the Jay Agenda

#79: indifference

2009-06-29T20:09:00.000-04:00

I've been granted so many opportunities and it feels like the world is mine for the taking if I can only muster up the energy to go after it. Instead, all I can see to muster up is indifference. It is because of this that I associate this feeling not only with complacency but ungratefulness.

It's like I've forgotten my incredibly modest background. Son of a bus driver and cook, the grad degree, the travel, the NYC apartment and the job that I have are nothing short of a dream come true just 4 short years ago.

I need to do something about this funk and fast because complacency is a sure route to regret.

#78: i gotta feeling..not

2009-06-21T11:26:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I was late meeting a friend for coffee and I decided to run to meet him. Normally not a big deal since I'm usually late and I tend to run a lot.

This time however, while running I twisted my left foot. It hurt like hell but I was still walking on it. In fact I did quite a bit of walking on it just fine right after. After coffee I walked quickly (instead of running) to meet some of my friends for dinner as coffee had run over and I was now late for that. Being late really is my M.O.)

Anyways I sit down to dinner for about an hour or so and then when I try to stand up I can't. I literally end up hopping out of the restaurant and having one of my friends take me to the hospital "fast-track" where I had an x-ray done and apparently I sprained my foot but didn't break anything.

Regardless, this city is not meant for those unable to walk. Everything from subway stairs to walk up apartments (I live on the 3rd floor) make me uninterested in leaving my apartment until my foot is healed.

It's funny because before I was leaving home I was grooving to this song "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas which goes "I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night,
that tonight's gonna be a good night" and I was actually in a great mood and feeling like it really WAS gonna be a good night.

Clearly it wasn't....I couldn't help but laugh at this.

PS, If anyone wants to bring me food...... :)

#77: Palm Pre or Apple iPhone?

2009-06-09T00:33:00.005-04:00

I've waited 2 years to get an Apple iPhone. 2 Years!

In 2007, I was in the middle of my contract and refused to pay the $200 Early Termination Fee that Sprint would have charged me to leave so I decided to wait until my contract ran out in 2008.

In 2008, my contract ran out just as the iPhone 3G was announced and I was thinking "Great!"

Then however came word that I'd be working from London for 4-5 months. At this point I figured it made no sense to get a new phone just to not use it (or pay outrageous roaming fees) for 5 months so again I held off.....

I came back from London on Feb 28, 2009 and at this point I figured it made no sense getting one as a new iPhone was surely on it's way in a few months.

Fast forward to today and I was right. There is a "new" iPhone but it's not really THAT new or groundbreaking. It's the equivalent of adding more RAM to your computer. It's good but hardly innovative.

While I lusted for the iPhone for 2 years I never once saw any other phone as a credible competitor. Well until the Palm Pre that is. Every feature I craved on the iPhone plus the ones I didn't even know I wanted was present and accounted for. It even has a full keyboard.

Now both phones are available and I'm at a loss for what to get. I can get the new iPhone 3GS but it's OS is looking a bit tired and lacking some basic things that should be there (like true multitasking instead of lame "push" notifications) or I can get the Pre and be forced to make do with 8GB of memory but have tons of features that seem really innovative and cool.

Not to mention the $150 a year or so more I'd have in my pocket since the Pre has a cheaper monthly plan with more features.

Here comes probably the most disturbing reason I may not get an iPhone. I'm a gadget snob and it seems like EVERYONE already has one (based on the amount I see on the subway anyways) and with the reduced $99 version everyone WILL have one.

What's a boy to do?

#76: what happened?

2009-05-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

What happened to the guy who would come home from work every day, change and head right back out and explore the world around him?
What happened to the person who would go out and enjoy himself anyways if all of his friends were busy and he had to go it alone?
What happened to the dude who would never be comfortable just watching TV on his couch and then heading to bed all week?
What happened to the human who didn't have to hit snooze on his alarm clock 5 times a morning before getting out of bed?
Or who knew that staying up late on a work night for absolutely no reason would inevitably lead to this?
What about the gym rat who loved to go to the gym at least 3 times a week?
What happened to the intellectual who used to finish reading books in a day or two?
What happened to the male who got excited by even the simplest of things like getting on a brand new computerized subway train, seeing his favorite song at #1 on the music charts or who couldn't stop smiling as the plane he was on took off?
What happened to the individual so determined to get what/where he wanted in life that he always put his best foot forward?
In short, what happened to me?

#75: addicted to sbux

2009-05-04T19:12:00.000-04:00

When I started working in 2007 I consumed quite a bit of coffee. Notably Starbucks' specialties (i.e. sugar filled). On mornings I'd get myself a Grande Caramel Machiatto on my way into work to get me going and then after lunch I'd get a Grande White Mocha to keep me awake after the lunch time sleepiness kicked in.

I did this for quite awhile until I realized that I was spending like $8 a day in coffee. Is Starbucks worth $160 a month? I thought not so I went down to 1 serving a day. I then moved to New York City and $4 coffee became $5 coffee and I cut my consumption down even more.

On days like today however, I realize how addicted I STILL am to coffee and how much I REALLY don't need it to give me a supposed jolt.

Around 2pm, there was nothing I wanted to do more than go downstairs and get myself a Grande. White. Mocha. Stat! Withdrawal symptoms were kicking in. I was tired, lethergic and moody.

I IMed Billy who reminded me of what I already knew, that $5 coffee isn't worth it, so I resisted the urge and instead focused on looking at the clock on my computer hoping for the end of day to come so I could just head home and pass out on my bed. It's funny how that never quite happens though, because once I do get home I almost never go right to bed after my afternoon sleepiness.

And then suddenly, without me noticing, I got so caught up in doing my work that I didn't even remember my craving for coffee. I wasn't tired and I didn't need my caffeine fix anymore. My body was just being a petulant child trying to have its way but once it realized it wasn't going to happen it just fell right into line.

I'm sure it'll be back for round 2 again tomorrow though.

#74: gay in the northeast

2009-04-30T23:40:00.001-04:00

How awesome is it to be a gay man (or woman) right now in the northeast?

Massachusetts was the first state in the country to pass gay marriage. Next came the states of Connecticut and Vermont, while New Jersey is civil unions only.

Now New York, Maine, New Hampshire and Rhode Island are weighing in on the issue. This part of the country is quickly becoming the focal point of the gay marriage debate.

I'm not going to get into the whole gay marriage versus civil unions thing right now because that probably deserves a rant of its own but I believe in full equality and that means marriage. Separate but equal isn't REALLY equal.

I must admit that I am somewhat surprised by the fact that so many of these states have legalized it before New York state. I do however have to remember that while I live in New York City, that New York State is made up of much more than just this one massive city with over 8 million people.

Right now New Yorkers can get married in another state and have it recognized here but hopefully that's just the first step of many. The support of the governor and mayor of NYC certainly can't hurt our chances.

So how awesome is it to be gay in the northeast? Very!!

#73: debt is here to stay

2009-04-28T22:26:00.005-04:00

A lot of my friends have been coming to me recently for financial advice. A few years ago I started doing a lot of research on financial stuff and it's helped me to really improve my own situation and I guess they see as as some kind of financialpedia. (OK, that was lame).

I know in detail how credit scores work (and I check mine every 3 months), I know the basics of investing and even where the best interest rate on savings are. I take a vested interest in being as financial secure as possible.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I hate to owe anyone anything. Whether it be a friend who lent me some cash because I wasn't near an ATM or a "not so friendly" financial institution.

Granted at 24, I think I'm pretty good in the debt department. I have no credit card debt, only student loans. That hasn't stopped me from trying to getting rid of it as soon as possible though. I want to be debt free!

It then dawned on me that I'll forever be in debt regardless of how often I try to rid myself of it entirely; not because of a massive loan balance but because that's how we live. As soon as one debt is paid off, up comes another.

When I'm done with my student loan I may look to own a home. Obviously I'm not rich so I won't be able to buy the thing in cash, which means I'll have a mortgage for 15-30 years.

If I decide to start my own business in the distant future then I'll have small business debt. The simple fact is that debt isn't going anywhere.

Granted, there are some kinds of debt worth having, those being the main two that I have mentioned. Student loan debt is good because education enhances your earning potential and mortgage debt is good because you gain equity which is an asset.

Other things like credit card debt is bad because most of the things people buy with it aren't worth it. Clothing or electronics don't increase in value to balance out the interest and fees people pay when carrying a balance over an extended period of time.

Regardless, for most of our lives, many of us will owe someone or some institution SOMETHING. We just need to make sure we get something in return that's worth the hassle.

#72: so lazy

2009-04-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling mighty lazy of late. I hadn't been to the gym in almost 2 weeks before this past Friday. Excuses abound: my sister was here, I'm tired, I'll go in the morning (yeah right..I tried that one quite a few times last week).

It's one of those things that if it's too difficult to do (too far away, etc) , you won't do it but if it's too easy you won't do it either. For instance, a home gym would never work for me as I know that I'll just keep pushing it off until later. My gym is across the street which isn't much better.

While I seem to constantly lack the motivation to go to the gym, the second I walk in, I settle right into my routine as if I hadn't had to drag myself through those doors.

I've been good the past few days though, not only did I go but I also increased the weight on every exercise I did.

If I can do that after not working out for almost 2 weeks maybe I've been too easy on myself even when I was working out before. As i type this right now, multiple parts of me are sore. My chest, abs, obliques and legs being the most of the bunch.

One other thing about going to the gym is that seeing other people working out can be a great motivator. It gives you something to aspire to, you know?

#71: dream

2009-04-24T11:56:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to write this post for some time but I kept putting it off as I felt it was something sure to ruin my typically happy mood. But right now, surrounded by tons of people at work it's much easier to discuss than it would be at home alone with my thoughts.

A few months ago (I think it was in London but not 100% sure) I had the strangest dream.

It began with my aunt and I returning to a hotel room to pack for our return trip home. We had been on vacation, or so it seemed and we had had quite a bit of fun.We were both all smiles and laughing.

I pulled open the closet to begin packing our stuff when suddenly the feeling that my aunt didn't want to leave dawned on me. She was happy here and I felt that.

As I asked her if she was happy and if she wanted to stay and she said yes, I hugged her and I started to cry.

At this point I woke up and began thinking about my dream.

My aunt died back in October of 2008 and part of me wondered if this dream was her way of saying she was happy or maybe it was my mind's way of dealing with it.

I'd much rather believe it's the former and even if it is, it makes me happy to think she's okay but it still makes me sad regardless because sometimes I just want to talk to her, laugh with her, watch TV with her or just hug her and I can't.

#70: metal mouth

2009-04-22T19:35:00.000-04:00

I finally took the plunge and my mouth is now full of metal. That's right, at 24 years old I got braces put on this past Monday and wow, the past 3 days have really sucked.

Today was the first day I ate anything more substantial than soup. I really cannot wait for this initial pain to pass so I can get back to eating like normal.

Well, as normal as can be without eating nuts, pretzels, sticky food, ice, gummy stuff (M&S Percy Pigs and sour glow worms are 2 faves of mine). At least I can still eat popcorn.

That being said, I must admit that visually they haven't really impacted the way I look. Even when I smile. They're less obvious to the glance than I'd have thought.

One of my friends even went as far as to say that he really likes them on me and that it gives me a slightly nerdy adorable look.

This led me to think, braces as fashion accessories? Maybe! LOL>

Regardless, I'm already looking forward to the day I take these suckers off. T-minus 12 months.

I know many of my family and friends didn't really see them as necessary given that I have a great smile but I have a gap that always bothered me. I figure the boost to my self confidence from not thinking about it anymore is more than worth it.

I'm pretty late to the game at 24 but hey, great teeth at 25 is better than never at all. It's never too late to invest in yourself.

#69: viewpoints

2009-04-21T23:02:00.001-04:00

Back home in the Caribbean, I based my assumptions of the world on what I saw and noticed on my small island. Apart from what I read online, saw on CNN or encountered during short trips I really had nothing else to base anything on.

I then moved to Pittsburgh and was given new perspective and experiences. An American view but with a small town twist: nice people, four seasons, snow, gay bars and freedom. My world was expanding.

The came New York City. Fast paced, exciting expensive and a true cultural icon. The city that never sleeps. I felt like I was at the center of it all.

Most recently I moved to London. A city very much like NYC but with one major difference. Whereas NYC is a global city with an American bias, London is a global city with a global focus.

When I think about how I used to view the world just 4 years ago compared to now, it's mind boggling. Everything from the basic stuff like the types of food I like to eat and how I dress to more important factors like my interests and ideas have all evolved and grown.

Being able to look at things from these multiple perspectives is something I hope to leverage not only in my personal life but also in my professional one as well. Look out world!

#68: i expect too much

2009-04-19T19:12:00.007-04:00

I always seem to expect too much from people. I seem to think that if I'm willing to do something why shouldn't they?

If I'm willing to set aside time in my day to talk to someone, why shouldn't they do the same?
If I'm willing to reorganize or change plans because I felt it was important enough, why can't they?

Not only is it inconsiderate but it also shows where I stand. Actions speak alot louder than words.

The main problem is based on my assumption that people value me as much as I value them. I'm the type of person that would do almost anything for the people I care about.

If I tell someone I'm going to be somewhere, I'll be there. I may (OK...most likely WILL) be 30 minutes late but I am guaranteed to show up EVERY single time.

Everyone isn't like me though are they....I guess the challenge is to find the people who are.

#67: anonymity

2009-04-10T19:06:00.003-04:00

Anonymity is a funny thing. I primary reason I started this new blog is because I wanted something that if ever discovered by my family or an employer would cause me the least stress. Granted, there'd still be issues most likely but the impact would be muted.

I've largely stuck to that and while there's nothing wrong with that, my blog feels like its been neutered. Certain topics like sex are rarely (if ever discussed). My entries tend to be much less detailed and due to a previous fallout situation I almost never mention any discussion points between myself and others anymore.

The whole point of an anonymous blog is that it's supposed to be a place to rant without worrying about the repercussions. To vent your feelings and maybe get feedback on them from someone completely independent and impartial.

On a grander scale, is there even any real anonymity anymore? With sites such as Facebook and MySpace where we post pictures and write on other's walls for the world to see?

Companies with whom we do business have a wealth of information about us. Our bank for example can trace our location back for years based on credit and debit card transactions. They know that at midnight last night I was at Union Square because I withdrew cash at an ATM there. They know that where I ate lunch at 1pm and the Starbucks that I had coffee at 5:30pm as well.

This is all accepted without a second thought. It's a tradeoff we take for convenience. I do it and so do you.

With regards to this blog, does it make sense to even have it as an "anonymous" blog if I write it under the frame of mind that it could be discovered at any time and every word is carefully crafted to cause the least amount of fallout if that does indeed happen?

It's a balancing act. Things always seem to come back to haunt you when you least expect it. Instead of a ranting place, it makes my blog seem more like a collection of press releases. You know, telling the story but keeping all the "other" stuff deeply hidden or barely mentioned.

The devil's in the details and I want my ranting place back!

#66: randomness

2009-04-04T23:04:00.005-04:00

Am I the only one that sweats in the shower? I normally think of a shower way to get rid of sweat after a workout or on a really hot summer day. I LOVE hot showers and I'll spend forever adjusting the water temperature just to get it right but sweating? Really?

Do I need cable? Heck, do I need a TV? I had cable installed a few weeks ago and I'm really questioning whether it's worth it. Even after the cable was installed, my new TV remained in its box for like a week.

Being completely honest, the only reason I got it in the first place was because I knew whenever people came over it'd be weird not having one but now it's just distracting me from the things I wanted to focus on this year.

Things like my career, learning new things and getting out and exploring this city (weekend cable TV marathons can be addictive).

I feel like my brain is slowly turning to mush. There's a recipe for success if there ever was one.

Maybe I should just pull the plug or maybe I should just exhibit more self control and pick up one of the multiple books on my coffee table instead of the remote control. It's just that the remote is always so much closer...

#65: i'm still here!

2009-03-27T19:18:00.009-04:00

Yes I am indeed still around. My lack of posting may have led you to believe otherwise (assuming any of you are still around out there) but I've just been REALLY busy and not feeling very rant-like. Moving is very time consuming, not to mention expensive. Two very depressing things.

At one point my fingers were well sore from building Ikea furniture. What initially seemed fun quickly turned not so fun. I clearly could never work in the construction industry. But now that's all over and I have a pretty complete apartment well absent anything covering my windows.

This bothers me less than it probably should since my windows face an office building and the occupants are generally gone by the time I get home. I will go shopping this weekend for some wooden blinds though.

I'm doing my best to try to just be friends with DT and for the most part that seems to be going okay actually. I'm just happy he's still around in my life.

As for work, that has actually been quite a bright spot. I really like the directive of the group I'm working in and it seems like they're going to be some pretty interesting projects over the next year.

I'm also getting back into my gym routine and I'm looking to take quite a few trips this year.

First to Boston next month, Miami in May, going back home to the Caribbean in August for my sister's wedding and whatever else I can cram into 2009.

In addition, I've decided to pick up Spanish.

I've done Spanish (and French and Italian and German) before but that was ages ago and when I took a placement test it said I needed to start from Introductory Spanish. No surprise there, if you don't use it, you lose it. I'm really excited about being able to converse in two languages.

Hmm, maybe I should also plan a trip to Spain!

That's all for today.

#64: back in NYC

2009-03-08T19:37:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm back in NYC. The past four months in London have come and gone so quickly. TOO quickly. I'm happy to be permanently located somewhere for longer than a few months as it enables me to think longer term but leaving London means that I've left some very important things there as well.

Things I refuse to let distance come in the way of.

Anyways, I think I've finally found an apartment in the city and true to my rant a few months ago, I will indeed be living alone (although I did start begin to look at roommates as well before I found this place).

Ikea shopping must inevitably follow this coming weekend. A lot of people seem to be excited to go Ikea shopping with me. It's weird.

Things are going well at work thus far as well. It's also great to see some of my friends again as well. I can't help but think that even though I was only in London for four months that it's changed me forever. I've done things there that I've never considered doing anywhere else. Coming out at work springs quickly to mind.

London and the people I've met there have a very special place in my heart and will not soon been forgotten. One person in particular I plan on staying as connected to as humanly possible.

Anyways, that's all for now.

#63: completely out at work (in UK)

2009-02-25T12:20:00.002-05:00

You’d think that by now that I’d have a lot less coming out to do. This is especially true since I’m pretty comfortable telling most of the people that I meet in non-professional environments about my sexuality from the get go.

Given that I now work full time however, it in undeniable that many of my friends (present and future) will come from professional environments where I’m definitely not AS comfortable. As mentioned before I am out to one or two people here but that was pretty much it.

I am however now completely out at work here in London. I came out to my gym buddy 2 days after that freak London snow storm happened and then I did it en masse last week when a group of us were heading out for lunch.

It was really funny because one of my friends who had already known was there and she found my nervousness really hilarious.

Sitting at that table, I grew a pair and I pretty much said “I’m dating a guy.”

There was no weird reaction of any kind. In fact, everyone said “That’s great” and then asked the dreaded “So what’s going to happen with you leaving soon?” I pretty much changed the topic once it got to that point because I’m in denial about the fact that I’m leaving.

In fact, I even invited DT to my work going away party last Friday and he got along really well with everyone. At the party, one girl was like “You should have told me so much earlier. I would have shown you all of the hotspots!”

With regards to DT, they all really liked him and he thought they were pretty cool people. In fact, one guy asked me how he was doing just yesterday.

This is the first time I’ve felt comfortable enough to do this and I’m not sure whether my new found confidence will travel with me across the pond but I do think I’ll be a bit less secretive overall within the work environment in NYC.

Perhaps I’ll come out to a few close colleagues but probably not take the en masse route I did here in London.

#62: in denial

2009-02-24T06:05:00.003-05:00

At times I feel like I’m in complete denial about the fact that I’m about to move back to New York City on Saturday. I’ve yet to pack anything, make concrete transportation plans for getting myself from the airport or even figure out any of the other litany of small things I have to do.

Ignorance is bliss and right now I’d just rather not deal.

Sure, moving back permanently to NYC is exciting and I’ll be happy to see my friends there but London really has left an amazing impression on me. From the city itself, to the people, my family, friends and the guy I’m currently dating.

It’s weird because although I find myself not actually packing or doing anything of the sort I do find occasionally find myself on Craigslist looking at apartments and looking at cheap Ikea furniture. I even worked out a budget and estimated how much I can afford to spend on a place, food, etc.

I think it all comes down to perspective. Looking at apartments or furniture means that while I’m fully aware of the fact that I’m leaving, in my mind I can convince myself that it’s at some point far away in the future.

Beginning to pack and making concrete plans however, means that it’s actually TIME to leave and I’m not sure I want to unleash the wave of emotions that I’ll feel when that realization hits home.

#61: dublin!

2009-02-15T13:11:00.026-05:00

I’m currently typing this entry from an airport lounge on my way back to London from….Dublin, Ireland!

After arriving on Friday night with DT around 9pm, we ate, headed to bed and actually got off to quite the late start on Saturday with us getting up around 1pm.

We’ve both never been here before but DT is clearly the more directional of the two of us and I pretty much spent the weekend following him around assuming he knew where to go on the map.

The past 2.5 days have been spent exploring this amazing city doing such touristy things as going to the Guinness Brewery, the Spire of Dublin, St. Stephen’s Green Park, dining out, etc.

We even checked out the Irish version of Abercrombie & Fitch called Farrell & Brown. It was eerily similar and even had an Irish Wolfhound as the logo in place of A&F's signature moose.

On Saturday, the 14th (i.e. Valentine’s Day) we went to this really nice restaurant called Venu and we were clearly the only gay couple in the joint. Our waiter had this “Awww how cute” smile on his face the entire night (at least it seemed so to me) and both the service and food were excellent.

After dinner, we (of course) checked out Dublin’s fun and surprisingly active albeit small gay nightlife scene.

Perhaps the most amusing parts of the trip were:

1) Being asked if we needed separate beds when we attempted to check in at our extremely nice hotel. We smiled at each other and politely said the King would be just fine. ☺
2) Attempting to enter a gay bar/club called the George and being stopped by security who asked us if we were aware that it was a gay establishment. The rainbow flag clearly DID NOT give ANYTHING away. LOL.

All in all, a great city, amazing (and intelligent and sweet and sexy) company and a wonderful trip resulted in the best Valentine’s Day weekend that I can ever remember.

Plus, I can finally say that I’ve been somewhere else in Europe besides the UK!

#60: random times, random places

2009-02-11T19:02:00.001-05:00

You know that saying "The world is a small place?" or however it goes?

Physically we all know it isn't but somehow, and I'm not quite sure how, it just feels like a smaller place.

It's not only because of the internet and telephones (although they do really help) but because I feel like no matter where you are you run into people that you know.

Anyways, I was walking home from the doctor's office on Monday night during the rain (by the way, sick + rain = miserable.)

As I was walking, I hear someone call my name. "Jay?"

I stop and wait for the person to come over assuming that it's probably someone from work but then as the person gets closer I realize that this guy is actually an old friend of mine from the Caribbean.

It's kinda odd how I ran into him randomly on the street in a city of 7 million+ people yet I hadn't run into him in years on an island in the Caribbean with less than 500,000 inhabitants while I was still living there a few years ago.

I was still in a pretty bad mood (remember sick + rain = miserable!) but I took his number and I promised him we'd do lunch or dinner and I'd explain to him exactly how I happened to be in London since last he had heard I was roaming around somewhere in the US.

It's kind of akin to that friend you have on your IM list, but even though you're both online, you never message one another and then randomly out of the blue, you get an IM from that person.

People pop back into your life at the most random times and in the most random places.

#59: snow halted my coming out

2009-02-02T15:11:00.000-05:00

So today was supposed to be my big coming out day at work. I was going to tell more of the people who I work with that I'm gay. Only 2 people at work currently know.

Anyways, it seems that mother nature had other plans and decided to inflict upon London (and the rest of the UK) the most snow this city has seen in 18 years. To put that into perspective, I was 6 the last time London had this much snow.

With the amount of snow that fell and the ensuring transit and road chaos, around 3 people made it into work today. None of them being the people I was planning on coming out to.

Maybe I should take that as a sign or maybe it's just bad timing. We'll see if I still have the courage once the snow melts and things returns to normal.

#58: invisible wall

2009-01-31T22:03:00.001-05:00

I find it really hard to sit down and have a social conversation with some people when they don't know that I'm gay.

It's not that I want to just sit down and talk about dating men, fashion or any other stereotypically gay thing all night, but I somehow it's harder for me to relax and just let the conversation flow naturally.

Those who know me know that I can talk anyone's ear off so it's quite the feat that ANYONE has this effect on me. I've found this to be the case when going out with some people recently and it's really bothering me.

Talk generally seems forced (at least to me). It's like some kind of invisible wall is there. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, maybe I'm just not as comfortable with them as others yet. I haven't known them that long and maybe that's why they don't know I'm gay.

Or maybe it's the first for some and the latter for others. Who knows.

#57: living alone

2009-01-25T16:28:00.007-05:00

After two years of living alone, I've quite gotten used to being in complete control of my living quarters. Now that I'm about to return to one of the most expensive housing markets in the USA, I've been thinking about whether I want to get a roommate in order to cut my expenses substantially or at least get a bigger/better place.

I've had roommates in the past, well I've had ONE roommate previously and it turned out pretty well. We both had different friends, different interests, etc that kept our lives disparate enough but we were also friends so we did things together with people that we both knew. He was like any other friend of mine except that we happened to live together. We just got along really well.

He was responsible, always paid his portion of the bills on time and we stuck to our cleaning schedule. I'm not sure I'll be so lucky the next time around. Plus, I kind of like that when I get home everything is exactly how I left it, that the dishes in the sink are mine alone and that I only need to clean up after myself.

If I'm not in the mood to interact with anyone else or if I want to spend all weekend watching bad TV, there's no one else to consider. Granted there are ways around this, I could always just restrict myself to my room and get an additional cable box in my room but "restrict" is the exact opposite of freedom.

I want my own microwave, my own cutlery, my own furniture, my own television. I want to be selfish and not share. I want it to be MINE.

The more I think about this, the more I'm willing to not live in Manhattan OR to get a smaller place OR to cut back on my discretionary spending just to make this happen.

Of course, I'm still hopeful that I'll secure a nice place on the tiny crowded island but even if not, I'd still rather have a place of my own.

#56: reasons to love London

2009-01-22T15:57:00.004-05:00

Guys here are way more forward and relaxed. That's probably correlated to the alcohol consumption levels here though.
I may have a slight thing for European men and they seem to have a thing for me too!
I get hit on more here (see first two points above).
No one bats an eye when you kiss people of the same sex. Even in NYC, you'll get some stares.
A drag queen beat an X-Factor winner (the UK equivalent of American Idol) on the music singles charts.
It just FEELS more gay friendly here (see above).
You can drink almost anywhere INCLUDING on the street, drinking on public transit was banned during the summer of 2008 however.
Partying here is just better. It's more about having fun and/or dancing than about being "seen" and "looking pretty" like in NYC.
Speaking of which, there's MORE clubs. NY just seems bar filled. Here it's a nice blend of bars AND clubs. Something for everyone and every mood.
Um, continental Europe? It's across the English Channel.
London is the center of all time against which every other time zone is set against.
Londoners have style, at least during the winter, I've heard during summer it can get pretty ugly.
The young gay professional scene here is the best I've ever experienced.
The people I work with are awesome.
The friends I've made here have been amazing.

I guess the themes of London are:
GREAT FRIENDS, MEN (European), FUN, GAY-FRIENDLY, ALCOHOL (lots of), TRAVEL and STYLE.

I'm just...gonna miss it soooooooooooooooooo much. Sigh.

-J

#55: i can't help myself

2009-01-20T19:42:00.004-05:00

So it figures that less than 24 hours after I decide to move back to NYC that I would meet a guy here in London.

Not just any guy mind you, but a sweet, smart, sexy guy who I happen to really like. We started chatting online a few weeks after I moved here but didn't meet in person until the day after I had made the NYC or London decision.

Before meeting him in person I wasn't sure where things would lead. In fact I was pretty sure they were headed for the friend zone, but clearly not.

Now here I am, almost 5 dates in 2 weeks later, really liking this guy.

He knew from the get go that I was leaving and while we certainly haven't avoided discussing the topic we haven't really talked about what happens on that far far FAR date less than 6 weeks away.

The potential for this to be something great is there but I know that that potential will almost certainly be unfulfilled.

All I know is that the more I see him, the more I like him and I've been seeing him alot! Twice so far this week including last night (it's currently after midnight in London) and we're going to be seeing each other again on Friday.

I know that this can't end well in terms of our feelings but.....I just can't help myself.