Still Adrift

The End of my First 365

2009-07-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I started my first 365 photo project, which was taking one photo a day. Didn't matter what, just taking a photo.

I am proud to say that I have finished that project, complete with 365 photos. I really enjoyed taking part in it and am very glad that I finished and didn't miss any. I think when I started the project I was hoping to gain more photography knowledge and become better, but I am not sure it happened.

Dz taught me about ISO, which has been very helpful and I think that a lot of my pictures are better because I have a better understanding of ISO. Mind you, I can't tell you what it means or how it works...or even why... BUT I do know that if you can, you usually want to shoot at 100/200 ISO for good light and then turn the ISO up when the lighting gets worse. (If I am wrong, I am sure dz will correct me). After learning this tid bit, I went from using 800 and 1600 ISO to using 400 most of the time. Because of that my pictures came out less grainy, which in turn, helped them come out better.

I still have miles to go in learning photography, but I think while doing this project I have come up with some of my best shots as of yet and some definite favorites (which is to say they are my favorites, not necessarily the best or even good). Overall I am happy with how the project turned out and I think I will miss it.

So now, I will go on to finish my Year of Me 365 project...still have a few months left on that one.

Click below to see the pics...

Father's Day Weekend

2009-06-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was very bittersweet for me. It was awesome to make it home and visit with my parents, it is always something I look forward to. The familiar house, the familiar bed. When I am there, it's so routine like I never left. And I got to do what I wanted, which was visit my mom for Mother's Day and then visit my dad for Father's Day. Though, everytime I visit, it seems to get harder and harder for me to leave. The evening after I get back to Fullerton, I am always bummed out and sad.

The bitter part of the weekend was having to put our dog DJ to sleep. He had been having trouble with his hips. He was an Akita, most bigger breeds have a predisposition to hip dysplasia, which is where the hips and the sockets don't quite meet up anymore. Anyway, he had been having trouble and when I was home for Mother's Day, he was still perky DJ, though having trouble walking. He met me in the garage while I was doing laundry and he was nudging me for attention and I noticed how bad his hips/legs were. I started crying while petting him, knowing he didn't look good. He was still mobile, but it's hard to see your pet that way. At that time I gained composure, but then I walked into the house and lost it again.

This time, a month later, he was not looking good. He would bark, cry and had started having some incontinence issues. When you went outside, there was no greeting you and nudging your had for a pat on the head, he just laid there. My parents were giving him glucosamine/chondroitin and aspirin to try and help, but I think the pain had gone beyond that.

On Saturday, he had fallen into a hole and could not get out. My dad went out to help him and he bit my dad, which meant he was in pain. He was the sweetest dog ever, a big teddy bear, so for him to react that way, he must have been in pain. We then decided that the best thing to do was to see about putting him to sleep. It was a tough decision, but it was really the best for him because his quality of life wasn't very good. We loaded him into the car (quite difficult to do with a 80 pound dog that couldn't walk) and took him the SPCA in Visalia.

We decided to get him cremated, since it would have been hard to bring him back home and dig a hole for him in one, hot afternoon. This way he can come home and he can be buried. Or sit on a shelf if my parents so desire.

This whole thing has hit be pretty hard. We got DJ from a friend in 1999, when he was about 1 1/2 years old. And, like I said, he was a teddy bear. I was always playing fetch or tug of war with him. When I would sit on a patio chair, he would come up and try to jump in my lap...he only got his front paws up, though. I loved him dearly. And the last few days I have been feeling this immense guilt for not telling him bye. The last image I have of him alive was him being strapped to a stretcher and I had to turn around as they took him away. After they put him down, we went back to say goodbye one last time and that was really hard. I wasn't going to do it at first, but decided to. I'm glad I did, but it was very hard to see.

My friend just told me that the good thing with animals is that they don't know that their lives are ending. They only remember the lives they had with you and how much you loved them and the last 5 minutes don't really matter to them. I thought that was a nice way to think about it.

DJ

Pissy Days

2009-06-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today I have been pretty cranky most of the day, though I can not think of a single reason. No person, event, situation that I can think of explains my mood today. The only thing I can think of is lack of sleep. Since Saturday, I've been used to getting a lot, arguably, the right amount of sleep, but last night I did not.

I do have to admit that I sometimes like when I get in these kinds of moods. I typically don't like my odds of maybe taking something out on someone else, but most of the time when I am in these moods I am more sassy, feisty and I have no patience (okay, less patience) and I am more likely to blurt out what I'm really thinking. This is something I rarely do. In fact, I think all of you would shocked if you knew what was really going on in my head, but thankfully I am a tactful person or I just keep my mouth shut. Though, a lot of the times I do feel bad after I have blurted something out when I am no longer cranky, but I usually talk myself out of it. I figure, it's what I really thought, no one took it badly and I try not to worry about it.

Maybe I need to learn to be this way on a more regular basis.

Odd Sickness

2009-06-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you would call it a sickness, but I woke up this last Saturday morning with a sinus headache. We all know that's nothing new for me. I spent most of Saturday doing a few errands and I noticed that when I got through the door after carrying a bunch of stuff up the stairs, that I really didn't feel well. I fixed me some lunch and was up for a little while, but around 5p I just felt so worn out, weak and my head pounding that I just had to lay down. I woke up at around 8p and watched some TV, then I was back in bed at 11p, still not feeling great.

I woke up Sunday morning at 830a, with the same headache. I ate a little something and felt nauseous immediately, so I stopped eating and just laid down and watched a movie. Around noon, I went back to bed and slept til about 3p. I then stayed up til 830p, kind of snacking and watching TV. I was also constantly thirsty, so I drank a lot of water.

This morning, I woke up, headache gone, but still felt pretty weak. The shower that I took this morning pretty much took it out of me, so I had to lay down for a few minutes afterwards. I felt pretty slow and tired all morning, but it got a little better this afternoon. Now that I am home, I feel beat.

I have no clue what is going on, it was just very odd. I'm always tired, but it's rare for me to go to bed in the middle of the afternoon and sleep for a few hours unless there is something wrong. Seems like I am/was fighting something, but no idea what. I did take my temp. on Saturday and one time it said 99.7, but any other time I took it was it was normal. Who knows.

Happy Birthday...

2009-06-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

...To my wonderful dad! I love you very much! :)

311 - Uplifter, Album Review

2009-06-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

So, I will try not to be too biased with my thoughts on Uplifter. It might be hard because I've been a 311 fan for about 13 years now...I should say hardcore fan, so I will try to keep that in check while I write this.

311's musical style has drastically changed from the time I became a fan (1996) to now. Their first three albums (Music, Grassroots, Self Title [usually referred to as the Blue Album]), were more heavy musically, lots of rapping, explicit language. I almost want to say their music sounded more angsty, but 311 is definitely not an angsty band. Their "slogan" has always been to "Stay positive and love your life." Anyway, I feel that their fourth album (Transistor) is where things began to change. This was a highly experimental type album, drastically different from the previous three and I am pretty sure they did lose some fans because of that album. I admit when I first heard it, I was like "WTF?" but I do love it now and it has *MY* song on it, "Beautiful Disaster." Their fifth album (Soundsystem) was full of rock/reggae, so that makes it freaking awesome on its own. Admittedly their next few albums kind of run together for me...the sixth (From Chaos) and seventh (Evolver) are good albums, but nothing really stands out for me. Of course, I have my favorite songs from those albums, such as "Uncalm" off From Chaos (Most of you probably know the song "Amber," which is off From Chaos as well) and "Give me a Call" from Evolver. Their eighth album, Don't Tread On Me was okay. For some reason to me, while not horrible, it did seem half hearted in some places and it just didn't seem to have the normal 311 effort that you can feel in other albums. Though, I do love some tracks from that album such as "Waiting" and the title song.

Most of 311's albums are about 2 years apart, but the wait for Uplifter was much longer. Don't Tread On Me came out in 2005 and 4 years later, we have Uplifter. (I will pick now to say that I am only counting studio albums of new music, but they do have a greatest hits, a live album and other random songs out there.) I thought a small piece of background would be nice prior to my talking about Uplifter. Though, most people probably won't know what I am talking about, I do hope I've put some things in context.

For the last months, the lead singer of 311, Nick Hexum, has talked about how excited they are for this new album, how they put a lot of work into and how they feel it is their best album in a long time. While I'm sure most bands say this stuff, I have to completely agree. Personally, I haven't felt so awesome about an album since Soundsystem. Uplifter as a whole is a great album. Of course, I already have some songs that speak to me more than others, but when I listen to the album, I am excited all the way through. By the way, the album came out this past Tuesday (06/02/2009) and I've probably listened to it, front to back, about 15 times already.

To me, Uplifter isn't book-ended very well. I find that most artists will put their better songs at the beginning of the album and at the end of the album and put the not as good in the middle of the album. Uplifter is the opposite. I think the stronger songs are in the middle, with the beginning and end of the album not as strong. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, but seems to be different from the norm. For me, the album starts to get really strong around track 5, "India Ink" and well, fades by the last song, "My Heart Sings." There are two bonus tracks from a deluxe version of Uplifter, which are pretty good. It is too early for me to pick out a favorite from this album...I may have a favorite part of a song, though. Track 8, "Never Ending Summer" starts off w/the 311 chant (heard at most of their concerts), which I love. And, I have always felt that 311, especially in recent years, hasn't had a knack for picking out singles. While "Hey You", their current single, isn't their strongest song, but it might be the most radio friendly.

Now, I think I can say what I'm about to say because I am such a diehard fan, but sometimes 311 does have some cheesy/corny lyrics...and sometimes you almost have that "I'm embarrassed for you" feeling. I have never felt their lyrics were their strong suit, but their music. Wow. The music in this album is awesome. There's so many parts in different songs that just blow me away. I am not sure if it is so much musicianship (not that they are horrible musicians), as much as it is their talent for mixing together different beats/riffs/sounds/styles. 311 has always been known for this talent of just mixing things up and the finished product is amazing. I really feel that Uplifter brings this talent to the surface once again.

Uplifter is definitely their strongest album in 10 years, no doubt. Whether it's public/radio friendly, who knows. Their most famous songs in recent years were "Amber" and "Love Song" (a Cure cover) and those are definitely not my favorites. I am very excited about this album and I am very happy for the band. Being a long term 311 fan, it hasn't always been easy to see them go from one style to another, constantly changing their sound. They have gotten older, they have evolved and naturally their are going to change and their music is going to change, which is the way it should be. It's never good to be stagnant, repeating the same stuff over and over again. While their older stuff is my favorite (in large part because of sentimental reasons), their newer stuff is great too. There are a lot of fans of think 311 aren't as good now or they have been let down because they don't sound like the Blue Album anymore, which is unfortunate. If fans can get on board and accept that 311 has evolved and that they do have a different style now and that they will never be the way they were...if they can go with the flow, they will totally love this album.

If you are interested in checking out the album, 311's My Space page has Uplifter streaming.

My Best Blonde Moment Ever

2009-05-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I truly owned up to my hair color...

I was having lunch w/some girls at work and the topic of where our food comes from came up. One girl was talking about cows and how she thought we should use every bit of the animal, just like they did in "Indian times." So I chime in, "what do they do w/the bones?" She said they put that into dog food and cat food. (I guess she's right?) And here is where I make myself look like a complete idiot: I ask, "what do they do w/the skin/hide of the cow?" Both girls looked at each other and then looked at me said, "uh, leather."

For the record, I knew that, just not yesterday apparently. I felt pretty stupid. My response was, "what the hell is wrong w/me? I knew that. Geez."

Yeah...I'm just awesome sometimes.

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd take some time to remember all of the people who have fought, are currently fighting and who have died in service of our country. If it wasn't for those men and women, none of us would have the life we do today. Below is a list of people in my family who have served in the military, of which I am proud:

Grandfather on my dad's side - Bronze Star, Army, WWII
Grandfather on my mom's side - Purple Heart, Army, WWII
My brother - Army
My former brother-in-law Navy (Seabee), (Original)Gulf War
My dad - Navy, Vietnam
My great uncle - Army, WWII
My uncle - Air Force
My great grandfather - Army, WWII

I am probably missing a few others, but still grateful for every one of them.

Taking Control

2009-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

To be quite honest, my money situation has been less than awesome. And ever since this economy took a dive, my situation has gotten worse. Without getting into too much personal detail, I've been living beyond my means by the way of credit cards. I will be the first admit that a lot of it has been because of frivolous spending, but lately, a lot of it has been because of necessity.

A few weeks ago I decided to let someone else take control so I can better myself. It honestly feels like I am losing control, but I'm really not...I haven't been in control for a long time. It's been a long and frustrating road...especially knowing that if I didn't have my debt, I could be living off of the money I make. It certainly wouldn't be lavish living, but I'd be living off what is mine.

I feel good about this, though I am a little nervous about things changing...you all know I'm not the best with change. My credit score will take a dive, but I got myself into this situation and I got to do what it takes to get myself out. While I know it will be hard, I am looking forward to cherishing every cent I earn and learning how to manage that because I know I will be much better in the long run. And I will value what I do earn and what I use it on so much more.

My Birth Story

2009-05-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

It was a dark and stormy night...

Okay, no...not really. I am going to do my best to recreate my birth story from what my mom and dad have told me. Granted it won't be that detailed, as it was almost 28 years ago (eep!). I'm doing this for some of the interesting points, as well as for my own memory.

I was born at 8:17a on September 17, 1981. Ever since high school, I always thought it would have been freaking awesome if I would have been born one minute earlier because 311 has a song called 8:16am, but I digress.

Apparently, the day before around 4p my mom went to the hospital. At that time she was 3cm dilated, so she had a while go to. (For those who might not know, I think you have to be at least 10cm dilated to push.) By early the next morning, my mom was still 3cm, so they induced labor...which, I believe, didn't happen quick enough, so they gave her more meds to basically induce her again. By this time, I was coming pretty quick and she had no time for drugs, so she had me naturally. (What a trooper!)

While my mom was in the hospital, waiting for me to come, they would periodically check to see how she far dilated she was and if they could feel me. Well, when the time came to push and they felt for me, they could feel my head. Or so they thought. Turns out, they were feeling my spine, not my skull. I was about to come out breech. There are two types of breech birth: feet first and butt first. I was coming butt first. (Which, btw, my dad said it figured...I was coming into this world telling people to kiss my ass.) The whole night and early morning they were feeling my spine and not my skull and if they would have known it was my spine, they would have probably done a C-Section on my mom. So, now my mom is even MORE of a trooper because she was having me naturally and pushing me out butt first. I was basically folded in half, ankles by my ears.

Once I was out, the doctor had a hard time measuring me because when they would go to put my legs down to measure, they would spring back so I was folded in half again. Apparently, I was like this in the womb. My mom said this explained a lot because she would feel a lot of kicking in the same area, but not from the same limb. To make this story a little more interesting...the doctor that delivered me? I was his first birth!

A few months down the line, my mom noticed that I was only turning towards the right, not the left. And when she would hold me up, my body "swayed" to the right. So, she took me to the doctor and found out that my hip joint was out of the socket because I was folded in half. It had been missed previously because whenever they examined me, my hip would pop back into place. So, I was fitted for braces and wore them around my legs for...well, I'm not sure how long. But they helped get my hip back into place.

So, there ya go...the story of my birth.

And, a little side note for those who know my first and middle names: Apparently my mom picked my middle name, my dad picked my first time. They put them together, my mom realized what it sounded like, laughed and they went with it. My parents are just awesome. ;)

And I know my dad reads this...if I am missing anything or if anything is wrong, let me know. I want it to be as accurate as can be. :)

Music: Bobby Darin - Beyond the Sea

Mundane

2009-05-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

Just a small observation.

I leave for work every morning generally between 7:20a-7:30a and leave work between 445p-5p. I always find it shocking the amount of cars that I recognize going to and coming from work. You would think out of ALL the people in Southern CA that the chances of consistently seeing the same cars over and over would be rare.

For example...

There's always this newer Nissan Altima that I see in the mornings, he's always going my way and his license plate is YngJedi, which is how I am able to remember him.

Often times there is a silver Honda Civic that I see on my way home and she drives horribly, always in a hurry and constantly switching lanes. She has a license plate frame that says Norte Dame and one of her brake lights is out.

More recently, I have been noticing a 2-door black Cobalt w/tinted windows and a deal that says "Obey" in the back window.

I don't know what is more sad: the fact that our lives are so mundane and routine that we are all sheep who punch a time clock OR the fact that I can remember these cars. Hmm.

Decisions and 311

2009-04-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

For a week I had been agonizing over whether or not to get 311 tickets. From the beginning, in the back of my mind, I had my answer, but I always try to explore all options, minuscule or not. I figure it's alway good to think about things thoroughly, weigh the pros and cons and sleep on it. I do this mostly with anything involving spending money - especially a large amount of money at one time.

I sort of had an epiphany about decisions while I was trying to make up my mind about the 311 tickets. I normally buy two at a time, one for me and one for a guest. Sometimes I don't find a guest before hand...I just buy two and find one later. Two tickets was probably going to cost me about $115. Because of all the financial crap going around, my credit cards have become almost useless (except to send me outrageous monthly bills), so I would have to use actual money to buy my tickets, which is where I have been stuck. There's various things that I could do w/that money: pay some extra on my bills, put it in my savings, put it in my tire fund...all of which are much more practical than concert tickets. BUT these aren't just any concert tickets. these are 311 tickets...my boys, my band, a major component and love of my life. I passed up on seeing them last year because 1) I knew they were coming out w/a new album this year and would have new material and 2) They were playing w/Snoop Dogg...blech. So here is where I was torn. Be practical or, say fuck it, and see my band.

In making my decision I realized that the more we agonize over a decision, the more we probably know what the answer is or what the answer should be. The reason we agonize is try to and find a way out of picking the right choice and finding a way to justify it. Otherwise, why would we worry, stress and think so much about it? In the end, hopefully the right choice is made, even though it may still eat at you...it's really more of a bummed feeling because wanted both, but could only go with one decision.

That being said: I decided to pass on seeing 311. I am quite bummed about it and, well, writing this has kind of made me regret it, but I know if I had purchased the tickets, I would have regretted it more. Seeing them would be cool, but right now in my life I need to be more practical. So, come 07/12/2009 I will not be rocking out, but probably kicking myself in the ass.

Work Craziness

2009-04-16T17:44:00.001-07:00

Work has been driving me absolutely crazy the last few weeks. A little background:

My boss came to my team a few weeks ago stating that she wants to hire more people to help manage our work load. She said in order to do that, she would need us to work on our own, for a month, without any help from anyone. She basically wanted us to fall behind and show that we could not manage the work by ourselves, that way, she would be allowed to hire more people. Her goal is to hire two data entry people who would help the four of us in my team w/the mundane, admin. type work, so we could focus on the calling.

Seems like a decent plan, right? Well, it worked a little too well. She told us we would fall behind and it would be painful...she wasn't kidding. I am a week behind in calls and I have another workflow with an additional 50 calls and I am going crazy! I know it's expected for us to be behind and that's what my boss wants, but you get someone with a good work ethic and how can help but stress about it a little bit?

Today was nuts. I barely got anything done. Anytime I would start to get on a roll, I would be interrupted by a phone call...then while I was handling that request another call would come in. I let that go to voicemail because I was in the middle of my first request. Then, when I was done with the first request, I got an email. So, second request is put aside, again and I work on the email request since it's right there and I know what they need. This happened to me ALL FREAKING DAY. I was so busy doing these other requests that I was unable to get hardly any regular work done. And, if it wasn't a request, it was people stopping by to chat at the most inconvenient time.

Tomorrow I am planning on going to work early and I am going to bust through my crap, I need to, for my own sanity. I will do my best to not get distracted or talk to anyone. I feel horrible that I am so behind, even if that is the expected situation. Makes me feel inadequate and like I can't do my job. Not cool.

The Messed Up Doormats

2009-04-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

A while back, I opened my door to go to work and I noticed mine and my neighbor's doormats were messed up. His was on top of mine and they were turned around. The only thing I could think was, "what the hell?" I fixed the mats and continued on to work, thinking the whole time that my neighbor did it to be a jackass. I couldn't quite figure out why he would do it and then I decided that, considering his track record, it was entirely possible.

Last week, I opened my door to go to work and they were disheveled again. My mat was turned completely upside down and turned sideways and my neighbor's was messed up as well. This time I was thinking that I must definitely live next to a 12 year old and I was very annoyed. I mean, what do you do w/someone who does stuff like that?

Yesterday morning, between 630a-7a, I was in bed and I heard something outside. It sounded like it was coming from the porch area and it sounded like something was being dragged. The first thing I thought of was someone was moving the doormats. So, I got up and looked through he peep hole and I see a cat sitting next to my neighbor's doormat and he (don't really know if he's a he) was moving my neighbor's doormat off the porch and onto the first stair step. I opened my door and peaked my head out and my doormat was messed up as well. I looked at the stairs and there were 3 cats, on 3 different stairs, just staring back at me - they seemed to be unsure if they should run or not. I just laughed and I bent down and fixed the mats.

I went back to bed and a few minutes later I could hear it again, I opened the door and one of the cats had moved my neighbor's mat down to the first stair step again. He ran off when I opened the door, so I fixed it and again, went back to bed.

I can't quite figure out why the cats are so intrigued w/the mats. They do move easily and can be a form of entertainment. I have caught one of the cats on the porch before, but she's always run down before I get to the top of the stairs. (Two of these cats have been around since I moved in...they were probably 5 month old kittens then).

It's quite funny to me that it was cats moving the doormats and I am relieved that it isn't my neighbor doing something just to be a jerk. Part of me feels bad for thinking it could be my neighbor, but, he is a jerk, so why wouldn't he be my main suspect.

Cats are funny and they do things I don't understand at all. If you have ever owned cat or been around one for any length of time, you understand I am sure.

Music: Radiohead - Creep

Happy Birthday, Ong!!

2009-04-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Love ya! *hugs*

Declawing Cats

2009-03-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is just my knowledge from working at hospital for two years. I'm definitely not an expert and I'm sure Wikipedia has much more detailed info and maybe accurate info, but here ya go...

Typically, I can understand the reasons for declawing a cat: you don't want them scratching up the corners of your favorite chair or ruining your throw rug by the sharpening of claws. While I do understand that, here are some facts before deciding to declaw a cat.

First, declawed cats should NOT go outside. If you plan on declawing, make sure they are indoors at all times, they can not be indoor/outdoor cats. Reason being, their front claws (most declaws are just front paws, but some people go for all four), anyway, their front claws are one of the main, if not their main way, of self defense. Maybe equate it to a human being thrown in a boxing ring, expected to fight, without any arms. Not much defense there.

Second, I am not sure a lot of people understand what actually happens when a cat is declawed. Since their claws are attached to the first "segment" of their "finger," that bone must be broken for the claw to be removed. Look down at your fingers...see that first knuckle right under your finger nail? If a person were being declawed, that bone would be be broken and removed, so there would no longer be a nail. You can imagine how painful and uncomfortable that would be.

Thirdly, there is a LOT of after care. Most cats have to stay overnight if not two nights after being declawed. It's a very painful operation, so a lot of pain meds are required. And some pain meds can only been given for so many days or doses before becoming toxic to the cat. You are probably also looking at multiple bandage changes because it is a bloody procedure as well.

While I would never personally declaw a cat, I don't really judge anyone who does, as long as they are properly educated beforehand. If you are not educated, I will definitely judge you.

The way I see it is, if you don't want to deal with a cat's claws, then maybe don't get a cat. On the same token, if you are going to debark a dog, maybe you shouldn't have a dog. Since barking is a form of communication for them, imagine someone removing your tongue, making it so you couldn't talk anymore.

Just something to think about...hope I wasn't too soapbox-ish.

Music: Sublime - Slow Ride

I Miss My Innocence

2009-03-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

In 7th grade, I remember walking into what I believe at the time was Payless Drugs (now Rite Aid) and I saw this green/black shirt & short outfit that I really wanted. If I remember correctly, the shirt and shorts were black and there was green trim on the edge. I remember that it stood out to me and I really wanted it, even though it wasn't the "in" clothing of 7th grade. My parents bought it or me and I think I wore it once or twice.

In Kindergarten, or maybe it was 2nd grade, there was this guy that would come to the school and he would give us art lessons. We'd go out onto the patio, where we would paint and I always remember him saying that we wanted our lines to be "even steven." To this day whenever I hear the word even, I think of that guy and that phrase.

There was this cute boy in 3rd grade, named Shaun. I went to school with him all through elementary and part of high school. Anyway, I was at drinking fountain during recess one day and he came up next to me, as I was getting a drink of water, and kissed me on the top of the head. That night, while taking a bath, I apologized out loud to Shaun, saying that I had to wash my hair and I really didn't want to wash his kiss away with my shampoo.

An old friend of mine and I would always try to find "mysteries" to solve. We would walk around my neighborhood, or hers and try to find things out of the ordinary and come up with a case and suspects. Her place was always more exciting, though...she lived out in the country.

One of my favorite things to do was go out into the backyard and play. I used to love to make up songs as I was playing. Often times I was playing make believe and I would just start singing, like you would see in a musical. They were always made up on the spot. There's one in particular that I sorta of remember. Well, not the words, but after I was done, I thought it was my best made up song and my best singing job. It was a song about tennis.

I loved playing school. I would set up my stuffed animals or I would just have make believe students. I would teach, then play student and take a test and then I'd be teacher again and grade the papers. When I was little all I wanted to do was be a teacher.

I remember watching TV with my grandma...if it was a week day, we always watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Saturdays were special, though. We'd watch TNN (The Nashville Network), where they'd show new and old country music shows. There was this guy named Ralph Emery, would had a talk show and he had a puppet named Shotgun Red. My grandma bought me a stuffed Shotgun Red and I loved it.

My grandma really liked gospel music and old country music and we'd always listen to it. Sometimes we'd both just lay in her bed with the tape player going. Sometimes, I would listen on my own. I remember one time I was listening to Lee Greenwood's I'm Proud to be An American or was it Merle Haggard's Okie from Muskogee? It was one of those...I was listening to the song and I remember crying and looking up to the ceiling and asking God to please not let my parents die someday.

I used to think L.A. and Los Angeles were two different places.

Recess was very important in 4th and 5th grade: Hopscotch. For hopscotch, it was always very important to find the right size of broken popsicle stick to use as your marker. If it was too big, it wouldn't go as far as you wanted because it was to heavy. Too small, it wouldn't have enough weight. I think I found the best size to be about 2 inches long.

HAPPY 311 DAY!!!!

2009-03-11T06:46:00.001-07:00

Weeeeeee.

365 Projects

2009-03-03T20:34:00.001-08:00

This post is related to Merc's post.

If you recall from a previous post, I am involved in two 365 photo projects: one is taking a photo everyday, the other taking a photo of yourself everyday, for one year. I have found both of these projects to be fun and taxing at the same time. Some days I am tired, don't feel good and when I am just about ready to go to bed, I will remember that I have to take my photos. Most of the time it is, "Damn hell, why did I start this project?" Other times, I enjoy thinking of ideas and trying different things with the project. I feel that lately, I haven't been as attentive to the projects as I could be. I take my photos daily, but I'm not being as "creative" as I may have been when I started. I am hoping to rectify that.

When I started the "Year of Me" project, my hope was to learn to be more accepting of myself; I wanted to take these photos for me, in hopes of gaining some self confidence and being okay with my looks. Now, I can't say that I have changed my outlook 100%, but I really think it has made a difference. Admittedly, I will often retake pictures because I'll think I look like crap. Other times, I will just snap one photo and say the hell with it and not think about it. I do like more photos than others, but they are all me...and while it's been difficult to accept at times, I am getting better.

Another goal I had in doing these projects was getting better at taking photos. I think if I have is debatable. I would say no, only because I don't do much as far as going out and shooting. I do most pics in my apartment, which has horrible lighting. I would just like to get out more and shoot, even if I don't have a fancy or a demon of a camera.

For my daily "take anything photo," I am on 245 of 365, and for "Year of Me," I am on 154 of 365. Still have quite a ways to go for both and while it's taxing sometimes, I am looking forward to finishing them.

Music: The White Stripes - You're Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl)

Work News

2009-02-15T09:27:00.000-08:00

My department at work is made up of a few different teams...I am a part of the Medical Records Team, there's Data Entry, Vet. Service Representatives, etc. One of the Vet. Service Representatives applied to and got a job in the Marketing Department helping with promotional items and such. (From what I am told, the Marketing Department desperately needs someone from the vet world because some of their materials are misleading.) Anyway, so her leaving left an open position. A Vet. Service Representative has several functions: they have a call queue, where they answer calls from policy holders and hospitals, helping with claims and such, they are assigned hospitals, so they do visits to represent the company and several other little things. On Friday, my boss announced that one of the girls that was hired with me, on the Medial Records Team, will be promoted as a Vet. Service Representative and beginning April 1st, will be a full-time (non temp, like we are now) employee with benefits...and I am guessing a nice raise as well.

Learning this has caused some mixed emotions. I am very happy for my coworker, she is leaving in a few weeks to have a baby and I know she needs this new position and benefits. It will be good for her to have more money and health insurance with the baby coming...and since she just went through a divorce and the dad's not in the picture.

I am also a little jealous. Not because of the position, because honestly, I don't think being a Vet. Service Representative would be a good fit for me. That and I don't have the necessary experience. The girl that got the job has been a vet tech for 8 years, I was a receptionist at a hospital for 2 years. I guess I am jealous because I would love to have that full time, benefits position. And while my boss says that everyone is happy with the work my team is doing, including the CEO, I am still a little concerned that they won't like us enough to keep us around, which leads me to something else...

I've been asked if my job doesn't stick around, can I move to a diff. position? Well, as far as I can tell, no. I could do data entry, which is the position I originally applied for almost 2 years go, but as my boss as said, I am over qualified for that position. Any of the other departments that I might have interest in, such as Claims and Underwriting, need vet tech experience.

I am slowly beginning to realize that at some point, more than likely, I will feel stuck in my job once again. It's not because I don't like this job or what I am doing. I really enjoy it. But, at the same time, I personally know that I am over qualified for this position and it's just not as challenging and exciting as I would like it to be. The other day I mentioned that I kind of missed being a manager...I don't necessarily miss the responsibility that being a manager brings, but I miss having a hand in the way things are run. I was a manager/supervisor for 3 years prior to this job and it's been a little bit of a struggle to let go of control. This is also a reminder of how I just don't fit in with any niche in the job world.

While at lunch on Friday, my boss came up behind me and kinda hugged me and said something to the affect of that she didn't pick one of us other the other because we weren't good, but that this girl was really just over qualified for her current position, which I understand. And it did strike me as odd that she hugged me. Maybe my face was telling more than I thought it was?

Music: Ray Charles - Drown in my Own Tears

Sick of It

2009-02-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I am SO sick of seeing bad things happen to good people. I mean, what the hell happened to Karma and good things happening to good people? In the past few years, I have seen unfortunate and/or bad things happen to my friends and it is seriously pissing me off...releatives passing away, car accidents, financial problems, family problems, cancer, health problems. It's fucking bullshit if you ask me. Sure, I understand that eventually people pass away and you know, we need events in our lives to change us or make us grow or whatever, but damn. I absolutely hate seeing my friend's in pain, especially when none of them deserve it because they are the most wonderful people I could ever meet. I am tired of it and I sure hope things will turn around.

I love you all.

Quote

2009-01-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

"Never take the chance, the risk I leave alone."

Years ago, when I was first dabbling in the internet, I met a guy online...I can't quite remember how we met, but I have a feeling it had something to do with 311 because we were both huge 311 fans. His name was Tom and was from upstate NY. We became friends and a few times, he shared some things that he had written. The quote above is from something he wrote. If I remember correctly, the quote is from some song lyrics.

This quote has always stuck with me, from the moment I read it. I remember it was my senior year of high school because in my keyboarding class, I typed it up with the awesome thing known as MS Word "Word Art" and hung it on my wall.

Part of me has never quite understood my fascination with this quote. I think I like the structure and the flow of the words, but I suspect a little bit of a deeper meaning. Perhaps I am attached to these words because they describe me so well. I am one of these "what if" people who never use the "what if" to describe something good, always something bad. Like, "what if I fail...what if I get rejected...what if it doesn't work out, " instead of "what if it works out...what if I'm successful...what if I get everything I've ever wanted."

The quote is just me in a nutshell. I have taken chances before and they have worked out, but most of them were situations that were put in front of me and they were not chances that I decided to just take. They weren't ideas that I ran with, they were the easy choice, the comfortable choice or the particular situation called for it. Luckily, they have all worked out in my favor, but who knows how much else might have worked out in my favor if I had taken a chance?

Music: Shootyz Groove - L-Train

Ironing

2009-01-25T22:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know if anyone else has an issue with ironing, but I abosolutely hate it...minus that fact that I don't have an ironing board. Even if I had a board, I would not like it.

The whole process just seems pointless to me. Especially ironing shirts. You spend all of this time ironing, when the minute you sit down or move in the damn thing, it gets wrinkled. So, really, you're just ironing so you look good walking to your car in the morning. Pants I understand way more than shirts, but still ironing is an annoying chore. I didn't even own an iron until a few months ago. I figured since I got a new job and would have to wear big girl clothes, that I should get one. And I barely took my iron out of the box tonight.

Normally, I puposefully buy clothes that won't need an iron, but most business type clothing won't let you get away with that. I guess it's about having pride in how you look, which I do, but perhaps I am just lazy.

Work Update

2009-01-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

Our boss told us that one of the girls that was hired with me was "asked to leave." She was struggling and having a hard time keeping up with everything and I don't think the job really worked for her. This week, a new girl started and I feel bad for her. Poor thing has only had a week to prepare for this job...and it's not that it is a difficult job, but there's programs and processes to learn. She seems to be picking it up though and I don't think anyone will let her drown, so that is good.

A few weeks ago my boss also gave me and the other new girls at work some encouraging news. After my program only being implemented for about 6 weeks, there's been an increase in the number of policies being issued and revenue coming in. And, because of this, my boss is trying to turn our 6 month trial run, into a 3 month trial and then get us hired on as full-time employees with benefits.

I'm really excited by this, while I know the program could go at any time, knowing that we are making an impact and it is showing in the actual numbers and figures, makes me feel that much more confident that my job will stick around.

I think it I will be interesting to see how this program evolves over time and what our new roles will be. On a general level, I'm still very excited about this job and enjoy doing it and, well, the money ain't half bad.

No Guarantees

2009-01-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

A quick thought for myself:

You need to learn to be okay with things evolving around you. Just because certain things and events happen to people around you, doesn't mean it won't happen to you. When the time is right, things will happen; things will hit you...actually it won't so much as hit you as it will, to quote a friend, "bathe you warmly in its glow."

And, you know, if you go through life expecting things to end or be a certain way and it doesn't turn out that way, it's okay, because that's how things were supposed to be. And just because one chance has gone, doesn't mean another chance might not be on its way.

Just because you desire something doesn't mean you are ready for it. Nor does it mean you will get it. It's a careful equation of want, need, fear and effort. Each one of those has to balance out each other to equal a perfect combination of having what you long for most.

Music: Alice in Chains - Rooster (Live)