inside stephen

the only thing i wish.

2009-09-14T22:17:00.010-05:00

i will never wish upon whoever stumbles across these words to have to feel it the way i feel it. i believe that my writing has found its end. i look back at the last 4 years and throughout my words i think it is easiest to find the one thread that i hoped to keep everything together: love. i dont know if you respect me or if you laugh at my words but i do know i have been honest to myself with each typed word and that's all that really matters in my heart. ive tried my best and i have everything i could need except the one thing i've always wanted the most. i don't know what that means for me but i do know that i cannot continue writing in the hopes that i will become something more than what i am right now. the fact is that i've worked hard on myself these last 4 years for the singular purpose of becoming something i could be proud of but the quiet truth is that i hoped that i would find someone else along the way that might be equally as proud. instead, i feel as though my words have found a way to sabotage me and my brutal honesty in my poems and in my free-thinking-blogging has left me alone. i have two college degrees and success in my career... too many friends to count that love me and are there for me and a family that loves me deeply and yet i have no one to see the me inside and love me without hurting me deeply. i don't know where this leaves me but this last round has left me breathless. anxiety attacks. missing work. not eating for so many days in a row i didn't even know it was possible. it leaves me crying in front of every single family member and friend i have ever known. i don't want their sympathy nor do i want much of anything except what i thought was finally coming my way... someone that loved me enough to see all of me and give me the world through a calm touch, a soft smile, a laugh, naked in bed. but i am the fool of fools. i have fallen into 4 boys now. opened up to 4 boys now and i can't help but feel like a slut. i am the 28 year old used up version of something my 20 year old self would gasp at. i have done things in this last month that i am not proud of but still find myself continuing simply to numb out the pain. he is gone. he no longer needs my time, my love, or anything in between. i am a foreign memory of something i'm not even sure. i used to believe in taking the high road in life and digging deeper but after it all, i can't even think of what i should have done. i thought i was honest. i thought i played it safe. i thought i was cautious.

and my sweet beautiful soft faithful loving puppy is gone. in a box in the ground surrounded by red rose petals and no matter how much i try to pretend that they are still soft i know that they have started to curl up and harden around him. he went from being amazing.. to dying in my arms in a few days and my loss is severe. my loss is mind-numbing. my loss is over-whelming. i thought i knew enough after my experiences and growth to be able to survive this but i do give up. levi, you win. your death consumed me. i had you since i was 12 and you were the only thing that was consistent for me... and geoff, you win. even though i know you don't even think about it... you win. you can have my heart and my soul and my smiles and my determination to be better than all those boys out there that fuck strangers and are liars and leave you high and dry because i am no longer better than that. 4 out of 7 days a week, i have intense dreams that you are in my bed and that levi is rolling around on the floor and then i wake up and fall into a million pieces. how the gods of dreams are fucking with my head. i think about you so much i would do anything to be away from it and i await the day that you don't consume my thoughts with the fun we had, the sex i thought you only wanted from me, the kisses, the laughter, the times you went farther than any boy ever had and did little things for me day to day.

my 4 months of loss and my 40 days of mind numbing pain have taken me somewhere not safe. i am packing up my apartment and moving because i see you both here. the only boy i ever let in my bed and the dog that made this my home. its been 15 days and i have yet to move his things. they are in the exact same place. and of course its strange to me how much i feel it. why i can't let it go... but i think people are special and i think its hard to find deep connections and i thought i believed in real true devoted love. but now i feel ashamed to be around my friends. i feel ashamed that i'm not able to be more evenly keeled and capable of happiness. i can't keep track of the men fucking you each week. one here and two there. i stop counting... it's just too much way too soon.

its all just ramblings now. it doesn't even connect the way it used to. my writing used to be intense enough that it even inspired me. but that is not now and i'm done trying to figure it all out. my eyes, my throat, my mind, my heart are so very exhausted.

(when i was 18 until i was 22 i loved him while he cheated on me and hit me and verbally assaulted me. while he did cocaine in the apartment i paid for him and the friendships i lost and the family i deserted. i chased him across 4 states. he fucked boys while fucking me and he lied lied lied. he took pictures and sold them for money. he hurt me deeply... yet i stayed faithful and tried and tried and tried

(when i was 22 until i was 26 i loved him while he secretly chatted with boys online and i have the years of emails to prove it. i still read them to remind myself when i start to think of him as safe. he deserted me for work and friends and left me alone 5 states from everyone and everything i gave up to be with him... yet i stayed faithful and i tried and tried and tried

(when i was 26 i bought an apartment. i asked all the questions. i thought it through. i said we can take it slow we dont have to rush but he assured me and i walked a foreign city alone for hours and left alone and came home alone and the weeks turned into months

(when i was 28 i met a boy... and its too much to write about...

its too much of a coincidence for me not to be playing some role in this. i surrender. its my fault. don't feel sorry for me... just dont fuck people over. dont tell them you love them with your words and then confuse them with your actions.

if i could say one thing it is this: real love is big enough to see us as we are. it loves us and doesn't judge, it takes the road that is not always easy and it is honest. it is pure and basic and whole. it is light and funny and deep and passionate. it has no expectations and sees the best in people. it is self-sacrificing and assertive. it is the breath that holds my bones together. it gives kindness not only to strangers but the people in our lives when they need us most but love is only love when we act on it. i hope that if you read this... that you act on love. its the only thing i wish.

unlocking your future.

2009-08-08T10:53:00.005-05:00

an old classmate found me online that i haven't seen in 13 years. we weren't close but when you spend 10 years together in the same room in the same class in the same small school... you know each other whether you want to or not. i immediately asked her out for drinks because i know that those people that hold your past are sometimes the greatest opportunity for unlocking your future. we met up on monday. it was rainy and could be akward but what is there to be akward about? it's been so long i don't even know how to function as that boy that she knew. in her i saw this mirror. last time we talked i was 15, shy, awkward, and scared of any attention focused on me for greater than a couple of seconds at time. but that night, i asked her dozens of questions, genuinely curious where her life has taken her and offering up anything she wanted to know. the second half of your twenties are fascinating because you never know exactly what someone is up to... at my age you can have a family, a divorce, traveled the world, success in your career, you could have had 5 lifes by now. she told me she has a 4 year old and that last year she found out her husband was fucking another woman. after i offered her my sincerest sympathies i asked about her parents. she informed me that 3 months after her own husband's affair, her mother found out that her father was fucking some girl half his age. what a beautiful thing after 27 years of marriage. and this sort of thing doesn't shock me anymore and i tell her that men truly are assholes and i barely claim my gender most days. i wonder who these women are that spread their legs for these married men (i wonder what it takes to be twice removed) and i wonder why these married men feel like there was no way out - why they felt trapped because instead of having an honest talk - they put their dicks inside someone else without any real understanding for the months and years that will follow for these women as they enter the abyss. because we find out. we always find out. and only these women will be able to pull themselves out of this break-neck reaction these men have so quickly disregarded in their general direction.

i'm sitting across the table from her. the boy that used spend 5 minutes thinking about the words i would speak for fear of them not being funny enough, not being important enough to hold anyone's attention. i'm not really picking up on it until later but i'm sitting here with no regard for anything. some people will tell you that everyone goes through this... everyone gets more comfortable in their skin... everyone matures. the truth is that not everyone does and i clearly saw myself for what i was supposed to be: inferior, timid, a follower and it wasn't enough to make me happy. the person sitting across from her that is laughing, and conversing, and cursing like a sailor is very much the person i have created... the person i want to be and it's an amazing reminder to know that i'm the result of myself... that this is an amazing place to be... that anything is possible... that the best is yet to come.

and she's beautiful because she's not the same person either... she's in her own now. she is beautiful not because its natural... not because she's the model type but because she is so unique and i can pick up on that and see it right away... and we eat indian food and drink indian beer and everything is just like it should be.

too intense to mediate.

2009-08-07T11:31:00.004-05:00

we collided a long time ago and it's hard to remember the exacts details surrounding it but i remember it being too intense to mediate. it was what it was and the only thing to do was to leave it right there in the back pocket of my brain. i didn't have to know your name to really know you. at the end of it, i knew you better than most people that know your name. how it all came together felt safest to me and i couldn't offer anything more. it wasn't mine to give. those minutes upon hours upon days were intense. no pressure. no plan. and somehow you knew when and how. i've never talked about it but yeah it comes to mind and there's no shame in it. it's why i'm not prone to jealousy. we're all fully loaded when it comes to experiences and memories. all i have ever really cared about was intentions and actions. when we were wrapped around each other it felt like love but i sent those words packing the minute they tried to enter my mind. my hands pushing your wrists against the wall. my back against the mirror. the ice cold tile under my skin was the only thing keeping me conscious. deep sleep soon following the way it used to follow when i was 19 in a sun drenched apartment with a dry throat, chapped lips, unable to resist the sex coma. boys always want to know my name. my number. my everything. so i act aloof. i play any card to keep it where it needs to be... and even now i'm right where i need to be with who i need to be here with but we cannot deny our past because it brings us front and center for where we want to go and for who we have become.

all for his gain.

2009-07-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

I designed a logo last week for a company that came to me in desperate need of something quick. I told him that I could squeeze him in but I needed to complete the entire thing to his approval within two weeks because of other clients I had current commitments to. Two weeks became 51 days total which included 15 emails and a total of 29 designs/redesigns until every pixel was perfect… and it was indeed a beautiful logo. I even gave him a discount because I was designing double logos for him at once… which eventually turned into one single logo and I didn’t charge him full price. After all this time he tells me he is pleased with the end product. He then tells me that he needs it in a file format that I don’t work with because it makes my designs look less than what they are. He immediately asks for a full refund and unleashes a furry of hell via email. It throws me… because he had never once mentioned this kind of file format before… because I had worked so hard and so much longer than anyone else would have to deliver him exactly what he needed… because it made me second guess myself (which I am learning is a sin.) I could refund his money and tell him I apologize for any inconvenience. I could refund half is money and tell him that we can call it even or… or I could confront this motherfucking situation for what it really is… my work and sweat all for his gain. I wrote him something professional because I’m good at that and told him that the logo was his and I would not be refunding his money to him and that this is a decision I will not be swayed on. I knew if he took me to court that I would win without a fight. He wrote me back minutes later telling me that he had already “hired” someone else who supplied him what he needed… that I was second rate… yada yada…. I knew it was the end of it so I clicked it off because I didn’t need his words running through my mind. I did my job and I did it a 110%.

And tonight, in traffic, a vehicle drives right in front of me with… my 6 day old logo, all big and bright, plastered on the side of his vehicle. You see, that motherfucker, intended to use the design all along. He saw a way out and was more than happy to have me create something for him and try to steal it for free so that he could grow his clientele with a swanky new look. And this only confirmed that people out there don’t always live like I live and that you better believe there will be people that will take you and leave you with nothing… simply because they can… and you can either be liked or you can know that you are good enough… that you did what you were supposed to and you’re not going to fucking move because what matters most… is your self-respect.

what have i to need?

2009-07-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

Why would I be lonely? What have I to need?

Last Friday friends asks me over for a movie night…

hours later a friend from California sends me a text just to remind me that she loves me.

My dear friend from Jersey checks in later that day.. continues to give me things to think about… and his texts make me think I wasn’t some blip on a screen but that connection will always stay and I’m thankful

That day I am texted by friends asking me what I’m doing.. where I will be that night

I party until 5am having the time of my life. I feel amazing… I get hit on all night. I run into acquaintance and friends some of which I haven’t seen in too many months to remember… I am totally free and feel amazing in my skin

I spend the night at couple of friends’ house. I have their house key on my keychain… I think its because they love me… they know they can trust me… I try to give it back but they tell me to keep it…

The next day the boy I’m falling for texts me all day long and even though he’s not saying the one thing I want to hear… I’m glad he is happy and it’s a good feeling to know he wants to be in my life during his free day

Monday morning I arrive at work and one of my coworkers has baked me a cake over the weekend because she heard me in passing mention something about it being my half birthday

A friend from PA texts me and continues to flirt with me for reasons unwarranted… even though he knows I’ve all but fallen in love with a local boy

On Monday night an old friend from high school asks me out for drinks

On Tuesday a boy.. a friend.. from Texas asks me if I’m single still… and when will I come and sweep him off his sweet

At work a coworker asks me if my coworkers can take me out when I pass my final test for my degree this weekend..

Wednesday night I meet friends for a card game and then head downtown to wish a new friend farewell as he goes off to pursue his dreams… everyone there seemed to like me and talked to me…

That night I sleep with my puppy as long as he will let me because he is sweet and soft and kind and has been mine since I was 12 and I love him more than breath

Today I work hard again… a coworker flirts with me… telling me I’m pretty to look at

My mom calls and asks if she can drop me off some dinner to my apartment for me just because she was thinking of me…

I have work offered to me still tonight and am studying for my last test this weekend that will give me the degree I’ve been working on for 4 years…

And my weekend is already filling up…

I tell my friends I love them but somehow I feel empty at times… until I sit down and write it out and I feel embarrassed at the notion that I am not somehow not loved… that I’m not okay… because this is a typical week for me and yet I see myself continuing to find out who will look out for me next… who will remember me… who will reach out to me.

3 words.

2009-07-27T20:34:00.003-05:00

You know I’m still repeating repeating repeating. You know how some boys start sentences with “Every boy I’ve ever known….” Because they like to be dramatic and go for the effect of exaggeration. I am not that boy and this is not one of those stories so don’t write me off. I get the impression that every boy I’ve ever known thinks I’m too much once they get to know me and that’s the truth right there. They can’t handle my emotions or my sensitivity or my feelings... this is the biggest reason why I have liked being single because it leaves me answering to no one and it gives no one else power over how I am treated. I don’t over attach myself to friends because it feels wrong no matter how close we are. I don’t cling to my family because I know they refuse to understand me at my deepest level but yet I try time and again with boys. I know I come off aloof to it all. I know I come off strong and confident but that’s because I have a lot to protect. That’s because I believe in love in its biggest form and I’m not sorry that I want to write you love letters and hug you and kiss you and love you and miss you. You know I have a life and a job with a good salary. I am days away from getting my second degree. I have my own place and a pup. You know I have friends and a great social life. You usually call me more than I call you so I don’t know how else to come off as normal but if you want the regular kind of boy, I am not him. There are plenty of them out there. I could give you a list right now. They will play you and fake interest and then they will fuck you and they will leave you because this is what they do… but I haven’t seen you in months and what I want is to know you love me.. to know you miss me and then we can talk about anything you want… I’m glad you’re so confident in us that you don’t need to hear it… but I am not that kind of guy. Maybe its because I’ve been fucked one too many times but when it comes to boys I swear I start to feel chemically imbalanced. Is it such a burden for men to say, “hey baby, how are you? God, I’ve missed you and I love you.” I just wrote that in a matter of seconds and yet it feels like pulling teeth.. it feels like im trying to get you to renounce who you are. You’ve been gone all summer and I realized quickly that the promise of staying in contact and writing letters and missing me just wasn’t happening… and that’s cool. No problem. You have a commitment and I’m glad you are pursuing your dreams… so I didn’t say anything because this is your life and you don’t owe me anything. But the only times I feel sad are when I talk to you and that stings worse than anything because it feels like you want me to just be your friend all of a sudden. I’ve got friends and I’ve got family. I’ve got a social life and I’ve got all I really need… what I don’t have (if you are out of the picture) is a lover. I don’t want to have to feel like I can’t show you how I am feeling and I don’t want to front. When you fell apart in march, the minute I heard it in your voice I knew I would do whatever it took until you felt okay … and I did. When you called me that first week and everything was going horrible… I told I was here and that I loved you and that things would turn around… and they have. When you left for a weekend you texted constantly and couldn’t wait to see me… now your gone for the summer and I feel embarrassed to utter the words, “I miss you.” You don’t ever have to be anything to me except sweet and loving. You can be sad or happy or anything and it’s cool. You know we have fun together and I can be wild and crazy but there’s something in me that needs to know you have my back and that you don’t expect me to be anything… without it I kind of fall apart. I hate that I can’t have this conversation to your face but I need to not forget this moment. And this is why I tell people that I like getting older. This is why I will trade aging, and wrinkles… because the emotional lashes that I take only get easier to bear. I don’t know why this hurts the way it does and I feel badly that it does because it’s not your intention but I won’t lie that all I want to hear you say is that we truly are on the same page…

I found out yesterday that a few friends started this club. They call it the stephen fan club and this guy and these two girls are determined to either have me or turn me straight. i know, wtf right? I went out the other night and I swear I had too many people to count either hit on me or ask me if I was still talking to you… because they are interested. And you know, with all this attention… you’d think I’d find someone that could see me for what I’m worth. You’d think that for all I want and have to give… even if it’s just good intentions… that it would be worth an “I love you” that it would be worth an “I miss you.” You’d think that me driving the miles and paying the money to see you would do something for you… but I just don’t know. I want to have this great life filled with affection and devotion… are you one of those guys that shifts after a few months? The other ones sure as hell did… the minute things got comfortable they become these people that took me for granted… I deserve better than that and so do you. The flowers will still be here for you in ten years and so will the love letters. The thoughtful surprises, the dinners, the inclusion in my plans, and a key to my life and apartment… it’ll be here one year, ten years, and 40 years if you’re the kind of guy that understands that… I believe in waking up everyday to the new possibilities that you can bring to my life and I can bring to yours…

Overwhelmed yet?

Because I love spending time with you… and I would be thrilled to see us still at it in our thirties... but you should have what you want and so should i… and I’m not going to do anything to force this or paint a picture about some guy that I think you want to see… and if I’m not your happiness… then I’m not… and if I’m making all this up then at least you can feel flattered that my mind would race so much over such little information…

Do you think I’m fucked up? Is it because my dad died when I was little and I will always look for a man to fill that space? Is it because I know my family can’t really be my family so I need you to fill the gap? I wish I could offer up apologies but I’m done apologizing for myself. Did I miss out on the asshole gene that is so carefully and consistently passed down through the male chromosome? I know I try my hardest… I know I’m more sensitive than any other motherfucker I know so I try hard to only surround myself with people that can handle that… that can respect that… because I can’t spend my life feeling sad, feeling offended, or trying to piece together the puzzle of why people say the things they do to me.

I know you’re timing isn’t always perfect but know you love me and I know it makes me smile… and all you really needed to do was say three little words.

That’s all anyone needed to do… had they said it and shown it I would have stayed with him… and him… and him…

Don’t worry. I’m disheartened but not broken. I’m sad but not crying. I will stop typing and I will bring back the fighter in me. The one that refuses to be sad, That gets on with life, that smiles, that loves, that endures, and that is ready for this moment. Because no matter what happens I will always have me and I will always have my place… I will always love me and know the real me and I won’t be scared of what I find.

And if I’m wrong… If I’m supposed to learn from you… if I’m supposed to trust you and drop the act of needing… and just go with it… then I will do my best. I don’t claim to have it all figured out… but god knows I try hard.

more than anything, if i can't love you the way i want to... then you don't want me... you want someone else... i want to know its cool to love you the way i have been. this has never been a front. this is the real me...

if i had my way.

2009-07-26T13:43:00.004-05:00

if i had my way i'd wake up to someone beautiful everyday.
if i had my way i'd love to work. i'd love to create.
if i had my way i would make a living for what brings me joy.
if i had my way my friends would surround me every minute.
if i had my way my family would be whole.
if i had my way i'd go dance every weekend.
if i had my way i'd read and write and hypothesize.
if i had my way i'd smile for miles just because.
if i had my way you'd be free to be you when you're around me.
if i had my way i'd accept and not deny.
if i had my way i'd have no conditions to be met.
if i had my way we wouldn't have to prove anything.
if i had my way i'd dress how i want.
if i had my way i wouldn't second guuess myself, ever.

what you waiting for?

an awakening.

2009-07-23T22:01:00.003-05:00

there are people out there that will take you for what you will give them and then try to find a way to further themselves from it. i'm sure we all have capabilities on some level regarding the not so pretty sides we show at times but manipulation and self-righteousness are not two that i share or struggle with. and with this in mind, i find myself personally offended when i see people trying to rip me off or rip you off. i have been working on my confrontation lately and in doing so i see new scenarios opening up regularly that allow me to test out who i am and who i want to be. i really believe that we pull into us those things that we want to experience. some call it god. some call it fate. some call it coincidence. i believe it is the law of attraction. what i am truly pursuing in my life is what will be brought to me. i have asked for confrontation and it has undeniably showed up in my life from complete strangers, clients, coworkers... life.

first things first, i am not your bitch. i wake up everyone morning just like you. i feel things because whatever i am doing is personal and don't tell me not to take it personal because life is personal. my work is my time and my sweat. my actions are a direct reflection of my motives and this is seen in my communication, in my relationships, and in my day to day. it's all very fucking personal.

second, i no longer need you to like me in order to know that i'm doing what is best for me. i may struggle with calling you on your shit or confronting you when you blur the lines between my life and your life. but it doesn't mean i am not on my way to becoming this person that i feel is a necessary part of who i want to be. how can i handle leadership with out it? how can i pursue kindness without returning a finger back into the face of a bully? talk is cheap and there is nothing more that i loathe than speaking intentions without following through with them. if i don't think i will be doing something then you won't hear it fall out my mouth.

i have found that the only way i can rid myself of the people that throw their disgusting energy on me is to throw it back at them. this is not done by saying the words, "i forgive you i forgive i forgive you." it is done by looking someone in the eye and saying, "i have as much right to take up space on the planet as you do. your thoughts are not more or less valid than mine... and if necessary i will fight you to the bone on this because i know who i am. i know that i look at people's feelings, i work hard, and i deliver the best of my abilities while communicating as best i can along the way."

no more. i'm standing my ground. when life kicks you down, i kick back... louder. longer. whatever it takes to assert that this is personal. that this is not a battle worth a negotiation. you're creeping in on my soul and trying to assert something different than who i really am... and if you think i'm going to start regressing for you.... you are obviously in for an awakening.

rewind: scream.

2009-07-23T16:42:00.001-05:00

nothing is beyond.

2009-07-21T21:34:00.003-05:00

bet you thought you fooled me. i bet you thought you had this figured out. but the truth is that no matter how hard i try to attain, i have everything i need. nothing is outside of me and nothing is beyond my reach. love and appreciation. esteem and same-page-relationships. fulfillment and blissiness. when i forget it's because i once knew not because i haven't learned. nothing separates me from you. nothing separates me from god. except the illusions that we allow to build. i am my.. my everything. my monday morning and my sunday night and everything in between. i'm my comfort, my trust, my hope. you are my let down, my disillusionment, my denial, my bottom half, my uncomfort, my inability to trust.

could i ever be half of a whole again? could i ever attempt to make someone happy? could i really find it to be everything i thought i needed when i believed in need? am i disillusioned to still believe in forever and undying?

you should be scared of me. you can be intimidated of me if you like. you can harbor resentment and project on me everything you haven't the nerve to become. i'm the gum under your shoes. i'm the crack in your glass. i'm the smack in your fist against a face. and i'm not going anywhere.

checklist takes them down one at a time. my moods swing wide on the inside hidden behind a smile of white and hope. dare you to look inside me. dare you to love me for everything i cage. wonder if you have any interest in who i really am. could you find me and contain me or let me fly.

what about dark nights. what about no-names. what about illicit turned into blatant romance via horizontal. what about kissing equaling all i want in a moment. what about soft sheets and not stopping. what about deep laughing convulsions because i had it so hard in the end. what about.

i'm... not ... scared.. of ...you.

i'm on fire. (part 2)

2009-07-21T00:42:00.005-05:00

hey ex-lover with a hit so swift
did you think about the bigger picture
when i was yours and you were mine

hey brown haired fool
did you take the time to count the marks
riddled across my heart so bright red

hey lover lover never give me something good
bet you didn't know i meant it when i said i love you
and wiped away your crocodile tears

i'm no longer yours and your no longer mine
but i won't have to prove to you the magnet of my heart
when i think of your name

so its better that we don't talk
its better that we don't open wounds
its better to go forward not backwards

wonder if you learned your lesson
if you found someone new
but people never really change
and the same goes for you

i don't wish you any harm
except to live with the fact that you'll never have me
punishment enough

lover didn't you know that i was your one
and now its overdrawn and the whole thing is cracked
like a hole so black it never really ends

things are how they are supposed to be
if i believed anything else i would never wake up to happiness
but ex-lover don't you know you trampled my soul

and it leaves me without effort
it leaves me picking up my pieces 2 years later
it leaves me... on fire

i'm on fire.

2009-07-19T23:18:00.004-05:00

hey soft skinned sweet little boy

did you know i want you more

... than you could ever need

and every night and every day

i mumble your name and fall asleep

... squeeze your stuffed animals

i think that i'm on fire for you

for what might become

and what is possible in your eyes

hey baby boy passing highway signs

do you think about me when you're high and dry

do you know i'm laying here in a bottoned down shirt

and i trace my fingers down the edges of my tummy

and i imagine you spooning me into the center of you

hey babycakes do you feel the way i do

are you scared to let go as much as im scared to give in

feels like im falling out of a 100 story window

and straight into something bigger than u or me

so i pretend its not real and move on forward

hey lover boy did you know i watched you when you were asleep

and took my fingers up and down your soft arms

watching the lights of cars passing by every 10 minutes

pushing my face in the back of your neck and breathing u in

did u know i'm on fire.... i'm on fire.

who i fuck.

2009-07-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

The gay thing has been hard lately. I feel like there is this whole new layer of finding out who I am and what that means. Does who I fuck really determine so much of what I am? Because I prefer a boy to a girl… I find myself wondering if my shirt is too tight, if my music is too bubblegum, if my hobbies are too fem. I know the right thing to say right now. I know the right thing to write to make it sound like I have a plan of action and to make you think that I see the light at the end of the tunnel on this one but honestly, its not how I’m feeling. It’s not where I have been. I’ve always hated the idea of someone knowing I was gay. I’ve always felt violated that someone would box me in and begin to dictate exactly what it was I was supposed to be based on the stereotypes or judgments they know or assumed, even out of love. I am not in a place where I can fake it any longer so I can’t be offended when someone assumes but I haven’t made it to that place where I am okay with it. It’s a ripped up, rough journey when you try to move from a place where you care so much what others think, to a place that is genuine and honest. I have found that when I risk hearing the truth, I am also risking my own feelings. But it is what it is. I don’t have any idea how to be something other than me. I don’t know anymore how I would go about faking it, but more than anything else lately; I ask myself if people know. I wonder if they are picking up on it. I wonder if they are aware. I wonder if everyone in the world knows and is playing me off like the kid in class that is stupid but just a little too sweet to tell him to his face. You may be in a place where you would wonder why I care or wonder what the big deal is. All I know is that I do care and getting from point A to point B means working my way through this. I have a family that denies this part of me and I have a conservative workplace that I feel doesn’t welcome the news. I find myself, lately, caring a little too much what other think. Only when I care more for my own happiness than living up to what I feel I need to be in order to attain esteem, will I move past it.

I learn my lessons well and I don’t like to make poor decisions twice. Boys are inherently evil to some extent, I know this… but it hasn’t stopped me from trying to find a connection. Even right now, he’s far away and I miss him and the thing that really upsets me is the fact that I feel guilty about this. I think I’ve played up the downside of being emotionally involved with someone so much that even the slightest tingle.. and I just want to protect myself. I will force myself to think of me even though the natural reaction is to think of him. I don’t know how much of me he can handle in this space. I’ve never seen him in this setting so everything is a new arena. The thing is that in this moment, I do feel sad and even though it’s not the end of my world, it really doesn’t take away the heart-twitching that I feel when I think about him and I wish in moments that I could I know how he missed me. To know what that felt like for him. I know I like to be treated well. I’m not high-maintenance with love but I do want to be recognized daily. And I’ve little tolerance for anything less than what I want. Most people are born this way because they are selfish as sin but I’ve simply made it a coping mechanism. After too many scenarios with 2 very different boys, anything that could happen, I’ve already seen myself in. I already know the outcome and there is always little deviation. And I’m certainly not going to attempt to change someone. I’m protective as shit when it comes to my friends and family. My favorite characteristic in anyone is loyalty. I get annoyed easily with attention deficit disorders, especially in a boy. If we sign up for a relationship, then I’m signing up for life. That’s just me. I don’t make 3 week commitments, nor 4 years commitments (contrary to my record) … I’m a lifer. I’ve reviewed it and contemplated it and it’s simply my way and I don’t have to defend this to know who I am and what I choose to be. I’m even-keeled and I’m more thankful than I am a complainer. I know what I want and I find ways to achieve things, even though it can take its toll.

I ran into a boy last night. He was the first boy I went on a date with when I moved back. One of the cutest guys in the entire city and I look over at him and I ask him if he’s dating anyone and he tells me he’s tried to look outside of the city but hasn’t had any real luck. He looks at me and tells me that he would rather date someone from here but that I was the only guy in the entire area that was worth it and then sarcastically reminds me how I didn’t want him… so he’s basically screwed. And I look at him and can’t deny my attraction to everything on the outside but he’s right… he can’t even carry a conversation and I know what I need. So we never made it into each other’s arms no matter how perfect things might have seemed to go together on the outside… you can’t make something it is not… and I certainly have no desire.

But I have moments where the loneliness feels a little too real and even though I know that things can change in a day I still feel what I feel. I have a feeling that who we are on Friday and Saturday night when we shine ourselves up and go out and socialize, is nothing compared to who we are the rest of the week. And maybe I’m just having a rough moment and maybe I’m taking things too seriously but I think its easy to front and I think its easy to say that everything is fine and I think it’s easy to not show emotion and I think its easy to just pretend your straight instead of giving people a piece of ourselves because its embarrassing, because its awkward, because it is scary, because it is unconventional, because it is opening the door to who we really are a little too much… but more than anything I think that it confronts the cold hard truth that some can, and at some point will, reject us for who we really are.

earned my smiles.

2009-07-08T21:32:00.003-05:00

wednesday night on the cusp of something bigger than before. a little determination goes a long way but i've more than a little. i'm sitting on the edge of a crescent moon watching for my next step and trying to take in the bigger picture. always the bigger picture. life can be big and frightening and scary an unknown some nights. not the kind of night that makes you fragile, just aware. aware that things change in moments that impact us for years. and years take toll on our hearts and our accumulation of moments can betray. always in the pursuit is what i seem to be. i switched from the pursuit of holiness to the pursuit of happiness nearly a decade ago... and the question i have to ask myself.. .. the question we have to ask ourselves is... have i found it? have we found it? sometimes its so easy to smile and sometimes we have to remember but it doesn't make us any less thankful. i find myself at times remembering to smile which only makes me feel like i've earned my smiles and i'm more mature because i can know that life can always be worse and that i can always find myself unhinged (like in 2007... it's only a moment away) and that i can always find lists of things to be thankful for and compare myself into blissful luckiness in a world that can be dark and cold and unmatched.

i am thankful for two arms to type. for two hands that can find a rhythm between my mind and my heart to be able to share my inner most ideas and thoughts and hopes and dreams. for people that love me in hopes that i can continue through each day feeling a part of something, feeling connected, and hoping that i am not left behind. for the avenues of technology that bring us together. for people that attempt to love us, even if they can't do it 100%, for remembering i am my worst enemy and silencing those voices that try to deter me, for determination and looking my darkside in the eye and fucking it over, for the renewal of myself that will someday (maybe in august or maybe 7 years from now) allow me to love someone completely without judgment and without condition and without codependancy.

to my sweet friends that hook me up to love and laughter and life and .... to a romantic connection that allows me to love you on a level that most people never have the honor of being able to see... to my family that loves me in their own way even though their love for the bible blinds them to being able to see me in completeness... to my pocket book for not controlling me... to my debtors for not taking up space in my mind... to my levi for being everything i need every time i need it. you are my heart. now, before, & continuing forward..

fireworks.

2009-07-04T07:48:00.006-05:00

to be obsessed with someone... what a luxury. i'm picky as fuck. won't waste my time on something that doesn't do it for me. you're that boy from the magazine. it's sitting on my coffee table right now. and it's early in the morning and you know i like to start my day off right and slowly things come off one at a time and i think about nudging you for fireworks because you make me explode. you snuck right in and now i'm so obsessed with your body baby. the thought of the weight of your body on mine makes my eyes shut tight and i hold the thought. you in red boxer briefs and me in sweat-shorts. and i'm thinking about it in a way so tragic for my heart but so right for me when i'm laying here pulling a number. thinking about you taking charge. the way i fight back for control and you tell me no with your lips and tell me yes with your hands. man, i'll fight you on this one. i want you in my mouth before i'm in yours. i want something held tight in my hands first. are you awake yet? can i go down while you stay up? when the light creeps through the window and stretches across the carpet, i want to stretch across you and make you breathe and moan from an overdose of me. i want to give it to you so many times that you can't even remember the other guys that had you before me. i want to be the one that knows exactly what you like, when you like it, and how you need it. you can sit at your laptop and trip out on fantasies and pictures and imagine some boy giving it to you so... and then you can call me up and i'll come finish you off. you can come onto me in the dressing room at the gap. you can have me in the parking lot at the mall. you can feel me out in the car in the middle of the day dying of heatstroke and i'll be ready. if this doesn't work out then it doesn't work out... no pressure... but i want it to be you. when its this time of the morning i need you. i need you to tease me on the v of my waist. i need your lips on my shoulders and neck. i need you to push my neck all the way back. i need your lips on mine. i need your hands in my hair. i need you to get that look. damn i miss it. and when i spread your legs and when i throw everything else off the bed... i need you to tell me how good it is... how much you want it... how much you need me to keep going... while youre holding my gaze and going crazy. i need you to tell me not because you have to not because you think it might be nice... i only need you to tell me when its true. i miss you without clothes. i miss you on your back. i miss your legs in the air. i miss your arms around me tight. i miss you gasping for breath. i miss you holding the rhythm and speeding it up until its too late and again i fall victim to your love.

confrontational skills.

2009-07-02T17:53:00.004-05:00

he thinks i need to work on my confrontational skills and i think if he tells me this one more time he will see how much i don't need to work on them. i've not been walked on so much as i've pleased people with my backside my entire life. there was a quiet rebellion mixed in but when it came to keeping people happy i would easily sacrifice my happiness for their control. when it came to love i would sacrifice my need for their security. i think i've more than proven that the person i am evolving into wants to be heard.

when love got sticky early this year, i confronted it. i felt i had a right to know what he wanted and he had a right to know what i wanted and because of it, i was able to see someone on the inside and what i saw was amazing and because of it, i let him in.

two weeks ago, someone made a homophobic remark to me in public with a dozen people surrounding us. a perfect stranger. not only did i confront him, but i put the attention on him and handed him his pride on a platter. and as a result i received an apology in front of everyone. i chose not to deny my sexuality but instead stood up and broke his stereotype and i bet he'll think about it before he does something like that again.

at work, when something is uncomfortable i find ways to bridge the gap. the only thing that i have to lose that i care about is my self respect. i care about it more than the money or the responsibility.

push me far enough and i will push back. i used to feel obligated to stay in touch... to reach out... to be nice to people i was abused by but now i see there is nothing in that. there is no reason. the people i am in touch with serve a purpose for me. they may not be the purpose you would expect but they are there for a reason that is acceptable. i will not be walked on or persuaded. i will be a force and have a purpose all my own.

hotel room service.

2009-07-02T17:12:00.000-05:00

filled but never plenished.

2009-06-29T17:21:00.004-05:00

if you don't tell me you love me you miss me then i can't read your mind. to every boy that i ever tried to understand or devote myself to. to anyone i ever put myself 10 inches deep into their shoes... i can only take what you give. i'll devote myself until i go blind but while you're out there experiencing so much with an intense schedule and a long list of things to do, i'm missing you. and it's not like i've ever been one to not take control of my schedule but no matter what, when i love someone i have always found a way to give them a level of priority. to let him know that if he needed me, i'd find a way to drop whatever was going on to make sure he was okay. there is a way to do this that is kind and gracious and not the story of a doormat. and that is me. you told me how you love this so i support you. you told me how much you want to see your friends and family when you are near home so i make sure that you see me face. even if i drive and drive to see you for a few moments. even if i can't really have you while i'm there. even if you're so on overload that we can't talk about everything the way we usually do. i still show. you told me money was always so tight so i make sure that you don't run low because i don't want you to be stressed. you tell me letters will make you happy so i write. but i have a missing link inside of me. something that can be filled but never plenished. when my family stopped accepting all of me. when my closest friends all moved one at a time to other states. and now youre gone. and i know i manage an office. i know i put in those hours. i know i get good grades and i work hard at school. i know i stay busy with my projects. i know i have friends that call me to do this and to do that... but nothing... nothing gives me the satisfaction of knowing we are on the same page. that you would do for me what i would do for you. that you could love me the way i could love you. that we won't be derailed somewhere down the road because i think about you the way i thought about those before but here's the catch: i'm not with them... i'm with you in so many ways. every way but the title. and you know why you're not my boyfriend is because boys are self-centered and i can't just do that again until i know beyond any doubt that we were made for each other. that i could make you happy and not be needy. that you could love my darkness and my light. because i want nothing less. because no one should have less. people fall in and out of love all the time but its not a game to me. there are no rules and there is no easy way out and its two feet first without looking. you see, i came home to an empty apartment. to a pup that i look at and start to choke up because i know he doesn't have much time left and he's been the only boy to ever really stick around. to ever really love me and not cause me to leave. these walls feel empty sometimes without you. i wonder if youll be the same boy when you came back as when you left. when you left, you had become everything i'd wanted to find and it's not an easy list. making love isn't something i just do. i've done it less than anyone i know but with you... i caved. and i hope i dont regret it. i hope i dont read this two years from now wondering why i thought this would work out. i hope that youll see in me something that makes you want to be a better man, something that makes you feel loved without judgment, i hope you see no limitation when it comes to my love for you, i hope that you consider me your missing link. your middle letters that get you from A to Z. the piece that compliments so well that you can't imagine your 20's and what comes after without me. because i can't sit here and make this shit up. i can't lay here and play out scenarios in my mind. i can't make you love me and i can't make you something you are not. i won't lie to myself, i wont fake myself out. i'm going to be me and i'm going to do the hard stuff like put myself first and look at things for what they are. and my hope... my silver lining... is that your hand touches my canvas. and that your heart seals my fate. and that your eyes find kindness in mine. and that your lips and your ass are only craving me... because i don't want to be sad... because i don't want to be jealous... because i don't want to be controlling... because i want my happy ending every day of my life and i want reality and i want what's really possible. i hate to say it but its true.. i love you. for the kid that couldn't get enough of me for a couple months. and you wonder why i occasionally asked if it was the real you. because that's the boy that makes my heart spin and that's the boy that i think about cutting out a future with. i miss it so.

i light up.

2009-06-28T23:35:00.003-05:00

im fun flirty sexy quiet tempted but strong. when i see you i light up and if you didnt know now you know. i like that i'm soft. that i'm sensitive. i won't give it up for anyone, not even you. i'm a fucking professional and i know how to put out a fire. but when it comes to love i can be a soft sap. too easy to please. a friend was telling me last night how slow i take things but in my mind it feels like im going a thousand miles to fast. but i wont give up everything ive learned just for a chance. i wont give in and forget every little lesson just because your skin feels soft in my hands. youre going to have to prove to me that im important to you because i can't be that weak kid that's out there with my heart on a string like a yoyo. ill sit in this apartment for nights on end for as long as it takes. i started to lose myself there for a minute and i didn't like it. im fucking better than that. i love myself more than that. we all have the option to compromise or sacrifice. we all have a choice in getting in hurt and laying our heart on the line. man, he's got something that i want. i won't lie. the idea of him in my arms... it makes me all-jelly inside. i could write you a letter right now that would make you cry at the extremes to what i can feel things when i think about you but im not going to because that's not going to help me with anything tonight. tonight im strong and solo and capable. tonight i'm all i need. when it comes back around we will see where it goes. ill need to be cradled and reminded and seen and heard. i'm all heart. and i love you ...should i not throw it around so much? should i be more careful?

jinx.

2009-06-22T20:15:00.007-05:00

skin soft with big smiles when i come around. found ways to tease your lips. gave you reasons to say i love you. can't compete with your blue eyes but i try with good intent. youre mine when youre shirtless and covered up. youre mine when your in shorts and flip flops. you have no shame and come off so cool. ive watched the playback and i feel like putty in your hands when you do what you do. ive always been the one that gives directions and yet you know how to push my buttons. your perspective is yours and ill always listen to those lips that drip your mind. ill just focus on those roses, on the letter, on that email, on that hug, on those kisses, on the encouragement. there is a lot of space between our birthdays but i think we make up for it. craving you worse than before and ive got to find ways to let go. another 48 days feels like a life time. im usually so much better at this. i hate to show my cards but when i do i hope youll help me pick them up because you care. when i get clingy i hope youll be flattered and not annoyed. im not looking for this. if i hadnt met you that night id like to think id be fine pursuing things solo. that no boy would be on my agenda. i would like to think i could have been fine.. but then you came around. i just like you. even more than i love you... i just like you. and that's about the nicest thing i could say. i've been known to love people that had no good reason being on the other end of it. so you can like me and i can like you and we can just keep it our secret. no one will have to know. no one will be the wiser. nothing can jinx it that way.

fill the gap.

2009-06-20T20:09:00.003-05:00

this last week has been such a reminder of sadness. i really believe that in order to know happiness we have to know sadness. in order to know being complete we have to know being incomplete.... and my heart has been stretched out every single day. i feel my eyes tingling and my throat restricting but it's okay. i went to a funeral today. a dear friend lost her sister... her best friend. one of those moments when you know you are supposed to be somewhere... she stayed so composed so together but then when it was over... there was silence and then in the front seat of the church she started to wail and plead and scream. a sound that i cannot imagine ever coming from her. something from so deep inside filled with so much pain. i have never seen this woman lose any of her composure under any circumstances and in that pew i held my head in my hands and cried for her... and then cried for her throughout the day. when people have pain we have to love them. when ties are broken we have to mend them. we only have each other. i cannot imagine losing someone who has been with me for my entire life's journey. most people enter and exit our lives so quickly because of betrayal or boredom or laziness. to find someone who will stick is something i cannot quite imagine. someone who loves us entirely. i wrote her a letter tonight to tell her my heart is broken for her... that i love her. in spite of our losses, we have to step up to fill the gap.

create a battlefield.

2009-06-20T09:50:00.006-05:00

i don't believe in fighting. i believe in being self-assertive. i learned my lesson when i was 25. hot tempers and throwing words around only compromises me. i haven't had an argument with a friend or a family member in years. it's not because i'm just feeding them what they want to hear. it's not because im not fully vested. at the end of the day, i'm not here to change them. i'm not here to make them see it my way. if you love me then you should love me. if you don't then i'm not going to force you. when it comes to falling in love and relationship its easier to see a different side to ourselves. it's easy to have much more at stake. here's one person that sees me for what i am. here's one person that isn't afraid of what scares everyone else. here's one person i don't have to lie to. they see all of us... with and without clothes on. i can understand why there's so much to protect. i can understand why it might seem easier to paint a pretty picture. but i promise to always be real. i promise to show myself. i promise to be loyal. i learned my lessons. even after being left for dead, i saw the parts of me that weren't working that weren't serving me and i stopped. you'll never hear me raise my voice. you'll never hear me call you a name. you'll never hear me put you down. you'll never get cold glances or have me hold it from you. if it's not working its simply not working and i'm not going to create a battlefield just to raise the bar when it comes to emotions. there's nothing you can get from me from throwing things and putting you down that you can't get from me with a little patience... with a little conversation.

why do i still have moments.

2009-06-18T19:11:00.005-05:00

for someone who has it all together it is not hard to fool myself. i know that there was a point A to point B that landed me here but i can't quite remember it day by day word for word. i remember mid-teenage angst in a pew watching a boy with dark brown hair and a boy with light brown hair and being envious not jealous because that was what i wanted but had no idea how to attain and then there was that moment in that white house so rundown and hot and sticky and i think i realized in that moment that you were a mess and yet i chose to stay because i needed to be loved and i signed you up for that and i was good at keeping my promises and then fast forward through the nonstop driving and the airplanes and airports and i just see a burgundy couch with a dark blue strips with dark green stripes. dark green like a night time forest. that was the couch that waited for me for years, before i even knew it existed. and right there in the arms of that couch i lost everything. your love and devotion and promises. i lost my belief in love conquering all. i lost my belief in someone else completing me. i lost my pride and my remembrance of time. everything hurt ten times more than it ever had and everything moved ten times slower than it ever did. and after all that, after all those lessons learned and those full blow out fights where i would beat myself mercilessly... i would make my insides bruise and twist and i would tell myself 'never again.' even after all that... i still have moments where i want to forfeit. boys have always found a way to desert me. you're gone for good reasons yet i can't but feel the friction of my own skin against my insides trying to pick away at me in moments at a time. i feel the room twitch and spin for moments and then i'm fine again. i have to remind myself that to love myself is all i need. that life is good and things are fine after all this time. i should know better. i know how to handle this now... so why do i still have moments where i feel the need to pretend not to hear my own voice or i feel the need to drink my eyes shut?

would you believe i can tap so deep into a second in my mind? would you believe that today i wore a tie and managed an office with smiles and perseverance and determination? would you believe that i have dinner plans with friends tomorrow night? that i have 5 clients that have hired me to work for them in my side business this month? that i will graduate this month with a bachelor's degree and a straight A grade point average? would you believe that behind smiles and goals and 60 hour work weeks and friends and things there are very real moments where i could rip you to shreds with the few types of a keyboard? we're all more capable than we give ourselves credit for. is it wrong for me to fantasize about a love with him so deep?

100 other people.

2009-06-16T17:02:00.004-05:00

i was out of town yesterday and found a cat on the side of the road that someone left for dead. as i was driving by he lifted his head. i turned around and went back for him. i tried to calm him and i scooped him up and moved him into the field beside the road... i called information and they connected me to a local vet who was trying to give me directions. i didn't know if they could save him, or euthanize him, or give him some pain medication but i couldn't just drive by like it didn't happen. he died on the way to the vet and it tore me up but at least i was holding it and calming it in its last moment because i'm sure along the way it loved something and something loved it. i dont care if a 100 other people would have driven by. i always used to pray to god to please send someone to help in these kinds of situations always talking myself out of why i didnt need to be the one to stop. however, i found that god had already sent someone (me) and i could either do something or i could deny myself. if i were in my last moments, i would want someone to look at me with caring eyes and a gentle touch. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with people that we disregard pain or laugh these things off but its not someone i want to be. i will take personal responsibility for compassion when no one else is... that's fine... that's just me. but it wrecked me. it really did. i'd rather be the soft hearted guy than the hard hearted guy... i guess i just know how bad people can hurt sometimes and that when that happens, it feels very real to me. to not try and accommodate that feels very unnatural... the last few days i've just needed a hug. i can't explain it but it's there and for whatever reason... i'm feeling the need to be my own listening ear, my own arms around me, my own consolation, my own saviour. at times, i wish i could trust someone that much to be concerned for me and how i'm feeling. sometimes i need to be reminded i'm special. sometimes, i only really want to hear it from one person that i single out. and sometimes they have no idea how much power i've given them. and sometimes i deny it myself.

sweetie, its me.

2009-06-14T18:12:00.005-05:00

sweetie, its me. ever have moments where you feel small and little even though things seem to be moving forward so good? that's me right now. just want to be taken under your wing for a minute. turn out the light and hide under the covers with me. tell me it'll be alright. i know nothing stays the same. i know everything changes. i know ticking clocks keep marching forward through roadblocks and over hurdles but sometimes i wish i could stop the watch in those moments when fear leaves and everything is okay. i have no fear telling you how scared i can feel. i have no pride about it. that's just me... even if i'm the only one that ever feels this way.. it's a part of me from time to time. when i was younger and people would ask if i was seeing a special girl i would play it off easily. then in my mid twenties i played it. but now, now it's the unbelievable pressure at times to wonder why i have to be seen a certain way. i don't want a girl.. i want a boy. i don't want a wife... i don't want to get her pregnant... and i don't want to pretend like everything is okay with my perfect little family. i have no pride about it. that's just me... even if i'm the only one that ever feels this way. i left my windows down yesterday and they must have seen your picture in my car. there's no way they could have missed it. i waited for the talk that we have been avoiding for almost 10 years now but it feels like 20 minutes ago. the talk never came. the anxiety hit heavy then lifted when i realized everyone seems more than happy to continue on in this weird world of stupidity. sorry you'll never meet my family. sorry we'll never do birthday parties or holidays with them. i don't know if you've really thought it all through but hopefully the sacrifices you make will be bandaged with my devotion to you cuz when i'm good, i can be very good. maybe a bit much at times. you won't have to worry about my attention being divided when it comes to the one. regardless, i wish you could step away for an hour. i feel the need to make a good impression tomorrow. i feel heavy. i have a decent amount of responsibility in my life. all of it has come at my own decisions yet today i slightly fear it. i don't know about you but i have to cry every once in awhile... sometimes for no reasons. sometimes its days.. sometimes its weeks... sometimes its months but i feel it in my throat and i know some things go on inside even if i'm not fully aware of it. i will be just fine. i'm a big boy now with a big boy status. i've lived through enough days to know things always get better and there's nothing greater than myself to worry about it and not for a second do i get upset that you're not around. we all have to follow our dreams first and we are just lucky if we happen to fall in love along the way and keep someone next to us.

i kinda hope im not making you up. i kinda hope you dont turn into a self-centered unfaithful asshole. i kinda hope that all the things i replay in my mind are actually sweet memories and not some imaginary dream im making myself believe... because when i think about it, i feel lucky to be a part of whatever we have made.