Danielle Is a HOR

Duct Tape and Dildo's

2008-05-14T17:27:00.002-04:00

OH my gosh you guys!! I've been gone so long AHHHHHHH it's sucked so much ASS!! And not even real ass sucking, hell, no sucking of any type for me as the Mexican is still in Mexico. So anyways, I've been working 14 -15 hour days here (holy damn) PLUS you guys PLUUUUSSSS my freakin workplace "Websense" internet blocker decided to up and block my site from view at work. BASTARDS!! HORS! FUCKERS!!

And would you believe the reason listed for the block was "Sex" ??? Sons of bitches - I've seen them block things for "profanity" where the hell is my profanity rating? Bitches. HAHAHA I've seen a few sites blocked as "tasteless" and was kind of hoping for that too, but, ah well.

So yeah, I'm reduced to having to post from my laptop but since I'm too cheap to buy internet service I have to go to Burger King and get it for free and since I'm working the 15 hours.... blah blah blah you get it. Let's move on to dildo's shall we?

It's been nearly two months since me and the bean have been together and to say I've been "tearin up" my toys is for once not an understatement.

Picture it, the ghetto, May 8th 2008, my bedroom, me, dildo. My favorite dildo to be precise, I like it cuz it's just the right size and has a decent texture. SO anyways at the end of said favorite dildo it has like a squishy filled end to hold on to, it's kind of neat. I've always got a pretty good grip on the thing and I guess after a few years of gripping and grinding the plastic just couldn't take it anymore. You guys I ripped the end of my dildo off. My TOY! My friend that is always there for me - UGH!!

It ripped the end open and some foamy stuff started falling out - HA! It looks like little pieces of old cut up mattress foam in there all odd colors and everything - huh. Ah well what ever works ya know? This hor ain't picky. I inspected the rip and honest to god you guys the first thought to come into my head was "I wish I had some packing tape." It was the END of it so that end doesn't actually touch the lady flower and they don't make this kind any more and I want my friend!!

Ok and here is the SO FREAKIN coolest thing EV-VER!! OH MY GAWD !!! I looked over the side of my bed and what did I see? WHAT DID I SEE???!!! Oh fuck there was a partial roll of duct tape laying RIGHT THERE beside my bed. Why? Hell if I know, I'm a hillbilly, I guess we're not respectable unless we have a roll in every room.

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth so I did it. I ripped me off a good section of duct tape (silver and everything) and fixed up my friend. No harm done but a little foam lost, I guess I could have done a transfusion and thrown in a little something. Hey you know it would have been cool if I would have put some funny stuff and a message inside, you know, like the time capsules we all made in like 1st grade? Damn that would have been sweet. Ah well, it's all good, I have my buddy back and that's all that counts for now.

I'll be flying out again next week to go see C. again. Gonna get me some of the good shit and give my poor dild-ho a rest. :P

DIRTY WORDS and DIRTY TALK

2008-04-10T13:31:00.003-04:00

So, "Dirty Talk." When C. was in custody for a month and a half I wrote him every day, and you know? We learned a lot about each other that we might not have any other way. Can you imagine a lot of what we wrote about had to do with sex? Well yes I guess you might think a TAD :P

One of the things that came up was Dirty Talk. When I was writing the erotica fantasy stories and sending them to him I came across a couple of phrases and words that for some reason tripped my trigger all of a sudden, and I decided to share them with him. Take "Cock" for example. I like that word, I like to write it and I like to read it. I told him it might be nice if I could say it out loud to him or him to me during a down and dirty session. That and "Fuck." I guess it's just so dirty and bad-girl that it just makes things . . . I don't know, but he liked it too.

So. I get to Mexico and we get a chance to try out some new stuff you know?

Oh dear.

The moment "Cock" came out of his mouth, sounding so foreign and goofy, it just flopped. I could almost SEE the word fall and flop around on the floor and visualize myself just standing there, and a big grin of immaturity starting to spread across my face as I began to laugh. A lot of men don't do well when you laugh at them when they're trying to be hot. I guess I wouldn't do to well either but at least he let me explain my way out. The bad part is that he didn't REALLY get it, and now it's stuck in his head, and whenever he tries to be particularly suave, he drops the "cock" bomb on me.

I guess all those letters I wrote must have really stuck, and that's nice, but damn, he's gotta stop sayin it. I wonder what the deal is though? I still like to see the word and read it or write it - but I don't want to say it and I don't want to hear it. What IS that? What in my brain says "OH YEAH!" to a word visually but NOT audibly? Is that the goofiest thing you've ever heard?

What's the stumbling block I wonder? Maybe it's like some of my more dirty and involved fantasy's. I like to get off to them, but afterwards when I come down from the high, I realize that I'd never actually DO them, sometimes - afterwards - it surprises me that I could even come up with that shit, and think it's hot. Ah well.

So? Anybody? Any words that you like to read but not say? Or maybe you like to hear someone say but just not yourself?

I got to HAVE SEEEXXXXX!!!

2008-04-09T09:11:00.004-04:00

YAY!! I got some of that sweeet Mexcian Ass! HA!! YES!!! Oh, okay, and like, you know, we were reunited for five days and you know, like, saw each other and talked and had a good time and reconnected, blah blah, BUT WE HAD SEX!!!!

Hot Damn a lot of sex! This hor was sore when she came home. Yowwzza! Danm you guys there's not enough foreplay and astroglide in the world to keep a bitch smooth enough to not get sore after a marathon like that. Poor lil lady-flower was a tad pissed off.

Our first day back together was so strange at first - it had been so long since either of us had touched another human (intimately) -that we had to learn all over again how to hold hands, how to kiss, how to make out and so on. But the greatest thing was that first night - it was such a surprise. I expected it to be awkward or something, or *ahem* pretty quick at first *cough cough* and for us to both feel shy - but shy be damned we were back on the wagon!!

Oh OH!! And you know? I kind of figured it'd be some good shit, but I had NO IDEA just HOW good! It was like something out of a damn romance novel book, it was the freakin shit! It seemed like every nerve ending and every inch of skin on my body was super sensitized, oh man I wish I could bottle that and have it every time. And the strangest part? I usually hate my nips to be messed with, but this time was different, I guess because I was so hyper-sensitive, I don't know, but for the first time in my LIFE I actually wanted some nip play. LOL though, C. is so well trained to stay away I had to convince him to give them some extra attention.

The rest of our time was great but after that first night the super-sensitivity went away for me and my pinks went back to being pissy. Poor C. just didn't get it, I had to fight him off 'em again like before and he was like "what the heck??" :P Poor guy.

SO, what I need to know. NEEEEDDD to know, is how in the hell can I get my body to be like that every time? I'm sort of not into spending 7 weeks apart just to get one night like that, but now that I know that my body is CAPABLE of such sensation - UHHHH - there's like got to be a way to bring it out on a regular basis right? RIGHT???

Now don't get me wrong, our everyday-gettin-it-ons are pretty damned decent, but THIS SHIT was out of the damn park! I could get addicted to that like a pig on truffles laced with E.

Don't you bitches tell me to meditate or something, it's not gonna happen. But really, shit, damn! I guess I'll get another go at it in a month or so when I get to see him again *crosses fingers* Please let it be the same Please let it be the same! Maybe if it happens again next time I can do some sort of mind association trick like that dude on the t.v. that swears "I can make you thin!" (through the t.v.) He's got some trick about visualizing and pinching your fingers together, maybe I'll try something like that.

But what will I tell C? "Hey baby don't mind me, I'm visualizing, you just keep doin what you be doin down there. That's right. Mmmm Hmm, good boy"

Any ideas? Anybody have an experience like this?

Fancy Panties

2008-04-07T11:30:00.004-04:00

Picture it: JC Pennys – 6p.m. – 3 weeks ago. Me, buying fancy schmancy new under-roos for when I go to mexico and see my man. They had a 5 for 25 deal, it was great, and I spent a good hour picking out 5 pairs (okay 6 I couldn't’t decide) of draws to cover my ass.

Anyways, you guys know about my ass situation right? We’ve covered this before (ha ha pun :PPP) It’s big, I’ve got a ghetto booty, hell a ghetto ass – it’s lovely and quite coveted by my Mexican let me tells ya.

But the thing is though, with allllll of this ass that I have, it takes a tad more fabric to cover than say you’re average super waif model, like, you know, for real. It’s always been a bit embarrassing for me to tell you the truth, I feel like a gigantor when I buy my pretty panties and I try my best to do it discreetly. I go so far as to fold them in half, stack them neatly and have just the price tag sticking out for their scanning convenience. And try and cover the view of them with my body. And make cringey faces to show my discomfort. So when Mrs. JC Penny decided to air my new purchases for all to see, it was a moment I’ll not soon forget.

She picked up each pair of cutsie panties, shook them out like you would a shirt before folding and the HELD THEM UP IN THE AAAIIIRRRR at like, head level, to inspect and admire and comment on. Uh. . . ???? And the thing is we’re not talking just regular pretty panties – no – we’re talking lacy-see-through-tiny-not-EVEN-gonna-cover-my-cheeks- panties. Okay and two THONGS as well, one thong of which a lady 2 people back in line felt the need to tell me was quite pretty. I believe it was hot pink with electric green lace. Yeah, uh, thanx.

After she held them up in the air for all to see my chosen fancys she then laid them out flat on the counter stretched out in their full sized glory for all to see that I was buying big pretty panties. I guess they could tell WHY because I was sort of carrying my ass with me at the time, but I don’t know, there’s just something about them seeing my foot of fabric laid out flat screaming “BIG OLE FRIGGIN BOOTY” that makes me cringe. Sue me, I’m a prude hor.

Mrs. JC Penny then needed to ask me if I required a gift receipt. What? They never ask me that, do I not LOOK like the type to wear hor under-roos? Did she think they were to big for me and I was giving them to someone else? Did she think that buying 6 pairs of fancy panties was too much for one regular gal and that they were for a bachelorette or something? DID SHE NOT SEE MY ASS???

Turns out she does this quite regular. I told my boss about it and my boss said that Mrs. JC Penny is always in there at night, and always does that to underpants. Who knew? Sure as hell not me.

2008-03-20T09:01:00.004-04:00

Life Uncommon - Jewel

Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a live uncommon

I've heard you anguish
I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out

Set down you chains, until only faith remains
Set down you chains
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that
which you wish to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...

Lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

So did I link the the song like any other respectable blogger? Well no, I've got a big report to do and I'm a tad retarded anyways. But I LOVE this song, it's one of those songs with lyrics that kind of "get's you through" tough times ya know? And it's pretty too so that never hurts. :P

By the way, MY BABY IS SAFE AND IN MEXICO WITH HIS BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ahem* WHEW! Scuse me. :)

I've got to do that damn report but I'll be back, I've got a great blog to write - I got inspired to go shopping for some new special draws (panties, white folks, panites) last night and had a heck of a time, it's good shit.

C-Yall later and Thank You again for your kindness and support. (did I mention my baby is safe??? And I'm currently jumping up and down and trying not to run in circles like an over excited dog and piss on myself????)

I Like Fish and Chips Too

2008-03-18T12:59:00.003-04:00

FOUND ON YAHOO -

Mon Mar 17, 2:53 PM ET
"An employee at a specialty shop displaying a vibrating ring. A new boutique hotel at a seaside resort in northwest England is to offer guests a sex toy minibar containing lubricating gel, massage oil, a vibrating ring and two condoms, when it opens later this year, its owner said Monday."

SOOOOoo, maybe we'll move to England if Canada doesn't work out. Hey Patti got any suggestions??? This, uh... seems like my kinda place if ya's know what I mean. :P Although I'm not sure what the deal is with only TWO condoms, but whatever, I never forget my economy pack anyways.

2008-03-18T11:59:00.003-04:00

Okay, so not jumping off any bridges today (bi-polar much??), C. seems to think he'll be fine no matter what they do. He's a brave little beotch and manages to calm me down during our 10 minutes on the phone, I wonder if he's just brave for me because he knows I'm a pansy or if he's really that much of a trooper? Maybe I don't want to know.

I sure hope he gets shipped out today, I just want this to be over with. I've got a flight booked for the 26th through the 31st just in case it happens this tuesday OR next tuesday. (plus to fly out this thursday was going to be outrageous!! (easter) ) I can't WAIT to see him!! Well, I can wait for that, I just can't wait to know that he's SAFE, please God, safe.

Now, back to planning for what I'm going to wear......

OH OH!! And hahahahahha he doesn't want me to bring his personal "toy" with me for him because he's afraid his brother or brothers family will find it. HA!! I didn't want him to have it anyway but I was being polite. Anybody want a slightly used pocket pussy??

2008-03-17T10:58:00.002-04:00

They transported my C. from one state to another (to the place they'll fly him out of - TOMORROW) but they lost his things in transport, well, misplaced.

His I.D.
His money
His wedding ring
His papers with his familys phone #'s
And his shoe laces.

So they'll be shipping him off to Mexico with no I.D. and no money and no phone #'s.

I called his family last night and they told me that they don't think he can make collect calls in Mexico - seriously? Can that be? What will he DO?? He's not allowed to know where they'll fly him to so his family can't just be waiting there,

And you know what he's worried about the most? His ring, bless his heart he's not worried about oh, I don't know, being in a foreign country with NOTHING and no way to contact anyone, but instead his ring and what it means to him.

I on the other hand I am shitting my pants. I called his original location that told me to call INS, who told me to call his original location, who again told me they can't help me, so I called INS again and they said that they did transport him but either his stuff was left at the original place (that won't speak to me) or was "misplaced" and told me to call where he is now. I called where he is now and got put through to the supervisor who wasn't in to answer his phone.

You know, I keep wondering at what point a person - well me - gets to the point where they break and can't take any more? Shouldn't I have got there by now? Where is my nervous breakdown? Do I get one? No, no, I don't want one, it just surprises me that I seem incapable. I'm stressed to the point of not even crying, does this mean I'm strong? What a load of crap.

I don't know, I don't know anything and no one will TELL me anything.

He's not a bad person and oh God I love him so much, why do all of these bad things have to happen? What's going to happen to my baby?! Why can't I convey through my words that I'm yelling and terrified? Oh well great here's the tears, I found em, good ole writing, it'll do it every time. Don't worry you guys, you don't have to write the "I'm so sorry's" I know this is a big mess of awkwardness and crud. I just had to write it down, one of those things I guess.

2008-03-14T10:13:00.003-04:00

I hope to see C. in the next week - hopefully no longer than 2 weeks, and so I've decided to give up my Sex Toys until then. Celibate AND no toys! AHHHHHHHH!!!! Is it Lent?? Can these count?? That's it, I'm giving up Dildo's for lent. Can I get an AMEN!?

Remember before when I mentioned that when I went a couple of weeks with NUTHIN after being sick and him being gone - and how my penocha got all super-virginal-tight again - and it pissed me off? (pissed me off because my rabbit was too big to USE damn it!)

Weelllllll I thought it'd be a nice thing to do for C. for when we see each other and rock the shit out of each others world. That, and he'll know that I haven't been hoe-in up while he's been gone.

And I was thinking, what should I bring along for our sex fest? I know I'll be bringing and extra amount of Astroglide, a load of condoms and.... well hell I don't know. For some reason I don't think we're going to need anything to "spice it up" I figure he's got enough hot pepper built up in that little Mexican body to set water on fire, so I'm not really worried about that.

But I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Condoms - check
Astroglide - check
Tight Puu-Tang - check

What the hell am I missing here? There's something isn't there? Suggestions?

Celibate Countdown

2008-03-10T11:02:00.004-04:00

I haven't had sex with anyone besides myself in 1 month and one week. I'm a Celibate Hor. I actually sat down and thought back to my longest dry spell before this. Geeeeeewwww I really am a tad hoe-ish, I've not been dry like this since I was 18. Being that I'm now 26 I'd say I was doing pretty good. (naaauuuuggghhhty!)

Hell it would have been since I was 17 but I made my second (sex involved) boyfriend wait 6 months before I laid it on him. He was 19 but he was a virgin, and trying to do the right thing for Jesus and all that, but eventually - I gave in.

It's been kind of crazy now that I think about it, all starting off with Joe at 17 - you'd think I'd remember so MUCH of those first encounters but for some reason I just don't. It kind of bums me out you know? I wish I could remember more of what it was like. Hell I can't even really remember if I was getting off. Too young.

After that it was M. and we were together 3 years and then broke up for 6 months. In those six months I was 20 and found me a 30 yr old and decided that he was nice. HE thought he was in heaven and was going to "Teach" me everything I needed to know about sex. Dork. He was my first multiple O guy, and that was cool. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack after # 3 though, scary really. He DID open me up to the idea of toys in the bedroom, which was nice, but can a hor get anybody ELSE to be that open?? Punks.

Eventually I came to my senses that that dude was freakin weird and OLD (hahahhaaha) and decided to go back to M. Add on another 3 years with Mr. Insane-mean-crazy and I got up the guts to run away. BUH-BYE-BEEEOOTCH!

Ahhhhhhh and then my summer of "love." Good times. I really came out and developed my full hor-dom that summer and it was great. I had my first and last stalker - too bad, he had one monster of a dick. Sad. Then P, he was ok at first but when we got it on he was so damn tiny, poor guy, oh dear it was terrible. Maybe if he had ANY skillz at ALL in the oral department or would even consider it, it wouldn't have been so bad, but he was a lame-O. Luckily he turned out to be a liar and I booted his ass. WHEW!!

Then my first and last One Night Stand. Wow, that was a tad stoopid. I don't even know how that really happened or just what the hell I was thinking - but I've never drank a yeger-bomb again. From my experience, one nighters suck. You don't know how to work each other and it's just lame. (gee and plus he could have been an AXE MURDER and I had him in my APARTMENT!! REEETARDD!!) Yeah and the morning after? Wow that really IS awkward, especially if they live in a different state, there's no reason to exchange numbers but you do anyways to make yourself feel better. Yuck.

P's best S. friend finally came to his senses and we started our strange summer fling. He taught me how to drink and taught me how to dance and one way or another ended up in ye ole sack. I think I was wearing down at that point though. I was really into this guy, I thought I could love him but he was so adamant about not wanting to be serious no matter how much he liked me back. He had to go back to school in the fall, a whole 2 hours away and that was just too much for him. Well, no that's mean, he did have some other stuff going on that WAS a pretty decent hinder. It was really strange sex for me. He had the perfect penis and when I first saw it I was thinking OH holy COW this is gonna be great! He had the right angle, allllll the right sizes ;). It was a beautiful member. And he knew how to use it you know? But for some reason my poor hor brain was wanting "more" from him, and no matter how good and how long he worked it, I never once got "off."

My apartment, his parents house, a grape vineyard, an apple orchard, his truck, the woods, and eventually his apartment at school. Alllllll sorts of sex and I never got off. I became one hell of a mistress of faking. He used to tell me that I was a girl that was looking to "settle down," "get married" and he couldn't offer me that. I tried to convince him that I was fiiiinnneeeee with our arrangement *bats lashes* (liar I just wanted to keep him) but somehow he knew. He was a really good guy, still is, but he knew that he couldn't give me what I truly needed. So, finally, he got up the guts and we broke it off. We both cried and swore to be friends, and we do still talk (drunk call :P) and that's that.

And then my C. :) My baby my Man. :) We had an interesting start but mama taught the boy what's what and he was eager to please. That's my man! YEEEEE-HAAWWWW!! Hell I kept him around just for that at first. And then of course the little buggar worked his Latin Love potion on me and stole me away from the rest of the world. Buggar had to work hard, this beotch didn't want to give up her horin ways just yet and I was still looking for S to come to his senses. :P Damn Latin Love beotch.

OKAY!! I didn't really know what I was doing today, not sure why I wrote all this down, but hey, when I'm old at least it'll all be here for me to see in case I forget. Aaaaaand you know the intimate details of my hor-history. I guess you even know my "number" now, I hope my Dad doesn't read this anymore. Geesh :P

Why Do You/ Did You - Want Kids?

2008-03-07T14:20:00.003-05:00

Okay, so this is way out of the ball-park, but your friendly hor has been thinking about this a lot lately. I've never. Ever. Never-Ever wanted kids. For heavens sake I used to tell people that I prayed to be infertile. I even looked into getting "fixed." - but nobody would do it. (thank goodness)

And then I met C. And I TOLD C. I didn't want babies. Ever. He promptly ignored me and told me that we'd have two kids and be happy and blah blah blah. I told him he was insane.

Faaaaaaaaaassttt forward a year and a half. Guess who has these weird, strange feelings about babies/kids/teenagers? Yes, your hor. I guess it's because "I've met the right guy." But the thing is that kids STILL scare the shit out of me. I never had siblings around me growing up, I never babysat, I was the youngest of our extended family - I've never been around kids. I don't GET them and I feel that they can see right through me and KNOW that I don't understand them.

I've never changed a diaper.

I still freak out at the notion that I'll never be care-free and such and have to devote EVERYTHING to someone else. I'm pretty selfish I think, but I know if I HAD a baby I would buck up and do the right thing, but how shitty would that be, to do all the right things, but only because I knew that I had to?

I've asked C. WHY he wants kids SO BAAADDDDD, but his answers don't satisfy my question. (how shitty is that?) He's said because he just DOES. He doesn't want to be alone when he's old. ( I told him with the money he would save from not having kids we could afford to put us in NICE retirement homes and not shady pines! - no go.) He said he wants to have a child WITH ME. He wants to have a pissy little girl just like me and to look just like me. He wants to have a boy to gang up on me with him and drive me crazy singing me Mexican Corridos. He can't really explain WHY - he just DOES.

And here I am now. I've got this THING inside of me, this nagging feeling that maybe I want that too. That maybe it would be fun and maybe I want to have someone to love me unconditionally and to do the same back. AHHHHHHHHHHH and then I pop out of baby-haze and come crashing back to reality. Poop, puke, snot (hooooaallllkkk) never being alone, questions, responsibility, my GOD keeping it ALIVE! How do you DO that?? I've seen kids at church, it seems like they're on the brink of death at all times about to climb out the window or stick a fork in the socket or something - what if I'm too stoopid to be a good mom and keep it alive??

But then I look at C's face when he talks about it, I feel the love he has for me and the love he has for a family that isn't even created yet. And I roam back into crazy-baby-town. I seem to stay there more and more often these days.

But I don't know WHY. WHY? For real. Tell me, I need something, I need evidence, I need an explanation as to why I'm losing my mind. (and btw this has been going on before C. was taken away, I've just got more time to think about it now.)

So please? For me? Your hor? Tell me WHY you wanted kids. Tell me WHY you WANT them if you don't have them. Speak up you guys, I've got too much time to think and not enough input from others. Take a bit to think about it if you must, please do, but tell me, why?

You Need To Write Erotica

2008-03-05T08:56:00.003-05:00

C. asked me to write him a dirty letter a few weeks ago. (not a lot goin on for the boy in that dept. right now (thank god) ) It took me a bit to get up the gumption to do it and it was hard at first. A lot of "And then I sucked your ..." "And then we did it doggy..." You know, like pretty strait forward wham-bam-thank-you-mam. But then one day he asked me to write to him one of my true life fantasies. Hmmmmmmmm.

I don't know what it was about it but I think I somehow channeled the 289 dirty books that I've read over the years and all of the detail and vernacular that comes along with it. . . and WAH-LAH! It was the SHIT!! All of a sudden I was in this zone, and I was throwin out some deep down dirty shit in detail and loving every minute of it. I impressed myself, and I don't even know where some of this shit was coming from. I guess the brain holds a lot of stuff inside that we don't even realize is there.

Hey brain?? Would you mind releasing those three years of Spanish I took? Yeah that'd be nice. Get on it beotch. *kisses* Much love.

But you guys? The really crazy part that I didn't know happened or even sightly expected? Within the first paragraph of writing I started to feel a certain "stirring" in my nether regions. :P By the second page I was full on TURNED ON and by the end my poor little lady flower was beating in rhythm with my HEART BEAT and I was one wet hor. TMI? Too bad, this could be beneficial for some of you!

Gals if you're feeling in a slump (like I sure as hell was) in the sex dept. give it a try. It's not easy at first but seriously, give yourself a few changes to get into the groove of it. Think about a fantasy or even write down a favorite past experience, what ever floats your boat. I found that writing by hand or typing both work fine, but if you write it out by hand it takes a little longer, and is a good thing - think more fore-play time.

Be as wordy and as brave as you want - you don't have to share it with anyone. Write down all those dirty words that you might not feel comfortable with in real life. By the 5th time I wrote a "story" I was using phrases like "thick throbbing cock" and "slick wet pussy." EEEEEEE!!!!!! I've never been comfortable with "pussy." HAHAHAH it's actually even goofy for me to write it here, but when I'm writing by myself it comes out like nothing.

And another side benefit? I think by getting more comfortable with my sexuality (like that's possible right?) that I will be more open in bed to express what I want and need. I think I'm going to be more brave when C. and I are re-united. I'm sure it'll take a bit, just like the writing did, but a lot faster than it would have before. And also? I've become more comfortable with certain bedroom antics that I wasn't so much cool with before. (no, jeremy I don't mean ass-play) Writing about these things and sharing them with C. has been . . . liberating? Confidence building? I don't know really, but from his feed back (whoa baby papasita lik-ee) it's brought me to a new level of openness.

PLUS every time I'm done writing I am so insanely horny and READY-TO-GO that I have one hell of a great time with myself. I've been rockin my little world as of late.

Think you're frigid? Too old? Tired, not in the groove any more, what-have-you. Give it a try and give yourself a chance. You'll thank yourself. Need any help coming up with ideas (i'm full of scenarios- but I bet you are too.) :) or whatever - just ask the hor, I'm here to help.

I Drunk-Called a Church Lady

2008-03-03T10:10:00.004-05:00

Friday night as my designated driver friend was driving me home I came up with the great idea to partake in my first ever Drunk-Call. A friend of mine used to call me every weekend at least twice at ANY hour of the night/morning with his crazy drunken calls of friendship and affection and drunken silliness. I got used to it after a while and eventually had to turn my phone off at night. C. didn't quite understand why there was a guy calling me at 4 a.m. you know? Yeah.

SO, Friday night I decided to repay S. the favor and leave him my very own drunken message.

Slight problem with that. He had called earlier in the day as well as a nice lady that I go to church with. I didn't have either of their names stored in my cell phone but finally got around to it just that day. Yay for me! Way to go ending that procrastination streak!

You're not stoopid, you know where this is going don't you?

I scrolled down to S. and proceeded to make my call. I got voicemail and so very unlucky for me it was one of those automated voicmails. You know, the kind where they don't actually do the talking and you don't REALLY know if it's them or not? Yeah.

I proceeded to say "S.!!! Guess Whaaatttt?? I'm Drunk! And I'm drunk calling you because you always used to drunk call me but now I'M drunk and so I'm calling you because I'm drunk and I have a phone and HOW ARE YOU S.?? I'll bet you're drunk too, we're cool like that." I yelled to my friend. "F!! Say hi to S.!!" F. kindly answered back "What's uuuuuuppp BEEEE-OOOTCH!!" "What's yo crazy ass doin!!" After that I don't really remember what all else I said. It's kind of foggy and lost on me and I don't even know how long I went on for. It's a good thing I had a desi-driver.

Fast Forward to the next day. My phone is ringing and I see that S. is calling. I laugh and realize he's probably returning my call. I answered the phone and say "Hey! What's up?!"

And then my little world came to a halt. I heard a womans voice. "Lindy? Are you Ok?" I looked down at my caller I.D. It SAYS S. So I say "S.?" "This isn't S is it." She answers back "No, this is N. Are you alright?"

Oh. My. Gawd. I am in a small get together and study Jesus-stuff group with this woman and she goes to my church. Ohhhh Myyyyy Gawwwwwwwwwwwwd. OH no. Please no. Tell me I didn't.

She never brought it up but she had heard through the other group members what's going on with C. and she wanted to call and see if I was ok. And you know, if I needed ANYTHING, EVER that I could call her and they would always "be there" for me.

The cool thing about these people and the church that I attend is that they're not in the business of judging and condemning people. Basically we are a church of people who know that we are all sinners, we all screw up, and we all are GOING to screw up. We just try and stick together and work on not being such screw ups and support each other. The small group that I'm in is made up of mostly people who came from backgrounds that had NOTHING to do with church. They had they're own partying days and lots more, but all at one time or another decided to try and change their ways. The cool thing is they all seem much better off for their decision and it's nice to see.

I don't tell them about my blog - obviously - and I struggle with the fact that I write it, but that's not for today.

TODAY is the day that I tell all my blog-pals and the world what a supreme reeeetarrdddd I am and let you all laugh at me. I'm sure I'll laugh at me at some point during the future, but only after our next meeting - and I'm assured that they're not going to discreetly hand me a pamphlet for AA.

Oh. My. Gawd. You guys. Seriously. Oh. My. Gawd.

2008-02-28T15:16:00.004-05:00

I was reading My Other Blog (the happy hippie one with no sex) cheering myself up (with my own writing, geeezzzz) and came across this one I wrote about C. I can't believe I never came and shared it here - it's me being a jack-ass, that's my best material. You all know I'm missing my C. so I'm posting this (because I have nothing today and am a lazy bastard but still want to please you) for my man. (my man that doesn't know I write about him but whatever :P)

Sept. 7th '07

I'm thankful that C. takes my sometimes too honest (whoops! I should have lied!) foot in mouth conversations quite well. In stride I guess some say.

I.E. Yesterday we were talking about him making cookies at the bakery and he was showing me the callouses on his hands from kneading the dough. I guess making cookies is like for real hard work - who friggen knew??

Anyways I mentioned that his muscles must be getting bigger and I asked him to do his little trick where he can move his pecks with out uh. moving er, well ya know like in the 80's how all the muscle guys would make their pecks dance by themselves? Gahh I hope you get it.

He moved his little man pecks for me -I always ask him to do it because it kind of cracks me up, he gets to looking all concentrated and manly and it makes me laugh - PLUS it always ceases to amaze me that a guy with a good body would want to be with me and I'm proud of his little goofy peck dance. Ok whatever, so he did his thing and I noticed that they really HAD gotten bigger after weeks of manual cookie making. One more reason to love cookies.

The conversation ended up being something like this.

"Make your chi chi's move for your chaquita"

*moves chi chi's*

"Eeeeee!! They got bigger and they move more!!"

"Does daht make ju horny?" ( i think he was being serious?)

. . ."Nah. . . I just think it's cool."

Whoops?

Ah well he laughed at me and took it all in stride as usual - and after like 30 seconds I came around and thought "aww crap." and proceeded to say "Wait, I mean YEEEEESSS of COURRSSE so horny. Oh papi so sexy."

Of course I only made it to "horny" before I started busting up laughing. But oh well, I tried and he laughed.

I do the foot in mouth thing just about on the hour and I think he's come to the conclusion that I'm just an honest person. Thank goodness for an understanding (tolerant) man. :)

2008-02-27T12:26:00.003-05:00

You've got to be kidding me. I'm nerdier than SEVENTY percent of all the people who took this test?? What?? HONESTLY?? I'm a nerd-hor?? Well that's fucked up. (I stole this from EFFORT. Btw. Mr I'm only 25% nerd. Beotch.)

It's not my fault I know that Mn stands for Manganese, it's part of my job.

It's not my fault I own a telescope either! My Dad gave it to me to look at the moon and shit. Moon Shmoon, I use the bitch to spy on DYCK when he's whacking it to "Dirty Booty Porn 11." What? Like you wouldn't spy on people too?

My MOM gave me the microscope and you can't tell me that they're not fun. Don't even try. You know it's neato to look at your hair and shit under a scope.

I know what "C++" is because I like the Dell commercials (I have a secret crush on the cute guy - thank goodness they didn't ask me THAT) - I have to use a book like everyone else to use any programming language. Bitches.

And WHAT?? May I ask is wrong with taking notes in more than one color? I'm a COLORFUL PERSON! DIRTY BITCHES!

Why wouldn't I know my IP address? That one doesn't even make sense. Plus mine is easy so whatever.

AND DAMN IT the ONLY reason I've ever built a computer was because I was poor and lucky enough to be able to get different extra parts from a bunch of people. (I'm actually doing that again, anybody got a hard drive?? It's all I've got left to get!! (well ok and a monitor but I can SO get that at Goodwill.))

Seventy?? Come on, I'm so not that cool.

And Krissie? You HOR. That's all I'm saying, you beotch-in hor. O.M.G. :P

Left Behind - The Bar Version

2008-02-26T13:19:00.002-05:00

Okay! Weekend number TWO of going out with friends to "get my mind off of things." I didn't get groped this time, a nice change of pace, but I DID get left at the bar with no ride. At 2:30 in the morning. No car keys, no house key, no I.D. and no money. Let's get this story started -

I met my pal from work at the cool-kidz bar again and he was already there with a passel of his other gal-pals and some cousins. Nice enough people (to ME) but kind of that crazy-we-will-start-fights-crowd that I'm not really part of. OY.

When I first arrived - looking much more appropriately hoochie-dressed than my last time - I made Frankie (my pal from work) take my keys, money and I.D. My smokin no-pocket hor-jeans and shirt didn't have any place to put my shit, and Frankie's usually a good man-bitch. What I didn't realize was that Frankie and his crew had done some serious "pre-drinking" and were all pretty far gone by the time I got there.

SO! By the time I had finished 2 Long Islands (yummy!) and was dancing with a nice probation officer named Ralph, they were wasted. I headed off to the bathroom for a minute and I guess while I was gone one of Frankie's pals Ex's showed up with current baby mamma and some drunken nastiness ensued. Apparently the people I was with were "escorted" out. (oh. my. gawwdd how embarrassing would that be (if you weren't wasted?))

Long story short - They were wasted, they were fueled with drama, and Frankie forgot about me and the fact that he had EVERYTHING of mine in his pockets - and they left. I came out of the bathroom and tried to figure out where my peeps had gone and luckily after a while some nice guy told me that "those people you were with were escorted out." (omg embarrassing for ME now)

The bar was closing and they were trying to hustle people out so I told one of the security guys my situation. He pretty much ignored me, that sucked. After standing in the doorway like a freak for like 15 minutes some really nice girl came up and asked me if I needed to use a phone. I don't know who she was or how she knew but I'll lover her forever. Have I mentioned I live alone now? And that I moved to my job 35 minutes away from my parents? And an hour from my best friend? And it was 2:30 a.m.?? I called my boss. She and I are cool and if she had been awake she would have been happy to come and get me but alas she was asleep.

You guys I can't tell you how freaked out I was! All alone and with NOTHING. At one point I walked out into the freezing night, took my heels off (oh my GOD my feet hurt from those bitches!) and walked around the street bare-foot yelling for Frankie. At one point I thought about asking the police officer with a guy in a headlock on the ground for a ride home but I remembered I didn't have a house key.

The Ralph guy that I had been dancing with was keeping an eye on me in the bar and asked what had happened. I told him and he went on his way but then came back to keep an eye on me some more. I couldn't figure out if he was a crazy-dude or if he was really being nice (so I went with crazy-dude just in case.)

To my surprise one of Frankie's cousins showed up out of nowhere and I thought I was saved. Unfortunately she was drunk beyond what I know how to deal with and her HUSBAND had forgotten her as well. He thought she was with Frankie. Thank God she had a cell phone though and called her husband to come get her. She knew who I was previously in the evening but at this point she was reduced to telling her husband "Baby some white girl keeps talkin to me about Frank, she says Frank has her stuff." Eventually I talked her into calling Frankie and THANK GAWD they started heading back to get me.

Her husband called her back to tell us to meet him across the street and down a ways in another parking lot. Ralph ended up showing up there in his SUV and when I started talking to him telling him we had a ride coming, the drunk cousin announced that "I WANT IN THIS TRUCK! LET ME IN!" Ralph told her that she could get in the back and wait for our ride but she didn't feel like getting in the back. While I was trying to tell her that Ralph was a stranger and that you shouldn't get into vehicles with strangers, she was busy CLIMBING over his lap and steering wheel to get to the passenger seat. Oh. My. Gawd - again. I guess she forgot that SUV's have more than one door.

Ralph was really calm and we chatted for like 30 seconds until her husband showed up. I think it went something like "Oh my god, I don't really know her, she's so drunk, I'm so sorry, you're a very nice man." And repeat. When her husband showed up he had to get her out of Ralph-the-strangers vehicle and I told Ralph thanx again for watching out for me. He gave me his card - lol - I obviously won't be calling but it was nice. So THANX Ralph! Thanx for making sure nobody abducted me out in the cold with no shoes, and thanks for keeping your hands in very appropriate places when we danced - you're a cool dude.

The cousins husband took me to meet Frankie and I was at last re-united with my stuff and thus the inside of my car and on to my home.

Until all of the crappy stuff happened I really did have a nice time. I did my best I'm-terribly-white-and-uncoordinated dancing and had a good time feeling sexy in my hoe-jeans. One of the nice girls that I was out with tried to teach me this choreographed dance that all the cool kidz were doing but I have trouble telling my left from my right when I'm NOT drunk, so that was kind of a bust, but a fun bust. I've had "Apple Bottom Jeans" stuck in my head for 3 days and I quite enjoy dancing to it. (steal it for me Krissie????:):)

So yeah, all's well that ends well (ends well eventually :P ) I guess.

C's story and Clum I Am

2008-02-22T13:12:00.009-05:00

C. is being held in a holding facility (immigration jail) waiting to see a judge. His Dad brought him to this country when he was a little boy, he didn't make the decision to come. He was put in school here and went on to graduate High School. He grew up like any other American (transplant) kid - and moving back to a country that he barely remembers, has no history in, job, home or even much knowledge of - never seemed like a real option to him. Hate him if you want, I don't care, he is my heart and my life. But before you hate or judge, humor me and imagine YOU reaching to the age of 18, graduating high-school and coming to the realization that you don't really belong to any country. Imagine having people telling you to "go back where you came from," even though you don't know where that place was.

I'm not writing this nearly as eloquently as I imagined or making my point the way I wanted. I'm a tad biased and involved if you can imagine.

Through circumstances that I can't go into he's been brought to the attention of the INS. I was planning to petition for his citizenship but shit happens/happened and we didn't get a chance.

No, us being married doesn't help in any way, new laws, a new time.
No, there is no naturalization or immunity because he's been here so long, or because he was so small when he came.
Yes, I've spoke to several lawyers now and there is no chance WHAT SO EVER of him staying here.
He's going to be sent "back." (1800 miles away!)
It'll be most likely 2 months of him being "held" before they get around to doing it.
That's it. End of story.

We've got a plan (ok and 2 back-ups) for what we'll be doing to get him back (legally thank you) or at least us living in the same country (again, legally). SOME country.
I want to be able to share what's going on so I'm just plain coming clean with yall. That and I can't keep my mouth shut.

I've been visiting him in the jail - OMG JAIL!! But thankfully for people in his situation they DO have completely separate holding areas, my sweet baby isn't roomed up with bubba that's killed 10 people, and for that I am terribly thankful.

ALRIGHT!! Ready to lighten up? I sure am. WHEW.

Okay, so yesterday when I drove to visit him (only an hour away, thank goodness.) We had our once weekly 40 minute visit where we sit on stools and talk by phone through 2 inch glass. (not really complaining btw, I'm just so happy to see him) The stools are really low to the ground and to see him well I was sitting on one of my legs to prop me up higher.

When our time was up and I got up to go, I so SO did not realize that my leg had fallen asleep. For real you guys I never even felt the pins and needles! Aww man so when I stood up to walk I had no feeling in that leg and a tumbling down I went. BIG TIME.

I heard popping and snapping and all sorts of things in my ankle and because it was numb had no idea of what I had truly done to it. I had to sit there and wait for the feeling to come back to access you know?

Oh my gawwwdd but MEANTIME as I was sitting on the ground holding my ankle poor POOR baby C was behind the glass staring in horror at his lovely chiquita all mangled on the floor like an idiot. He saw me go down but he couldn't HEAR me tell him that I was fine. I kept waving him to go on and kept trying to tell him that "ha ha, silly me, I'm fine" because I didn't want him to get in TROUBLE because he wasn't getting his ass moving!

A nice wave of nausea swiped over me and I felt the blood draining from my face and it was all I could do to keep smiling at him and waving him AWAY so he wouldn't get tazered or something - all the while trying really really hard not to puke down the front of myself.

And THEN my head started to buzz and I got that feeling you get when you're going to pass out and my vision started to go but C. was still standing there and I swear to heaven I willed the faint away and kept on smiling and waving him away.

When I first fell the other visitors in there were really kind and seemed genuinely worried about me. I got offers of help from a Russian family, a Chinese man and a brown guy that looked like he might own a 7-11. They kept offering to help me up and stuff but I kept telling them that "No, no I'm fine, I just need a minute" - because I didn't want to take even one minute away from their visiting time ya know?

C. FINALLY went on his way with a worried look and I was so damn thankful. I put my head down to the floor and tried to get some blood back into my brain. You guys I SO had to go to the bathroom and I was afraid that if I passed out I'd lose control of my bowels like a dead person. Yes, that was my main concern, screw a possible broken ankle, I am NOT crapping my pants!!

Everyone went back to what they were doing and I laid there like a fleece-covered scarf be-decked beached whale for a tad, until I got up enough nerve to try and stand. I managed to get up and decided that I didn't break anything and tried to walk. HA-HA-HA, ok so there was no walking to be had but I'm a good Hopper. I think my ghetto portioned ass gives me a low center of gravity and gives me good balance.

Turns out I'm not broken just nicely sprained and black and blue and a bit gimpy but all is well. I didn't faint and shit my pants or piss all over so I'm calling it a good day. DO people loose control of their bowls when they pass out? I've fainted a few times but never when I had to "go."

C. and I are going to be fine, we'll be seperated for most likely at least a year but I will try and save and fly to see him at least a couple of times. I'll have my passport in about 3 weeks and I'll be all set for when he get's sent "back."

In the meantime I figure I should brush up a bit more on my Spanish and figure out how to say things like "Oh, I'm ok, just give me a minute." "Ooops, sorry" "No, I don't think it's broke." "Where is the hospital" (donde un hospital?) Hey! I think I've got one, that's cool. I'm on my way.

I got a new BOOK!

2008-02-20T13:20:00.002-05:00

And I can't get many people to play with me and I totally love this damn book so GUESS WHO get's to play with me??? :) : ) :)

It's a book called "What Would You Rather" and I totally love it.

K, here we go -

1. Would you rather - A. Have a horizontal butt crack -OR- B. Verticaly aligned breasts?

2. Would you rather - A. watch a porn with your parents - OR - B. Watch a porn OF your parents?

4. Would you rather cum - A. Guacamole -OR- B. Hot Sauce?

3. Would you rather - A. Throw 200 live turtles off a 20 story building -OR- B. Burn down an orphanage?

OKAY!! Play with me you's guys and I'll list my answers later in the comments. Okay so the last one isn't sexual but I found I really had to think about it. (sorry kids)

You Do The Blow?

2008-02-19T15:07:00.004-05:00

Sunday morning after my fun filled night of dancing and surprise gropings I met up with my pals for some much needed food and copious amounts of diet coke. On the way there I stopped of at a gas station to put gas in my car before it ran out of fumes. Sorry car, I know you always get stuck with the dregs at the bottom of the tank but you're an asshole to me so deal, bitch. (And thanx for not shitting out on me lately *KISSES!*)

I was standing out in the blowing negative degree bastard wind willing the damn pump to give me some gas and stop ASKING ME QUESTIONS. SHIITT it's 20 below - NO I don't want a car wash - NO I don't have a points card - YES it's debit - FINE HERE IS MY DEBIT NUMBER - NO FOR SHITS SAKE I DON'T WANT A FUCKING RECIEPT!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

At that point I was ready to get back into my car to unthaw for a minute before pumping the fuel I'd almost frozen to death to win - but no. The guy at the pump across me decided it was a lovely time to start up a conversation.

The first time he spoke to me I didn't understand what he was saying (severe ghetto accent) The second and THIRD times he asked me the same question I still did not understand him. I felt like a jerk at this point but damn, it seems like he would have given up after my third "WHAT??" But no. Finally I understood:

"Where you be from?"

- I told him the city and he asked me if I was from the city I TOLD him or the one next to it. Jesus dude. I told him again. Next question -

"What's yo name?"

-Said my first name, politely asked for his. (forgive me but I'm a sucker for politeness even when I KNOW BETTER) Next question -

"So wha whad-up? You got a man?"

-My we don't mince words do we? I flashed him my ring and told him I'm married, short and sweet. I figured he'd go away at this point but no, oh my no. His next question I was once again not able to figure out and had to ask him twice. Finally he got out -

"You do the blow?"

HA! Well I finally forgot I was cold. Honestly the first thoughts in my head were "OH my gawd, does he think I'm a prostitute? Oh. my. gawd. and I thought I was dressed NICE today! God does my face look that fucked up? Do I LOOK like a prostitute?" I said the only thing that my brain could manage -

"WHAT??"

I'm really good under pressure. He tried to clarify for me -

"Do you smoke the blow?"

I thought he meant like do you "smoke the pole" and "blow" was just another word for "pole" that my terribly street savvy self was not aware of. Since my brain had a moment to catch up I came up with a more witty response -

"WHAT???"

Notice the third question mark, that would be my exasperation. Like I said, I'm good under pressure. He wasn't giving up on me though, really persevering here -

"Do you smoke the marijuana?"

OHHHHHhhhhhhhhh Ooookaayyyyy I got it then. The thoughts in my head THEN - "Oh well that's great I don't look like a prostitute but I DO look like a pot-head. Damn it I knew this sheep-skin hippie jacket was a stoopid choice." "But I have a very conservative scarf" "My shoes are sketchers, to pot-heads wear sketchers?" "Oh, oh shit he wants an answer." -

"No."

YAY! Look at that, I managed to really use my wit and verbal skillzz. That's me, super-duper- street savvy smart ass, oh yeah, I'm bad.

Ah well it worked out for the best, as soon as I said "No" he jumped his pajama'd ass in his car and was gone in a flash. Maybe I should start with that response the next time a stranger speaks to me. Maybe here in the ghetto I should get back to the basics of kindergarten and "Don't talk to strangers."

I kind of hate that though. I was just trying to be polite and give this man the benefit of the doubt. I've HAD polite conversations at the gas pump before - ok always with weird people or old people talking about the weather - but it's happened.

My lessons from this weekend? 1. Don't trust a fruity man to be gay 2. Don't trust nice old men, and 3. Don't have gas station conversations unless the temperature is above freezing. There is no good reason to start up a conversation when if you breathe in really hard your nostrils freeze to the inside of your nose. *Noted*

Dancing With The Gays

2008-02-18T08:29:00.008-05:00

I was groped by a few strangers this weekend. Got your attention?

I didn't WANT to be groped thank you but I was RAILROADED by a guy I thought was just being nice and THEN by a fake gay man.

Let me explian. A friend of mine from work and his pal offered to take me out this weekend so's I could let my hair down and you know, like get my mind off of the shit going on. I.E. - Get drunk. Good friends yes? Actually yeah :)

My pal from work and my NEW pal are a tad older than me and the first place we ended up in was a karaoke bar for old folks. There was much Merle haggard and 70's pop going on but never having witnessed Karaoke before I was at least amused. Thankfully though the place was dead and my pals decided to go to another bar and meet up with another geriatric pal of theirs.

New Bar was just as dead but my new gal-pals friend was really nice. We were hanging out and having a nice time singing along to some chicks singing a Queen song and you know, doing the I'm-at-a-bar-thing. Things were great until the new guy (18 yrs older than me btw) decided that out of the FREAKING blue he would reach under the table and totally grope my leg. I'm for real you guys, I was SO not flirting with old guy - in fact I didn't even really talk to him other than to say "nice job" on his singing and ask a few ditsy questions about the intricacies of Karaoke. For god's sake we didn't even really do SMALL TALK and he was feeling me up! In plain view of the rocks I've got on my left hand by the damn way.

I asked him what the hell he was doing and he said he was "feeling brave tonight." I told the SOB that I'm not into that. My pal from work saw what went down and thankfully saved me. He suggested we pack up and get out of lame-O-ville and go to a REAL club. He knew that old-nasty-bastard wouldn't go for that type of scene and he was right. So on to the 3rd place of the night.

Oh holy damn was I underdressed! FUCK this place is one of those "cool" bars where the young people go to get blasted and bump and grind and grind and grind and maybe even grind on the stripper pole. (omg I so wanted to be up on that pole you guys, I've ALWAYS wanted to have a go on a stripper pole! Fortunately I wasn't that drunk tho) My new gal-pal was dressed for the geriatric Karaoke bar and looked like a right full-on-bull dyke compared to the people in the "cool" bar. Soooo at least I felt a little better not being the WORST dressed. Shallow much? Well yeah but I wasn't the worst dressed so FINE.

The music was great, very up to date dance club music and I was totally feeling it you know? Actually I was standing against a wall trying to pretend that I didn't just fall off the potato wagon on a trip through New York by way of Mayberry. I sort of missed out on the whole cool bar-clubbing-scene when I was younger and I'm just not used to what goes on in these types of clubs. I was trying SO hard not to stare but damn, just DAMN!

A girl walked in wearing a shirt/skirt THING that was painted on and honest to god didn't even cover her ass cheeks. AND she was wearing a THONG! OMG!! All I could do was STARE at her ass cheeks and will her dress to grow another 3 inches all the while thinking "Oh my dear god her ASS CHEEKS are RIGHT THERE! Oh my gosh I can see her REAL ass! That is a womans ASS, RIGHT there! Jesus does she know? Oh, yep she knows, she just tried to pull her "dress" down a tad." "It didn't really work." "OH MY GAWD I can SEE her ASS!!"

Holy Crap it was crazy enough when she was just standing there but when she got out on the dance floor and started doing her thing - I was a goner. She was the DIRTIEST of dirty club dancers, holy shit. At one point she grabbed the stripper pole for support, her dress rode half way up her cheeks and she was HUMPING the floor! Holy shit there was a crowd of about 15 guys and one little white girl (me) standing in awe and watching the show. I had officially fallen off the potato wagon. Hard.

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Okay, okay, moving on. I had a few drinks and was standing up at the bar waiting for another when a new song came on and this tall, skinny, terribly well groomed and dressed and I'm sorry but FRUITY man came up and started dancing on me. He looked and danced SO SOOOO gay you guys. All I could do was laugh and let him do his little dance. Basically he was the woman and I think he was wanting me to be the man. I hadn't had enough to drink yet to participate in his charade but I laughed, smiled and went off along my way.

When C. and I have gone out before, and when I've gone out alone it is usually my RULE that I only dance with gay guys. Gay guys are my "safe ground" I guess you could say. We can do all the dirty club dancing like everyone else and have fun, but nobody gets the wrong idea you know? I'm not that great that I can turn a gay man strait - C. knows it - and hence doesn’t mind me dancing with them.

So later on after a few beers when the "Gay" guy decided to do the fishing-reel-you-in goof ass move to me from the dance floor I couldn't resist. I FELT like dancing and having some fun after the last two weeks of hell you know? So there we were, him doing the gayest of gay dancing routines all up and around me and I was having a good time just watching him and doing my own little white-girl-can't-dance-to-save-her-life dance. AND THEN. And then all of a sudden Mr. Super Gay reached out from out of nowhere and not even working up to it FULLY encased my left breast in his right hand. And SQUEEZED!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!

OH MY FUCKING SHIT!!!

I threw his hand off of me in disgust and all I could manage to get out of my shocked, so very shocked mouth and brain was "Ahhh, NO!" His response?

"I'll bet you didn't know I could do that.

"Huh?? What the ever living FUCK is that supposed to mean? Shit fire and save the matches - I STILL don't know what he meant! Did he assume that I didn't realize he HAD a fully functioning right hand? Was he taunting me with his fake gay-ness? WAS he gay and trying on some Not-Gay training wheels? I have no fucking idea other than the FACT that my little gay-safe dancing world came CRASHING down right around me. Ah yes, and the idea that he was fucking batty as the mad hatter came to mind as well.

So, I ran away. Back to the safety of my wall next to the ass cheek hoochie where I could at least entertain myself with her mere presence. At this point she was sitting on a stool in her shirt/skirt thing - with her legs wide open. You know for some reason I'm thinking that having a pelvic exam would be like going to the grocery store for this girl. Ever the polite-hick that I am, at one point I actually told her that I thought her dress was SO-cool and that I wish I had enough guts and was cool enough to wear something like that. What? I was standing next to her for like an hour and had been watching her ALL night, I had to make SOME sort of small talk. It just wouldn't be polite not to.

I wonder if she thought I was gay? Ah well at least I didn't grope her - groping is NOT polite.