sixty-six shenanigans

happy skanksgiving ;p

2008-07-23T01:16:00.007-04:00

So my cat returned home with an ear piercing and badass face scratch; my theory is the little bastard got into some trouble with the ginormous raccoon that hangs around and tears apart our garbage every so often. I saw the fucker prowling today and I swear it's five times Salvador's size.

Good thing he's had his shots!

In other news, I sang Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy" for karaoke night at Molly Bloom's. The bar was mostly empty but I still felt like a slightly ironic but nonetheless talented singing sensation. After a couple beers, I always do.

And, because I'm such a superstar, I've now developed a habit of ordering things at Prince Albert's that don't technically exist on the menu. FACT ONE: they will put peanut butter on or in virtually any food item including (but not limited to) burgers and milkshakes. FACT TWO: I was the first person ever to be served a cherry coke float (with extra cherries!) yesterday night.

DELICIOUS!

...And since Ashton just went to bed, I can now post the tracklist to the AMAZING SKA CD I made her for her birthday tomorrow (technically today) without worrying she might stumble upon it:

gone for a long time......................................the johnstones
super orgy porno party.............................the planet smashers
come on eileen................................................saving ferris
take on me.....................................................reel big fish
99 red balloons..................................................goldfinger
the freshman.................................................mustard plug
sunday morning...................................................no doubt
point/counterpoint.................................streetlight manifesto
the science of selling yourself short......................less than jake
sell out..........................................................reel big fish
surfin' in tofino.......................................the planet smashers
superman..........................................................goldfinger
face values................................................suicide machines
gullible.........................................................the flatliners
trendy...........................................................reel big fish
everything went numb.............................streetlight manifesto
walking away.......................................................catch 22
underground town.............................................the toasters
rudy can't fail.....................................................the clash
a message to you rudy........................................the specials
wonderful world, beautiful people..........................jimmy cliff

There's lots of covers for a reason; I figure she'll listen to stuff she vaguely recognizes. The mix itself is roughly in reversed chronological order. I intentionally put all that older more influential ska stuff at the end simply because I don't like it as much. The end.

tmi

2008-07-21T16:32:00.005-04:00

Well, my cat is missing, my abdomen feels like it's exploding, and instead of lying on the beach I am running around sketchsville shaking a bag of kitty treats while heroin addicts on bicycles ride in circles shouting absolute nonsense in my direction.

How awesome is my life right now?

I know it's boring and cliche to bitch about menses but seriously; what kind of demented universe allows half its human population to bleed from the crotch once a month for half a fucking century? I want to personally murder whichever asshole cosmic being ever made that decision.

In summation, the menstrual cycle makes me want to kill God.

2008-07-21T02:39:00.003-04:00

Tony and I discovered a waterfall in St. Catherines:

We had to hike/climb for like 20 minutes to get to that little plateau. We even repelled down a 30-foot stretch of rock using a random rope we found tied to a tree. Seemed like a safe idea at the time. Victory bowls were smoked and picnic supplies were readily consumed seconds after these photos were taken.

NOTE: Those are not my shoes. They are borrowed and 3 sizes too large.

not so homeless anymore!

2008-07-16T10:32:00.003-04:00

I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a place I got a PLACE TO LIVE IN VANCOUVER!

It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap It's cheap it's CHEAP!

It's even got a fenced yard for Salvador, and an extra room for arts and other creativities. Google says a 25 minute ride into school, 15 minutes to the beach, and 10 minutes to downtown.

!?

2008-07-11T21:17:00.003-04:00

So I am walking downtown at around 11 PM yesterday night and this sketchy couple walking in front of me start looking back in intervals of maybe 24 seconds. Repeatedly this nasty girl wearing a matching velvet tracksuit whipped her greasy ponytail around at me revealing a bare pouch of fat where her shirt and pants should have met. Awesome.

The dude wasn't exactly a winner either; he rocked out a shaved head, 18-size-too-large t-shirt, and the lamest most typical tattoos seen in the history of the universe. Anyway, these two sketchbags eventually stopped to let me pass, and then proceeded to walk about 6 feet behind me.

Then, plain as day, I hear this girl say, "That's a nice polka dot purse. We should steal it."

The guy responds: "Nahhh, she's got a death grip on that thing."

[Outrageous cackling ensues]

In my head I am like WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!???! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!? So I turn around and politely say, "Ahem, I couldn't help but notice you were talking about me and my purse." (For effect I swing it around in front of their faces, keeping the aforementioned death grip strong and steady).

The dude is taken aback. He says something about his girlfriend liking my purse. "It's a nice bag," he says. He says not to worry, they keep it real gangstuurr up in here, and wouldn't say shit unless it was to my face..? (!!!)

I tell them that's nice.
Then I cross the street in case they feel like keeping things a little too "gangstur."

natural science

2008-07-11T00:30:00.002-04:00

If you didn't already know Crystal Castles played the Harbourfront in Toronto on Saturday.

The show was gnarly even though we were tapping our feet in the back with all the trendy sober people for like 90% of it. At first I was all "man this chick can't sing worth shit live," but she just kept thrashing and screaming and then all of a sudden WHAM I had a full-blown girl crush on her. Just like that.

Other Toronto weekend highlights included sunglass shopping in Kensington market, breakfast blazing at The Last Temptation, chugging contests on The Madison House patio, inhaling the absolute best post-bar shawarma of all time, and blasting tunes from my newly installed car stereo while cruising through the Annex.

I have other stories but I'll save them for later.

suburban legends

2008-07-06T22:59:00.005-04:00

So, the night began as a stoner horror moviefest but could not continue without a mission to A&P. We bought the entire grocery store, including two pies (strawberry rhubarb, key lime) reeces pieces, jelly tots, flakies, weird no-name brand cupcakes and dill pickle chips.

(Generally speaking, this is what happens when you forget to eat all day and then accidentally get baked).

Anyway, the movie selection was late-nineties teen slasher flicks (aka I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Urban Legends). First of all, I am a total loser when it comes to being scared; that whole Bloody Mary/Candyman phenomenon made me terrified of bathrooms for YEARS in elementary school.

But, lucky for me, I managed to make it to the end of Urban Legends without crying or shitting my pants. Unlucky for me, I then had to drive home in thunder and lightning by myself. Naturally, I am convinced everybody on the street is plotting my demise. I repeatedly check my back seat for axe murderers.

Even as I unlock my door and throw my cat back inside at 2 AM, I am gripped with intense stoner paranoia. I text Darwin: I am totally scared of psychokillers right now. Then, as I crawl into bed, there's a loud knock at my door.

I call Darwin, heart pounding: ARE YOU AT MY DOOR RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM PROBABLY ABOUT TO DIE. She says no, she's not outside; no, she's not fucking with me; and no, axe murderers don't usually knock first. She is scared for me. I start cursing my sketchy, sketchy neighbours. Another knock. I answer the door.

It's Tony.
He caught a late bus from Hamilton just to surprise me.
I punch him square in the chest.

66 albums (round three)

2008-07-01T15:00:00.004-04:00

Perhaps by now you know the drill.

Every once in awhile I get bored enough to create a big fat list of bands and albums that have been in considerably high rotation within my personal collection. Some are new, some are old; some are throwbacks to fourth-grade sleepover parties, and some I probably discovered yesterday (but pretend to have owned for years).

So, um, here it is (no repeats I swear!):

Alexisonfire - Alexisonfire
Aqua - Aquarium
Avenged Sevenfold - Avenged Sevenfold
Avenged Sevenfold - City of Evil
Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
Between the Burried and Me - Alaska
Blink 182 - Enema of the State
(a seventh-grade classic)
Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet
(oh man, now I'm just embarrassing myself)
Brand New - Your Favourite Weapon
Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
Cardigans - First Band on the Moon
Coheed and Cambria - No World for Tomorrow
Coheed and Cambria - Good Apollo I'm Burning Star
Coheed and Cambria - In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth
Coheed and Cambria - Second Stage Turbine Blade
(seriously, their entire discography is pure genius)
Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles (going to see them Saturday!)
The Dandy Warhols - Welcome to the Monkey House
Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs
Dinosaur Jr. - Where You Been?
Eels - Beautiful Freak
Feist - The Reminder
The Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
Gogol Bordello - Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike
The Golden Dogs - Big Eye, Little Eye
Goldfinger - Darrin's Coconut Ass
Husker Du - Candy Apple Grey
Incubus - Make Yourself
Incubus - S.C.I.E.N.C.E.
(Sidenote: I've just rediscovered I own their radulov DVD Incubus Attacks Vol 2—and subsequently rediscovered Brandon Boyd's extreme attractiveness—on Friday night while sipping Pabst and smoking bowls before Molly's)
The Johnstones - Word is Bond
Justice (apparently pronounced Just-EECE?) - †
Justin Timberlake - Futuresex/Lovesounds
(save your criticism—I don't care)
The Kills - Midnight Boom
The Kooks - Inside In, Outside Out
Lagwagon - Double Plaidinum
Led Zeppelin - House of the Holy
Lily Allen - Alright, Still
M.I.A. - Arular
M.I.A - Kala
Millencolin - Pennybridge Pioneers
Moldy Peaches - Moldy Peaches
MSTRKRFT - The Looks
Nirvana - Incesticide
NOFX - I Heard They Suck Live
NOFX - S & M Airlines
Phantom Planet - The Guest
Planet Smashers - Life of the Party
Polysics - Polysics or Die!!!
Protest the Hero - Fortress
The Radio Dept. - Lesser Matters
Reel Big Fish - Everything Sucks
Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope
Shout Out Out Out Out - Not Saying Just Saying
Silverchair - Neon Ballroom
Spice Girls - SPICE (makes for wicked karaoke nights, non?)
Streetlight Manifesto - Somewhere in the Between
Ted Leo + the Pharmacists - Hearts of Oak
Thrice - Alchemy Index
Third Eye Blind - Third Eye Blind
Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Van Halen - 1884
The Verve - Urban Hymns
Weezer - The Red Album (much better than Make Believe)
The Whitest Boy Alive - Dreams
The Wrens - The Meadowlands
Xavier Rudd - Food in the Belly
Ynwie Malmsteen - Rising Force

I realized while compiling the list that I very rarely blog about music anymore.

did you know:

2008-06-29T17:02:00.001-04:00

If you google search "hold my boner," my blog is the first result.

The more you know!

confessions of a serial chiller

2008-06-27T11:35:00.002-04:00

So I've fallen into the habit of purchasing marijuana at work.

My half-quarters come in CD inventory bags that read:

Artist: BERMA
Title: WEED
Catalogue #: 420
List Price: $30
Genre: EXPERIMENTAL

Only loser stoner types such as myself are actually amused by such cleverness.

overdramatic much?

2008-06-25T14:10:00.005-04:00

I'm currently up on my roof, soaking in as much vitamin D as humanly possible so as to minimize the depression/confusion that has clouded the past couple weeks. It's too bright/hot to read. Instead I'm watching cars go by and willing them to crash with my eyes.

I'm also sweating like a monkey (assuming monkeys sweat a lot).

In other news, I've been playing a lot of Scrabble lately and watching sappy movies. Ashton and I spell words like BINDERTRON and QFEVER while taking in a self-pity double feature (PS I Love You and Into the Wild, if you want to get all specific). It's pretty damn fun and doesn't even require mind-altering substances.

PS: Tony made me a mix CD and these are the songs he put on it:

alexisonfire...........................................44 caliber live letter
beastie boys.........................................................sabotage
chuck berry..................................girl, you'll be a woman soon
boards of canada...................................constants are changing
architecture in helsinki...............................one heavy february
louis logic..........................................................idiot gear
the kooks.................................................you don't love me
tears for fears..............................................head over heels
down to earth approach......................................permanently
mgmt............................................................electric feel
clap your hands say yeah......................................is this love?
sonic youth.........................................................superstar
louis logic (again).........................................the great divide
built to spill.......................................goin' against your mind
ghostface killah......................................................be easy
boys night out..............................hold on tightly, let go lightly
third eye blind..........................................how's it gonna be?
the pixies............................................here comes your man
the joel plaskett emergency.................................cry together

doom

2008-06-15T12:10:00.004-04:00

I really wish I could put everything I've been thinking/feeling/doing into words but I have to be careful about who reads what—and besides, I am still devastatingly confused about the whole thing.

Things I do know:

Skateboarding is difficult in a skirt.
I've been drinking every night of the week, no probs.
Barney's patio is a highschool reunion every night of the week (barf).
I may not be happy, but at least I'm "da bombest kron ever"??
The shower is the best place to cry (even when people are home).
Oh yeah, I am leaving for St. Catherines in 5 minutes.

TTFN.

2008-06-14T22:09:00.003-04:00

My heart is so terribly, terribly swollen.

the hottest province?

2008-06-08T23:33:00.004-04:00

Sweltering heat.
Drunk off my ass at the beach.
Rain in my poutine.
Sigh.

There was a crazy flash thunderstorm slash tornado this afternoon. We all ran to Mirit's car and all these pylons from construction zones were being tossed around by the wind. Rain was coming down in sheets and these gigantalor cracks of thunder were pulsing through my seat.

Mirit and Nancy were all scared and playing Streetlight Manifesto at full volume to keep their minds busy, meanwhile I am like "Whateva, I eat hurricanes for breakfast!" Oh a huge tree fell down in the street too. It was hit by lightning. Duh.

PS: If it's physically possible to be in love with a movie I am so totally crushing on The Hottest State. It is so relatable and cute and, and totally explains why I confess my undying love for my ex boyfriend(s) time and time again. Directed by Ethan Hawke. You should watch it.

detroit: 3, pittsburg: 2, sarah: 0

2008-06-04T22:59:00.000-04:00

Woke up just in time to see the third period game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and for some reason I feel like I should care. I also feel like I should be drinking beers and cheersing friends and not sitting by myself sending pathetic text messages but I guess I can't win them all.

So, on Sunday night my cat ran away and jumped into a 6-foot crevasse between two sketchy buildings resulting in a 3-hour rescue mission involving candle light, breaking into a building, thick layers of asbestos, and driving with a ladder hanging out the side of my car at 3 in the morning.

Tony was my bright and shining hero for the night even though I know he not-so-secretly harbours intense jealousy for my cutie little fuzzmuffin.

(Salvador that's YOU!)

Ahem. Speaking of borderline psychotic behaviour involving cats: I was stoned the other day and discovered the joys of blowing bubbles at animals. To them it's like a religious experience; all kinds of shiny orbs of vaguely colouful liquid, floating in space like it's totally normal.

OK yeah I need a life.

practice makes it worse

2008-05-28T21:05:00.006-04:00

I bought a car today.
It's ugly so you won't see pictures.
(Some say this is endearing)?
It cost $500.
I am driving it across the country.

Speaking of totally rad nu-rave nintendo-punk outfits from Toronto, I am totally hooked on Crystal Castles these days.

Influenced by murder, blank looks on girls, and knives (according to their myspace page, anyway) the devious duo know how to melt faces electro styles.

They say it best themselves:

we are crystal castles
we are 1 boy and 1 girl
we are named after She-Ra's home
we play rough

In other news my back and legs are totally crispy (as in sunburnt) so sitting and squirming in this couch hurts like a motherfucker.

It's okay though because at least I got some colour on my shoulders and cheeks from the beach on Monday. I swear on my mother's grave this will be the summer Sarah gets a tan.

The end.

i believe in a thing called ska

2008-05-25T12:07:00.004-04:00

Last night I fell in love with 5 people simultaneously.

I know I'm too old for this but I wore my super-special checkered shoelaces to Call the Office for a Johnstones show. I spent the entire time bouncing off 14-year-olds in the mosh pit, flicking my hair around to the offbeats. I was drunk. It was awesome. Please don't judge me.

how to eat like a child

2008-05-22T01:15:00.003-04:00

I want to run screaming in no particular direction.
I want to trade my snack pack for dunkaroos at recess.
I want to cry hysterically because my mom is late picking me up from gymnastics.

I want to collect grasshoppers in margarine containers.
I want to play cat's got the measles, red rover or british bulldog.
I want my pogs and marbles back, please oh please.

Everybody longs for simpler times, I guess.

boys are back in town

2008-05-20T21:02:00.004-04:00

Mirit lets herself in and hands me a present. It's a bright red swirly pipe. She says it's a gift to commemorate my graduation, move to BC, birthday (in 3 months) and general awesomeness. Neato! I say thank you with a smile and get down to business packing a bowl.

PS: Earlier that day I had a pseudo-date at Williams and lent out both Streetlight Manifesto's Everything Went Numb and Suicide Machines Destruction by Definition (ska combo!!) but there's no time to recap in detail. He was cute and awkward and knew things about Japanese punk bands.

Cool, whatever.

Anyway, we mission to Darwin's new place and watch snippets of Snakes on a Plane but decide milkshakes at Prince Al's are more palatable. Mirit says an extended goodbye even though she'll be back for Coheed in a couple weeks. At 3 AM Chase arrives (he took the midnight bus from Windsor) and I show off my pretty new smoking device.

This time he packs the bowls while I zone out watching old episodes of Aqua Teen. We converse enthusiastically but his jaw hits the floor when I ask him about his new girlfriend. Whatever he was sleeping on the couch anyway; I pass out at 5 AM and needlessly suggest $5 breakfast in the morning.

Work all day, Chase picks me up at seven. I hang out with his whole family, they tell me stories about a grinning, 5-year-old Chase shitting his pants. I drink wine and canned Coors, then it's back to my place for an extended predrink. Cheebo meets us there for a session. Not that you care.

Arrive at friend's house party by one(ish), chugging rum and coke from a 2L bottle. Some sort of "crackergate" has occurred which somehow sours the mood. Order pizza on the way home; Chase takes the couch one more time. No tears, no drama, just blissfully drunken unconsciousness.

Next day we're camping near Dorchester.
I have to work 5 til 9, but they make me stay at the campsite until 4:20. Sigh.

Arrive at the record store completely ripped. There is a television show being filmed in the mall, so audience cheers and theme music echo throughout the halls. Two hours til close. My manager (who is also a drug dealer) packs me a fresh bowl, hands me his pipe and tells me to enjoy. I do so, on some steps near a dumpster. The rest is kind of surreal. Or something.

Back at the campsite, bonfires and beerpong matches go on foreverererer. I start chugging rum straight to catch up with the crowd. Conversation turns to masturbation and socks. Chase and I are the last people standing, and since he "forgot" his sleeping bag, I let him sleep in my car. He calls me "babe" and I tell him to fuck right off.

The next day I find out Tony is in London.
I meet him without sleeping or showering.

In the span of 24 hours we: play Boggle, get stoned, watch Flight of the Conchords, have sex, get stoned, play Dr. Mario, sleep, eat scrambled eggs with cut-up hot dogs, get stoned, watch Lars and the Real Girl (awkward), get stoned with Darwin, watch Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle, eat Indian food at Curry Garden, watch Harold and Kumar Escape from Gitmo at Rainbow Theatres, sleep and have sex.

He says he's coming with me to Vancouver, I tell him that's a bad idea.

I walked him to the bus station this morning.

riding the fourth wave

2008-05-15T16:48:00.003-04:00

There are 23423u4932 books random people have recommended to me and yet the moment I step into City Lights Bookstore I forget every single title and/or author. Please oh please somebody refresh my memory.

(Mirit I'm looking at you for at least 3 titles).

In other news it is chilly outside, but not quite hoodie weather. I went to class for twenty minutes then walked most of the way home. Boring. I feel bad for my new roommate because she's witnessed my cat morph into a psychotic, squirrel-chasing, ankle-biting monster over the last week.

I guess he's pissed cause the other cats moved out and the weather's been so nice lately. So, for about 4 hours a day he stands at the door and cries and paws at the handle until finally you scream "FUCK OFFFFF" and open the door. He'll inevitably dart out and meow indignantly until you're all "WHATEVER I HATE YOU TOO."

I'm going to be an awesome parent one day.

wasn't meant to be

2008-05-14T18:36:00.006-04:00

It took me 3 tries to roll the joint I am currently pinching between my lips.

Usually I would say if you fail something twice you should stop trying immediately because it's just not meant to be.

However, I've never been one to take my own advice.

add me on skype: huskerdudette

2008-05-09T13:30:00.005-04:00

tony says:
hey
you mysteriously disappeared last night

SARAH says:
i did not
skype stopped working
i got your text though

tony says:
well it was mysterious to me
i thought a ghoul or a goblin must've got you

SARAH says:
nope, just the usual drunken unconsciousness
i can't find my glasses :(
hopefully they didn't move with all darwin's stuffs

i like skype, it's fun
you're my only skype friend though

tony says:
the usual, haha
maybe the ghouls and goblins took your glasses

yah skype's pretty cool
i'd do it now but..
im not wearin anything
i just got outta the shower

SARAH says:
:O
scandalous

tony says:
how does it fell to say you may have left something at "darwin's"

SARAH says:
well bob, it fells awesome
:p

tony says:
lol
yah right
you probably miss her already
i bet all my life savings that you're even gonna go see her today

so you owe me 20 bucks if you see her today

SARAH says:
yo, today is her housewarming/birthday party
i'm going to see her.
wizard of obvs :p

tony says:
$ for me
lol, wizard of obvs
i like it
might have to steal it
maybe instead of owing me the equivalent of all my life savings, you can owe me...the rights to "wizard of obvs"

SARAH says:
i'm not sure if i made it up
in came up in a conversation with ashton
i dont think ashton made it up

i'm going to google it
there are 3 google results
apparnetly i cant click on them because they may harm my computer
laaame

hey jealousy

2008-05-08T02:14:00.002-04:00

Vices I should kick (or at least cut back) before I move:

alcohol (every day is a little much)
energy drinks
energy pills
facebooking (especially self-creeping)
checking blog stats
the internets in general
ex-boyfriends
jealous plotting
mooching (pot, food, rides, etc)
saying "word"
post-bar nachos
$5 breakfast
Aqua
Dr. Mario and/or Guitar Hero

Then again, what fun would that be?

money, where are you?

2008-05-04T15:40:00.008-04:00

Are these half-assed weekly recaps getting stale yet?

Monday:
Short shift at the record store.
Bittersweet last date with my comic book lover.
Made stir fry, smoked joints and watched Across the Universe.
He was sad; I was sad; we hugged it out.

Tuesday:
Sleepy morning kisses were interrupted by moving vans.
Wasted the day away smoking more joints and fending off tears.
Afternoon Dr. Mario and predrinks.
Filthy Brass Door shenanigans including tequila and whiskey shots, awkward suicide rumours, "stolen" coats and beer pitchers, and post-bar nachos.

Wednesday:
Guitar lessons with Chase.
Milkshakes and chilli fries at Prince Al's.
Talked the whole way through Baseketball.

Thursday:
Loooooong record store shift.
Smoke joints under black lights with some youngin's.
Amateur Pink Floyd jams and even more amateur Rock Band session.
Too tired for Molly Blooms and/or Jarhead.

Friday:
Repainting mumsy's living room.
Four hour shift; listen to In Flames and discover Dethklok is playing a show in Toronto.
Porchclimbers and highschool reunions.
Minimal drunken ex-boyfriend drama.
Pass out wearing my shoes.

Saturday:
$5 breakfast.
Habs lose the hockey game; a reason to get shitfaced.
Badass Sledgehammer show at the Wick.
Giggle while an ultimate metalhead singer curls up in a Curious George blanket while watching Rambo: First Blood.
Eat burgers and pass out with nine dollars left in the bank.

Today:
$5 breakfast.
See ya later Chaser.
Homeward bound for dinner.
Iron Man then Raygun?
Three dollars in the bank; maybe not.

that's it.

2008-04-29T13:48:00.006-04:00

I'm gonna die before my 35th birthday.

Don't try and talk me out of it—there's no way I'm aging into oblivion, feigning smugness and wisdom while secretly wishing I was my teenage kid who may or may not be wasted off peach schnapps at 4 p.m. on a school night. No thanks, I'll check out early.

Cougar moms make my heart ache with embarrassment. They know it's a superficial world out there, but their attempts at staying hip and relevant only serve to accentuate their age. It really is heartbreaking. You can see the pain in your buddy's face when he introduces his blonde, fake-titted, bartender parent:

"Meet my mom, her name is Kitty. She likes knitting and body shots."

And post-cougar moms are even worse. Always forgetting their keys, wearing maternity clothes because they're "comfortable" and ignorantly falling for the most ridiculous internet scams. Not only are they older than dirt, they also begin clinging to old memories and compulsively redecorating.

Finally, those who make it to the end have a whole new set of degrading problems to deal with. Falling down. Broken hips. Shitting your pants. Forgetting the names of your grandchildren. Spider veins, old spots, wrinkles and saggy chins. OH JOY.

So, it's official. I've got 14 years to live.