Spork

The Prophet Has Left the Building

2006-10-28T02:35:00.000+05:30

Greetings, Sporklings.

I apologise for the lack of posts during the past month. I have been undergoing heavy meditation alongside freshly baked beefpies in order to make more connections with His Tastiness, and it has been resolved that I am to leave this realm in order to converse and be with the Beefpie God.

I do not know how long I shall be gone for, but I will return some day in order to push us further into evolution and salvation.

Keep Sporking. You've done a wonderful job so far. I will be watching all of you.

Goodbye, for now.

On a Weird kind of Church, Weirder than usual

2006-09-04T14:33:00.000+05:30

The Westboro Baptist Church is a very interesting kind of Church. While we have the hypocritical Catholic Church, to whom we dedicated a few posts on, the Westboro Baptist Church deserves special mention. Just thank the Beefpie there are very few members of this organisation.

It can be best described, other than a Pit of Hate, as a far right-wing (and I do mean far) organisation whose members identify themselves as Baptists, and whose philosophy runs around the idea that "God hates fags", and that every tragedy in the world is linked to homosexuality. The believe that homosexuality should be made illegal, even punishable by death. They recently appeared in the news after protesting outside the funeral of a gay soldier who was killed in Iraq.

"Our goal is to preach the Word of God to this crooked and perverse generation. By our words, some will repent. By our words, some will be condemned. Whether they hear, or whether they forbear, they will know a prophet has been among them... our goal is to glorify God by declaring His whole counsel to everyone... we hope that by our preaching some will be saved." - Fred Phelps Sr., Head of Westboro Baptist Church

Fair enough, by any fundamentalist church's quirky standards, anyway. But behold:

"We use the word 'fag' as a contraction of the word 'faggot.' A 'fag' is a firebrand. A 'fag' is used for kindling -- it fuels fire. 'Fag' is a metaphor used in the Bible, for example, in Amos 4:11 (where it is translated 'firebrand' in the King James Bible). Just as a 'fag' fuels the fires of nature, so does a sodomite fuel the fires of God's wrath. We do not use the word 'fag' in order to engage in childish name-calling. Rather, we use it because it is a metaphor chosen by the Holy Ghost to describe a group of people who BURN in their lust one toward another, and who FUEL God's wrath."

Yeah, these guys are serious. Their theology is quite amusing, nevertheless alarming at the same time. There are quite a few points, so I've picked out the cream of the crop for you:

Homosexuality is the worst of all sins and indicative of the final reprobation of an individual, and its acceptance by society prompts divine judgement. The homosexual is a reprobate given up by God and hence cannot be a member of God's elect, and cannot repent or be saved.
God has absolute omnipotence to cause or prevent tragedy. As such, when disasters occur, such as the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster or the September 11, 2001 attacks, it is God's intentional punishment of the wicked.
The elect [members, I presume], being the chosen agents of God, answer only to God and are above the laws of man which do not have basis in God's law.
It is a sin not to rejoice when other people are victims of tragedy, violence or suffering.
Westboro's congregants will testify against the sins of others and thereby be instrumental in having them cast into Hell.

More impressive is their list of groups they have sworn to hate:

Canada - because of Canada's passage of the controversial Bill C-250, which adds penalties to the Criminal Code of Canada for inciting the hatred of or encouraging the killing of people on the basis of sexual orientation.
America - that the United States is a decadent and morally bankrupt nation, and as such, is hated by God. (After Hurrican Katrina, an introductory page was set up on their website, asking all to "Pray for more dead bodies floating on the fag-semen-rancid waters of New Orleans.")
N Sync member Lance Bass - For coming out of the closet.
Soldiers in Iraq - "Praise the Lord for 2,010 Dead Soldiers in Iraq" and "We humbly pray to God to please kill many more". They were in fact supportive of Saddam's regime, as they thought it was the only Muslim country where Christianity could be openly practised in the streets.
Islam - After the allegations of soldiers flushing Korans down the toilets at detention centres in Iraq, Fred Phelps said: "So what if our guys flushed copies of the Koran down the toilet? We hope they did. They probably did; We hope they flush more. Mohammed was a demon-possessed whoremonger and pedophile who contrived a 300-page work of Satanic fiction: The Koran! Like America's own whoremonger and pedophile wangled his own hokey Book of Mormon!"
Jews (Surprise, surprise): Fred Phelps again infamously proclaimed - "Whatever righteous cause the Jewish victims of the 1930s-40s Nazi Holocaust had... has been drowned in sodomite semen. American taxpayers are financing this unholy monument to Jewish mendacity and greed and to filthy fag lust. Homosexuals and Jews dominated Nazi Germany...The Jews now wander the earth despised, smitten with moral and spiritual blindness by a divine judicial stroke...And god has smitten Jews with a certain unique madness...Jews, thus perverted, out of all proportion to their numbers energize the militant sodomite agenda...Jews are the real Nazis."
Catholics - Yeah, they even hate Catholics. They refer to the Roman Catholic Church as a "fag" church, believing that a third of Catholic priests are active homosexuals, seducing helpless children and women; Westboro refers to priests as "vampires" and "Draculas," and talks of Catholic priests sucking semen out of children's genitals like vampires suck blood from their victims.
Mormons - Nothing interesting about the Mormons. Maybe that's to come.

I can sincerely tell you all that I have never seen a hate group such as this. These fellows could make a hardcore KKK member blush. I think the Westboro Baptist Church is a sign of how truly degraded the human race has allowed itself to become; their prejudice is something perhaps Hitler would have attempted to achieve in his 1,000-year Reich. These 'people' carry out the Nazi ideology for our times.

What do you think?

On God and Government, again

2006-08-28T12:09:00.000+05:30

You'd have thought that after Dubbya's flirtation with God and government, and its disastrous consequences, that he would have toned it down, at least slightly; which he did, with the slogans, anyway. Still, that doesn't mean that others have to.

A great source of amusement for the Sporkist can be found in this woman's philosophy. US Rep. candidate for Senate (Florida) Katherine Harris sincerely believes that if Christians are not elected to office, politicians shall legislate 'sin'. Wow. Staggering stuff, really. Have a munch at some of her more priceless gems:

"If we are the ones not actively involved in electing those godly men and women and if people aren’t involved in helping godly men in getting elected than we’re going to have a nation of secular laws. That’s not what our founding fathers intended and that’s certainly isn’t what God intended."
"Civil rights have to do with individual rights and I don’t think they apply to the gay issues."
"[W]henever we legislate sin and say abortion is permissible and we say gay unions are permissible, then average citizens who are not Christians, because they don’t know better, we are leading them astray and it’s wrong…"
"You know we’re covered with, our sins are covered with His blood and so we are blameless before Him. We are as white as snow." [In response to allegations of cheating in previous elections.]

I can't even gather up the strength to comment on this horrible mess of a human being. But, perhaps you can.

Thoughts?

On Irony

2006-08-19T19:40:00.000+05:30

Sri Lanka has been popping up in the news recently, as fighting between the terrorist group (the LTTE) and the military. A peace rally was held in the capital of the country, with various religious and political groups represented. They marched around in the city, and then met in a city park, to have further speeches.

We see irony, to our great amusement and frustration, almost daily in the political/religious scene. But what ensued here needs special attention, in order to help you sleep better at night. Or not.

A few 'radical' Buddhist priests marched onstage, with pro-war banners, calling the rally a farce, demanding the annhiliation of the terrorists. This is ironic, not just because they are Buddhist priests, but because they call themselves 'hardliners' and 'radicals'. If you were a radical Buddhist, you really wouldn't be doing much interaction with the political sphere of the world. Wouldn't you instead be zoning out on peace in the realm of spiritual dimensions? I don't know.

The irony skyrocketed when the peace rally-goers responded by beating the priests off the stage, punching and kicking, even pulling their robes off. There was one scene on television where one of them kept swinging an umbrella down on some guy, not a priest. Philosophically speaking, it was carnage. All the footage lasted ten minutes long.

Juicy, juicy, juicy.

Hiatus

2006-08-04T13:07:00.000+05:30

The prophet is currently on hiatus, as he has left his country of residence for a short period of time. He wishes all Sporkists, however, to continue spreading the word in his absence.

Israel Conflict

2006-07-19T09:25:00.000+05:30

I suppose all of you have been hearing about the severe bombings with Israel and Lebanon. It's hard to keep a Sporkist objective perspective on it - naturally your country should retaliate once it is attacked. Yet who really struck first? Why? These things tend to be overlooked during all the excitement.

However, I did more or less a very objective way of looking at it, from Noam Chomsky. The old philosopher expounded his viewpoint in an interview at this site. Hope you all read it, and please leave your comments on what you think about this conflict.

On Village Communes

2006-07-13T09:45:00.000+05:30

Let's skip ahead to the future a little bit - after the Sporkist Revolution takes place and mankind is liberated from itself, how do we establish order?

Total anarchy and chaos may be desirable and romantic in the tiniest sense, yet that's no way for the human race to go out elegantly. Given that we end mankind's role as the ultimate virus, 'pulling out the plug' as so to speak, where do we go from there? How do we exit gracefully, in an orderly and peaceful manner?

In the 1969 film Easy Rider, the heroes of the movie come across a Hippie village commune, where most of the people have divorced themselves from the city life and have started over, growing their own food, starting families and so on, entirely self-sufficient. Is such a method sustainable? After the Spork Revolution comes, is that the system we are looking at?

Or are there alternatives?

Thoughts?

Music?

2006-07-01T11:46:00.000+05:30

Music has a lot to do in terms of human expression. Ever since the secularisation of music, it has evolved into a giant industry which nearly every single person in the world can relate to. Of course, since money has become very important in this decadent society that Spork strives to save, the role of popular music has become increasingly different, morphing quite out of recognition.

While there are musicians who play in order to exand their possibilites of sound, we also have a lot of corporate, commercial music bent on making money, while at the same time setting the trends of the youth. On the other hand, we have artists who make music to achieve the communication of a message, such as Bob Dylan, Rage Against the Machine, etc.

Religion has, of course, made an entry into modern commercial music, with Satanic and/or Christian Rock Bands and the like.

So what's Spork's official music? Which band spreads our word of sensibility and reform?

In terms of raising awareness in politics among the youth, I suppose we'd like the now defunct Rage Against the Machine. There are undoubtedly hundreds of other protest artists, however... Bob Dylan, The Sex Pistols... The list is nearly endless.

What about the other aspects of Spork, in terms of the desire for peace and beauty? Radiohead? Or the curious, strange way the Prophets are guided by a cosmic Beefpie Voice? Primus?

What do you think?

Terrorism

2006-06-24T08:48:00.000+05:30

I think we all agree that terrorism (the systematic use of violence as a means to intimidate or coerce societies or governments, in order to establish a political thought) is wrong. After the 2001 attacks in America, terrorism was given an ubiquitous exposure, as it was the most shocking attack on a more economically developed country at the time, which was supposed to be one of the world's political heavyweights.

I don't want to go into a detailed history of terrorism and how wrong it is, since it's blatantly obvious - but what I want to look at is the concept of 'two-way terrorism'. It's become glaringly obvious that the USA has taken great liberties in 'curing' the world of terrorism in the interests of 'freedom' and 'democracy'. They instill 'freedom' by stomping over a third-world country, rooting out the bad guy, and at the point where they should stop, they just keep on going, trampling civilians in the way. You would have thought they would have learned their lessons from Vietnam, but, unfortunately, they haven't.

Is this 'two-way terrorism'? Can we call the Bush administration a bunch of terrorists? They are forcefully imposing their view on others, using destruction and violence - and that's terrorism. When you hear people saying that the US created Al-Qaeda, they're not joking, it was the US who supplied them weapons to drive the Soviets out during the Cold War. In Vietnam, the French and the US more or less created the VietCong, provoking a reaction by sticking their noses into what they shouldn't have, each successive president sinking deeper and deeper into horrific military escalation, all in the good name of 'freedom'. As they did with Japan following the Second World War, I believe that the US is trying to make Iraq a physical barrier to the middle east, some sort of bulwark for long-term plans. To those at the top, losing civilians is inconsequential.

I do believe that terrorists like Osama bin Laden, Hitler and Stalin should be persecuted for unelashing destruction on humans. But the response should be treated with care. Why roll over the innocent civilians in the crossfire? No one seems to care about them. They have lives, just like the soldiers and the terrorists pumping bullets into their bodies.

Thoughts?

On "Strangers"

2006-06-13T19:18:00.000+05:30

I was suspicious of the fact that newcomers to this site were sort of inhibited from posting their comments - Asvajit relayed this information to me when he said that they would feel too intimidated by the subject matter. But a comment from 'Annelie..xox' on the Da Vinci Code Post made me realise that I have to point something out - this is not an exclusive cult for a specific group of people! Anyone is welcome, we'd love to have your opinions. Post away, we're not going to make you a Sporkist forcibly. I don't see how, anyway...

The list of Sporkists on the right are those that have declared themselves to be Sporkists. If you agree with our views and wouldn't mind being a part of our peaceful revolution, go ahead and make noise about it.

"On alcohol, drugs, pre-marital sex, over-indulgence, and gluttony"

2006-06-09T14:47:00.000+05:30

As requested by Electra.

The Sporkist view on the indulgence in anything, be it food or amphetamines, is simply thus:
Too much or too little of anything would be bad for you. Extremes, as in religion, are wrong.

And this works out for pretty much anything:

Food - too much results in obesity, too little in malnutrition
Alcohol/Narcotics (They're all drugs) - too much can result in death (after a vicious and depressing downward spiral) and too little can perhaps result in you being very stuck-up
Pre-marital Sex - this isn't quantifiable as such, but if you want to, go ahead. If you don't, just don't. Don't lash out others who feel differently

The list can go on. Just choose the part of moderation, gauge what's best for you, and try not to overdo it.

It's as simple as that.

On Spork and Art

2006-05-30T19:52:00.000+05:30

You all have probably seen the website of Asvajit, Spork's official artist. He's just asked me to pick any pictures that I want to illustrate our noble cause; I can't seem to decide for myself just yet, but I wouldn't mind your suggestions. Please visit his site and post suggestions here.

Meanwhile:

The Buddhist priest political party in Sri Lanka (I know, I know) used children (including child Buddhist priests) in an anti-terrorist demonstration. The party (known as the JHU) also expressed concern on allowing tuition classes for children on Sundays, worried that it will obstruct them from attending denominational education institutions (i.e.: Sunday School).
The Vatican expresses its concern over China's independence in appointing its own Bishops as without consulting the Pope; they call it "an issue undermining religious freedom".

Thoughts?

The Sporkist View of the Da Vinci Code

2006-05-26T15:58:00.000+05:30

I'm sure you've all been aware of the ridiculous and unnecessary controversy about the film 'The Da Vinci Code'. This is the Sporkist perspective.

a) Many of the assumptions made in the book have been proven false by a few documentaries; poor Dan Brown kept stressing throughout that it was a work of fiction anyway.
b) If your faith is strong, surely a work of fiction is not going to make you change your mind?
c) If you are an angry, outraged, righteous Catholic who wants it banned, why didn't you push for banning the book as well, since that's a fictional piece 'offending' your religion?
d) There's even a video game released for the Da Vinci Code, stressing the fact that this is all fiction.

So, if you are a sensible Sporkist, you're probably asking yourself: "Gosh, why bother if it's fiction and the theory of Jesus not being crucified and surviving to father a line of French Kings has been proven false... Why the hell are these Catholics losing it?"

Because [Drumroll]...
They have nothing better to do! And if they let these 'outrageous' things slip by them that easily, they'll look like they don't care. Which they should, since faith should be determined by the individual. But if it looks like they don't care, that means people won't be afraid of their amazing power.

Wow. What a bunch of bored fogeys, honestly.

Catholics all over the world are flipping out, and it's hilarious. Indian Catholics have threatened to fast unto death if the film is not banned. (But isn't suicide a Catholic sin?) I heard that in Sri Lanka, with a population that is only something like 5% Catholic, the film is banned there too. It's quite surprising that conservative Malaysia let it pass. The Catholic Association there said they recognised the fact that Catholics should decide for themselves if they want to watch the film or not.

What next? "Buddha Blasphemy"? "Krishna's Krime"? Or, "Allah's Secret"?

Grow up!

Attention, please

2006-05-23T20:39:00.000+05:30

I've just stumbled across this...

http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm#Main

Go watch it, right now.

Thoughts?

Another dead Sporkist: Remembering Bill Hicks

2006-05-21T15:44:00.000+05:30

The late Bill Hicks (December 16th, 1961 - February 26, 1994) was an American stand-up comedian, satirist and social critic. He described his own work as "Chomsky with dick jokes". If you haven't seen any of his performances, I urge you to go out and rent them out, or buy them. He was very much against manipulative governments - particularly the American government - and also against organised religion. Unfotunately, he died of pancreatic cancer at the peak of his career. Here are some of my favourite quotes of his:

How dare you have a wino tell me not to use drugs?
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: 'Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.' How do you know that? 'Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts.' [Does this sound familiar? - Prophet]
Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. 'Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years.' Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good.
You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well ... you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
Not all drugs are good. Some ... are great.
They (Australians) celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word bunny or chocolate anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you’re making shit up - you know - go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations: 'Mum, today I found a Lincoln log in my sock drawer.' 'That’s the story of Jesus'.
Christianity has a built-in defense system: Anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism, and the only way to get by it – and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist – is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field and just go, 'Show me.'

And then, the absolute best...

The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, 'Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride ...' And we ... kill those people. Ha ha, 'Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

On Bertie

2006-05-20T08:31:00.000+05:30

Bertrand Russel was a British philosopher who worked mostly in the 20th Century. I would advise all you Sporkists to go out and read just any of his books, because it will simply do you good, just to even read a few chapters and see what his mode of thought is.

He was an average guy, and wrote a whole bunch of books relating philosophy to modern-day events, like theology and politics. Here are some of the things he said:

I am as firmly convinced that religions do harm as I am that they are untrue.
After ages during which the earth produced harmless trilobites and butterflies, evolution progressed to the point at which it generated Neros, Genghis Khans, and Hitlers. This, however, is a passing nightmare; in time the earth will become again incapable of supporting life, and peace will return.
Every man would like to be God, if it were possible; some few find it difficult to admit the impossibility.
Joy of life... depends upon a certain spontaneity in regard to sex. Where sex is repressed, only work remains, and a gospel of work for work's sake never produced any work worth doing.
Anything you're good at contributes to happiness.
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.
One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.
Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence; it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines.
War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

This Movement hereby honours Bertrand Russel as a Sporkist. Rest in Peace, Bertie.

Reactions?

2006-05-11T15:58:00.000+05:30

Thanks for some of you arguing out the commandments. It's still open for arguments, so feel free to list anything there.

I hope you've all been trying to apply these ideas in real life. List any reactions or problems you came across here.

The New Commandments

2006-05-05T19:30:00.000+05:30

The time has [finally] come, brethren.

After a vicious period of examining human history and human nature, I have finally come up with a new draft of the commandments. They are as follows:

1. Keep thy faith to thyself
2. There is no Lord to blasphemise
3. You are nothing by definition, except a human being
4. Help the Heathen Scum realise the error of their ways. If they don't co-operate, leave them to realise it themselves
5. Spread the love, albeit in a decent manner
6. Always be willing to break the rules
7. Covet appropriately. In fact, covet all you want. What good will it do you? What are your chances, realistically speaking?

One of the benefits of this religion/philosophy that I outlined earlier was that it essence is still open to change and discussion. This means that you can actually put your suggestions up here to modify or oppose the above seven. If your argument is convincing enough, I shall definitely alter the commandments. I am looking forward to your feedback.

The next step in cementing Spork's existence is to actually go out there and do this. Take it to work, school, and your house. Argue with fundamentalists. Encourage those who wish to progress in a modern manner. Introduce Spork to the people in your lives. Give them this link. This is the first step in creating Spork-societies.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go for it! And report back reactions.

Keep Sporking.

Time to go out there and Spork... But, first...

2006-04-27T17:43:00.000+05:30

Greetings, Sporkists. The Time has come.

Well, sort of.

Now that you know where the movement and you as an individual stand, it is time for you to leave your computer and go out into the world, and start Sporking.
How?
Firstly, the Three Prophets have decided to refom the Ten Commandments. We are going to be totally honest with you in saying that the original ten were merely spoofs of the Catholic ones. But we are going to have a Beefpie baking day to see what the Beefpie God truly desires. Expect the new ten to come up soon, the definitive and cemented version, so keep checking. It's going to take a lot for us to receive The Beefpie's true will.

After that, the creation of a Spork Society will be underway. You must go out there into the world and implement His will, the will of sensibility and peace. We'll get back to you soon.

Stay tuned.

Forgotten Hiccups

2006-04-26T20:48:00.000+05:30

I'm starting to get very, very sick about hearing these Hypocrite Evangelists and Trigger-Happy fundamentalist Muslims talking about 'in the name of God'. As George Carlin so cleverly put it, "more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason", all for some "Invisible Guy in the Sky". Didn't the idiots consider looking towards a Beefpie? You'd think that would have occurred to them before they went along on their awful crusades, which still astound us of sensibility.

Anyway, here is a classic and my favourite example of a forgotten hiccup. It's heavily shortened and summarised, there's not enough room here for the entire story. This unfortunate event started unfurling way back in 1212, in France. A shepherd boy, Stephen, had requested to see King Philip to deliver an urgent letter, incidentally from the hand of Christ Himself. Christ had evidently told the kid to go preach the Crusade (ha!) but the King thought better of it and told the little tosser to get lost. This was most probably due to the fact that there were numerous preachers running around at the time, preaching a crusade against the Muslims of the East or of Spain or against the heretics of Languedoc - he must have caught wind of it and gotten all inspired.

Regardless of being rejected by Phil, the boy - Stephen was 12, mind you - went on to preach at the abbey of Saint-Denis and announced that he was going to lead an army of kids to rescue Christendom. (At this point, you'd start cracking up. But no. What you do is, bury your face in your hands.) Older people were actually impressed by this psycho's eloquence and endorsed his drive to recruit a Child Army.
A month later, all the recruits - several thousand of them, not one of them over the age of 21 - consisting of both peasants and those of noble birth, accompanied by a few young priests and older pilgrims, started out on foot to Marseilles (Stephen was given a cart and an umbrella. Some of his followers died from sunstroke). They got to the harbour, and were disappointed to see that the sea had not divided before them like it had for Moses, as the kid had prophesised. They nearly kicked his ass, but two merchants offered to hire out vessels - seven of them, free - to take them across the seas. No news was heard from them until 18 years later.

Meanwhile, more kids from the Rhineland heard about Stephen, and lo and behold, ze Germans were not to be left out of this great divine deal. Everyone wanted in on the action, only with a German touch, insisting to non-believers that children could do way better than adults at warfare. This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Also, Germans were on an average slightly older than the Frenchies and they were more chicks with them. There was also a larger number of boys of the nobility, and a number of "disreputable vagabonds" and hookers. They planned to recapture the Holy Land through conversion, though, unlike the bloodthirsty French.

The Germans, however, were obstructed. Disillusioned by the sea not parting for them (I know, I know, just keep reading, it gets worse) some of them accepted the Genoan authorities' offers to become permanent residents. Many families there today claim to be the end product of this alien immigration. Then, at Pisa, two ships agreed to take several kids on. No one ever heard of them again. Nicholas, who led the Germans, trudged on to Rome, where he was greeted my Pope Innocent. The Pope was stoked at their determination, but quite ruffled about the sheer stupidity, and persuaded them to return home.

Got to pause to laugh here.
Okay, done.

When they returned, several outraged parents, whose kids had perished, demanded the arrest of Nicholas' father, who egged him on. So he was hanged. Some of the kids that had actually crawled all the way back home and survived the journey were attacked, beaten, and murdered for having failed in their faith, as the chroniclers report it.

Much, much later in 1230, one of the Priests who had survived the French party returned to Marseilles and told their story. This is the juicy bit. Two of the ships were wrecked on the island of San Pietro, off the south-west corner of Sardinia, and all the passengers were drowned. The five ships that survived the storm found themselves soon afterwards surrounded by a Saracen squadron from Africa; and the passengers, to their utter horror and dismay, learned that they had been brought there by arrangement, to be sold into captivity. Others, the young priest among them, were shipped on to Egypt, where Frankish slaves fetched a better price. When they arrived at Alexandria the greater part of the consignment was bought by the governor, to work on his estates. According to the priest there were still about seven hundred of them living. A small company was taken to the slave-markets of Baghdad; and there eighteen of them were martyred for refusing to accept Islam.

More fortunate were the young priests and the few others that were literate. The governor of Egypt, al-Adil's son al-Kamil, was interested in Western languages and letters. He bought them and kept them with him as interpreters, teachers and secretaries, and made no attempt to convert them to his faith. They stayed on in Cairo in a comfortable captivity; and eventually this one priest was released and allowed to return to France. He told the questioning parents of his comrades all that he knew, then disappeared into obscurity. A later story identified the two wicked merchants of Marseilles with two merchants who were hanged a few years afterwards for attempting to kidnap the Emperor Frederick on behalf of the Saracens, thus making them in the end pay the penalty for their crimes.

But what about the greater crimes involved? Why did the government/authorities let these kids go? Did they sincerely believe that they were actually going to reach the Holy Land and fight? Absolute insanity. I can't believe that people have forgotten all about this. And religion and government still do things like this. Bush keeps saying he listens to God: are we to understand, then, that God wants to nuke Iraq and Iran? God wants democracy by killing hundreds and grabbing some oil at the same time, and Allah calls for the destruction of the west.

Why isn't anyone listening to Beefpies?

In Reply to the Fluffy Bunny Man

2006-04-25T15:33:00.000+05:30

This is in reply to a post made on a blog belonging to a gentleman who likes Fluffy Bunnies, all about Spork. (That's not him, just a very alarming picture I stumbled upon. Hope it's not real.) Very nice of him to spread the word, but I would encourage you to post comments here, even if they are criticisms. But if you're just going to praise and kiss the Crust of the Beefpie God, do it here and on your blog.

Anyway, in Spork's defence: I am fully aware that the universe is a big place. I don't need to point it out to you that we are nothing but specks of dust in the cosmic scale of things. I feel that the establishments that have guided us to where we are now have truly and sincerely made things quite irrevocable and irreversible. Spork is an attempt to break the timeline and bring us to a peaceful standstill, where we can make a decent departure from earth as its most intelligent species, without nuking each other into oblivion.

Trust me when I say that those who follow this religion are rabbits who share your vision of a peaceful Valhalla. The thing is, to get there, we are going to have to transcend a number of things. The concept of an establishment will be destroyed. This is the establishment to destroy all establishments for all time, the 'war to end all wars' as so to speak. All that will be left after this revolution will be you, and a whole lot of time for yourself. A whole lot.

The gentleman also said: "It's a failing of mine that I can't map out the route from Blair's dreary little den of greasy corruption towards the grassy meadow where rabbits write poetry and drink elderflower wine." How true. See the previous post on this website. Spork calls for active involvement. You have to go out there and carry out the will of the Beefpie God. (Which will be revealed soon, I'm still waiting for It to get back to me on that one.) This gentleman is quite honest in recognising this fundamental flaw of laziness that inhibits change.

The World can be a better place. Don't lose heart now, please. You just have to make the effort to fulfil the Beefpie God's will.

Stay Tuned.

What difference do you actually make?

2006-04-25T08:01:00.000+05:30

In today's 'liberated' societies, the average educated individual tends to thank his/her lucky stars that he/she was fortunate enough to receive a decent education and is 'aware' of the world and its misgivings around him/her. You do tend to think that this alone is a difference - and then you're comfortable with that fact alone. You go on watching independent movies, listening to music that diverts from mainstream radio and you promote teen sex (regardless of your age). And then, whoops, you're dead. Maybe this post-liberation generation wouldn't marry, maybe you'll adopt and have a 'life-partner' or whatever it is, and then die. What difference did you make, even after appearing to have cared about Bush's neo-totalitarianism and the autocracy of radio in bad music? You just applied it to your personality and made friends who had similar personalities. That's fine, it's just that you're not sweating enough. You need to get involved. You need to do some Spork. You need to join this struggle. The Beefpie God told me to tell you this after a horrifying nightmare I received detailing the future of humanity if none of us made a difference. It said that he'd issue directives concerning what we exactly have to do as well, so stay tuned.

What Spork offers that other Religions don't

2006-04-23T10:21:00.000+05:30

The fact that this religion is merely a month old, and that it has a significant lack of history means that we have no grudges, no unfortunate histories of crusades and jihads. We are friendly to all.
This religion is not based on the thoughts of a group of people who died years and years ago. It is based on the thoughts of people who you can actually interact with and ask questions, rather than being told by 'representatives' who may modify the original thought to serve political and financial means (e.g.- God needs twenty dollars from you today.) We are against the organisations, the church, and not your God.
This religion does not and will not question your faith. You can believe in anything you want to. We recognise that your faith is a private thing, and that a relationship with God can only be controlled by you and you only, without the interference of a third party. You don't even have to believe in the all-mighty Beefpie God. Freedom of Faith, Freedom from Religion.
This religion is not outdated like all the others. Whereas most of the mainstream organised religions were established to formulate a means of control on society, they prevail today for a range of different reasons - politics, unflinching refusals to turn to reason, and the ever-tampering spectre of tradition.
We can openly say that you won't see any miracles here. We are quite down-to-earth. I mean, when was the last time you saw a miracle performed by a 'representative' of God? The last miracle I saw was that a Pastor's name at a collaborator's local church was 'Delicious'. No, really.
There is no spooky language designed to scare you here. No 'limbo' for people who were good all their lives and yet didn't believe in God, making them heathens. No 'sabbath' (sabbath day is everyday here!). No fatwa. No jihad.
Our notional 'shepherd' is more inviting and attractive than those of other faiths. I mean, you'd have to agree that a Beefpie looks way better than Pope Ratzinger's face. (See above right.)

More coming soon. Stay tuned.

Revision of Heathen Scum List

2006-04-22T16:47:00.000+05:30

The Heathen Scum List has been withdrawn for serious revision.

While the Prophets and collaborators are busy revising the list, we welcome any suggestions of people/groups that you want to see on that list. Please also give us your reasons.

Stay tuned.

The picture on the right, by the way, is real. Click it to visit the source, and watch the video.

Some Clarifications

2006-04-21T09:55:00.000+05:30

Firstly, thank you all for your feedback, and I'm looking forward for more.

This is mostly in reply to the biggest comment we've received so far, by someone who goes by the name of manena. He/she said, "I will not fire your ammunition with intention to hurt rather than educate". Fair enough. It must be made clear that I disapprove of religions, but not those who follow it. I want to rescue these people, save them. If we eradicate absolutely everyone, what world will be left? It undermines the concept of freedom that I am trying to realise.

This is also not a religion that "stems from hate". I used a few abrasive words a few posts ago; but to clarify, this is a religion that has stemmed from frustration, and a drive to liberate. I do not wish to create a "cult of intellectual snobs either". There is no discrimination here. This is for everyone. There is no select market. We must understand everyone's views, and then find a way of sifting through them.

Oprah lovers and Bush voters are welcome here. I do not hate them, merely the idols they follow. We have to make everyone understand. Our purity will prevail. Human evolution will be at hand.

Stay tuned.