Joke of The Day

Osama & the Genie

2007-09-23T08:59:00.001-06:00

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin-Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I

don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin-Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with...

Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance.

Break Fluid

2007-09-03T17:31:00.000-06:00

One day this mechanic, Tony, was working late under a car and some brake
fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"WOW!! This stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought to himself.

The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid.

"It's really not bad...in fact, I think I'll try to have some more
today."

His buddy was a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day Tony told his buddy about drinking a full cup of the brake
fluid.

"Great Stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend,

"This break fluid is the world's greatest tasting stuff!"

His friend was now really worried.

"You know, Tony, that brake fluid is poison and it's really nasty stuff.
You better stop drinking it!"

"Hey, no problem," he told his buddy....

"I can stop any time!"

Didn't recognize you

2007-06-15T00:15:00.000-06:00

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her
way home she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

.

.

.

.

.

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

Bin Laden and the Genie in the Bottle

2007-05-07T06:48:00.000-06:00

Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"Infidel, don't you know who I am? I need nothing from a lowly woman," barked bin Laden.

The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he relented. "OK, OK, I want wake up with three white, American women in my bed in the morning. I have plans for them." Giving the genie a cold glare, he growled, "Now, be gone!"

The genie, annoyed, said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken and he had no health insurance.

accident

2007-04-30T06:49:00.001-06:00

My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.

I think I may be...

2007-04-25T06:27:00.000-06:00

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Vacationing Couple

2007-04-23T07:04:00.000-06:00

A man pulled up to a gas station. "Where's the road to San Josie?" he asked. "San Josie? Oh, you mean San Jose," said the attendant. "Around here the "J" is pronounced like an "H". "Okay, San Jose," said the man. "Ya see, we're from New Hersey and will be here on vacation until Hune or Huly."

The Gorilla

2007-04-20T09:55:00.000-06:00

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. He doesn't do too well, and just as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
This goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his backlooking up at a mouthful of teeth and the lion says "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

So Sorry To hear About Your Wife

2007-04-19T09:31:00.000-06:00

Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Therapy Group

2007-04-18T05:25:00.000-06:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve
even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

What To Wear

2007-04-17T08:17:00.000-06:00

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Why??

2007-04-16T06:37:00.000-06:00

Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

Bartender & IRS Agent

2007-04-15T01:05:00.000-06:00

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

The tax man and your child

2007-04-13T06:30:00.000-06:00

A man walks into a store followed by his ten-year-old son. His son is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. While walking through the store someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. His dad starts panicking and shouts and screams for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at the snack bar in the store reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way towards the boy. When he reaches the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat at the snack bar without saying a word.
As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good Heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

New Income Tax Form

2007-04-12T06:29:00.000-06:00

The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts:
1. How much did you make last year?
2. How much do you have left?
3. Send amount listed in part 2.

The Cat and The Husband

2007-04-11T05:32:00.000-06:00

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

Cats Rules Of Life

2007-04-10T06:15:00.000-06:00

Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare... After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.
4. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5. MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don't forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

The Cat

2007-04-09T05:27:00.000-06:00

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says, "stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Top Ten Things A Cat Thinks About...

2007-04-06T04:14:00.000-06:00

I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
Hmmmm.... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
This looks like a good spot for a nap.
Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss !!

Listen to Mother!

2007-04-05T04:13:00.000-06:00

A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.

At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.

The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"

Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"

Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"

Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!

A Cat Heaven

2007-04-04T04:10:00.000-06:00

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"

How To Clean A Cat

2007-04-03T01:09:00.000-06:00

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
the Dog

Cat Scan

2007-04-02T00:59:00.000-06:00

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$1,050."

"$1,050 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $1,000 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

What Do You Get

2007-03-30T05:48:00.000-06:00

Q: What do u get when u put 32 rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Slight verses Substantial

2007-03-29T06:33:00.000-06:00

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?