CouplesQuestions Premarital Blog

If you missed last night's financial Q and A for couples

2008-07-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

OK, I goofed up.

If you were hoping to do the Q and A with Belinda Fuchs at OwnYourMoney, I am sorry I gave you the wrong night. Never fear, you can still have access to the call by emailing the same AskBelinda@OwnYourMoney.com for the REPLAY info.

Don't miss out on this chance to get some great advice about how successfully managing money in your relationship....and for free!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Couples and Money: Your chance to ask the expert

2008-07-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

There is no question, MONEY can be one of the biggest stressors in life and one of the most common causes of trouble in relationships.

Why not arm yourselves with the tools and the knowledge to know what to do when financial woes head your way. Or better yet, use those tools and knowledge to avoid trouble all together.

Our friends over at OwnYourMoney are hosting a great opportunity tomorrow night for couples who would like to ask some specific financial questions of experienced financial expert Belinda Fuchs. This woman KNOWS what she is doing!

Here are the details:

To get your questions answered, take advantage of the special "Ask Belinda" FREE Q&A Call: Your Money Questions Answered- TONIGHT Wednesday, July 16^th 9-10pm EST.

Tonight's call (she does at least one each month) call is very special to our readers as she will be coaching couples on the money issues in their marriages and relationships. She asks couples to think about the question, "What is your single most important question about successfully managing the topic of money in your relationship?"

Email AskBelinda@OwnYourMoney.com TODAY with your question and to receive the call-in (or replay) information, plus receive "live" coaching on the call!

Don't miss out on this great opportunity to get some wonderful financial advice, especially for those of you who are engaged or newly married.

You know what we always say, "talk it out before you tie the knot!" or pretty darn soon afterward!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Better Business Bureau Membership for CouplesQuestions

2008-05-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

We're proud to announce we are now an accredited member of the Better Business Bureau, adhering to the BBBOnLine standards.

Click to verify BBB accredition and to see a BBB report.

The rich irony is that we started to apply two years ago and just didn't get around to it, even though we are constantly telling people not to procrastinate when it comes to marriage prep or premarital counselling. Do as we say, not as we do!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Good, good, good vibrations over the web

2008-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

No, we are not talking about down loading that classic Beach Boys song. We are talking about the latest in toys designed to enhance your relationship.

Note: The following post contains references to sex and new technology in sex toys. If that is not your deal, check back with us another day when we are back to our normally G-Rated selves.

As you know we like to post on the latest and greatest of what's new in relationships. In her article today, Jennifer Parks of Canwest News Service introduces us to teledildonics: electronic sex toys that are controlled via the internet. For those couples that indulge in cybersex and are already making that mental connection via the web, teledildonics would assist with the physical side of things, presumably making it a more complete experience. Or at least increase the level of interaction when you are miles apart.

According to Parks' research, the idea is this: You would buy an internet compatible sex toy and then download the appropriate software (highjoy.com and sinulator.com are suggested in the article...we know nothing about them at this point). Then, all your partner requires is access to the internet and they can then control your sex toy over the web.

Who would use this? Well, the image of a busy corporate executive who is unable to get home for a lunchtime quickie availing himself of these products and services has a decidedly high Yuck factor for me. Yet, somehow military personnel using them to stay intimate while they are posted overseas isn't quite as distasteful. But that is just me.

I worry about the seedy, um, er, the seedier side of this technology. Will people cheat more with this technology? Will it cause more infidelity? I can certainly imagine a situation where a person is having cybersex with someone other than their spouse, arguing it isn't really cheating...

Lose weight for your wedding

2008-05-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't want to look and feel their best on their wedding day? Who doesn't want to look and feel their best for the rest of their lives?

We've learned about a simple (and we mean simple) approach to weight loss that is really changing the way we look at food and diets. It's working for us and we think it will work for you. It is a great approach to losing weight that couples can easily do together. Seriously. No one will feel like they are suffering.

This is not a drop-lots-of-weight-fast diet. So, if your wedding is in 10 days, we can't help you!

But if you have a few months to go before the Big Day, then you really have to try it. It is the easiest change I've ever made. And it is the kind of lifestyle alteration that will serve you well your whole life. Really, I think it is that good!

Some of you may have seen this program "I can Make You Thin" on TLC, some of you may have missed it. But Dan and I have been doing it for the last couple of months (with a few days off here and there) and I'm just amazed at how much less we are eating! And I am completely stunned at the control I have around food now. You know those snacks that call you (OK, me!) from the cupboard even when you are not even hungry? Now, I can take them or leave them. I have actually lost cravings and interest. Amazing.

Now, we are not worried about squeezing into fancy clothes for a wedding, so we don't have that pressure. But we, like many other couples, both want to be healthier and be around a long time with each and with our children. We both have goals and we plan to help each other reach them. For example, I STILL have baby weight to get off (yikes, Max is almost 2!) and I will be turning 40 next year. I plan to be 40 and fabulous, and I believe this program is going to be the way to get me there!

Whether you are in the pre-marriage stage of your relationship, newly married or been together for years, you should check out this program and try it together.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Note: The links to McKenna's site are affiliate links. That is, we get a commission if you buy from him after following our link. We will only ever recommend products or services that we can truly recommend on their own merits; never for the commission alone. In addition, they will need to fit with the themes of this site, things that we think might be helpful to you as a couple. Lastly, if you ever have a problem with one of our affiliates, please let us know. We only want to be doing business with reputable firms.

Trading Places Blog Book tour

2008-05-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is our post for participation in our first blog book tour. We posed 3 questions to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (Ok we were only supposed to pose one question, but I couldn't decide what to ask so I left it up to them) They very kindly answered all my questions below.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are founders of www.RealRelationships.com and the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their bestselling books include Love Talk, Your Time Starved Marriage, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Their work has been featured in the New York Times and USA Today and they have appeared on CNN, Good Morning America, and Oprah.

Q1. In your book Trading Places, you mention that one way to gain a greater empathy toward your partner is to learn more about their family of origin and understand better why they are who they are. Not all couples will have access to 3 days worth of home videos to go through (as did the lucky fellow discussed in your book!). In what other ways would you suggest a couple addresses each other’s upbringing as a way to develop a deeper level of mutual empathy?

A1. Sure. This is a process, rather than an event. It takes place through a variety of means. Leslie and I dated for seven years before we got married and we’ve been married 24 years (as of this June) – and we’re still learning about each other’s families and how they shaped who we are.
Here are some ideas on how you can explore your partner’s early years.

One of the most obvious ways is to simply ask about it. We’re always amazed when we are eating at a coffee shop of something and see a couple at another table sitting through their entire meal in silence. It’s almost as if they’ve run out of things to talk about. Don’t let this happen to you. When you have those moments of down time in the car or over a meal and you don’t know what to talk about, make it a point to ask your spouse about his or her childhood. For example, you can ask:

· What was the best gift you ever received as a child and why?

· What was your proudest moment during your gradeschool years?

· What was your favorite thing to do with your mom? Your dad?

· When did you feel most insecure as a child and why?

· What was a typical Saturday like for you when you were in the fourth grade?

· How do you think your birth order in your family shaped who you are today?

· If you could change one thing about your childhood what would it be and why?

· Did you ever feel really betrayed by someone as a kid growing up? What happened?

These are just a few of the kinds of question you can think of on your own to drill down on your spouse’s early years. In addition, take out some of his or her childhood photos. Look at them with your spouse and ask him or her to describe when it was taken and what was going on and how he or she felt at that time.

We’ve also known couples who have learned tons about each other by visiting the old homes and neighborhoods and schools where each of them grew up. In fact, we’ve done this ourselves and it was a real eye opener. You can’t help but to say things like, “Oh, I hadn’t remembered this until just now, but I was standing right here when …”

Still, the quickest and easiest way to explore each other’s family of origin – with an eye on Trading Places – is to simply ask each other creative questions about those early years.

Q2. What role do you see TV and other media playing in society’s current empathetic state (or lack thereof)? We are interested in your opinion regarding both what is on TV (and other media) and the preoccupation with watching TV.

You know, research actually shows that some people can’t help but empathize with the people they are watching in a TV or film, whether it be a fictional character or a real person. Others watch a program with more objectivity. Either way, we are all learning lessons about relationships from the news stories we see on TV, the sitcoms we watch, and the films we see – for better or worse.

The other night we were watching a portion of the fascinating historical series on John Adams. We loved seeing the relationship he had with his wife Abigail. We loved imagining what we would have been like if we’d been living during that time period, struggling with so many things we take for granted in this age. A program like this can be a great catalyst for empathy when you explore how your spouse would be in a similar setting or time period.

Of course, like most of the country, we are hooked on American Idol. We don’t see every episode, but we see enough to cringe when Simon can’t seem to bite his tongue and blurts out his critique. No matter how right he might be, he rarely says it with much empathy. Of course, Paula can barely utter a sentence without a heavy dose of sympathy, if not empathy – and that doesn’t make for nearly as good television, we must admit, as wondering what Simon will say next.

The bottom line on TV and empathy is that it can be a terrific catalyst for conversation – if a couple takes the time to debrief and process what they’ve viewed together. Be it a good example on the screen or not, a follow up conversation that explores both spouse’s experience of the show is valuable; and can often be a portal to greater empathy for each other.

Q3. Since reading Trading Places, we have not only been consciously practicing more empathy in our marriage, but also practicing more empathy with our children. What are the benefits of overtly teaching empathy to children for their relationships and for society?

What a great benefit for the entire family! This is one of the most important qualities we can model for our kids. As parents of two young boys, ages 5 and 10, we are intentional about not only trying to empathize with them – being their parents – but we work hard to help them empathize with us and with each other. Empathy is at the heart of every healthy family and it doesn’t happen without great intentional efforts from mom and dad.

So we commend you! You have no idea how many ridiculous conflicts can be avoided by seeing the issue from your child’s point of view – and vice versa. In fact, while writing Trading Places, we wondered whether we should write another book called Trading Places With Your Kids. Imagine how this practice would smooth out so many of the wrinkles of adolescence! Maybe, as our kids get older, we just might write it.

We at CouplesQuestions hope you do! Thanks very much for answering our questions so well.

For a peek inside the book go to the Zondervan (the publisher) website. Look for our full book review in this space soon or check out our e-zine article.

The next stop on the blog book tour is A Marriage Therapist's Blog. For a full list of the blogs participating in this tour, follow the link.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Blog Book Tour

2008-05-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

CouplesQuestions is participating in a something new (at least for us): a Blog Book Tour.

This two week blog book tour is for Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott's upcoming new book titled Trading Places: The Best Move You'll Ever Make In Your Marriage! Follow the link to read an overview of the book. We've read and enjoyed the book and will be posting our review in this space soon.

Tomorrow, we will be the first blog in the book tour to welcome the authors' responses to our questions about the subject matter of the book: practicing empathy in your marriage. Whether you are engaged, newly married or are a seasoned hand at marital bliss, you will benefit from this idea and this book.

The complete schedule for Les & Leslie Parrott’s blog tour for Trading Places can be found here.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are founders of RealRelationships.com and the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their bestselling books include Love Talk, Your Time Starved Marriage, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Dan is sick

2008-05-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

He is too sick to fix the registration page for the CQ marriage prep program, so I've just extended the FLARE promo by a week.

It started as flu and progressed quickly to bronchitis and pneumonia. He'll be OK (yay for modern medicine!) but it is going to take a while before he is up on his feet again.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Wedding Planning Checklist

2008-04-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

We've just put the finishing touches on the CQ checklist for anyone planning a wedding.

It's a "to do" list, starting at the beginning and counting down to your Big Day. The list hits all the important things to do before getting married, along with relationship tips to keep the bride and groom sane and still in love!

Even though we are all about the marriage, rather than the wedding (that is the relationship rather than the ceremony)... well, we just can't help ourselves.

But we hope it helps you!

It will guide you through the steps of finding a reception hall, sending wedding invitations, finding a wedding dress, deciding on menu, choosing readings... Don't forget your marriage license! Phew, there's a lot to it! Are you sure you don't just want to elope?

Another route is to hire a good wedding planner to do a lot of this stuff for you. If he or she knows their way around they can save you a bundle. We've got an article on wedding savings in our premarital library, by the way, in which Darsi makes just that point. But even if you do go that route, you'll still find our checklist keeps you thinking about the relationship.

But back to the wedding planning checklist
It is available as a bonus for subscribers when you sign up for our marriage preparation program.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Celebrate Earth Day with your Sweetie!

2008-04-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

Fun things you can do as a couple to help save the planet:

plant a garden and grow your own fruits and veggies - it can be fun getting dirty together!
take a shower together afterward - strictly for water saving purposes, of course!
tuck away the car keys and take a bike ride together - take an organic picnic, or go out for fair trade coffee somewhere
check out a farmers market in your area and buy local goods -you get to stroll around hand in hand and feel closer to you community
consider purchasing carbon credits to offset your lifestyle
educate yourselves by reading articles and books and sharing your ideas. Watching movies together (like An Inconvenient Truth) is a great idea , too, or you could join a community environmental group as a couple.
switch your household cleaning products to a greener option - read labels
if you are getting married plan a green wedding - (yes, the bride can still wear white if she wants to!)
turn the heat down and snuggle up!
turn the AC off and take your clothes off!

Just a few humble suggestions of ways couples can make the planet a better place from CouplesQuestions.com. Be gentle with our Earth. It's the only on we have.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Fatherly Angst

2008-04-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

I sent my daughter off to her first rock concert tonight.

I had to catch a flight, so wasn't there to chaperone. Lord knows what shenanigans she could get up to! Lord knows what bad seeds she might run into.

On the other hand, she's only three and it is The Wiggles. Maybe I should relax.

- Dan

Sex and Money

2008-04-19T18:45:00.001-07:00

I'm not saying they necessarily go together...

But they happen to be the topics of the two newest articles in our growing library.

They are kinda how-to ish: how to have better sex, how to make better financial decisions. So they sort of go together.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

As featured in Flare

2008-04-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

The May issue of Flare hit the newstands today and we're in it!

The article is quite an in-depth piece on the value of premarriage discussions for couples. It's well worth reading. (There will be a companion piece on the Flare website in a few days as well.)

Oh, and did I mention we're in it?

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Marriage Compatibility Test

2008-04-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

If you are thinking about getting married, proposing, popping the question, getting down on one knee... but aren't quite sure you are compatible...

Our new marriage compatibility test can help.

All you need is an e-mail address. Click here to sign up.

It's free. And we even have a small thank you gift at the end.

We still think that premarriage counseling or marriage education is vital, of course. Even if you are already the most compatible couple in history, you'll benefit. Study after study after study has proven how valuable marriage preparation programs are.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Earth Hour a personal success

2008-04-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

We had fun!

We sat in a candle lit living room and watched the world go by. There were all kinds of people out, enjoying the dark. Many would wave; we'd wave back. And most of our neighbours got into the spirit as well.

It wasn't really that dark, by the way. Every second street light was out, though, and the gas station across the street turned off its big sign. Most times, you can probably see that sign from Mars. It's pretty bright.

Anyway, we'll be taking part next year. And on our own from time to time.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Earth Hour

2008-03-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight, with millions of other people, we'll be taking part in Earth Hour.

For us, it'll be quiet and romantic. The kids will be in bed, so we can't go out for a walk (much as I'd like to see the city when its well and truly dark).

Earth Hour is not really about saving any energy, but rather about community and shared purpose. These are things we generally like.

(We also really liked Google's 'light out' look today.)

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Am I too young to get married?

2008-03-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

How old are you? How old is your partner? Are you or your partner under the age of 25?

There is no magic age to get married. Younger couples and older couples alike can have very happy and successful marriages. However it must be stated that, on average, couples that get married under the age of 25 are significantly more likely to get divorced than their older counterparts. Statistics show the younger you are when you marry, the more likely you are to split up. After 25, the effect levels off.

It is not difficult to imagine why those who marry young have a harder time staying together. Those under 25 will likely have varying degrees of immaturity and lack some of the emotional development and communicative skills required in a successful serious relationship.

Also, many younger married couples are tying the knot for the wrong reasons. Perhaps an unplanned pregnancy, perhaps a desire to leave the family home and a chance to be “grown up”, or perhaps it just seem like the right thing to do because you really love the other person. It also might be the case, especially for many younger women, that they are caught up in the fairytale ideal of being a bride and a wife.

If you are under 25, we consider that to be a bit of a red flag for possible trouble down the line. We recommend three possible actions to give yourselves a greater chance at success in marriage:

Wait a few years before getting married, if possible. If you are in love enough to get married, a year or two more shouldn’t matter.

Hold off on having children for the first few years. That will give you invaluable time to enjoy yourselves as a couple, before the demands of parenting. Actually, this is good advice for most couples. But the younger you are, the more freedom you have before the biological clock starts ticking.

Do some kind of marriage preparation through your church or temple or synagogue, with a counselor, or through our online marriage preparation program.

At the very least, ask yourself this (and be honest): What is the rush? Am I really getting married for the right reasons? You deserve the best relationship and the best life possible.

Make your decisions wisely.

How do I find a pre marriage course or counseling?

2008-03-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

Our first recommendation is always to go with an accredited counselor. The AAMFT has a searchable list of marriage therapists for the US and Canada.

It's worth asking around for recommendations from people you know. You might start with your wedding planner or whoever will be performing your wedding ceremony. Ask anyone you know who got married in the past few years, as well. Also, ask any happily married couple that you think of as a role model -- even if they are not recently married, they may know someone or have heard of someone.

Your place of worship may also have a program or someone that they suggest. Classroom marriage preparation is often offered through community centres or continuing education programs.

One thing you should be aware of is that courses are often given by churches who are trying to attract people back into the fold. That is fair enough and might be to your benefit -- hey, they are not going to entice you back to church if they put on a crappy program! But if that doesn't appeal to you, then ask the question before signing up.

Lastly, there are a number of online options, including us of course (if you don't want to go the counselor route).

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you

2008-02-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

What is love? I didn't write these but thought they were worth sharing. Slow down for a few minutes and read What Love Means to a 4-8 year old . . .

Love is...

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

It's good to have a plan for the rough patches...

2008-02-23T16:29:00.000-08:00

...And there will be rough patches.

If you are getting married it is REALLY important to talk over how you are going to handle the bumps in the road that you will experience during your life together. And we really recommend having these talks BEFORE you hit the bumps...it will make them easier to bear if you have a plan.

As a couple, talk about the "what ifs" and go through hypothetical situations to see how you might handle problems together. Hopefully, these situations will never come to pass, but at least the doors of communication will be opened for when problems arise.

Talk about how the two of you might handle the following:

What if you want to have children but discover you have difficulty conceiving?
What if one of you loses your job?
What if you are faced with looking after aging parents?
What if a drug or alcohol dependency becomes an issue?
What if one partner gains a great deal of weight?
What if one partner is transferred to a different part of the country or overseas?

This whole issue has come to the forefront for us lately as we have friends who are struggling with some difficult issues in their relationship. Their current trouble may have been made easier to handle had they discussed the situation early on in their relationship, but it was "something we never talked about" and now it's a big deal. A very big deal.

Your relationship is worth it. Talk it out before you tie the knot and have a plan for when trouble hits.

For these and other types of premarriage discussions, take advantage of a premarriage course in your area or go to CouplesQuestions.com for a full, private, online marriage preparation program. You will be glad you did.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

What is Love Sickness?

2008-02-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

Ever wondered about the chemistry of romance and falling in love?

Maybe not. Who wants to think about anything but your beloved during those early days of adoration and irresistibility, right? But when you, the thinking romantic, come up for air you may be interested to know that a fairly involved array of chemicals sets to work as we find ourselves in strongly attached to another. And, that over time those chemicals shift and change as more from the heady days of excitement and infatuation and we move into the more comfortable, secure phase of a relationship.

Whether you are getting married or have been so for years you probably already have a sense (or experience) of these shifts and changes to your relationship on an emotional level. Now we are gaining a greater understanding of what is happening during these stages of love at at the physical level.

Interested in a little human biochemistry lesson for the amorous phenomenon? Nicole Tomlinson of the CBC has written a very accessible article in which she examines the complex emotions of infatuation, passion and devotion and ponders whether they really boil down to a series of chemical reactions. A very interesting read.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

"Chore"play: The new porn for women

2008-02-21T16:09:00.000-08:00

Looking for some of that good, good loving, guys? Well, get out the rubber gloves and scrub brushes because a new study reveals that "men who do dishes get more kisses".

In a recent article by Misty Harris, any over worked gal has finally got a bit of extra incentive to encourage their male counterparts to help out more around the house. Harris reports that a poll of 1300 moms by Parenting Magazine shows that 15% of women are turned on by seeing their partner pitch in with the chores. As well, there is evidence given by the American Journal of Public Health that there is a "significant association" between a wife's emotional health and how much housework is done by her husband. Furthermore, a 2006 study done by sociologists in the US said found that "husbands who help around the house are more attractive to their wives".

This whole concept is illustrated in books and calendars (see pic) from the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative series "Porn for Women". Though undoubtedly meant, at least in part, tongue in cheek, these pictures really do get many women excited and ready for a romp.

Why might this be? In a nutshell, Harris tells us that some researchers surmise that when male partners help out with the housework it

on a basic level, frees their partner's energy up to engage in sexual activity (a tired woman is far less likely to be interested)
on a deeper level, is interpreted by women as showing a deeper commitment to the relationship
helps the woman to feel that her husband understands and respects what life is like for her (presumably especially in the child raising years when the job of the at home caregiver is more all encompassing than any paying job)

So now you know.

Doing more household chores = happier, more relaxed wife = better sex.

Now get out those vacuum cleaners, boys!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

It's better here

2008-02-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

Wherever here is.

For us, it is the Fairfield neighbourhood. We have been planning to finish our basement so that Dan's parents can move in with us. We have also been looking at selling this house and buying another that would do the trick without the hassle and risk of a major renovation.

What holds us back from moving is that we love our house and we really love the neighbourhood. Really, it's the neighbours. They're great.

Giving them up seems like a much bigger risk than renovating 60 year-old plumbing!

Seems that we are not alone in thinking this way, though. According to a study (Toth, Brown, and Xu 2002) published in "The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy Families":

People who are highly satisfied with their neighborhood are 25% more likely to be highly satisfied with their family life.

Now it could be that happy families beget better neighbors, too. Either way, we don't want to mess with success.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Airplane Emergency

2007-12-04T07:05:00.000-08:00

We were several thousand feet above the Strait of Georgia when trouble hit.

It's funny. I was composing a blog in my head during the flight, because it was too bumpy to read. But it wasn't going to this one.

I fly a lot for work, mostly in Twin Otter floatplanes to Vancouver and back. I was thinking the flights were a metaphor for marriage: fabulously exotic at first, then routine and comfortable. But if you look for it or if something out of the ordinary happens, you realize that flying amongst the mountains and islands is pretty magical.

Anyway, smoke wafting from the instrument panel put an end to that line of thought. I was sitting right behind the pilot and co-pilot, alone in the first row. I was hoping that no one behind me could see the smoke. I didn't want them to worry unnecessarily. Turns out they could all see it.

The flight crew were pretty calm. Actually, they always have a really laid back, but professional air about them. But I could see that they were trying to figure out what was up.

The smoke abated. I decided it must have been condensation in the heaters. And the sun was sparkling off the water. It was breathtakingly beautiful, especially after the freezing rain and turbulence we'd just flown out of.

The crew were still watching the gauges pretty closely, though. I don't know much about flying, but I can read as well as anyone. And several gauges had gone from green to yellow.

Just as we hit Active Pass, things got scary. The smoke started again. We flew into more rain, with slushy ice building up on the edges of the windscreen. It was bumpy and you could hear the wind howling outside, which you can't normally. The co-pilot throttled back on the port engine and it slowed then stopped. It was such a sinking feeling.

Worse was the whine from the other engine as they went to full throttle. I couldn't help wondering how long it could run on full. I hoped it had to be hours and we only needed 20 minutes.

You feel so exposed when something goes wrong in a plane. I kept thinking about World War II aircrews, flying without the safety regimes and emergency crews and GPS and advanced weather forecasting and radar. I especially thought of the guys who had trained in this very area, many of whom died in planes that hit mountainsides during nighttime missions or storms.

The last time I was in an incident on one of the planes (last week, believe it or not), it was over before it began. We aborted take off after being airborne for about two feet.

This was different... we had lots of time to worry.

to be continued...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

Wishing a very happy Thanksgiving to all of our American readers. And special wishes to those who are far from home and family.

- Heather and Dan