Sleepless Moments

ugh

2009-11-08T08:34:00.001-08:00

I hate that I was mean to my brother last night.. especially when his wife is mean to him more than she should be. Why did I do that? I know I was stressed and he was interrupting me while I was trying to do my homework. It's just so frustrating... I know better and yet I resorted to bitchiness. At least we were able to talk today and I could explain my frustration a little better.
My brother is a good man and I should work on being more considerate of him.

come by when you're not busy

2009-11-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

and work on my computer issues... for free. Seriously? I'm working full time, going through an accelerated masters program, I have a low grade fever, I'm trying to have a life and fucking people keep on volunteering me for shit. yeah.. not to mention you're dropping by while I'm in the fucking middle of homework that has to be done tonight wondering when I can do this shit. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!!!!!!

Why aren't you with Lori tonight? Cos my stress level is so high I'm about to blow a fucking gasket.. I've seen RHPS 3+ times now and hey.. I have homework due in 30 minutes which now I can't think about because I don't think I told Lori I wasn't going and I'm stressing about everything I have to do.

so the reply is.. ok tell me how to do it. I did tell you.. 3 weeks ago.. obviously you are incapable of doing it. FUCK IT.. I'll come by tomorrow.. no no you're busy is the reply. HUH? then why they fuck are you bothering me??!?!?!?

annoyances

2009-10-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't really posted much.. whatever.. it's a blog and no one reads it but me. There have been issues weighing on my mind lately.. maybe because I'm PMSing.. maybe because I'm just fed the fuck up.. I don't really know.

1.) I was trying to be a friend with an ex.. not like a serious friend because a frankly all the shit he put me through.. there was pretty much no way in hell we could be friends. But I was being friendly.. We chatted a little bit on FB.. whateve... then the ex before me(the one who spit in my coffee when she found out that we were dating and there was nothing she could do to break us up) started trying to get chummy and dragging up all of this past BS that I do not have the time, energy or desire to deal with. So I was just like.. you know what.. I'm gonna remove my posts from his site and if there's anthing I want to talk to him about, I'll just send it to him privately. So 2 days ago he was like.. I saw you took all of your posts off (yeah like 2 months ago dude) and because of that I'm deleting you. OK fine you wanna just delete me without asking why I did what I did.. do it.. obviosuly you weren't really trying to be my friend and I guess you didn't miss my friendship all that much. so long sucka!!

2.) I am so fucking tired of the childish/catty bullshit at work. All of this talking behind each others backs and essentially taking pleasure in others being unhappy. I try every day to lift people up and make sure we all have a great day because I think when people are happy the are more productive, less likely to get sick and frankly just much more of a joy to be around.
So the other day one of our guys got us all a little block of wood with a saying on it and one of the ladies happened to say something that didn't really seem that nice, but for the relationship she has with this guy it was OK. 1 of my coworkers made it a point to go around and tell me and the other lady in the room that she didn't think our mutal coworker was pleased with her gift. AND she was practically giddy when she said it! Undenieably, this lady gets the short end of the stick a lot of times from our coworker.. but really.. taking delight in someone else's misery? Is that what Jesus would do? What ever happened to taking the highroad?
Then I get a call from one of the guys I work with. I work extra hard to build him up because he is always paranoid that he's doing a bad job or going to be getting in trouble. He also was the first person that was legitimately nice to me when I started. He asked me if I had heard anything bad about his performance, like he does about once a week. I tell him no, I haven't. He goes on to tell me that someone that is sleeping with his direct supervisor told him that he was doing a bad job, esentially taking too long and they were having to discount the bill all the time for his customers. This INFURIATED me! a.) even if it were true, this bitch has NO FUCKING BUSINESS bringing this to his attention. It is COMPLETELY unprofessional and unwarranted. It is the responsibility of his supervisor or the service maanger to have that discussion with him and she needs to shut her fucking pie hole. b.) You know what bitch if you weren't so busy tryin to be in other people's bidness MAYBE you wouldn't be over ONE YEAR BEHIND in your paperwork. How many 10s of thousands of dollars are we going to lose because of YOU and your stupid ass is still here?! C.) (and most importantly) Just because you're unhappy with your life.. does not give you the right to take it out on someone else. If it's that bad.. then maybe it's time you make a change.

that is all

Why is it that..

2009-01-04T08:39:00.001-08:00

Every time I try to blog someone comes up behind me and is like... ooo whatcha doin? totally disrupts my concentration and I feel a little....over exposed? I suppose it shouldn't bother me.. i mean.. it woudn't bother me if they came to my blog and read it after I had finished.. but to watch me type the words I start feeling uneasy.. like this is a big secret and they are ruining it.

Hatin on tribute bands

2008-09-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

My last stop friday night was to go see my friend and former boss play drums at Brewskeez in O'Fallon, MO. He has a newly formed 90's cover band named Flannel, and we were all there to show Joe Spink some love.
Flannel actually sounded pretty good.. I was pleasantly surprised. :)
They broke down their equipment and the opening act took the stage.. and here's where the night turned surreal.
The opening act was a Van Halen tribute band named "Mean Street." These guys were hard core.. they must have spent years studying moves, looks, and sounds. They wanted to be Van Halen.... and the crowd loved them for it.
I have no idea why a person would wake up one day and think.. I want to pretend to be David Lee Roth.... and just run with it. On top of that how do you find a guy that wants to pretend to be Eddie Van Halen (ok that one is probably easier).. and uhh whoever else was in the band?
Honestly.. other than being too loud ( I may have permanent hearing loss).. they were actually pretty good too.. I'm not hatin on 'em because they suck... I'm not hatin on 'em because I don't like Van Halen.. this goes out to all of the impersonators around the world..I'm hatin on 'em because instead of making their own music or even just being some guys that like to cover Van Halen.. they are trying to BE Van Halen.

Rules of the Ballet

2008-07-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

So, a couple of months ago my sister in law, always trying to enrich her life with new cultural activities says to me " I have never been to see a ballet and I would really like to go, is that something that you would be interested in?" I said, well.. I've never been to a ballet either and I would be willing to check it out... what's showing? Sleeping Beauty? Oh that should be a good simple story. Should you bring your 7 year old.. hmmm.. noooo I think the ballet might be a little too grown up for her yet.. even if it is sleeping beauty.

a few days before it's time to go, I get a call from my sister in law... she has to work and won't be able to make the ballet. She's going to check with her friend to see if she wants to go with me and will call me back the following day... I don't hear from her, and I get really busy at work so it doesn't even cross my mind again.

The day of the ballet, I learn her friend does not want to go.. so my choices are try to find someone interested in the ballet or go by myself.. because I would feel bad wasting both tickets. I start calling and texting people.. mostly I get laughed at for the mere mention that they might be interested in losing 3 hours of their lives to a ballet... even if it is a sunday matinee. So I get ready and decide I have no choice but to go it alone.

First rule of the Ballet: Dont ask guys to go with you.. you will only be mocked and possibly cursed at.

what does one wear to the ballet I wonder? Is it a formal experience? bah, black dress pants and a button down shirt ought to do the trick. Make up? who exactly am I trying to impress.. I'm going alone. Since I have to wear shoes, it will be my usual sandals. 2:30 already? I gotta go!

I race myself off to the Edison theater at Washington University. Not quite sure of where I'm going, I follow the herd of women in dresses walking hand in hand with their daughters ranging in ages of 4-16.

Second Rule of the Ballet: apparently you should wear a pretty dress, not that wearing slacks will keep you out of the ballet.

I get in and to my seat with minutes before what was supposed to be first curtain. My seats ( I had 2 since I went alone of course) were actually pretty good. center stage, about 8 rows back. I texted friends to occupy my time while waiting to be entertained.15 minutes later it's show time.

Third Rule of the Ballet: don't expect it to start on time, you should have something to do while you wait.

So the show starts and there's dancing.. and more dancing.. and more dancing. hmmm.. why aren't they saying anything? is someone going to sing the story to me..maybe a voice over? no.. it's 3 hours of dancing (with 2-20 minute intermissions making it more like 2hrs and 20 minutes of dancing)

Fourth Rule of the Ballet: don't expect any dialog, read your playbook before the lights go out to follow the story.

after the second intermission, the little girl behind me started getting antsy and kicking my chair (hey I'm antsy too.. don't take it out on me). The mother told her to stop it once, the little girl did not stop and the mother didn't correct her.

Fifth Rule of the Ballet: Don't expect good parenting skills from your fellow audience members

conclusion: it was a long day ending in a headache and strong desire to sleep the whole thing away. Don't get me wrong, I recognized the beauty and difficulty in what the dancers were doing, and I did appreciate it on some levels.. I just think I don't know enough about ballet to appreciate it for what it was.

things that I don't say

2008-06-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

the things I don't say could fill a bottomless pit.

the bosses wife.. "if you're busy, I want you to tell me no", one of the few times I actually do tell her no.. "well, I really want to do this and it will only take a minute" .. what I want to say... then why the fuck do you tell me to tell you no.. nothing EVER takes "just a minute".. obviously you want me to say yessa bossa.. I can do it

or there's the "let's get the testing rooms ready.. we really need to move forward on that" what I say.. absolutely, we need to complete the contract do you still have that? she says "yes, lets meet to talk about it" what I don't say.. shit! exactly how many times do we have to talk about the same thing and get no resolution.. we keep going in the same circle and it's a complete waste of my time. Just sign the damn contract and I can do the rest.

then there is the guy... I tell him I think things are moving to fast and I need him to go slow.. he's pressuring me... he says whatever you need. so we're hanging out, he says.."tell me you love me" or "lets have a baby" and I'm like.. huh??? so I say "I don't want a baby and how is this going slow" what I dont say is fuck dude why can't you be a fucking man. Do I look like I want to have a baby.. I certainly don't fucking love you.. you want me to lie to you? Stop fucking pressuring me and while you're at it, stop fucking calling me.

Why don't I ever say what's really on my mind? is it my incessant need to please? am I afraid I wont be liked? is it to avoid conflict? is it because I feel like what's bothering me won't matter in 20 minutes so why worry about it? I just don't know

Meeting Hell

2008-04-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

since Steve is leaving, I've been .. uh.. drafted... to chair the meetings... which I don't mind. but WHY do WEEKLY service meetings have to last 2 flippin hours?! get em in, get em out.. that's what I say

The day the earth shook

2008-04-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

no pictures today, actually no pictures for awhile.. where has my creative spirit gone?

5.2 quake this morning and I thought I yelled at the dog thinking she was shaking the bed. 4.5 quake aftershock. The biggest quakes we've had around here.. I'm attributing it to the sadness of Steve and Paul announcing they are leaving me to be the last nerd.

Who will understand my nerd laugh now?

The gift that keeps on giving

2007-12-25T18:51:00.001-08:00

so, Christmas eve we find out my adorable not yet 15 year old niece is 6 months pregnant. She wouldn't take off her jacket in order to camouflage her belly. There just are no words....

The Fog

2007-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

I've been getting home later and later from work these days. 2 nights ago we had this crazy thick fog. This was the view walking up the back porch.