I just want something I can never have

ABP # xxxxxxxxxx

2008-07-23T11:40:00.003+03:00

The wine has no taste. The food

        sickens you. There seems no reason

        for any of it, does there?

Umm, pretty much; the description is accurate enough to need anything more added to it. And it’s not even Christmas yet.

Something wicked this way comes

2008-07-14T16:35:00.000+03:00

Not really. It has never left; it has been here all along. You can’t get rid of your shadow can you? Now, now, it wasn’t really a question.

“Destroy everything you touch…”

I thought numbness would feel better but it doesn’t.

Tolerance is too close to indifference

2008-07-10T12:04:00.000+03:00

Always letting other people in front, always considering what’s best for other people first, always indulging someone else’s feelings, always prioritizing the greater good…I am so lost in you that I don’t see myself in the picture.

Do you know what real silence is?

2008-07-08T13:40:00.003+03:00

When you don’t care to grumble and complain even to your dearest people. And you shutter completely.

happy birthday

2008-06-26T04:54:00.002+03:00

to me.
just smile, nod and don't forget to say "thank you". it shouldn't be so hard to do.
rrright...

London calling

2008-05-22T04:27:00.001+03:00

BBS

It's 17th of May again :)

2008-05-17T08:38:00.002+03:00

Happy birthday Trent :)

And a very happy birthday to my dear friend Dani-I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Stumbled across

2008-05-10T07:59:00.002+03:00

“It doesn't matter if there is a God or no – a man should live as if there is”

“The only way for a person to be saved is to be a savior”

N.B. I am not religious and neither is the man who said those words. I guess there is more to religion than faith in (a) God alone. Faith however is requisite.

Little furry beauties

2008-05-05T11:08:00.002+03:00

Read and weep (for laughter)

2008-05-04T10:35:00.001+03:00

Here’s what happened a few days ago on my dog’s evening walk. The weather was cold and rainy and I had to put on my black bomber jacket and my “Ville Valo” hat-you know, the kind that looks as if you have a condom on your head. What? I love that hat; it suits me and if I put an eye-liner I might even look better than V.V. (That’s not proven though. First I have to buy an eye-liner because I don’t have one. I have given up beauty tricks a long time ago. I prefer…how should I say it…”the naked truth” if you don’t mind that expression); tight jeans and OSIRIS trainers to complete my uniform. As I was waiting for Vincent to transport himself into the canine nirvana by sniffing and licking the pee of all the bitches in the area (my poor boy, spring is a tough time for you but you will lick my face later on with that same tongue, you dirty dog!) a car pulled over, the driver’s window unrolled and the man inside (he was my age!) asked “Hey, boy, do you know where I can…” I didn’t hear the rest of the question because I laughed like a lunatic.

So I am a boy…who knew? Hey, but that was actually a compliment! I’d much rather be called a “boy” than “Madam”. Please don’t call me “Madam”. Better shoot me instead-it will be more merciful.

And until women start making passes at me I have no reasons to get upset :)

Discipline-a new (?!) single by Nine Inch Nails

2008-04-25T08:37:00.000+03:00

I don’t say it’s not a good song...but it’s not good enough to have the NIИ stamp on it. It’s utterly dull and therefore disappointing. A brand new song you say? I’ve already listened to it years ago.

Shame on you. That song should have never left the studio.

Goodbye blue sky

2008-04-08T15:30:00.000+03:00

My day is ruined

2008-03-28T11:16:00.000+02:00

Well, why limit myself?! My year is fucked! New concert dates have been announced over the night and let’s say I’m not quite pleased with the locations. North America. How the fuck am I to put myself voluntarily under the humiliating interrogations at the American embassy to get a visa?! How am I going to explain the purpose of my going? How am I to prove I am not a potential immigrant, that I don’t intend to stay illegally and that the only reason for my visit is a rock concert? Maybe I should bring over my entire NiN CD collection, my Spiral ID and my NiN guitar pick?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of nights ago I played the AATCHB DVD. I actually wanted to play only one song; March of the pigs. Half an hour later I was still watching and tears were rolling down my face like a river. No wonder I’m crushed.

touched

2008-03-27T09:32:00.000+02:00

Little fluffy clouds

2008-03-21T20:02:00.002+02:00

Have you ever had that feeling that you are on the verge of screaming and you fear that maybe you won’t be able to stop it?

There.

Eyes wide open. It’s either a scream or tears. Hit me on the head, please. It would hurt less.

Choking suffocating feeling of helplessness.

Look at the sky-so big and blue, so limitless, so peaceful. No, don’t look down. Keep your eyes on the sky.

Ha, one of the clouds looks like that giant four-fingered hand reaching down from above. I love stormy clouds.

I need a hug. A tight hug, tight enough to take my breath away for good.

Exciting performance news!

2008-03-20T10:15:00.002+02:00

Absolutely…for all the North Americans, that is. A few days ago the title appeared on nin.com and I rushed to the performance section enthusiastically (of course!) just to find that so far NiN are scheduled to perform only at Pemberton festival in British Columbia, Canada.

Forgive me if I am not THAT excited.

Well, at least he is considering concerts. That is something to hold on to. God, I hate to wait!

An update at 3.30 PM:

Trent Reznor has given an interview to Zane Lowe of BBC Radio 1 on March 17^th and I just read the transcription. Among other ghostly things he speaks little about his “future plans”:

TRENT: …I’m working on some new material right now, and we have some dates planned to play this year, I can’t get into too much details about it… We’re reassembling the new band, and lots of things going on – there’s no vacation that's in mind for at least another year+ for me…

ZANE: Yeah, I know, I’ve heard that you effectively going to disband the line-up that's been with you for quite some time - it must be quite – to walk away from that outfit as it stood. It’s quite an interesting decision…

TRENT: well, the bones of it are still in place... I mean, to be quite frank, it’s reassessing what Nine Inch Nails is and trying to make sure it stays true to who I am as a person, at the age I’m at right now, and feels relevant and has meaning to me…

ZANE: So you're gonna grow beard and form an acoustic band? Is it what… is it?

TRENT: I didn’t want it to come out… to give it away right now… but… OK (laughing)

Alright…let’s see.

42?

2008-03-18T11:34:00.000+02:00

Yesterday’s fortune slip: “Don’t go into battle with someone who is not your match”. And how did I paraphrase it? “Oh, I must control my temper and avoid fights with people who are weaker than I am; I must not take advantage of those who are less fortunate than me”. I can smell stupidity in an ocean of fancy words; and when I do I chase it like a shark and kill it in a single snap. At least I used to; I taught myself to be more merciful.

What happened to the girl I used to be-dressed in funeral black, waiting for the end of the world, grumpy all the time because it wasn’t coming fast enough? How come now people think of me as of a cheerful, positive, even a light-headed person? Do you think it’s easy? It ain’t. The easiest thing is to say “The hell with everything!”. As tempting as it is I can’t afford that immature attitude anymore.

I realize I am a very lucky girl with a life peaceful and secure enough to allow me the freedom to create for myself imaginary problems, to choose the reasons for the discontent that gives at least some romantic texture to my basically ordinary existence.

Dignity, style and grace

2008-03-13T16:49:00.000+02:00

It can’t be taught or faked. Dignity is not a pose while you sit still waiting for the photographer to take the picture; it’s a way of thinking, the attitude you ooze. It’s not about appearance; you can be a lady even when you’re in jeans and sneakers. Dignity is to look people straight in the eyes and keep your head high. It’s not an “I matter more than you” issue; it’s an “I matter” issue.

Today's photo catch

2008-03-08T19:01:00.005+02:00

Who says I have grown up? :)

2008-03-08T09:39:00.003+02:00

The last time I sat at Coffee House I chose the corner table next to the book shelf:

It can be seen on this picture-the book of Andersen’s tales illustrated by Christian Birmingham. Amazing art work! I love fairy-tales but those illustrations made me gasp with surprise and filled me with admiration. Beautiful!

The Snow Queen

Pretty lights

2008-03-07T08:19:00.001+02:00

Creating GHOSTS I-IV

A personal “GHOSTS” update

2008-03-06T16:55:00.000+02:00

Today it clicked. I had that paralyzing sensation as if some invisible hand has grabbed me by the throat cutting off the strings that keep me attached to the common 3 dimensional world of “see-hear-touch” and throwing me into the depths of an unknown still fascination.

I knew it was coming and yet the actual happening was a shock. It always is. I always wonder if he can do it again.

He did it again.

ИIИE IИCH ИAILS: GHOSTS I-IV

2008-03-03T08:33:00.005+02:00

TR is not a human. He's too brilliant to be a human.
I miss his voice though :(

Me, myself and I

2008-02-27T12:25:00.000+02:00

Read in the “Do it” column in the latest edition of “One week in Sofia”: Spare at least 24 minutes for yourself every twenty-four hours; don’t be cheap-that’s only a minute every hour. After all you’re the best friend you’ll ever have!

A real(ly) short story

2008-02-26T14:04:00.001+02:00

A colleague of mine once made a mistake that I had to correct and he was so embarrassed that instead of saying “I’m sorry for the inconvenience and thank you” he actually said “Thank you for the inconvenience” :)