Dwindling In Unbelief

Psalm 109ers: The new face of the Republican Party

2009-11-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

You've heard of the birthers, the teabaggers, the 9/12ers.

Now we have the Psalm 109ers.

It's the new face of the Republican Party. Praying for people to die, starting with Barack Obama.

The Republican Party is embracing the hatred in the Bible.

Sarah Palin is praying for me

2009-11-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

OK, not just for me, but for all of her "lonely, shallow" critics.

I wonder if she and her "prayer warriors" use Psalm 109 as a model for her prayer.

The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People

2009-11-19T21:20:00.000-08:00

OK, enough messing around. I've got to get back to God's killings in Judges.

What do you think about this one? Should it be included on God's list?

The story begins with the tribe of Dan (one of the 12 tribes of Israel) looking for a nice place to live. So they sent out five men to find some land.

On their way, they stopped at a Micah's house and asked his priest to ask God where they should go to find some land. The priest told them to just go looking for it, and that God would be with them wherever they went.

So they left there and came to a place called Laish, where the people lived peaceful, secure, carefree lives.

The five men ... came to Laish, and saw the people that were therein, how they dwelt careless, ... quiet and secure; and there was no magistrate in the land, that might put them to shame in any thing. Judges 18:7

Then the five men returned and told the other Danites to attack Laish, saying that God had given it into their hands.

When ye go, ye shall come unto a people secure, and to a large land: for God hath given it into your hands; a place where there is no want of any thing that is in the earth. Judges 18:10

So they round up 600 soldiers and march off toward Laish.

(On the way, they stop off at Micah's place, steal his idols and priest, and then proceed toward Laish.)

When they get to Laish, they kill all of the peaceful, unsuspecting people, burn their city, and take their land.

The children of Dan ... came unto Laish, unto a people that were at quiet and secure: and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt the city with fire. Judges 18:26-27

It was just another bible massacre. But was God responsible for it?

I think there's enough evidence to show that God approved of the massacre, but did he help the Danites do it or just sit back and enjoy the show?

A Prayer for Christian Terrorists: Let his days be few, his children fatherless, his wife a widow

2009-11-19T17:37:00.000-08:00

Have you seen this bumper sticker yet?

It looks pretty harmless doesn't it? Pray for Obama, with a reference to the Psalms. What could be more harmless than the Psalms?

Unless you've read the Psalms, that is.

Here is the verse that is referred to on the bumper sticker.

Let his days be few; and let another take his office. Psalm 109:8

Like almost everything else in the Bible, it's not too clear, is it?

When applied to Barack Obama, it could just be asking God to help Sarah Palin defeat him in 2012.

Or it could be praying for his death now, natural or otherwise.

But let's look at the context.

Here is the verse immediately after the verse on the bumper sticker.

Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. Psalm 109:9

Well, that clears it up, doesn't it? The prayer is either asking God to kill Obama, or asking God to inspire someone else to do it for him.

21 November 2009 Note: Cafe Press has banned all Psalm 109 merchandise.
(Don't you love it when the Bible is recognized as hate speech?)

Beauty Pageants, Breast Implants, and Sex Tapes (What the Bible says about Carrie Prejean)

2009-11-17T12:45:00.000-08:00

Here are some quotes from Carrie Prejean's interview with Christianity Today -- along with some stupid stuff I found in the Bible.

"I think you can be a Christian and compete in a pageant."
That could be. But, as usual, the Bible is far from clear about this.
On the one hand, there is Esther, who became queen by winning a raunchy beauty/sex contest (As Misty pointed out in the comments and I had completely forgotten). Here is her story.: King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. Esther 1:7-11; Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier). 1:12-19; So "all the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4; When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases him the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-17
On the other hand, here's some stuff from the New Testament that might be a problem for Christian beauty pageant contestants. I will that ... women adorn themselves in modest apparel ... not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:8-9 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3: (Well, at least she doesn't have braided hair!)
"I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants.": Carrie might be right about that. For example, here's a case where God brags about helping a woman enhance her "ornaments". Heck, he even personally fashioned her breasts for her! (God is a hair dresser and a breast enhancer. Who knew?)
I [God] have caused thee to ... come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown. Ezekiel 16:6; And here's a case where the Bible expresses concern for a woman's small breasts. (If breast implants were available at the time, the problem would have been solved.)
We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? Song of Solomon 8:8; And in this verse, her big sister brags about her big breasts.
My breasts like towers. Song of Solomon 8:10; So score this one for Carrie. God likes big breasts, natural or not.
"There is a video out there of me."
(According to RadarOnline.com, there are at least 8 of them, each showing her performing solo sex acts.): God might have a beef with Carrie on this one, depending on what kind of props she used in her videos.
"Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." Ezekiel 16:17

And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks. Jeremiah 3:9

They have seen her nakedness: yea, she sigheth, and turneth backward. Lamentations 1:8-9

So, on the whole, I think Carrie should be careful. God does some nasty stuff to women when he thinks they've misbehaved.

Here's just one example from Ezekiel.

The nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms .... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out ... and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:29-34

God's 53rd Killing: Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

2009-11-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

After Samson finished killing 1000 men with a jawbone of an ass, he had sex with a prostitute.

Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her. Judges 16:1

At midnight he left the prostitute and ripped out the doors and gate posts of the city and carried them to the top of a hill.

Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron. Judges 16:3

Then Samson saw and fell in love with Delilah.

Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah. Judges 16:4

Now Delilah was paid by the Philistines to find the magical source of Samson's strength and to figure out how he could be restrained. So she asked Samson three times about it, while some Philistines hid in another room.

The first time he said that he'd become as week as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she did that and then shouted, "Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!" But he broke the bowstrings as though they were burnt strings.

She asked again and he told her to use ropes. So she tied him with ropes and then shouted, "Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!" But he broke the ropes like they were threads.

She asked him a third time, and he told her to weave his seven braids into a cloth and fasten the whole mess to the wall. So she did that and then shouted, "Hey Samson (you dumb shit), the Philistines are coming!" But he broke out of that one, too.

But Delilah didn't give up. She kept pestering him until finally Samson told her the true source of his strength. It was his hair. If his hair was shaved off, he'd become as weak as any other man.

So when Samson fell asleep on her lap, she cut his hair. Then the Philistines captured Samson, gouged out his eyes, and put him in prison.

Later at one of their big parties, the Philistines brought Samson out to entertain them. Here's what happened.

Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God .. strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. Judges 16:27-30

This was the first suicide terrorist act. It resulted in the deaths of 3000 civilian men and women. God approved of it and gave Samson the strength to do it. And although the Bible doesn't say so, there are unconfirmed reports that Samson shouted "God is great" as the walls came tumbling down.

A Challenge to Christians

2009-11-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have always been amazed with how untroubled believers appear to be with God's killings in the Bible. It's good to know that I am not alone.

Here are ZJemptv's thoughts on the subject.

I had expected that everyone would easily recognize that ... all genocides were clearly wrong. But this was not the case. Instead, I was surprised to see that Christians were defending these genocides and claiming that they were justified. One of the reasons they offered was that the victims were so evil that they all deserved to be killed. Others said that the Israelites were in need of land, so God allowed them to conquer neighboring territories. And some even claim that anything God commands is morally right by definition and that we have no standing to question this or disobey his commands.
It was really quite startling that these excuses were so similar to the justifications used by the perpetrators of genocide. The victims were simply unworthy of life, or they needed to acquire more territory for themselves, or they were just following orders. Even more unnerving is how indifferent these people are to the realities of genocide. They apparently have no problem with killing defenseless children and treating even infants as too evil to live. It's like none of this seems real to them.
But perhaps the most disturbing aspect is that of all the Christians I've discussed this with, not one of them has been willing to condemn these genocides. Not a single one. They have all tried to defend this.
So, I'd like to issue a challenge to Christians. Can you acknowledge that genocide is wrong even if God commands it? Can you agree that genocide is never acceptable including the genocides of the Bible? Are you capable as a Christian of condemning genocide without equivocation?

And I'll add another challenge to ZJemptv's: If you refuse to condemn God's genocides in the Bible, then defend them. Right here on this blog. Just pick your favorite and tell us why you like it so darned much.

Maybe you think it was especially cool that God burned people to death for complaining. Or that he sent fiery serpents to bite and kill people (again for complaining -- this time about the lack of food and water). Just pick one and tell us why you love God so much for doing it.

You can have a guest post right here and become as famous as Brucker!

God's 52nd Killing: The Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

2009-11-09T12:10:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I described how Samson's brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by God so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson's life (Judges 14). Here's the next.

After Samson murdered the 30 Philistines, he went his wife's house to have sex with her. He even brought a young goat along to pay her for her services.

Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. Judges 15:1

But then her father had to tell him the bad news: he had given Samson's wife to one of his friends because he thought that he "hated" her.

And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion. Judges 15:2a

His father-in-law suggested that Samson just take his younger daughter. Heck, she's prettier anyway.

Is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. Judges 15:2b

But Samson had a better idea. An idea that only one of God's special heroes could come up with. He'd catch 300 foxes, tie their tails together, light them on fire, and set them loose in the Philistine's grain fields.

And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. Judges 15:4

When the Philistines found out about it, they burned to death Samson's wife and father-in-law.

Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire. Judges 15:2b

In response, Samson smote the Philistines "hip and thigh" with a great slaughter. (I'm not including this killing on God's list, since the story doesn't tell us that "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" or otherwise directly say that God was involved.)

And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease. And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter. Judges 15:7-8

Then Samson went to hang out "in the top of the rock Etam" for a while. While he was there, 3000 men of Judah came, tied him up and took him to the Philistines. When they delivered Samson "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15

Samson was thirsty after the killing, so God made water come out of the same jawbone so that Samson could get a drink.

And he was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and ... God clave an hollow place that was in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again. Judges 15:18-19

Does anyone really believe this stuff? Well, yes they do, unfortunately. Over two billion people believe (or pretend to believe) that this story actually happened exactly as it is recorded in Judges 15. Samson tied the tails of 300 foxes together and set them on fire and then he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

Of course most believers have never read the story and don't even know it exists, but they believe it anyway, completely and implicitly, because they believe that everything in the Bible is true.

It's easier to believe in stories like this if you don't know they exist.

God's 51st Killing: The Spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes

2009-11-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn't get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.

Take the story of Samson, for example.

It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he "delivered" them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn't get paid for them.)

Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites' new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in.

(This is the first time that the third step in God's famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can't find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but God couldn't hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.)

Now Samson's birth was a lot like Jesus'. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son. He even came again unto her when her husband wasn't around and got her pregnant.

So Samson's birth was a fucking miracle.

And the Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. Judges 13:24-25

The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this:

Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. Judges 14:1-3

Now Samson's folks were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy God gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn't know that this was all a part of God's plan.

But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. Judges 14:4

Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when "the Spirit of the LORD came mightily" on him. Now in the Bible, there's pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something. That's what happened here.

Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. Judges 14:5-6

When he arrived his Philistine girlfriend's place "she pleased Samson well" and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carcass...

...and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. Judges 14:8

Which, of course, was another miracle.

The spirit of God came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then God sent bees to make honey from the dead lion's body.

Of course, it's also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as shit Samson. (In which case the "honey" would have been pretty nasty stuff!)

Well whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn't tell them where it came from.

And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. Judges 14:9

Although the Bible doesn't actually say so, I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson's new-found Philistine friends.

At the party Samson told a riddle.

I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. Judges 14:12-13

Wasn't that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments.

Now the party goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson's new wife to tell them the answer or they'd burn her house down. She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party. So Samson didn't get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.

Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of ... well, I'm not sure what. Here's what he said:

If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. Judges 14:18

So the party animals plowed with Samson's heifer and they found out his riddle.

And then God gets involved again.

And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. Judges 14:19

So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson's new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. Judges 14:20

So everything worked out according to God's plan. Samson's brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle and the clothing bet -- It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Oh, did you get Samson's riddle? Me neither.

God's 50th Killing: The Ammonite massacre and Jephthah's daughter

2009-11-02T10:26:00.000-08:00

This is the fourth time the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See here, here, and here for the others), so you know by now what's going to happen.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.
God gets angry and sells them as slaves. (This time to the Ammonites.)
The Israelites cry out to God.
God slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to.

A few details change each time the story is told. The number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the massacre change each time the story is told. This time God chooses Jephthah.

As usual, everything starts to go to hell when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah ... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. Judges 11:29-31

Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if God will help him massacre the Ammonites. God not only approved of Jephthah's vow, he inspired it.

And, of course, God comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah "a very great slaughter."

So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. Judges 11:29-39

God delivered 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter." And then Jephthah came home.

And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances ... And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth. Judges 11:34-36

Jephthah promised to kill whatever greeted him, by God, so that's what he did. A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

And ... her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. Judges 11:39

God inspired Jephthah to make the vow, so he expected him to abide by it. And God was so pleased when Jephthah killed his daughter for him that he decided to kill his own son for you.

But I'll save that story for later.

Note: I originally only gave God credit for 1000 in this killing, but I increased it to 20,001 to account for the 20 massacred cities and Jephthah's daughter.

Biblical Halloween Costumes: It's time to take it back from the pagans!

2009-10-31T10:04:00.000-07:00

I know it's a little late, but you still have a few hours to get dressed up for Halloween. So here are some costume ideas from the Bible.

It's time to take Halloween back from the pagans!

God's Clever Talking Serpent
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said ....Genesis 3:1-5
Lot and his daughters
Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him ... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-38

This is pretty simple. And old guy, two young women, and a jug of wine (Clothing optional).
An abominable, four-legged, flying creeping thing.
But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:23
Fiery Serpent
And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:6
Talking Donkey
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam .... Numbers 22:28-30
An Evil Spirit from the Lord. (Judges 9:23; 1 Samuel 16:14-16, 16:23, 18:10, 19:9)
The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied. 18:10

All evil spirits come from God, but I don't know what they look like. Maybe something like this.
Jael
And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. ... And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. ... Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground. Judges 4:1821

Costume: Woman with hammer, tent stake, blanket, and cup of milk.
Samson with the jawbone of an ass
(Just try to keep the spirit of the Lord from coming upon you!)
The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon Samson and he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith. Judges 15:14-15
Jesus
Forget all the stuff you've seen on TV. Jesus doesn't look like that anymore. To see what he looks like now you need to go to the Book of Revelation.
...the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, ... And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:13-16

Costume: Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth.

And here's what he will look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world.
Behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations. Revelation 19:11-15

Costume: a bunch of crowns on your head, sword sticking out of your mouth, clothing dipped in blood

There is one other possible Jesus costume, but it may be illegal in some places. You see Jesus had a special tattoo on his thigh (which is a biblical euphemism for testicles): "King of Kings" one on side and "Lord of Lord" on the other.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:15

Costume: Tattooed thigh or scrotum
Anything from the Book of Revelation
(Just pick a verse pretty much anywhere, but the Whore of Babylon is always fun!)

The Conservative Bible Project needs your help!

2009-10-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

Poor Andy is having a rough time re-writing the Bible. Most of the really cool changes have been undone, and hardly anyone is contributing anymore.

And they are missing thousands of opportunities to fix stuff for God.

Take Genesis 19:8 for example. Here is how the Conservative Bible "translates" it.

Look, I have two virgin daughters, and I'll give them to you and you can do whatever you want to them if you just promise me you'll leave these men alone. They're my guests and I'm honor-bound to protect them. Genesis 19:8

And here is 2 Peter 2:4-8.

God ... delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked: (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with [their] unlawful deeds;) 2 Peter 2:4-8

As you can see, the second passage hasn't been translated yet. And that's where you can help.

Liberals and atheists love these verses because they show God to be a total jerk. Lot offered his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, yet he is "just" and "righteous" to God. Someone needs to fix that.

There are several ways this could be done. Genesis 19:8 could be changed to say something that a decent father might say. Something like this:

Look, I have two virgin angels and I'll give them to you and you can do whatever you want to them if you will leave my family alone. For I love my family and I'm honor-bound to protect them. (The angels can probably take care of themselves.) Genesis 19:8

Now that would be just and righteous!

Or you could just remove the "just" and "righteous" stuff about Lot in 2 Peter 2:7-8 like Andy did with "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" and "Whoever is without sin cast the first stone."

Either of these (or both) would be a pretty good fix, but I'm sure you can think of others. When something is this fucked up, anything is an improvement.

Of course we would still have to deal with the rest of the (so far untranslated) story in Genesis 19.

As you may know, Andy has removed wine from the Bible. So this is how the story will have to read in the Conservative Bible.

And Lot went to a cave with his two daughters. And his older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old and there is no other man around. Let's give him some grape juice and fuck him." So they did that. Lot fucked his older daughter on the first night, and the younger one on the next. Thus were both the daughters of Lot impregnated by their father. Genesis 19:30-36

So now Lot won't even have the excuse of being drunk! How just and righteous is that?

Of course this is just one of the thousands of problems that need fixing at the CBP. So get over there, sign up, and help them out!

One note of caution, though. The CBP is a lot like the Boy Scouts: not just any kid can join. You'll need to sound sufficiently conservative (and batshit crazy) to win Andy's blessing. So watch a bit of Fox News before you go so you'll know how to talk when you get there. And then go to work. Andy needs your help!

19 November 2009 note: Andy and friends have finished the rest of Genesis 19. Here's how they deal with Lot and his daughters.

So they decided that the "just and righteous" Lot (2 Peter 2:7-8) got drunk (with wine, not grape juice) and was "intimate" with his daughters.

Now, that's messed up. Someone ought to go fix it!

20 November 2009: Now they're stuck on Exodus 4:24: "And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him [Moses], and sought to kill him."

Here is the translator's plea for help: "I'm having a bit of trouble with Exodus, specifically, the end of chapter 4 - I've read a few different translations of this part and I'm still not quite sure I grasp what's going on."

Yeah, that's a tough one. Why would a conservative guy like God try to kill Moses?

God's 49th Killing: A city is massacred and1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit

2009-10-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

After Gideon died, it was time for his sons to take over. And he had lots of them.

Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. And his concubine that was in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called Abimelech. Judges 8:30-31

Which was a problem since only one son could succeed him. Luckily, Abimelech came up with a creative solution. He killed all of his 70 brothers on one stone.

Abimelech ... went unto his father's house at Ophrah, and slew his brethren the sons of Jerubbaal, being threescore and ten persons, upon one stone. Judges 9:4-5

Well, all except one, anyway. Jotham, Gideon's youngest son, got away.

So the two remaining sons, Abimelech and Jotham, schemed against each other for control of Israel, with Abimelech winning out, becoming Israel's first king.

Then God decided to get involved by sending an evil spirit.

God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech: That the cruelty done to the threescore and ten sons of Jerubbaal might come, and their blood be laid upon Abimelech their brother, which slew them; and upon the men of Shechem, which aided him in the killing of his brethren. Judges 9:23-24

(Now you might think it strange that an evil spirit would be sent by God. But if so, you haven't been reading your Bible enough. The Bible is clear about evil spirits: they are either sent directly by God or their origin is unknown. The Bible never attributes evil spirits to Satan.)

Things get complicated after God's evil spirit arrives. But the short story is that Shechem revolts against Abimelech and Abimelech massacres everyone in Shechem, except for 1000 that escape to a tower.(See the Brick Testament story for the details.)

When Abimelech found about about the people in the tower, he set it on fire. While the tower was burning, a woman dropped a millstone and it landed on Abimelech's head, crushing his skull. Abimelech saw that it was a woman, so he told a soldier to kill him since he didn't want it said that he was killed by a woman. (In the Bible, there's nothing worse that being killed by a woman.)

So with the help of God's evil spirit, everything worked out according to God's plan.

Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren: And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham. Judges 9:56-57

Note: I missed this one up to now, so I'm going to have to revise the list. I estimated a total of 2001: 1000 in the burning tower, 1000 in the Shechem massacre, and Abimelech (who wasn't killed by a woman). I know the 2001 value is silly and arbitrary in its precision, but any attempt to put a number on God's killings will run into the same problem.

Collision: Are Douglas Wilson's beliefs good for the world?

2009-10-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago I mentioned the online debate between Douglas Wilson and Christopher Hitchens. Since then, they've been traveling around debating each other all across the country. And now now they're making a movie about it.

The movie is named Collision and it's set for release today, October 27.

In the online debate, Wilson evaded the topic (which was supposed to be "Is Christianity good for the world?") while forcing Hitchens to explain how an atheist determines what is good. So Hitchens was kept off balance trying to defend his own ethical system, rather than reveal the harm caused by the Bible and Christian belief. I expect Wilson to do the same in the movie version, which is why I am reposting his views here. It's only necessary to list Douglas Wilson's beliefs; once that is done, anyone with any morals will immediately conclude that such views are not good for the world.

Note: Since his views about slavery were made public several years ago in his (and my) hometown of Moscow, Idaho, Wilson has been quiet about his beliefs. I am not aware of any recent statements from him regarding the beliefs that are outlined below. All of the quoted articles are no longer available at the Credenda website. I was, however, able to restore the broken links through the marvel of the wayback machine.

Here is a list of the views of Douglas Wilson and his followers. (As found, but since removed, from the the Credenda Agenda website):

On Slavery

Wilson co-authored a pamphlet on slavery with the title, Southern Slavery as it was. (You can read it here.) Its purpose was to defend slavery as it existed in the pre-Civil War South and to defend the Biblical institution of slavery. When news of the booklet hit Moscow, Idaho in 2003, all hell broke loose. Wilson has since tried to hide his views on slavery through equivocation and denial.

Wilson brags in the article below that he has "said (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner." He doesn't say that out loud anymore.

[N]othing is clearer – the New Testament opposes anything like the abolitionism of our country prior to the War Between the States. The New Testament contains many instructions for Christian slave owners, and requires a respectful submissive demeanor for Christian slaves. See, for example, Eph. 6:5-9, Col. 3:22-4:1, and 1 Tim. 6:1-5.
. . .
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented here is that we have said (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. But this 'inflammatory' position is the very point upon which the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. In other words, more people will struggle with what we are saying at the point where the Bible speaks most clearly. There is no exegetical vagueness here. Not only is the Bible not politically correct, it was not politically correct one hundred thirty years ago.
. . .
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, and acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe? (1)

On the Law, Homosexuality, and the Sin of Pity

The entire legal system would depend on one book: the Bible.

Let's pretend, just for a moment, that we could have it our way. The great revival we have been praying for has occurred, and every executive, legislator, and bureaucrat in the capital has just been saved. Knowing they ought to begin applying Scripture in their jobs, but not knowing how to go about it, they come to you and your church for advice. What will you tell them? How should they apply God's law?
Looking at the Bible with an eye toward applying it in the civil realm, several things become apparent. First, it is pretty small. … [O]n the average, a little over 1,000 pages. Think of the money governments will save on printing and shelf space!
If biblical law is to be biblically applied, then the biblical punishment must be used.
. . .
Of course, there would be laws enforced against certain crimes which are currently ignored, such as homosexuality. (2)

The list of crimes punishable by death would be a long one, and would include witchcraft, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one's parents. Most people today would consider this cruel, but that's because they are guilty of the sin of pity. We should kill our family and friends, without pity, by stoning them to death if they believe in the wrong God. And we should cut off a woman's hand if she touches a man's private parts while defending her husband in a fight. And our eye must not pity her.

The civil magistrate is the minister of God to execute wrath on the wrongdoer (Rom. 13:4). God has not left his civil minister without guidance on how to exercise his office. The Scriptures set forth clear standards of judgment for many offenses. Capital crimes, for example, include premeditated killing (murder), kidnapping, sorcery, bestiality, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one's parents (Ex. 21:14; 21:16; 22:18; 22:19; Lev. 20:10; 20:13; Ex. 21:17).
In contemporary American jurisprudence, none of these offenses is punishable by death, with the occasional exception of murder. The magistrates have dispensed with God's standards of justice. Some Christians believe this is an improvement. They would be horrified to think that the "harsh" penalties of the law should still be applied. Sometimes this is the result of the mistaken belief that the Old Testament has no further application after the advent of Christ. This is an exegetical problem. Too often, it is the result of a sinful view of the criminal. This sin is called pity. … Why is pity a sin?
First, pity is not always a sin. But neither is it always good. … God included in the law specific prohibitions against the exercise of pity in meting out punishment.
If your brother, the son of your mother, your son or your daughter, the wife of your bosom, or your friend who is as your own soul, secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and serve other gods,". . . you shall not consent to him or listen to him, nor shall your eye pity him, nor shall you spare him or conceal him; but you shall surely kill him . . . (Deut. 13:6-9).
If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out the hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her. (Deut. 25:11, 12).

God commands the judge to evaluate the crime rather than the criminal. If the crime is one for which God requires death, then death must be the punishment. Your eye shall not pity. … Thus, the Bible teaches that pity is not an option where God has decided the matter. The magistrate, God's minister, is to faithfully execute justice according to God's standard, not man's. (3)

On Crime and Punishment

The magistrate is God's minister of wrath against those who do evil. There would be only three punishments: death, lashing, and restitution. There would be no jails, prisons, or hospitals for the mentally ill.

Responsibility for the civil order is placed in the hands of magistrates, who act as God's ministers of wrath against those who do evil (Rom. 13:1-7).
God's law sets forth three basic punishments for crime: death, lashing (essentially, a government-sponsored spanking), and restitution. There is a conspicuous absence of county jails, state penitentiaries, reform schools, and hospitals for the criminally insane. The goal of the sentence is to execute God's wrath. . . . (4)

On Elected Officials

We are all currently ruled by God-hating tyrants. Only male Christians (belonging to Doug Wilson's church) should be allowed to hold public office.

If we have God-hating tyrants ruling over us (and we do), then we must recognize that they rule by our invitation.
First, our rulers are to be able men. ... The responsibility of civil, ecclesiastical and family leadership is given to men. … [I]t is an embarrassment and a reproach to the men to have women ruling a nation (Is. 3:12).
The men we choose are to fear God. The unregenerate do not fear God by definition (Rom. 3:18).
We are to choose men of truth. … A man who honestly believes erroneous doctrine may be sincere, but he is also deceived.
From this list of qualifications, it is apparent that, biblically, it is only professing Christians who are qualified to hold public office. (5)

On Disobedient Children

You can't just kill your son for being disobedient. You have to bring a son that is "worthy of death" before the elders of the church (Doug Wilson's church) and have them kill him for for you.

[A] father may (and must) discipline his son, but he may not exercise capital punishment against him on his own authority. Instead, he must bring a son worthy of death to the elders of the city, who are charged with applying the civil penalty (Prov. 13:24; Deut. 21:18-21). (6)

On Church and State

If the judge can't figure out what the proper biblical punishment should be for a crime, then the judge must take the case to the church (Doug Wilson's church). The church (Doug Wilson) will then decide what the Bible says the punishment must be and the judge "wields the sword." The ultimate authority for every matter is the church (you know who's church). Everyone must be a member of and submit to Doug Wilson's church.

God has established the magistrate for the purpose of executing His wrath, but He has not made the civil ruler the exclusive authority on the question of when wrath is appropriate. If a matter is too hard for the judges to determine with the knowledge at hand, then they are commanded to take the question to the church for clarification. The church decides, based on God's Word, what judgment should be carried out, and the judges are obliged to pronounce sentence accordingly.
The state wields the sword, and must wield it in submission to God's law. But if the law is not clear on a particular point, and the state has a question about what God's law requires, it is powerless to interpret Scripture on its own authority. Instead, the state must take the question to the church, which has been charged with protecting, interpreting, and teaching the law of God. The leaders of the church are instructed to make a judgment as to what the law requires, but the church does not thereby take up the sword. Rather, the judgment is passed back to the state, and the magistrates then wield the sword in a manner consistent with the judgment of the church.
[I]t is not enough that the civil government give Christianity a place at the table, even if it is the most honored place. … Nor is it sufficient that the magistrate render "personal submission to the spiritual government" of the church. While our rulers should be members of Christ’s covenant household … a Christian who is also an executive, legislator, or judge owes a duty of submission different than that of the ordinary layman.

On Non-Christians

All citizens would be required to to take oaths of allegiance to the Lord as a prerequisite of citizenship. "Reforming the State ... is about forcing people to outwardly conform to a Christian standard and about protecting the Christian religion." We should have the courage to punish heretics, apostates, blasphemers, swearers, sabbath-breakers properly. (They should all be killed.)

[T]he political leader is the head of the civil covenant. If that head acknowledges that his authority comes from God (as he should), is it enough that he honors God personally? … Or can he also require, for example, oaths of allegiance to the Lord as a prerequisite of citizenship? (Before you balk, keep in mind that we don't have any problem saying pledges of allegiance to mere flags or the nations for which they stand.)
Again, we have no problem making school children dutifully recite the pledge of allegiance, or requiring new citizens to swear oaths of loyalty to the U.S. government. Why can't they also be required to acknowledge the sovereignty of the one true God, and to "zealously renounce all heathen practices?" … Someone who is required to renounce Buddhism as a condition of citizenship is no longer trapped by a spiritual snare, and can't be a snare to anyone else. That is a blessing. Reforming the State is not about forcing people to be Christians. But it is about forcing people to outwardly conform to a Christian standard and about protecting the Christian religion. Historically, the civil magistrate has enforced laws against blasphemy, apostasy, heresy, swearing, and working on the Sabbath. The difficulty is not in defining or punishing these crimes; the difficulty is finding the strength and wisdom to do so.

On Environmentalists

All environmentalists are anti-Christian and all true Christians are anti-environment.

An environmentalist who seeks to "manage" the environment by letting it run wild is disobeying God's command to fill, subdue, and exercise dominion over the earth.
The consequences of environmentalist philosophy are disobedience to God in the short run…. Droughts and famines do not come upon a people who are obedient, but they are promised to those who disobey. An earth left to itself will only yield thorns, thistles, disease, and decay. If Christians are to be obedient to God's dominion mandate, they must oppose the rebellion inherent in environmentalist government policy. (11)

On Pluralism

There wouldn't be any. Everyone would be forced to belong to the One True Church (Doug Wilson's Church).

[T]he Christian magistrate acknowledges there is such a thing as a true church, and that he has a responsibility to nurture that church so that it thrives and to protect it against those things that threaten to do it harm. Obviously, this excludes the idea of pluralism. (12)

Sources: (All of the quotes are taken from the Credenda Agenda, which is the official publication of the church founded by Douglas Wilson.)

1. Douglas Wilson, Thema: So Why Are We Writing About This?, Volume 4, Issue 6

2. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Know where to draw the line, Volume 3, Issue 11

3. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Your Eye Shall Not Pity, Volume 3, Issue 9

4. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Crime and Punishment, Volume 4, Issue 7

5. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Elected Officials, Volume 5, Issue 3

6. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Disobedient Children, Volume 5, Issue 4

7. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: The Church as Advisor, Volume 5, Issue 4

8. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Nursing Fathers Pt. 2, Volume 13, Issue 2

9. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Leading in Righteousness, Volume 9, Issue 4

10. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Nursing Fathers, Volume 12, Issue 3

11. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Environmentalists, Volume 3, Issue 5

12. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Pluralism, Volume 13, Issue 2

God's 48th Killing: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow

2009-10-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Here's a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the Bible after.

It starts out in the usual way: The Israelites "do evil in the sight of the Lord," so God sells them into slavery. Then "the children of Israel cried unto the LORD" and God kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites, this time around)

Here's the long version.

An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree and he saw Gideon threshing some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.

And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. Judges 6:12

And then God joined in.

And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. Judges 6:14-16

(As always, the best way to picture this is to read the Brick Testament story.)

So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and God, but he doesn't believe either of them. He demands a sign.

But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.

Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Judges 6:19-21

Yep. The angel touched the bloody, dead goat and it burst into flames.

But it still didn't convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that God wasn't lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.

And Gideon said unto God ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-37

And God passed that test, no sweat.

And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. Judges 6:38

Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He's still not sure he can trust God, so he asks God to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.

And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. Judges 6:39

And God did that trick, too!

So God passed all of Gideon's tests and Gideon and God got down to business. But first, they had to select some accomplices.

I'm not sure how this happened, but it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they'd be ready when they cry out to God and he decides to kill those guys that he sold them to.

Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for God's liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with that big of an army, nobody would believe that it was God that was doing the killing. And God wants all the credit for his killings.

The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. Judges 7:2

So God tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.

Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. Judges 7:3

That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.

God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water "as a dog lappeth" are the natural-born killers that he's looking for, while those that got down on their knees to use a cup or their hands are fucking wusses that should be sent home.

So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. Judges 7:5-7

You see, God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like grasshoppers. Like the sands of the seashore. Like that.
(Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses, and yet here, 200 years later, they flourish like grasshoppers "without number.")

And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude. Judges 7:12

Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midiantes with 300 water lappers?

No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.

And ... behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon the son of Joash, a man of Israel: for into his hand hath God delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. Judges 7:13-15

But enough with the dreams. It's time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it, and tells them:

When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:18

And that's what they did.

And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:20

Great idea, eh? But it didn't really do anything. It was God that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Amalekites to kill each other.

The LORD set every man's sword against his fellow. Judges 7:22

The story gets a bit confusing after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon. The princes of Succoth question Gideon's leadership and he promises to come back and torture them later. (Which he did and then killed all the men in their city.) And Gideon tells his son to kill two kings, but ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-shit, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.

But finally we are told that 120,000 were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.

There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. Judges 8:10

Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.

They're fucking crazy.

God's 47th Killing: Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's head

2009-10-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

According to the Bible, who is blessed among women?
(Hint for Catholics: It's not who you think it is.)

It's Jael. You know, Heber's wife.

And why is she more blessed than any other woman that has ever lived?
Because she drove a tent stake through a sleeping man's head.

Here's the story.

In God's last killing, God threw the Canaanite army into confusion, causing them all to be killed. (It's not clear how God did this, but he probably forced the Canaanites to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.)

But Sisera, the captain of the Canaanite army, somehow managed to escape. And that night he passed by Heber's tent (Heber was an ally of the Canaanites), which is where Jael enters the story.

Jael was Heber's wife and she came out to greet Sisera, inviting him to stay the night in their tent. She prepared a bed for him, gave him a glass of water, and tucked him in for the night.

Then, after he was asleep, she drove a tent stake through his temples.

Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. Judges 4:21

OK, so what, you say. Why blame this killing on God?

Because God blamed it on himself. Deborah, who was a prophetess, said the killing would take place, and that God would take an active part.

The LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. Judges 4:9

After the killing Deborah even wrote a little song about Jael and her blessed hammer.

Bang! bang! Jael's blessed hammer
Came down upon his head.
Bang! Bang! Jael's blessed hammer
Made sure that he was dead.

(Oh, no. That was another song. Sorry.)

Here's Deborah's version.

Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be, blessed shall she be above women ...
He asked water, and she gave him milk; she brought forth butter in a lordly dish. She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workmen's hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. Judges 5:24-26

So there you have it. Jael is the most blessed of all women. I think there's even a well-known prayer about it. It goes like this:

Hail Jael, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....

You've probably heard it before. Now you know where it came from.

God's 46th Killing: Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

2009-10-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is just another variation of the same stupid story. If you've been following along, you can predict what's going to happen.

The Israelites "did evil in the sight of the LORD." (Judges 4:1)
So "the LORD sold them" into slavery. (4:2)
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD." (4:3)
God slaughtered the people that he sold the Israelites to. (4:15-16)

This story is more interesting that most, though, because one of the characters is named Barak. (Although Barack Obama's first name is not derived from this biblical character, believers sometimes like to pretend otherwise.)

After Ehud dies, a woman becomes the leader of the Israelites. Her name is Deborah and she is called a prophetess and judge. She sat under a palm tree and everyone "came up to her for judgment."

One day she summoned Barak and told him to take 10,000 soldiers and fight Sisera (the captain of king Jabin's army). Barak, who was a bit of a chicken shit, said, "If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go."

Deborah said she'd go with him and they'd defeat Jabin's army (even though he had 900 iron chariots), but that God would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman. (Which will be covered in God's next killing.)

So Deborah and Barak go off to fight in God's holy war. Guess what happens.

The LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. Judges 4:15-16

But Sisera somehow got away. Don't worry, though. God will take care of him in his next killing.

The Divine Guide is guiding the Conservative Bible Project

2009-10-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here's a hot news item from Conservapedia.

Conservapedia was live on WNOX, "Knoxville's Big Talker," Tuesday morning at 7:05am ET for nearly an hour. The phone lines lit up during the show. One caller's statement: "People were guided by the Holy Spirit when they wrote the Bible." Answer: "People are guided by the Holy Spirit now too."

Yes, that's right, folks. The Holy Spirit is guiding Andy Schlafly and his friends as they remove the liberal bias from the Bible.

But I thought Andy renamed the Holy Spirit to Divine Guide! Which I guess would mean that the Divine Guide guided Andy to change its (his?) own name. (I wonder if Andy baptized him in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Divine Guide after renaming him.)

Still, Old What's-His-Name goes by two names at the Conservative Bible. In Mark his name is always "Divine Guide", but in John it's "Holy Spirit". I guess the Divine Guide hasn't quite made his mind up yet.

Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Does God deserve some of the credit?

2009-10-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

OK, I need some help with this one.

The entire story takes place in just one verse.

And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3:31

So according to the story, Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. "And he also delivered Israel."

The storyteller obviously viewed this mass killing to be a glorious, noble, and wonderful thing. To him it is every bit as cool as Ehud's message from God. But did Shamgar act alone or was he helped by God?

God approved of the killing. But did he inspire it? Did he intervene to help Shamgar single-handedly kill 600 Philistine solders with a pointed stick?

I didn't include this in God's killings because it isn't clear that God was directly involved. But I could be persuaded otherwise.

What do you think? Should God get credit for this killing too?

The Conservative Bible: Putting fresh grape juice into old bottles

2009-10-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

The Conservative Bible Project (CBP) is done with the Gospel of Mark. And I think they've done a fabulous job!

Take that pesky verse about wine and wineskins, for example. Here's how it reads in the CBP:

"And no man puts fresh grape juice into old bottles. The fresh juice will burst the bottles, spilling the juice and damaging the bottles. Fresh juice must be put into new bottles." Mark 2:22

Jesus was talking about grape juice here, not wine, as the note for this verse explains.

The Greek word οινος, translated "wine," actually meant "fruit of the vine" and was not fermented, as it commonly is today. Repeated references in the Book of Proverbs tell their readers specifically to avoid fermented grape juice. Furthermore, at least five methods of preservation were known to the ancients, methods that avoided fermentation, long before Louis Pasteur would invent his pressure-cooking method.

So drinking wine is wrong and Jesus sure as hell never drank any.

But if that's true, why does the CBP say that Jesus changed water into wine at the wedding at Cana? Shouldn't that be grape juice, instead?

Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the pots with water." And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, "Carry them out now to the host of this feast." And so they did. When the host of the wedding feast tasted the water, it had been made into wine, and he did not know where the wine had come from (though the servants knew), and so the host of the wedding feast called the groom, And said to him, "Usually, a man, at the beginning of a feast, sets out his good wine, and when all have drank their fill, then the poorer quality wine. But you have kept your good wine for last!" John 2:7-10

So I guess Jesus messed up here. Oh well, nobody's perfect.

God's 45th Killing: God delivers 10,000 Moabites

2009-10-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

After Ehud delivered God's message to Ehud (a knife blade in the belly), he blew a trumpet to summon all the Israelites. Then he told the people:

Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. Judges 3:28

So they followed Ehud and God helped them kill 10,000 Moabites.

And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. Judges 3:29

(Kind of boring, I know. But sometimes God runs out of imaginative ways of killing people.)

God's 44th Killing: Ehud delivers a message from God

2009-10-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Remember how in his last killing, God was so angry at the Israelites for worshiping other gods that he sold them as slaves to King Cushy?

Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times have changed.

And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. Judges 3:12-15

Then the Israelites cried out to God again ("Yahweh!, Yahweh!") and he raised up another hero for them. This time it was a left-handed guy named Ehud. God sent him to deliver a present to Eglon.

The LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. Judges 3:15

Here's the message from God.

Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. Judges 3:16-22

Funny story, eh? I guess that's why believer's love it so much!

The message from God was a knife blade to a fat man's belly pushed in so far that "the dirt (feces) came out." Nice.

Stephen Colbert is in the Conservative Bible!

2009-10-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

(Well, he was, anyway, for about 14 hours.)

Not much is happening anymore at the Conservative Bible Project besides vandalism, banning accounts, and reverting back to the original language of the KJV.

He's back. And this time he's got Jon Stewart with him!

Andy caught this one in only 12 minutes. Way to go, Andy!

Shoot! Now Harry Potter is in there.

And the Dude with the diapers.

Donald Duck.

Andy fixed these 3 in only 9 minutes!

God's 43rd Killing: The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim

2009-10-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Darn, I missed another one!

It's not easy keeping track of God's killings, especially in Judges. But I guess someone's got to do it.

Anyway, I forgot about Chushanrishathaim. How could I forget a name like that?

Here's the story.

God was angry at the Israelites for ignoring him in favor of Baal and Asheroth ("the groves" in the KJV). So he did what any good god would do and sold the Israelites into slavery. Chushanrishathaim was the happy buyer. (Be sure to read the story in the Brick Testament!)

And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves. Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia. Judges 3:7-8

The Israelites were Chushanrishathaim's slaves for eight years. But then the Israelites cried out together in unison to the Lord and he "raised up" Othiniel, who was Caleb's nephew and the first "judge" of Israel.

And the children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years. And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother.Judges 3:8-9

And then "the spirit of the Lord came upon Othiniel ... and he went out to war."
(Othiniel is the first person in the Bible that "the spirit of the Lord came upon." See here for what happened to the other God-possessed people.)

Who did Othiniel go to war with? Chushanrishathaim -- the guy that God sold the Israelites to.

And the LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim. Judges 3:10

So I have another killing to add to God's list, along with another 1000 or so victims.

Biblical Baseball

2009-10-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

Before getting back to God's killings, I thought I'd throw in something fun.
via The BEattitude