Rejected Jokes

Mayne Street- ESPN LA Tour

2009-11-24T13:18:00.002-05:00

In this episode of Mayne Street, Evan Mintz gives Kenny a tour of the ESPN LA offices and Sarah finds out how we do sports on the west coast.

If the embedded player doesn't work, you can watch the video HERE

Accidentally On Purpose!

2009-11-24T04:39:00.003-05:00

Here are two of my scenes from last night's episode of Accidentally on Purpose. There's a link to the entire episode below the vids.

Click here to watch the full episode

I'm on Accidentally on Purpose this Monday!

2009-11-18T21:13:00.006-05:00

Check out the TV show Accidentally on Purpose this Monday at 8:30PM on CBS to see me play Max, Billie's (Jenna Elfman) rival film critic! Everyone on this show was absolutely amazing- directors/writers/producers/actors/everyone. A big thank you to all of the people who helped out. Here's a sneak peak of the episode from CBS.com.

If the video isn't loading you can CLICK HERE.

Mayne Street - Just Give Me the Tickets

2009-11-17T12:02:00.005-05:00

Here is the latest episode of Mayne Street where my character Evan Mintz thinks that Kenny Mayne has stolen his precious Laker tickets. I linked some episodes of the web series below the video if you want to catch up.

If the video above isn't working you can click HERE to watch it on ESPN.COM.

Previous episodes

Louie's Original

Poker

Golf

FROM THE VAULT- Beard and Mustache Championships are BACK!

2009-11-12T13:24:00.002-05:00

Today my cousin sent me a picture of Hans Gassner (who you will fall in love with below) and I was reminded of the set of interviews I did when I first started this website in April '06 with the contestants of the Beard and Mustache Championships. Over three years later, I felt the need to repost this set of interviews to remind people of the amazing personalities and tireless desire of these great B&M warriors. Enjoy.

International German Beard and Mustache Championships- 5/10/06- Rejectedjokes.com
Once a year our lives are blessed by the competition of all competitions, the International German Beard and Mustache Championships. Through pictures, we follow these athletes year round preparing for the big competition but we rarely get to hear what they have to say. Well BAM (beard and moustache) fans, lucky for you, I flew down to Germany this year and interviewed three of the "heavyweights." Enjoy.

Hans Gassner

Ben: Hans, you are looking good this year.
Hans: Thank you Ben.
Ben: Why do you participate in the competition every year?
Hans: I'm sorry?
Ben: I said, why do you participate in the competition every year?
Hans: No one has ever asked me that before...I don't know.
Ben: Oh.
Hans: Why the fuck do I do this?
Ben: I don't know for notoriety and respect?
Hans: How much respect do you have for 60+ year old men that grow their beards out all year so they can wax them in ridiculous formations for a stupid competition that no one knows about?
Ben: Well...
Hans: And, I've never won before, so I'm just a crazy bearded loser. Ben, how much respect do you have for crazy bearded losers?
Ben: I respect you.
Hans: Fuck off! Respect these nuts! You aren't even going to remember me. You are going to remember the show boating fuck that made his beard look like a Bud Light bottle.
Ben: C'mon Hans, calm down.
Hans: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!(Hans takes the lav microphone out of his beard and storms off)

Willi Chevalier

Ben: Willi, I love what you've done for this year's Beard and Mustache Championships.
Willi: This years what?
Ben: Beard and mustache championships.
Willi: Never heard of it.
Ben: So your beard is like this every day of the year?
Willi: GET OFF MY PORCH JEW!!!
(Willi picks up his gun and shoots at Ben. For the next 45 minutes Willi chases Ben around his house while the music from Benny Hill plays in the background.)

Elmar Weiss

Ben: Elmar, you look fantastic. You managed to turn your beard into a windmill!
Elmar: That's right Ben, my beard generates the energy it takes to make me smile.
Ben: Haha, very cute Elmar.
Elmar: Haha, I wish there was something cute about it but when this things not turning, it's like I'm a totally different person.
Ben: Haha, you are a riot Elmar.
(The wind stops)
Elmar: If I was going to kill you, I would cut from the neck down, that way the rest of your body would be stained with blood while I was deciding what to cut next.
Ben: Elmar?
Elmar: I would then take your beaten blood stained corpse and stick my hard cock in the incisions making your body spew blood all over my balls while I fucked it.
Ben:...
(Elmar takes a knife out of his beard)
Elmar: C'mon pussy, you wanna get cut fucked by King Elmar?
Ben:...
(Wind picks up again)
Elmar: Can I say hello to my grandkids Eleanor and Michael?
Ben:...
Elmar: Poppy loves you guys, don't stay up too late. Kisses.

Just a little under 365 days till next year's BAM championships.

Mayne Street is Back for Season 3

2009-11-03T05:33:00.004-05:00

The third season of Mayne Street is up and running. The series follows ESPN's Kenny Mayne. I play his boss Evan Mintz. Here's a promo of what to expect this season.

TEDDY SAW IS BACK!

2009-10-22T21:22:00.005-04:00

Halloween is a week away and Saw VI is coming out in three hours, so I figured now is the best time to re-release the most fucked up short film I've ever made- TEDDY SAW. The mistakes you made as a child haunt your life forever. How much blood will you shed to stay alive?

Teddy Saw

Making Of Interview: Auditions

2009-10-16T19:58:00.002-04:00

Here's another segment from my interview with the wonderful people at MakingOf.com. In this piece, they cut together interview segments on acting and auditioning for the movies Everybody's Fine and Peep World. Just to warn, the interviews on MakingOf aren't comedy sketches, they are more like 60 minutes for people interested in the entertainment field. Also, like before, don't adjust your settings, I'm just talking way too fast.

Here is the link for the first interview about writing for the Oscars- MakingOf Interview on writing for the Oscars.

I'm a Straight Up Variety Player

2009-10-13T12:21:00.002-04:00

From today's Variety. Pic below. Link here- Variety Players.

Me Being a Nerd Volume Three- Bleep Bloop: Halo Firefight

2009-10-08T15:06:00.002-04:00

Collegehumor's Jeff Rubin invited me to join him and friends via satellite on this week's episode of Bleep Bloop, Collegehumor's video game show. Let the wild nerd rumpus start!

Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz- Episode Two: Groceries

2009-10-05T03:58:00.002-04:00

Here is the second episode of Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz. Written by me and Eric Appel. Directed by Eric Appel. This episode features Johanna Parker and Michael McMillian (TrueBlood). Here is the first episode if you missed it- TDWBS:Doomsday.

Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz

Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz- Episode One: Doomsday

2009-09-27T23:34:00.003-04:00

Here is the first episode of a web series I created with Funny or Die's Eric Appel entitled Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz. The episode features Aubrey Plaza and Joel Spence.

Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz

Proof that this Emmy thing is real

2009-09-21T12:46:00.001-04:00

Emmy Winner Ben Schwartz

2009-09-21T06:22:00.002-04:00

Why the hell is there an Emmy on my sixty dollar IKEA coffee table? What the hell happened tonight?

You Lie with Joe Wilson feat. Corbin Bernson

2009-09-11T09:50:00.004-04:00

Joe Wilson, the guy who yelled "YOU LIE" during Obama's health care reform speech, just got his own MTV reality/prank show! Produced by the guys at Funny or Die, starring Corbin Bernson, me and Codi Fischer. Written and Directed by Eric Appel.

"YOU LIE"with Joe Wilson

Making Of Interview: Writing for the Oscars

2009-09-02T18:04:00.003-04:00

The wonderful people at MakingOf.com interviewed me at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in LA. Here is a piece they cut together about my experience writing for the Oscars. These aren't comedy sketches, they are kind of like 60 minutes for people interested in the entertainment field. If you dig it, more are on the way. Also, don't adjust your settings, I'm just talking way too fast.

The LA Times Thinks I am a Rising Star

2009-08-29T20:58:00.007-04:00

Today the LA Times named me one of the five new rising stars in the alternative comedy scene. Fucking. Awesome.

Hard copy here.

Internet copy here.

I Will Take One More of Those Emmy Nominations, Thank You Very Much

2009-08-28T18:34:00.002-04:00

A series of lovely people lended a helping hand and fixed the Emmy nomination for best song so that I am now included. Which means, I have officially been nominated for TWO EMMYS. It still makes no sense to me. I could not be more excited. Thank you to everyone who helped out. Here are the categories to look out for. One takes place during the Creative Arts Emmys, the other takes place on the Prime Time Emmys.

OUTSTANDING ORIGINAL MUSIC AND LYRICS

81st Annual Academy Awards • Song Title: Hugh Jackman Opening Number • ABC •Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
William Ross, Original Music
John Kimbrough, Original Music
Dan Harmon, Original Lyrics
Rob Schrab, Original Lyrics
Ben Schwartz, Original Lyrics

OUTSTANDING WRITING IN A VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SPECIAL

81st Annual Academy Awards • ABC • Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

Jon Macks, Writer

Jenny Bicks, Writer

Bill Condon, Writer

John Hoffman, Writer

Phil Alden Robinson, Writer

Bruce Vilanch, Writer

Dan Harmon, Special Material Written By

Rob Schrab, Special Material Written By

Ben Schwartz, Special Material Written By

Joel Stein, Special Material Written By

Assorted Jelly Beans - Gizmo Gone Wild

2009-08-22T06:08:00.002-04:00

Here is the fourth installment of Assorted Jelly Beans. The one panel comic written by myself and brilliantly illustrated by Steve Dressler.

Previous Assorted Jelly Beans-

Edward Scissorhands

Babar

Debate

My new book!

2009-08-11T13:39:00.008-04:00

Last year Amanda McCall and I published an adorable postcard book entitled Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals.

The success of Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals gave us the opportunity to publish yet...another...BOOK! On August 18th, get ready for Why is Daddy in a Dress: Asking Awkward Questions with Baby Animals.

You can buy copies of both books AND our flip calendar by using the links below. Hooray!

Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals - BOOK

Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals - CALENDAR

Why is Daddy in a Dress: Asking Awkward Questions with Baby Animals- BOOK

What the hell is the Wall Street Journal?

2009-08-03T16:41:00.004-04:00

The talented Richard Morgan wrote an article on comedian Dave Hill for the Wall Street Journal and was nice enough to include a paragraph or two on me. Here is a link to the ENTIRE WALL STREET JOURNAL ARTICLE as well as my section copy and pasted below.

"More and more people are realizing it helps a great deal to have a finger in every pie,” says Ben Schwartz, an Emmy-nominated 27-year-old comedian who runs RejectedJokes.com – the very premise of which means that none of his ideas are wasted anymore. Just a few years ago, Schwartz started off the old-school route: wearing a tie and sneaking into the MTV president’s office with his résumé, faxing in 15 to 20 new jokes a day (every day for two and a half years) to David Letterman for $75 a joke (if the joke aired), or SNL’s Weekend Update, wishing and hoping.

Then YouKnowWhat happened. And for $60, Schwartz made a funny short film that got 10 million hits. Now he has a book out and another out in August, a movie with Sarah Silverman and Rainn Wilson, a TV pilot with Richard Dreyfuss and Mary Steenburgen, and that Emmy nod.

“You can’t have downtime,” Schwartz says, “that’s how we feel these days. At least, that’s how I feel. You have to use every part of the buffalo.”

ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz- Tony Gonzalez

2009-07-17T20:05:00.002-04:00

In the third installment of ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz, I sat down with future NFL Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez.

ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz- Nastia Liukin

2009-07-17T03:48:00.006-04:00

In the second installment of ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz, I sat down with Olympic Gold Medal Gymnast Nastia Liukin.

For better sound, watch it on CollegeHumor by CLICKING HERE.

ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz- Shawne Merriman

2009-07-16T23:12:00.008-04:00

In this new web series for ESPN, I sit down with various athletes and talk sports. In the first installment, I sat down with Pro Bowl/San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman.

My Youtube Link to the Interview

Now it's "Emmy Nominated" Ben Schwartz

2009-07-16T10:44:00.004-04:00

This morning I got nominated for ONE to TWO Emmy Awards!!! Both of which are for writing for a different awards show...which is hilarious! For some weird reason, they forgot to put my name on one of the nominations along side the other Oscar opening number writers but hopefully it'll all get fixed before the days over. Either way, I am so excited and grateful to everyone who made it possible! Here are the categories I was nominated in:

OUTSTANDING WRITING IN A VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SPECIAL

81st Annual Academy Awards • ABC • Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

Jon Macks, Writer

Jenny Bicks, Writer

Bill Condon, Writer

John Hoffman, Writer

Phil Alden Robinson, Writer

Bruce Vilanch, Writer

Dan Harmon, Special Material Written By

Rob Schrab, Special Material Written By

Ben Schwartz, Special Material Written By

Joel Stein, Special Material Written By

Chris Rock - Kill The Messenger • HBO • Chris Rock Enterprises and Funny Business in association with HBO Entertainment

Chris Rock, Writer

Louis C.K.: Chewed Up • Showtime • Image Entertainment / Art & Industry

Louis CK, Writer

Ricky Gervais: Out Of England -- The Stand-Up Special • HBO • Moffitt Lee Productions in association with HBO Entertainment

Ricky Gervais, Writer

Will Ferrell: You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush • HBO • Gary Sanchez Productions, Funny Business in association with HBO Entertainment

Will Ferrell, Writer

OUTSTANDING ORIGINAL MUSIC AND LYRICS

81st Annual Academy Awards • Song Title: Hugh Jackman Opening Number • ABC •Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

William Ross, Original Music

John Kimbrough, Original Music

Dan Harmon, Original Lyrics

Rob Schrab, Original Lyrics

This is where we should have put Ben Schwartz, Original Lyrics. Hopefully will get fixed by the end of the day. - Dr. Oscar

A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All • Song Title: Much Worse Things • Comedy Central • Spartina Productions

Adam Schlesinger, Music By

David Javerbaum, Lyrics By

A Muppets Christmas: Letters To Santa • Song Title: I Wish I Could Be Santa Claus •NBC • Muppets Productions in association with The Walt Disney Studios

Paul Williams, Original Songs By

Flight Of The Conchords • Unnatural Love / Song Title: Carol Brown • HBO • Dakota Pictures and Comedy Arts in association with HBO Entertainment

James Bobin, Composer and Lyricist

Bret McKenzie, Composer and Lyricist

Jemaine Clement, Composer and Lyricist

Saturday Night Live • Host: Justin Timberlake / Song Title: Motherlover • NBC • SNL Studios in association with NBC Studios and Broadway Video

Akiva Schaffer, Lyrics By

Jorma Taccone, Lyrics By

Andy Samberg, Lyrics By

Justin Timberlake, Lyrics By

Asa Taccone, Music By

Drew Campbell, Music By

The 2008 ESPYS • Song Title: I Love Sports • ESPN • BTW Productions in association with ESPN

Katreese Barnes, Composer

Justin Timberlake, Lyricist

Steve Higgins, Lyricist

Alex Baze, Lyricist

Rachel Hamilton, Lyricist

Kevin Miller, Lyricist

Jonathan Drubner, Lyricist

Dave Drabik, Lyricist