Our Glorious Leader

Epilogue

2008-04-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

We spoke too soon back in September. The intelligent professional was neither and our professional act of removing the inflammatory blog about our unredeemable idiot of a former boss did little good, save to disappoint you readers.

Both Sharkie and I have since been relieved of our positions at the Glorious Company. I was laid off first back in October because my work was being given to a new enemy, The Genius, who graduated from the Instant Graphic Designer School and made every printed piece in Powerpoint. When I mentioned that we used InDesign, the so-called Intelligent Professional who took over as our boss asked Sharkie if we had bought this program with our own money. This was a very bad sign, in my book.

That same day, I was called into the So-Called Intelligent Professional's office where I was told they were cutting my position. Behind my ex-new boss were samples of a billboard that The Genius had designed -- the billboard has so much text that it cannot be read from the freeway by which it stands.

Sharkie was kept on for about five or six months, given all my work and forced to fix The Genius' brilliant pieces. Then Glorious Company decided to screw her over, too.

Meanwhile, Our Glorious Leader is still gainfully employed at our former workplace. I can think of no better parting gift from us to her than to make these anecdotes and examples of extraordinary incompetence available to the public again.

More sweet than bitter.

2007-09-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

Word came down this morning: she's not Our Glorious Leader anymore. Sharkie and I are now under the leadership of an intelligent professional.

She's still around and in the same area so we'll overhear hilariously stupid things worth sharing here, but she can no longer determine whether or not I'll be forced to live on ramen for the next two months. And I don't have to take marching orders from her or argue with her about using adjectives on a marketing piece. (Not just any particular adjectives, but any adjectives, period.)

Let this be a tale of inspiration to others with shitheads for bosses: you can persevere. All it took was patience and the right moment and no longer giving a shit over whether or not we were canned. Oh, and entirely new management that is bent on fixing what's wrong with the company and is smart enough to note that, despite what our ex-Leader would have others believe, we are not what's wrong.

I exercised decorum and refrained from screaming "Woohoo!" or "Suck it, bitch!" Since I received the email telling me I now report to a sane person, I have been quietly smiling. And working, too. I feel like actually giving a shit about my work since I know it won't serve the glorification of an incompetent cunt.

We might have to shut down the blog

2007-08-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

I reached a breaking point today. Perhaps I have been reading too much Emerson and cannot contain my inspiration. I kept thinking about integrity and nonconformity and how I should stand up against the bullshit in my own life and if the consequences are negative then they are consequences for doing the right thing and I can live with that.

So I sent a very important person in the company an email about Our Glorious Leader's unprofessional behavior. I received a very positive response at about 9 pm. She gave me her cell phone number, told me the problem will be rectified and she is meeting with me when she is back in town in a couple days.

She is separating us from Our Glorious Leader!!! <-- there are not enough exclamation points in the world to express my excitement.

Anyway, if you happen to be one of the few coworkers who has this blog url, please keep this a secret.

I may like it rough, but I'm no masochist.

2007-08-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

I've been posting far less than Sharkie lately because, well, I noticed that writing about Our Glorious Leader severely depresses me. There is nothing more I can find humor in, because when it occurs to me that my life is currently in the hands of this very troubled, very incompetent individual who hates me and the company that refuses to acknowledge the benefits to be had in dehiring her, I want to go fetal and cry. And on top of it all, I was screamed at for closing my door about a week or so ago.

I am now seeking other employment and reminding myself it's not worth it to do or say anything to get myself fired. I'll pull the evil shit once I'm walking out the door.

However, that evil shit will not be, say, writing the URL to this blog on my whiteboard. Sharkie can do that.

"hehehehe zOMG" -Shapes

2007-08-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

Our Glorious Leader has a long term plan for the marketing department.

Her beloved data entry team will no longer have work to do in a few weeks because their jobs can and should be done by computers. So instead of letting them go she wants to make up new positions for them. Which positions? OUR POSITIONS.

She claims she is getting these women Adobe trained and they will be instant graphic designers. VIOLA! Good fucking luck. The manager of this soon to be doomed department has trouble using programs like Excel and Outlook but OGL believes she will be a stellar designer because graphic design is easy and any idiot can do it. OGL once claimed that she was going to learn the entire Adobe Suite in 3 weeks.

This future Graphic Design Extraordinaire has asked me to her office regularly to show her AGAIN how to:

-bold something in Excel

-find missing info in Excel (hello tabs!)

-make a new folder in Outlook

-find someone in the Outlook address book

-find an email that she filed incorrectly

-any other pointless task that anyone using MS Office for 3 years (or 3 weeks) should know

I assume that since this genius of computers is a manager in her current department and a good friend of OGL, she will be place ABOVE us lowly design minions.

2007-08-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

Our Glorious Leader is out for the week. Her kissass underling said "OMG it is your first vacation in three years!" I did not mention that she was out for nearly three months last year because she kept granting herself extra vacation because she did not enjoy the ones she had previously taken so they don't count.

me: how was your vacation?
OGL: (groans) OHHHH GOD! Don't even ask!

Then two weeks later she takes another vacation. WTF?

Anyway she is currently on vacation because someone is insane enough to marry her. I just don't get it. He seems like a nice guy.

Simple Tasks, You Overpaid Fuckos!

2007-08-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

Twice this week I have received a screenshot of a pdf in my work email inbox from a higher up. She didn't even bother to crop the fucking thing and sent it over as a bitmap and it's HUGE.

Dear Overpaid Fucko,

Do you really not know how to attach a pdf file?

Love Always,
Underpaid Design Minion

Oh well, not quite as bad as the time I received this.

the truth

2007-08-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

I hope this doesn't make you think less of me...

Our Glorious Leader is especially screechy today. She often sings aloud at her desk, screams random crap throughout the day, and refuses to get up off her ass to say something to someone. She screams it from her desk from across the hall.

Some days, today for example, I just want to walk up to her and smack her in the face and say, "Shut the fuck up you annoying cunt. If you had any idea how stupid and annoying you are you would save yourself the embarrassment and not ever leave the fucking house."

Instead I sit here at my desk wishing they would fire her. They won't. It has gone on this long.

Publical? I wish she said PUBIC!

2007-08-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Our Glorious Leader received a call from Who's Who. They wanted to intervier her for the scam, I mean book. So after listening to her talk for a half hour about how she is really just a scientist afterall she hangs up to brag about how well it went.

OGL: (to her "chat room" buddies) So she asked me if I had ever done any publishal... publiminal... publical... talking in front of people!
Employee: You mean public speaking?
OGL: Yeah whatever, so anyway I told her all about...

Then she went on and on about the awesomeness that is OGL.

It's not her problem!

2007-08-02T08:59:00.001-07:00

Every time someone asks Our Glorious Leader for help or complains about an issue happening in her department she screams, "Not my problem!"

Often Zeeba and I bring up issues before they occur, issues that will save the company tons of money or keep us from having to repeat the same task over and over because it was done incorrectly at her insistence. When we bring these things up it is always the same thing. She responds with attitude and "not my problem!!!"

Lately she has been saying this about issues brought up by other offices. Employees call her asking her for help and she tells them to find someone else to bother. Then she bitches about how stupid they are when she hangs up the phone.

She has started sarcastically saying, "Don't you just love stupid people?" She thinks she is smarter than everyone she meets when really these people are calling with valid issues that she does not understand. Once I was in the kitchen getting my lunch out of the freezer when she stomped in yelling "Don't you just love stupid people?" I muttered, "NO, I do not like you" into the freezer and left the kitchen.

What I want to know is if she is in charge of everything and takes credit for all the work we do even though she has no idea what it is, how is it that all of her fuckups are not her problem?

"I'm cool!"

2007-08-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

The boss likes to remind me that she's only a year older than me (I doubt it) and that she's cool, too. Once I wore a pair of slacks with lacing up the sides and she told me that she used to have a wild and crazy phase, too. I'll bet. I can picture her old debauched lifestyle now, drinking a wine cooler with her girlfriends while watching Sex and the City and staying up till 1.

One of the few perks to working here is the unintended humor that comes from Our Glorious Leader reading the things I write on the whiteboard. She plods through the pronunciation as she tries to comprehend the sum of the syllables, then, upon finishing her recitation, will say, "I don't get it."

We are maintaining a list on a major job here and I had to write something down about Des Moines, so this morning I wrote Des Moines, sucka.

Later, I hear this: "Okay, Des Moines is done... who's Sooka?"

...

It's more funny if you're particularly annoyed with her, I think. But I almost spit coffee on myself. I really didn't expect that one to fly over her head.

We get to review ourselves

2007-08-01T15:44:00.001-07:00

So I did.

Words of Wisdom followed by HOPE

2007-07-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Salad makes me sweat!" -Our Glorious Leader

What?!? She just shared this as she scarfed down her McDonald's "salad."

We have not been posting to the OGL blog because things have reached Mission Critical here. It just isn't funny anymore.

OGL doesn't ever get anything done in terms of work but let's review her ACTUAL accomplishments over the past month.

1. She got an innocent guy fired after he complained to the CEO that she doesn't work.

2. She fired an employee for chatting with a higher up. Remember DON'T GO OVER HER HEAD!

3. She added names to her "Heads on a Fucking Platter to-do list" to include the Director of IT, her new boss, a woman who is prettier than her who got a promotion -->"SLUT!", a campus director, an admissions director and who knows who else. (This is a list of people she claims she is getting fired)

4. Sending out a very poorly written email to all employees in our department about dishes saying they are no longer buying any followed by moving all plates, forks, bowls, and dishes out of the kitchen and into the office of the employees she likes. She continues to buy plates and bowls for them but guess who CAN'T use them? Me and Zeeba. ???

5. Reading her fiance's ex-wife's myspace blog to other employees immediately after bitching out Zeeba for being online during her break.

6. Pissing off a new employee (a few hours later the announcement was made that this lady is OGL's new boss!!!). OGL spent the entire day crying and carrying on. It was a guilty pleasure for me to watch her squirm.

7. Sending out god knows how many emails to higher ups riddled with typos. Here is an example.

"I would appreciate that we discuss this before you cc anyone on this issues.

I need to get in touch with Janie on this matter. This is a JANIE Matter, no for the campus to decide."

Golden!

8. Screaming about punching the Director of IT in the face and calling him names with one of his employees within earshot.

9. CCing her attorney on many of her emails in preparation to sue the company when she is shitcanned.

10. Losing almost all of her responsibilities to higher ups then claiming they took away her tasks so she could have more time to get her work done. Wait, what? Because 6 hours of chatting with the ladies in the neighboring office is just not enough!

11. Getting "bitched out" on almost a daily basis for some random fuck up.

12. Having a screaming fit about people leaving the door to our floor open because she is extremely paranoid and wants to hear people coming.

13. Yelling at the maintenance men when they stopped by to tell her they were working on her AC. THEN calling their boss to complain. They did nothing wrong except sepak to her while she was in a mood to squash people.

--------------------------------------------------

We haven't bought the champagne yet but the good news is that OGL now has a new boss. This new boss comes with a title that OGL often called herself. Please, please let this be the moment we've all been waiting for.

Hasn't she wasted enough company money, fucked up enough projects, and caused enough misery to warrant her firing?

Is it ever okay to call the CEO mama?

2007-07-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

Our Glorious Leader rushed into her neighboring office to chat with the ladies in there and this is what I overhear.

OGL: How do you spell ma'am?
Office underling: M-A-A-M with a mark in between the A's
OGL: Oh, hehe, I spelled it M-A-M-A. (and said "mama" but rhymed it with PAM-UH)
Office underling: you mean "mama" you called the new ceo "mama" ?!?

Apparently she emailed the CEO and replied "no, mama" to a question she was asked.

Smooooooth.

Business Distraction

2007-07-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

Oh, Stock Photo Collection, I love and hate you for the same reasons sometimes. Here I am looking for a photo of someone on a computer and what do I find?

One of the tags on this image was "business distraction." There's a whole series of photos of lingerie-clad women trying in vain to lure their white-collared Romeos away from their ledgers and laptops. If only you could see them, it's fucking art. I should have poster-sized printouts made of the Business Distraction photos and hang them up in my apartment.

A quick one

2007-07-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

I hate meetings with Our Glorious Leader. They're usually cluttered with vapid small talk and slamming ex-employees in the hopes of making herself look good by comparison. I've heard the same stories about how the people who were here before me were awful or incompetent. And listening to Our Glorious Leader be a grinning yes-woman, no, don't get me started.

I just wanted to share my tip for surviving the occasional meetings. I flip Our Glorious Leader off under the table. Granted, it lacks the satisfaction that doing it to her face would provide, but I can't deny that I enjoy this act of passive aggression. Smiling and looking your boss in the eye while giving her double birds under the oak veneer conference table is so pleasantly naughty, it's almost erotic.

Sorry

2007-07-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life throws you such feculent situations that the trials of having an incompetent boss are like a fart in a hurricane. By cruel coincidence or evil cosmic design, Sharkie and I are going through some personal crises.

Today, Our Glorious Leader offered me the day off to take care of some personal business and was actually helpful and understanding.

This is how insane everything is. I actually felt some appreciation for her today.

(She's still an airhead, though. Don't worry, these things will pass and we'll be posting more anecdotes of Our Glorious Leader's noble slacking and heroic ignorance.)

Knock Knock! Who's Who? Who Cares?

2007-06-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Glorious Leader,

You have been nominated to be a part of a Who's Who Scam. See, how's it goes is, we call you and convince you that someone nominated you. THEN we talk you into paying us somewhere between $90 and $1,000 to have your name listed in our book of elite professionals.

You see, this is a priveledge. You are lucky to be able to pay this membership fee while others are not even invited. Those others are not as good as you, Oh Glorious Leader.

Sincerly,
Who's Who
_________________________________________
So OGL got contacted by a Who's Who scam and she was THRILLED!!! She is on top of the world today because she gets to pay money to be included in a book full of a bunch of egotistical chumps who are gullible enough to shell out money to be on a list that no one ever reads. She is convinced one of her superiors nominated her.

She is probably imagining herself at a future business meeting when some hot shot executive introduces himself. "Do I know you? OH, I know! You were one of the Who's Who last year. WOW! It is an honor to meet you, Oh Glorious Leader!"

So what does her office best friend have to say? "I'm gonna start a book called Who Cares?"

Home is where the heart is?

2007-06-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, in case anyone noticed, we have not been posting much about Our Glorious Leader. Perhaps it is because we hate her more than ever because her love life seems to be too fucking happy. She is getting married and having a baby and blah blah blah blah suck it. She is evil and even she can find happiness in love.

Outside of work life (I would say "home life" but i really don't have a "home" to go to) is worse than work and it has completely ruined this blog.

Bear with us, or at least make an attempt to contain your belly laughs and "I told you so's" because this sucks enough. Thanks.

"I'm a SCIENTIST!" -Our Glorious Leader

2007-06-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

OGL constantly talks about how she is a scientist. Keep in mind that we do not work in a lab, we do marketing and design. However, she claims to have earned a BS degree making her a scientist! She tells everyone!

When she does her pointless training she always makes it a point to mention, "I know since I am so good at my job that everyone just assumes my degree is in marketing but IT'S NOT!! Believe it or not, I'm a scientist!"

One day she came into our office and blurted out, "I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm a scientist!" WTF?

When asked if she is a scientist why does she "work" in marketing she replied that no jobs in the field of science pay more than $9/hour.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for

COP VS SCIENTIST
She shared this story earlier today.

"I scared the shit out of that cop who gave me the ticket. Scared the shit out of him!"

OGL: (after being caught speeding) Are you sure the radar was correct?
COP: Yes, it is 100% accurate.
OGL: HA! I'm a scientist! Nothing is 100%!

hmmmmmm... she really showed him, huh?

Light on posting

2007-06-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Apart from being out of the office for a few days due to illness, I haven't had much to say this week. This is, sadly, one of those weeks where the crushing reality of working for an incompetent bully is such that I find no room for laughter.

If it isn't her plots to get people fired, her self-involved stories about underwear and rich ex-husbands, her outright lies about having forwarded important messages and tasks to us, her yelling at people on the phone, or her poor posturing as a know-it-all, well, there's always something to be miserable about.

On the other hand, at least she lets me take my sick days. Although when I called in, she made sure to authoritatively instruct me to rest up and drink fluids. As if I were going to go on a three-martini jog without her wisdom to steer me onto the path of wellness. Having seen Idiocracy , I wanted to laugh when she endorsed Gatorade with the peppy statement "it's got electrolytes!"

There are some workplaces that ban access to Monster.com. Fortunately, this is not one of them.

thong rhymes with wrong

2007-06-20T09:48:00.001-07:00

I don't understand why Our Glorious Leader felt the need to tell me she is wearing a thong today. She mouthed it to me because Shapes is a boy and she thought that would be inappropriate. So as soon as OGL left the room I messaged Shapes to tell him, "The word she mouthed was THONG. She's wearing a THONG" because I know that he doesn't want to know either. If I have to suffer, Shapes will suffer with me!

Keep in mind that when OGL says she is wearing a thong it is way too easy for me to visualize because she showed it to me once. Damn me and my visual brain. I cannot tell you how much time I spend visualizing things that no one should ever have to look at.

Na na na na na na na na LEADER!

2007-06-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

I know what some of you may be thinking in reading this blog: For Heaven's Sake, Report Your Glorious Leader!

The problem is that we've already tried this and failed. Our Glorious Leader has superiors, but her most superior superior, The Grand Pooball, never fails to be in her corner. He defends her against everyone.

Today The Grand Pooball made sure to protect Our Glorious Leader when she came under fire today, supporting her lies, chastising her enemies, and basically assuring the continued existence of this blog.

Theories abound as to the explanation for this unique relationship between The Grand Pooball and Our Glorious Leader. Some of them are X-rated. Actually, most of them are X-rated. But we also suspect Our Glorious Leader has some choice blackmail on The Grand Pooball, the nature of which is most certainly X-rated. Apparently, this would not be the first time someone coerced the Grand Pooball into keeping them on board, so this isn't exactly an outlandish conspiracy theory.

On the other hand, perhaps there is a conspiracy theory underfoot, along the lines of, say They Live. Sharkie and Shapes and I are the ones with the special glasses. Where we see an incompetent slacker who's only out to cover her sunburned ass, everyone else sees a leader extraordinaire! That HAS to be it.

"Everytime he comes here, I think he's going to give me a swirlie," Shapes once said about the Grand Pooball. Not putting too fine a point on it, Shapes is a nerd. The Grand Pooball, however, looks like he has never been called a nerd once in his whole life.

Elegant Sex Bugs

2007-06-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

Our stock photography site is often a much needed source of entertainment. Zeeba and I take turns placing hilarious and bizarre photos in the lightbox so the other will have a laugh later. For example, I searched for "vegetables" and found these two photos next to each other spelling out the word Poo.

If you're feeling especially mature, look up sex on photos dot com and the results will include this photo with the tags "elegant sex bugs."

@#%*!!!

2007-06-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Our Glorious Leader's every other word was profanity. Somebody she was angry at was described repeatedly as either a stupid bitch, a fucking bitch, a goddamn bitch, and a bitchy bitch. I've met this bitch before and she's sweet, almost enough to be saccharine, but not obviously fake like some self-important managers I could name. Furthermore, it is very ironic for Our Glorious Leader to accuse someone of being a bitch, as if she thought it were a bad quality.

It would be no exaggeration to describe OGL's feelings towards Alison the Non-Bitch as a vendetta. Alison recently got a promotion and OGL wants her to lose it more than anything. Her petty jealousy borders upon hilarious. Alison talked to Sharkie recently about her personal life. OGL gave Sharkie the stink eye and slammed her office door.

To illustrate how hilarious Our Glorious Leader's vendetta against Alison can be: one of the reasons she thought Alison should be shitcanned was because Alison used profanity once and profanity is very unprofessional. Fuckin' right, Our Glorious Leader! You tell that Stupid Bitch!

Today, Sharkie and I dedicated Outkast's "Roses" to Our Glorious Leader.