Beck

As plain as the nose on your face...

2008-07-17T09:53:00.002-06:00

The family rented the movie "Penelope" this week. It was a fun, light flick that my kids enjoyed. This is not a recommendation of this silly fairy tale movie, but there was a message that hit home that I'm sure the screenwriter, director, and producer never intended.

In my eyes, I saw the message to be that I, this confused gay Mormon boy, must come to terms with myself and love me for who I am, without desiring to be someone else, or to be changed from what I have no control over, or to be worried about what others see in me or think of me. I saw her pig-snout face as a symbol of my homosexuality... something that is a part of me as much as the nose on my face.

I have come to realize that I really do like myself as I am (I'm still working on loving myself - a long way to go there...), but I'm still very fearful of what others see in me or think of me. How can I live a productive, full, fulfilled life, fully "vibrating" (as Elbow says), if I'm constantly worried about what others may think if they really knew "all" about me. It's no big deal. I'm still me. I'm still who I am.

But the image of the photo above, reacting to the revelation of my "truth" speaks volumes as to how fearful I still am of what others may think.

I don't know how to get past this... and move on... and live.

No big deal...

2008-07-15T07:25:00.007-06:00

I had a really vivid dream last night. It scared me how real it felt and I awoke in a pool of sweat. I found myself cuddling in bed with another man. He was holding me and kissing me when my teenage son came in the bedroom to report that he was going off to hang out with some of his friends. His reaction to my being held by another man, naked in bed, was matter-of-fact and nonchalant. It was as if this was no big deal and that everything was cool between me and him. I don't know where my wife or daughters were - as far as I can remember - they didn't exist. And yet, why was I so wigged out that my son "caught" me in bed and yet he didn't really think anything of it?

The man I was with tried to lovingly comfort me and calm me down. When I looked back into the eyes and arms of the guy that was holding me, it was a guy I work with from time to time. I have no physical relationship whatsoever with him and yet in my dream there he was in my bed with me. When I recognized him, it was at that point I awoke in a panic.

I don't dream very often. My dreams are few and far between and often come out as disjointed vignettes. I'm not like J G-W who has meaningful, thoughtful and intelligent dreams. Oh to think what John has to endure as he contemplates much more significant, relevant subconscious thoughts!

In the end, I continue to feel vulnerable and exposed. Why am I so afraid of being found out? What am I so ashamed of? What's the big deal? In today's world, being a 20-something, maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal - but for this old bugger, it still is a big deal.

As I conducted priesthood meeting on Sunday, I thought of all these good brothers before me who were fellow old buggers, who didn't have a clue of what vain and silly things I had done this last week and how confused and torn I was inside, longing to be loved and understood, and yet unable to tell them. What if they did know - would they stone me out the door of the church? My facade securely in place, I proceeded to greet each with a firm handshake, making eye-contact one-on-one, and several I gave warm hugs. I needed that touch. But in doing so, I felt isolated and alone - I felt not apart of them. I was separate. I was different, and they had not a clue what was going on inside me.

We were having a discussion on the post-mortal spirit world. There was a quote that was read that said: "The spirits of righteous people who have died are not far from us, and know and understand our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and are often pained therewith" (Teaching of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 326) and "Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us". (Ezra Taft Benson).

My thoughts went to the idea that my loved ones, particularly my recent family member who has passed on two months ago, are watching me. Do they have a clue? Do they know my issues and struggles? Do they see me do stupid things, and are pained at my struggles that I've tried to keep private and closeted all my life. The thought that they are aware of my thoughts and feelings and emotions and are pained therewith give me pause. Maybe it's presumptuous of me to think that I'm this important to be the focus of their attention, as I've thought that those who have died are way to preoccupied with other concerns than with those of us still in our mortal estate - I thought they had more important things to worry about. I'm not real comfortable with the thought that our dearly departed see all that we do in secret. Somehow, I know the Lord knows, but does everyone know?

I don't know about you, but I'm not real comfortable with the idea of dearly departed grandmother or grandfather watching me in the shower or noting my every indiscretion. I hope that they don't see everything, but that they are allowed to see that which is needed to be seen, to help us along the way.

So, with the dream of my son knowing and not caring, with wondering about priesthood brothers knowing about my issues and fear of rejection from them, with these thoughts of the afterlife and dear loved ones knowing every needful thing, and with being too open and exposed in this blog, I keep asking myself - what's the big deal? What am I so afraid of?

"You're so 18th Century!"

2008-07-12T18:21:00.004-06:00

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."

-- 1 John 1: 8-10

I have sinned. I have fallen off the wagon. I am not perfect. I have failed in my attempt to be perfect.

I do not feel it appropriate to share details of the nature of my "sins", but suffice it to say that I was on the road this week, alone, in a hotel in an out-of -state city. It is not good to be alone, especially with confusing hormones raging like a teenager. I have slipped up, have done some stupid and silly things, have lost part of my resolve, and have indulged in vain and frivolous things. I may be excused, some may say, because I should never have tried to go "cold turkey" or to have made a resolution that was all or nothing, knowing that someday I would fail and fall (even though the "cold turkey" approach was my immediate reaction to a situation where I felt if I continued on the path I was on, I would lose everything I had, but most especially the love and affection and relationship of my wife, and particularly of my son). I may be excused, others may say, because of my attractions that have bubbled up in recent days like the volcano ready to erupt, and such things are bound to happen for a gay married Mormon guy so closeted and closed off of any possible way of letting off the building pressure and steam. If I keep such a tight grip on the lid and don't give myself any slack, I'm certain to explode.

Others may be disappointed that I fell, that I lost my resolve, and that I'm not living up to my potential or the example I make myself out to be. They may find my recent arousals and subsequent ventures into self-pleasure as not heeding the warning signs of too intimate of touch, or of allowing curiosity to get the best of me.

Others still, may see this as a bunch of crap and that I'm choosing to live a life of self-imposed conflict, confusion and delusional dishonesty - in other words, a life that is "so 18th Century! I mean, really, why would anyone choose to live like that?"

All I can say is that I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I'm not the poster-child of the MOHO MOMs. I never set out to be an example with any special knowledge. I've been very honest in my shortcomings, immaturity, and lack of progression. Maybe I've been too honest, as to cloud my thinking and blur my vision, obstructing me from seeing correctly the amount of progress I have truly made, and the amount of integrity I still have in my possession despite all this angst and confusion. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have been given - no, it's more than that - what I have been blessed with. I refuse to tear down or throw away that which I have created, including marriage and kids, church and testimony. It's been too long down this particular road. I'm too committed. I can't turn back. But I also refuse to throw away these other parts that are very much a part of who I am and still need exploring - they are poorly understood and very confusing to me - still after this 4 year journey now of open dialogue with myself about these parts of me - these parts that long to be loved, understood, sexually complete. I thought I would figure them out after 4 years - or nearly five decades for that matter. Come to find out, I still am not the master of my universe, for they master me.

If you are proud of me that I've sinned, that I've allowed myself to break for a moment from my 18th Century existence, please understand that I am not proud. If you are saddened by my lack of resolve, please understand that I am not saddened.

I just am...

P.S. Don't misread my comments here. I am by no means equating "being gay" with "sin". Nor am I equating my "attractions" with "sin". In the last 4 years of coming to terms with these feelings within myself, I have at least come to realize the fallacy of such equations!

Everyone knows but me...

2008-07-10T08:01:00.006-06:00

I feel very vulnerable and transparent right now. I've come to find out that the facade I've built around myself and my world really isn't all that opaque, but, in fact is quite transparent. Recently, I've revealed things through being too personal on my blog and with email correspondences that has caused me to lose the shroud of anonymity that I've sought to preserve for so long. I've been "found out" and this freaks me out.

And then I get freaked out for being so freaked out about being found out.

I feel like I'm wearing the emperor's new clothes and everyone knows but me that I'm completely naked and no one will tell me so to my face.

I feel like an A&F model who is completely naked though somehow delusionally being told that it's okay as I'm marketing clothing for a clothing store while wearing no clothing.

Or that I'm modeling something hideously silly though being told it looks great...

Am I that transparent?

Why do I cling to anonymity? Why am I still so afraid to be "found out"? I say it is because I don't need to have extra drama in my life, for my wife, for my kids in particular. But is it also for my profession, for my status, for my ego?

What am I so afraid of? What am I so ashamed of?

Maybe I've been too personal - too detailed - too casual. I've done so to be real with myself. I've tried to use the blog as a reflection of what is really going on, with real events and real commentary on those events, emotions, feelings in my life and not just generic commentary on the subject of the day in the news. But maybe I've gone too far... Maybe I should back off... Maybe I should disappear and reappear with "new clothing".

Why didn't anyone tell me before that I wasn't wearing any clothes?

And why do I feel so vulnerable? It's been four years this month since I outed myself to myself. Don't you think after four years I would be okay with this by now?

Over or under?

2008-07-06T09:02:00.004-06:00

Over or under?

I consider myself a man-hug connoisseur. I make myself open to almost anyone for a hug. I've noted this ad nausea before - but, hey, for someone like me in this situation I'm in, it's what I live for.

Often hugs with good friends come long and hard with arms over the top of the shoulders. If one is over, sometimes the other is under, but still around the chest. Or sometimes one is up over one shoulder and under the other matching the other's embrace in a locked pair.

But what about both being under - around the waist - holding tightly together down low?

I was at a wedding yesterday for another dear friend... three in three months of my dear 20-somethings biting the dust. This friend I haven't spoken about here. But, needless to say, he has been very open to my affection and I adore his innocence and sweetness and kindness toward everyone, and especially toward me. I have always been open to him and he has sensed that and reciprocated willingly, sometimes with surprising gusto. But I digress...

After the wedding ceremony, the traditional parade of family and friends filed to the head of the altar to greet the newly formed eternal family, hugging the couple - and as usual, the Mormon hugs of pats and quick embraces (never a duration over 3 seconds - I know - I was watching and consciously counting) proceeded in normal fashion - both family and friends. When I came to Matthew, I was pretty sure it would be different between us. He grabbed me enthusiastically and squeezed me tightly into him. It was the one-arm-up-and-over in combo with the other under-and-around. It had to have been 30 seconds! He didn't let me go. So the harder he squeezed, I reciprocated, his bride staring at us, my wife looking on... and a line of greeters still to come.

And then it happened... right there in the temple, at the altar no less. I started to get excited down under. So, I kissed his neck and broke the hug, said something quickly to the bride, grabbed my wife and left abruptly, a bit red I'm sure.

I don't know if this abstinence thing has anything to do with it, but I was feeling it pretty good and the "volcano" analogy of "doing something stupid" entered my mind... and in the House of the Lord no less. I didn't plan this. I didn't want it... Well, maybe I did, but not there in that place and time.

But it gets weirder... We stayed after for the photos around the temple grounds. For the most part, Matthew was focused on his bride and his family as it should be. But at one point, as the photographer organized her with her siblings, Matthew was freed up and came over and gave me another embrace. He was obviously very happy and sweet, and we hugged intently.

Then, at the wedding breakfast, he was away from her as I came in and we hugged "intently" again, but this time with our arms both low, around our waists. We transitioned from over the top to under and around with both arms, holding ourselves tightly. It just happened as we dropped around each other's waists. By now I was totally confused... this was the third intimate hug.

At the end of the breakfast, my wife went to the bathroom and I found myself with the groom fairly alone at the entry to the restaurant with well-wishers leaving... and for the fourth time, we fell into the embrace again... and again it was definitely both of us under and around the waists. We held our foreheads together, like we were slow dancing as a couple. And it happened again. I allowed myself to kiss him again. I was getting really excited. I backed off and looked up and noted a man (not part of the wedding party) sitting at a bench staring oddly at the two of us. Had he noticed our embrace? He was staring straight at us. Fortunately, my wife arrived in time for us to make a quick exit.

It takes an awful lot of attention and affection for me to "get going" with my wife. At times it works well, and at other times, it takes a lot of work. But with these spontaneous little encounters with my friend on his wedding day, it wasn't work at all. It just happened.

I can't believe I'm sharing this. I feel I need to get this out. I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel so bottled up inside. If it can be this spontaneous, is that what it should be like for a normal couple? I mean, is this spontaneous reaction what happens to normal married folk? I guess I'm dwelling on just all that I'm struggling with... and how wonderful it feels to be in the arms of another man... even if that man is innocent, sweet, just married, and straight... as all my "men" now are.

I don't know how much longer I can deal with this...

Conflict...

2008-06-26T16:18:00.004-06:00

I don't know if anyone really follows this blog anymore, and that's okay as it never was intended to be for a "following" in the first place - all it really is, is for me to have my own sounding board to discuss with myself issues that I cannot discuss anywhere else...

but I really need some outside counsel.

It has been 76 days now (yes, I'm actually counting - does that mean something?) since I have looked at any website of any kind (G, PG, R, etc.), not even swimming suit ads, nor artistic photo sites, and no YouTube (which started the whole thing in the first place with my son finding me watching PG scenes of guys kissing), and at least that long since having downloaded anything of any kind, and that long since deleting past downloads (of pretty tame stuff I must point out). I thought after I had passed the 2 month barrier I was home free and beyond this. I was okay... (not that I really wasn't okay before - but I didn't want to confuse my family and add difficulty to an already difficult family situation - particularly with regards to my son - who by the way is fine and hasn't made any reference to that situation since then).

But I'm not okay.

I saw that Abelard posted today... and I love Abelard and all that he offers to this community. He is kind and sensitive and caring to everyone. He has become a dear and special friend. He innocently has posted a humorous ad from YouTube that I found quite amusing. It wasn't the ad... it was the YouTube links that are given at the end at the bottom as the mouse is allowed to scroll on by... I saw the one of "gay couple hottest kiss"... and just froze. I wanted to click on it and see what it was.

It's that proverbial hook.

But I didn't bite and I haven't... but the point is - I want to... and this is so stupid... I thought I was beyond this. I thought I had moved on! But come to find out, I haven't moved on at all. I've just stopped. Nothing has changed. I've just stopped.

Again, nothing happened... but I feel so conflicted inside. Even after all this time and fooling myself into thinking that all is well and I'm in control and things are cool.

I didn't click on it. I know that if I do, it will be the door opening all over again and I'm not going to do that... I have promised myself and my family that I'm not going to do that.

So, with such resolve and commitment to the promises I've made, why do I remain here feeling so conflicted? so confused? so self-loathing?

I'm really tired of the fight. I'm just really tired...of fighting...

A few observations...

2008-06-24T18:51:00.004-06:00

I know these are generalizations and are not meant as anything but innocent notes... nothing more - nothing less... but, here are a few observations noted from the recent trip to Southern Europe since the last trip a few years ago:

1. Freeways and drivers aren't as aggressive as before. And average speeds have drastically reduced from 140 -150 k/h to 120 -130 k/h. Is this due to the high cost of fuel? Or is the populous slowing down a bit?

2. Drivers, particularly Italians no longer use their horn when driving. Before, they used it to yell at you to get out of the way, blasting away at their horn, or to just warn you that they were in the vicinity.

3. Toilets in bars and restaurants, for the most part, have drastically been updated and modernized. Sanitation has taken a giant step forward.

4. Graffiti and litter are drastically reduced (except in Lyon, France), including along train tracks, stations, freeways, and industrial areas.

5. Guys are much taller than they used to be. This last generation has shot up past their parents nearly a full foot! Most teens and 20-somethings are eye level with me (6'-3") and this rarely occurred before. And is it just me or are they all cuter than they used to be?

6. Beaches are much more conservative. Maybe it's the beaches we happened to go to on the Mediterranean, (we were on the Riviera), but it was clearly noted that there were NO topless beaches! Before, almost all beaches were topless across the board. Also, the 20-somethings and younger guys are all wearing board shorts to the knee, and speedos are left to the older generations - including the ancient guys... not a pretty sight. A few years back you would never see board shorts at all with every guy in a skimpy speedo. NOTE: I can't say that I noticed the women beach attire, but my wife informed me that she saw a couple of 1-piece swimming suits and noticed they were being featured in a new fashion magazine.

7. Guy hairstyles are across the board. I saw a lot of shaved or very short hairstyles as well as lots of ponytails and long hair. Seldom did I see beards or mustaches or goatees of any kind, but lots of sideburns of various lengths and 3 to 4-day growths. NOTE: I can't say that I noticed the women and their hairstyles (I think they still had hair) - sorry...

8. Earrings on guys is a very regional thing. Some towns and cities you'd see none sporting earrings while other towns, particularly along the coast, you'd see more with single and double earrings than not.

9. Everything, I mean everything is more expensive... Of course, the dollar's value has been deflated, but it's amazing how average Gino can afford to live! We'd look at real estate in the storefront windows and note how expensive it is to buy new property or remodeled villas or apartments. So much for the dream of living over there... at least for now... I can still dream, but it ain't going to be a reality anytime soon.

10. The food can never be better! They really know how to eat! They say that Italians "live to eat, while Americans eat to live". That has never been more true. And let's don't even talk about the gelato! It makes me never want to eat American ice cream again.

11. Smoking was banned to the exterior of all public spaces, including bars and restaurants in Italy, but not in France the last time. Now, smoking is banned in both countries across the board! What a breath of fresh air - except now, everyone smokes on the sidewalk...

12. Oh, did I say that the guys are cuter than ever?

Anticipation...

2008-06-21T14:17:00.003-06:00

I'm back!

For good or for bad...

I love to plan trips. I can study and research maps and places for hours and days and months. There is a lot of fun in the anticipation factor - just imagining how wonderful the adventure and experience will be and how exciting it will be to personally experience beautiful places, cultures and meeting and mingling with new people.

The actual trip often lives up to those expectations and is everything you imagined it to be - perfect weather, wonderful vistas, passionate people, delicious food, amazing architecture - and even more: a connection to your very soul. But, sometimes there can be bad weather, horrendous traffic, flat tires, jet lag, and a myriad of other things that dampen the magic of the experience. Yet, despite the realities, it is still can be a life-altering experience.

Coming home after the trip, you find life has gone on without you and now you've got to catch up. Your body doesn't know what time it is and you've got 300 business emails all demanding a piece of you as soon as you get home... and your wonderful experience begins to fade as real life takes over. And soon a day or two later, you wonder - "Did I really go on that trip?"

I love to travel!

I've had an incredible experience. I love the thrill of "what's around the bend". I love to master the back roads of a foreign country. I love to speed on European freeways. I love to speak with people in different languages. I love to rekindle friendships with precious folks that I've know for three decades and seen only once or twice in those three decades and yet find an incredible connection and sense of love still there. I love to eat the most fantastic food every night. I love to capture it all in photos (I took over 2,800 photos - it filled up my 6 gig card... had I had two I would have been able to take twice as many)... I marvel at architectural wonders - castles, villages, hill towns, cathedrals... and I love dangling my feet in the sea at sunset, sitting on a mountaintop alone, or wandering through a vineyard in early morning before sunrise.

And I love sharing all of this with my family, as we bond together!

And here I find myself working on Saturday not wanting to work - not wanting to be here...

The reality is - if I really lived a vacationer's life all the time - would I get tired of it? Would it become boring and mundane? Would I hate it? I guess the real day-to-day life and the anticipation of the next adventure or bonding experience, make those adventures worth it just because they're not the real day-to-day experiences. They make us anticipate...

But, wouldn't it be fun to try it?

Happy anticipation...

See ya...

2008-05-28T20:37:00.002-06:00

Guy codes...

2008-05-28T06:28:00.004-06:00

Do you ever use the words "I love you?" when you're talking with another guy...

I was listening to a national radio program on Friday where these guys were talking about the "guy code". They were making fun of one of the guys who had just said "I love you" to another guy - and said it on the air just like that. According to their dialog, there is an unwritten "guy code" where certain things just aren't done, such as:

1. Never say "I love you" to another guy, even if you do. Instead, say "Luv ya", or "Love ya, man". Saying "I love you" to another guy just confuses him and makes him feel uncomfortable, no matter how close a friend you are.

2. When you hug another guy, make it quick and jerky - don't linger.

3. If you do hug in a more connecting way with another guy, be sure to hit him in the shoulder or slap him around in some way where he knows that you're just friends and everything's cool.

4. When you go to a movie with a guy, don't sit in the "gay seat". The "gay seat" is that seat that you leave open between the two of you, so it's clear that you're still together sharing a movie, but not in "that" way.

Having lived my whole life as a gay in the "guy world" I am very much aware of these and other "unwritten codes". Having not lived at all in the "gay world" I wonder how many unwritten "gay codes" are out there that I just don't know about. My gaydar is severely out of tune and I just assume that no one I know is gay anyway so why even try to receive a signal.

The radio program dialog got me laughing how seriously these men were taking the "guy code" and how much you must be careful to not violate these rules of conduct. As I think about it, I violate them all the time... I don't worry about the "gay seat". I give affectionate hugs to almost everyone, and especially with my closer friends. And I never say "luv ya, man" because it sounds so goofy, though I've noticed among guys just how much that is said and it really is forbidden socially, culturally, in the buddy-to-buddy code to ever allow the phrase "I love you" to escape your lips... why is that?

I like saying "I love you".

In Italian, (besides being much more fluent in the language of physical touch and affection without such "guy code" limitations of expressing affection among friends), as with other romance languages, there are three basic ways of saying "love": 1) piacere 2)voler bene 3) amare. There are various ranges of intensity within each, but there are precise distinctions of meaning within each range of each word. You can really, really, really "piace" ice cream, but you never "amare" ice cream. You can totally "voler bene" a dear friend and mean a deep abiding love, without getting romantic. And then, you can "amare" your partner, your spouse, the Lord.

I wish there were more distinctions with the word "love" in the English language. I find myself, particularly with dear friends, such as Will, or say a fellow saint in a spiritual connection, or with blogging friends that have become more than friends, that I tend to say "I love you... I hope you understand what I mean". I feel compelled to clarify that feeling of affection and emotion with that added phrase. I guess it means the same as "luv ya, man" and then follow up with a slap on the back of the head.

But, as I listened to the radio guys chatting away, I thought of Tim. We don't use those extra words. We don't use the words "with a different spelling or a subsequent clarification, or a follow-up slap on the head. We just say to each other "I love you!"

I like that. Now that he's moved on to another "love", I am desperately seeking my next friend where I can say with no appendages - "I love you!" Where are you? I need to find you!

I wish we didn't have to have "guy codes" or "gay codes" (whatever they may be - can someone please give me some enlightenment so that I can be a better receiver of these hidden messages I'm obviously missing???). I wish we could just say...

I LOVE YOU!

Six weeks and counting...

2008-05-24T12:25:00.004-06:00

I've hit the 6-week mark of going cold turkey... nothing / niente / nada! Nothing inappropriate of any kind, not even close, not even looking at department store ads of guys in the Deseret News... If I can go six weeks then I can go six months, right?

And this is worth it to keep what's truly important together and in the forefront, no? My family is more important that anything else. I know that and I need to constantly remember that. I should feel strong and like the conqueror... I can leave these things behind. I can be better than this. If I've gone six weeks without it, I don't need this "distraction" in my life anymore, right?

So, how come I feel so weak?

Why do I feel like I'm fighting against the inevitable? Is the fight worth it? I feel I have the inner strength to resist and keep going. I keep looking at my son and I feel an obligation that is stronger than the temptation to keep going - to stay clean - even from slightly questionable material. Am I crazy to try?

How come I feel like I'm sticking my head in the sand?

Will it ever be the same?

2008-05-20T07:27:00.004-06:00

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have "lost" my boy-friends to that social ritual called matrimony. Both Will and Tim were married - No! Not, to each other... but to two amazingly beautiful, talented, and intelligent young women. It's been really hard to see them both grow up and become men as they move into their next phases of life. Hard, not in the sense that this step is a bad thing - only that it's inevitable that with the passing of saying "yes" in the right place at the right time with the right authority, they step away from what we have had together as friends. It's just natural that as they cling to their new eternal companions and help-meets, they become less connected with the rest of us.

Or so it seemed...

I know that I have allowed myself to become emotionally and physically attached to these two much more than conventional wisdom would grant me the courtesy of acknowledging, and it is I who now needs to learn to step aside and let them move on. But can I move on?

These two in their own time and place have meant so much to me and have given me the spiritual, emotional, and especially physical male-bonding closeness and love that I have always sought, craved and needed in my life to survive. I will always cherish these feelings and time together.

***

At the funeral last week, Will was on his honeymoon, but Tim had returned from his and was there for me. When I caught a glimpse of him, I was overcome with emotion and broke down sobbing. I was well in control for the most part, but just seeing him humbly standing in the chapel as we entered as a family threw me over the edge and I broke down. Fortunately for the occasion being one of emotion, most everyone, even my wife and family didn't know why I suddenly burst into tears as my eyes met his.

After the services, and fighting my way through the family and friends, I saw him leaving toward the church parking lot. I came from behind him and touched his back. He slowly turned and we fell into each other's arms and he held me so tightly, so completely. We were one. It didn't matter what family or friends saw of the two of us fully embraced together in that parking lot. I needed him to be there for me and he was there for me and at that moment, in that embrace as we kissed, I felt comfort... I felt peace... I felt love... and nothing else at all seemed to matter. I was whole again - complete in his embrace.

Though we didn't speak - other than mutually whispering "I love you" - nothing else needed to be said - I knew then, that he would always be there for me as I am for him despite the roads that life will now take to tug us apart - He was not afraid or ashamed to be my unique and special "friend". And even now that he is married, he was there, unchanged, unaltered - still the same Tim.

I am a romantic at heart. I often allow my emotions to get in the way of mature thinking. I am aware that with our age differences and different stages of life, and with our belief system entrenched, we will never really have anything more that what we have... but...

But, for now, for this time and place, I am grateful to have a true friend who wants the best for me, and who is not afraid to show it in an amazing way time and time again.

And, everyone needs to have at some point, that unabashed, unashamed, real embrace in the parking lot...

But now what?

Till we meet again...

2008-05-12T09:14:00.002-06:00

Funerals are unique events. At least in my experience, they are infrequent and have never hit so close to home as this last week. Emotions have been close to the surface and seeing special people in my life brings those emotions to overflowing. I've been trying to figure out why I've been so emotional. Sure, losing an immediate family member is reason enough, but I feel it has also been a combination of feeling regret and remorse for not having done more when I had the chance, as well as feeling an abundance of love and support.

I had a close friend state that he loved witnessing funerals and loved to see this expression of emotion. He gave me three key reasons why funerals are such wonderful events to cherish:

1. They celebrate the joy of life and a life well lived.

2. They bring families together in a bonding of love like no other event.

3. They allow us to feel the assurance of our hope in the Gospel and the verification of the Plan.

It's been a rough week. It's been tough. But, it's been a good week. I have experienced these three points in a very personal way. I know the strength that comes from such celebrations of life, from family expressing love, and from the assurance of the Gospel Plan.

Heroic efforts / Tough Decisions / Insignificant Worries...

2008-05-03T13:18:00.003-06:00

I've recently had to face the emotional ride one takes when facing a life-or-death situation. A close family member has placed me in that roller-coaster ride, full of decisions to be made that may affect whether a loved one lives or dies. At one point this week, we were facing the decision with medical professionals on what is meant by "heroic efforts" to keep a loved one alive. Does that mean that we do nothing to help avert any natural event that may lead to death? Or does that mean we do nothing "heroic" once the level of quality of life has diminished to the point of no return? And where is that point? It may seem very black-and-white, but in reality, as I've discovered this week, it's a continuum and there is a lot of gray, lending to lots of room for hope and miracles.

At one point, we were placed in that "consultation room" down the hall from the ICU where a discussion of "when to pull the plug" would be made. Decisions such as these do not come easily when the inevitable has not been reached yet. What a funny profession - this medical practice - where life and death decisions are made every day and seem to almost be taken as routine. For family who do not face this on the same frequency, the shock and stress levels go off the chart. A nurse actually told me that he loves to work in the Trauma Center because things are always happening and it keeps them busy and anxious to perform... and when it gets slow, he almost wishes for something to go wrong so they can kick in and do their job. I know he was just talking without thinking, but it didn't help when one realizes that when the trauma event comes, there is a real person there being placed in a very serious situation. I guess it also didn't help when my sister spoke with the cardiologist and asked how things were going, and he said: "Well, we're not ready to pull the plug just yet".

These doctors know much about the body, but they even admit that they are "practicing" and really don't know the potential of hope, and prayers, and miracles, and positive thinking, have on a patient and family members and loved ones. And where do priesthood blessings enter the picture? Are they just hopeful thinking?

It was refreshing to see the head medical doctor recognize the power of positive thinking, hope, faith, or whatever you may call it, and express it to the family when making such choices of such a serious nature.

And as I reflect on how we aren't "out of the woods" yet, I certainly can see first hand the power of such thinking. I've seen a miracle. A lot still has to happen. But a lot has happened.

It sounds trite to say that when faced with these decisions, all other problems and concerns seem to not matter quite so much, and fade into the background. They are still there, but it's amazing to realize how instantaneously one's priorities, concerns, angsts, worries, struggles (oh, yeah - am I still struggling with my attractions or was that just a little issue in the back of my mind and I can't really think about it right now???) and problems become less significant when compared to the bigger picture.

I am grateful to live in a day and country where medical miracles are still possible and the best can be found at our disposal. To see how many I.V. bags, tubes, gadgets, monitors,pumps and devices can be placed on one human body is mind-boggling!

I am also grateful to live in a day where priesthood power brings real comfort and sustaining reassurance from a Father who loves us and is mindful of us in little ways and places people in our lives at the time we need that sustaining reassurance.

Walking on eggshells...

2008-04-26T14:30:00.003-06:00

It's been two weeks! My how time flies when you're having fun walking on eggshells...

And I've been good - cold turkey - for two weeks now. No indiscretions (how innocent they may be to some). None! Ever since cleaning the slate, and emptying the archives, the temptations have diminished, and the angst has decreased - at least for now. I don't know whether this will be something that I can keep up, but one day, and one week at a time, and hopefully soon - one month at at time.

My son has not confronted me. He seems pretty normal and has not pulled back from me either as I try to assess his reactions and interactions to me to notice any different behavior. As far as I can tell, he hasn't discussed the "indiscretion" further with my wife or with his siblings. I fear, however, that someday, somewhere, sometime, the confrontation will occur and I'll have to deal with it. But for now, it seems to have passed and if I've benefited by being awakened to this new reality, and to a new commitment, then so be it.

My wife has been extremely kind, more loving, and more willing to forgive. It's really freaking me out! I didn't expect such a reaction. I know I'm being watched. I realize the choice is mine. I feel like I have two strikes now and I'm still at the plate ready to either hit a home run or strike out all together. I recognize that I must restore trust and show commitment to her and to them, and earn their love and commitment. It just seems to be happening too willingly on her part. Why is that?

I think she still takes upon herself some of the "blame" for my being the way I am - thinking "If only I were kinder and more loving... if only I could get him to love me more... if only I could make myself more attractive to him - then all of this will go away." After 3 years, she still thinks this way. I don't know how to tell her that it isn't anything that she has or hasn't done to "cause" this and that loving me more, or becoming more attractive isn't going to change things. But, how do I get her to realize this isn't anything she's done or can do? I even spoke to her, earnestly offering to seek out marriage counseling to help her to understand me better and to help me understand her better - but not trying to change each other. She thought it wouldn't do any good.

I just want her to love me for who I am and to accept that I am the same loving and devoted person she fell in love with two-and-a-half decades ago. I just want to be me, to manage my attractions in a way that does not hurt anyone, particularly my family, and helps me to keep in tune with the Spirit. Is that asking for too much?

I mean, I don't want to spend my entire eternity glancing over my shoulder, wondering what they are thinking, wondering if they are just waiting for me to screw up and fall big time, wondering what they are wondering every time I'm alone with another guy, or on the computer in the basement, etc. I don't want to have to live like this!

So there you have it. My son has been scarred for life and isn't telling me about it - and my wife is trying to love me into becoming more attracted to her.

What a mess I've made of everything! It's not easy walking on eggshells...

A slap in the face...

2008-04-16T17:44:00.007-06:00

This post is for me... If you benefit from my stupidity and find any sense of inspiration in the wreckage that may become my life, I am glad... but I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing this for me... and I don't know how much I'll really share of what has been going on.

I crashed in confusion and despair last week for many reasons. I slipped up in so many ways, and came near to losing all that I hold precious and dear.

I mentioned that I was alone last week and weekend. When my son came home, I was engaged in a venture into the world of YouTube and PG-rated gay flicks / gay kissing / gay scenes from movies and tv. It is something I have done sparingly, and I am admitting now to myself that I do it for curiosity sake yes, but also for titillation (did I mention it was the PG-non-age-restriction version). Needless to say, I've found myself justifying such behavior because of:

1. my lot in life as a closeted gay.
2. my inexperience and fascination with "the other side".
3. my level of stress due to travel and business and busy-ness.
4. straight out temptation and caving to it.

I didn't think my son was home and when he came in, I had it up on the screen (again it was not pornographic (here the justification in my voice), but was just two guys fully clothed sharing a romantic kiss - and because they were fully clothed and it was just a romantic kiss between two guys where's the harm -I mean what if it were a romantic kiss between a man and a woman - how many movies reflect that romance - is there anything wrong with this??? Seriously, I don't think so and yet, in this case, I was terribly ashamed and felt guilty like I had done a tremendously hideous thing). He was shocked! (he knows nothing of my predisposition to same-gender attraction). He called my wife, who was out of town, and asked what was going on and that he was confused and didn't know what to do... And she called me (without him knowing) and confronted me (as she had the right to do). It was one thing when this issue was between us; quite the other when it now involves the kids. We had mutually decided not to bring them into this world of mine until at some point that we thought they would be ready to handle it - meaning, at such time that I would be in a position to handle them handling it. Now, there was a window of curiosity and doubt springing up about "what is Dad doing looking at two guys romantically kissing?"

I felt devastated. I felt like such a loser. I felt destroyed inside. This stupidity on my part (excuses aside), has led to more family stress and confusion in my marriage. My wife wanted to drop everything and race home to give our son support. She told me not to confront him as he had shared his confusion in confidentiality, but that if he did confront me, I would have to be honest with him. Certainly, the emotions and butterflies, the uneasiness and turmoil churned away within me.

I was tortured, not because of what I was doing per se, but that it was now affecting my child. How was I to deal with that? And what would it mean to my marriage.

He assured his mother that he was okay and I assured her not to rush home but that I would deal with it. She was more patient than I thought she would be, but said "You need to finally decide what you're going to do with yourself. Are you going to be part of this family or not? It's your choice!"

Yes, though this predisposition is not a choice, what I do with it and how it affects those around me IS my choice!

I then slipped into my self-destruction mode and started beating up on myself... stupid, stupid stupid!

I didn't feel like going to church on Sunday, but I fought back those feelings and went (I needed to be the righteous example to my son - and yet why did I feel like such a hypocrite??). There was a priesthood leadership training meeting and the Stake President spoke about revelation and the need to have NOISE and BUSYNESS removed from our lives so that we can be inspired and hear the still small voice whisper to us. Boy, did I feel like he was speaking directly to me. Here I was devastated at how stupid I am, and how I can't let some things go, and how I allow temptation to get the better part of me, and so I swamp myself with work and with projects and travel and assignments and noise and business and busyness and think that all my problems will go away if I just don't think about them and then I find myself "alone" and "weak" and not listening very well and I mess up the family foundation. What a moron!

I then mope through the rest of the meetings, even though they were awesome on repentance and choices... and I feel remorse and regret, and I know I need to be more repentant as I don't partake of the sacrament, and I feel a prompting to turn in my temple recommend and resign from my callings...

And I then begin to live in fear. What is he going to ask me? How do I answer? What is my wife going to do when I get home? How am I to assure her that I still love her? Do I need to talk to the Bishop? Do we seek family counseling? Am I best to just leave the home now? Do I go find an apartment? What about finding a gun? Wouldn't it be better if I weren't around? Why don't I just go find a nice cliff up the canyon?

I drove up into the mountains and parked my car that afternoon. I cried and cried. This is so stupid. I was remorseful, not because of who I am, but because of the fear of hurting those I love. Why can't I just leave this alone? Why can't I just bury it once and for all...

I went home and tore into my computer and deleted my "stash" of goodies - and purged them all. It was a passionate symbolism of my commitment to reform and move on and leave them behind. I felt the need to purge them from my life and to be free of them, of the deceit, of the hiding, of the lurking. I purged them all... and it felt good... If I don't have a "collection" then I don't need to add to it, right? And if I don't have to add to it, then I don't need to look again, even if what I'm looking at, for the most part, is quite innocent and benign.

And so I prayed. I asked forgiveness. I asked the Lord for comfort and wisdom in how to answer any doubts or confusions that my son now may have about me. Was he now wondering about my relationships with Will and Tim? He's seen me openly affectionate with them - is he now questioning everything he knows about me and what I may be doing every time I hug these boy-friends of mine? Or what about what he's thinking every time he sees me on the computer? What about then?

I began to drive myself crazy with such questions. What had I done to him? Did I shake his testimony? Did I shake his foundation? What had I done to destroy his self-worth and value?

He has not said anything to me, and since he doesn't know that I know, I haven't said anything to him. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. My wife has been super kind and loving and supportive since coming back. I've tried to show more affection and love to her and have thanked her for her kindness. I have also committed that I'm not going back there... and I haven't... and that though I haven't chosen this orientation, I can choose how I manage it and who I want to be around - and I must choose my family first.

I fear that someday, this will come back to bite me. And rightfully it should. The last thing I want to do is destroy the faith and love of my children for me. I want them to be strong and happy and well-adjusted in their identities, and I need to keep trying to do so for myself so that I can be a source of strength, not weakness, for them.

This has been so innocent, and yet such a wake up call... I feel horrible and yet so grateful at the same time.

I know I don't need the fear, the angst, the self-hatred...

But, I do need a good slap-in-the-face... and maybe this has given me a chance to start seeking the spirit again through all the noise, confusion, stress and pain.

I wanted something passionate to write about again in my blog... well, I'm sure there's plenty more to come.

Two years and counting...

2008-04-16T17:44:00.004-06:00

It's now been two years since my first post. It feels like I've been blogging for much longer - not in a bad sense - but it just feels like it's become more a part of my life than other things that are of a similar duration...

and yes, I am still here.

At times lately, I've been too consumed in other things to really put my heart into my blog. I miss that. I know when I have used my blog for the purpose of writing and sharing personal and heart-pounding feelings, I find my view on life becoming clearer. When I don't, I fall into traps of the past.

I need to find the passion again...

It's not good to be alone...

2008-04-12T13:59:00.005-06:00

As posted previously, I've been really, really busy. I've been traveling every week, sometimes twice a week out of state to project all over the country. And, though I was speaking a bit tongue-firmly-in-cheek, there is something to the fact that being busy and occupied and scheduled, keeps me from stewing and angsting and dwelling on this one aspect of my life - being a man hopelessly attracted to men.

When I travel, I am in meetings and at projects from sunrise to sunset and I'm chasing planes and renting cars and checking into hotels very late at night, most often after midnight. Which leaves me with little time to "get into trouble".

Another observation this week... I've been gone most of the week and this time when I came home, my wife and kids had left on a scheduled trip. And so, I've been alone this weekend. I thought it would be good to be alone at home, but I'm feeling very disheveled. It's given me time to think and to contemplate about things - and to dwell more on "this one aspect of my life". And, without the safety net of family, of wife, of kids being around, and with time to be alone, I've slipped back into an angsty mode and a mode of unsafe behavior. I've been thinking of thoughts and dreams and fantasies that I really shouldn't be thinking about. I don't know that it's that profound, but having my wife and kids around me sincerely helps me to keep keepin' on in a more steadfast manner. Fortunately, they'll be back tomorrow. I miss them. I miss having my wife just being here with me when I'm home. That's a good sign, right? Thank God for family and for repentance.

But it makes me wonder... as I've allowed myself to admit (finally) that I am inexplicably attracted to men, and when I don't have safety nets of family and work and church around me, have I also allowed my personal boundaries to slip a bit, particularly when I'm alone? And then I excuse such behavior as being par-for-the-course of being "gay"?

And how valid is repentance when I don't feel the "guilt" of the past? Am I slipping into the zone of being "past feeling"?

***

On another note, I've been contemplating ending this blog. I'm coming up quickly on two years now. It's been a good run, and I've learned a lot about myself and about the situation I find myself in as a MOM striving to keep my marriage going, with a testimony to boot, as I gain insights and new perspectives from others in this community. But sometimes I wonder: "What's the point?"

I mean, I never set out on this cybersphere to be any kind of example or source of inspiration - and I find it clearly more inspiring reading the words and observing the examples of others - and at times it's felt pretty scary and lonely for one so uncertain of the next step or misstep that I might take on this solitary journey.

And then I read this comment a few days ago:

I have been a lurker for some time and have read your blog for the past couple of years. I've been out to my wife for about 2.5 years. Your thoughts and insights and experiences have been healing for me. You are certainly not alone as a married with children, gay man. There are many of us who struggle on a daily basis with very similar issues and yearnings, myself included. I would dearly miss you and Mormon Enigma if the two of you quit posting.

I respect you for your humble and candid expressions in this blog and hope to someday have the privilege of meeting you.

Wow! How many lurkers are out there? How many anonymous readers do follow this blog (among others)? Is there value to staying around and contributing, even though I still have no idea what I'm doing here or what more I can say? (I mean, really, aren't you sick of my "romancing the boy-toy" saga and never growing into a real relationship - be it with my wife or with a guy?) Am I staying for gratification of others? Do I need ego-boosting for an esteem that has basically been shot by facing these realities within myself?

Mind you, I'm not going anywhere... I would miss the associations and inspiration from others too much to disappear. But, I feel I'm stagnating, and I need a boost... This little comment has encouraged me, at a time when I'm alone and not feeling so great about myself again.

It's not good to be alone...

A Kinder, Gentler Church...

2008-04-07T14:38:00.005-06:00

I really enjoyed conference this past weekend. I was interested, as most all listeners were, in observing the tone and nuances of a mantle of a prophet changing to a new leader.

I have always felt a closeness to President Monson, but I felt it more in this past conference. He seemed more open, more friendly, more personable than usual - and this is saying a lot for a general authority who has always been open, friendly and personable. I felt a tenderness, and kindness. He was not only prophetic, but also very human (when he wiggled his ears in the Priesthood Session, I rolled in laughter and felt such an affinity for him - that was just priceless!). I liked that. I liked that he was reachable, approachable, and I felt his kindness and love for me individually.

When I woke up this morning and heard on the radio that plans were being made for President Monson to personally meet with representatives of Affirmation. As Utah Cog says, its "another step", but it is a step, and a good step at that, and I can't help but feel that goodness, and sweetness, kindness and understanding will come from this gathering and will become the "legacy" of our new Prophet.

Happy Monday and hopefully a happier, kinder and gentler Church to come...

Wow, I got tagged!

2008-04-07T14:38:00.002-06:00

In response to the recent tag-game of a random book nearby, 5th sentence on page 123, I offer the following:

"Most visitors, however, will concern themselves with the upper town, a captivating gem of a place, built high on a rocky ridge, still retaining its original medieval street plan and a number of fine palazzi."

-- The Most Beautiful Country Towns of Tuscany, James Bentley.

(A description of Colle di Val d'Elsa, a small hill town near Siena in Tuscany - and yes, the book is nearby as I research for an upcoming trip to rural forgotten villages of Italy).

Anyone reading this can offer their input on my search for the most beautiful and most forgotten hideaway gems in Italy. I'd love to hear from you.

And if you're reading this, you are tagged.

And thank you, Abe, for tagging me! :(

Non c'e' ne tempo...

2008-03-29T11:34:00.003-06:00

You know, it's funny, but I really don't have time to be gay anymore...

Maybe, when I get a chance to slow down a bit...

This gay gig is a choice, right?

I mean, if I hide myself in enough work, it just all goes away...

The power of touch...

2008-03-10T05:39:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, in church, we were discussing the "power of touch", and how the Savior used it in a very personal, individual, and one-on-one way with the Nephites, both as a touchee (3Ne 11:15) and as a toucher (3Ne 17:9, 10, 21).

Often, we are touchers as well as touchees. It takes both...

EXAMPLE 1: "Tim" (my not-so-imaginary-boy-friend) showed up at church - this time with his fiancee. Yes, he's officially engaged to the most amazing, beautiful young woman! (I know my dedicated readers - the two of you - realize my feelings for Tim, and his feelings for me that you are convinced he must be gay, but again I contend that he is not - he's just openly affectionate and passionate about the uniqueness of our relationship as I am - in a very non-sexual physical way). In many ways, I find myself very jealous and envious of her. She gets to have MY Tim for herself. In other ways, I'm so happy for her as he will be such a blessing to her and they seem so happy together.

I wondered how he would react to me with her now officially linked to him - would this change our relationship? Would he be less affectionate in front of her? She knows of our unique relationship and bond. Would he be self-conscious about showing her our uniqueness in being less physical? I waited and wondered and watched. After the lesson, he came to me and hugged ME. It was a bit tentative as she stood there. He then reached his large hand behind my neck, and I did the same, and we held our heads together - forehead to forehead, nose to nose, for some time and whispered our love to each other - again with her standing there. There was no deception, no dishonesty, just innocent and pure touch - on his part. On my part, I was analyzing everything too much and nervous of what she would be thinking. Maybe I'm trained and programmed to be on guard too much (is my wife watching?), but I was pleased to see that even with this new development in his life, Tim still hasn't changed in his affection for me.

I am truly happy for him. This is a wonderful thing. Somehow, though, I know that it will never be the same between us... and that is the way it should be. Right?

EXAMPLE 2: There is a high priest in our ward that has lately made it a habit of finding me and giving me an affectionate hug, and telling me how "close" he feels to me and how much he "loves" me and is "connected" to me. He is in his mid 60s, has a mean comb-over, and recently developed a little grey soul-patch. I have nothing to do with him, am not associated with him (other than attending the same priesthood meeting) and feel no extraordinary connection. He tends to interrupt my conversations with others to make a point of showing his affection for me. I oblige as the touchee, but it's beginning to creep me out! What's going on here?

EXAMPLE 3: My wife needs my constant touch - a reassurance that I'm there for her and that I'm not going anywhere (there is still a fear of my leaving her for another man). Since I'm not so keenly aware of this need of hers (except when I'm in the arms of Tim - and - you'd think I'd learn, but my wiring is often disconnected or out-of-service) until she bursts into tears just looking at me (especially when I've allowed the pressures of my work to take precedence over our relationship needs), I often am reminded that affection and touch signal and satisfy needs she may have from me that I may not always need from her. That may sound cruel - I don't mean it to be. I need to be not only the touchee, but the toucher as well, instigating and initiating heart-felt affection.

Ah... the power of touch.

Payday...

2008-03-03T05:41:00.002-07:00

Warning to readers: This post is not full of the normal angst, and may be considered by some as gaggy... so read at your own risk:

Sometimes the "validation" we all seek comes from a payday of sorts. We receive a reward or a bonus check, or a new job or project. Sometimes we are part of a winning team. Sometimes we get accolades from our friends and associates.

And sometimes we receive the best validation or accolades of all - those that come from the spirit testifying one-on-one to our souls that we are loved and understood and known intimately by our Heavenly Father.

This past weekend was one of those "sometimes" for me. Without going into too much detail (as I don't feel it appropriate) let me just say that it involved spiritual connections with my wife and kids, it reaffirmed love from extended family, and it brought closeness to our lives together that I haven't felt in some time! The tenderness of the occasion, the confirmation of testimonies, the reassurance of the Comforter, witnessed for me the joy that comes from a source greater than ourselves.

It was an experience where a father steps back and looks at his kids and catches a glimpse, for just a moment, of what the Father sees in all of us.

I reflect on this experience and confirm that God is real, God is love. God loves me. And if I am loved, and "valid" with all my shortcomings, then certainly you are loved as well...

It's the ultimate payday...

Validation...

2008-02-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

Whether I want to admit it or not, I need to feel of value, I need to feel needed and wanted and important and relevant. I need to be valid or validated. Is this an ego fetish of mine? Or am I that insecure?

Recently, I spent a lot of time and energy going after two different projects. Each was with a client that had known and worked with me before. Each was doing a project that I am completely qualified, even over-qualified to do and I felt very comfortable measuring up to the task of the presentation, the interview, the jury selection and the award of the projects. The problem was, they were in two different states and would require substantial travel and time commitment away from home, and would drive me crazy in trying to figure out how to do both of them at the same time - basically they had the same magnitude of scope and schedule.

My wife told me I was crazy to go after both projects. I really don't need the work, but I felt this overwhelming need to prove to myself that I was worthy of and valid as a professional by being accepted by these respective clients. Why is that? Why was it so important to prove to myself that I'm needed, and wanted, and valid? Why do I need constant validation to assure my personal worth?

As it turns out, I was awarded one of the two projects. Actually, I should be happy that I didn't get both, (and as it turns out, my wife's prayers were answered in my not getting both), but I immediately went into a withdrawal and emotional let-down over the project that didn't select me. Why wasn't I selected? What did I do wrong? Why was I not viewed as being "of value" or of "worth" to them? It was a real ego blow! I felt unwanted and unworthy.

Why is it so important to be "accepted"? Why does it hurt so much when I'm not? Why do I need such self-checks to "know" that I'm all right, instead of inherently just knowing that I'm okay with myself without external rewards or awards or recognitions?

We all need to feel needed and wanted and "of value" to others. We seek for grades and recognitions at school. We are trained from an early age to accept and desire praise and to be worthy of the love and admiration of others, of our parents and family, of our friends. We seek confirmation of the spirit to feel the Lord's love and praise and support in our lives. One of the YW values is "individual worth".

A couple of scriptures come to mind regarding "sparrows falling", or "hairs of our head being numbered" (Matthew 10:29-31) as well as "the worth of souls being great" (D&C 18:10). The Lord is constantly reminding us of our validity, of our godliness, of our potential, of our capacity to be like Him. And yet, I constantly feel like I don't measure up. Oft times, I fall short of the mark. Sometimes, I just don't get the job.

Again, I didn't need the job. Getting the job would have been the worst thing for me. I have no man-power to perform and receiving the job and then not being able to perform would be even worse. It would be detrimental on my health, on my family-life, on my spirituality. I know this - and yet, I wanted it - just to know that I was "loved" and "wanted" and "praiseworthy" of another client.

Now how sick is that?

I've always tried to "measure up". I've maintained the list, and checked the boxes...

- I'm an eagle scout, not because I loved scouting (I hated it!!!), but because it was expected of me to earn the award.

- I'm was a straight-A student for the most part, not because I was smart, but because my parents expected nothing but the best from me and I felt a drive to prove that I was worthy of their respect and praise and did everything I could to "get that 'A'" not because I wanted to learn or loved learning, but because I wanted to please them.

- I went on a mission because I had a testimony, yes, but I also went because it was expected of me, and I didn't want to disappoint anyone, and I wanted to feel of value for doing what I should be doing. (Actually, the one time I really felt human and full of the spirit, and connecting to people was toward the end of my mission when I really didn't care what the mission president thought of me, or what leadership position I held, or how many baptisms I had, or how many discussions I taught, etc... it was when I just felt the spirit and did what my heart told me to do!)

- I married my one and only sweetheart because I miraculously fell in love despite my attractions for men (that were mostly hidden and non-cognitive), but I also married her because I was "supposed" to do this, and it would lead to other blessings and "acceptance in the kingdom", thus leading to validity as a man, as a priesthood holder. I wanted to be included, to be part of the team, a participant in the plan, taking the steps that lead to more validation... of family, of friends, of God...

- I was always an outsider, the different one. I wasn't the most handsome. I was the nerd. I was uncoordinated and always the last to be picked on the ball-team. I'm a home-body. I'm a loner. I'm an overachiever. I'm envious. I don't like myself. (I know, I know... time for a "poor Beck" shout-out!)

- Rarely have I been accepted by men. I have felt different and isolated from them, envious of all that they are and all that I am not. My eagerness to stay on the "straight and narrow" because I should be doing so as it was and is expected of me, may have suppressed my attractions at times, and allowed me to stay in the closet for so long, and allowed me to live a "straight life" as a married family man for as long as I have - all, for the most part of seeking acceptance, normalcy, honor, sustaining from the Church, from my family, from God.

- I am not accepted as a gay man in my daily existence. I hide it. I hide myself. I'm not included. I'm apart. I desire intimacy that I can't have. I seek for touch that is forbidden. I can't cross over because I'm "good" and it "wouldn't be praiseworthy".

- It continues even here. I blog, at times, for acceptance and validity and personal-worth from this blogging community. I seek inclusion. I desire comments and search for connections and self-validity as others value my experience.

It's all sick!!! This whole existence of mine, including this blog, my career, my family life - it's all for "getting the grade" or "checking the box", or "being obedient for the reward" or "receiving the project"! It's for others, for wrong reasons, for impure motives... all in the name of "validation"...

I should have gotten that job... then I wouldn't have worried so much about being so invalid...

When will I ever be happy with JUST BEING ME!

Be careful what you wish for...

2008-02-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

Be careful what you wish for...

Sometimes, I feel like I've spent my entire life "wishing" for something that I can't have, shouldn't have, or once I do have, wish then that I didn't have... In living a life like this, it is always based on longings and cravings, on regrets and guilt, and not on what is right before my eyes - the life that I am living but don't want to live...

I've longed for the "gay life", the romantic attachments of man-to-man relationships. I've regretted that late in life my choices and my personal enlightenment of my gaydom have robbed me of ever having those attachments now (as I'm too ancient in gay years). I've felt guilty for having such longings and as such spent too much of life beating up myself. And as such, I've missed some of the real joys that are right in front of me, and been foolish enough to not see what I do have.