IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN!

VBS finished, Brain in Jar Relieved and Tired

2008-07-12T08:27:00.002-05:00

Well, our Vacation Bible School is over for another year. We had our closing program last night. The young people got to show off what they knew, the parents and grandparents got to swell with pride, and we all got to eat cookies and drink fruit punch--so very nutritious!

The week went very smoothly, and we managed to connect with a few unchurched kids, which is a big plus! (In a small town, that can be a rarity.) To God goes the credit!

I'm running away to camp this week. I'll be working with 100+ 5th & 6th graders. Pray for the preservation of my sanity, which is hanging by a tenuous thread as it is.

Anyway, no posts here til at least the night of the 18th. I'll miss you.

An alarming sign at VBS?

2008-07-09T10:43:00.003-05:00

Last night, in Vacation Bible School, the theme was "Jesus gives us the power to be brave." The Bible story linked to that was Peter walking on the water.

In order to make it a bit interactive, we had a plastic container filled with several inches of Ooblech (or Slarch, or Gak, or whatever name you prefer) tinted slightly blue. For the uninitiated, Ooblech is a dense mixture of cornstarch and water that make up a "Non-Newtonian Fluid." It acts like a thick liquid (gravy or wallpaper paste) until pressure is exerted on it. Then it acts like a solid.

If you step quickly across the surface of the stuff, your feet won't get wet or very sticky. If you're too slow, you'll begin sinking. We had the kids take off their shoes and socks and try it out. It worked very well. Then, we decided to try letting them sink in it.

That's all fine and good, but remember what I said about how exerting pressure on the Ooblech makes it act like a solid? When you try to lift your feet out, the slime above your feet locks up, and you're good and stuck! The look of horror that came creeping across their young faces as they realized their dilemma was very rewarding! I'd take their hands and tell them to slowly remove their feet, and then they succeeded. Oddly enough, the kids enjoyed the sinking and being stuck fast more than they enjoyed walking across the top.

The upshot of me telling this story is that Peter's ability to walk across the surface was an expression of his faith in Christ, and his sinking signified a wavering in that faith. If the young people preferred the sinking to the walking, what does that say about their spiritual walk?

Another fragment of Melvin Gospel translated

2008-07-08T10:18:00.005-05:00

And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man blind from birth.

His disciples asked him, "Rabbit (for this was a private joke among them), who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Jesus replied, "The real question is, Who can he sue?"

And his disciples all laughed, except for Thaddeus, who was at that time in the midst of a copyright-infringement lawsuit over his "Christa-Cola" soft drink.

*****

Are you enjoying this fine piece of literature? You know, nothing goes better with a good read than a good casaba. And no one sells better casabas than Melvin's Melons! Why not try some today?

*****

"Instead," said Jesus, "the problem is that he is blind from birth. Had he not been born, he would not be blind."

Then the blind man asked him, "How can a man become unborn when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb?"

Just then, Nicodemus entered, shouting, "Hey! Stop! That's my line! You can't say that! I'll sue!"

St Espressus of Java would be proud

2008-07-08T08:08:00.007-05:00

The Ironic Catholic had a post a week or so ago in which she was asking folks for haiku and statements of religious life in 6 words. The contest is over now (I didn't win), but my 6 words expressed the spiritual life of a tired preacher:

"Saturday night. No sermon. Oh crap!"

Maybe the last two should've been "More coffee!" It goes well with this comic.

Cornland CC's VBS 1st Night a Success!

2008-07-07T08:23:00.003-05:00

We had our first night of Vacation Bible School at Cornland last night. Had 13 kids,which I think was our record number from last summer (shrinking towns, you know.) Things went quite smoothly.

Highlight of the evening for me? Kids getting to the end of the evening and randomly shouting "Unclean! Unclean!" for kicks and giggles. (The Bible story--a lesson on thankfulness--was from Luke 17, the story of Jesus healing the ten lepers.)

Essay Question Time!

2008-07-04T09:28:00.001-05:00

On this day in History...

2008-07-03T08:45:00.005-05:00

845 B.C. Israel, Shepherd boy David tested for steroid use after defeat of battle favorite, Goliath of Gath.

75 A.D. Rome, large neighborhood catches fire when an unnamed innovator tries out new "candle," which spews fireballs skyward.

1777, Philadelphia, Thomas Jefferson pens the less-popular "Declaration of Independent Cinema," and narrowly escapes being burned as a witch.

1980, Philadelphia, Blue-eyed soul duo Hall & Oates hit on musical gold when Oates suggests they change the name of their song "Lieutenant Eyes" to "Private Eyes."

2015, Chicago, Gasoline prices hit 25 dollars per gallon. Mass confusion reigns, since the dollar has long ago been replaced by the Canadian Peso, or "Loopy."

Ouch!

2008-07-01T08:56:00.002-05:00

Nice (-ly snarky) post about folks putting the Ichthus fish on their cars at Mattress Police!
tip of the yarmulke to IC for pointing me there.
*****

Favorite jazz album of the moment is this interesting jazzy space trip Roland Kovac's Trip to Mars.

More Melvin!

2008-07-01T06:15:00.003-05:00

And Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how often must I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

And Jesus said, "That depends. What has Andrew been doing to you?"

"Well, not just my brother brother," Peter said, "but anybody who sins against me."

Jesus replied, "But you did say your brother. Does this have anything to do with his repeated swiping of your fish bait today?"

"W-e-l-l . . .*" creaked Pete.

"Because he's done that six times today, by my count. Then again, I've been a bit distracted with all of the giving sight to the lame and making the leper walk again and cleansing the deaf of their rash and raising the demon-possessed and whatnot."

"Giving sight to the lame?"

Jesus sighed wearily. "It's been a very long and trying day. I could get more done if it weren't for that fruit stand guy hollering in my ear all day about what kind of melons he has to sell." By this he meant Melvin, the melon merchant, and Peter nodded and spit out a watermelon seed.

Then Jesus commanded his disciples, saying, "Bring me your bait buckets."And he blessed them, and returned them to the men, and they overflowed with wriggling and crawling bait of every sort. And when they had picked up all the escapees, it was enough to fill twelve baskets.

"There," Jesus said. "Now if Andrew swipes your bait again, feel free to kick him in the shins."

And Peter asked, "Up to seven times?"

Jesus sighed again, and restored the hearing of a blind beggar.
__________
*A very peculiar Aramaic construction, this one!

Family life lessons I've learned from the Bible

2008-06-24T08:36:00.003-05:00

Marry your sister! Genesis 20:11-12

It's okay to sleep with your wife's servant girl Genesis 16:2-3 until she becomes annoying. Then, out she goes! Genesis 21:9-14

Deceiving your father is okay if the stakes are high enough. Genesis 27:1-29; 31:26-35

If you get tired of your kid brother, throw him in a pit, and then sell him to slave traders! Genesis 37:12ff

Add your favorite "wrong lessons" in the comment box!

God is at it again!

2008-06-24T08:28:00.001-05:00

God accused of selling cocaine near Tampa church

Yonkers, NY tries to outdo the Church!

2008-06-23T09:18:00.003-05:00

recent AP wire headline:

NY council seeks to shut down the 'Gates of Hell'

Meanwhile, Las Vegas & Washington D.C. are trying to pry it wider.

For the real story behind this odd headline, click here.

Return of the Living Brain

2008-06-23T08:58:00.003-05:00

I'm back. Don't applaud. Just throw money.

I spent most of last week hanging out with (read "corrupting") my cool nephews. I think my sister and bro-in-law may also have been there.

Also, I developed a blogging laziness ray. Unfortunately, I used it on myself.

Good to be back, though.

Humor in the Bible 6: Poetic Justice

2008-06-11T19:09:00.003-05:00

You remember Job, right? He's the guy who had it all and then had it taken away from him. He lost his possessions; he lost his servants; he lost his kids; and he even lost his own good health, being afflicted with boils all over his body. The only thing he didn't lose was his nagging wife!

His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" Job 2:9
(That's her one line in the entire story, by the way.)

Forty chapters of lengthy discussions between Job and his televangelist friends later (and God has a few things to say, too),

After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring. The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters. Job 42:10

And herein lies the poetic justice. Job's complaining wife has to be pregnant again with those 10 kids!

A couple hymn-related questions

2008-06-10T07:31:00.004-05:00

If we are praying for Showers of Blessing (midi alert!), what sort of clouds ought we to be on the lookout for? Do we just look up when we get hit by "mercy drops" and make inference?

If The Church's One Foundation (also midi alert) is "Jesus Christ, her Lord," who do I call when part of the building begins to sag?

From the "Weird things some Christians do" department...

2008-06-07T11:15:00.003-05:00

Direct from the site:

You've Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends for Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen.

Our purpose is to get one last message to the lost, at a time, when they might just be willing to hear it for the first and last time.

Services Overview
We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

We give you 150mb of encrypted storage that can be sent to 12 possible email addresses, in Box #1. You up load any documents and choose which documents go to who. You can edit these documents at any time and change the addresses they will be sent to as needed. Box #1 is for your personal private letters to your closest lost friends and relatives.

We give you another 100mb. of unencrypted storage that can be sent to up to 50 email addresses, in Box #2. You can edit the documents and the addresses any time. Box #2 is for more generic documents to lost family & friends.

WHY?

We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel.

The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.

"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

Comics analysis

2008-06-07T08:41:00.008-05:00

Jim Davis is making a less-than-subtle statement here about the deepest wishes and dreams of the comic's eponymous furball. While cats may be intelligent, musical creativity is not part of their typical abilities.

Garfield, Davis is telling us, longs to be human--and a jazz musician in particular. Perhaps he once heard of Cat Stevens (though in a polka-obsessed house like Jon Arbuckle's, one wonders how) and assumed that it must be possible. Actually, in his shades, he more closely resembles Miles Davis from the cover of "'Round About Midnight."

One might assume, based on this visual cue, that Garfield's "idol" is Miles.

Then comes his comment in the final frame, which utterly renders all that comes before it nearly meaningless, and yet makes a poignant statement on its own about Garfield's dreams of humanity. "My idol," says Garfield, "does not play the trumpet." He refers, naturally, to his enraged owner, Jon! Is Garfield's idol, then, Jon? Peculiar, since the cat spends so much time in the strip mocking his hapless owner!

Why does Garfield idolize someone who is such an inferior specimen and who neither plays nor appreciates trumpet-based jazz? Should he not rather choose as an idol someone who is superior to him and who understands his passions?

It reminds me of the words of Isaiah:

All who make idols are nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless. Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame. Who shapes a god and casts an idol, which can profit him nothing? He and his kind will be put to shame; craftsmen are nothing but men. Let them all come together and take their stand; they will be brought down to terror and infamy. The blacksmith takes a tool and works with it in the coals; he shapes an idol with hammers, he forges it with the might of his arm. He gets hungry and loses his strength; he drinks no water and grows faint. The carpenter measures with a line and makes an outline with a marker; he roughs it out with chisels and marks it with compasses. He shapes it in the form of man, of man in all his glory, that it may dwell in a shrine. He cut down cedars, or perhaps took a cypress or oak. He let it grow among the trees of the forest, or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow. It is man's fuel for burning; some of it he takes and warms himself, he kindles a fire and bakes bread. But he also fashions a god and worships it; he makes an idol and bows down to it. Half of the wood he burns in the fire; over it he prepares his meal, he roasts his meat and eats his fill. He also warms himself and says, "Ah! I am warm; I see the fire." From the rest he makes a god, his idol; he bows down to it and worships. He prays to it and says, "Save me; you are my god." They know nothing, they understand nothing; their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand. No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, "Half of it I used for fuel; I even baked bread over its coals, I roasted meat and I ate. Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?" He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself, or say, "Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" - Isaiah 44:9-20
*****

Additionally, it strikes me that this would be an ideal strip for Garfield Minus Garfield.

I want this!

2008-06-05T19:50:00.004-05:00

You've all likely seen this.

If you've got a slow connection, it's the Verizon commercial where they test out if the phone service works for a family camp-out in the woods.

I just want to know where you can get a crate of mosquitoes like in the commercial! I could have endless fun with such an item--and so could my horde of hungry bats!

Joke for my nephew

2008-06-05T16:21:00.007-05:00

My nearly-five-years-old nephew, Jonah, has recently discovered the knock-knock joke. Of course, at his age, he doesn't generally get why one answer is funny and another one is not. You're likely to get something like:

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Eyeball.
Eyeball who?
Eyeball that sits on your nose.

This passes for comedy when you're not-quite-five.

However, he recently phoned me up and told me a joke that he had heard.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To get to the rubber side!

I thought that was very funny, and told him so, and responded with

Why did the turkey cross the road?
He was following the chicken.

Not as funny as "rubber side," but Jonah liked it. He came back with:

Why did the cow cross the road?
He was following the turkey that was following the chicken!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
He was following the cow that was following the turkey that was following the chicken!

And so on, until we had quite a menagerie crossing the road and blocking traffic.

Anyway, knowing that he's a big Star Wars fan, I invented a road-crossing joke just for him:

Why did Yoda cross the road?
(In my best Yoda impression) The other side to get to!

I am the latest!

2008-06-02T10:37:00.003-05:00

. . . in a list of finalists at the Crummy Church Sign blog caption contest. If you haven't already done so, go vote for the person with the funniest caption. Most likely, that'd be someone besides me.

Caption this!

2008-06-02T10:24:00.001-05:00

Leave your witticisms in the comment box!

Extreme Mourning Practices

2008-05-30T12:53:00.001-05:00

Humor in the Bible

2008-05-29T11:49:00.002-05:00

The "bone-headed male" category of comedy, best expressed by "Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor" of the sitcom "Home Improvement," shows us that few things are as funny as a well-meaning guy who wants to say the right thing, but utterly fails. I guess this is funny. Lots of actors playing married men have made careers out of it. If you find this sort of thing funny, then you'll probably chuckle at Elkanah.

The book of I Samuel opens with the story of a man named Elkanah and his two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. What are the odds? Elkanah. Peninnah. Hannah. I imagine them at 1960s cocktail parties, introducing themselves as the "Nah-Nah-Nah family."

Anyway, Peninnah is able to have kids, while Hannah is not--a problem with a huge stigma attached to it in the ancient world of the Nah-Nah-Nahs. On top of that, Peninnah is rubbing it in every chance she gets. "So, how are your kids doing in school? Oh. That's right! You don't have any!" "I'm going to the mall to buy Dinah and Monah some new outfits. Why don't you come along and bring your little ones? Oh, yeah. You don't have any, because God hates you!"

As you can imagine, Hannah is especially bummed out about this whole arrangement. She bursts into another one of her long crying jags while the family is at temple (Jewish family=comedy!), and her husband, trying to get her calmed down says,
"Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" -I Samuel 1:8

I don't know whether to slap him or hide out of embarrassment for all of male-kind.

Signs of the times?

2008-05-28T15:31:00.002-05:00

Painted on the back window of a minivan: "My mom and dad just got married!"

I saw a sign today that read "Hel Wanted," so I went inside and gav them some.

Comics Analysis Monday (on Tuesday)

2008-05-27T08:38:00.007-05:00

A couple recent Zits comics.

Reminiscent of a few Calvin & Hobbes comics, teenager Jeremy's brain seems to have leapt out of his head. Actually, the C & H this reminds me of most is the classic strip with the Shakespeare-quoting mystery casserole.

The cartoonists are, it appears, trying to depict the horror of performance anxiety during an exam. I think we have all experienced that terrible moment in which the mind seems to go as blank as the test before us. It is all the more humorous because of the shared experience, no?

Actually, test anxiety may not be Jeremy's worst problem. Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman are highly adept at capturing adolescent attitudes and behavior. Their solid grasp of teen culture means that they also know about the alarming number of students using alcohol and illegal narcotics. To the keen-eyed reader, the signifiers of substance abuse are readily-apparent.

From the very first frame, Jeremy's bravado and confidence are obvious tip-offs that he's been tippling. (Drinking alcoholic beverages, in other words.) Inebriated people often do very stupidly-dangerous things because their inhibitions have been lowered, and the inner sense of confidence surges to a level at which they may think they are veritably invincible. This test is worth 40% of his total grade, and he swaggers in with way too much confidence for a sober individual.

"Had a good night's sleep" (frame 2), indeed! "Passed out" is more likely the case. And then a little "hair of the dog" for the hangover... Add to this the exaggerated facial expressions, reminiscent of someone who is drunk, and it becomes pretty plain that Jeremy has been studying notes by professors Daniels and Beam! Perhaps he believes that the long history behind said beverages will allow him to better grasp the slippery tendrils of World History.

Then, of course, there is the hallucinogenic imagery in the final frame of the first comic and carried on throughout the second strip. Is Jeremy experiencing D.T.'s during his exam, or is this the result of "mind enhancing" drugs like marijuana or LSD? Such narcotics are often marketed with advertised result of "expanding your consciousness" (beyond the point of the brain?) or "freeing your mind" (the latter result literally seen to be happening here!) The average reader perceives the conversation of second strip to be occurring entirely within Jeremy's imagination. Sadly, however, this is not the case. Rather than an internal dialog, the teen has succumbed to a powerful hallucination and is raving aloud at this chewing-gum pink brain. He will probably be removed forcefully from the classroom to keep him from disturbing the other students any more.

Note how, even addled by illicit substances, Jeremy realizes his problem. He asserts boldly, and correctly, "This is not happening to me!" He even makes a moral judgment, "That is unacceptable!" But alas, Jeremy, it is too late! The damage has been done!

Via the power of the visual medium, the artists communicate that the teen's destructive behavior has caused his brain to reject him and refuse to work for him when he needs it most! He has been "poking" his "central nervous system" as if "with a sharp pencil." A harsh warning, to be sure, about the dangers of drugs! Heed the warning, young people!

Of course, Jeremy's impending failure of this class is inevitable and needful. If "Zits" is to continue believably, then Jeremy cannot continue to pass his classes! He must flunk so that he can persist as the eternal student for the purposes of the strip's continuance.

Zits: relevant, subversive and clever!