Not THAT Girl...THIS Girl

Yeah, I don't know how long it's been either.

2009-05-18T10:51:00.009-04:00

But, I'm back. Finally decided to live. Taking my life back. I'm still giving myself permission to grieve and have "a day," but Beth would not want me to be paralyzed by my grief and sadness. In fact, she would be giving me a royal butt-kicking by now.

Maybe she did and that's why I suddenly decided it was time to start living again.

When I looked around (not too closely, by the way) at my home this weekend, I realized just how far gone I was. My house is a pit. There is little food in the fridge and pantry. The darlings have gone off the deep end as far as picking up after themselves and cleaning up after themselves. They aren't doing it. Period.

And I totally didn't care.

My level of apathy was off the charts.

Now that my eyes are opened and I'm seeing life around me again, I'm actually pretty ticked off. At least someone could have picked up the slack while I checked out for a time! I suppose I can't really blame them too much. They were dealing with their own grief plus watching their mother (aka She Who Must Be in Control of All) struggle and just not care. And My Man did step up. For a time. Then he just through in the towel, too.

So, I'm back at it today. Got a nice walk in. Stopped and talked with neighbors. Rescued the Miss Utility dude from our dog (why on earth did he go in the back yard on his own anyway?) Did a load of laundry and had my quiet time. Totally not in that order.

I'm picking up Memory Monday again. I have seriously clung to Psalm 103 the last couple months. I feel like God is calling me to memorize it. In chunks. So I will begin today with Psalm 103:1-3:

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases...

I do have tons of thoughts swirling around in my brain. I hope to begin piecing some thoughts together soon and typing them up. I need to go back through my journal writing. I also need to go through my notes and thoughts from 90 Days With a Heart Like His that Jill and I tried to keep up with but I was a total slacker and she was a total giver of grace. I think we just finished up Day 78 in the devotion but it's probably like day 250 since we actually began.

Okay, time to eat some food and grab a bottle of water. Part of my gaining control of my life again includes my eating. I have completely turned to food as my comfort. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. While I have no plans to give up my coffee and cream (please, Lord, please let me keep this), I do need to get back to drinking several bottles of water each day and eating to live, not living to eat (chiastic structure, anyone?).

I love you guys.

Susan

I am the lamest contest hostess EV-AH.

2009-04-13T09:40:00.006-04:00

Seriously, I'm not going to use all that has been going on in my life as an excuse. Or am I? Yes, I think I shall.

So, I was reading and re-reading your entries this morning. I was looking for "snortability". I found some that really made me snort out loud.

Seriously, though...will any of us ever be able to live up to the standard that was set by T. with "ponis". Alas, I am afraid not.

And, in fact, we have a double winner today. First off, Mary with "rantsi": Rantsi -- these are underwear for the older, more mature, but still wild party girl. It's more than a thong but less than a panty -- it's a RANTSI. Hot date with the hubs tonight, gotta break out the black lace rantsi.

Followed up quickly by Sarah with "mistong": Mistong- a tong like apperatice used by the said "more mature-party girls" to help dislodge the "Rantsi" in the case that it rides too high. Hit pause on the hot date with the hubs, gotta sneak in the ladies room and dislodge my rantsi using my mistong.

It was more the combination of the two together that made me laugh (and snort) the loudest.

Girls...send me your addresses. I have one copy of Joanne's book here at home and I will have another one sent directly to one of you from Amazon.

Thanks for your patience. Life got in the way.

Love you guys.

Susan

A Contest/give-away.

2009-03-31T20:06:00.005-04:00

So. My bff Fran had the MOST fun giveaway eveh. You can read all about it here.

I'm totally copying her cool idea. (with her permission)

I'm giving away this. I've started reading a copy but Joanne's fab-o publicist sent me a review/give-away copy. You can win it.

But you have to make me laugh. Like snorting snot kinda laughing. I know you can do it.

So, post a comment to this post and when the word verification thing comes up

(totally copied this from Fran's post)

copy the word to your comment AND give me the correct pronunciation of your "word" AND a definition AND use it in a sentence.

I'll leave this open until midnight Friday. Saturday I'll announce the big winner.

In the meantime, join me in reading the comments and hopefully...snorting a whole lotta snot.

Let the games begin.

Just an update on my life.

2009-03-25T13:13:00.008-04:00

MY LIFE. Where do I begin?

God is doing a number on me. And while it is painful, frustrating, frightening, and often annoying (that is so me), it is good. Good, I tell you (or keep telling myself).

In the grand scheme of things, I'm a spoiled rotten brat. I have an amazing husband whom I also still think is DDG (drop dead gorgeous). Three incredibly brilliant, albeit underachieving, children that run me ragged and make my heart swell and my eyes tear every time I think of them. Well, when I'm not ready to throttle one of them.

Family, friends...all of the important things.

And they have all become oh, so much more important with the recent diagnosis of my friend Beth.

Nothing like seeing a loved-one stare into the face of death to put things into perspective for you.
So, here are a few things that ~~I have decided~~ God has made clear to me:

:: I don't care WHO you are...if I love you, I'm going to tell you so. None of this half-hearted crap anymore. No more being afraid of what you will think. I don't really care what you think. Well, of course I do...but you know what I mean.

:: I am no longer going to be afraid. Period. God created me to be a warrior. To fight. Not to fear. I'm sick of being afraid. I have missed out on so very much because I was afraid. And that includes flying. That's right. FLYING. I still may need a handful of Dramamine washed down by a little bottle of my good buddy Jack, but I'm gettin' on that plane.

:: I am going to worship. I am going to lift my arms high and praise Him if I feel led to. I am going to sing out my praise as loudly as I dern-well want to. And I'm not going to be afraid of what anyone else is thinking or doing. He wants to hear and see my praise. He created me to praise.

:: And I am getting back up there on that praise team. Not right this second, but I am. Maybe not for awhile. But I will. And it's not because I'm afraid. It truly isn't. But I do need to practice and toughen up these now-non-calloused-finger-tips.

:: I am going to love my husband like nobody's bidness. He is going to know I love him even in the midst of me wanting to kill him. Cuz let's be real. Sometimes you really do just want to put a major smack down on your spouse.

:: I'm going to start doing some of the things I want to do but just haven't done or been doing for whatever reason. No real examples of that right now and I don't mean it in a selfish way. Maybe I've just been too afraid.

:: I am going to have joy in this life. The joy that can only come from the Lord, My God. No, this is not my home. I am just passing through. Very rapidly, I might add. But I am going to have joy here, while longing for my one true home.

That is all.

For now.

Love you guys like crazy.

Miss Me?

2009-03-19T12:44:00.002-04:00

I'm over here blogging for awhile. Come visit and leave a comment for my bff, Beth.

Thanks, everyone.

2009-03-16T21:59:00.001-04:00

Y'all are just blessing my socks off with your overwhelming help and support for Beth and her family. I am loving passing on your comments and notes to them. The prayer time tonight was absolutely wonderful. Thank you for coming.

Susan

Scary Movies. Scary Life.

2009-03-12T16:59:00.002-04:00

Our youngest child ADORES scary movies. The scarier and gorier, the better.

I find life scary enough, thank you very much. I have nightmares that terrify me...always involving real life people and common place events.

I don't need made-up monsters, diseases, ghosts and goblins.

I can pick up the newspaper or go to cnn.com for all the monsters, illnesses, lies and fairy tales I want.

I really don't care to see people dead or dying.

I can turn to my church family, their relatives and friends, and to my bloggy world for more than my fair share of that.

I'm kind of ticked at God today about some illnesses and deaths. I know and truly believe that His ways are not my ways. But I don't like it. I don't like the pain I have. I don't like the pain I see in others.

I have read different takes on asking Jesus to come quickly. Some have determined that it is wrong to ask Him to. Wrong because He gave us this life to live and to live fully and completely. Yes, we should long for Heaven. After all, this place is not our true home. Heaven is. But we shouldn't be bugging Him about it. He has stated He will come when He comes and we are not to know the time.

Other's have stated that it is just natural and logical that we should be begging Him to come quickly. And even that word, quickly, does not mean the same to us as it does to Him.

Like most things I say and do here lately, if it really isn't right to ask Him to come quickly, I know He will forgive me. So I will continue to ask Him. Especially at times like now. When the pain is deep. When life is just hard.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Knowing when to speak. And when not to speak.

2009-03-06T09:49:00.004-05:00

Thank you, Bethie. You and Esther were such a huge, huge part of my last two weeks.

I haven't spoken much, to anyone, over the last two weeks. I knew I wasn't supposed to. But now...dude, the flood gates are a-open and I have got to let it out. Here we go:

1. My oldest comes home today for Spring Break. I miss him so very, very much. And have I mentioned he cooks/loves to cook/is dying to cook this week? Yay!!!! Oh, and lest there is any doubt...this is my first born and there is that.

2. Turned on iTunes when I sat down and (I swear to you) the first song that came up (I have it on random play) was "Shackles" by Travis. Oh, Lord...You are so amazing!

3. My girl has had a really, really tough time lately. Oh, the rebellion. The disobedience. I went deep, folks. Really deep. I didn't know what to pray, even. Thankfully, I was reminded over and over and over by all of you that the Holy Spirit groans for me when I am prayerless. And He so did. I felt His presence like rarely before. Thankfully. Otherwise, I just would have had a total break down.

4. When my girl gets stressed, I've noticed, that is when she goes into major rebellion. I guess it is her way of controlling something. We discussed it this morning. We made some plans to help with the "spinning out of control" feeling. I feel her pain. I do did the same thing. Okay, I do it. I do it. I do it still. Yes, thank You Dear Lord for the thump on the head reminder.

5. I am having lunch with Mrs. G and Mrs. S today at our fave Mexican place (Frannie!) and I am so psyched. Seriously, great food and great friends...can it get any better?

6. My girl is being recruited by her former high school coach to play some junior college volleyball. I'm not sure I can take it. The good thing is that he knows her and has even said he set up this program specifically with her in mind (?!). And, the best part...junior college play so no commitment issues if it doesn't work with her schedule and the aforementioned tendency to spinoutofcontrol. We'll see. Still in the discussion stages. She wants to go out for some practice time with the team before committing. Have I mentioned she is extremely competitive? Rumor has it some of the girls have been playing on a club team and they well, shall we say ~~suck~~ aren't that good. That concerns her. lol.

7. Lost is really ticking me off. Just when I feel like I am getting a handle on things, they introduce new people and new story lines. Seriously Lost writers and producers...help a girl out here.

8. And what is with this? I always knew Zeva and Tony would get together but please, please, please do not bring them together and then have something tragic happen. Nooooo!!!!!

9. My secret crush guy is totally Mark Harmon, by the way. The man just gets better looking with age. Just like my very own, real-life crush.

10. Have I mentioned my boy comes home from Longwood today?

11. My house is currently and officially A Disgusting Pit. And yet here I sit blogging.

12. I have the best friends. Ever. The ones I hug regularly. The ones I have yet to hug.

13. He Reigns is playing. Travis, you rock my world.

14. It dawned on me this week that in three months (please Lord) I will be the mother of two high school graduates. Let me type that again so it can sink in (to my brain). I will soon be the mother of two high school graduates. Surely, it is time for another child. Just kidding. Seriously, totally kidding. Can you imagine? I can not.

15. Please believe when I say that I love my Lord, God more and more every single day. He is absolutely incredible.

16. Anyone working on The Love Dare? I've started it. But I'm not going to focus on 40 days' worth. I'm going to do each day for as long as it takes. For as long as I feel that God is telling me that I might actually get it. An then I'll move on to the next day.

17. I am so thankful for each of you in my life.

18. See, Alana...I'm okay.

Love you guys.

Sometimes life just sucks.

2009-02-28T19:03:00.003-05:00

It's a Memorable Monday.

2009-02-23T10:12:00.004-05:00

Why is it that on the Monday morning that you have decided to institute an entirely new morning routine the following stars align to totally screw it up:

1. No sleep during the night.
2. Hubs gets up at 4, yes FOURINTHEMORNING, to shower, get dressed and head to the airport for a 7 am flight to the West Coast.
3. After he leaves, you FINALLY fall asleep.
4. Which causes you to sleep through your alarm.
5. And your children showering.
6. But the angry screams of your 17 year old daughter jerk you back to consciousness and, unfortunately, reality.
7. Because she is getting ready to head out the door but has just discovered that her cat, who has never in his (soon-to-be-short-lived) four years on this planet, NEVER, EVER peed anywhere but in his kitty litter box, decided to pee on her blanket. And shirts. And other clothing (STILL ON HER FLOOR, BY THE WAY).
8. So your entirely new morning routine has been expanded to include touching (and by touching I also mean smelling) every inch of your home to ensure that said cat (did I mention it was her stinkin' cat? and that he might not live through his next 8 lives?) hasn't been peeing all over the house for awhile and no one has smelled it because, ya know, our sinuses and heads have been so stuffed up for the past three months that we couldn't smell anything, to include said daughter's sports bag which, let me tell ya, our neighbor can smell. From inside her house.
9. And you HAVE to go pick up your meds today because you haven't had time to do it for FOUR DAYS and now it is CRITICAL or someone is going to die. And by someone, I mean one of my children. most likely the owner of that )(*&%$$) stinkin' cat!!!!

(big sigh). Okay, it is now 10:19 and I haven't showered yet. I haven't eaten anything yet and my first cup of coffee is only half-drunk and stone cold and I still have to go to Walmart to get life-saving meds and stop by B&R and pick up an ice cream cake for sweet Beth and oh, by the way, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK SOMETIME TODAY.

Thank you for listening. I hope to talk about Memory Monday later. Say...Friday maybe?

Love you guys....

Check out this sweet giveaway!

2009-02-20T13:49:00.001-05:00

Beth is having a giveaway. Check it out!

I love the UPS man.

2009-02-20T10:38:00.005-05:00

He leaves me things like this:

While getting something D-R-A-S-T-I-C done to my hair this afternoon, I'll be reading Misplacing God by my bff, Joanne. The middle book is a devotional book for Lent. By the same author of the devotional I used for Advent and loved. And then the A&E/PBS version of Pride & Prejudice which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and will probably spend the entire day tomorrow watching from beginning to end. Sigh. Did I mention I love this version?

Okay, off to get ready to head to the office and then to my 1:00 D-R-A-S-T-I-C hair appointment. She booked me in for two hours. Two Hours. We're talking something big, apparently. Wish I knew what it was...

Love you girls.

Seriously...you can't handle the truth.

2009-02-16T09:46:00.001-05:00

That's all I have to say about that.

Oh. Hello Little Blog.

2009-02-11T20:16:00.001-05:00

I am so sorry I have forgotten you. I will try to get back to you soon. I promise.

The Super Bowl, Mean Boys and Memory Monday.

2009-02-02T15:02:00.007-05:00

First of all...the Super Bowl and Mean Boys connection. I admit I was definitely wanting the Cards to win. Kurt Warner...so wanted him to have this win. But I don't have anything against the Steelers. Or at least I didn't until this game. Mean Boys. I really thought there was some blatant unsportsmanship-like-conduct demonstrated by the ~~Mean~~ Steelers. I was more saddened by it than anything else.

I've totally been focused on all of the "meanness" around me since beginning the study of Esther. My own meanness, especially. Sigh. I'm sure I'll be spilling-my-guts blogging all about it. Eventually.

The commercials...some were oh-so-funny. But the goda*dy commercials? Come. On. Again, I was quite saddened by watching them. Especially as I looked around my living room and saw all of the young men sitting there watching the game. Most around the age of 13. And the same aged young women who can't help but feel they are supposed to look and act like that. There needs to be some serious change in values in this country. There needs to be some serious, Christian role models for our young women. I'm not talking young women who are perfect/were perfect. But young women who are real. Will tell our girls exactly what they went through, good and bad. Having had a daughter who struggled with eating issues and who still looks in the mirror and thinks she is fat...well, I have to be honest and tell you that I no longer know what to say to her. The last time she did that, I just started to cry. Literally, tears. I don't know how to convince her she is not fat. She is stunning. And even if she was carrying the extra pounds her mind has been tricked into believing she is, she would still be stunning. She's is compassionate. Funny. Loving. Outgoing and personable. And she loves Jesus! None of that seems to matter. To her or to her friends.

On to Memory Monday.

And because I've been struggling with my own thought-life for the last few months, I felt that God was really leading me to memorize this scripture:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Maybe this is one our daughters should memorize, too.

Love you guys bunches.

Yoga, hot cocoa and Travis...aka Some Randomness..

2009-01-27T17:29:00.008-05:00

I love bullet points, don't y'all? Too bad. Live with it.

:: There is only one thing that is really bothering me about the impending anniversary of my birth. The need to have a pair of reading glasses tucked into my shirt collar, in every room, in every purse or bag I might be carrying (or might possible THINK I'll be carrying), in the car and in the office. Other than that, the prospect of turning fortyeightfunlovinyears old in a few days hasn't really entered my mind. Other than I've already got my birthday money spent. In my mind anyway.

:: More important on the birthday horizon is the fact that my sweet baby boy turns 13 the day before I turn a decidedly unmatronly 48. Thirteen years old and he is already six feet tall. To say that he stands out in the hallways at his middle school is an understatement.

:: I have been having a major woe-is-me-super-duper-pity-party lately. Not because of my birthday. But because...well, I don't really know why. I do know that I am DERN sick of it.

:: Today: no more pity party.

:: The plumber who showed up to FINALLY install our new gas logs without the correct copper piping, however, almost needed his own pity party. I was a bit irked. Especially since I had the tea kettle going, Mame's chair was strategically placed just close enough to warm my tootsies and my bible study materials were stacked up ready to be, um, studied. Looks like another delay of a few days. Gr.

:: So I pulled out my yoga mat, my Christian yoga DVD (still in it's original wrapping) and hit the floor. A year of not working out, not taking care of oneself, and gaining a few pounds really makes a difference at the age one has found herself. Downward Dog was more like Shaky Whimpering Fallen Over Puppy. I pushed through and followed the for-those-of-you-~~who-are-whimps-~~wanting-a-light-workout leader.

:: I was quite irritated so I pulled out my weights and did some upper body reps. Not many, but it's a start.

:: I pretty much had the house to myself today so I did some office work (church office, that is) while listening to Travis on my iPhone. That boy can Bring. It. I always feel the hand of God on me when I'm worshipping with Travis.

:: We had three inches of snow today. I got a measuring stick out and stuck it in the snow on the back deck table. Wished I had photographed it, but I didn't.

:: While our youngest child was ignoring his cell phone orders to come home immediately to shovel, I decided to get out and shovel a path up the driveway. Two driveways and sidewalks later, I was done. Thanks to the spousal unit who showed up and Flo, our wonderful 69 year old neighbor who is in better shape than me OR you.

:: Last, but not least, I made some hot cocoa. With real cocoa, sugar, 2% milk (dern...shouldn't have used all the whipping cream) and little white floating mallows. Yum. Mers.

:: That's my day in a nutshell. My husband, when he asked me what I did all day, got a big laugh out of my description to him: blogged, facebooked and twittered. All. Day. Long.

:: That's what he would have believed anyway.

Love you guys.

Y'all here me talk alot about stress.

2009-01-23T08:57:00.004-05:00

I have always allowed stress to creep in and take control of my life. My health. My thoughts. My eating.

I have been feeling so crummy lately. After my quiet time this morning I had to get down on the floor, face down...we have a lovely rug in the living room where I happened to do my bible study this morning. It is thick and comfy and pretty. The sun was streaming in through the back door and I chose a warm, bright spot to place my hands and my face. If it wasn't for the dog hair, cat hair and cookie crumbs...it would have been perfect!

Thankfully, He knew my heart was there (even if my vacuuming skills weren't).

Again...again...AGAIN...he reminded me that basically...this is all my own doing. The crumminess I have felt, the fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, yadda yadda is because I don't listen to Him. I don't obey Him. I totally freak out about everything and worry, fret, stew, search for answers on the internet when He Has All The Answers. He Has Given Me The Antidote For Healing. I refuse to take it. I refuse to take Him.

When am I going to learn? When am I going to obey? When am I going to be disciplined? When am I going to focus on Him and not wallow in my own...SELF. Susan Entertaining Lunatic Focus. Okay, I threw that one together in a nano-second...but I'll work on a better one.

Anyway...this is one of the major things I miss about meeting with The Girls every week. They kept me in check. I would get the nurturing, mothering and warm hugs from Jill; Velora would get my food, vitamins and exercise program in line; Jen would quote me wonderful scriptures and add her own wise counsel; Lori would just give me a kick in the ass. It is what I need people and I miss it! I cannot be held accountable for myself. I just can't do it. I've proved it for the last 48 years!

So...I am asking Him to take the place of my wonderful girls and get me back on track. And if a few girls just happen to toss some butt-kicking, huggin', food ideas, scripture reading my way...I would be most grateful!

Love you guys.

David and Esther and cookies...oh my!

2009-01-19T09:29:00.006-05:00

Jill and I were going through withdrawal so we start David, 90 Days with a Heart Like His. We finished up 90 Days with the One and Only a week or so ago. The Esther study has not been as homework intensive as past Bethie studies, so we both felt we could handle the extra David devotional.

Today is also Memory Monday, but I have not really felt led to any scripture I am supposed to memorize yet. Maybe I missed it? Possibly.

I know this probably sounds odd, but I am still not back in the groove following the unexpected trip to the emergency room with Brett last Thursday. I am not sure what the problem is. Could be something as simple as I have just been so dern busy that I haven't had a moment to stop. That very well could be the case.

As a wife, mom, employee, friend, sister...I often feel overwhelmed by all of the pulling on my arm and time for attention. I haven't even felt like my quiet time in the morning has really been, well, quiet.

When my husband and children mentioned possibly going skiing the last weekend in January. Without me. I jumped at the opportunity to push them all out the door and have Friday and Saturday to myself! It didn't matter that Friday is Brett's birthday and Saturday is mine. We're talking QUIET. And FREEDOM. And did I mention QUIET? Some alone time...I need it. I can't live without it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out!

I totally overdid the cookies yesterday and I'm sure I've gained back the 4.4 pounds I lost the week before. I wish I could say it was worth it. Although they are the best cookies I've ever had. Here's the recipe. I got it from my favorite cooking blog.

Our Favorite Chocolate Chip Cookies*
The Great Book of Chocolate

So, here’s my chocolate chip cookie thing. The nuts are always well-toasted and they’re always finely chopped–as in, some will be the size of petite peas but many will be more like powder. What this gets you is a cookie filled with all of the awesome flavor of nuts, as well as the extra crunch, without the nuts actually interrupting your chocolate chip experience. Nobody wants their chocolate experience interrupted. Half the people who try them will have no idea there are nuts at all in there–thus hushing the nut haters–but they will know that there is something undeniably better.

1/2 cup (100 grams) granulated sugar
1/2 cup (120 grams) firmly packed light brown sugar
8 tablespoons (1 stick) (115 grams) unsalted butter, cold, cut into 1/2-inch (1cm) pieces
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/4 cups (175 grams) all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt or 1/2 teaspoon flaky sea salt (optional)
1 1/2 cups (200 grams) semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup (130 grams) walnuts or pecans, toasted and chopped

Adjust the oven rack to the top third of the oven and preheat to 300F (150C). Line three baking sheets with parchment paper.

Beat the sugars and butters together until smooth. Mix in the egg, vanilla, and baking soda.

Stir together the flour and salt, then mix them into the batter. Mix in the chocolate chips and nuts.

Scoop the cookie dough into 2-tablespoon (5cm) balls and place 8 balls, spaced 4 inches (10cm) apart, on each of the baking sheets.

Bake for 18 minutes, or until pale golden brown. Remove from the oven and cool on a wire rack.

Store at room temperature in an airtight container for up to 3 days.

I have to tell you that the DOUGH alone was incredible. Just keepin' it real.

Love you guys!

It's always nice to have an unexpected morning spent in the emergency room.

2009-01-15T17:12:00.004-05:00

Thankfully, it was nothing serious. But it totally threw me and I have yet, at 5:12pm to get back on track!

I was up early this morning, quiet time with God, working on Esther has propelled me out of bed every morning this week. Well, that and the smell of my yummy Starbucks Guatemala Casi Cielo® beans brewing. (Seriously...I am a night-owl and love to sleep in on mornings, especially 20 degree mornings and the smell of my coffee, that I set up and put on the timer the night before, gets me out of bed much more quickly.)

So God, Esther and I met over a couple cups of a very yummy cup of coffee this morning while it was still very dark outside. I was showered and had wiped down all three bathrooms (something else...I just have not been able to stand the condition of my home lately and wiping down the bathrooms every morning has really helped me feel that I have a bit of control when in reality...I have none) and was doing some laundry before heading to Weight Watchers to be (ahem) weighed in...and then the phone rang and I saw it was Brett's school.

No, please, I don't have time, I have my entire day planned out I have things to do...

It was Brett and he had "done something to my ankle in PE". I asked to speak to the nurse (admittedly hoping she would say he was fine and could go back to class) and she was useless. They just aren't able to do anything but hand out band aids and take temperatures and call home.

So, I headed to the school.

The boy was in his glory. He was in a wheelchair. He was being pushed around the school by the 7th grade administrator whom ALL the kids adore/fear (depending on if you are a good kid or not so good kid). He pushed him back through the gym where his class was so they could all hover around him. We ran into his core teachers walking down the hall and they all stopped and hovered over him.

It was right up his ally.

Long story short...we ended up at the emergency room. X-rays were negative. Severe sprain and some a few days on crutches and he should be fine. We (hobbled) into IHOP for some brunch. I have to confess that I didn't even look at any stinkin' healthy menu/low fat crap. I ordered the pancake combo...two eggs, sausage links, hash browns and two buttermilk cakes and I ATE EVERY STINKIN' BITE.

Clearly, I'm struggling with the entire WW thing.

So finally getting Brett home and settled (on the couch, pillow, comforter, cell, and remotes in hand) and I headed off to the office.

I'm still totally unfocused. Really just wanting to sit on the couch myself and veg. It's not like it was traumatic or anything.

What is wrong with me?

Memory Monday and it's actually Monday!

2009-01-12T07:45:00.007-05:00

It's Monday and I am already running late this week. Not a good way to start the week, but I had no sleep last night. I stayed in bed this morning and listened to the (two) darlings getting up, showering, talking to our animals (and hearing the animals talk back, lol), getting dressed, feeding themselves and animals. Up and down the stairs. Humming, singing, texting. Really, it is my favorite way to start the morning. They are so self-sufficient now. Sad, but also nice. So, I'm running behind because I didn't get up and get my quiet time in before the monkeys got up. They are both off to school now. I'm listening to some Travis on iTunes, filling out forms for My Girl to play in a low-key volleyball club this season, thinking about the week, missing my oldest child, missing my bff, Jill.

Since I couldn't even call to mind the scripture I was supposed to have memorized last week, I am keeping the same scripture this week to actually memorize this week.

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

It is funny...even though I didn't actually memorize this scripture last week, I guess I glanced at it enough for some of it to sink in. I felt much more patient and kind and humble last week and certainly feel that way this morning. I love that His word is never wasted. Even when I am distracted.

I cannot believe the Christmas Season has come and gone so quickly. The Boy has been home and gone. I don't even know his class schedule or if his books have been shipped to him yet. It was a crazy month! He has misplaced his iTouch. Our house is still upside down from painting (trim still not done) and Christmas. It will turn up, but meanwhile, I know he is missing it.

Esther begins tonight and I can't wait! I'm facilitating. But I don't really do anything. Bethie does it all. I plan to share with y'all some of my own insights from this study. I know that JillEllen is doing it too and we want to stay connected now that our 90 Days with the One and Only study is over. After Esther, we are going to do the 90 Days with a Heart Like His (David).

Okay, gotta get moving here. Quiet time, journalling, and another look at Esther is calling me!

Love you guys.

It's Tuesday so it must be time for Memory Monday!

2009-01-06T12:55:00.005-05:00

Oops. Totally forgot to post this yesterday.

I seriously clung to last week's memory verse:

Psalm 56:3,4

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God whose Word I praise. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

When I was so stressed out over the weekend, I said this over and over again. While walking yesterday and this morning, I said it over and over again. While shopping in the grocery store, I said it (aloud) over and over again. Warning: folks give you strange looks when you are repeating scripture over and over while in the produce department.

This week's started out as a long one. But I think I'm only supposed to memorize verse 12, so that is what I've been working on:

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

I do have verses 12-14 written in my index card spiral so we'll see how it all goes.

Love you bunches.

Signs and Wonders.

2009-01-06T10:40:00.006-05:00

Wow.

That's pretty much my description for the past few days.

It all started two weeks ago. Due to my age and certain fluctuations in hormones, I would say I probably have one good week a month. This has been true for awhile now. That one good week I'm usually pretty even-keel emotionally, spiritually and physically. The other three weeks...not so much. My emotions are all over the place; my mood swings totally unpredictable, even to me; I'm anxious and easily stressed. Physically I'm fatigued, achy, stiff, head achy, distracted, foggy and struggling with tummy issues. Spiritually...well I either question, rebel, cling, or did I mention question?

The last few days have been the worst. This morning, I just got down right angry about it. Ready to throw in the towel (not sure what that would involve, but you know what I mean). Thinking, "fine...so this pit isn't the nicest I've been in but with a little paint and a few window treatments...I could stay awhile".

Grumpy and complaining, I opened my journal and my devotional. Which happened to be Day 85 of Jesus, 90 Days with the One and Only. I have to say that I sorta got a little grin on my face when I realized what this day's reading and discussion would be about as I read the title...The Cost of the Cross.

"So," I thought. "You are bringing out the big guns. Going straight to the heart. Not messing around with me anymore."

I did not sacrifice my Son on the cross for you to be in this much pain

95% of the stuff you are experiencing you are bringing on yourself with your thought patterns and "just go for it" attitude about food and eating

When was the last time you felt well and healthy and focused? I'll tell you when...four years ago when you were down 35 pounds, eating well and exercising every day. You had none of these physical and emotional things going on

You need to trust me and believe in me. And then you will not be experiencing this anxiety and stress as you do

This too shall pass. Knowing you as I do, I will tell you that when you decide to believe me and trust me and step out, picking up your cross as you go, leaving your self and selfish attitudes and self-absorbed thoughts behind, you will see, by my power, that you will immediately be strengthened. Physically, emotionally and especially spiritually

Pick up your mat and walk, Susan. Now.

So this is not verbatim and you know that I did not (although I wish I would) hear the audible voice of God, but this is basically what I gleaned from Him and from His Word to me today.

So I picked up my mat and walked. It wasn't far and it was by no means as fast as I would like, but I did it. Second day in a row. And then I came in and picked up my weights. Still struggling with the shoulder issues, I'm still working with light weights cuz I haven't been working with any weights at all. Had a good upper body workout, too.

I felt better. I have to admit it. A lot better. But the real clincher was when I was getting dressed after showering. My left arm and shoulder which has been so tight and stiff (due to this frozen shoulder issue) that I've not been able to reach around to my back at all...suddenly today, after walking and working out, I could. In a huge way. And it was comfortable, not excruciating pain.

Seriously...the sign that He knew I needed...was this! Something as simple as being able to reach around my back. So, being me...(clinging to several That Girl tendencies) I decided to test the other arm. Same thing. While it had always been more flexible and not as painful, it was majorly improved.

To say I wept tears of joy and hope and praise and thankfulness would be an understatement. In fact, it set me back about 30 minutes trying to regain my composure.

What kind of God is He that He continues to love me, show me mercy and grace? I cannot begin to fathom. But I want to. I want to so badly.

The Book Shelf Extravaganza...

2009-01-02T16:05:00.007-05:00

I am feeling so much better now that I have this job done! There are still some books in the house that need to be gone through (kids' rooms) but we have done that within the last year so I'm pretty confident not much will change.

Here are a couple of before pics:

Please note the orange chair and the avocado green carpet without judgment. This is our "dungeon". Some day...it will be gutted and turned into a...downstairs. Still not sure what we are going to do with this area. Shawn's room is down here. The laundry room and workbench is down here. One thing I do know is that I want sliding glass doors in place of the door so that it brings some light in. Another day...oh, and the orange swivel chairs are the official PS2 playing chairs.

And some after pictures:

Let's all hear a collective sigh....

I should be painting. But I'm not.

2009-01-01T10:43:00.009-05:00

My husband has decreed the next four days...painting the kitchen days. And also touching up what needs to be touched up since we last painted (you know...two years ago) and painting things that never got painted when last we painted like the trim and all the doors in the hallway upstairs.

I'm not complaining...oh, Lory Be, no. If it were up to me we would be giving the entire main level and upstairs another coat of paint. But my husband Hates To Paint. Painting to him (and apparently in his household growing up) was a Do-only-when-you've-washed-the-walls-so-many-times-there-is-no-more-paint-left-on-them kind of job. In MY house growing up, Number 1: we weren't allowed to touch the walls (or anything else for that matter) so the walls never needed washing but that didn't stop my mom from making my father paint the house Every Single Year. It's funny how two children growing up in a home like that turn out so differently...I turned out to resent cleaning and all it stands for (authority, apparently) and my little sister turned out to be just like the authority I apparently resented: our mother.

But I'm getting the painting bug and I think once Mr. Smith pulls out all of the painting stuff I'm going to continue to push the envelope and paint a few other rooms. It may take me all Winter but I'm itching to get this stuff done. It's not so much me (I keep telling my beloved spousal unit) it's The Lord. He has really been speaking to me about getting our home in order and for it to be a lovely, comfy place free of clutter, stuff we don't love and hand prints and dog slurps on the wall. Invoking the power and name of Jesus in order to get my house painted...I just never really thought it would come to this but apparently it has. In all seriousness...God really HAS been talking to me about the clutter in my life. The physical as well as emotional and spiritual. I am on it! I am determined to obey even if it means making The Husband Who Hates to Paint paint!

(To give you an idea of how much he dislikes to paint when I told him six months ago that really, I couldn't stand it any longer and the kitchen has to be painted, he replied, "What? We just painted the kitchen!" We DID paint the kitchen. Once since we moved into this house 15 years ago. We painted it 14 years ago. See what I'm dealing with?)

I hear him, as I'm typing this upstairs in the office (another room that I am going to tackle soon) in the kitchen rustling around. He seems to forget that the stove is on; the cinnamon buns need to be cooked and we're having a huge dinner tonight. And yet he thinks he's going to paint. This will be one interesting day. I need to dash down and take BEFORE pics...hold on!

I was going to continue this posting with some things I want to do/plan to do in 2009. I think I'll hold off on that, though. I just heard the manly yawn, sigh, stretch and now footsteps heading to the kitchen. Gotta go!

Happy New Year! Love you guys!

Memory Monday and some Randomness I'm sure.

2008-12-29T19:21:00.004-05:00

I took a breather from the pressure of doing Memory Monday over the Christmas Season (I refuse to use the H word). And...I'm back. I'm also going to count this toward the Siestas' two-verses-a month memorization.

So, the other day...maybe yesterday, I am SO very scatter brained today and I mean VERY...I was talking to God about some stuff going on and He pointed out that my real problem was trusting Him. (When ISN'T that the root of my problem?) I asked Him to talk to me with His word and He led me straight to Psalm 56:3-4. Sometimes I feel kinda smug and rebellious with God...do you ever? So I read these two verses and nodded my head..."yep, I get it...I need to trust You."

Moving along.

And here is where I really love my God...He is so patient and loving with me...He jerked me right back to this scripture and I knew I was to read it over and over and then to MEMORIZE it and store it in my heart.

Here comes some of the randomness I was thinking about when I started thinking about writing this post...

When I think about what I have read in the Bible about folks following other gods...I really have to laugh...their gods had nothing on my God. Not only does He speak to me through His Word and through others and directly into my very heart when He knows I need to learn something, He pounds it into me. Sometimes...it is through suffering. Often times it is (thankfully) not.

He has really had me thinking about The Girls lately...My Girls...Jill, Velora, Jen and Lori. Lori doesn't have a blog or a facebook page.

Yet.

For the span of a few years, He brought the five of us together. We all thought it was pretty random at the time. We were so wrong. He so knew what He was doing.

When I think back to the period of time when we were meeting every Tuesday and often more than that, we all needed Him and He gave us each other. It really was the most incredible experience. Jill has since moved to Montana. We don't know why. But we do know that God has a plan for it. The remaining four or us do not meet regularly anymore but...and this I know...we (the five of us) can call on one another and instantly be covered in prayer. Or food. Or help. Or whatever it is we need. (Don't laugh...food was a big part of our time together...we're Baptist, after all). We each had/have a role in our Fivedom. Can I just say again that it was one of the coolest things God has ever done in my life? For the longest time, I fought against us "breaking up". It took Him pounding into me For.Ev.Er. that we weren't "broken up". We're just different know. I was so sad. And angry. And bitter. For a long time. And now...and now the sadness creeps in now and then, but oh...the memories. How they make me smile and laugh and cry and laugh. Especially the laughing. So...it is different now. We are different now. But I trust Him. This was and is all part of His plan.

And I am thankful.