Into the Depths

Cardboard Testimonies

2008-07-17T13:33:00.003-05:00

I saw this video on another blog and it is really powerful, I think you will enjoy! While you're at it with the whole open and real thing, check out this post!

'Insert Blog Title Here'

2008-07-16T16:39:00.008-05:00

Let me just start by giving a huge congrats out to the A.L. for their twelfth straight win in the All Star Game!! Way to go boys! (if you have no idea what the A.L. is, or the All Star Game for that matter, well then please disregard.)

So, baseball....Blayne ended up second in his division. We went into the championship pretty confident but our boys forgot they knew how to play baseball and got spanked something awful. But second place in a National Championship isn't half bad. The team Brayton played with, well we won't go there. :-)

It's over. At least until late August, that is. What I will fill my nights up with for the next month I am not entirely sure, but I bet I will come up with something!

Today is Blayne's 11th birthday. That is very hard to stomach, I am getting old fast. I got him this and something close to this and these. You don't really get how funny the elmo shoes are unless you know my sister's and me. For twelve and half years we have had very strict rules. 'No character clothes' was near the top. But Blayne is Blayne. Blayne loves anything that makes people laugh or shocks the daylights out of them. So on the cusp of his 11th, he has decided he loves Elmo. He even had people shouting 'go elmo' as he rounded the bases last week. He's a funny, yet ever so strange, boy.

Happy birthday Blayne!!

Nationals Day One

2008-07-07T13:02:00.003-05:00

Blayne had some not so good hits, but this one was a really good one! They lost both games but they all played great so we couldn't be too upset that we didn't pull out the wins. This is an open tournament so there are teams up to four classifications ahead of us that we will be facing all week. So, that makes a 14-1 loss understandable and a 3-2 loss actually exciting!

Fireworks, Baseball, Softball and Therapy...All I Can Ask For!

2008-07-04T16:04:00.009-05:00

(you never really know just how much of a hick you are until you hear yourself on a video that you didn't mean to talk on.)

I took Casta and Natalee to Kaboom Town in Addison last night. They have amazing fireworks and you are able to sit directly across the street from the airport where they shoot them off. If the 'boom' isn't loud enough to rattle my chest than I feel I'm too far from the action!! It was good times.

(I totally did all the beading on these flip flops, who knew I could be crafty!)

Blayne is playing a Nationals tournament in Flower Mound this week. Brayton went to Blayne's scrimmage this past Tuesday and another team was practicing and asked if he wanted to join in. He did, of course. Long story short, he is now playing in their Nationals tournament with them this week in DeSoto. Great for his confidence, bad for conflicting schedules! So, I got Cas and Nattie last night, they'll have to stay with a sitter while I work Monday and Tuesday, but I took the rest of the week off for the tournaments so I'm keeping the girls for 10 days. Busy, busy, busy vacation. :) You know I'd have it no other way. At least my feet are ready!!

So, I've set an appointment with a new therapist for Monday. I figure it has probably been a long enough break on autopilot and I need to get down to business and get some work done on myself. Am I nervous, of course. Terrified even. But, it's time. I get as weary of drifting through life merely existing as I do of dealing with the hard stuff for any significant amount of time.

I may have forgotten to mention that I joined a coed softball team. Well, I did. I stink at it but I absolutely love playing. We are 0-2 but I think for the most part we are all having a great time despite that. I think I kinda look like I know what I'm doing even though at the moment my brain is thinking only the following: "Please don't strike out, please don't strike out." And so far, I only have once. :-)

Unfaithful

2008-06-23T17:42:00.002-05:00

I am an unfaithful blogger. :-o

I know, I know, it is shameful.

Baseball is winding down. We have nationals in Flower Mound in a couple of weeks and then we are done until the fall. I, however, joined a coed softball team and our season has just begun. :) I love it. I'm not very good but it gets me off the couch and that has to count for something!

I am still awol at church. I don't even know exactly why. It is like I can't pinpoint exactly what my problem is. My relationship with Christ is not what it was a year ago today, but I don't feel particularly distant from Him. There was just all this drama and whilst I know it is certainly not a good excuse, I just felt like I needed a break from it.

I know you can't find a church without the mess because church is full of humanity which is nothing short of messy. I just grew weary with it, I guess. I hate gossip. Literally hate it. I am from the camp who believes that if you are willing to talk to me about so and so, well then you are just as willing to talk with so and so about me. Thus, I abhor it. Yet, I am not always courageous enough to stand up to that and tell whomever is speaking at any given time that I don't want to hear what they have to spew. So, inevitably my feelings toward people become skewed by what others say. I hate that.

I feel like I'm rambling which I prefer not to do, but it is just coming out that way, sorry. The three women I considered myself close to have all left the church for others. That isn't a good enough reason for me to leave. Fact of the matter is, I love what my church stands for. My views toward the church family, however, have been skewed. And since I am considering moving toward the end of the summer, part of me thinks perhaps I should start visiting other churches.

I really don't want to, though. I truly do love what my church is all about. I love our message, our mission statement if you will. And yet, I haven't stepped foot inside the doors in nearly four months. I feel completely disconnected. Those whom I had forged relationship with have moved on. What to do what to do.

Ok, now I really am rambling.

I suppose I'll go home from work now. Take care all.

Proud of the Pride

2008-05-12T12:18:00.003-05:00

Brayton's team has had a rough season. We lost all three games in the opening tournament, and we've gone 1-7 in league play. For those of you who don't know baseball, that isn't good. Basically, we'd won 1 game out of 11 and that was a month and a half ago.

So needless to say that our first win on Saturday was a high. Our second game we played a team that is actually in our own league who had already beat us twice.....we tied 4-4.

Going into Sunday we all hoped for the best but didn't necessarily expect it. We were barely awake in the first game and only pulled out a win by bringing in two runs in the very last inning to put us up 7-6. It was scary.

Game number two; the team from our league that we tied the day before. Our boys were on fire! We whooped them 16-6. Then we headed into the 'ship.' I don't know if it was something in their lunch that woke those boys up or what but they were not going home with anything less than first place. We beat that team 13-5 and became the tournament champions...and took our record to 5-1-10. It was awesome!!

I'm hoarse...which makes answering the phone today at work a bit of a challenge. And I am so sunburned that I already have actual blisters on my shoulder.

But it was all worth it.

Way to go Brayton, you rock!

The Oddity of Grief

2008-04-11T19:17:00.006-05:00

Have I ever mentioned that I'm odd?

I figured so.

I have been reading a lot of blogs recently that I sometimes wonder why I read. Blogs by women who have lost children either at or shortly following their births. Most of them are older stories, but one was just this week. The depth of this woman's faith astounds me. I spent so much of my life overwhelmed by my own ignorant anger at God. I can't imagine, four days after saying goodbye to my child, thanking the Father for His blessings of time with her. I can imagine it now, years later, but right there in the depths of grief....

As I sit at my desk at work, an hour and a half after I should've gone home, to my empty house, I am crying uncontrollably as I grieve the losses shared with so many women. It's been ages for me, you'd think I'd be done mourning. October 4, 1996 and March 18, 2000. I feel I have to cling to those dates because it really is all I have to remember of my two precious babies. And yet, I still feel, when reading those blogs, that I shouldn't be so sad. My story's so different. I didn't carry either child to term. I never saw their bodies, their faces, smelled their hair. They were with me such a short time.

Probably that stems from guilt I refuse to let go of. That the first of my children was sent to Heaven by my own hand.

And I know better. I know that my bad decision doesn't negate my grief. I know that the loss of my second child wasn't punishment for the first. I know that my Father has forgiven me. Yet I weep. I weep for what could have been.

I weep for the women who know my pain. Who know my pain on what is probably a far grander scale. They held their precious babies in their arms. Then had to say goodbye. I so wish I could lessen their pain.

My life is full of children, literally full. And yet my arms are empty. Never has my chest known the feeling of the infants whose heads should've laid there. My eyes never beheld tiny versions of myself. My ears never heard the sounds of their 'belly laughs' or shrieks of pain from a skinned knee. And my heart aches at the absence of it all. At the emptiness.

I don't know that the longing will ever go away. It seems unnatural to me to be a 32 year old woman with no living children. Since a young girl I couldn't wait to be a mother.

Questions no one can answer. So whilst I know the Lord has a plan, and I know for a fact and believe that with all that I am that His will for me is so much better than anything I could dream up for myself, still, tonight, I weep.

Baseball is Back with a Vengeance!!!

2008-04-03T17:38:00.003-05:00

This was directly following the Roaring Rapids ;)

I am ecstatic to say that baseball season is back in full swing. We had the opening day parade last Saturday and have already had two games since and a third tonight!! I love it. :)

I took Blayne and the older twins to Six Flags last Sat after Mayson's ball game. Thursday was the twins sixth birthday so I took them for their first adventure at Six Flags and they were champs. Even rode a big roller coaster. Well it is the smallest of the big ones, but the only one they are tall enough for!! We had a blast.

I have missed church a ton lately first because of my back and now because of baseball tournaments and the like. It is very strange to me because I don't really want to go. I really don't feel at odds with God, a little distant perhaps, but not even wholly disconnected. It is a new feeling for me. I don't really know how to explain it, maybe I will ponder it some more before trying to let you in on it.

Anyway, my niece has just called to let me know how she is doing on Guitar Hero, so I guess I better run.

Birthday with the Stars

2008-03-10T11:36:00.004-05:00

My boss gave me tickets to the Dallas Stars for my birthday and let me tell ya, it was a blast! He has given me tickets before but not seats like these! There is something about hockey that just gets my adrenaline pumping. I think it's men slamming the crud out of each other at every possible opportunity. Though I would never condone fighting :-) there were a couple of jaw dropping punch fests. To top it all off, we won! Two of my sisters and my friend Michelle all went with me and we really did have a great time.

Outside the AA center there is a plaza called Victory Park and that is where our local ABC station does their news cast. This picture is the girls standing in front of their studios. Mike Modano was going to be there for the sports special but sadly we had to get home since it was a work/school night. We're old, what can I say.

My brother-in-law watched his five and Rachael's one last night and this is what the girls found when they got home.

Yes, that is all four of the boys sharing a twin size bed. I guess the twins opted for their own bed, very wise!

Baseball Woes And Other Such Things

2008-03-03T12:18:00.005-06:00

Blaise Pascal

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."

How do you like that? Well I don't like it but I think it's mostly true. Perhaps it isn't always done as cheerfully as the quote presumes but it's done just the same.

Anyway, on to lighter subjects. We lost our first tournament of the season. :-( And Blayne is definitely not the 'star' of the team this year. This is a whole new ballgame for us. Definitely not like the rec ball he's used to playing. I am hoping he will improve as the season progresses but that may be hard since they just keep switching he and another boy at right field. I think that is pretty frustrating for him. He has always played pitcher, first base and catcher. Being the bench warmer is a little hard to swallow. If nothing else perhaps he will learn a little humility this season. My hope is that it doesn't provide too much discouragement but instead makes him a more skilled, less boastful player. We'll see.

He has a good friend who lives across the street from him whose sixteen year old sister was killed by a drunk driver last Saturday night. Her name was Kindel. You might keep the Smith family in your prayers as they are understandably devastated right now. I can't even fathom the pain they are enduring. They are an unchurched family and whether they know Jesus at all I am not sure. This crisis would be near impossible to go through with Christ's help, I can't imagine trying to do so without Him. Anyway, pray for them, please.

Our next tournament is in two weeks and both Blayne and Brayton will play. I can't wait! Have a great day all!!

Happy Valentine's Day to Me

2008-02-15T17:32:00.003-06:00

He may only be five, but he knows how to treat a lady. Ok, well sort of anyway. This is the present he picked out for me. We had dinner at the lovely IHop. It just so happens to be our favorite hangout. Before hand his mommy had tucked some money away in his pocket so that when the ticket came he was able to say 'I get to pay it' and he paid for himself and his two valentines. It was hilarious.

He got an orange teddy bear hamster as his valentines present. Don't worry, it was his mom's idea. And we are all so very creative that he is named 'Valentine.'

It is almost 6 p.m. on Friday which means I am soon going to get to leave this stinkin' office and not come back for two whole days! Hooray! I had to be here at 7:15 this morning to go to a meeting in North Dallas so it has been a looooong day. I'm done with it.

I have Cas and Nattie this weekend but it's supposed to be crummy weather so I suppose that besides church we will be sitting in the warmth of my home playing Guitar Hero all weekend. I sure do love me some Guitar Hero. Cas has been practicing so she is becoming quite fun to play with. Natalee still doesn't have a clue but she thinks she's rocking out!

Have a great weekend everyone!

This Was Actually Quite Fun

2008-02-13T17:47:00.003-06:00

1)Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take a picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the html)

1. The age you will be on your next birthday? 32...

2. A place you'd like to travel to?

3. Your favorite place?

4. Your favorite object?

5. Your favorite food?

6. Your favorite animal? None...

7. Your favorite color?

8. The town in which you were born? Ft. Worth, Texas...

9. The town in which you live? Ft. Worth, Texas

10. The name of a past pet? Pumpkin....surprisingly looked just like this one...

11. The first name of a recent/past boyfriend/girlfriend? Tim...

12. Your middle name?

13. A bad habit of yours?

14. Your first job?

15. Your favorite store?

16. Something you hate?

17. Your name?

18. Favorite Drink?

19. Addicted to?

Baseball Fever

2008-02-11T17:57:00.000-06:00

It's almost here. I can barely breathe I am so overwhelmed with anticipation!!

It's Baseball Time! :-)

Blayne (10) made an eleven year old select team and Brayton (7) made an eight year old select time. I am stoked. The one problem I may struggle with this season is that since they are both playing up and both on select teams, it is highly probable that they will not be the best player on their respective teams. That will take some getting used to for me. Seeing them sit on the bench or strike out or not get homeruns 98% of their at bats will be very new for us. But I can't wait just the same. Mayson is only five so he will of course just play T-Ball on a rec team.

The good news, Mayson and Rachael moved to Midlothian so that was, up until last week, going to make baseball season far less hectic because they'd all be in one spot.

The bad news, select teams travel. So, Mayson will play at Midlothian but the other two boys will be in a different town for each game or tournament.

More good news, if Blayne's team makes Nationals they will be in Arkansas, I know that excites one of my readers.....at least it better. ;-)

Gotta go home now.

Remember to continue praying for Ashley, they are still searching for the cause of whatever has sent her back to such a critical state. Their family really needs our prayer support.

Ashley

2008-02-08T17:43:00.000-06:00

If you are the praying sort please lift up Ashley Adams today. If you aren't the praying sort, go read her story and I think you will be encouraged to try it, at least. She is struggling for her life right now. I can't imagine what her parents must be feeling but I know they could use the strength that comes from fellow Christians banding together in prayer for their family.

Breathing

2008-01-07T21:47:00.000-06:00

by Lifehouse

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in to the arms of grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off of me

One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

'Cause I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground

I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I've Got Nothing To Say

2008-01-07T20:43:00.001-06:00

Those presents that totally don't match are so not mine!!!

I wish that I had something to say. I don't. I'm kind of blah these days.

Since I pinched the nerve in my back my life has slowed down quite a bit. I've missed a ton of church and have really just gone to work and then right back to laying on the couch or in the bed. That opens the door for apathy which opens the door for depression. Maybe that is why people with chronic pain tend to experience depression. When you're in pain it is all you think about. Everything else just fades away.

The good news is that it is slowly getting better. I originally read that you should give a herniated disc 6-12 weeks before considering surgery....so good news, it's been six weeks and I'm beginning to see a reduction in pain. Hooray!

Seriously, could this post be less interesting??

I'm considering dating.....not sure how since I seldom go anywhere that I would meet someone, online maybe....don't know. But it will be two years in April since I took my dating sabbatical and since I am quickly getting older, well you know. I am healthier than I have ever been mentally and emotionally, am I ready to jump back into the real world yet, though, not sure.

OK I give up on having anything interesting to say. Sorry. At least there are a couple cute pictures, right?

Prepared and Ready

2007-12-13T22:29:00.001-06:00

Tree's up, presents bought and wrapped, I think I'm ready. In spite of a pinched sciatic nerve that I thought for sure was going to be the death of me, this has been a great holiday season thus far.

Seriously, if you've never pinched a nerve than you should, at all costs, avoid doing so. If you have, well then, I feel for you. Miserable and excruciating pain is about the best way I can explain it. Luckily the pain has become tolerable though I would be quite grateful if it would go ahead and go away altogether. My foot went to sleep two and a half weeks ago, still hasn't woken up. It's a mess.

But regardless, I got into the Christmas spirit early this year. My tree was up two weeks before Thanksgiving. Perhaps I subconsciously knew that I would be bed ridden the week following turkey day so I got all the decor done early. Who knows. I couldn't even do my yearly ritual of shopping for fifteen straight hours the day after Thanksgiving. I did manage to get a couple of hours in but since then it's been all hit and miss. I am happy to report that the last gifts were bought and wrapped this evening and I am done and happily not returning to a mall until well after Christmas.

Well, bed time. Take care and I hope this season finds you and your family well and at peace. May His hope invade your hearts and fill your lives with joy as you prepare to celebrate Christ's birth this year. :o)

Another Overdue Update

2007-11-20T22:18:00.001-06:00

It's pretty sad that today is the first time in at least a week that I've been to my own blog!

I have trouble coming up with something to say when I'm near the computer and trouble getting to a computer when I have something to say.....details.

So it's almost Thanksgiving and I admit I am not the tiniest bit excited about it, dreading it really. There has already been family chaos over this years festivities and I would much rather just opt out. That, of course, is not an option, though.

We are doing "The Twelve Steps: A Spiritual Journey" in our Sat. women's group. Basically, the twelve steps rewritten with all the Christian vernacular included, rather than the 'anonymous' way that God is referred to in the original. The leader calls it 'the Christian life for dummies' and she is actually quite right. As we've worked through the first several steps I've found myself applying the principles throughout the day with issues that cause annoyance, frustration and worry. Admitting that in and of myself I am powerless, recognizing God's rightful place as Lord of my life and that only He has the power to restore me to sanity.....because anytime we are walking outside of His will we are, in essence, behaving insanely....and being willing to submit my will to His authority. It's good stuff.

Anyway, we are on step four now, and can I just say, it bites. "We took a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves." If you are thinking 'ouch' you would be exactly right. It's almost funny how much I've clung to my delusion that I am not an angry person. I began making a rough draft list of people I hold resentment toward, I was over thirty within fifteen minutes. Apparently I resent everyone I meet. :-) Sad as it sounds, I am still having trouble moving out of my denial.....'anger' is just such an ugly word to me, profanity almost.

That's all I've got for now, not much to say, I warned you!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

What a Mess

2007-10-15T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a mess. Not a mess in the way I once was a mess, just a minor mess rather than a catastrophe on legs.

Someone asked me today how my life was going and I said it was 'fine and dandy,' to which they replied, "There was a time when I never thought I would hear you say something like that." And that is quite true. I am in all actuality a different person than I was a year ago today. God amazes me, I will say that. I thought for a very, very long time that I was completely hopeless. Now hope is my lifeline. I should have that tattooed somewhere.....I wonder where I could put that. Hmmm, maybe a Chinese symbol for hope or something......

Anyway, I am a bit of a mess right now and I think because I've been in such bad places, emotionally speaking, that it is hard for me to really look into what is going on because I want to blow it off as not being that big of a deal. I know better though. It is a big deal and if I ignore it then I will simply progress(or the opposite thereof) to a place where the mess is much bigger.

I feel like I'm talking in circles again.

I am once again without a life group. I can't go into all the details as they involve others but there was an issue....an indiscretion, not involving me but it affected the entire group. So, there are four people directly affected who have been asked to find new life groups and while I am not one of them, my connection to that group is one of them. This sounds strange but just know that it was probably the best decision for most involved, as far as those four no longer being a part. Anyway....I think I'm done with life groups for now. I'm not being defeated about it I just don't really fit in any of the groups we currently have so I'm going to just wait and see what new ones pop up.

We have a new woman's group at my church on Saturday mornings.....at 8 am. While that morning thing is a huge issue, I still really want to be a part of it. So, while it was still dark outside this past Saturday, I got my rear out of bed and went, and I liked it, a lot. I talked....without being called on. I actually volunteered information in a room of 38 women including the woman you will remember from life group number one. It was crazy. So I guess there will be no more sleeping in for me. It's being called a 'life transformation' group....who wouldn't want to be a part. :)

Here's why I'm pretty much a mess. Firstly, because everything in my life still seems to revolve around extremes. I eat everything or eat nothing. I spend way too much until I can't pay my bills, then in an effort to recover I spend nothing extra which causes me to panic so I go spend too much again. If I'm going to date we're going to sleep together....so I have given up on dating, it's been over a year now. These are not healthy behaviors for anyone who may be wondering, though I have no idea why I do them or how to fix them. But as I saw my paycheck for this week and my heart sank as I tried to figure out how on earth I will pay last months bills plus this months bills when there isn't even enough for one of the two.....well let's just say I am beginning to see that my life is becoming unmanageable. But how do I fix it if I don't even know why I do it....yeah I don't know either.

And then there's my mom.............I don't even know where to start. Did I mention she had been in the hospital for a couple of months back in May and June? I can't remember so I'll go check, please hold

****Insert cheesy elevator music here****

I did mention it. So you already know that. Well, we had two unpleasant visits and I haven't seen or spoken to her since the last one, in June. The first visit she was talking about my brother and that his wife was seeking a divorce and full custody of the baby. My response was that at least that way we would know that she(the baby) would be safe from him. To which she replied, "That's just it, Stephanie, I don't think he did it." So, all that progress we had made, the conversations where she had said she had believed my sisters and I and simply didn't know what to do, the ones where she had so sincerely apologized......that was all crap. So during the second visit when she told me she wished I wouldn't take diet pills I told her I didn't care. Not rudely, just matter of fact. I simply didn't care one way or the other what her opinion was on the matter. She couldn't believe that and let me know that she cares about what I think on everything. :) (Can you see how well this conversation was going?) So I told her I didn't believe her and she got offended and said "So you think I just lie to you?" I said that I think she has a habit of telling people what she thinks they want to hear in any given situation.

Then I stopped. And I told her that is exactly why I didn't like to go and see her. Because all we do is argue. She said she didn't know what she could say to me since I think everything she says is a lie....no manipulation there. So I told her good bye and walked out. THE END.

She let my sister know the other day that her son was a mistake and a sin(he's five and was conceived outside of marriage) and also reminded her that God is, in fact, a punishing God.

It's hard to understand why my brain is so screwy, isn't it. ;)

Nothing Really

2007-09-23T23:22:00.001-05:00

It occurs to me this evening that there is not another soul in this world that I would be ok with falling apart in front of.

That's sad.

Ok, Finally, I'm Updated

2007-09-18T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well.....it seems like there just isn't enough time in the day anymore. I planned all afternoon on doing this, but there was always something else to get done. So here we are, 11:15, and I am just starting. I will, one day, go to bed at a decent hour. It seems that it doesn't matter what I do, nap or no nap, I can't get my body in bed before midnight, which of course means that I am NEVER on time to work. Details.....

Alright, update on me, hmmm. Where did we leave off. I have no idea. I should have read that first. My bad. Let's see. I am going to a new life group. Have been for about a month and a half now. I like it, like the people, like the way it's done. I feel a little out of place seeing as how there are about seven married couples and me. But what do you do. Other than that one fact I really am enjoying it and I at least see the possibility for some quality friendships there, so I suppose it's worth the bit of discomfort I experience.

My Sunday morning group has been going through "Search for Significance" which to me is a little....well I guess it's just too familiar to me. I don't live it very well, by any stretch of the imagination. I think it is hard, though, to make things so known somehow become real and new. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I think what I am trying to say is that it is hard for me to really get inside myself and apply those truths because I probably, on some unconscious level, tucked them away as 'too good to be true' when I first learned them fifteen years ago.

Anyway, I am also doing a group study on Wednesdays called "Every Woman's Battle." Whether your married or single, that is a darn good book and I encourage you to read it and do the study. I am doing it with ladies from another church and I am hoping that when we finish our Sunday morning study that we can do this one together. I think I would get more out of it in that setting as I'm comfortable with these ladies and the group is a lot smaller. And so far what I've shared with each of them from this study, I think we will all benefit from doing it.

Well, like I mentioned, baseball has started again, which I know you know excites me to no end. I don't know what it is, but I absolutely love watching those kiddos play. Fall ball is a really short season, only about a month to go, but it keeps me going till the spring. :)

Work is work, as usual, I still don't date so there's nothing there. I could probably get into the whole mother deal but I think that will best be served as a blog of it's own.

Oh yeah, and my mattresses are crap. :) I ordered new ones almost three weeks ago and they STILL aren't here. I am starting to get annoyed. It got to the point that I could barely stand up in the morning, so I have been sleeping on the couch since the end of August. I can't wait until the new ones come.

And I'm on a diet. Which bites. I have lost 25 pounds so far, that's good. But I really hate eating food that isn't bad for me. It just isn't any fun at all. And seriously, doing this for fifty more pounds may just kill me.

Personally speaking, I'm in a strange place. Not bad at all, but not necessarily good. I think I am quite detached to be perfectly honest. It's like if something happens in my life that I don't want to deal with, well, I just don't. I just set it aside and keep right on moving. It's like the cabinet in your kitchen where you throw all the mail. Or that one closet where everything gets shoved. I think that's what my insides look like. I have a new favorite show, Saving Grace. I think that the way that woman is on the outside, I wonder if perhaps that's me on the inside. Ok too deep.

I guess that will do for now. Surely that is more than enough knowledge on the drivel that makes up my day to day. That sounds bad, it isn't. The plain, the uneventful, I am actually liking that right now. More to come soon!!

Update

2007-09-13T23:06:00.001-05:00

Ok, update coming soon, I promise!! I just used that title to make you read this. :) Seriously though, soon. You know how I was going to blog more because baseball was finally over....well, fall ball started last week. OOPS! Soon, really.

The Way She Feels

2007-07-24T21:14:00.001-05:00

The video up there is a song by "Between the Trees." While possibly a bit disturbing to some, it is not only a beautiful song, but also an all to realistic one today. The organization where I found this video amazes me. I'm thankful that things like this are beginning to evolve as I know how necessary they are. My hope is that my scars may one day be the key to another's healing. I got new tattoos on my wrists a couple of months ago. Strange to some, I know. I, however, had a specific purpose in mind. I wish that you could read them better, but getting a good picture of a wrist indoors on a camera phone is apparently not that simple. Anyway, I put 'mercy' on my scarred arm as a reminder and testimony of all that I do actually deserve that God's mercy has saved me from. I put 'grace' on my arm that is scar free to show the clean slate that Christ's grace has given me despite how very little I deserve it. Simple, yes, the gospel laid out on my arms, yes. So, call me crazy, I thought it was a good idea. :)

"We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding." Don Miller

Lot's of Time, Little To Say

2007-07-22T16:27:00.000-05:00

So this is what I've been doing almost nonstop since April. Going to Baseball. These pictures are from Brayton's Allstar team(yes, he is the one on the far left sticking his hip out like he's something sassy!) I'm sad that he is, after three and a half years, done with T-Ball. I love coach pitch though, so I guess I will live.

I am learning that it is very hard to get back into the habit of blogging. After doing it near daily for a year, this long hiatus has all but removed it from my consciousness completely. Where to begin. I just finished up my Thursday night class and the Beth Moore study I was doing on Sunday. The girls I meet with Sunday mornings and I will be starting a new study the first week of August. My schedule has gone from serious overdrive to near nothing in a weeks time. I don't know what is going to happen with my life group yet. I have been cleared to go ahead and find a new group, but the thought of that makes me so sad. Not to mention the fact that I do have to let the current leader know that I am leaving and why.....hello, I don't do confrontation.

So, really that is about all that is happening at the current. It is July which means birthday month. Six of the twelve kiddos are July babies. But this year we got smart and had their party on July 4th so that we just had to worry about the one get together! My mother has been in a rehab hospital for the past two months. She is on an experimental new drug that they hope will reverse some of the nerve damage to give her some mobility. However, after two months she can only move her feet a little, so I am not sure how promising this treatment looks to be. My last two visits have not been great for our relationship, so as is my norm, I am avoiding thinking about it.

Sadly that is all I've got. Not much excitement in three months. Sorry. :)

Neglected

2007-07-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

My blog has been seriously neglected, sorry. The good/bad news is baseball is finally, as of last night, over for the season. Brayton ended up fifth in the region. We were really hoping to be in the top three so we could go to state but it just didn't happen for us. Oh well, maybe next year.

So, point is, hopefully I will have at least a little more time to devote to catching up the blogosphere. :)