Blonde 'IBS & All' Blog...

BIG update coming later - but for now, new hair pics!

2006-10-06T22:55:00.000+01:00

As you can see - pale blonde has become warm browny dark blondy sort of colour!!

New start = new hair.

New colour, new cut (about 5" off at least, much more at the layers), new job, new wardrobe, new car.

So you see, lots to update, so watch this space!

Hugs to all, Blondie xx

PS - please excuse pic quality - taken from my webcam, after I'd just woken up from an hours nap on the sofa - wiping off my makeup and squashing my hair!!

5.30am, still wide awake, going nuts

2006-09-09T05:39:00.000+01:00

Got a thumper of a headache, but every time I lay down & try to sleep I just seem to go this weird, disorientating version of 'hyper', and have to sit up. If I describe it as "seasickess on steroids" it probably comes somewhere close.

No wonder I'm so bleeding exhausted all the time. This isn't normal right?! And of course no matter what time I finally fall asleep I'll be wide awake at 9/9.30, so another night of hardly any sleep.

This. Is. So. Stupid.

:(

Finally spoke to the job guy

2006-09-07T12:02:00.000+01:00

And whilst I won't count my chickens yet, was all good:

- Still "very much interested" and wants to move it on

- Those in the company HQ in Germany are also interested - whilst the final decision is his, and based on who he's comfortable with, they do obviously have an interest

- The consultant woman came in to see him, and she was very impressed by both my CV and what he said about me from our interview, so doesn't think I need to meet with her. Very cool! :)

- Still needs to iron out a few final details with German HQ, mainly about the package on offer, and wants to see me again to discuss in more detail - because tradeshow season in our industry has just started and he's so under-staffed the first free appt he has is 26th Sept, so we've pencilled in for that date, but he says if any time frees up in the meantime he'll call and try to bring it forward.

So... still in limbo for another 3 weeks, but do feel slightly better :)

General update

2006-09-03T02:11:00.000+01:00

Not posted much the last few days as not much to report. I've had no great insights, nothing has been particularly bad or particularly good or particularly interesting, and I've not wanted to scream too many times...

Most importantly, my nan has had her major op and come through not only relatively unscathed, but also seems much the better for it already - which has amazed everyone, doctors included! She's had all her pain relief drips & epidurals out now (she had the op Wednesday morning), and is now on a mix of Codeine and Paracetemols. She had her catheta out yesterday, and has started walking a few steps with the aid of 2 nurses. She's a bit dippy because of the meds, but at least she knows it and can laugh at herself too! :)

Jamie's new car arrives on Monday - perfect timing since today, when he was heading back down from helping his sister move into her new house in Scarborough, his stupid car switched into the ridiculous 'limp-home' mode again - just because it got wet! Ridiculous...

My car was in the production plan to be built Friday, so we'll call in a few days to check it was. Hope so, as doing my head in not having a car! (dad has my old one til we have to hand it in as part exchange for the new one, as since he was made redundant he had to give his car back, and he uses it more than I would if I had it, since I'm so scared of the bloody thing)

Installed some new anti-virus software, etc, which has COMPLETELY screwed up my pc - so my advice, along with that of hundreds of others on the internet (wish I'd looked first) is STAY AWAY FROM NORTON INTERNET SECURITY & SYSTEMWORKS, particularly the latter!!

Norton products tend to be ok for the first year, but if you upgrade or buy a new one, it causes all sorts of problems, and that's what I've done. I won't bore you with the technicalities of what's gone wrong, but very bad. And very, very, ve-r-r-r-r-r-y-y-y-y-y-y s-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-w-w-w...

Have a rare weekend day with Jamie tomorrow as he's not out shooting his airguns, which will be lovely. Except he's getting a cold bless him, so he might not feel so great. :(

That's all folks!

I might be weaker now, but I'm stronger too

2006-08-29T01:09:00.000+01:00

Me and Jamie were having a trip down memory lane last night in bed, or rather I was, and he was listening.

I was remembering back to a time where I attacked everything head on - where nothing ever scared me, I was hardly ever ill, and when I was I just ignored it where possible, and just 'got better as fast as possible' where not. I went through some pretty heavy stuff, both emotionally & physically, and I never let it alter my stride.

It all sounds nuts looking back, and it's not something I particularly want to share online [one to save for the novel maybe ;)], but, for example, 1 day after a major medical incidence I was boarding a plane to Germany at 8am heading for an intense & draining week of work at our European HQ, just ignoring the pain I was in and what I'd just been through. Looking back I'm amazed at how strong I was - I couldn't imagine doing it now.

But also, when talking it through last night, I realised I was also terribly weak at that time - I thought what I was doing was normal, and that what my boyfriend was putting me through, how he was treating me & how he was reacting to the situation was all ok, when in reality it was shocking. It makes Jamie so angry, and me so confused - I felt strong because I just got on with it, but I was weak - whilst it wasn't that I knew it was all wrong & didn't do anything to stop it, it was because I didn't even see how wrong it was.

Now, today, is different. I wouldn't have the strength to deal with things so stoically as I used to, yet I wouldn't be so weak as to think that I had to.

Maybe some good has come of all the crap after all... ??

He hasn't called yet...

2006-08-26T18:39:00.000+01:00

Had a depressed couple of days because of it. Stomach, of course, being obligingly rubbish - nasty d and horrible pain for the last 2 days. Oh, and no sleep obviously...

He promised he'd call by the close of play Friday, and he hasn't. I feel like a teenager waiting by the phone after a great first date that ends with "I'll call you". And of course Monday is a bank holiday, and I also think he said he was on holiday the rest week.

Here was me believing, just for a minute, that something might just go right, and be 'easy'.

Will I ever learn??

The interview went well

2006-08-24T14:29:00.000+01:00

I don't want to jinx it with sharing the details too much, so all I'll say is:

1) I got there. Ok it was 15/20 minutes late (but I let him know, and why), but got there in one piece.

2) The guy I would be working for is great (the Managing Director), the existing team is great, and the company has a great culture, and there'd be great potential to make a name for myself and to grow with the business.

3) The role would be ideal, as would the MD's stance on training, etc, and I'd both be able to utilise existing skills & relationships as well as gain lots of new ones.

4) He's very interested, described a good package, and SEEMED very enthusiastic to move forward on it. He's having a personal development consultant in to identify his strengths and weaknesses, and asked me to come in to meet her too - thought I'd be suspicious but I surprised him as it sounds both interesting & even fun to me, so he said I'd hear from him by the end of the week as to when that would be.

So keep those fingers crossed people! :)

Night before the interview...

2006-08-23T00:04:00.000+01:00

...and I'm bobbing my pants. :(

Scared about my tum, scared about the interview itself, and scared about driving up there - as even though I'm taking J's car heavy rain is forecast & the news has been full of driving warnings for just the time I'll be on the road.

Hurrumph.

Anyway, I have my outfit, my posh 'interview bag' is packed, my portfolio's up to date and organised, and I'm reading through my CV now, trying to remember all the things I've done and the person I was then.

Keep your fingers crossed all, I really need it

Bought a NEW car, and made it out shopping for interview outfit!!!

2006-08-20T13:35:00.000+01:00

So, gonna be really lazy here and just copy an email I just sent to a friend....

"Yay – both made it to the car place AND up to the mall yesterday!!

So…

I’M GETTING A NEW CAR!!! SO excited, never had a brand new one before. We can only afford it because my dad has given me my old car, which is the new place will buy off us for £3,500, and offered to pay off the outstanding finance on it. My new one is SO cool, and we got an AMAZING deal – putting a salesman and a marketer together as a bad cop / good cop team seemed to work bloody well!! Right, details:

- Ford Fiesta Freedom http://www.ford.co.uk/ie/fiesta/-/fie_0508_intro/fie_0508_body_freedom/-/-/225876/
- 1.4 petrol engine, 5 door version. We took one for a test drive and it’s fantastic – so smooth and quiet, and with a slightly raised driving position, which I love
- It’s so cool! It has voice controlled audio, as well as remotes for the audio on the steering wheel, built in Bluetooth for your phone, ‘safe-home’ headlights, they stay on for long enough after you’ve turned the engine off to light you back into your house, and loads of other little cool touches – yay!! It doesn’t have leather seats, but I’m glad cause my current one does, and in summer they do my head in (my old car was a Ford Ka Luxury)
- Should’ve been £9,950, and is a much in-demand, new limited edition version of the Fiesta, yet we bargained them down to £9.500, AND got them to offer £3,500 for my old car – which is actually worth £3000
- AND we also got FREE metallic paint (panther black, hopefully), FREE a/c and heated front windscreen, plus we negotiated FREE privacy tinted dark glass, FREE additional safety pack with extra air bags, etc, FREE rear parking sensors (cause I hate reverse parking!) and half price 16” alloys and wheels, as the 15” ones looked a bit lost in the wheel arches. (nearly £2000 worth of free kit, plus £500 of the price of the car, and an extra £500 over the value of my old one!!)
- Cause it’s selling so well we won’t get it til last week in September / first week in October, but if all goes well and we get what we want I can live with that! – we find out Monday that there’s definitely a black one far enough back on the production line to be modified to add all our little extras. Fingers crossed! (Though knowing our luck I don’t hold out much hope…)
- We got a great finance deal, just 5.9% APR on the credit, with the option to upgrade the car in just 30 months for just £2000.

And…

I NEARLY, JUST ABOUT, ALMOST MANAGED TO BUY A WHOLE NEW OUTFIT FOR MY INTERVIEW!!
We struggled though – we spent far longer at the car place than intended, so only got to the mall at 5.40pm – it shuts at 7pm. And I can only buy trousers from 2 stores (the ones that do extra long length) and tops from 5, as I have a long body and arms too, and tops don’t’ always fit me. We ended up just buying everything that was a possibility, so we could eventually come up with an outfit, so I have some extras that I’ll need to take back.

Final outfit – light grey, straight leg, wide leg smart trousers, a black, ribbed, lightweight wool vest top that fits really nicely, and a black ribbed shirt – that I don’t feel that comfortable in, as it’s a bit too fitted, but I’m going to wear it open over the vest, and with the cuffs folded up to my elbow to make the whole thing look a bit more casual and less ‘typical interview outfit’, I didn’t want to go down the black suit and white shirt route either.

We ran out of time to get shoes, and my only existing ones are low-heel black pointed toe shoes – which were really lovely, but are a bit scuffed now, and would necessitate having the trousers taken up a bit as they’re made to wear with high heels, so about to hit the internet and see if Dorothy Perkins, the main ones who do next day delivery, have any nice high heel black shoes.
I have a lovely red leather Jasper Conran bag that I’ll use, to brighten up the outfit, which is dead smart as I save it for occasions just like this, and a red & silver bead bracelet on one hand and a delicate silver bracelet on the other, and a really long silver necklace with like a chunky dog-tag-shape silver nugget on the end. And probably just some tiny silver studs.

Can’t decide how to have hair – up or down, so waiting for inspiration on that one! Plus have a friend of Jamie’s mums, who’s a mobile hair dresser, coming to cut my fringe, split-ends and do some layers, as I don’t have time to make it to a hairdressers tum-wise. "

Despite having hardly any sleep for the past few days, I'm feeling pretty cool & positive today!!

Possible, maybe, potentially, there's a job in the offing...

2006-08-17T01:20:00.000+01:00

Think I've mentioned this before, but here's the full story in brief:

- Jamie works for a handtool wholesaler, the biggest in the UK, and I used to work for a hand tool manufacturer (the 2nd biggest in the UK behind Stanley). The industry is my 'true love', if you like - after being forced to leave after several years I moved to the electrical retailing sector, which I never really enjoyed or was motivated by.

- Last week J met with the Managing Director of another hand tool manufacturer, whose name shall remain anonymous for the moment - suffice to say they are well respected, though currently very small in the UK, being a German company, but they are coming into a time of transition - they aim to double their turnover next year, consolidate their activities in the UK, and really start doing some exciting things. This MD explained he had spent the last year 'firefighting' - solving the problems left by the previous management, and only now is he able to plan for the future. He has every part of his team in place, EXCEPT, a 'PA' to work for him.

- J asked him exactly what he was looking for in this role, as I had considered working as a PA-type-person some time ago, when I was looking for part-time, lower stress, employment. He didn't go into details, but basically spoke of a savvy assistant to help him organise his time, help him out with stuff, but also with a marketing bent on the role. He would love for this person to have industry experience, and a conversational level of German would be great.

- So, meeting all those criteria (just about - my German is very rusty), he told him about myself. He explained all about my IBS, and having not worked for well over a year, all about my background in the industry, in Marketing, and working as a sort-of PA at the beginning of my career (I was actually a Marketing Assistant, but functioned also as a PA for the Marketing Director, doing typing, correspondance, diary management, travel planning, event organising, etc), and so on. He said I couldn't guarantee to be there at 9am every morning, would prefer to work some of the time at home, and so on.

- Strangely, he was still very interested after this!! He said "even if she doesn't know if she's ready, if she's only 25% interested, I want to meet her". Gotta be good right? They're based in a small town a 35 min trip from home (passing services nearly straight away and then about half way...), and just 20 in the other direction from my parents - kind of between the 2. Still quite a distance, but not bad...

- So, I asked for his email address, updated my CV, and sent a copy to him.

- He then called me yesterday - and we chatted for probably half an hour. Seems a great guy, and just as importantly the business seems to be hitting a VERY exciting time. Here's what we chatted about:

ME - we covered the 'I haven't worked for so long because I'm ill' area a bit, which is good to get it sort of out of the way. We covered my assistant-type background, shared a bit of industry knowledge, how I'm doing now, what I've been spending my time on while I've been unable to work, etc.

THE BUSINESS - coming into an exciting transitional period. Aims to double it's turnover next year. Currently only 7 people working at the office in the UK, with 5 salesmen on the road.

THE JOB - Last piece in the puzzle is the PA - to 'clear the monkeys' from the MD's desk, help organise him, but also have some Marketing input, and *potentially* to do some project work that would "enable [me] to make my mark"... We shared a mutual distaste for the huge, corporate American-owned organisations that are taking over the market, and for the way in which they operate - graduates only, lots of internal politics, focus on just numbers whilst ignoring the people, etc. Says this is very different - you can't get overshadowed, there's lots of room for [me] to take the initiative, for instance see a problem & solve it. Various issues need 'sorting' - including the lack of a UK website. Whilst I'm not currently skilled enough to design & produce a company website at the level, I do possess knowledge of how it works, and would possibly be able to work with a design agency, etc, have some input, and manage it once it's complete. Who knows!
----------

Basically it all sounds exciting - and spot on for my skills. He said in his intial meeting with J, which was about something unrelated, that he would have no problem with my requirements, but that of course remains to be seen - however, if it is indeed true then this could potentially be a gentle way back into the industry I love, a role in which I could blossom and grow again, and hopefully a way to help my moving away from my life being dominated by my IBS...

Well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

He's asked me to come see him in the office next Wed, 10.30am.

Watch this space for a post tomorrow about my feelings, thoughts & fears about this, and the whole thing... Would appreciate anyone's views so far!!

Hmmm, what are the odds?

2006-08-14T01:24:00.000+01:00

It's 1.19am, it's the night before a trip to another hypno appointment and not only am I still widely awake, but my tum is decidedly tetchy, blatantly ignoring the wonderful IBS-safe diet I've consumed for the past 3 days...

Seriously, how can any right-thinking stomach possibly protest so much after being fed a nurturing, calming diet of potatoes, white bread, potato cakes, bagels and some plain chicken?

Not that I have D, (that would be far too easy - would help 'empty me out', hence making tomorrow somewhat less stressful), just rumblings, grumblings, heartburn & dread. It keeps me up, ensures I have little sleep when I do dare get in bed, which in turn guarantees an argumentative tum tomorrow.

The wonders of IBS never cease; don't you just love the way it can twist & turn in it's approach to symptoms, carefully picking those which might cause you the greatest upset & inconvenience at any one time or on any given day? Oh, in fact I hear it talking now - I think it's saying "Sleep? Pah! Sleep is wasted time, time that I can't spend torturing your delicate insides, poking & prodding you so hard you bite your knuckles in an attempt to distract your attention from the real pain inside..."

Oh, and I'm hungry.

Sooooo... BIG update! :)

2006-08-10T15:33:00.000+01:00

Well, for once in my currently sedentary & eventless life I actually have stuff to report!! I guess I should take it one thing at a time:-

1) MY BIRTHDAY

First of all, woohoo! - I'm 24!! :) 24 seems like a 'nothing' age - to me 25 will feel like a big milestone.... Anyway, back to the point - thanks for everyone's emails, texts & comments wishing me luck and asking how it went, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It actually makes a difference when I start feeling like crap, I focus on all those positive thoughts & good wishes, and it helps me give that extra 10%.

We made it to the hotel easily, including the short walk from the car park to the hotel - although I had platform wedges on which made somewhat hard work of the cobbled streets!! The hotel was set in a lovely street, which used to be made up of lace factories & warehouses, where all the buildings have been renovated for a variety of uses, including 3 of them to make the hotel. The woman on reception who checked us in was lovely - she laughed that we probably didn't want a wake-up call, would prefer breakfast in bed, and even offered a later check-out time without us asking! Very impressed.

Then we went up to our 'superior' room - awesome! Pics to follow, but basically it was absolutely gorgeous - massive room, with a separate kind-of dressing area, floor to ceiling windows in both the bedroom and huge bathroom. A king size bed, beautiful old fireplace, very funky interior styling, including what were obviously old doorways which had been filled and transformed into recessed bookcases and cupboards, etc. Bathroom was just 'wow' - obviously very light with the floor to ceiling windows, 2 glass bowl sinks, a massive double-ended claw-footed bath, all very white & minimalist, but traditional at the same time, toilet & bidet. Was a bit strange having a wee next to full length windows until we noticed the shutters actually worked!!

We chilled in the room for a couple of hours, and I got ready to go out. We then met Jamie's sister Claire & her friend Miranda at a bar just down the road at around 7pm. It was lovely warm weather, so we sat at the tables outside the bar - which itself was an old converted church, which inside was on 2 floors, and had all the existing stained glass windows, etc. We were there for a good few hours, Claire & Miranda leaving maybe an hour or so before we did - we only left because my tum finally flipped out, which wasn't surprising since I'd barely eaten all day, had taken lots of Immodium and had been drinking quite a bit of coke at the bar. No alcohol because I knew it'd make me feel like crap the next day!

We chilled and watched a movie for the rest of the night, and had a lovely lie-in the next day, woken only by the yummy continental breakfast delivered right to our bed... :) (Actually, despite being particularly comfortable and very happy I barely slept a wink all night, but I was content - not agitated like I usually get when I can't sleep)

Then we got ready, headed home - where I tried to have a doze, unsuccessfully. Anyway, as I'd had to take Immodium to get home we decided to go on straight up to my parents, as it is my dad's birthday the day after mine.

I got a fair bit of money for my birthday, as I didn't really have any ideas of what to ask for from anyone, and some gorgeous jewellery from Jamie which went with the outfit I wore out to the bar. Ooh, and he also gave me £100 to spend in either SpaceNK or at the Aveda Urban Therapy hair & beauty place in Nottingham - yay!! :) :)

2) I ACTUALLY WENT OUT, ON A WHIM!

Ok so I was already getting ready to travel back down from my parents yesterday (Wednesday), and as such hadn't eaten a great deal, but while I was in the shower I suddenly decided I was going to nip to Meadowhall first (the local, very large, shopping centre, that I used to practically live in pre-IBS and pre-having no money). So I got ready real quick, knocked back just 4 Immodium and left - no tummy problems whatsoever!! And I got there, there was a major sale in my favourite store, and I spent most of my birthday money, but got a LOT of stuff for my dosh - was very happy.

Then back to my parents to swap cars with Jamie (I'm still scared to take mine on the motorway), had a blast driving down back to ours, actually enjoyed driving again, then we were bad & had Pizza Hut for tea - and I was fine, and still am today! Unfortunately I barely slept again, for various reasons, so I'm shattered and a bit volatile today, but all good. Another hypno session on Monday, so hopefully the good stuff will just keep coming...

3) I HAVE A PROSPECT, OR AT LEAST A 'SNIFF' OF A JOB...

So I'm not well enough to work right now - or so we thought. Jamie was meeting a guy who's an Managing Director for a local manufacturer, in the industry in which I worked for many years, and he's looking for a PA. He said he was looking for one with some Marketing experience, an understanding of the market and a grasp of conversational German - result!

Jamie told him all about me, including my IBS (said I wouldn't be able to guarantee being there at 9 every morning, but would always make time up, would need to work from home quite a bit, etc), my work history, my education history, including my typing skills, etc, and he's really interested! He sounds really nice - he says even if I'm only 25% interested in the job, or in talking about it, he'd really like to meet me.

So, it'll probably all come to nothing, but all sounding good so far right? If I could get a role like that, work part time, including some time working from home, it'd help me make some money of my own, get some of my confidence back, and maybe even help me control my symptoms better - and to continue to work in the industry which I love, gaining more experience, and working for a really nice guy, who believes in bringing on "young & enthusiastic talent"!

Jamie's gonna call him today and tell him I'm potentially interested, and would love to meet him. Hopefully he'll also get his email, and I'll forward him my CV/resume first. So everyone, it's cross fingers time again!!

RIGHT, that's most of it I think! Watch this space for pics of our hotel room, and the wonderful view from inside it, and an update on the job situation, as well as some info on a little project I'm thinking about starting...

Change to blog appearance & update on birthday coming tomorrow

2006-08-09T00:22:00.000+01:00

Right-o, first off you'll have noticed the old blog's changed it's look a little - mainly this is just a move away from the somewhat depressing, if stylish, black to a soothing, easy on the eye blue. Whilst this in itself doesn't cause a problem, in the process of changing the codes I have lost all my links, etc, and it'll take a couple of days to get them up and running again. So please, bear with me! :)

ALSO

The eagerly awaited (?!) lowdown on how the big birthday night out went will appear tomorrow, just had a combination of site problems, having an abornally large amount of non-computer stuff to do and having a couple of major IBS attacks.

Most importantly, I am here, I am ok and it did go well (by my standards anyway). Details & photos to follow tomorrow...

Trying so hard to be positive for my birthday night away...

2006-08-05T23:13:00.000+01:00

...but feel like I'm, to put it bluntly, "pissing in the wind".

It's Saturday night, not far off midnight Saturday, and despite doing everything right all week my IBS has struck with a full-force attack, leaving me on the toilet for the past 3 hours with explosive D, absolutely excruciating abdominal pain and decidedly smelly gas.

And tomorrow we leave for a relatively local hotel, probably only 15 minutes away by car, to stay overnight for my 24th birthday, which is Monday. We intend to get there in the aftenoon, enjoy the "superior" hotel room that Jamie is treating us too at a very funky hotel(http://www.lacemarkethotel.co.uk), then go out to a couple of bars in the evening/night.

Firstly, this will be my first night out in what's probably considerably more than a year. For a once party girl this is unthinkable, and I am completely and utterly excited. Unfortunately I'm also absolutely terrified - that my stomach will ruin the day and/or the night, for me/Jamie/both of us.
We've made 'IBS-safe' plans - including taking a special picnic to have in the room for tea before we go out, as restaurant food, no matter how 'safe', always sets me off.

I'm really trying the old 'think positive' thing, but it's really hard when you feel this crap and this scared, and then you feel like a failure because you're 'too weak' or 'not good enough' to approach it positively. Hurrumph.

Keep everything crossed people, I SO want this night out...

Is it depression that turns you into a mush head?

2006-08-04T02:05:00.000+01:00

Things I used to be good at:

- Spelling. I am now spelling things wrong that I didn't even get wrong when I was 3. I was always way ahead in anything English, particularly spelling, so why do I keep writing a load of utter bollocks?!! I read back what I've just typed and it's like some strange alien language, and even when I go threw and correct it I leave stupid mistakes in there, that I just don't see.
- Accessorising. Trying to plan an outfit for my birthday night out, and even though I've treated myself to a (£35!) new dress, I can't find stuff to go with it out of my whole collection. Even ended up taking pics and trying everything out on the computer! My whole grasp of what'll look great is fading alarmingly fast, I used to be everyone's first step for outfit planning, but now I'm asking them...
- Er, anything requiring any level of energy, intelligence or enthusiasm. Need I say more?

Yeauch, I really oughtta go check out what all the symptoms of depression actually are, just nervous I'll have all of them! Seeing my (wonderful) new GP next Friday to discuss my whole thing - IBS, depression, anxiety & related treatment plans, so fingers crossed she'll help sort me out.

I also seem to have lost my power of logic - I know the more shit I eat now the less my chances are of having a good evening Sunday, yet here I am eating goddamn Maltesers. Aaarrrggghhhh!!!!

Bread, potatoes, bagels and rich tea biscuits it is until Sunday from now on. Joy...

Feeling really guilty

2006-08-02T21:14:00.000+01:00

J's away tonight, so not only am I bored, lonely and a bit fidgety, but I get even more time to spend bloody thinking. And tonight's chosen topics?

1) How much I really, really, really want to order Pizza Hut, but know I shouldn't, and

2) How guilty I feel, because I haven't emailed/phoned some of my favouritest people and friends for weeks, because I've been feeling so down.

The first is relatively easy to solve - if I can make it to 10pm without ordering it's good, cause they stop taking orders then and I'll be forced to get my lazy ass in the kitchen and make some tea myself. Well, easyish anyway - hands are shaking, mouth's watering, and feel a bit dizzy at the thought of those cheesy fingers...... Mmmmmmmm........!!!!!!!! HELP!!

The second is more frustrating - I have so much I want to share with these people, and want to catch up on what they're up to SO much, but I have this weird 'thing' about doing it?! I can't describe it, it's like I'm just pooped all the time, and dont' have the energy to call or email anyone. And I miss them so much! Some people I used to see a lot, a couple I just know through email, and it's so sad.

Not gonna write anymore 'cause I don't really have anything by way of an explanation. Just making me feel bad :(

Calling all IBS Network members

2006-08-01T12:35:00.000+01:00

Just a quick note to remind those that know and tell those that don't, the IBS Network have started up a new forum on their website (www.ibsnetwork.org.uk), which is for all Network members.

Link to the forums: http://ibsnetwork.org.uk/forums3/forums/

Whilst it doesn't have loads of visitors/posters yet, that will only change if we all keep checking back and posting! :)

Well, who'd have thunked it?

2006-07-31T17:25:00.000+01:00

Just realised I haven't been bringing readers up to date with my current, um, 'poop situation'...

Through exceptional circumstances, involving my trip to Michael's hypnotherapy, a doctors appointment, having to get to my parents because of a family crisis and needing to get back, I have taken enough Immdoium to allow me to leave the house 4 times in a week - normally 2 is my ABSOLUTE limit, and it has never stopped me having a bowel movement for more than one day.

So many times in the past 2 years I have hoped, no - prayed and begged, that I would go more than a day without a bowel movement, and more than 2 without diarrhoea. Well, be careful what you wish for...

This period's poop diary:
Sunday 23rd July: small poop
Monday 24th July: 9 Immodium for hypno trip - no poop
Tuesdsay: 4 Immodium to get to doctors appointment - no poop
Wednesday: no poop
Thursday: no poop
Friday: 1 medium poop, had to get back home - took 5 Immodium to do so
Saturday: no poop
Sunday: no poop

Crazy isn't it? For this period I've gone from having constant diarrhoea, at best a semi-formed BM every few days, to only going once in a 7 day period!!!

As I said, be careful what you wished for - after performing the poo dance to the poo gods for several hours this morning they finally blessed me with their approval and I was able to 'go'. Unfortunately felt like the equivalent of passing an articulated truck, sideways, and was accompanied with stomach cramps and revolting gas.

Have still only been once, but imagine I will be going lots later, as my stomach always seems to prefer to torture me with constant BMs when I'm desperate to sleep...

What IBS is. Or rather, what IBS isn't.

2006-07-30T01:34:00.000+01:00

I saw a program on tv earlier today that got me SO mad. It was one of those generic same-old same-old ones about losing weight, getting healthy, etc etc, but it was either from Australia or NZ.

It was about a woman they described as "...dumpy & depressed", a woman who weighed a lot, I mean she was just about clinically obese (don't have an issue with that, you'll see my point in a minute), and had experienced a rough couple of years, bless her.

Basically she had 3 problems - her weight, her lethargy, and her 'IBS'. And by 'IBS' the wonderful program makers clarified - she had diarrhoea, constipation, stomach pains, wind, etc. So I start feelin even more sympathy for this poor girl, and paid more attention.

But it turns out her typical daily diet goes like this: 2 Pop Tarts, 4 slices of toast and a full cooked breakfast in the morning, 2 energy drinks before lunch, then for dinner she has the full works from McDonalds (we're talking 2 big macs, supersize fries & coke, nuggets, dessert, etc) then eats at least one curry straight after, sometiems two! Then she has at least 2 more energy drinks during the afternoon, 3 or 4 kingsize chocolate bars, 5 or 6 packets of crips and at least 4 cans of coke - all before she even leaves work. Then she eats not only tea - basically a fat-soaked, calorie-ridden 3 course meal - but follows it with dessert, more chocolate, beer, sausage rolls, pork pies, more cola - the lot.

THERE ISN'T ANYONE ALIVE WHO COULD EAT THIS DIET EVERY DAY FOR 2yrs AND NOT HAVE DIARRHOEA & STOMACH PROBLEMS!!

It makes me so mad, as it is things like this giving IBS a bad name - I don't know if either she'd 'self-diagnosed', or some crackpot doctor/program 'expert' had diagnosed it for her, but it is these people who are fuelling the crap that IBS is nothing serious, something that's your own fault, something that is easily, and logically, controlled - "just stop eating nothing but crap & you'll be fine"...

No wonder we're rarely taken seriously, when we have misinformation like this there. I had no problem with this woman's diet or her size - if that's what she wanted then fine, but I have a HUGE issue with us all being labelled with the same 'IBS' brush.

It's like those people who use the sunbed three times a week for 40 years, then they have wrinkles or even skin cancer "...because it runs in my family"...

Thoughts anyone?

How much gets ruined when you have IBS?

2006-07-29T02:02:00.000+01:00

I was pondering this today, when getting frustated that I must mentally log each morsel of food that passes my lips, each tablet I swallow and each time I poop. I'm so TIRED of spending every waking minute thinking about my goddamn stomach/bowels!!

We had my boyfriend's sister and her best mate here tonight. They're both recently single after long-term relationship breakups, and are currently enjoying something of a resurgence of their late teens - partying every weekend, lots of concerts, pulling every weekend - and more to the point, whilst they're still recovering from horrible breakups with horrible men, they're enjoying it.
Every minute they're thinking about something different - what to wear out in town tonight, concerts to plan for next month, which guy they're gonna call up for company later, what's happening at work, what mates they're seeing, where they're eating and what they're eating.

Then there's me. I'm sat there, trying to enjoy myself, and in a way I am - I socialise so little nowadays it always feels 'nice', and they're both really nice and funny and great, but I just can't help feeling left out. I'm tired, in fact my eyes are stinging and watering because I'm so tired, and it's taken all I've got just to pretend I'm cool and happy and not exhausted and in pain.

In actual fact I was thinking 'God I really need to fart, how can I get this out quiet?' or 'I can't believe how much my stomach hurts - c'mon, just grin and bear it', and 'How much should I eat if I want to get to this party tomorrow? What meds should I take and when? I really hope I can poo tonight, and get things moving again, or I'm stuck here all weekend after all...'.

It just gets really tiring. There's no variety in my life.

And yes I know hundreds of thousands of people with IBS hold down jobs and social lives, but right now mine is so bad that I can't. And even all my best efforts rarely give me more than one day a week where I feel even half symptom-less. Each and every day I'm doing battle with my stomach and my bowels and my brain.

I just want all my body parts to be singing off the same hymn sheet, to be fighting on the same side. And for my brain to get a day off from all this constant thinking and recording and planning and worrying and hoping, just one single day.

Is that too much to ask?

Two packs of Maltesers and two cans of coke in a day...

2006-07-21T14:12:00.000+01:00

...just aren't good for IBS.

Go figure.

And of COURSE the third bad thing did hit

2006-07-21T02:57:00.000+01:00

My dad was made redundant this afternoon.

From the firm where he has spent the majority of his highly successful 20 year career. Despite him hitting all his budgets in a very difficult period. And in reality, just because he isn't his relatively new boss's type of person. And doesn't have a degree - which if you ask me is worth zip after 20 years experience.

From the firm who made me 'redundant' over a couple of years ago, despite being the only member of the marketing team hitting budget, and had to pay me off to keep my silence, since the only reason they had to let me go was that I'd had an affair with a European Vice President (or rather he'd had an affair with me - I was single) and we'd split up.

From the firm full of IDIOTS who are convinced if you don't have a degree you aren't worth employing.

I'M FUMING.

Why does everybody you tell about your IBS presume you're stupid?

2006-07-19T01:09:00.000+01:00

There are a variety of things when you tell someone, known or new, that you suffer from IBS. Ranging from "Yeah, I have that sometimes, particularly after a night out drinking" (hmmm, nope, that'll be an upset stomach, dumbass), right the way to "That's it? I thought there was something serious wrong! Why don't you just take an Immodium / drink some water / change your diet / see your doctor?".

Here is the point where I have to warn you there is a high likelihood of the remainder of this post being littered with swear words...

And here is also where I refer back to my original question - why do people you tell about your IBS presume you're stupid? Seriously, think about it - if you get the ridiculous 'I get that sometimes' response, the person giving it is clearly presuming that what is wrong with you is very minor, happens rarely, and is not only completely under your control, but is actually your own fault - entirely dependent upon your own actions. I want to scream - "No, you don't! If what you 'have' is really the same, really that insignificant, do you really think I would let it run/rule/ruin my life?!!"

They clearly don't have a very high opinion of our intelligence if they believe that something so 'minor' could affect our lives in such a significant way, or even (as in my case) change your whole personality. So... "No, I'm not stupid, and neither are the tens of thousands of people in the same boat as me - yes, we can sometimes have some small effect on our symptoms if we utilise a disciplined regime of diet, medication & lifestyle choices, but think about it - would I be stuck at home, not working, never going out, taking 10 Immodium before I'll even think about leaving the house, and when I do being a nervous wreck, clutching my stomach in pain, if I could so easily control this?!!"

Then there's those who do their best to understand, bless 'em, but both (a) can't quite grasp the potential severity of the illness (which on it's own doesn't actually make me angry - what did I know about IBS before it hit me?), and much worse, (b) presume that you can make it go away very easily, you just haven't had the initiative or capability to do so as yet.

Again, they clearly think you're simply very stupid - like you aren't capable of reaching the shocking conclusion that maybe, just maybe, a visit to your doctor might be a good idea, since you're having violent diarrhoea several times a day, can't eat anything without your stomach holding an impromptu festival of noise, and spend much of your life, and certainly every single minute you spend outside your home, thinking about f*cking toilets?? No shit Sherlock!!

The ones I really love are those who are utterly convinced that their nan/mum/friend was cured of 'IBS' by something off the wall - like a wonder herbal mix or religion or flipping ancient tribal dance, and that the medical world are just denying the success of this miracle cure - "I tell you what you need to do, you need to take a tincture of rotting fermented rhubarb juice, rare white tulip pollen and juice of fossilised queen ants twice a day. You'll be cured in a week, I swear, just like my Great Auntie Betty!" They are absolutely lovely people most of the time, and doing nothing but try to help, but after you've heard about 50 of these miracle cures you get kinda tired of hearing yet another long-winded tale of their supposed success...

My reactions to all these approaches, though, continue to be polite and friendly. The way I see it every person I piss off by ripping off their head and crapping in their handbags when they dare question my illness / treatment strategy / coping techniques will go on to have a negative impression of IBS sufferers, and that in turn might make a fellow IBS'ers life more difficult in the future. Heaven forbid - like we don't have enough to deal with already, without me putting a Chinese-whispers chain of events into action whereby we end up completely villainised & disliked!! ;)

So we continue, on a determined crusade to spread the word about the joys of diarrhoea, constipation, bloating and abdominal pain, hoping against hope that one day not only will the medical profession develop a genuine wonder-drug to banish our symptoms, but that those we dare to share our problem with will have a little more sympathy and forethought when we talk about the illness, and give us the credit to believe that we have tried everything, truly, and are still in pain....

Had a good day today

2006-07-17T00:05:00.000+01:00

Nothing special, just been a pleasant day.

My grandparents (dad's parents) were coming to see the house for the first time, so I was up at 9 and was cleaning and tidying til just before they got here, around 3ish, then spent a couple of hours showing them round, having a drink, wandering around the garden with mum (proud of my recent gardening baby-steps!) and discussing the infamous bathroom move.

Gorgeous sunshine, very hot, tum behaved (tho' had a bad D night last night, til about 3am, so prob nothing left in me to cause a problem!), and took 5 Immodium to keep it that way all day - needed a break.

We have the sparky coming Thursday to do the electrics for the bathroom, so need to get to a B&Q / Homebase before that to choose the lights - so exciting!! Next hypno appt just 7 days away too, so all go.

Hope you're all well :)

Bad things always happen in threes...

2006-07-14T17:36:00.000+01:00

... and I've just realised I've had 3 this week.

I've had some bad news, potentially very bad news, about the health of two of my grandparents, and I've been joking that now I'm just waiting for the third. But, I was being a dumb blonde - I trapped a nerve in my spine Sunday morning, resulting in a very embarrassing ambulance visit and lots of scary pain.

But the far more important, serious stuff:

- My mum's mum has been ill for a long time, and we've been struggling to find out what it is. Basically she can't eat, is constantly in pain, always very bloated, upset stomach, feeling and being sick, etc - so far it has been 'diagnosed' as hiatus hernia, stomach ulcers, anorexia (?!) and various other things, but it seems doctors have been looking in the wrong direction - on Monday, when the results of a CT scan came in, we found out she has an ovarian cyst, and they are pretty sure it is ovarian cancer.

It can cause all her symptoms, and is often called the 'silent killer', because the symptoms throw doctors down the wrong trail, and all the wasted time tends to mean it is diagnosed too late to do anything. I think I saw a statistic that said only 5% of ovarian cancer is treatable, but I'll have to check that out.

She has a test to confirm it Monday 24th, same day as my next hypno appointment, and she's pretty sure she'd find out there and then, but we're not sure that'll be the case - the only foolproof way to diagnose ovarian cancer is a biopsy, which I presume would have to be sent off to a lab for confirmation, but we'll see. Mum's in pieces, of course, and nan herself is so scared - grandad is petrified of losing her. She now weighs less than 6 stones, and it's almost like she's fading away right in front of us. I cried so hard when I saw her earlier this week, and when I cuddled her it was like holding a small doll. Not fair.

- Then, just a day later, we found my dad's mum is also potentially very, very poorly. She too has been unwell for a while, suffering many mis-diagnoses, and has been on steroids for a long time to fight various things. She had another CT scan herself last week, and got the results on Tuesday - her lungs are showing as very cloudy, much cloudier than last time, which the consultant has told her "could be down to 1 of 4 things", and that it is "very serious" - made obvious too by the fact he has rushed her in for a biopsy, which was earlier today.

Nan is very stoical, spending most of her life as a tough farmers wife, but I know she's scared. I think her husband, my grandad, is the most terrified though - again of losing the woman with whom he has spent by far the majority of his life. Dad holds it all inside like I usually do, but I know he must feel terrible.

I've been so lucky getting to 23 with all 4 grandparents alive and well, I know that, truly I do, but I'm so not ready to lose any of them yet :(