Lovertine - (adj.) - addicted to love-making

Birthdays, headaches, and miscellaneous tid bits.

2007-07-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I have last written...partly because my internet is crappy and partly because I have not felt motivated to write much.

Between then and now, I had a birthday. It was actually one of the better I have had in a long time. Just about all my friends were available to help celebrate with food, alcohol and great conversation. To top it off, I got laid that night and woke to a leisurely day with a lover.

Eating at a new restaurant in town, my friends and I played some pool, drank some ale and laughed our way through the night...retiring to my porch for more of the same. I wore a nice little dress I bought, and I felt like a belle at a ball. It was really a great time. Of course, by the end of the night, I was ready to pass out, happily drunk, thoroughly buzzed with impassioned love making, and tingling from head to toe with that sort of happiness one feels when they realized they are loved.

Then back to work...

I know I have mentioned work before, but it is downright hellish sometimes. It just reaffirms that the human race needs to be wiped off the face of the earth (me included).

This past week, despite my best efforts, has left me feeling a bit detached and depressed. I think that the past few weeks of stress have finally gotten me down. My monthly visitor was late...very late, and I was stressing about that for a bit. And then about finances...whether I had enough money to pay the rent and eat at the same time...

But now, the stresses are different. Mum has not been well, and we got news yesterday that she needs a major surgical procedure...a long story, but still not the best news. And then the ex called...which freaked me out, and gave me nightmares last night. I'm not scared of the guy, just wary. The most important question being: what the fuck does he want? Grrrr. I'm not playing this game.

When he called, I thought it was my friend Terry...he sometimes calls from different phones. And I told my mother that was who I thought it was...and I was wrong. I did not want to alarm my mother, but flipping out on the phone...so I laughed and played along. It was painful. I would have really liked to tell the guy where to step off...and hang up.

He is the past. A memory. And that is where I want him to stay.

Wet love, top fives, and dreams

2007-06-06T23:22:00.018-05:00

Life can be truly amusing from time to time. Just a simple and general observation I have made today.

At any rate, last night the Sergeant came to visit. He's heading off somewhere doing his army thing, pretty hush-hush stuff, apparently. He can grow a beard because of this hush-hush stuff, and I could not help but admire his beard. It makes him look like a man...a real man. Granted, his beard is red versus the tawny hair on his head and dark hair on his body...goes to show he's truly of the Scotch-Irish Appalachian sort.

He watched a bit of Hannibal Rising, more talking than watching. And finally, the film was abandoned in lieu of some lovemaking. The Sergeant loves to shower with me for some strange reason, but I don't mind. He claims to love the water, and I believe him. It was in the shower last night that I got the 'fucking' of my life. I came within moments of passing out from the combination of the heat and the fact that all the blood in my brain had drained southward...and the fact that I was 'fucked' within inches of my life...did I mention that? It was brutal pounding, me clawing at the walls of the shower, blacking out from such intense orgasms, and eventually being held upright when I couldn't catch my breath and my pussy would not stop quivering and my knees shaking. I had not been fucked like that in god knows how long or if ever.

I know my neighbors were probably cringing, the bathroom being the only place in these apartments where sound carries. I know I was quite vocal, enthusiastically so, until I nearly passed out, of course. My hips are still sore from the Sergeant's hold on them, and the back of my head where he pulled my head back by the hair and suckled my throat. I have what looks like a rug-burn bruise on my chin and shoulder from some sort of oral attack on my person. And my knees and thighs have finger marks all over...bruised impressions of his hands.

Yum.

It was a whole evening ordeal, and by the time he came, it was dawn. I was wrought out completely, but we still had enough energy to talk a while, talk about our 'top fives' in life. I rank in his top five of all time greatest women. A compliment to be sure. I rank in a tie for the best lay...number two. I would be number one, except for the fact that the Sergeant and I have not really had the chance to rut anywhere else than my flat. He claimed that he has a fantasy of being caught, or nearly being caught...public acts. I admitted that I was not adverse to the idea, the truth being that if given the chance, I would have him anywhere.

I admitted that he was in my top three of all time best lovers, at least in the basest physical sense. We are not in a relationship, although I sense a bit of jealousy from him when I mention other lovers. But the Sergeant is the type of person who would collect lovers, make them exclusive only to him, just because he is that much of a control freak. He has his issues, and I have mine...but the point is that he is a fantastic lover.

We slept in late, he at my left, wrapped up in my thinnest blanket, I on the right, cocooned inside a flannel comforter. Occasionally, he would wrap a big arm about my waist and snore into my hair. *chuckle*

At one point, I know I kicked the hell out of him, because he woke up and in turn woke me. I apologized and muttered I had dreamt I was in a fist fight with my father. He chuckled, rolled over and went back to sleep. I don't think I hurt him.

When the alarm went off, we were slow to rise...searching for hastily stripped clothing, something to drink. I tease him about the fact that he is a big, hairy army machine, adding that I would not have him any other way. I do care for the guy, but not so much as to beat myself up over the fact that we are not together. We have a good time, talking and sleeping together. He kissed me when he left, a sweet little kiss that left me tingling.

At work today, which was quite slow, I could not help but remember how he pounded into me in the shower. The feeling of his large hands upon my hips and the way he kissed my back and shoulders. How he overpowered my body and mind and held me so easily. In his domination, I felt beautiful.

I'm exhausted now, and I work two eight hour shifts...ugh.

Sore feet, and other bits...and Sympathy for the Devil

2007-05-29T18:25:00.000-05:00

I have been rather naughty as of late, which goes to show that my emotional ups and downs usually end up with me doing something depraved...or lascivious.

Wednesday night, I met with a friend who I had not seen in over a year. He is a very handsome black man with his life in order, his Masters in Psych under his belt, a job, a car, and a great like for me. He stayed the night, and for once in a very long time, I made love to someone. It is nice to feel totally and utterly adored by someone, and that was how I felt with my friend. It was a nice evening of talking, touching, kissing and lovemaking. He slept next to me quietly, holding me close and randomly kissing my face or hair, running his fingers along my ribs and caressing an exposed breast. I really care for the man, he has been nothing less than wonderful and the lovemaking was exquisite, although new to me. I am sure with time we will find a new level of intimacy if our relationship continues.

The next night...another man in a totally different manner. It was raw, rough, wonderfully painful where I ached afterwards in the most fantastic way...the bed soaked with sweat and juices...and the comfortable, exhausted cuddling afterward. This is the Sergeant...familiar, funny, intense...a big hairy winning machine (says he). It had been a long time, and it will probably be another long period of time until it happens again. But I also care for the man, even though he can be a complete arse from time to time. He's great in bed, big body, hair and all. I love the sounds he makes when I clamp down on him. I also love watching his face, he has a very handsome face, and gorgeous eyes... I just love the way I know I can let loose with him...scream and scratch and bite like a madwoman. He takes it all.

Two different lovers, two different styles...both a welcome distraction from my more serious and morbid thoughts as of late. It is my life, my way, and it is nice to get back into action again after denying myself for a while... Frustrations vented...check.

Mourning a passing, celebrating a life.

2007-05-15T10:03:00.000-05:00

My grandmother passed away this morning after 81 years and 6 months of life. This past week has been marred with the anticipation that she would pass, but still when I got the word from my dad a few minutes ago, I broke down.

I have blogged several times about my grandmother, she has been integral to my life, my education, and various other aspects about myself. She has been my best friend, my confidante, my support and perhaps my most precious person.

For the past month, she had been more ill than I or anyone has ever known. My grandmother had several health problems working against her, let alone her age. Up until the past month she had been very active, living in her own house, doing her own errands, but had slowed down ever since my cousin passed away two years ago. My cousin and I were the closest to my grandmother and when my cousin passed it seemed like a fraction of my grandmother's soul was ripped away. She had not been well since.

My grandmother had been in extreme pain due to an aneurysm in an artery running from her heart, putting pressure on various nerves. Doctors had hoped to repair the aneurysm next week, but I believe my grandmother knew that it was near time for her to die, or time to let herself go after being in so much pain.

I started a new job last week, and my grandmother was delighted. I tried calling her everyday last week, but most days she was resting, trying to fight through her pain. I finally got to speak with her on Thursday for about 15 minutes. I could tell that she was exhausted, but she was cognizant, concerned that I was fitting in at the job, and asked if I needed any help, financially until I get my first pay check. We laughed and talked, like we always had.

By Saturday, my first day off, I went to see her. From Thursday to Saturday, I could see a change. She had failed so much between the time I talked to her and the time I saw her. She laid in bed, curled up in a ball, her eyes unfocused, drifting all about the bedroom she lay in. It hurt to see her so weak and in so much pain. But she knew I was there, and tried to talk to me even though she had no strength to do so. She walked only from the bedroom to a chair in the living room, hanging on to me for support. At that point she only weighed 87 pounds.

After a shower, my grandmother declared she wanted to go to the hospital. The pain was so severe and the medicine she had at home was not cutting it. And so, we dressed my grandmother, I dried and combed her hair, and the ambulance came to get her. She only stayed two nights in the hospital. There was nothing the doctors could do except medicate her.

My aunt and uncle took her home yesterday, with a hospital bed prepared and a hospice care worker coming in to give her morphine. All of her veins had collapsed so no IV would do any good, the hospice worker had to insert a dissoluble tablet in my grandmother's lip. My aunt talked with me over the phone, telling me it was only a matter of time, but my grandmother was comfortable. In truth, I only wanted for her comfort. My grandmother was not conscious and even if I were there, she was not.

I am relieved that she is now without pain, and I am relieved that her wishes to die at home had been granted. We had talked about her dying many times and she had made it clear that she did not want to die in a hospital with tubes running in and out of her body. She wanted to die in her sleep, pain free, and at home...and so she did.

When I spoke with her Saturday, she mentioned, like she has many times while growing up, about dreams. She dreamt that she saw my grandfather, my cousin, my great-grandmother and great-grandfather, my aunt Annabell and my uncle Archie, all waiting for her, and calling to her to come. My grandmother tried to laugh at this, saying that if it were heaven, it was her personal heaven. My grandmother was raised a Christian, but did not practice. She had many eccentric ideas about religion, but she believed that our ancestors are waiting for us to pass, something akin to Viking beliefs. My grandmother believed in the power of dreams and the portents they hold, and she knew then that she was ready to go. It made me think of a Viking death hymn, and I told her so. She smiled and patted my hand, and simply told me that someday she would be waiting with all the others for me too. And not worry or mourn, but to be happy that she was off again, on another adventure in another time.

I'm so glad. My grandmother found peace, despite her body being in so much pain. As much as I would love to have my grandmother all my life, I could never be so selfish.

Arrangements are being made today, and I know I might miss either the wake or the funeral. But I don't think I could stand to see people mourning, crying out their personal griefs. It would be something my grandmother would not want. I mourn, but it my selfish nature to do so. But I also celebrate, because I know that my grandmother passed with little or no regret.

I loved my grandmother, I will always love her. She was not perfect and she made many mistakes in her life, but she learned and went on to teach me and my sister. She had a rough, but full life. She knew love, she knew the love of others, she had children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, brothers and sisters...all who loved her for her fiery spirit. So, I do not want to mourn, I want to remember and be grateful.

In the meantime, I go back to work Wednesday and also work Friday and Saturday. A friend is coming to visit on Friday whom I haven't seen in a long time, so there is something to look forward to. This is a friend whom I told my grandmother about, a friend who is very supportive of my life, and I look forward to seeing him again.

I will have to keep myself together as much as I would like to breakdown and sing my grief, but my grandmother would never want that. Even now, I feel her love and her wish for me to do all that I can do for myself. I will never lose that, and no one could ever take that away from me.

So, thank you, Mamaw...you have given me so much, and I never forget.

End of a long run, papers galore, and the luxury of a hot shower

2007-04-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while...ah well, I haven't really written much besides work on the ole thesis. I have the rest of this week and then half of next and then???it's over!!!

It will be nice to give myself some time off, read books that I WANT to read, write on things besides the thesis/monstrosity.

It is really sad that I have not had the time to go out or even prowl a bit. Academia calls, and I must obey.

Pictured to the right, one of my heroes...Vampira. I need to get back into my 'vixen' mode before I forget what it was like to be female, horny, sexy, and just damn irresistible. *chuckles to self* or something close to that. I need a haircut in a dire way, and I need to get some sun and some air...I must face a zombie like creature every time I look into the mirror.

But, at any rate, I hope to get back into the habit of blogging about my boring little life in the near future. Cheers!

Pie, limpness, annoyance, and stupid cunts.

2007-03-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

Strawberries and creme pie, ah, you sit in my refrigerator tempting me to shove my entire face in your pan. After not having anything the least bit sweet in my flat, here comes the pie. I shall eat you and never regret.

After NOT being invited out to drink for St. Patrick's day (who gives a flying fuck about an Irish holi-whatever when you are not Irish in the least bit...Scottish all the way), I was called to pick up two male friends from the bars. Why I did it, I will never know. To break the monotony? At any rate, I should start a fucking taxing service. So, I picked their drunk asses up, and ended up staying over a bit at the Man Whore's flat while the Sergeant crashed on the floor of the living room, a drunk, snoring blob. I was frustrated. The combination of alcohol and conquest made the Man Whore amorous. When he's completely sober, I should ask him to invest in something to keep him hard long enough for one of us to get off. Besides, he is a bit too skinny for my taste. I almost want to tie him down and teach him how to get a woman off. The Man Whore is mostly talk, I have gathered, and is quite clumsy when it comes to pleasuring a woman. Then again, it really is only about him.

Although, sleeping next to him is quite nice. I will not write him off totally. He is an endearing bed fellow...when asleep. I do like sleeping next to him, and that's about it. Perhaps the next time he is interested in touching me, I should simply say that I want to sleep...and let him and his amazing deflating cock be. I left his bed last night, or early morning, with a spent condom still on his cock, reaching out for my body that was no longer there.

I slipped out and home while both men were sleeping. I came home and took a shower and went to bed. At 1, the Sergeant called and woke me. He thanked me for giving him a lift. And I told him that the next time he drunkenly tells me that I "don't know shit about politics, because I am a woman," I would not be responsible for my actions. Prick.

Half an hour later, the Man Whore called...wanting another ride...this time to his car. I expressed my annoyance, but agreed. We have a compromise. He buys me dinner or gas for my car, I'll occasionally drive his skinny white ass around a bit. It annoys me, but in the end, I like the company. Not always, of course, just on occasion.

While picking up the hung-over men, I looked like utter shite, and I know it. That's what you get when you wake me up after a long night of nearly no sleep. The Sergeant paid for a full tank of gas. I used every bit of the advantage to fill my nearly empty car up to the brim. All the while the Man Whore was telling me the latest bit of drama. I guess some stupid cunt the Sergeant was messing with tried to kill herself. I couldn't help but laugh.

The Man Whore is supposedly 'pro-suicide,' "for stupid cunts," he says. I have to agree. In my own life, there have been times I have tried (and obviously failed) to take my own life, but it was NEVER over someone in particular. I told the Man Whore that my reasons had more of a global view...to which he laughed and patted my shoulder and ruffled my hair. I then went on to say that I had no sympathy for anyone who tried to kill themselves over being slighted. I have been slighted many times over, and yes, it hurt and I felt like doing something rash...but it usually culminated in me drinking far too much and calling people drunk and saying something obscene. Ah, a fantastic way to vent one's spleen.

I also noted that I had no sympathy for the Sergeant either. I like him, I really do...that is when he is sober and not around the Man Whore. He's an okay guy. He's fantastic in bed, and he's very warm with his lovers...but...when he's drunk and in the presence of certain folk, he's a prick. I suppose that can be true for most men. Supposedly he said something to the stupid cunt and she tried to kill herself. That's what I gather. The Man Whore also noted that the girl was very much 'in love' with the Sergeant and sought a relationship beyond the Sergeant's means. I shrug... I had a similar itching a while ago like that...but quickly killed it. As much as I can be fond of someone...that doesn't mean I want a relationship.

So...I love the drama, when I am not involved. In a way, it serves the Sergeant right. He can run off at the mouth sometimes...his particular brand of machismo working overtime. He really needs to be more careful with what he says and does. Not everyone is so blase about things as I am. Yeah, it hurts a bit (my ego mostly) when a lover of sorts doesn't return your calls, but that's the breaks, eh? But my life is not effectively over because I see the Sergeant with other women or he blows me off. It will piss me off, but I will move on to someone else quickly.

Ah, one of the reasons I hate my own sex.

So, I am going to return to bed. I have no plans for today. Tomorrow evening I am going to my grandmother's to stay the night. And perhaps this evening the Man Whore will take me to a good dinner. He makes more money than I do, so it's only natural. I should express to him the fact that he's a lousy lay, but that might damage our congenial relationship. Then again, he uses me too much, and I let him for my own gains. I just wish he were better in bed.

*sigh*

Sleep, oblivion, and painful waking

2007-03-01T18:47:00.000-05:00

I slept though my alarm at 10 am this morning. It was still going off at intervals until 4 pm. I woke 15 minutes ago....now being a quarter till seven.

Christ. I slept from about 1 am last night until 6.30 pm the next day. I did not hear the alarm, and I only rose once to go to the bathroom...sometime when it was still dark.

So bugger it, I missed a whole day. I did not want to wake...how odd.

On some evenings, such as this evening, the wind is quite warm although a cool rain blows upon the breeze. It is refreshing after the temperature being so low and the wind like razors.

I realize how strange my life is. I get lonely. I called my sister and spoke with her for a few moments...telling her about my 15 hour sleep. She asked me if I had been drinking. In truth, I have not had a drink in about 2 months...not since New Year's. I just have not been in the mood to drink, and no company to enjoy a drink with...

There is a giddiness in my thoughts...a euphoria after sleeping so long. I am lonely, but I am not lonely. I am sleepy, but I am not sleepy. I am hungry, but not...

There is a surreality surrounding me. Maybe I am slowly becoming unhinged?

I did dream during my long sleep...disjointed dreams...dreams of old houses in which several tenants lived...dealing with water rising into their verandas and back porches. I dreamt of having a light haired daughter, a toddler with black eyes. I dreamt of driving down a great mountain road in a three wheeled car. I dreamt that I was very old, but my body was young.

If I had the time and less responsibility, I wouldn't mind being able to sleep 15 hours a day.

I woke and immediately took a shower. My face feels tight. My left leg tingles, and I stretched after my shower.

No class tomorrow, only work in the morning. And then I'm off to the mountains for the weekend. I really cannot stand to be here at the moment. I am ready to leave.

ugh.

Corkboards, hip pain, cigars, grant proposals, York, yada, yada, yada

2007-02-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

I started decorating a bit...haha...no, not really. But I began tacking up a few things above my workstation at home, clippings, notes to self, a printed quote, a photo I took of a the back of battlements in Borgo Valsugana with an Alpine peak in the background, a photo for Hannibal Rising, and a print out of a Blake engraving. Yeah....

My hip is killing me today, and it started to hurt last Friday. I put a 'Tiger Balm' patch on it...took some tylenol.

Had to stop for cigars before coming home...picked up a sandwich.

In the meantime, I have been budgetting and planning...writing a brief proposal for some amount of grant money. $4000 at most...to attend a conference in York, England...the International Blake Conference celebrating the 250th year of Blake's birth. I have checked ticket prices, roundtrip from Pittsburgh to Manchester, the trainride (roundtrip) from Manchester to York...hotel tariffs for roughly 6 nights, and money for food and incidentals. I would really like to go to York...visit York Minster (the oldest Gothic Cathedral in Northern Europe)... Ah, I need to research!

I am not budgetting in a visit to London. In fact, I am avoiding it now, it being so expensive to even stay in London. York is much cheaper. As much as I would like to go to the Tate, I don't think I can afford it now...I want to keep this cheap...better chance to be awarded the grant. Unfortunately I do not know how much money will be available. Will just have to see.

All the same, I got a bit of info from the organizer...glad to know that a graduate student would be interested in coming. There are several speakers that I would really like to hear...and meet.

In the meantime...research...write...plan a trip to Philly...etc.

Gods, I wish my hip would stop aching...and I wish so many things.

Headaches, audiobooks, and Saturno Butto.

2007-02-20T21:26:00.000-05:00

Today...fucking blew. As per usual, I put off some work to the last minute, only to scramble around all fucking day. I was writing the introductory essay for this semester's project, scanning slides, helping out my friend with searching some information on a particular Romanesque tympanum and its symbolism...Autun, maybe? Ste. Foy? ugh. So, the headache set in...and stayed until after I made it back to my flat after 6 pm. I showered, ate, watched a bit of TV.

NBC, really the only channel I can get, has that 'To Catch a Predator' on tonight. I never watch it. It makes me uncomfortable for several reasons. As much as I am against child predators, online solicitation of minors, etc. I also want to beat the hell out of the kids who are engaging with the fucks who are called the 'predators.' It is not as if these kids don't know what they are inviting...but watching the show just makes me feel slimy...like a secondary sick high for the real child predators. As much as the men who solicit so-called children, people who get off on watching these poor schmucks get caught are almost as bad. So...I don't watch the show...ever.

I have been downloading some audio books to break up the monotony of music on my iPod. I'm still downloading all of Thomas Harris's books except for 'Hannibal Rising.' I am also downloading 'The Universe in the Nutshell,' 'The Andromeda Strain,' and Haruki Murakami's 'The Wind Up Bird Chronicle.' All three books are by some of my favorite thinkers and writers. I also loved the cheesy early 70s version of Andromeda Strain on film. I'm actually excited to start listening to some of these books while at work. I just added Joseph Campbell's 'The Power of Myth,' and Carl Jung's 'Man and his Symbols' both of which I have read...but not for a while.

I begrudgingly bought the complete poetry and prose of William Blake, and a commentary of Jerusalem from Amazon.com. Spent a total of $42...ugh. I really have to control myself with Amazon. I just do not have the money to buy all the books that I want...boo hoo....

Also, I mentioned Saturno Butto to a friend today (Glamour Sebastian pictured). Ah, Saturno...

I am planning a trip to Philly at the end of March. I actually look toward this trip as an escape. I have been near Philly many times on my way to NYC, but never to Philly. I really want to see the Duchamp collection at the Philly Museum of Art... Will probably take the train up, stay the night, and come back late the next day. I am going to have to do some made budgeting for this...

*sigh*

Shiatsu, pegging, and that horrid feeling.

2007-02-11T18:34:00.000-05:00

Working on my taxes have never been a fun activity, alas...and I cannot find a particular receipt for a book I bought...which I can deduct. grr.

So, I went down to my parent's for the weekend, finding that they have twice the snow as in Mo-town. I had a hard time in my all wheel drive car getting up their driveway. I had to back down three times before I picked up enough speed and courage to make it all the way up the drive without getting stuck in a rut full of snow or somehow managing to leave the narrow tire tracks and blazing through new snow.

My mum has this new shiatsu chair...which translates to me 'beat the shit out of you' chair. I think my back it bruised from just sitting in it for about a minute.

I also informed my mother what 'pegging' meant...long story.

Actually, I would be interested to trace the so-called 'etymology' of that word... *giggle*

And as of the moment, I really need to find something to eat, but in all honesty, I feel as if I will vomit it back up. Ugh.

What a shite entry. I need a nap.

Older men, the pressing of hands to hands, and other quirks.

2007-02-08T17:09:00.000-05:00

Short day, in which I slept as late as I could, burying my alarm clock under my pillows in an attempt to pretend it did not exist. Again, it is bitterly cold out...

I have been feeling a bit odd lately, besides having to deal with the fact that my bones ache and that my intellectual prowess is beating out my sexual prowess. It is this love of learning that has been my source of inspiration lately...among other things.

It is strange how our minds can unconsciously switch things on and off in our bodies. For instance...ever since a strange dream last week, every time I talk with my male history professor, I walk away with an uncomfortable dampness between my thighs.

Gods forbid...right?

This professor is young, but not so young as a TA...he has his Ph.D. in history, and is apparently married according to the gold band on his left hand. In fact, I find the man delightful as a professor, and I enjoy the class immensely. I like the fact that he remembers my name out of a class of nearly 50 other students.

But ever since the dream (which strangely consisted of a topic of arranged marriage, a trip back into time, and my professor watching me pleasure myself, all the while make subtle suggestions), I cannot walk away from that class without wanting to rush home and finish myself off. Yesterday, I talked with my professor briefly after class, talking about different aspects of British society, mainly my interest in Blake and Blake's fascination with the druids...British fairy stories and the tradition of mythography in Britain...I was downright twitching. My professor must think me very odd, laughing nervously when he meets my eye or how I watch his lips when he speaks.

Granted, my professor is a fairly good looking man, somewhat boyish in the way he wears his hair and the types of clothing he wears, but I am sure that I am probably the only female in the class who must force herself to stop rubbing her thighs together in class. It is a problem.

I felt like an ass when I left after speaking to him yesterday.

I never dress up or do much to better my appearance when I do go to my lectures. I do not have the time in the mornings, nor the will to do so. My hair is at that awkward length where it wants to stick up in the back...and since it has been so cold I am forced to wear a hat or toboggan...which ends up giving my a disheveled look when the hat comes off. My skin is dry, due to the icy wind out, and flushed. I have on heavy clothes and boots, and I am not there to make a fashion statement or to even attract any one with my appearance (of course, that is usually the case...but I do 'pretty up' every once in a while). I talk too fast, I laugh too nervously and I cannot help but stare sometimes. I am just not comfortable.

So...as my professor leans his arms against the wall as we talk, shifts his weight to one hip, I swallow thickly. I kept thinking that I need to go home, get trashed and laugh at myself. And so, as quickly and politely as I could, I thanked him for his time, and rushed out.

So cool, eh?

Egads, I need to get this twisted little 'crush' under control. In all actuality, I would have never been so aroused had it not been for a stupid little dream.

------

I have been thinking...as per usual...about strange things people do. Or, at least, what I consider strange.

Handshaking...or pressing palm against palm in some short ritual to convey a particular meaning.... A greeting, congratulations, parting or a sign of some agreement...

Besides this, it is a means of passing skin cells and germs... *chuckle*

I started thinking about handshaking at the end of my sister's wedding, where the wedding party shook the hands of the guests in a sign of thanks. I shook hands with people I knew and mostly people I did not know. I kept thinking that it was strange that I should have to touch these people...

I also kept thinking of a line from Romeo and Juliet... '...palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss...let lips do what hands do...' etc etc etc.

At any rate. So sensual and so plebeian...the handshake mystifies me.

---------

I keep thinking of what to eat for my one meal of the day...dinner. It is definitely soup weather.

Soup, then shower, then study, then masturbate, then bed. At least tomorrow is Friday.

I am hoping that my new pair of glasses will be ready...it has nearly been a week since I had an eye exam and paid an exorbitant amount of money (for me, at least) on a new set of frames.

My eye sight is not too terrible, but I still need something for when I drive or when I need to lecture in the dark. Ten years ago, my eye sight was a different story...for I was slowly and surely going blind. Five years ago, I had surgery on my eyes and for once in my life, experience perfect vision... Slowly, over five years and with use (of course) my eye sight has degraded. Thus is life, I suppose.

Ah, well...new glasses...something (better than nothing) to look forward to.

How dull my life is at the moment?

St. George's Hill, El Laberinto del Fauno, and the decay of internal organs

2007-02-05T00:18:00.000-05:00

I spent the biggest part of today in the library. I had all my books, my thermos of coffee, my iPod (Gin-chan), and Enrico Caruso and Glenn Gould's Goldberg Variations to keep me company...oh, and did I mention Gerrard Winstanley.

It has been one of those strange, nearly surreal days. Besides being bitterly cold outside, I feel as if I have reached a mile marker towards my path to enlightenment. How or why, I cannot explain, but when you know that you have been enlightened in some way, it usually takes a great deal of time to actualize the fact.

Last Wednesday, my genius neighbor and I went to see El Laberinto del Fauno...mangled by the English language: Pan's Labyrinth. Fantastic...is really the only word I can think of to describe the film...beautiful, perhaps, and graphic. Such petty words, overused to the point that they no longer have no meaning or basis of comparison. boo.

I have been deliciously randy, but to no avail. No time and no takers. I marry the bed, as Anne Sexton would say so eloquently.

Spent almost 2 hours talking to the genius neighbor on the phone about Caruso...Match Point...and promising to watch a film about Glenn Gould with him sometime this week.

Also picked up some books I requested...ended up being 12 books in all, possibly about 60 lbs. of weight to carry to my car and into my flat. All Blake books, except one which is a large tome with dry rotten binding. All of these books but one are due back by the end of the month. bugger.

I am hoping to get some sort of enlightenment from these books...an aspect that I have not thought of and fleshed out on my own. Ah, learning.

Master's thesis, here I come.

And then dissertation...ugh.

I need to get laid. A thorough rogering and a full roll in the hay. My mouth waters at the thought of fellatio. hm. Bugger it all.

My hips have been aching for weeks now. A dull ache in the very bone. My side also hurts, and I hope it has nothing to do with my lungs. I think it is too low on my side for it to be my lungs. The cold draws out the ache, and I did have to go out into the biting cold today...and tomorrow, and the next day and the next. It doesn't matter how much I wear, or how many layers I don...it aches all the same...like the cold is being absorbed through my face or hands and travels down my skeleton to my hips and lower back. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

The dissolution of bone and sinew. I have a feeling that I will probably end up crippled toward the end of my life.

The bone deep ache.

2007-01-26T22:16:00.000-05:00

It was so cold out today that my bones ached so much more than I can ever remember. I had work this morning and then lecture.

I need to figure out something to do with my hair, either just shave my fucking head or find a new hat to wear. guh.

I came home and took a nap, so cold that I piled on a few more blankets. Woke at about 5 pm, incredibly hungry. I really haven't had much to eat this whole week. Coffee has been my fuel. I thought about ordering out, but what I wanted does not delivery on Fridays for some stupid reason... no DP Dough for me...just as well.

I keep alternating between incredibly depressed and apathetic. I think it is hormonal. Sudden moments of my eyes tearing up and my lips quivering. I could simply cry my heart out. But it changes up and I deride myself and laugh. Talk about mood swings.

I think I am somehow lamenting the fact that the Sergeant has blatantly ignored me even when I only call once a month. ugh. It stings a bit...being unwanted.

*sigh*

I am really craving some human contact. I need a hug.

I suppose that is the crux of being me...so attached to my privacy and isolation that when I actually do want to reach out, there is no one there.

Fuck it. I am tired, just so awfully tired.

Discontent and drinking

2007-01-25T21:38:00.000-05:00

Even though I went to bed at 4 am last night and was able to sleep in...the sound of someone drilling woke me... The whir of a drill usually makes me strangely happy, but not the whir of a drill, that high pitched squeal, which rouses me from deep REM sleep and makes me have odd half dreams about multiple car pile ups.

I went into work early, stopped and got something for lunch, a hot cup of coffee and a soda. Got quite a bit of work done, talked with my fellow grad students and laughed.

My lecture, as per usual, wrenched at my very soul. I think I am really teaching the rest of the class more about Neo-Classicism than the actual instructor.

Came home with a headache. Called the Sergeant, whom I hung up on after being put on hold...only to be called back later. I was a bit perturbed and was a bit short. I doubt he will ever call me again.

My headache is slowly dissipating due to some medicine and a little bit of wine. I feel tired, my bones ache, and my neighbor has their bass turned up too loud. I almost want to walk down to my neighbor's place, knock on the door and smash my creepy fuck of neighbor under my heel. He's really a creep...and loud...and obnoxious...and I'm glad I do not see him too often.

Ugh, oh well. Found a neat site for vintage erotic playing cards...here.

Yes, porn...need it, love it, want to roll around in it until I feel almost too dirty.

*sigh*

I'm starting to feel a bit sleepy, finally. Just tomorrow to endure and then the weekend. I need to do a shite load of laundry...I miss having a washer and dryer.

It is also colder than a well digger's arse out, but I still have my bedroom window cracked about 2 inches. I love sleeping in the cold, wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets...ah, comfort.

Winter finally arrives?

2007-01-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

Finally...it snows a substantial amount. The rest of the country is getting knocked about my ole man Winter, and today is the first time since winter began that I have seen any amount of accumulation. About 4 inches so far...

I am happy to see it actually snowing. I have missed it.

It is warm in my flat, and I am wearing socks...two on each foot, so I won't have to complain about my feet aching...which they usually do when it is cold. At the moment my lower back hurts...partly from strain and partly from my monthly stalker.

Last Thursday, my man whore friend crashed at my flat, and believe it or not, we slept together in quiet harmony. He's a skinny guy...a bit too skinny for my tastes, but we sleep well together. It was nice to be held and not drooled upon. He crowded me against the wall, and somehow managed to infiltrate my cocoon of blankets without irking me. I guess that's one advantage to him being so thin. The only complaint was that he accidentally knocked me squarely in the back of the head, waking up and not knowing where he was...and quickly apologized by pressing a kiss into the back of my right shoulder.

I had to get up at 8 that morning for work, and we lazed about, being naughty...me complaining that I would kill the cat that shit in my mouth... ugh. He got a laugh out of that one.

We do not have the most illustrious sexual history...he's usually got the cursed 'whiskey dick,' and I'm not particularly attracted to him. So we shrugged off our little itch of sexual frustration and I dropped him off on my way to work.

He owes me.

Alas, I wouldn't mind just asking him to crash at my place so I can sleep with him again...with no sexual undertones. He doesn't move much, and I like being held.

Ah well...

Schools around the area are on a 2 hour delay, and I can only fantasize about the University closing for a day because of the bitter cold and snow.

Going down some Tylenol for my back, sip some ginger ale and do puzzles before sleep...I cannot wait until my cycle is over...and I do not have to feel as if someone has trampled all over my lower back.

Movie Reviews...part trois.

2007-01-19T19:59:00.000-05:00

Another series of movies, this time with a foreign flare. I have also loved Asian Cinema, and as of late, Korean cinema has really been standing out. My tastes have been shifting from Japanese pop culture to Korean, more specifically South Korean cinema.

Last year I finally got to watch Oldboy, the second of three (now all released) called the Vengeance trilogy. For anyone who has not seen Oldboy...SEE IT NOW! Based off of a Japanese manga/comic, the Korean interpretation is a beautiful, disturbing and memorable. First is the film I just viewed, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. Third is Sympath for Lady Vengeance, which I will have to find.

So, without further ado...movie reviews...part trois.

First!

Title: Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance / Boksuneun naui geot (2002)
Director: Park Chan-wook

Basic Plot: This is the story of Ryu, a deaf man, and his sister, who requires a kidney transplant. Ryu's boss, Park, has just laid him off, and in order to afford the transplant, Ryu and his girlfriend develop a plan to kidnap Park's daughter. Things go horribly wrong, and the situation spirals rapidly into a cycle of violence and revenge.

Starring: Song Kang-ho, Shin Ha-kyun, Bae Du-na , Lim Ji-Eun, and Han Bo-bae.

My Rating: 5 out of 5
Buying Power: WILL BUY!!!

My Take: As stated before, the second of a trilogy of sorts, all with the common theme of Vengeance. This seems to be a theme close to Park Chan-wook's heart (the short film on 3 extremes under his direction is also a revenge based story). I just Wiki'ed the director to see that there are particular actors he uses over and over through the trilogy. Hm.

This film is visseral, raw, with limited dialogue, and from time to time, a bit of a drag. Shin Ha-kyun, who plays the main character, is absolutely wonderful, and yes...I feel sympathy for that version of Mr. Vengeance...as well as Song Kang-ho's character, perhaps the true Mr. Vengeance. The end was fantastic...and the moral of the story? Vengeance begets vengeance...and so on and so so forth. I will probably try to get this film, since I already have Oldboy.

Second

Title: The Returner / Ritana (2002)
Director: Takashi Yamazaki

Basic Plot: After an alien invasion threatens to annihilate the human race, a young Japanese girl, named Milly (Anne Suzuki), travels back in time from 2084 to October 2002, and enlists the reluctant aid of skilled Tokyo gunman, named Miyamoto (Takeshi Kaneshiro), to discover and prevent the start of the war. However, trouble ensues when the two protagonists are forced to deal with a Japanese mafia boss, named Mizoguchi (Goro Kishitani), who is somehow involved in the start of the war by keeping the first alien spaceship and its alien pilot captive, while our two heroes race against the clock to find a way to stop the oncoming destruction from the vengeance-seeking alien invasion fleet on its way to Earth.

Starring: Takeshi Kaneshiro, Anne Suzuki, and Goro Kishitani.

My Rating: 3 out of 5
Buying Power: Probably not.

My Take: Japanese cinema and Japanese television differ, television actually being better than the movies most of the time... The Japanese, for all their technology, should stick to films with little or no SPX or English speaking actors or English lines. This movie would have been better as an anime.

I love, I mean , I absolutely love Takeshi Kaneshiro, and acting wise, he really dazzled me. Hell, Anne Suzuki was great as well, but the story itself with its sappy music, strangely non-sentimental flashbacks, and campy English, would have been better as an anime...yep, yep. It was amusing, and it is nice to see Takeshi Kaneshiro speaking Japanese for once...compared to Chinese. But, oh well...don't take this film too seriously.

Third....

Title: Run Lola Run / Lola Rennt (1998)
Director: Tom Tykwer

Basic Plot: At home, Lola gets a call from her frightened boyfriend who has lost a large amount of gang money he was smuggling into the country. His only chance of staying alive is if she can get replacement cash to him in twenty minutes. Lola decides to try her father at the bank where he works. But exactly how things will turn out depends crucially, almost to the second, on how she sets off on her errand.

Starring: Franka Potente, Moritz Bleibtreu, Herbert Knaup, etc.

My Rating: 5 out of 5
Buying Power: ABSOLUTELY

My Take: I like the Princess and the Warrior, and I love Franka Potente. This film has that fantastic indie feel, and it is no wonder it won a shite load of awards. This film really has to do with the very little things that a person does and how it affects the people around them... Kind of like the Chaos theory. Three different versions...which will it be in the end?

All in all, this is a fantasically unique film, a definite watch. It is a German film, in German...with subtitles. The characters, even the minor onces, are memorable, the dialogue to a minimum and the soundtrack also wonderful (I wish I could find it to download).

I know these reviews are a bit short, pardon moi. More to come the next time I rent films...I guess.

Links, love, and formalities

2007-01-16T20:21:00.000-05:00

Been a while since an update, but I have an excuse...the new semester. I'm slowly getting into a new routine, luckily all of my classes in the afternoon, but work in the morning. So far, everything is going along pretty well...all my meetings scheduled, yada yada yada.

Anyway, I thought I would share a few links I have found...the first being a virtual exhibition here: kamasutra3d.org

This site is gorgeous! Although, if you have a slower connection rate, it isn't as fun. But still, interesting, hot, and fun.

I also found a clip with Yoko Ono's 'Cut Piece' from the 60s. In just about any modern art history class, this performance piece is brought up...only photos as a record of the event, but!!!! here's a link to some footage! CUT PIECE

This is a .mov file, so do have a Quicktime plug-in. I should also send the link to a few of my friends and colleagues! tee hee...

Another smile...just found a clip of an old Nina Hartley flick...gods, must be the mid 70s or so... *blush* Nina, I love you!!!

Ah, off to read about about the New Model Army...yippee!

Simply annoyed.

2007-01-05T23:38:00.000-05:00

Besides having to see my ex in public (luckily with no acknowledgement), no one fucking returning my calls, and being so horny that I want to claw my face off, I spent this evening watching/talking with a good friend of mine. I simply love this guy, and sometimes am conflicted if I am attracted to him or not.

I rented some films which will show up in my Movie Review...part deux post tomorrow. I started to watch one with said friend and ended up talking about whatevers...mostly about how our mutual friends suck balls. So, they're out...together, my semi-regular Sergeant, and my man whore friend...all the while wondering why these friends are never returning my calls (2 calls to be total for the Sergeant). It makes me wonder if there's some sort of conspiracy going on...

Fuck them, my friend and I agreed.

The new semester starts Monday, and in ways I am looking forward to it. Something to distract me for a while...

I am just so fucking annoyed right now with so many things that I want to start punching things.

Seeing the ex did not help matters...pissed me off all over again. Ruined a happy meal with my sister... grrr...

Cannot be helped, I suppose, since he still exists and still lives in the same town. Just hearing his voice set my teeth on edge. grrr...

So I'm off to masturbate myself into oblivion because I have not had the chance or the motivation to go out and pick and choose from someone new. That annoys me...about myself mainly.

Off to massage my clit, rub my juices in my clean shaved pussy, and think about what I am going to do tomorrow.

Cheers.

Movie Reviews...part deux.

2007-01-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

Bored out of my skull...so out to rent some more films.

As much as I like to watch films that I know and probably do not own, I always like to rent new films that have yet to come under my special brand of scrutiny. So, in the order that I watched them...

1st:

Title: Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
Director: Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris

Basic Plot: (from IMdb.com) Olive is a little girl with a dream: winning the Little Miss Sunshine contest. Her family wants her dream to come true, but they are so burdened with their own quirks, neuroses, and problems that they can barely make it through a day without some disaster befalling them. Olive's father Richard is a flop as a motivational speaker, and is barely on speaking terms with her mother. Her uncle Frank, a renowned Proust scholar, has attempted suicide following an unsuccessful romance with a male graduate student. Her brother Dwayne, a fanatical follower of Nietzsche, has taken a vow of silence, which allows him to escape somewhat from the family whose very presence torments him. And Olive's grandfather is a ne'er-do-well with a drug habit, but at least he enthusiastically coaches Olive in her contest talent routine. Circumstances conspire to put the entire family on the road together with the goal of getting Olive to the Little Miss Sunshine contest in far off California.

Starring: Greg Kinnear, Toni Colette, Alan Arkin, Paul Dano, Steve Carell, and Abigail Breslin as Olive.

My Rating (5 star scale): 3 out of 5 stars
Buying Power: Nope, not gonna.

My Take: As a fan of Steve Carell, and Toni Colette, I thought I would give this film a try. *sigh* The only two redeeming qualities of this film is Paul Dano as the Nietzschian brother and Alan Arkin as the foul mouthed grandfather. Steve Carell was...eh...okay. I had hoped that this movie would be funny...my brand of dark humor that has me rolling. It failed to own up to it's hype. First off, it was silly at the end, and after watching the various alternate endings it seemed that the writers did not know what the fuck they were doing. Started off with a good idea and literally ran out of gas. The ending was SO silly that I had to cover my ears and grit my teeth. I was incredibly disappointed.

All the same, Paul Dano was by far the most interesting character in the whole film...a troubled and emo teen who forgoes his emo peers by taking up Nietzsche...taking a vow of silence so he can discipline himself and attain his goal to enter flight school...only to find out 9 months into his vow that he is colorblind... Yeah, a spoiler, sorry. I spoil as a warning that this film lacks something...basic...and I cannot think of what it is. I just know that I'm glad I didn't rent this film for the whole week.

2nd...

Title: Lady in the Water (2006)
Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Basic Plot: (from IMdB.com) Cleveland Heep, a stuttering apartment superintendent, encounters a girl named Story swimming in the complex's pool. He soon learns that she comes from the Blue World, and has a message for mankind. Will he be able to help her complete her mission?

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Cindy Cheung, et al., and M. Night Shyamalan

My Rating (5 star scale): 5 out of 5
Buying Power: Will buy when price comes down!!!

My Take: I do like Shyamalan...although I thought Signs was kinda...ugh. I do like Bryce Dallas Howard, especially in the Village. And this film was not pushed as much as the ones before it...so I was hesitant to watch it. Well, it was a great film! No foul language...no real nudity...only a little bit of violence, just a well rounded film where the plot is strong and the emotional depth of the characters was believable. All the same, I did think it was a tad bit predictable...but I have watched so many movies, read so many books and write my own story lines as well, so my opinion is a bit biased. *no ego trip here*

I love bedtime stories and fairy tales...and this film is just that. There is a children's book, apparently. And the extras on the DVD are interested and funny. Actually the humor in the film is really great...fantastic dialogue, fantastic characters and Paul Giamatti's performance was spectacular! This film was inspirational, the underlying theme being that of purpose...everyone has a purpose. *sigh* Yes, I will buy this film!

3rd.

Title: Night Watch aka Nochnoy Dozor (2004)
Director: Timur Bekmambetov

Basic Plot: Hundred of years ago, the forces of light and darkness faced each other in a very violent battle on a bridge. In order to avoid the total slaughter, their leaders agree to have an armistice. Along the centuries, the two balanced sides are divided and the forces of light watch and control the vampires, a.k.a. as the forces of night. Among the humans lives "The Others", i.e., persons with supernatural powers including witches, sorcerers and vampires and with the free will to choose which side to join. The legend says that the two forces will be unbalanced by "The Great Other", and the side this powerful being selects will win the battle. In 1992, in Moscow, Anton Gorodetsky joins the forces of the light while hiring a witch for a black magic. In the present days, he faces the consequences of his act.

Starring: Konstantin Khabensky, Vladmir Menshov, Maria Poroshina, Galina Tyunina, Mariya Prorshina

My Rating (5 star scale): 4 out of 5
Buying Power: Possibly, when all three movies are out.

My Take: First off, this is a RUSSIAN film, and should be watched in Russian with subtitles. Second, this is the first of 3 movies, Night Watch, then Day Watch...and then I don't know what the third one is. This film is sort of like Underworld, but with less hightech special effects. Actually this is probably the second Russian film I have ever watched, and I had my Russophile friend explain a few things that I found to be a bit confusing.

Anyway, this film deals mainly with the battle between Light and Dark...vampires, witches, and shapeshifters. Any of these can chose to be Light or Dark...which I found interesting. The only gripe I have with this film is the obvious been of compressing they did to the story. The cinematics are spectacular, the special effects pretty cool, and the story lacking since the directors and writers tried to cram so much into nearly 2 hours. I would really like to watch the next film...

One thing, and part of the reason why I gave this film only 4 stars has to so with the lack of chemistry between some of the characters...no real romantic/action relationships between the male and very few female characters. I did not think there was enough back story to explain things the way they should have, etc. I did like the actor who plays Yegor, the young boy, for a child he has some on screen presence. I also wish they could have played a bit more into Olga's character, Tiger Cub, and Svetlana... Ah, well. I will just have wait for the next film?

A land of religious freedom?

2007-01-03T18:50:00.000-05:00

I had read about it earlier in the month, but now that the new term Congress is about to be sworn in there has been some heat about the first Muslim elected to Congress and what he will swearing his oath to office with... Makes sense that Rep. Keith Ellison would swear upon the Quran, doesn't it.

However, the old guard Rep. Goode from Virginia is spouting this shit:

taken from YahooNews...

Last month, Virginia Rep. Virgil Goode, R-Va., warned that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and follow Ellison's lead.

What utter shite! Want to talk about antiquated and downright prejudice?

Rep. Ellison converted to Islam in college, as is his guaranteed right as an American. And as an American, a Muslim American, Rep. Ellison has the right to swear upon the sacred text of his faith.

In a country where religious freedom is celebrated, what right does Rep. Goode have to criticize? It just goes to show that we are still a nation ruled by the so-called old Christian white man, eh?

Also, two Buddhist civil servants are being sworn into office this new term...would Rep. Goode have them swear on Bibles as well? How idiotic, in my humble opinion. If this country had been founded by men who were not of the Christian persuasion, what would Rep. Goode have to swear on? Would he insist, as is his right, that he have a Bible, or would he go against his own faith and swear on something else because it is the so-called traditional thing to do?

Makes me laugh, really. This is no more a Christian nation than it is a Buddhist, Muslim or Hindu nation...

New Year's Eve...and all that comes with it.

2006-12-31T19:24:00.000-05:00

It is unseasonably warm out, although it is raining.

Ah, another year gone. I suppose when one gets older the changing of seasons and years move so quickly that one barely has time to notice. That's how I feel at the moment...lost in the stream and flow of unstoppable time.

I am bored out of my skull, and any semblance of a plan for the New Year is nonexistent. It irks me. I will probably spend another New Year's alone. This is a reoccurring trend, it seems.

No one is fucking returning my calls. I have to wonder why.

I did talk to a friend last night for almost two hours. He mentioned that I have not been invited out because all my friends are male...and they are out to hook up with other women. Apparently I am off limits.

At times like this I wish I did have more girlfriends. But, damnit, I hate women.

Yes, it irks me...incredibly so. So-called friends, eh?

I could hook up with some of the miscreants that proposition me from time to time, online folk who cannot spell to save face. Example: U wanna hok [sic] up? Makes me growl and spit angrily. By the gods why do idiots seem to flock to me? I don't want them, they want me, what I do want does not return my calls...and it goes on and on.

Annoyed is putting it too lightly. I should just quit trying to do anything when it comes to other people. Fuck them all. I am going to gulp down an unhealthy quantity of liquor and watch My Man Godfrey.

Fuck the new year.

Drabble, brabble, labble...

2006-12-31T00:38:00.000-05:00

This is bad...

This is really bad...

She kept saying these words to herself, pacing before the bathroom sink, her fingers laced through her hair. Her ever moving mind had flashes of how silly it all was...it could be so much worse.

She thought she might be in love.

There was a difference between loving someone and being 'in love' with someone. Currently, she was afraid she was 'in love.' Of course, it could be worse...she could love wholly and unabashedly. But no...she would not let herself get that far out of control.

Five years of a stagnant relationship had ended all her notions of finding 'true love,' or anyone who would love her unconditionally. True love did not exist...not to her in her world. Sure, she had been hurt, but she knew after my soul searching that most of her hurt was of her own making.

She was sexually potent...and silly notions of romance belonged only in movies and trashy novels. Love was not predictable and it was fleeting, like much else in life.

But she paced frenetically...she was in love and it was the last thing she wanted to be in at the moment. Besides, the object of her affection, thought and worry had explicitly told her that he could never love her in return.

Futility...all life was situations of futility in her mind. This situation was a perfect case of such.

She was cursing under her breath. She was seriously thinking about committing some horrid act of violence...not toward herself, but toward anyone. Murder would definitely distract her from her feelings of...love.

She retched. A wave of nausea passed through her and she tripped toward the toilet.

Yes...puke and then cry like a baby. Life was so unfair.

She hated him, she honestly hated him for making her feel this way. It wasn't his fault, in truth, but she still hated him with the intensity of a thousand suns. She wanted to hurt him horribly...and maybe he would hate her in return instead of simply act indifferently toward her.
He wasn't returning her sporadic calls. She hadn't seen him for 2 weeks, but she had been thinking about him a little more than what was healthy...

Damnit. This is bad...

Popcorn...I hate you!

2006-12-30T18:12:00.000-05:00

Everyone has had to pry out a popcorn hull from between a tooth and their gums...everyone. Damnit, I am really having a hard time here...prying at my teeth with my fingernails (very unsanitary) and toothbrush and floss...toothpicks...icepicks...anything.

I also realized I growl at people when I drive. Yes...growl. When someone drives a bit too close...when someone cuts in front of me at 70 mph, etc. Interesting.

Also interesting:

Nippon, Bonzai!!!

Movie Reviews...part une.

2006-12-29T00:04:00.000-05:00

Went looking for a film to buy, didn't have it at Blockbuster...ended up renting a few films.

Finally, A Scanner Darkly is out on DVD...and I picked up a German film my sister recced The Princess and the Warrior.

First things first...

A Scanner Darkly.

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr., Woody Harelson and Rory Cochrane...

Basic Plot: The L.A. of a not-too-distant future suffers a surge of drug abuse involving a new ultra-addictive and eventually brain-damaging substance simply named "D". Bob Arctor is an undercover narc leading a double life, dutifully reporting to his superiors while effectively having abandoned whatever normal existence he had for a "D" user/dealer career. But this schizophrenic situation and the drug-induced memory and concentration lapses put Bob under mounting stress. (from IMdB)

This film is based on the novel by one of my favorite authors...Philip K. Dick. Sound familiar? Yep...stories to film include Blade Runner and Minority Report.

MY RATING? 5 out of 5 stars.

WILL BUY? Hell yeah.

This is basically a graphic novel put to film. The actors have been traced over, basically, with a graphic, almost animated filter...much like the commercials on TV about some investment company. If you can get past this new-fangled thing, you'll love the film. Actually, I cannot think of a better way to bring Dick's book to the screen.

The conversation is fantastic, the twists a bit predictable, but good twists. Keanu Reeves kicks ass...and Robery Downey Jr. is once again fantastic. The DVD is not chocked full of extras, but there are two 'Making of...' documentaries...interviews from the 70s with Dick, and commentary with his daughter.

It was also great to see Winona Ryder on screen again. I missed her.

As for The Princess and the Warrior...

German title: Der Krieger und die Kaiserin

Starring: Franka Potente and Benno Furmann...

Basic plot: Young nurse Sissi lives a secluded life, seemingly entirely devoted to her patients at Birkenhof asylum. Her first encounter with ex-soldier and drifter Bodo has a lasting impact. He causes an accident that results in her lying under a truck, unable to breathe. While he provides life-saving first aid, mesmerized Sissi begins to wonder whether he may be the man of her dreams. But when she tracks him down weeks later her affection is rejected, as Bodo is stuck somewhere between a traumatic past and a criminal future. (from IMdB)

My Rating? 4.5 out of 5 stars

Buy? Doubtful

This is a film that is great to watch on occasion, but not so great as to buy and watch repeatedly. The basic plot I copied and pasted really does not convey the sorrow that runs through this film and tugs at the edges of the scabbiest black heart. However, the reason I only gave this film 4 stars has to do with the story itself...it seems too short, as if I am missing something more.

The DVD has deleted scenes, which are amusing. Your basic extras are included.

Benno Furmann is gorgeous...his eyes are amazing...and someone once told me that I look like Franka Potente...but I don't see it.

Franka Potente is also in Run Lola, Run...which I have not seen and have also been told I should.

So, movie reviews. I should write these more often. I used to...reviewed The Last Temptation of Christ, Quills, Blue Velvet and others. I wish I could get the reviews back, but it was only my now deleted MySpace blog...fucking MySpace can suck my arse.

At any rate...off to sleep.

Decompressing

2006-12-28T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well, the holidays are winding down with only New Year's this weekend. I made back to my humble apartment, unpacked...except the new vacuum in the trunk of my car.

The holiday was nice with family, food and...well, that's about it. Christmas as low key, and I actually went to church Sunday morning to hear my dad preach. It has been a long time since I have been to church, but as much as I love my dad and respect his profession, I was not particularly moved by the service. It was a good sermon, but I did not really get anything out of it. That night my parents had a little service, which I attended with my sister and brother-in-law. Finally at home, we opened our presents. I bought my mum an Idiot's Guide to Saudi Arabia...yeah...she keeps asking me about Wahabism (sp?) and I keep telling her that I do not really know, but to wait for Christmas. Fixed that, eh?

We munched on shrimp, cheeseballs and crackers and went to bed...tired.

Mum bought my quite a few clothes, which I needed in a bad way. And...a little stuffed pug...like a beanie baby, but soft and much cuter. *chortle*

Christmas day was just a bunch of laziness all around...dinner and me taking a 6 hour nap while the rest of the family watched football.

My sister and my brother-in-law headed home before we got a bit of snow...she has to work this week. And yesterday, I accompanied my parents to a 'get together' of my father's side of the family at Tamarak (a horrendous structure by the WV turnpike that sells WV made goods...conference center, Greenbriar hotel food court, etc...reminds me of Carousel from Logan's Run... RENEW!!!), where I had my yearly fried green tomato sandwich, keylime pie and overpriced by fantastic mocha latte. I ended up nearly fainting in the place and had to be set down in the food court and force fed chocolate by my aunt. Strange times.

Now...finally home...ready for the New Year and all that entails. I just hope I don't spend New Years alone this time...like I did last time...and the time before that.

*sigh*

Must clean some more, make some phone calls... I am so restless and so...let's just say...naughty, that I really need to decompress and get laid.

Yeah.

Christmas at the folks really put me on edge. I was lonely, bored...but happy since my family WAS all together.

Oh, and Internet...having that back helps... OOOO, new Chad Vader episodes! *disappears*