Cotters In My Tummy

Nerd Certification Revoked

2009-05-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

"Hey, did you know you can change the start-up image on the camera? I just made it so when you push the power button a little bird comes up instead of the stupid Canon logo!"

"Wow, check it out, grid lines on the view screen."

"Hey, what does this 'format memory card' do?"

"Oh, f..............................."

Yes, and that is how I deleted all my TequilaCon photos off my camera. Not only did I fail to upload them after more than a week of being home, I never even removed the card from the camera. God I'm an idiot.

Most are no great loss since enough people have posted their own shots that if I drink a whole beer and squint through my self-pity tears I can almost convince myself I took some of them. However there were some gems that will be lost forever. Most notably the video I took of Brandon straddling Vahid's leg trying to get his boot off. I've done my best to recreate the now vanished moment....

...but it just doesn't have the same effect without Brandon's grunting bulging forehead vein.

Sigh.

The only thing keeping me from full on depression is the fact that I get to be a bachelor this week with KJ being gone at some genius convention. Translation: I have a whole Little Caeser's pepperoni pizza in front of me and am about to indulge in a seriously over-funded vampire/werewolf movie. It remains to be seen though if even with an abundance of free time I'll actually be able to break my posting streak of more than 1 per every two weeks.

TequilaCon'09: Party Crashing is How it's Done

2009-04-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

You can pretty much count on one hand the number of times I've posted in the last 12 months. The logical person would assume thereby that I would not be attending the year's TequilaCon gathering.

WRONG.

Logic has nothing to do with it. Apparently neither does pre-planning since I wasn't even aware I was going until Thursday night.

But then Dave said if I'd come he'd let me sleep in his bunk bed and well...let's face it...who wouldn't take that deal? Plus he kept offering me popsicles, but I'm not sure what that was about.

So now I'm sitting in the Albuquerque ~~Airport~~ Sunport (don't ask) attempting to recall the best party I've ever crashed.

Highlights:

Jenny being so surprised at my arrival that she punched Vahid in the kidney*
Black Dragon Margaritas (it's like Jesus finally heard me and created a 30 proof Mike's Hard Lemonade...and with "Dragon" in the name, no one will ever mock my pansy drinking status again!)
Vahid's black cowboy hat that radiated ultra-sex (yes, ultra-sex).
Brandon's cowboy vest that he tried to convince everyone he didn't bring from home (The truth will set you free).
Custom TC'09 tequila bottles (courtesy of Dave and Vahid)
Discussing the dangers facing EMS workers in the Bronx with NYC Watchdog(who said this conference wasn't educational?).
The DJ at the Catamount (Dance free, little bird...dance free)
Meeting Scott (who according to comrade Brandon (and I quote) "had nothing to do with me starting a blog and who is a filthy capitalist. MOTHERLAND!")

...and the list goes on. Seriously, thank you to everyone who showed up and made TequilaCon'09 such an amazing event. A special thanks to Jenny for putting this together once again, to Dave for twisting my arm and getting me to come (and for the popsicles), and the the TC planning committee as a whole for all their attention to detail that always makes TequilaCon such a kick ass party.

P.S. Thank you also to Santa Fe. Unlike my previous assumption, you are not like a broke-ass version of Arizona.

*I failed anatomy - it could have been his pancreas...or his arm

Stop Laughing At My BBQ and Take It Already

2009-03-30T09:13:00.001-07:00

Seriously, it's not a hard equation.

1. I have a really crappy BBQ
2. I want to get rid of said BBQ
3. I post a comical ad for said BBQ on Craigslist
4. You see comical ad for crappy BBQ and decide "it's worth picking this thing up just for the Lulz!"
5. ~~Profit!~~ No more BBQ!

Don't write me and tell me "hahaha, that ad was teh best!!11!1! I don't need ur sh1tty bBQ though..."

Edit: At least it's getting some play on this blog (warning: floral background imaging will probably scald your retinas.)

...

2009-03-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

Dave and Vahid speak
"New posts or web will shun you"
Truths I know in heart

A Nice Welcome Home

2008-06-29T22:15:00.001-07:00

KJ and I survived our weekend retreat up in the San Juans (pictures and stories tomorrow). Now I'm just sitting her watching the crazy lightning. Any of you other Seattlites seeing this? Pretty freaking cool.

Italia, Che Cazzo!?!

2008-06-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Italy,

I thought we were friends. Compadres. Homies. Amici. I thought we visited, had a few drinks, ate a few calzones, consumed a lot of gelato and called it a vacation. I say nice things about you, you say nice things about me, badda bing badda boom, finito.

Why then do I get a call from MasterCard saying you're trying to treat me like a porca puttana? Eh? Don't tell my I'm full of merde. I got the bank records right in front of me, you stronzo.

*June 23rd - UNIEURO - $906.23
*June 22nd - LIMONI PROFUMERIE - $301.27
*June 22nd - EURONICS - $697.69

So what... I get back to the states and start workin' my culo off just so you can go off and buy perfume, eurotrash home appliances, and electronics? You know what, mangia merde e morte.

P.S. Venice - you smell like shit. I didn't know whether to give you a tic-tac or a roll of toliet paper.

*For translation purposes (nsfw)

A message from KJ

2008-06-22T21:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Dave,
Thank you for the fantastic badge. I am sorry I did not make it to your soiree. I heard good times were had by all.

Sincerely,
KJ

P.S. Remind me next I see you to show you pictures of Dustin waxing his back for our honeymoon. Talk about good blog material.

****I knew giving her the secret email address to my blog was a mistake! - The Management

An Update

2008-06-19T21:56:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna ease back into this blogging thing slowly, but lets just say I've made some technological discoveries that should increase my blogging frequency. More about that later though.

For now all I have to say is this:

To the owners of the house at 9022 30th St.,

Thank you. Thank you for verbally accepting what was our tippy-top offer on your cute little two bedroom rambler and making us literally jump up and down with disbelief and excitement and then choose to back out of the offer five hours later. Thank you for crushing our faith in decency. I know you had every right to do so, but you yourselves must have also known that somewhere, two twenty-something first time home buyers would got to bed that night close to tears.

I hope the extra $5000 was worth the price of your word.

This is what 26 looks like

2008-05-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

(notes are on the Flickr page)

God I'm old.

Skanky Me

2008-05-19T00:00:00.001-07:00

I'm over whoring myself out at Kevin's blog today.

I've Lost All Shame

2008-05-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

You knew this day would come. But honestly, if this doesn't make you love John Mayer...you're just a hater whose shriveled cold heart can't feel love anymore. True words.

The Madre

2008-05-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Every child thinks that their mother is the best in the world and I am surely no exception (although you wouldn't know it since I'm posting this a day late). I think I am a little different though in the things that come to mind when I think of how awesome my mom really is.

For example most people conjure up memories of sweet sixteen gifts or heart felt talks or maybe even lessons in tough love as proof that their mother is far and away the greatest person walking the face of the planet. Don't get me wrong, I've got lots of those memories too and each of them I hold dear. However, those don't really speak to the sheer coolness of my mom.

I remember the time she let me and my sister stay up "late" one night and watch the two hour premier of DuckTales the series and made us chocolate milk shakes with real chocolate ice cream (when you're five, that is a big freakin' deal).

I remember the summer we were living in Alaska while she was working at a Museum. One night we went to video store, but instead of going home she took us to the Museum's movie theater and I got to see Dune for the very first time on a giant screen (that was also the summer of The Jule of the Nile and Romancing the Stone...oh Kim Basinger...::sigh::).

I remember her buying me a giant role of blank news print paper that must have been as tall as I was (read: 4 ft at the time of this memory) and letting me unroll huge lengths of it on the kitchen floor so I could draw for hours.

I remember used Nike shoes, a road trip to Arizona, and million other things that would never end up in an Hallmark card, but that have stayed with me in my hardest times. I remember love. A love strong enough to see a lonely kid through some dark nights when he was missing his father. A love steady enough to keep a chubby adolescent from writing off the world around him despite bullies and unrequited crushes. A love compassionate enough to forgive a headstrong teenager who should have said 'thank you' more than he said 'that's not fair.'

I remember my mother who was and is everything I could hope to be as a parent and a friend.

TequilaCon '08: Late to the Party...As Usual

2008-05-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

So it's like more than a week since TequilaCon and I'm just now getting around to posting. We can all feign shock and surprise, but lets be honest...you know this is how I roll. The nice thing about doing my recap so late is that I can see what everyone else left out of their recounts.

For instance I'm pretty sure that nobody wrote about how Jennie and Abigal spent half the night and $23 in singles convincing the "DJ" to play the music we wanted (Oasis, Styx, Seal, you know...the good shit). I say "DJ" because this guy was really just a dude with a lap top, some nasty hat hair, and an over-sized pair of head phones. Plus his gig is at a bowling alley...I'm gonna give that one a second to sink in. To Jennie and Abigal's credit, they managed to tolerate this guy and actually get him to play some cool stuff where as I would have eventually flogged him into submission with my sexy flare adorned lanyard.

I'm also pretty sure no one really commented at length on Kat's uncanny skill at Big Buck Hunter. I've never been so intimidated by someone holding a plastic bright green half sized shot gun shooting digital cow shit. Seriously though, it was like Natural Born Killers up in there.

I could go one, but it would just be delaying the inevitable. And what is this inevitable thing? Why me dancing drunk in a giant tequila bottle costume of course...

Seriously, TC '08 was a total blast ya'll. Special thanks to Dave2 for letting me shack up with him (again). To Vahid for letting me steal the covers. To Sandra for splitting a plate of sliders with me again (I smell a tradition forming). And a huge thank you to Jenny for keeping the dream alive - no one rocks a blog party like the mistress of curl. This one goes out to you....

TequilaCon '08

2008-05-04T13:09:00.001-07:00

Still alive (although my liver can't claim the same).

Pictures to come.

Videos to come.

Less hungover commentary to come.

Me Harassing Other Bloggers

2008-04-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Not being content to harass only my own readers, I decided to interview Scott over at Under Construction in hopes of also offending his viewers as well.

I'd say by the David Bowie and Mick Jagger photo as well as excessive Muppet inquiries, I was successful.

TequilaCon Just Got A Whole Lot More Interesting

2008-04-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

Some mothers are just that cool. More pictures here.

Oh I'm Sorry, I Thought It Was..Ya Know...Spring

2008-04-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

Or maybe Snow is the new Daffodil...

Friction Hates Sexiness

2008-04-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

I bought me some crazy hot shoes last week. Like the kind of shoes that when you wear them you get the feeling that even Jesus is looking down and saying "Damn son, nice shoes."

They're that sexy.

The problem is that they are so sexy that even the laws of physics are jealous. You see even the soles of these shoes radiate absolute beauty (i.e. they have no traction). This presents me with a problem in that the friction I need to walk refuses to have anything to do with the new hotness that are my shoes...

So what the hell do I do now? Someone told me I should put masking tape on the bottoms to help with the grip. Another someone advised me to find a nice rough curb and go scuff up the bottoms until they weren't so slippery. Right...and while I'm at it I'll go use a crayon on the Mona Lisa and three hole punch the Magna Carta. I'm going to choose to believe that these people were so overcome with envy for my uber yummy foot wear that their brains ceased working which resulted in the blasphemous suggestions to actually deface the hottest pair of shoes to ever exist. Ever. In the history of all shoes male and female. Through the entire Universe. Yes, even alien footwear that probably allows for simultaneous arch support and cosmic peace with a side of onion rings. These shoes really are better than that. Really.

So Close, And Yet So Far

2008-04-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

Looks like no house for Dustin and KJ.

The sellers took one look at our counter offer and decided to go with the other bid they had received. :( On the one hand I'm glad we stuck our guns and didn't go above the price we'd originally agreed on. On the other hand we both really wanted that house. In the end though I'm pretty sure we've got the best bargaining tool in this market, and that would time. We can afford to wait for new stuff to come on the market and for prices to drop, so in the long run I'm not all that worried.

Still, it was a sweet house.

Thanks for all the warm wishes yesterday.

I Think I've Finally Lost It

2008-04-07T20:58:00.001-07:00

I just offered someone nearly $300,000 for their house.

oh.mah.gawd.

*UPDATE* 8:17am

Realtor just called. Seller wants to verify our lender info. Holy shit, I think this could actually happen.

I repeat (and this time in larger font)

OH.MAH.GAAAWWWWDDDD.

*UPDATE* 3:23 pm

So the sellers put in a counter offer a little while ago which KJ and I weren't too thrilled about. I think we're gonna put in our own counter offer and if they don't like it, we're gonna walk.

Bittersweet

2008-04-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

I had this totally inspiring post all ready about how I actually managed to swing air fare to the east coast which means I am indeed going to be attending TequilaCon'08 in May. However the wind has been chased from my sails by the news that Brandon will not be able to attend this year.

There is not a frowny faced emoticon large enough to convey how this makes me feel.

I will go. I will eat cheesesteaks, and ice cream, and tater tots. And if they don't have tater tots I will tell them to go to hell or at least to Idaho (which is kind of the same thing...except they have tater tots). I will drink. And then I will drink some more, but then someone will remind me that I'm the Rick Astley of inebriation only that no one thinks my one-hit-wonder status is good enough to trick their friends into watching. I will don fake tattoos and smiles.

But at the appointed time I will stop. I will seek my brethern and my sistern and with out curly powers combined, we will pour one out for the homiest of homies. And while the irony of that act won't be lost on us, neither will the meaning of it be lost on him.

Content

2008-04-01T22:45:00.001-07:00

They say that it's not about how many blogs you comment on or how dope your layout is. They say it doesn't matter how you monitor your stats or how risque your flickr badge is. They say no one really gives a damn about your masthead.

They say you just need to have good content.

Kinda like a Field of Dreams for the internet..."Write it, and they will come out of the digital cornstalks of the blogosphere."

My problem is that my standards are too high.

Example 1: I could write about the guy that showed up in gorilla suit and a pink tutu at work today and proceeded to sing a dirty song about his "banana" to a co-worker. Except I didn't get any pictures, so blah.

Example 2: I could elaborate on how Google's April Fools joke about their pairing with Sir Richard Branson to lead a team to colonize Mars would actually be the most bad ass move ever, but that might just come across as more Google worship.

Example 3: I could post pictures from when I had my back waxed pre-honeymoon, but ultimately that's content I don't need to come back and bite me in the left butt cheek 20 years from now when I'm attempting to lecture my children on the importance of internet privacy.

::sigh::

Blogging. Thou art a cruel mistress.

The Gravitational Properties of Jesus

2008-03-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

Remember that box of stuff my mom gifted me with a while back...

...the one with the rolling Jesus action figure....

Yet another reason I'm probably going to hell.

The Post Where I Finally Tell You All About Italy

2008-03-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

The reason it has taken me soooooooooo fantastically long to post about KJ and I's trip to Italy is simply because I've needed like 2 weeks to emotionally recover from the amazingness. That, and I'm lazier than a tortoise on downers.

The Flight
Seattle to Amsterdam is officially the longest ass flight I've ever been on (9 hrs). However, I was amazed at the personal viewing screens for each passenger as well as the on demand movies. Never one to pass up free shit, I managed to watch American Gangster, We Own the Night, AND Enter the Dragon. The other totally amazing thing about the flight was that somewhere over Greenland KJ had me switch seats with her so I could look out the window. I was totally confused why she wanted this since it was the pitch black outside, but then I saw what has to be one of the most stunning things a person can see on this planet. The Aurora Borealis was dancing right off the wing of the plane in these brilliant shades of green. I seriously sat with my nose pressed up against the little plane window for almost 20 minutes. KJ, being from Alaska, didn't mind since she'd seen it plenty, but knew I'd get a kick out of it since I've only told her like eight thousand times that it's on my "Top 10 Things to See/Do Before I Die" list.

Florence
I ate Tortellini in walnut sauce people! WALNUT SAUCE!!! Tell me where in the states you can get something like that?? Florence was amazing. Minus the major and totally unprecedented case of vertigo I got while circling the interior of Il Duomo, our two days there were awesome. Didn't hurt that we found a gelato place within 3 hrs. of arriving that had like 20 different flavors.

Ferrara/Bologna
This is where we got some serious eating done. We even hit up this Greek place that served french fries in their Gyros. We stayed with KJ's younger sister who is studying abroad in Ferrara and then took a day trip into Bologna. KJ was uber excited about this since she had managed to locate Italy's oldest chocolate shop and made it her mission to seek it out.

Being that Bologna is at the heart of Italy's agricultural region, the saying goes that "The best food comes from your mother's kitchen, but the second best food comes from Bologna." After working through the market district and sampling the fresh pasta, I'm in total agreement.

Venice
After three days in Ferrara, we hoped a train to Venice with KJ's sis in tow. We'd arranged to rent a Flat since there would be three of us, but somewhere in the reservation process we must have indicated that we were pygmies...either that or Venetians build some crazy small apartments just to fuck with tourists.

For me, Venice was probably the highlight of the trip simply because it felt the most "Italian." And by that I don't mean smelled like diesel fumes and stagnant poop water (although the case could be made...), but more just in the incredible way the city is constructed with its maze-like passages and seemingly endless canals.

And of course they had gelato there too...

Entire set of Italy photos can be seen here.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye, Like a Jet Lagged Pizza Pie...

2008-03-18T11:28:00.001-07:00

Jet lag sucks balls. But at least I got pictures up.

More to come. promise.