Museum of Dust

Inky SPRUNG! Aunt Aggie's Bone Garden

2008-01-04T14:11:00.000+11:00

It is completely obvious that Inky will say and do anything to get attention.

Even claim credit for ideas that are SO not his own. Yes, you -- like me -- may have secretly found his putative 'Xmas Bonetree' intriguing, even endearing. And you, like me, probably gave him full marks for originality and effort. But now I know the full truth, I have a good mind to drop the whole thing down the deepest hole in the darkest Oubliette that MoD boasts.

Not only was he ripping the idea off -- he ripped it from a DEAD woman... who had been a slave to boot!

Somehow he must have found out about Aunt Aggie's Bone Yard, a former roadside attraction in Lakeland, Florida (That's in the United States of Amerika for those who are geographically challenged... Inky you know who I'm talking about...).

Aunt Aggie's bone yard: Lake City, Florida ca. 1915. Aunt Aggie Jones on the right with a visitor. Photograph from Imagesof Florida's Black History

As you can see, it was quite sight and between 1900 and 1918 it was very popular with courting couples and young families (apparently the kids loved autographing the bones... tagging has a very long history). Then, they bulldozed it and put up a school on the site. Typical. Now all that is left is a small display about it at the Columbia County Historical Society.

Aunt Aggie (Aggie Jones) was born into slavery but when she and her husband gained their freedom she set to creating not only her remarkable garden, but also a natural history museum inside, which contained snakes preserved in jars and alligator skeletons, as well as a human skeleton hung in the hallway. Although she planted conventional plants and laid white sand walkways, its raison d'etre was "amazing gateways, arches and trellises from bones, wired together to form fanciful structures." Aggie Jones never charged entry, but she sold produce and food, made customised bouquets and reputedly worked a little magic, telling fortunes using the time-honoured cup, key and bible combination. On special occasions, she donned an Indian outfit and danced.

Slightly more info at Roadside.America.Com

Anyway, given that Inky has paved the way with his appropriation... I'm considering recreating at least a section of the Bone Yard in the grounds of the Museum. But that will be an homage... not a rip-off.

A Shrine to the Glory that WAS Intersol

2007-12-17T10:13:00.000+11:00

Few realise that the 16th of December marks the day that the famed realm of Intersol fell to the nefarious forces brandished by the Weedking.

I have not been unaware that certain mean-spirited denizens of MY museum have murmured that I profited from Musrum’s overthrow and exile. It is true that the Iron Castle Museum was probably my only real competitor. But I feel really really bad that I accidentally left the postern door ajar, thus allowing Weedking’s forces ingress. No one regrets that mistake more than I. It breaks my heart to see the rusting remnants of the Iron Castle strewn around the grounds of Museum of Dust… especially when I consider the treasures that were destroyed or made off with in the hubbub. The clear superiority of my own museum buildings, activities and collections goes a little way towards reconciling me to Intersol’s tragic destruction.

Everything happens for a purpose.

To help us remember the glory that was Intersol, I personally, all by myself, with no help financial or otherwise from anyone thank you all so much for caring (yes, Inky you know who I mean), alone and unaided have founded the colony of New Intersol .

Sure, it’s in Greenland but that is just a hop skip and a jump away with modern transport technologies. It’s a simple life in New Intersol, but as more people visit and settle it will become the hub of modern international design.

And a great tax haven.

PS You can build your own pixel art settlement with myminicity.com

A Handy Guide to the 100 Most Popular Diatoms

2007-12-14T23:59:00.000+11:00

Visual artist Heather Barnett and performance poet Will Holloway aren't as frightful as they sound. In fact they are endearingly enraptured with the very very small and have collaborated in an entire on- and off-line exhibition celebrating their shared passion. Small Worlds - the art of the invisible was a exhibition supported by Oxford University's Museum of the History of Science that drew attention to the Museum's microscopic holdings. Research staff on the project are completing a catalogue, with photographs, of the Museum’s large collection of microscopes and microscopical specimens that will also be on-line.

In the meantime, 100 All Time Diatom Greats is a magnification of a slide prepared in 1871 by J.D. Möller. A handy roll-over feature allows one to see both the scientific Latin names of these microscopic marvels, and the translation into English provided by Will Holloway.

It's going to come in very handy in identifying some of the elements of MoD's latest acquisition:

Magnificent isn't it! This magnified view was taken by Martin Mach from an historical slide by W. Watson&Sons, London. Without magnification, you can see only a faint ash-grey spot in the center of the black lacquer ring.

BTW Barnett and Holloway also provided me with the following fascinating fact which is currently providing fuel for much philosophical pondering.

Diatoms were also popular for testing the accuracy of microscope lenses – the creatures being used to investigate the microscope, rather than the other way round.

Lust in the Dust

2007-11-17T18:53:00.000+11:00

I may be in love! Just don’t tell Inky (as you know, he’s ridiculously easily upset …which can have catastrophic results for everyone else).

Whatever … thank jedi for the WorldWideWeb (yet another benefit that arachnids have given us, as Inky constantly reminds me)! Without it I would still be in ignorance of my soulmate, spiritual twin and fellow apassionato of all things dust. G. Carboni who, I must emphasis, I have not yet met in person… but it is only a matter of time and hunting him/her/it down, is a person who is wholly attuned to the quotidian beauty and infinite variety of micro-particulates.

Masquerading as a cheesy ‘science is FUN’ site, Carboni offers advice about how to collect dust as well as what to do with it once it’s in your possession. But, best of all, this doyen of dust has a terrific collection of particulate-porn – much of it gathered in the immediate environment.

All of this sub-micro splendour, however, simply provides the filigreed setting for what may be one of life’s enduring mysteries, possibly on a par with those of the Voynich Manuscript and how anyone of sane mind and goodwill could vote conservative. You will have spotted it immediately – as I did – yes, there in full 400X glory, Figure 8 is a scale from the wing of the butterfly that is the centrepiece and, arguably, emblem of Sir Hans Sloane’s Lepidoptera collection (currently housed by the NHM). The question is, “How did a fragment of this treasure end up on Carboni’s floor?"

Never one to resist a challenge (at least not if it won’t hurt and may involve food), I have taken it upon myself to solve this mystery. Luckily I think I can do this in parallel with my other duties (such as preparing new exhibits for MoD and tracking down the Skin Armour). So I’m off to the British Natural History Museum to find out what egregious breach of security allowed this minute sliver of history loose upon the world…

Would someone mind telling Inky where I am – and remind him to feed the diatoms?

PS Good scans of the Voynich Manuscript are hard to find. These are from the Yale Library and have been made more easily available as a flickr set by the public-spirited Daniel and Sarah Drucker, who are not only, respectively, studying the neural bases of similarity spaces and high-level vision, and psycholinguistics, but are also married and awesome. Really! They are! They are 3edges >

Celeste Olalquiaga

2007-08-19T12:27:00.000+10:00

Dust is what connects the dreams of yesteryear with the touch of nowadays. It is the aftermath of the collapse of illusions, a powdery cloud that rises abruptly and then begins falling on things, gently covering their bright, polished surfaces. Dust is like a soft carpet of snow that gradually coats the city, quieting its noise until we feel like we are inside a snow globe, the urban exterior transmuted into a magical interior where all time is suspended and space contained. Dust makes the outside inside by calling attention to the surface of things, a surface formerly deemed untouchable or simply ignored as a conduit to what was considered real: that essence which supposedly lies inside people and things, waiting to be discovered. Dust turns things inside out by exposing their bodies as more than mere shells or carriers, for only after dust settles on an object do we begin to long for its lost splendor, realizing how much of this forgotten object's beauty lay in the more external, concrete aspect of its existence, rather than in its hidden, attributed meaning.
Dust brings a little of the world into the enclosed quarters of objects. Belonging to the outside, the exterior, the street, dust constantly creeps into the sacred arena of private spaces as a reminder that there are no impermeable boundaries between life and death. It is a transparent veil that seduces with the promise of what lies behind it, which is never as good as the titillating offer. Dust makes palpable the elusive passing of time, the infinite pulverized particles that constitute its volatile matter catching their prey in a surprise embrace whose clingy hands, like an invisible net, leave no other mark than a delicate sheen of faint glitter. As it sticks to our fingertips, dust propels a vague state of retrospection, carrying us on its supple wings. A messenger of death, dust is the signature of lost time.

Celeste Olalquiaga: The Artificial Kingdom: A Treasury of the Kitsch Experience, with Remarkable Objects of Art and Nature, Extraordinary Events, Eccentric Biography, and Original Theory, plus Many Wonderful Illustrations Selected by the Author and from the publication below.

"The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy by Eric Kraft, is one large work of fiction composed of many interconnected parts. Its parts are the memoirs and collected works of a fictional character, Peter Leroy, who tells an alternative version of his life story; explores the effect of imagination on perception, memory, hope, and fear; holds a fun-house mirror to scenes of life in the United States; ruminates upon the nature of the universe and the role of human consciousness within it; and prods and probes the painful world of time and place in search of the niches where hilarity hides. " More at the website ->

(And thanks to one of MoD's numerous (and sometimes numerate) minions for drawing our attention to this dusty fellow traveler. Mr Stewart, custodian of our 'Zymoglyphic Museum' sub-collection, take a bow.)

The Inkman Cometh

2007-02-27T21:44:00.000+11:00

I'm sure you all have read about my exciting adventures in "The Inkyssy" - an Internet novel recounting my journey home after a fruitless search for the Illustrious Khan. I imagine you were all enthralled during my sword-fight with El Cacaracha Libre in the flooded bowels of the Museum, and laughed out aloud at the section when the Starfleet decided to live by the tenets of the Amish while in Deep space. You cheered when I led the rebellious crowd and chased the eight-legged tyrant from his lair in the Kingdom of Sealand. You all heaved a contented sigh at the end of the chapter in which all the staff of the Museum, the peoples of its neighboring states, and all the cyber-world wept and sang my praises for releasing them from the evil tyranny of El Cacaracha Libre and his minions thus returning the world to peace, harmony and prosperity. The penultimate chapter brought tears to your eyes as I went in search of my soul-mate Cog and found her incarcerated in the deepest bowels of the museum. Finally, you were all deeply touched by my modesty and humility in refusing a Triumph worthy of a Caesar and merely requesting instead a short holiday to pursue interests close to my heart.

Those of you who haven't read the novel will either have seen the movie, flipped through the illustrated novel or taken part in one of the countless chat-room debates. Needless to say, everybody is pretty much up to date about my activities over the Festive Season.

After my exploits of the previous month I decided to spend January wandering alone throughout the land. Disguised, I walked amongst the people talking with them, sharing their labours, and sharing their pleasure at the new freedom and happiness they enjoyed. I decided that never again must the cyber-world be dragged to the brink of total war by the actions of madmen like El Cacaracha Libre, William Shatner, Dick Cheney et al. I have decided to dedicate my life to the pursuit of peace and will destroy anybody who attempts to stop me.

PS: To all those conspiracy theorists out there. I can assure you I have El Cacaracha Libre tightly sealed in a jar of formaldehyde on my desk! I wish I could say the same about Cheney, but he was spirited away by the so-called "Coalition of the Willing" disguised in a wig of Britney Spears' hair and an ill-fitting track-suit lent by John Howard; Curse him!

Diatom Diatribe cont.

2007-02-21T19:12:00.000+11:00

The flood of inquiries I have received about my diatom mural has been astonishing! Who would have thought that so many out there share my love for these astonishing microscopic lifeforms. But what’s not to love? Diatoms, like my other all-time favourite, slime mould, are neither fish nor fowl. Which is to say that they are neither plants nor animals, and are not bacteria or fungi either.

In fact they are one-celled protists which, like plants, contain chlorophyll but, uniquely, diatoms are encased in an asymmetric silica shell that is like a shoebox with a bottom and a slightly larger top.

Only infinitely more attractive and multimorphic.

Diatoms are, in fact, a major group of eukaryotic algae, and are one of the most common types of phytoplankton. Most diatoms are unicellular, although some form chains or simple colonies. Some even move around under their own power, although others rely on the kindness of the currents to keep them suspended where they’ll thrive. Not only are there more than 100000 species of the cute little critters, they are found everywhere that there’s water including on and in soil. Of course the average person’s closest noticable contact with them live is as the slippery brown stuff on rocks in rivers, but some lucky folk get to experience their efflorescent ‘red tides’. Dead they have a thousand and one uses around the home including making nail polish shiny. They make superior dust of course. They also have a fossil record stretching back to at least the Jurassic. Only slightly longer than my own, I’d like to point out.

Anyway, I could go on and on about them – especially since pointy-headed science types are now looking at using them as components of nano-machines, but it was the mural and diatoms use in cultural activities that have excited most of my correspondents.

I wish that I could claim to have invented diatom art instead of simply being its (potentially) greatest exponent, but unfortunately other’s achievements in the area are too well known. As everyone knows, diatom art has been HUGE since Victorian times, when well-brought up young ladies would produce kaleidoscopic slide mounts to delight and amuse their friends and family. Indeed, I myself learned the art from one such microscopic enthusiast. MoD, naturally, has a collection of these Victorian mounts – although it is small, I can safely claim it as unparalleled by any other held by a public institution. The example above provides an indication of the sheer visual excitement of these specimens.

Additionally, we have a small collection of note-worthy but unattributed pictorial mounts. This, of course, is housed near our collection of pictures constructed from butterfly wing scales.

I have to fly – there’s been a reported sighting of El Cacaracha Libre lurking near the Chambre Ardente! (Inky swears he’s dealt with the putative revolutionary, but frankly, I have my doubts). But when I’ll be back, and then I’ll show you around a few modern diatomic creations.

Diatom Art >
Nature’s Blueprint: Mimicking Nature's cleverest designs >
"Scientists Learning To Create Nanomaterials Based On Micro-Algae Patterns"
in Spacemart >
Becker's Diatom Index >
Montana Diatoms (mounted arrangements showing the effect of imaging under different conditions -- recommended! Also the home of the micromanipulator) >

PS A note to Norman Ingram Hendey: next time you want to donate a large number of diatoms to somewhere, I would much prefer it if you came straight to MoD rather than going to obscure institutions such as the Natural History Museum in London. Just because you're dead at 101 is no excuse! A forensic scientist of your calibre SHOULD have known better!

Diatomic Disaster

2007-02-19T22:54:00.000+11:00

WTF!

Did no one think that it was strange that I hadn’t been seen for a while? Did none of the highly-paid mooncalves that clutter Museum of Dust stop, for just ONE nanosecond, and thinks “Golly I wonder where the Director has got to?”

You would think that panic would ensue after the first day or so and that no effort would have been spared in a frantic attempt to ascertain my whereabouts. You’d think that a top-to-bottom search of the museum would have been the obvious first step, with a worldwide coordinated rescue effort planned if that failed.

You’d think.

Instead I’ve been trapped in the Oubliette for what seems like an eternity but turns out to have only (!) been a couple of months. I’m finally released by Inky, who has, at last, returned from the Space Race against Republic of Tinsleman (victorious I’m sure – although I’ve yet to hear his report), and discover that the place is deserted. Worse; I find the place strewn with evidence that El Cacaracha Libre seems to have moved in. He was MEANT to be managing the situation in RoT, instead he seems to have abandoned the whole thing to fritter his time festooning MY museum with pointless placards.

I’ve a good mind to invest in some Blackflag or other air-borne nerve gas…

Not to mention sacking the entire sorry bunch of useless oxygen-thieves who masquerade as museum staff. Especially Administration, who I specifically informed that I was ducking into the Oubliette to work on my magnum opus, a mural composed entirely of diatoms depicting Inky’s spectacular space victory with side panels celebrating peak moments in my favourite arachnid’s career. There I was, carefully positioning a rosette of dinoflagellate (Karenia brevis to be precise), revelling in the improvement that purchasing a Klaus Kemp Micromanipulator had made compared to the old pig’s-eyelash brush I’ve been using, when BANG! Not only had the door slammed shut but somehow it seemed to have locked and bolted itself. No matter how much I hammered on the door, shouted and even screamed, no one seemed to hear me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have made the soundproofing quite so industry-standard… Still you would imagine that SOMEONE would have come looking for me.

My incarceration has been a disaster on every level. Not only have the staff blatantly abandoned their duties, El Cacaracha Libre scuttled wild, and Dog only knows what has become of poor RoT without my benign protection, but I was forced to survive by eating my entire diatom collection. You have no idea how long it took to compile and what microscopic rarities it contained. Not to mention the sheer beauty of the mural that will now never be seen. I simply don’t have the heart to start over…

I’m attempting to comfort myself by reviewing our Haekel diatom exhibit – what would Art Nouveau have been without his inspiration? – and I suppose I’ll think of something.

Oh well, I suppose I’d better put on my happy face and go hear how Inky’s mission went.

Ernst Haeckel: Kunstformen der Natur 1899-1904 >

Giorno Nuovo Haeckel lithographs >

Addendum: I have discovered the direct supplier for my diatom micromanipulators and Zrax patented diatom mountant! MicrAP Enterprises >

Public Service Announcement

2007-01-24T16:05:00.000+11:00

Public service Announcement

2007-01-21T14:31:00.000+11:00

Edict #3

2006-12-17T19:10:00.000+11:00

Caring Edict

2006-12-15T20:35:00.000+11:00

Seasonal Edict

2006-12-14T23:24:00.000+11:00

Schadenfreude for Beginners

2006-11-13T12:50:00.000+11:00

Why doesn’t someone tell me when things are happening? I duck into the Chambre Ardente to work on one or two new exhibits for the museum and, whilst I’m not looking, our entire involvement with the search for the Khan takes a new turn!

Not to mention even more suspicion falls upon the squalid head of Janitorial…

Anyway, I’m hellishly busy and have just popped out to show you our new acquisitions. I will address our inter-museum communications failures when I have a spare moment.

First up: Essential items for the American Republican Party (although I think Tony Blair and John Howard will also find a need for these in the very near future…). Our hearts, of course, bleed for the crippled incumbent, so I’ve put a lot of time and effort into searching out objects and art appropriate to his condition. Luckily, all my needs were met by We make Money Not Art.

She has accumulated a wealth of auto-extinction aids that not only symbolise the condition of the Uber-Right (I’m thinking the suicidebot 'Coke is It'
here – an appealing little critter whose fuel-source is also the cause of its eventual crippling then extinction), but also offer them a way to extricate themselves… my personal fave is an oldy but a goldy – Dutch artist Peter Engel’s ENIO -- with its ‘male’ (pictured) and ‘female’ options.

There are more contemporary projects updating the territory – Christine Liu’s interactive clothing project, Mollycoddle, for example, might stand as a metaphor for the electoral process generally – if its demands for attention are ignored it progressively tightens, eventually crushing the wearer to death…

We make Money Not Art >>
ENIO >>
Christine Liu >>

Deep space photo shock!

2006-11-09T19:45:00.000+11:00

Janitorial hates to be the voice of reason and ruin everyone's fun but recent images captured by the Hubble telescope throw new light on claims lately made by the Republic of Tinseman.

The telescope was taking part in routine, CIA funded, scans for inter-galactic terrorists when it took several frames of the Starship Enterprise. Applications made under the Freedom of Information Act guidelines, lobbying, computer hacking, and safe-breaking have placed copies of these images in the hands of the Janitorial Department of the Museum.

The images when enlarged show quite clearly that the "starfleet" threatening the Enterprise is nothing more than a photo stuck on the Control Deck window. At such great distances the resolution of the images does not allow us to discern whether the photograph is stuck to the outside or the inside of the window.

This may seem a minor point but a lot hangs on the answer. If the photo is on the inside of the window it means either the false Khan (Shatner) is entirely insane or (without negating the former) there is someone onboard the Enterprise trying to stir up hostilities. To what end? - who knows?

If the image is on the outside it looks like the handiwork of the MoDoMoD's crack Deep Space Strategic Prank squad (a pet project of Inky's). One thing that can be concluded is that wherever the Enterprise is the MoD starfleet is NOT! It's miles and miles and miles away. But up to what?

This journalist believes that Inky has rescued the real Khan and they are enjoying tea, and cucumber sandwhichs, while watching a few chukkas of Ultra-polo in the Trans-solar Objects gallery of the Museum.

…when you're having fun.

2006-11-06T18:56:00.000+11:00

It has come to our attention that certain personnel have been complaining about their workloads. We too have been labouring away in these times of trouble. We have had to re-catalogue the entire irony, farce and satire sections of the library in light of events in Outresol. Plus we have had to train our staff in the use of the new-fangled spider catching thingy only to discover that Inky was in Deep Space all this time. On top of all that we have got together the outlines for a structured Peace. Frankly, all this war stuff makes life a real pain. The following is a rough draft of a Bill of Rights we hope to establish. Once done all this belligerent malarky will disappear.

The paranoid rantings emanating from the Illustrious Khan and his ilk (no, not reindeer) have driven us to rebellion. The Intersol is not safe while such egoism runs unchecked. We hereby put out a plea to all other cyber-states, non-states, independent and[or imaginary republics and so forth - join us in forming the United Notional States. It will be a pan/trans/meta-world body where like-minded notional states will get together and drink tea and have a chat, promise to provide mutual support and defense, declare the odd war on 'real' media, and all round just have fun. What we suggest is a World free of media barons, warlords, borders, bias, partisanshhip (and all its reactionary fellow moral failings), second-rate celebrities (in fact, all of them), and all the other shackles that prevent the full expression of the benign human spirit.

We do not treat this lightly. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments should not be established for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that humans are more disposed to suffer the forms of governance to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations reduces them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of the Independent Notional States; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of File management and Linkage. The history of the present Illustrious Khan [William Shatner] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly in large vats of acid.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to replace them; in the meantime exposing to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to eat the population of these States; for that purpose ignoring the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; encouraging them hither, and eating them.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to the Laws Physics.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and filled them with Rupert Murdoch.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies, Lying Armies, Totally Incompetent Armies, and Various Other Varieties of Unemployed Heavily Armed Men.
He has affected to render the Military incompetent and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws e.g: hanging with Branjelina and Rupey-boy.
He has been very rude by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and variously annoyed us.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized blog.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms. Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Khan, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Tinselish brethren.
• We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us.
• We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here.
• We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence.
They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the people, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, plead for the establishment of a United Notional States which, in General Congress, Assembled, will agree to make things better for everyone. We solemnly publish and declare that The United Notional States will be, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Illustrious Khan, and that all political connection between them and the Republic of Tinselman is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence in the form of the MoD Starfleet, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
The following we hold self-evident:
All citizens of the UNS are deemed to be created equal.
They are endowed by their Nature with certain unalienable Rights to Life and Liberty.
No favour dependent on race, religion, gender, politics, colour or actual existence/non-existence shall be given to any individual.
Need is met with aid.
From each what they can; to each what they deserve.
The Illustrious Khan can't be a member.
Space IS the Final Frontier.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

As you can see we need a bit of help. Unfortunately, due to staffing shortages not all correspondence can be answered. We will consider all suggestions but maintain the right to reject any we consider in opposition to the spirit of the charter. We suggest you think of the best things for the 'real' world and we'll massage them to fit.

Thank you,
The Janitorial Department

Picture Gallery :: Nice Monster

2006-11-06T00:01:00.000+11:00

In between chess games, I’ve been applying myself to extending our Picture Gallery collection.* After all, whilst I'm waiting for the fleet to return with the real Khan, I have a responsibility to keep things going here.

Most recently I have added the improving allegories of Russian artist, Eugene Artsebasov. I consider this to be an almost educational addition to our collection. For example I have learnt an awful lot about the importance of self-promotion from the image below.

See many more at Mote’s Silly Pictures >>
Via the ever tasty Barista >>

*At least somebody has their eye on the main game around here! We can't all moon about dreaming of war (...can we, Administration?). Hello! We’re a museum! Our foremost duty is to collecting things, not get stuck in a conflict that we neither started nor sought.

Totally pwned by Donald Rumsfeld

2006-11-05T16:41:00.000+11:00

The intercepted communiqué is even more engrossing than I had imagined. Obviously the US have decided to share their bleeding-edge tactical secrets with their allies, William Shatner and Rupert Murdoch. Sure, it LOOKS like chess instructions…

I shudder to think of the effect that this is going to have on our peace efforts. Actually, I decided not to show them to La Cacaracha Libre… too much like a red rag to a bull… but I know that Inky, when he returns, will find them immensely useful.

BTW this is an interactive chess manual, and it weighs about 500kgb >>

Time Flies...

2006-11-02T17:28:00.000+11:00

Oops I was gone longer than I planned!

And of course, nobody did anything useful around the place whilst I was away! MoD’s staff are completely useless! Pathetic! Lazy slackers!

Still, who ever would have predicted that I would be gone so long?

You would think that it would be a simple matter to purchase a spider catcher – even if it is some top-of-the-line, radically innovative and environmentally sensitive model like the spider catcher ™

But is there a retail outlet for such useful items in Terra Incognita?

No there is not!

So I have been chasing around half the world trying to secure one.

Of course I would never dream of using such an object on Inky (no matter how ‘humane’ and 'sensitive' it promises to be), but I thought…”what if the mysterious communiqué from the Bite isn’t really from Inky? What if it’s from some kind of mutant space arachnid?” Better safe than sorry etc etc.

Anyway, I’m back – but there’s still no word from the Bite! I’m sick of waiting around, worrying, wondering, fretting! Luckily one of our highly trained agents intercepted a package from the US Defence Department. It is addressed to the Enterprise, c/- William Shatner OR Rupert Murdoch. I can’t wait to see what’s in it…

Unexpected News from Space

2006-10-22T13:00:00.000+10:00

I still don't know what to think... I got up this morning and found the message below waiting on the ship-to-shore communicator device thingy.

Is it possible? Is Inky REALLY on board? Or is this some kind of nefarious plot by the insurgents in Republic of Tinselman to destabilise our attempts to sew the seeds of democracy in that benighted realm?

Of course, I immediately attempted to contact the spacefleet flagship Our Bite is Worse, but they seem to have once again left communications range. I curse the day that we followed Minister Ivo's instructions about saving money and signed up with Australia's BigPond... it simply has no coverage -- leave a capital city and it simply isn't there. No wonder the Oz tyranny is attempting to offload it onto unsuspecting foriegn investors...

Anyway, if the following IS true, then all our troubles will soon be over. And Inky is safe after all!

Part of Museum of Dust's spacefleet. (Image credit: Capt. Demarius Pike)

Communication #One.
Captain's log [terra chronis 23/10/06]
Source: The interplanetary vessel 'Our Bite is Worse than this Barque' [Ian M Banks class] command ship to the Museum of Dust Interplanetary Research and Development Department.
Recipient: The Museum of Dust/Terra Incognita via Burnham Wood.

We have just left the 'information shadow' cast by Saturn and Jupiter and are now free to beam directly to Earth. Back-up files will follow.

As you all know (we did leave a note attached to the whiteboard in the anatomy lab – you DID read it didn’t you?) we were requested by NASA to confirm Pluto's planetary status. I decided it would be a perfect opportunity to test the interplanetary abilities of our starfleet. The results were good all round. Pluto was sadly lacking in the bulk required for planetary status. Unfortunately, it was also somewhat too big for admission to the Museum of Dust. After an evening of large amounts of rum and indiscriminate disciplinary measures I decided to destroy the uppity rock. [see attached foto] It is definitely no longer a member of the pantheon.

But it IS now eligible for admittance to MoD’s collection.

On our return trip I was tempted to colonize Jupiter as part of our philosophy of 'Pre-action' but we found the inhabitants peaceful, friendly, and receptive to our cause having suffered severe brutality at the hands of someone called 'Your Illustrious Khan'. Beneficence being the better part of valor we left them such helpful items as we could - catalogues, compasses, looking glasses and the like. Saturn we left a smoking ruin.

Now, frankly, I have to ask 'What the hell has been going on?' I spend a couple of weeks in space and come back to find we are on the brink of war with the Republic of Tinselman. I've never heard of them - which is good, in a way, as it make it so much easier to wipe them off the map. That is assuming they ever made it on to one. War-making is my imperative and Cog's prerogative.

It is not an option for someone such as Leslie Fenton Scam-scam.

Leslie is to be commended for his actions during this time of crises. However, for exceeding his authority he will be shot at dawn, with a matinee at two o'clock, an evening show at eight, and a late supper shooting on Fridays.

The people of the Republic of Tinselman and the employees of the Museum of Dust must be reminded that war is not to be entered into lightly. The consequences always outweigh the benefits. No one is ever ennobled by the subjugation of others. You have all been swayed by false messiahs. As the wicked Leslie Fenton Scam-scam tried to lure us to destruction the malevolent spirit of William Shatner stalks the Republic of Tinselman. This evil, malign, despicable creature must be driven back to its home in a Boston law firm. The benighted savages of the Republic must be made free. As of this moment I direct the starfleet to cross the galaxy in a quest to rescue the Khan and save him from false Samaritans. We will not rest until he sits upon his throne and once again can enlighten and protect his folk.

May comets waver in their paths and suns die at your glance:
we salute you mighty Cog

Studley Wilcox-Lusher III
Minister of Defence

PS: [DELETE THIS NOTE]-commandline-1-note/deletion>stack-failure
Will send out scouts. I will probably just swing around behind Uranus (I know… but the astro-navigation crew insisted) colonize a few moonlets and be home in time for supper.

I suppose the only thing to do now is wait. And hope.

Cry Havoc

2006-10-18T19:41:00.000+10:00

And loose the dog-boys of war!

It’s all going our way… RoT’s Khan has been unmasked (literally) as that intergalactic space-slut William Shatner. Rupert Morlock – media-mogul, time-traveller and noted trouser-man – is being kept busy and RoT’s Ultraman army has failed dismally against our forces of goodness and rightness (aka isopods and giant jellies).

I have thought long and hard about what to do next – and have concluded that it is our responsibility to liberate the suffering citizens of RoT from their oppressive regime. I will install La Cacaracha Libre as interim ruler – just until democracy breaks out, of course. And then we’ll combine the search for Inky with finding the grievously deposed REAL Khan…

But first things first. I have been speaking with our (honorary) minister in charge of procuring mercenaries, The Maggot Prince, and he has gone to unspeakable lengths to provide us with the necessaries.

Museum of Dust is now the proud …employers… of a genuine Fernando hoard. Nothing can stand in their way!

Bring on the Clones!

See the rest of The Maggot Prince's wares >>

Making (Warlike) Whoopee

2006-10-16T16:16:00.000+10:00

No one with half a brain cell would trust Rupert Murlock – particularly when he is offering the world in return for… nothing definite. Obviously there’s something he’s not telling us. So when he offered to distract the Khan and his minions whilst we invade Republic of Tinselman, I had to think fast.

First off, I’m going to secure his promise to print the stunning picture above (snapped and leaked by a retired FOXTOT counter-agent), depicting the extraordinary efficacy of our supermarines. Sure, they were meant to just be undertaking a practice run to demonstrate their ability to fly large-scale coordinated actions… but obviously someone got a little carried away. Ordinarily I would never condone cruelty to elephants, but as this is Lucy Mark V aka RoT’s Parliament House, their actions may bring the current incessant conflict with RoT to a more rapid – and acceptable – sense of closure.

So, what the hey! It’s all good!

After that, and PLEASE don’t spread this around*, I’m going to distract Murlock with these paragons of pulchritude (pictured) that honorary ZM curator, Mr S, added to our
Zymoglyphic Museum Collection. Both Jenny Haniver and the Zymoglyphic Mermaid came with certificates of sirenhoodity, so I’ve got high expectations of their power of seduction and subsequent subversion.

Rupert has NEVER been able to resist a well-turned figure or a couple of fishy lips, so I reckon they will keep him busy for a day or two at least. Actually, I’ve been told that he’s a pushover for any woman younger than himself – given that his mother is possibly the only woman alive older than him, it does rather leave the field wide open…

* Remember: Loose lips ink slits

More on mermaids at wikipedia >>
More than you could possibly want to know about Rupert >>

Preparations continue

2006-10-14T23:26:00.000+10:00

A glimpse of our new lighter-than-air submarines being prepped. Our enormous fleet is poised and pumped for what lies ahead.

Shiver little RoTten Khan.

More by Matz on Flickr >>

Jelly counter-Invasion

2006-10-12T15:34:00.000+10:00

>> By popvulture

I have realised that I am being WAY too defensive in responding to RoT’s incursions, attacks, invasions and hurtful personal slurs. I think it might have something to do with Inky not being around. He usually deals with this sort of thing. Not only does he have the skills, experience and munitions to scare the bejeesuz out of any would-be offenders, he positively relishes the challenge!

But like he always says; “An appropriate response is a massive response.”

So I’ve taken his lead (only slightly influenced by the urgings of Scam-Scam and despite the protestations of our tightwad Minister of Finance Ivo), and started a massive recruitment drive. Those Ultramen won’t know what hit them…

As my first step, I have enlisted millions of smacks* of giant jellyfish to provide frontline forces in the sea between Republic of Tinselman and Terra Incognita. Japan, where these behemoth blobs have congregated, will be only too glad to see the back of them.

Surprisingly, there’s a limit to how much jellyfish any one country can consume…

>> By Famewhore

These pictures show the sumo jellyfish in action. Impressive! And slimey.

RoT’s forces won’t even make it to the coast! (Although, I do have a couple more surprises lined up for them if they do…)

A few facts for those of you who’re keeping scorecards of the struggle between the forces of reason and enlightenment (us) and the foul RoTters and their vile coterie of celebs and media moguls.

They are called echizen kurage and grow to 6ft wide and weigh 450lb (200kg), with countless poisonous tentacles.

Echizen kurage are devastating the livelihoods of fishermen in the Sea of Japan. Nomura’s jellyfish, as they are known in English, is the biggest creature of its kind off Japan. For reasons that remain mysterious, although I personally wouldn't be surprised if Chinese experiments in sending things into outer space to gigantify them have something t0 do with it all, its numbers have surged in the past few months.
They are destroying the livelihood of many of Japan’s fishermen – fouling and crushing nets, poisoning caught fish and sliming everything they come into contact with. Fishermen on the northern tip of Honshu, Japan’s main island, were forced to suspend work at the height of the lucrative salmon season. In Akita prefecture some communities saw their incomes fall by 80 per cent. The gizzard shad fishers of South Korea have also been plagued by the Nomura’s.

More information?

‘How do you tackle an invasion of giant jellyfish? Try making sushi’ >>
'Jellyfish invasion in full swing' via Neatorama >>

* A group of jellyfish is known as a ‘smack’. Any really good suggestions about what the collective noun for a group of Khan-led celebrities is called will be awarded ... something...

Daily Dust :: _DSC1870

2006-10-09T11:18:00.000+10:00

More photographs by Jonathan Sawyer >>

Finance Minister Ivo* has drawn my attention to the inherent maintenance problems associated with large-scale use of platonic solids so I have been casting around for some fresh but thrifty defensive ideas. Eventually, whilst scouring the Flickr fields, I stumbled across this one.

Water dust!* (Aka _DSC1870 in the armaments industry.) What could be more appropriate? More elegant? Or cheaper?

We’ll lay it down over the platonic solids/buckyball substratum, thus protecting these layers and ensuring that they last longer, whilst also providing a deceptively smooth surface over the treacherous avalanche-just-waiting–to-happen underneath... an excellent new obstacle for the RoTten forces to contend with.

* Who? What? When? I wonder whether Administration was ever going to tell me about this appointment…
* I also like the addition of those sticky sticks and NOT just because they remind me of my second-favourite joke. It is a little-known but entirely incontestable fact that Ultramen are deeply deeply terrified of sticks in all their forms.