Confessions of a Trophy Wife

Ready for Spring

2008-04-13T09:49:00.003-04:00

I am ready for Spring! I can't wait to get outside, plant flowers, finish my deck and enjoy the pool. I neeeeeed Spring!

xo

Go Big Blue!

2008-03-20T09:15:00.002-04:00

Optimism

2008-03-12T15:54:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you have to find the humor in bad situations and take your victories where you can. My family made the trip north to take my sister for a PET scan, blood work and ultrasounds yesterday. Of course we were all clueless about what this whole process would entail, but we're all raring to go. Suzi is taking all this in, keeping her spirits up and of course maintaining her faith.

When we first met with the specialist in Lexington, Suzi and the whole family was as nervous a bunch of people could be. I think this doctor is going to be fantastic. He fits in with our family perfectly... You can't help but laugh at a colorectal surgeon who has a huge deer ass hanging on the wall of his office.

I'll update more as I can. We meet with the oncologists tomorrow.

xo

In like a Lion

2008-03-05T21:32:00.002-05:00

Ok... I spoke too soon.

March is being true to the old saying of coming in like a lion... I don't know exactly. Anyway.

I'm being optimistic, but damnnation.... It's getting harder and harder to understand why my family and I are being tested so harshly.

My sister was diagnosed with colon cancer today. As she, her husband, my mom, my stepfather, my husband and I crowded into the small doctor's room we already knew what he was going to tell us. I held her hand and prayed that I was wrong. I prayed that he wouldn't deliver the news that was about to crush our family with just one word.

She's 23 years old. She is such a beautiful spirit. She and her husband have an adorable 3 year old son. She just graduated college in December and started teaching in January. They have just gotten their house built, so when she started feeling bad a few months ago she simply wrote it off as stress.

She is meeting with a specialist tomorrow. Amazingly enough, they were able to see her right away. The doctors don't think the cancer is too far advanced, but of course they won't know until they actually do the surgery to remove the mass. Hopefully we'll know more tomorrow.

Whatever the prognosis, I'll be there... holding her hand.

xo

This and That

2008-03-03T08:26:00.002-05:00

February was absolutley the longest month ever... the twenty nine days has felt like a lifetime.

I still have my job, which is a good thing. The not so good part is not knowing what you're walking in to every morning. One step forward, two steps back has taken on a whole new meaning.

The best friend issue is not so much an issue anymore. My final straw was being cussed to high heavens.. on Valentine's Day, of all days... over a lie the gf told him. After getting past the initial shock and hurt, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've known this man for years. We've stuck through the good times and bad. If any one knows me aside from my husband.. my thought processes, things I would do and would not do, my heart... its him. So for him to believe that I had done the things she accused me of without even asking me first...it was devestating. It made me realize that I don't even want him around, even if their relationship crashes. Just after the V'day blow up, she sent me a message saying that she was laughing her f'ing ass off. Admission of guilt? I think so. Honestly, I expect to hear the news of them getting married just anytime now.

Moving on...

March is going to be beautiful. I'm giving my kitchen a makeover. YeaY! It's a little funky, but its going to be fabulous. I'll post some pics when its finished. I'm de-junking my clutter and freeing my spirit. March is going to be beautiful :)

Have a fun day people!

xo

Indifference

2008-02-06T21:31:00.000-05:00

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm an emotional person. I care about people. I care about things. I CARE. Period. I see beyond the exterior and the outside personas into the bare bones of things. I see the heart. I see good where others see bad and I also see bad where others allow themselves to be charmed. A gift? Yes, I'm sure of it. Its just a gift that I have no idea how I'm suppose to be using.

Yet for the sake of my sanity, I have to NOT care. I have to not worry. Professionally and personally I have to feign indifference.

Expecting someone like me to be indifferent is like asking a giraffe to become a hippo.

This is a complete personality change for me. I'm working on it.

It is absolutley exhausting.

Thank you all for your support and comments. You're right. I know you're right. I'm letting go.

Again, it's exhausting.

It's not easy, but the right thing rarely is.

xo

Again with the Spot on

2008-02-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

I while back I posted my daily horoscope because it was so crazy-scary-dead-on of what has been going on in my life. It applied to my world in a professional sense. So many thing have been going on at work that are so far the opposite of fair, just and just plain right.

I'm actively looking for another job and I hate it. I don't like standing by and seeing what it has taken years to build destroyed within a few short months, but on the other hand I hate to throw away the past 16 years of work I've done personally toward retirement, pay, sick/vacation time, etc. I've thought about it, prayed about it, cried about it and lost sleep. No answers. No decisions. No idea of where to go from here.

Personally speaking, things are just as rough. My best friend has lost his ever loving mind. He has found a girlfriend. Initially, I cautioned him about this person. I've known her for years, as he has. He has seen the path of destruction she has created over time. She has been quiet for awhile and is now freshly divorced for the third or fourth time and is back on the scene. He is convinced she has changed... omg has she NOT.

She knows that I have been an influence in his life. She knows that he and I are the best of friends. So.. bingo, you got it. I'm the one she goes after with venom. It has been ugly. She even demanded that he delete me from his Myspace friends list. Stupid, stupid stuff. His daughter is in highschool. She even commented that this isn't highschool stuff, its more like fifth grade. I have to agree. I have tried to reach him to no avail. I've tried to ignore her, but she keeps sending stupid, hateful messages. At first, I just forwarded them to him so he could see first hand what kind of person she is. He didn't respond, so I don't even bother sending them to him anymore.

His daughter has just turned sixteen. She sits and cries to me about the changes in him. He is a single father, raising his daughter by himself. He has never put anything before her. Ever. Now, he essentially does nothing without girlfriend approval. He claims that he's making his own choices, but I find that hard to believe. Especially since the daughter and I have both heard the g/f screaming at him on the phone. She is psychotic.

I don't hate her for being the way she is, but my heart breaks over the way he is allowing her to have that control over him. I almost despise him for it.

In one of my last conversations/arguments with him, he said if it weren't for me and his daughter he'd be happy. He would never say this to his child's face, but yet he said it to me. I will never forget that.

He is not the same man anyone of us knew two months ago.

He's indecisive. Always has been. Combine that with a fear of being alone, throw in a control freak, jealous girlfriend... and turmoil is what happens.

Believe it or not, I'm truly leaving a whole lot out of this story. I can't even begin to tell you what kind of upstanding, respectable, integrity driven man he used to be

My horoscope for today reads:

For Sunday, February 3 - It's been difficult to muster up any significant enthusiasm for a change someone you love has made in their life -- either you don't believe they are moving in the right direction, or you are having trouble accepting who they have become. Either way, you need to figure out how to deal with it today. Decide once and for all if you are going to try to add your unsolicited two cents of advice. If you decide not to, then you should let it go once and for all.

.
.

No matter what, I will mantain my relationship with his daughter. I have become like a mother to her over the years. In her own words, she said that. Her mother lives away from here and has very little to do with her. I'm the one she calls when she needs haircuts, picked up from school, all the girl things she doesn't know or understand... I've always done and helped her with. God love her, I won't abandon her. I have assured her I love her and will always be right here, no matter what happens with her dad. I don't have to be his friend to be hers.

I thought about reaching out one more time. I just don't know if I will.

Again, I've prayed about it, I've lost sleep over it, and I've cried.

Is it time?

Is today the day to just let it go?

Tilt

2008-01-28T10:56:00.000-05:00

After much angst and anguish, I finally decided on a new cell phone. I researched, read countless reviews, compared options, plans and packages...oh my. My family has suffered through this process as well. The little brown haired girls even tried to help even though I think it was just to get Mommy to shut up already.

Miss 8 didn't care which one I chose, so long as she could play cool games on it. Miss 5 informed me it wasn't worth purchasing if I couldn't it in pink cheetah. Ha!

So, here she is...

God bless the Wal-Mart guy. I was ready to shell out the big bucks when he clued me in on the fact that I could buy this baby online and get it for free with a two-year sell my soul contract.

Free speaks to me! YeaY! Yes, I'm the person that would drive out five bucks in gas to save fifty cents on a gallon of milk. It's a weakness, what can I say.

It should be here tomorrow. I'm totally excited. It will do everything but flush the toilet for me, so this should be fun.

I wonder how long it will take me to screw it up....

Oh... if any of you run across a pink cheetah case for this thing, let me know :)

xo

Suggestions?

2008-01-25T10:46:00.001-05:00

Today is my lovely mandatory day off work, so I'm off to look for a new cell phone because the powers that be at my office is cutting mine off. Nice, huh?

*I still want to bitch slap someone*

They're are so many new cells out there, I'm totally clueless about which one to choose. I've got a Razor and love it, but thought about trying something different.

Any suggestions?

Peace~Love~Cupcakes

~ R.

Go Pack Go!

2008-01-20T09:26:00.000-05:00

* Even though this isn't Hank my Bullhuman, isn't he cute???

xo

After a While.

2008-01-17T15:23:00.000-05:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain,

For plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth.

And you learn and you learn with every goodbye you learn...

~ Veronica A. Shoffstall

Everything is okay...

2008-01-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

What a week!

At work, I'm having to do my job, plus the job of the bookkeeper who was encouraged to resign. We're damn near bankruptcy at work because of her. I will tell the whole story later... Anyway, so I'm doing double time. Yesterday I am informed my hours will be cut, they're probably looking at a billing service to come in and do what I do plus they're looking for someone to come in and clean up the other girl's mess so that I don't get implicated if they find something.

Great.

Um.. where exactly does that leave me? Yeah, thats what I'm thinking too. Blondie is going to carry the load for the interm and get a big fat screw when things level. I'll be having this exact conversation with the Director later today. I may be job shopping, which I hate the thought of. I've been here 16 freakin years.

Personal life has been almost as crazy. My momma and stepdad wrecked on Sunday. Some asshat that is 67 y/o with no drivers license cut across in front of them on their way to church. He didn't SEE them. Come to find out, he doesn't have a license because he failed the vision test. Again.. Great. He does have insurance though. My Momma was lucky, she ended up with a broken wrist and a minor cardiac contusion which is already healing. My stepdad had a few bumps and bruises, but is okay. Their car is totalled and momma needs help brushing her teeth, but I'm so thankful it wasn't worse.

I'm holding my up with my optimism and all that jazz, which is what I do best. I'm just afraid that will soon crash as well.

I'll keep you posted :)

xo

If you believe in these things...

2008-01-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

My horoscope for today:

For Wednesday, January 9 - Big news is coming to your group soon, and while all the others may react emotionally, you don't need to fly off the handle. This is something that you have been suspecting for quite a while, so the news flash won't be much of a news flash for you. Help everyone else come to terms with the revelation by showing them that it's really not that big of a deal anyway. Your guidance is critical for helping everyone come to terms with what is going to be changing.

With everything going on at work, this scares the beejeezus out of me!

Take care. Peace out.

xo

Happy Children and Sleeping in...

2008-01-05T10:10:00.000-05:00

There's nothing like a peaceful Saturday morning. The one day of the week you get to sleep a little later than normal. I love Saturday mornings.

My ideal Saturday mornings are never a reality. Today is no exception.

My dear husband has done his best at keeping the house tidy while I've been sick. Any of you that know me, knows that after a certain period of tremendous stress... such as the company I work for just finding out they're on the verge of bankruptcy due to the incompetence and lack of attention by one individual, and me trying to scramble and help all that I could but being refused because the poor new director thinks he and his good ol' boy politics can single handedly rescue us... I always wind up physically ill. YeaY me! ~ insert apology for the horrible run on sentence here ~

Anyway... now I have this crummy stomach thing going. The antibiotics are enough to make me sicker in themselves. The only position of comfort is to lay, in bed, flat on my back. I can't sleep that way, so I always wake myself up when turning over to my side ~insert screech in pain here~.

My sweet children know that Mommy doesn't feel well. They too know it is Saturday morning. They promise to stay out of trouble and let Mommy sleep. Bless their hearts. They're such good, happy children.

My blissful (semi drug induced) sleep is immediately interupted by a certain calamity wreaking havoc in the kitchen. Apparently, Miss 5 1/2 thank you very much, has anchored and leashed the poor unfortunate cat to a piece of luggage and left it there while she went to potty.

Silence.

Next, in the loudest imaginable whisper, I hear her calling for her big sister. "Mem, Meeem, help me! The cat training excercises are not going so well! Heeellllpppppppp!".

So much for sleeping in... God bless them. They're such happy children.

xo

The Journey

2008-01-02T10:16:00.000-05:00

I've been doing some serious soul searching as of late. As I was listening to Bob and Sheri on the radio on the way to work this morning, Sheri read this poem.

It fit. It made sense. It touched my heart.

I hope you find it as beautiful as I did.

xo

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

I'm not big on resolutions, so I'll keep this one simple.

I will start blogging again... YeaY!

Hold your applause, please ;)

I've missed this place. I've missed all of you. I need this. I need my blogging friends.

I need to write.

I hope everyone has a blessed new year.

Take care.

xo

Turkey Day

2007-11-20T13:51:00.001-05:00

I Believe

2007-10-17T09:02:00.000-04:00

I've been a bit more emotional than usual lately. So when I received this in my inbox, I was deeply touched. I hope it helps someone else as much as it did me.

xo

Fight for A Cure

2007-10-10T10:11:00.001-04:00

Today is Breast Cancer Awareness Day.

This is for you Maureen and all the other ladies fighting the fight!

Stay strong!

xo

On the road again...

2007-10-04T11:49:00.000-04:00

Hugs to everyone!

October is a super-crazed-uber busy month for me. I've got my plate full and honestly, I'm a little nutty right now.

I'll be back in a few days.

Have a great weekend!

xo

Pay It Forward

2007-09-26T09:53:00.000-04:00

Miss Understood has inspired me this morning with random acts of kindness. She is encouraging people to Pay It Forward. The whole idea is very simple. Changing the world, one person at a time.

" The premise of the novel Pay It Forward is one that any person can implement in his or her own life, at any time. It begins with doing a favor for another person-- without any expectation of being paid back. Indeed one would request that the recipient of that favor do the same for someone else: ideally for three other people. The unconditional favors can be large or small. As Trevor observes: it doesn't have to be a big thing. It can just seem that way, depending on whom you do it for. "

The first three people to respond here in bloggerville, I will send you a little sumthin sumthin :) provided you want to share your actual address (via private email, of course). Then in turn, you do the same for another three people on your own blog.

If you don't feel comfortable participating through your blog, I encourage you to try it in your own personal life. The impact could be amazing!

Let's start a revolution here people!

xo

September 11

2007-09-11T09:29:00.000-04:00

Crush

2007-09-04T09:04:00.000-04:00

Wow!

What a hectic couple of weeks! Between my work, my little one's school activities, a deck construction project and life in general, I have been operating on overdrive. Throw in the stomach virus and a stupid sinus infection that won't go away and you have one exhausted Blondie.

Last night I got my girls to bed, semi-cleaned my kitchen and was ready to fall over in to bed. I mindlessly flipped through channels thinking that I won't make it through the first 10 minutes of any program before dropping into a catatonic state... Bam! There it was on HBO... Performing live from Madison Square Garden, streaming out of my beloved television.

Justin Timberlake!

I suppose at this point I should go ahead and confess. Justin Timblerlake is my secret celebrity crush. I a.d.o.r.e him! There's just something about him that makes me loopy. Damn, that boy can move!

So here I am in my living room, dancing and singing like a teenager. No wait... I didn't even posses the dignity of a teenager. I was more like a pre-adolescent goof ball entranced, like he was singing just for me. JT was rockin and Blondie was getting her groove on. For two and a half hours, I was in another place in time. I was all about the music, the dancing, not worrying about anything. I was just silly me, dancing around in my underwear without a care in the world.

Ah... it was nice.

So, today its back to work. Today I will behave like a responsible business professional and mega-mommy. I will possess the dignity and grace that is required of me, being an adult an all...

I will always have my one night.

Justin Timberlake and me.

Have a great week!

xo

Dog Story

2007-08-20T08:34:00.000-04:00

The last week has been rough for me. Not because of anything wrong, just really busy. My husband left for training for his new job and will be gone for a month. The girls have had a hard time with him being gone and I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I know its a good career move and its whats best for our family. Still, its hard.

I've been stressing over all the things that were left unfinished before he left. The deck is not near finished and the guy who was helping just stopped when my husband left. The damn pump on the pond has gone kaput and I have no idea how to fix it. There have been pool issues EVERY DAY last week... filters stopped up, hoses coming lose... you get the picture. Combine all that with everything thats going on at work since he left and I'm more than a little nutty.

I went to church yesterday and the message really hit home for me. I felt some peace for the first time in several days. I was reminded that even though things are a little inconvient right now, its no big deal. My family is healthy, I do still have a job, I have great friends, and I have a home. Everything else will work itself out in time.

My friend sent me this story this morning and it hit home as well. The message was pure and simple:

*Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*

Dog Story
> >
> > A wonderful dog story . .
> > Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you
> > don't and may decide you need one.
> >
> >
> >
> > Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky.
> > Lucky was a real character.
> >
> > Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a
> > weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their
> > luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever
> > struck his fancy.
> >
> > Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up
> > missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the
> > basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's
> > favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he
> > was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
> >
> > It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer.
> > Something told her she was going to die of this disease, she was
> > just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy,
> > fear riding her shoulders.
> >
> > The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled
> > with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky?
> > Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog
> > through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought.
> > He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him. The thought made
> > her sadder than thinking of her own death.
> >
> > The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors
> > had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks.
> > Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog
> > just drooped, whining and miserable.
> >
> > Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When
> > she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make
> > it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on
> > the couch and left her to nap.
> >
> > Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she
> > called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and
> > she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand
> > what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy
> > and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the
> > problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every
> > treasure Lucky owned!
> >
> > While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after
> > trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite
> > things in life. He had covered her with his love.
> >
> > Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living
> > again, walking further and further together every night.
> > It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free.
> >
> > Lucky?
> >
> > He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but
> > Mary remains his greatest treasure.
> >
> > Live everyday to the fullest. Remember it is a blessing
> > from God.

Have a terrific weeek.

xo

Exciting Times!

2007-08-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

August is already upon us and I'm still sitting here wondering where the summer has gone. Its not like summer is really gone with it being 98 degrees outside, but Baby Girls started back to school today. Big adventures are sure to come!

We're also getting a new baby today! Yes, that's right, I'm going to be a Nana!!! My husband's daughter, my sweet K is on her way to surgery as we speak. She's been in the hospital since the wee hours of the morning on Monday. The doc finally decided baby Isabella is not going to come out on her own, so they'll be beginning the c-section momentarily. I'm sad that I can't be there, but with Baby Girls starting school I just couldn't drive 8hrs away and leave them.

Ok... I'm off now. I'll be pacing the floor til the next phone call saying everything is well....

Take care and have a great day!

xo