Just BEing John-Michael

Sunday Afternoon

2009-11-15T15:13:00.007-05:00

I invite You to join me in a moment of Sunday afternoon tranquility. From the Cottage ... across the highway, to the Lake.

Ahhh ... this is good!

We'll share the dock with the Bird as he dries his wings. [smile]

'The Woman I Am'

2009-11-14T18:25:00.004-05:00

Though the words of Glen Allen, in this poem, are obviously gender-specific … experience has taught me that the life-dynamics, so beautifully articulated, are all-gender inclusive.

THE WOMAN I AM

The WOMAN I am
Hides deep in me
Beneath the woman
I seem to be.

She hides away
From the stranger’s eye –
She is not known
To the passers-by.

She goes her way
The woman I seem,
But the woman I am
Withdraws to dream!

The woman I seem
Goes carelessly –
When love goes by
Does not seem to see.

But the woman I am
Knows sudden fear …
And hides more deeply
When love draws near!

For love might look closely,
Perhaps … and see
Her, beneath the woman
I seem to be!

GLEN ALLEN

"The Human Touch" revisited

2009-11-11T14:31:00.001-05:00

In this day of applied Programs, Plans, Initiatives, and Systems, there is a void that is all too often left wanting. That want is addressed by this work of Spencer Michael Free. He (from his perspective as a practicing physician) spoke to an elementary requirement of the Human Spirit. I ask that we consider the power and potential that awaits each of us… if we will but offer our own personal provision of “The Human Touch.”

The Human Touch

'Tis the human touch in this world that counts,

The touch of your hand and mine,

Which means far more to the fainting heart

Than shelter and bread and wine;

For shelter is gone when the night is o’er,

And bread lasts only for a day,

But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice

Sing on in the soul alway.

Spencer Michael Free (1856-1938)
Free graduated from the College of Physicians and Surgeons of the Johns Hopkins University in 1880, and practiced medicine and surgery for some fifty years thereafter. In addition to some one hundred medical papers, he wrote many poems.

IMAGE: Maria Brandstetter, BBC

Her Visitation

2009-11-01T11:57:00.004-05:00

I meandered … purposeless; disjointed …
Completely aware; senses awake and functioning …
My pace knowing no dictates; heeding only fleeting impulse …
Free to stop, linger with any interest … or hurry past any suggestion.

Then, unbidden, came that tiny butterfly …
Light, delicate, unimposing, yet insistent …
Not resting on my smallest finger, but brushing it,
with powder-like softness …
She urged me along … in a direction, and at a pace, of her choosing.

Willingly, I fell in step with her chosen tempo …
Thoughtlessly, I joined in her unrevealed agenda …
Allowing her to free me of burdensome considerations …
I gladly joined her in a journey without definition.

Such is this visitation from my Darling from afar …
This is the joy of her effect on my Being …
And I celebrate, silently, and gratefully, her loving intervention …
Too wonderful, and precious, to be reduced to language.

John-Michael

01 November 2009
(Thank you, Silvia, for the book of poetic writings)

Sharing A Sun-Rise

2009-10-29T15:28:00.016-04:00

One of the most pleasant elements, of my daily life, is looking from my cottage's front yard toward the lake ... visible beyond the highway and the power-lines, and teasingly-close.

So, when I awoke in the pre-dawn hour a few days ago, I brewed a pot of coffee, picked up my camera, then the lawn-chair, and in the illumination provided by a flash-light (torch), I crossed the road, and set myself up on the nice little platform at the end of the dock ... and awaited the Sunrise.

As light began ... this is what I enjoyed ...

I will allow you to take in (without commentary) the sequence that followed ... at 10 or 15 minute intervals ...

At this point, I could see ... to the South ...

The South-West

The West ...

And to the North-West ...

Then, it was back North, across the highway (busy with "off-to-work" traffic) ... and back to the Cottage, that is Home.

I hope that a bit of the Spirit that I basked in, on that morning, will lend a moment of calming peace and tranquil pleasure to your Heart.

I thank you, Darling Reader, for making it all the richer for me, by sharing in it with me.

I do love You ...

It's Ice-Cream

2009-10-23T05:43:00.004-04:00

We were having one of our extended telephone chats … one in which all of her current interests, concerns, and imperatives were on the ‘table.’ We discussed family, parenting, love-life, and long-term, as well as short-term, plans. She was describing how she feels about ‘Him’ … and interrupted the flow of her reflections with, “Is it OK to feel about him that way?”

I paused (for it takes a moment for Life to whisper to my Muse … and then a moment longer for the Visual [for I process life’s input through visualization … it’s how my mind works] to be passed through to my waiting Spirit.) “Do you have a favorite flavor of Ice Cream?” I asked. With only the slightest of stuttering pauses, she answered, “Well … yes … yes I do!” “There you go then!” I replied. “Did you hear the confidence and certainty with which you just gave me you answer to my ice-cream question? There was neither pause, nor waiver in your absolute clarity on the finality … and ‘rightness’ … of your personal preference and opinion on your choice of ice-creams.

“You are ready and willing to state your election on that matter … without regard for the opinions or preferences of Others. You know, with an absolute certainty, what your taste-buds respond to with spontaneous enthusiasm. And, while you have just over forty years of experience with everyone in your personal world challenging, belittling, condemning, demeaning, discouraging, and undermining every decision and choice that you have ever expressed or selected … no one could ever dispute your personal ice-cream flavor choice.

“You have all of these years of habituated uncertainty … frightened insecurity … and absence of confidence … in the merit and worth of your intuitive and inspired opinions, yearnings, inclinations, and desires. This has been so in every arena of your life. But … you are absolute about ice-cream.

“Please hear me when I tell you that you are brilliant beyond your fondest imaginings. You are wise beyond all of those Voices that seek to hold you in their controlling grasp. You are insightful beyond the horizons of the immediate. So, Sweetheart, listen to … have confidence in … honor and trust what that amazing Heart, Mind, and Spirit tell you. Including how you feel about ‘Him!’

“Because, My Precious, it’s all ice-cream!”

'Tis Art

2009-10-17T10:52:00.009-04:00

Residing quietly within, is an appetite … a still, unassuming, yet ever-present, desire.

Its Voice is but a whisper … and it always defers to the demanding dominance of present circumstance.

I hear it whilst in the quiet of a gallery, or concert hall … when all of Today’s impositions are distanced.

It is there, in the Sanctuary of Silence, that the gentlest of murmurings is heard.

There … in the dramatic (and sometimes tender) release of those brushstrokes …
the melding and blending of Images; that stirring scene …

In the sonorous connection made with that particular harmony, rhythm, or lyric …

that contact is made with my Core.

It is in the Freedom found, in these experiences of connection, that my Soul’s private hungers find satisfaction … and my long spiritual droughts are sated.

‘Tis no less true when I read a word or phrase that echoes the cry of my very Being.

The Author or Composer has said what I yearn to express.

This awakens and fulfills the Wholeness of who I am.

I am delighted, beyond words, to, again, be with You, My Dearest Friend and Faithfully patient Reader. By the generous grace, and loving thoughtfulness of my Brother, Steven (who purchased and sent to me the new netbook computer that I now write upon), I can now revisit you and celebrate our sweet bonds.

I, simultaneously, celebrate this ... my 600th posting on my blog. Whoopee!!

I do love You so!

Morning Concert

2009-08-10T20:47:00.004-04:00

I return to this tiny bit of reflection ... because I like the way that it makes me feel. Not a complicated formula for deciding ... and one that I smile at the consideration of. This post constitutes the 599th time that I have shared a posting with You, My ever-enduring Friend and Reader. (Next posting will be number 600 ... amazing!)

With the close of this day, I will be leaving the comforts of my Friends' lovely home, and returning to the far-less accommodating elements of my own dwelling place.

Many Folk take a holiday from their usual, and normal environment and go camping. I, in essence, camp all through the year. These past few days have constituted my holiday from the primitive style of my usual circumstances. I have luxuriated in hot running water ... a kitchen with full compliment of appliances for convenient cooking (AND a sink with running water ... RIGHT THERE! Cool!) I have enjoyed the accommodating convenience of a flushing toilet; windows with a wonderful view, in addition to the brilliance of sunlight; and NO traffic noise!! Wow! (My Place is situated on one of the busiest roadways in the county.) AND ... I have had the facility of a working computer. Hence, my communication with You, of late. And, as if all of that were not far more than enough ... my Darling Friends welcomed me to the use of their sweet little Honda Civic (and even left a gift card for gas!) [smile]

Yes indeed! This has been sweet!!

I do not know when I will be able to speak with You again. You can be sure that you will be actively occupying all of those wonderful places that are yours, in my Heart. When I can again access a computer, I will be back to you. Be certain of that! [loving smile]

All that said ... her is that little Bit that I spoke of earlier. I hope that it makes You, Dear One, feel good too.

I love You.

Morning Concert

The tacet eloquence of your eyes,

The gentle melody of your smile,

The tranquil harmonies of your spirit,

Orchestrate to greet me with …

A morning concert of ... YOU.

John-Michael

(29 October 04)

(revised 10 August 2009)

IMAGE: Through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

Awakenings

2009-08-08T16:16:00.007-04:00

With considerable regularity, I hear my daughter’s frustrated (and irritated) voice, saying, in memory’s ‘ear,’ “Daaaa-d! Does everything have to mean something?!” Again today, as I watched the movie “Awakenings,” I heard that voice … as I considered the reasons underlying my intense emotional response, to the story, portrayed in the film. And, I know what it is all about.

For, you see, I have lived sixty-three years, in the constant practice of responding to my innate perception of the Inner Being, residing in all with whom I share life’s pathway. I have always had this acute awareness. It has never been an option or election. I just see and hear that Person … though the Individual may not be consciously aware of that Core Person, themselves. So, I find myself in frequent interaction with a “Someone” that may not be seen by or known to most of the world that I live in.

This explains how I genuinely love so many people with whom I have little (or nothing) in common. I simply love the Core that lives within the layers of exterior behaviors, beliefs, and preferences. Whilst watching this movie (that deals with the “awakening” of the inner person that physical malady has imprisoned within a group of hospital patients), I reflected on many of the individuals who I have welcomed into my life. I have preferences and tastes that are dramatically contrary to some of their political, musical, social, religious, culinary, and cultural elections … but none of that matters, in my intimacy, with the inner Being, that I choose to acknowledge … and respectfully (and with loving sincerity) speak to. I may (and often do) find that person to be "not so attractive" in their outer presentation. This matters not. What does, in fact, matter ... is the sense that I have ("Thank you, inner Voice and guiding Spirit") ... that I have an instant of "Welcome," that awaits my response. And I choose to respond in loving respect. And, don't you know, I see and feel an "Awakening" in that life. I do love “Awakening” that too-often neglected Soul. For me, it has been a way of living that is rich in many (though, oft, brief) moments of delight.

So, my Darling Reader, I find my Self answering my daughter’s biting question with a repeat of my original (many years ago) answer … Yes, Sweetheart, everything does, in fact, mean something. And you and I have the daily choice of discovering, and responding to that meaning … or ignoring the underlying meanings of life’s happenings. This is a matter of personal choice … and responsibility.”

And I continue to look fondly forward to my next opportunity to whisper a word, or share a gesture, that will encourage or inspire the awakening of someone’s “Better Angel.” This is the joy of my daily walk. And, just as is so poignantly presented in the wonderful story of Doctor Sayer’s experience … I accept the reality that is in the usual return to the state of unawareness and disconnect that I witness in so many of the lives that I am blessed with an opportunity to touch. Yet, just as is true of this remarkable Physician, I press on in my daily experiments with offering fresh and new injections of love and care into my world.

There! Now you see, with me, why this story touches me so deeply. Now we share in an understanding of that “meaning something” that resides, for my individual Spirit, in this story. I am glad that you have permitted me to share it with You. For (don’t you know) … I love all that is your too-easily un-acknowledged inner Beauty. That lovely … You.

At Close of Day

2009-08-04T21:13:00.010-04:00

I would ... in every instance ... affirm Life. And, in so doing, I reflect on Campbell's admonition to embrace Mortality itself ... which is to accept the fundamental Truth that lies in Mortality not only being the prime condition of life ... but, also, the underlying source of all suffering. To confront Mortality, is to dispense with all of that "hocus pocus" that breeds Fear and Uncertainty. I like living in that realm of mental, spiritual, and emotional Liberty.

I am ... We are ... Mortal. This is the foundation upon which all rests.With acceptance of ... and comfort with ... our mortality, we can, genuinely, begin our unfettered celebration of living. I find great comfort and assurance in this Truth.

(Can you believe that I am yet still in the 'Introduction' to The Power of Myth? All these years, since my first reading of this amazing work ... and I still find myself enchanted with nearly every phrase. Thank You, Patient Reader, for your forgiving company. [smile])

Lookie Who's Here!

2009-08-03T11:41:00.012-04:00

Well, Hi there! ... my Darling Friend. [smile] It has been a little while since I have been able to be here with You. As my Precious Lime has been kind enough to let you know, my computer has gone to whatever place in Torment that is reserved for mechanisms that vex and test the character of those who rely on them.

So, Dear One, I speak with You from a physical Place that is some 30 minutes from my home. I am caring for Henry (one BIG baby of a pit-bull dog), and Billy (one devious, lightening quick, and totally cuddleable cat) at the home that they share with my Dear Friends, Dav and Heather (who are away for a couple of weeks ... in Iceland [Dav's homeland].) They graciously invited me to use their fancy-schmancy computer and to enjoy the tranquility of their lovely home whilst they are away. So here (as pictured) I am ... having my morning coffee and allowing the serenity of the view to do its work. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If I may, I will be sharing, with You, my journal notes made whilst revisiting the Place of some of my most precious Beginnings ... the words of Joseph Campbell, as recorded by Bill Moyers, in The Power of Myth.

Sunday, 02 Aug 09

You and I ... we all respond to the symphony of Creation ...the undulations of nudging Influences.

Some choose to respond by situating themselves in a comfortable place that affords little jostling or engagement. Perhaps just letting the occasional "tapping" of their "emotional toe" suffices as a means of acknowledging Life's underlying "soundtrack."

Others of us welcome the music of The Intimate, and permit it to be demonstrated through our very Being ... some in ritualized formalities of ordered and structured "ball-room steps" ... elegant and inspiring ... while some lean to the interpretive forms of expression that give free-spirited declaration of their inspirations. And there are (of course) all manner and degree of varieties between and around those extremes.

What is universally unavoidable is ... response. Maybe hardened entrenchment in a marching cadence that unwaveringly dictates each daily decision, direction, and debate. Or, perhaps, some primal and unstructured willingness to follow the lead of The Muse's faint whisperings ... accompanied by the insistent throbbing of a muted "drum." But, in whatever way, and to whatever extreme of perceived "music", each and all of us do make those choices ... we all respond in some way. Life does not permit deafness to its summoning symphony.

Monday, 03 Aug 09

I am, forever, indebted to Joseph Campbell for his redirecting of my Spirit's focus ... from its earlier search for life's meaning ... to its present search for the complete experience of living life.

I never was satisfied with sticking labels of social, religious, or political propriety on containerized pieces of my life. It has always been my desire to know and savour the content and quality of each Moment's experience ... with complete disregard for the labels that those around me would want to affix.

Content ... not Image ... has always been my thirst. When engaging in the presentation of an image, or parading a role, it was always for the purpose of gaining access to that treasured Place of comfort and welcome, that would allow an intimate and meaningful exchange. I discount the playing of a role, and/or presentation of an image, as "dues to be paid" for admission to that sacred place of intimate Being.

Note from Lime

2009-07-27T20:49:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

John-Michael contacted me this evening and asked that I make this post. His current absence from online life is due to a crash of his computer. He was concerned that there may be those who were afraid he was neglecting them or that some serious problem had befallen him personally. He will be back as soon as the stone is rolled away from the tomb in which his poor computer is now interred. In the meantime, he encourages us to watch the southern sky for smoke signals.

If anyone wishes to leave a message for John-Michael, I will see that it reaches him

As a messenger of his love for you all,

Lime

Just BECAUSE!! [smile]

2009-07-23T10:17:00.001-04:00

EepyBird's Sticky Note experiment from Eepybird on Vimeo.

Me (and YOU) ... as an Onion

2009-07-20T21:42:00.005-04:00

Many years ago, I was offered the opportunity to research the impression that my clients had of me (as an Individual) through a device known as a “Social Style Profile.” The intent was to provide us (the Brokers and Agents in the financial planning Firm) with insights that would equip us, to better relate to our Clients. I sent a lengthy questionnaire to the six people, who I felt knew me best, and awaited the “profile” results. What ... a ... disaster! I was not disappointed … I was (quite literally) devastated. It took me weeks of agonized reflection to overcome the impact.)

The person that my closest and most intimate acquaintances saw me to be was a JERK. They did not arrive at this "definition." They thought that the Me that they saw was pretty terrific. They were impressed with that image of Me. But that defined Person was all that I detested. I was appalled! And very hurt. This marked the beginning point in my journey of Self discovery and Self realization. I subsequently gained, over the span of much time, a disjointed and jumbled accumulation, of test results and data, that provided more frustration than resolution.

To the rescue; Dr. Edwin O. Timmons of L.S.U. (Louisiana State University.) Now settle back a bit and consider, with me, what Dr. Timmons had to offer. He illustrated this conflict between the ME that I suspected myself to be, and the ME known to others… as an ONION.

That’s right, your garden variety vegetable (or whatever an onion is.) It was his idea that if we were to chart a description of our natural Creator-given traits, and connected the points on that chart with a line, we would have our true inner selves represented, by what he called “our inner Zig-Zag.” (Pretty high-tech stuff, Eh?) Bear with us now, it gets better (I promise.) [smile]

Let’s suppose that when we first make some expression of our little “Zig-Zag” our expression is met (probably by Mommy) with some form of rejection or reproof ... “No!, No! ... mustn’t do that!” We, for the first time in our fledgling experience, modify our behavior to gain acceptance and/or approval. This “layer of behavior” Dr. Timmons referred to as an “Onionskin” of behavior, put in place to protect our ever-sensitive, and fragile, inner Self's “Zig-Zag” of Temperament and Personality.

Over the years of our lives, we develop (through countless Experiences ... with innumerable Persons .... in myriad Circumstances) an infinite number of these layers of behaviors that insulate our inner-selves from any chance of hurt to ourselves, or offense to others, to whom we feel responsible. So what my Friends recognized as ME (in their responses to that Social Style Profile questionnaire) was the carefully accumulated “Onion,” of outer behavior, that I, with the best of intent, had painstakingly surrounded my fragile Self with. This is what they perceived from without.

What the Meyers-Briggs temperament evaluation brought to my awareness was that, previously unidentified, Zig-Zag. The results explained the conflicts that had so-troubled me for so long. This test validated and reinforced the results of the previously taken "16PF" [personality factors] test; grapho-analysis [handwriting analysis] and many other self-examination systems (I have, over the years, accumulated a file of prodigious girth filled with these instruments of evaluation and measurement.) I could then begin the liberating (for me … confusing and bothersome for others) exercise of peeling away my layers of uncomfortable and binding Onionskins. I was free to elect my choice of behavioral “skins” for re-employment (as I deemed appropriate for the purposes of honest presentation of myself ... in forms suitable for the each of my life's settings.)

Think not that this was all accomplished overnight (or over many nights) for, in truth, the finding of the key tools and contributors in my pilgrimage of self-discovery has spanned decades (you are, now, having it all served up on a 'virtual tray’. [smile]) But, my Friend, do not be so silly as to expect a fast-track to painless and/or easy Self-establishment. It is, however, a most rewarding journey for those desiring the option. For, through the loss of Career, the loss of Marriage, the loss of church Affiliation, estrangement from my Children (I just told you that it would not be painless didn’t I?) there evolved the life that I now breath, and touch, and taste … hear and ingest into my spirit ... with every moment of life. And it is GENUINE. My outer “Zigging” is in complete harmony with my inner “Zig” and the same holds true for my “Zag.” My “onionskins” of behavior are translucent and merely magnify the Me at the core. My life is the ME as I am created to BE ... and I am fully accountable for the living of that identity.

I share all of this in the genuine hope that my experience will serve that Individual for whom Life has encouraged me to post it. Whoever You are ... and in whatever circumstance You find yourself ... I send my most tender Love ... and offer all that I am for your encouragement and sustenance. You are welcome through "comment" (at the bottom of this page) or by Email. I am, lovingly, your willing Servant ... and Friend.

IMAGES: Through the gracious courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com

World Peace

2009-07-18T08:41:00.003-04:00

It is not so large … this World of mine.
Some would deem insignificant in Space and Time.
But it is the World, that I touch …
And is all of the World … to me … as such.

Mine alone is this chance to express,
All that is Kindness, and The Best.
Open, only to me, is this moment to show,
Expressions of Love and Compassion I know.

In this instant of contact, in our shopping …
Or, perhaps on the street, we pass.
My chance to say “I love you”
Only briefly, will last.

So I catch your eye, give you my smile …
Say “Forgive my intrusion, please.”
“I am aware and have noticed a way …
To appreciate You … and give My World … Peace.”

Making Love to Life

2009-07-12T15:34:00.009-04:00

A dear Friend, Ray, an elderly gentleman who I noticed as he walked silently by (week after week… going about his business in a dignified, stately, and private manner), made an impression on my Spirit, with the beauty of his Spirit. “Please forgive my intrusion, My Friend” I said with a hand raised in a ‘please stop’ gesture, “but I am compelled to tell you that your eyes, your comportment, the very countenance of you, all speak together to say that the Man behind all is a man of worthy and noble character. I want you to know that your regular passing of this spot, where I sit, has blessed me, and made my world a better place, for your Presence in it.”

Ray (being a very shy and introverted man) blushed with this extremely out-of –the-ordinary declaration and thanked me. “You are quite welcome” was my simple reply and I immediately returned my attention to the work that was before me, so that he would feel no requirement for further engagement. This “sense it, say it, leave it” (my words…not his) methodology, was gleaned from the teachings of Leo Buscaglia, a Teacher, Lecturer, and Motivator of the mid-to-late 1900’s. The key elements, as taught by him, were to ask (and by the asking make clear your respect for and appreciation of the ‘space’ of the other) for “forgiveness for the intrusion.” Then, after your message has been stated, remove yourself straightway to make clear the absence of any hidden agenda ... thereby giving a complete sense of safety, to the Individual upon whom you have just intruded.

Ray and I, over time, became quite good Friends. And it was on one of our more lengthy visits (which, with Ray, were hardly more than fifteen minutes… [for him constituting something of a marathon of dialog]) that he and I had the following exchange. “John-Michael, I have to tell you that I envy the frequent and varied relationships that you seem to enjoy. I am so shy and retiring that I could never be as open and free with myself as you are. It is clear that you do genuinely love all of these people with whom I see you interacting and they, you, in return. That is something that I must say that I do envy.” “Ray, My Dear Friend," I replied "I make love to all of the world around me every moment of every day. But, Ray, you speak of the glory and warmth of your relationship with your wife, who you clearly adore, and by your comments, make clear, to any observer, the fact that she participates equally in her adoration of you. You go home, after witnessing my daily love-fest with Life, to her ... and immerse yourself in the totality of that love. I go home alone. Ray… I envy you.” We exchanged understanding smiles.

“Making love to Life” is the most accurate portrayal of my living. Intimate engagement in the most compelling of life’s elements … the core of Life (for want of a better term) … is the level at which I sense, acknowledge, and respond to my World. I take no notice of roles or titles for I have played many roles in business, religion, society, and family … and have done so wearing the many varied ‘hats’ appropriate to the roles (and did it all quite well and even to the laudation of each relevant world). And, in the doing, I learned the temporal nature of such things … passing; for the moment; and then to be gone as though never there. But Love, whether revealed in unspoken, distant appreciation or intimate exchange for the briefest, or more prolonged, engagement … is forever.

I am simultaneously saddened, and challenged, by the climate of today’s social, political, religious, and cultural atmosphere. Anger, vehemence, criticism, castigation, condemnation, confrontation, and refusal to respect, appreciate, or even consider the perspective of another, is the comfortably accepted norm. I simply cannot participate in (what I consider to be) this sickness. The twisting of the Soul of a participant is the price-tag for involvement that I would rescue all within my domain from paying. I have chosen to demonstrate the satisfactions, joys, happiness, and comfort of embracing others in the exercise of admiration, recognition, appreciation, adulation, and yes, even love.

This choice of behavior is not without pitfalls. I have found no models after which I may follow. There are, to my knowledge, no systems for the practice of such behavior that would have all potential misunderstandings and miscues worked out. I, therefore, find myself blazing a new trail with all of the elements of risk and even danger befitting such an adventure. But the quest is far and away worth the scrapes and bruises encountered along the way. I can endure the passing looks of skepticism, doubt, uncertainty, and even rejection encountered (thankfully ... with extreme rarity) amongst the more frequent and almost constant smiles of appreciation, satisfaction, enjoyment, and even surprised delight that my behavior evokes. This is “making love to my world” as I am called by the conviction of my Heart to practice it.

(originally penned, 2004)

Please accept my invitation to spend a few moments with some Friends who express my convictions ... in their own, beautiful, way ...

Peace Through Music Film Clip: Playing for Change from Playing For Change on Vimeo.

I do Love You, my Dear Friend ... and thank You for sharing these moments with Me.

IMAGES: Through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

Online Friends

2009-07-11T11:33:00.002-04:00

Thoughts of Daddy

2009-07-01T22:32:00.011-04:00

I don’t remember ever calling him “Daddy” in my younger, and even ‘middle,’ years. But it was always what my Soul called him. He and I were not comfortable with each other. We were not comfortable with the world around us.

I was his first child … and he repeatedly made it clear that I was an inconvenient intrusion on his honeymoon. The termination of my presence was something looked forward to … and I got the message (loud and clear) that when the time necessary for my raising was exhausted … there was no place for me under his roof. Sitting around his dinner table (after divorce had removed the Element of conflict from between my mother and me) there was some discussion about all of those years between my leaving home, and rekindling contact. Mom wanted some help in understanding (or, better yet … wanted me to suffer through an attempt at justification for) the twenty-plus years that we did not speak. The wedding that I chose to not invite them (any of my immediate family) to; the children who did not know that they had grandparents (on my side) or an aunt, uncles, cousins, and on and on. “How could you live like that without it bothering you?” I was asked.

“It was really quite simple” I replied. “I had lived so many years hearing the house, that I lived in, referred to, by my parents, in phrases like “as long as you live in my house …” that I had no difficulty in understanding that it was not OUR house. I was living, out of a temporary necessity, in YOUR house. So, first … it was never ‘home,’ and secondly … it was, quite clearly, not MY home. When you are raised to understand that you are an unwelcome intruder into someone else’s world … leaving, and then dismissing, that world, is to rid oneself of the burden of being constantly reminded, of your ‘unwelcome alien’ status.” And, at that point, I recall looking around the table … and seeing looks (on all faces present there) that showed the light of an awareness that silently said “Oh! I remember saying those things. Oops! Didn’t know that they would be taken so literally.” And, in Daddy’s eyes … I saw the “oh shit!” look. A well-recognized look of having failed … yet again. That look that, certainly not for the first time in our pilgrimage, gave me cause to feel oh-so-badly for him.

For, you see, Dear Reader Friend, I have always sensed that Daddy wanted to experience a tender and yes, intimate, relationship with me (in fact, with All in his world.) But, alas, he never had a clue how to allow that to happen. Raised by a man who knew only military discipline (my granddad served in the U S Coast Guard [after the dismantling of the Lighthouse Service] as a civilian Keeper of navigational aids in and around the manatee River and outer Tampa Bay. He bore the total responsibility for raising his three sons, after his wife [Daddy’s Mom] passed away, early in their lives.)

There was NO affection, nurturing, tenderness, encouragement, praise, or even remote validation in that home. Only discipline. Orders, and punishment, for orders not perfectly followed. So … poor Daddy … he had all of his feelings, yearnings, desires, and emotions … all stored, pent up, confined, and compartmentalized … and for the first time in his life he had a window of opportunity for releasing them all … and having them eagerly accepted, embraced, and appreciated. He had his wife. Bliss! Then ... he became a father. And the full weight of parenthood landed on his unprepared shoulders. And the only script that he had for that role … was the one given him by his father. And he hated that script. But it was all that he had. Hence, the Conflict, that my presence, visited upon him. And no more, the freedom to explore all of those neglected, suppressed, and denied inner workings of his most passionate and caring Self. Responsibility and duty were, once again, his masters.

( My suspicions of the presence of a complex, of hidden aspects of his inner Self, were confirmed with Mom’s sharing, with me [fairly recently], his letters written whilst they were courting [and he was away in the service of the U S Navy.] She stumbled upon the letters [long forgotten] as she delved into the bowels of ‘The Cedar Chest.’ That vessel of ancient Treasures holding all of her life’s artifacts and mementos. She phoned me, in excitement and with an urgent need to share these resurrected Intimacies. It was with an obvious sense of wonder, and even surprise, that she read Daddy’s words of endearment. He was open, unguarded, romantic, insightful, empathetic, and yes … even poetic, in his messages to the first person who he had ever been able to expose those beautiful aspects, of his inner Self, to. As I listened, I heard (in the background of recollection) a lifetime of Mom’s chiding and belittling remarks about what she deemed to be “the inherited inability of the Brown boys to have any sense of romance, tender affection, or regard for the feelings of, anyone.” I had heard such declarations so frequently, and openly, made, for so many years, that their echo was deafening. And then, here she was … over the phone, reading words that reminded her … and informed me … that my Dad was, in fact, a gentle and caring Romantic. Further confirmation, to my predisposed and sensitized mind, that my birth had confused and discouraged Daddy’s sensibilities and capabilities. No wonder, indeed, that he felt so threatened and resentful of the circumstance of Parenthood interrupting his first chance to live out all that had been denied him before falling in love with Mom.)

Equipped as I am with the Temperament and Nature that is mine, I had been keenly conscious (throughout all of those years of his rigidity and frustrated anger) of an unidentified current that flowed beneath Daddy’s well-rehearsed surface. So, as I said earlier, I knew … but had no definition for … another Being that was him. For many years he and I battled that unspoken, invisible, and troublesome ghost relationship. Prior to my leaving home (at age twenty-one) … and then after our reuniting (at age forty-three) we had both struggled with what we sensed that we wanted to realize … but had no facility for claiming.

And then, Life gave me the Gift of understanding and appreciating the beauties of freed and enjoyed thoughts and feelings. Thankfully, I was (in Daddy’s final few years) able to celebrate telling him that I love him … at my parting, after every visit. And to tell him with the tag of “Daddy.” “I sure do love you Dad,“ I would say. His discomfort and unease lessened noticeably over time. Even more wonderful is the way that he accepted my Heart’s message … embraced it … and learned to share it between us. Unfortunately, I am the only one of his children, in whom he found that sweet Place. But I am so delighted that I was given the lovely opportunity to invest those few years that were required to nurture it into reality, for us.

I tell you, Precious One, these things … so that you can grant yourself (and perhaps some specific Others) some measure of patience and maybe even forgiveness. I give this to you, to offer real and tangible Hope, for what can be … now that you know that good stuff can be born out of yucky stuff. Daddy and I want you to know that. [smile]

I do love You … really!

I Dare You!

2009-06-30T09:09:00.007-04:00

Come on! I dare You! Join with me, and our Neighbors, from around our little planet, and I dare You to try, to go away, not singing this as you go. You singing it right there ... me singing it here ... our Spirits rocking and swaying together across all of those puny boundaries that would keep us apart. I like it!!

Stand By Me | Playing For Change | Song Around The World from Concord Music Group on Vimeo.

By the way ... Have I told You, lately, that I love You?

Well ... consider it said.

[loving smile]

Our "Realm of Phenomenological Awareness"

2009-06-28T14:00:00.005-04:00

To be confronted by a face registering absolute vacuity, is an experience intimately known to most (if not, indeed, all) parents. To see a complete absence of any willingness to understand or the total disregard for all that you are trying to convey, is the all-to- frequent plight of those who bear the burden of teaching, molding, informing, and/or nurturing. And, alas, this phenomenon presents itself to us, not only in this domestic setting, but, indeed, throughout our lives … in countless forums.

Attempting an explanation of involved circumstances, affecting tardy school assignments, to a Teacher who has “heard it all before;” explaining the importance of delivery requirements, to those upon whom those timely deliveries are entrusted; conveying the significance of repairs required by appliances, vehicles, or technical equipment to a 'Service Person;' engagement in the attempt to enlist the involvement of any Other in whatever matter having importance to us … all are, oh-so-often, met with that blank stare, of disconnected disinterest. They do not see any consequence in their acknowledgment of what is offered.

How often have we all asked the unanswerable “Why don't you understand how important this is?!” And we, then, plunge back into a redoubled effort to overcome the ambivalent absence of that Other's interest. “Why am I failing to make them understand?!” we demand of ourselves. And, time and time again, we retreat with a sense of personal failure. Our normal and usual response is to feel responsible for having failed to make clear, and impart, our intensely felt sense of urgency, to that Child, Teacher, Service Person, or Significant Other. We wrap ourselves, anew, in that bedraggled Cloak of Failure, yet again. For, my Dearest Reader, 'tis true! We have, indeed, failed. Why?

For an answer that we can feel has some objective and legitimate basis, I ask you to consider, with me, the lesson offered by the eminent medical doctor, psychologist, and founder of the School of Individual Psychology … the late Alfred Adler (7 February 1870 – 28 May 1937.) Adler is considered, along with Freud and Jung, to be one of the three founding figures of depth psychology, which emphasizes the unconscious and psychodynamics.

It is the Gift of an awareness, of the reality of each of our individual “Realms of Phenomenological Awareness,” that Dr. Adler has given me. He gave me a consciousness of our control of all that is Reality to us … by our willingness to open our awareness to any phenomenon. Unless I allow my mind to acknowledge the presence of anyone or anything … that person or phenomenon is not a Reality to me. It, or they, simply do not exist. I exercise complete control (as you do) over everything that my mind is introduced to. If I am not impressed with the worth, significance, or merit of some individual or circumstance to me and/or my life … it is dismissed from my individual “realm of phenomenological awareness.” I have not appraised them, or it, to have any consequence to me. It, or they, are (quite bluntly) Inconsequential.

So, don't you see, that Child, or that Teacher, Service Person, or Significant Other, do not know what I am saying (or indeed who I am at that moment) as a Reality to themselves … unless I have made them aware of some consequence that will affect them (positively or negatively) and triggered some catalyst that will open their door of awareness, into that Realm, that they and they alone control. When I learned … and accepted as Fact … this Truth, I began to enjoy a respect for everyone else's right to their own Realities … their individual right to determine what, and who, is of consequence to them. And I accepted my personal responsibility for the introduction of any new awareness that I might want to have someone else acknowledge, as part of their Realm of Phenomenological Awareness.

When I am confronted with that blank stare of incredulity or rejection … I know that I have failed either to appropriately evaluate the One to whom I am attempting a communication (perhaps they are not a suitable prospect for my thoughts or concepts) … or, if they are, indeed, the right subject for what I have to offer, I may need to repackage my message in a way that will earn a place of consequence in their estimation. Maybe I, and what I am offering, are simply not significant enough to impress them. I might, just possibly, be quite inconsequential to them. And it is my job to impress upon them, in a more meaningful way, just how significant I, and my ideas, are. If a spoonful of sugar is not working … perhaps a club would be more effective. If my words are not meaningful … perhaps a short note from a recognized Specialist or someone in indisputable authority would command acknowledgment. (Why are the words "Just you wait until your father gets home!" echoing in my mind right now? [smile]) Maybe a presentation of the potential consequences and penalties for dismissal of either my Self, or my suggestions, would admit, who I am or what I offer, into that selectively-controlled Realm of Awareness.

But to continue to repeat and persist in the same presentation that has rendered my voice mute and my offerings meaningless, while clinging to some mindless hope that such mindless persistence will bring forth some new result … is the demonstration of the old definition of Insanity. It is not personal. It is not a rejection of my Being. It is simply the playing out of what Dr. Adler suggested to his audience when he made note of their absence of any awareness of the structure of the ceiling above the auditorium in which he spoke. But … he told them … if he should announce that he had just been given a report from the building's manager, informing him that a great crack had been discovered in the main support beam that held back the many tons of materials above their heads … and imminent collapse of the roof, timbers, concrete, plaster, and all that constituted that ceiling, of which they had, previously, had no awareness … suddenly, and instantly, that nonexistent ceiling would become a dominant Presence in the Realm of Phenomenological Awareness of each of them.

This is the explanation that I gave a prominent Businessman, very recently, when he was bemoaning the refusal of a General Contractor to exercise a sense of urgency in the matter of coordination of phases of construction in a major project. “We are responsible for the finishing elements of this huge project … and all of those upon whom we must wait for our work to begin, are lagging behind the schedules. We will be left as the responsible Party for the un-readiness of the facility for its first function. But we have been well-prepared and simply waiting … waiting … while the General Contractor has refused to urge all of those whose contributions are prerequisites for our finishing phase, to adhere to their required schedules. We, and we alone, are going to bear the consequences (in financial penalties and added expense of extra hours and efforts at the end) for the failure of those others to complete their work on schedule. We have documented our many efforts and meetings with the General Contractor … all of which are ignored and dismissed.” my Businessman Friend explained. “You have failed to make yourself of consequence in his eyes” I responded. “You have not inserted your concerns into his Real of Phenomenological Awareness and made them his. But a brief letter from your attorney will make him, instantly, aware of the consequences and penalties that will be visited … on him … in court … if he does not act appropriately. Into that Realm of Awareness, those lagging workers will become an immediate Reality. You need say no more. Your voice has been deemed as insignificant by him. You, as a Person, and as an Individual, are something that, he has demonstrated, are inconsequential. You must introduce him to someone and something that will unavoidably demand significance … by demonstrating consequences.”

For, my Dear Reader, all that was true in the face of that disinterested Child … is just as true in the face of this grizzled man who controls an enormous project with all of its facets and intricacies. The consequences to the life of that young person, just as the outcome of the building project, will be affected by the willingness of each determining Individual to accept new Realities into that Place that respects consideration.

I offer this bit, of what Life has blessed me with, in the hope that You will find some use for it in your life's walk. For (as you know) a smoother and more pleasurable path is what I want, most, for You. Your happiness and peace are of infinite consequence to me. My love for You has introduced You into my personal Realm of Phenomenological Awareness. And your Presence there is most pleasant. [smile]

Lovingly ...

Give Your Heart a Smile

2009-06-18T14:15:00.006-04:00

If you want to, momentarily, tune out all of today's Frown-Makers, and Soul-Saddeners ... Give your Self a real treat and enjoy the inclusion of Adam Bender in your awareness. You can read some of his story in THIS article in Gimundo.com.

You can, also, give your Self a quick boost by letting Adam show of a bit ... here ...

There! How's that for a change in your day's pace?! [loving smile]

The "Why" Behind "The Cost"

2009-06-09T14:18:00.005-04:00

Here, I am sharing a bit of a “peek” behind the veil of what You would usually know. It is customary for you to see whatever I post … and nothing of the pre-posting thought or considerations, nor any of the post-posting reflections. After publishing the little thing about “The Cost,” I was having a not-too-frequent moment of questioning. “Why” I asked myself, “do you even go into those ponderous areas of philosophical and oh-so-burdensome topics?” And (as has, so frequently, been the case) my precious Lady Muse delivered (in tangible and real-time form) Life’s answer to my frustrated uncertainties.

I (just a few hours ago) received a phone call from a Friend. She shared with me some updates of inconsequential and usual stuff about her life’s goings on … and then, as if in after-thought, something that rang the bell of my needed reassurance. She told me that she and her eldest son had read the “The Cost” piece … together. Then he and she went fishing … (He [who has no fondness for fishing … let alone the mandatory handling of those wriggling worms used for bait] caught five fish … she [who is an avid (if not maniacal) fisherwoman, caught none. (teehee) But I digress.) … and they, whilst in the leisurely enjoyment of five hours of midnight-to-five AM fishing, had a discussion of what they had read together. In the course of their discussion, she was delightfully reassured of her son’s grasp of his personal sense of responsibility, for seeing to it that he invest, all of himself, in living a life of full satisfaction, and enjoyment … through an awareness, and appreciation, of his innate gifts, and abilities.

This was a huge thing for her. For, in August, this son is to be off, to far-away Oklahoma, to pursue his post-graduate degrees in his chosen field. Knowing that he has such a firm grip on the foundational precepts of a personal responsibility, for a healthy, productive, and happy future, gives her a wonderful sense of comfort and peace.

“There!” my Lady Muse said. “There is your demonstration of Life’s loving wisdom in ,motivating you to share your thoughts and feelings in that piece. You took some of that ‘compost’ of your past … and let Life apply it around that developing young life. Ya done OK, John-Michael! Now lighten up!” And, I am thusly, quite nicely, reassured. Hence, I have had those nagging doubts and hesitations about my seeming propensity for writing about such “heavy” and cumbersome considerations, allayed. And, because I do enjoy making You, Dear reader, privy to all that is the Truth of who I am, and why I am … I am now sharing, with You, this peek into something of the “why” in my doing so.

And, as always, it is my intent to serve you well, as your faithful Friend, and ever-willing Servant.

The Cost

2009-06-07T11:24:00.005-04:00

It was Christmas Eve … the one and only night that I was assured that my children and I would have together … for the whole night. I live in one small room … so pallets made of foam pads and folded blankets made their bedding on the floor. They were tucked in and ready for sleep … and there was a knock on the door. A beautiful woman stood there … with a familiar and loved smile.

She was my first high-school Love. We had not seen each other since just after high school. I had, in the interim, married (for twenty years), had two children, a career, and a divorce. I knew that she had won the Miss Tampa beauty pageant … but past that I only knew what I did of her travels, college degrees, published books, and practice in clinical psychology, from the updates that were shared with me by her sister … when we bumped into each other at the market. And here she stood … on Christmas eve … smiling.

She asked my children (after the introductions), if she could borrow me ... for a cup of coffee. They shyly agreed. And she and I went to a convenient, twenty-four-hour breakfast place, for coffee.

After exchanges of many years’ of accumulated details and facts, she understood (what I could relate) the statistics of my story … and I filled in the blanks of hers. And I knew that she had a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer … that terrified her. So our conversation flowed into our developed philosophies and understandings. She asked me a question that caused a moment’s pause. “What did it cost you … when you shifted your life’s focus from all of life’s “Doings,” to “Being” alive?” Such a magnificent question!

Though I knew what she was considering ... the Marriage, Career, prominence in the Community, Church Role, etc. ... my Heart knew the answer. “It cost me nothing. Not a thing!” I replied. “For, don’t you see, “I,” was not present in all of those years of doing all of the stuff that was expected, required, and demanded by all of my life’s environment. I … was not functioning as an Individual then. There was no "Me" in all of that. Simply, that Person ... performing all of those Roles. All of the “lights” were on … but nobody was at home. I was a “non-person” fulfilling all of the requirements scripted out for me by circumstances and Others. Hence, there was no cost to Me, when I realized the importance of becoming a Human-Being … as opposed to existing as a Human-Doing. For, I had not existed.” She slowly nodded in quiet understanding and agreement.

We returned to my place. She went her way. We exchanged a couple of phone calls … her on the West coast; me here, in Florida. We wrote … only once, each. The letters were unfortunate exchanges of misunderstandings. And I never heard from her again.

But I will forever remember her question. “What did it cost …?” And I consider that question now … once again. For, My Dear Reader, there is, indeed, an ever-present Reality in living. Nothing is free. There is always a cost/reward relationship to every choice that we make. My living as a “Doer,” was at the unwitting expense of Self. I had never developed my ultimate responsibility … my Self. I, ignorantly and blindly, substituted activity and performance for personal growth and responsibility. I had energetically charged into life’s fray with the battle cry of “Do something great,” and “Make some-Thing of yourself” ringing in my ears. I heard no voice crying, “Make some-One of your Self … and only then, apply that developed Self, to the fulfillment of your Soul’s bliss.” It was not ’til many decades into living, that I became aware of that Voice.

So, today, I ask You, Dear One, “What are the costs in your life? What have you invested your Self in?” You are not answerable to me … or, in fact, to anyone else in this life. You, just as I, are ultimately, answerable only to that private and sacred inner You … and Eternity.

"Who are you?" ... He Asked

2009-06-03T20:34:00.004-04:00

It has been a year, and a quarter, since I last offered this story, here. Because it was a defining moment (in many ways) in my life-walk, and many new Folks are now visiting here, I will, probably, resurrect it once, each year. With the spirit of this Happening encouraging me, I am planning to offer myself, as a Reader, to the Principal of an Elementary School just down the road from my home. It is, what is referred to as, an "At Risk School." This means that the populace of the school is made up of many who would be of the same ilk, as the young Lad, of this Story. I present the experience with a prayer that You, My Dear Reader, will find some encouragement, insight, or merit, of value to you, in it. That said ... here 'tis ...

“Who are you?” was the question thrust upon me by the challenging five year old kindergarten student as he set his back stiffly in its most erect pose. Pretty impressive stuff from a child toward a physically imposing adult male who was a total unknown to the child. Not to be channeled into his obviously well-rehearsed performance, I countered with “More to the point, (pretty cool, eh… using phraseology that was alien to the lad) … just who are you?!” Now we were engaged in the stand-off. Two duelers faced with the unspoken, but clearly understood standard that 'he who gives the answer first is the loser.’ But, here I genuinely wanted to know just who this fellow was. Not just his label … his name, but who he wanted me to know him to be.

We waited. Others at the service desk of the elementary school library ... waited. All eyes were now fixed on the young lad. He was, quite obviously, uneasy with this turn in a game that had historically garnered for him control of those upon whom he leveled his attack. Then, into the breach came a young man (an 'advanced’ age of eight years… but clearly an 'upper-classman’ in this arena) who turned to the boy (who for convenience, I will call Robert) and said “Hey man, the guy really wants to know who you are … you know … like what kind of a person are you?” I was shouting a silent inner cheer for this interceder who so beautifully cleared the air.

“I am bad” came the reply from Robert’s not-so-defiant lips. I was stunned … silence reigned at the library counter. All … students, and staff … were stilled with this declaration from a five-year-old boy … and I knew that this was a moment of pivotal significance. Not only for Robert; but also for the lad who had prompted him into this announcement; for the children who stood in silent recognition that this boy had made an honest, candid, and obviously painful statement of his inner perception of himself. I looked into Robert’s eyes ... really looked … focused into him. I gave him a moment to recognize the fact that, for me, right then, in that moment there existed no one in the world but Him.

Then I smiled a smile of appreciation and respect and said “Wow!, You are really smart! You are making a really good joke on someone! I am impressed! You must be … like a movie actor or something. Because I am a really smart man. And I know about how people are. And I am really good at spotting good people, and bad people (I then turned to the librarian and asked her to validate the truths that I had just stated, as to my credibility … for The Moment was at hand.) I can tell that you are really a very good guy … I know this… I can tell every time. So you must be making a super good joke on someone to make them think that a really good guy … is bad. I think that you must be a terrific actor.” And, My Dear Reader, I wish that I had at my disposal the ability to adequately portray the look of utter … Hope … that came across Robert’s face. Here this person of a mere five years was … soundly convinced that he, a human being, just the initial sprouting of an individual … was inherently, hopelessly, and forever bad. And some big old, imposing, white-bearded man was telling him that it was but a joke … a misunderstanding … a folly. I asked him if he would do me the honor of being my friend and we exchanged names and a bit more about ourselves.

I will not drone on about the comments from teachers and counselors who later shared notes with each other about this transformed young man. He had, obviously, made some adjustment in his game and had decided to only 'fool’ others into thinking him to be bad on selective occasions. And we enjoyed seeing each other and complimenting each others’ roles when I had the weekly opportunity to read to his class in the library. But the point in this is not this isolated happening.

The message, so clearly and eloquently communicated by Robert and his Moment, is this. We all … every single one of us … have an inner sense of who we are. Like Robert, we have been given this “script” by otherwise loving, caring, well-intentioned (yes, I do know that I am being generous here) Significant Others throughout the course of our lives. And … we buy it. We give these people our trust, our confidence, our faith in their 'superior’ powers of judgment, and we live out the roles that they hand us.

I ask that you put yourself in the person of Robert when I asked him “Who told you that you are bad? Was it someone here at school? Or was it at home? Who did you fool into believing this joke?” and ask yourself, Dear Friend, “Who am I listening to? What qualifies that person to fix a defining label on my spirit? Why am I succumbing to this influence? Wouldn’t I enjoy taking up a script of my own choosing and playing a new role that meets my inner desires?” I do not suggest that this is as easily accomplished in the well over-rehearsed and time-reinforced role of the more experienced adult. But I do offer the hope.

And in that hope, I remain, as always, Your loving Friend and willing Servant.

An Alien

2009-06-01T13:45:00.004-04:00

It was my experience to befriend a beautiful young woman who, with her group of friends and relatives, worked as Helpers in the newspaper distribution warehouse with me. Her intelligence and innate character were obvious to me. I engaged in every opportunity to encourage her embracing of her natural Gifts. But, with great sadness, I watched her as she sought to mold herself into the roles and behaviors of her family and unfortunate acquaintances. Here I offer my reflections on her struggles … insofar as I was privileged to know them.

I do know, for fact, of her slippage into self abuse (cuttings) … tattoos and piercings that she told me that she really did not want … and ultimately, her pregnancy … all, following in the steps of her peers.

The Alien role is one that I (in my past) knew with painful intimacy. I offer this reflection in the hope that that one ’Someone’ (known only to Life) who reads this … may benefit from knowing, that their suffering, fears, doubts, and struggles, do not go unseen, or uncared about.

An Alien

Alien to all that constitutes her environment …
wanting - no - needing to find a place of comfort.
Plagued by the exceptional capacities
encapsulated within her natural qualities …
she cannot naturally meld,
into the safety of obscure Anonymity.

So she camouflages herself,
with defacements common to those around Her.
She assumes the language, and behaviors,
that conceal her innate endowments.
She avoids all challenges
to the legitimacy of her portrayal …
Most importantly,
challenges borne of her own Awareness.

Unknown to her, the Others find
validation for their behaviors,
in her degradation,
of her appearance and demeanor.
For they all see the extraordinary Gifts,
that are naturally hers.
Making their shared cycles of mimicry,
an endless waste.

Only in still, lone, and quiet,
moments of painful reflection,
does she find herself confronted
with unidentified Frustrations.
As dissatisfaction, and Self loathing
drive her to Self punishment.

Inflicting physical wounds …
tangible, real, and knowable …
for all else is too dark and unknowable.
While these are accepted,
as deserved flagellations.