Blonde at Heart

In Slippers

2008-07-19T20:51:00.003+03:00

In the last post which was in another era, I said I was too happy and too busy to blog. Well, that ended now, and I hope I did not lose my miniscule readership for that short spell of happiness.
In the time that passed between the last post and now I learned a thing or two about the importance of designer dresses, and the type of men I want to date.

I think it is inappropriate to spill all the last guy's flaws in the open, because, he was really nice. Just not the right guy for me.

Otherwise, nothing much happened. The third semester ends in two weeks and then "exam break" starts. It looks like I will be working hard until Rosh Hashana.

I keep dreaming about packing my bags and go on a weekend mini-break to Paris, but I guess I'll never gather up the courage to actually do that.

The thing that really annoys me about the current breakup, is that it feels almost routine, to do the "breakup talk", eat half the tube of B&J ice cream, feel bad about it, eat salad for a week, cry a bit, listen to sad songs/angry rock songs, contamplate a shopping spree, get enough satisfaction from a window shopping or plain grocery shopping, go out with friends and maybe find "him", and start the whole dating ritual and then the breakup routine again.
I am sure this is despait talking from my throat and not long from now I will fall again for some guy I will think he is my knight in shiny armour, and I hope he really will be.

"Too Happy, Too Busy"

2008-05-19T21:39:00.002+03:00

Wow, I did not realise I did not log for nearly a month. Probably my two readers left me completely and I can write total nonesense and no one will ever know.

I was too busy to write, I missed my Blog's second anniversary! I'm a bad blog-owner.

Anyway, uni started again, and as opposed to what is usually regarded (especially in the States) as "Spring Break", mine was filled with tests and papers, which I still write. Uni started again and I love it. I have two new subjects, one I really like, Modern Muslim Philosophy, and another I hope I will grow to like.

I also have a new guy I date. So far he seems issue-free. But like Stalin, I think that those who seem the most issue-free are actaully those who possess the greatest personal problems. I hope I am wrong, I am rather fond of him.

I am considering to turn the blog into a weekly column about current affairs, as my life is totally boring. No one wants to hear about how happy you are. What do you think?

Busy Bee

2008-04-16T17:02:00.002+03:00

I am aware that the dear blog suffered lately. But I have excueses. Exam period started (and finished today) and I was studying hard. Apparently my studying was worth my while, since I was just informed I received 95 in my globalization of world politics class.

I also managed to lay a few ghosts, and acquire a new one. B, remember the boy I told you about? Well, he was not as issue-free as I told you. I hope for a better luck next time (not necessarily with him).

Pub Science

2008-03-27T19:58:00.002+02:00

A devoted reader of this blog suggested I cut down on the drama in my life - a sound advice. The problem is that drama is an essential part of life, especially in a restless place like Israel.

Measles
The HU was thrown into a petty panic attack this week because a student was diagnosed with measles, and all those who studied with him were sent to the doctor. It was rather funny - in Israel all children born after 1977 received injections for measles, but nevertheless, this week, every student with a common cold from the IR department was seen as the next measles case.

Between San'a and Damascus
The Arab world has seen this week to quite exciting developments. The first is the Yemenite Initiative for inter-Palestinian dialogue. I am sure both sides want to end the division between the WB and Gaza, but they want to finish it when their group has the upper hand. Therefore Hamas conducts separate meetings with Egypt regarding re-opening of the Rafah crossing and a possible "calming" with Israel. If Hamas is successful, it either will not need the Yemenite Initiative, and hence the demand to "discuss" the implementation of the Initiative, a way to buy time and gain bargaining chips in the dialogue with Fatah. In this state of affairs, it is very clear why Fatah demands immediate impelmentation of the Initiative and/or conditions its implementation on immediate withdrawal of Hamas from the Gaza strip.

Meanwhile in Damascus, the Arab Summit is not such a great success. The prolonged political vacuum in Lebanon led it to boycott the Summit. This boycott led Egypt and Saudi Arabia to send ministers instead their heads of states. This protest is directed against Syria which is seen as the source of the Lebanese vacuum - its opposition to Sleiman seems to prolong the strife between the two large groups in Lebanon (the coalition and the opposition) and bringing these groups to the verge of a civil war. Thus Lebanon tries to distance itself from the Arab world for a while, trying to compose itself and solve its own problems.

I must say the Amro Moussa, the secretary general of the Arab League, has a lovely smile.

The Cure
On Purim, which was sadly very sober, I met the Ex. Most would say this is a very bad policy, but it proved that this whimsical behaviour was exactly the thing I needed - he tried to kiss me and I said no.

A Bucket of Self-Pity

2008-02-29T01:22:00.002+02:00

The greatest disadvantage of friends in drama school is that they see into you and realise things before you do. My friend Shai over the last couple of months identified all kinds of trends and things I am going through, even before I realised that. Tonight he asked me where all my energy is going. When I said I do not know, he suggested it all goes to self pity. He is so right, but, like the song (sort of), if it feels so right, why does it feel so wrong?

The Letting Go

2008-02-28T00:24:00.002+02:00

I have identified my problem, but this does not mean I am any way closer to solving it. My problem is that I cannot let go. Or, better phrased, I do not want to let go. "There are more fish in the sea" "bigger and better busses" and all that s**t does not console me and/or give me hope. Instead I prefer to close myself in my little bubble, listen to the CD I gave him a few years ago and develop a nervous tick in my left eye because life is not a movie - you do not have a good wallowing period (not that I ever allowed myself), go out with your friends, bat your eyelashes twice in the direction of the nearest cutest guy and voila! you've got yourself a rebound. Maybe life as a spinster is not so bad. I'd be able to write a book or two instead of the children I may have had, have two or three dogs and eat cereal for dinner.

Linner

2008-02-24T21:34:00.002+02:00

Linner, is a really late lunch or a very early dinner. And I think I am much more Sex and the City neurosis rather than Gilmore Girls cheer. The point? Don't know. I am restless. I want to do a gazillion things and I want to bury myself under the duvet at the same time. The Mythological Ex's and mine six years anniversary crops up and though I am sure he does not remember it, I do, and I do not know what to do with myself. Also, he is supposed to be released from his military service around that time. Gosh, why does it have to be so complicated?

חיים משבת לשבת

2008-02-22T17:04:00.002+02:00

Thinking is bad for you. At least, thinking is bad for me. All week long I am busy doing stuff - exams, lectures, papers, shifts in the office, hanging out with friends, but come Friday suddenly all that stops and I finally have time to think. Actually, it's not really thinking, but more a feeling, which I suspect I am not familiar with, but as I become more acquainted with it, the less I like it. Lonliness is like someone you do not like, but decides is your friend, who constantly calls you and you simply cannot shake off, because you are out of excuses. I try to tell myself there is no chance that what I feel is lonliness, because I have my family and my friends, so why do I crave more than that?

Loving the Place You're in

2008-02-16T21:13:00.002+02:00

Some time ago, I received what seemed to be a sound piece of advice from someone who's seen and went through a lot of stuff. The advice was "wine and chocolate". Another person's advice was "tons of ice cream". Somehow when I apply these advices I always end up in tears (and no, not because of the far-fetched belief that these make you fat).
Modern times are all about compartmentalising, so to keep up with the times, I compartmentalise. Work is fine, uni is fine, my paper(s) progress fine, my family is wonderful, my friends are great, but there is something missing. And no, it is not him, it is the idea of him, which is far more dangerous in my opinion.
So many times I heard the "he's not worth it" cliche, I no longer believe it. Who really is "worth it"? While we were together I heard that he is a perfect match for me. But now that we are not together, suddenly he's not "worth it"? It is hard to live in the modern age, where you're supposed to be tall, beautiful, thin, successful both at work, the academia and the kitchen and find the perfect guy for you. This is so frustrating, my nails are chipped and I do not have the desire to take care of them. Is it a bad sign, that I do not want to do my nails? Is the state of your nails symbolic to your emotional state?
While all this rambling may be seen as driven either by alcohol or hormones, I can assure it is neither, which leaves me with the ugly truth that I am fine and not fine at the same time, and I wish that there was something I could do about it.

Sky Is Over

2008-02-14T19:51:00.002+02:00

The Lebanese should be lauded, especially today, for showing true politcal interest. Hundreds if not thousands of Lebanese stood today for hours in the pouring rain to pay their respects to a public figure they appreciate. True, Imad Mughniyeh cannot really be called "a public figure", as it took more than 20 years to track him down, but his organisation is very public.
After this show of political solidarity, what can be deduced from that, or, how close is Lebanon to have a new President?
The short answer is, I don't know. My best guess is that Lebanon is headed to a stalemate - the Arab League still did not give up on its solution to the Lebanese presidential vacuum, but I guess that after the summit in Damascus, and the natural course of events in the region, even the League will give up. The French already gave up. Then, when the Lebanese will realise that they are alone in this, they will find themselves in need of something that is in short supply in world politcs lately: courage. The Lebanese will have to decide that either they will take themselves seriously and solve the vacuum, or violence will break out, i.e., a solution to the vacuum in other means.

The Palestinians already find themselves in this crossroad: either Hamas renounces its "coup" in Gaza and the PA agrees to a national unity government and/or early elections or that violence will have to decide. In addition, the rumors on a possible Israeli large operation in the Strip add to the pressure. The PA do not want to come back to Gaza on Israeli tanks, and Hamas do not want to turn to Egypt in order to save it from Israel (because most chances are that Egypt will not do that).

Bleeding Out Love

2008-02-10T13:16:00.000+02:00

You'd probably bang your head against the wall when you read this. Last night, as if I was possessed, I called Yoni and met him for tea. Then we porceeded to more serious talk that ended in a long goodbye kiss (this is really goodbye, I guess). Now I feel like a fool, and worse than that - I have a nosebleed (a sure sign of stress) and a cut that keeps on bleeding. I feel like a murder scene.

Life as an Eternal Slumber Party

2008-02-02T23:04:00.000+02:00

Hooked

This is so not a blog material, but I found interesting. Last week at work, I felt I could not start my day without pouring some caffeine down my veins. So I went to look for some. It was not in the kitchen. It was not in the fancy kitchen upstairs. It was in the kitchen in the lower floor, and only after I had to bring my own cup. So yeah, I'm hooked.

Little Emo Kid

Like many things I do not have, like the ability to translate misery into words, I wish I had the ability not to pretend. Not that I am such a good actress, but I want not to pretend. As if I had a sign on my back saying "girl in emotional instability, stay clear if you want to stay alive". I cannot wear all black and do the whole black eye shadow, black eye liner thing. I am way too prim for that. I wish I wasn't.

Not My Knight in the Shiny Armour

In all this mess I found a few spare minutes to tell the Red Knight that it's not going to work out, as we seek very different thing. Pity. He was a good cook. Speaking of cooking, I managed to cook today salmon in rosmary which came out marvellously.

From an E-Mail to a Friend, or: My Winograd Report

2008-01-31T17:34:00.000+02:00

Hello,

As promised, I give you my views regarding the Winograd report. An appeal to the supreme court in 2007 made sure that the finger will not be pointed at any specific person, and thus make the report less strong than the interim report in April. At the same time, the report is a strong criticism on Israel's administration and its national character.

If you remember, the interim report in April said that Olmert is not fit to run a country, especially not a country in war. The report yesterday said nothing of this kind. Instead, it gave the people of Israel and especially its administration a lesson in basic political science. Justice Winograd basically said that military power should be used in order to achieve political goals, pretty much what Clausowich said a hundred years or so ago, that war is "continuing policy by other means". The report said that the political branch did not know how to use the military force it had in its disposal - aversion of a vast ground operation in the early stages of the war in addition to problematic communication between the army and the head of the state.

Moreover, in the six years since the pull-out from southern Lebanon, the army became more concerned about casualties rather than achieving its goals. Meaning, the constant fighting in the Territories made the IDF an expert in counter-terrorism, but it forgot how to act like an army, with big operations including artillery, tanks, infantry and air force.

Many like to compare the Winograd report to the Agrant report after the 1973 war, where also the military was blamed the most. But in my opinion, the finger is pointed, even if it is wrapped in very general terms, to the Prime Minister. The army has, since the war, gone under wide reforms in order to make it an army again. Also, the then-chief of staff already stepped down.
Although the report glosses over the operation in the last 60 hours of the war, I think it proves, above all the other scandals, the inability of the Prime Minister to run a country in war - the Security Council has already started voting about resolution 1701, and it was the same resolution that was accepted after this ineffective operation, which did not change the resolution and led to the death of 33 soldiers. The report says clearly that in the only war that Israel ever started, it lost. It lost because the army was not ready and because the political branch did not know what to do.

A colleague of mine said that the difference of a PM who has a military experience and one who does not, is that a military-experienced PM does not put casualties as his first concern. I quite agree.

To sum it all, the Winograd report, more than being a report about the scandals of the war, is a portray of the society in Israel, and it is not a pretty picture - a society that does not think about the greater good and ignores the environment in which it lives. A society in which the desire to serve your country by combat service in regarded lunacy. A society that joins those who try undermine the basis upon which it stands - a society that sees the term "Zionist" as a swearword rather than the essence of its being.

Hope you are well,
Blonde

"If It Makes You Happy..."

2008-01-30T09:46:00.000+02:00

I am sick of this bog of self pity I find mysef in lately, but cannot find a way out of it. Friends telling me it takes time, chocolate and wine (or vodka, depends who you ask) do not seem to help much.Unlike Bren and BiB, I cannot channel my angst and gloom into creative writing, so the blog is going through a dry spell. Sorry.

On a happier note, it snows outside, and the world is a magical winter kingdom. Wish I had a camera.

Britney Is a Genuis!

2008-01-26T19:53:00.000+02:00

Girl meets a boy, boy finds girl on Facebook, boy and girl talk quite some time online, boy and girl meet for drinks, boy comes over (twice!) for the weekend at girl's place. Sounds perfect, isn't it?
In between this perfetion, girl has a bad breakup, and is still quite hung up on former boy. The girl is, quite naturally, me, and I feel much like Britney's song "Oops!". I play the game. The Red Knight is lovely and all (he made me pancackes! and brought me tea to bed). Also the feeling that he is like every past relationship I ever had was magnified by the fact that I almost called him "Dror" at some point, which is really weird, as I have not thought about Dror in a million years.
Indeed, the Red Knight is tick, tick, tick (looks, brains, possibility of likeability by les parents), but there is nothing there, no breathless waiting for him to call or come over, it feels too easy, and it bothers me. Is it the behavioural patterns Irit talked about, that I really have to let go and remind myself that love should not be difficult, or should I end this because it is bad to have a relationship that reminds you of every past boyfriend?

Blankey

2008-01-24T18:54:00.000+02:00

I seem to have the habit of contacting all the wrong people when I feel down. Much like that Jew in the midrash who had a treasure in his basement but he went looking for it over the mountains, so I seem to go to unnecesarily lengths in order to solve my problems.
Yesterday and the day before that were kind of a watershed. I discovered (again!) that working and studying is very hard. It seems as though you cannot eat your cake and have it - either you fully enjoy your studies or your job - you cannot enjoy both, as it will bring you down - literally. This low point made me feel so miserable, and the only person I thought that could help was Yoni. I rang him, but he did not answer. Then he called me back, which I see as his own decision (thus, I have nothing to do with it), and indeed talking to him cheered me up greatly, but it is much like all short-living pleasures (red wine, chocolate and Jeff Dunham's shows), has no additional value that can keep your head over the water for another day. I felt so down that I broke a promise I made to a close friend. It seems like I am falling into patterns again. I do not deal with the probelm, I take out all the rage on me.

Speaking of patterns, it seems like the Red Knight falls into the type of guys I have relationships with: geek, both parents in the same profession and he has bad relationship with at least one of the parents. I do not know what to do about it. Should I accept the fact that the relationship with Red Knight looks like a compilation CD titled "the very best of every past relationship you ever had", or should I stop seeing him, as I know how these relationships usually end?

Back to School, Again

2008-01-20T13:56:00.000+02:00

The lecturers' strike is finally over, and now I will really start studying. It is going to be hectic and weird, but at least I will be studying!

It also means I will start doing my job as the dorm-team party planner, and get my free beer card to the students' pub. Yay!

I keep thinking about reasons not to be with the Red Knight, even though nothing is decided officially yet. My spiritual friend Irit says I do it because of the behavioural patterns the Mythological Ex intilled in me. I hope I will not blow away a good and healthy relationship just because of my twisted perception of true love.

A Whole New World

2008-01-19T18:11:00.000+02:00

The Red Knight spent the weekend at my place, and since a picture is worth a thousand words, the whole experience felt like this:

If it really was so magical, why am I so miserable right now?

Empty Tank

2008-01-15T21:44:00.000+02:00

I have nothing. Really. Absolutely nothing. I tried to come up with a post last night, but all I could come up with were small anecdotes that are not interesting, once you typed them.

Israel gunned down today some militants, among them Mahmoud A-Zahhar's son. This guy really is unlucky with Israeli strikes. This is the second son he lost in Israeli attacks. Later today a car bombed killed a couple of people in Beirut, so I was kept busy. It is awful that I needed more people to die so I will not call Yoni, as I am sure he had something to do with the things in Gaza. I really want to hear first-hand all about the things in Gaza, but I guess this will never happen.

The Red Knight slowly but surely gains fans among my friends, which is cool. He is quite irresistible.

Ambushed

2008-01-11T11:20:00.000+02:00

In a few hours it will be over, that Bush-fever, that swept over the entire country, and especially over this city. It is almost unbelievable how much havoc was caused because of this man. My sister studied for only a few hours each day, because the school had to be evacuated by the time His Excellency went by. Do students in Washington DC also have to evacuate the school whenever the president goes to a meeting at the Congress or something?
The only good thing, actually, two good things about this visit, were that 1. Jerusalem was thoroughly cleaned in preparation to the visit. I wonder how long it will last. 2. Bush wanted to see the sunrise over the old city's walls, but yesterday's morning was very foggy, as foggy as Jerusalem can be. Ha!

The Wanderer

2008-01-05T20:30:00.000+02:00

On Thursday I was a fabulous friend, and took a train all the way up to Haifa for a friend's birthday party. Before that, I met the Red Knight for a drink. The initial plan was coffee and cake, but as he did not feel like it, so he suggested we go to his favourite pub. I was after a very long train ride, and a beer was just the thing for me. I've got to tell you, that pub is the most darling place I've ever seen. It is small, and has its quirky rules, like no more than six people per table. And it serves cool English beers. It reminded me of the Blue Hole, only the Hole allows its clients to have a lot of friends. I had a great time with the Knight. Even though he does not read and a self-proclaimed atheist, we talked for hours - I was late for Shira's party. He drove me to Shira's party, and when it was time to say goodbye, he picked me up and kissed me on the cheek. I felt like that girl from King Kong.

Shira's party was in a lovely little cafe. I wish there was a place like that in Jerusalem. The Coffee Mill is close, but not quite it. When we walked back to Shira's flat (her neighbours have a horse in their backyard!), I had a revelation - Tivon is like Stars Hollow. Shira agrees, so it must be true.

When it was time to start the journey back to Jerusalem, something went horribly wrong with the plan - I could not find the bus back to Jerusalem. Instead, in a very brilliant move, I decided to take the bus to Haifa, because I am a big-city gal and can find my way back more easily from a densely populated area than in a deserted road near a lovely and green God-forsaken town. My plan worked out smoothly, and I slept most of the ride, listening to U2 while the rain drew diagonal lines on the window.

The Wonderer

The past two days raised the question: do I want to see the Red Knight again? Shira was really impressed, as he asked her if every thing is fine, since she had a strained look on her face. This is really remarkable, and probably overshadows his lack of faith and reading habits.

Bookworm

2008-01-02T15:54:00.000+02:00

Last night I had a very interesting chat with the Red Knight. Apparently he does not read. At all. He studies computer science, so he does not have articles to read for his studies. I must say that his statement about not reading nearly knocked me to the floor. All the people I know read, to some extent. Peter, for example, flew to Yemen, and took with him tons of heavy books, causing his suitcases to be overweight. Two of my friends hope to publish a book some day. It is almost inconceivable for me. After he told me that, I picked up the book I currently read and felt very special and almost as if reading is a protest.

Victim of the Circumstances

2007-12-27T22:46:00.001+02:00

Badulinic philosophy is a pile of tosh and today I got my proof. As was shown in previous posts, the whole point of this philosophy is not to be a victim of circumstances. It is rather OK if you are a guy and not a subject to hormonal changes that are not controlled by you. One always has the choice if to be a victim of the circumstances, but one cannot help being a victim of the circumstances when the PMS waves drive her to want to chop people's heads off if they do as much as walk too slow. So. Badullinic philosophy is chauvinist. QED. Now I can sleep peacefully.

Providence

God loves me, and today I got my proof.
Also, I discovered that my favourite religious rock singer actually lives in Jerusalem! Ever since AB introduced me to Jess Cantelon I listened to "Secret Place" countless times, especially when I had an exceptionally good day and did not know how to thank God for that (casually ignoring the line about Jesus dying upon the cross).

Double Meaning, Double Standards

2007-12-25T15:04:00.000+02:00

Last night, after Mass, I sat with my two flat mates in Babbette, which is the coolest place on Earth. If you have not visited it yet, and you live in Israel, or better yet, Jerusalem, go there now. Later it will be packed. If you do not live in Israel, next time you are here, go. It is that good. A friend of mine said that the waffles, which is all that Babbette serves, are (quote) "culinary orgasm". Anyway, we ate waffles and talked about this and that. At some point we discussed how we call the flat. It is rather funny, but I call it "home", which is rather confusing to my parents when I go home (i.e., my parents' house) and say that I want to go home soon. It is purely semantics, but how will I call my parents' house when they will move (if ever)? Would they expect me to call it "home" as well?

In the Foot Steps of Christ

2007-12-25T13:18:00.000+02:00

There is something about Christmas, that makes everyone giddy with excitement. Well, at least those who mark that day. Maybe it is the feeling of being part of something bigger; the knowledge that everywhere around the world, people gather in a certain place, say (approximately) the same text and mark the same event. Jewish holidays have the same basis, but as one comedian summarized them ("they tried to kill us, they couldn't, let's eat"), they essentially mark a traumatic experience. Christmas, on the other hand, marks a rather cheerful and simple event - a birthday, and I think this is the core of its attraction.

Yesterday in Mass I was compelled to act as both translator and interpreter. I do not think I am such an expert on Christian matters, but somehow I managed to chant along with everyone the text (they said it in Arabic, I muttered it in English) and join some of the songs.

The interesting thing about Christmas is that no matter where you were last night, the attention of the whole Christian world was focused on one tiny city - Bethlehem. I feel really privileged that when the Bible says that Abraham went to Sedom, I know where it is, or when the New Testament says that Jesus walked on water, I actually was there.