Jerk Sandwich

Pudge and Swayback #5

2009-07-08T09:26:00.003-05:00

I got my small Wacom tablet yesterday, and this is my first webcomic working with it. So far I've just been getting used to it, so I haven't altered my technique too much. So far, I'm loving it. It's quicker and more accurate than doing the same work by mouse, and I definitely feel more comfortable going freehand. I recommend it to everyone interested in drawing or webcomics.

Pudge and Swayback #4

2009-07-06T01:31:00.003-05:00

Another Pudge and Swayback webcomic. Sometimes I think David Lo Pan should be in every movie. Of course what we really need are more "Big Trouble in Little China" movies.

Pudge and Swayback #3: The Case of Two Dogs, One Dookie Part II

2009-07-01T05:43:00.010-05:00

I love webcomics. Maybe putting clowns, Hitler, shit, and robots all on the same page isn't a great idea. But you can do it. And once it's done, there's no way to forget the image.

Pudge and Swayback #2: The Case of Two Dogs, One Dookie

2009-06-30T01:53:00.008-05:00

Webcomics are a tough gig. I'm still using Inkscape for tracing my scanned images. So far, I've been discarding the scans once they're traced, but I might try to leave them in next time to see what it looks like. Once everything is scanned, I start building layers and coloring with Gimp. Both of these programs are free, by the way. That's why I'm using them. I don't know how they stack up to Adobe Illustrator CS4 or Adobe Photoshop CS4. But I haven't felt too overwhelmed using, and any dissatisfaction I've had with the final product has been due to my own lacking, and not that of the software.

Hopefully, each new "Pudge and Swayback" and Original Newb will continue to show progress. I'm really enjoying doing them. I hope everyone enjoys reading them.

Pudge and Swayback #1

2009-06-28T13:34:00.006-05:00

This is the first of many webcomics loosely based on my two bulldogs.

Pontypool is Most Pleasing

2009-06-04T21:48:00.010-05:00

I had a good zombie movie-idea once. It wasn't really a story, more like a gimmick. Like with most zombie ideas, I hadn't come up with an explanation of why or how their were zombies. It's not really important and the unknown is always the most terrifying. What made my zombies different was that they would repeat whatever they would hear. There would be scenes where they would echo the screams of their victims, or mimick something they would hear on tv or radio while tearing into someone's flesh. And then there would be scenes where pockets of the living to communicate with one another by passing messages through the zombies.

Sadly, someone beat me to the punch. Kinda.

While the zombies of Pontypool aren't the living dead, they're still zombies much like they were in 28 Days Later: humans infected with some disease that makes them violent, cannibalistic, and contagious. It's those three qualities that I think make a zombie, and I think it can be applied in films you might not think, like Aliens. But that's for another post. What makes these zombies different than any zombies you've seen before, and so much like mine, they repeat what they hear. Their disease is one of language.

Pontypool is written Tony Burgess adapated from his novel Pontypool Changes Everything. At least I think the book came first, but Amazon.com and IMDB don't seem to be really clear. Anyway, Tony Burgess obviously stole my idea, because I had it at least three years ago, I was just too lazy to write it and pitch it myself.

That also means Tony Burgess must be psychic because I never told anyone my idea. He should be captured and vivisected for science.

So as I'm watching this movie, I'm not only watching it as a lover of horror/thriller films, but as someone with a vested interest in the idea. Obviously, this idea belongs to Tony Burgess, but if it turns out to be a bad one, then we're both not looking too good. Actually, I come out a bit better because I didn't produce it.

Well, I'm happy to say that an idea I had independtly of one being made into a novel and a film worked pretty damn well. Could I have actualized it as well as it was? Who knows, but at least as a film, I think it would have been tough for anyone to do better.

The film takes place in the town of Pontypool, a small town in eastern Canada. Veteran radio personality Grant Mazzy Stephen McHattiehas just taken a step-down in his career to start the morning shift at the local station, where their chopper reporter does his thing from a dodge dart parked ontop of a hill. It's the job of producer Sydney Briar (Lisa Houle) to tone down his take-no-prisoners show. And Laurel Ann (Georgina Reilly) is the local war hero that does the menial work of the news business.

Most of this film plays like the Orson Welles radio drame "War of the Worlds." Reports come in of riots, violence, and military personnel. None of which can be immediately verified. Tension grows and grows all in that radio studio in the basement of a church. We hear terror in the voice of the chopper reporter who is watching the events unfold; we hear the anxiousness and doubt in grizzled Grant Mazzy who doesn't know what he's gotten himself into; and we hear the distress in Sydney who is torn between airing these tragic, awful events and getting to the bottom of what's really going on. The first 45 minutes or so of the film could all have played with a black screen and the tension would not have suffered one bit.

Stephen McHattie does a terrific job as on-air personality Grant Mazzy. It's the type of part I could see someone like Lance Henriksen play. Durring someo of the movie I wished it had been Henriksen in the part, but I realized that it was only for the nostalgia of Henriksen and not because McHattie was deficient. He's solid and believable both on the air and off.

While I would liked to have had a little more to the character of Sydney Briar, I thought Lisa Houle did a good job showing her character as compassionate, but fierce defender of her town and it's peculiarities. And though Laurel Ann is the least prominent of the characters on screen, she seems to have the most depth. In some ways, this depth gives Sydney and Grant more to play off of. For instance, one of the more poignant moments of the film is when Grant realizes too late he forgot to give Laural Ann a card.

This is an independent Canadian film, so might not be showing anywhere near you. It was showing anywhere near us, but thankfuly our cable company had it on pay-per-view. And doubly thankful, my wife caught the trailer for this film a few days ago so I could see it. I will be reading the book at some point, because I imagine it will give a good indication from where Tony Burgess drew his inspiration. To be honest, I can't remember what gave me the idea, though I think the first inkling was the peculiarity of hordes of zombies singing "Hey Jude". I think Tony's idea was probably more literary, in the vein of William S. Burroughs, who first said "Language is a virus."

Horror and zombie afficianados owe it to themselves to see this film. It's another example of how less can be a way lot more. While I regret that I wasn't the one to bring this idea to the world, I'm happy to see someone else did. However, writer Tony Burgess and director Bruce McDonald show that it takes more than an idea to make a good movie, it takes talent. And once we have Tony's brains disected and neatly displayed for all to see, we'll have the rest of his ideas and his talent, too.

New Blog!!! www.originalnewb.com

2009-06-03T17:13:00.005-05:00

The number of World of Warcraft blog posts told me it was time to start a new blog up. I've never known exactly what I wanted Jerk Sandwich to be, but I know it's not a dedicated WoW blog. So check out Original Newb. I've moved a few of the posts I've already done over there, and have a new one up already.

The posts will cover my thoughts on the games I'm currently playing, especially MMOs. Right now that means World of Warcraft, but if I ever jump back into AoC or WaR, or when KotR launches you'll see some posts about them.

Jerk Sandwich will continue to be the bastion of toilet humor, yetis, and political ballyhoo it always has been. Enjoy both sites, please.

Arthas

2009-06-01T21:06:00.002-05:00

I just finished Reading World of Warcraft: Arthas: Rise of the Lich Kingby Christie Golden. It's a relatively short book that tells of Prince Arthas' corruption and rise to the Lich King.
*some spoilers after the break*

First off, I want to say that Christie Golden writes the most readable Warcraft novels. Her style is swift and to the point. She doesn't waste words with saccharin or purple prose. And while her plots, I would assume, are laid out for her. She makes an admirable attempt at seeing that they're credible. With Arthasshe continues in the same dependable way.

There are a few things that bugged me. Probably the biggest is thesize of print and spacing on the page. I put off buying this book for a while because it just didn't seem worth it. I expect a hardback, especially a $25 hardback to have a lot more meat that this one did. And I find it strange that a character as infamous as Arthas would have such little to be said of him. I could imagine that time was an issue of getting the book out for the WotLK expansion. And that's understandble, but if there was more material, maybe a trilogy should've been in the works. Either way, twenty-five dollars for this kind of story is a bit steep.

Another thing that makes the price tag seem too much is that aside from a few chapters about his childhood (which do little to tell us of the man he becomes) and a chapter at the end, most of this material is already known. We already know that he was the type of guy to slaughter a town full of people. We already know how be became the Lich King. What we want is the why. And frankly, a general feeling of inadequacy doesn't seem to be a very satisfying answer.

I could give you a short retelling of the story, but I'll boil it down to this. Much like Anakin Skywalker, Arthas will do whatever he has to save those he cares about. He is seduced by the dark side and becomes Darth Vader, I mean the Lich King.

Like Anakin, there are two major mistakes being made here with Arthas. The first is that no one really cares what this character is like as a boy. We like this kind of character when he's force choking someone to death, or stealing their soul with a big ass sword. If you can make a child version of that character just as cool, you've accomplished something neither George Lucas nor Christie Golden could.

The second mistake, also seen Anakin, is this idea that the vilest villain has some good little boy inside him. Why can't he be a creep? You know the kind that you heard about as a kid, that buries kittens up to their necks then runs them over with a lawnmower. From what we know of Arthas in Warcraft III, I don't see why he couldn't have had that kind of background.

But how do you make that kind of character the hero of a novel? Simple: you don't. Make his parents or a sibling the hero for having to put up with the sick little shit. Show from their perspective how this adored little boy is really the anti-christ and all he needs a suit of armor and a bad ass sword.

Just imagine the real turning point for Arthas when he lies in the snow with his crippled horse. Instead of weeping and vowing he'd never let anything like that happen again, he wonders how long it will take that horse to bleed out. Or how many other bones he could break before it would finally lose consciousness.

Sigh, so my biggest problem with the book isn't actually the book. The problem is that the book isn't the book I wanted it to be, and Arthas isn't the Arthas I wanted him to be. Not to mention, once he's the Lich King he then killed the only interesting part of him (not the little boy).

I have to wonder what this book might have been had Christie Golden more time to craft new material, enough to fill an actual book. But I imagine it still wouldn't have been the book I wanted to read. And Arthas would still have been a little boy who just wanted some affirmation from his father.

Leveling a Death Knight (again)

2009-06-01T09:01:00.004-05:00

I made a DK last night on Arthas, because my rogue was feeling a little lonely. I leveled a DK when the expansion lost, mostly to see their starting area. But I was hooked and leveled that sucker all the way to 80. It was my first 80, did quite a bit of naxx (as in went on a lot of naxx runs, our guild wasn't great at finishing them).

So why make a new one? Well, the DK has changed quite a bit, and I've leveled a few characters since I started playing mine. I abandoned my DK because at the time we needed healers so I switched to my druid. That's probably the worst thing I've done in the game, to be honest. Because I switched from a class and a role I really enjoyed to one I didn't enjoy so much. And instead of getting more healers, I saw DK after DK get invited to the guild. At one point we had 16 level 80 DKs.

Anyway, I could go back to my original DK, but I feel like I don't know the class as well as I did since the changes. And their are some aesthetic reasons. As much as I love undead, they're one of the worst looking classes in plate. I hate that it always looks like I'm wearing shorts. Which is too bad, because undead have the best laugh and the best dance (though the best cheer goes to belfs).

So I'm going Draenei for now. I've joined a raiding guild with my hunter, so that's my main. But I think if I get used to playing DK again, I might dust off the undead one.

Drag Me to Hell

2009-05-29T21:58:00.004-05:00

I don't know if Sam Raimi is the American Guillermo Del Toro, or if Guillermo Del Toro is the Spanish Sam Raimi. But either way, these two guys are great examples of imagination and fun let loose in the world of film. The interesting thing about both of them is that their imagination and fun often translates into terror on the screen. Sam Raimi's new film "Drag me to Hell" is certainly no different.

I mention Del Toro because he and Raimi have excelled at low budget, intimate horror/magic realism-type films. They've done so with imagery and techniques unique to themselves. And they each have a flair for story; the kind of story that takes the viewer on a journey, and isn't left behind in a pool of gore. Also they've been able to translate the qualities that have made them successes in smaller films to the epic big budget summer films.

"Drag me to Hell" is Sam Raimi's directorial return to the smaller films that gained him his notoriety and foot hold. Like the "Evil Dead" franchise this movie is full of projectile fluids (and organs), demons, and humor. But also like his more "serious" films "The Gift" and "Simple Plan," there is some depth and character work.

Very briefly, the film is about a young woman (played by Alison Lohman) who apparently hasn't seen "Thinner." She crosses an old gypsy woman (Lorna Raver) and to quote The Spleen, this was a "big mistake." With the aid of her supportive husband (Justin Long) and an Indian mystic (Dileep Rao) they attempt to thwart the evil demon that has been cursed upon her.

Sam Raimi's demon is, in my opinion, an example of a movie monster done right. It is at most a collection of terrorfying sounds, suggestive shadows, and violent telekinesis. Everything else is left up to the viewer's imagination. Don't get me wrong, there are some great movie monsters, but in general I know my imagination is always scarier than some cgi creature or rubber animatronic. Movies like "The Thing" and the first two "Alien" movies are notable exceptions.

One could say going the route Raimi has chosen with his demon is the safe bet. Show very little, and there's little to be disappointed about. But it's amazing how few directors go that route. There are so many horror movies ruined by crappy monsters. I think the entire slasher genre is guilty of this. The more I see of Freddy and Jason the less and less they become scary, and the more they become tongue-in-cheek gags (which is exactly where those franchises have gone, and for that I love "Jason X".) So I'm appreciative that he went this way, and even more so because it was successful. When his demon approaches, the sights and sounds are enough to put anyone in a panic. It reminds me a lot of "The Haunting" where the environment and it's disturbance is what's scary. This is a very aural movie. What we hear of the demon is just as frightening, if not more so than of what we see.

This is not to say that Raimi held back completely from gore or disturbing creatures. I think Lorna Ravers gypsy certainly qualifies as a movie monster, and a terrorfying one at that. And we see plenty of her. After seeing this film you will know that there are worse things in life than having your face chewed on by a woman with rotten dentures.

But this isn't just a scary movie. As the commercials have been telling everyone, this is a movie from the creator of "Evil Dead." Beyond giving the film credibility to "Spiderman" fans and horror fans, I think this is to make sure that we all know that this movie is supposedto be funny. Not that this is a comedy, but it is okay to laugh. And there are plenty of things to laugh at. My wife very accurately described this movie as a roller coaster ride. And though we might see that line used too much, that's exactly what it is. Thanks to some nice editing and a really fine score by Chris Young it's almost like you can hear and feel the roller coaster cart cranking up to the peak. You get that feeling in your gut as you get higher and higher, then it almost leaps out of your mouth as you reach that critical point and can't see anything but sky in front of you. Then BAM! You're falling (or so it feels) and falling. And when you're done falling, you're laughing and you see everyone else around you is laughing. This movie plays those peaks and valleys so very well.

Because one of the thrills of being on a roller coaster is sharing that experience with others, I highly suggest you see it in a theater. I think even if you didn't like the movie you'd get a kick out of the audience reaction.

For years people have been begging Sam Raimi to do another "Evil Dead" movie. And for years he's been toying with people about it, sometimes saying he will and sometimes not. I see IMDB has a listing for "Evil Dead IV" but I haven't heard much of whether or not that was going to be a reality. At one time there were rumours of a Freddy vs Jason vs Ash movie. So "Drag me to Hell" might be the closest thing we'll get to a new Ash movie for awhile. If that's the case, then I think fans will be to some extent satiated. However, I think that it's really going to make a lot of new fans hungry for more.

Fortunately, there are the "Evil Dead" movies to check out. But I'd also recommend Del Toro's work. While his movies do have elements of humor, his films generally tend to the more tragic. Nonetheless, they are great fun.

And if anyone knows Mike Mignola, maybe you can ask him to write Ash into a Hellboy comic, because those two are destined to be together.

The Discipline of Healing

2009-05-29T08:32:00.003-05:00

Last night I did a little bouncing around onn my characters. I spent some time in STV with my dwarf rogue and leveled him up to 42. The first 40 levels or so I went the typical combat spec route. Now I'm hemo spec. Partly because I was bored with combat, and partly because that rogue is on a pvp server. So far it hasn't really been that more interesting or efficient than combat, but it's served me well in a couple of pvp situations...

Not really. Everytime I'm come out of the shadows with a cheap shot, the hordie has just stood there until they died. Admittedly, I don't play on Arthas that much, so maybe there's some treaty I'm not aware of. The only pvp action I've seen has been situations like that, or getting destroyed by the same low-life rogue haunting STV's flight master. He had about twice my hp, so I'm guessing he's only in his low 60s.

But what's up with the rest of the horde? Just so we're clear, I'm generally not the type of ganker that waits until his prey is in battle with 2-3 mobs and at half health. I actually waited for this ret paladin to finish his kill, and get his mana back up. But he didn't fight back. Very disappointed. Maybe he won after all.

After waiting forever to get a group for Uldaman and being told my dps wouldn't be high enough for ZF (wtf is the world coming to where we gear check for lowbie instances), I jumped on my 64 priest on Earthen Ring.

One of the coolest things about this priest is that he's no 65, and he's barely done any of the Zangarmarsh quests, and he still has a few HFP quests left over. I think I'll be able to hit 68 just by finishing Zangar and then hitting Terrokar or Nagrand. Howling Fjord isn't too far off.

I spent the 1k gold on this character for duel spec and it's been worth it. I have duel spec on 4 characters and it's been worth it on all of them. While I'm still not all that jazzed about shadow, healing as discipline has definitely been interesting. Last night, after waiting about an hour for the instance server to let us in, we 4-manned Slave Pens. The group was made up of a DK tank, two ret pallies, and me healing. For most of the instance all I did was cast shield, with an occasional Pennance here and there, just because it's a cool looking spell.

In many ways discipline healing reminds me of druid healing. Power Word: Shield acts like a hot on a cd in many ways. So it's just a lot of waiting for damage spikes. Which is what I like. All through TBC I healed on my paladin and it was a constant spam fest. Paladin healing might be different now, but I wouldn't know because I refuse to do it ever again.

One of the things that bothered me with the changes to the druid in the last couple of patches was how nourish was practically being shoved down our throats. Lifebloom was being nerfed (kinda) and nourish was being buffed. Even though I don't have the T7 nourish bonus, I do like using it over regrowth (which had been my fill up heal). It's quick, and with 4 hots on a target, it hits pretty good. And now that it works with wild growth, it works pretty good in group healing situations.

At 65, I can see the similairities between discipline priest healing and resto druid. So why bother with the priest? Two reasons: the first is aesthetics. Most of my decisions in the game come down to how things look. Considering you have to look at your character for hours, I think it's important to enjoy how that character looks and how it plays. Resto druid has two things going against it. Obviously the Tree form is pretty ugly. Beyond not ever seeing the character and gear enhancement, unlike other players, it's just a crappy model. Not only is it a crappy model, but it's a crappy model players have been slaughtering since level 10. I don't want to look like a mob, especially one that butt ugly. The second thing going against the resto druid is that none of their spells really have much of a visual flair. The tree lifts his hands, and then the target is healed. Not impressed.

Priests on the other hand, have the benefit of cool looking gear you get to see all the time, and a couple of spell animations that are a lot of fun. Pennance just looks bad ass. It's channeled spells that sends swirling light at the target. And when it hits the target, it visibly shakes them. If I remember right prayer of mending has a nice effect, too. But haven't leveled enough to use it yet.

Those things might seem minor, but that's how I roll. I think as time goes on, and we play this game more and more, the reasons we play and how we play change. It's important to know what you like about the game, and not get caught in playing the game you liked yesterday, but playing the game you like today. And if there's no game you like playing today, then it's time to find a new game.

WoW Thoughts

2009-05-27T22:04:00.003-05:00

WoW.com (formally wowinsider) has posted two articles about the new druid forms found here and here. Like a lot of druids, I've been waiting for this for a long time. My first character was a nelf druid named Gritz, who is still languishing on Turalyon at the lowly level of 32. Of course, IMO, nelf druids have always had it pretty good because their cat forms and moonkin forms are far superior to the tauren forms. But I do have an 80 tauren druid who is at times my favorite class, and my least favorite. Part of that is due to forms.

I realize that shape-shifting is one of the signature moves of the druid, but years of looking at the same form (that looks terrible) for years tends to drive one crazy. So with these new forms, I'm happy to see them.

And disappointed. Why disappointed? Well, first they're only doing cat and bear. I'm a tree druid, and it is by far the ugliest. I remember when I first heard about ToL, I was expecting some akin to the big as ancient protectors by Darnasus. Sadly no, we got a dying sprig of broccoli. They said that they'll be coming out with forms for trees and laser chickens later, but I really have to wonder how long it takes to design new forms and animations.

As for the look of the new forms, right now my verdict is a big "meh". Yes, they look good. But not great, not 4 years great. But... I'm reserving judgment until I see the new animations.

That being said... I'm not really playing my druid much. Since I quit my guild I've taken a long break, and then kinda played around with my thousands of alts. I'm playing my 41 dwarf rogue on Arthas. I like dwarves. Wish we could somehow bring them to the horde. Rogue, warrior, priest, and mage are the only classes I haven't really leveled up, with my 72 mage being the highest. I enjoy playing the rogue, but wonder if dk makes them kinda obsolete. I stopped playing my shaman, because dk does melee so much better, and I used to think that enhance shaman was one of the most fun class/specs.

My priest is 64, and while discipline is an interesting way to heal, I've been underwhelmed by shadow. I had always heard such great things about it, but it seems so much like a weak lock.

I don't know that I'll ever level a warrior. Once again, what's the point? I have a druid, paladin, and dk. Can't see any real reason to level one.

That's it for now. Send gold to Eglstiltskin on Arthas.

Clandestine bathroom blog

2009-05-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

I'm fullfilling my last week of obligation to the government. During
this week it is my job to appear to be doing something, even though
everyone in the building knows I'm not doing anything. I feel like an
inflatable audience member they use at public events to make crowds
seem larger.

And just so you don't think I'm some lazy bum hiding out in the
bathroom: I AM taking a shit; and, I did volunteer to assasinate
someone. Anyone within the local area, anyway.

Time to wipe.

Sent from my iPhone

Star Trek for Everyone AKA Star Trek De-Nerded?

2009-05-13T22:58:00.007-05:00

I'm glad Hollywood has finally decided to make a “Star Trek movie for everyone.” Now they can get started on the “Bridewars movie for everyone” and the “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past movie for everyone.” Because now that I know that this Star Trek movie was made for everyone, I must assume that all the other movies Hollywood shits out are not for everyone, just the corpriphiliacs with disposable income and/or their degenerate children. Hell, I'd settle for a Transformers movie for: everyone that wants to see robots kicking the shit out of each other, and not standing around as set dressing for some douchebag playing patty-cake with the cheesecake.

Spoilers ahead...

This media hyperbole is code to tell the non-fans that it's ok to watch this movie, you won't be seenas a geek so long as everyone goes to see it together. This movie is following the same formula as Spider-man, Batman, and X-men: Assume the audience only has a passing familiarity with the subject; and trust the fan. By recreating a project with strict (and intelligent) attention to the source material you do three key things: first, you make it a welcome space for the newcomers. They aren't alienated by years of back story and geek snobbery. After the movie, they're as much of an expert about that movies universe as any geek, nerd, or morlock. Second, you make the fans happy. They want to see the work they know made into a movie. Not some perversion cobbled together by producers and hacks who are too stupid to realize the third key thing: the source material is good. It has value. It's worth doing. In nearly every case I can think of, where productions have stayed true to the source material, the final product has been a critical and financial success. When they haven't, it's been a disaster like nipples on the batsuit.

JJ Abrams has followed that game plan pretty well. Everyone has been told that this is a reboot, so no prior knowledge of the pop culture phenomenon is required. But the familiar characters we know and love will be there, though not the original actors (aside from one notable exception.) The fidelity to the original series is evidenced by consoles with analog switches and weird 1960s scifi sound effects. JJ even throws in a nubile green girl for Kirk to lay. These things aren't there for any particular reason but to appease the fans. And we do love it. What's shady is the way in which Abrams has chosen to reboot the franchise.

Interestingly enough, Abrams assumes that not only does the audience have basic knowledge of Star Trek and it's lore, but identifies them with the original cast. We then are asked to consider two realities: one of the original cast, and the other of this new cast. And to expalin where this extraneous reality comes from, we have what is basically the entire plot summarized to us via a Spock-to-new-Kirk mind-meld. This is where I get a tad annoyed.

Abrams had so little confidence in his audience or his movie, he constructed the entire plot of this film to explain to us simpletons why Kirk and Spock are being played by Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto instead of Shatner and Nimoy. And he has done this by two of the most hackneyed elements of Star Trek: mind meld and time travel.

(Someone really needs to let Spock know that when you mind meld with someone, you've mind melded with everyone that person has ever mind melded with, and everyone those people have ever mind melded with. If Starfleet officers are anything like sailors, then Spock has probably spread every debilitating, venereal brain disease known to every space port in the universe. When Devo sang about an “Itchy, Burning Brain” that's what they were talking about. Who in their right mind would mind-meld with Spock after he had that intimate moment with the pizza creature that jizzed silicon spheres?)

The cave/mind-meld scene is terrible for a couple of reasons. For now, let's ignore the improbability of Kirk and OG Spock being at the same place at the same time, the impossibility of Spock seeing Vulcan destroyed from the planet and galaxy he was at, and the implausibility that the Nero wouldn't want to keep Spock around after all the trouble he went through to get him. I've read that this entire ice planet is supposed to illustrate that the trek crew were destined to do what they've done no matter what plot contrivances any writer comes up with. I say, tell that to OG Kirk who died heroically falling off a catwalk.

OG Spock mind-melds with new Kirk to explain to the audience all the bad things that led up to a singularity being formed that bridged the old universe to the new. Nero goes through the singularity, kills Kirks father and voila, new Reality created. New Reality means new Kirk, new Kirk means new actor. The gimmick of the mind-meld/time travel plot device does a couple of things to undermine the movie.

First, the placement of this exposition really breaks up what had been a very well paced movie. This scene wasn't constructed like “Felllowship of the Ring” where the first half of the movie had been building up to a set of exposition, which was a fulcrum for the next two and a half movies. The cave scene should never have occurred at all, and Spock's exposition could have been placed at the beginning of the movie, followed by the actual start of the movie. This maintains the great pacing of the movie AND gives you the much needed introduction to Nero. I pretty much can't stand Eric Bana, but he got screwed as far his character goes. If your villain is going to be a space miner who his avenging the loss of his race and family, you might want to spend some time making his character compelling. Because angry space miner doesn't stack up too well with Kahn, Vader, or Sauron. Sadly, the miner from “My Bloody Valentine” was more compelling than Nero.

The greatest offense of the cave scene, and the only reason it is in the film, is to explain to the audience why new actors are playing these old roles. That might sound ridiculous. But by Spock explaining to us events in his reality, then that a second reality was created by those events, we are given meta information that nearly breaks the 4th wall. Up until the cave scene, we have accepted all that has transpired as characters and events unique to the film we're watching. We are then told that everything we've seen has been because of things that happened in some other movie we didn't come to watch. We would have been quite happy to go on watching the movie we were watching. But someone thought we needed to know why we're watching this movie, and not the other one.

This leads me to wonder, did Abrams have so little confidence in his film he felt he needed a gimmick to justify its existence? I can understand that to a certain extent. Star Trek has not faired well in the past decade, and taking such a radical approach to the series is a gamble. If this is the case, then the cave scene becomes a passing of the torch, ushering us all into the new Trek reality. Poorly executed, though.

Or, did Abrams have so little confidence in his audience, he thought he needed to expalin to everyone why we're seeing new actors in these roles, ant not Shatner, Nimoy, et al.. This was my first reaction. As if we're too stupid to realize Bones and Scotty are dead in real life, and everyone else is on life support. I hate that. Because just when it seemed like there were some people in Hollywood who understood that you didn't need to patronize the audience, this guy pulls this shit, and he does it with Star Trek. As Spock is telling us that an alternate reality was created, the one in which the new crew exist, it's as though the 4th wall is crumbling. This kind of meta information is so jarring they might as well have had Spock give a power point presentation. Spock is telling us that the entire plot of this movie exists to explain to the audience why we're watching a young Kirk and a young Spock; in essence, why we are watching Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto, and not Shatner and Nimoy.

One final thing, and in truth, I think this is the most important thing: the music. I really did like the movie, but overall the music was terribly forgettable. I can really only think of a handful of movie scores from the past few years that have been memorable: Life Aquatic, There Will Be Blood, and Dark Knight. I'm not a musician, or a music scholar, but I feel like an important element of film is getting short shrifted.

But to hear it happen in Star Trek, known for having great, memorable music, is terrible.

I don't know what's worse: that in the past 10 years or so of great comic book, fantasy and scifi adaptations, no composer has been able to create a memorable theme for these iconic characters; or, that there are people who really think that 200 years from now people will still be listening to the Beastie Boys.

When I think of great themes, I think of Star Wars, Superman, Indiana Jones, Jaws, Conan the Barbarian. These are great, epic compositions that match and enhance the characters they were created for. If "Anvil of Crom" doesn't make you want to chop heads off, I don't know what the hell will. I know Basil Poledouris is dead, but where the hell is John Williams? Because he seems to be the only mofo around that can write a good movie score. Hell, even Kenny Loggins wrote a few good theme songs. And if your theme music for our pop culture heroes isn't more stirring, more inspiring than a 1980s pop rock song for a groundhog, then you need to gtfo. You might as well be playing the Star Spnagled Banner with farts. GTFO Michael Giacchino.

And if the music of the Beastie Boys is still around 200 years from now then it means one of two things: Skynet has taken over, in which case Intergalactic would be the only song they'd be playing; or Tibet still has not be freed, because that's the only thing keeping Beastie Boys alive today. Seriously, if you're a punk kid rebelling against whatever the world's got, you're not going to be listening to Sabotage. That'd be like Billy Idol singing Camptown Races. If James T. Kirk is the rebel JJ Abrams wants us to believe he is, then he should be listening to Klingon Opera, or whatever pussy shit Romulans listen to.

It might not seem like it, but I did enjoy Star Trek. But where the movie went wrong seems inexplicable. I chose not to pick on all of the MacGuffins because there are always a ton of them anything in Star Trek, and they really shouldn't get in the way of enjoying a film. The performances by all the actors were right on, and evem Eric Bana did well with what he had to worth with. I don't know where I read it, but someone likened this movie to Batman Begins, and to a certain extent I agree. While I think we all wish for a smoother, more complete origin film suchas Spider-Man, I don't think we can complain about a Batman level entry. Especially if that means we get a Dark Knight quality sequel. Which is probably asking too much.

Wrath of Kahn is such a fine movie, it's hard for me to imagine any Trek movie better than that. And this is a little off topic, but as much as I loved Dark Knight (and it was the best picture last year, IMO), I can imagine a better Batman movie. Why? Because I've read a few Batman comics that were immensely better. And that's saying a lot. Both Dark Knight and Wrath of Kahn succeed as pinnacles of their genre, but they also are exceptional movies period. If anyone can point me to Trek material they think rivals WoK, I'd really like to take a look at it. I need something to tide me over until Star Trek II.

Summer Reading List and Trek Thoughts...

2009-05-11T15:09:00.003-05:00

Coming soon...

I saw Star Trek Friday and definitely have some thoughts about it. I did like it, but I have some qualms with the storytelling.

And I'm going to put together some sort of summer reading list. Made up mostly of books I have lying around that I want to read soon. Also, I have read 4 books now on my iphone, and I have to say, it rocks. I've never been able to read anything of length on a computer screen, but reading on the iphone has been easy. Amazon.com has released a free kindle app on the app store which is awesome, because they have more digital books and better prices than some of the other places I was using with stanza.

Anyway, more to come later.

Donnelly Dome:Yeti Attack Part IV

2009-04-29T20:46:00.006-05:00

The first thing to do in case of a Yeti attack is to run. If one is lucky, the Yeti will view this as prey behavior and attempt to eat you. Techniques for avoiding bear attacks chance a fate worse than death. Lying in the fetal position, playing dead, or even attempting to assert one's dominance only serve to excite the Yeti. They are sexually aroused by the passive, the weak, and the dead. Noted biologist Dr. Sven Shlurger has called the Yeti the ultimate "mating opportunist". Yetis have been observed copulating with fence posts, roadkill, farm equipment, and pastry shops.

Ironically, when the Yeti mates with a live subject, it mates for life. Yeti wives are as varied as the environment in which they live. Some believe the low Yeti population is due to their preference for squirrels as wives. However, it is believed that as humans continue to encroach upon their territory, their numbers will increase. Many a hunter or hiker, thought lost and dead from the elements, was forced into Yeti wifedom. The story of the Yeti wife is rarely heard, as they choose to live out the rest of their shameful lives in the solitude of hermitage.

What little we know of the Yetis and their masters, the Secret Chiefs, we owe to Pago Pago, the narcoleptic Samoan.

Going Merc in WoW

2009-04-20T18:27:00.004-05:00

I left my guild this morning in World of Warcraft. Good bunch of people, but not people I was really having a good time with. I had been with them since August. I probably should have left earlier, but I had this nagging sense of obligation.

It's funny how you can pay around $150 for a game and its expansions, and $15 a month to play it, all to have fun. Then do things that get in the way of having fun: like staying in a guild you don't really like, playing a class you don't much care for, and playing a spec you'd rather not.

Anyway, I'm out and on my own with no one to answer to. Feels kinda nice. Wonder how long it'll last.

Twitter

2009-04-18T16:38:00.000-05:00

I noticed recently that I haven't written a blog post in about a year.
A lot has happened since then: a new president, global financial melt
down, pirate attacks, etc. So to try and keep up a bit more with
what's going on, I've added a twitter widget on the left side of the
page.

Like pirate attacks, twitter has been going on for awhile. I like to
think of it as mass texting, or consensual spamming.

So follow along with your twitter app of choice, or from the blog.

Sent from my iPhone

Stop Pet Overpopulation

2008-05-05T09:27:00.005-05:00

With 80 million households having at least one pet it's shocking that 5-11 million cats and dogs are euthanized each year. These animals are killed because there just isn't enough room in shelters to house them all, and there aren't enough people willing to adopt them. Yet the pet business is booming and breeders, pet stores, and puppy mills continue to churn out animals. fortunately, there are some easy steps that can be taken to reduce the number of unwanted animals, and to provide better care for sheltered animals. All you have to do is be B.A.D.

B.A.D. is an acronym that stands for birth control, adoption and donation. By practicing these three things we can significantly reduce the stray population, reduce the number of animals being bred by pet factories, and improve the quality of life for those animals that are sheltered. Below are a few links to help you help these animals and communities in need.

If you're looking for a pure bred dog, there are several places to check besides breeders and pet stores. Thousands of pure bred dogs end up at the pound or rescue shelters.The American Kennel Club has a list of shelters that specialize in pure bred dogs here.

The Kansas Humane Society has a great website with pictures of some of the animals they have for adoption, but they also have a list of ways you can help support them. This link has information about donating time, money and resources. Did you know that you can donate your aluminum cans to the humane society?

Finally, there is Peta. I realize that for some, these people seem crazy. However, there is plenty of good information on this site, including alerts about local legislation that affects you as a pet owner.
I encourage you to investigate these sites, as well as to post others you find helpful.

And remember, we can all do a lot of good by doing a little B.A.D.

LeBron Kong?

2008-03-28T15:26:00.008-05:00

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

The parrot squawks, "From the cover of Vogue, they're everywhere."

A lot is being made of LeBron James on the cover of Vogue. He poses in mid-dribble, growling, and clinging to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen like... well, like she's a Brazilian supermodel. To some, it's racially insensitive. But why?

There are two claims that the cover is racially insensitive. The first charge is that it perpetuates the stereotype of the violent, angry, black man. The second charge is that the cover is overtly racist, portraying James as King Kong, or a gorilla, holding onto his captive white woman.

When dealing with perceptions, there really is no right or wrong. But it is useful to examine why people see what they do, and why it is different from what someone else sees. For instance, if looking at that picture, you see a black man posing as a gorilla, who is applying the stereotype? Does the photo have anything in it that a reasonable person would associate with primates? There are no bananas, no jungle in the background, and no swings hanging from the air. So what in your brain made you associate gorilla with LeBron James? Is that Vogue's racism at work? Leibovitz's? Lebron's? Or yours?

It reminds me of when Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. Some people were upset that a few of the aliens (non-humans)appeared to be stereotypes for Japanese and Jews. Mind you, these were aliens (non-humans) with bug eyes, wings, etc. So how could they represent stereotypes of human ethnic groups? "Well, that one sounds Jewish and he's greedy." So because it sounded the way some viewers percieved a Jew to sound, and acted in a way some viewers percieved a Jew to act, they saw a Jew. Nevermind that the movie took place in a time long, long ago and a place far, far away where there were no Jews.

But instead of recognizing their own racists perceptions, they blamed George Lucas for what they saw. George Lucas has done a lot to harm the world with those last three movies, but I don't think you can blame him for spreading racism or antisemitism across the galaxy. Nor can you blame Leibovitz, James, or Vogue for it. If looking at that cover you see a chest-pounding gorilla ready to rape-- and not one of our most gifted and competitive athletes holding onto a sexy woman, then maybe there is something wrong with your perception...

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

"From Africa," James says. "They're everywhere."

Are Florida and Michigan Red Herrings?

2008-03-27T16:33:00.005-05:00

The clamor for a re-vote in Florida and Michigan is growing increasingly loud as the Democrat's nomination continues without a clear winner. Talking heads shoot the word disenfranchise at one another and the smell of hyperbole is thick in the air. But is it all for naught? Do Florida and Michigan really matter? Or is this another example of how little faith the American political system has in the American people?

Florida and Michigan moved their primaries ahead of the schedule set by the Democratic National Committee so that they would play a larger role in selecting the nominee. Why should a state the size of New Hampshire have more weight than a Florida or Michigan? Technically New Hampshire, no matter how early it votes, represents the same number of delegates no matter what. Unfortunately, because state primaries are spread out over almost a year, the primaries are a sort of race. They're like the racing games at the arcade. You have to finish your lap in a certain amount of time to continue, if you don't make it in that time you have to put another quarter in to keep racing. But with the primaries, if you don't finish those first couple of laps in 1st, 2nd or 3rd people stop giving you quarters to finish the race. A candidate who stalls in the first couple of primaries, but would otherwise do well nationally, is left staring at a flashing "GAME OVER" with no quarters to be had. So in that sense, those early states like New Hampshire with 30 delegates do have more say than Michigan and its 156 delegates. They essentially get to pick who the rest of the country votes for.

Understandably, Florida and Michigan didn't like this setup, and probably more states than that. But they were the only ones to defy DNC rules and move up their primaries. Only now their delegates don't count. Whether they should count, have a re-vote, or split the delegates isn't really that important. The real question is will they make a difference? If you look at the numbers, it's easy to see that they won't. Neither candidate has a chance to gain enough delegates need to win the nomination. Because of party rules, this thing is already out of the hands of the voters. Florida and Michigan aren't the only ones being disenfranchised, the entire country is.

Because we have a political system with delegates, superdelegates, and an electoral college the vote of the common citizen means very little. Don't believe me? Ask Al Gore. Ask the next nominee of the Democrat Party. The next nominee might have the most votes, but believe me, that's not how he/she will be chosen. It could just as easily go the other way. How would they do it and remain "democratic"? Let's say Hillary wins the nomination without the most votes. She would have done so because the superdelegates all magically decided to vote for her, giving her the nomination. That's what those superdelegates are for, to ensure that the will of the party can override the will of the people.

That's not to say your vote doesn't count. It counts in the sense that the more a candidate has, the longer that candidate can stay in the race. But party elders are ultimately the ones who decide which candidate crosses the finish line first.

Keep Your Lead, China! I've Brought My Own

2008-03-26T12:54:00.016-05:00

China has been getting a lot of heat again, this time for its military reaction to the protests in Tibet. Tibetans have used the Beijing Olympics as a springboard for their campaign, not of independence, but to say "Hey, quit being such an asshole" in their nomadic-mountain-folk-Buddhist way. China knew this was going to happen.

The Olympics presented a golden opportunity for Tibetans to get some media attention after about a decade of neglect (where the hell did you go Beastie Boys?) Conversely, it gave China a chance to show that it wasn't so bad, it wasn't trying to breed Tibetan's out of existence by importing ethnic Chinese into the region. And so, to the concerns and criticisms leveled by the Tibetan protesters, China's released this carefully crafted response: "Fuck you!" Fuck you in the form of thousands of troops occupying Lhasa, hundreds of arrests, and many dead.

So they've got that going for them.

To be honest, I was afraid the Tibetans weren't going to get their five minutes. Before the protests, there was a lot of talk that this was going to be the Darfur Olympics. Everyone was going to protest and boycott the Beijing Olympics because China has been sucking oil out of a troubled region for the past eight years. Nevermind the people that have been killed, displaced, and oppressed for more than fifty years.

And nevermind China's other issues with human rights, pollution, and puppy murders. Recently China made the point to call America's human rights record into question. America has a terribly high prison population, among other things wrong with the country, but it doesn't negate China's record. Like the estimated 10,000 people executed each year (NYTIMES). I say estimated, because China doesn't really release those numbers, so it's up to different watchdog groups to figure out. I imagine it's easy to keep a low prison population when death is the punishment for most crimes. Can you imagine being executed for downloading an mp3? Some people should for the crap they listen to, but that's neither here nor there.

To add to the injustice, the executed's family are charged for the cost of the execution. On the face of it, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, particularly for a communist country. After all, the bullet isn't free. It's the People's Bullet. Why should the People have to pay for something to the benefit of the individual?

My questions is, can you bring your own bullet? I don't need anything fancy. There's no need to use uranium tipped, armor piercing, hollow point, gold jacketed .50 cal rounds. At the same time, I don't want a .22 bullet bouncing around in my skull, destroying as many brain functions as possible without killing me. Blow my head off with a plain-jane .45 and I'll be happy. Better yet, here's a steak knife from my kitchen drawer. Let me have an open casket funeral and reduce the financial burden on my family.

If China wants to improve its image and salvage a little dignity for the Olympics (while polluting the world, exploiting and oppressing millions, and executing thousands) the least it can do is kill people with their own cutlery.

In Times of Crisis, Thumbs Make Tasty and Nutritious Treat

2008-03-25T16:40:00.009-05:00

Stranded in the frozen wastes of North Dakota, on a frigid February morning, Michael Strenclaw thought his last days were here. At the tail end of a fourteen hour bread delivery trip, Michael's truck hit a patch of black iceand spun into a station wagon, killing the family of six inside. Michael's vehicle flew off the road and was engulfed in a snow drift. The snowy tomb prevented any doors from being opened, and obscured all signs of the vehicle. Lost, hypothermic, snow blind and starving Michael knew that his only hope of survival was to consume as much food as he could to generate body heat. But what do you do when your own body is the only food available?

"At first it was hard," Michael says. "But I just thought about those people dead on the street. I saw a kid in the front seat. He was probably 8. He'd probably taste ok." And with that image in his mind, Michael set out to save himself, by eating himself. Creating tiny tourniquets around his thumbs, Michael deadened all sensation to them by cutting off circulation. Every five minutes he would take a test nibble until finally there was no pain. But just because there was no pain, doesn't mean there was no flavor.

"Oh, my god! They were delicious!" Michael claims. "Seriously, I didn't have to put anyting on them at all. I just bit into them. At that point, because of the cold and lack of blood, they were pretty firm, so it was like biting into an apple. Only a meat apple." Three days later, rescuers discovered tracks leading to a large snow drift. There they found Michael on a bed of wonderbread loaves, chewing away on his right big toe.

How could Michael survive so long on so little flesh, and his own flesh at that? The thumbs are believed to be ultra-dense fat repositories. Despite their size, thumbs can contain up to 80% of a body's caloric reserve. This is why many diets and exercise plans fail, as thumb fat is the hardest to lose.

Even though Michael crippled himself to survive, he is thankful to be alive. He gives credit to the family he murdered on the road for saving his life. Had it not been for their mangled remains, he doubts he could have summoned the appetite to autocannibalize himself.

Lou Dobbs == Charlton Heston?

2008-03-24T18:26:00.009-05:00

In 2010 primates will learn sign language and be able to communicate intelligently with humans. This new ability to "speak" will shock the world, throwing their legal status and rights into limbo. In an attempt to avoid future lawsuits, hundreds of research labs across the country will release millions of animals into the workforce. Lou Dobbs will finally shut the hell up about Mexicans and worry about the real threat to the nation's economy: those damn dirty apes!

Butt bugs Got You Down?

2008-03-22T10:36:00.019-05:00

You can't see them. You can't hear them. But chances are, you know someone who has them. And the odds are good that you'll get them, too. Do you find yourself or a loved one uptight, quick to anger, overly critical, and/or argumentative? If so, sphincter mites could be the cause.

This year, three out of four people in the world will be diagnosed with sphincter mites, also know as butt bugs. Five out of six people in America will be diagnosed with them.

Sphincter mites are microscopic parasites that live and breed in the internal rectal wall of humans. It is unknown how they spread from one host to another, but it is believed that their eggs become airborne and ingested by the host. The eggs incubate while traveling through the host's intestinal system, and upon being excreted from the bowels, hatch, then crawl back into the host through the anus. Though the mites are parasitic, they are mostly benign to the host throughout their life cycle.

While living, growing and breeding, sphincter mites consume bacteria, nutrients, and spores from fecal matter. Because of this trait, scientists have nicknamed sphincter mites "nature's little chimney sweeps." In the early 1950s, the US government attempted to use this characture of sphincter mites to promote rectal hygiene in elementary schools. Unfortunately, at the time little was understood about the negative effects of the mite.

Complications due to sphincter mites arise as members within the colony begin to die inside the host. Anal plaque, once removed efficiently from the body by the mites, begins to build up and harden at an accelerated rate. Eventually, feces and dead mites impact the colon, causing physical and mental distress. Removal of the mites is costly, time consuming, and embarassing. However, most people with sphincter mites are completely unaware of their condition, and go years without treatment.

According to Dr. Heitnutts of the American Scatological Society, there are several common reactions to an outbreak of sphincter mites. During the initial infestation, as the mites begin to scrub the colon, one might feel a sense of euphoria, or what some describe as righteousness. This feeling is accompanied by a noticeable lack of odor in the stool and intestinal gas. Once the colony beings to die, the host's excretiont patterns become erratic and infrequent. The host will become insecure and hypercritical to everything in its environment. Finally, the colony will be dead, no doubt the colon impacted, and the host will have an irrational desire to shit on everything, particularly things other people enjoy.

Removal of a living sphincter mite colony is impractical, as an ongoing infestation is rarely diagnosed. As of yet, there are no treatments to kill eggs such as with worms and other parasites. Once one has progressed to the final stages of infestation analscopy is the only treament. Using fiber optic cameras and industrial grade forceps, a licensed proctologist has to find what crawled up there and died, and pull it out.