futile). no desperate fear based attempts to control.

basically it's living a heart centered life and i can feel this beautiful light coming from my heart chakra and just kind of spreading out into everything around me.. or really more like me tapping into that energy.

anyway, the non dualistic state feels peaceful but not neutral...and so i've been looking for ways to describe it. this week in mentorship we learned about the energy fields of the earth and how to tap into them in this state (?) called the third field which lives between polarities.

i'm stoked to learn and study more about this. we used some techniques to "get into" the third field this week in class and the results were amazing. i've taken it to my massage therapy work and found the results are pretty amazing. very cool new direction.

anyway, i feel very open to life and whatever it might bring... and also in a calm peaceful empowered state of awareness.

unplugging from the grid as of tomorrow for an entire week (no facecrack, internet, computer or phone)

as always i thank y'all for your love and support. and know i've got your back too.

lovelovelove

aloha

started a new blog

2009-01-02T00:31:00.001-08:00

click here to see it.

sing your life...

2009-01-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

whew.
sometimes my head spins out of control and pukes all over the world.
i try my best not to hit specific people with my letters these days.

this blog is the vomitorium where i spew all of those thoughts when i can no longer keep them inside.

i spew the symbols, they move the thoughts through.
it's a lovely symbiotic relationship.
the blog gets fed.
the thought forms get out.
and my pretty little head is back at peace.

let the process unfold and consciousness evolve as it needs to. it's not about me, doesn't belong to me and is not personal in any way. it's the force of conscious evolution expressing itself and going where it needs to go.

i was waiting for the light to fill the sky this morning and gave up around 630am.
woke up around 1130 to see a typical foggy hazy seattle winter morning and was glad that i didn't wait for the sunrise after all.

would not have been much of a show. although i do tend to dig shades of gray these days.

had a lovely brunch with my gal pals this morning.
a really fantastic karaoke party last night with some of my favorite friends.
as my beautiful friend wendy says, "all of my friends are my best friends".
true.
i am grateful for so many amazing people in my life right now and feeling the love.

the head trip of last night really is of no consequence.
on further meditation i realize that i have spent alot of time working on my relationship with myself. i actually like myself now and am open to being in an intimate relationship with someone else.

i think it should also follow that i might get confused along the way while navigating this relationship territory. i have never really "dated" guys. like, just getting to know guys without sleeping with them right away. likely because i never respected men before.

now i find men really intriguing and really appreciate the masculine energy.
it's good stuff!
it's beautiful!
and my cup runneth over.

so i realized today that i'll put my intentions into learning and living in healthy relationships and see where that takes me.

i feel vulnerable in this arena. but safe.
it's got an incredibly beautiful lightness to it.

there is no wrong answer and i'm just grateful for the awareness to be evolving and consciously engaging.

i don't know if i really believe in a "one" person. but i know i'm definitely into the idea of a monogamous relationship right now. the idea and feeling of exploring the depths of intimacy with one person is exciting and amazing.

so, i keep rockin' on and see where it's all going.
living in the light is aiiight.

but don't take it from me. you got the answers for you already. just let it go and sing your life:

Move over bacon, it’s the anti-fakin’

2008-12-26T12:38:00.000-08:00

It’s the end of the year and I have been snowbound in the suburbs of Seattle for the past week.

I am currently living with my sister, brother in law and two nieces in their home in the suburbs. My room is in the basement of their house and has two windows, a bed, a dresser, a table/chair, a wall full of books and a separate bathroom.

I’m grateful to have this opportunity to live with my family. It’s not often that you get a situation like this as an adult.

Fortunately for our little Seattle family, they were unable to fly to Pennsylvania for the holidays. We had what was definitely the best Christmas ever yesterday.

It’s the end of the year and I am snowbound in Seattle. This has given me a lot of time to reflect on this past year.

2008 has been an absolute ass-kicker for me. It started on the banks of the Mississippi in New Orleans telling myself that I had nothing to fear this year and twelve days later I was literally on my ass in the parking lot of my massage school writhing in pain from what would turn out to be a broken leg.

I’ve had a lot of time to sit and think this year and decide what is really important to me and what is not. And it turns out that I have nothing to fear.

I’ve gotten in touch with my body and realized the inner wisdom to heal myself.

I’ve regained power that I thought was taken from me.

I faced those things and people that I perceived as “monsters” in my life and realized that they were just scared people (me or them) doing their best at the time.

I’ve learned compassion for myself and found that once I forgive myself I can extend that compassion to others. I’ve found that the reverse – giving out more than giving to myself – makes for a sloppy situation all around.

I’ve learned how beautiful men can be and that they have emotions! (“they’re not just for fucking anymore” or fucking over.)

I’ve learned how to draw boundaries.

I’ve learned how to practice.
Practice patience.
Practice slowing down.
Practice meditating.
Practice bodywork.

I’ve learned that lasting love is something that is cultivated and not a black and white situation. I have found peace floating in the grays of life instead of impaling myself on the jagged chards of the dualistic black and white world.

I am being the change that I want to see in the world.

I am asking for help.
I am accepting help.
I am grateful for that help.

I am OK shedding tears if that’s what I need at the moment, but I don’t need to attach to them.

I am OK screaming if that’s what I need at the moment, but I don’t need to brandish that anger to make others “pay” or medicate it anymore.

I’ve learned to detach with love.

I still struggle with depression at times, especially when I’m physically ill. This has shown me that my physical health needs as much love as my emotional, spiritual and mental health. They are all connected.

I’ve paid for my past debts and don’t need to repeat those mistakes.

For the longest time, I have associated love with pain. My heart would ache even when receiving love. This process of shedding the layers of armor around my heart has involved a lot of tears, faith and peace. All facets of this opening are beautiful.

I’m learning to lead a heart-centered life instead of a mind/ego-centered life.

I’m letting go of control and free-falling but not falling into the trap of being codependent on the universe.

I’m ready to keep jumping and free floating in the deep end.

I’ve been really watching my energy and paying attention to what relationships/choices build that energy and what relationships take that energy away.

Yesterday was so supremely filled with love and it was wonderful to be able to feel it and give it without tears or confusion.

Facebook, or Facecrack as I call it, has inspired me to really think about how I represent myself to others and what my online and in-person identity is. Again, as in most of my life, I have no explicit “package” for who I am. I find labels limiting for once you label something there are a ton of pre-conceived notions and judgements that go along with that and the mind tends to shut down from learning anything further.

I’ve never been able to put myself in a box or explain how I live my life except that I find myself interested in something, put energy towards it and then achieve that thing. I am grateful for this ability and freedom.

The one thing that I have realized is that most of my decisions have been driven by love. A blurry intoxicated yippie dog high kind of love this first part of my life… and transitioning into a sweetly smooth centered and grounded kind of love in this current phase.

Eartha Kitt died this week and there was a quote where she said that: "I just stuck to my own guns and I think that was one of the way's I have survived. The audience is not supposed to know that I'm scared, the shyest person in the world."

That’s kind of where I started with this whole blog thing. This “larger than life” image of myself that was mainly ego and control based. I started using kathyjrox as a real stuart smalley kind of thing to convince myself that I truly did rock. (inspired by my dear pal whose email handle is girl2be)

Frankly, it worked. So, I feel that it’s time to start a new page and a new blog. I really know that I rock now and you know this too or if you don’t know it, that’s OK too.

I’m tying up a lot of loose ends this week and going to head into a retreat for a few days of meditating and goal setting before I ring in the new year with some of my favorite people in the world.

Tomorrow is a new moon in Capricorn which is all about getting the practical side of things ready. I find that this is where I’ve been naturally trending this week and am grateful to have more universal energy trending toward this as well.

In general, this is an incredible time of transformation and potential energy that we’re living in. I think the economic “meltdown” is a good time to reevaluate my relationship with the current financial system and really become intentional with where I put my money and my time.

This quote from Gandhi is really resonating with me this week:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

As always, it’s an exciting time to be alive and I’m grateful for you in my life.

home again, naturally.

2008-12-13T00:20:00.000-08:00

in an acupuncture session today, i had this huge column of white light enter my heart chakra and spread throughout my body bringing this amazing sense of balance and peace.

at that point, we called it a day. you can't ask for more than that.

i completed my east coast adventure last sunday and spent most of this week recovering (physically, energetically, emotionally) from the experience.

the visit back east afforded me the opportunity to spend with people i love dearly. (but honestly there was not enough time to see so many other dear friends!)

my grandmother died two mondays ago.
i was in DC at the "house of love" - as i am affectionately calling my friend gab and sir b's pad- when i got the news. (the vibe in that place is incredibly chill and they have such an amazingly beautiful relationship. very inspirational.)

they had found my grandmother passed out in her house a few days earlier and managed to revive her. she was diagnosed with a touch of pneumonia and a few days later was moved to a transitional care facility. the next day she was in the ER and the following day she died.

i was never particularly close with my grandmother. i had alot of respect for her because she lived a very interesting life. she grew up in a polish neighborhood in staten island, the 4th daughter of polish immigrant parents, worked on wall street (got a hot stock tip on uranium), moved to los alamos with my grandfather while he worked on the manhattan project...etcetc

but my memories weren't really the fuzzy warm memories that most people seem to associate with grandmothers. one of my main "grandma new jersey" memories is being a young child and trying to go to sleep on her living room floor while she had the lights on, the tv on and was sitting on her couch a foot away from us smoking cigarettes and talking loudly to my parents. the room was always way too hot and it was impossible to fall asleep with her banter and smoke.

she was probably a woman who did not want kids but that was the thing to do in her generation. i had a collection of her stories here that she wrote and will start posting them (likely on a second blog that's family accessible).

the night before she died, i did some spirit traveling and went to talk with her spirit before i went to bed. i tried to assure her that she could let go and would be at peace and that everything was OK. i remember seeing a lot of rainbows as i spoke with her.

the next morning i got the call that she had passed away.
she called the nurse in because her light had gone out.
she asked the nurse to turn the light on and when the nurse turned around my grandmother had died.
i think it's neat that she went out with/in the light.

as i was driving home from DC to my parents house that afternoon, rainbows suddenly appeared in the mist of the cars and then this absolutely amazing rainbow appeared on the face of this rock outcrop and into the river near my parents house.

so, i think grandma was with me that day and i know that her spirit is in a much better place. she talked about seeing her deceased children, husband and friends the day before she died and seemed happy to make the transition.

i found the entire ceremony around the death slightly ridiculous. the concept of looking at the dead body at the wake was strange to me. she had definitely checked out of that body and it seemed like a strange custom to plasticize the body and then put it in a room. i suppose it gives a sense of closure, but i like to think of her spirit living on and her body animated by her spirit.

one thing that the wake showed me is that she was a very spirited woman. the body without her spirit was nothing but a shell.

the funeral itself was at a catholic church and there were a dozen people in attendance, all family. she used to have a very active social life but in the last decade broke off all of her relationships with her close friends for various paranoid spiteful reasons.

the church was freezing because the furnace had blown out.

my family lifted the casket out of the hearse and then rolled it down the aisle.
we had to walk in procession behind the casket.
it was awkward and i found myself simultaneously rolling my eyes at my sisters and trying to maintain some sense of decorum in this "temple of god".
near the end of the procession i burst into tears and ducked into a pew as soon as i could.

the sermon had many good points.
the main ones include that people are just trying to do their best.
and that it's important to realize that and move on and live a heart centered life now.
and some other things.

these basic tenets of compassion were also peppered with catholic propaganda like "going to confession, at least once, preferably twice, a year as every good catholic should" kinds of things...

then they wheeled the coffin back out and we went off to the gravesite.
one of the most interesting parts of this visit is that i discovered all of the deaths in the family.
my dad (like me) had twin brothers that died shortly after birth and a sister who died at an early age.
my grandmother had a brother who died when they were young and on top of losing 3 born children, also had a number of miscarriages.

i realized also that nothing is personal.
everyone has people they know who die.
it's part of life.

i went to my twin brothers gravesite in maryland a few days before my grandma died. my first memory is their funeral when i was 4 years old and i felt that i needed to go to the cemetery.

i arrived at the cemetery around sunset and it was exactly how i had remembered it in my dream. i didn't bother to stop at the main house and had no idea where my brothers were actually buried. i was relying on my four year old memory to show me the way.

i found a few places that matched my memory of the funeral and wandered around the graveyard looking for their marker while the sun continued to set. i was the only person in that part of the graveyard and i became more desperate to find their names as the sun continued to plunge into the horizon.

then it struck me that i really didn't need to find the physical marker with their names on it. the fact that i was there and that they were there with me (and here with me now) was enough. i continued to walk on and cried as i did when i was 4 years old on that summery day (no daffodils in my hands this time).

and then, i felt this overwhelming sense of peace.
another circle completed.

this visit home was about completing alot of circles in many areas of my life.
places and people that i needed to get some sort of closure with to move on to the next thing.
it was an incredibly peaceful experience and i'm grateful for this opportunity to grow and learn and love.

it was helpful for me to move beyond my personal attachment and see the larger picture and become more compassionate for all of us.

we're all in this together.

(the picture is a doll that i found in my grandmother's house. it reminded me that people are either acting out of love or fear. and that when they are acting out of fear, it is really just a request for love.)