confessionsofablackorchid

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2006-08-01T10:38:00.000+02:00

Until further notice, i'm not blogging anymore.
The long holiday and writer's block has stopped me from posting for almost 7 weeks, and i hate putting a shoddy piece of work toward to my peers.

So until i blog again, here is a litttle formula you can use to plot how my day went:

I am so (insert emotion, usually: very mad/depressed/suicidal/homicidal) !
My (classmates/Department/so called friends/the bergie up the street/my ex)
did (ignored me/insulted me/used me/forgot about me/do not care)
I just want to (scream/go eat ice cream/poison the drinkingwater/take a lot of meds/seek professional help)

bitch bitch bitch bitch......

(insert posistive sentence so my friends think its out of my system and wont call my mom)

(insert wish/promise to visit stellenbosch soon)

(nice smiley face, accompanied by a goodbye)

Until I write again, cheers!

Future

2006-06-10T10:52:00.000+02:00

So this whole week we had full-day classes (8-5), with the exception of Wednesday and Friday. But at least it was practical classes. Exhausting, but better than theory. And guess what we did? Hands and splints!
I dunno how many of you know about the car accident I was in a few years back, but I broke 4 metacarpels, and had to have surgery. This just means that I saw an Occupational Therapist (O.T.), and some other people, for quite a while, and got 2 splints during the time of my recovery.

So, what does all this mean? Of all the directions you can specialize as an O.T. (Children, Geriatrics, Burnwounds, Neuro, Rehab, ect) Hands and Splints is something i always wanted to do.
And after this week, I feel a bit better about my course. At least now I can see where I'm heading. I just have to survive the next 18 months...

Here is a few pics of one of the splints I made, enjoy.
And enjoy your weekend!
:)

Almost happy

2006-06-07T16:15:00.000+02:00

K's Choice has always been one of my favourite bands. Recently i started listening to them a lot again.

"You’re almost happy
Almost content"

A wonderful to describe my mood. I'm:
ticked where appropriate:
(a)Not depressed to the point of jumping out a window
(b)Not wanting to go on a mass murder killing spree in my class and Department
(c)Not wanting to cut myself to threads because I think I’m not coping

Just, almost happy.

I believe no one can be blissfully happy. Maybe when you are in love, or just after Christmas and/or your birthday, but I honestly believe that complete happiness always eludes us.
Always one more thing we want to accomplish to be happier. One more goal. And always something (or more like someone) to send us sliding back down the ladder. There is always something to worry your fragile little minds. Something keeping us from perfect happiness. But that’s ok. It keeps things in perspective. Only one side of a pendilum is so utterly boring anyways.

So, if you asked me today: "How are you?" and I replied "Almost happy", be glad.
It is a good place...
:)

Guilt

2006-06-06T00:21:00.000+02:00

When the fuzziness of bliss wears off,
and the waves euphoria dwindle.
When the edges of happiness fade away,
The dark beast always return.

Guilt

never gone
always waiting
never tiring

And even when the blood forms crimson on my skin,
when all i seek is forgiveness.
Not even that can cleanse it from me.

The dark grin always waits, patiently.

For its never sleeps
its never gone
it just waits for the next time i fall....

My sister's wedding

2006-06-03T12:23:00.000+02:00

So, I have been talking while about my sister getting married, and THE pink dress.
Well, she got married the 20th of May in the Drakensberg, it was 11'C, and we(the bridesmaids) wore THE pink dresses. We lovingly dubbed ourselves "The Barbie Brigade" and we went as Barbie, Tinkerbell(me) and Skipper. It was actually al ot of fun. :)

My sis and her husband (still feels funny) stayed until the very last dance. It was 4'C when I got into bed. It was amazing.
Nothing brings a family together like a wedding. Nothing is as much fun as a wedding (especially if you are dressed in complete pink, its a license to go crazy!) So, in 4 years time its my turn? ....I think not.

Here is some pictures, I'm leaving you to guess who is who, blogger NEVER post the pics in the right order.
Adeu my friends, enjoy the weekend!!!

The bad stuffs

2006-06-02T00:22:00.000+02:00

I am angry.

At my stupid, illogical and uncaring course.
At my friends that never visit me.
At my family that is too far way for me to see.
At the fact that i feel powerless.
That the walls are so close to me, that i cannot take a swing at them anymore.
Angry at my dreams that are dissapearing,
along with my hopes, all gone in a puff of smoke.
Angry at exes, for being so careless with fragile hearts.
And people for leaving, and stopping to care.
But almost most of all, that in this crowd i am in, there is no one to hug,
no genuine smile for me.
I am angry because i am lost.
I am angry because i am sad...

Fragile dreams

2006-05-31T12:41:00.000+02:00

Well peoples, I will try and update my blog.
Not much this week, just studies and class... sigh. I REALLY hate class at the moment. I have 2nd year anatomy, but we didn't have 1st year anatomy last year... go figure.

But, let me rather tell you about my weekend. It left me with a content fuzzy feeling.
I had coffee with EJ on Saturday. It was nice. We sat in the freezing cold, him smoking his cigarettes, me nursing my hot chocolate. We had a open discussion about our visible and invisible scars.
His roomie passes us a bit later and sat down with us. We spoke about our courses, and where we wanted to go. But i heard this week she she broke up with her boyfriend, and now everyone is sad.. It all feels like a dream now...

That evening we went to Alucard's and Ti_Ana's birthday party.
I sat outside on the swings, listening to a river bubbling nearby. I hear so little of nature, it was a shock to realize ho long ago I was actually in a garden. Shocking!
13ishop and Shin joined me, and we had an interesting discussion: If you had all the money in the world, what would your dream house look like? It was interesting to hear how each person can dream differently.

My weekend was dreamy and fuzzy, sprinkled with ice crystals and spoken with a gentle white fog when breathed.

I miss all of you terribly...

2006-05-26T08:50:00.000+02:00

holy smokes!

Is been 10 days since my last post! Well, what can i say? Studies, and of course, my sister's wedding. (but that is another blog all on its own... :P)

All is well, my friends? How is the studies, and the exams? How is the love in your life, and the ones that love you back?

But yay, and double yay, it is weekend, so please go out and have a LOT of fun, and drag a couple of your friends along!

until later
*mwah*

my fabulous weekend (and yes i may boast)

2006-05-16T18:44:00.000+02:00

Friday evening: What a fabulous way to start the weekend! It was my hostel’s house dance. It was the perfect opportunity to have a huge amount of fun with my friends, my date was a perfect gentleman, I cant remember when last I had that much fun…. (um, well maybe my 23rd birthday party ;)

Saturday evening: All my Stellenbosh friends joined me for drinks and dinner at The Brazenhead. Thank you so much for EJ, P@, Lexi and J for being there, you made it very special for me.

Pity I didn’t get any decent pics of you guys. Grrr… Silly photo dodging peoples….

Sunday I watched Ice harvest, Butterfly Effect and Pirates of the Caribbean. It was blissful calm and relaxing.
Butterfly effect just really bends your mind, leaving you feeling sad, empty, and thankful for the experience.

Monday, birthday, yayday!!! I stayed in bed until illegally late, almost missing my afternoon class, but it was worth it. I got to spend my birthday in Stellenbosh!!!! A big thankyou to Griffin for making my birthday, and the weekend special.

So, I am another year older, but strangely, I feel more blessed. This weekend really showed me how dear my friends are, and how much they mean to me.

I take my bow, say my thanks, and the same next year, chaps?
Jolly good!

intermission

2006-05-16T08:47:00.000+02:00

Heloo!
Before i tell you of my glorious weekend (and how glorious it was indeed) I need to get all the pictures i took.
So, here is a little intermission, while i scare myself up some photo's....
*scuttles away*

Will you not in death find life?
For in life there is certainly death.
Death of innosence, end of hope, and then, end of life itself.
In death there is closure.
In death there is peace.
I wish to embrace life,
does that mean i have to embrace death then?

Wednesday

2006-05-10T08:12:00.000+02:00

Good morning my fellow bloggers! All is well?

I am writing Musculo Anatomy in a few hours, wish me luck!
I have no wisecracks, no deep philosophical insights, no tales to tell, just a "how do ya do and goodnight y'all!"

Speak to you later.

The Monday after

2006-05-08T17:02:00.000+02:00

Well, me fellow blggers, I'm back. (and i have the scars to prove it)

I wrote my very big and important and scary neuro test on friday, and battled flu till late last night, but you know what?
Today wasnt all that bad. No thoughts about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. No issues with my way-too-young class. No self punishment, no anything bad.

The sun was warm and fuzzy, and i felt.... content. Happy it a bit of a long shot, but content is good, it is a good feeling.

It is good to see EJ's posting again, and i think anni's blog is beautiful, thanks to anni and niel and karen and everyone else for posting replies.

It is becoming a lazy and hazy late afternoon here, so i will go now.

"Miskien is niks soos wat ek dink dit is nie
My greep op my geloof glip gereeld
My wonde wonder waar genesing kom vandaan
Soet slaap sonder sonde vanaand "

2006-05-04T21:22:00.000+02:00

Hey, im here, barely but here.
Writing a HUGE neuro test tomorrow, whilst battling flu. grrr.....

Watch this space. Something might happen...eventually.

untitled

2006-05-03T17:20:00.000+02:00

Helooo!

I had a fabulous weekend in stellies, and had a not so fabulous lunch on Sunday. It was clearly National Idiotic Waiter day. Pls read about it on Lexi's blog, it makes me angry just thinking about it. grrrrr.....

Another poem:

What I miss about you:

I miss the downward curwe of your mouth after I tell a joke

I miss the way you don't call me after a date

I miss the way you make me pay for my own movie

I miss the way you roll your eyes when I tell you about my bad day

I miss your sms, the one that came once a week

I miss your friends' disapproving looks at me

I miss the way I had to beg you to go out

I miss the look of disdain when you speak of my friends

but most of all

I miss the way you never missed me
the way I always came second
and the way you just left me...

A bit of quiz, a dash of disorder and serve with a good laugh

2006-04-30T23:15:00.000+02:00

After seeing the link to the personality disorder quiz on J's page (http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv),
I decide to talke it too. here is the results:

Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low

Hey, we all knew i was a bit crazy, and now we've got a name for it! ;)

What did you get?

sad sad sad sad

2006-04-27T15:00:00.000+02:00

My heart - K's Choice

"Break my face, my back, my arms, my neck
But please don't break my heart"

"Love feels just like pain"

What if you do the breaking? What if you can hear the bones crushing? How do you stop pain? Do you inflict it upon yourself? Can you ever punish yourself enough to make up for what you have done? But my blades are blunt, and i'm sick of the scars. I'm sick of the punishment i sentenced myself to.

I hurt today. I don't know why. All I know is it is sore, and I want it to stop.

Wishlist

2006-04-26T20:28:00.000+02:00

Today i got THE pink dress. Y'know, the ones bridesmaids wear to make the bride look stunning in comparison? Grrr......
I'm SO gonna make my sister pay on my wedding. (evil finger thingy)

And yes, I still have spyware.
And yes, my computer is about 2.5 seconds away from being hurtled out of the window. Dont ask.

My wishlist:

I wish for this war in my pc to end.

I want to end the war within myself.
I wish for peace inside me.

and classes only until lunch. :)

I wish for my closest friends to feel better.

I wish for my ex to be struck with something long and painful.

I wish to feel no more hate.

To wake up without pain...
anything is better than razorblades in your heart.

I wish for warm fuzzy sunshine, and kittens on the grass.

I wish for a good merlot and someone to share it with.

Trojans, ads and colds

2006-04-25T16:29:00.000+02:00

yes, peoples, yesterday morning my computer went down. Down, whilst wailing like a sick puppy...

so waddaya gonna do? NUKE EM!!!! Mwahahahaha!!!! (Red Alert flashbacks)

so peoples, i am back, finally, with the wrath of a thousand antivirusses, and hope that you all had a pretty cool weekend. My day was the usual 8-5 crap, so let me kick back, relax, and leave you with another poem:

“Your back turned was the ice in my blade
Your judas smile was the cut I made
Your victory was my defeat
Your life was my blood
That flowed until you lived”

sun, beach, and goth

2006-04-23T20:06:00.000+02:00

Hellooo people!!!

I have fianlly returned from a glorious weekend in Gansbaai (photo's attached to make you guys uber jealous :)

soundtrack of my life

2006-04-19T12:04:00.000+02:00

Lunch:
On the notes of Natsukage (Air) I am blissfully floating through my day...

here is some poetry I wrote, 3 guesses who it is for:

What do I want?
Deep down here?
I want you to feel,
firstly just to feel love for anything than yourself,
but more,
I wish to return to you, a fraction of the pain you gave me,
for not only will my burden be lighter,
but I know that the pain will certainly break you...

Postmortem

2006-04-18T11:29:00.000+02:00

Lunch:
Ah, now that the loooong weekend is finally over, I can perform the postmortem.

Lets see, slept over at 3 friend's flats, had lunch with another 5... rollercoaster, typhoon, warrelwind? It was fun though, saw almost all my friends, so thank you to all of you.

P@ and ej kept on complaining I was too quiet though. What? Cannot figure that one out...

Pls allow me to bitch (this is my own bloody blog)
Guys guys, if you don't tell me stuff, how am I supposed to know? I may be a little psycho, but I am not psychic. jeesh, just tell me these things. After reading the others blogs I finally understand. Mine was called Cipramil. Lovely stuff. I grinned like an idiot for weeks. Happy happy time, although i could not tell you why.... :/
Now all that's left is one or two bad defence mechanisms, but so what, its my cure for reality.

17H30
Just got hold of the Air and Elfen Leid soundtracks, my life is just paradise. Amazing what a good piano solo can do for you...

2006-04-17T19:42:00.000+02:00

Yes, it is so.

peer pressure will always be a force to be reckoned with.
thank you seminormal, p@, lexi and J

I shall take my bow now
*curtain drops*

that's all for tonight folks!