My Takes

2009-01-08T23:54:00.001-05:00

2008-10-15T18:43:00.002-04:00

What does a 91-0 Win do Besides Stir up Controversy
High School football…It’s football at its purest. There isn’t anybody out there who’s on the verge of going into high school who doesn’t want to play high school football. If there is, well it’s safe to assume that, that poor child was dropped on his head more than once during his ankle biting years and really should have his head examined! In all actuality though, I guess the chess club needs members too…And all the hard core chess players, (if such individuals even exists) are thankful for this!

Back to high school football…The great thing about it, you really don’t have to have any athletic ability what so ever. Hell, somebody needs to play the line…Which results in nobody actually getting cut. Even if one is 5-9, 350, runs the 40 in 10 minutes, they’ll find a spot for you…And this happens in high schools everywhere across the country. Now true, if these sorts of kids are making the team, odds are likely that the team isn’t going to be that good or competitive…But a team roster needs to be filled somehow, especially in the small towns. A small town such as Estero, Florida would fall into the category.

Like many small towns, nobody has likely ever heard of Estero, that is until last Friday night. This small town in Southwest Florida went from virtually unknown to making national headlines compliments of the Estero High School football team. You could say they suffered a tough loss last Friday evening losing by 13 to Naples High School. Thirteen, a heartbreaker, I know…Just not quite good enough. But wait, I’m not talking about 13 points…My guess is they were down 13 points after two minutes in the first quarter, considering the fact that at halftime it was 70-0. That 13 I’m talking about, yeah, that’s 13 touchdowns! Nope, I didn’t stutter, at least not this time! Thirteen touchdowns equals a final score of, oh, 91-0…Arena Football ain’t got nothing on this shit! 91-0…Hmm, ever heard about calling off the dogs, Naples?

That’s the thing though, Naples, decided not to even play some of their players period. It’s a fair assessment to say that these two programs are on entirely different levels. Lets see, you have one who is the reigning state Class 3A champions, and a contender to win the title again…Having players committed to Division I schools like Ohio State already and a roster filled with talent at every position. To a school having no college prospects and only about 25 healthy or so players remaining on its roster and rebuilding from the lowest level, with a coach in his first year at the school and having inherited a program that had simply crumbled, (I think you can distinguish which is which).

So after the shock and awe of the scoreboard not short circuiting after a big 9-1 was posted, (I wonder how that looked) let the fall out begin…Not from players, but of course the parents and the community. And funny thing was Eagles coach Bill Kramer knew his email mailbox was about to short circuit as well, and that it did! Receiving e-mails, of course some from Estero parents wondering why so many points were necessary, but shockingly some from Naples parents too wondering why their kids didn't play more in an effort to pad their stats. Are you F-ing serious, pad their stats? Since when does fantasy football trickle down to the high school ranks? Am I the only one in the dark about not playing High School Fantasy Football here? Um yeah, that’s really good sportsmanship! Last time I checked high school football doesn’t have a BCS system in place! However, with regards to the Estero folks…Um yeah, it’s not like they set out to score 91 points! Considering the fact that some of their players didn’t even play, knowing full well it was going to be a woodshed beatdown…Not to mention that Naples only ran 31 plays the entire game. Holy shit…Now, that’s what I call offensive execution! Thirty-one plays and 13 scores…So in essence they only got stopped 18 times on the night.

Yes, 91-0 is an eye opener and mind boggling…However, what was Naples to do? Come out and just take knees? An interesting thing here…The Naples Daily News ran a poll asking if Kramer and his team "should be ashamed" over the result, and by Monday afternoon, the vote was nearly dead-even: 239 no, 225 yes. My opinion is NO. He didn’t even play some of his big time players…Only ran 31 plays the whole game. What were players suppose to do, get in the clear, and then “trip over the yardlines” to tackle themselves? Come on, that’s more of a sign of disrespect to your opponent when you have to tackle yourself because they can’t…Yeah, let’s do that and bitch slap’em in the face even more so! Make’em feel even better!

Ironically it wasn't even the most lopsided score in the country this Friday. In Ohio, Beechcroft beat Centennial 96-0, taking knees on plays in the fourth quarter to avoid triple figures. Beatings like these happen all over the country every weekend…It’s a part of high school football. It just goes back to the thing I mentioned earlier about rosters needing to be filled out, someway, somehow in order to fill teams. Just as in basketball at the high school level, we hear of these scores 110-12 and so on. The kids oddly enough don’t care, they just want a chance to play, and high school gives them a chance! It’s always the parents/grown adults bitching and complaining…As again evident here.

Thing I don’t get about these lopsided scores that are a staple of high school athletics…Why not implement the “Slaughter Rule” just like Little League Baseball does? I know it was in play when I was in high school for softball and baseball to eliminate such drubbings. Then the adults/parents would shut stop contributing to global warming and shut their pieholes…Well, at least in this regard.

To read the complete story on this woodshed beating…
http://highschool.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=862709

2008-10-06T16:05:00.001-04:00

One Time at Band Camp…
Well, we all know how that ends! Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself! Although here’s a new one for you…One time at Camp Randall I went to watch a football game and the marching band was suspended indefinitely while allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct were investigated. Consequently ending up in not playing Saturday during a nationally televised football game as the Suckeyes came calling! Well, shit…It’s no wonder why the Fighting Buckies lost. Oh no, hold up…That’s right…That was complements of Terrell Pryor.

Allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct on a college campus, oh no, that doesn’t happen at all…That’s like saying, that there’s women who pose nude in Playboy who are airbrushed! So what was head marcher himself Mike Leckrone to do, decided for the first time in his tenure the entire band, (all 300 members) has been suspended and prevented from playing at a game. However, I’m curious as to what kind of hazing goes on amongst a band. What, are the drum dudes forced to play tubas? And if they don’t oblige do other band members force their heads down the tuba as someone plays it. Or if not that, are band members forced to make a “cymbal sandwich” with their melons as they get their ears bashed in? And we all know how lovely that feels! The silver lining here, the Marching Buckies better be thankful that this didn’t happen at “Band Camp”…Undoubtedly, the punishment would’ve been a lot harsher…With the punishment being a lifetime ban from the camp! And we all know how fun and how one can thoroughly enjoy themselves at “Band Camp”, now don’t we? Especially with a flute!

We’ve heard of players from every sport’s genre being held accountable for their actions by getting suspended. We’ve heard about mascots, (as ludicrous as it sounds) falling into the same category, but a marching band? Not just single out a few members, but all 300…Yeah, I can see football coaches across the country taking this approach! Couldn’t Leckrone just take away the “Band Camp” privileges to the Bad Buckies? Although last year Joe Pa did start his own “Postgame Sanitizing Services” for free compliments of his Mean Machine bunch at the State Penn. Ironically though, this isn’t the first time the Madison Marchers have made headlines…Surprisingly enough and as crazy as it may sound it's the latest in a series of high profile problems for the band.

In February 2007 the marching band's assistant director Michael Lorenz resigned after an internal report criticized his treatment of a female colleague during a rowdy band trip to Michigan in 2006. Reports of band members' hazing, alcohol use and inappropriate sexual behavior prompted the university to put the band on probation after the trip. So now we all know, it’s not the Greek Life that you want to be involved with on the Madison campus…Hell no! It’s the Band Life! That’s where the party’s at! Then-Chancellor John Wiley threatened band members with losing performance and travel privileges. In an October 2006 letter to Leckrone, he called band members' behavior "boorish to patently dangerous and unlawful," as seminude band members were alleged to have danced suggestively and there were reports of women being forced to kiss other women to be allowed to enter bathrooms on a bus. Damn, America Pie cast members would be so proud! There’s no telling what Alyson Hannigan would do!

Would she let Terrell Pryor score…Hmm?

2008-10-02T17:50:00.003-04:00

It’s Florida State-Miami Weekend, Can I Get a Pabst Blue Ribbon With That?
Remember not so long ago when the Miami-Florida State game was must see boobtubism. Whatever happened to them days? Now this great rivalry is no different than the first Presidential Debate that aired last week and nobody gave a shit about, (check the ratings). Since this game has fallen off the face of the f-ing college football landscape, this weekend these two renew their rivalry as the Criminoles travel to South Florida to take on the Convicts.

True, these teams aren't as they used to be when they held sway over the 80's & 90's, but have we ever seen a rivalry such as fierce as this one is/was, falling so below the radar screen. Shit, the Pop Warner game in my neighborhood this weekend is getting more publicity than this. For the past couple of seasons, this annual gridiron battle bringing us exciting moments like these, (depending upon if you’re a FSU or UM fan)...

To now being best characterized and mentioned in the same breath as this God awful "Super Bowl Shuffle Wannabe Remix". (WARNING: LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! And if you can't get through the entire 5 minutes I won't blame you!)

Sadly though, that’s the best way to put it what this game has become in recent years. It holds about as much value as the epic annual tilt between BYU-Utah nowadays…And at least for this year that might be generous. WHOA! Who would’ve ever thought that would be the case? Speaking of case, the UM-FSU game, it’s like buying a case of Genesee when you’re used to Sam Adams, (pick your flavor)…Like guzzling some Busch when you’re in need of Miller Lite…Making out with some Pabst Blue Ribbon because Bud Light was busy…Satisfying your hops craving with some Milwaukee’s Best as opposed to some Icehouse…Relying on the Red Dog to make this Sunshine State Showdown worth watching when we all know some Coors should be in your coozie!

Wow, how far has this game fallen from the national spotlight…WHOA!

2008-10-02T12:09:00.001-04:00

Chicago Cubs Playoff Baseball is Nothing More Than an Etch-A-Sketch…
That is when it comes to the post-season. All that hard work they put into the regular season, getting the fans all hot and bothered just like "Cindy" does as she suffocates us with her all natural Double-D body parts knowing full well when the rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" is over she’s taking her $10 and leaving. Same thing with the Northsiders when the calendar turns to October and there’s still baseball being played in Wrigleyville…And so began that trend last night as the Dodgers came into the friendly confines and yet again showed us why the Cubs are, well, the Cubs!

Okay, perhaps it’s a little too early for all the doom and gloom. On second thought, no it’s not! We all know how the story ends…Read the book many times! We just don’t know how and when the choking will commence, we just know it will! As I said last night to my roommate even before the loveable losers took the field, that even though the White Sox had to be on life support just to make the postseason, that I wholeheartedly believe that they will advance farther in these playoffs. Quite simply I based that statement on, well, the Cubs, they’re the Cubs…And just as
Dennis Green says, "They are who we thought they were!"

And so in this 2008 edition of the MLB playoffs, the 100 years of agony will soon turn into 101…Hell, it already started last night! We just don’t know when the Cubs are going to erase themselves as if they were something drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Oh wait, they are…

There’s always next year, right? GO CUBBIES!!! Oh yeah, and kudos on the drawing Etch-A-Sketch dude…It makes me want to go out and buy one again so I can once again draw stick figures on it.

2008-10-01T16:35:00.000-04:00

Cedric Benson-Cincinnati Bengals…Is There a More Perfect Match?
On the heels of this country seemingly going down the shitter because those ass holes in Washington can’t get on the same page, wondering what’s going to happen next? Will Joe Six Pack be laid off, because incidentally 6.1 percent of us are unemployed…And that number will only continue to rise and this country runs a muck! It’s just too bad that we can’t have the peeps who run the Cincinnati Bengals on Capital Hill. Not sure which would be better…Shit heads who say they have our backs, but in all honesty don’t or the Bengals brass whose odds are would sign Rae Carruth the moment he gets out of the slammer? They employ anybody!

The Bengals have said that they want to change their entire persona…That be of losing and not being labeled the Mean Machine of the NFL. The losing they did change for a few years at least, but now your fathers Bengals have resurfaced this year. Although, I’m a bit perplexed…The Bengals want to change their image of not having anything to do with individuals who exemplify character concerns, but if you’re trying to do that, um, do you sign Cedric Benson? Instead of trying to clean up that persona, um, aren’t you just adding to it? Arguably you’ll not find a better fit anywhere of one specific player to one specific team…I mean, the fit of these two sides can’t get anymore perfect, as both represent what the other is!

Look I understand the need for a running back in The Natti do to Kenny Watson’s hamstring issue and Chris Perry’s non existence…And having to choose either Cedric Benson or Shaun Alexander to fill the role is not exactly ideal for anybody! For all intensive purposes every GM in the league would’ve chosen Benson over Alexander…That’s along the same of choosing Obama over McCain, don’t know when the old foggie will fall down in the wind!

And given the state of the Bengals O-Line, um, hell, they could sign Usain Bolt if the run blocking, (hell, just the blocking as a whole) by the offensive line doesn't improve, hello news flash, Benson won’t fair much better. This cat, well, lets just say no one ever accused him of being elusive, except maybe behind the wheel of a boat! Benson running exactly as he is, at least in terms of style. Too often, the first person who touches him also tackles him. That's not really a spectacular trait in a player who seems to seek out contact. Sounds like a great addition in addition to that offensive line!

Okay, okay…I get that everybody in this country deserves, (or is it gets) a second chance. Truth of the matter is in the NFL world, he still doesn’t have a lot of miles on him and was still a fourth overall selection for a reason, (I think, verdict still out on that). So in reality the Bungles had nothing to lose, since it looks like the Bungles have come back to the NFL after being in hibernation for a few years. Truth be told though, this will undoubtedly be Benson’s "last call".

I just can’t help but wonder if Cedric Benson was supposed to be a Bengal all a long! A douchebag who had two grand juries recently declined to indict him on various carousing-while-intoxicated charges, and the Bengals reach out to you…Man, makes you wonder! Another thing I’m pondering…Will he be named one of the Bengals captains this week?

2008-10-01T13:01:00.001-04:00

Al Davis…Does he Best Resemble?
A.)A Babbling Senile Idiot who has it out for Chris Mortenson
B.)The Grim Reaper
C.)The Dude from Saw
D.) Gollum from Lord of the Rings

Now before answering this very difficult questions abruptly, allow me to make a suggest to you. You should check the video surveillance first. Roll it…
http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80b43727

Gees, I’m not sure if that made things any easier? Think things just got more difficult to answer with that…Damn It! Although, does this question really have a wrong answer? Well, lets just say you came in contact with "Pacman", (excuse me, Adam) Jones in a strip club and he had his glock pressed against your noodle and forced you to give him an answer…Only chosen one. Which would it be?

I’d be obliged to see if I could phone a friend first from Adam’s iPhone, and if that wasn’t an option…I’d say I’d have to select (D.) as my final answer!! Oh, please don’t shoot Pacman!!
Now what about you?

2008-09-30T17:22:00.000-04:00

The Over/Under on the Dallas Cowboys Season Getting T.O.’d is…?
My guess is, well oh, 33 percent sounds like a good number! That is 33 percent that it will go up in smoke! So Cowboy fans, the numbers still seem to be in your favor…Which is more than I can say for the rest of the country as the “Bailout Plan”, went, well, up in smoke too!

After for the most part of little over a year of being a great “human being”, seemingly who had overcome his pill popping issues…Looksy what happened. The real Terrell Owens, the one everybody hates once again shined through the dark clouds he casts over every NFL team that he plays for. Although not surprising in the least! For we all know Owens body language better than he does, and for us who saw the Redskins-Cowboys game on Sunday saw this coming to a postgame microphone somewhere located in Texas Stadium. However as perplexed of an ass hole he is, his post game gripes were even more out of this world! Wait a minute, what am I saying…I’m talking about Terrell Owens! None of the shit he every does, says makes sense!

"I'm a competitor and I want the ball,'' T.O. said after the 26-24 loss to the Redskins, Now sure he was a little cranky after the loss because we all know that he envisioned the Cowboys going 16-0…So understandably has reasons to pout just as “Little T” does! Implicating the coaching staff for not recognizing that he must be the focal point of the offense. Even though the numbers, (and they don’t lie) shows the quarterback throws 17 passes in your direction and you also run the ball twice for 11 yards…Which ironically just happened to be 33 percent of the Cowboys offense on Sunday. Thirty–three percent was directed towards a douchbag who thinks he needs to be involved more so…Very interesting! Speaking of the quarterback, the same one She-O came to the defensive of last year, in tears no less after getting bounced from the playoffs. Now it just looks like Terrell Owens' love affair with his “quarterback” and the rest of his Dallas teammates may be turning down the rocky path that his relationships with Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia followed. So much for the sobfest…It was a good show though! I’m just glad I had my popcorn ready!

Needless to say, we’re all going to have to get our popcorn ready…When a cat gets looked at 17 times and runs it twice on two end-arounds. Yet when asked if the ball was thrown his way often enough, Owens said:

"I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball,” oh yes, we have a hell of a show on our hands!! And adds…"Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half," Owens said. "I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to run my routes and trying to get open."

Gees, that’s so f-ing of you that you continued to do your freaking job! Wait, I just came up with a brilliant notion…Even better than the “Bailout Plan”! Movie theaters need to come up with the “Terrell Owens Popcorn Bucket”…So quite simply we don’t have to be concerned about running out of popcorn during this show! Make it the biggest, baddest popcorn bucket known to man…You know, to resemble him!

Now I’m no Jason Garrent or anything, but looksy as if the offense was forcing the ball to TO at times, at least it seemed like that, (COUGH). And you can't make me believe this line couldn't do more with running plays and blocking. What happened to draw plays with Felix? What happened to Barber/Felix packages to keep the defense guessing? What happened to Felix in the passing game since he has receiver skills? The guy’s only Maurice Jones-Drew revisited, (of course taller). Barber, well, speaks for himself…Did they even dress out on Sunday?

Look, don’t get your jock strap in a bunch just because it seems as if father time is beginning to slowly creep up on the old man. Since the iggles game, you look more like a 40-year old. DB’s are on you like flies on shit these days…Seemingly your separation from them is non-existent! Pretty soon Garrent’s going to have to take a page out of the Miami Dolphin’s playbook and drum up the “Wildcat Offense” just to make your prick ass happy! Hate to inform you of this, um, yeah, you are not as good as you think you are and um, yeah, the offense goes through F-ing Marion Barber, not you "Cast Iron Skillet Hands"!

And with the flare up of Owens yet again, finally we get back the selfishness of TO….Missed it for a season! It's amazing when the Cowboys start to implode. Next week: Pacman hits up one of the 200K strip clubs in Dallas, slaps a stripper and Jerry Jones bails him out of jail. It'll be nothing if entertaining. Let the choking begin! Have fun not winning another playoff game, Cowboy fans! I LOVE ME SOME ME!

Oh shit…Couple things just in, TO's Drama Part III coming your way. Getcha popcorn ready and enjoy the show. Not to be out done…

Drew Rosenhaus has just announced a 6 PM press conference in T.O.'s drive way. Members of the Media are cordially invited to watch his superstar do situps, lift weights, and smile--all the while telling anyone who will listen that he's under utilized and under appreciated. For those members of the media unable to attend, Rosenahus will forward tape of same scene/different team from T.O.'s days as an Eagle.

2008-09-29T17:32:00.000-04:00

Matt Bryant Exemplifies Toughness to the Fullest and Beyond
For all of us, football is a weekly ritual from September to January…It’s what we live for. No matter what kind of clusterf****tish we have going on in our everyday lives, football, (at least for a few hours anyway) is a great distraction…No matter how bad ones favorite team blows. Puts the mind at ease.

And so was the case yesterday what happened in Tampa, Florida. While us as fans treat the flying pigskin as religion, for the players that play on Sunday, well, it’s their job. Now we often rag on players in the league for various reasons, (too many to mention) we often joke around that kickers in the NFL aren’t really football players…As we make fun of them trying to attempt making a tackle, lunging and grasping nothing but air in doing so. Or having that Gero Yepremian version in our heads as he attempted, (I think) in Super Bowl VII. Yes, we all give kickers the business! Although, it can’t be argued that Matt Bryant wasn’t the toughest player to put on an NFL uniform yesterday!

It just can’t! Not when you consider that fact that a day after burying his three-month-old son, Bryant not only showed up for work, but he kicked three field goals, including a 24-yarder with 2:28 left that proved to be the difference in the Buccaneers victory over the Packers. First off this is nothing short of remarkable that Matt even showed up to work! Hell, lets take you or I for example…If this shit happened to us, there’d be no way in hell that we’d be showing up to our 7-11 job a day after burying our son asking customers how much they want on pump 4 out there! Or if somebody was bitching and complaining that we were out of slurppees, we just as soon go Kimbo Slice on their ass! How surreal must that have been for him yesterday…On the football field, doing his job. It had to have been all blurred together as I imagine the game was played out in slow-motion silence.

What Bryant was able to do yesterday defies words…It really is! He wasn’t trying to be a tough guy, one who’d play through the pain…Wasn’t trying to suck it up for the team and play through an injury. The pain that he has is unlike any of us have felt…And hopefully haven’t felt, or will never feel! Having our world crash in all around us…As we keep echoing that same sediment. Why? Why? Why? Now true, just as I mentioned about football giving us the fans a temporary distraction from our real lives, I’m sure Bryant would echo that, for this was his three hour escape! Unfortunately, it is only temporary…And as those remaining 2:28 slowly ticked away, the distraction went bye-bye and Kimbo Slice reappeared punching Matt in the gut once again!

I don’t think this can even put what Matt did into context, but the reality is what Bryant did against the Packers transcends any vague sense we might have of football toughness. Also, the reality is in a sports world of today where athletes are always thinking about themselves…Looking out for number one and in a time where it could be deemed necessary to look out and take care of oneself, Matt Bryant didn’t blink! Rather showing up for work as though nothing ever happened…When he’s an emotional wreck inside!

Yes, we tend to rip kickers often…Although, perhaps we see them in a totally different light now! One thing for sure, Matt Bryant you are the toughest player quite possible ever to step foot onto a football field!! RIP Tryson!

2008-09-29T13:12:00.001-04:00

Brett Favre Wasn't The Only Thing On Fire in East Rutherford Yesterday
Okay, so we all know by now that Brett Favre did something yesterday that he never did in his career before by torching the Arizona Cardinals defensive with six touchdown passes…Not bad for a "bum ankle". Good ole Eric Mangini take a page out of the Bill Billichick "injury report" playbook. Although something you may not have known, it’s because of that "bum ankle" that I cut Favre from my fantasy team…Brilliant call ass hole, don’t I know!

Something must’ve been in the air besides the smell over East Rutherford, New Jersey yesterday…While The Bretts, (I know, really gay) were putting the Cards over hot coals during the game, before the game looks as if who ever was the SOB in charge of bringing the grill to the tailgating party, forgot…So what’s one to do?

The ever popular Plan B…Just light the whole f-ing car on fire….

Have to cook the brats somehow! And besides, it holds the M-fer accountable for his actions!! Just don’t pay ant attention to the aluminum flavor…It’s not like it’s going to kill you!

2008-09-29T11:45:00.001-04:00

Dude…Where’s My Helmet?
We need an amber alert sent out on an University of North Carolina helmet ASAP! Last sighting? Well, here’s video surveillance…

Initial reaction to this as I saw it, um…Uncontrollable hysterical laughter! Forget a decleater and a slobberknocker…That just make you piss your pants! And you thought you had a severe hangover this that makes you feel like your head’s going to blow a gasket!

2008-09-25T18:52:00.001-04:00

Without Question, The Greatest Beer Commercial!!
Beer commercials are a dime of dozen. They’re along the same lines of pole huggers who we love visiting at are favorite gentleman’s establishments and shearing our wealth with. Just as Randy, Candy, and Bambi, want to get into our pockets, (easy boy, not in that sort of way) the same can be said for the various beer companies. Always looking for that competitive edge, (no, not steroids) against all other competitors to present there products.
Now we all have our favorite beer spots, from the Man Laws, to the Budweiser Frogs and Wasssssssssup, to Red Stripe…So on and so forth! I’m just here to tell you, that whichever beer ad you call your favorite, well, it used to be once you see this one!! Believe me when I say the following Guinness is the single greatest beer commercial ever! Hell, screw beer commercials…It’s the single greatest commercial ever! Bar None!!

But don’t take my word for it…Have a looksy for yourself! Drink up….

Priceless!! Absolutely priceless!! Although, I could do without the sloppy seconds when it comes to sharing my beer…However, in this instance, I can over look that! And on that note, um, would somebody go get me a freaking Guinness!!

2008-09-25T16:34:00.002-04:00

Millen’s Wife Labels Detroit "Football Prison"…Mark Schlereth Calls Millen "Garbage"
I would like to take this opportunity and just welcome the Detroit Lions back to the National Football League! Can’t say anybody missed you as every fan cherished to see the Lions appear on their respective team schedule over the years, and of course we’ll certainly miss that…Although, we still have the Oakland Raiders to look forward to playing. So all isn’t that bad!

Speaking of bad, I can’t decide who was worse…Matt Millen in Detroit or Isiah Thomas in New York? Pick your poison there, literally! This version of "Dumb & Dumber" can compare notes of how to run an organization into the ground…Burying it deeper and deeper year in and year out, making a travishamockery of sorts, making fans live in misery and still some how retain their freaking position with the team! They’re spitting images of each other…Well, besides one being black and one being white, (for those who are color blind).

As noted year in and year out Millen had to go….Unfortunately, it took William Clay Ford’s little ankle biter to call pops out on national television to knock some common sense into his old ass cranium. My guess is if he would’ve known it would’ve been that easy, he would’ve called pops out on national boobtubeion oh say, four or five years before this week! Surprisingly enough we were all flabbergasted, the deer in the headlights look if you will as we heard the news of Millen’s axing…Having to check our calendars to see if it was April Fools Day or something. Hell, it’s like the Lions just won the Super Bowl or something…Everybody, (well mostly everybody’s rejoicing…Get to that in a bit.

Now through Millen’s tenure, we’ve all had are opinions of this jackass from afar…Although how about peeps who had to try and work along side this loser, what must’ve that been like? Oh yeah, HELL! Wonder what Steve Mariucci thinks of this shit for brains? When asked if Millen forced him to start Joey Harrington, Mariucci offered this:

[Millen] wanted to see if we could make [Harrington] into a legitimate starting quarterback -- a winning quarterback -- and I was willing to do that early. As time went on, you know, a young quarterback with a young team -- that's not a good recipe for success.

So, we weren't quite sure that he was going to be the guy. In fact, we suggested, you know, trading with somebody else for other veteran quarterbacks because we gradually believed that Joey would be better suited to be a backup for a while and watch somebody else do it.

So Matt wasn't willing to spend more money on the quarterback position. Matt insisted that we try to develop Joey and build up other parts of the team while we were trying to develop his skills, but it wasn't going to happen.

Mariucci also gave his thoughts on Millen taking wideouts Charles Rogers and Mike Williams with top-10 picks even though, as Rich Eisen suggested, he was against it:

Philosophically, when you build a team -- and, you know, he took the team apart -- they were 9-7 when Matt took over, they were a decent football team and he tried to take it apart and get it to the next level. So there's a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done. With that said, to spend four early draft picks on one position is philosophically difficult to do because you are maybe loading up one position, which two out of the four worked out. Calvin Johnson is going to be a good player and so is Roy [Williams].

But Mike Williams was not somebody we collectively wanted to draft. That came as quite a surprise on draft day that we ended up drafting him when there were so many other good players on the board. In the meantime, you neglect your defense and some other areas of need...
But [Millen] was trying to put in a supporting cast for Joey, to develop Joey's ability to succeed and he did it with the receiver position.

Mooch, didn’t throw him under the bus too bad…He just stated the obvious that everybody knew! HE’S A SHITFORBRAINS!

Although while everybody has taken a shot at Millen, a few hours after Matt Millen was fired, finally, from his job of running the Detroit Lions into the ground, his wife decided to take a shot at the franchise that showed her husband more loyalty as any employer has ever shown any employee in human history….Here's what she said:

"We're fine," Millen's wife, Patty, told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen. "In the world's view, this may look like failure. It's been a hard road, footballwise, but we've gotten a lot of eternal blessings. We'll move forward. I told him, 'You're out of football prison now' and we have a greater purpose."

Failure huh, Patty? How about an abortion, not to mention one big clusterfu**…Yeah, you forgot to mention that as well. Interesting, I didn’t know Detroit was known as "football prison"? Funny, I don’t remember it being that way before hubby arrived in town coming as they came off a 9-7 season. Not forgetting that they made the playoffs six of the nine years before that. So yeah, that "football prison" you want to make Detroit out to be, well, hate to tell you sweetie, but good ole hubby built that prison from the ground up. And by the Lions firing your dumbass husband, that’s the first step in the demolition of the "prison". Since your husband's arrival, the Lions have never even been close to sniffng the playoffs. Hey Patsy, the reason why Big Matt’s tenure in Detroit looks like a failure, well, that’s real easy…Because f-ing was!

Surprisingly enough it wasn’t just Matt’s ball & chain coming to his rescure, actually it was bizarre to hear ESPN's Tony Kornheiser claim on Pardon the Interruption that Millen was qualified. Wait a minute…Who am I kidding, bizarre! I should consider the source of this hot air…

"I know him a long time," Kornheiser said. "I think he was qualified for his job. I think that his years of being a player, and his years of being on television, helped him evaluate personnel. I'm stunned by the totality of his failure because I like the guy a lot."

Dan Le Batard then proceeded to tell Kornheiser he's an idiot…
"You're sucking up to him because he's friends with you," Le Batard said. "Because you guys have always liked him and this is how he's gotten ahead. He should have never had that job." "How can you defend Matt Millen as being qualified for that position?"

Dan, that’s real easy…TK’s "qualified for that position" logic is the same exact logic ESPN used to put this clown in the Monday Night booth in the first place! So yes, it all makes perfect sense…Just like that freaking pythagorean theorem does!

And then ESPN’s Mark Schleretz brought some actual common sense to the table, echoing what the majority of us felt about the Millen Detroit debacle…

Schlereth prefaced his comments by saying he personally likes Millen. "He's a guy that I respect," Schlereth said. "A guy that I love." And then Schlereth put the key in the ignition and then began to back the bus over him after throwing him under it…For good reason of course!"It may be the worst personnel job in the history of the National Football League," Schlereth said. "He was horrible. Matt was -- I mean, it was absolute garbage."

"Garbage"…Wonder if that could be construed as "Failure"?

Now here’s where it gets interesting… Millen is fond of saying that people who criticize his tenure running the Detroit Lions don't understand the game of football. Is he going to say that about Schlereth as well? All Schlereth is, is, well, played in two Pro Bowls, won three Super Bowl rings and been around the game his entire life…That’s all! But yet does he understand football? The verdict is still out on that, as in O.J. staying out of the slammer for a double murder. I just know losing isn’t good…And when you lose very often, well, you’re failing! And when you’re making the wrong personnel moves every time you make a freaking personnel decision, well yeah, then, it can be interpreted as being garbage! Of course, I don’t understand football! But Patty sure seems to have a pulse for it!

2008-09-24T17:36:00.001-04:00

Date Night Advice with Texas Tech Coach Mike Leech
We all know of those call in shows that every collegiate coach in America has…It’s an opportunity to give fans of that respective team time to shoot the shit with the ole ball coach, while allowing the institution to prosper ever more so by having local sponsors for the telecasts. Throughout these annual renditions it’s the same old shit, callers call in giving congrats for the victories and ready to hang the coach for all the loses.

Questions range from, "How about if we do this instead of this?" "And how come so and so isn’t playing?" Okay, first off genius…This isn’t high school or pee wee leagues here! So if a particular player isn’t playing, that pretty much means he sucks balls! It’s plan and simple! Second of all, I’m sure every coach in America laughs their asses off when fans try to give them pointers! Look, there’s a reason why you sit in the LastRow of Sec. 077 and not strolling the sideline…Of course though, every coach in the country says the politically correct thing and responds, "we’ll surely take that into consideration.

These episodes are so vanilla…However, once in a while they tend to get spiced up a little. And what a better football coach to do the than Texas Tech coach Mike Leech. Besides being a wack offense progenitor - football coach. And not having the ability to schedule a non-conference opponent with a pulse, besides all that, Mike Leech, well, he appears to be a "First Date Expert".

Lets check it out shall we…

Yeah Dr. Phil, where you at punk! How awesome is that, a Big 12 football coach giving dating advice. And not just any old advice…Shockingly it was pretty good advice. Although one thing, the weirdos in the coffee shop, of course they’ll be…You live in Lubbock for God’s sake! Weirdos aren’t just relegated to them coffee shops down there…Never been there, but I’m guessing they’re all over!

The question that I have is, just say "the caller" took the advice of Love Doctor Leech…Followed his gameplan to the "T", um what happens when he’s forced to call an audible? Does this dating tip come with some kind of "helpful hints wristband" where the advice is scripted out and all "the caller" has to do is look down at it and pick out a formation he likes and go with it? Because as we all know some establishments are louder than others, which does make hearing quite difficult at times!

So the next time you’re in Lubbock, Texas, (which I don’t know why you would ever want to be) but if you are and you haven’t got the f-ing slightest idea what to do, just remember, Mike Leech…He’s only one phone call away!

2008-09-24T17:09:00.001-04:00

Alabama-Georgia…It’s on Like a Donkey Kong "F-ING FUNERAL" Saturday Night
As with any big college football game, the anticipation throughout the course of the week leading up to it is well, enormous. And so here we are, about ready to close out the first month of the season with another one of these games. First it was Ohio State-USC, um yeah, I’d would’ve rather hammered nails into my eyes…For one thing, it would’ve been more exciting! The media folks tried their damndest to build up the Tennessee-Florida game a week ago…Again, would’ve rather rode out Hurricane Ike! More thrilling! Same goes for the Clemson-Alabama matchup to start the year! However, if you try-try again, you’re bound to get one correct and last weeks billing of LSU-Auburn finally lived up to what it was supposed to be!So here we sit this week, where the "Game of the Century", (or week…however, one wants to look at it) will be between The Hedges when the Fighting UGA’s host the Fighting Elephants, or simply…Alabama-Georgia!
Another battle between two top ten teams…It’s what we’ve come to expect from the SEC week in and week out! And so the media attention began shining the spotlight on this game last Sunday, as Georgia announced then that it would black out Saturday’s game against Alabama. That’s right, one big "Black Out"…Just a question, I thought black was the color appropriate for funerals. Why do teams have this notion that all black uni’s will put the fear of God into them…I never understood that?

So obviously there’s only one thing for Nick Saban to do then, but wear a black Alabama golf shirt to his press conference. Of course! Responding to a writer who noted the black Alabama polo like this…

"It was the only thing I could find at the house this morning." Here, take a listen for yourself…(fast forward through all the blah, blah, blah…the cooking of the meat and potatoes begins at the 4:25 mark. Listen closely…Besides being a football coach, Nick Saban is one hell of a comedian).

Um Nick, if that was the only thing you had to wear, um, either, A) your ball-n-chain at home doesn’t like to do any kind of laundry, or B) I just have to know what the hell you’ve done with all that loot that the Alabama Slammer boasters dumped in your lap? Only thing you had to wear…Gees, I know things are tough in this country nowadays, but holy shit! Having to ransack through your hamper in order to get dressed, damn!

Although funny thing is, Mark Richt and Nick Saban must have a common joke writer. They used the same quip about their shirts about 24 hours apart on opposite sides of the border. So on Tuesday Mark Richt decides to wear a red Georgia golf shirt instead of getting into the blackout spirit…Responding in nearly the same fashion…(Sorry, no video footage of this)

"It was the only thing I could find at the house this morning."

Okay now, it’s a known fact that the SEC coaches get paid the most jack of any other D-I football conference in the nation…Is it preposterous to fathom that if their battle axes at home aren’t keeping up with the honey dos around the crib, (i.e., the laundry) couldn’t they just hire somebody? I’m thinking if one is making 2-4 million a year…Hell, shouldn’t he at least have clean threads to go to press conferences in?

So it goes without saying, the pre-game hype has already started. But you can’t tell by the press conferences. Both teams kept their answers guarded….Disregarding their apparel of course!
They praised the opposition and even held their criticism vague enough to mean anything. It will be hard for anybody to find bulletin-board material. Keeping their yaps closed…Not like that Clemson Defensive Coordinator who got a searve case of oral diarrhea before the Alabama game. Yeah oops! Bulletin-board material will be nonexistent as Saban and Richt have respectively evoked a gag order to everybody associated with their respective team. Yep, when the cameras and tape recorders are rolling it’s time to super glue the lips together!Although, I wonder what’s said in practice, where they’re no mics and cameras around? Well here, why don’t we have a looksy at a Alabama practice this week…And as Paul Westerdawg of GeorgiaSportsBlog points out an Alabama assistant coach using the Black out this Saturday as motivation for BAMA to bury the Dawgs. His exact words at the 1:03 mark in the video are this...

(For those of you who can’t make out the mumble jumble…Here, I’ll help you out)
MUMBLE JUMBLE TRANSLATION, HE SAID…
"THEY ARE WEARING BLACK BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO A MOTHER F-ING FUNERAL!"

Two things here…A) that gets back to my earlier mention of my funeral theory. And B), well, if it wasn’t already on by the two coaches mocking each other in dirty clothes, just got one thing to say! IT’S ON LIKE F-ING DONKEY KONG NOW, JACK! OH YEAH!! Were’s Michael Buffer when you need him?

2008-09-23T16:51:00.000-04:00

Rodney Harrison Tags Ricky Williams as "Dirty"! (Try Not to Laugh Too Hard)
Here’s a hard to believe story…A story for all intensive purposes is actually just down right comical to say the least coming from Sunday’s game where the Dolphins smacked the Pats right up side their head continuously. And yes, Ronnie Brown just scored again!

Speaking of Brown’s fantasy day, well it’s a known fact that Patriots safety Rodney Harrison, considered by many, including players, fans and just about everyone who isn't involved with his team, to be the dirtiest player in the NFL is now bitching and complaining that, get this, somebody might have played dirty against his team on Sunday. How classical is that…It’s really priceless! A guy who won a poll this off-season conducted by Sports Illustrated peeps no less polling various peeps around the league in regard to the dirtiest player in the league…Who actually won the poll hands down is now calling another player dirty. Where’s the MasterCard commercial when you need one? Although in fairness to Rowdy Roddy, I guess he should know considering he’s the poster child for dirty tactics.

Here’s a little soundbyte from the Sun-Sentinel…
Harrison was angry about the first play of the fourth quarter, when Ronnie Brown sprinted 62 yards with a direct snap. The officials called Williams for a dead-ball personal foul for chop-blocking Patriots linebacker Mike Vrabel, an infraction offset by Vrabel's unnecessary roughness penalty. Was Williams' block dirty? "Of course it was," Harrison said. "Of course it was. There's no place in the game for that."

That’s just purely comical! Shit, it’s not like he’s calling the kettle back or anything…That’s along the same lines of a heroin addict who’s arms are one of that of a human pin cushion telling somebody else who’s ready to stab themselves with a needle not to use and abuse! Simply because there’s no place in life for that…Yeah, that’s just totally f******* awesome! And Ricky Williams will begin conducting seminars on why one shouldn’t smoke the hippie lettuce. My thinking is, well, perhaps Rodney was just a little too high on HGH when he made this spat…He does seem to have issues with that as well!

Hell, it’s not like throughout his 15-year career, he has recorded over $200,000 in fines from the NFL, while also being suspended for a hit during the 2002 season on wide receiver Jerry Rice...No sir! Honestly, if one tried to make this shit up, well it’d be impossible to…F******* impossible! For this can't be made up. Of course, this isn't the first time Harrison has complained about other teams playing dirty. The good news is, we all know what’s coming next…At some point, Bill Belechick’s going to accuse some other team of cheating! Oh yeah, that’s coming!

Here we are three games into the season and everybody associated with the Pats sound like this. Oh, what’s a matter…Need to go suck on mommies left tit? Or is it the right one? Will that make things better? Nevertheless, cry, cry, cry…Ever since their season went up in smoke in the desert last season! Tom Brady’s knee is shredded wheat…"Oh, that was a dirty hit!" "Bernard Pollard needs to be punished…That was a cheap shot!" Now this hot air coming from the other Dick-Rod piehole. I guess we’re lucky Bill Belecheat doesn’t talk!

Point is everybody involved with the Pats needs to glue their lips together and stop contributing to global warming. Wait, wait, isn’t that what we kept hearing this same team saying just a year ago, regarding to them running up the score? And wasn’t it them who didn’t want to hear any of the bitching and complaining? Well, looksy what we have here…Why, this season it would appear as if though the shoe’s on the other foot now, doesn’t it? I just have one question…You guys like apples? Well, how about them F******** APPLES!

2008-09-23T12:50:00.003-04:00

Who Gagged on a Lays Potato Chip as Tom Brady Crumbled?
Here we are, two weeks into living in the LAB, (that’s short for Life After Brady) and one would’ve thought it’d be getting old by now ripping the Pats and their crybaby fans…That couldn’t be more further from the truth! Actually, it’s the whole reason why I wake up in the morning, well that and also because my freaking bladder is about to burst…Guys, you feel me on that one! Figurative speaking of course! Not literally…All you Pickle Pirates back the F-Off!
I’m guessing I’m not the only one who’s wearing my Bernard Pollard Fan Club nightshirt to bed every evening…For it brings me sweet dreams of seeing the Patriots season come crashing down as Bernard lunges for the Golden Boy, slowing falling to the turf. Bringing all the hopes of playing in Super Bowl XLIII with him.

Sweet dreams for me and many others that is who diSPIES. For those who are Pats fan, well, different story…And let me just say my heart pumps piss for you…It really does! Must admit though I get my rocks off as I rejoice watching you agonize! I really do!
Take this follow clip for example…Very amusing indeed, but around the 35 seconds the "Shock and Awe" look gets me going in my pants every time. Just something about a Pat fan choking to death on his Lays potato chip that I just find humorous!

Roll it…

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Some shit never gets too old!!!

2008-09-22T17:08:00.001-04:00

Ronnie Brown Shows the World the Real Bill Belichick
Well, we knew it had to end sooner or later, so why not just get it over with. I’m referring to the Patriots regular season unbeaten streak. However, to the Dolphins…Are you f******* serious? It wasn’t like the floundering fish won on the final play where Chad Pennington finally decided to throw like a man and his hailmary prayers were answered. No, wasn’t like that at all, but rather a good ole fashion woodshed beat down. Oh, wait a minute…I think Ronnie Brown just scored again! This time returning a punt.

Aw yes, life without Tom Brady…Um, I can’t help but wonder if the happiest people are in Cleveland today? For the Bill Belecheat that they knew and adored so much has apparently reemerged! Okay, okay, I’ll admit perhaps I’m premature with that…All I know is in two and a half games without the Golden Child the Godness like aura that has been attached to Double B has diminished. The two wins this season have been squealers…And yesterday getting out coached by some first year no name who only got the Dolphins head coaching position is simply because he’s BFF with the Tuna. Not just beating, but running circles around you by running a college gimmick offense…Which in turn made you really look like a jackass considering you’re a “Defensive Guru”. Yeah, some guru…When you have this “deer in the headlight” look the entire game, not having any answers. And Ronnie Brown just scored again!

Let’s think back to all that chatter last year, (before the Super Bowl) about renaming the Vince Lombardi Trophy the Bill Spyeyes Trophy…About how Double B is the greatest person to ever put on a headset and prowl the sideline. Um, care to re-think that notion? Look, I know it’s just one game and he’s won 18 of his last 20…Although, times, oh yes, they’re changing. Yesterday’s only the beginning! Hell, if a first year head coach of a doormat team can kick the shit out of the Pats, then, well…My point exactly!

Truth of the matter, (and this will be argued the entire season), but two and a half games without Brady…Well, we can see he’s nothing without little Tommy! And that’s a fact! Arrogance and BB go hand and hand…And well, looks like that’s going to come back and bite ya, Billy Bob! Having arrogance by not picking up a legit back up qb…For the Dog ate my homework excuse, Matt Cassel knows the system! Um, here’s a newsflash Bill, the system is chuck it deep to Randy Moss! With the check down being Wes Walker…Yeah, tough system to learn! So tough in fact, a YMCA signal caller can run it. See, there’s a reason why Cassel has been and will always be a life long backup! It’s not like you guys stumbled onto another hidden gem by drafting him as you did with Tom. And Ronnie Brown just picked off Cassel and took it to the house!

Speaking of a YMCA signal caller…I tend to think he would’ve carved up the Fish’s defense more than little Matty did. Are you kidding me? It’s the freaking Dolphins! Yeah, Bill Belecheat is a f******** genius…Yes, sir! But this isn’t about what Cassel can or can’t do, it’s about BB. About BB getting all the glory thanks in part to one Tom Brady…Riding his arm and abilities to the promise land. Because if we think back to when Drew Bledsoe’s lung got planted into the Foxboro’s stadium turf, you were nothing more than mediocre then…And what happened, Brady saved the day and made you what you are!

See, the Bill Belechick that was in Cleveland, that’s the real Bill Belechick…And as evident by yesterday’s woodshed beating, he’s about to resurface this season! In the process of doing so, um, yeah, good luck with that Randy Moss cat! You’re going to need it! Lets see how much longer he remains a “swell teammate”. Probably as long as you remain Gods gift to NFL coaching…As in Not For Long!

This just in…Ronnie Brown just returned a punt to the house!

2008-09-22T15:57:00.000-04:00

Brady Quinn, Where You at Dawg…?
Oh yeah, that’s right…You’re still over on the sideline writing down all the mistakes that Derek Anderson is making so you can show oh Romeo, oh Romeo, where art thou? After all numbers don’t lie…And Romeo, when you have a goose egg still in the win column after three weeks, well that’s just not going to get it done! And when Brady’s not busy doing that he’s busy calculating how many times Braylon Edwards gets scared shitless when he sees a flying pigskin coming right at’em…BRAYLON LOOK OUT!! DUCK SON!!

Needless to say, there’s a whole lot of calculating in the Cleveland Browns organization after three games into this season…Primarily in the office of one Phil Savage! Yeah, right about now he’s looking for a tall tree and a short rope. After drafting Brady Quinn to be the face of the franchise for years to come, Derek Anderson comes out of Bufu, Idaho last year, (wow, in a contract year no less…shocker). As I reference to this situation last year it’s what the San Diego Chargers went through with the whole Brees-Rivers saga. All of us thought Anderson was going to get the same treatment…A one night stand if you will, be gone by 10 a.m. or else. Shockingly enough, Savage re-signed the “one year wonder” to a be fat pay day…Now the question is when does D.A trade in his helmet and position behind center to a baseball cap and holding the clipboard on the sidelines?

It’s only a matter of time! Or is it? Cleveland wants to win…After all, they were supposed to make noise this season for a variety of different reasons. Does Quinn give the Browns a better chance to win? Nobody knows the answer to that question! Although the question I have is will the economic factor come into play now? The Browns backed up the Brinks truck for D.A. to play…Not to be a sideline spectator. This same theory can be applied to Brady Quinn as well…They didn’t make the draft day trade with the Cowboys for nothing! To be fair to Anderson, the Browns problems are far greater than one single player…It’s a collective disaster in Cleveland after three games. That being said, it is only three games…And with all the talent that the Brownies have and given the entire AFC is wide open, the season is far from over. However, you keep digging a grave for yourself, at some point you’re going to lay in it…And Cleveland has a great head start on their grave digging techniques. It’s about the only thing that they’ve done well so far this season.

Goes without saying, there’s a dilemma on Lake Erie…Okay, probably more than one. Just have to wonder if shit keeps going in a downward tailspin when will Romeo and Co., (sounds like a Cleveland Law Firm) pull the plug on Derek Anderson in favor of Quinn? After all, we all saw last year how short Charlie Frye’s leash was…One half. It only took one half before he found himself to go from NFL starting quarterback to now part of the witness protection program. Man, whatever happened to that cat?

Hindsight is 50/50, but for all intensive purposes we all saw this coming…Perhaps not the 0-3 start for a team that had high hopes in regarding the quarterback position. So now that Romeo’s “seat heater” has been turned on…At what point does he turn to Quinn in hopes of him providing a spark? If that match doesn’t get sparked relatively soon, looks like Crennel will find out why the NFL stands for Not For Long…As he’ll be looking for new employment! I mean, if Cleveland isn’t going to use Quinn, how about sending him back to South Bend? We really miss his services!

2008-09-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

Do you Turn to Stuart Scott for Your Weather Coverage?
Here’s something that will make you go, "Hmmmmm" What’s worse, having Stuart Scott as an ESPN sports anchor or having to turn to him when one’s dealing with a weather crisis? I know, very tough call! Just be glad you didn’t live in Raleigh, North Carolina when peeps had no choice but to turn to Scott in 1989, when having to deal with a freaking blizzard…Damn, come on, it’s not like shit not bad enough, right. Just when peeps thought it couldn’t get any worse, well…

StuWeatherman
by AA111

Sorry, it just did! Man, I was waiting for the catch phrase, "it’s as cool as the other of the pillow out here!" I could just hear the Scott 89 version when Hurricane Hugo was barreling down on the Carolinas, "Boo-yah," here he blows…Yeah, speaking of which Stewie. Or perhaps this on, "Check if you're bleeding...Cause we just got tagged!" Followed by, "Aye, Papi, I did not know you could do it like that!" Yeah well, "Boo-Yah"! Feel very bad for the peeps at WRAL-TV 5…Their viewership ratings must’ve blew hard than Hugo!

The irony here is sometime after Scott’s exploration in "blizzard awareness" coverage and before he went Jim McMahon on himself and stabbed himself in the eye with a fork he was a sports anchor in Orlando, Florida for WESH-2. Being a resident O-Town, I had the dubious distinction of listening to Mr. "Eye Wanderer" for far too long…So Raleigh peeps, I feel your pain! Hell, he made want to stab myself in the eye with a fork…Although, not I’m not alone in that regard! For now we all want to!

Big thanks in the asses at WRAL-TV 5 in Raleigh for this shit for brains!! "I ain't sayin' nothin', but that ain't right!"

2008-09-18T17:02:00.000-04:00

Never Operate A Moped While Drunk…
Time to revisit the college years…And for those readers who haven’t had their experience yet, well this is what you have to look forward to. First let me just start by saying college is a big waste of time! All you get out of the four, five, six, seven, (whichever plan you sign up for) years is deeper in debt…That’s it! That damn piece of paper won’t get you a job…A lot of dumbasses believe so, but that damn thing holds as much value as the toilet paper we wipe our asses with, that is unless you went to school to become a Jose Baez, (see Casey Anthony about that) or a doctor! Those are the only things that going to get a college edumaction is good for. For everybody else, the thing that will work…Um, yeah, it’s called connections!

Although as we know, (or some have yet to find out) when you’re not wasting your time away in classrooms, doing projects, or writing papers using the "copy and paste" technique, (not that I know anything about that) you’re busy partying your ass off and part of that is getting shitfaced in the process. Which leads me to an ever popular lesson that I learned…See college also teaches you life lessons when one is in shitfaced mode! It was, "don’t try and do your best Brett Favre impression in the hallway of your dorm with a 12-pack of Bud Light in your gut with your boys…Pretending they were Antonio Freeman, Bubba Franks, etc., (even though they where white)!" Now true, Brett would’ve been so proud seeing that ball being lasered up and down the hall, however, when the flying pigskin snaps the fire sprinkler and turns the dorm into a water park free of charge…Well, I guess that’s why Brett’s an NFL quarterback and I’m not! For sure, he would’ve called an audible and not have the fire department show up and the dorm be evacuated!

See, now that’s the kind of shit that you can only learn in college…And it seems Wisconsin linebacker Jonathan Casillas would know exactly what I’m referring to. Shitforbrains is due in court Friday to face DUI and other charges related to an August 24 incident, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reports. Okay, so we hear of this happening all the time, right? So what’s the big deal with getting cited for a DUI? Well, apparently the word hasn’t gotten out that there's absolutely nothing funny about drunk driving, which kills about 13,000 people a year in the United States, according to Mothers Against Drunk Driving. So Casillas was pulled over by university police while driving his moped with a passenger on it. His preliminary blood alcohol level was .15, almost twice Wisconsin's .08 limit. Wait, wait…Hold up! A moped?

What the f*** is that? We’ve heard of Bill Murray being cited for a DUI while operating a golf cart, but a moped…What Big Jon, you’re too big to operate a Fisher Price Big Wheels? Or your little brother wouldn’t loan it to you, so you figured why not try the moped instead? Look, we all know how gas is quite expensive these days. But ... come on. A moped? Did you ever come to think that a tricycle might be the safer route? No, I don’t think you did…And for that I’m glad Badger coach Bret Bielema told the Wisconsin State Journal that he has already disciplined Casillas and the linebacker will not face additional disciplinary measures…Although I think Casillas needs to face additional measures! He really needs to understand just how severe this really is to be a football player operating a damn moped…Before he’s the laughing stock on the football field, oops, too late!

The good news, Casillas will not miss any games due to jail time, the worst penalty he can face is a $300 fine, a $355 surcharge, and a nine-month suspension of his driver's license. Well that’s good to know…He won’t miss any games. Although receiving a nine-month suspension of his driver’s license is just plain humorous…All because of being intoxicated behind the wheel, (I think) of a moped! Classic! Lucky he and his passenger weren't hurt and didn't hurt anybody…Well, that is unless you consider his pride! Looks like Fisher Price’s Big Wheels line will be Casillas best friend for the next nine months!

2008-09-11T17:06:00.000-04:00

Remembering the Day the Sports World Stopped…
Seven years ago today! Where were you?

2008-09-11T16:10:00.000-04:00

Charlie Weis Writes Michigan Check, but Can Notre Dame Cash it?
Well it’s Thursday and we all know what that means back from our college days…Woo Hoo, the weekend is finally here! Ever wonder why we consider Thursdays to officially begin the weekends? I mean in the fall, such as we are in now so to speak, it makes complete sense…Thursdays officially kickoffs the football weekends. And with having said that, the weekend is indeed upon us.

Now for the most part we’re all looking forward to the showdown in Los Angeles Saturday night…Well, at least we know Carson Palmer is for sure! However, a polehugger dubbed "Jewel" gets my blood flowing much more than the anticipated matchup between the Suckeyes and the Trojans…Look, speaking of blood, we all know it’s going to be a blood bath! We all know what the Sucks are all about…They dominate the Big Ten, just too bad that conference doesn’t matter in the college football landscape anymore! So why expect anything less than another loss to a premier football power…The last two BCS National Championships, well, nuff said!

So as I look for another ABC Primetime game not to live up to all the hype, (please see another USC overhyped matchup last season in Lincoln, Nebraska) I look at another Big Ten team heading out to the West Coast to be the better of the two high profile games when Wisconsin, (kudos for them flying out to the Valley) takes on Fresno State. Although what do I know anyway?

I know one thing, that a coach has no business writing a check that his team will have a very difficult time cashing this week, judging their performance a week ago against San Diego State! During the annual Blue & Gold Game Charlie Weis writes saying, "The Hell with Michigan" during the pregame breakfast…Of course since then he’s backed off those comments. Saying he was joking around and trying to honor the late Bo Schembechler when he used to remark, "The Hell with Notre Dame!"

HaHa, very funny Weis…Although judging from this following clip, um, yeah, I don’t think the thought of Bo Schembechler even entered your mind here…Not to mention the fact that it’s difficult to swallow the notion you were paying tribute to him at a f******* Notre Dame function! Yeah Charlie, my dog ate my play calling sheet too! (For those of you who don’t want to waste 7-plus minutes of your life, just fast forward up to around the 1:12 mark)

Um, did I mention HaHa? Oh yeah, I did! I bet Bo likes you paying tribute to him! See, the problem with you Charlie, aside from your weight…Is the fact that you blow way too much hot air considering the position your football program’s in! Coming off a 3-9 season and then having to have a late rally sparked by a fumble recovery at the goalline to beat SDSU, your act is growing very old to say the least! The knock on Tyrone Willingham was he couldn’t recruit, something you can do…But what’s worse? Not being able to recruit and being mediocre or pumping your chest because on paper you have a shit load of talent, but not having the ability to make any noise with it…That of course besides the noise always coming out of you cakehole! Speaking of cake, why don’t you go have a few pieces, at least your yap will stay closed! Then at least the team doesn’t have to be concerned about cashing your checks for your…Come to think of it, shouldn’t you be more worried about saving you job? And cashing your own paychecks?

2008-09-11T12:44:00.002-04:00

The Real Truth UnCOVERed Behind BRADYGATE…Not Surprising
The outcries are still as loud as ever…The tears are still flowing resembling Niagara Falls…Everybody’s walking around in a state of depression, living in a state of denial, the fact of the matter is that Tom Brady’s still out for the year! Every Pat fan living the life of on Nancy Kerrigan, wondering why, why, why…Asking themselves if Bernard Pollard is just simply Jeff Gillooly incognito. Good theory, really it is! However, I have my own theory as to why the Golden Boy’s knee got Gillooly with some damn good merit behind it! Here, check it out for yourself…
http://blog.sportscolumn.com/story/2008/9/9/135318/4758/nfl_ne/The_Madden_cover_that_should_have_been
And if that wasn’t enough, fan anybody wishing to show their support by becoming a full fledged to The Bernard Pollard Fan Club, well here you go…
http://www.believemerch.com/

2008-09-10T17:29:00.002-04:00

"Which Cheerleaders are Better?" The Co-Eds or the Professional…D’OH!
Now that we are in full pigskin mode for another year…Stuffing ourselves full of it Thursdays through Mondays thoroughly enjoying every second of it, there are some questions that arise from it being football season. Namely the most noteworthy question that’s raised annually is which brand of it gets your blood pumping and bubbling just as a lovely lady dubbed Diamond as she rubs all up on you working hard for you money? Some prefer blondes over brunettes, all natural over implants…Others prefer chocolate instead of vanilla, and then you have the ones who prefer orange juice over prune juice at breakfast. Hey, I say whatever floats your boat! For me I’ll take a blonde who’s well endowed over easy who’s a vanilla delight in every sense of the word along with a large OJ for breakfast any day of the week please. Hell, why can’t you find that on a freaking IHOP menu? Is that to f****** much to ask?

Anyhow, getting back to the football realm of things, we often have difficulties distinguishing what brand of football we prefer. And if one would look back through my archives, I posed this same question way back, (it’s a good read). For some it’s college, for others it’s pro. Nevertheless there’s no right or wrong answer! Although if you think that question is a difficult one to answer how about the following one…

"As The Debate Over Which Type Of Football Is Better Rages, We're Focusing On Something Else…", that something quite simply being, oh, just, "Which cheerleaders are better?" The co-eds or the professional…D’OH! And a big shout out for the peeps at faniq.com for giving us all brain freezes with this one without even touching ice cream. You talk about the great debate, yeah, we have one…Forget all those Political Debates, why this one has substance!

After critical analization the outstanding research the peeps at faniq has brought to the table, I must say that yes The California Girls are in a league of their own, being a Notre Dame fan as I am, (sorry to admit it) the Trojan pom-pom girls, well I just never, (and still don’t) get those damn outfits! It’s like they’re dressed in a fur coat cheerleading outfit or something…Not enough skin ladies! And for being Cali gals, it just doesn’t make sense!

So more along to the Sunshine State Matchup pitting Florida Gators vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers…I just say at least there’s something positive about living in the damn state! Do the words too close to call mean anything? Here’s what we know…Co-eds, well, they’re co-eds. And being a co-ed in Gainesville, well we know a whole lot of "fun", (shall we say) is taking place on that campus. On the other hand, Tampa…Oh hell, forget it! Flip a freaking coin…You can lose here!!

On to the Lone Star Ladies…Sorry UT, but that color brown, well it’s just not doing it for you! Now true, the most noteworthy cheerleaders in all of sports cheer for the Cowboys. Although I really encourage you to check out what the Texans have to offer…Let’s just say a lot more than the football team does! So undoubtedly I have to agree with faniq’s selection here. Same goes for their Mid-Atlantic Maidens…It’s no contest!

Now the Underrated Sleepers matchup…I’ll be honest, I don’t know the reason behind this, but I’ve always have had a thingy for the Oregon Duck cheerleaders! And nothing against Midwest ladies, but they always seem to resemble Casper the Ghost. I mean come on, help yourself out…At least go to fake-n-bake! There’s no reason to be the same color as Cool Whip! So yes, advantage definitely goes to the quack attack!

I must say that I disagree with the conclusion from this in-depth analysis saying that whichever cheerleaders one prefers more is a correlation of which sport you prefer. Huh? That makes little sense to me…I prefer college football over the NFL, but assuming that means I prefer college cheerleaders over the ones cheering on Sunday is ridiculous to say. Actually I prefer NFL hotties over co-ed pom-pom girls for the simple reason that for the most part they just stand there and look pretty…Unlike the co-eds who will annoy the piss out of us with all their cheers and what not. Look, if I want to be annoyed…Well, the ball and chain does that just fine. I don’t need school girls do that same shit! I’m here to watch football and NFL cheerleaders understand this completely. Just wave their pom-poms and look pretty. So that’s my opinion, what’s yours?