I just want something I can never have

Hush

2009-12-09T16:39:00.004+02:00

There was a power outage at home last night. The problem was quite serious apparently because the whole area was swallowed in darkness for over an hour. After the initial exasperation I found the blackout fascinating in a way. I love the scent of burning candles and the sight of dripping paraffin. I wrapped myself in a wool blanket; the cat sneaked under and fell asleep on my chest. All the sounds disappeared and outside there was only candle light lingering through the windows here and there. Time stopped in a long moment of peace.

The pictures worked much better than I expected:

"Monday, Monday..."

2009-12-08T09:20:00.000+02:00

Every Monday morning at the office all around me I hear the same old song: I hate Mondays! (Ah, but you’re happy to receive that paycheck aren’t you?) Contrary to the popular opinion I like them. Mondays seem to me like a new beginning and I welcome them hoping that this new week will be different than the previous one. There’s no escaping routine once you’re locked inside it. But just before the “Start” button is pressed I hope that maybe this time there will be a bug in the system.

Google for dummies

2009-12-01T15:02:00.001+02:00

One of the main Bulgarian music web sites announced today that NIN put some of their gear and equipment for sale on eBay. So far, so good. Not surprisingly the fact someone working for that site decided a NIN related news was worth posting won my admiration. But…you don’t expect anything good to follow do you?

First: it’s old news already.

Second: the article claims NIN announced the end of their musical career which is not true.

Third: according to the same article the last ever NIN concert took place on June 13^th 2009 which is also not true.

Don’t you know how to Google you idiots!?

Cure for pain

2009-12-01T13:32:00.001+02:00

Whatever the stress I'm under this song can surely suck it all out:

A fresh look

2009-11-30T13:05:00.011+02:00

I played a tourist in my hometown yesterday. I’m happy to notice the old buildings in central Sofia undergo massive restoration-for some the results are already visible, for others work is still in progress and I can’t wait for their transformation from Cinderellas to queens. It’s wonderful to see those old beauties rejuvenated and shining in their new found glory. The city looks different when you don’t have to rush and take your time:

Cutie

2009-11-29T09:18:00.001+02:00

I couldn’t resist taking a picture of that baby Pomeranian through the window of a pet store:

Intermezzo

2009-11-28T17:31:00.004+02:00

Journal log, Nov 27^th 2009

6 PM, burning cigarette in my left hand, a cup of latte macchiato still full to the brim, retro hits from the speakers-I must be in my favorite café. I am-for a fourth time this week; and it is Friday. It’s too early to go home and I’m too tired to go anywhere else. My usual detour between work and home. I feel safe here. No one bothers me. Waiters greet me with a smile (tips help I guess). The fortune for today says “joy”. Not bad, it would come in very handy.

It’s so peaceful here; I just lean and stare at people. Occasionally someone stares back but that doesn’t bother me now. Some people complain the place is too expensive. It is…but then again not really because I get the maximum value for the money I give. I pay not only for the liquid in my cup but for the comfort as well and that sometimes is priceless.

It feels as if the time I spend here doesn’t exist. The hidden 25^th hour. Stolen time; just for me to sit here with no worries on my mind because I left them at the door as I walked in. A friend wondered “You go there alone!?”. Well, yes. I recall a quote from Julian Barnes’ “Nothing to be frightened of”: “Loneliness doesn’t scare me as long as I know when it’s going to end”. I don’t but somehow here that doesn’t scare me.

One can get used to many things even if it seems impossible at first. Maybe there comes a point in one’s life when one forgets other alternatives exist. Priorities shift with age. Fatigue accumulates. Comfort starts to seem more appealing than excitement. A good book rather than idle chatter. Silence rather than drunken laughter. Rest rather than sleepless night. I don’t really need to compare myself to anyone else. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not just to fit because it won’t make me happier. What is happiness after all? Clean conscience. No regrets. Peace of mind.

P.S. I tried to find the correct quote but apparently no one else seems to like it. Search, however, was not all in vain because I found another great one from the same writer:

"Books say: She did this because. Life says: She did this. Books are where things are explained to you; life is where things aren't. I'm not surprised some people prefer books. Books make sense of life. The only problem is that the lives they make sense of are other people's lives, never your own."

In a Friday state of mind

2009-11-27T13:40:00.001+02:00

Optical illusions

2009-11-26T11:00:00.003+02:00

Funny how evening gives a magical appearance even to trivial objects.

The view from my office window after sunset:

And even the ugliest building in the Business Park looks like a Christmas tree:

I had just too much of you today

2009-11-25T16:54:00.000+02:00

People are my cure and poison. Without them I die; too much of them kill me. (Now, when I put it that way I can’t help to think I shouldn’t bother which one it’s going to be since either way it ends the same.) Too bad the dosage is out of my control. I have no choice but to take it as it comes and swallow it submissively or else there might not be a next one. Sometimes it tastes heavenly as a chocolate muffin; more often it is bitter but frowning is not allowed in public. That is what I have the blog for.

"There is no good, no evil-only me"

2009-11-24T17:02:00.005+02:00

People talk a lot and that’s neither good nor bad. That’s only up to one’s liking and one’s friends patience and willingness to listen. What I do find to be a bad thing is when people take themselves too seriously and assume their and their words only should be reckoned with; when they promote themselves to a godlike position and decide they have the knowledge and the privilege to judge what’s right and what’s wrong. Self-proclaimed righteousness is a scary disposition and I’m instantly taken aback by anyone who clearly thinks his/her poo smells of roses. There is no insurance against making mistakes-I of all people should know. And that is not just a figure of speech-I do think I have the right to speak of no one else but me meaning I have the right to criticize one person only: me. And only I know how merciless I can be.

Very few things are not allowed and can not be forgiven under any circumstances. Such as: destroying someone’s life for the sake of personal benefit or simply for the sake of destroying it. My primal argument against existence of God as God is portrayed in religion (any religion; the main character is one and the same and just goes by a different name). Obviously he/she (gender is a minor detail as far as I’m concerned) doesn’t exist because otherwise bad things wouldn’t happen to good people. In other words: punishment would match the misdemeanour. Is it so? Was it ever so? Nope. I suppose in the past religion served the purpose of setting moral standards. Sure, its main purpose was/still is to “keep the flock of sheep in line” and enrich the shepherds at the expense of the numerous nameless sheep. But those were times when few people were educated and basically churches were the only place they could be given guidance about what’s good and what’s evil.

Let me bring you the news: those days are long gone. As long as at least 100 years. And on the scale of an average human life that is a long time. I’m sorry but I just don’t get it how nowadays anyone with at least a grain of common sense would even consider the possibility of God let alone to believe God exists.

Heaven? Hell? Everything’s right here and right now. Does anyone really want an afterlife? I hardly cope with Part 1 and thanks, but no, thanks, I don’t need a sequel.

“What a difference a day makes…

2009-11-23T16:57:00.001+02:00

…24 little hours…”

I bet people who write inspirational/motivational books praising the power of positive thinking don’t work in a stressful environment.

A wishful thinker’s perfect moment

2009-11-22T07:29:00.001+02:00

It’s early Sunday morning, the daylight just took over the night darkness, the cat is sitting in my lap, purring and warm, it’s “oh so quiet”, and right now, before proven otherwise, everything seems possible.

A few days ago I had a surprise visit at the office: a friend I haven’t seen in more than 5 years. And as if those years in between didn’t exist; as if we parted just yesterday. It felt great to see him again. I miss him.

Al Di Meola in Sofia-November 7, 2009

2009-11-12T11:44:00.000+02:00

Time goes by and I don’t want to waste any more of it to tell how the Saturday concert was. And it was…heavenly. It was my fourth Al Di Meola concert (I checked my ticket collection) and his sixth (?) visit to Bulgaria. Al Di Meola proved once again he’s one of the best guitar players (if not the best which is my personal opinion). He’s not only a 1^st class musician but in addition incredibly charismatic live performer who put the whole audience in “Bulgaria” hall under the most wonderful spell. Those 2 hours were surreal and magical as a daydream. Two hours of pure pleasure to remind me there is sunshine after rain and to bring back my smile when it rains again. It is fair to give credit to the other 4 musicians that played alongside Mr. Meola and the way those 5 interacted together in perfect harmony and with mutual joy was like throwing a glimpse at a new dimension-the experience was beyond words and imagination. I felt like bowing to them-and I kind of did at the very end after the encore that drove me to total bliss. I was some 3 m away from them and the realization I was in the presence of someone so great knocked me off my feet. The 5 of them just stood on the stage looking at us, smiling, while we kept on clapping hands-we didn’t want to let them go. I really hope he’ll come to play in Bulgaria again-it’s just never enough!

It arrived!

2009-11-10T12:05:00.001+02:00

Don't stop the dance

2009-11-07T09:08:00.001+02:00

Tonight I’ll have a night of culture. I almost wrote here “Night of violence! We’re gonna bring it to you, we’re gonna do it tonight!”…ah, I’d so much love to go to at least one more Alec Empire concert…No, it’s another “A” musician but the same letter is the one thing they have in common. Instead of jumping and screaming tonight I’ll sit quietly and breathlessly listen to the melting guitar of Al Di Meola. This is his fourth concert in Bulgaria and my third-I missed him once and I still regret that. Truly looking forward for tonight!

Vienna in pictures-29.10.2009

2009-11-06T16:29:00.021+02:00

Vienna is a beautiful city.

One word

2009-10-31T14:55:00.001+02:00

Smashing!

In short

2009-10-24T09:20:00.004+03:00

Right now, a few days before my brief trip to Vienna I have only one association with it: the perspective to be completely alone if only for two and a half days, away from everything familiar. I can’t wait for that. Huh, I’m not even remotely excited about the show. Maybe that’ll change once I enter the club. Even so, some peace and rest will do me a lot of good.

Amazon alerted me today that my order has shipped! This means that in two weeks time the latest VAC album-“The art of breaking apart”, will be in my hands. Wonderful news.

One of my very favorite old pieces:

For the record

2009-10-21T12:01:00.002+03:00

Yesterday “Pretty Hate Machine” marked its 20^th anniversary-it was originally released on October 20^th 1989.

20 years! I still remember how I bought that album.

From this morning

2009-09-22T14:31:00.003+03:00

Denial

2009-09-12T14:49:00.003+03:00

Denial is mind’s life vest to assure its survival in extraordinary situations.

I refuse to accept it’s all over for me. No wonder I choose denial over accepting the inevitable truth I will never ever be so happy again. Ever. I can not “wave goodbye”. Sorry. For me that is because I can not be sure I’ll get over it at all-not with my taste for impossible dreams. But it's a dream that was a reality more than once and I want it real again. What was the title of my blog? Year, right. The reasonable part of me is revolted by the drama queen that my other part is but it is my fucking drama and I will cry all the tears I have until my sadness is dried up.

Under no circumstances I could have attended the last ever show. Even if I had a ticket for it because it was originally scheduled for Sept 5^th and subsequently postponed for Sept 10^th at a time when flight and accommodation rearrangements wouldn’t have been possible. There was no way for me to be there in LA on Thursday night. Some things are final. Being helpless to change the past is devastating.

Yeah, sure, TR will perform live again-in the USA, in Asia perhaps (he’s fond of Asia) but definitely not in Europe-I don’t need a crystal ball to bet on that.

Not that it comes as a big surprise but still…

2009-08-17T11:21:00.006+03:00

Last night there was nothing interesting on TV and I stuck mainly to “Elektra”-I knew it was a stupid movie but since I fancied nothing in particular from the program it would be all the same what I’d watch and at lest that one was subtitled…Anyway, the movie turned out to be very boring indeed and I was just about to go to sleep when I heard this dialog:

“Two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four.

Two, three, four. One...”
…
“- And the, uh, the counting.

- Sorry?

- O.C.D.

- I don't have O.C.D. I had it when I was a kid,
but I haven't done that in years.

- You were just doing it. When you walk slow like that.
What are you doing? Are you counting?”

Counting? I do counting; a lot. O.C.D.?!

O.C.D. = Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.

Simply fabulous.

Did I mention that after reading the signs for O.C.D I checked positive for most of them? I didn’t? As if depression wasn’t enough.

Reading concert reviews is bad for your health

2009-08-13T16:28:00.001+03:00

Especially when that’s your favorite band you read about. Why? ‘cause in most cases you get to see one show (some manage to see more but let’s assume it’s one). So you go to that one show and it feels great or even fantastic or (if you’re extremely lucky) absolutely unbelievably amazing. And when it is over you feel privileged you witnessed something you utterly believe was unique. You feel special. It seems to you the band made extra efforts just for you and that it can’t possibly get better than that. Instead of holding to that illusion and your precious memories you indulge your curiosity and read the forums to see what it was like at the shows you didn’t get to see. It turns out it could get better and for some (apparently luckier than yourself) it did get better. Surprise, surprise-you just can’t help to feel fucked.

Why did I have to read the Singapore reviews? Duh.

Next destination: Vienna

2009-08-06T16:11:00.001+03:00

In less than 24 hours I managed to obtain all I needed:
• the concert ticket
• the flight ticket
• the hotel reservation.

So far that is the fastest I’ve ever arranged a trip. Now I only have to wait 2 and ½ months. Phui. Hopefully something will come up in the meantime.