Birthing Journey

Self Doubt

2009-11-01T15:58:00.001-08:00

The last few days I have been questioning whether I should go through with this marathon in January. I was signing up to have a goal to get me off the couch. A half marathon I can phone in but a full 26.2 will keep my training honest.

I just don't have the drive the way I did with NY. I don't "want it" the way I did last year. My heart is not in it. Sure things have come up, extreme things, personal and phobias that I am not ready to work through. But I can get through anything. The problem is...I don't want to right now. I don't want running to be yet another stressor. As soon as I start running for time I get stressed and worried and beat myself up for not running in my projected time frame for training.

I want to run faster for the next marathon but I don't know if I can. I compare where I was at this point in NY training and in a few weeks from now then I made my 9 mile PR. I am not even close to holding that for 9 miles now. I can't finish slower than NY and I can't finish in the same time. I HAVE TO cut my time significantly.

I keep returning tot he thought of putting off the marathon and committing to training for a faster 5 or 10K. If I can get my mile down by 2 min I will feel like a "real" runner. But am I just looking for an excuse to drop out? Perhaps because I am burnt out in life in general? perhaps because I cannot for the life of me figure out where I can run without a boatload of anxiety? I can do short distance on the treadmill but it is painfully boring. But I can do a few miles and speed work. Maybe I should spend winter on the treadmill, lifting weights and strengthening my hips and abs? I don't know.

I watched the NYC marathon this morning and was inspired for a while. But when I thought about doing a long run today I couldn't think of where. My options that are relatively snake free are the par course and the treadmill. 6-8 loops around the par course is pretty but monotonous. I want my country road in the valley for that. And long runs on the treadmill seem impossible.

It is really hard to balance the brutality of the trianing with my own phobias. If the snakes hadn't happened I don't think I'd be in this place. But it has brought me to such a place of self doubt, to a depth I never experienced while training for NY.

I'm sleepy. Maybe I wan tto ride my bike. Winter will be here which means rains...

Snakes on a run

2009-11-01T15:37:00.000-08:00

5 weeks after my last post. I embarked on another marathon training. The first three weeks were incredible and my growth was fast. My min mile grew 1 min faster. I was moving right along, working hard. Some personal things beyond control came up and I slowed way down.

I started back up last week and was eager until I had to face my phobia...snakes. I cannot deal with them in any rational way. never have. Never sought therapy..well..beacsue I never really needed to. They didn't interfere with my daily life. Now they have. I was on a run an I saw not one but three dead ones on my road in less than a 1/4 mile. ridiculous and completely unacceptable. Okay, so I won't run there. But why were they out in late Oct? I am prepared to face one in the summer. I expect to see one cross my road yet NEVER have in the 2 yrs I have been running.

So James goes with me on my long run in the valley. We run on the opposite side of the road where I saw the snakes previously. I get past the point where I saw the last one, take a breath of relief and shit! there is fresh dead one right at my feet. I panic. I can't do this! Why? James get me past it and we continue. The whole 13 miles I am reminding myself to breathe. Relaxation was a joke. I am about to jump out of my skin at any moment. Finally after 4 miles of no snakes in sight I let my guard down again. I am running faster enjoying this spot...my favorite and there is another dead one and it was big. I scream from a place deep down and run as fast as I can past it cursing every step of the way. I did it! Great. I did it but at this point I have no more energy inside to deal with more. Now I am heading out to the flats, the sun. Where they may be alive and sunning themselves. Dead is hard enough...I cannot handle live ones. Just drug me now.

I hit a wall and cry. I can't turn back. It's a loop and I know damn well there are 2 snakes on my path behind. Maybe there are none ahead of me but I doubt it. Nature is playing a cruel joke. I have run this loop so many times. I have run through grassy paths, country roads, next to lakes and never spotted one. Yet in the last week I have now seen 5. And one more in town in a residential area on a walk...that's 6. I move on and find some strength inside. Only 8 more miles to go. I run. My pace is horrible.

Near the end of my run on the path where there were no snakes on the way out I pick up my pace and finally let go of the fear that haunted me in the last 12 miles. I finish strong. then I worry where will I run my next long run? It was the most emotionally hellish run of my life.I don't know where I will run? Places I thought were safe, like neighborhoods in town are not. In fact I saw another last night while I went with the kids trick or treating.

So I ran the par course where there really should be lots of creepy snakes. But no cars for them to get smashed so I hope they stay in their space in the grass and I can keep mine on the trail. I really thought they were gone once it got cold here.

The Second Marathon journey

2009-09-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

James and I will be running the Carlsbad marathon Jan 24 TOGETHER. I ran NYC last year and he ran DC last March. It will be fun to start together and compare experiences on the same path. The kids talked us into it because there is a 1 mile kids' fun run in ...... Legoland on Saturday AND Grandma lives nearby.

I am still a little hesitant. Not sure if any marathon will measure up to the NY. Not sure if I really am ready to go through training again. The training is far more brutal than the marathon. Even though I did this once before there is still the unknown, the fear of "failure."

At the same time this is an opportunity to run like a "real" runner. I'm slow, I'll admit. VERY VERY slow. I trained for distance last time and I completed the whole 26.2 miles...slowly but intact. This time I dream of cutting an hour off my finish time or more realistically 30 min. I want to learn to let go emotionally at mile 15 and then move on. I want to internalize David Goggins' attitude of every morning taking a "suck it up pill" to get through the hard training I will need to do to successfully run faster. I want to build my mental stamina further. I want a stronger core. I want to lose a few pounds and actually look like a real runner.

I have completed almost the first week of an 18 week training plan with 3 days of speed work incorporated into the running. It's been hard. today especially running in the heat. Tomorrow is my first long run. 10 miles. That used to be nothing a year ago when I was training for NY. We'll see what I say tomorrow morning. I have 119 more days....

Israel uses white phosphorus in Gaza

2009-01-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

By JASON KEYSER, Associated Press Writer Jason Keyser, Associated Press Writer – 54 mins ago

JERUSALEM – Human Rights Watch said Sunday that Israel's military has fired artillery shells with the incendiary agent white phosphorus into Gaza and a doctor there said the chemical was suspected in the case of 10 burn victims who had skin peeling off their faces and bodies.

Researchers in Israel from the rights group witnessed hours of artillery bombardments that sent trails of burning smoke indicating white phosphorus over the Jebaliya refugee camp in northern Gaza. But they could not confirm injuries on the ground because they have been barred from entering the territory.

The chief doctor at Nasser Hospital in southern Gaza said he treated several victims there with serious burns that might have been caused by phosphorus. He said, however, that he did not have the resources or expertise to say with certainty what caused the injuries.

The substance can cause serious burns if it touches the skin and can spark fires on the ground, the rights group said in a written statement calling on Israel not to use it in crowded areas of Gaza.

Military spokeswoman Maj. Avital Leibovich refused to comment directly on whether Israel was using phosphorus, but said the army was "using its munitions in accordance with international law."

Israel used white phosphorus in its 34-day war with Hezbollah in Lebanon in 2006. The U.S. military in Iraq used the incendiary during a November 2004 operation against insurgents in the city of Fallujah.

An AP photographer and a TV crew based in Gaza visited Nasser Hospital in Khan Younis on Sunday and recorded images of several burn patients.

One of them, Haitham Tahseen, recalled sitting outside his home with his family in the morning when something exploded above them.

"Suddenly, I saw bombs coming with white smoke," said the man, whose burned face was covered with medical cream. "It looked very red and it had white smoke. That's the first time I've seen such a thing."

His cousin, in another hospital bed, was more severely burned, with patches of skin peeling off his face and body, and had to be wrapped with thick white bandages.

The hospital's chief doctor, Youssef Abu Rish, said the burns were not from contact with fire, but he couldn't say what sort of substance caused them. He said information he collected on the Internet indicated it could have been white phosphorus.

White phosphorus is not considered a chemical weapon, and militaries are permitted under laws of warfare to use it in artillery shells, bombs and rockets to create smoke screens to hide troop movements as well as bright bursts in the air to illuminate battlefields at night.

Israel is not party to a convention regulating its use. Under customary laws of war, however, Israel would be expected to take all feasible precautions to minimize the impact of white phosphorus on civilians, Human Rights Watch said.

"What we're saying is the use of white phosphorus in densely populated areas like a refugee camp is showing that the Israelis are not taking all feasible precautions," said Marc Garlasco, a senior military analyst for the rights group. "It's just an unnecessary risk to the civilian population, not only in the potential for wounds but also for burning homes and infrastructure."

Garlasco was among researchers on a ridge about a mile (1.5 kilometers) from the Gaza border who observed the shelling from a 155mm artillery unit on Friday and Saturday.

Some of the burning trails of smoke caused fires on the ground that appeared to go out after a few minutes, said Garlasco, who formerly worked at the Pentagon where he was in charge of recommending high-value targets for airstrikes during the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Each 155mm shell contains 116 of what Garlasco described as wafers doused in phosphorus that can be spread over an area as large as a sports field, depending on the height at which it detonates. The phosphorus ignites when it comes in contact with oxygen.

Human Rights Watch has not been able to confirm whether there have been any civilian casualties from phosphorus. The group has a consultant working for it inside Gaza but he has been unable to move around due to the danger. Foreign journalists have also been barred from entering Gaza.

Garlasco said photos published Thursday in British newspaper The Times showed Israeli units handling American-manufactured white phosphorus shells with fuses on them.

Will you help us buy a NY Times full page ad on Gaza?

2009-01-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

Will you help us buy a full page ad in the NY Times calling
for a cease fire and for president-elect Obama to call for an
international conference to once and for all provide a settlement to the
Israel/Palestine conflict and to create peace with all Israel's neighbors?

Even if you don't have any money, you can sign the ad. But it
will only become an ad if we can raise about $60,000,and that will take us
little people stretching our pocket books far beyond our normal
capacities. Could you donate $1,000? $500? $300? $100? $50? $25? Whatever
you can afford would be important and helpful.

You can read the text of the ad by clicking on the link at the
left hand side of the www.tikkun.org home page and then following links
from there to the plain text, or to see what it would look like as a full
page ad. You can sign up and donate there. Or you can send a check to
Tikkun or your credit card info (including expiration date and security
code) to Peace Ad, c/o Tikkun, 2342 Shattuck Ave, Suite 1200, Berkeley,
Ca. 94704. Or you can call in your credit card info to Kay@tikkun.org: 510
644 1200 9-5 Pacific Standard Time.

Timing is everything-we need to move as quickly as possible.
Send this request to everyone on all of your email lists, PLEASE. Remind
them that even if they don't have a penny to their names, they can still
sign the ad at www.tikkun.org.

Many thanks for your continued support. Together we are
already making a difference!

Love and blessings,

Michael

Rabbi Michael Lerner
RabbiLerner@ Tikkun.org

Palestine

2009-01-04T18:48:00.000-08:00

This is what I think about when I read about what is happening this week in Palestine...

Palestinians react outside Shifa hospital in Gaza City, after hearing the news that their loved one was killed during the Israeli army operation in Gaza, Sunday Jan. 4, 2009. Israeli ground troops and tanks cut swaths through the Gaza Strip Sunday, bisecting the coastal territory and surrounding its biggest city.(AP Photo/Ashraf Amra)

A Palestinian medic carries a child, injured during the Israeli army operation in Gaza, into Kamal Adwan Hospital in Beit Lahiya, northern Gaza Strip, Sunday, Jan. 4, 2009. Israeli ground troops and tanks cut swaths through the Gaza Strip early Sunday, cutting the coastal territory into two and surrounding its biggest city as the new phase of a devastating offensive against Hamas militants gained momentum.(AP Photo/Fadi Adwan)

A Palestinian girl cries during the funeral of her brother who was killed after an Israeli air strike in the northern Gaza Strip January 4, 2009.(Ismail Zaydah/Reuters)

No such word as "can't"

2008-11-01T05:18:00.000-07:00

There’s no such word as can’t.

This was the mantra my brother and mother instilled in me in early childhood. If I ever said “I can’t” my family would immediately correct me and tell me there was no such word. Of course, as a kid I would intellectualize that and argue back that there was in fact such a phrase that existed in the English language. Still, it stuck with me. Perhaps that is why I am so headstrong and oppositional today. That is what will allow me to finish this marathon. Not so much fitness but really stubbornness.

I was born with a mild case of cerebral palsy (CP) so I spent the first 4 years of my life in intensive physical therapy, speech therapy, the orthopedist’s office and in Cardinal Glennon children’s hospital in St Louis. Ironically -- all very positive memories. Physical therapists still hold a very warm spot in my heart. I ambulated at home with my arms and butt scooting everywhere as my feet were in shoes attached to a board. My family told me stories of my climbing out of my crib with this board attached. Again stubbornness. No one is making me stay in this crib! Though as mother it makes me cringe to think of what could have happened! My mother and brother spent so much time with me, teaching me, getting me to walk and be normal. By about 4 1/2 I was normal- walking without devices and talking up a storm. The only thing different was I was not much of an athlete. That was what was left of the CP according to my mother. I could not run like the other kids.

I have been struggling with self doubt this week and forgetting my roots, forgetting how much I really did train.

I forgot that there is no such word as can’t.

My mother is no longer here. I wish she could see her daughter run this marathon. I’m sure the contrast between a 3 year old attached to a board and a grown woman finishing a 26.2 mile running course would be astounding to her. I hold onto this as I enter this marathon tomorrow.

There’s no such word as can’t.

In exactly 7 days I will be finishing....

2008-10-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am going through the anxiety just letting it flow. I woke up last night at 3am after several marathon dreams/nightmares. One where I missed the start because I was still in CA time and became confused about the time change. The other I forgot my gels and had no water or nutrition. As I sit here and chat with my best friend in St Louis watching NYC marathon videos, I am feeling more inspired. This will be the biggest party ever in the best city ever. I have my gels, more than enough! I bought some arm warmers. Just need the thrift store items and words of encouragement.

http://inmotion.magnumphotos.com/essay/marathon07?lg=popup

above is a neat photo journal of a marathon runner's experience.

9 days?

2008-10-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Really? That's what the NY marathon emails I receive said today. Tapering has been nice. I still worry but am letting go of that. I guess it's all normal.
Now it's down to the final planning--

Download music for my mp3-I have a list
Get some thick, warm clothes at the thrift store that I can donate on the race. We will spend about 3 hours on Staten Island freezing before the race starts.
Get more Powergel (strawberry/banana)
Put rubberbands on my running belt for gels and try it
Pack bag of warm clothes for after race party
Fundraise!
Email supporters with an update
Laminate little words of support received from friends and family and picture of my kids-making something I can read/see when I hit mile 15
Hydrate
Carbo load
stretch

17 days (the confidence is waning)

2008-10-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

until I run 26.2 miles with 39,000 of my closest friends. I ran 24 miles 2 weeks ago. I was thrilled. I didn't think I could do it but I did. Since then I have been recovering. It has been longer and more challenging than I had anticipated. I thought I could throw down another 20 miler 2 weeks later but no way. Each day is getting easier. I am doing some myofascial release work to get move more water to my muscles. I am in taper weeks. I run about 5 miles every day to every other day. I am hoping to do something a little longer. It's hard because I am so anxious. I am so afraid I cant do the race. What if I lose my conditioning? I lost about a week after that long run due to severe pain in my lower leg and overall muscle fatigue. It was supposed to be my last high milage week before taper. So my confidence is low. 5 mile runs feel hard. How will 26.2 feel? I'll do it htough. I always do.

Below is my expericne running the 24...

My plan was 22 miles but if I did 4 full laps around it would be 24, so why
not? I was beginning to feel doubt at my ability to do this marathon. 20
was hard, how could I do 6 more? Well I could. I could do as many more
as I needed. The first 6 were challenging. Once I was settled the next 6
were quite fun. I enjoyed seeing many runners and bikers in the park,
rain and all. These were the marathon runners doing exactly what I was
doing. It was inspiring and intimidating. The 3rd set of 6..well another
story. I have learned that I hit the wall at about mile 15 since I
started running over 15 miles. That day 15.5. I just couldn’t do it. I
walked up a hill, sat on a rock and cried my eyes out. I needed
something, some sort of inspiration. Some divine intervention because
there was nothing left inside. Why was I doing this? I’d like o say I
thought of the children at the camp but I didn’t. I was so beat up I
could barely think just feel. I cried and cried until nothing was left.
I took a deep breath and just started running. I felt a huge release and
I was ready to go.

It was my final 6 miles. And that went by fast. I was the most
determined I had been in a long time. I have not felt this strong for
months. I was going to do it. I was NOT going to stop. Mile 19—the
spot where most runners hit the wall. I was happy and cruising. I was
past my wall. I was listening to music singing along. The rain was
coming down and it felt great. I love this park! Mile 20..only 4 more,
not even a 10K. mile 22, I’m doing it. Holy cow I AM doing it! I only
have 2 more then I am done. 23 and the last mile is uphill, one of the
hardest and longest in the park. I do it, no problem. It’s tiring, my
legs are slowing down but I tell myself to keep going. Just keep
running….just keep running… and there it is. 24.00 miles.
I stop.
I did it!
I hurt…oh my gosh do I hurt. I think I need to run more because it
hurts too much to walk or stop. Pacing back and forth trying to figure
out what to do with these pulverized legs of mine. How about a drink,
fig bar or a gel or something? I stumble to the park bench and sit for a
few minutes. Sitting feels good but not for long. Then I remember that I
must stretch no matter what or I will never make it home. I stretch, eat
and hobble to my car.
I did it.
I ran 24 miles.
I will finish this marathon no problem.

24 days until the NYC Marathon

2008-10-08T05:13:00.001-07:00

And I am feeling this little panic deep inside.

I have my wave start time, my number and should be receiving my card in the mail next week.

Yikes.

Paul Newman - an inspiration to us all

2008-09-28T04:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after my longest run (24 miles)...quite significant, I learned of Paul Newman's death. I am deeply saddened. Please take a moment to read below about what an inspiration this has been. He truly lived his heart. Something I aspire to do.

The Association of Hole in the Wall Camps joins the Newman family,
friends and fans in celebrating the life and legacy of Paul Newman.

For more than 20 years, Paul Newman has been the heart and soul of Hole in the Wall Camps. His endless passion coupled with his selfless commitment to the welfare of children living with serious medical illnesses has been inspirational to people everywhere. Paul’s boundless enthusiasm for life and his vigor for helping those less fortunate were enormous and touched lives throughout the world. The Association of Hole in the Wall Camps is part of his living legacy that will continue to thrive. Paul’s leadership, compassion and motivational spirit can never be replaced, but he has left us strong and confident. Through the many camper smiles we witness each and every day, Paul’s dream lives on.

A Tribute To Our Founder
click here

To honor Paul's commitment, devotion and passion for the family of camps

click here

Our family of camps

Click here to Learn More

Sarah Palin

2008-09-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

Let's remember that she wanted rape survivors to pay for their own rape examination kits!

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, wrote the following about Sarah Palin.

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler

September 5, 2008

20 miles and going...

2008-09-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Sunday I ran 20 miles. It was hard but not miserable. I left at 5am and loved how quiet the main road was. It's usually a busy road alongside a shopping mall near a parkway on and offramp. There was no one on the road. Serenity in the city. The first 10 miles were hard. I started out too fast. The second not so bad. I have been experimenting with nutrition with gels, candy and sports drink. the gels are not pleasant but do the job. I really like the gatorade powder packs straight.

By mile 15 I got stressed about time. I needed to be back in time for James to get to church. It was his first day up front and I was NOT going to miss that. I had stopped and slowed down a lot. It was really humid. Along with that stress at 15 I hit the wall. Why am I doing this? Man, when I finish this marathon I am done. No more running. And where is the Novocaine? I need Novocaine to numb the pain. And why is that buff guy across the street running so fast, sweating like a pig and still smiling and friendly? Okay, make the music louder, sing with the music. I see the main road where he malls are. Only 3 miles left! I am elated. I turn on Old Country Rd and know this is the final stretch. I inadvertently run faster and after a mile I am hyperventilating. Oh well. Almost home. For the last few miles I have been talking to myself out loud. I realize I past mile 19 and I never hit the mile 19 wall. Guess I saw the wall at 15. Mile 19 was fabulous. I made it home and ran a total of 20.20. The kids came out to greet me. Byron high fived me. Luna asked how many I ran. I tell her 20. She says, "Wow Mom, you are going to finish that marathon!!!" Once when I did 16 she wasn't so encouraging, "Mom, you still have 10 more to go."

I had about 5 min to shower and get out the door to make it to church on time.

We made it about 10 min late. Oh it hurt and I mean hurt to get out of the car. We make it to the balcony in the church and I see James. He sees us and smiles. We didn't miss much. Except that before e arrived James mentor announced to the entire congregation that I ran 20 miles and would be a little late.

Today I did an easy 4-ish mile run. It was great. I have not felt that good in so long. I was honestly getting tired of this. It was a chore that I needed to complete. But tonight was nice. James and I chatted the whole time. I felt good the entire time.

Tomorrow I will run 7 from work to home.

7 weeks til the marathon!

Long Run in Central Park-18 miles!

2008-08-31T14:46:00.001-07:00

Oh I love NY. I hopped on the train to the subway and did a group run in Central Park this morning with Team Hole in the Wall. There were so many others running and cycling in the park---so many shapes, sizes and paces. I completed 18 miles (6 mile loop x3).

It was a far more positive experience than my last two weekly long runs.

The last two I didn't have my hydration and nutrition figured out so by the last 2 miles I was crying and hurting pretty bad. Last week I hit the lowest point of my training and really didn't want to run anymore. I had decided I like up to 15 miles but anything past that was awful. How in the world am I going to do 26.2????? That was the hardest 17 miles (the first half was uphill and I shared 32 oz of water with Byron---not nearly enough). On my last shorter run (9 miles) last Wednesday where I run the speed I'd like to run in the marathon (pace run) I tripped on the sidewalk and landed face first at mile 8. I got scratched up pretty badly and I don't think I broke my nose but it's still sore. I managed to run the last mile after some fussing and encouragement from James. I was afraid to run after that, especially at night and took a few days off.

So today was really nice and brought me back to why I am running and what I love about it.

Sure it hurt by mile 15.5 and sure I wanted to be finished. But I loved taking in the beauty of Central Park knowing that today would be the furthest I have ever run. I got to talk with my Team hole in the Wall trainer for 6 miles. That was fun getting to know her. In two weeks we have another group run at the park. I am going for 20 then.

CA running route pics

2008-08-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am posting the pics from my favortie running route in California. This is a nice rolling 10 mile loop out of town past redwood trees, pastures animals and plants. The last few weeks I was in CA I ran this at 5:30 am. I ran my first 10 miler here with James.

CA running route pics

2008-08-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

CA running route pics

2008-08-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

CA running route pics 1

2008-08-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Animals I met on my old run.

Off to NY!

2008-07-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's time to start our adventure in NY. We move tomorrow. Tonight was my last night of work and it was very heartwarming. My supervisor brought me a cake, goodies and gave me an amazing critical care resource, a coworker made a vegan berry crumble and brought soy ice cream, colleagues gave me chocolate and a really nice encouraging card. And many.... many hugs. What wonderful place this has been. I love being a nurse here. Thanks everyone!

The last two days I have been packing, cleaning and painting so the running took a break. I did have a wonderful 3 mile easy run in the Bay Area along Lake Merritt. Tomorrow I plan to get up really early and do a 10 mile on my favorite route before the drive to San Diego. Last week I did 13 out there and thought it was my last time there. I want to do it once more. I love that spot and hope to capture some pictures along my way.

Running again

2008-07-13T19:00:00.001-07:00

The smoke is clearing but not yet gone. I am able to run outside and along my favorite route in the valley *hooray!* It's hard and I am not sure if I should attribute it to smoke I cannot smell or losing some of my base. Either way I am happy to be out again.

I ran a wonderful 11-miler on the coast in the redwoods again last week. Clear, cool air and spectacular views. My goal was 10 miles but I felt great and kept going. I could have gone further but James and the children finished and would have to wait longer for me.

Today's long run was difficult. I planeed to do 10-12 miles. I ran in the valley too late. It was 90 degrees. I started at 80-85 thinking it would be good to adapt as NY will be so humid. Afterall, I ran and biked last summer in 95 degrees regularly for the triathlon. The distances were shorter though. I learned that I need to slowly adapt to heat as I have grwon accustomed to running in cool temperatures. I bonked 4 miles in and let myself rest, hydrate and cool off. I was energized for 2 more miles, stopped to cool off and rehydrate and continued. I made it past the hills which didn't bother me. Then I bonked again and felt really weird. Not the same as previous runs. No leg pain, shortness of breath, just overall wierd. The sun felt worse and I was desperately looking for some shadows to run through. Any shade was good shade. I saw a car like ours and believed James somehow knew and was coming to get me. It wasn't. I cried and stopped. Only 2 more miles. I called him asking him to come and get me. hearing his voice helped. I decided I would continue running until I saw him. Maybe I could make it to the car before he got here. I stopped once and realized it was easier running as there was a breeze whenI ran and none when I stopped and stood in the beating sun. Wow. It was even hotter there. I saw the sheep and said hello and how I wished I could just lay out there with them under the tree. I saw the car. I knew it was him. I also realized I was starting to lose it. I couldn't run along the straight white line. I felt dizzy. The car was cool and I was happy he came. It hasn't hit me that I essentially gave up today. maybe I will rationalize it was simply too hot at this point.

My "official" training plan begins tomorrow. Funds are coming in and I am meeting my goal of raising 2/3 before I leave for NY. Only a few hundred shy of $2000. My heart fills with warmth from the genrosity of so many.

I am nervous. The NYC marathon is real now and honestly scares me. I have been reading the NY marathon and Team Hole in the Wall websites and everytime I start to well up. I also wonder if I can really do it? I have to.

This week's schedule (26 miles):

M: x-train (swim and weights)
T: easy 3 mi
W: tempo 6 mi
Th: easy 3 mi + weights
F: rest
Sa:easy 6 mi
Su: Long 8 mi

What have I done?

2008-06-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

What have I gotten myself into? The challenge will not be the 26.2 miles but running with a crowd! Here is the NYC marathon inspiration video and a video of the route.

All this smoke

2008-06-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

For most of this month I have been building my running base doing speedwork, hillwork and increasing my distances. The fundraising is fair. Still much more to raise! People who I would never expect are giving which is great. I feel encouraged and proud. So help a kid, PLEASE!!!

Ironically on my last long run I was feeling burnt out. I wanted a break from running and thought long and hard about biking and swimming instead for a few days. i struggled though with worry about what would happen to my base if I skipped more than 3 days. I am at a point now where I can throw down 10 miles with some hills anytime anywhere and not feel like I am going to die. I wanted to move that to 15 miles. I was so close last week.

Next day, we have a devastating lightning storm setting fires to acres and acres in the county. Smoke fills the air. Warnings that NORMAL people are NOT to go outdoors and exercise. Ironically I got my wish for a running break. I hate the treadmill. So I threw my energy into my final assignments for the FNP program hoping to finish early.

That was last week. the smoke continues and worsens. More fires. Shit, we even have our precious things(photo albums) sitting on the sofa in case there is an evacuation warning for our area. Each night after work the air feels clear and I think tomorrow I can finally run. I wake up to smoke filled air, closed windows and a stuffy house. The air looks worse everyday.

Today I realized in my heart that I will probably not run my favorite route far out into the valley past the sheep and miniature horses the remainder of the time we are here (1 month). I looked down the road today and the smoke was thick in the valley. Word is the smoke will take at least a month to clear. I am sad. I am attached ot that route.

I went to the health club and swam 1000 yards today. It felt good. haven't swam (swum?) since winter and felt how strong my legs have become. Last week we did go to the coast where the air is clear and ran a 10K in the redwoods. that was nice. the kids rode their mountain bikes with us and paced us.

I guess I have to redo the training plan. Perhaps some mini triathlons at the health club trying to last on the treadmill as long as I can (I feel like I will die of boredom on that thing) and weekly trips t the coast or long runs.

*sigh*

Let's run the New York Marathon!!!!

2008-05-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do it. I am going to run 26.2 miles in November for Team Hole in the Wall. This is a really amazing camp where in a nurturing carefree, physically safe and medically sound setting, children with serious life threatening illnesses can just be kids. I had seen the ads for this group in Runner's World over the last year and always thought they were an incredible organization. Now I have the honor of running to raise funds to send a child to camp. I need to raise at least $3000 to send one child, free of charge to them, to camp.

You can be a part of this too!
* Make a donation
* Contact your friends, family and coworkers to donate
* Host a fundraiser

In return you will allow a child to go to camp and be part of a marathon experience...my first!

So here is how you can help.
Go to my Team Hole in the Wall
Click "support Cecily"
Make a donation
then have your friends and family donate

NY marathon?

2008-05-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

Just registered for the lottery for entry in the New York Marathon. I'll know mid-June if I get in. After Byron's luck with Escape from Alcatraz, anything can happen. If I can raise $3000 I can race for a charity and be guaranteed admission to the marathon which would be great. I wonder if I can raise that much.

James and I are also looking at the Philadelphia Marathon as well as the Hamptons Marathon. I have been eyeing the Hamptons one for a while. It's a little soon (September) whereas NYC is Nov 3 and Philly is late Nov.

Can't imagine actually doing this!